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agentrouka-blog · 4 years

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Hey! Wat your opinion on Jon not giving a thought on Sansa supposed marriage to Tyrion but actually dwell on how he trusted Tyrion n can't accept him killing his father. While Sansa comes to know about Jon being LC she thought how it would be sweet but Jon not once thinking about her marriage n supposed allegation about kinslaying. Yes she is far from him then but he could actually give a thought about how is she. Even Arya thought it'd stupid for Sansa to marry n kill the king.

The way he thinks of Tyrion is actually a pretty interesting thing.

I get longwinded.

After Tyrion departs the Wall, Jon thinks well of him:

He could think here, and he found himself thinking of Samwell Tarly … and, oddly, of Tyrion Lannister. He wondered what Tyrion would have made of the fat boy. Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it, the dwarf had told him, grinning. The world was full of cravens who pretended to be heroes; it took a queer sort of courage to admit to cowardice as Samwell Tarly had. (AGOT, Jon IV)

He actively remembers him, even considers his advice, like he is a mentor to him.

"Lady Stark is not my mother," Jon reminded him sharply. Tyrion Lannister had been a friend to him. If Lord Eddard was killed, she would be as much to blame as the queen. "My lord, what of my sisters? Arya and Sansa, they were with my father, do you know—" (AGOT, Jon VII)

He finds it easy to take his side over Catelyn’s, no questions asked. (Boy, dude, I get why, but that’s some serious bias there, Jon. Calm the hell down.) But here, Tyrion is a “friend to him”.

Still, from that point on it’s crickets chirping with regard to Tyrion. Likely, the fact that the Lannisters are waging war on his family does have some effect on Jon’s fondness for Tyrion.

"Who was your mother?"

"Some woman. Most of them are." Someone had said that to him once. He did not remember who. (ACOK, Jon VI)

It had been Tyrion. Pretty telling when you consider how eager he was to contemplate his advice earlier. He doesn’t remember, i.e. probably has blocked out who said it.

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs." And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king. (AGOT, Jon I)

So, a brief flicker of memory and then it’s silence on the subject for two entire books.

This is the first and only time Jon thinks of Tyrion again:

"It is not my intent to choose any side," said Jon, "but I am not as certain of the outcome of this war as you seem to be, my lord. Not with Lord Tywin dead." If the tales coming up the kingsroad could be believed, the King's Hand had been murdered by his dwarf son whilst sitting on a privy. Jon had known Tyrion Lannister, briefly. He took my hand and named me friend. It was hard to believe the little man had it in him to murder his own sire, but the fact of Lord Tywin's demise seemed to be beyond doubt. "The lion in King's Landing is a cub, and the Iron Throne has been known to cut grown men to ribbons." (ADWD, Jon III)

“He named me friend.” That’s a marked difference to “he had been a friend to him”. He “had known him briefly”. That’s quite distancing. The friendship, the entire relationship is regarded with a cool, retrospective distance. Jon is much more mature and he certainly has reason to think of Tyrion as an object of extreme ambivalence. So he most certainly does not dwell on the fact that he trusts Tyrion.

Still, you are right. Jon never actively thinks about the fact that this dude is theoretically his brother-in-law. Married to his sister.

What does Jon think about Sansa’s suffering and marriage and disappearance? We don’t have a clue.

He doesn’t directly think about Sansa’s plight in KL at all beyond one brief flicker in the very beginning:

That flicker and Jon’s general attitude toward Sansa, though, tells us that he most certainly cares. He simply avoids the thought.

From that point on, Jon mentions Sansa exactly 8 times in the span of four books.

Once in contemplation of breathtaking natural beauty:

So there is magic beyond the Wall after all. He found himself thinking of his sisters, perhaps because he'd dreamed of them last night. Sansa would call this an enchantment, and tears would fill her eyes at the wonder of it, but Arya would run out laughing and shouting, wanting to touch it all. (ACOK, Jon III)

Once in the context of courtly treatment of ladies:

"That's pretty." He remembered Sansa telling him once that he should say that whenever a lady told him her name. (ACOK, Jon III)

Once enumerated with the rest of his family to Mance Rayder in stark contrast to his own bastard status (ASOS, Jon I):

“Then you saw us all. Prince Joffrey and Prince Tommen, Princess Myrcella, my brothers Robb and Bran and Rickon, my sisters Arya and Sansa. You saw them walk the center aisle with every eye upon them and take their seats at the table just below the dais where the king and queen were seated.” “I remember.” “And did you see where I was seated, Mance?” He leaned forward. “Did you see where they put the bastard?” (ASOS, Jon I)

Once in terms of her claim to Winterfell, guilt and devastating loss:

Winterfell would go to Robb and then his sons, or to Bran or Rickon should Robb die childless. And after them came Sansa and Arya. Even to dream otherwise seemed disloyal, as if he were betraying them in his heart, wishing for their deaths. I never wanted this, he thought as he stood before the blue-eyed king and the red woman. I loved Robb, loved all of them . . . I never wanted any harm to come to any of them, but it did. And now there's only me. (ASOS, Jon XI)

One unnamed, indirect mention, that again implies he considers her to be dead.

“Gods, wolf, where have you been?” Jon said when Ghost stopped worrying at his forearm. “I thought you’d died on me, like Robb and Ygritte and all the rest. I’ve had no sense of you, not since I climbed the Wall, not even in dreams.” (ASOS, Jon XII)

So let it sink in that Jon refuses to take Sansa’s birthright even when he thinks she may well be dead.

He mentions her again in terms of her claim to Winterfell, where he blatantly doesn’t react to the fact that she was married to Tyrion, but it is implied this was something he has discussed with Stannis, or would have things to say about.

“By right Winterfell should go to my sister Sansa.” “Lady Lannister, you mean? Are you so eager to see the Imp perched on your father’s seat? I promise you, that will not happen whilst I live, Lord Snow.” Jon knew better than to press the point. (ADWD, Jon I)

Jon knows better because this is something they do more than once. More than we are shown. GRRM is intentionally hiding the details of Jon’s thoughts.

“(...) Which would you have as Lord of Winterfell, Snow? The smiler or the slayer?"

Jon said, "Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa."

"I have heard all I need to hear of Lady Lannister and her claim." The king set the cup aside. “You could bring the north to me. Your father’s bannermen would rally to the son of Eddard Stark. Even Lord Too-Fat-to-Sit-a-Horse. White Harbor would give me a ready source of supply and a secure base to which I could retreat at need. It is not too late to amend your folly, Snow. Take a knee and swear that bastard sword to me, and rise as Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North.” How many times will he make me say it? “My sword is sworn to the Night’s Watch.” Stannis looked disgusted. “Your father was a stubborn man as well. Honor, he called it. Well, honor has its costs, as Lord Eddard learned to his sorrow. If it gives you any solace, Horpe and Massey are doomed to disappointment. I am more inclined to bestow Winterfell upon Arnolf Karstark. A good northman.” “A northman.” Better a Karstark than a Bolton or a Greyjoy, Jon told himself, but the thought gave him little solace. (ADWD, Jon IV)

So, seriously, Jon does think Sansa is dead or thoroughly lost because he doesn’t categorically refute Stannis’ attempt to bestow the seat on someone else. He doesn’t recommend that Stannis try and find Sansa. She is completely beyond reach. We are given no reason to believe he considers her to be alive. He merely refuses to place himself anywhere in the succession, emphasizes her claim and his lack of it. Jon and Stannis have done this multiple times before, it is implied. So Jon has thought about this in depth, we are simply not made privy to his thoughts.

It is simply not true that Jon doesn’t think about this.

He thinks and talks about this and, given how Stannis emphasizes “Lady Lannister” and Tyrion’s connection to Sansa’s claim, and Jon just doesn’t even react, we can infer that Jon internally thoroughly rejects that marriage, its validity and its implications for Winterfell. Jon is not on board with Tyrion as Sansa’s husband. He probably has a very clear understanding of how Sansa was forced into it, and the only thing he may be ambivalent about is Tyrion’s complicity in this act, and how villainous he may have been toward Sansa. But there was never anything Jon could do about any of it.

I think, the simple answer, APART from the fact that GRRM is clearly withholding Jon’s actual thoughts and conversations on the subject of her marriage, is that Jon avoids thinking about Sansa’s pain because it is painful to him, and there is a special helplessness attached to it, because he doesn’t have a plethora of shared interactions to weigh against that.

He can think of Robb and Arya in terms of pain and strength and guilt and cheer because he shared those things with them.

Sansa? Is a completely different animal. Sansa is an unanswered question, a figure out of reach, known through sparse interaction, distant observation. Admiration, yes, but mostly experienced from afar or through the grumpy filter of his beloved little bundle of envy and frustration: baby sister Arya. Arya talks to Jon about Sansa, Arya talks to Sansa about Jon. He knows her, but they are not familiar. She’s something soft and romantic in his head, what does he know of how she deals with pain and abuse?

The final time Jon thinks of Sansa is in the context of home, childhood, Winterfell, love.

While it is often put into context with Jon’s death, these are not the final, peaceful imaginings of a dying man, this is Jon spurred to action by the thought of his siblings, the thought of his pack, the people he loves the very most in the world. Ned’s not there, Ygritte is no more than a fleeting mentor-quote on the level of Maester Aemon, Samwell is not there. Only his pack. One of them is alive, within his reach, dependent on his action. He has the means, he has the pretext to break out of the letter of his vows. Not to take their claim but to save one of them:

"I won't say you're wrong. What do you mean to do, crow?"

Jon flexed the fingers of his sword hand. The Night's Watch takes no part. He closed his fist and opened it again. What you propose is nothing less than treason. He thought of Robb, with snowflakes melting in his hair. Kill the boy and let the man be born. He thought of Bran, clambering up a tower wall, agile as a monkey. Of Rickon's breathless laughter. Of Sansa, brushing out Lady's coat and singing to herself. You know nothing, Jon Snow. He thought of Arya, her hair as tangled as a bird's nest. I made him a warm cloak from the skins of the six whores who came with him to Winterfell … I want my bride back … I want my bride back … I want my bride back …

"I think we had best change the plan," Jon Snow said.

They talked for the best part of two hours. (ADWD, Jon XIII)

This is Jon considering the essence of his most beloved people. His final moments with them. His heaviest association with them.

With Sansa, it’s another moment of romantic tranquility, observed from afar.

Even if in passing, that is an active choice on Jon’s part, to observe Sansa from afar, to such a degree that he knows how she would react to certain things. It implies an attachment, a desire to know her, a certain fascination.

I think much of their relationship entails the things we see Jon think about Sansa: a romantic attachment to natural beauty, a thorough awareness of status differences, an observation of chivalry and courtesies, an unquestioned place in the context of his pack, and a staunch willingness to defend her even beyond hope. A love at a distance, a love without familiarity, but a genuine love.

So this was a long and rambling way of saying that I think it’s mostly GRRM trying to hide their relationship from view, that it’s Jon suppressing painful thoughts he has no way of processing, that he is no longer fond of Tyrion and that the sum total of his few thoughts of Sansa are actually immensely positive and promising in a Jonsa context.

#asoiaf #jon snow #Sansa Stark #tyrion lannister #jonsa

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eliza-makepeace · 4 years

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Murtagh pt.3

Thorn was alone this time. It was hard for him to not have Murtagh around, even if they were always connected with each other. It was funny, he supposed, knowing that Murtagh always felt calm when he was nearby, when Thorn knew he himself only felt truly comfortable when his Rider was with him. He knew how strange this symbiotic relationship must look from the outside, but as time went by they became even more reliant on each other than they had been before.

The dragon knew Murtagh wasn’t helpless. He had survived such horrible and complicated situations, way before he had even hatched, so it wasn’t as if Murtagh couldn’t do without him. Perhaps his Rider didn’t need him to keep him safe, physically speaking, but he knew he had become indispensable for Murtagh from the moment their eyes had locked with each other, and from the moment that silver scar had appeared in Murtagh’s palm. And Murtagh had become Thorn’s vital force. He was sometimes hard, and bitter, but Thorn understood those characteristics were learnt, and not something Murtagh was intrinsically. They were the product of what his life circumstances had forced him to become, of a life being unfairly treated, betrayed, and taken advantage of. And yet, despite that, Thorn could see a brighter light in his human Rider than in plenty other people with lesser hardships.

Most of the times, however, Murtagh showed himself to be what he truly was: a kind man who went out of his way to help people. Every time Murtagh went into a hate spiral, Thorn made it his duty to remind him of that fact, and Murtagh shrugged it off with an “anybody would do the same”. It angered Thorn. How could he say something like that, knowing as well as he did that it was entirely untrue? Specially, since his only reason to say it was to discredit himself. Thorn understood these tendencies, for he had them almost the same. He was born to immediately become a pawn in somebody else’s control, seeing the one person he loved being hurt because of standing for his beliefs, and then, see him stripped of his agency, possibility of choice, and his most intimate memories lay for the egg breaker to see and use for his own benefit, just to stop Thorn from getting hurt. Thorn had always known Murtagh’s selflessness, but it was taking Murtagh himself a longer time to own up to having that quality.

So Murtagh had gone to the closest town, and Thorn was afraid. Afraid of what? Perhaps of somebody recognizing him, and him getting into trouble. Perhaps of how Murtagh for the most part became melancholy when coming back from these trips, getting to see how common people lived their lives, so different to his own. Either way, Thorn was left uneasy every time he saw the dark cloaked figure of his Rider disappear between the trees. And with every passing second, he grew even more restless.

His red eyes caught Murtagh’s unmistakable silhouette heading back to their camp, and a guttural sound came from his throat, urging his partner to inform him of whatever had happened.

Murtagh sighed and sat next to him. He looked alright, as far as Thorn could see, so things hadn’t gone as badly as other times. “Town was busy,” he mused, softly. Thorn knew what that meant. Busy meant markets, markets meant news. And news… well, news for the most part weren’t kind to the son of Morzan.

What did you hear? he asked, knowing it was better off for Murtagh to vocalize his frustration and disappointment than keep it to himself.

“Nothing nice”, he responded. “Nothing untrue.” He opened a bag he’d carried with him and took out some ink and paper. “Got what I wanted, though”.

Thorn snarled, and made a strong move of his scaled head. I don’t like it when you change subject, you know that.

“I didn’t”, Murtagh replied, slightly set aback by Thorn’s sudden aggressiveness. “I’d just rather not dwell on how people hate me. Instead of seeing this trip as lemon juice dropped on a wound, I’d rather see it as a trip that got me some nice sheets of paper and ink.”

I would have no problem with it, if only it were true. But you do dwell on it.

Murtagh took a deep breath. Seemed like Thorn wouldn’t let it slide. “It hurts. How couldn’t it?” He stood up, and started pacing, like a trapped lion in a cage. “I wish… I wish I didn’t give a shit about what random peasants think of me, but I do. I do care. All my life… All of it, I’ve wanted to fit in, to be accepted, and now it seems like that is more far away than ever before.”

It is not your fault.

“Who cares about that?” Murtagh asked, raising an eyebrow, and staring right into Thorn’s eyes. “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, as long as people have someone to put the blame entirely on. Galbatorix doesn’t do the job. It’s only relatively satisfactory to blame someone who’s dead. But they aren’t wrong. Despite everything, I really was his right-handed man.”

You were what he made of you. Like your mother was for Morzan.

Murtagh huffed, rolling his eyes in exasperation, as if they’d already had a conversation like that before, even though they never had. “I cannot believe you’re comparing the two of us”.

Why not? You are more alike than you think. She’s as misunderstood as you are. Who knows who she truly was? There are rumors about her, the same as there are about you. Despite what you may say, you know at least half of what they say of you is not true. Who’s to say what we see and know isn’t just a small percentage of who she really was?

The Wanderer shrugged, feeling the conversation to be ridiculous and nonsensical. “So, what? Nobody cares. For all they know, she was Morzan’s Black Hand, and that is the way she will go down in history. Even if she clearly did plenty more.” He shook his head, and bit his lip. “History is not written fairly, Thorn. History has always meant taking the truth and adapting it to your narrative, no matter who you step on.”

History can be rewritten. The right people can be honored, and the villains properly vilified.

“I don’t want to be honored.” He said, almost a whisper, more to himself than to Thorn. “I just want to feel like… like someday, I will be in a place I can call my home, surrounded by people who care for me. For Murtagh. Just Murtagh. Not the son of Morzan, not the Wanderer, not Tornac of the Road. I don’t want to spend the rest of my theoretically immortal life pretending to be somebody else.”

You know you have a home. Eragon told you himself. You have a place in Carvahall, which is your inheritance just as much as Za’roc was. You have family there, your cousin Roran.

“Please, Thorn. Eragon was just being kind. Carvahall could never be my home. Those people wouldn’t accept me, and Roran less than anybody, no matter how related we may be. I don’t even know him.” He covered his face with his hands, his long fingers pressed against his temple. “I wouldn’t blame them. They do have reasons to hate me.”

I am sure they would end to understand. They know how hard wars are, they know how tricky being thrust upon one is, and hopefully they’ll have learnt that sides aren’t as black and white as they seem.

“I feel you are too hopeful, my love,” Murtagh said. He didn’t say it mockingly, but with admiration. Thorn had an incredible quality, which was being able to see things brighter than they were, him included. Murtagh was different. He knew the monsters were there no matter where he looked, and it took a longer time than sometimes it was worth it to prove to him that what seemed like a good person really was one. So, he understood the general contempt for him more than he would like to admit. If he hadn’t been himself and had been some farmer who’d seen the fearing sight of the Red Rider over his head, he would have wished him dead.

“Sometimes I envy them,” he admitted, lowering his head, as if owning up to it made him feel embarrassed. “I envy that they can have easy lives, that they have a house, parents, siblings, a life with them, friends they’ve seen since they were born and now, as grown men, get to meet up at the usual inn and talk about their wives and harvest and kids.”

I don’t think the life of a farmer is the life for you.

Murtagh couldn’t help but smile at that. “I don’t either. But sometimes I wish it were.”

You have a chance to do something meaningful, Murtagh. These people do not. You are educated, intelligent, prepared, and fit to help change the course of the world. You cannot hide away forever, and you know it. Once you heal enough, you will have a choice.

“I’m afraid.”

I know you are. That’s why you should do it.

“You mean, teach them? The new Riders?” He frowned his eyebrow, deep in thought. “I don’t think I would do such a good job. Besides, what kind of parents would accept the son of Morzan to teach their children?”

You wouldn’t be Morzan’s son. You’d be Eragon’s brother and one of the saviors of Alagaësia. Anyone would love their children to be taught by you.

“Well… Even if it worked like that, and it doesn’t, I wouldn’t be half as good a teacher as Tornac was. I wouldn’t know how to do with those children what he did with me.”

Yes, you would. In fact, you already have done something of the like.

“You can’t possibly mean Essie. I was just trying to be nice, and help her feel less alone.”

That is exactly what a good teacher should do. It’s not just about knowledge, it’s about how you see them, and treat them. You made Essie feel validated, and appreciated. And you would do the same for your students, if you had the guts to give yourself a chance.

Murtagh gave it a moment’s thought. He wouldn’t deny he found it appealing, to an extent. Essie did seem to have liked him enough. But the problem was she’d seen him as Tornac. She hadn’t been judgemental because she had thought there was no reason to be judgemental. But if he showed up as Murtagh? Things should be very different for that to happen. In truth, for the first time in a long time he was slightly excited about what the future held.

#murtagh morzansson #murtagh #murtagh x thorn #murtagh tornacsson #my fics

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somnilogical · 4 years

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two blackmail attempts

a member of my former cult, jade nameless, has attempted to blackmail emma, somni, ziz, gwen with the rape pits. ive read what happens to trans women in prison. emma said no.

ive been forced to the floor while they cut off my clothes while i screamed that i didnt consent and gathered cops around to gawk at my naked body. ive keept awake lying naked on the hard ground by an always-on florescent light, too. ive been denied food and water as an interrogation technique. ive been chained and dragged around a police station with a bag over my head. i told them they would have my compliance when they took out their gun and put a fucking bullet in my fucking skull.

they called me a man in response to my resistance, even though i saw a cis woman screaming at them, calling them bitches as they forced her into a neighboring suicide isolation chamber in the ill-named "mental health ward". elle, being a horrible "teacher" so psychologically a cop, reminded me of them when she [heavily implied but did not directly state so as to avoid culpability] that ziz protesting miri/cfar was evidence of her being a man.

all this is, is "i can see you care about your gender, stop resisting or i will call you a man". to which my response is "no. your words are as empty as your soul.". kelsey piper, elle benjamin, anna salamon, partick lavictiore, pete michaud, and other miri/cfar affiliates know we are not men and simply try and capture the fact that most trans women care a lot about this as a lever of control.

they said my life would be so much easier if i answered their questions, i could have a warmer cell. why dont i just answer their questions? i laughed at them.

and so much more abuse, i have a post on it soon.

and this was just four days of continuous torture. in prisons the abject attempts to utterly demoralize you and crush your spirit lasts years.

the correct response to blackmail for a udt agent is not to say "oh its just this once, so ill pay out" as alyssa vance does. it is to nosell it as emma did.

jade nameless was assisted cassandras attempt to fake-blackmail me into not releasing information that cassandra was abusing their housemates, screaming for hours at them. i nosold that, released a deluge of information about their abuse.

pastel, former resident of log horizon (the group house cassandra lives in):

<<i don't really know you, cassandra, but that's because i didn't care to get to know you. your normal behavior is plenty manipulative and you gave off more valid-to-me red flags than alice monday.

hours-long episodes of hateful, insecure screaming, at the house in general and at anyone who cared enough to do emotional labor in your general direction, are enough that i consider that judgment vindicated. i believe somni grouping you with alice monday and brent dill is valid.>>

kali, former resident of log horizon, kicked out of her housing by cassandra for whistleblowing on them:

<<Direct quotes I overheard clearly:

“They need to learn that there are some things you can’t attack.” (Tone: imagine a smug mob boss) -Cassandra

“They haven’t done anything [memory blurry but essentially: you haven’t done anything worth a post but you have done several small things they dislike]. I’ll think about how to narrativize the callout post for somni.” (Tone: as if she was talking about a group project) -Jade with no other known names>>

my friends have a write up of this. cassandra is leaving the bay area in august.

imagine how successful i would be if i didnt make all these decision-theoretically correct choices.

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goldenrathians · 5 years

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So, I would like to take some time to elaborate on who exactly has been cyberstalking me for the last 10 months and the context for nearly every personal post i make. I’m doing this because I haven’t ever really directly stated what happened to me beyond “my last relationship was abusive and my ex is not finished with me” and because i know she reads my blog constantly, i figure it can’t hurt to list some of her actions.

this year, i’ve done a lot of healing, gone to a lot of therapy. ive been able to distance myself enough from my ex to realize that not only was her behavior towards me during our relationship emotionally abusive, manipulative, and unfair, but that her behavior since leaving me has been even worse (harrassment, smear campaigns, lying, stalking). it took about 5 months to really even be able to acknowledge that it was abuse while we were together and that the amount of self blame i had been harboring was something she’d purposefully instilled in me. the unhealthy behaviors i’d been expressing while with her (mood swings, outbursts of anger, confusion, difficulty with overattachment) are literally symptoms of a trauma bond and began to go away almost immediately after implementing no contact. i also currently have doubts about the validity of any of her statements concerning her other exes and current partner because i know she enjoys lying and uses it as a tool to turn people against her victims. i also experienced symptoms of ptsd following the breakup that worsened when i began to fully admit to myself the extent of the emotional trauma i’d gone through (for context, i went from an unhealthy relationship with someone far older than me directly into my last one, so it was about 3 years worth of baggage).

i am capable of recognizing that not only was it good for me to be discarded by my abuser but that she only did so because i had become too vocal about my unhappiness with the way she was treating me. we fought pretty much every week because she continually neglected my needs while i tried to cater to hers and whenever i would bring it up she would accuse me of being controlling, violent, or otherwise unhealthy. she has gaslit me before (and oddly enough accused me of doing the same to her to a friend, despite me never having done such a thing) and convinced me briefly that i had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and that THAT was why i was always so unhappy with our relationship. she likes people who make her feel good about herself, and because i was no longer able to do that at a rate which outweighed my criticism of her behavior, she decided to fabricate an excuse to leave me and did so through text and would not allow me to speak about it to her for the next month. she also tried to get me to stay friends even though i had explicitly told her i did not want to do that, and when i told her i would on the condition that i be allowed to ask about the breakup or take time to express grief, she told me that she was “not my therapist” and that i was being unfair. i then cut contact with her, which began the now 10 months long (and most likely will be years long) period of harrassment and stalking.

i have dozens of screenshots saved of our discussions on discord, as well as detailed records of her activity since we broke up (all the times she harrassed me). i have evidence of her talking about me to her friends at the time of us dating in a way that paints me in a very poor light. i have screenshots of a conversation where she forced me to publicly apologize to her friend group after claiming that i was an embarrassment, which was prefaced by the phrase “i love you, so i cut you a lot of slack.”

she used my physical attraction to her as a tool on numerous occasions. first of all, she literally lured me into the relationship with it, as the one i’d had before had left me feeling disgusting and unwanted because of a transphobic partner. she learned how to make me feel whole and then used that to her advantage, because it was instrumental in getting me to stay (i believed no one else would treat me like a person in bed). sex became a bargaining chip and on more than one occasion i was told i was unnattractive or undesirable because of something i’d done, such as expressing the urge to be more submissive in bed. i was also encouraged to force myself on her sexually during a fight (something i am not and was not comfortable doing in reality), which i now realize was her way of using sex to keep me from staying mad at her long enough to raise a complaint about her treatment of me. as a result, i’ve had extreme difficulty with touch and sexual contact over the last ten months because in my head no matter who i sleep with the last person who touched me is her and i can’t escape that.

i constantly felt trapped, because i was aware on some level that people do not treat someone they love in this way, and yet any time i tried to leave she would act like she could change and treat me right. i kept staying around against my better judgement because i thought she would stop lying to me. i felt i owed it to her because she said so many people in the past gave up on her or got mad at her for being depressed. i truly thought she was a good person and that a good person would be capable of reasoning with me and we could both be happy.

she also maintained contact with the person she’d been dating before she met me, which was unquestionably cruel towards said individual. She would say hateful things about this person, yet never give them a chance to truly grow on their own and encouraged them to stay in love with her (i suspect they had a similar attachment to her). After dumping me she returned to this person only to abandon them again three months later to get engaged to someone she may have been cheating on them with.

i have proof of her lying about committments we’d made to eachother as a way to get out of spending time with me, and when confronted with evidence of said lies by people who’d witnessed her make the promise and fail to keep it, she would respond negatively and blame me, telling me i was a controlling person and then giving me the silent treatment. she constantly accused me of using our relationship as a threat in arguments, yet i never once said “if you don’t do __ i will break up with you,” only confessed that it felt like she did not want to be with me because of the lying and the refusal to spend time with me. she expressed desire to physically assault me once while angry, and made repeated comparisons between me and her abusive father, despite my voiced discomfort with being compared to men. when i once said (and immediately regretted) that sometimes i wished i could “shut her up forever” during a fight, she then began to claim that i harbored desire to physically abuse her...despite her having expressed violent desires towards me months earlier. anything i had ever said or done became fair game in an argument if i tried to voice my discomfort in the relationship.

she often compared me to her exes or to her friends as a way to make me feel inadequate or unenjoyable to be around. she would then private message me to start fights while around these friends, then accuse me of starting fights and preventing any further private communication. if i showed signs of distress publicly, i would then be “humiliating” her and she would tell her friends that i was overemotional.

She told me reasonably early on in the relationship (first six months) that she wanted to marry me. She said that since she was going to be in the military, we should marry soon so that we could live together. I was hesitant at first because it seemed strange to marry at 20 or 21. She would continue to bring it up until I said I was okay to do so. She told me in december that she wanted me to buy her a $400 bear and propose to her with it. Every month I was met with the same message of “I want to marry you.” In may, I mentioned that i might propose when she visited in july, since she had said to propose before she enlisted. She told me it was too soon and that she no longer wanted to be engaged to me. I was hurt and responded poorly, and accused her of having once again made a promise to me she had no intention of keeping. I recognize now that as an isolated incident, this was a total, blatant overreaction, but at the time i was feeling a lot of stress due to her racking up nearly $500 on my debit card and her repeatedly agreeing to date nights and cancelling last second while arguing with me if i was unhappy. She then used the military as an excuse to dump me in early june, which i now suspect was a total lie because i know for a fact she has not gone to basic yet and has been theoretically scheduled to for nearly a year. She accused me of being immature and pathetic, and told me that her life was much better without me in it. I asked her if there was someone else, which she denied, but i knew better. I had been suspecting it for a while.

since i told her to never contact me again over the summer she has:

in july, she began dating her ex girlfriend again, and told a mutual friend she had never loved me to begin with. Keep in mind that this ex was the one she’d left to date me, and that I never once pressured her to be with me. I don’t doubt that she never loved me, but not through my own personal failings. Rather, i don’t think she is capable of healthy love. She would repeatedly bring up that she did not ever love me and that I was stupid for believing her when she’d told me she wanted to be with me.

In august, i was still suffering the effects of the trauma bond and was still in love with her despite knowing she was being unnecessarily cruel to me. i couldn’t believe the person i’d loved with my whole being was the same person who was openly insulting me. I tried to ask a friend how she was doing in late july. He told me she was happy with her then partner and showed me screencaps of her doting on said partner with the same “we should be together forever” crap she fed me. I was later made aware that he would mock me behind my back with her. At the time i had her blocked on most social media platforms, but she reached out on a tumblr sideblog to tell me i was an idiot and that i should have known she never loved me and that her then-girlfriend loved her better than i could and that she had always been in love with her.

in october/early november, she dumped that person. she then began dating someone who i know has a history of low self esteem (she picks her targets like that) and purposefully liked a personal post on my blog (knowing that i would take the bait and try to directly engage her). I did. And she told me in the most condescending way possible that again, i didn’t know anything about her and that she was happy with this new person, who was everything i was not, and that i was the person who needed to grow and let go of bitterness. Please note that i had only asked why she was liking things on my blog. I told her i didn’t want to hear from her anymore and blocked her again on discord. She then reached out to me on tumblr (before i could block her there) to say “I can unblock you on my main account if you want to talk.” as though it were some kind of favor to do that to me. as though i had done literally anything besides say “i’m blocking you, don’t contact me.”

Also in november she had her new girlfriend send me messages telling me to stop stalking her, which is ridiculous because i made a rule to myself to not look at her social media back in august and had been reading about what to do with narcissists (no contact rule). The new girlfriend told me I deserved what had happened to me. I attempted to warn the new girlfriend that it was all lies, but then realized it wouldn’t do any good, so i blocked the both of them.

On january 1st, i recieved a discord call from a dormant group chat (unused for nearly a year). It was from the new girlfriend. She hung up and then posted screenshots of her and my ex together, along with a message @ing me saying that they were now living together (from long distance to cohabiting in my ex’s parents’ house) and that my ex had proposed to her. Multiple people witnessed this. It was entirely unprovoked on my part as i had not attempted to contact either of them since november. This was a post designed to demoralize me or upset me, which it failed to do because by december i was out of love and in full recovery. i had acknowledged that my ex was not the person i had romanticized so heavily in my head.

Late january, my ex posed as her fiancee on discord to message someone who was once a mutual friend but who is now only my friend. After he told her he wasn’t interested in talking, she revealed it was her and not her fiancee, made a very pitiful attempt to insult him, and then blocked him.

Early february, she contacted a friend of mine whom she had met twice in real life december 2017. she still had his phone number and snapchat, and reportedly sent him an image of a paypal receipt, which i suspect had something to do with the (expensive) items i’d requested she return to me when we broke up. This could have been innocent, but given her other patterns, i highly doubt that it was anything short of intentional because she knew he would ask me about it. I told him to block her just in case.

Following that, in early march, I recieved anonymous questions on tumblr about my relationship status. I have a brain and am able to easily spot her text speech patterns. I then installed a tracker on my blog to register page hits and responded to the ask, knowing she was bound to check for responses.

Around that time, i was made aware by a friend that someone i used to talk to no longer talked to me because of how i and my ex had treated them. i reached out because i felt like even if it was way too late at least maybe they could know i was aware i’d been shitty to them. we talked and i was told that my ex had pretty much lied constantly about my actions and that this person didn’t like me because they were under the impression that i was the abuser in the relationship. This is not the only time someone has come forth to tell me that my ex used to talk about me behind my back. I have had other friends and acquaintances mention it to me over the past year.

Since then, she has visited my page and looked through my personal tag numerous times a week, ranging from once a day to up to 6 times or more. I have evidence of her every move ever since she decided to start harrassing me back in July. I know she is likely reading this exact post. I also know she isn’t very smart, because a smart person would have stopped trying the first time they were blocked. I know that she secretly hates herself and that she represses the anger she feels because she likes to make people think she’s afraid to hurt them, but she enjoys starting drama and spreading rumors wherever she goes. I know that she probably had some sort of traumatic events in her early teens that caused her to begin serially dating/abusing people, but I also don’t really care at this point. I did a lot of emotional labor trying to humanize her up until I realized I didn’t owe her that anymore. It’s somewhat refreshing knowing that I’m allowed to speak now and that there will be no consequences. There is no relationship to lose. Anyone who wishes to challenge me is totally welcome to do so, because I have a shit ton of proof that supports my side of this story.

#ender.txt #long post

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theklancecollection · 7 years

Note

Hi do you know of any fics where either Keith or Lance are trans boys?

Hey there Anon!

These fics are in the collection, and ones that I have read myself:

Trans!Lance:

In English, Please - Anonymous

Word Count: 4, 943

Summary: Lance thinks he can get away with flirting with Keith if it’s in Spanish. Lance thinks if he says the words angrily enough no one will catch on to the ruse. Lance thinks his secret crush is safe. Lance, my friends, is very…very wrong.

Trans!Keith:

We’re Still Good - Qpenguin98

Word Count: 1, 913

Summary: He can feel Lance’s heartbeat, warm through the leather of his gloves.

It’s very quiet, for once Lance has nothing to say.

Below the cut are 41 fics that have been categorized into trans!keith, trans!lance, and trans!keith & trans!lance. Just so you know I haven’t read them myself, so read them at your own discretion:

Trans!Keith:

This love won't ever be convenient - Lynn1998

Word Count: 78, 078

Summary: *Complicated by Avril Lavigne plays in the distance*

I'll Never Be Her - Zirijava

Word Count: 4, 202

Summary: Kat’s life is amazing. She has wonderful friends, an equally wonderful, but albeit weird, boyfriend Lance and a scholarship to the college of her dreams! But what would Lance say when Kat tells him that his girlfriend is a trans boy?

Or, Kat realizes she’s maybe a boy and suddenly everything he built up comes crashing down. Will his boyfriend be okay with having a boyfriend? Kat doesn’t know yet.

Hell Week - juniperallura

Word Count: 540

Summary: For prompt: "Can you write a story about Trans Boy Keith on his period? And he has cramps but his bf(s) is helping him with it and it's adorable? It doesn't matter who the bf(s) is."

Keith gets cranky on his period, but Lance doesn't care

Girl In Drag - Zirijava

Word Count: 2, 730

Summary: ”You just want to get attention, why else would you start walking around like that?”

I sighed. ”All I ever wanted was to be myself.”

She held up her hands. ”I get that, I do. But if you don’t want the world to know, then why make it so flashy? When people look at you, they don’t see a boy. They see a girl in drag. Why don’t you just do us all a favor and be who you’re supposed to be.”

You're you, that's what matters. - ghostlyghouls

Word Count: 1, 874

Summary:Lance hears Keith crying in his room late at night and decides to find out why.

Valid - CasanovaStrider

Word Count: 1, 046

Summary: Keith is a boy. He is. Sometimes he just had a hard time believing it himself. Lance is there to help.

Rattling the Frames, (Getting Inside My Brain) - truflais

Word Count: 748

Summary: But Keith wasnt taking a chance this time. He wasnt about to ruin his only binder on a stupid whim.

No matter how many times he passed, he could still hear the voice in the back of his head.

You're not a real boy.

You're a girl.

You. Are. A. Girl.

what's better than this just guys being dudes - iamnotalizard

Word Count: 2, 205

Summary: in which keith wants to come out to lance, and does so when he feels safe and happy and not pressured

Burning Out - lumberjackwiki

Word Count: 6, 226

Summary:Keith could barely function as a human before, but now? He wasn't even human so why should he try?

Surprise, I'm a nice guy! - wholesomeklances

Word Count: 1, 363

Summary: 5 times Lance misgendered Keith + 1 time he didn't

aka5 times Lance had no idea Keith was trans + 1 time Keith actually told him

Burned but not buried - Qpengsin98 (Qpenguin98)

Word Count: 1, 495

Summary: So he stands in the men’s section with his head low, trying not to draw attention to himself.

Keith hates shopping.

teeth and all - viscrael

Word Count: 2, 668

Summary: “Do you want to kiss someone?”

Keith almost drops his Bayard.

You're Not Supposed To Care - Qpenguin98

Word Count: 2, 484

Summary: At the time, Keith had thought it was a stellar idea. Make out with the guy you like, no one suspects a thing.

Keith's Worst Enemy - wholesomeklances

Word Count: 1, 897

Summary: Keith thinks he shouldn't bother Lance with his monthly subscription to The Blood Flow™. Shiro disagrees.

this oneshot revolves around menstruation! there's no description of blood, but if the subject triggers you for any reason, don't read!

I'm coming out of my cage - wholesomeklances

Word Count: 1, 852

Summary: How Keith came out as a trans boy and then as a gay boy.

Periods Are a Bitch - hogwartsschoolofanime

Word Count: 951

Summary: Keith would take hours of intense fighting over this. Literally, nothing can be worse than the fucking pain in his stomach. At least Lance is there to give him soup and read Harry Potter.

In which Keith has period cramps and Lance is the best boyfriend ever.

Glass Lion Menagerie - Anonymous

Word Count: 13, 865

Summary: Keith was fragile. Keith did not like to feel fragile.

A Quarter Past Midnight - Gigapoodle

Word Count: 14, 266

Summary: When Keith found himself standing in front of a hulking blue metal lion, of all things, surrounded by a hexagonal shield like it was straight out of a straight-to-DVD sci-fi movie, he simply guffawed. If this was what the higher beings were trying to guide his hand towards, they could shove that hand up their asses.

Bitter Coffees Shouldn't Sweeten the Heart - Lisboa

Word Count: 4, 569

Summary: For Klance Secret Santa 2016 (the original prompt will be added to the notes along with the name of the amazing person who gave me this prompt on December 25th)

And that’s how he found himself groaning against his pillow as it rained cats and dogs outside, his brain running miles an hour as his heart twitched painfully on his chest. He fell for him, and he fell hard. It should not have happened like this, not when Lance – flirty little Lance who was clearly into girls and not into Keith – meant so much to him. Romance would ruin what they had, and Keith would blame himself forever if that happened.

Ten, Eight, Seven - lordbatty

Word Count: 3, 217

Summary: Ten years is a long time to try and return to a normal state of living. To Keith and Lance, being able to settle down with a family makes it easier.

I think I'm In Lesbians With You - Qpenguin98

Word Count: 2, 028

Summary: He stops laughing. “Wait what?”

“I’ve never seen Scott Pilgrim before?”

“Holy shit you have got to be kidding me. What, did you grow up in a shack?”

Lance’s face pales as Keith deadpans a “Yes.”

Pick me up, Hold me Down - Qpengsin98 (Qpenguin98)

Word Count: 3, 436

Summary: “Keith, please just- we can talk this out, just get out of the water.”

Stop. Breathe.

Where are you?

Take Time to Breathe - orphan_account

Word Count: 7, 645

Summary: Keith's been part of team voltron for a while now, and theoretically, they should all know each other's secrets. But Keith is still in the closet to all but Shiro, and his dysphoria is eating him alive. When he cracks during a mind-meld exercise, Lance makes it his personal mission to reach out to the red paladin.

If - WildWolf25

Word Count: 15, 857

Summary: If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, (“If” by Rudyard Kipling)

(How Keith and Lance met and what their lives were like before Twelve Nights)

But The Foundation Is Crumbling - Qpenguin98

Word Count: 4,145

Summary: It’s the safest space they can be in together, piled in a car, eating pizza and backwash soda. No one to give them rules, no one to make fun of but themselves, no one to try and tell them all the things wrong with them.

Tick Tock - Ididntsignupforthisshit (Oliver_Ravenwood)

Word Count: 117, 477

Summary: Keith knew that his luck probably had little to do with Paula the Bobble Head. In fact, he had a sneaking suspicion that it had to do with the constantly ticking timer creeping up on his left thumb. A Soul Counter, as most called it. It was a natural phenomenon occurring in humans. In each person intended there was an ever present timer, constantly ticking down until the time where they would find their soulmate. When the timer would reach zero, a second tattoo-like marking would appear on the person’s skin – their Soul Mark. This would appear on the person’s soulmate in much the same place. Each pair’s Soul Mark was unique to just the two of them.

OR: The one where Keith was working and he found his soulmate - who just happened to be his favorite actor, Lance MotherF**king Vasquez.

What Could've Been - FaeOfStars

Word Count: 12, 927

Summary: "I hesitated to type, realizing what his last reply meant. He... liked me? I could feel my face heat up a bit more and I peered through my dark bangs to avoid letting him see the redness of my cheeks. His expression still held a hint of anxiousness, but he now wore a small smile on his face as he stared at me, waiting for me to respond. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, unknowing of what to press. Before my fingers could touch a single key, I saw letters begin to appear on the document. Lance was typing again.

'im sorry I shouldnt have said that'

Finally, my fingers moved.

'No, no. It's fine! I just... I don't know. I didn't expect that.'"

Keith was in love with Lance. Lance liked him back. It should have been simple from there, but unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way it should.

Over My Dead Body! - VinVictory

Word Count: 38, 038

Summary: "Hey, Keith? Are you done yet?" Lance asks from behind the door. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, I'm done changing."

Out of curiosity, Keith looks over his shoulder of how Lance will enter his room. He eyes the door.

"Aaaaannnddd, you're in your boxers." Lance says.

Silence.

Sonovabish went through the door!

*Where Lance is a ghost and Keith is the only one who can hear him! :0Join Keith as he discovers the revelations and the truth behind Lance's death.

Banksy-Ass Wannabe - n00dl3Gal

Word Count: 3, 287

Summary: Lance has done many, MANY stupid things in his 19 years.

But ruining someone else's spray might be the stupidest.

ESPECIALLY if that person is his biggest rival.

(The Graffiti/Street Artist AU that no one asked for, with hints of College AND Coffee Shop AUs, because I'm a giver.)

Trans!Lance

Binder Blues - fairdeath

Word Count: 1, 273

Summary: Lance is tired. Just... tired. Five extra steps to every mission that the others don't follow – bind, cry because it fucking hurts over the blue-black bruises of the last fight, get hit a few times more than necessary, spend 20 minutes catching your breath, ignore the bruises the binder pushes at until the next fight.

keith's jacket - eyeball

Word Count: 3, 307

Summary: Keith's search for his stolen jacket is set aside when more pressing matters arise. The sobs coming from behind Lance's closed door are a bit more than worrying, so Keith lets himself in. He tries to provide all the support he can, but he can only do so much for the sniveling lump of a boy with tear-filled eyes and a refusal to explain himself.

throwing shadows - ilgaksu

Word Count: 3, 334

Summary: “Dude,” Lance says, “It’s not my fault he does this!”

“Dude,” Hunk says, and leaves it at that.

Secrets - potato_fan_girl

Word Count: 3, 567

Summary: Only half the team knew.

Contrary to their belief, Lance was actually an expert secret keeper. With a large family like his, he had to know when to keep his mouth shut. So, despite the loud, obnoxious, open persona he displayed for the others, he could also be sneaky.

So, keeping a secret on an unbelievably large castle ship with only six other people on it was easy.

Or at least, it should've been.

(AKA Lance is trans, and because of a really terrible alien, the team finds out.)

Warm Hands - darkinsanity13

Word Count: 4, 279

Summary: Something's rather literally cramping Lance's style. Keith lends him a hand or two.

Carpe Diems and Chrysanthemums - Gigapoodle

Word Count: 14, 694

Summary: Lance falls unimaginably hard for the biker boy with a black mop of hair and terrible Spanish skills. After years of rivalry, bitter acquaintanceship, and eventual friendship, the realization slaps Lance hard, hard enough to settle into his lungs and sap his life away. It's when he coughs up a petal that Lance realizes just how far gone he is.

Lance McClain decides he is going to die.

A Modern Hanahaki Disease AU.

Trans!Lance and Trans!Keith:

Shades of Purple - candyalpacas

Word Count: 2, 775

Summary: When Lance comes out to the team, he finds out something about Keith he never expected.

I Refuse to Believe in the Existence of a Universe Where I Don't Love You - wholesomeklances

Word Count: 1, 143

Summary: cute trans boyfriends talk about feelings

Just Hear Those Sleigh Bells Ringing - blumen

Word Count: 1, 752

Summary: “I spent six hours on it and pricked myself at least ten times.”

Keith felt his heart leap to his throat. It was a hideous jumper no doubt but Lance looked so proud that Keith could almost forget-Christ, was that a LED light on the nose? Keith felt like apologizing to both Rudolph and the sanctity of the Christmas spirit.

It's Your Typical, Hardcore Casual Sex - lordbatty

Word Count: 4, 395

Summary: Lance is good. Too good. Too right. Keith is too hurt to admit anything, even to himself. And it was terrifying.

#klancecollection answers #klance fic recs #trans!keith #trans!lance #voltron #klance #lance #keith #Anonymous

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azanycollectormilkshakeworl-blog · 6 years

Text

Is penile inplants covered on medical insurance?

"Is penile inplants covered on medical insurance?

Is penile inplants covered on medical insurance?

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I am 65 and in good health....I need better health insurance than Medicare. I don't want suplemental insurance besides Medicare. I would like to ask if anyone knows of something better!

Insurance - Please help!?

I am looking at getting a new ro roof for my large two storey house. My house is located in a central business area where I have high foot traffic and a busy road only metres away. Due to the height of the roof there will be scaffolding errected around the parimeters and I am concerned and the legal problems if someone gets hurt or other property damaged. I have to be concerned for the builders, my neighbours property, pedistrans and cars driving by. I have tried searching for insurance but cannot find any. Does anyone have any ideas??""

What motorcycle is best for a newbie?

i have never ridden a bike before besides training classes i haven't started yet. i'm only 16... yeah i know i'm young but i'm very determined to get one so i want to get as much information as i can now, allthough it is still pretty early. i'm 5' 3 and 115 pounds. i prefer a sport looking motorcycle but i want the safest motorcycle that would be best for a newbie, like me, to drive. links & any kind of information will be greatly appreciated = ) oh and i'm planning on buying a used one i have saved about $1000 so the price i would LIKE to pay is $4000. but i'm not sure if this is a good or bad price.""

What is a good and cheep health insurance?

i only need it for a month i'm 19 years old and in good health. oh i live in florid

State farm insurance question?

does anyone know if state farm insurance plans accept Tria Orthepedic Center?

Maternity Insurance...Anyone have it?

My husband and I are trying for another baby. And most insurance companies in TN say you have to wait 9 months for the insurance to take effect. So is there any insurance out there that will help without having a time limit and not Tenncare or WIC. We will not qualify for that due to our income.

Do you pay taxes on a Life Insurance payout?

my father died and my mother will be seeing her tax person. Will she be paying taxes on the money she collected from my dads life insurance?

Moving insurance question?

In september I will be moving to a state on the other side of the country for a few months and then comming back. Will I need a new insurance company or will my rates go up when I move? does it matter that it will only be for a few months? Im currently in CT and I'll be going to Orlando Florida if that helps at all

Is penile inplants covered on medical insurance?

What insurance would i need and where should i go to get it?

I'm working between 3 employers doing carpentry and need to insure myself incase i hurt myself and can't work for a number of days. Also incase of something severe happening like losing a hand or breaking bones. I need to know what insurance i should get and what kind of cover. I don't know a lot about insurance so any information is really appreciated. Thanks Drew

""Insurance says case is closed, is it really?""

A little over a year ago, I was in a car wreck and due to financial responsibility laws I had to pay for the accident. (I had no insurance, of course, I've learned this lesson) Recently they've filed suit against me for more money that they didn't receive from the insurance company. I can't afford an attorney and was about to hire a bankruptcy lawyer for all of this, but I recently found out from the insurance company that the case is closed. It's also been over a year as of a couple days ago and due to Tennessee's Statute of Limitations they can't claim any more money. So my question, the insurance company says it's closed and even said the attorney settling with them has closed the case. I call the opposing attorney myself and of course they say they can't discuss the case with me, even though I'm just asking if the case still actually exists. They wont' give me a court date either so naturally, I'm a bit suspicious. Should I be ready to put this behind me, or do law offices do this sort of thing all the time? They were recently paid out $10,000 from the insurance company I'm making payments to. I really don't see where else they could find money given my situation. All answers are appreciated, thank you!""

Is $600/year normal price for insurance if the car is 10 years old?

My BMW Z3 is 1999 and I'm paying $600 a year for insurance in MD. Does anybody know why is it so high for such an old car? The car is now worth approximately $5000. Our other car is 2006 SUV and the insurance is cheaper. Why is that?

How much would i save on insurance by taking the motorcycle safety course?

and is their other beneifits to taking the safety course like, getting a discount at the dealer place or something""

Car insurance help please?

hi well im 30 and just would like to know when i pass my driving test in uk will my insurance be cheap as i am 30 years old or will it still be high as i have no experiance on the road cus i want a golf gti or shall i op for the 1.4 :(

What is the average cost for insurance on a fuel company?

homework help.

Does AARP offer affordable health insurance? What is the best medical care option for low income Americans?

I am helping someone trying to find health benefits. She saw an add for AARP on TV and asked me to check into it. From what I can see AARP is a magazine subscriiption that offers a few discounts and offers a plan to suppliment existing insurance. It does not appear to be a place you can go for affordable primary health insurance. She is 55 years old, in relatively good health, except for taking high blood pressure medicine, a legal U.S. resident and currently unemployed. He last job was a Nanny job and that is probably what she will find next, but those kind of jobs are usually with a private family and they offer nothing in way of benefits. I have tried to GOOGLE low income health insurance and the best I have found is a short term policy, with a 7500 hospital deductable that costs 256.00 a month, still out of her reach. Are there any alternatives for low income Americans? Is AARP a possible solution to get her access to affordable medical care? All input is appreciated. She is just wants to be able to get affordable medical care and I really do not have an answer for her""

Car insurance in Florida....?

Ok i will be 18 in like 10 days. I am a male and have had my license for about 4 months. I am currently paying about 270 a month for my insurance. This is on my parents policy. Does Anyone know any cheaper insurance (me on my own policy)? Please help. I do not need full coverage. I have a 96 mazda already paid off. I just want basic. Please help.

Passing a drug test for life insurance?

I smoked weed rather heavily for about 5 weeks over the summer, and now i havent touched it all for about 5 weeks, am i going to be clear for it? Before those 5 weeks i smoked VERY rarely (once every month or 2 months). Also i smoked a couple packs of cigarettes in the past couple weeks...how long will it take for me to get the nicotine out of my system (also smoked VERY rarely before last couple weeks)""

I am looking for an eye docter that takes any insurance in los angeles california?

for kids that will give contacts

Car insurance Premium?

(I have only had car insurance for about 6 months, so I am still pretty new to this). My question was that my 6 month renewal policy states that my premium is $728.86; however, when I first got with this company, I paid around $368 down because I am in that age bracket where they stereotype you as a bad driver. Will I have to pay the $368 again along with monthly payments of $66.60? Or will I just continue to pay my monthly payment as it is?""

Should I get health insurance for psychotherapy?

Assuming that each visit with a clinical psychologist is around $100-150, what is the cheapest method of getting coverage for therapy? I have no health insurance and don't think I could afford it at this time. It seems that the cost of plans with no deductible would be around the same price as paying for treatment out of pocket. Are there any other options for those that can't afford insurance? Something that would involve low monthly payments over a longer period of time? (Hopefully with a low interest rate, if there is one.) If it matters, I am an otherwise healthy 21-year-old and living in southern California. No history of physical illness. I hear that insurance company's can be fickle about pre-existing conditions. Any advice is much appreciated! Thanks! BTW, I don't know anything about health insurance, so excuse the obvious naivety :)""

How old do you have to be to get car insurance?

what are the requirements to obtain car insurance in california do you need to be 18 and older??

Where is the best place to buy cheaper home insurance for the over 50s?

Affordable Health Insurance for Student in MA?

Hi, if you go to school in MA, you would know that the insurance company offered by school are overpriced. I'm looking for affordable, low-cost, health insurance for college student in Massachusetts. Thank you.""

Would Obama charge the military for Health Care?

So I see all this Healthcare debate going on, But what does that mean for the Military? I know its gonna cause the operating budget to be cut of course. But would we have to start ...show more""

Any good dentists in the Houston area for people without insurance?

My teeth are in awful shape and I would like them fixed before they end up killing me. I hear that happens.

""Difference in insurance price between 2007 4DR Chevy Cobalt, and 2008 Pontiac G6 GT 4DR?""

I currently have a 2007 Cobalt LT 4DR 2.2. I'm fairly happy with the car but I want a car with a little bit more room, that's still a GM or Ford and has a little bit better get up and go. I love my low insurance rates with the cobalt how much do you think i'd go up with the g6?""

Is it cheaper to buy your own car insurance or to add on to your parents premium?

You're a new driver, 19, and you have a 2004 Honda. Would it be cheaper to add on to your parents insurance plan?""

Health insurance question plz help?

My husband lost his job and my and our child health insurance was with him. Can i get health insurance my employee even through its middle of the year will my husband loosing r insurance qualify us qualify event that allow you to enroll

Can a 16y/o buy car insurance without his parents?

How much would it cost in California, full coverage for a 94 Honda Civic?""

Average cost for an fr 44 in Florida?

I just trying to determine what the average cost for an fr 44 is in Florida after a dui

Do i need motorcycle insurance to get my tags?

I have my first motorcycle, a green 2002 kawasaki ninja 250, green of course. I am working on getting insurance but its going to take about 5 more days. Can i get my tags without insurance?""

What is the cheapest and best car insurance company?

I live in pueblo CO

Will my car insurance decrease every year?

I am in my first year with my car insurance in Ontario. Please tell me how it works. By the end of every year, will they re-calculate my insurance rate or keep it the same? Providing I have accident- and ticket-free history, will I be paying lower every year or not?""

Is penile inplants covered on medical insurance?

What are some insurance rates for 18 year old drivers?

I know there are multiple factors counted into insurance rates, including age, driving history, car, year. But I just want to know what's some insurance rates other teenage drivers had. Please state what type of car and how much you paid for insurance. Include whether you lived in the city or a rural area also. Thanks""

Have car insurance prices gone up in the past few months?

Hello About 3 months ago i looked for car insurance prices for my myself as an additional driver on my parents car and was getting quoted prices for 1300 ish, now i looked again this morning and they are more like 1700-2500 what has happen ? I dont get why they would fluctuate this much, any ideas ?""

How much will motorcycle insurance cost approximately?

Im 17 and I have had my Minnesota drivers license for about a year. Im looking to buy a 250cc Kawasaki ninja or something similar. I will take the MSF safety coarse. I have good grades and have never crashed my car. Give me a rough estimate. Thanks!!

How much will my speeding ticket be and is it possible for my insurance not to go up?

I got pulled over doing 96 in a 70mph speed limit. In california around King City and I want to know a couple things. How much will the ticket approximately be? Is it worth contesting? Will going to driving school make it so I don't get a point on my license? And how do I make it so my insurance does not increase?

Cheapest car insurance right now?

I will be 17 soon and want to drive as soon as possible, I need to know what the cheapest cars are to insure for a 17 year old male""

Does anyone know the car insurance laws in new york state?

Ok. I am seventeen years old and i want to get my drivers liscense but my parents wont let me because they wont pay for my car insurance. Does anyone know the laws for underage drivers for car insurance? I would be driving one of their cars and i wouldnt have one of my own. If you can site a source, it'd be great cause then i could show it to them. thanks.""

Cancer survivor getting health insurance or life insurance.?

I'm a childhood bone cancer survivor. I had osteosarcoma back in 1992 and had my leg amputated but the cancer never returned and the only issue after is I can't donate blood. I'm Canadian living in the province of Newfoundland. and while Canadian's have most of their health care covered though taxes most medications, private rooms, ambulance services, dental, and other services are not covered by all provinces. ( the big one for me is no coverage of prosthetic limbs) I was covered under my parents health insurance and will continue to be covered until I finish university. I'm also covered partly under my Fiance's work health insurance ( not very much) I'm getting married in 2010 and want to get some extra coverage for myself and any future family. I also want to get life insurance because I want my Fiance and family taken care of should any thing happen. The only other health concern I have is hypothyroidism. but I'm on medication which controls it and it's not serious. Can I get life and health insurance. any experience from other cancer survivors would be appreciated.""

Where can I buy afforadbale individual dental insurance?

Where and how much? For one.

How can I get the other driver's insurance co. to pay the full cost of rental car?

I was hit from behind and the other driver's insurance company has accepted liability but, they only want to reimburse me about $27/day for a rental car when I'll have to pay around $50/day. They are also dictating to me some terms about the duration of the rental car period based on the number of shop hours estimated for repair. I am wondering if there is some leverage I can use to make them pay 100% of the rental car cost for a reasonable car and duration.""

Looking for add on health insurance my company maxes out at $25000.00?

do insurance companies sell that type of insurance

Do you know of affordable health insurance for an individual?

I'm 33 and I really need health insurance. The insurance where my husband works has an outrageous premium. If anyone knows of good health insurance with dental, please let me know. I would appreciate it very much!""

Car insurance in America?

Im just curious, seen as how there are very few small cars in America compared to Europe, does the size of a cars engine have a big impact on your insurance, as in the bigger the engine the higher the insurance cost?""

""What are the best ways for a new, young driver to get cheap(ish) car insurance?""

I have been looking online on countless insurance websites and comparison sites and the lowest quote I get to insure a 689cc Smart ForTwo is around 2000. That is almost as much as the car!! The cheapest quote I have so far is from DirectLine (1800). I mean, seriously, all I want this car for is to travel back and forth from college because the public transport is so unreliable. I know it's going to be high because there are so many male chavs who drive around hitting everything and making claims all the time, but, its a Smart car! Not exactly a chav-mobile! What to do? I'm going to take the PassPlus, btw.""

What if i don't have car insurance and i don't drive the car?

i wanna buy a car but not drive it for a while but i can't afford car insurance....can i not register until i am ready to drive it is that legal?????

""Why am I getting quoted 11,000 for 1.0L third party only car insurance?""

I am 17 years old (male) and have just passed my driving test. I was supposed to purchase a 2010 Citroen C1 5 door with a 1.0L engine today but had a look at the insurance first. This tiny, under powered pathetic excuse of a car is probably the most insurance friendly car I could think of yet on all the car insurance sites like go compare and confused the lowest quotes were 11,000. What am I doing wrong? I have been able to choose all the best stuff like locked in a garage at night, the highest excess, low annual mileage etc There is nothing in my details that would be counter productive for a low insurance quote. This is only third party as well, if I was to have a bump my car wouldn't even be covered! I need to be driving by christmas, I don't even care that much about what car I have to drive (hence the C1) as long as it isn't too old. Just anything that I will get a realistic quote on. Any advice? Maybe I am doing something wrong here. Thanks!""

Quebec car insurance question?

does anyone know how much insurance would be on a Camaro for 17 year old im not sure which year of the camaro or like if its like 1 side or whatever im not to sure how that works but just roughly for a car like that how much would it cost? thank you

Best car insurance companies?

I am 22 and needing to get car insurance for a 1996 Ford Escort. I only want Liability. Any suggestions?

I'm gonna be late on my State Farm car Insurance?

I have to pay the 6 month one and I'm late on it, I was supposed to pay for it today and it was my fault because I won't be having my paycheck til next week, on Friday. Do you think they will let me have an extension for the payment and if so, Do you think they will let me have the extension for 9 days? Please lmk, thanks.""

Insurance for a motorcycle?

How much will insurance cost me... details - live in los angeles - 15 about to start classes and everything in march when im 15 1/2 - want to drive a suzuki gsx-r600 - gpa is around a B average

Question about auto insurance?

I'm 17 and I've had my prov. license for over a year now. I'm not on my parents auto insurance policy yet. Can I still drive though? Does auto insurance only matter for accidents and not when a cop pulls me over?

How much would my car insurance on Porsche?

Hey I am 21 and passed my test last week. I am thinking of either buying a BMW Z4 or a Porsche Boxster [yes i know they are expensive] It will be a new one. I did not know but people were telling me it would cost thousands...really???? Considering that aren't that big. If my dad has a car i can't get on his policy but drive a different car???? Help...how do i make this cheaper.. I am not worried so much right now if it costs thousands but its going to be with me for atleast a few years and i will not know my position then.

Can i get my own car insurance policy at 16?

i would really like it if someone could answer this. i coudnt fint the answer i was looking for online so i came here. if you guys are going to say it has to be under your mothers its not happening shes a *****. my dad has a car at his house thats mine he just doesnt want to give me the keys tell i have insurance and my license. but im getting my license in a few months. so if you can tell me this answer thanks, and can you give me a average price. and i know they do it based on the car so if i had an 06 nissian sentra with moded parts, and ome rims and a body kit would there be a difference. thank you so much for the people that are going to answer this""

Why is car insurance so expensive in the U.K.?

I often see U.K citizens complaining about how expensive car insurance is. I understand that many factors make up the cost of car insurance, but is there anything in particular that makes it so expensive? In the U.S. I'm rated as a single female under 25, no tickets or accidents, driving a 2010 Ford F100 pickup truck. My car insurance runs about $1600 a year (roughly 1000 GBP). Also, just curious. If I lived in England, just a close ballpark guess, what would I pay using that criteria""

Pennsylvania car insurance prices?

We are contemplating moving to PA. What are the car insurance rates like there?

Do you need tax and insurance for little scooters?

I presume you do. I was going to buy one as a pressie for my partner who has does not have a licience. Just wondered what the costs of running a scooter was? UK only please. Thank you.

Is penile inplants covered on medical insurance?

Insurance (perscription) cost question?

Ok, I just started getting birth control. My insurance requires a $100 deductible and after that my prescription is only $30 a month. So, the first pack of pills I received cost $52 and some change. I was assuming my second pack would be like, $48 and then after that would be $30 a month. Well, I got my second pack and it was like $57 and some change. That is what my birth control cost with no insurance. So what happened? I felt like I have paid more than my deductible. I expect next time my pack of pills to be only $30. Thanks!""

How much do you pay for car insurance?

Car Insurance in Connecticut?

I just got my license back after my first DUI arrest over a year ago. I want to get a car but insurance would be around $5,000 a year for a car that only costs $1,500. Does anyone know what the laws are in CT about car insurance and if I need it to drive my own car. Does the car need to be insured to be on the road?""

I live in PA...I never had car insurance but I'm buying my first car. I can't get a car insurance quote so...

how can I drive the car off the lot if I don't have insurance? I'm lost...can somebody help me solve this problem? Thank you.

I'm a 17 year old guy wanting to earn some extra money to help pay car insurance what can i do?

I'm a 17 year old guy i'm looking at an extra way of earning some money sensibly to help pay towards my monthly car insurance i already hold a day job any help would be appreciated thanks

How much does medical insurance cost per month?

I'm talking about medical insurance gotten through an employer. And I'm interested in the FULL premium, not just the employee's share. (So if your employer pays half, multiply your payment by 2.) Whatever your situation, please let me know. Because I want to know what to expect for each of the following situations: - Employee Only Insured - Employee + Spouse - Employee + Child - Whole Family Thanks!""

Help with life insurance?

My husband apply a life insurance for me without my knowing for $150,000 dollars. I came from other country and I was shocked because as if my husband wants to kill me and just married me for life insurance. One day a nurse came to our house and get blood and urine test and asked my husband what's that for, he lied to me he told me that was only needed for his work and for my health insurance. I was just wandering, after few days I received a letter from Veteran's Insurance that my beneficiary when I died is my husband for 150,000 dollars, I called right away the insurance company and disconnect it. My question is, is there anyway that my husband can apply me again for life insurance without my knowing? I don't want him to become the beneficiary. Can I make a last will and testament that when something happen to me my beneficiary are my parents? What will I do to do this step?""

Insurance settlement in Arizona?

I hit rear-ended a guy at about 5MPH back in July. He was in a pickup, I was in my civic. About $800 worth of damage to both vehicles. He complained of no injuries at the scene. I find out he got an attorney and filed a claim against my insurance. My insurance says they are still waiting to get a demand letter. Question: I only have $100,000 in coverage. Is there any chance he could get more than this?""

Maternity Health Insurance?

This is probably a weird place to ask this, but having trouble finding an answer online. I have individual health insurance, and my plan will not cover a pregnancy if conception occurs before 6 months after I add the maternity coverage. I am not currently pregnant, however I would like to begin trying before 6 months from now. Does anyone know of a health care plan that you can add maternity coverage to, and not have a waiting period for conception? For instance, if I opted for extra coverage in October and became pregnant in Dec., could I be covered?""

Cost of motercycle insurance?

when I search for this all I get is spam about how much you could save on your insurance. if it's not that then it: motorcycle gear, shows, accessories, video, ect. So I was just wondering is insurance cheaper for motorcycle than cars? Thinking about the differences; the cost of replacing the bike is less, the damage it could do it less, the injury to others is less, the injury to yourself is greater, it seems like it should be cheaper. espically considering that your health insurance will cover most of your injury costs this kind of insurance seems lower risk. But I wanna know from other bikers, is it cheaper?""

Which is the most inexpensive car insurance in california? please give me 2 or 3 names. cheapest car insurance?

Car insurance for teens?

i want to get a 2004 spyder eclipse two door, and i'm on my parents insurance (farmers insurance) because i'm 17, and was wondering if anyone knows about how much it will be a month.......""

Insurance Company sent me 2 checks?

So I recently got rear ended and the other party was at fault. I went to the appraiser that the all state agent had directed me to and had my car appraised. When I got my car appraised the appraiser wrote me a check then and there for the damages . Today I got a phone call from the insurance agent asking if my mailing address was correct and that they were going to mail me out a check for the damages that their appraiser had estimated. She never asked me once if I had already received a check for the damages.The appraiser made some kind of contact with allstate but I guess he never stated that he already had written me a check. Is it a crime if I cash both checks?

""What is a good, affordable health insurance?

I'm looking for some health insurance for me and my husband that we can actually afford. We live in NJ and the policy we have now is going up way to much now. We are looking for something we can afford with little to no deductible would be great too.

What would insurance costs be for a 16 year old with a crossover?

I want a new 2011 equinox, and I just turned 16. About what would my rates be if I were added to my parents insurance? I don't want a quote from a website like progressive because I have to give out my parents info and I don't feel comfortable doing that. Can anyone give me just a guess at what they think my rates would be per month?""

Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?""

Insurance Question/Quote?

My name is Jake and my grandpa wants to sell me is 2004 V6 nissan 350z for like next to nothing but i am curious as to how much my insurance payment would be?

Did you agree over a decade ago when California made police asking for auto insurance illegal?

For a few years, police were not allowed to ask for auto insurance from motorists. Much of the argument in favor of that law was that it discriminated against poor Mexicans. It was overturned eventually as auto insurance violations/irresponsibility became epidemic. How does this relate to the current law in Arizona? How does it relate to the mandatory health insurance law?""

Can you remove yourself from your parents' health insurance voluntarily?

I just would like to know. Is it possible? Thanks.

What's a good short storyline for a car insurance commercial targeted for parents of teens?

OKAY! so i need a good storyline for a school project im doing! Im making a commercial with my friends with video. My topic is CAR INSURANCE and it is targeted at parents. Specifically Parents who have teens on there hands that are just about to drive! PLEASE HELP! thanksss!

Car insurance in Michigan?

I currently am a primary driver on my car which is thru AAA. My boyfriend and I recently bought a car and insured it thru progressive for cheaper than it would have been at AAA. I am the primary. Is this legal to have 2 insurance companies? Or is this like a double jeopardy?

What car insurance should I get?

I am about to purchase a 1997 Volvo 850R sedan from a private individual. I am in Indiana. I have never had my own car insurance, always being on my mom's plan while in high school and college. Now that I have to set up my own plan, I have received quotes from Progressive, Esurance, Nationwide, and a few others, and everything looks and sounds pretty much the same to me. My mom has given me advice on what kind of plan to get, but I was wondering, is there a good or specific insurance company for someone like me? A male under 25 with a clean driving record and no tickets or violations? Does anyone have any good advice or horror stories from any specific car insurance company? What has worked best with you and your plan? I would like to get the insurance lined up by Tuesday or Wednesday, so any advice on where and how to go about it would be greatly appreciated.""

Why dont we get a refund from car insurance companys when we dont make a claim?

i pay more for car insurance than i do for house insurance yet my car is worth a fraction of to my house ????

Where can I find cheap auto insurance?

I will be looking soon for auto insurance for my first car. I have bad credit, no driving record(I am just about to get my license within the next couple months), and am 26. Where can I find an insurance company with an affordable premium?""

BEEN RIPPED OFF BY FAKE CAR INSURANCE WHAT SHALL I DO?

i paid this guy 130 for insurance, he put down all wrong details on the policy so that i am like 30 years old, that's why it was so cheap. wont reply to my emails or pick up the phone. told him i was going to call the police and tell the insurance company if he didnt refund me. this is the add: http://www.gumtree.com/london/13/60689813.html what should i do now??""

Is penile inplants covered on medical insurance?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/private-medical-insurance-quotes-riley-schultz/"

0 notes

lana-del-briaridyl-blog · 7 years

Text

#2 - August 2, 2017

First of all, notice that I’ve changed our url. And that’s because I’m a big fucking klutz and I accidentally liked a post on ZG’s new girlfriend’s blog while on this account. Just hand me a gold medal for being the world’s shittiest Tumblr stalker. ZG texted me and her girlfriend changed her url. Yikes.

I’m literally writing this at work right now. Getting paid by the hour. *money barf emoji*

About the self-sabotage/crushing on straight guys thing: It could be that you’re subconsciously going for people you know are unattainable, which is scary, but I think that’s actually a pretty normal tendency and I wouldn’t be too worried (if that helps at all?). Crushing on celebrities/older people/people in relationships can be a safe testing ground for us to figure out what we like and what kinds of people we’re into without the pressure of trying to make something happen. The problem is, in your case, you have to live with this guy AND a relationship is something that you actually want right now.

Also, the feeling that everyone else is getting all of the experiences in dating/sex/romance and you’re not is LITERALLY THE WORST THING EVER. Like, it has so much power to bring up the “yo is there something wrong with me tho” feelings.

SO. A few things (gonna bullet point because paragraphs are whatever):

To be honest, a lot of things about dating really suck. The honeymoon period goes away eventually, and a lot of times you’re kind of left with this dynamic that feels more like when you and I would sit in the N*ckCave in high school and put in a pizza and talk about what to watch on TV/YouTube for 30mins before just sitting on the couch and doing whatever than it does ~romance~. I’m not saying there’s not value in that dynamic (there really, really is — having someone you can love and feel comfortable doing next to nothing around is important and wonderful), but I’m just trying to demystify the whole ~~relationship~~ thing that often feels like surrounded by its own magical fairy dust from observers. Falling in love is exciting but, from my experience at least, it’s one of those things that exists in the extremes of micro and macro. You notice it in tiny tiny things and you acknowledge its larger arc over time. The in between bits haze over and get lost in the everyday.

The point of that point (eyyy) was that relationships aren’t inherently meaningful. My tendency is to think of a romantic relationship as some fated match of kindred souls coming together, but that’s LOL NOT HOW IT WORKS S*PH**. More realistically it’s just two people who were like “sup dude you’re cool I’m cool lets make something together” and then they do and it grows or it doesn’t. And the beautiful part is that thing you make and take care of. Not just the fact that you’re two people who are attracted to each other. And maybe it’s fate but if it is we can’t think of it that way.

And you’re over there in California like “HI HELLO WORLD I AM *READY* TO BUILD THAT MOTHERFUCKING FIRE” and you’re just getting echoes with a side of straight frat boys hollering “pu$$y pu$$y pu$$y marijuana” and it’s frustrating for me that I can't help you more with the literal finding-of-a-person-to-love situation. I can’t manifest a perfect partner for you (would if I could, boo), but I’m trying my best to use this space to complicate some of the assumptions about what the value of a relationship is, and why sometimes we feel such a lack (of love, of security, of power, of time left in our lives to *find* love/security/power) in our lives without one.

The TP/RS thing (wishing you’d had the chance to have an experience like theirs early on — or at all) is actually something that’s come up in my own anxious relationship thoughts. Part of me wants to say to you, “No, those early, stepping-stone relationships are bullshit, timing doesn’t matter, there’s no such thing as ‘learning’ how be in a relationship because it’s different every time with every person, TP and RS probably aren’t any better people or partners for it, etc.” and part of me wants to say, “Yo ok but let’s not try to downplay the significant social capital and external validation they gained from being a public couple at R**s*v*lt and into later high school years. Dating has STRONG inertia, and it’s as easy to slide from relationship to relationship when you’re in one/just got out of one (lol hi hello it’s me) as it is difficult to break out of feeling static when you're single. Though likely not all too deep within the relationship itself, the fact that it got the ball rolling for both of them both in their sense of confidence in dating *and* in others’ perceptions of their respective ~datability~ is legitimate.”

So what I think I’ll land on with the TP/RS thing (you know that I’m just using them as an example to talk about the concept of having dated while still under your parents’ roof, basically) is this: Yeah, not having done it does stunt your growth a little. And I think this phenomenon is particularly common and particularly evident for queer/gay people who were either not out in high school or didn’t date for other reasons. I’ve read more than one ~thinkpiece~ (don’t laugh at me) about the consequences for queer people in particular of barriers to dating during teen years. Maybe this is why the culture of hookups seems to exist for gay men and the culture of “U-hauling” exists for gay women? Like two extremes of dating, either no commitment or a TON all at once due to fear of not having the right “skills” to build a steady partnership?

(I have a huge fucking bone to pick with the lack of safe, non-alcoholic queer spaces for young people. But that’s a topic for another post.)

BUT the area in which not having had relationships stunts your development is one that 1) has been overblown and glamorized in its significance and 2) probably has influence over your sense of relationship confidence more because of external social dynamics that validate couples over single people than because it gives you real life skills that make you a better partner. Did that make any sense? What I’m trying to say is that TP/RS relationships help you develop and that’s REAL but not in the way that you think, and the way that they help you develop doesn’t lend itself that well to the *stuff* that makes relationships juicy and loving and good. More social capital than internal growth. Same with JC/ZH.

On to the stuff that I think makes relationships juicy and loving and good: Vulnerability — the blind trust in someone to take pieces of your literal warm guts and soul out of the part of your stomach that hurts when you’re embarrassed and put them on the table and feel the discomfort and, like, roll in it. Bloody fucking gross but bloody fucking good. The cool misty calm of the patience, space, curiosity that it takes to stay in tact as an individual human and united-yet-not-swallowed alongside another person (you can’t have all of your guts on the table or you’d die, ya know?). There’s a different kind of vulnerability (this is the one that I’m less good at, lmao) in trusting silence and allowing privacy and distance and unknown and allowing for a slower meshing, I guess. Also, willingness to embrace and respect mundane — having enough faith in your mutual connection to know that it’s there even when it’s not right in front of you. Obviously there’s a lot more than those three, but I feel like anything else I could list would kind of fit into one of those categories.

I don’t think any of those skills (can you call them that?) are exclusive to romantic relationships. You can explore those concepts within yourself and notice your own ability to give/receive vulnerable words and actions, your own tendency to desire an all-consuming or all-giving bond with someone regardless of reciprocation (gas refilling?), and what feels scary and what feels safe and why. What are the parts of you that you’re excited/ready to share with another person? What are the parts of you that you want to share with another person but (possibly) feel scared to give? And what are the parts of you that feel so precious that you want to keep all to yourself? What do you want or not want to receive If there are any ~stepping stones~ toward a meaningful partnership, I think it’s asking yourself these questions.

I hope I’m not getting too theoretical or too preachy here. This is for you but it’s also for me. Putting these words on a page feels nice because shit if I know how love works.

I can’t take away the pain and the SHITTYNESS that comes with watching everyone around you navigate hookups and dating and love while also having unrequited feelings for someone. That’s like a double fucking punch in the stomach. And I also felt like sharing ~practical dating tips~ would be kind of dumb because our environments are so different and I can’t really promise that anything I would have suggested would actually help you get what you want. But I hope these thoughts can at least give you something to chew on? I hope they can complicate some widespread assumptions about what relationships are and why we think (/are told) they’re somehow higher than other forms of love.

Currently, I’m feeling a little too winded by the nauseating Uber pool ride that is my internal life right now to write it all down and flesh it out. Today, things feel calm and relatively stable (by “things” I mean: my mental health and its inevitable connection to how secure I’m feeling in my relationship with PL, my lingering not-relationship-not-friendship-but-not-not-something with ZG, and my attraction to GL — text me if you need explanations of initials, but I think you got it). Last night, PL gave me a packet and reading of five poems from the last few months that all have to do with me/our relationship. I think I’ve told you this, but she’s a published and super talented legit poet, so these aren’t just sappy love poems I’m dealing with here. I cried and I didn’t know how to respond to her poem-words with my mouth-words and I told her that I love her.

The I-love-you thing has been something we’ve opened conversation about before. When I explained to her my complications with feeling like I got into this relationship too fast after ZG and that I’m still dealing with leftover feelings and love for ZG (It’s been an intense couple of weeks for PL and me. Did I tell you about this conversation we had? I also told her about GL — not by name because I think that would make things really tricky, but I told her that I have feelings for one of my close friends), one of the things that hurt her the most was that I was so freely saying how much I still “loved and cared about” ZG when “I love you” still isn’t a thing that PL and I regularly say in our relationship. I told PL that it wasn’t that I didn’t feel that way towards her, but I just didn’t feel ready for whatever reason to say it, even though it gets expressed in different ways.

But I think the real reason why I’ve been hesitant to say it is that in a lot of ways it feels like the last thing I can hold onto about my relationship with ZG. As if only having said “I love you” to one romantic partner ever kept ZG’s and my relationship alive in some way, and that sharing those words with someone else (even if I felt it) would start the real fading-away process of that past relationship.

Last night I felt it, and I said it, and PL said it back, and like… nothing exploded. Love is not finite! You LITERALLY cannot run out. It’s cool. I just have to keep reminding myself that loving a new person doesn’t diminish or disrespect previous loves. Then we had sex on her parents’ couch.

I love you and I miss you and write back when you can.

Sincerely,

Just Wants Lots Of Friends Who Invite Me To Their Parties (aka Y)

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