#theres so much on my mind and i cant wait for january because it can all reset for a second
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Open Journal Entry - New Years (2023)
okay so i canNOT be coherent but fuck theres a lot on my mind right now.
this year was the worst fucking year of my life- it's atLEAST in the top 3.
We faced near-homelessness, awful food insecurity, the death of two beloved pets, the death of our abuser, of 20+ years, after he had only been out of our lives for two/three years at that point, and he did it to himself.
Our car broke down, our debt got worse, our abuser's family tried to take out home from us, they were such cunts. We had been trying to sell our house all year, we didn't succeed until a month ago.
I lost my first ever cat and it still hurts that she might be here right now if we had only had more money saved. She had a great life but I wasn't ready to let go of her, and I don't think losing BK will ever stop hurting. I miss her sweet little face so much. I miss her sweet little chirps and her silliness and just her presence so fucking much. it's agonizing. I miss her.
This year was one in four awful fucking years.
I don't know if 2023 was worse than 2022 for me. They feel like the same year. It was fucking awful.
But.
Last december, I forced myself to reach out. I made myself make a little "hey does this fandom have any guilds or discord servers for/by gw2blr?" post before I went to sleep for the night.
I made myself reach out right before I had to sleep so that I couldn't panic and take it back.
It was one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself.
I made my first ever friends from that decision. In fact the person (hi silv ily silv (/platonic)) who invited me to the gw2 server I hold so dear (hi slei ily slei and stuu ily stu /platonic kissy ur forehead) Is one of my closest friends now.
I have, a lot of issues. with trust and self-love and self-worth and I still struggle so much with thinking im not good enough and that everyone will find someone better etc etc I've made insanely good progress AND i have never before had people in my life that I feel like I know I can trust with myself. i am staring directly at my good friends Silvesi and Wynn/Straywyvern. shoutout to you to Specifically.
AND
im throwing affection directly at all of my friends. sorry im just like this not sorry receive affection for the new year CUNTS-
I absolutely love talking with Silv & Wynn & Del, you motherfuckers understand me on a very specific and unique autistic level ily and i love talking to you and infodumping to you and shitposting with you etc etc we need to be more insane with eachother more often beloved friends etc etc my besties <3
I've met so many people who while im not as close with them I love and am so fucking happy i met them and got to be friends with them regardless. lieflet, stu, slei, mabi, dot, lynx, fox oh my god theres so many of you.
youre so creative, kind, fun, chill, I feel safe with you and I love being stupid with you and im so glad I met the lot of you.
I've met so many fucking artists I admire so much through slei's gw2 server and that server is so relaxed and fun and chill I miss being able to hang out with you all in game. "your idols are your peers" lives in my head rent free as quote because its so true and I love. I Love.
im rlly hoping this next year my dad and I can fucking relax. for TWO minutes. oh my god.
I miss being able to relac. I miss feeling safe. I miss, so much. But not the last four years, and not that shit house I grew up in.
What I look forward to is pestering my besties more and more as I become more and more confident in myself and what others seem to see in me. I can't see it, but I'm gonna try and trust the words you say to me more and more.
Even if I end up being right, my worst fears come true, eventually. I'm gonna put in the effort like this is "forever" because we deserve to try the best for ourselves Right Now.
here's to the new year At The Very Least not getting WORSE.
#creativelyrottedmind#rotthoughts#theres some negative stuff in here and heavier mentions#pet death#abuse#theres so much on my mind and i cant wait for january because it can all reset for a second
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just going over this whole past year, you know how it is
self harm and family death below so that gives you an idea of how its gone i guess
so january started on a nice high, i felt better than i had in a long time and then one week into january it took a complete nosedive to the lowest id felt in years. like i went from starting to talk and managing to push myself to do some stuff i wanted to/would be good for me to wanting to self harm for the first time in seven years. i was sat at work completely dissociated and got jolted out of it by an extremely vivid image of blood pouring out of my arm.
it was a double edged sword because it pushed me to finally reduce my hours at work which i really needed but like it meant i was doing real bad which really fucking sucked with how id been doing the past month. it was agreed with my boss that id start my reduced hours in april so we wouldnt have to mess around with annual leave calculation bullshit and just knowing it was coming helped but i was definitely pretty out of it for those months.
march rolls around, i have a week and a half booked off. im gonna decide on some things i want to do with my extra time after i recover mentally and then my grandmother is in hospital with some dark spot on her bladder and the care home she was in cant look after her anymore and she may have contracted covid in the hospital but its fine she didnt then michael tells me theres gonna be a band 4 coming up in pathology IT but i cant process that right now but its there in the back of my mind constantly then she gets bounced around a few care homes then shes back in hospital then it settles and shes in a care home 5 minutes away from our house but i still havent seen her in like a year and a half at this point and im wracked with guilt because what do i remember about her really? not much it feels like, i worry if shed even recognise me, what would i even say to her? but it doesnt matter because visitors are still limited and id rather my mum and aunties see her cause theyd get more out of it
then its april and my mum just snaps under her own job, i have this extra time at home but i gotta walk on eggshells cause march happened and now this and i have no idea how shes doing mentally because this family is so emotionally repressed so i just hide in my room, basically feeling kinda catatonic and just straight up lying at work like 'yeah its great!'
then may comes around and i do actually start to recover. the band 4 jobs still in the background of my mind but nothing mores been said about it but i cant not think about it. the time goes by so much faster than you think it would but i start drawing again. small canvas size just sketches nothing fancy at all just a minimum something once a week no pressure its okay
june is much the same, the plan had been recover mentally then start applying for jobs elsewhere but then the band 4 was there looming so the plan became wait and see what comes of that, i dont manage to get back to where i was at this time last year but i do my best to not hold it against myself, im getting better thats what matters
july. the band 4 goes up its all thats in my brain. i want to recind my application so i can stop worrying about it. i get the job its full time and day time hours as opposed to the 12-8 ive been doing for years but its too good an opportunity for me to pass up. its means i can get on paper IT experience
august comes around and im due to start my new job on the 8th. its the 7th i go downstairs see my mum and ask her how its going. my grandmother is dead. i start my new job and i say nothing about that, its a struggle though i dont show it im shown a few things but theyre done quickly and easy to stay on top of, i only know one person in this room, my desk is the first one you see when you come into the room so im on edge every time the door opens, i dont want to be doing this right now but sitting at home wont do me any good either so i bear it silently, the funeral is the 26th, i only mention this to my new boss because i need the day off, theres a moment of pity that i cant really deal with. i hate being pitied i know people mean well by it but it makes me bristle. its the 26th my mum starts crying as we get to the crematorium shes gripping my hand tightly and i wont let her go either, i sit there and feel the guilt about not remembering but then my great uncle starts to read her eulogy and its like 'oh. there you are. i do remember you. i remember so much of you' and then im crying too
september and october i mostly just continue to adjust to how things are, this new normal, the new job is good, my new boss is kind, i want to cry
november, the birthday month, the start of self reflection. what do i want out of life, how can i get it, who do i want to be. i never really know, i remind myself that this year has been a struggle and i do my best to be kind to myself, its birthday week and ive kept up the weekly sketching for 6 months now, i only missed one week and i dont feel bad about it. a band 5 has gone up in pathology IT, explicitly for me
its december and its come around so fucking fast, its over already. i get the band 5 we have a nice christmas. i survive. this year had such extreme highs and lows and i honestly have no idea how to like rank this year
i have come to the unfortunate conclusion that working in pathology IT will be temporary, my boss is set to retire july this year, working full time takes too much out of me so i dont have the energy to do things that i want, i miss my hours of 12-8. the plan was always stick it out for a year and see where im at but the hope was that id stay. maybe im not done adjusting but thats for the eden of june to decide.
thank you for reading i love you i hope things go well for you be kind to yourself - eden :] <3
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a long , long time
Weekly challenge
@donutloverxo
@captain-rogers-beard
hasn't been read through so please ignore the mistakes please
this is sorta a continued of ROSE , but can be read by its self
How ?
How can you do this ? How are you going to keep going ? Why did he do this ? Why leave you ? Why leave his daughter ? why her , why is it always her ?
you dont know how your going to do this ,you dont know how your gonna cop being a single parent , you dont know how you are going to do it alone ,. More importantly how are you going to get over him ?
How are you ever going to get over Steve Rogers ?
one thing is for sure , you have to for the sake of your daughter . Even though you will never love another , because Steve no matter what will always be your first and only love and that why it hurts so much .But you need to at least be strong for your daughter , she just lost her father.
Time , time is all you need .
===================================
it was a random Sunday , at a random park where Steve sat , He knows that he has just when back to ever one , but he hasn't showed his face yet. He looked around the park as the tree rustle against the wind as the odd person or two passes by . At this moment he feels peace .He had lived a beautiful life , with the women he truly loves and he wouldn't change .A life with Peggy , a life in his time was everything Steve wanted and got .
But for him the last 8 years or so haven't been easy , with old age playing effect on him ,the snap and the death of his love he was mostly been by himself . leaving him more time to think about them , her , you , his daughter . wonder what it would be like if he stay , how you are , did you meet some one else ? the thought sickens steve your his wife ... wait was his wife and what about his daughter he doesn't want another man raiser her .But what thats what it like now he made his choice and no matter what life he picked , it would always be filled with what ifs / and questions , theory on how he life would of went .
He buried the memory of you and his daughter for so long , Peggy never knew he had a daughter or a wife . His other children never know that there have a sister who is the same age as their grandchildren . He never thought about you , not untill it came to the years where he knew some place in the world right now , you and his younger self where together , meeting , working , dating , married , a child all together . And now your by your self .
on the days like when he asked you to marry him , got married he thought about you all day , was so so temper to go and see you and him self , but it was to risky . he remember everything , every detail to your hair , dress , your shocked face when he got on his knee . the small tear that rolled down your cheek where saying your “i dos “ . He would sit there on those days buying a single rose and drawing you.
even on the day you were born you never left his mind , he find it quiet funny and sad on that day , thinking this is the day his wife was born , but also all the pain that was to come your way , that he couldnt do anyhing about
But htere were days like the 7th of January 2020 were he couldn't just sit there by himself with his thoughts . He made his way to a random hospital in Brooklyn . He sat outside on a bench for hours , people would pass by ask if was okay an odd nurse or too would come up and ask if he was a patience . unknowingly to them his daughter , his eldest , yet youngest chronologically was being born . He sat there for hours thinking and remembering , the first time he holded her , her first steps , the annoyed look on your face when her first word was “pa “ , he remember how happy he was , he swears he never smiled so wide so happy , spinning his daughter around promising her the world because she said dad first . He chucked at the memory . He left sortly after not getting a glance at you or his daughter since he could risk seeing his self .
that was roughly three years ago and on that day every year he would celebrate in one why . he would also send her a gift which he knows he should but he couldn't stop him self .
Now he sits here on this bench, knowing soon he will have to see everyone well at least Bruce and Bucky to tell them not his okay an nothing went wrong . He was so lost in his thoughts he didnt notice the little girl run passed and trip over a rock right in frount of him
the girl had pushed her hands ifrount of her to try and save her self and let out a little cry . Steve got up the fastest her could , he reach of her hand and helped her up , while looking around to see if there was anyone running after her , not yet anyway .
the little girl was now up on her feet , with small sniffles . Her hair was long and blonde covering her face in all different direction . Her little hands trying to push her hair out of her face . Steve kneeled down to help her .
“ are you ok....”
he stop , his old heart began to beat face , his eyes wide
“ Sarah ?”
the sight of his daughter broke him , he didnt realise how much he missed her , his first child , the one he promise to always be around .
“ hmm “ was the onlt thing that came out of her . she glanced up to meet steves eyes . Blue meet blue , the same blue
Hers widen , in shook , she looked like she was about to cry .
“ h ... how do yo. you know ..my ..n..name “ she coked on every word , taking her time .
Steve was silent he didn't know what to say , the fact that his daughter that he left behind was right infrount of him.
her mouth only widen as she brought her tiny hand up towards steve face and pointed at his teary eyes .
“ y.. you ... you stole my daddy's eyes “ her little face scrunched up angerly
he slighlt chuckled shaking his head “ n..no i didnt blue “
her hand quickly wet to her side at the name
“wh... onli daddy cowlds me t..hat “
“ i.. i know “ his tears now fully streaming downs his eyes .
“how?” she asked quickly
“be..because ..” he truly didnt know what to say
“ your my daddy ?”
he forget how smart she was , she may only be three but even Tony said shell grew up to be a genius and has the smartest around about an 8 year old the least time there checked
he nodded his head in relief , the little girl only seem to grow anger as she place her hand on his cheek .
“liar .. my daddy is young .... my daddy will hurt you .... my daddy is c.cap .. amwerica he .. does good ..and doesn't liek liars “ but then she paused for a moment her eyes grew red and her lip trembled “b...but his a li..liar ... he l...my daddy ..left me “
and with that she fell to the ground with aloud sob , and Steve went with her , both crying on the floor
“ h..”
“mm im sorry blue ...but i am your .. daddy ?” he knows he shouldn't but he couldn't help it his little girl right there crying over him , his heart is breaking and dying
“how could i ever leave her ? “but he did
“ho.. how ?” you looked up
he stay silent how do you tell you daughter you left her and her mother to grow old with some one else.
“ how do i know your .. not lying ?”he glared at him . the same expression she shares with you , he let out a small chuckled , his daughter asking all the right question , she she so much like you .
“ i call .. you blue be..because we both .. have blue eyes “ a small smile placed on his lips , at the memory of finding the perfect nickname of his daughter .
she just nodded in agreement staring him down . he smile shiftig on his bony knees .
“ yo.. your first word was pa ... your birthday is 7th of January , you cant go to sleep with out piggy .. yo..you favoit food is cookie .. double double chocolate chips that antie nat makes .... you love that silly little show that .. “
“the song “ she cut him off
“what ?” he titled his head
“ if you are really my daddy .. you know the song “ her eyes soften almost coming to terms that he is her father
he paused for a mintes , cold tears falling from his eyes , every memory , everytime he song her to sleep with the song , the song that was your and his first dance together as husband and wife
“it ... its” he could trust his own words , his voice he was so emotional he was sure hes old fragil body would give away .
“ its .. its been a . long .. long time “ he closer his eyes in a temper to clear his vision as he sung the melody
“never thought that you would be standing here so close to me ,
theres so much i feel that i should say
but words can wait untill some other day
kiss me once the kiss me twist
then kiss me one again
its been a long long time
haven't felt like this my dear
since cant remember when
you'll never know how many dreams
iv dreamed about you
or just how empty there seem with out you
so kiss me once then kiss me twist
then kiss me once again “
he paushed on ever word , every line , a thousand memory and emotions , him meaning every word as he looked into the yes of his daughter , that he had missed so much , the same blue eys he shared . The ones that have grown to accept that he is her father , her papa , her daddy .
with both teary eyes ,cold stinging cheeks against the hash wind on he ground of a random park , on a random Sunday , there finish the song together meaning very word , as father and daughter
“its been a long , long time “
#captain america#steve rogers#steve x reader#steve x daughter#steve rogers x y/n#steve rogers x reader#captain america x reader
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ik i talked a lot abt this last year so its going under a readmore i just need to vent because im frustrated and scared
so i got a double lung infection + pneumonia in one lung last september and after getting out of the hospital my lungs just arent the same.
i had bad lungs my whole life and asthma in my childhood but never ever anywhere near the extent i wheeze and NEED inhalers now. and theyre just telling me its asthma and i literally cannot wrap my mind around suddenly developing one of the worst cases of asthma i have personally seen anyone have
no matter how much inhaler i do or how long i wait or if im caught up on my steroid inhaler or not im still constantly coughing and wheezing
part of me is so paranoid the mystery illness i got march of 2020 after a convention was covid but theres no way to know now and why didnt it then start fucking me up until july/august. of i had scar tissue on my lungs they WOULD have seen it in the extensive testing i got
i just. it feels really hopeless lol. i cant exercise i can barely go up a single flight of stairs to get to my apartment, im waking up in the middle of the night choking because i cant breathe
and in january im going to lose my insurance because im turning 26. my steroid inhaler only lasts 2 months and its $600 a refill
i like genuinely dont know what to do and i havent felt this hopeless about my physical health since i lost 70 pounds in 5 months in 2017 and at least then i looked hot
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Hiiii, Cookie :) I wanted to give you a fast reply since I'm online and free now, so yeah (BUT DONT WORRY, YOU CAN SEND ME YOUR RESPONSE TOMORROW!)
It was a pretty stressful day indeed. A lot happened :// but thankfully it's all resolved :') how was your day, did anything interesting happen?
AHH these days I do try to make tea for myself every morning, so I hope that's something, tho I don't usually eat. But I really will start.
I really hope so!! My teacher told us we might have a mock debate when school starts, and I really cannot wait >.< 사랑해, 시로... (That's “I love you, Shiro” in Korean)
of course. It would be my honour to cheer you up if you were ever feeling down 💖💖💖✨✨
that's a really good idea!! My favourite go-to snack are actually cookies and milk... I'm like Kageyama (tho personality-wise, I'm oikawa. I think. Wby?), I just really love milk, and cookies go along well with it so yeah 😣😣✨ I see! Yeah, your love for cheese is the most adorable thing ever, I love cheese too, tho probably not as much as you 😝 but I mean oop cheese and milk are both dairy soooo—
I'd also like to ask you, favourite animal? Mine's cats and snakes (which are a pretty odd pair tbh) but cats are just SO CUTE and I love them, and snakes are just SO COOL, and I also love them 😭😳💖
thank you for reminding me, cookie :> I'll certainly remember not to overwork myself. And a books event?? That actually sounds so cool please tell me about it. Was it like a book fair, or a book review thing?? I'm glad you don't mind me talking about it. yeah... My club is pretty important to me, since my members voted me as president in January, and I really don't wanna let them down...
You're really precious to me, Shiro, and I really really love you, so much. It's okay if you can't express it, because honestly, I can't either, and "I love you" doesn't seem to be enough, but I really appreciate you :) gonna sleep soon, hope you're sleeping too <3
—Ari
Hey hey!! I was actually having a hard time falling asleep, thankfully its holidays tomorrow (it's the Independence Day for us, hehe) so I can sleep in~
I'm really glad its resolved now, I'm really proud of you for doing all that work <33 nothing really interesting happened to me, except I had called up my friend and we decided to make a fan-haikyuu team because we're weebs like that xD
That's really nice to hear, tbh I cant function without a cup of tea or coffee in the morning... literally, I have a terrible headache if I dont have breakfast -u-
Ohhh that sounds so fun!! Good luck if it does happen:D 愛します、ありちゃん~！！
Ohhh!!! Cookies and milk are wonderful, too!! Sadly I dont get to have those +cereal a lot since we buy small cartons of milk (probably the size of one's palm) and we only use it for tea😩 personality-wise I'm a mix between Tsukki and Yamaguchi, with a hint of Kuroo and Oikawa here and there XD tbh sometimes I dont understand my personality, and it was pretty hard to take the MBTI test, hehe
Ahhh imglad you find it adorable lmaooo, I try to add cheese EVERYWHERE so that's why I love making quiches, cuz that's like the easiest way to sneak a lot of cheese into something XD mom doesn't really like it when i use a lot of cheese, probs because it's kind of expensive, so I get that. Still, even that doesnt stop me from devouring a whole block of cheese in 3 seconds, you know?
My favorite animal... probably birds, frogs and toads. I really dont know why. Mom got a parrot for my birthday when I turned 13, and I loved it so much it turned into an addiction😭 then I was getting frog pictures in my insta feed and started interacting with them, which lead to more frog pics and more love for them to grow:D But, to be honest, I like all the animals. They're all so cute, majestic and yet funny, somehow?? And theres so many different kinds and species and they're all so beautiful~
You better do, or I'll break into your house and babysit you<3
It was like, a reading event, where we count pages we read throughout the week, and the one to read the most wins a prize. Sadly, you cant choose the book you want to read as they chose those and created an app with those books only:( then we had an exam, to ensure we actually read those and didnt just add 20 pages in a day. It was pretty fun to watch my classmates ask each other for the answers, because they did indeed add 20 pages in a day without reading the books. Amateurs🤪
I really feel what you mean, when people choose you it's like ... a huge relief and a gigantic amount of pressure at the same time. Please remember that not everything has to turn out perfect, so dont give yourself a burnout because of that or something!! Take care♡♡♡
And, before we go to sleep, I just wanna say that if you were an element, you’d be Francium, because you’re the most attractive😝
Good night!! I love you a lot❤❤❤❤ I hope you sleep well<33
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how do you go about commissioning someone? i want to but i hear a lot of bad stuff every so often and ive seen you mention certain artists being behind on contact so im not sure what to expect
quite frankly commissioning someone is absolutely terrifying and needs to have a high level of communication from both the person you are commissioning as well as yourself. the one major artist i have said something about and to, turns out, have had a long history of disappearing for months at a time or not being good and running off with money. found out that after i finally got something from one of them, but the other who i’ve been waiting since january on a response from... im emailing every second week and @ ing on twitter constantly by this point considering it was an upfront payment. and like i said about the first one... if commissions are your primary source of income... there is a level of expectation. i know from social media the second one has been involved in a lot of public work and whatnot, which i do support, but all i need is one email to be like “hey sorry im busy with other work”. some people don’t tell you that. or you find out through their tumblr their laptop is broken. it can be very frustrating. or they run donation and commission sale posts in between not doing your commission. so...
and as for you the person commissioning i think people vastly underestimate what you need to provide vs what ppl actually do provide. if you have some specific pose in mind provide photo refs/explain it. you dont need to do a characters backstory, 3 pages, no line breaks. summarise. clear cut on colours and clothing. and if you leave it up to interpretation then you’re gonna end up with something you may have to be like hey sorry lets correct this, which wastes time and effort and money on everyone’s behalf. like spend time going through god like pinterest or whatever to actually source what it is you are looking for. you’d be amazed that people rly to appreciate it, and also esp when artists run limited spots, the ones that are actually providing references and so on are the ones that do get picked because it makes it easier to then provide a higher quality product. its not about remembering urls and favouritism that some people like to claim, its so that they can spend more time on something for you.
that said, commissioning someone and seeing something you have in mind come to life is brilliant. personally i do have a preference for commissioning friends, because well 1) communication (sophia is so good for it), 2) its so funny dropping into the dms like kicking down their door and throwing money at them to draw something for you (something i do to hoiist and daisy regularly) and 3) idk love and support friends!!! (always all of them) also with friends too i do ask people if theyre trying something out like animations, new painting style, etc. if they wanna test on my comm i dont mind because in some instances it also helps them like work out if they wanna use it as an offer on a comm yknow?
when it comes to artists (or writers in some instances) that you dont personally know, if i cant exactly find the information on their tumblr (which happens quite rarely but does happen) i just ask. what do they need. what do they want. also turnaround time. there are people out there with art/writing styles that you do adore, or something specific theyve done in the past you want to almost have recreated for yourself. talk to them! ask if they’re okay redoing like idk a deconstructed helmet or a watercolour tarot card or a 3k word third pov fic revolving around reconnecting 5yrs later (plummmmm). but like too ask about payments, if you can potentially do half and half (a lot of artists are honestly open to this but you just have to ask), what are their routines like with providing sketches and changes (most tend to have information available on their tumblr but... still), etc etc. and dont be surprised if you ask for some heavy tattooing and jewellery and flowers that the price goes up? ive seen people be genuinely shocked like youre asking for heavy detail... hello.... but communication is key and its also on you to ask and tell the things you want and need.
as for writing commissions, personally, kind of almost in the same boat? if theres a particular scene, a visual reference helps to be like a guiding key to get to that point, but also specific words, like talking about hands, the colour purple. personally too with writing comms i have done, i do sometimes go and search for like oc tags for more visual stuff and then translate it to text. some of my favourite pieces have been exchanges more than commissions, with crashed-down through the dragon age pieces we’ve done, and utilising the tags there. also like i ask if you want the pov to follow someone specific, do you want first, second or third, any particular time of day, etc etc etc. like this does affect tone and flow. also with mine i offer snippets as i move through to see if the phrasing is right, am i doing something appropriate to the character/s, as with art you have the. pose and emotion in one position as such yknow? with writing its a movement and kind of links through it all. if like one sentence is off, the tone could be wrong, and changes everything.
also, if something is out of your price range, i have seen an upswing in people asking that just let someone know. inquire, work it out, but if its too much just politely turn it down. yes, emails get lost and tumblr is notorious for not flagging messages so there can be unintentional ghosting but yeah i think thats a good habit to get into.
tldr; dont be afraid to commission people, seriously, its very rewarding for everyone around. be polite, ask questions, keep on top of the communication. dont be an asshole, be clear about what youre after, be kind, enjoy
#replies#got long so under a cut#but yeeee hope that helps#ive commissioned a lot more in the last two yrs than i have before#like got over my fear of commissioning after having a few bad ones during 2015/16 period#and its been overall rly good like#you also find that one artist you keep going back to#like xla-hainex is someone i always recommend love maria#and also like take into account if someone runs like kofi commissions#and u cant afford their bigger pieces#theres no shame in doing kofi ones#its how i commissioned vika a few times#Anonymous
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hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode
ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway
this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it
this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!
today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels
for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD
and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today
it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me
like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!!
and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired
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Tryna by Cancer moon
Before Young T went to bed he poured a glass of water and looked out the kitchen window to his backyard and noted how the snow made 3:00 A.M. look like 6:00 P.M.. Only difference being that if he stepped outside with his glass of water to the seeming twilight he wouldn’t be able to hear the rush-hour traffic like he usually could if it was Friday and 6:00 P.M.. Young T didn’t bother going outside because the snow was still falling a little and it’d be there when he woke up. And the neighborhood would still be silent, as it always was.
Young T woke up and his fan was still humming its white noise which he needed to sleep at night even though it was January and his dad was reluctant to leave the heat on over night. The small fan sat on his dresser and was pointed away from his bed towards his window which emitted a sharper and more blinding afternoon light than what he was used to. He checked his phone for the time, it was about noon - about the time where his parents bedroom door would open and their TV would blast the local news and his persian cat, Jo Jo, would meow at his door from which would force him out of bed to open the door so Jo Jo could jump up on his bed to sleep on his pillow from which he would either start his day or keep doing nothing. This time he laid back down, idly on his bed, with the covers pulled over his head to lessen the effects of his slight cat allergy. Jo Jo had a flat face and was grey and fat, and he occupied the entire pillow. Young T thought of how he wanted to trade lives with Jo Jo.
Young T couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he looked at his phone. He bireifly looked at worldstarhiphop, Twitter, then Instagram.
Then he went to bed with a head ache and woke up in college.
9/27/17 wednesday
Tycho: excuse me, hey, getting along just fine, I see?
Yolandra: hey, and yeah, sort of, just studying, whats going on with you
T: Nothing, the usual, i guess, being responsible, trying not to offend anyone.
Y: Oh but you're so innocent. If anyone's offended its on them, not you.
T: But my presence alone, I dont know, like I'm out of place or something. And I just want to tell people,
Yeah, so, I know how strange it is, me being here and all.
Y: You're a free spirit amongst prisoners. That was my favorite part about getting to know you.
Tycho: After all these years, not for a second did i think you were right for me. And thats why i liked you. Cus I'm crazy.
Yolandra: thats okay? what do you mean?, i want to get inside your head again.
T: [pause] Most people wouldnt understand.
Y: Don't be too cool for school. Im not most people. If I knew what was good for me, I'd have cut ties with you a long time ago. But im a crazy bitch too. Havent you realized?
T: Yes. Youre highly psychic when it comes to "free spirits" like me - and you, though maybe, "lost soul" would be a better term for me. Though I dont mind being lost. It keeps things interesting.
Anyway, you should spend your energy on solving world hunger than worrying about me.
Y: dont be so difficult. catching vibes isnt easy you know? coming for your type. Who knows, maybe youre worth it.
Tycho: well, your the first to try me like this. im mysterious for a reason.
Yolandra: And do you know why exactly?
T: Thats for me to decide.
Y: It's so damn frustrating. But I guess some things are better left unsaid.
T: Most people wouldnt understand that, what youre saying. Indescribable feelings we know happened but fall short in explaining. That sort of thing.
Y: I call those. "You had to be there" moments.
Tycho: Honestly i never gave up on you, only myself, thinking you were different from my dream girl.
it took months for me to realize that but when i did the only thing i wanted to do was forget i ever met you.
Yolandra: than what?
T: the rest of these simple people that surround us, they see in a way thats opposite of what i am.
Y: how convenient it must be. to blame your problems on people you dont even know. and just say "fuck it." I envy you.
T: just my luck haha. of being born into myself, my personality forgive me, i dont mean to be such a downer. thats my ego talking
Y: you had to be there
T: where?
Y: in my memories.
T: it matters that much to you?
Y: if I could find you in a crowd, just to say something, anything, even if i have to scream it in your ear, then you'd know how much it means to me.
Tycho: I'll be waiting for you to say hola.
9/30/17 saturday
In the midst of an obnoxious trap beat I remember what my grandpa used to tell me.
It's the harsh realities of life that stick with us the most. A dream is only a dream until you make it come true.
Never hit a women no exceptions." He would say to a 7 year old me. Now I wish I had the balls back then to tell him that his strict army ass
probably never had a dream that went beyond what he already knew. Like revisiting the same shitty cloud of meaningless thoughts
every night till you reincarnate into someone who revisits a slightly less shitty cloud over and over until they become someone like me,
who lives on the cloud everyone strives to be, forgetting those elvish looking folks of the below who never leave the house
except to get groceries. There's comes a point in life where you just gotta be honest with yourself, and say hey, i just dont match the freqeuncy anymore.
It's okay. I can still pretend like that one MGMT song, but im fading away. Fuck.
I get naseous and imagine a cop coming around the corner which kills my vibe for a second
so I take my headphones off, spit on my finger tip, ash the blunt, and walk to my dorm.
I'm in water so muddy that the surface is all I have to cling onto. What lies beneath is my past, housing the memories like demons.
Of course, her face, would be in the middle. Falling more faintly in detail as I wake up sober and go to sleep high and dream nonsense that
somehow doesnt go away like the usual forgotten dream you usually wouldnt give a second thought to otherwise but this morning
my head feels foggy and theres a vague recollection of a search going on but I dont know what
it's for and my chances of knowing diminish as I go deeper into the day.
A search, it's on repeat, like my brain is an actual TV. Thats probably a normal thought to have, though I've never heard it in real words.
"Is my brain a TV." I say to myself.
if you can call it that. but those take the shape of monsters of which, as if I had no choice, I find myself preparing for so when the moment really matters,
I can either go down in a blaze of glory or come out on top like the badass I imagine myself to be.
All I know is that I was born and now I have to live.
Maybe because my past is so glaringly depicted onto a person I refuse to acknowledge. All that shit was a dream.
The only thing that matters is the present, right? Bill Nye the Science Guy would agree with that.
Back in elementary whenever we had a sub for the day, a cart would roll in and thats how you knew.
I watched his show in elementary school, when we had a substitute teacher.
Those were the best days. I had no worries then, able to speak freely with no inhibitions as if duality
had nothing to latch its mechanical claws onto. Wait, I'm thinking about the past again. And thats going way back.
Fuck! Okay.. On your feet soldier! That baby momma drama dont fly out here in the real world.
out here it's the winners and the losers, haves and the have-nots, thats the way it is.
We're here to endure anxiety. I dont care about this slave shit. I think im gonna drop out.
These fucking people bro, I shouldve known better than to come here.
Deep down in the recesses of my highly realized capacity for recognizing everyday objects I'm hearing the voice my computer makes.
It just so happens that I'm a little different from everyone else.
I see things. Feel them.
Some are expressed. Others proccessed. Though most get put away for later. These things I speak of is all they'll
ever be to
Some bad. Some good. But in the end I understand the root cause is nothing and thats where I pretty much exist anyway.
In between any and all things, including people. At least that what it feels like.
So although I may come off as shy and maybe a bit soft to the average layperson I aint no bitch and I wont hesitate to put my body on the line to
make some headway when it comes to cementing my place as a savage demon in the halls of said layperson's memory bank.
Someone who is wise would recognize the virtue of my conviction
It is only because I must prepare for that singular moment,
an unknown point in the fabric of time and space. To where if theyre not careful, a life's worth of energy should be pitted against me as if one were to stand
a chance against the power housed within my vessle.
Theres no such thing as a polite gesture. Nobody asks me
how my day is "going" for no other reason than to relay to me how their own special day is "going".
reckoning between a humble acknowledgement that I can never truly grasp the reason for existing
and therefor should play my part in keeping the peace, versus pure badass in a world of sheep.
And the more I get to know my surroundings, the more I reach erradically for the inherent bliss found within the path of satanism.
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Spmewhere off in the distance, Crermoth sits on a palm tree idly sculpting astral suspensions
into a tattered fervor of mesh for working the keys of ineptitude.
She is oblivious to her surroundings, not caring for chatty and gossip which she cant seperate between her reality and theirs
because she is sensitive and when the the fully recognized sage, Esoh, confronts her about she says she much prefers it that way.
Their balance among them. With the wind at her side, Hojihka refuses the initial preference of her stillness
and moves in a nameless precession by the whim of her ancestral birth right.
"aaa may-ee soo shay-noo"
Her possession wakes up without a name.
a new and more elaborate transposition of jubilee onto each successive indifference. The attention to one area renders the outer confines a
vacuum enveloping the excess span unto both of their liable to taken over like a plain, sole, unconscious will.
It certainly does its job Crermoth and has become something of a plan b pill thats taken during one of her
many unpredictable episodes of self hate and general spiritual torment. One time she told J-Money she was a demon in a matter of factness that
still haunts J-Money in moments when he pretends it doesnt bother him..
Reliant upon the interaction of her world and the next. Crermoth normally prefers being to herself on nights like these,
that way she can answer any calls at a moments notice.
A dimension close enough so that she may assist her friends in earthly manners of which, by the natural law of limitation, those lacking the incessant nobility of
the Orisha cannot be bothered to see to themselves, less the tether between her world and theirs be rendered a useless tattered fervor of mesh that
gives way to any varitable knock of an over arching brood of usurpment of the mundane frequency.
“I need space. I only have but so much light
of see to her calling as a being of light, assisting the pieces of herself that we’re lost during the falling. You remember that don’t you?” She says
“Of course I remember. But only as a matter of fact. Upon closer reflection I fail to see the relevance of a subtle hunch with no bearings in the present.”
I must know that I’m allowed to be straight up with you, else I run the risk of straying from my calling. If there’s anything I hate more than being ignored
its catching myself being lazy to the voices.
“She musn’t veer to far.” Esoh said on a mountain.
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The woman wakes up to look around. Store-bought soil, empty bike-rack, office building.
"Harder. Think harder. Come on girl." She stands for dignity's sake. A car traces a hilltop in the distance.
She raises her cold arms to the sun in defiance of stillness. Nothing is in tune with the nature of her being besides the stale wind of a coming day.
"Where are you?"
The car freezes as it reaches the horizon, but the sound remains on loop. Whirrrrr
A portal manifests abruptly and Elegua arrives on a chariot of skulls.
"Erzulie, madame, how nice it is to see you this early in the morning."
A whisp of fire cleans her face and the car continues over the horizon.
"It really shouldnt be, not like this. Where Im at should tell a lot you know." Erzulie said.
"Quite a dense reply to a longtime friend, dont you think"
"Hmm, considering how I slept in a bush last night and dont remember a thing. I shouldnt need to explain myself."
"No? is the friz on your hair not matching the blood on your knees? I can't tell which." Elegua said. Or is the attitude possessing you as if theres no consequence for ill-manneredness? I cant tell which." So long as one's not so dense up his selfish ass that he aint notice."
"Oh so now all a sudden you about the finer things in life? We can switch places less you miss me. Erzulie said.
Im only pointing out the obvious." Elegua said.
Erzulie replied with silence, forcing life to flash before his eyes. She learned this from her Mother, Darkness.
"Attitude is possessing you. I cant tell why but its a poison I dont deserve. I was only trying to help" He continued.
"I just dont fuck with being called too early. So long as youre not too dense up your ass to take notice, safe to say i'm in some shit right now."
"Clearly. A product of consequence." Elegua said randomly.
"Yeah, recognize. Please, for me, baby?"
"No more testing your patience, Goddess immortal of justice. Save that for what I came to tell you about."
"Take me to cleanliness, saintly promise of wisdom. For im not feeling myself."
They left the scene to the past and pondered on the pyramid they had just made with each other.
"It's nice to be home." Erzulie said.
Flying over the palm trees brought Elegua back to his power.
"On the basis of love." Elegua said.
The salt-water washed away all glimpses of doubt Erzulie had of her beauty. And she harnessed the pastels of the ocean.
Thus, all guilt was abolished and unconditional love was convinced to dance within them.
Drying his body under the rays of Amen reminded Elegua of his first words. Long ago, before Time was born.
"O Father, you are so brilliant."
"Thank you, son. I am the Light"
"Then tell me, Father, if you are the Light, and are so brilliant, then why is it you flee from Darkness?"
"All I do is my purpose, which seeks to balance harmony with creation. Although it is much more complicated than that. Like always I suppose.
I'm afraid you ask me a question that I cannot answer. Here, because you are so curious, I will show you."
"I'm ready, Father."
Light grew brighter causing Elegua to cry in his recollection of what it felt like to say words. The links in his mind straining to pull in the right words.
Not too plain to where the moment would be lost in happen stance, and not too radical so that his manhood could stay irrefutable (to convey meaning.)
Then Light disintegrated into everything and Elegua searched for Light ever since.
So Elegua went to the crossroads, and prodded Darkness for Light's wherabouts,
"I want to relive the the moments before he left for eternity. Where can I find him?"
Without a hug or a kiss, she told him to let go of his experience in order to live in the now, "Take his place and move forward. Grow up, your Daddy's gone cus you never did."
"How could you say that me? I love you, Mom. Yet all I get is hate. Why are you hiding the truth from me?"
"If I don't hate you, then who will? You got so much to learn that my heart breaks into brass. You must leave, understand me? LEAVE, before I do what your Father did and them some.
I'm this close. Believe me."
With nowhere else to go, Elegua obeyed the commands of his Mother. Although lonely at first, the spirits of the dead related to his despair, and offered to guide him
through all the known and unknown realms of Ether, so long as he guided the spirits of the living to his Mother. So that the dead could learn for themselves the origins of their being dead.
And when Light came back, they could say "Father, we know of Hate, now teach us Love." Elegua tried telling them that it was hopeless, that his Father was there, just not in the way they imagined, that they we're actually his Father and they had to realize it through an altered perception.
but that negativity only made them more adament to their cause which annoyed Elegua into a manic spell of existential irony which persisted during times of war with the Snakes on 5th density. One battle in particular Badly wounded, he pulled his chariot with his arms to the middle of a corn-field on a full-moon during the Solstice, it was there he made a pact with his self, to never be ignorant to the fact that fate was an inescapable constant within all contributors to existence.
That the very fabric that distinguishes the dead from the living was comprised of scattered shards of an indestructable essence that attached itself to the spirit-body via fate which is the Father of destiny. That the collective conscious is woven by the thread of Fate, thus binding a common goal, or Destiny, inherent to all beings of both polarities, thus setting in motion the spiral of gnosis, which lends itself to the spreading of keys that open the doors to helping each other fulfill each others Purpose.
"I will collect the pieces of my Father so that I may speak with him again as I did as a child. I will never forget you because I love you. You are everything to me, which is all I ever could be. Please, I want to know why you flee in the face of Darkness."
____10/9/17 monday
My pace quickens as I veer away from the crowd onto the handicap stairs. I silently count my steps to give off a
pensive, non-assuming vibe. Over by the quad theres crows just walking on the grass.
Yet I'm the only one who seems to notice, even from a distance. The busses haul ass down Memorial St.
I've learned to always be on alert because I'll never know
whats waiting for me when I turn my attention off the floor and become reminded of string theory.
Artificial energy, cork boards with grime on the edges, tunnel of dull ends, spongy plywood cielings.
as i step with my head down
and in every so sudden a demarcation in the bricks,
the reptiles answer emails.
This is where I'm going.
Because my soul chose to live here at some point in time
not too long ago considering the relationship between all that the universe has to offer and my general apathy towards said all
as in any and all one.
Which has become quite of
a bore ever since the first week ended I had to come to terms with the reality that friends won't simply fall into my lap
like they would if I wasnt such a masochist for being lonely.
The row of pillars turn to one and all I see is the contentment in the air of the lobby.
In the hallway are casually turned faces which glide about in a linear fashion like the ghost of a lost bride..
I get a side-view of the people afraid to admit that this is far from the paradise we expected it to be.
The brochure in our acceptance letters didn't include the drunken nights of another dimension.
I'm inside the life of an architect. One who's dead by now, but lives on through his work.
I'm not going anywhere, the building would say, if it could talk. And I suppose it can. Because I just had the thought, and nothing
is ever truly wrong without another thought to compare it to. But then if buildings could speak existed first, and was allowed to
grow and find its place in the universe, then it'd be established enough to not warrant an adversary. But the question remains
where, if it existed, was its fate organized before coming into my mind, awaiting my final judgement. Substitute me for a unicellular
collective conscious and it seems like we're all dealers of fate her on
planet earth of the milky way of the universe of the whatever comes next (should we ever know for sure).
he or she deserves all the credit for it manifesting onto the grid of my consciousness, which is a zig zag joint's worth of a high
right now. The perfect amount for not giving a fuck while still staying slick enough for witty comebacks. Which wouldn't hurt right now.
This building isn't going anywhere. Though I wish it would. Because I dread what I'm about to do
How he must have pained to communicate something he could call his own while maintaining a dignified and safe, always safe, because god forgive, well, you know,
, putting the pen to the pad, drawing collumns in front of a Victorian fassad
Succumbing to authority just to eat with a roof over your head and not freeze your ass off like a homeless freak.
Profit margins in the final half of quarter one are lower than 1 standard deviation to what is considered by corporate to be optimal.
As of now, the college has no incentive to ship in product from outside sources. All inventory must be stored in house to the buyer's demand.
You better not be late.
___ On the parking deck
Tycho: “I had a dream I was on an internet forum. Someone posted the words: “life is an endless hell. With a blurry picture of a street at night-time. Not much different from what’s in front of us. I thought that made sense, until I scrolled down, to see a video looking out the windshield of a vintage rolls royce, coasting along a pacific highway. And the lines kept going. Next thing you know I’m falling down a pitch black waterslide, dreading my destination. If I never woke up I have a funny feeling i know where it was leading.
Preacher: In that instance did you feel the need to repent for your sins?
Tycho: No. that didn’t cross my mind. It was too late at that point.
Miranda: “I used to.
T: What made it stop?
Miranda: Seeing all the happy people around me. And knowing that they’ve been through the same shit. Break-ups, Death in the family, just generally feeling lost.
My heart was broken ”
T: Getting over the mind can be a dark place when it has nowhere else to rest. You can train it to think anything.”
Miranda: True
Tycho: Lately Ive been taking these long drives late at night into the boonies. Just to see where I up. I realized theres so many lives I’ll never know about.
If i wasnt born into money maybe I’d be humble enough to hate myself for even thinking such a thing.
How’d you get out of that?
Miranda:
These know it all professors are getting on my nerves. I fear Im crossing into an abyss I’ll never fully understand. Honestly I can’t fuckin stand these people. What name do I have to make for myself that i haven’t already experienced in the depths of my soul?
Tyco: You know how they try to act like they all official and shit, like I won’t see past it.
Miranda: [agreement] They do that.
Tyco: [stream of consciousness] So I just told her look I know its a rule, but I’m all about learning at my own pace and no disrespect i love her but Mrs. Soso can only go so far in telling me how to write. You can give tips and tricks but at the end of the day, I’ve been developed my writing style.. Like I thought we were done with all this high school shit. Well I didnt say that.
M: And what’d she say?
Tyco: She was like “As you get further into your major 90% of your assignments will be in essay format.. we require full participation “ At this im like she gonna hit me with the book like hell nah THEN outta nowhere She said “However, I also believe in 2nd chances.”. On the outside I was cool but inside I was like “*fist bump* yo i cannot fail outta college like someone watchin out for me idk who but-
Chad: fuck that shiiiiit *holds up white rum in front of street light”
Friend in background: 12! 12! 12!
Abrupt scene change. Camera shows Tyco zoned out. Then police car, as Tyco begins to hide behind the tree hes smoking on.
My black hoodie and phone-call to my dealer will still be with me tomorrow as I do the same thing.
(From a dream 10/23)
Tyco is driving around serving with Shantel when she lights her phone up from the passenger seat and puts the phone to her ear.
Shantel: You are not finna be talkin all that mess on my phone. Be honest with yourself. Don’t lie. You a hoe ass bitch.
?? Caller: Why are you even calling me? I dont give a fuck.
Shantel: Wait till I pull up then and slap the shit out you. Would that be better sweety?
?? Caller: I’m at Kawaii’s 30 deep. Bring your lil boyfriend and see what happens.
Shantel: Try me bitch.
[ The economy sedan turns right on red seemingly without breaking. ]
Tyco: 30 deep huh?
Shantel: With them ratchets.
Tyco: She sounds scared as hell aint nobody sticken up for her like that. You know they gonna talk shit right but soon as we throw them hands they gon be like, I dont know that bitch.
Shantel: nah but she stupid tho like not even worth all that extra
Tyco: We’re going. Wheres that nigga house i’ll waze that shit and we get there we just pop off. Aite?
[Not looking at the road, but to her, coasting down an average 2-lane with box neon trimmed tire shops and drive-thru windows governed stately as immovable beasts of mothership stores lurk behind low-sodium trenches of the new world order’s surveillence agenda for mass poplations en masse. ]
Just follow me. I’m walkin in and gonna start a commotion just bussin and you just break this bottle on her mother fuckin head and we out.
Shantel: haaah what okay
Tyco: You’re gonna fuck her shit up som serious.
Shantel: She talk shit about you.
Tyco: It’s in the stars babe for real.
Shantel: You gonna help me find that bitch?
Tyco: You my fucken queen I love you and I got you.
Neighborhood entrance.
Cars parked for miles.
House identified first glance.
Park.
Car doors..
Hip-Hop
Grass.
Walkway.
Steps.
Porch.
Door opens and yellow tops within the frame.
!! WHERE YOU AT// YALL FAKE AND CANT FINESSEE !!
AAAAAH YOU UGLY DARK SKINNED NIGROS
The caller is sitting on a couch ass to ass with other dudes. Looking stupid.
She never saw Shantel. Who came upon her like The Ring.
She has become a party magnet. It is a Slayer concert now. Nobody knows who’s who. Though Tyco is surely getting his ass beat. He catches of glimpse of Shantel’s fat ass ducking through the doorway and he could die right now and it wouldnt matter.
*GUN SHOT*
FUCK GOIN ON HERE MANE
“This not the place for you bro. - White boy comin up here in my place of business - Tryna pop shit off like you really not a bitch”
Kawaii looks up with his glock-9 extendo at his GD party mostly all gone just like that. The poor girl is still leaking.
“She need to go to the hospital.” Her friend says.
He points the glock at his head. Despair.
“Look around before I kill you.” An invitation.
Tycho: “I sold a 4 oz today after my accounting exam. I could be GD, 74, rock purp. whatever it be its nothing but Respect yo. Got connects with chad and Becky nahmean dog. Could put you on to some numbers they white and they fiends. Please OG.
“How much for a zip.”
“80, gas.”
“Was that yo bitch?”
“yea”
Kawaii: You lyin to me?
“No.”
“She eat your ass?”
“Yeah and bounce on my BIG ASS DICK” Tyco says with autism.
K walks away.
T: they don't even sell Molly bruh
K is you fucken high you dummies. Beat this nigga ass.
*Tyco imagines the why the fuck you lyyin vine and remembers the exact moment he realized that wasnt an original song but actually a spin off of a classic throwback jam by the 90s R&B group “Next” in their hit single “Too Close”.. He was driving home from the cafe he used to write high school essays in while smoking a menthol american spirit with the windows rolled down on a spring evening playing KISS 104.1 Atlantas classic jams. Then he realized there was a full 6 minute video of the vine on youtube. After watching it he felt gayer. Thats all it did for him.
Tycho wakes up on living room floor.Terry (random G, on couch): *Hands him note× Kawaii said he's sorry. No hard feelings ya heard dog?
Tyco: I guess thugs act on impulse. *looks at note* and don't count on a gahdamn thing you bitchass motherfuckers.
Tyco walks into class with a black eye. The Professor talks about interest loans. Tyco meets Moe after class in parking lot.
*Moe: Waddup
Tyco: It's lemon og I just got in.
Moe: Bet. Those last cookies you got. Bomb dude. It had them frar mother fuckers leanin like they can't handle that purp like that nahmean.*laughs*
Tyco: I got some backwoods you wanna hotbox.
Moe: Yo I'm down.
10/24/17 thursday
____ Last night I decided not to hate myself. The look I get from them doesnt bother me. Really, its a simple sign from nature that I’m used to by now. A wrong impression can sustain the fog of memory, of which I will be seen from the lens of another dimension, with not a care in the world, an angel in disguise. Thats the crux of my life up to this point. To no longer hate myself. But appear as if I still do. The nameless place in our past with no address., one of which even a frat boy can relate to. This invisible standard that’s thrown us into the pits of despair must be addressed. To seperate the real from the fake. Like the others are sleep walking through class fronting like they dont see me. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my third eye, televising scenes of sleep walkers who stay fronting like they dont see me. Walking behind the parking deck where green dumpsters were with my phone to my ear is a feeling that remains within me until I do the same thing over again in a few days. Buying in bulk never appealed to me. And if a 20 a g was the price thered be nothing my lonely ass could do. Fuck this worthless paper, I tell myself.
I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days.
I’m signalling. Though I havent been approached yet.
Figuring that would resolve the look I give other people. I mean, christ, I turned 18 last March. And spent the Summer in a last ditch effort to secure an identity before I made my plays in college. For too long I’ve avoided the call of the light and in return have gotten blank stares.
(SOMEHOW gets wrapped up into a petty conversation with sorirty girl (on top of parking deck.)
Clarissa: I was the only one alone in the entire party.
Tycho: Why didnt you leave?
T: Dont worry I dont wanna know your major.
C; Good cus it keeps changing.
T: You think you know everything dont you? This world aint nothin babe.
C: Why do you say that?
T: What do you wanna know? That I get money? Thats nothin.
Clarissa drifts off.
Hannah: So Stacy’s telling me the banners weren’t in that right place and we’re like an hour away from starting and we still haven’t even got the chairs in order and barely anyone who was suppose to be here has shown up yet.
Tycho: Where were they?
“Well for one, Candace, I dont know whats her problem lately, but shes been gone because her best-friends now telling her she’s not rushing anymore but thats honestly a relief because that girl wheres winged eyeliner and thinks shes better than us.”
Tycho: Oh, I think I’ve seen that girl at the library or something.
I intuit that in order to justify her reasoning for not liking the winged eyeliner girl, that she channeled my very own resonant storm cloud of which I emit silently in the face of vanity..
H: Well you’ll probably see her there a lot more cus shes definitely not with us.
“Okay so thats one.” I say as if taking notes.
“Then Rachel’s out at some charity event that I never even heard of probably with a guy she’s not telling us about which is so frustrating that of all days you pick friday night at the peak of rush to go be a hoe behind our backs.”
“Did she ever show up to the party?”
“Yeah. And she was fucking drunk.” She said as if surprised but not really because this is Rachel we’re talking about, after all.
“Like wasted orrr “
“Damn I didnt know yall got down like that.”
“Umm when youre stumbling through the door and your first words to all the new girls is hallelujah bitches!
She wasn’t with a guy.
“So tell me more about the party. Like was there”
who nobody knows anyway
is that Cheyenne is just out of it because her friends now telling her she doesnt want to rush anymore and for one its like look,
Wait, who’s hannah?
Hannah’s the leader of her sorority.
Ooooh, Okay, I see why now
-Yeah, I mean if word got around that would literally mean she was going around their backs to cover up that she was lying.
> Right. Yeah I hear what you sayin. She’s trying to make it seem as if it never concerned yall in the first place but if thats the case then she dont need to be acting like she got the right to be trusted.
This goes beyond reputation. Manipulating emotions just cus she has none of her own. Conniving biitch. just to get her way goes beyond reputation.
Aint nobody wanna be around that energy.
> So what you tell her?
I get schizophrenic when it comes accepting new ways of being. The person I made him out to be was the perfect cure for my suffering. All those forgetful nights of boredom I knew what I needed all along, but was to scared to do it myself.
------ Frat house halloween party kidnap scene ----
GD shaman prays to shango for power to go out by mantra. Squad in car repeats the same mantra. The power goes out at 1:00 (or peak of the party).
Tycho throws blue flare through the side of the window
at the Tycho must find Chad and lure him downstairs near the door so the squad can get the keys to the room full cocaine and adderal. After looking everwhere he’s no where to be found. He walks in on a couple having with the girl in missionary with devil ears. “Yo chad that you?” Its
(fuckem x3) Music stops from power so he sneaks in wireless speaker in his robot costume and puts it at one end of the room. Squad member 1 will carry bigger wireless speaker and set it down when he storms in. Tycho also brings a timed strobe light to distract people and keep the illusion of the party still going.
Tycho runs down stairs and towards door with chad chasing him. Squad slaps tape and mask on him and carries like a battering ram although theyve already kicked the door.
*Power turns back on*
“Fuck em, fuck em, nigga get out my section
Don’t want to see him, I don’t want to touch him
*waves zippo lighter in front of face so chad can see him through mask*
“Ima count 3 seconds and your dead on 5 if i dont get this combination” says calmly. thus saiyth the lord thy god”
“Three... No mercy”
“Two.. Shall be given unto those”
*gives code*
“One.”
Love takes many shapes and forms.Tycho never opened up to people, hating himself for being incapable of feeling what others felt. He wanted more so he went spiritual. Which his close friends perceived as going off the deep end."Ayy whatsup bro you tryna smoke?""I have a calc exam tomorrow but I'm down after."Aight good luck on your studying tonight and then kill it tomorrow I know you got this calc is your specialty can't say the same for me but that's why you always tutored me haha."Let me know if you need more help.
Figuring their was no bounds and he could be whatever, even silent, and experience irony rather than fate. How bland, he thought, to have a life plan and nothing to look forward to. Running drugs would be a necessary chain reaction. The highest elixer exceeding the bliss provided by the very weight he'd be pushing, itd be getting off on defying his own life, leaving spirit his only option. And so like a blackbird his soul seeks experience only in the clearest degree of visibility. Swerving transgressions of lonliness to levy the burdens of contrived responsibilities at societies every turn until his flight patterns veer from the trodden path to and fro the calling of reality in which he desires to preside over as a God of many statures. Untainted by works, head first into the entity of the adversary, of which he is able to predict the situational consequence in only a glimpsing moment before havoc ensues and the final hour is upon him, his loose wings coated with astral charcoal of depravity. Be caught slipping once and he loses the jump until the enevitable program takes its course - an unstoppable relationship between fate and reckoning that must be fulfilled as day turns to night. Once that happens he reverts back to being like the rest of them. Yet to the world, now desolated beyond repair, hed still be alive, exuding a calm presence that something is not quite right with him existing without remorse. The truth is simple enough, a hint just ever so slight as to never be able to cross the threshold of utterance, thus becoming rendered a convinction of self delusion on the part of the unknowing accuser, who by this time hates himself for even thinking badly of such a good guy to make peace with. The collage curtails past the illusion of what is already known and at last the watchers take notice and thus regeneration is able to take place along all the land, allowing for new energy to take the throne of anticipation. One that has harnessed the potential to become anything the wonder puts his mind too.
So what if I'm imaginative?
Yolandra: I mean everyone's different in their own way. Like yeah the soroitys have a dress code and all that Starbucks and capris. But I don't know. You just have to get know a person for who they are and not how the outside world perceives them to be.
T: So what'd you first think of me?
Yolandra: Honestly not much anything. You were one of those people who could be anything. But then I overheard you say taurus's are gold diggers and I hated you cus I'm a taurus.
T: Oh sorry I really didn't mean it like that but c'mon now I can tell you have a taste for finer things you bougie little.. Boob. *laugh\ haha "you know what I mean"
It doesn't bother you? What? That so much could go wrong so quickly? Look, deep down he's telling you his heart lies with getting over and you let him because that's /just what you like about him, how deep he gets. cus he's a sad and selfish individual who was never about loving anything other than vanity. The best thing to do would be to trust his actions, intentions aren't what's important right now. Really, forget about the soul connection. Loves comes through all types of people as long as you're open to receiving them. Those energies. Don't lose yourself in the illusion. Without ever taking credit for what truly matters which should be you.
Then your fashion made sense to me.
T: I'm so caught up in myself. I mean, it's impossible to know anything else. I'll never get to stand in your shoes. Its just truth. Yet I'm the bad guy.
You're not like the other people I've met.
T: Yeah I'm kind of loner if you couldn't tell already.
I guess that's a good thing.T: Hey it's okay. I get that a lot... Wait what do you mean you guess?
Ive found that who evers saying does a 180 in their normalcy. Knowing your even here right now is a good thing. Knowing that you're with me even when im not. Don't you think?
Starting out with confidence and ending strong to be lucky if I'm not hurt. Tell me what you want out of this. Sometimes I feel so lame, then I realize how fun itd be to not care. Through the window screen i see parchments and grass blades, this is an image I've sought to ignore for its blandness thinking I was over recognizing such mundane structures. The sunlight made me drunk with non verbal contemplation. I crave this heat when I'm in low spirits. And a breeze when I'm high. My thoughts are channeled from a lonely place (My thoughts come from a lonely place) I've had no choice but to become accustomed to for my own sanity. To work faster and breach that veil of reckonning. So unreachable and enticing at the same time.T
When I'm alone, welcome something more than the past if you ever cared to help me.
This isn't the only world out there. And even if it was the material would eventually reach infinity. Then a black hole would open or something. Don't quote me on that, science is the hottest thing going right now. It cant hurt to butt in unofficially. As long as no one calls you on it. The universe molds to your confidence. That's another story. At the end of the day, I have too much pride to be a scientist. The God they're serving calls for a lot of self sacrifice. A self that ignores emergency when called to speak. A self i'm not prepared to lose. "Why are you here again, nothing will change, you're gonna be quiet like last time" any handle on reality I had during the sun rise flees like an ex girlfriend into the night. I'm not prepared to lose. Anxiety is that humid feeling you get when roughnecking the time away. Jaded peripherals, internet browsing, and fading friends initiate a color spectrum so cruelly vivid in its inability to be shared with the CVS cashier who looked at you wrong because you bought 3 4oz bottles of robitussin. A man who couldnt care to see the streets, stop signs, and traffic lights. Man is a slang term we use when caught in the moment. Of which matrix programming loves to grasp onto.
--- 10/25/17 wednesday
So here I am enjoying a piece of lackluster nothing for the sake of something I've agreed to experience in a past life I can't even remember but somehow must make amends to as if its an actual concrete thing I can touch and make sense out of without caring to ponder how life puts us in these type situations like getting your hair done a new way and meeting a friend of a friend superficially without ever following up like aight word up bro I feel you by the way hows life and what's the special fact I should become one with in this moment while not thinking too much in to things or else id be alone as if we're not alive under the stars for any other reason than to be happy but still to me that becomes too much like a flash in time rather than something meaningful because then sex would have to be our purpose for being here but you and I both know it's more complicated than that so we look into it via memories and realize the journey was brighter than the reward as in I don't remember the actual sex part but rather the day as a whole with stained glass sprinkled in on a film reel to push the past into something real and unexplainably alluring to the self of which we projected this light onto in order to perhaps know in advance maybe how to repeat this metaphysical phenomenon for a second time because we're not quite there yet although at this rate if seems that to finally reach a state of thereness would mean we wouldn't be able to be here right now having this conversation like a building block struck from below or a house of cards we have to keep faith that every moment plays its part because we had an emotion for it and therefore couldn't be rendered to nothing in a wreckless attempt force it all together rather let each tile compliment it's neighbor and bypass the need for destruction by allowing enough caring energy to flow through that filter mechanism within you that deems lifes moments as worth remembering or forgetting and pretend you never heard about forgetting and avoid it like the plague because everything that ever was is depending on you to go forth into righteous so that gods original intention for letting go of unwanted baggage be synthesized within your vessel of upgrades intelligence so that the journey can still be appreciated only this time without th deceptive veil of the end.
to question the little things that somehow don't mean much but at the same time appear to us daily as conduits for good fortune and thats what we must uphold
___ 11/2/17 thursday
I you and me playcated on a surface of stones that match our longing to search in the wrong places. Convenient are we done such a conceivable time that is time which is also time because what more can be said other than us winding down a fire escape to an inexplicable hatch sitting like paper mache on our transformative spiritual natures. Gone already but not forgotten just make sure to take the negative side of every situation involving 1 or more parties so as to make sure the rythym is in order because you can't go wrong with challenging the status quo of an area you're not suppose to be in even if that seems too easy and superficial it's the right choice because even the idea of rebellion as a bad thing must be able to project into a physical thing prompt for examination so secrets may be revealed. Wouldn't you know i stopped believing in faith due to its redundancy of chasing metaphysical strings too far out for us to put into words and isn't that the source of all our angst. Depraved of propositional phrases and elemental tables it's all so clear to me now. Casandra had a bag and Mikey had his sneakers in the forefront like a low hanging fruit but of course they had personalities that weren't so easy to see unless the hard work of interfacing came into the equation. Lets judge people based on judging for the sake of basing ourselves onto something not within our realm of reality. Perception is a hard question i think maybe inanimate objects could tell us a thing or two. Low pressure sodium lamps.Documentorial lecture hall amps failing to reach the end of the pyramid turned 90 degrees away from its focal point. May disease not reach our unexplainable selves if ever they may inhabit our temporary vessels like a friend who has no friends but you and wants desperately to get along with others but is attached to your ways. Are we in hell? What can our astral travels tell us about signaling locations with Etheric marks of time dialation. Things are what they are by defintion or they wouldn t be things however stepping the observer up a notch sets in motion cancer to grow from the singular notion that we ourselves separate on a cost of lightening our load.
I am partly responsible for this mess we have made. Pulling my hair out in thin strands so as to not make a difference. Some people just don't understand what it means to be so far gone yet in a place of enchantment that lets us know we're not alone as Michael Jackson plays on the ham radio and Wikipedia says the song was written by r kelly. I'm a solitary young man, joined at the seams complacency and red-ridden vanishing points to a line of sight I'd rather not identify with if I had a choice. I'm seriously considering becoming rich and famous despite others already forcing me to. I guess eventually my spirit will give in as my soul looks from a distance and says what a fool I am then goes about his day. You can't be like the rest of them no matter how hard you try. Thinking on the sensualities you avoided after this rap shit led you no where. The palace at the height of creation where Jesus stopped and stared to collect his thoughts before he kept going when his alarm rang as his slave bending consistency tracked the new melinnia into a moldy piece of sandstone cheese the better of which tasted nutty with fruity notes and 80% abv shards of liquid glass on the throat thatd make even an immortal weep a shy tear or two. The pigs down in Mississippi feel things we can't understand in their slaughterhouse decrepit and forwarned in a musk ridden air flow that's non existent to hypocritical angels who were supposed to stop atrocity but opted to sit on their ads and play virtua tennis all day. Oink says the pig. Hee haw says the donkey. Give me life says the God and there on the 30th night fags came to tell the story on their faces. The bag lady told them to shut up and stop whining but they wouldn't listen though they lost their ability to speak. Goodness gracious me oh my great balls of fire. Great balls of ball you are the Lord of my lonely century in this dimension I took awareness to when I allowed you into my heart space.And then I left asking my self: Who is this I?
755559888a
Let’s stand for a while and think about the dastardly ways we have gone under the waters and flew away from temptation. Have us saying isnt it so pretty to be in something and have that to fall back on due to the struggles of forgetting the place we come from which didnt always have it out for us this bad in refusing us of inconjunctions we can at least point to and blame our problems on saying “See! There, I told you so. That’s why we cant find our beginning!” And we’ll keep toilling the fields as halflings saving up for a chance to leave the very universe we serve.
“So thats more like it. Finally something I can get my flows on to” Shelly the alien said.
“The Stars dont have to like you just because you see them. They have their place and so do we” Gerald said.
“Oh but they do.”
“How do you know?”
“Well for one they always shine bright at the most oppurtune times, like when I’m feeling down about the part of myself that conveinently seems to escape me just when I need it most. If that be so then put me on to something else and that’ll do just fine.”
“Perhaps you're not as big as you thought ” Gerald held up his hand to salvage what was left of the dissolving psychic barrier between them. An invisible giant with an ocd issue. For now he could only listen.
“No im not here to choose and thats exactly why Im not afraid to go where you can’t. Having the courage to admit your wrongs requires as much energy as universal rotation itself - a force which exists beyond our pleaidien awareness. ”
“ But Shel- Okay whatever” Gerald paused and rolled the horizon through his scaly fingertips. “Keep calling on the unknown and you might get lost because it’s been there forever and sometimes Look, Shelly, no offense, you know I love you, but your awareness has no filter on what representation it can cling onto like danger isnt a reality to you. Me and Dazel always had to look out for you and thats just in this world what makes you think you can take on things you cant even see?
“But do you believe in me? Anyone can say they love me. I’ve been hearing that my whole life. So much that it holds the same meaning as “um” does in conversation. Is that really the final conclusion we have at the end of the day? That you love me? Besides, I dont think you really meant that.”
“Here goes Miss Type-1 personality again. Always needing to label circles into squares, stars into gods, this as that, out of an inability to cope with insecurity. Leaving the rest of us as unwilling participants.”
“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG IN NATURE?” Shelly bawled.
The beach of Temofose was out of walking distance from the orange cottage they grew up in with there Mom. When they were young it was somewhere theyd go when they had nothing else to do. Euweu Sister Beach was the brighter of the two, but now too populated for their liking. Temofose is less frequented by other families and polluted by cargo ships and a lack of open views but as they stood there a semblence of twilight through the holographic cages offered closure to the purpose of them arguing in the elements about a timeline Shelly was going to step into And no matter what argument he could put forth, Gerald thought of it fruitless unless he spoke from his heart, a heart of which Shelly was currently taking the place of, so that he could not use it against her.
“Shelly, I just hope you can understand how I dont want to let you go.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’s my choice. Have a good njght Gerald. I love you” She said as she went into darkness.
Summer Break 2018
As a street light exploring strip malls, I am a linoleum tile on top of a trapezoid emitting frames of rave scenes. Heres where I find myself walking through last nights dream of the gang member selling duck pussy then getting assaulted by a pizza guy and a cop. Alone after those nights. Seems love was never meant to be expressed but felt. I look inside to see if I’m about to die, seeing diamonds mixed with sky. Materializing in the backdrop of my memories. Now I know why.
Now I know.
Then a wren on the fence manifests when it needs to. The perspective pyramid is that I pleaded for a higher calling. There’s nobody bohemian as me. One day I’ll take this civic off the road and escape into my sacred grove. If only I wasnt such a bitch.
I carry my single briefcase through the airport parking lot. I’m hot and out of breath. Everyone watching me. I can read their thoughts but not my own. They say look at the guy who isnt me but is still conscious enough to move his vessel.
The a/c runs down to the end of the terminal, but my spirit is squared by the stores selling vain material. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my mind’s eye televises scenes too chaotic to put into words. Walking through customs is an event to be remembered, I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days. I board the flight to say finally I am my own religion. If I was flying over africa I’d see bon fires, but over Georgia I only see street lights. Thinking how absurd that they will speak of me as crazy. Others will listen. A vibration through these amber aisles to look no further than my destiny. Because everyone has their destination is the way it goes. I refuse. I’m tired of being a number. Atlanta had its place. Now I’m homeless in Tokyo. This is the not-so perfect end to the chapter planned out for me by the higher power. Not-so bad neither.
Save me. I’m on the other side now.
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Questions to ask for 2020
Dear E,
HelloOoOo, its been awhile i havent do any posting here. So, just few days ago i found this set of interesting questions to ask for 2019 & 2020 but it actually quite drives me to think more towards 2020. I wanted to put it here just for fun or for my own reading in near future. Kaja! 🤩😎😏
What was one of the moments you were most proud of this year? What does that tell you about what you want to spend your energy/time/money on next year?
One of the moments is where i find myself struggling with my issue and heartbreak, but i still manage to give myself away as much as i can for people around me without mentioning about the war inside of me. Tbh, i never regret it. I still wanna be able to pour out my energy and time for people who need it because somehow it helps me too.
When were you genuinely surprised this last year?
Im genuinely surprised when Farah got engaged early January and decides to get married after raya. Because by that time i realized something which is, “This is it! Im at that phase of my life where everyone at my age will start to carry huge different commitments/responsible in their lives. And i will too” But then, one by one of my friends got engaged/married and im no longer surprised hahhaha.
What was your best failure this year? (i.e. what thing that didn’t go well eventually taught you something critical?)
I can say that my best failure is when i dont meet their expectations of me. Like when they thought i would feel sad/pity for some issues but i didnt. Like when they thought of how my mind works/thinks in certain way but its not. No one can actually explain my thoughts/actions well. I wanted to say that they always misunderstood me, but i end up saying nothing to them and let it be. Because it is a waste of time to ever explain myself.
What was your most overrated success? (i.e. something you thought would feel great that was sort of a let down?)
Most overrated success is when i first rent a room and live on my own. Ya, its most overrated because everyone else did it better than me and earlier than me lol.
Who really enriched your life this year in a big way? Who is someone you want to get to know better in the year ahead?
Person who really enriched my life last year is Fatna. I can literally talk about anything with her. Good or bad. Happy or sad. Anger or disappointment. Excited or confused. Health or wealth. In seriousness or trivial. Like you can name it, anything. All of the words that come from her always knocked me to reality, gave me something to ponder upon and so solid to be ignored just like that. And for that, im so grateful to have her last year. Someone that i want to get to know better is the one that has strong soul to overcome anything on their freaking own.
What community are you a part of right now that you find most nourishing? What kind of community are you craving?
Im in a community where everyone is struggling/surviving/working to support their lives. Some even did part time jobs to gain side income. Its probably because they have certain goals set to be achieved. Maybe to get married or they will have children or maybe just simply to support their luxury lifestyle. Its not that nourishing, but some sort of intriguing perhaps. I cant wait to be in a community that always giving/lifting/sharing with others. But right now, i understood when everyone need to be selfish and put themselves first. I hope later on everyone will come to realization that there is no use to be selfish.
What goals—personal or professional—are you releasing in 2020?
Personal; To increase knowledge and understanding of Islam and practicing it better. Professional; To make a change in my job/add something new.
Who did you feel most jealous of this year? What is that person up to that you want to bring more of into your own life?
On instagram, i started following artist (women) that already fully cover their aurat and have family of their own. I guess im jealous of them. Being able to be a better muslimah which is better than their previous self, a devoted wife and mother. I guess im longing for that feeling to be one of them. I’ll try my best, to practice goodness in my inner self first.
Where and with whom were you most resentful in 2019? How can you get straight about your own needs and articulate them so you can stop feeling that shit in 2020?
Tbh, ive already make peace with it and try to forget it. But in this case, it just the matter of answering this question okie? I felt most resentful with my friends whom befriend my ex and also befriend my ex’s new girlfriend. Because they all knew it all along but no one, not even a single one of them be upfront with me and tell the truth about it. Everything just sort of unfolds by itself. Better yet, they really showed me who they truly are. It makes me wonder, whats the use of having friends who wouldnt dare to tell me the truth that i need? The way how to stop feeling that shit is to be neutral with them. Im not going to be so close yet not so distant with them anymore. I knew the boundaries better these days.
What piece of art, movie, or book really inspired you this year?
Art; . Music; Stone // Alessia Cara. Movie; Toy Story 4. Book; The Art of Letting God
What conversation was most memorable in 2019? What made it stick with you so powerfully?
Every deep conversation that i had with my girls (Sheera, Farah, Fatna, Zatie, Zila, Aida) are so so memorable and powerful. Every. Single. One. It could be because im at my lowest of low and i took every word from them personally. I couldnt thank them enough for always listening to my rants and always try their hardest to come up with something to say when its already good enough for them to hear me out.
If you had to articulate a mantra for 2020, what would it be?
Whatever that had happen and will happen, youve got yourself and Allah all along for better or worse.
When were you most physically joyful in 2019? How can you get there more in 2020?
I find myself physically joyful when it all in balance. Like the amount of time spent with family/friends are equal with time spent alone. I personally like that part of my life so muchhh. I guess by knowing what worth my time is how i’ll get more joy and satisfaction in 2020.
What is one question that you found yourself asking over and over again this year? What version of an answer are you living your way into?
Tbh, theres a lot of open ended questions. But none of it is repeated. I always try my hardest to control my thoughts and its not easy, i swear. But its something i need to keep doing to prevent myself from overthinking/overanalyzing every single thing especially when i know im that type of person. I have only one chance of life, and i know im not going to let myself imagine the variety versions of how my life could be. So, im just keep doing and keep going. Nothing else.
What was the most sacred experience you had in the last decade?
Many. I could cry if i need to tell all of the story. But one of it is when i joined Farah for the usrah session at her in-law’s. During that time, i felt at utmost peace and calm being surrounded by so much purer and beautiful souls. I feel so small. I can feel my heart being the softest its ever been. I always almost cry when they read the hadith/quran translation/during halaqah/during tazkirah. I pray i get to experience it a lot more this year and spend my tears for matter like these.
What makes you despair and what gives you hope right now?
People. Theres different type of people with different kind of character. And i will never know what their intentions in my life are whether its bad or good. But bad people will always make me despair and good people will keep on give me hope.
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Ibrahim's birth
Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.
So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.
*
19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.
It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.
20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.
Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.
Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.
Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.
So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.
At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.
By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.
6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.
So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.
8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.
My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.
They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.
Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.
Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.
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Day 79
soooooo i went to bed at 8 am in the morning today. Cause i was on the treadmill. with breaks after 30 mins. for a total of 3hrs. so i started at around 3 am and ended around 7 am almost 5 hours for an actual 3hr workout Oh great!
oh now i put a sticky note on the webcam thingy on my laptop. Lol now ik for sure why almost everyone at uni puts an ugly sticker on it. cause someone might hack into it and stuff. saw it in mr robot.
oh yesterday we went to a mall and dad had to park and come later after we already entered the mall. so when he was entering he saw some lady lying on the floor having a nose bleed i think. anyways so later in the car he was talking about it and telling how when he saw that he was almost about to call me and then he saw that the ladys like surrounded by more than enough people so theres no need to but then he was like i came to his mind right away. idk what he thinks about me but im sure i havent thought as much about myself for sure lol. hmph. But i wish to live up to his expectations one day inshaAllah.
so my doctor has been telling me for months now, and once again from my most recent lab investigations results i am supposedly having a very bad bacterial infection. And i have no idea where the hell it is :) so i have to go to the hospital agaaaaaaain to see a nephrologist or urologist after doing an urine culture & bleh not looking forward to it but gta go. maybe tomorrow
so my mom is really cool. i mean she knows so much about medicine. ‘clinical stuff’. A lot of it. Tbh she knows more than me. ever since year 2 and 3, whenever i find out some interesting clinical management i always ask her about it only with the intention of telling her about it once she didnt know the answer WHICH i only assumed everytime. She mostly answers them right and on top of that i end up learning a thing or two from her esp the medicine names cause like in med school they dont teach us the brand name but the generic name. she knows a lot of brand names too. i mean shes just awesome mashAllah.
Anyways so why im mentioning all these is cause, she freaks out every time my results are out and the doctor goes like i have a bacterial infection. So from urine analysis. Normal level of ‘pus cells’ should be ZERO to 4. Even SIX pus cells means infection and i have like around 26 Pus Cells. Oh Holy
So after hearing that mom who id expect to not say silly things comes up with all weird theories Ughh! she tells about how im so dirty and i dont wash my water flask so it has lipstick stains on it and maybe thats where i got infected from “-” AND once i laughed it off she suggests maybe its from all the ‘burgers’ i eat from outside “-” “-” and how the fast food chains dont maintain hygiene and all Ughh.
Btw ik my posts are usually really long and all but then its actually funny sometimes. I mean i hardly write anything. There is just SOOOO much stuck in me. i mean you can say i write 1% of it. And if you think im just bluffing, ill raise it to a 3%. But if i say i write even 10% of whats in my head then Ill call myself a liar! See, the thing is. I dont like talking to anyone about these. “except” for him. And that is because i ‘chose’ to. Like its not that i dont have people to talk to, more like i dont even need people to talk to. Cause i dont want to. Its just me ‘wanting’ to open up to him. to trust him. to let him be a part of my life. What im trying to say is. The reason i have so much stuck in me is not because i cant talk to anyone but more like i dont want to. And theres just one person I want to talk to with. Other than that, I find more comfort in my own company rather compared to anyone elses tbh.
Now i remember in one of my post i was talking about our last conv where he told me to wait for him and he’ll come for me one day inshaAllah and i was talking about idk how much i can do with regards to that to make things easier for us! Idk i think theres more to what i can do. I keep thinking about it and, i believe that i need to be stable and successful enough too. And not just simply stable financially but like, I need to be at good place. A marriage is a two person thing and you always need to lift each other up as much as you can.
One way or the other, this thing always just slips whenever i sit to blog but it entered my head and scared the shit out of me quite a few days ago. So i was thinking of us, life.. Btw when i say ‘life’ it still means ‘us’. Its the same god damn thing “-” Aha! So i was thinking about us, and how times passing by. i really cant say if its going fast or slow. so no comments. i honestly dont know! BUT i feel like there is so much to come yet. i mean.. and then i was thinking.. i mean some day itll be the 100th day. cool And then months will pass. AND suddenly it hit me! NOW if theres some month i really wna skip, like s.k.i.p. like God, can you like pause my life or like fast forward it to the next month or something please? THEN, that would be January! Yesssss. Like, i totally have no. freakin. idea. how ill spend that month. Im like -blank- Like idk how ill be breathing in peace. its that much of a killer for me. im not even exaggerating, idk if it sounds stupid but then maybe i am stupid Ugh. But like honestly, im more okay with feb, than i am with jan. i really have no idea what ill do or how ill pass the time :)
Ill talk more about it prolly tomorrow. but enough for today i guess!
OH ANDDDDD - “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ I read that in one of his posts & words cant say what it pulled me out of...
Tada b’bye c:
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journal entry #5 ? (this is a first on here)
january 7 , 2019
1:15 am
i want to say happy thoughts or say happy stuff but i never seem to be able to cause if you really see whats inside my mind you'd probably would feel bad and cry i cant see what i'm typing so far when the tears are on the brim of my eyes . i havent had a full on breakdown since may so far just a couple tears then done. i have a mechanism that bottles up everything until i wake up and feel like shit and that takes a while for that to happen along with the frustrating tears . its hard for me to let out how i really feel because one i'm an introvert two i've grown acustomed to keep things to myself cause i dont want to burden anyone . i dont want pity from anyone . that is definitely what i dont want from anyone , i hate myself so much . i dont deserve to be loved to feel loved or to be happy . thats what i believe . i know my mother doesnt love me how ? she has said it before alot and half of the time has shown it . i'm a huge disappoinment to my father for sure . how ? i can tell from the look on his face whenever he gets a call from school or last year at the therapists office saying "your daughter is being admitted to the hospital again." he didnt care cause he told me he was wasting his time same goes for my mom whom has said the same thing . i remember a couple of weeks ago this was after christmas on the way home the song logic wrote about suicide i sang a part and my dad lowered the volume and started to rant about god and how there is a reason i've been brought into this world to find a purpose and i said well i didnt ask to be brought here then he said neither did i then i said well should've thought about putting on a condom before then . i soley forgot for a second that i was thinking outloud and said i wished for christmas to be dead and i dont even have a purpose here so yay then he started to rant about how why do you wanna die your time will come im here waiting for mine i said not to be sUiCiDaL or anything but why wait when you can do it now when you can do it by yourself and not by the hands of others then he said god said thats a sin i was kinda getting annoyed i wanted his own processed thoughts not a verse from a bible its not that i dont believe that theres a god cause to be honest sometimes i dont think theres a god if all these bad stuff keeps on happening on in the world but i dont know so i just kept shut . idk what im saying all i know is i guess i've been born to feel this pain inside that seems to come and go whenever it wants to .i deserve to feel pain i guess . cause rn im so empty woops ...
- c .
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~ still not gay ~
Word Count: 2 800
Genre: chat fic, coming out, coming to terms with sexuality, humour
Pairing(s): phan, tiny mention of kickthestickz
Warnings: swearing, so many spelling/grammar mistakes (all on purpose as it’s a chat fic), mentioned homophobia, sexual humour (not a lot)
Summary:
crabstickzzz has added PJ to the chat.
PJ: what?
dannyboy: chris and co. think im gay
A/N Shout out to the (formerly) ~ still not gay ~ chat, thanks for not believing I was straight. (Loosely based off my own unconventional coming out.)
AUGUST 12TH
dan is gay
crabstickzzz has added PJ to the chat.
PJ: what?
dannyboy: chris and co. think im gay
PJ: you are.
crabstickzzz: SUCK IT HOWELL
LouiseP: Chris, Dan clearly isn’t ready for blowjobs yet.
dannyboy: IM NOT GAY
PJ: sure.
crabstickzzz: wat about ur crush on phil
AmazingPhil: His what now
dannyboy: i dont have a crush on phil
PJ: sure.
dannyboy: im straight guys cmon
PJ has changed the chat name to dan is in denial and gay.
dannyboy: oh for fucks sake
dannyboy: seriously guys im 100% sure im straight
PJ: sure.
-
AUGUST 15TH
dan is in denial and gay
AmazingPhil: Why is the name always about Dan
LouiseP: This group chat is dedicated to whether or not Dan is gay. And memes.
crabstickzzz: thats all we talk about so theres no point in creating another
PJ: i’ve been in this group chat for two days and it’s true.
dannyboy: why does it matter what i am
crabstickzzz: bc u wont admit ur gay! we r teaching u to love and accept urself 4 who u r!!!
dannyboy: bullshit
AmazingPhil: Maybe we should lay off Dan a bit
dannyboy: thank you filip
AmazingPhil: Never mind please continue
dannyboy changed the chat name to i hate you all
-
Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil.
AmazingPhil: You’re not mad, are you?
dannyboy: no
AmazingPhil: Sure?
dannyboy: its fine. theyre joking and having fun. i just dont get why they care so much about my sexuality though
AmazingPhil: Maybe Crabstickzzz and PJ have a crush on you and Louise is trying to wingman both???
dannyboy: yeah right. can you imagine?
AmazingPhil: You never know
dannyboy: for starters, nobody has, or ever had, or ever will have a crush on me, and secondly, crabstickzzz and pj are dating
AmazingPhil: WHAT? WHEN? HOW?
dannyboy: well i dont know for sure but cmon
AmazingPhil: Oh good. I thought I had missed their big reveal
AmazingPhil: Also don’t be so sure about the crush thing
dannyboy: what? who has a crush on me?!
dannyboy: PHIL LESTER ANSWER ME
-
NOVEMBER 20TH
i hate you all
dannyboy: GUYS OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THE PIC ZAC EFRON JUST POSTED
LouiseP: Who’s Zack?
PJ: oh boy.
dannyboy: HOW DARE YOU! ZAC**** IS THE ACTOR OF TROY BOLTON AKA MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
AmazingPhil: I JUST SAW IT TOO HE LOOKS SO GOOD
dannyboy: I KNOW RIGHT?????
LouiseP: daNIEL
PJ: HAH KNEW IT.
dannyboy: what
crabstickzzz: ur not good at being straight, my friend
dannyboy: oh come on! i may be straight but im not BLIND!
PJ: sure.
dannyboy: phil back me up!
AmazingPhil: Dan has a point.
crabstickzzz: spoil sport
crabstickzzz has kicked AmazingPhil from the chat.
dannyboy: OI
LouiseP: Chris, add him back in.
crabstickzzz: fineeee only cause ur scary
crabstickzzz has added AmazingPhil to the chat.
dannyboy has changed the chat name to welcome back fil.
AmazingPhil has changed the chat name to chris sucks.
dannyboy: i second that
crabstickzzz: wat did i do???
PJ: you’re really asking yourself that?
-
NOVEMBER 25TH
chris sucks
LouiseP: It’s been five days are you all dea?
crabstickzzz: yep im so dea
LouiseP: Oh shut up, like you can talk.
PJ: he never stops talking. don’t encourage him, for my sake.
crabstickzzz: do not
AmazingPhil: Do too
PJ: do too.
dannyboy: do too
crabstickzzz: alright i get it
LouiseP: Do too.
LouiseP: Whoops.
crabstickzzz: watevr
crabstickzzz: so dan have u figured out that ur gay yet
dannyboy: for the last time, im like 99% sure im straight
PJ: that’s 1% less than last time.
crabstickzzz: progress!!!
dannyboy: no its just that if evan peters wanted to fuck me, i wouldnt say no
LouiseP: Hardly anyone would.
dannyboy: see? it doesnt prove anything
AmazingPhil: well…
dannyboy: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE
PJ: welcome to the dark side.
AmazingPhil: I just go for whatever side is winning! Can’t blame a man for surviving
dannyboy: thats not the saying
AmazingPhil: It is now!
dannyboy: weve been over this! you cant steal sayings and try to change them
AmazingPhil: I just did
dannyboy: why am i friends with you
crabstickzzz: bc u like him
dannyboy changed the chat name to ~ still not gay ~.
PJ: sure.
LouiseP: You say that a lot.
PJ: it’s because it’s needed. if dan didn’t deny the blatantly obvious, i wouldn’t have to be sarcastic all the time.
crabstickzzz: dont lie to urself
-
NOVEMBER 27TH
~ still not gay~
dannyboy: oh my god oh m y god
AmazingPhil: What?!
dannyboy: fcukin evan peters in ahs
AmazingPhil: ARE YOU WATCHING WITHOUT ME
dannyboy: maybe…
AmazingPhil: BETRAYAL
crabstickzzz: gayyyyyy
dannyboy: fuck off let me have this chris
PJ: yeah chris, fuck off.
dannyboy: thanks pj
PJ: it’s okay. also...
dannyboy: what
PJ: gayyyyy.
AmazingPhil: Okay but Dan has a point
LouiseP: True!
dannyboy: phil and louise are my only friends
crabstickzzz: danyul they both like guys doesnt that say something
dannyboy: psh whatever
-
DECEMBER 25TH
~ still not gay ~
dannyboy: ugh im stuck with sucky wifi away from home :(
AmazingPhil: Aw! Does that mean no skype tonight?
dannyboy: im using my data rn and its so slow, skype would be a nightmare. sorry phil
AmazingPhil: I’ll see you when you get back, then.
dannyboy: yeah :)
crabstickzzz: ugh stop flirting
PJ: yeah, get your own chat.
LouiseP: I think it’s cute.
dannyboy: yeah okay im leaving
PJ: he didn’t deny the flirting part though.
-
JANUARY 1ST
~ still not gay ~
dannyboy: new years and no one to kiss wow what a surprise
AmazingPhil: My offer still stands ;)
LouiseP: WAIT, WHAT OFFER?!
crabstickzzz: yeah wat offer
PJ: is no one gonna..?
PJ: okay fine I guess I’ll have to do it.
PJ: gayyyyyyy
AmazingPhil: I wish
dannyboy: keep dreaming philly ;)
LouiseP: I ship it.
PJ: join the club.
dannyboy: can anybody read what the title of this chat is
crabstickzzz: we can we just dont care
PJ: the only reason no one has changed it is because of its irony.
-
JANUARY 12TH
Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil
dannyboy: ahH EVAN PETERS
AmazingPhil: Dan are you sure you’re not gay
dannyboy: well i mean i have liked girls before so even if i did like guys i wouldnt be gay
AmazingPhil: Bi?
dannyboy: maybe idk
dannyboy: but anyway EVAN PETERS
-
JANUARY 16TH
~ still not gay ~
dannyboy: this chat is so quiet
AmazingPhil: For the first time in forever
dannyboy: did you literally just reference Frozen
LouiseP: What’s wrong with Frozen?!
AmazingPhil: Yeah Dan what’s wrong with Frozen
PJ: he probably thinks its gay lmao.
crabstickzzz: dans literally the epitome of no homo
dannyboy: wow what a big word you used there chris
dannyboy: do you even know what it means
dannyboy: also i’ll have you know i have proudly never said no homo
AmazingPhil: I’ve tested that ;)
PJ: WOAH WHAT DID PHIL JUST MAKE A DIRTY JOKE?
LouiseP: PHIL, I THOUGHT I RAISED YOU TO BE A GOOD CHILD.
crabstickzzz: DAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM
dannyboy: wouldnt you like to know
crabstickzzz: wht te h fcuk
PJ: … GAYYYYYYY.
LouiseP: I second that.
AmazingPhil: I hope that
dannyboy: that doesnt make sense
PJ: okay, straight boy, he meant ‘fil hopes you’re gay, as in attracted to boys, no “no homo”’.
dannyboy: im not an idiot
crabstickzzz: debateble
dannyboy: debatable* dumbass
-
JANUARY 30TH
~ still not gay ~
dannyboy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL MY BEST FRIEND
LouiseP: Happy birthday! Wow, January went by quickly.
dannyboy: yeah can you believe that Phil Lester created January and the world was so hyped for his birthday it sped up time
PJ: oh my god, guys, holy shit.
crabstickzzz: what
PJ: DAN DIDN’T TALK ABOUT HOW BIRTHDAYS ARE A STEP CLOSER TO DEATH. AM I ALIVE?
crabstickzzz: hoLY FUCK UR RIGHT
LouiseP: Dan, you feeling okay?
dannyboy: jeez sorry for wishing my friend a happy birthday
AmazingPhil: I thought it was sweet
crabstickzzz: yeah we get it u love each other
PJ: they’re so cute but so gross.
dannyboy: i dont like phil cmon guys
AmazingPhil: I thought we had something :( you even forgot to talk about the inevitability of death for me :((((
PJ: hey, at least he didn’t say he doesn’t like guys or reference the chat name.
-
FEBRUARY 3RD
~ still not gay ~
dannyboy: ugh people suck
AmazingPhil: What happened?
dannyboy: nothing
PJ: sure.
LouiseP: You can tell us, Dan.
crabstickzzz: as long as its not blackmail worthy bc in that case dont be so sure
LouiseP: Chris.
crabstickzzz: i was joking, ofc he can tell us
dannyboy: nvm, i said it was nothing
-
Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil
AmazingPhil: Seriously what happened
dannyboy: one of my old friends from uni keeps asking me when im getting a girlfriend or making jokes about my lack of love life every time he sees me and im sick of it
AmazingPhil: You’ve complained about him before and it you never seemed too bothered
dannyboy: yeah well…
AmazingPhil: ?
dannyboy: i know it shouldnt bother me but this time when i tried to ignore all of his questions about getting a girlfriend or whatever he said “you’re gonna turn gay and be alone”
dannyboy: like i know gay isnt an insult but at the same time it bugs me? is that wrong?
AmazingPhil: I don’t think so. Maybe it was just that he said something like that in the first place
dannyboy: maybe… or like some internalised homophobia idk i feel shitty
dannyboy: im just so tired of everyone asking me when im gonna get a relationship
dannyboy: my mum has been making hints at it lately
AmazingPhil: I love your mum but everyone should back off
dannyboy: this is cheesy but you’re the best
AmazingPhil: No problem <3
dannyboy: <3
-
FEBRUARY 4TH
~ still not gay ~
dannyboy: youll all be happy to know that i almost accidentally kissed a guy today
crabstickzzz: o H YM GOD DANYUL WELCOME TO THE GAY SIDE
dannyboy: a l m o s t + a c c i d e n t a l l y
PJ: sure.
dannyboy: i thought you had stopped with the sarcastic sures
PJ: keep dreaming, howell.
crabstickzzz: shut up time for the important qs
crabstickzzz: was it fil
LouiseP: Please for the love of god let it be Phil.
AmazingPhil: Let what be me
dannyboy: they’re freaking out over the almost kiss
AmazingPhil: Oh! Sorry guys, it wasn’t me
crabstickzzz: NOOOOOOOOO
PJ: sure.
LouiseP: Liesssssssssssssss.
dannyboy: it was this cute guy who ive been friends with for a while and we were messing around and whispering in each others ears to waste time during some meeting that was probably important and i turned just as he was whispering something and our lips almost touched
dannyboy: we jumped back just in time
PJ: there was so much gay in that that I can’t even form a coherent reason as to why it was gay.
AmazingPhil: Can you believe that Dan cheated on me :(((((()(09()
crabstickzzz: CUTE GUY? WHISPERING IN EARS? HOWL U R GAY OK
PJ: good news, chris just said my reasons for me.
LouiseP: Who’s the lucky guy?
dannyboy: first of all, weve been over this. i know when someone is cute, guy or girl. second of all, we were whispering creepy stuff like “mayonnaise” to try and freak each other out and third of all, not telling because id know you guys would stalk him
AmazingPhil: I know who it is ;)
PJ: i bet it’s phil.
dannyboy: nope. i said CUTE guy
AmazingPhil: HEY!
dannyboy: kidding. but no, it wasnt phil
-
FEBRUARY 8TH
~ still not gay ~
LouiseP: Alright, for today we put a halt on the usual Dan is gay discourse.
dannyboy: thank you friend
PJ: why? did someone die?
crabstickzzz: BREAKING TRADITION IS NOT ALLWD!!!
LouiseP: Shush, let me talk about a cute guy I saw today.
LouiseP: Anyway how do I ask him out?
AmazingPhil: Wait until Valentines and anonymously get him a rose.
dannyboy: ask him out or let your feelings pile up and watch him inevitably move on because you’re too scared to make a move
PJ: talk to him on the internet until you become best friends and be gay oops i meant straight for each other.
crabstickzzz: love poems via mysterious skype calls no one gets to know the contents of
LouiseP: The last two are unrealistic. Who talks to a stranger on the internet??? Stanger danger!1!!1!
dannyboy: fil i think theyre picking on us
AmazingPhil: Fair enough
dannyboy: YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE
-
FEBRUARY 11TH
~ still not gay ~
dannyboy: i cant wait to get nothing on valentines
LouiseP: Same.
AmazingPhil: Same
PJ: same.
crabstickzzz: sam
crabstickzzz: samr*
crabstickzzz: SAME****
dannyboy: this chat is so depressing
dannyboy: also learn how to spell
crabstickzzz: np
crabstickzzz: no*
-
FEBRUARY 13TH
~ still not gay ~
dannyboy changed the chat name to ~ not gay, but bi ~
crabstickzzz: I KNEW IR
dannyboy: shush
crabstickzzz: I FCUKIGN KNEWS IT
dannyboy: you saw nothing
crabstickzzz: YOURE BI
dannyboy: i was right about not being gay though
crabstickzzz: BUT I KNEW YOU WERENT STRAIGHT
PJ: WOAH WOAH WAIT WHAT’S HAPPENIGN OH MT FGDPL.
LouiseP: PJ ISN’T USING FULL STOPS!!! HE’S BROKEN!
LouiseP: DAN, YOU’VE BROKEN ALL OF US!!!
dannyboy: I SAID I WAS 99% SURE I WAS STRAIGHT
crabstickzzz: I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG
dannyboy: NO YOU THOUGHT I WAS GAY
dannyboy: WE WERE ALL WRONG
PJ: S T I L L.
AmazingPhil: This is so amusing
LouiseP: WHY ISN’T PHIL JOINING OUR FREAKING OUT?!
dannyboy: … might have came out already yesterday maybe haha dont kill me
PJ: WHAT?
crabstickzzz: FUK U FIL AND DANYUL
LouiseP: AND YOU’RE ONLY TELLING US NOW??????
dannyboy: yeah well coming out to phil was the first time ive ever done it so it was a little emotionally exhausted and i shook so much that i needed to recharge
AmazingPhil: He was so nervous but I’m proud of him
PJ: yeah, same.
LouiseP: I second that!
crabstickzzz: I FUCKING NKEW TOU WERE GAY
AmazingPhil: I thought we had gotten past this bit
dannyboy: chris, read the new name. im still not gay, just extremely bi
crabstickzzz: sry but i cant believe ur finally coming out
LouiseP: If you don’t mind me asking, what made you realise you were bi?
dannyboy: it all started with this one guy in high school who was so fucking hot and i had like a teensy bit of a crush on him and omg he was so pretty and one time i saw him literally leaning against a wall with his hair messed up and i died
dannyboy: i thought it was a one-time thing and i wasnt really sure if it counted considering ive only ever been attracted to girls before that, but recently ive just come to terms with that and the other thing
crabstickzzz: WHICH IS
dannyboy: nnnnnnnothing
PJ: sure.
AmazingPhil: Ha you guys aren’t on best friend level, so of course you don’t know
crabstickzzz: r00d
dannyboy: dont worry he doesnt know either, hes just being a little shit
AmazingPhil: Love you too
LouiseP: Can you imagine how much we would’ve freaked out over Phil’s message in August?
PJ: seasons change and people do too, apparently.
-
FEBRUARY 14TH
~ not gay, but bi ~
dannyboy: [image attached] someone sent me this chocolate rose with a note saying “- Voldemort” i wonder who that could be??!?!?
PJ: yeah, can anyone think of a super pale nerd who likes Harry Potter almost as much as Dan does and knows where he lives??? I’m coming up blank!!!1!!
LouiseP: Awwww, that’s so sweet!
crabstickzzz: barf
AmazingPhil: Thanks Louise I spent 2 whole pounds on it
dannyboy: spending so much for his boyfriend ew sap stop wasting money
PJ: bOYFRIEND?
crabstickzzz: WAIT I THOUGHT U 2 WERE JUST BEING WEIRD AND PLATONIC COUPLEY LIKE U ALWAYS R AND UR TELLING ME UR DATING
AmazingPhil: It turns out that the “other thing” Dan mentioned was him liking me
dannyboy: and also staring at his lips whenever he talks to me and thinkingaboutkissingthemmaybehah
LouiseP: CONGRATS, GUYS!
PJ: this is like my OTP.
crabstickzzz: *teenage girl voice* OH MY GOD MY OTP
dannyboy: lets leave before they start being weird
AmazingPhil: They’re our friends, don’t worry so much
crabstickzzz: so like did your first kiss involve tongue or
AmazingPhil: Yeah, bye.
crabstickzzz: he didnt say no
LouiseP: cHRIS.
dannyboy: if you must know, it involved NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
dannyboy has left the chat.
AmazingPhil has left the chat.
PJ: …there was definitely tongue.
LouiseP: Agreed.
#phanfiction#phandom#phanfic#phan#came out last monday (13th feb)#to the still not gay chat#came out to the very inactive class chat this sunday (19th feb)#(only like four people saw hah)#and am planning to maybe come out to my immediate group of friends tomorrow????#who knows#now time for the tags to promote my stuff#chat fic#coming out#humour#kickthestickz#homophobia mention
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i have the day off work, i have leftovers from my favorite Chinese restaurant, i have a bunch of Easter candy I havent touched yet, and its perfect weather for going outside and enjoying a few blunts right now. and that’s not even to mention that i know where to get some absolutely mind-blowingly good bud with plenty of wax and hash to go with it.
and yet its my first sober 4/20 since 2010!! and that isnt even in some sort of “hey progress toward health” way where i dont feel a need to smoke weed anymore because i love that shit, its in a “i should be out getting baked” way
goddamn this sucks and the worst part is that im just doing petty complaining right now you know? like the worst part is that im feeling so fucking alone im listening to the fucking Smiths like some kinda mid-high schooler who got told by the girl he likes that she has a boyfriend and relating too deeply to that fuckface Morrissey talking about suffering and like, its just...its my fault
its all my fault
i wasnt careful enough and it was stupid shit that lead to me getting caught, stupid shit, i know that!! but on the other hand, especially given that the most recent thing involved my parents deciding not to tell me that they were gonna be moving a desk in my room and cleaning it out entirely but instead just going “oh yeah we’ll do this while you’re at work” and doing it, and that the time that started all of the mounting suspicion was my mom rooting through my drawers because of something else entirely that i wasnt even doing! for some reason she was like “oh you’re hiding your meds” when i wasnt and she foun something else and like, lmao her wannabe cop ass was so pressed and still is after she figured shit out in January and its just
im a sad tranny faggot who has disappointed you and knows how awful i am i know im a burden a current-dropout a fucking waste of money and time and space and i know i know i know i know all i do is work a part-time retail job and like what the fuck else am i gonna do? like even at my job i fuck up and its just...i hate this shit i hate it so much i deserve to be fired and i deserve to be fuckin shot!! can sum1 just come kill me?
if anything id be better off as a rallying sorta thing, as like, something that ppl can look to and be like “oh yeah remember it?” and idk pretend they’re not raging transmisogynists for a few minutes i just
my dad is going out tonight after work and getting drunk and i remember how when i thought She could still come visit me one of the things he said was that he “didnt wanna hear how tired i was after working a bunch of days in a row because he hasn’t had a day off in 20 years” since he has to call people for work and go to events on the weekend and whatever and its like...maybe fiind a job that offers actual fulfilment and meaningful labor in your standards! maybe go fuck yourself!!
and it’s just like, i’m caught up in so much bullshit here and it feels like there’s no way out like...get a new job. with what? doing what? there aren’t any jobs for me here! there ain’t! this is as good as it gets unless you want me doing something that’s gonna make me kill myself in a few weeks’ time and just, what the fuck am i doing what the fuck what the fuck what ttheeeeee fuck i hate i hate i hate i want to be dead i want to be dead i want to be dead
i miss her so much and i feel so fucking profoundly alone right now, i want her here i want her back i know she’s never gonna leave but without her here it just feels so fucking awful and neither of them give a shit
and i have to see my shithead of a brother this weekend too, i was at least counting on him to like, be a distraction so that i can get outta the house more maybe even get an extra night with her so that someone can use my bed!! but like hey maybe now people will be able to use my bed because i’ll be fuckin dead soon enough, throw myself in the sea and never be found, fuck a funeral and fuck all that just fucking forget about me and move on there is nothing worth loving here nothing worth caring for nothing worth remembering
i miss her so much though and i know i make her happy and i have no idea why and im so so happy to be with her i love her so much i miss her and love her and just frankly theres so little time left for anybody that i worry if theres anything worth saving but if there is then its one of the few things worth seeing and thats her smile, her voice, her kiss her touch and i cant wait to be with her
and there will be other days other hazy smoke-filled pipe dream days where im cutting up lines and kissing her as i read in between them, her hands on me and mine on her, ours together, her hand in mine, music way too loud and all the powder and pills i could ask for and more and just some day, some day, some day itll be like that but it just sucks so much that it isnt today
no today i have to deal with the fascist fucking Patriots and the fucking police replacement supplement my mom gets as someone who loves doing loss prevention like some sort of hegemonic fuckhead, and i just hate this entire artifice, i hate it all and i wish i could be fucking done with it i wish i were dead
happy 4/20 though
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Day 4-7
Tuesday, January 7, 2020 22:32
look at that. I missed more days. This is going swimmingly
Today was memen’s bday and overall it was lovely.
It was a pretty frustrating day otherwise though. I was frustrated with both my father and my older sisters.
But memen herself and her birthday was the highlight and made the day much more manageable despite everything else.
I just really hate how Donna needs to be in control of everyone’s bday. I know she means well, but sometimes she just needs to relax and let everyone else celebrate how they want to celebrate their own birthday. Also what is her problem with driving and money? She’s so stubborn it hurts. Like she is not willing to compromise even if it benefits the whole group. She will be stubborn unless it benefits her. Dividing up the check was like pulling teeth. It came down to 6 cents and she was asking how we were going to divided that. We’re already agreed that everyone is paying for what they got, splitting taxes and such, and there were still cents unaccounted for, so now she had to recalculate everything.
Daisy needs to come to terms that she lives a whole state away. She’s married and even has her own house. Why is it suddenly my fault that I forget to include her in plans when she has a whole life of her own now? Its no one’s fault. Its life. People move on. We can’t stay a pack forever. If she really wanted to be there for memen’s bday then she would come here herself. I shouldnt have to tell her anything, thats not my responsibility. She lives 4 hours away. I asked her this past weekend when she was going to be back and she said not until this coming weekend. Did she forget it was her sister’s bday in between those days. I assumed nothing. I asked when she will be back. I wasnt going to tell her to leave her home and come here when she was planning on being back this weekend. I understand that she’s not the happiest down there, so why did she get married and moved there if she’s not happy? She said she wasnt working or doing anything anyway so why didn’t she make a point to come here on her own? Did she have to wait for me to tell her of a plan? Maybe she could’ve made plans herself. Would she only want to come up if there was a plan? We always have plans for our birthdays. This is why I’m so frustrated. We have always had a plan for the day of the birthday and weekends prior and after the day of the birthday. There’s usually at least 2 plans. She didn’t have to wait for anyone to tell her anything.
Then theres my dad. I was at home, trying to fix myself something to eat, and he comes storming down the stairs asking me about my letter from Probation and all hell broke lose once I tried to reassure him that I was going to talk to my probation officer soon, I have already talked to her, I have receipts of payments, she has receipts of payments and he still was angry!
The lack of communication between my parents and I, my older sisters and I, are getting really old. Im getting so frustrated lately.
Actually communicating with people have been frustrating. I remember why i didnt talk to people or asked anyone of anything in the first place. I really feel like most people can rant to me and explain to me and complain to me about anything and everything. Then I start to do it and I just feel dismissed. I feel that way about Sara too.
I know I cant expect everyone to be as approachable and understanding. But I just feel like they’re not even making an effort to be. I just feel like almost everyone is staying stagnant while I’m trying to change for myself. I dont want people to change for me, but I know that they have the ability to become better versions of themselves and I can’t understand why they are not reaching for those opportunities.
Complacency, Control, codependency.....
The past few days have been great though. Stephen hit me up today. I usually hit him up and he called me and asked me if I can blaze and my heart melted.
I feel like i need to trade a good relationship romantically with a frustrating relationship with my family. I can never have both. It cant ever be perfect like that. That everything just falls to place and becomes less stressful. I know its me too. I let them get on my nerves. But I used to not do that and I became the person I am. Anxious, depressed, self-doubting, self-harming, suicidal. Now im actually trying to know and understand my worth. But i feel like everyone has pretty much confirmed all my fears and the reasons why I want to kill myself. They do think i am a burden. They do think that i somehow have ill intent by not inviting them to memen, francis and I’s plans. They do think I cause problems. My dad thinks im disrespectful. I can’t expect to change them but they expect me to change for them. I can’t expect them to treat me differently but the want me to treat them a certain way. It’s a double standard. All the reasons that makes me anxious are real. All the reasons that made me depressed are real. Others expect me to make an effort but I can’t expect others to make an effort the same way. I need to accept others for the way they are, but I can’t expect others to accept me the way I am.
So what do I do. I’m gonna not care how things affect others just like they obviously dont care how certain things affect me. They’re not responsible for my emotions and I am not responsible for theirs. All I can do is explain and defend myself. And yes it is worth it everytime. I dont care if it cause more of a problem. They’ve said their piece and im not just going to shut up anymore and not say mine. I have as much of a right of defending myself as anyone else. I have a right to speak my mind and for others to listen to what I have to say. I listen to what others say and by golly, they will hear me too.
Anyway, Stephen and I had a great day yesterday. I had a good brunch with Allie and Sara. I had a good time with memen and francis at spizzico and the point today....Overally, life is good and I cant complain. I just need to rant sometimes so I dont keep all this is my heart. Maybe I can understand them better too. I am honestly more concerned. Thats where the anxiety comes from. I don’t know. The more I interact with my older sisters, the more I like having the space between. They’ve just been different. I thought they’d be the same as they were when they were my age. I thought when I turned into my 20s I’d be hanging out with them, and they’d be proud of me. But recently they’ve just been more judgmental. It feels a little hypocritical of them. I hoped that I could be more open to them and now i just want to close my self from them. I was hoping they’d be more sympathetic. But I just feel like a burden. I just feel like I’m leeching off others. Feeding from their energies and finances.
Except for memen and francis, right now, I have very little to live for. I dont really mean that anymore. I wanna live for me. They just bring me down when they see me getting up and I’m a little proud of myself for that.
Nah, somedays I just reeally want to kill myself to spite everyone. Honestly, fuck you guys. You know I can’t make it on my own out here and yet you still kick me out. You know I can’t make it out there and you still tell me I can’t stay long enough because I’m suicidal. You know I can’t make it on my own in the world right now and yet you make me feel worried about living here and expect me to call you friend. You know I’m having a hard time trying to wrap my head around everything and you dismiss what I have to say, then lecture me of your own philosophy as if it was truer than my own without even giving me a chance to speak my mind completely.
I’m just done with being dismissed. with not being heard. I’m done with others having strong opinions and once I express my strong opinions it gets only negative responses. I just want to express myself and have someone like me to be understanding on the other side just like others can express themselves in front of me and I have nothing but respect.
I just want to be validated. I just want to be heard. I just want someone to sympathize, to see me as I am. They dont need to accept me, they dont need to like me, but I just want to be seen as a person who can have her own opinions and her own morality too. I just want to be seen. I just want people to stop looking at me as if I’m translucent. I want people to see my genuine self and go about their day. I’m not a bad person.
I just want someone to tell me, you’re doing your best.
I’m doing my best.
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Arplis - News: Arlyns Warm (& Sort of Last-Minute DIYed) Holiday Reveal
Spoiler alert: This starts sad, but I promise a happy endingjust like your favorite Hallmark movie. Yes, its a post about decorating for Christmas, but its a bit of a journey (and your prize for sticking around is seven tips for a pretty holiday look without a ton of planningnext to a cash reward, what more could you want, hm?).
Before moving to LA, I had a long-standing Christmas tradition that involved a sleepover at my place with my twin nephews. Wed go buy a fresh tree, head to Target to pick out their yearly ornaments (and okay, I usually caved and bought them several when they couldnt pickauntie privilege), and settle in for the night with a big ol cheese pizza and tons of candy to decorate and watch holiday movies. When I left Florida, my absolute favorite weekend of the year stayed behind along with my family, and frankly, I didnt feel festive enough last year to decorate. Sure, I bought a tree and then proceeded to cry my way through placing all the memories from years past on it (like I said, no this whole post wont be one giant Joni Mitchell River-esque depressing monologue). But, its been almost two years, and I realized that it was time to start making some new traditions, starting with proper decorations to set the scene for the season.
By proper, I mean nothing more than something that actually brought me joy. In my last home, I didnt care even the tiniest bit about my Christmas aesthetic. Id throw around scraggly bows, dangle strange garlands in places that would inevitably fall off (left unfixed until January). While I appreciate a classic, kitschy look, this didnt make me happy. Looking back, it was a lot like the holiday aisle at Big Lots come December 26sparse, random and nowhere I wanted to be. BUT THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT. Guys, I really actually tried, and whoa, I love coming home. I get so jazzed to know Ill walk through that door after work to all the fairy lights on (thanks, timers) and all I need to do is light my pine-scented candles.
When I first discussed decorating and shooting my place for the blog, I told Emily I would take the more last-minute DIY angle for this story, except, ha, I should know myself better than to think Im a DIY person (have I talked about the unfinished dining chairs sitting in a corner of my master bedroom enough times for you to understand the stakes here?). Im more of an early minute buying personif we can all agree thats the opposite of last-minute DIY, but dont worry Emily, I pulled out a few stops even for me to salvage this story. Really, though, its an excuse to show you guys my living and dining rooms again, this time just festooned for Christmas using nearly everything Target, because those guys have affordable holiday decor on lock.
Aside from what I bought, there were a few things I planned on doing going into this: dried oranges for garland and ornaments, and the addition of real greenery to anything faux for a lusher more natural look, but more on that in just a bit when we get there. Lets start in the living room:
Creating a Christmas Couch With Simple Textile Swaps
Swapping out textiles seasonally always felt to me like the equivalent of womens magazines telling me when I was younger that Id be going from day to night far more often than I ever have (never). Who was really doing this? Sure, my mom would throw a random Christmas pillow on the sofa when I was younger, but a full swap was absolutely something Id NEVER consider doing. Except well, for the sake of this shoot, I did it, and guess what. IM OBSESSED WITH IT. Dont knock it til you try it.
I left one of my everyday pillows out because it played well with everything else, but Im half tempted to never actually switch them back. Im officially living the cozy life and DONT MAKE ME GO BACK. But seriously, seeing that Fa la la pillow and those little gold embroidered Christmas trees fill my heart with childlike wonder and joy and Im now a winter textiles swap person (once I figure out a more permanent solution than throwing my year-round pillows and blanket in the guest bedroom).
Neutral Tree + Homemade Goodies
The (Christmas-celebrating) world is divided into two subsects: those who take no issue with faux trees, and those that choose to torture themselves with a real evergreen. I am the latter. Every year, when it comes time to recycle this baby, I curse myself for the massacre of needles. But alas, I cant be stopped and I will always opt for a real tree. This is a noble fir that I picked up at Lowes and it has that gappy vibe everyone is into right now. I like how you can load up a branch front to back and things dangle so nicely, sparkling and dazzling in the twinkle lights.
As for the decor, this is actually the first year in a long time I went with white lights. Ive always been a colored-lights just throw crazy stuff up on the tree and call it a day girl (correction: let your small nephews throw crazy stuff up on the tree and call it a day). Someone once asked me if I changed my trees color motif every year and Im pretty sure I rudely laughed in their face before I realized they were serious. No. I am not that person. This is why this year, once I realized that oh wait, people will be seeing my home and I needed to try, I opted to go for something a little more neutral so I could build on it over time. I also had a box full of handmade and drawn ornaments from my nephews that I needed to be sure made it up on those branches (see the paper and crayon snowman, for example). Theres enough going on in my apartment that something a little more minimal didnt make me want to crawl out of my skin a week into the merriment.
Because I wanted some color, I thought to do what evidently everyone else on the internet also thought to do this year: dried oranges as ornaments. I definitely did not get the mailer that must have gone around to tell everyone this was the look of 2019, but regardless, I love it. Some string (in a white and red becauseChristmas), a bag of small oranges and a few hours to dry them out in the oven (Erin from Francois et Moi has a great tutorial here) and boom, I supplemented my tree for about$4. LAST-MINUTE DECORATING LIFE HACK. Put dried oranges on just about everything and you have an instant holiday lewk that feels warm, unpretentious, welcoming and a wee-bit British (i.e. all I ever want to feel).
Some of my favorite ornaments I scooped up this year with my nephews top of mind: the sloth, the fabric Santa, the clip-on glittery birds, and the ceramic turtle doves (I promptly forced my husband Charles to sit and listen to why I got those to represent our undying love). Oh goodness, and I cant move on before discussing that Cookies For Santa plate and milk jug. No, there are no children in my house, but when I saw it, I knew I needed to hoard it for the day that there are because every year my sister runs around trying to find something to put cookies and milk in and it always ends up being an awkward mini loaf pan or something and this feels like a pat yourself on the back for planning ahead moment that I wanted to put on display.
Mix Real + Faux
HOT TIP: Faux garland is so great for using year after year and traditionally, I used to think it looked very fake, but Target has some good stuff. I went with their faux white pine and berries strand here and over the archway and Im so happy with them. This one is 72, so, maybe dont be like me and instead measure before you figure out how much of something you need. I ended up with about 8 inches of bare mantel and had to guinea rig a solution. The left side there, by the candlesticks, is actually a piece of faux greenery also from Target in the same color/finish that I added to the end and BOOM, fixed.
Once I put the eucalyptus wreath on the door, however, I realized it was much cooler in tone than the garland and side by side, they looked a little jarring. My solution? Get some actual eucalyptus (I had some leftover from my Thanksgiving tablescape) and shove in pieces of it about every 6 inches or so. This accomplished two things for me: it married the color/style gap between the wreath and the garland, but it also brought some life to the faux-ness. (Again, this stuff is good, so it doesnt NEED it, it was just a visual preference for me).
Can we talk about the cutest stocking? Growing up in Florida, a land devoid of mantels and fireplaces for obvious reasons, we were not a stocking family. Every now and then, my mom might tie some to the stair banister, but they were never full of anything. Well folks, thats over. I live in LA now, a land with NON-FUNCTIONING fireplaces, but fireplaces nonetheless. LA is all about illusions after all, so as long as it looks like a fireplace, thats all that matters, right? Throw some fairy lights in, no problem (and maybe light some candlesI used these candlesticks from Targetif youre brave and attentive for that real fire feel). This knit guy with the poms is maybe my favorite thing I got this year but HEAVY (hence the nutcracker on top of the stocking holder for that oneI have a little cut-out in the molding that meant less stability, but itll probably be fine if you have a normal 90-degree angle on your mantel).
And, in one of my favorite last-minute moves to use up random leftovers of things, I took some ribbon I had bought for my gift wrap, tied a little piece into a bow and velcroed it to this art piece. Dressing up your artwork can be SO fun for holidays (remember Emilys googly eyes over that oil portrait?). Its so unexpected, costs basically nothing and will get everyones attention, I promise.
Sprinkle Christmas Cheer Throughout Other Vignettes
This whole post should be titled Never Underestimate the Holiday Styling Power of the Bottle Brush Tree because if you look closely enough, there is absolutely one in nearly every shot angle of my home. I threw some on my console table, on a side table, on my coffee table, on my TV standand just WAIT until you get to the dining room. Bottle brush tree galore! They are very affordable and if you dont mind glitter sprouting from nearly everywhere until the end of time, theyre almost all you need to fill in your home with some Christmas spirit outside of the big moments (tree, fireplace). Same goes for leftover ornaments, pieces of greenery (such as free scraps from the tree lot), and super budget-friendly figurines, like these reindeer that make me so happy.
That blonde wood bowl is VERY good guys, and I will absolutely be leaving it out year-round, but for now, it screamed FILL ME WITH JINGLE BELLS so I had to oblige. These are 2-inch bells and honestly just so dang fun. Put them in a vase or bowl but save a few to sprinkle throughout other vignettes (or on a gift!).
The last moment I threw together in this room was the bench by my window. I moved the rust-colored velvet cushion into the guest bedroom (which honestly, I treat like a storage unit, so I know this is not a universal solution) and draped my sheepskin pelt a little asymmetrically. I gotta say, Im quite proud that this placement was my first go at it. The less fussing you do sometimes, the more effortless things look. I over-ordered pillows for my sofa, but thank goodness, because they worked great on here. The green pillow with the poms is SO cute and you might not see it here, but it has these little wood beads at the base of the pom pom which makes it extra special.
Alright, lets move this party into the dining roomafter you.
Accentuate Your Architecture
Ever since I saw Ginnys garland-bedecked archway into her dining room, I dreamed of being able to do the same thing. So when I stepped foot into this apartment for the first time, I instantly knew it would fulfill my greenery-over-archway dreams. This is three pieces of faux garland, hung with some small nails I dug out of an IKEA art hanging kit. Because of my 100-year-old plastered and heavily textured walls, Command hooks simply laughed the THREE times I tried themin three different sizes and configurations (both the laughter and hook type). I finally gave up and went to get the hammer. Cant wait to patch those holes come January, trulythough worth it to me.
Implement a Big Holiday Moment (Thats Actually Really Easy)
Over on the console, I went for a sort of kind of holiday village. It was my initial vision to do a jam-packed Christmas village here, so I bought what felt like hundreds of trees and houses, and then I put them all down and the credenza ATE it. It was like starting with a pan full of fresh spinach and ending up with 2 tablespoons of cooked spinach. My dreams were dashed and I came up with plan B: mix in everyday things with some holiday feels and pretend it was your plan all along. Im actually very happy with it and dont think I havent sat at my dining table some mornings and nights just looking over here with a twinkle in my eye and sugar plums dancing in my head. When you boil it down, its really just three new vignettes: the two bottle brush trees + seasonal candle (above), a footed bowl with some leftover greenery and bottle brush trees (below) and ceramic houses with some fairy lights shoved up into them on top of books which were already there (photo after next). Oh, and some oranges from the grocery store because #theme.
My favorite thing about this whole scene is probably those beautiful wreaths hanging by velvet ribbon over the windows. I LOVE a wreath-over-window (or, as youll see, mirror) moment and two windows meant I had two chances to do it in this room. Quickly: Im very much obsessed with this wreath. It looks so high-end with the dangling brass bells and it matches the garland in the living room, so both spaces speak to each other.
Over on the bar, my vintage gilded mirror called for another ribbon-hung wreath, but I went for the faux cypress leaf version instead to keep things more minimal. The addition of some new brass barware (the Project 62 line looks really good, folks) and a few bottle brush trees and voila, my holiday bar.
When In Doubt, Keep It Simple (For Real)
When it came to what to do on my table, this was REALLY a last-minute DIY situation because I had no idea (which is typically the case with my table). The day before this shoot, Emily texted me that she had some leftover garland at her house from her shoot, and I could come grab some if I wanted. So grab it I did, not knowing what I planned on doing with it, but I ended up throwing it on the table just to think and when I finally came to, I realized it was exactly where it belonged. I pulled out my kitchen sheers because I do not have clippers (apartment living), trimmed it to size and pulled out some small, cheap glass votives I had in my cabinets already to make things moody. AND THEN, I had some extra oranges from my tree ornaments and I just scattered some throughout to connect both rooms visually.
But wait, theres more. At the last minute (okay, the night before), I wanted to give the room more of a casual party vibe and wanted a dessert set up, so I ran out to Ralphs with the intention of making something with the zero minutes I had left in my life to whip up a baked good and found a pre-made bundt cake instead. A simple glaze (though Im sure you could find one glazed already), some cranberries I rolled in sugar, and a smattering of fresh sage leaves is all I needed to fool Sara into thinking I had actually made this when she made it over to shoot. SEMI HOMEMADE TRICKERY.
I will most certainly be doing this again in the future, and if you do, as well, everyone will think youre a domestic goddess. Set out some cute appetizer or dessert plates (these from the Hearth & Home with Magnolia are super cute with festive sayings on them that are subtle but still fun), flatware and napkins, and with very little effort, you just became the hostess with the mostest time to actually blow dry your hair before people show up.
And thus ends my holiday dissertation. It started out bleak, but I promised it would end on a high note, and theres no higher note than being pulled together enough to maybe put some curls in your hair (at least for me).
I rounded up ALL the goods I got from Target below in a few groupings, and yes, at the end of the season, you might find this stuff is sold out either in-store or online, so for that Im SO sorry, but ALWAYS check your local stores because they restock or people make returns and you might just find what youre looking for. Oh, and for a few more exclusive tips, I wanted to share the story Ruemag.com featured of my home as well, so check that out if youre interested. Thanks for stopping by and the happiest of holidays and the merriest of Christmases to you all.
1. Wooden Ornaments Set of 3 | 2. 28 LED Battery Operated Wreath | 3. Lit Up House Ceramic Christmas Ornament | 4. 13 Lit Gold Metal and Capiz Star | 5. 3ct Glass Christmas Ornaments Set Birds | 6. 72 Faux White Pine Garland with Berry | 7. 8ct Glitter Pine Cone Ornament Set | 8. Green with White & Gold Wreath Gift Wrap Roll | 9. 40ct Shatter Resistant Veranda Ornament Set | 10. Fabric Santa White Ornament | 11. Embroidered Tree Skirt | 12. Ceramic Birds Ornament | 13. Sloth Ornament Ornament | 14. Artificial Cedar Stem w/ Pine Cones | 15. Cream w/ Black Swiss Dot Gift Wrap Roll | 16. Faux Leaf Ball Ornament | 17. Truck with Bottle Brush Tree Ornament | 18. Philips 300ct Incandescent Mini String Lights
1. Large Gold Glitter Christmas Tree | 2. Christmas Nutcracker Figurine Gold | 3. Knit Square Throw Pillow with Corner Poms | 4. Holiday Stocking Sour Cream Knot with Red Poms | 5. Milk & Cookies Stoneware Set | 6. Small Gold Glitter Christmas Tree | 7. Wooden Oval Bowl with Handles | 8. 2 16pc Jingle Bells Vase Filler | 9. Cream Faux Fur Oversized Throw Pillow | 10. Embroidered Trees Velvet Throw Pillow | 11. Holiday Stocking Green Stripe | 12. 3pc Taper Candle Holder Set | 13. Texture Faux Fur Throw Blanket | 14. 3pc Mini Deer Figurines | 15. 10 12pk Unscented Taper Candle Set | 16. 2pk Basic Stocking Holder | 17. Large Mercury Glass Christmas Tree | 18. Fa la la Velvet Oversize Lumbar | 19. Clear Glass Vase Large | 20. Channeled Faux Fur Throw Pillow | 21. 4pc Green Flocked Bottle Brush Trees | 22. Large Bottle Brush Tree | 23. Philips 50ct Battery Operated LED Dewdrop Lights | 24. Small Ceramic House
1. 24 Faux White Pine Wreath with Metal Bell | 2. Set of 4 Linen Napkins | 3. 3pc Bottlebrush Trees | 4. Stainless Steel Cocktail Strainer | 5. 4pc Bottle Brush Christmas Tree Set | 6. Stainless Steel Cocktail Stirrer Spoon | 7. Ceramic House Figurines | 8. 5pc Stainless Steel Kayden Silverware Set | 9. 4ct Seasonal Appetizer Plates | 10. Oblong Brass Footed Bowl Gold | 11. 4pk Napkin Set Green | 12. 18 Faux Cedar Wreath | 13. Dew Drop LED Lights w/ Copper Wire | 14. Bottle Brush Tree with Wood Stand | 15. 2.5oz Stainless Steel Double Jigger
***photography by Sara Ligorria-Tramp, design and styling by Arlyn Hernandez
The post Arlyns Warm (& Sort of Last-Minute DIYed) Holiday Reveal appeared first on Emily Henderson.
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source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/arlyns-warm-sort-of-last-minute-diyed-holiday-reveal
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