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#the way i lost my shit when i realized this
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a damn poet - Connor Bedard
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requested; @chericherilvr 💓
summary; Connor Bedard x reader
Connor is so busy trying to have his best season that he forgets about things that really matter. He needs to learn how to be a poet to save your relationship.
warning(s); angst! fluff, argument, maybe grammar errors
author's note; it took me hours to finish this one. It was an honor for me to write this request. ♡
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Deep in your heart you know how Connor feels for you. He wouldn't invite you over another continent, joining his world championship, if he wouldn't love you. But something inside you breaks. Seeing all these hockey couples with cute pictures, sending their girlfriend flowers and the players screaming from the rooftop how much they love their girlfriends.
Connor is not like this. He loves you, he cooks your favorite food and watches all movies you want to watch. He's so focused to play the best rookie year he could do and lost the focus on his private life. He doesn't want to post your relationship official, because of his fan base.
You're self-evident for him.
"Hey love", you smile with big eyebags, touching his shoulder as he walks in the hotel room. It's your first time after three days having a real conversation with him.
"Hi", his mouth is straight, kissing your temple and waking in the bathroom. You're exhausted from love-bombing him. You're so tired of being so upset.
"How was your day?", you ask him, hearing the shower. "I can do better", his voice echos back. "You're already enough, my love", you shout back and throw your body into the bed. You spread your arms apart, your legs are on the ground.
Connor comes out after a few minutes ago in a towel, his hair is still wet and he's looking fine.
"What is that?", he grabs a paper from the desk.
"So I hold onto your shirt, as I stain it with blood
Will I finally find my own peace?
Clear my mind out of my thoughts, then state that I'm in love
Tempted with the idea of dying in these sheets"
"I'm writing songs ", your voice shakes. Connor never noticed this because he's always busy and you're asleep when he comes home. You're working full-time in a job you don't like and at night you're writing songs. Hopefully to live from that one day.
Connor looks up from these lines, "since when?", he breathes in. Hid eyes get red. Red like crying. "over a year", you sit up on the bed, your arms are supporting your back.
"Why didn't you tell me, babe?", he sniffles.
Babe. How long didn't you hear this nickname?
"You were busy", you tell him the truth. Maybe he'll break up with you. Connor sobbs, "are you really feeling this way? Finally finding your own peace?", his blue eyes searching yours, you can see how much it burdens him.
"your lyrics are professional, they're so good", he cries and tries to hide it. Whipping his tears with his wrist, face to his bag with all clothes.
He's putting a shirt on, turning around. "I just need time to realize this, babe", he kisses your lips, you taste the salt from his tears.
"You have an important game tomorrow, I'm ok with that ", you response. He nods and lays down. Without a kiss, hug or this comfortable feeling.
He lays down and let you alone with all these thoughts in your head. He doesn't seem to care much about you. Maybe it's time to leave.
Next day Connor feels like shit, even in his hockey clothes, nice fans around his team. He slept surprisingly well, but feels like the night after silvester.
It burns in his chest, you don't feel happy. But why? Since when you're writing songs? as a good boyfriend he should know. What is he missing in this relationship.
He's not shitty boyfriend, he didn't know it's hurting you. He thought its okay that he's having a strict time schedule.
"Concentration, Bedsy!", his teammate hits his shoulder to wake him up from daydreaming. Like a robot Connor played his best game but the celebration feels like a crime.
"Yo Connor are you going out with us?", some boys asking him in the cabin to celebrate their win. "No", he wants to see you. He forgot how stunning you are. How hard working you are. You're a poet and he had no clue!
He walks in your hotel room, lights are out. Just some papers all over the bed. He grabs one paper, reading the lines.
'He grabs me by my neck
Puts a dagger to my heart
Tells me I'm a mess
That I'll never be enough'
Gosh, it hits him. You are more than enough. You're his safe place. He reads every paper, focused about what you feel. It's time to hear out what you need.
He grabs his phone, calling you.
"Hello?", your voice sounds happy. "Where are you, babe?", he asks interested. "I'm at the whirlpool inside the hotel, I'll come over in 5 minutes, okay?", you're scared he's mad when you're late. You thought he's celebrating with his team and won't come to bed until midnight.
You pack the stuff and walk back to your shared room.
The opened door shows you the sort out papers with your lyrics on your bed shelf.
Connor lays in bed, smiling softly. It's typical Connor, he's a clean guy.
He smiles. He smiles at you without talking about hockey. "Congratulations for winning, I'm proud of you", you stutter.
This view feels so surreal, having a relationship after months. Having a boyfriend waiting for you.
"You look beautiful", he grins angelic.
You stopped the last step, "what did you say?". Maybe you have issues with your ears.
"You look beautiful and I love you", he talks loud.
"Love you too?", your honest reaction. The last time he said it, he broke is jaw and was out of his mind because painkillers. Months ago.
"Uhm can we talk, please?", he pets your hand, when you lay down with him. It feels like home. Smelling his perfume, hearing his breath and touching you.
"Sure", you get insecure what's coming next.
"Ok it's not easy for me", one tear runs down his cheek. You're frightened, just able to nod.
"Why do you write songs with me as enemy?", his voice is distanced and cold.
"Oh I'm sorry I don't write lies!", you defense yourself.
"I'm a good boyfriend!", he argues, "you treat me like I'm self-evident!", you yell your frustration out of your lungs. So much pain inside your chest wants to come out of your mouth. So much unsayed words.
"No-", he argues back, more tears are coming out his blue eyes.
"Yes Connor! Yes, it's true! I love writing songs and I hate my job so much! I am crying every night because my boyfriend doesn't care about me and I'm all alone and you're hiding me from fans because you could have a ruined career, I get it!", you sob under choking your salty tears. You're outraged.
You take your pillow and lay down on the floor, Connor looks down, "come over".
"No", "god damn come over!", he huffs.
"You have practice tomorrow, good night!".
That's the last time you saw him for the next two days. He's busy. Semifinals are tonight and Connor posted something on Instagram, you're too upset to check.
One WAG comes to you at the game, giggles and tells you, "never thought Bedsy is a poet!". The game is already on fire but your fingers are like a magnet, they want to switch what he posted - even if he's an idiot.
He posted a picture of you reading a book in the garden, laughing at you without pressure, without hockey and in his caption;
"You can feel, when someone traces your skin
You can kneel, run, jump and also can spin
And when I close my eyes I wish I was just like you"
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getousatoruu · 3 days
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JJK CHAPTER 261 AND MY THOUGHTS:
Soooooo this chapter was not for everyone lmao but if you ask me personally I am enjoying the direction in which the story is finally moving..261 has so many themes that just hit so hard bro, but I would be breaking them down into just 3 parts (because I would yap for another 3k words otherwise):
1. Breaking the cycle (remains unbroken):
Let’s start with the first person who tried to break the cycle: Toji. Toji, a man blessed with no cursed energy, born in a clan that probably abused him for that fact, tried to break the cycle of curse energy = strength mentality by killing Gojo even when he didn’t have to, he did not have to kill Gojo at all his mission was over, money was paid, he could have left he could have run but no he fights because he wants to prove to the world, to himself, and to the zenin clan that hated his very existence that “look a monkey like me with no cursed energy can take down the pinnacle of jujutsu look”…and we all know how it ends and the cycle continues with the zenin clan still being obsessed with the 10 shadows and Maki (and Mai) being treated like shit.
The second person who tried to break the cycle was: Geto. Geto realized after a failed mission, how little value a sorcerer’s life has in the eyes of a non-sorcerer even when those sorcerers dedicate their entire lives to saving them. He envisioned a world without curses where his fellow companions wouldn’t have to sacrifice their lives to save lives of people that don’t give two fucks about them. He realised how fucked up the jujutsu society really is, how fucked up the higher ups are and how they have no qualms about sending young sorcerers to their deaths. He also starts struggling with the ugliness of humanity and non-sorcerers and their ignorance. And so he tried to change that, he tried to make the world a better place for his friends and fellow sorcerers but he lost his ideals, his mortality and his humanity following the path he chose and in the end lost to a person who was soooo similar to him, who just wanted to save his friends too and prove to himself he deserved to live. And so the cycle continues with the higher ups using and abusing the young sorcerers, and the ones in power not giving a shit about what happens as long as they are comfortable (putting a kill order on Yuuji, making binding vow with Yuuta to kill Yuuji, suspending Hakari and Kirara, killing Yaga, etc).
The third person who tries to break the cycle is: Gojo. Gojo who saw his best friend leave him behind, not just physically but in terms of ideology, who saw his best friend become a monster in order to create a world where his friends and companions can live to their fullest and laugh from the bottom of their hearts, follow an idea so insane that even he couldn’t make sense of, he couldn’t catch up to him, couldn’t catch up to his ideas…so what does he do, he becomes a teacher. He guides young minds and fosters strong people that can overturn the way jjk society works and creates a group of people so strong that they can never be left behind, that will never feel what he felt. But all this crumbs when he comes back after his sealing, Gojo knows he still doesn’t possess the power to change the society the way he wants and if he is gone there is a vacuum in the jjk society that the higher ups can easily use to exploit…and so he kills them, kills them so that the Shibuya incident aftermath (read: Yuuji almost dying, Yaga being dead, Gojo getting framed as a traitor) can not be created again looping back to Geto’s departure and the way he killed an entire village (and for me personally it even loops back to when Gojo expressed his desire to kill the cult members clapping for Riko’s death).
2. Exploitation of the strongest:
Nanami, Higuruma, Junpei all of them are few examples that show themes of exploitation in jjk but there is this cycle of exploitation of the strongest that literally just…it’s too delicious okay:
Geto and Kenjaku - Every single Kenjaku victim deserves their own exploitation post but Geto was probably one of his best hosts since firstly, Geto was a special grade sorcerer and in Kenjaku’s own words “Special Grade rank signifies the ability to single-handedly overthrow nations, that obviously true for Gojo Satoru but Suguru Geto can also wield a Grotesque army through his cursed manipulation (ch. 203)”, and secondly his curse technique can literally allow him to claim any unclaimed curse which is just bonkers. But not only that, oh no no no the ultimate trump card that Kenjaku uses Geto for was to exploit Gojo emotionally. He made a six eyes user doubt his own technique and the funny part is: he was right. Gojo’s six eyes told him that it was Geto Suguru but his soul, HIS SOUL knew otherwise. And that emotional trump card was bigger than what any other host could provide.
Megumi and Sukuna- From the very start of his show, we have seen Sukuna obsess about Megumi and his curse technique. He has even admitted that Megumi, as he grows stronger, can literally defeat him and kill him. For more than 200 chapters we have seen Sukuna devise a plan to make Megumi as his vessel, so that he can get the 10 shadows/Mahoraga. He even exploits Megumi’s curse technique after the body possession to kill off Megumi’s sister and totally submerge his soul into the abyss.
Gojo and Yuuta- The chapter was so good that we looped back to the themes of exploiting the strongest but only this time not one, BUT TWO STRONGEST SORCERERS getting exploited at the same time. On one hand we have Gojo Satoru, who has always been seen as a weapon since the day he was born, been used as a tool by the higher ups, been used and seen as nothing but strength incarnate till the day he took his last breath and getting his body used as a tool again even after his death. He even got emotionally exploited by Kenjaku and his mind games during Shibuya. On the other hand we have Okkotsu Yuta, a kid who didn’t even know he comes from a great dynasty of Jujutsu sorcerers until he accidentally cursed his friend, who meets a guy that saved his life and helped him get back onto his feet almost a year ago…sees the loneliness and isolation that man subjects himself to and wants to help him in return too, he wants him to share the burden and not suffer alone but the man is dead now and there is no one to fill the space he left, no one that can be used as a weapon anymore, no one that can be the monster the sorcerers need to win this fight, so he steps up, he becomes the monster for the story, because he can not let it all go to waste now. Ah the tragedy of not seeing yourself as a human but just a means.
3. Love is the greatest curse of them all:
Yuuta’s story started with him cursing his friend, Rika, because he could not accept her death. He loved Rika, he could not let her go because he loved. He fought Geto Suguru, even tried to sacrifice himself in the end so that his friends could live because he loved and cherished his friends. Love, love, love…In this chapter we see him worry about Gojo because isn’t Gojo doing everything all by his own, even going as far as to stain his hands in blood so that when he is not needed (dead) the rest of the cast does not have to suffer, and so he fills in the shoes of his sensei, a man he respected and loved a lot, he sacrifices himself, his humanity and becomes almost a curse for his sensei because in the end, love is the greatest curse of them all.
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science-lings · 2 days
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More info on the options below the cut
1- My guy just lost his job and has to live out of his old office there's no way he can be allowed to adopt Trucy immediately, but if he had a rich husband who lives overseas and lets them technically commit fraud by moving into his old apartment during social worker visits... that would be much easier. Edgeworth isn't against being a little underhanded in his methods with the law and he has witnessed Phoenix with the Feys so if an infamous attorney were to adopt a child left behind by a tragic trial, he'd be so glad it was Phoenix. That guy has been reeking dad energy for years. It's also important to note that no one doubted the authenticity of their relationship since they went to go sign the papers because most people who have seen them already assumed that they were together. They don't have to try to convince anyone.
2- The things they call each other are so important to me, as kids they're Miles and Phoenix/Nick, in court they're Mr. Edgeworth and Mr. Wright, outside of court but still in a professional setting they're Edgeworth and Wright, when they're flirting they're back to Miles and Phoenix, but when they're insufferably flirting, Pheonix is 'Mr. Edgeworth' and Miles is 'Mr. Wright' They do this before they get married, both legally and actually.
3- They would be so funny on a reality tv show or some kind of game show, if their motive is doing something better than the other, they will put their whole pussies into whatever that thing is, even if it's like the great british baking show and Phoenix is the only one who can kind of bake. If they get to work together they're insane, put these assholes in an escape room and they will fuck that shit up. With Miles, who learned how to pick locks, and Phoenix, who got used to puzzles when working with Professor Layton, they would speedrun an escape room.
4- idk Pheonix just seems like he gets super affectionate with the people he loves, he kisses Trucys forehead/head so constantly it's habitual for him to pop off her hat to smooch her scalp and replace it right after. I also think it would be funny if he was so unprofessional about his love for Edgeworth except when they're in court but that's because they have to stand like twenty feet away from each other. Edgeworth turns red every time but he rarely protests, at least not seriously.
5- I just think they should be each other's 'oh shit' moment because that is funny to me. Phoenix didn't really realize he was attracted to men, at least in that capacity until that newspaper article and Miles had accepted that he was aro until he caught feelings he thought he was immune to. They both deal with it so well... /s
6- Connected to my hc that lawyers in the AA universe get kind of a celebrity status, but both Phoenix and Miles are so offline that they are completely unaware of it. Maya and Trucy and Kay especially are definitely not unaware and they think it's so funny. They contribute to the rumors. There are Edgeworth and Phoenix fancams made from court footage set to kpop. Apollo had a Phoenix Wright stan account and he used to fight the PW haters on twitter before he actually met the guy. He forgot the password so he can't delete it and it's only a matter of time before someone connects the dots. Anyway they trend on twitter every time they meet in court like when a new season of a show comes out and the fanbase goes bonkers.
7- obviously they call and message each other but they both think it's nostalgic to send letters, and Phoenix likes having a reason to send physical pictures from when they were kids since Miles wasn't allowed to keep any of that in the Von Karma household. Edgeworth usually sends sweets from whatever country he's in for Trucy.
8- I personally think that Phoenix has more of that kitten look but I was recently reminded of how often in the of trilogy when ppl have to tell him to put those things away. He can weaponize his big brown eyes and Miles pretends to be unaffected but he's weak to it just like everyone else. He has that kitty vibe, he asks for things by looking really pathetic and sad and it works in his favor every time.
9- Phoenix is the type of guy to fall asleep during most movies if he isn't judging it intently or particularly interested and when they were kids they tried to binge more than one samurai movie and Phoenix fell asleep before the first one ended. That official art just makes him look like such a sleepy guy. Again the kitty energy returns, he's a big napper.
10- these bitches are so good at arguing, but they both want to win so it takes forever to decide on things that actually don't matter that much. If they can't decide on a restaurant to go to for a date they won't finish arguing their case about their preferred place to go until after they close. They never yell at each other or get too emotionally invested in a lot of things but they will draw that shit out and take out evidence and witness testimony if it helps their case. Sometimes it gets so extensive that they have to pull out the whiteboard/ corkboard. Just as long as it's presented like a court case it will be so well communicated between them so they take advantage of that because or else they kinda suck at talking to each other about their problems.
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justkending · 3 days
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Mr. & Mrs. Hunt (Chapter 4)
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Mini-Series Summary: Two of the most stubborn people in the group partnered together for an undercover mission are also the two people with the most hatred for each other, so what could go wrong? Or is it, what COULDN’T go wrong?…
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger Reader
Word Count: 3900+
A/N Note: Only a few more chapters to go (I think, but we're both lost on how long this series will be.) Thank you guys for reading and as always, thank you for the love and support!
____________
Chapter 4:
Y/N's POV
It wasn’t him. It was 100% me. I did this to myself. I built a wall so quickly around him because I didn’t want to like the man behind my misery. 
My teammates knew enough about my backstory to think they had an idea of my reason for joining SHIELD: helping the little guy because, at one point, you were the little guy—the manipulated guy—the one who no one saved, so you had to save yourself—and now anyone else who can’t do it for themselves. 
Yet, there were so many other things I kept for myself, and things files couldn’t tell you. No files existed of them, and I’m glad because I didn’t want the pity. 
James Buchanan Barnes was the reason behind my abuse. Not personally, but my abuser was obsessed with his accomplishments under the German and Russian terrorist organizations and wanted to make a female, more skilled, discrete, and sleeker version of the Winter Soldier. 
Who fucking didn’t, right? God, every goddamn evil bastard on this godforsaken shit show of a planet wants to remake something that was a once in a lifetime kind of thing and crack more than a few eggs to get to that point. Selfish asshole…
Being constantly compared to him and then beaten for not hitting the unreachable mark of the man I was ‘of no comparison to’ after years of trying to hit that standard, and then being asked to be on a team with him? A lot of emotions hit me like a train when I got that news. 
Will I amount to being the trained spy and agent I am for Shield with him by my side? Will he make me look like a completely pointless addition to the team? After five years of already working with the Avengers and then learning who the Winter Solider was? Steve’s best friend and probably the only person he could relate to in their journey? All the way to having to work with him… The change-up was instantaneous, where I would have begged for baby steps. 
Then again, when has the world made it easy for me?
So yes. I was an ass and kept him further than arm's length away to stay safe from learning that he was a good guy when I wasn’t ready to like him yet. I had a lot of trauma I never thought I’d have to work through with the infamous man himself, and that irritation and annoyance just continued when he finally matched my energy, and we never strayed from that relationship until… now.
And here he was, genuinely asking what HE did wrong when I was the reason for our enemies’ plot line. 
“Bucky, I don’t think I can talk about this right now,” I breathed out slowly, feeling the tears prick in my eyes.
It had been a minute since I cried and felt this vulnerable, and I couldn’t seem to stop it. I think subconsciously, I didn’t want to stop it, but my mind was begging my body to hold out until he was out of the room. 
“Y/N, if I did something to you, I didn’t realize-” 
“You wouldn’t have known,” I whisper, not trusting my voice to stay steady, but also not wanting to put anymore of the blame on him from here on out. 
He wasn’t a bad guy.
He had proved himself time and time again to be a really good guy. Even when he broke and decided he hated me back, he still had his moments when he put it aside and showed chivalry. I admired him for it even when I ignored the admiration. 
Makes it hard to fully hate a guy who made sure ladies weren’t opening any doors for themselves. Or a man who remembered Morgan’s birthday and bought her an ice cream cake before stealing Steve’s shield to sled down a hill her dad told her not to. Or a man you treat like absolute shit 99% of the time, and he still checks on you when you have nightmares, and he grabs water and an ice pack and helps you even out your breathing before waiting for you to go back to sleep. 
I didn’t ask him for the help, and he never mentioned the handful of times he fell into the routine of soothing me back to sleep. Never brought it up, never made me feel like I owed him, and never hinted at remembering such kindness. 
But now?
“You wouldn’t have known why it started this way to begin with. And you likely won’t,” I sigh, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth before turning around; a lot more put together, even if it was just a mask I had learned to put on most of my life. 
“I don’t understand,” Bucky furrowed his eyebrows at my disposition. 
“I don’t expect you to, but maybe we should go to sleep and talk about it later. It’s getting late, and you have to go to your ‘job’ tomorrow,” I say with hand quotes. “We have to keep the ruse going.” 
“A few hours of sleep doesn’t affect me,” Bucky shook his head, and I could see him itching to put his hands back on me, but he held back. “Please. I need to know what the hell I did.” 
“Again, Bucky,” I say sternly this time, all emotion I’m struggling to keep at bay shoved down. “You are not at fault, and tomorrow I’ll talk to you, but for now, I need to sleep on it.”
He read my face for lies, and I kept it neutral. I wasn’t going to break here. Now was not the time. I needed space to think about how I was going to approach this after so long of avoiding it and being put on the spot wasn’t going to work for me. 
“Ok,” he said, softer than I think I ever heard him talk. His eyes were soft and sensitive, and I didn’t know how I felt about it…
He turned and walked out of my room, gently shutting the door behind him and turning off the overhead light he had originally flashed on. 
I didn’t instantly head straight to bed. I stared at the doorway in the dark, seeing the faint silhouette of the barrier between us. He was still on the other side, and I could hear his heart rate higher than normal.
This was affecting him more than I thought it would. Why was he so worried about what I thought of him? He didn’t seem bothered by my disinterest in the past. Or at least I didn’t figure he did. 
____________________
When I woke up, Bucky was already gone. His truck, normally in the driveway, was missing, and I knew he had taken off for our mission report. 
Thankful, I took the time to make my coffee, sit on the front porch, and watch the neighborhood take on its morning routine. 
People were on runs with their family dogs, moms were doing their morning walks with strollers, some neighbors were out already tending to their gardens, and everything suburban seemed to be on track. 
Towards the end of my cup, I notice Ms. Bauer coming back from her jog she must have taken earlier than the others. 
“Oh, hello, neighbor!” she shouted when she spotted me, uniformly checking our house like her head was on a swivel if she heard a pen drop in it. 
Still in her jog, she sashayed over to my lawn, and I mumbled, “Here we go,” smiling at her as she followed the sidewalk to our steps. 
“How are you doing today, Bethanne?” I grin standing from my patio chair and going down the steps to meet her at the bottom of the flight. “Is there a run club I didn’t know about? You’re the 10th person I’ve seen getting a head start on their steps for the day.” 
She laughed and waved a hand at me before taking an earbud out, pausing her music on her watch, and placing her hands on her hips as she looked up at me. 
“There is actually a mommy and me walking club on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Depending on the weather, of course, but who knows,” she grinned up at me. “Maybe you can be joining it sooner than you thought.”
“Maybe not as soon as you think,” I laughed, holding my mug tighter with both hands so I wouldn’t strangle her instead and leaning on the banister. “We wanted at least a year in the house by ourselves before we add another set of feet to the chaos,” I scrunch my nose and add, “but I’m excited for the day Beau and I have a mini-version of us running around here.” 
“Speaking of Beau,” she grins, looking to the driveway. “Where is he today? He’s usually home with you most of the time, right?”
“Oh, it was time for him to get back to work. He took off for a few weeks to get moved in and spend time with me before we had to get back to the real world,” I answer as planned. 
“That’s right. I think I remember you guys talking about that at the first block party,” she nodded, watching me carefully for slip-ups. “Can you believe it’s only been two weeks of you guys here? I feel like you two have been a part of the community for at least a year.” 
“You’re sweet,” I gush convincingly and look out to the neighborhood for effect. “You guys have really taken us in as your family, and you don’t know how much I appreciate it. We appreciate it,” I correct and look off in the distance like I’m thinking of my sweet, doting husband when, in reality, I was thinking of the day this mission was over and I could carry on with my normal life. “I don’t think I’ve mentioned this. Beau isn’t one to really talk about it, but his family life wasn’t the best. They’ve practically been strangers since he turned 18.” 
“Oh, is that so?” she inched up, feeding on the new (fake) information. 
I nod. “When we started dating, my family took him in as his own- well, I only had my dad around for most of my life, but they got along really well. He passed three years ago,” I give a tight-lipped look as I look down at my feet in sadness. “They developed a bond, which wasn’t hard considering who my dad was. He was the best, though we might be biased in thinking that. Taught Beau how to do a lot of things dads are supposed to teach their sons. Well,” I sniffle for added effect. “Anyway, we’re kinda on our own now. No extended family we’re close with, and with my dad’s passing, it’s really just us. So when I say we’re grateful for y’all’s hospitality, I mean it.”
She seemed to buy it, as much as an undercover convict could, and smiled kindly up at me before placing a hand on my arm. 
“Of course, sweetheart. We’re just lucky you two are some of the good ones. You’d be surprised who’s come in and hasn’t made the cut. Lawns in disarray, unfriendly attitudes, and you know the list,” she winks and rolls her shoulders back before stretching in her spot. “Speaking of being lovely neighbors, how would you and Beau feel about a dinner at our house? Reggie and I have been talking about having you over for quite some time now, and I think we can finally host.” Before I could ask, she stopped me and explained. “Kitchen renovation. It was and still is a pain in my ass, but it should be doable for a small dinner.”
“That sounds lovely,” I beam as much as I could act. It was the perfect next step, and the bait had been taken, but a part of me wanted to settle things with Bucky in our personal dispute before we put on our masks for the two main perpetrators. “Let me check with him and see what his schedule will look like now. He’s getting some new orders today, and some things are changing in the company. We’ll know more tonight. But we will for sure make it work.” 
___________
After Bethanne told me some useless neighborhood gossip, she excused herself, and I went back inside to get ready for the day and consider how I would approach Bucky on our issue. 
I knew it was time to be truthful, even if I dreaded it. Bucky had proven time and time again that he wasn’t the enemy, and I needed to deal with my issues. I was tired of wasting energy on hatred and anger, and these last two weeks proved that Bucky wasn’t the one who should have been receiving the blunt force end of my trauma. 
I had until four in the evening to come up with an idea of how I wanted to go about it, but I had stress cleaned instead and couldn’t come up with a non-terrifying way to approach this life-changing conversation.
Finally, I found it best we get dinner in the town over (as not to have any peaking eyes or eavesdropping ears as we dive into my life story I hadn’t indulged to near anyone before), and I would talk to Bucky there. However, plans changed when Bucky came home. 
From my spot in the kitchen, I heard him shout in his domesticated voice across the street, “No, that sounds perfect! We’d love to!” The door opened just as he finished his sentence, and his voice became clearer. 
I moved around the island and slowly walked toward the door to get a view of who he was talking to, and I noticed Bethanne at her mailbox waving to Bucky. 
I furrowed my eyebrows at the obvious commitment he put us in, and after he waved back, he shut the door behind him, looking at me, and dropped the act quickly. 
“What did you just agree to?” I asked, nodding my head behind him. 
He looked me up and down, and I almost forgot I had picked a new, semi-fancier sundress for our “surprise anniversary dinner” (at least the front I was trying to put on for getting out of town without too much suspicion).
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(Make whatever color you please or change it in your mind if you want! I'm choosing to pick it as a darker red.)
“You look nice,” he says as his eyes trail back up to my own, and I swear I see him take a gulp. 
“What did you agree to?” I asked again, focused more on what he had decided for us regarding Bethanne. 
His previous shocked face faded away, and he rolled his eyes slightly before throwing his work bag to the side.
“Bethanne invited us to dinner. I said yes because we need to build a relationship with them,” he replied stoically, as if my question was dumb and pointless. 
I just stared at him and let my “personal vendetta” look rest on my face. He studied me and had the decency to shrink ever so slightly. 
“What?”
“What happened to discussing things first?” I said in an eerily calm voice. 
“I didn’t think accepting dinner at a home we’ve been trying to get inside of for the last two weeks is something we’d have to discuss.” And now he straightens up, throwing his empty arms to the side. 
A few seconds later, I yelled, “You dipshit!” in a muffled grunt, keeping my voice down as much as I could handle and balling my fists in anger. 
His eyebrows shoot up and he huffs with his chest puffed out as he marches to me. I see the intent in his eyes, and I start walking away towards the opposite room closest, needing a minute not to lose my shit, and if I have to look into his stupid azure eyes like he wants to read everything passing through my mind, I’ll break.
“Don’t walk away from me,” he growls, and I shoot him a look over my shoulder as I shift my pace and head down the hallway to the bedrooms. “Y/N, stop being a stubborn ass and-”
“Unless you want a heel thrown at your head, and you’re welcome for being civil about this, I suggest you leave me alone,” I shout behind me, turn sharply to the left, and go to my room. 
“I don’t even know what THIS is! You looked at me like you wanted to kill me when I walked in, and I haven’t even talked to you today besides updates about work,” he said just as I slammed the door in his face. “Oh, real mature. Shut the door like an adolescent. Wait, I forgot. You are one…” He mumbles the last part and I hear him lean on the door.
Instantly, I whip the door open, and he doesn’t have time to predict his next move. He falls flat on his back on the wood floors of my room, only padded by a thin oriental rug I made Tony buy me. 
He’s winded from the fall and clutches his chest as I bend down next to him and say, “I said. Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone.” I stare at him for a second, solidifying my threat. I stand to walk out and only give him a glance as I pass the doorway. 
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Bucky’s POV:
I left her the fuck alone. 
I may have been royally pissed (that is a blatant ass understatement), but something about the look in Y/N’s eyes told me not to push unless I wanted to wake up with my head no longer attached to my body. 
I was too scared to leave her room in fear I’d run into her when she wasn’t ready and risk taking the chances of the guillotine earlier, so I sat on her bed and tried to rack my brain to where I slipped up to cause whatever the hell I walked in to…
I knew almost instantly and realized what a stupid, simple mistake it was. Bethanne asking me to dinner set her off, I knew. But her comment about talking with each other before making decisions told me my mistake. 
Something happened I didn’t know of, and I may have just fucked whatever it was up. As for what it is? No goddamn clue. But using context clues and just basic reading of the body language, Y/N had already made a plan, and I threw it out the window, likely.
I heard footsteps before I could think further, and Y/N appeared in the doorway, taking a deep breath. She would have convinced me she was going to be civil if it wasn’t for her history, but I was excited to see which lane she chose. 
“One thing before I bite my tongue,” she says in almost a whisper, like she’s trying to keep her frustrations at bay. “You make me want to shave my head like Britney Spears in 2007 75% of the time. This moment was almost a tipping point for that kind of outcome..” She lets out a long breath like she passed the test of keeping it together. 
Surprisingly a lot more tame than I was expecting. 
“Glad you got that out of your system. Now, please tell me what the hell happened?” I asked, keeping my guard up in case she resorted to her typical insults and fury. 
“Oh, now you want to communicate,” she mocks and walks to the bed, harshly sitting next to me but leaving a copious amount of space between us. 
I let it slide because I know she’s fighting bigger demons, like the urge to insult me, until I personally dig my own grave and say goodbye to my cruel reality. 
“Bethanne was goading us,” she answers, thankfully getting right to the point. “Something about her proposition seemed off, and I wanted to clear some things up with you before we jumped on the offer.”
I nodded my head, seeing that my instantaneous reply wasn’t thought out. That was on me, yes, but she also reacted extremely dramatically, expressing an odd feeling about the interaction instead of hard proof. 
“What did she ask, and what was off about it?” I question, trying to stay mission based because something seemed off still.
“It wasn’t what it was but how she was asking. Something in her tone and the way she was looking at our house and me. Like she was trying to take in detail after detail up close. Checking for cracks in the foundation,” she answers and turns to me just slightly. “She also said her kitchen was under renovation, and something felt off about it.” 
“The vibes about our neighbor getting a kitchen renovation made you knock the wind out of me when you opened your door?” I said before I could think, but I didn’t budge, my furrowed eyebrows aimed at her. 
She matches my glare and turns her body fully to me. 
“It seemed like an excuse,” she answers slowly. 
“To what? Host a dinner? That’s kind of the opposite effect. Who would want to host a dinner when you have kitchen renovations? It means they trust us if they’re willing to let us see a house that’s not perfect like the front they put on.” 
‘That’s what you get from it, but I think they just planted a little seed of their own.” 
“What do you even mean?”
“Kitchen Reno? That’s an excuse to say, ‘Oh, Charlotte, I can’t cook the chicken pot pie I was going to make for you two because our new oven hasn’t been delivered and installed yet. You know? Because we have the kitchen under renovation? I completely forgot,’” She acted in a convincing Bethanne impersonation and then quickly turned back to serious. 
“You got that from a kitchen reno comment?” I deadpanned after a minute. 
“I got that from understanding women masterminds who know how to manipulate a situation. I am that woman, so I think I can read them pretty well,” she says confidently back. 
Touché.
“And what if you’re wrong?” Her bitchface grew at my question. 
“First off, I’m not. Second off, even if I was wrong, we are supposed to consult each other about accepting invitations into the house of our suspect enemies,” she ran a hand through her hair, which I notice now looks styled differently. Did she curl it or have it blown out? And yes, I know what a blowout is. I have women friends and coworkers.
Yeah… I was in the wrong here, and that’s on me. I wasn’t thinking. I also had a long day snooping around for more information about this whole operation, but it isn’t necessarily an excuse… It’s not like  I haven’t worked on a case like this in the past. I mean, minus being fictitiously married to a coworker. 
“I’m sorry,” I say, and she gives me a weird look. “What?”
“I wasn’t expecting an apology,” she says, standing slowly and straightening her dress. 
“I know when to accept I made a mistake,” I shrug and stand as well. 
She studies my face like there's a retort that’s going to follow, but I just stare at her silently, communicating that I’m set on my apology. 
“Ok…” she drags out, watching me as she steps toward the door. “Well, I guess we need to get ready for tonight. Considering we have dinner. With our neighbors. And we need to set up bugs if possible.”
“Guess so,” I nod, crossing my arms. 
She stops suddenly and looks at me with a look of realization. “You’re in my room.” She steps to the side, leaving room for me to leave, and avoids eye contact. 
She’s still acting weird, but I need to change and get my head in the game for tonight, so I walk out with a subtle head nod as I leave.
Marvel Tags:
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Hello friend I was wondering if I could request a fourth wing x reader fic with xaden? Maybe where instead of Violet being tortured by varrish its reader? And maybe we see a bit from xadens pov?
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Hurts like hell
The pain was like no other. The concept of time had slipped away a long time ago. Your body was sore and stiff. Nor could you distinguish if it was the sound of your blood dripping on the floor or the condensation of the cellar walls. “This could be so much easier, wing leader”, Varrish's venomous voice fills your senses and suddenly you wish you hadn’t blinked. Hadn’t made him aware of your consciousness. “What do you know about the rebellion, girl?”, he takes fistfuls of your hair, yanking your head back. Your angry eyes glare up at him, “Eat. My. Shit”, you hiss through gritted teeth as the back of his hand slams into your cheek. The rings he’s wearing crack the scabbed-up cuts all over again.
And it’s as if he feels it. Every blow. Every cut. Every scream. Xaden had lost the amount of time he had vomited since they had taken you. Or more since you had saved Bodhi’s and Garrick's asses and was taken instead of them. Had he beaten both of them up for it? Yes. And he planned on repeating it once you were back in his arms.
“There’s nowhere else they could be keeping her”, Imogen says, tapping her finger on the map. Everyone had been looking for you for three days now. “Unless he’s usually magic he shouldn’t”, Bodhi adds, making Xaden let out a growl. It was driving him mad knowing that you were taking a beating for his slip-up. They weren’t being careful enough. They weren’t thinking about the consequences when they smuggled such a big load of weapons out. “Tonight. There’s an upper-hand meeting at seven that leech of a man should be there”, he grunts, his shadows drowning his hands in the darkness. “Imogen you will make sure he stays there for as long as possible”, and for the first time, she only nods, because she too can feel that Xaden is on his last straw. “You two will come with me. Fuck knows what they have going on down there”, running a hand through his hair, Xaden watches as both Bodhi and Garrick nod. Hold on, he pleads, just for a bit longer. Because he would kill them all. Burn this whole academy down if you were… and that’s enough to make him go ridge once more. He couldn’t let himself think about it.
His heart is beating so fast and so loudly that he doesn’t even hear his footsteps as they navigate the dark corridors of the dungeons. Checking every nook and cranny. Every room. Every floorboard. Until the metal gates leading to the back cellar catch Xaden’s eyes, and the way his shadows rush to it in a frenzy. His legs step forward before he even realizes it. Breathe hitching in his throat.
“Y/n”, he mutters rushing forward. His hands are shaking so much that he can barely push the hair away from your face, let alone look for the pulse. Face. Barely recognizable face. So cut up and bruised. Drowned in angry purples and blacks. “There’s a pulse”, Xaden’s head snapped to the side, he didn’t even realize that Garrick had followed him in here. “Faint but there”, he clasped Xaden’s shoulder, “But we need to get her out of here”.
And he tries, tries so hard to get the ropes of your wrists but it’s as if his own body is going into an overdrive. “Bodhi, get Xaden out of here”, Garrick orders, freeing your legs, reaching to press his fingers to your neck once more. “No”, Xaden argues, pulling at your hand, “Baby, you need to open your eyes”, he mutters looking at you, “Tell me that you hear me”. But there’s nothing. Just your limp body. Drowning in blood and filth. A firm palm presses against the back of his neck and his head is turned away from you.
“We are getting her out. Do you understand?”, Garrick’s firm words slip past the haze. “You will go with Bodhi because you can’t help out anymore and I will carry her and keep her safe”, and it’s no longer a question. It’s a statement. An order. One that Xaden follows. With Bodhi reassuring with the whole way. Catching one last look at you. Of Garrick carefully scooping you up as he mumbles, “Come on, girly, we need you here. Don’t you give up yet”.
Xaden doesn’t move from your side after Brennon meds your wounds. The Rioroso house was the only place they could think of that was safe for you. But even here his mind doesn’t ease up. It’s been a week and you haven’t shown any signs of waking up. So just like any other night when he came to visit you, he’s carefully running the healing balm into the cuts on your face and arms. Needing to know that he’s doing something. Helping in some way.
And it’s the pain sigh that leaves your lips when his fingers brush over the cut on your temple that has his stalling. “Baby”, he breathes, gaze now fully fixed on your face. His lips brush over your knuckles, “Please, open your eyes. I need to…”, and it’s as if his words coxed you out of your slumber as you blink rapidly. Scared eyes scanned the place.
Xaden leans closer, carefully bringing his fingers through your hair. Trying to soothe you with the feeling of him. “Xaden”, his name on your lips is enough to finally make him crack. He lowers his head onto your shoulder as ugly sobs echo through the room. He knows that he should be strong. To be calmer and colder but he was convinced that he was never gonna hear the sound of your voice ever again. “I’m here, my little fighter”, he sniffles, looking back up at you, “l will never let you hurt like that ever again”.
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marlenacantswim · 1 year
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two clever comebacks, two exclamations, and two times they thought they lost each other
Danny and Nicholas Parroting Each Other
Hot Fuzz (2007)
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briarquartz · 11 months
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hospitalyuris · 4 months
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Everytime someone says I'm wasting what god gave me I grin and say good
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l48yr1nth · 6 months
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im going to make an emo anime wolf oc hes gonna be soooo edgy and powerful nobody can stop me
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batz · 1 year
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realizing its almost been 6 months since top surgery:)
#frank.txt#despite all the complications i had w healing im rlly happy w how my chest looks:)#ALTHOUGH. ONE BIG COMPLAINT#i used to use my bras as an extra pocket for my phone or lighter or whatever. but now i dont wear bras and therefore have no extra pocket#:( u win some u lose some :(#anyway all shirts look awesome on me now AND i can wear t shirts w funny text or image ans ppl wont feel awkward reading it:)#also the scars r fading rlly well! they almost blend in w my skin completely! (keyword almost. theyr still visible atp)#the way the scars r shaped is interesting bc theyre like a U shape. but bc of that when i inevitably build my pectoral muscles#the scars should blend into the shadow caused by thr muscle. i also dont have a Completrly flat chest bc im fat:0#tbh my surgeon did rlly well . i have a lot of problems with him bc hes kind of a dick but from like. idk an artistic standpoint hes good#but the doctor standpoint hes Uhm. well i lost a nipple and had severe infection due to denied antibiotics and lack of aftercare#BUT. the lost nipple isnt visible and it looks normal now somehow AND. i didn't die from the infection so. I mean#i just had to spend christmas with a fever of 103 LMAO#HONESTLY THO i would do it again EVEN if i knew i would go thru hell bc this surgery fuckn saved my life holy shit#i didnt realize just how much i dissociated from my own body bc of dysphoria. now i feel more in touch with it and happy!:)#also now i can Eventually get that chest tattoo i wanted for like 7 years lmao#erm yippee:)
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transingthoseformers · 11 months
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So now i am thinking of pony shockwave and the direction i would go with him
Shockwave as a pegasus, but you can't tell bc he always wears a lab coat covering his wings and he never flies. However he has also developed himself an artificial mechanical horn to perform questionable science magic, and the horn is part of some visor or helmet to give him the single optic look. And at Some Point he is forced to actually use his wings for something and everyone is like holy Fuck Shockwave is an alicorn ???? but he of course is not a real alicorn this is Science alicorn lookalike
Oooo he'd exactly do this
Giving him access to a universe with magic in it might be such a decision because in mlp? Magic has rules. Rules that aren't discussed very often, but rules nonetheless. He can logic them out enough to try and modify himself into a unicorn, then proceed to scare the shit out of everyone by actually flying.
I feel like a lot of ponies would have so many damn opinions about him being a pseudo-alicorn. So... so many opinions. There is so much symbolism around alicorns in their universe (in FiM, yes, but from what we've got Even More in mltfp.) and this would defy a lot of that symbolism. We don't see science mixing with magic very often in the series, but we see it sometimes. In FiM, the technology at the time just IS less advanced than it is in fifth gen, so that adds an extra layer to Shockwave having this level of proficiency at it (ohhh it would freak so many folks out. Because they've never seen anything like this.) He would look so freaky.
I'm wondering if there's a ☆story☆ around why Shockwave doesn't use his wings often, or if it's as simple as he doesn't want to.
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cannibalisticskittles · 10 months
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god, it's fucking over for me, target has started listing this years halloween collection and there are So Many of those birds
i can no longer let myself view the passage with time with anxiety, i must let myself be borne away
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arolesbianism · 1 month
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Yet another beautiful day to have the Maxwel tag blocked (can't see half of the posts in the Wendy tags)
#rat rambles#starve posting#maxwell posters have lost any semblance of tolerance from me ages ago Ive yet to meet a maxwell fan who's just like a normal person#and to clarify I actually do like maxwel as I am the number one just some asshole whos in too deep enjoyer#but dear god are ppl just absolutely incapable of being normal abt this man and everyone around him#and even beyond that ppl just do not get this man like please he is indeed interesting but not because of some 'retconed redemption'#like pls we can live in a world where he is not an irridemable monster and is in fact just some guy while also still being a flawed person#like the fact that he is so deeply flawed in ways that he never actually properly adressed and challenged is the interesting thing to me#like look at me. he went through horrible shit he didnt deserve. that didnt inherently make him a better or worse person#it just made him a more miserable person#and he didnt escape because of some change of heart or character development#and afterwards he teamed up with wilson because of necessity#I do think on some level he genuinely cares abt the other survivors and he does have genuine regret for how things turned out#but again those things dont inherently mean he moved past the flaws that got him here it just means he has the ability to recognize that#shit sucks and that he wish none of it happened#its why encore is one of my favorite animations from a character perspective because it shows some juicy charlie and maxwell stuff#mainly it shows both that charlie has not forgiven his ass and is manipulating him and that maxwell is still susceptible to it#which isnt a sigh of them rolling back development it's just a sign that maxwell is easy to manipulate with the right cards#which adds up considering his past and his present very well in my opinion#this is a man whos historically always ran away from his problems and is always on the hunt for a sense of control#and charlie tapped into both that and his ever present guilt#its in fact very unsurprising and not out of place for him to fall for that sort of manipulation#and it also makes for a great set up for the inevitable betrayal from charlie as maxwell is hit by the harsh reality of his situation#and that whole situation would lead to some yummy tasty parallels when charlie inevitably gets betrayed herself (I hope)#the ways charlie and maxwel are so similar yet so different facinates me deeply I love how much charlie doesnt realize shes kinda fucked#I want her to be betrayed so hard and left in the dust with no ground to stand on I want the rug pulled out from under her feet#her composition comes from her confidence in the necessity of her actions and the moral superiority she feels over maxwell#so having her sense of superiority be revoked would make for a super fascinating dynamic as she tries to justify the situation in her head#I wanna see her siral and then maybe change her pronouns idk
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void-tiger · 4 months
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What do I want? I want to be seen as a peer.
#tiger’s roar#mental health bullshit#…and I feel further away than ever with my damn disability that I got told was psychosomatic without directly saying those words#because unstable tendons that pop grind sproing every time I really do anything#can’t Possibly be painful#or WHY my muscletone and stamina is shit#oh noooo it MUST be all in my head nevermind I CAN’T TAKE SEROTONIN. every drug with it makes me suicidal or worse#…anyway. I will be stranded as soon as I move out to attend university#which is only possible with taking out yet more student debt#and keeping a credit load far higher than I could ever do (nevermind my physical disability)#to keep my scholarship. and then Hope I still get a Pell + misc school scholarships#but there’s No Way around I Won’t be able to cope with a job with 15 credits mentally even if I could physically#…yEAH I’m Terrified. and I’m sick to death of people telling me to NOT take out loans#when this is The Only Way to pay rent and tuition to Even Attend At All#…and ALL Of This ontop of… you want to spend time with me? NOW that you’re at the end of your master’s and I’ll be getting things in order?#Do You See Me As A Creative Peer Or Someone Who Could Be One#or am I just a Pretty Gurl Who’s A Poor Lost Waif Who Sings Pretty#…you never did tell me what you thought of my script’s draft#and have been suspiciously Silent about your own art#do you REALIZE that to do ANYTHING together…you’re gonna have to drive. and I don’t want to do anything that costs money#because 1) it feels unbalanced (regardless if it’s a date or simply hanging out. but your body language screams Date?? not Hangout)#and 2) …I’ll be needing to keep a fisthold control of my finances as it’s gonna be stuck as reimbursements + debt#I…cannot see how I can mentally or physically take on a job. nevermind nobody’s wanted me to work for them for anything not janitorial#…so…yeah. how the hell can I even feel like anyone’s peer#when I’ll be at least a decade older. mentally ill. disabled. and can’t work because of it#how am I supposed to feel like anything but a porceline doll with rotting rubber joint connections + glockinspeal
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ladyhavilliard · 10 months
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i've long understood why representation is important but i don't think I actually felt for myself how important it can be until reading loveless and watching Isaac's journey in heartstopper this year... My best friend is ace, but we have very different opinions/feelings/experiences/whatever when it comes to this. I have known about the aro/ace spectrums for so long. And yet knowing and actually seeing/reading someone go through a similiar experience resonates with you unlike anything else.
#i don't like talking about my identity irl. i am not ashamed to say it now that i think i figured it out#but i still don't talk about it more. even with friends#i just... while i know talking about things helps.. i have always preffered to 'heal' and go through things more quietly#I seek support from friends but in the way that i want them to be with me and just spend time together and make me happy#they keep me as happy as possible so i can work on my shit quietly inside my head#and while this is usually helpful for me#there are often times when i hate myself for everything. my struggles. my identity. everything about me#but seeing characters go through these things#have the same thoughts#and yet they are not anything less because of it!!!! instead it is like a missing piece has been found#and i just... i know on a theoretical level that there is nothing wrong with me but i do need the actual reminder#and georgia and isaac are both similiar to me in some ways and the fact that i can relate to them outside of being aroace just makes#me feel all the more human. all the more valid#idk what i'm even talking about#it's just... i didn't realize how much i needed to see someone with my exact same thoughts in order to figure out that#there are so many other ppl like me. we might be unique but we ar also the same and so i am not alone in this#even when i'm quiet and lost in my head. i am not alone in this <3#aroace#heartstopper#loveless#sorry this is mostly a rant#as anything i have lately posted is
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moe-broey · 1 year
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Thank you transwomen (in general but also) for the term "boymode" bc using that terminology for myself as a transguy (so, "girlmode") has been the only way I've been able to aptly and succinctly describe whatever the hell was going on *vaguely gestering to my adolescence from ages 15 to 19* there.
#hope i'm not overstepping or saying some dumb shit LMFAO#but like. speaking v generally. esp in the beginning of unpacking 'oh fuck i. i don't think i'm a girl.'#i found i related a lot more to transfemme experiences of living one way for so long all your life playing A Role#and in some cases leaning heavily into masculinity to 'prove' you couldn't possibly be a woman#than like. so many transmasc experiences i'd see online of like 'oh i always knew.'#and the staples of the experience being like. tomboyish. baggy hoodies. ect.#and like i'm not saying any of that in a derogatory or dismissive way. it's just so much of what i saw as a teen#'researching' being trans so i can be a better 'ally' to my friends and classmates LMFAOO#also this is why the narrative of transmen being 'lost girls' and 'just tomboys' is SOOOO stupid it's funny to me like.#there was a very short stint in middle school where i was more 'tomboyish' in appearance#very quickly it was corrected out of me by the influence of loved ones and myself. that wasn't Really Me#let me tell you. the combination of people pleaser/autistic masking is INSANE esppp when you're in an Evil Setting for it LMFAO#<- evil setting being my specific brand of christianity i was brought up w#but case and point i don't think i was ever actually a tomboy. i was HIGHLY feminine actually.#and i found a lot of delights in feminity too! esppp a love of fashion and cute aesthetics#so like. describing my experience w gender/presentation has always been really difficult language-wise#saying 'when i was a girl' doesn't feel right cause i never was one. just played A Role. i didn't always know though.#i didn't even realize i WAS playing a role. also there were things i genuinely loved and enjoyed associated w feminity.#and saying 'post transition' is weird to me too bc. i'm not? there yet? i'm not done yet.#and any which way of trying to describe 'when i came out' is clunky bc i was always outed/forced out#like. multiple times. even before i had the time to explore it/make sense of it myself.#def rambling but. girlmode and autistic masking are synonyms to me now. it captures everything.#i swear to god the parallels between autism/being trans drive me INSANE to me they are always informing one another.#like i feel like i could write an entire fucking essay about it. if i was an academic i would fucking KILL it
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