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inky-duchess · 4 years

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21 History Ancedotes for my 21st Birthday

So today I celebrate my 21st birthday and I have decided to gift you all with 21 of my favourite historical Ancedotes. Some are funny, some are sad and some are plain bizarre but I hope the make your day 💜

Mary Maloney, an Irish-born suffragette in England followed Winston Churchill around while he was campaigning for a seat in Parliament, drowning out everything he said with a very large bell and calls for him to apologise for his comments on women's rights and suffrage movements.

Clodius Pulcher was a well born Roman noble during the last day's of the Republic. He gave up his Patrician status to become Tribune of the Plebs (an office in which one had to be a Pleb) by being adopted by a much younger Plebian man who became his "father". Clodius was a bit of a riot, sneaking into religious festivals dressed like a woman to sleep with Caesar's wife, building a shrine to Liberty in the ruins of the Conservative Cicero, vetoed the last speech of one of the Consuls (who basically did nothing all year and was apparently going to roast Caesar) and burned down the Senate House with his funeral pyre (the Plebs who loved him literally tearing up the furniture to build his pyre). He was honestly the best fun.

When laying on her deathbed, Queen Caroline of Ansbach turned to her husband George II of England and told him he should marry again. George refused to ever wed again... But added he would have mistresses. Caroline said , likely with a roll of her eyes, "oh my god that doesn't matter."

Florence was a pretty cool city in the Renaissance until Savanorola came to town. He disliked the loose living artists that crowded the city, with their naked pagan gods and rampant homosexuality. He expelled them all with help of the French hoping to make Florence Holy Again. When the Borgia Pope excommunicated him and sentenced him to death, one man in the crowd was reported to have said. "thank God, niw we can return to sodomy." One Floretine man in the 1490s said Gay Rights.

So this list couldn't be complete without an entry of the only American politician I love, Alexander Hamilton who was just a walking entity of sass. I could go on about his sharp sarcasm or his disaster bi vibes with John Lauren's but my all time favourite Alexander Hamilton ancedote has to be this exchange with Thomas Jefferson "There are approximately 1010300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly explain how much I want to hit you with a chair."

Caterina Sforza was an Italian noble woman during the Renaissance. She was apart of the powerful Sforza family, which drew many enemies to her. One fateful day at Forli, Caterina's children were snatched as hostages. The besiegers threatened to kill her children if she did not cede the castle. Caterina refused, lifting her skirts and shouted to the besiegers that she had the means to make more children.

Hannibal Lecter's creator Thomas Harris was happy to end his great character's story with the original trilogy. However his publishers forced him to write an unneeded prequel explaining why Hannibal became Hannibal. Thomas Harris agreed lest he lose the rights to his character so he wrote Hannibal Rising, where Hannibal as a young man hunts down the Nazis who ate his sister with a katana.

Nell Gwyn is my favourite mistress of Charles II, mainly because of her sass. Once while trapped in the middle of a riot where Londoners swamped her carriage thinking she was Charles's Catholic mistress. She popped her head out the carriage and told the people "Pray good people be civil. I am the Protestant whore." She also dosed her rival Moll Davis with laxatives in order to free up some of Charles's time and she once flashed her underwear at the French ambassador after asking him why the Franch King did not pay her to spy on Charles because she was with him every night. A true Queen.

Emperor Ai of the Han Dynasty of China once rose from his bed to go do some ruling when he realised his lover, Dong Xian was sleeping on his sleeve. Rather than disturb his lover, the Emperor cut his sleeve off at the wrist to leave Dong Xian nap. Nothing has ever been more romantic than that. Y'all could never.

Princess Margaret the sister of current Queen Elizabeth II was a socialable Princess and often tasked to visit the up and coming music stars of the day on behalf of the Crown. When meeting the Beatles one evening, she noticed George Harrison was acting a little odd. When she asked what was the matter, he replied "We arent allowed eat until you go." Princess Margaret laughed and promptly left so the Beatles could get some dinner.

During the Siege of Jadotsville, Irish soldiers under the flag of the UN were attacked and besieged by local insurgents allied with the Katanga Regime. The insurgents numbered thousands while the Irish only had 158 soldiers, all who were lightly armed. They radioed to their allies assuring them that "we will hold out until our last bullet is spent. Could use some whiskey though".

Napoleon was famous for writing raunchy letters to his wife, the Empress Josephine while he was away. She used to reply with really mundane letters or not at all. She really just could not be bothered with him.

Josip Broz Tito was so fed up with Joseph Stalin sending assassins to kill him, he wrote to Stalin personally to say "If you don't stop sending assassins to kill me. I will send one to Moscow and I won't have to send another." It didn't work but Big Dick Energy.

Successful Roman soldiers returning from war often got to march along in parades known as Triumphs. During this, it was customary for them to sing bawdy songs about their commander. One surviving one about Caesar goes like this "Romans, lock up your wives. Here comes the bald adulterous whore. We pissed away your gold in Gaul and come to borrow more."

Matilda, Lady of the English was a woman so badass that history cannot handle her. She was the daughter of Henry I who left his throne to her after the death of her brother. She was away in France when her father died and her throne was snatched by her cousin Stephen. They battled back and forth for years with neither side ceding any ground. Matilda was once besieged in a castle during a snow storm, with Stephen's men all around her. Instead of fighting her way out. She simply donned a white cloak and walked out of the castle. Just walked out without any of Stephen's men seeing her.

Pedro of Portugal once fell in love with a beautiful lady in waiting called Inez de Castro. For years, they lived as man and mistress, popping out a few kinds. Pedro's dad really did not like Inez and wanted Pedro to find a legitimate wife so he had her killed. Pedro returned home to find the mother of his children dead. Pedro went a little crazy. He had all his father's assassins killed, ripping out their hearts as they had done to him. When Pedro ascended the throne, he demanded the Pope legitimize his children by Inez. The Pope not wanting to upset the King, said he couldn't because Inez was never crowned Queen. Pedro dug Inez up and crowned her as Queen, having all the nobility swear loyalty to her corpse. The Pope had no choice but to agree to his request.

A famously clever general once saved an entire city with an ingenious stragety to sit outside the city waiting for the attacking army to come. The attack had come to fast for the city to ready themselves for a Siege so, the general had to move quickly. He evacuated the city and took his place waiting for the army to come. The enemy forces stopped and took one look at him and bolted, thinking he meant to lure them in one of his famous traps.

Michaelangelo was really badly treated by the Vatican when he was painting the Sistine Chapel. He constantly fought with the Popes over the design and his work, which he was paid peanuts for. Michaelangelo got his revenge in his work, painting the gates of Hell behind the Papal Throne and an angel flipping the ol' fig (the Renaissance version of the bird) toward the Pope's chair.

Peter the Great was not a perfect guy. He kept serfdom as a practise in his kingdom, he had his son tortured to death and he could be an unpleasant guy. But Peter was a dreamer. He wanted nothing more to build a fleet for Russia and bring Russia beyond its borders. Peter took a gap year from ruling Russia to wander around Europe. When he stopped in England, he was granted Leicester House to chill in while he did his shipwright studies. It was here that Peter found a new passion. The wheelbarrow. Cue Peter and his new found English buddies drinking in Leicester House, punching the artwork and rolling each other around in barrels across the house's Great gardens.

Diogenes is hands down a walking shit post. He was a great thinker in Greece during the reign of Alexander but a rather dry, sarcastic wit. He lived in a pithos/a jar because he shunned all vanities and values of society. He trolled other philosophers, attending their debates to heckle them and eat loud foods through them. When Alexander the Great came to fan boy over him, saying that if he were not Alexander he would like to be Diogenes to which Diogenes just said "yeah me too, now get out of my sunlight."

Cosimo de Medici was the son of a Floretine banker with a great knowledge and love of art. Cosimo wished for Florence to release its potentially and join the Renaissance. He hired Filippo Brunelleschi to finsh the Great Dome of Santa Maria del Fiore which had láin unfinished for over a century, a symbol of a failure of ambition. The builders had lost the knowledge of creating a dome so large so it remained unfinished. Despite much opposition from the other nobility and denouncers of the Renaissance, Cosimo's dream of the completion of the dome was completed, making it the largest brick dome in creation at that time. There is nothing like achieving your dreams and certainly nothing like leaving a lasting reminder that screams 'I was right and you were wrong' to stand for centuries.

#Instead of doing shots I decided to give you all a gift #History is our greatest gift #And it's filled with dick jokes and idiots #Anyway happy birthday to me #Go forth and enjoy this great gift #history dump #History Ancedotes #History bites: kinda?

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blackmissfrizzle · 4 years

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Once Upon A Time

Summary: The reader has a cleaning tradition that she’s embarrassed for the boys to find out about.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x black!reader

Warnings: Violence and mention of smut

A/N: 2 Dean fics in one week? Who do I think I am???

Ever since you were a child obsessed with fairy tales. Not the Grimm brother versions, but Disney’s family-friendly versions. You had your mother to thank for that. She painted her love story with your father as her own fairy tale.

Your mom came from a family of evil witches, but she didn’t share the same values and wanted to help people instead of harm them. As she told it, she didn’t see a way out until she met her own knight in shining armor, your father. He was a hunter and fell in love with your mom while he hunted her family. She helped him defeat them and they ran off to live their own version of happily ever after.

They both hunted until your mom became pregnant with you, their little princess. Even though, they retired from the hunter lifestyle they taught you all about hunting; they always knew there was a possibility for their past to haunt them. While your dad stuck to teaching you about hunting in particular, your mother taught you the art of witchcraft. “There’s a beauty in magic.” She always said.

Unfortunately, your parents happily ever after didn’t last forever. They were right to worry about their past coming back to haunt them. You came back from a sleepover excited to dress up in your princess ‘rags’, sing Disney songs, and clean up the house with your mom. Instead you found their mauled bodies. The remaining werewolves from a pack they killed came back with a revenge. They even tried to kill you when you discovered the bodies, but due to your extensive training you killed them before they got the chance.

Years later you found yourself and your familiar, Aladdin, hunting and living with the Winchesters. To keep the memory alive of your parents, you kept up your mom’s cleaning tradition. Only thing was you always waited for Sam and Dean to go hunting on their own. You may be a little extra with this tradition, so extra Aladdin refused to participate. Sometimes you’ll cast a spell on some birds and sing with them as if you were Cinderella or Snow White. So, if the boys ever caught you, you would never hear the end of it and be deeply embarrassed.

Currently, you were singing your heart out to Part of Your World and washing the dishes when you heard the clearing of someone’s throat. Turning around you saw a set of hazel and emerald eyes filled with mirth and a pair of poorly hidden smirks. “I thought you two wouldn’t be back til tomorrow?” You asked, fidgeting with the hem of your dress and then remembering the bandana a la Cinderella you had on and quickly removing it.

Barely containing his laughter Sam answered you. “You know Dean. Speed limit laws don’t apply to him.” Just as Dean was about to say something, his eyes went wide and zoomed on your shoulder. Raising a hand, he pointed in your direction, “Is that a crab on your shoulder?”

Looking down in fact you saw an annoyed crab glaring at you. In the midst of getting caught, you forgot you turned a reluctant Aladdin into a crab for your Little Mermaid set. “Oops, I’m sorry, Al.” With a wave of your hand you returned your familiar back into his canine form. “Looks like the mutt wasn’t happy being turned into seafood,” Dean muttered as Aladdin stalked off. Your familiar had excellent hearing and growled at the eldest Winchester before returning back to your room.

“Your highness,” Dean bowed before you. Snatching the towel from the sink you balled it up and threw it at Dean’s head.

He caught it instead of letting it hit his face. “Hey, that’s not princess-like,” he reprimanded you. Just to tease him some more you gave Dean the middle finger and he clutched his imaginary pearls.

“What’s up with the Disney routine anyway?” Sam asked, trying to stop you two before y’all got too childish. While you explained the backstory of your cleaning tradition, Sam stood back and mentally shook his head at Dean, who looked at you like a doofus. Sam tried multiple times to get his big brother to admit his feelings for you, but he refused.

Done with your story, you noticed Dean looking at you with that funny face you sometimes catch him with when he thinks you’re not paying attention. “What’s with that stupid look,” you asked him.

Caught off guard, Dean had to quickly come up with an excuse. “Um, I’m just confused about how someone so badass is still obsessed with princesses who always need saving.”

“First of all, me being a badass and loving princesses are not mutually exclusive. Second of all, you must be talking about them older white princesses, because my girls with color didn’t come to play. Tiana, a true boss bitch, Mulan saved a whole country, Pocahontas looked out for her people, and Moana got a whole god together. And third of all, I don’t know why you’re trashing them when you have so much in common with them.”

Dean crossed his arms in disbelief. “Please explain to me how me and a Disney princess are alike.” Chuckling to yourself, you proceeded to explain to Dean. “On the somber note, you have the requirement of at least one dead parent growing up. Sam’s your sidekick, Castiel’s your fairy godmother, Rowena is sorta the wicked witch, just depending on the day, and I’m your knight in shining armor.” Dean couldn’t believe his ears and was about to counter your claim when you interrupted him. “Oh, and you have Rapunzel’s eyes.”

Pointing between him and Sam, Dean responded. “Listen, we don’t need saving that often.” Without saying a word, you cocked and eyebrow and a hip, silently challenging Dean’s claim.

“Ok, you win. I’m a stupid princess, but I’m gonna be Snow White!”

Looking to Sam he had his bitch face while you were confused. He must’ve known why he choose Snow White. You looked to him to ask why and he mouthed ‘You wouldn’t want to know.’ Going against his advisement, you asked Dean why he choose her.

“Because the version I watched, the wicked stepmother was wicked.” His smile suggested it wasn’t the G-rated version you’ve seen before.

With a sway of your hips you walked up to Dean and stared up at him devilishly. “Well, you gotta show me that version. I need to spice up my porn playlist.” Instantly, Dean’s face turned red and Sam off to the side muttered, “You two are perfect for each other.”

You walked off to your room, beginning to sing Kiss the Girl, while leaving the boys in the kitchen dumbfounded. Halfway to your room, you remembered your surprise for Dean. Sticking your head in the kitchen doorway, “Oh, there’s pecan, sweet potato, and apple pie in the oven.” Both boys stared at each other and ran to the oven to get to the treat. Even Sam couldn’t resist your baking.

Back in your room, you found Aladdin in his human form laying in your bed and watching tv. He rolled his eyes as he listened to you sing another Disney song. It wasn’t your voice that he was annoyed by, because you had the voice of an angel, but it was who the song was directed to. Al didn’t understand your attraction to Dean, but he supported you, nonetheless.

“Jordan text you. She needs help with a coven of witches in New Orleans. And she said leave the Winchesters at home if you come,” Al informed you in the middle of your song.

“That would’ve been nice to know earlier. Why didn’t you come get me?”

“I was giving you some time with your precious Winchester.”

Deciding not to address that statement you asked Aladdin if he wanted to go with. “Nope. I got a crazy ass ex down there and I’m having a Smart Guy marathon.”

“Hey! You were supposed to wait for me.” You pouted.

“That was before you turned me into a crustacean.” Knowing that it was fair, you told him bye and went on to tell the boys you were leaving.

“You sure you don’t want us to come?” Sam asked clearly concerned. They didn’t know your friend and were overprotective of you hunting without them. Standing on your toes, you gave each boy a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be fine boys, promise.”

Just as you opened your car door, Dean tugged on your wrist. “Be safe and call us if anything’s fishy.”

Snatching your hand back, you laughed at your friend. “Ok, mom.” Crowding your space, Dean looked at you hungrily. “I preferred to be called daddy.” Cheeks heating up quickly, you turned around and rushed into your car, waving bye to the boys while you heard Dean’s deep chuckle as you drove away.

It was setup. Jordan wasn’t just your friend, but your cousin from your mom’s side of your family. The little traitor knew who you were when you ran into her in Atlanta when you were working a job. She continued to earn your trust until she could find the right moment to kidnap you.

Turns out your mom and dad didn’t get rid of the whole family and your grandma somehow survived. The old woman had been plotting against you, since Jordan told her of your existence.

Struggling against the cuffs, you were looking for an escape. “Its useless, my dear. Those cuffs are spelled to imprison supernatural beings.”

Great, the one time being a witch was a bad thing. “Well, can you just kill me now?”

Your grandma turned away from the potion she was concocting and caressed your face. Her amber eyes that reminded you of your mother’s softened. “Don’t be silly, girl. You’re family, even if that didn’t mean anything to your momma. Our coven is growing weak, but you’re the strongest witch ever in our bloodline. With you joining us and the Book of the Damned we’ll return to our former glory.”

All this trouble for that damn book. Even though it saved Dean, that book has been causing so much trouble ever since it came into you and the boys’ possession. “So, this is why you want me. For the Book of the Damned. Well, newsflash no matter what you do to me the boys won’t give it up.”

Stepping away from her potion once more, she knelt down in front of you. “It’s a shame, really. All your power gone to waste. When Jordan informed me of your existence, I thought I would just kill you, but then you got involved with those Winchesters and we were still too weak to deal with them and you. But then I heard Rowena took you under her wing and I felt hope again. I thought Rowena would surely teach you the dark arts, but once again I was wrong. Those damn Winchesters sure do know how to suck out all the fun.”

“If you know I’m so good, then it’s a waste to try to get me to join the coven.” Levitating the mortar, she used to make the potion, your grandma had it in her hands. “Chile, I know I can’t make you do things on your own free will. That’s why I got this little potion for my spell. It’ll make you more malleable to my will. Now open up, girl.”

Refusing to be anyone’s puppet you shut your mouth close. Your grandma was frustrated with your antics and didn’t have any time to play with you. The cuffs dampened your own magic, which allowed your grandma to use hers and get your mouth open. The vile taste of the potion slithered its way down your throat and you knew when you woke up you would be a different person. Hopefully, Sam and Dean would be able to fix you.

Once you returned to the bunker, the boys instantly knew something was off about despite you saying nothing went wrong with the hunt. “Man, something’s up with Y/N.” Dean whispered to Sam while you were in the library.

“I know. Something had to have gone with that hunt.” Their whispers died down when they heard you walking towards them.

Holding the Book of the Damned, you made a beeline to the stairs, but Sam stopped you. “Y/N/N, what are you doing with the Book of the Damned?”

Annoyed but also prepared for this moment you threw the boys against the wall. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

With a flick of your wrist the door opened up, letting in your grandma and Jordan.

“What a cute little place! We’ll have to set up base here, Y/N. That’s after we kill the Winchesters of course,” your grandmother informed you while inspecting the bunker.

“Yes, grandmother. Would you like me to dispose of them now?”

The elder Winchester scrunched up his face in anger. “Grandma??? Y/N/N this isn’t you. Break out of it!” He pleaded with you, but his words had no effect on you.

“You evil bitch! What did you do to Y/N?” Dean asked your grandma.

She stood in front of Dean and traced a finger across his face. “Hmmm, I can see why my granddaughter is in love with you. Such masculine features, so handsome that you’re almost pretty. And the passion that radiates off of you, hmph, you must be an excellent lover.”

Dean turned his head away to escape her touch. “Get your filthy hands off my brother! And what did you do to our friend,” Sam reminded her of the more pressing issue.

“Oh, I just made her more pliable to my will. The girl is headstrong like her mother. Too bad I didn’t discover the potion I used on Y/N when I had those wolves kill her mother.” Your grandmother revealed which stirred a little something in you, but you must complete the mission for her. “Y/N, be a dear and kill these oafs. We have important work to do,” she ordered you.

Imagining liquefying their insides, the hunters started to cough up their blood, but as you saw them struggling you started to feel bad. Something didn’t feel right, but you had to press on.

“Y/N, you’re in there I know it. I know you heard her. That wicked bitch killed your parents! Come out and fight, damn it!” Dean was screaming at you, it seemed that the emotional torture was more painful than the physical torture you were dishing out.

Seeing that Dean wasn’t getting through to you, Sam joined in at trying to break through to you. With each passing second, they were chipping away through your grandmother’s defenses. It worked well enough for your hold to weaken and the boys fell to the ground. The boys easily incapacitated Jordan, leaving your grandma with no backup.

“Y/N, what are you doing? Kill them!” Your grandmother ordered, terrified of what a free Sam and Dean Winchester could do.

You paid her no mind and pinned her to a wall instead. Dean approached you carefully, as if you were a scared animal backed into a corner. “Sweetheart, I know you’re in there.”

Your eyes darted between your grandmother and the Winchester. You didn’t know who to believe with both of them talking to you simultaneously.

Sensing he was losing you, Dean got desperate. “God, I hope this works,” you heard him murmured before he grabbed your face and mashed his lips to yours. At first, your lips you were stiff, resistant to the kiss, but soon it started feeling right, like home, like your lips and his were meant for each other. Your hands snaked up to the back of his head and you pulled Dean closer.

The screaming of your grandma alerted you and made you and Dean break the kiss. Caressing your face, Dean whispered against your lips, “You back?” He asked, his hopeful searching yours.

“Yeah,” you whispered back blinking through tears.

“I should’ve known. You’re weak, just like your mother!” Your grandma somehow pulled herself halfway off the wall, but you pushed her back.

Taking out your gun from the back of your jeans, you pointed it at an unconscious Jordan and shot it right in the center of her forehead, feeling no emotions for so-called friend.

Next, your sights turned onto your grandma. “What?! You can’t grant me the decency of killing me like a witch? You’re gonna kill me like some filthy hunter?” She screamed with her grey locs falling in her face, spit foaming at the mouth, truly looking like a wild woman.

Raising your gun, you only said a few words to her before granting her the same death as your cousin. “Its more than you granted my parents.”

For awhile you stood above your dead grandmother’s body, grieving the life you could’ve have. Standing there reflecting on her need for power it finally hit you, she was the cause of your parents’ deaths. The emotions overtook you and you cried until Dean carried you away and let him fall asleep in his arms.

Waking up hours later you found Dean gone, but the smell of his famous burgers told you exactly where he was. Making your way to the kitchen, you were granted to the scene of Dean cooking, singing along to an old rock song, swinging his hips.

“Wow, you’ve been holding out on me. Who knew you had such killer dance moves?” Placing your hand over your heart, you acted as if you were offended at this great tragedy.

Rolling his eyes at you, Dean lowered his music and started to make you a plate. “I can do that.” You attempted to grab the plate, but Dean moved it out of your reach.

“I got it. Go sit down, pretty girl,” Dean ordered you before he leaned down and gave you a kiss. You guessed that the kiss from earlier wasn’t a one-off and discreetly smiled to yourself, wondering what this means for you and Dean.

Taking your seat, Sam entered the kitchen and began making a plate of his own. “Hey, Y/N, how you feeling?”

“Mmmm, better now. It still hurts, but I know that my mom wouldn’t want me to dwell on it too long. She lived the life that she wanted, even if it was cut short.”

“Between Samuel and your grandma, we had some crazy ass grandparents,” Dean referenced to his grandfather that would’ve let them die in exchange to have Mary back. Little did he know if he could’ve waited a couple of more years, he would’ve had her back.

Setting down his plate and yours, the three of you began eating dinner. Talk varied from when y’all would take the next case, when you should visit Jody and the girls again, when would Cas and Jack get back, and even a little argument about how turkey burgers taste the same as regular burgers.

At that moment you were trying to convince Dean to watch The Little Mermaid with you, but he refused, saying he was too grown to be watching fairy tales. Deciding that he wasn’t too grown, Sam poked fun at Dean. “So, Dean, how did you know how to break the spell put on Y/N?” Sam knew the answer, Dean confided it in him earlier, but he wanted Dean to say it in front of Y/N.

Looking at his baby brother as if he could strangle him, Dean dropped his burger. “Lucky guess.” He grunted before picking it back up and biting into it.

Your eyes switched back and forth between the brothers. Obviously, Dean was holding something back by the way he was giving Sam bitch face.

“That’s not what you said earlier,” Sam retorted, hiding his smirk by taking a bite of his own burger.

“Oh, Dean, c’mon tell me.” You pleaded, giving him your best puppy dog eyes that he couldn’t resist.

“Truelove’skiss.” He mumbled quickly.

Hiding a giggle, you asked him to repeat himself, “Excuse me, what was that?” You knew exactly what he said, you just wanted him to be louder.

“True love’s kiss, ok! Now can we drop it?” He snapped, embarrassed he knew this little fact and that he was basically announcing his feelings to you this way.

Abandoning your seat, you jumped into Dean’s lap and kissed him all around his face. Sam silently left to give you two privacy and also, he didn’t want to see anything if you two decided to get explicit.

“I love you, Dean Winchester,” you whispered into his ear.

Dean’s eyes lit up as if you told him he had an unlimited amount of pie. He knew that for a true love’s kiss to work, both parties had to love each other, but hearing you say it confirmed it for him. “I love you, too.”

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you snuggled into Dean deeper. “So, does this mean you’ll watch The Little Mermaid with me?”

“I guess,” Dean accepted defeat as you squealed in his lap. “But only if you sing along. I can’t get enough of that voice of yours.”

“Of course, my knight in shining armor.” Dean put an arm behind your back and the other under your knees to carry you bridal style to his cave.

“And at the end of the night can I kiss the girl?” Dean asked with a mischievous grin on his face, glad that he made at least one reference.

Making your voice a bit softer to sound like a princess, you replied, “Oh my dear sir, you can do whatever you like to the princess. She’s forever in your gratitude.”

“Well, princess, be prepared not to finish that movie, because I got other things in mind.”

Soon, Ariel and her pals became a distant memory with the opportunity of a better time spent with Dean. “If that’s the case, then how about you show me how wicked that stepmother was in Snow White?” You offered, suggestively raising your perfectly arched eyebrows.

With that suggestion, Dean changed his course and headed for his bedroom. “Anything for the lady.” Passing a conversating Sam and Al in the hallway, you conjured up earplugs in their hands. Of course, you could’ve soundproofed the room, but you wanted to gross them out instead.

“Dudes, disgusting!” Sam groaned, but you could barely hear him over yours and Deans’ laughs. This is what happily ever looked like and you wouldn’t trade it for a thing in the world.

Tags: @titty-teetee @nervouspetsonanime @thefaithfulwriter @nerd-lovely

#black!reader #dean winchester #dean winchester x y/n #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester x you #dean winchester x black!reader #dean x reader #dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester fanfiction #spn #spn fandom #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fandom

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stahlop · 5 years

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Once Upon a Time 1x01 ‘Pilot’ Review

First off, I just want to say thanks for reading and following me. Ever since OUAT ended I’ve wanted to do some sort of rewatch and voice all the opinions I had originally but had no outlet for.

This will be a spoiler-free blog review, so I will be doing my best not to allude to future episodes, characters, or plot points for those that are watching the series for the first time.

Episodes that take place in the past will be referred to as the Enchanted Forest (EF), present day will be Storybrooke (SB), unless taking place somewhere else. If/When timelines start getting a little screwy, I’ll deal with it then.

I will have sections in which I talk about firsts that happen in the episode, it won’t be spoilery, but mentions of things that we will be seeing a lot of in the future.

Also, because I’m a name nerd, I’ll be getting into all the names characters are given when they are introduced and how they apply to their Enchanted Forest character (only to the ones that this applies to).

Also, this is my first time posting something so long, so hopefully I did it right. So, without further ado, my review of Once Upon a Time, Season 1, Episode 1, “Pilot”.

Synopsis:

Emma Swan is found by the son who she gave up for adoption 10 years ago and he brings her to his hometown of Storybrooke. He claims all the people that live there are fairy tale characters who have been cursed by an evil queen to never find their happy endings. That evil queen just also happens to be his adopted mother!

So first off, I wanted to say that the Enchanted Forest scenes are gorgeous! We have Prince Charming galloping across the beach on a horse, we have the whole Glass Coffin/True Love Kiss scene in the forest with flower petals just raining down. We have Snow’s castle and the amazing shot of the wedding with Snow and Charming on the dais with a little canopy and just surrounded by their people. Even just the scenes of Snow leaning against the balcony of her room and the War Council room are just wonderful to look at. For a show that uses a ton of CGI, I don’t tend to notice it at all.

So let’s talk about the characters. Being that this is the pilot we were introduced to a lot of characters for exposition purposes.

Prince Charming: We don’t know much about him except that he woke Snow White up with True Love’s Kiss. They apparently already know each other (which is not necessarily true for the original Grimm’s Fairy Tale version), so he’s not just some random prince coming to kiss a princess. He and Snow seemed to get married pretty quickly, and conceive Emma pretty fast (or maybe Snow was already pregnant when they got married)! He’s also very brave as he’s not afraid to go up against the Evil Queen or her guards. Plus, he’s pretty badass when carrying baby Emma in one arm and fighting off the Evil Queen’s guards in the other. He looks like he didn’t quite make it to our realm, but then we see him in a coma at the end.

Snow White/Mary Margaret Blanchard: I’m so glad that they made her older. In the Grimm’s version she’s seven and in the Disney version she’s 13! I’m not sure how old she is supposed to be here, but she looks to be around Emma’s age (in real life she was 32 when this was filmed), which seems a little old for a princess to be getting married, but we haven’t seen her backstory yet. I love that Snow also seems to be very brave as she immediately takes out Charming’s sword when the Evil Queen makes her entrance and she does not back down. Snow announces that she is no longer the queen there. So it’s no surprise that as Mary Margaret in Storybrooke, she is shy and meek and can’t hold her own against Regina. The curse has made her timid as a mouse (or a bird). She has lost her happy ending. She has no love (from the people or from Charming), and she is extremely lonely. Although one thing I’ve noticed that seemed odd is that Snow seems very pessimistic and Mary Margaret is the one full of hope. Snow has everything but can’t see the light at the end of tunnel while Mary Margaret has no one but knows that things can only get better.

Emma Swan: She is a complete badass just like her parents. We first see her doing the honeypot trap as a bail bonds person (more on my opinions of that later) and completely turning Ryan out on his ass. She doesn’t put up with anyone’s shit. We find out later from her conversation with Henry why; she has no one. She was left on the side of the road with just her baby blanket, was returned after being adopted by a family into the foster system, and then lived in bad situations until she aged out of (or ran away from) the system. So Emma clearly has abandonment issues. This also shows us why she wants to make sure Henry is loved and raised by someone who loves him and why she decides to stay at the end. She doesn’t want him to end up like her. Emma also has a superpower that lets her know when people are lying, which must come in handy doing bail bonds.

The Evil Queen/Regina Mills: I know I keep using the word badass, but she is such a badass queen. You can see she doesn’t take shit from anyone and will do anything to reach her goals. We don’t know why she hates Snow so much (Snow mentions that it was because she was prettier than her, which is based off both versions of the story), but I really don’t believe that someone would hate someone that much based off of their looks, or would curse a whole population because of that (although, that may be more because they are now under Snow’s rule and not hers anymore). Regina is no nonsense as well. She’s kind when it gets her what she wants (drinks with Emma, making sure she’s leaving), but the second Emma decides to stay Regina is callous and vicious. She also terrorizes Mary Margaret and puts her down. The jury is still out on how she feels about Henry. She certainly seems pretty concerned when she goes looking for him at the sheriff’s office and when Emma returns him home (both times), but Emma certainly senses that she is lying when she asks Regina if she loves him. It may be that she’s not capable of love or doesn’t truly understand how to love Henry given her past.

Henry Mills: He’s a pretty straightforward character. He somehow finds Emma, despite it being a closed adoption, steals Mary Margaret’s credit card and charges it without her knowing, and sneaks away from Regina several times. He’s also seeing a therapist which seems to discredit him slightly in Emma’s eyes. Although, it seems he’s seeing a therapist due to his relationship with Regina and not the curse, since Regina doesn’t know he knows about it. He’s pretty much our narrator. I’ll have to admit, I’m not a huge fan of Jared Gilmore. He’s not a good actor and he tends to take me out of the story.

Rumpelstiltskin “The Dark One”/Mr.Gold: Very creepy. Seems to be insane in some way. Very interested in learning how the most evil, vile creature of the Enchanted Forest was captured. We learn his penchant for making deals and dealing in names (similar to the Grimm’s fairy tale in which the miller’s daughter had to guess his name to save her firstborn). He tells us about Regina’s curse, that it will take everyone to someplace horrible, and that Snow and Charming’s child is the key to breaking the curse. He also wants to know the child’s name. This is important later as Mr. Gold. When he is introduced to Emma you can see a brief flicker. I’m pretty sure this has broken his enchantment and he now knows who he is. I know some people aren’t sure if this is when it happens, but I’m pretty sure he built this in to the curse somehow. As Mr. Gold he owns the town, literally owns everything. It looks like Rumpelstiltskin may be the only character to have a happy ending besides Regina for the most part.

Archie/Jiminy Cricket: No last name yet. He is Henry’s therapist in Storybrooke and Jiminy Cricket in the Enchanted Forest. How he becomes human when he was once a cricket remains to be seen. He does mention to Henry about giving into his dark side with his lying, which we also hear him say as Jiminy back in the Enchanted Forest. He has a dalmation, no name mentioned their either.

Graham: All we know about him so far is that he is the sheriff of Storybrooke. No clues as to who he might have been in the Enchanted Forest. But he seems awfully close with Regina.

Grumpy/Leroy: Definitely lives up to his name in both realms. First seen in jail as Leroy for his drinking.

Questions:

One thing I noticed with Snow is that her coffin dress and her wedding dress both have feathers on them. Is this because of her affinity for birds or does Snow White just like feathers?

Why does Charming yell ‘Hey!’ before throwing his sword at the Evil Queen? She may not have seen it coming otherwise. Maybe he believes in not stabbing someone in the back.

I honestly do not understand the honeypot trap that Emma does to catch a skip. Why would someone, who is trying to evade the law, put his profile online to try and find a date when they should be getting the hell out of town? And especially Ryan who is married! Why is he putting his information online when he is a wanted person? Is he that desperate for sex?

Emma was adopted as an infant and then given back to the system at age three when her family got pregnant. Who the hell does that? As parents how can you just give up a baby you’ve raised since infancy up for adoption because you’ve now become pregnant?

What is this wolf in the middle of the road? Is this why people can’t leave? Does this wolf come out and scare them every time they try to leave?

Regina’s curse is very thorough. Not only did she have to create new names and personalities for everyone, she had to create jobs and infrastructure and all that goes with a town in a realm she’s never been to. How did she know everything that would be needed? How was this curse created in the first place? I know I’m breaking down the basic construct of the show with these questions, but it bothers me.

Observations:

It’s so nice that the storybook illustrations barely have the faces drawn in so Emma can’t see who everyone actually is.

Emma’s birthday candle is a blue star. She just needed “When you wish upon a star” playing in the background.

Snow and Charming waste no time getting pregnant.

Somehow, Snow and Charming know the sex of their child while still in the womb.

There is a power surge when Emma open her car door for the first time in Storybrooke.

We see flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and the Caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland when Emma crashes into the Welcome to Storybrooke sign after discovering Henry left his book in the car.

The War Room scene includes Snow, Charming, the seven dwarves, Geppetto and Pinocchio, Granny and Red(or at least who I assume is Red Riding Hood as that’s what she is wearing), and the Blue Fairy.

Only one person can go through the wardrobe.

Snow apparently goes into labor early since she was supposed to go through the magical wardrobe while still pregnant.

Leroy is singing “Whistle while you work” in the jail cell.

One of Mary Margaret’s students gives her a pear instead of an apple.

Snow tries to kiss Charming awake after he’s been stabbed, even though it wasn’t a curse that hurt him.

Emma’s key for Granny’s B&B has a swan on it.

This series could have been presented one of two ways. We could have had Henry trying to convince Emma that Storybrooke was full of fairy tale characters without the aid of the flashbacks. Then we as an audience would have had to guess on our own if Henry was seriously delusional, or if he was telling the truth. But the creators decided to do it Lost style (since they were writers on that show), in which we got the flashbacks of the characters, leaving no doubt that they were indeed the fairy tale characters from Henry’s book.

Once Upon a Time Firsts:

Burst of rainbow light during True Love’s Kiss

True Love’s Kiss

“I will always find you”

Emma calling Henry ‘kid’

Emma’s superpower that she can tell if someone is lying

Emma’s red leather jacket

The prophecy that Emma will return to break the curse on her 28th birthday and the final battle will begin.

Emma’s yellow bug

The time 8:15 (the time the clock tower is stuck on)

Grumpy as town cryer

Mary Margaret’s hope speech

Mention of Emma’s baby blanket

Emma was put through the wardrobe to ‘give her her best chance’.

Once Upon a Time Names:

Mary Margaret Blanchard: Mary means wished for child. In the Grimm’s version, her mother wished very much for a child. Margaret means pearl; they are usually white. Blanchard means white.

Regina Mills: Regina means queen in Latin. Her last name Mills could be her possible origin. Possibly the miller’s daughter from the Rumpelstiltskin story who needed to spin straw into gold.

Mr. Gold: Rumpelstiltskin is able to spin straw into gold.

This ended up being much longer than anticipated. Hopefully you enjoyed it. Feedback is welcome. Please let me know your thoughts about anything: the episode, the characters, the formatting, etc.

@searchingwardrobes @thisonesatellite @justbecauseyoubelievesomething @laschatzi @profdanglaisstuff @mariakov81

#once upon a time #once upon a time rewatch #once upon a time 1x01 #once upon a time pilot

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lol-jackles · 5 years

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I'm curious about your thoughts on the last GOT episode. I was stunned and pissed when Arya killed the white walker. This has been Jon's sl since S1, and to hand the kill to Arya just for shock value (they as much as admitted that), while Jon flew/ ran around accomplishing nothing was terrible storytelling. I feel like his entire story arc was made meaningless, which is awful since he is the central,protagonist. Am I wrong?

Ever since GoT passed ASoFI, de-brained Tyrion, and turned Daenerys into a fake Marvel superhero, I took those as signs to reset my expectation to “entertaining”. So despite 8x03′s many flaws, it was very entertaining and I didn’t find myself let down in the least. Reminder, the keyword is entertaining. I know it make no tactical sense (okay it was stupid) to have the Dothraki cavalry charge into the zombie armies in the dark open field, but it was hella cool visuals and then to see the horror on the characters’ faces when they see the lights go out as their hope went out too. Plus you can’t tell me that in-unverse the Northerners wanted to get rid of the Dothraki. They already got their own equalivent of Dothrakis called the Ironborns, they don’t want Ironborns 2.0, the land version.

I get wanting Jon to waste the Night King because it was built up over 7 seasons, but I wasn’t upset he didn’t because I wasn’t obsessed with the size of Jon Snow’s *cough* fate. The Night King doesn’t exist in the books, he was the show’s invention as a plot device to develop Jon’s character, forcing him to grow, fight, and think outside the ice box. “Jon didn’t kill the Night King” should not be conflated with “Jon accomplished nothing”. Jon warned Westeros about the ice zombies and formed alliances among enemy houses to stop the apocalypse. Jon mined the dragonglass so everybody, including Ayra, had weapons and it was the only reason the entire castle wasn’t mown down. Without Jon, Winterfell would have fallen to the Night King who then would have marched on to rest of Westeros and wiped out the human race. Jon correctly guessed that by killing NK his armies will die with him and that’s why he flew around looking for the NK and dislodged him off of Viserion. Once on the ground the Night King was surrounded by an infinite army of zombies so Jon was not ever going to fight your way to him, and he’s never going to duel Jon Snow for any reason other than plot-induced stupidity. How do you kill someone with infinite bodyguards? A badass assassin. Who’s the most badass assassin we know? Arya Stark.

Before I get to that, lets look at the storytelling, I liked how they cut from the scene with Arya finding her renewed purpose to a long stretch of other activity, including Jon fighting desperately to get back and defend Bran, Jorah and Daenerys’ last stand, and Theon making his brave but stupid charge at the Night King. It all was so pitched and emotional, and went on just long enough that I completely forgot about Arya, so when she came leaping out of the darkness, I had a true “holy shit!” moment like I hadn’t had before on the show.

While I think the writers had the right idea with Arya being the Night King’s assassin, they didn’t do a good job pulling it off because she jumped out of literally no where, in a open clearing, completely surrounded by the Night King’s infinite bodyguards. I think they should have had Jon Snow kills Viserion rather than yelling at him, then he gets to the the godswood and get stopped by the zombie army surrounding the NK, so Jon draws the attention of the White Walkers and wights as he attempts to fight his way through them. Then Arya takes the opportunity to sneak in and assassinate. Jon Snow gets to be a badass, and Arya still gets to do the role she was meant for, hopefully with less people whining about it. Either way, I can ignore the bad execution because they at least choose the best person for the job when it comes to defeating the Night King. I hate Waif-Fu but Ayra vs Night King wasn’t a physical fight between a little girl and a supernatural monster, it was a sleight of hand to stop extinction.

Plus I was glad it wasn’t Daenerys *several non-academic titles* Targaryen and her dragons that killed the Night King, her already monsterous sense of entitlement would have ratched up several more notches. Speaking of which…

Jon is the show’s central protagonist and I think the next three episodes will be Jon vs Dany, so it makes some sense why neither Jon nor Dany killed the Night King because they need to start their conflect on the same level i.e. each have a dragon and loyal armies, with Dany’s army now depleted to the same number as Jon’s. The real war will be between them, not Jon & Dany vs Cersei. Cersei is certainly a formidable opponent, but there is nothing about fighting her that would realistically blindside actors that the leaked spoilers implies.

I’ve noticed many people mocking the lack of chemistry between Jon and Dany, I think that lack of chemistry is by design. Both Jon and Dany had relationships and chemistry with other characters and this isn’t a matter of bad writing because the show clearly knows how to create a romance. Up until now we only see the relationship from one person’s POV, Dany’s. She is clearly supposed to believe she is in love with Jon. However, Jon’s POV is withheld (remember what I’ve said about how we can’t know everything about the protagonist?). We don’t know how he truly feels about her. We’re told by other characters but not by Jon. I think we see that this is all being done because as Dany insinuated herself, Jon is manipulating her. He did it all to get her to fully commit to the war in the North. All is not as it seems with this relationship and Jon will bear the weight of the fallout.

#Game of Thrones #Jon Snow #daenerys targaryen #Ayra Stark

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azuresquirrel · 6 years

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WHAT UP PALS, I’M DOING A GOOFY LIVEBLOG OF THE FLASH mostly for the benefit of @spaceoperetta and whoever else finds me mildly amusing LET’S GO FAST.

EPISODE ONE.

Oh man I only watched one episode of Glee that this actor showed up in and but it’s going to take me a while to get used to him being Barry Allen and not that evil snot-nosed gay kiddo.

WHY HELLO THERE HAZY-FOCUSED IDYLLIC FLASHBACK OF TOTALLY DEAD MOM. WHAT A NEW AND GROUNDBREAKING SUPERHERO TROPE.

HI THERE DAWSON’S DAD WHO DIED FROM CAR ICE-CREAM (thank you forever lemedy for sending me that video)

And Barry’s mom was eaten by some CGI? I guess?

PRESENT DAY: Collins from Rent is investigating some shit with some jerkass who looks like the poor man’s Santino Fontana.

Oh great, Barry’s Sherlock I guess. JOY.

So Barry’s job is . . . CSI? BEING WILL GRAHAM? I never actually put thought into what Barry’s job was.

“your sad little nerdy dream” IRIS IS A QUEEN. “you look amazing’ and she eye-rolls at him. THAT BLACK JACKET WITH ROSES IS SOME GODDAMN UTENA DREAM AESTHETIC.

What city does this take place in? You know what, it doesn’t matter what city this takes place in, Barry definitely cannot afford whatever the rent is on this . . . apartment? Lab??

HARRISON WELLS APPEARS after extremely awkward relationship talk. I guess I should maybe not call him JD’s Gay Brother anymore.

BARRY YOU’RE NOT DOING A VERY GOOD JOB OF GOTTA GO FAST.

Awww, Barry’s got a little Charlie-conspiracy-board of his mom’s death. HEALTHY.

Yeah I’m pretty much paying no attention to the actual criminal plot/technoobabble about particle accelerators, I’M WAITING FOR MY SON.

Oh so NOW Barry’s going to be GOTTA GO FAST because of particle accelerator . . . lightning . . . which also maybe killed his mom/SENT HER TO THE SHADOW REALM. (I HOPE YOU’RE NOT HERE FOR ACCURACY)

MY SON!!!!! HE’S SINGING ALONG TO “POKERFACE.” HE TRULY IS MY SON.

Cisco is . . . looking at Barry . . . in a VERY not heterosexual way. While playing Lady Gaga tunes. Like. Dudes.

Also Catilin is here and I’ve taken it from others’ blogging that she gets a super raw deal on this show, but also her name is DR. SNOW like that’s badass.

Barry’s been in a coma for nine months = WOW SUBTLE REBIRTH SYMBOLISM THERE.

I know this is a pilot but this sure is GOTTA GO FAST-ing through the plot/premise.

“Your heart was going too fast for the EKG to register it.” I just fucking laughed. I’m not a scientist but WOW THIS SHOW.

Barry is learning how to GOTTA GO FAST while reuniting with Iris in a fucking coffeeshop, are we sure this isn’t just filmed fanfic?

Oh like that’s the bad guy or whatever. With the awesome power of FOOOOOOOOOG.

Barry just fucking VIBRATES HIMSELF INTO A CAR like jesus fucking Christ Barry, who allows you to do things by yourself.

And apparently in the space of a commercial break Barry goes to STAR Labs and says ‘HEY I HAVE A TERMINAL CASE OF GOTTA GO FAST’ and they set up a whole goddamn experiment and Cisco gets him into a fucking SKINTIGHT ROMPER????? LIKE????

(Cisco is 120% responsible for that outfit I will hear nothing otherwise)

Oh right so like . . . some time-travelling version of Harrison is TOTALLY the CGI that ate Barry’s mom right? I FORGET THE TIMELINE/TIMETRAVEL BULLSHIT ON THIS SHOW.

Okay so Badguy of the Week is supposedly white dude Storm but Storm is awesome so I’m sticking to this guy having the power of FOOOOOOOOOG.

Mmmmm this seems like a good time to bring up the traumatic murder of your mom that you’ve been obsessing over for at least a decade to a guy who TOTALLY isn’t the dude who murdered her.

Oh so I guess Iris is dating the dude who’s so boring that I literally blank out whenever he’s onscreen. PLEASE let this delaying the obvious endgame couple subplot not last long.

Iris is rocking these fucking great rose ensembles.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG.

I’m just saying we’re spending an awful lot of time on boring white dude side characters when we could have more CISCO.

Oh so I guess all of the Badguy/Monsters of the week were all caused by the ~particle excellerator~ doohickey.

Mmmm yeah the thing to do for a kid who just got out of a nine month coma is to yell “YOUR DAD KILLED YOUR MOM” in a public street the very next day. HELPING!

Metahumans, you mean BADGUYS OF THE WEEK.

Pffff all of Harrison’s looks in this scene of Barry yelling like an angry kitten are basically “JUST AS PLANNED.”

Oh shit so Momma Barry wasn’t eaten by CGI as THE WORLD’S WORST COPS LET AN 11-YEAR-OLD LIFT UP THE TARP COVERING HIS MOM’S BODY. CHRIST.

Am I supposed to know who this guy is? Is this Green Arrow? I DEEPLY DO NOT CARE. (it is Green Arrow. I STILL DO NOT CARE)

“You’re better because you can inspire your city in a way I never could” = my show sucks ass

Cisco’s face = “MY FANTASY THREESOME”

He . . . he literally made Barry’s suit. Like. Guys. GUYS.

This CGI tornado is basically “OH NO, IT’S COMING VERY SLOWLY TOWARDS US.”

Cisco: “Mmm yes I put a direct link to my line in your helmet. Because. Superhero reason. Those are the reasons. Yep.”

Cisco about a guy he met two days ago: “He can do it. I know he can do it.” Me: *looks into camera*

Harrison saying “I’m responsible for all of this” like he’s supposed to be contrite but he TOTALLY has an o-face right now.

IS BARRY GONNA DESTROY CGI TORNADO BY LITERALLY JUST FUCKING RUNNING AROUND IT? AMAZING.

“I don’t want you telling Iris about anything you can do. I want her safe.” WOOOOW THE MOST FUCKING ORIGINAL SUPERHERO TROPE IN THE WOOOOOOORLD.

SORRY BARRY THIS ISN’T GOING TO END WELL FOR YOUR DAD, JUST A HUNCH. THIS IS A CW SHOW, NOT ACE ATTORNEY.

Cisco literally adding bling to Barry’s suit while ironically wearing a Bazinga T-shirt = ICONIC.

Okay I’m taking The Flash liveblogging as mostly a goofy lark and don’t want to get all Discoursey and such but um . . . there are ways to show that Harrison is a duplicitous assholethat we should not trust WITHOUT doing the whole Faking a Disability trope. I’M JUST. THROWING THAT OUT THERE.

One episode down and my conclusions are that Iris is way too cool to be stuck in the “hero’s love interest CAN’T KNOW ABOUT SUPERHEROICS FOR HER OWN GOOD” plot and Cisco is my not-straight son and the true hero of this show.

#Azuresquirrel Watches The Flash #me looking at .gifsets: 'Cisco probably isn't straight'#me watching this episode: 'WELL THEN.'#oh yeah also Cisco is the main character now those are the rules #don't @ me about DC canon bullshit I DON'T KNOW THIS COMIC CRAP

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smokeybrandreviews · 4 years

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Smokey brand Reviews: Coin Toss

In my ongoing effort to avoid watching actual, award winning cinema that takes a massive amount of my attention to critique, i’ve decided to re-watch The Witcher on Netflix. Now, i’ve never read the books. At all. I’ve played the games though so i’m aware of the world and i’ve been balls deep in the wiki, so i’m aware of the lore. Being aware of the lore is not the same as understanding the nuance of plot, however, so i’m approaching this as a superficial fan of the series but a well versed critic of cinema. I’d say this is a waste of time but, seeing as how it’s the most popular show in Netflix history, already has a second season ready to begin production, an anime movie adaption in the works, and the actually creator making nice with CD Project Red so we might get a fourth Witcher game, it’s maybe not SO much a waste of time to revisit.

The Best

Yenner. F*cking Yennefer of Vengerberg! Yo, she is easily the best thing about this show. Seriously, it’s called The Witcher but it is basically Yenner’s story from the second she appears onscreen in the second episode. She has the most development, appears in the dopest set pieces, and has the highest stakes among all principal characters. For them to nail the character so perfectly, one needs to have a brilliant performer to embody that spirit, and Anya Chalotra stepped into that responsibility perfectly. Chalotra’s Yennerfer is gorgeous, powerful, brilliant, broken, strong, and vulnerable at the same time. It takes very real talent to convey all of that nuance so effortlessly.

The Good

I was hesitant when they announced Henry Cavill as Geralt of Rivia and then put off by the production shots with that terrible wig, but dude IS Geralt. I mean, again, i only know the character from the games and what little information i was able to glean from the wiki, but, from what i’ve learned, dude is perfect in the role. He has a presence onscreen that demands your attention, only outshined by Chalotra’s Yennefer. Learning that Cavill, himself, is a massive Witcher nerd, which makes a ton of sense. Superman bailed on being The Man of Steel, specifically to have input on this project so they wouldn’t f*ck up the adaption. I love that passion, man!

I hear that the Jaskier character is completely different in the source material but i wouldn’t know anything about that. All i know is the Jaskier presented in this show and he is absolutely delightful! Portrayed by Joey Batey, Jaskier shows up, sings a diddy, and steals all of the scenes. His chemistry with both Geralt and Yennerfer is palpable and i look forward to where they take this character. Toss a goddamn coin to your Witcher!

I remember reading, way back during the casting call, that hey were trying to Race bend Ciri. Having no real connection to the characters outside of the games, i thought it might be dope to see a brown lead. I, apparently, was in the minority. The fanboys hated that idea. There was this big stink between geeks and SJWs. It exhausted me so i stopped caring. Imagine my surprise when Freya Allen appeared onscreen for the first time in the role. I was mad confused because i was looking for a caramel colored lady or something, not this snow white faye. It took a few episodes for me to understand that this WAS Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon but, by then, i was in love with Allan’s portrayal. I could see the beginnings of the badass the Ciri i knew from the games in her performance and, indeed, by the end of the season, she was well on her way to being that b*tch. More than anything, i’m looking forward to season two specifically to see where her arc goes.

Surprisingly, in a show with such, great, principal performances, MyAnna Buring as Tissaia de Vries, came with the heat. I was thoroughly surprised by how cold, how calculating, yet, how loving she was as a character. I was actually stunned with her portrayal. I’m a little perturbed by where the show ended up taking the character, but i still enjoyed what she did with the material given to her.

Now, i have to be clear, Yennerfer is my favorite character in this show. She’s my favorite character in the entire franchise but Netflix’s version of Calanthe Fiona Riannon, can give my darling Quadroon a run for her money in that regard. My, goodness, “Lioness of Citra”, indeed! Jodhi May killed this role. I was absolutely enthralled with her portrayal, so much so, i mourned her passing when she kicked the bucket. I was left wanting so much more of her. We’ll see how that work out going forward.

The world, itself, is kind of wondrous. The y way they built these sets and created such a palpable, tangible, reality for such a hard fantasy series, is kind of amazing. The only other show in this genre to even come close to these levels of production was Game of Thrones. I’ve heard Witcher compared to GoT in articles and it’s a relatively apt juxtaposition. The world and lore created by Netflix so far, is a quiet miracle unto itself.

The writing is pretty okay. Considering the source material and type of genre wherein the show takes place, i’m surprised by how natural the dialogue feels in this thing. I mean, who doesn’t love a particularly punctuating “F*ck.”

The overall vision of this show, the grandness of the tale being told, is fantastic. I love that ambition. I love the fact that the challenge of The Witcher, is being taken on with a true reverence of love for the source material. In a world with such terrible Starr Wars films made by Disney and the worst kind of capeflicks coming out of WB, getting such a dope adaption is a breath of fresh air.

The Bad

This show feels cheap as sh*t. I understand you want to capture the “pests” as they’re called, in all that horrid glory but that CG, man, it’s just poor. I gushed about the sets and what they were trying to do, the loving scope of production, but the end product fell just sort of that vision. The Witcher is not a cheap show to produce properly and it feels like Netflix was a little gun-shy to give it what it needed to be properly great.

The way the narrative is told can be wildly confusing. It took me a few episodes to understand that there were multiple points in time being shown and that we were bouncing between them. One of the major complaints i’ve heard is how the show didn’t make any sense and i am more than certain it’s this aspect of the presentation that people were talking about. Once you understand that there are literally three timeless being presented to you at once, there re guides on line, all of a sudden, this show becomes so much easier to digest.

There are certain character that were given such a criminally short amount of screentime. Triss Marigold immediately comes to mind but i’m speaking more about Renri. That sh*t was Refrigerator Syndrome in the clearest sense and it’s the worst. I’m not going to get into the whole politics of what that means because it’s exhausting but, seriously, to just tease us with such amazing characters only to have them relegated to nothing is just cruel.

The Verdict

Overall, The Witcher is a decent show. It’s by no means perfect, there are other, much better shows out there, a few even on Netlfix, but i understand why this one is so popular. There is a ton of potential here and i want to find my way back into this world as soon as possible, but i hope it has a bit more polished on the second outing. At the end of the day, even as cheap as this thing looks at ties, The Witcher is a brilliant, fantasy adventure, with strong set pieces and even stronger characters. The writing is solid, if a little cliche at times, but Yennefer’s journey, alone, is enough to make watching this thing worth. If you’re a fan of fantasy narratives or fantastic characterization, The Witcher will not disappoint.

#Smokey brand Reviews #The Witcher #Geralt of Rivia

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smokeybrand · 4 years

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Smokey brand Reviews: Coin Toss

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theblackbooknerd · 7 years

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Game Of Thrones: Season 7 episode 6 non spoiler review: Starkbowl, The blue eyed army, Jon Snow (King of my heart), A dragon or two, A tale of the hammerless Gendry, A love song for Tormund and me being absolutely done with Game of Thrones. Because I'm not ready to die and the show wants to kill me.

Note: Even though this is a non spoilery review, it may contain spoilers which will be noted/indicated before they are revealed. All thoughts are just my personal observations and opinions.

Firstly, let’s talk about Arya and Sansa- because that’s some BS right there and I can’t even; at first, I thought Arya and Sansa were playing littlefinger. But from this episode, I am now unsure. D&D, do you truly expect me to believe that these two sisters who haven’t seen each other in years, believed most of their family members to be dead and had no one and nowhere to call home would honestly be fighting like this? I can understand if there were only a slight atmosphere of distrust and/or caution- they didn’t get along even as children and of course now that they’re grown up they’d be trying to get a better feel of eachother, but all full blown bloody starkbowl is not what I had in mind. I mean [SPOILER] Arya (essentially) only threatened to kill Sansa [SPOILER] by saying she could wear her face (can you wear the face of someone living?). I mean maybe threatened is too harsh a word? But Arya’s intention in that scene was certainly to intimidate Sansa. It was working very well. But bravo to my Sansa (Queen of my heart and my Kings heart), for standing her ground. My point is, I find this very unrealistic and if it’s not a ploy planned by my Stark girls, I very well hope they band together in the end (which they will). I just want my baby’s to understand and recognise each others struggle and bloody love eachother.

Now let’s move on to the King of my heart: Jon “I am a King” Snow. Sigh. Jon oh Jon. Why oh why would you do that? No, seriously. I’m very very angry. I saw this coming of course ( I read the spoilers- shame on me). But I seriously can’t even comprehend what you think you’re doing. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. [MAJOR SPOILER] There was absolutely no need for you to “bend” the knee. She had promised to help you fight the white walkers. She was going to help you fight the blue eyed demons. Soooooooooooooo why did you do that. [Spoiler] My Queen- YOU ONLY KNOW ONE TRUE QUEEN IN THE NORTH WHO’S NAME IS STARK. Sigh. I don’t get where this sudden affection for Dani has come from. It was literally non existent before. It’s either due to his gratitude for her help. Orrrrrrrrr he’s playing the game. He’s killed the boy, recognised her great affection for him, and has decided to use it to his advantage. He’s killed the boy. Hopefully it’s that latter, but I can imagine it being a mix of both. Furthermore Jon Snow, I am very cross with you, but I love you and trust you enough to know that when we are at the end, your duty to the North, to your family, to your one true Queen Sansa Stark will override everything. Including Dani. You’re a man of your word Jon snow. A man of your word.

Ah, Dany. Now this episode, Dany’s character intrigued me immensely. I’m going to start with her wardrobe choice. When she went to help our gang, she transitioned back in to her lighter coloured clothing (to show that she’s actually doing something selfless for the first time in ages). But as soon as she gets back to the boat, she has changed back in to her darker attire (to represent the dark path she’s still walking on). Nothing in GOT is a coincidence, they’ve done this on purpose. To foreshadow. To mirror her actions. I repeat nothing is a coincidence. They even throw in the conversation with Tyrion. Tyrion’s begging her not to go- to do nothing. Not because he wants our blue-eyed demon fighting companions to die- oh no. He does it because he loves her and he’s scared and he doesn’t want to lose her. But Dani refuses. She has to go. She has to help them. Why is this conversation thrown in? I think it’s to give us hope. Last episode Tyrion and Vary’s are having that whole conversation where they are convincing themselves (mostly Tyrion) that what she did to the Tarly’s (my poor Dickon), was justified. When Tyrion says she isn’t her father, Vary’s replies she never will be with the correct consul. And here in episode 6, we perhaps see the earlier version of Dany. Helping people because she wants too, because she sees it as a duty, because it’s the right thing to do. Not the Dany we’ve been seeing recently: a Dani obsessed with the iron throne because she believes it’s her birth right (lol- R+L= J. Targbowl is really on the horizon). And it gives us hope. Perhaps she makes questionable decisions, but she is still good. Nope. As soon as we’re back on the boat, back in to her dark attire to represent her dark path. I mean think about it, [SPOILER], if they wanted to paint her as this truly good leader, why accept Jon bending the knee? If she had said no, I’ll help you either way, no my faith in her would’ve been fully restored. Because she’d be helping Jon not because she got something out of it, but because she recognises the threat the white walkers pose is too real to ignore. I have a love/hate relationship with Dany. I don’t hate Dany, I love her in the way that I love Cersei- not because she’s a good person, because she’s a complex one. When her and Tyrion discuss what happened with the Tarly’s, she calls it necessary. When Tyrion explains other ways they could’ve dealt with it- SHE DISREGARDS HIM. Sigh. There’s so much I could say about Dani but honestly, I’m just not bothered.

The blue eyed army- also known as the White walkers. This paragraph will include spoilers in essentially every sentence, so I suggest you just skip this one. Okayyyyyy- let’s talk about The King of the Blues- or the night King. Whatever. Same thing. This guy is BADASS OKAY. [SPOILERS FROM HERE UNTIL THE END OF THE WHITE WALKER PARAGRAPH] The way he killed Viserion on his first attempt? Yeahhhhhh byeeeeeee. Dude’s just too cool for school. He’s too cool for the North. He’s just cool in general to be honest. I really can’t wait until season 8 and the rest of the books to find out what the WW’s true purpose is. I’m really interested to find out. They really killed my baby Benjen. Who deserved so much more in life- YOU SEE JON. BENJEN DIDN’T DIE FOR YOU TO BEND THE FRICKING KNEE. YOU POMPUS SWINE. YOU ATTRACTIVE BEAST. YOU PANTY DROPPER. Sigh. Jon Snow, King of my heart- he knows nothing. But the White walkers are seriously such an interesting aspect of the show and now that they have a dragon on their side, it’s about to get very very interesting. The wall’s coming down. And the war’s about to begin.

Tormund and a splash of The Hound- I just love Tormund and thought it was wrong to write a review and not mention him. I love him and all the cute things he said about Brienne. And his observation of the Hound was bloody spot on (the hound is another interesting character). [Slight dialouge SPOILER]. “I don’t think you’re really mean, your eyes are sad.” [SPOILER] I just thank the God’s (the old God’s and the new), that they kept him alive as it was a very very close call.

The Hammerless Gendry- A tale: A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR BLOODY GENDRY THE HAMMERLESS who indirectly saved our gang. Whom is already loyal to his future “brother” (mwahahaha) in-law and the KITN (forever and always) Jon snow. Who could’ve died but kept running. The true hero of this episode: THE HAMMERLESS GENDRY. [SPOILERS AHEAD BUT IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE HIS HAMMER IS READ ON] Okay, so we’ve captured a WW, just another day in the North you know- no bigie and we’re ready to return to perhaps not the comfort of dragonstone (we are essentially bloody prisoners), but definitely as far away from the blue eyed ones as possible when we find ourselves surrounded by the army. YAY. Bloody brilliant. So what does Jon who knows nothing Snow do. We send our most capable rower- sorry- runner to run back to Dadvos (I do love Daddy Davos) and get a Raven to Dragonstone stat. At first, he refuses to leave bro in-law but Jon tells him he’s the only one who can do it. So he begins to run when The Hound stops him, says he’ll be faster without the hammer and so (hesitantly), Thor- I mean Gendry- entrusts the hammer with The Hound (guess he’s worthy). And that my friends, is how Gendry the Hammerless lost his hammer. And he’s a bloody hero for it. If Gendry didn’t get to Dadvos, Dani wouldn’t have known what was going on and therefore, they’d have been screwed. Gendry is the true hero.

My final thoughts: I enjoyed episode 6 thoroughly (apart from a few bits and bobs) and don’t know what I’m going to do next week when it all ends for maybe two years as opposed to one. It definitely gave me all the feels- I shouted, I jumped, I rolled my eyes, I almost cried (twice) and I got very very angry. I don’t understand where Jon and Dany popped out of but understand its necessity in the show in order to set up Targbowl, The (inevitable) Northern revolt and the fulfilment of Dany’s prophecies (three mounts you must ride… three fires you must light). I can tell Dany is smitten with Jon. Couldn’t say the same for Jon until this episode (poor Jorah). I’m happy the gang is safe for now. And I am impatiently awaiting the arrival of Sam and Gilly at Winterfell. Littlefinger death shall be immensely satisfying. Can’t wait for this foolish Starkbowl to end. The meeting at KL is going to be epic. Dany vs Cersei. Brienne and Jamie reunion. Euron shows his face maybe? A flipping R+L=J REVEAL WOULD BE GREAT. And yeah. I have too many feelings to type coherently, but overall, I quite enjoyed that episode.

I’m on book two of The Ice And Fire series: a clash of kings. And so far, I am enjoying them immensely.

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chestnutelm122 · 7 years

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OUAT: A look back before moving forward

Here's the thing: Once Upon a Time is the most flawed yet amazing TV shows I have seen. I don't really like the idea of the requel (as K&H calls it; as in "reboot" and "sequel" combined) because for me, the story should've ended with season 6. Heck, they should've ended the series with the musical episode, but no. Whether it's ABC or Disney or Kitsis and Horowitz that doesn't want to let the show go just yet, we don't know, but I can't not look back at the past seasons before the new season airs this Friday.

The Ships that Sailed

Once Upon a Time's story started with Snow White and Prince Charming, with their daughter Emma Swan going back home and breaking the curse. I love the Charmings during the earlier seasons. With Emma and her walls, Emma and Snow's friendship, Snow and Charming constantly losing and finding each other. But ever since ships were introduced in the show (*cough*season 3*cough*), things really get wonky. It was like being under the curse yourself. Which is sad, because I love season 3. Truth be told, I hate how Emma and her parent's story arc turned out, especially Emma's. Emma used to be a badass central focal point of the show but ever since she got paired with everyone she's been paired with, Emma has become weak and boring.

Go on, fight me, but that's the truth. Ever since ships happened, Emma's walls sunk lower than the Titanic and the destroyed wall on Game of Thrones combined. Everything that she does were all for ships. I can't even remember a single story arc from season 3 and on that does not involve Hook. Yes, I was a SwanFire shipper, but I also shipped CaptainSwan in the beginning... that is until I got sick and tired of seeing pointless plot lines just to cater the ship.

Like, take the Dark Swan arc as an example. Before season 5 began, I was so excited because Jennifer Morrison spent so much time preparing for the role. I thought it'd be the perfect story to end the series; the Savior becoming the Dark One. I thought, "yes, this will give her family a chance to save the Savior this time." I thought that they were finally going to bring back the focus on family and wake up from the curse that is ships. But I was wrong, because once again, the season ended with catering the ship. When I rewatched season 5 in preparation for season 6, I realized how much I hated that entire season and how they wasted 23 episodes for what could've been two amazing story arcs and for what? To make fans happy? What a load of crap.

The Right Savior

Like I said, I hate the fact that they murdered Emma's entire story arc for ships. No, I don't think that Emma has been useless ever since she was handed a love interest, but she started looking less of a Savior to me as seasons go. She couldn't even do a shit without turning the plot and centering it around Hook. I know, I should blame the writers for this, but we'll get to that later.

I know that when the show started, Emma was pegged as the Savior. But as seasons go, the term "Savior" seemed to apply loosely on everyone. Take Regina as an example. I HATED her in the beginning because she was so evil. I haven't forgiven her for killing Graham and for making Henry feel like he's crazy just to keep her secret, but ever since season 2, ever since she realized that she was turning out to be just like her mother, Regina changed. True, she slipped many times, but if there was one true Savior on this show, it's Regina. I'm not dissing Emma as a Savior, but as seasons go, it felt more like Emma couldn't save the kingdom without help from Regina or anyone else. And fight me on this, I don't care, but Regina has one, if not THE BEST story arcs on this show.

Once Upon a Plot Hole

If there's one thing I hate the most about this show, it's the plot holes. I don't know why they have to bring so many writers, but it's so annoying how each season can't go without a plot hole or a timeline problem. If it were up to me, I'd keep the writer's circle to 4 or 5 people (excluding K&H): Jane Espenson, David H. Goodman, Andrew Chambliss, Dana Horgan (and Brigitte Hales). These people have been writing for the show since season 1, a lot includes my favorite episodes and I hope they had these people write the entire show instead of hiring ten thousand writers who didn't know shit about the storyline. But it's not up to me so...🤷🏻‍♀️

Season 7 Hopes

I've seen episode 1 of the new season and for now, I can say that what I've seen is enough for me to stay tune to know what's going to happen next. However, I hope that writing 6 seasons of the show gave Eddy Kitsis and Adam Horowitz a chance to really see through their faults and write a better story. I hope they won't recast a new Snow White, Prince Charming or any of the main characters (and even secondary ones) we've all met and loved (or hated). I know they said that in this requel, we will meet fairy tale characters from other versions of the storybook, but IT STILL FUCKING HURTS. It felt like a huge slap on the face seeing a character get replaced.

I don't know how long the series will last. Maybe it will get cancelled after the 7th season, maybe it will go on for 100 seasons. We never know. After seeing the premier episode, I realized that season 7 feels like an entirely different series, but I'll keep watching the show for the three people I've grown to love and hate: Regina, Rumple and Hook.

I just really hope they won't butcher these characters this season.

And with that, Happy ONCEday, err, week ONCErs!

#once upon a time #captain swan #emma swan #captain hook #once upon a captain swan #regina mills #evil queen #evil regals #ouat #rumplestiltskin #rumpelstiltskin #snowing #if you make regina punching bag again i swear imma cast the dark curse #hook #killian jones #once upon a plot hole #bring back the happy ending

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adambstingus · 6 years

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6 Backward Ideas Hollywood Still Has About Men

Men are complicated, nuanced beings. No two men define masculinity the same way, and each of their boners hides its own precious secret. Many are desperate for every woman to love them, while at the same time compelled to explain their own jokes to them on Twitter. But despite the vast and wondrous spectrum that is man, Hollywood seems to have extremely specific ideas of what a man is supposed to be. And it’s not super great.

If You’re Less Than 6 Feet Tall, You’re Not A Real Man

You can be the most handsome, witty, charismatic male on Earth, but if you’re one inch below average height, then tough shit. Hollywood will desperately avoid revealing that awful truth to the audience, lest they vomit in the aisles with disgust. Such is the life of a short action star.

If shortness is acknowledged on screen, it’s as a punchline — a hilarious inadequacy that either leads to constant, desperate attempts at comedy or a life of crime as a bad guy’s sidekick. Movies would have us believe that short people live a life of existential struggle, that they are nothing more than incomplete souls crying out from children’s clothes.

The average height of an American male is 5 feet 9.5 inches tall. (Strangely enough, surveys reveal this is the exact same length of the average American penis.) Tom Cruise is famously 2.5 inches shorter than this average, but we only know that because our own insecurity demands we find a flaw, any flaw, in this 54-year-old man with 2 percent body fat and chiseled features that become only more handsome with age. Yet you’d never know he was a tiny man from watching his movies. For example, Ving Rhames is over 6 feet, but he’s shorter than Tom in that picture up there. How? Is he sitting down? Forty yards behind him? Take look at another shot from Mission: Impossible …

Mark Whalberg is 5’8 and Zac Efron is 5’8. Sylvester Stallone is barely two apples high. And yet every time they’re in a movie, they are looking all the normal people in the eyes, filmmakers forcing them to stand on little boxes to hide that they are grotesque, undersized genetic failures.

And god forbid we reveal that the 5’9 Robert Downey Jr. is in fact 3 inches shorter than Chris Evans. We could do this all day!

Question: Do you think this weird prejudice is with filmmakers or audiences? Do you really think we’d refuse to be inspired by a hero who possesses every other positive trait on Earth — courage, humor, charm, muscles, wealth, confidence, sexuality — if they can comfortably ride in the back seat of a Civic? It’s not like we’re expecting the hero to solve every mystery and defeat every bad guy with slam dunks. Although now that we think about it, that sounds like a pretty sweet goddamn movie.

So if you’re a short (or even average height!) male watching, then guess what: The only trait that apparently matters is the one you can’t do anything about.

You Can’t Just Be Smart; You’ve Also Got To Kick Ass

Back in the 1980s, we didn’t care if our burly action heroes could say anything coherent. Arnold Schwarzenegger talked like a moose trying to describe the peanut butter in its mouth, and Sylvester Stallone sounded like that same moose gently lowering itself onto a whoopee cushion. We didn’t care, though, because their swollen pecs and rattling M60s did all the talking for them.

“Aarraragaooooaaahhhh!!!” — John Rambo

In an ’80s action movie, diplomacy was a dick-measuring contest with a stick of dynamite, and Jean-Claude Van Damme always won. Heroes weren’t paid to be smart; they were paid to strangle mooks and walk silently away from exploding gas stations.

We’re obviously so much more sophisticated these days. The good guys in movies can’t be musclebound meat sacks anymore — they have to hold multiple PhDs and have a particular set of skills for every occasion. Ethan Hunt can speak 75 languages while maintaining the sexy abs of Instagram’s douchiest bro. Jason Bourne can predict his opponents’ every move ten steps in advance. Even the biggest, dumbest superhero, the Hulk, spends most of his movies as one of the planet��s leading scientists.

Marvel Studios To be fair, this is a pretty smart way to take down a fighter jet.

It would be nice to think that the message is “Even nerds can be cool!” But these guys don’t win by being nerds. In nearly every case, the real heroism comes in the form of a punch to the throat.

Remember those Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes movies, in which Sherlock uses his brilliant mind to beat the shit out of guys in shirtless pit fights? That was weird, right? But at least it shows him fighting as a hobby, to get good at it — the BBC version also wins every fistfight he’s in and can easily out-dive exploding bombs. You also might remember in the new Star Trek movies, wherein Mr. Spock uses his Vulcan logic to form plans like “Hold my beer, I’m going to go fuck that guy up.”

Warner Bros. Pictures “I can tell by the speck of paint on your shoes that your face is quite susceptible to temple punches.”

Take Tony Stark out of the Iron Man suit, and he can still beat the hell out of a mansion full of henchmen in Iron Man 3. When Transformers 4 needed a nerdy inventor protagonist, it cast this guy:

In fact, if you’re in a Hollywood film and you realize you’re only brilliant, we have some bad news for you: You’re not the hero. In fact, you’re probably the obnoxious sidekick nerd. Check to see if you’re Simon Pegg or Seth Green. If you’re not, we have more bad news: You’re probably the villain.

The message is clear, boys: Brains are fine, but only if you use them to invent better punching. And if you use your mind exclusively for non-punching endeavors, you’re either ridiculous or evil.

Broken, Tortured Men Are Sexy

There’s something sexy about a dead-serious man willing to do anything to get the job done. The Batmans and Liam Neesons of the world, men who ruthlessly cut through criminal organizations while brooding about the atrocities they’ve been forced to commit. Even the supposedly goody-two-shoes Superman now scowls as he struts out of exploded court houses filled with charred corpses and jars of pee. Is any of this sexiness getting you hot and bothered yet? Too bothered?

They are almost never seen eating, but always drink. If they’re in bed, they’re having nightmares about those they’ve lost (or, you know, having sex). They are emotionally cold and distant when they’re not being glib. This is all done in the name of emotional complexity, but can we still call it that when every character is the same?

For example, why does Hollywood refuse to accept Superman as simply a morally sound hero who genuinely wants to help people? Struggling to protect those weaker than him is a perfectly legitimate problem. Did they think we couldn’t relate to him unless he cried in an ice cave like he’s in an Evanescence music video? Did they think he’d look like a “pussy” if he didn’t destroy an entire city and snap Zod’s neck in front of two children?

Every action movie and show seems to be in an arms race to give their stars the most severe PTSD or the highest number of dead loved ones. It used to be we that showed how grizzled a cop was by how old the Chinese takeout was in his filthy refrigerator. Now it’s measured by how many times he flashes back to his family getting tied to chairs and set aflame.

It’s not like this is making these characters more relatable to young males. (“See, he has problems just like you!”) After all, it’s not like they are heroic despite their tortured psychology, or that it’s something to overcome. The psychological damage is the source of their power — John Wick is a boring retired dude until a pair of tragedies utterly destroy his life, at which point he expresses his grief through numerous therapeutic sessions of gun-fu. Mad Max’s defining character trait is that he never smiles, jokes, or shares anything about himself — telling a comrade his name is treated as a shocking breakthrough.

At every turn, the message is the same: You’re not a true, sexy badass unless you’re a tortured shell of a man.

Movie Princes Are Non-People

A lot of analysis has gone into movie princesses, specifically the ones Disney has been cranking out for most of a century. That’s because for decades, they were the only lead female characters in kids movies, which put a lot of pressure on them to be positive role models. They taught young girls how to believe in themselves and be courageous, but also that a woman’s greatest virtues are good looks and shutting up.

We’re not paraphrasing; that’s literally a verse in a Disney song.

Still, no matter who you are, there’s a solid chance you can name ten Disney princesses off the top of your head. On the other hand, can you name more than two or three Disney princes? Probably not, because most of the movies don’t even bother giving the poor bastards names. The characterization of the princesses might send mixed messages, but the princes are forgettable handsome shells containing zero personality and a fetish for teen girls. They exist only to rescue the women.

Cinderella’s dream husband? He doesn’t have a name. Beast from Beauty And The Beast? Aside from that mean nickname, he has no actual name. Snow White’s prince? Maybe he’s a Trevor? Could be a Graham or a Tony. We’ll never know, because the writers didn’t think the character was worth naming. These movies give names to the horses and the mice, but not the princes.

The main characters are supposed to spend the rest of their lives with these guys, and the only thing we know about them is that they’re single, heterosexual, and not child molesters. Except wait — we don’t know any of that. The only thing we know about Disney princes is that they fall in love easily and have no problem putting their mouths on sleeping strangers. Finding a girl in the woods and licking her awake isn’t a great contribution to a relationship.

The point is that when it comes to royal romances, a princess brings dynamic character and a sense of adventure. A prince is handsome and has nothing better to do. We suppose the rebuttal is that these are fantasies for little girls and not boys, but that doesn’t make it any better. What’s the message for them? “Some day you’ll meet a walking mannequin who will be perfect for you for one reason: He’s a prince.“

Prison Rape Is Hilarious

Jokes about female rape are still circulating out there (though not as many as were a few years ago), but it was always rare, if not unheard of, to see a movie play a violent male-on-female sexual assault for laughs. But if the victim is a male and doing time? It seems there is nothing funnier.

It’s this reprehensible nightmare of a thing — the worst thing happening in the worst possible circumstances — yet Hollywood cannot get enough of prison rape jokes. To show you how easy going we are about it, realize that every time anyone ever joked “Don’t drop the soap!” they were hilariously referring to a criminal raping you. Jokes about it are so acceptable they show up on SpongeBob SquarePants. They refer to it in Naked Gun and Guardians Of The Galaxy, and they hang the entire plot of Get Hard on it. If Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart had negotiated their contract to get paid $15 per rape joke, they could have tripled their multi-million-dollar salaries. This is a real, horrible phenomenon that’s happening to someone, somewhere, right now.

The unspoken implication is that these victims deserve it. Really? Is that what we’re going with — that our civilized society has built a justice system in which one of the punishments for selling weed or stealing a car is the possibility of being violated? Even if Congress codified that into the law, even if we decided that rape is a suitable punishment for tax evasion, it would still be super weird to joke about it. And if the victim is himself a rapist, so what? You’re trivializing the very thing he’s guilty of.

This is, in fact, part of a larger trend …

Men Are Cannon Fodder

In the real world, human life is a precious thing to be protected by all means. In a movie, lives are snuffed out as punchlines. Human bodies get blasted into pieces any time a film needs to pick up the momentum, and when we say “human,” we specifically mean “men’s.”

Yeah, we talk about how filmmakers and moviegoers are desensitized to violence, but that’s not true — it’s only violence against men. Let’s look at an example. In this fleeting moment of awesomeness from Batman v. Superman, Batman bursts up through the floor and pounds the shit out of a group of thugs.

He’s still working through the sting of not getting a Best Director nomination for Argo.

It’s pretty fun, right? Now imagine it was a warehouse full of women. Everything else is the same. They’re still armed, still up to no good, but every time Batman crushes one of their collar bones, it’s a woman’s voice screaming out in pain. Turn up the sound on that clip — imagine every painful grunt is a female voice. Imagine if the heads Batman smashed into the floor had ponytails and eye shadow.

We’re not even sure that sequence makes it into the theater — somebody at the studio would get Zack Snyder some counseling as soon as they saw the script. It’s not because women would be no physical match for Batman; nobody is a match for Batman. He is tearing through those guys like a rat terrier loose in a hamster cage. The fact is, that kind of violence toward women would hit you in the gut. When it’s dudes, it’s either awesome or hilarious.

You can do this with any action movie. Imagine watching Return Of The Jedi, only every time a Stormtrooper head is bashed in by an Ewok, you hear a female scream. It would be chilling — the cops would kick in George Lucas’ door and assume he has a crowd of female corpses in his freezer. It’d be equally weird if he had, say, given the battle droids in the prequels Jennifer Tilly’s voice. And remember in The Two Towers when Legolas and Gimli are whimsically counting out their kills? Can you picture that being the same kind of fun if those were female orcs?

In fact, find any movie in which a human death is treated as slapstick, make the victims female, and you are left with a video suitable only for a serial killer’s crawlspace. Indiana Jones once comically shot three Nazis with a single bullet:

If you can’t watch the clip, there’s a little comedy music cue that plays as their bodies slump aside. Imagine all three are women; at the very least, it becomes deeply uncomfortable. (“Uh, was Spielberg going through a rough divorce when they made this?”)

And no, we’re obviously not demanding Hollywood show more women getting butchered to make it equal. We’re not demanding they show us fewer dead dudes. We’re just saying that we’ve definitely been conditioned to react a certain way to on-screen brutality, and the difference between dread and hilarity is usually whether or not the victim has a penis.

That’s weird, right?

Guy Bigel is a professional flute player, and he uploads fun arrangements to his YouTube channel. Check out his stuff here. Jordan Breeding has a blog, a Twitter, and wishes Hollywood would portray him as a super nerd with biceps the size of basketballs.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/6-backward-ideas-hollywood-still-has-about-men/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/176405958897

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graveyardclaws · 7 years

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multiplies of 3 for that ask meme?

thank you!!!!!i suck at math so i might do this wrong

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?usually a receipt or random index card i find on the floor

6: do you keep plants?just one. two actually, but they share a pot. they’re both aloe. i’ve had them for almost two years, when we planted them in the pagan club i go to

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?kind of but i’m really self-conscious about it

12: what’s your favorite planet?i know this probably means real planet but all i can think of is coruscant from star wars. if it has to be real i guess i’d pick neptune.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!If two pieces of the same type of metal touch in space, they will bond and be stuck together permanently.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.i don’t have friends tbh but i can tell you about one with my family? we were playing apples to apples (basically a family friends version of cards against humanity) and there was one card with the word “hippopotamus”. i was like ten and while i totally knew what a hippopotamus was i had never seen it written down so i horribly mispronounced it. they bring it up Every Time. the same thing happened a few years ago when we were playing this american history trivia game and i mispronounced monticello. also with one of my friends in high school (hi gabby) we were hiding in the stairwell during lunch because we didn’t want to go to the cafeteria and she picked up the lid of my water bottle and pretended to ring it like a bell and made this ridiculous noise and i laughed so hard i had to go back downstairs to the water fountain so i wouldn’t literally choke and die.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.my favorite bag? idk. i used to carry this purse that had a blackbird embroidered on it. it was grey and had a really cool design. i’d pinned a lot of stuff to it like a rainbow ribbon (for gay pride and all) and a few band pins and others from hot topic. the bag started getting really worn out and i decided not to replace it because i feel like carrying a purse really feminizes me. other than that i guess it’s just my backpack. i mostly use it for school but it’s also really great for carrying stuff when i’m going into the city or headed up to boston to stay with my sister. the trials of not having any one specific home…

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?hell no i have so many horrifying secrets even i would run screaming if i hadn’t lived through it

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?i did not know bubblegum came in different flavors. i thought bubblegum was its own flavor. i’m so uncultured

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?yes

33: what’s your fave pastry?probably cinnamon rolls? i don’t know that many different pastries

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?fall out boy. specifically folie a deux

39: what color do you wear the most?black

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!it’s this new place you might’ve heard of it. starbucks?

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?i try to but idk if i have that much opportunity

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?when i was a kid it was ghosts/monsters. also being abandoned by people but i didn’t really put it into words at the time. and it kind of is still the same? i hate being alone in the dark because the monsters could get me and also i feel abandoned

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?idk what person to pick… sick little games by all time low makes me think of stuff my cousin and i talk about a lot

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?does myself in the mirror count?

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?it reminds me of sitting in the car with my sister driving when i was like fourteen. also my dad relentlessly mocking us for literally everything we’ve ever done. overall i like the song, but it has Memories

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?yes i love poetry!! my favorite poems are the fairy reel by neil gaiman, alone by edgar allan poe, do not go gentle into that good night by dylan thomas, and everything ever written by either emily dickinson or sylvia plath

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?i try to keep anything from getting damaged but other than that i’m only fussy about collector’s items, irreplaceable stuff and vinyls

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?white roses are my favorite flowers but i feel like i’d need something in black. with vines or something badass.

69: what are your favorite board games?it isn’t a board game but i just found this cool card game called timeline. there’s a deck of cards with historical events on them and you have to put them in order of when they happened (dates are on the back). they have different themed packs and you can combine them it’s really cool

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?i should but i don’t. i sometimes make lists or schedules of what i’m going to do but i always end up ignoring it.

75: tell us about your pets!i only have one dog. her name is Chloe Belle we got her when i was eight. my entire family picked the name Chloe but the name Belle was my suggestion. she’s a yellow lab. we also used to have cats (Rainbow and Sunshine) but they died a few years ago. we had them since i was two. before we had Chloe we had another dog named Chelsea but she died. we also used to have my sister’s rabbit named Honey, my hamster named Acorn, and our three hermit crabs (Hermie, Hermietta, and Hermione, yes we were in fact that stupid)

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?they annoy me but i guess they’re not that bad

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.i suck at writing but i’ll tryI’ve only been to the ocean a few times in my life but I’m ok with that. The depth and complexity of the sea is no comparison to whatever is raging inside this girl, and you don’t need to be in love with her to see it. I still can’t decide if her eyes were blue or green but I can promise you they were the exact color of the water that morning at Thunder Rock when we said goodbye. When she smiles at you somehow her eyes get wider and you feel like she’s pulling you into her soul. She really is, but it’s still a trap. You’ll never be able to stand by the shore again without remembering her every word and the way she grabbed your hand and how the particles of sunlight reflected equally of the water and through her eyes. She was a source of light herself and when she finally noticed she left to irradiate the life of someone who deserves it, taking that intensity with her.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?hells yeah i want so many tattoos. the first one i’m going to get is the thing frank drew for me at the show last week. i’m doing that one really soon because i’d like to be able to show him when i see him in april. i also want to get a constellation on my left wrist, i’m thinking the pleiades. i have a vague design for an mcr tattoo in progress, involving a compass and the lyrics “nothing you can say can stop me going home”. i also kinda want to get fall out boy lyrics “mummified my teenage dreams no it’s nothing wrong with me the kids are all wrong the story’s all of heavy metal broke my heart” tattooed on the back of my left shoulder. also idk how safe it is but i kinda want a metallic gold bird wing tattooed on my entire right side but i’ve hear metallic tattooes are dangerous. when i get top surgery i’m going to design something to cover the scars. also i want a spiderweb on the right side of my neck (not sure if i want a spider in it or not) and on my right hand and forearm (just the back) i want the human skeletal system as it actually appears in my body, in greyscale. the last two i’m not getting unless the musician career works out because i need to be able to get a real job. also if i ever end up getting married i want the date of my wedding tattooed on the inside of my right wrist in roman numerals. i will probably add many more but that’s all i’ve thought out so far

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Pan’s Labyrinth, Mad Max: Fury Road, Gone Girl

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.NYC is anyone at all surprised? sadly i have never lived there but it has always felt like home even since i was too young to have any concept of that. especially at night in the snow. walking through central park on a winter evening is a profound experience. also there’s just so much there!! so much culture and so many people something is always happening. i know beyond any doubt that that’s where i belong

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?since i got my hair cut short i can’t really do different styles. right now it’s buzzed on one side and a few inches long (but uneven) on the other. it just sits like that. i want to grow out the long side so that it’s chin length and leave the short side buzzed but i don’t think i have the patience.

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?hardcore procrastinate

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.twin skeletons, you’re crashing but you’re no wave and headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet by fall out boy. ghost of you, the world is ugly, the light behind your eyes, the only hope for me is you, mama and all of i brought you my bullets you brought me your love by mcr. holy, eyelids, and fire by pvris. the wasp, dead as fuck, abigail, eternally yours and immaculate misconception by motionless in white. paralytic states and dead rats by against me! therapy, a love like war, satellites, cinderblock garden and painting flowers by all time low. wrecking ball and little pistol by mother mother. oceans, world destroyer, all i want is nothing, and where do we belong? anywhere but here by frank iero and the whatever the fuck he’s calling it now.

also my apologies for going into way too much detail about most of this i know no one cares but i had nothing else to doand thank you so much for asking!!!!!!

#long post //#food mention //#hungrylikethewolf

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