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doiefy · 3 years

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blue // na jaemin

“The winter has passed and the spring has come We have withered and our hearts are bruised from longing”

- blue, bigbang

In which one ceases to age until they find their soulmate, with whom they then grow old. In which everyone has moved on without you.

genre: soulmate!au, fluff, angst, slow burn

pairings: jaemin x female reader (written with a female character in mind, but it can easily be gender neutral!), features relationships with other dream members, briefly mentions haechan x jeno

word count: 11.6 k

warnings: language, mentions of alcohol and smoking, mentions of war, mentions of death, discussions of Korea under Japanese occupation, some of the historical references may be inaccurate.

taglist (DM, comment or Ask to be added): @simplicitysbabe Big thank you to @neojaems for beta reading this for me !! <333

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Your test comes back blue.

When you rip open the envelope containing your results, you find the little coloured square hidden between pages and pages of lab protocols, testing procedures and other nonsense you know no one actually has the time to read. Then there are the stupid pamphlets, the ones with overtly bright and bubbly messages reassuring people that they’ll find their “special someone” soon, slogans most likely written by people who found their soulmates before they even turned twenty. You scoff, shoving the useless papers back into the envelope and recalling the first time you tested back in 1945, right after the war. The receptionist wrote your results down on a piece of paper and nonchalantly told you to have your emotional breakdown outside.

Now you stare at the blue marking on your paper blankly. It simply means you haven’t aged biologically in ten years, but when you haven’t aged in decades, it means nothing. While the world progresses, you remain frozen in the same body, playing a cruel game with fate. And as with any game that one cannot win, you’ve slowly become bored with it, allowing it to take its course while you sit idle nearby. You feel only disappointed, and not even perplexed or surprised in the slightest. Something about meeting Jaemin just seemed too good to be true; after a lifetime of misfortune and failure, something about the bad news feels… expected. Inevitable. As if unconsciously, you knew he wasn’t the one.

Na Jaemin is not your soulmate. And you spend the walk home contemplating how you’ll tell him this.

When you unlock the door to your shared apartment, you know he’s already home, and earlier than usual: his shoes are placed meticulously on the rack by the door and his jacket is hung up next to the messenger bag he takes to work. The living room smells faintly of the pine and vanilla candle you bought last month, and you smell traces of shampoo and bodywash from the bathroom.

“I’m home!” you call out as you kick your shoes off and put them neatly next to Jaemin’s. There’s a muffled response of your name before the door to your room opens. Then his arms are around you, his face buried in the crook of your neck as he mumbles a tired greeting.

“Bad day?” You ask softly, pushing all your other thoughts to the back of your head. He looks exhausted. His hair is tucked messily under the hood of his navy sweater, still damp from the shower he took earlier. His eyes lack the usual brightness you often find yourself so immersed in, replaced with the fatigue and weariness he almost never brings home.

“I hate this company,” he sighs as you run your fingers through his hair. You feel him relax in your arms a bit. “My boss is a dick, everyone in my department hates each other and the coffee tastes like actual ass. Maybe I should just quit while I still can.”

You frown. “Jaem, you’ve been with them for literally a month. You can’t possibly be thinking about quitting already.”

“A month! A month in and I’m already having mental breakdowns under my desk at lunch. Imagine what will become of me if I spend a year there,” he scowls, but his expression softens when you kiss him reassuringly on the cheek. “Alright, alright, fine, maybe not quit, maybe I’ll just take a long, long, vacation and then retire… Move to the countryside with you…” He trails off dreamily and for a moment, you lose yourself in the fantasy he’s painted for you. The mental image of a quaint house by the ocean is quickly shattered when you remember the test results hidden in your bag. The sunflowers you envisioned surrounding the cottage are blown away in the wind, their bright yellow petals swallowed by the blueness of the sky.

“Oh, you wish,” you laugh, quickly pressing your lips to his in hopes that he won’t see your expression, that he won’t see the sadness and regret you’re fighting to suppress. “Maybe, baby, maybe one day we can do that.”

“Maybe,” he laughs, his face lighting up with the energy and liveliness that has been missing. “But enough about me. How was your day, love?”

“Mm. The same old,” you say, pulling out of his arms so you can finally take your jacket off. You crash into the couch where you fold up your scarf and toss it aside. “Stressful.”

He stares at you for a hard moment, visibly concerned as if he can tell there’s something troubling on your mind. “Is something the matter?” He asks carefully, sitting down next to you. He holds you at arm’s length so he can look at you properly. “Is this about the test?”

“What? Oh, no, not the test. I doubt the results will come in until sometime next week.” The lie slips out easier than it should, and you feel guilt slowly start to twist your insides. Just a white lie, you tell yourself. It can’t hurt anyone but yourself. He’s been through enough today. He’s tired. Not tonight. It can wait. “I’m just tired,” you shrug. “I need some dinner and a nap, then I’ll be all good again. Do we still have anything in the fridge or should we order takeout?”

“I already ordered chicken from Yong’s. I had a feeling that today would be a bad day for the both of us,” Jaemin grins. His smile is smug at first, then endearing when he sees your shock.

You practically pounce on him in excitement, and the two of you go crashing into the couch cushions until you have him pinned beneath you. “Oh my god, I fucking love you, you know that?”

Jaemin groans, curling into himself as he gives you a wounded look. “And that’s how you show your love? By trying to break my bones?”

“Besides the point,” you huff. “You aren’t going to say it back?”

“Yes, of course. I love you too.”

Unsatisfied with his answer, you lower your face so your lips are hovering just inches above his. He looks up at you starry-eyed, his fingers ghosting over your cheeks; you can’t help but notice the way his gaze travels briefly to your lips.

Then you realize how dangerous this is. You know that he’s not the one. You know that you’ll eventually part ways with him when he finds out, no matter how reluctant you’ll feel. Every moment you spend with him like this will come back to haunt you when he’s gone. It will become another reminder of what you’re about to lose, yet here you are, falling deeper into his embrace, intoxicated by his scent and lost in the depth of his eyes. You are only tying more strings between the two of you, strings that will need to be stretched and snapped. You are only making it more painful for the both of you.

But for tonight, you don’t care.

“Say it like you mean it,” you whisper.

He holds your face gently, and those sparks you felt upon your first meeting with him are still there, igniting each time he looks at you, blazing into an open flame when he tells you, “I love you.”

You kiss him with more urgency this time, your lips meeting his in a clash of teeth and tongue. He puts his hands around your waist and pulls you impossibly closer to him. For just a moment, you’re focused on only him and his presence. For just a moment, you forget about everything; the sheet of test results is just another piece of paper in your bag, the blue mark just another colour. Because tonight, he is all that matters to you.

You met Na Jaemin almost three years ago.

Though the details have faded with time, you remember your first conversation well. It began at a friend’s art show beneath the golden glow of the studio lights, the two of you surrounded by brilliant splashes of colour and bold strokes of texture. Renjun had insisted on introducing you to Jaemin before you even arrived at the gallery, and you couldn’t have possibly refused. Your friendship with Renjun goes way back to the 40s, and you often think he knows you better than you know yourself. “I think he could be good for you,” he told you quietly just before leaving to speak with his other guests.

At first, Jaemin seemed timeless. It was as if he didn’t belong to any particular time period, as if he had lived to see several generations rise and fall, but had never risen or fallen with any of them. Dressed elegantly in a fitted turtleneck and a wool coat, he appeared youthful and contemporary; yet the way he spoke hinted at a certain maturity, at wisdom and sagacity. There was something charming about him too, something about the way he recounted events of the past and drew you in with only his words.

Next to a breathtaking oil painting of the sea, you discovered your commonalities. He was almost two decades younger, but like you, had spent his entire life searching for a partner without much success. You were delighted to learn that he had also worked in teaching—though he mentioned changing careers frequently whenever things became too mundane. He was effortlessly intriguing, and every word he spoke was lively and animated. He infused your conversations with colours, painted everything in bright yellows and aquamarines that matched the swirling paint strokes of the artworks around you, left you wanting to know more without even trying.

You left the gallery that night with his number in your coat pocket. Needless to say, Renjun was thrilled.

Weeks passed before you saw him again. Your busy schedules always managed to get in the way of your plans, but the two of you still kept in touch, chatting late into the night and well into the early hours. As the months went by, you dared to hope that maybe he was the one.

You immediately scolded yourself for being naive. With all your past partners, you had been hopeful in the same way, only to be let down in the end. Your test when you were with Donghyuck came back blue, as did the one with Mark. Both have since moved on, found their soulmates and written their happy endings. Even if you still stay in touch and meet up for an occasional coffee, you know that you are only a distant memory to them in some way or another.

The prospect of the same thing happening with Jaemin had never occurred to you—you’d been so caught up in getting to know him, so blinded that you’d completely forgotten. And then you saw him differently. As if he were a flame that could be snuffed out in an instant, a feather that could be sent flying with the slightest breeze, the slightest breath. You mulled over it for weeks and always did so silently, until it finally came up in conversation.

Almost a year had passed since you’d met him. With the summer coming to an end, the two of you had driven down to the Han River where you sat in the open trunk of his car, sharing a can of cheap beer from the convenience store. There were no words, only the faint melody of an old pop song buzzing from your phone and his hand around yours.

“Move in with me,” he said at last, glancing at you expectantly, trying to gauge your reaction. It wasn’t completely out of the blue—you’d been searching for a new apartment for weeks—but it still took you by surprise. “Too fast?” He asked when he registered your shock.

“No, not at all,” you shook your head and squeezed his hand. “Don’t get me wrong Jaem, I’d love to. It’s just, I don’t know about any of this. About us. If we’re actually…”

He hummed a quiet response, his brows furrowing slightly in contemplation. “Soulmates,” he said with a melancholic sigh. “You don’t want to go any further before we know for certain. I understand.”

You nodded. “It always hurts, you know? You think you’ve finally found them only to realize you’ve been completely wrong the whole time.”

“I know,” he said, and his empathy flooded you with warmth and reassurance. “You always think you’ll be prepared for the next time. You always think it will hurt less as time goes by. But it doesn’t.”

“Exactly.”

You tipped the last of the beer into your mouth; it tasted faintly sweet on your tongue before dissolving into a pleasant bitterness that hit the back of your throat. When you were finished, Jaemin took the empty can and fiddled with the tab, bending it back and forth until it snapped off.

“I want it to be you,” he told you after a few minutes of silence. “I want it to be us.”

“And if we aren’t?”

He kissed you, hard enough for you to see stars. It wasn’t desperate or longing, but it seemed to convey a hundred different thoughts all at once, a hundred different emotions for you to decipher. When he finally pulled away, his voice was thoughtful and he was seemingly lost in a pleasant daydream. “Oh, love, the universe has already cursed us to search eternally. We may as well spend eternity together.”

“Seriously, Jaemin, what if we aren’t?”

The tremor of your voice snapped him out of it. The glimmer of hope disappeared from his pupils and the dream slipped from his hands.

“We’ve been alive for so long,” you continued, trying to keep your voice steady. “I don’t think I can go on like this. What if we aren’t meant to be? What will we do?”

You didn’t regret your time with Donghyuck or Mark or Jungwoo or any of the people you were lucky enough to have met, but you’d watched all of them from afar, watched them grow while you stayed frozen in time. Each new generation that came along was only a reminder of your loneliness. You felt a certain emptiness each time you invited new people into your life, one that deepened when they eventually left you behind. Or worse, when they gave you their pity. You couldn’t stand it when people told you that it was unfair or that you deserved better, all while they lived comfortably with their soulmates. You weren’t jealous, nor could you ever be angry at them for something beyond their control. Your anger was directed at the invisible forces that toyed with the world, the mischievous hands spinning the universe in some strange direction that left only you disoriented.

His expression took on a faint sadness and when he spoke again, his voice was calm, barely a whisper. “Then so be it. If you need to move on, it would be selfish of me to stop you from doing so.” He stared out at the waters wistfully, at the yachts sailing downstream. “And besides, you’re right. Maybe it’s time we settle down… even if it’s not with each other.”

Your birthday came a few months after that night, but you held off on testing. The bus you took home from work passed by one of the labs, but you never got off at the stop, always watched the doors open and close from your seat. The test isn’t that accurate anyways, you told yourself; it could produce only an approximate biological age, so maybe the longer you waited, the better.

But in the end, it was simply an excuse to escape reality, to avoid your confrontation with fate itself.

You moved in with him just before the end of the year.

New Year’s Eve wasn’t a big deal for you (you’d lived through too many for it to be exciting), but you spent the last minutes of the year with him, surrounded by cardboard boxes waiting to be unpacked. Jaemin had still made some sort of effort at festivities despite your indifference: pale pink and gold candles lit around the living room, golden champagne in delicate glasses set on the table.

You were almost asleep when the clock struck twelve, wrapped up in one of his oversized sweaters and a white throw blanket. The celebratory music blaring from the TV was muffled in your ears, a pleasant symphony that lulled you deeper into sleep until Jaemin awoke you with a kiss.

“Happy New Year, Y/N.”

“Happy New Year, Jaem,” you mumbled, a smile ghosting your lips as you focused on the comfort you felt in his arms; on the new year, on your new home, new hope.

You know something’s wrong.

Jaemin doesn’t come out to greet you, even after you announce your arrival. He’s home—his shoes and coat are put away neatly like any other day—yet it’s deathly silent, terribly still. No music playing in the living room, no voice down the hallway. Only the occasional chirp from your broken smoke detector, which you’ve been meaning to fix for weeks. As you bend down to unlace your boots, you can’t help but worry.

You find him in your shared bedroom, sitting cross-legged on the comforter. The sun has almost set and the shadows stretch across the room, blanketing him in darkness and masking his expression with ambiguity. He doesn’t move when you turn on the lamp on the bedside table. He doesn’t move when you sit next to him.

There’s a familiar sheet of paper in his hands.

“Jaem, I…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

It isn’t accusatory or hostile; his voice is laced with nothing but sadness, yet you feel so much guilt, guilt that closes around your throat and squeezes the air out of your lungs, leaving you breathless. You kept it from him for days, and now this is the way he must find out about it. From a piece of paper you were careless enough to leave where he might find it. From a piece of paper detailing the DNA extracted from a sample of your blood. You should have told him.

“I didn’t know how to,” you let out a shaky breath. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Are you serious?” There it is, the cold edge that begins creeping into his voice as he stares down at you. He flicks a finger in the direction of the date printed at the top of the paper. “It’s been a week, Y/N. You kept this from me for a week. Why?”

“I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you, okay?” It comes out sharper than you intended; you immediately begin to drown in guilt as soon as you see Jaemin’s expression fall. You didn’t mean to lash out, and now you make up for it by taking his hands in yours. They're ice cold. “Look, the day I found out, you were already tired from work. I didn’t want to bring it up and make everything worse—”

“So you lied. Said the results hadn’t come in yet,” he says flatly and you rush to defend yourself, only to realize that he’s right.

“I’m sorry.”

The rest of your words don’t come. With a tired exhale, you bury your head in your hands, too overwhelmed to say anything else. You can only hope that he’ll understand, that he’ll empathize and that he’ll forgive you, even if you don’t exactly believe you deserve any of it right now. You hold back the tears. Only when he pulls you into his arms do they fall. He takes your hands, gently pulling them away from your face so he can wipe your tears despite your protests. There’s no coldness in his expression now, only concern.

“I needed time to process everything,” you continue, but you choke on the words. “I couldn’t even accept it myself, I couldn’t—”

“I know, love,” he says quietly as his thumb brushes against your cheek. “I know. It’s alright.”

Your silent sniffles turn into unrestrained sobs as he pulls you into his embrace, your pent-up emotions finally released in the form of silvery streams on your cheeks. You aren’t sure how much time passes. The sun meets the horizon in a hazy line of faint pink and orange. The sky darkens. Outside, the city lights up in a multitude of hues, the amber light from the street below seeping into your room. The minutes go by, but Jaemin never lets go of you until your tears have run dry.

“Better?” He asks, albeit his voice is shaky, his gaze trembling when he looks up at you. You nod.

“We’ll figure this out,” his eyes seem to say. You can tell he’s just as terrified as you are, just as unsure and as lost. Though for now, you simply hold each other. You say nothing about the paper that lays discarded on the floor or what it entails, even if you both feel the need to address it, to face its implications. In this moment of brokenness, neither of you have the strength to do so.

You eventually collect yourselves. You make dinner and force yourselves to eat before passing a meaningless hour in front of the TV. You clean up, wash up. Sleep early in preparation for tomorrow. Jaemin never leaves your side.

“Where do we go from here?” You whisper into the darkness of your bedroom.

“Tomorrow, love,” you hear him say just before slipping into unconsciousness, into restless sleep.

According to Lee Donghyuck, the chances of meeting your soulmate are 1 in 10 000. Or at least, scientifically. Theoretically. Donghyuck was a man of logic and reason, and had your lives not revolved around soulmates like the earth revolved around the sun, perhaps he wouldn’t have believed in fate at all.

“Remove fate from the equation,” Donghyuck mumbled to himself thoughtfully, jotting a few numbers down on a paper napkin. “And let’s assume your soulmate is around your age.”

“Can’t you rule that one out too?” You pointed out, but he was too busy, already lost in his thoughts.

“If your soulmate is determined at birth and instantly recognizable at first sight… And they’re actually alive somewhere in the world…”

You watched the quick movements of his blue pen with intrigue. He spun the pen restlessly, allowing its barrel to cross over and under and between his fingers, at times so quickly that it became nothing but a blur of colour. Finally, he scribbled a final verdict and inked two definitive circles around it. “If fate hadn’t been so kind, the chances would have been one in ten thousand. One lifetime out of ten thousand.”

“That slim? Ten thousand lifetimes, that’s nearly impossible,” you said, skeptical but amused at his train of thought nonetheless. You took the napkin from him and looked over his calculations, though some of the numbers were too big for you to check without a calculator. You trusted that Donghyuck had done them correctly though. “You know, if you told that to someone who’d spent a century searching for their soulmate, they’d probably beat you up. You’re lucky I like you.”

He giggled. “We’re lucky it’s only hypothetical.” He took the napkin from you and crumpled it, smudging the neon blue ink on the tips on his fingers.

With Donghyuck, things were simpler. He was young, young enough to not be in a hurry, young enough to speak his thoughts so freely. He never pitied you or worried about offending you, and he never treated you as if you were out of place among the new generations. He offered you perspective. You knew that you weren’t meant for each other, but you were still content to spend your time with each other. To wait together.

“So… I might have found a new place.”

You don’t miss the surprise on Jaemin’s face when you tell him over dinner. His eyes widen a bit in curiosity, his brows arching upwards and his mouth falling slightly agape. He sets his fork down against his plate, folding his hands together the way he does when he’s deep in thought.

“Already?” He inquires. Maybe you imagine a hint of disappointment in his voice, a slight dip in his tone. He looks at you with a sort of sadness, as if trying to imagine what it would be like with you gone, to come home to an empty apartment every night. “Seriously, Y/N, you’re welcome to stay if you need to. We said we would take the changes slowly.” His words aren’t just out of consideration for you.

More than a month has gone by silently, and within that time, the frigid cold of winter has finally given way to spring. Nothing has really changed when you think about it, as if your test results are meaningless. And you suppose that they have become just that, a meaningless scrap of paper at the bottom of the recycling bin in the kitchen. Jaemin still holds you the same way, though his touches are just a little bit more fleeting. Your conversations still extend late into the night, though they feel just slightly melancholic. You hang onto his every word even while telling yourself not to, that maybe there is no point in doing so when everything is already coming to an end.

“I don’t know if I’ll take it… at least not for sure. And even if I do, I won’t be moving in until April. I just thought I’d tell you ahead of time,” you tell him, reaching across the table to take his hand. “I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I think I need some time alone. So I can adjust to all of this.”

“No, I understand. It’s just a little jarring, you know? Don’t know what it’ll be like without you here.”

“It’s literally only a block away,” you giggle, and he smiles. “I’ll still be here.”

After the coolness of February comes grey skies and a drizzly March, heavy rainfall washing the white snow to grey slush. Eventually, the clouds part across the sky for the sun, allowing the brilliant blue of the sky to peek through. April comes sooner than expected, producing blooms of yellow and white in the flowery courtyards of your new apartment complex, bursts of bright colours along the cobblestone paths.

You stand surrounded by boxes in the middle of your new studio apartment, watching the people pass by on the streets below. The windows are cracked open for air and you can hear the bustle outside, the yells of the street vendors, an occasional shriek of a child’s laughter. The new bedframe and mattress you ordered stand leaning against the wall in the corner, waiting to be assembled. Jaemin stumbles through the door with another box and sets it down before dusting his hands off on his jeans.

“That’s the last one,” he says. He collapses on the couch that the previous owner left behind, out of breath. You sit down next to him, allowing him to rest his head on your lap. He finally looks around, then at you. “Everything you hoped for?”

You nod happily. “I’ll miss having you around though,” you chuckle, playing with the soft strands of his hair, freshly dyed—after losing a drunken bet to Renjun a week ago, he reluctantly let the latter bleach and tone his hair bright silver. But you think it suits him; it accentuates the darkness of his eyes and paleness of his skin, gives him a cold and chic edge offset by the gentleness of his smile.

“I’ll still be here,” he repeats your words from two months ago. “And you’ll be much closer to work, right? No more crazy subway routes and early mornings. At the cost of me being your personal alarm clock, of course.” He grins, and you smack him with a red throw pillow.

“I won’t miss that,” you roll your eyes teasingly.

“Whatever you say, love.” He lifts his head off your lap to press a kiss against your cheek.

You spend the rest of the afternoon with him, unpacking boxes, hanging up clothes, building the bedframe and fitting the mattress with clean sheets so that at least you’ll have somewhere to sleep tonight. When the sun sets, everything is lit in an ethereal glow, and you stare out the floor-length windows, admiring the sky. Jaemin joins you after a moment, wrapping his arms around you as the two of you rock back and forth to the steady rhythm of the music playing from his phone.

When he leaves in the evening, he gives you a final hug, jokingly telling you not to miss him too much. When he’s gone, you find yourself staring out the window once more, at the blocky silhouette of Jaemin’s building a few blocks away. He pointed it out earlier, thrilled that you could see so far from this high up.

You quickly learn that on cloudy days, it is nothing but a smudge of grey in the distance.

While Donghyuck always tried to ease your worries with reason and strokes of pen ink on his skin, Mark took you on long drives around the city, hoping that the wind blowing through your hair would clear your mind.

On late nights when you couldn’t sleep, you often found yourself in the passenger seat of his 1975 Hyundai Pony, listening to static-laced 80s rock music while he drove you around the streets of Seoul. He would always roll the windows down in the summer and watch the contentment on your face, one hand around yours while the other guided the wheel.

Mark Lee was even older than you—and with all the wars and tragedies he’d lived through, he understood what it felt like to be kept awake by the nightmares. To be kept awake by thoughts of loved ones being blown to bits, to be haunted with memories of the past. With how long he’d been searching for the right person, he knew the urgency you felt and the longing to finally settle down with a soulmate. He understood.

The stories he told you were woven between puffs of cigarette smoke and gentle kisses on your forehead. He told you about Canada and the mountains that surrounded Vancouver, where he’d spent some time in the 40s. He told you about his family, about his brother’s grandchildren who looked older than he did. It was strange, he’d admitted with a small laugh and sadness in his smile.

The two of you often pointed out buildings along the side of the road, reminiscing what stood in their place before the bulldozers and big trucks rolled in. Just down the street from his apartment, the old drive-in cinema was being replaced by an upscale theatre. Next to it, a park was being cleared for a new shopping centre. Even the studio he’d rented out last summer had been demolished so a new entertainment agency could build its empire. Once in a while, he would drive by and stare ruefully at the construction site—the classical compositions he’d once recorded there were being replaced by a new type of music, with catchy beats and pretty pop stars dressed in shiny outfits.

His music had been drowned out by a new industry, and likewise, many of the things you remembered from your childhood have been lost to time. Talking about the past with him helped you remember. It was a sort of reassurance even as you moved on.

Mark eased a bit of your pain, staying out with you until the early hours of morning to make sure that you were alright. The next morning, he would almost always call to ask if you’d slept okay, unless there was an issue with the old landline phone in his office. All concept of time disappeared when you were with him, along with your memories and the demons haunting your dreams. But eventually, he would drop you off at home and bid you goodnight, leaving you to watch him drive away. Eventually, the night came to an end.

He couldn’t stay with you the whole night, nor could he stay with you forever.

Your evenings are often interrupted by Jaemin’s messages asking you to come over. Sometimes he says that he misses you, or he wants to see you for dinner. Other times, he kisses you breathless against the closed door as soon as you’ve stepped inside, always with an unmatched fervour and urgency as if you might slip right through his grasp and disappear.

Tonight, however, it’s neither.

It’s half past midnight when your phone is set off in a series of quick vibrations. Wrapped in nothing but a towel with your hair still dripping, you type in a reply, hesitate, press send. You get changed, slipping into a pair of jeans and an oversized T-shirt before grabbing your keys.

Jaemin is uncharacteristically quiet when he opens the door for you, his gaze downcast so you can’t see his expression. He’s deteriorating; you can see it in the way he turns his back to you after locking the door, the way he walks inside with a halfhearted invitation for you to follow.

“What’s wrong?” You ask when you’ve sat down across from him.

“I think I found them,” he mumbles and you notice how he averts your gaze. “My soulmate, I mean. I think I found her.”

“Wait, then why with the long face? Jaem, that’s great—”

He cuts you off with a sharp bark of emotionless laughter. His expression turns bitter when he pulls his sleeve up to reveal a mark along his wrist: two linear streaks of dark purple that twist together like the centre petals of a rose. He stares at it, almost with contempt. Apart from the standardized DNA tests, markings are the only other way to identify soulmates, though they almost never show. No one has any proper explanation for them and you have no explanation for why Jaemin has one now.

“Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s great. She’s smart. She’s funny. We have the same mark so I know it’s her,” he says shakily. “But god, I must have really fucked up in a past life to deserve this.”

You feel dread. It hits you all at once, because the way Jaemin speaks is so distant and unnerving, as if he’s lost himself in a trance and forgotten all about you. You’ve seen this dazed look before, only twice, when he was truly distressed and truly lost. This isn’t like him.

He found her. He should be happy. You should be happy for him. He should be happy.

“What is it?”

“I think I’m broken. Something’s wrong with me.”

“What do you mean?” You ask, and you try to keep the urgency out of your voice for his sake. He doesn’t say anything. “Jaemin?”

“I don’t feel anything when I’m with her. Nothing.”

You don’t register his words. They don’t make any sense to you. They are barely coherent. No, you think. That can’t be possible.

“Maybe we rejected each other in a past life and then both offed ourselves. Or maybe this is just the universe’s way of saying ‘fuck you.’ Maybe—”

“Stop that,” you tell him firmly. “Whatever this is, there has to be an explanation for it. Marks don’t just appear out of nowhere, right?” You pause to take a shaky breath, suddenly realizing that your words aren’t meant to comfort only him. “We can look into it. We can figure out what’s going on. This is the 21st Century, remember?”

“But what am I even supposed to tell her?” He demands, his tone exasperated and his brows furrowed together. “‘I know you’ve been looking for me for your whole life, but I can’t see you as anything more than a friend, sucks for you’? What do I do, spend the rest of my life drowning in guilt and self-pity because I couldn’t love her the way she wanted me to? Because I could only pretend?”

You have no answers for him. Perhaps he hasn’t felt anything for her because he hasn’t let go of you. Perhaps it really was a mistake, a freak accident in the cosmos that put the wrong marks on the wrong people, designating a pair that was never meant to be. Your thoughts run wild, but you can’t put anything into words for him. Even if you could, you don’t think you would have the strength to say anything aloud.

Instead, you hold him in your arms, wiping away the tears of frustration that have formed at the corners of his eyes, running your fingers through his hair. You can only hope that his soulmate will do the same for him some day, perhaps in some future where the cruel forces watching over you cease their endless games. Genuinely, you hope.

The tone goes off a third time. You glance at the clock across the room: 11 AM. He has to be up by now, you think to yourself as your fingers continue drumming a repetitive rhythm onto the kitchen counter.

“Hello?”

Just before the automated voice can tell you to leave a voicemail, he picks up. Donghyuck’s voice is groggy, as if he’s just woken up—or maybe he’s just about to go to bed. With his disaster of a sleep schedule, you can never be sure.

“Hi, it’s me.”

“Oh hey, you, I know you.” You hear him chuckle on the other end of the line. “How are you, Y/N? I haven’t heard from you in ages.”

“I’m alright, the usual, I guess. How about you? How’s Jeno?”

“Jeno adopted another cat because he’s fucking insane, so now we have three little furballs running around the house. But yeah, it’s going great! So great,” he drawls with a familiar bite of sarcasm. You smile to yourself. “If he brings home another one because ‘Oh Hyuck, look it’s so cute, can we keep it?’ I will literally choke him in his sleep. Anyways, what’s going on? You never call me.”

“You never pick up,” you huff, earning a small laugh from him. “Okay, I wanted to ask you something. What do you know about soulmate marks?”

Thoughtful silence. “Not much. I mean, I’ve got my theories, but nothing has really been proven. Why, did you get one?”

“No, not me. Jaemin.”

“Oh, Y/N… then that means…”

“It’s alright, don’t concern yourself with me, Donghyuck. I’m more worried about him, honestly.”

“Hm?”

“He found his soulmate recently, but it’s not exactly… it’s not going as expected, let's just say that. He said he feels almost nothing when he’s with her, and to make things worse, apparently now it’s mutual. God, Donghyuck, they’re so awkward with each other, it physically hurts me.”

Donghyuck is silent again, and you hear the faint clicking of his keyboard. You can almost see his contemplative gaze and the soft blue glow of his computer screen lighting his face. “Did they know each other at all before the marks appeared?”

“Yeah, they were coworkers.”

He hums. “Okay… that could be why. Marks have a tendency to appear if soulmates have been around each other for extended periods of time without realizing it. It’s like nature’s way of telling them that the person they’re looking for is right in front of them. As for why they haven’t felt anything for each other? I dunno… reincarnation can really fuck with people. Any previous sentiments for your soulmate stick with you as you pass on, even if you’re both reborn completely different people.”

I must have really fucked up in a past life to deserve this. Jaemin’s words echo in your head.

“Obviously, there’s still opportunity to fix things,” Donghyuck adds quickly before you can get too lost in your thoughts. “It just takes time. Honestly, I wouldn’t be too concerned”

“I know, I know,” you groan. “I’m just upset that after everything he’s gone through, this is the shit he has to deal with.”

“Yeah. I can’t even imagine.” He pauses. “You know, a lot of people would just run off if they were in the same situation. He’s lucky to have you.”

You give a breathless laugh and shrug. “I feel like it’s the least I can do.”

“You never give yourself enough credit,” Donghyuck says, a hint of melancholy to his voice. There’s a sudden noise in the distance that cuts him off, and he curses beneath his breath. “Shit, the new cat’s not trained yet and I think she’s doing something stupid in the kitchen. Jeno will kill me if anything happens to her.”

You suppress a giggle. “Go ahead. We can catch up some other time.”

“Of course. See you, Y/N.”

The line clicks.

If Donghyuck taught you to be hopeful and Mark taught you to be strong, Jungwoo taught you to be brave.

Kim Jungwoo was your first love, and in many ways, you consider him to be irreplaceable. Perhaps it had simply been the result of young naivety back then, but you thought he was unlike any other person you’d ever met. In hindsight, he was different. A bright light dancing his way into your life when you were only a child in the 30s, a free-spirited boy who went where he pleased despite living under such an oppressive regime.

The Kims lived only a few doors down. You frequently saw the boys in their front yard kicking a beat-up soccer ball back and forth between them. Jungwoo was the middle child, and he sat right in front of you in class, his back always perfectly straight against his wooden chair so as to avoid the teachers’ chastisement. He was a quiet boy, and he never said a word unless it was to answer a question. But even then, his voice was small—not exactly shy or scared, just quiet. He quickly learned to raise his voice when the teacher hit him on the back of the hand with a ruler and demanded he speak up, when the wood scraped apart the skin of his knuckles.

At the time, when Japanese was all too foreign on your tongue and you struggled to understand anything taught in class, you thought he was a genius. He always had the right answers when he was called upon and there wasn’t a trace of an accent in either of his languages. Not that you heard him speak Korean much; you didn’t dare speak it unless you were hidden in your own homes, where your parents could discuss the uprisings without having to worry about the police roaming freely outside. Though, they still spoke in hushed voices as if anyone could hear them, as if terrified for what could happen if someone did hear.

The first time you spoke to Jungwoo properly was in middle school. After a humiliating incident at school that left you in tears, he ran to catch up with you on the way home and spoke to you in timid Korean, offering to help. You were still teary-eyed and beyond upset, but you let him guide you through your homework. He rambled to you about the Japanese grammar you couldn’t understand and explained the mistakes you’d made for your teacher to lash out at you the way she had. It didn’t stop you from making the same mistakes the next day, but at least he was patient, unlike the adults at school.

“You’re not stupid,” he told you one afternoon on the way home. Again, you were in tears.

“But the teachers think I am,” you grunted. “And I feel stupid. I can’t understand a word they say. I never have the right answers. Everything I say is wrong. If that’s not stupidity, I don’t know what it is.”

“Y/N, all we do at school is memorize meaningless facts that don’t really matter,” he replied with a shrug. “Just because you can’t shove all that information into your head doesn’t mean that you’re stupid. Look at Doyoung. He was failing school but he’s still one of the smartest people I know. He just… learns differently.”

“So? That doesn’t make me smart either. They still think—”

Jungwoo scoffed. “Who cares what they think? I think you’re wonderful, and they’re the real freaks. Miss Ito, especially.” He wrinkled his nose. “She smells funny.”

“Hey, be nice, Jungwoo,” you chided, but you were laughing. He was effortlessly funny and it was such a pleasant contrast to the way he acted at school. He was always so disciplined and perfect when the adults were watching, but he seemed to let loose around you. It made you feel… special, in a way. Validated, accepted. Something you never felt at school.

You walked home with him almost everyday from then on. You became inseparable, even when your school shut down and sent all the students to gender-segregated schools, even when your parents worried that you were spending too much of your time with him instead of studying. Even when war arrived.

The Second World War plunged your lives into darkness; Jungwoo quickly became the only light to guide you. He was there for you while your parents were away, while they laboured in the factories making helmets and guns and bullets so that they could at least put food on the table. He was there when the light at the end of the tunnel went dim, though he was miles away from home.

Jungwoo had never struck you as a fighter or rebel, even if he had the physique of a soldier. He had the drive and the courage and the steel to fight, but you only saw gentleness in his monthly letters to you. The last letter you received from him still sits in a drawer somewhere, the last words he wrote sealed in a plastic envelope so that they won’t fade away.

You took the test a few months after the war ended, only because he had pleaded with you to do so. Even if I don’t make it home, he wrote to you in the same curving script he’d used to teach you years ago. Promise me.

When the receptionist gave you a piece of paper with an X marked next to your name—there were no colour indicators back then, only X’s and hollow circles—a part of you felt relief that you couldn’t quite explain. Another part of you was disgusted, convinced that you were being selfish and apathetic. You thought that maybe you had no regard for him; that you only cared for yourself and a stranger you were still searching for. He’d risked his life to join the rebel army, fought on the frontlines with the Allies, and you repaid him with nothing.

It would take you years to come to the conclusion that your reaction was only natural. It would take you years to heal and start seeing other people. In due time, you would stop frequenting the church in your hometown and your fingers would cease to brush against the memorial stone in the yard, upon which his name was carved. Just one name among many.

Jaemin’s hands are all over you: in your hair, around your throat, pushing you against the wall as he kisses you. His fingers tangle into your hair and he pulls on the strands, forcing your head back a bit so he can continue trailing his lips over your neck and collarbones.

“We can’t be doing this,” you tell him when you manage to pull away. His arms come around your waist anyways and he buries his head in the crook of your neck. You can smell the alcohol on his breath, and you glance behind him to see empty soju bottles on the kitchen counter.

“I’m not with Jieun,” he snarls. “Besides, like I said. I think we’re fucked. We aren’t meant to be.”

“Don’t say that,” you hiss, taken aback by his sudden coldness. “This isn’t fair to her.”

“It’s mutual, remember? I bet she’s out there doing the exact same thing with some other guy. She doesn’t need me.”

“Jaem—”

“We’re fucked. She told me she doesn’t need me, and I told her the same.”

You’re horrified. “You did what?”

“Hilarious, isn’t it? We had our first fight, and we aren’t even together yet.” He scoffs, pushing a hand through his hair in irritation. “Some type of soulmate.”

You’ve never heard him talk like this. He’s out of his mind. He’s lost it. “Fuck, Jaem, how much did you drink?”

“Not enough to feel better, clearly,” he snaps.

“Alcohol and whatever this is between the two of us isn’t going to make you feel any better. This isn’t going to fix your problems.”

“Then what do you want me to do?!” His words are sharp, his expression hard when he glares at you. “You tell me to move on and to give her a chance and to stop doing whatever—” he motions frantically. You’ve never seen him so wild, so out of control, and you’ve almost never seen him lash out at anyone like this. “—whatever the fuck this is, but do you even know how it feels? Do you even care?”

A sharp intake of breath, and then the world is crashing down around you.

The feelings you fought to suppress re-emerge, rising up to crush you and force you into relapse. Doubt. Regret. Guilt. The little voice in the back of your head is a raging monster now, and it shouts at you, screaming at you in a blind rage. Telling you that you’re heartless and self-absorbed and indifferent, everything you believed you were when Jungwoo died. Reinstating what you know isn’t true. You know he doesn’t mean it. You know that it’s just alcohol fueling the words spewing from his lips and nothing more, but they still bring back unpleasant memories, a sense of dread you can’t shake.

He realizes, albeit a bit too late. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

If you knew how much it hurts me to watch you do this to yourself. If you knew how much it hurts me knowing that there’s only so much I can do for you. “Don’t. I get it.”

For a few seconds, the room is silent, save the ticking of the clock behind you. It reminds you briefly of a memory that you can’t quite grasp, like a flash of deja vu before you spiral back down to the present reality where you stand in cold, frigid silence. The broken smoke detector chirps.

“I should go,” you say at last. You go to grab your keys from where you left them on the counter but he quickly stops you, his hand coming around yours. You look up at him in irritation, pulling away sharply.

“It’s late,” he says shakily, almost pleading. “You shouldn’t walk home at this hour. Not alone.”

“I’ll call a cab,” you shrug before slipping into your sweater and pulling on your shoes. You bid him goodnight and leave him dumbfounded in the living room.

You return home to a sleepless light and endless thoughts in a cold bedroom. A broken record replays his words in your head again and again, until you see Jungwoo’s face floating above you in the darkness. His features are faint, like wisps of smoke that loosely form sad eyes and lips pulled downwards in a frown. And then he’s the one asking, “Do you even care?”

You have no answer for the annoying voice in your head. You stare at the lines of light drifting across the expanse of the ceiling, wide awake as the sky brightens outside.

“How long will you be gone?”

It was the 3rd of August 1995. You knew because the next day would mark 50 years since Jungwoo’s death. The next day, you would be going back to your hometown and laying flowers on the altar in the Kim family home, revisiting the memorial you’d left behind when you moved to Seoul.

You shrugged as Mark passed you his lighter. The old zippo produced a small spark between your fingers, and then the sting of smoke was filling your mouth and nose. You didn’t smoke regularly—you’d stopped years ago—but you sure as hell felt like you needed one tonight.

“I dunno,” you said, taking a long drag from the cigarette. “A couple more days after the ceremony? If I stay any longer, Doyoung might get upset.“

“Upset?”

“He doesn’t like seeing me. Said I bring back bad memories. I think I remind him of Jungwoo too much.”

Mark grimaced. “Well it’s scary, seeing a childhood friend who hasn’t aged in fifty something years… Must he like seeing a ghost.” He paused, tucking a stray piece of your hair behind your ear so that he could see your face. “My nephews feel the same way about me.”

“You remind them of something?” You asked.

“Their father, I guess,” he explained. “My brother… wasn’t the most understanding of them when they were younger. Whenever they see me, all they can think of is their childhood and his abusiveness.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

He took a moment of contemplative silence “No, not really. I mean, maybe it did at first. But it’s not like I go out of my way to avoid them just because of the memories they associate with me. That would be unfair for me.”

“It would be,” you agreed.

“So then why avoid Doyoung? What he thinks of you is beyond your control. If you remind him of painful memories, that isn’t exactly your fault.”

You sighed. “I don’t know. I just feel like staying out of his way might help him heal. Maybe it’ll help him move on from everything he’s trying to forget.”

“Oh, Y/N.” Mark took your hand with a breathless laugh. His smile was both sad and endearing, as if he were in awe of you—what for, you weren’t too sure until he murmured, “You’re too kind sometimes.” He paused to exhale, smoke escaping his lips and bleeding into the atmosphere, dispersing into the starry sky. He stared into the sky for a few moments, silent.

“But it’s not always up to you to heal their wounds. At some point, they have to learn to heal themselves.”

“What the hell happened to him?”

Jaemin looks like a mess. His hair is disheveled and swept messily all over the place. His skin is unhealthily pale, unusually warm to the touch beneath your fingertips. You can tell he’s had a little too much to drink; he sits on the couch in a daze, his eyes fixated on an invisible point in front of him as if searching for something that is no longer there. He yelps in pain when you wipe at the cut on his lip.

“We bumped into a couple guys at the bar. One of them took a swing at him,” Renjun explains as he passes you the bottle of disinfectant. You carefully apply a drop to a cotton swab. “And it didn’t help that he was also drunk. Thank god Lucas was there to break up the fight.”

“I wasn’t drunk,” Jaemin groans in protest. “Just tipsy.”

“Tipsy? You couldn’t even tell me Y/N’s number.”

“I don’t remember anyone’s number.”

“Well, you couldn’t tell me your own name either. Got any excuse for that one, smartass?”

You ignore their bickering and continue cleaning the cut on Jaemin’s cheek, holding him firmly by the shoulder so he doesn’t move. The cotton quickly turns light pink between your fingers. You briefly examine the red marks along his jaw where he’d been hit, frowning. Jaemin has never been one to get into fights and especially not while under the influence, but the bruises on his cheek and his knuckles suggest otherwise. Hell, he rarely even gets drunk, but it’s becoming more and more frequent, to the point where Renjun makes sure to watch over him whenever they go out together. He’s derailing, you think to yourself as you brush his hair into some sort of order.

“Okay, let’s get you to bed.” You put his arm around your shoulder and help him up to his feet, nearly staggering beneath his weight. Renjun rushes over to help you move him into the bedroom.

“You should probably go home. It’s getting late,” you tell him when Jaemin has been settled in bed. You glance at the clock hanging in the kitchen as you clean up the first aid kit on the table: almost 2 AM. “I’ll stay with him… make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

“I really tried to keep him away from the alcohol tonight. I swear I turned away for only a second to deal with Yangyang and he— Ugh, I’m so sorry,” Renjun apologizes again, shaking his head. “This whole soulmate ordeal is really getting to him. I’m worried, Y/N.”

“You know how he is. He always figures it out one way or another” you reassure him. “I’ll talk to him again though. Maybe he’ll actually… listen this time.”

“Well, call me if anything happens. I probably won’t be asleep anyways.”

“I will. Thanks, Jun,” you nod appreciatively.

By the time Renjun has gone home and you’ve finished cleaning up, Jaemin is already asleep. He stirs when you switch off the lamp and reaches out for you in the darkness, fingers intertwining with yours. “Stay,” he mumbles, pulling you a bit closer.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You say as you admire the way the moonlight filters in through the windows and draws pale lines across his cheeks. Despite the cuts marking his skin, he looks so much softer now, innocent, in a way. Again, you’re reminded of the Jaemin you met at the art gallery. He was none of this. None of this pent-up frustration released in empty beer bottles, none of these crimson bruises marking his otherwise smooth skin.

“You have to stop doing this to yourself,” you murmur. There’s no reply at first, and you wonder if he heard you at all.

“I’m sorry,” you finally hear his voice: small, feeble in the darkness. His words become more urgent as he keeps speaking, spilling from his lips uncontrollably. “I shouldn’t have said those things about you. I wasn’t thinking. You know I could never mean it.”

You hush him, wrapping him in the security of your arms. A single tear brushes against the back of your hand, then another. “It’s alright,” you assure him as you rub soothing circles against his back. “You were going through a lot. I understand, okay? It’s okay.”

He shakes his head frantically, his tears falling in steady streams now. You let out a low hiss when you see them stain pink with the blood from the wound on his cheek. “Still, that shouldn’t be an excuse. I’ve managed to fuck up everything since all of this started. I hurt Jieun, I hurt Renjun, I hurt you. I can’t even go to work and look at Jieun without feeling like such an idiot and getting mad at myself for being such a child. Without feeling like maybe I deserve this.”

Your heart drops, then shatters into a million pieces at the bottom of a dark abyss.

“Look at me,” you plead as you take his face in your hands. “Look at me, Jaem, please.” He finally lifts his head, his eyes meeting yours in the stillness. All you can see is brokenness, defeat and regret, a look you knew well. It’s an expression that once followed you around for years, appearing in every mirror and reflection you passed by. An innate, intimate part of you that you despised so much until you came to accept it. “Listen to me, Na Jaemin. You are one of the strongest, bravest and kindest people I’ve ever met, and nothing will ever change the way I see you. You don’t deserve any of this bullshit. You don’t deserve this.”

“If you knew what I told her, Y/N,” he lets out a shaky breath. “If you knew what we told each other when we found out neither of us had any feelings for each other… maybe you would think differently of me.”

“If that’s truly what you believe, fix what you broke,” you say firmly. “Apologize to her. Make things right between the two of you, unless you want to go through this all over again in another life. Things will only get worse if you don’t address them now.”

“And if I can’t?”

“If anyone can do it, it’s you, Jaem.” Trembling, you press your lips to his temple. “Whether or not you end up with her, whether or not you think you deserve this, I love you. And that will never fucking change.”

He leans forwards, his forehead touching yours, his nose brushing against yours and his lips just inches from meeting yours. But he never comes any closer, and you feel no urge to close the distance either. Perhaps it’s a sign that both of you are already starting to let go, to drift apart; this moment is nothing romantic or lustful, nothing more than comforting each other in your brokenness. Nothing more than trying to help each other numb the pain.

“I love you.” His voice trembles, but his words are steady, deep-rooted in sureness.

“Then promise me you’ll try, Jaem. You’ll try to set things right, for both our sake.”

“For you, love,” he murmurs, so quietly that you can barely hear him. His voice is lost to the faint rumbling of the air conditioning unit somewhere outside and the distant noises of traffic. “For you, I would do anything.”

You wonder if he’ll remember any of this in the morning. You wonder if he’ll take your words to heart, or if they’ll simply be enveloped in dreams fueled by drunkenness, reduced by sleep to nothing but a blur.

...it’s not always up to you to heal their wounds. At some point, they have to learn to heal themselves

You’ve done everything you can for him, you decide. Even if you continue to walk by his side, the rest is up to him.

One Saturday morning, Jaemin shows up at your door dressed in black jeans and a button-down shirt, his hair swept up neatly. There’s a kind of brightness to him; it’s not necessarily hope or excitement, but certainly a change from what you’ve seen the last couple of weeks. He’s meeting Jieun for lunch, he tells you nervously. He wants to see you before he goes. You tell him you’re proud of him. That genuinely, you admire him.

The next time you see him, it’s at a floral shop. He’s in the middle of picking out flowers, and he flushes when he sees you. A single rose seemed too cliche, he tells you sheepishly, and asks your opinion. He thinks she’ll prefer something a bit more unique but equally tasteful, equally elegant. You recommend orchids or gerberas. They last longer than roses, but they convey the same message. When he’s gone, you buy a small vase of irises for your apartment; your living room needs a bit of colour.

Weeks later, you find a small package in the mail: a parting gift, you realize when you tear open the padded envelope. It’s nothing too special, nothing fancy or expensive—just a piece of blue glass wrapped in silver accents, attached to a delicate chain that you loop around your neck. When you hold the pendant up to the sun, its blue tint shatters into infinite colours, tossing specks of luminous yellow and orange all over your bedroom. More than just a singular colour, it reflects the other hues around you. And for just a brief moment, you think you see your own reflection.

You watched Jaemin move on just as you’d watched Mark and Donghyuck: from afar, with reserve but at the same time, excitement. Close enough for him to know that you were still there for him, but allowing some sort of distance that grew as the days melded into weeks and then months.

For the most part, he seemed to be alright. His texts were always cheerful, covered in happy emoticons—he used them when he was too giddy with excitement to type actual words. “We figured things out,” was all he said one night, and it was all you needed to hear to know that they’d be okay.

You started to notice the fondness he’d developed for her; it was subtle at first, just a hint of affection in his voice when he told you about her over the phone. Though slowly, it developed into something more. It was just as Donghyuck said: time had forged a relationship out of nothing, out of empty words and empty emotions, growing a garden from a barren piece of wasteland.

The first time you spoke to Kim Jieun, it was over the phone during one of your calls with Jaemin. She’d chimed in on your conversation at some point to say hi, and the way she spoke almost reminded you of Donghyuck: bright, cheery, a little sarcastic in a playful manner. You quickly learned that she was easy-going though brutally honest at times, well-mannered yet well-humoured. Most importantly, she wasn’t judgemental, and she didn’t treat you any differently from Jaemin’s other friends just because you’d been with him previously.

Of course, there was still a sense of yearning, a bittersweetness whenever you saw the two of them together. Your fingers always danced fleetingly along the screen of your phone before pressing like on the photos he posted to his social media. You saw him less and less, only occasionally running into him at the bakery you used to frequent together or at a friend gathering. For the most part, you let the past stay in the past. He seemed happy. And honestly, you were happy for him.

“I told you he’d be fine,” Donghyuck murmured to you at one of Jeno’s rampant parties, once most of the guests had trickled out for the night. The two of you sat on the balcony, watching everyone stumble around in their drunken stupor: Jeno was passed out on the couch with two cats sitting perched on his chest. Renjun was trying to braid flowers into Jaemin’s hair, which he’d recently bleached yet another shade lighter to match Jieun’s platinum locks. Out of the corner of your eye, you watched Chenle and Jisung exchange a few bills and bicker over a bet—Chenle was still in denial that Jisung had won, apparently.

“I didn’t doubt you for a second, Hyuck.”

“But you were worried,” he grinned smugly.

“Why wouldn’t I be worried?” You sighed and knocked back the rest of your wine before motioning for him to pass you the bottle. You swiftly poured yourself another glass. “If I couldn’t have my happy ending, at least I wanted him to have his. As… cliche as that sounds.”

Donghyuck raised a brow at you. “What’s to say that you won’t get yours too? They can’t keep you waiting forever. The longest it ever took for someone to find their soulmate was 241 years.”

“Goddamn, are you trying to make me feel better or worse?”

“Better, of course! Okay, what I’m trying to say is that it’s rare for anyone to wait longer than two centuries. If everyone lived for up to three hundred years, we’d have a lot of dictators and other crazies running the world. The universe would spontaneously combust.”

“I know I’m barely even halfway there, but come back to me when I set a new world record,” you rolled your eyes, to which he responded with a small chuckle.

“So what now?” He glanced at Jaemin, who sat across the room with his eyes half-closed, an empty red solo cup in his hands. Jieun had her head on his shoulder, rambling drunkenly about something to Renjun. If you hadn’t known any better, you would have thought she’d been a part of the group all along; she fit in so seamlessly, and it warmed your heart to see her getting along with everyone.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Nothing for now, I guess. Just waiting.”

“Whoever it is, I’m sure they’ll be worth it,” he hummed in reply.

“You think so?”

“People say that the longer you wait, the better. It’s all in your head, of course, but they have a point.”

You sighed, lifting your head to gaze at the stars hanging overhead. “I suppose they do. Maybe someday I get to find out.”

He patted you on the shoulder reassuringly. “You’ll figure it out. You always have.”

Donghyuck left a little later to get a drunk Jeno to bed, and then you had only the quietness of night to keep you company. Your mind drifted and you contemplated his words, repeating them silently to the wind. The night sky replied with nothing but a gentle breeze against your skin.

You could be patient, you thought as you watched the others inside. You fished the pendant out from beneath your shirt and stared at the reflection in the glass. It was as if you were grasping a piece of the night sky between your fingers: the stars and a crescent moon captured in a single, translucent oval. In the dark, the pendant appeared deep indigo, not too different in hue from the four coloured markings you’d acquired over the years.

But the sun would rise in due time, you thought to yourself mirthfully. Beneath the brightness of morning, you’d hold a different colour in your hands. You tucked the necklace back into the fabric of your shirt. You could wait.

read the epilogue, yellow

#nct #nct fanfic #nct dream #nct dream fanfic #nct jaemin #jaemin #na jaemin #jaemin fanfic #nct angst #nct fluff #jaemin angst #jaemin fluff #the longest shit ive ever written hoLY SHIT #cznnet

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osakaso5 · 4 years

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IDOLiSH7 5th Anniversary Special Story: Opening Doors...

Chapter 6: A Day Of Celebration

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

Yamato Nikaido: Mm! It's so tender!

Haruka Isumi: It's so sweet and yummy!

Tenn Kujo: Now this is a flavor that'll wake you up in the morning.

Fisher: Thank you! Have some more!

Haruka Isumi: Chow time!

Iori Izumi: Does everyone around here eat the Dancing Lobster?

Fisher: We love it here! You only get to eat it once a year, so everyone has some when it's available!

Yamato Nikaido: It really is like an idol, then.

Fisher: Haha, at least around these parts. City folk and young people don't much know about it.

Haruka Isumi: It'd be selfish to keep this all to ourselves, then.

Fisher: Shellfish? You want to eat shellfish next?

Tenn Kujo: Hehe, he said "selfish". In other words, we should help make it popular.

Tenn Kujo: Just like lots of ordinary people helped us become popular.

Fisher: My whole family loves you boys! Both IDOLiSH7 and TRIGGER!

Haruka Isumi: What about ŹOOĻ?

Fisher: We love you too, of course!

Haruka Isumi: Ahaha! Do you really!?

Yamato Nikaido: It's weird. Before our meeting the other day, I didn't even know the name of this place.

Yamato Nikaido: Finding out about a place this nice makes you wanna tell more people about it.

Iori Izumi: Right. It makes you want to share.

Yamato Nikaido: Share?

Iori Izumi: Yes. This moment and this excitement.

Iori Izumi: All the great things that fill your heart, whether they're delicious or beautiful...

Iori Izumi: I'm sure wanting to share them with someone is something we can all relate to.

Tenn Kujo: I think I get what you mean. That's also why we don't sing alone.

Tenn Kujo: You don't want to keep amazing experiences and emotions to yourself.

Tenn Kujo: You want other people to know. And telling people how delicious this harbour's Dancing Lobster was is a part of that, too.

Fisher: Or that famous idols came to eat here.

Tenn Kujo: Hehe, that's right. People want to bond over things that make them happy.

Yamato Nikaido: I think we do bond over it. Our members... And even the fans who aren't with us on stage.

Haruka Isumi: ......... Even when things go bad, and you're all separated?

Iori Izumi: Of course.

Iori Izumi: Because even in a blinding darkness, their hearts are with us.

- - - -

Tamaki Yotsuba: This egg rice is so yummy~!

Toma Inumaru: So are the boiled eggs!

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: The omelette's great, too! These eggs are really something! No wonder they're called "Dearest Eggs"!

Mitsuki Izumi: Yeah, seriously! Not only do they taste good, the colors are also nice and the yolk is soft. No wonder they're popular!

Poultry Farmer: Thank you!

Mitsuki Izumi: What's the secret to their flavor?

Poultry Farmer: Well... Just like you sang a song for the chickens...

Poultry Farmer: We take the time to give them lots of love.

Poultry Farmer: It naturally makes them into the kinds of tasty eggs everyone will love.

Toma Inumaru: You mean something that gets love will turn even more lovable?

Poultry Farmer: That's right. Hehe... Though I'm embarrassed to say that.

Mitsuki Izumi: Ahaha! Don't be! I think it's really nice.

Mitsuki Izumi: If we idols do our best to sing with lots of love...

Mitsuki Izumi: And that makes our fans get more love too, then that makes us happy!

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: Yeah, really happy. It's fun... and I'm sure it works both ways.

Tamaki Yotsuba: Both ways?

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: At first, being around two guys as amazing as Gaku and Tenn made me shrink back...

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: But being loved by my fans, my teammates, and agency gave me a lot of self-confidence.

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: It's great to be loved. It's great when people care about you. It gives you strength beyond what you could achieve by yourself.

Tamaki Yotsuba: I get what you mean. I used to be kinda like a regular egg.

Tamaki Yotsuba: A regular, tall egg that could kinda dance and had a bad attitude. And that was always late and forgetting stuff.

Mitsuki Izumi: Ahaha! You sure were.

Mitsuki Izumi: But you've changed, Tamaki.

Tamaki Yotsuba: Haha... Yeah. I guess that's what happens when people care about you. And your friends tell you you did a good job.

Tamaki Yotsuba: You grow really tall, just like that. And you become a super yummy egg. It's so weird.

Toma Inumaru: Sure is... But it makes you wanna care for people, too. Like your teammates and friends.

Toma Inumaru: So they won't hate you ever again, and so you can keep moving on.

Toma Inumaru: Because you're loved and cared for, you know you'll be fine no matter what.

Toma Inumaru: At least, that's what I'd like to think.

Mitsuki Izumi: ...Right...

Tamaki Yotsuba: Ahaha! Mikki, you sound like you're gonna cry!

Mitsuki Izumi: Shut up! You know I'm weak to this kinda stuff!

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: Ahaha! ...I feel you...

Toma Inumaru: Not you too, Tsunashi-san...

Poultry Farmer: Thank you, boys. That was moving beyond words, and...

Poultry Farmer: I hope you'll continue to be loved like our eggs, as the idol world's Dearest Idols.

Mitsuki Izumi: ...Mister, you went and said the coolest thing out of all of us!

Tamaki Yotsuba: Misteeer!

Poultry Farmer: Hehe...

- - - -

Nagi Rokuya: OH! Our radiant rice is delicious!

Momo: It sure is the Radiant 16! Each grain has a different texture, so just chewing on them is fun!

Torao Mido: And it feels healthy, too.

Sogo Osaka: What goal did you have when making this blend?

Rice Mill Owner: I want the people who eat it to lead healthy, bustling, and radiant lives.

Momo: That's so normal! Well, maybe not normal, but it does seem like you're taking it really seriously.

Rice Mill Owner: Hehe.

Torao Mido: Hence the name?

Rice Mill Owner: Yep. My parents are rice farmers, but I used to not like rice.

Rice Mill Owner: But I still ate millet rice, since it's healthy and full of nutrients. That's how I realized this was my calling.

Momo: You totally looked like a westerner to me, but your parents farm rice?

Rice Mill Owner: Hehe.

Momo: You say you didn't like rice, so how did your parents react to that?

Rice Mill Owner: Not well. They said just plain rice is good enough, and that they worked so hard to cook it for me.

Rice Mill Owner: But I couldn't help it. I wasn't my parents. And this idea is something I worked hard for. I wanted them to acknowledge that.

Sogo Osaka: ...What about now? Do they acknowledge it?

Rice Mill Owner: Yeah. Since I'm making money, heh.

Torao Mido: So it's because you had the results to show for it.

Nagi Rokuya: OH! Then do you not also lead a radiant life?

Rice Mill Owner: Oh, good point.

Nagi Rokuya: Happiness is what matters most.

Nagi Rokuya: Our happiness, our families' happiness, our friends' happiness...

Nagi Rokuya: To me, that is the most important message to remember in my life, and in the eyes of God.

Sogo Osaka: Right... My work makes me happy. So I think I lead a radiant life, too.

Torao Mido: Hmm...

Sogo Osaka: Haha... I never thought I'd say that about myself.

Sogo Osaka: I've been hurt a lot, and I'll probably be hurt in the future, but I'm sure that my life is bright.

Sogo Osaka: I'll shine to make up for the hurt. That's how I want to live out my life.

Torao Mido: That doesn't really make sense to me. If you hadn't done anything at all, your life could've been radiant enough as it was.

Sogo Osaka: .........

Torao Mido: But you look happier now than when I used to see you surrounded by all that luxury.

Sogo Osaka: Mido-san...

Rice Mill Owner: Good for you, Sogo.

Momo: You sure are a friendly guy, huh!?

Rice Mill Owner: Make sure to promote the Radiant 16-Grain for me, Momo-chan.

Momo: Sure thing! And since you're so tall, I want you to join my soccer team!

Rice Mill Owner: Gotcha.

Nagi Rokuya: Would you like to visit Northmare?

Rice Mill Owner: Sure.

Sogo Osaka: He's so friendly...

- - - -

Gaku Yaotome: I did it! I got the biggest General's Edamame!

Minami Natsume: Oh dear. You did very well, Yaotome-san.

Riku Nanase: Ah, but this means we have to give him his phone back.

Yuki: Can't we have just ten percent of it?

Gaku Yaotome: No! How would you give someone ten percent of a phone, anyway?

Riku Nanase: By cutting out one corner?

Gaku Yaotome: Don't try to break it! Ah, gramps, check this out!

Farmer: Now that's a big General's Edamame. This year's harvest has turned out great.

Gaku Yaotome: Is this bigger than normal?

Farmer: It is.

Gaku Yaotome: Hehe!

Farmer: But I think this vividly bright one will be more fresh and delicious.

Minami Natsume: Oh. That's nice to hear.

Riku Nanase: Mine is more firm than all the others! There's so many different ways edamame can turn out!

Yuki: Mine's on the softer side. The softer the tastier, right, mister?

Farmer: You won't know unless you have a taste.

Yuki: I appreciate the honesty.

Riku Nanase: Why did you decide to call them the General's Edamame?

Farmer: Edamame are unripe soybeans.

Farmer: We wanted to express the fact that even a greenhorn can become a great general!

Minami Natsume: Unripe... I like the sound of that word. It's full of potential.

Riku Nanase: ŹOOĻ's the least experienced group out of all of us, after all!

Yuki: What about IDOLiSH7? Have you ripened up yet?

Riku Nanase: Have we? I'm not sure...

Riku Nanase: I feel like we're going to keep changing from here, but I want to stay the way we are right now, too.

Riku Nanase: The seven of us have been through a lot, but we overcame it together...

Riku Nanase: I want to believe that we can keep going just the way we are now.

Riku Nanase: What about TRIGGER?

Gaku Yaotome: Well...

Gaku Yaotome: I don't wanna say that this is as far as we'll go. But I don't wanna say we're still not good enough, when we're already entertaining fans on stage.

Gaku Yaotome: I wanna be perfect in the moment. It doesn't matter if we're broken and flawed after that.

Yuki: And sometimes it's good to break your old selves to discover something new.

Yuki: Like the beans. They're unripe, but they can still be generals.

Gaku Yaotome: Right!

Minami Natsume: ........

Riku Nanase: What's wrong, Natsume-san?

Minami Natsume: I just thought of something...

Riku Nanase: What?

Minami Natsume: What are books in the military called?

Gaku Yaotome: Huh?

Minami Natsume: General knowledge.

Riku & Gaku: ........?

Minami Natsume: It's a pun.

Yuki: ...Pfft, haha..!

Gaku Yaotome: Yuki-san, your face..!

Riku Nanase: Aah! General knowledge, as in military general!

Minami Natsume: Yes. In any case, we should all take pride in our unripeness...

Gaku Yaotome: Hold on! Can't you give a warning before getting back to the serious stuff!?

Riku Nanase: Hey!

Gaku Yaotome: What's up, Nanase?

Riku Nanase: We're getting serious again!

Gaku Yaotome: You don't gotta narrate everything!

Riku Nanase: Huh!? But you just said...

Yuki: ...Ahahaha..!

Gaku Yaotome: Yuki-san..! You're gonna make Momo-san cry at this rate!!!

Riku Nanase: Ah..! He did mention breaking himself..!

Gaku Yaotome: Doesn't mean he has to break his face, too...

- - - -

Re:vale: Shining Rainbow Kitchen!

TRIGGER: It's been five years since your first broadcast!

IDOLiSH7: Congratulations!

ŹOOĻ: Happy 5th anniversary!

Momo: To celebrate, all 16 of us...

Tenn Kujo: Have created the idol bowl!

Riku Nanase: And we're about to cook it for you!

Haruka Isumi: Make sure to try it for yourselves, too!

- - - -

Sogo Osaka: We will add the freshly cooked Radiant 16-Grain rice into the bowls. Mido-san.

Torao Mido: It's hot... Will this much do?

Momo: I want a little more!

Nagi Rokuya: Millet rice is like an audience, shining with glowsticks!

Torao Mido: Audience complete!

Nagi Rokuya: Wow! How wonderful!

Sogo Osaka: It looks delicious!

Momo: What's an idol without fans, am I right!?

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: We'll be preparing the eggs, lobster, and edamame for cooking!

Mitsuki Izumi: Here's our eggs! Firm and fresh Dearest Eggs!

Tamaki Yotsuba: The eggs show off an idol's popularity!

Toma Inumaru: We sang to the chickens to make them lay healthy eggs!

Yamato Nikaido: This here's the Dancing Lobster!

Iori Izumi: It's so fresh that it was still squirming around a moment ago.

Tenn Kujo: It's a phantom that can only be eaten once a year.

Haruka Isumi: Uh, and it represents idols, who you usually only get to see on stage!

Riku Nanase: Finally, there's the General's Edamame!

Gaku Yaotome: They're chewy, big, and delicious!

Minami Natsume: They represent the idols who sometimes serve as backup dancers.

Yuki: Okay then. Can I put the edamame on the frying pan?

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: Yes!

Hiss! Crackle!

Riku Nanase: That's the sound of good food!

Tenn Kujo: It smells good, too.

Torao Mido: You're good at this, Ryunosuke.

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: That's because I love to cook! But Mitsuki-kun and Yuki-san are just as good.

Iori Izumi: Are the bowls all lined up?

Tamaki Yotsuba: Almost!

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: Ready?

Mitsuki Izumi: I'd say we're good to go.

Yuki: Why not?

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: It's done!

Momo: It's done! Let's put 'em in the bowls!

Riku Nanase: It's the idol bowl!

Nagi Rokuya: Perfect!

Haruka Isumi: Looks good!

Toma Inumaru: Looks great! And colorful!

Tamaki Yotsuba: Make this popular! I want it to be as popular as the Nia bowl!

Minami Natsume: It makes for a good lunch.

Yamato Nikaido: Sure. You guys wanna pack idol lunchboxes and go somewhere?

Mitsuki Izumi: It's supposed to be a bowl, not a lunchbox!

Sogo Osaka: Is everyone ready?

Iori Izumi: We are.

Tenn Kujo: Grab a bowl, guys. It's time for a taste test.

Momo: Taste test, taste test!

Minami Natsume: Incredible. All of us idols, standing with a bowl in hand.

Gaku Yaotome: Makes for a great picture!

Yamato Nikaido: Does it..?

Riku Nanase: Everyone, get in line! We'll all have a bite on the count of three!

Tenn Kujo: Before that, there's one thing we need to say.

Tenn Kujo: Happy 5th anniversary!

All: Happy anniversary!

Iori Izumi: I hope all of you at home will stay healthy, eat lots of great food, and continue supporting the show.

Riku Nanase: We don't know all the stuff that lies ahead for us, but good food is a crucial part of life!

Yamato Nikaido: Yep, we've got plenty of food-related memories ourselves!

Mitsuki Izumi: Like how we went from eating egg soba to eating tempura soba!

Nagi Rokuya: OH! It reminds me of when we were but the most basic of lunchboxes!

Sogo Osaka: And I came to like King Pudding.

Tamaki Yotsuba: And I got good at making hot milk!

Riku Nanase: And I started buying lots of snacks that come with toys!

Riku Nanase: I hope we all get to make many more memories together!

Riku Nanase: The idol bowl we made today will be one of them!

Riku Nanase: Shining Rainbow Kitchen!

Riku Nanase: Thank you so much for inviting us to your 5th anniversary celebration!

All: Thank you!

Riku Nanase: I hope this show will keep going for many more years to come!

Haruka Isumi: Try the idol bowl!

Yuki: And the Nia bowl.

Ryunosuke Tsunashi: And the Oly bowl!

Minami Natsume: Hee hee. And the skin bowl.

Riku Nanase: Let's start eating, everyone!

Tamaki Yotsuba: Let's, let's!

Tenn Kujo: Well then, here we go.

Riku & Tenn: One, two, three..!

All: Bon appétit!

The end.

#idolish7 #anniversary story 2020 #translation #i7 #trigger #re:vale #zool #other translations

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #376

“when the wind bends the branch to softly touch me / when the band plays your song / i feel strong enough to keep dreaming”

If your s/o smoked pot/did drugs would you care? Yes, but for pot that's only because it's illegal here. I also find smoking to be a turn-off, but I'd be able to look past that if it was for actual health reasons. Do people ever call you by your last name? No. Has the last person you dated/fell in love with ever seen you cry? Yes. Where are you going on your next vacation (or where do you WANT to go)? I've got none planned, nor do I know where I'd want to prioritize. Like there's South Africa, but I first need to get healthier before I could handle the heat and trudging through sand. I want to go to Yellowstone National Park to spread Teddy's ashes there (seeking permission of course), but again, I need to be in better shape before I go on a venture of photographing there, as well. I need to be healthier to do a lot of the things I want to... Do you own anything bought in another country? No. Who do you text the most? Sara. Four things you wish you had? Better health (including mental), financial stability, a job, and motivation to indulge more in my artistic hobbies. What was the last thing you cried about? Stress regarding this dog we're stuck with. What is your favorite Elvis song? Probably "You're The Devil In Disguise." Do you think you could be the next American Idol? Ha, absolutely not. Do you prefer reading fiction or non-fiction? Fiction, by a long shot. Does anybody send you money in the mail for your birthday? No. My grampa used to, but he's been dead a couple years. Who is one person you met and automatically didn’t like? I was not a fan of a doctor I once saw for my tremors. She was very rude and just threw the idea of me having Parkinson's or something at what, 17 years old or whatever? My psychiatrist knows her as well and knows she's a whackjob. Heard her name and was essentially like "ew" lmao. What monster would you be most afraid to have in your closet? A male one with a knife, I guess. I really hate knives. And men scare me anyway. Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? I don't know, he's in too many to possibly think of one right off the top of my head. Who was one of your first celebrity crushes? Jesse McCartney was my first true love, haha. Have you ever been hit on through text messages? Yes. Do you have to do any yard work? No. Have you ever mowed the lawn? No. Do you get an allowance? No. Did you ever know your great grandparents? I think I knew one? There was this woman from my childhood I knew as "GG" for "great grandma," but I have no recollection of who she was related to or even if she was directly related to me. I remember that I really really liked her, though. Do you like the taste of Tums? It's the texture I really don't like. The candy-like Tums though, y'know, not the chalky ones, I like more than someone should like medicine, haha. How about Pepto Bismol? Omfg no. Do you have a fast or slow metabolism? I have a slow metabolism, but thank Christ it's not as bad as when I was on Abilify. That stupid fucking medicine was the reason I gained so much weight that I haven't been able to lose. What’s your favorite onomatopoeia? (Crash, bang, zoom, meow) I dunno. Do you eat ramen? There's only one specific kind of ramen I've had that I like: Yakisoba's spicy chicken one. Sweet or regular pickles? Regular. I don't like sweet pickles. What kind of dreams do you have most often? Since my nightmares started, violent ones. I'm usually trying to defend myself or lashing out at someone myself. What do you do for personal growth? I try to be a deep thinker, for one. This can way too easily lead to overthinking, but I appreciate that I think it at least helps me learn from my mistakes and work towards making me a better person. I need to start challenging my anxiety more, as that would definitely be massive growth... If you could read anyone’s mind, who would be the first person you’d read? Jason's, only because all I want to know is if he thinks I was emotionally abusive after the breakup or not. But I also don't want to know. Do you have a makeup item or style trick that you feel improves your look significantly and that you feel like you couldn’t go without now that you have it? No. What’s your favourite cereal? Probably Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but I like a lot of cereals. Do you prefer red wine or white wine? I don't like wine. Way too bitter. Do you read Reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? I don't, but I've thought about lurking on a reptile husbandry one or something like that. Might learn some stuff. But at the same time, there are so many conflicting and very strong opinions amongst hobbyists to the point of awful toxicity that I'd rather not read. Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend? No. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? God no. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? Probably Scrabble back when Sara visited. Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why? Cash, because I don't have a debit or credit card. Do you believe sex should be mandatory in an ongoing dating relationship? Um, no? Some people don't care for it, and that's completely fine. Have you ever recorded yourself doing a cover of a song? No. Any secrets you’d never tell anyone? No matter how close they are to you? Yes. Do you like deviled eggs? NO. FUCK that yolk shit. What career are you most interested in? I still think my first career goal, a paleontologist, would be most interesting and exciting. Like just IMAGINE discovering a new dinosaur. And it's such a job of passion - you have to be so, SO careful and invest so much time in slowly recovering it from millions of years of rock and sand and time. I can only imagine the feeling of accomplishment when an excavation is complete. Have you ever seen a rooster? Yeah? What do you think about religion? Honestly, I personally wish it had never been a thing. It's brought with it so much hatred and bigotry, but I do acknowledge at the same time it's brought great comfort and hope to some people, and that's wonderful. But just all things considered, I feel it's done more harm than good. What’s your favorite sweetheart name (baby, honey, angel, dumpling) Probably "lovely." Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? Yes, back when I babysat my neighbor's kid once. Have you ever thrown a grenade? Yikes, no. Have you ever talked face to face with someone famous before? No. Have you ever owned a rocking horse? I don't think so? If you could meet anyone in the world who would it be? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Have you ever wished you were dead? Yes. Is it awkward when people start talking all deep around you? No, I actually like deep convos. Have you ever played the old school Pac Man arcade game? Possibly? Ever played Mario Karts on Nintendo 64? No. Have you ever been scuba diving? No. Can you surf/boogie board? No. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. What’s your favorite thing to order from Taco Bell? Cheese quesadilla and fiesta potatos. Sometimes I get the cinnabon delight thingies, but I avoid 'em with how unhealthy they are. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Pretty hot. Do you like to swing? I LOVED swinging as a kid. I haven't done it in a very long time now. How about jumping on a trampoline? I loved that as a kiddo, too. I haven't done that in years. What are you favorite color eyes? Sapphire blue or like an emerald green. Do you have long arm hair? Nah, at least I don't think so. What third generation console is your favorite? PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii? I loved my PS3. I'm still so bummed mine broke. How often do you like to have sex? I'm not sexually active, but even when I was, I didn't care. Do you have a facial expression you seem to pull a lot? What is it? Not really. I think I look stoic most of the time. Do you always listen to music when you’re online? No; I usually have a let's play or something like that on that I can split my screen and watch while doing something else. If so, what are you currently listening to? I'm listening to "Love Goes On And On" by Lindsey Stirling and Amy Lee right now. Do you ever forget how to do really simple things? Like what? Yes, like how to control the laundry machine and other things like that. There's just so many options that I never, ever remember what to set it to, no matter how many times Mom shows me. That's how my memory is with most things these days, really... Were you born with naturally straight teeth? No; I needed braces. If you were the opposite gender, what name would you like to be called? Uhhh maybe Severin. Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? I love both, but sour wins. What about chocolate or peanut M&M’s? I also enjoy both, but the original are better. Your favourite band: Do you prefer their old or new stuff? That's like... impossible to answer, lol. I just love everything. Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? No. Do you secretly still listen to Ace of Base? I have no idea who that is. Have you ever broken someone else’s bone? No, thank goodness. I'd feel awful. Is it stupid to think you can write a book at thirteen? No?????????? There are incredibly talented writers out there at young ages. Hell, I remember as a kid, I wanted to be the youngest published author way before that age. Are you ever embarrassed about what you dream about? There've been some I wouldn't share. Have you ever had sex with someone as a favor? No, and I never would. Does your mom let you date? I'm 25, my dude. She let me when I felt ready, though. If you had the last person you kissed’s Facebook password, would you go snooping through their stuff? Why or why not? She doesn't have one, but hypothetically, fuck no. Because that's none of my damn business, and it still wouldn't be even if we were still dating. Have you ever fainted? If so, when was the last time? If not have you ever come close? I've fainted once when I was a teen and have come close many other times. Ever take a keyboarding class? Do you type using the skills you learned in class, or how you used to before you took the class? Yeah; it was mandatory for I think one year in middle school. I type how I was taught in there. Do you find your best friend’s significant other/crush attractive? She doesn't have an s/o, and idk who her "real" crush is, as much as she'd love Frieza to be real, haha. What do you do with your clothes that don’t fit anymore or just don’t want? Donate them. Do you cut out coupons? My mom will keep some fast food ones she gets in the mail sometimes. Did you ever breathe in helium and talk funny afterwards? I think I did once at a birthday party, but I'm unsure. Would you ever open your own business? If so, what kind of business could you imagine yourself having? I want to be a freelance photographer so, so badly. I want to specialize in nature and wildlife, but having a boudoir studio would be great to help keep me afloat, plus I adore the art of boudoir. I've shot it once for an old friend, and by god, I loved how empowered it made her feel, especially as a plus-sized woman. She adored the pictures, and I'd just love to help other clients feel like they're gorgeous in their unique body, too. Last type of candy you ate? I had a donut from Starbuck's yesterday. Did you decorate your house for Halloween? If so, how many decorations? Did you go all out, or just put up a few things? Mom and I don't really decorate anymore. :/

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''love goes on and on (feat. amy lee)'' by lindsey stirling

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thesaltyace · 3 years

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big rant/ramble below, you can safely ignore and move on to the next post in your feed.

Urgh

I shared the results of that autism screener with a quasi-friend who I thought would be "safe" (we used to work together and we connected over his being gay and me being visibly queer) but his response was blergh

Everyone has hints of autism.

okay yeah but this isn't just *hints* of autism. I'm answered yes to symptoms I've had since I was a kid that I've learned to mask or work around as an adult. But I still struggle with them.

He pointed out that he sees me as more ADHD than ASD.

Yeah, fair, and I'd need to see a professional to try to distinguish if my symptoms are ADHD, ASD, or both.

You don't hit the three prongs needed for a diagnosis.

But.... but I do. And the stuff I dealt with as a kid is still stuff I deal with today. I just mask it better. A short and not exhaustive list:

As I kid I had trouble interacting with peers. I didn't have friends, really. I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't try terribly hard to. I acquire friends when someone else "adopts" me and decides that we are friends. And once I became an adult, I have almost never had friends of my own - I share a friend group with my spouse who we're primary connected to through him. I'm okay with that. Maintaining a friendship entirely on my own power sounds impossible and exhausting.

I was okay with not having friends, I liked being alone, but my mom insisted on me being social. She made me join things so that I would have a list of people to invite to parties. I'd honestly have preferred a day of doing stuff I like or just a couple friends. As an adult, I want to be alone on my birthday. I will celebrate with certain friends, separately, usually over a quiet meal. That's it.

I had trouble understanding sarcasm and figurative speech. Like, I understand it now but I still think most figurative speech is annoying. I've been told the way I deliver sarcasm is weird, too.

I liked memorizing movies and quoting them start to finish, I thought it was fun but everyone else thought it was weird. I continued to do this into adulthood but I only quote aloud when I'm alone. Alamo Drafthouse quote-alongs are the BEST. I don't do this with every movie, either, just ones I really like.

Okay actually I also liked to listen to the same album or, in some cases, the same song over and over until I was sick of it (and sometimes even after that point). I mean, just endlessly looping on repeat. Not interspersed with other songs. I do this as an adult a LOT because it's easier with headphones to do this without annoying everyone else around you. Like, often it's fine for me to just put a playlist on shuffle, but I get into Moods where I just want the one album/song over and over. Yesterday I listened to Wellerman about 50 times in a row and only stopped because I had to get up and do something else and that song wasn't "good" for whatever I got up to do.

My special interest as a kid was cats. Literally everything cats, all the time - I sought out obscure facts and could tell you the difference between similar species, and wanted cats involved in literally everything I did. Adults laughed it off as childhood obsession. I was also pretty obsessed with the solar system. I thought asking my peers, as a trivia question, which of Jupiter's moons had its own asteroid (Io, in case you were wondering) was appropriate and interesting and was confused that they didn't know that. That was in fifth grade.

I watched the weather channel for fun. I would watch it for hours and absorb the weekly forecast info just... for fun? I never used it, could never tell you if you should dress a certain way or bring an umbrella or whatever. Everyone thought it was weird.

I was a know-it-all and literally could not stop myself from bluntly correcting people who were wrong. Didn't know or care that it was "rude". I'm still that way but I've learned how to sometimes swallow the urge long enough to find a more tactful way to point it out (but often fail).

I could read on my own before kindergarten, used vocabulary beyond what one would expect for my age, and had a special interest in spelling and grammar throughout my school years. I did not understand how other people weren't interested in learning about it and getting it right. I read at an undergrad level by 4th grade.

I hated loud noises and often covered my ears to block out irritating sounds. I could also hear high pitched noises that even other kids didn't seem to hear (or at least weren't bothered by them). Too much noise sent me into an internal meltdown, I'd just kinda shut down because I couldn't deal with it.

Textures and pressure on my skin bothered the absolute fuck out of me - sock seams, certain fabric materials, socks that weren't equally elastic, one shoe tighter than the other, tags.... all of that. (Also, fun anecdote I just unlocked - when I was 4 or 5 my grandmother started letting me use the soft silk sleep shirt she had as a young woman because I preferred it to anything else. Soft, smooth, no irritating qualities. Bliss. I wanted to wear it all the time.)

Don't get me started on food. Until I was in COLLEGE I mostly subsisted on pasta with either butter or alfredo sauce and chicken. I would eat other things, but pasta and/or chicken was (and still is) my biggest safe/comfort food. I'd eat other stuff mostly if I could control the balance of ingredients, get it made plain, or could confirm the texture wouldn't be offensive (so, like... plain burgers, plain cheese pizza, grilled cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.) I cannot stress this enough - from childhood through COLLEGE I did this. As a kid my mom had to make me a completely separate dish most nights to get me to eat something. My spouse was horrified at what little variety I ate. The only reason I eat so much variety now is that he knows what I do/don't like and tells me in advance if I'll find a texture or taste offensive. Of course, rather than wanting consistent texture like I did when I was younger, I now seek as much texture as possible (so long as they aren't Bad textures) so.... that's fun. But yeah most of my objections to Yucky foods is due to T E X T U R E. Even if I like the taste, the texture overrides it all.

I prefer animals to people. I will seek out animals and interact with them instead of people in the same room. And will pointedly focus on the animal to avoid interacting with people.

I'm perfectly happy with only myself for company. Being with just my spouse counts as me being "alone" though. Always has. I just realized last night that it's because I do minimal to no masking around him because he's a safe person to unmask with and always has been. Never batted an eye at the weird shit I do beyond asking questions about what I was doing or why. And then just "Okay."

Okay honestly just the fact that I want to vent into the void of tumblr instead of actually discussing this with a person - even my spouse! - pretty effectively shows how little it occurs to me to interact with other people directly. o_0

And there are so many more things that I won't list here because I could just go on and on. And like, sure, some of this may certainly overlap with ADHD but my point is that I have enough to point to ASD that it doesn't feel like having a "hint" of autism. And who knows - maybe it is mostly just ADHD and CPTSD stuff interacting in weird ways. Could be!

But just because I can make small talk and make eye contact and do the "normal" shit and I can interact "normally" doesn't mean I LIKE it. I had to LEARN to do those things to avoid having bad social interactions. When I'm by myself or with my spouse, I behave very differently than I do around anyone else. ANYONE. It's not just slightly changing my behavior depending on who I'm with - it's completely suppressing how I naturally would do things if left to my own devices.

Like, the things we recommended to our autistic students who wanted to know how to interact in ways that would help them blend in/be accepted by others ARE THE EXACT THINGS I ALREADY DO. Like, it did not occur to me at the time that neurotypicals literally do not have to think about doing those things. I thought, ah, these students just need to be told what the tricks are. Other people figure these tricks out on their own. It did not occur to me that other people, in fact, do not learn these tricks because they naturally do that behavior. They do not have to actively think about learning the trick, period. I literally thought other people also have to think as hard as I do about interactions. Evidently not.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little upset about the reaction I got from him because I'm like.... honestly, a diagnosis of ASD wouldn't change a lot about how I do things or think of things. But it would make me feel better about interacting with and participating in autism-related stuff if I am actually autistic. I realize I can use the resources and supports meant for ASD regardless, and for formal supports anything I can access due to my ADHD diagnosis likely covers anything I'd need for ASD. But having a diagnosis opens up more community. Right now I'm like yeah I'm ADHD but I totally relate to this ASD content. But I'm not going to interact much because I feel like I don't have the right to join in since idk if I do have ASD.

idk I have a lot of feelings. I had a bad email about the trans insurance coverage thing yesterday and I'm not in a great headspace, but finding out me and my spouse both scored very high on the autism screening stuff was honestly a high point because we ended up sharing a lot of how we view and interact with the world that was very eye-opening about why we interact the way we do, how we relate to others (and how other people think we're weird for how we relate to others), and just...everything. And having someone be skeptical after I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I DON'T have ASD only to conclude that at the very least, I should probably be evaluated because I can't reasonably rule it out. Like, most people do not wonder if they have autism. The fact that I am spending this much time looking into it and trying to find examples to disprove it only to find I overwhelmingly can't in virtually every single diagnostic category.... just..... dismissing it outright is kinda hurtful.

Like, I recognize that ADHD symptoms overlap a fair bit, but seriously. My spouse (who definitively does not have ADHD) scored almost identically to me and we vibed on almost everything when we compared answers. We see most things similarly. We have similar areas of confusion about other people and for fundamentally similar reasons. I can't imagine all of the stuff that points to ASD for me is just ADHD in disguise, not when I vibe THAT HARD with someone else. Spouse does not vibe with me on ADHD content. At all. He can appreciate it since he does live with me, after all, and observes whatever's being discussed. But he doesn't vibe with it. He vibes with autism content, though. And I vibe with both.

idk this rant ended in rambling and I'm just going to go listen to Inside on repeat for a couple hours while I try to calm down a bit. o_0

#rant over #for now #I've actually been listening to Inside for the last twenty minutes already lol #maybe I'll try to nap #idk #blergh #yay Shit is playing now and I'm like LOL cause I did wake up at 11:30 feeling like shit #woot #what a bop #I'm like hell yeah you get it #let's vibe

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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979

survey by xalikattx

FOOD

What is your favorite salad dressing? I’m not really familiar with most of them as I only consume one type of salad and the recipe for that usually calls for mayo and some kind of spicy sauce. I guess that’s my favorite dressing by default.

Favorite sit-down restaurant? Yabu for days. I personally don’t think that will change for me. Mama Lou’s is also nice but its crowd can be so boujee it kills the dine-in experience for me.

Favorite pizza topping? I’m easy to please; I just like my pizzas cheesy.

What food could you eat for two weeks straight and not get sick of it? Fried chicken sandwiches.

What do you put on your toast? Butter is fine with me. I don’t really eat toast.

What food do you eat the most? I have rice in every meal.

Do you like food? Yes.

Do you LOVE food? Yesssssssssir. I have my preferences and things that I don’t like but I’m not picky for the most part, and I love being adventurous with the foods I try.

Do you even eat at all? ...What kind of question is this

What do you put on your ice cream? I never customize my ice cream. I usually consume ice cream however way it’s already served.

Do you like steak? For sure.

Or are you a vegetarian? No.

How about a vegan? No.

What food do you hate the most? I’ve never learned how to appreciate kakanin, which is a group of a variety of sweet rice cakes that we have in Philippine cuisine. This has definitely caused my Filipino card to be revoked in the past lol, but ugh the texture is just so slimy and I hate how, even though we have so many types of kakanin, they all just taste and feel like sticky, chewed-up rice doused in sugar and coconut flakes. Korean rice cakes taste so much better.

TECHNOLOGY

How many TVs are in your house? We have four. Two downstairs, two upstairs.

Do they all work? I think the one in my brother’s room has stopped working but we just never get around to throwing it out because of the possibility of it getting fixed someday.

Do you have Comcast digital cable? I don’t know what that is. Probably a US thing? In that case we don’t. We used to have cable TV but my dad ceased our subscription a few months ago because no one in the family has been watching the TV for cable anymore and he got sick of paying for something that we don’t even avail of; we all stream our shows and movies on Netflix now.

AT&T Uverse? Definitely no AT&T on this side of the world, so no.

Dish Network? No.

Something else? Obviously.

Nothing? Again, it was a local cable provider but we’ve since cut off our subscription.

What's your favorite show? Of all time, Breaking Bad. Currently, it’s The Crown but I’ve been such a bad viewer at the moment; I stopped watching at some point a few months ago and haven’t gone back to Netflix since, welp.

What's the worst show? I don’t objectively know what’s the worst one out there but when it comes to my personal preferences, I’ve just never seen the appeal of shows targeted to teenagers or a younger demographic in general, like Teen Wolf, 13 Reasons Why, Riverdale, the TV adaptation of Scream, etc. Of course, this is just my own taste and I certainly don’t judge people who enjoy these shows.

What color cell phone do you have? The official name is Space Gray but that’s too fancy so let’s just call it black.

What kind? iPhone 8.

What does the first text message in your inbox say and who sent it? So I scrolled all the way down to the bottom of my text threads and the last person on the list is Ate Frances, and she was just telling me to check my Messenger because she had sent me a question regarding an event our org was holding at the time.

What was the last text you sent and who did you send it to? Gabie. I simply said “hi.”

Who was the last person to call you? My mom.

Who was the last person you called? Gab.

CURRENTLY

Are you missing someone? Yeah but let’s not get into it.

What are you listening to? I can hear rain pouring from outside my window.

Watching? It’s mostly background noise because I’m focusing on this survey, but I have on a YouTube video playing.

Worrying about? Work. I was tasked to think of PR executions for a client over the weekend and I just really really dislike it when I’m assigned to something that forces me to brainstorm, so ugh. Wish me luck because my brain juices have been feeling weak all weekend.

Where are you? I’m in my bedroom, my favorite place to be these days.

What's it like there? Lonely, but it’s quiet and comfortable. I used to avoid my bedroom all the time everyday because it makes me depressed, but now I am depressed and prefer to stay here all the time too.

How are you feeling? A little sad but I think tonight’s one of the nights I can fake it a little more easily, which is decent enough for me.

Is anyone with you? Who? Just Kimi.

Are you hungry? I haven’t had an appetite in a while. No.

What do you want to eat? I’m not craving anything.

Thirsty? I’m good, thank you.

What do you want to drink? I might end up drinking some of the plum soju that’s been in the fridge for months tonight, even though I told myself I wasn’t interested in touching it lol.

What time is it? 6:58 PM.

LASTS

Thing you ate? A tuna empanada.

Thing you drank? Pretty sure it was just water.

Thing you said? “Go, pee” It was to Kimi as I set him down on the balcony.

Movie you watched? I’m Thinking of Ending Things. Ugh, I really should watch a more light-hearted movie soon because this answer is such a depressing one and I’m tired of mentioning it.

Store you went to? What did you buy? Grocery store; dog food.

Person you talked to? My sister.

Person you hugged? I think it was Gabie.

Kissed? Also her.

Yelled at? I haven’t raised my voice in a while. I don’t remember anymore.

Book you read? Midnight Sun.

Thing you touched? Other than the keyboard, I pushed up my eyeglasses.

Person you became friends with on Facebook/Myspace/whatever other site? [continued the next day] A co-intern, Justine, added me on Facebook. I honestly don’t see the point of being Facebook friends because we’re bound to part ways and never encounter each other again after our internship...but I guess it’s nice to have friendly co-workers.

RANDOM

Are a righty or a lefty? Righty.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Just a decaying tooth, but otherwise no organs or anything larger.

What is the last heavy object you lifted? Does Cooper count? Little man has been getting so big over the last few weeks. He’s finally getting the growth spurt that we’ve been waiting for :’D But I don’t really do heavy lifting around the house, so.

Have any scars? Sure.

How did you get them? Any interesting stories? Most of them are scars from childhood falls, because I was the clumsiest kid in the neighborhood and tripped and scraped my legs at least once every time I played outside. There’s a scar on my left eyebrow from an idiot cousin who had been out to make me blind, and then there’s the self-harm scars as well.

if it were possible, would you want to know the day you're going to die? Yes. It’s one of the things I’ve always wanted to know.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I’m happy with mine. I’m not five anymore.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? If it was like sriracha then yeah. Not willing to do anything overly hot, though.

How about 10 bottles of ketchup? I’d be more enticed if you offered mayonnaise, but even then I think such a feat deserves a higher prize than $1000.

10 bottles of maple syrup? Thinking of how thick that is already hurts my throat. Pass.

A bottle of vinegar? HELL no.

10 jars of peanutbutter? HELL yes but again, I’m gonna be asking for more money lol

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? A couple. They’re not my favorite things to wear so I don’t feel the need to collect a lot of them.

Favorite month? April because birthday month; December because even though that’s when my depression strikes the hardest, everyone else is caught up in the holidays and that allows me to guiltlessly cut off contact with people for a few weeks.

Do you always answer your phone? If you mean calls, then no. I do not pick up if it’s an unknown number, but after rejecting I immediately text them asking who they are and what they’re calling for. I just feel like it’s proper etiquette to text before you call, especially if you’re reaching out to me for the first time.

It's four AM and you get a text message, who is it? Gabie for sure. She’s on the graveyard shift, so it wouldn’t be a surprise.

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I’m okay with mine, but if I got reincarnated as a foreigner I’d love to have hazel eyes. They look very pretty.

Do you own a digital camera? Not anymore. My phone camera can take good enough photos.

Do you take lots of pictures of yourself? Hell no.

Do you take them in front of the mirror in the bathroom? Nope.

Have you ever had a pet fish? I had several goldfish as a kid, yes.

Pet hamster? Nope. That’s mostly a Western thing too I think; I don’t think I know anyone who’s ever had a hamster.

Bird? We had lovebirds before; they were so low-maintenance and made for such sweet pets.

Rabbit? Yep. Tobi was a bit of a handful, but I loved him all the same.

Iguana? No.

Favorite Christmas movie? Love Actually and It’s A Wonderful Life.

Favorite Christmas song? Probably It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas. It’s so soothing and yet makes me feel festive and excited for Christmas.

Can you do push ups? I can, doesn’t mean I’m good at holding myself up ha.

Can you do a chin up? I can but I hate those.

Does the future make you nervous or excited? Both.

Ever been in a car accident? Just minor ones.

Do you have an accent? I think everyone does. I’ve honestly never understood this question lol, if I go to a different country or continent, people are always going to have an accent in my ears. Even in my own country, I can think of a number of accents I’ve heard people speak in.

What song always makes you cry? 26 by Paramore.

Have any plans for tonight? Rest my tired head.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Talking to Gabie.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ugh, Monday.

#survey #surveys

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dontfeedthebear · 4 years

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Today’s menu!

Breakfast: 1 overeasy egg, slice of toast, 1 tsp butter, 1 nectarine, cup of coffee with 1tbsp milk + 1tsp sugar. (304 cal) Lunch: 6 veggie pizza stuffed mushrooms over a bed of brown rice. (241 cal) Dinner: Cream of wheat, 2tsp brown sugar, 1/2 grapefruit. (295 cal) Snack: Pickled cucumbers and peppers (30 cal)

TOTAL: 870 cal.

Yes, I am having ‘breakfast’ for dinner. Why? I work night shift, and that ‘dinner’ is actually going to be had at about 7:00 am.

My way of doing things is going to be weird to most people that read this, since I live my life like a nocturnal little gremlin. I’ve never been big on eating in the mornings, I’ve always been a night owl who slept in past breakfast time... I just can’t seem to make myself eat in the morning and if I do, it definitely can’t be anything heavy like burgers or chicken. It just feels wrong.

Some people might ask: “What fad diet are you following?”

The answer is: None... I’m simply eating normal food at the correct portion size. (and counting calories because there’s no losing weight without math apparently.)

I got the idea to diet when I was browsing an antique store and found a really pretty dress from the 1950′s. Waist sizes were an average 11 inches smaller than average waistlines today.

Most old clothing is pretty small, and while it’s to be expected since the 20′s-40′s were a period of scarcity and doing without, the 1950′s were actually an upturn. People had money and they were consumers again! Yay capitalism!

It was also a period of dubious culinary experimentation. I will never, ever let an ‘aspic’ touch my lips. Leftovers are fine. Jello is fine. Together? They make the worst matrimony of both spongy and slippery textures. I imagine it’s a lot like eating boiled slugs gone cold and I will not waste food or time on such revolting endeavors...

So how did they stay so skinny, despite eating jello molds of foods laden with lard, butter, sugar, gluten and everything bad that today’s diet gurus preach against? Simple. Serving sizes were smaller and people actually ate from 7 food groups not the 4 we have today. There were also more veggies and fruit in their diet! Shocking concept I know.

Our food pyramid has changed drastically from that 1950′s model and several times in the last few decades. The 1970′s brought on the beginning of the end to tiny waistlines: the lowfat, high carb diet came into fashion and our waist lines exploded. Turns out that lowfat isn’t exactly the healthiest diet after all. (Not to mention that insipid eggs & wine diet that Vogue reprinted. How vile the bathrooms must have smelled afterwards!)

I have noticed while studying about diets that the trend is to idolize one ‘superfood’ or to gravitate to one type of food group. Atkins, Fruitarianism, anyone? That shit has to stop. We are omnivores, evolved with the teeth and everything. We need a balanced diet, which means a rotating plate of protein, fats, starch, vegetables and fruits. The fad diets need to end, because they are literally killing people. Talk to a doctor if you want to go on a special diet. Not some holistic nutjob though, please.

Anyway...

My mother was an awful cook. She was the product of a household that just cooked to fill your stomach up and not really about making something that tasted good or was actually good for you. Quantity was the name of the game in my grandmother’s household. I barely remember her meals whenever I visited, most of it was boxed or frozen. My mother continued that trend, sadly.

I associated home cooked meals with rubbery, overcooked chicken, dried out fish fillets, tough as leather pork chops and chewy, stringy cuts of beef. So I lived off sandwiches and snacks like chips, cakes, and cookies. Not to mention my biggest weakness: Soda. I drank liters of the shit at a time and I could not tell you if I ever drank a glass of water as a kid and not be made a liar. I’ve probably permanently damaged my kidneys and liver from filtering coca-cola for years. (how my teeth survived this long is a miracle!)

I always hated pork and fish. I was extremely picky about beef too. Chicken was on thin ice, but I only liked it fried or smothered in cheese. I ate a lot of pasta, rice, and bread.

It clicked for me when I went to dinner at a friend’s house and her parents cooked salmon. I was paralyzed with the fear of being rude but salmon was the number one fish I despised. It was like eating tuna from a can but served hot and with a strong biting aftertaste. So I took a small portion with the intent to gag it down and fill my stomach with some rice.

Imagine my consternation when the salmon was soft, delicate and not ‘fishy’ at all. It tasted of butter, lemon and salt and I think I ate two helpings of it. Puzzled, I asked them what kind of salmon it was-- they said frozen sockeye, which really confused me because that was the same thing my mother used.

Eating my mother’s salmon the next week confirmed my fears: She couldn’t cook and I didn’t hate certain foods. I just couldn’t stomach her cooking. I think mom had a deep fear of food poisoning, which is why she cooked every piece of meat in our house to death. I never asked why and I never told her how I felt and she lives in ignorance of her failing every day. (My siblings know though, I caught their blank 50 yard stares when we visited her a few months back and had to eat her shoeleather porkchops.)

I was not confident in cooking for myself either, because I didn’t have anyone to teach me. Youtube wasn’t around at that time-- and even if it was I didn’t know about it. Ah, the infancy of the internet... I’m so glad the information highway has expanded today because now I have taught myself quite a lot of things besides how to actually cook a slice of meat or bake a cake.

Times have certainly changed, sometimes for the worst. But a free and open internet is one thing I hope never changes, because I want to learn how to sew next.

#Daily calories #yes I know it's under the reccomended limit but it's to offset my cookie binge #don'tfeedthebear #weight loss #fat

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wakeuphealthy · 5 years

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11 Women Who Hate To Cook Share Their Go-To Weeknight Meals

To discover the hack-packed, low-lift recipes that keep the cooking-averse satisfied, we asked millennial women who hate to cook to share their go-to weeknight meals. Ahead, you'll find our favorite responses. These meals could inspire even those who enjoy cooking because, let's face it, we all have nights when we don't have the energy to spend too much time in the kitchen.

Spinach, sausage, mushroom, white bean sauté

Occupation: Writer Age: 41 City: Portland

Why do you like this meal? It's easy to prep, has a quick cook time, and contains solid protein and veg.

What is the recipe for this meal? 1 pound bulk chicken sausage 1 can cannelini beans 1 cup fresh spinach, coarsely chopped 1 cup mushrooms, diced 1/2 cup onion, diced 2+ cloves of garlic, diced Crumble and brown chicken sausage in pan, along with onions and garlic. Add spinach and mushrooms and cook until al dente. Add beans and spices to taste. Simmer for 10 minutes before serving.

Where did this recipe come from? It's a quick recipe my ex (a chef) threw together.

Pimped-out Top Ramen

Occupation: Social media specialist in digital marketing Age: 29 City: Los Angeles, CA

Why do you like this meal? It's always good and you add whatever you have in your fridge.

What is the recipe for this meal? Top Ramen Packet (shrimp, chicken, or really any flavor), a teaspoon of butter, cheese (sliced preferably), salt, pepper, green onion, Sriracha, spam (if you have it), seaweed flakes or seaweed, and an egg.

Where did this recipe come from? My grandma would always add an egg to my top ramen when I was a kid, and all the other additions have been from whatever I had in the kitchen. Butter was a tip from Kylie Jenner. Cheese is my newest addition and it's sooooo good. It makes it creamy.

Rice, tofu, and veggies

Occupation: Graduate student Age: 22 City: Bethlehem, PA

Why do you like this meal? It's easy, quick, vegan, and healthy.

What is the recipe for this meal? Frozen steam bags of any vegetables (I usually use peas, corn, carrots, green beans, and mix them together in a bigger bowl) Frozen steam bag of brown rice (take as much as needed of rice and veggies for one meal and save the rest in the fridge) Firm tofu, sliced into small squares, seasoned with black pepper and nutritional yeast Mix a serving of rice, tofu, and veggies together in a bowl Flax and sesame seeds sprinkled on top

Where did this recipe come from? It's my own creation.

"Poor Man's Dirty Rice"

Occupation: Librarian Age: 23 City: Boise, ID

Why do you like this meal? It's super quick, simple, and really flexible.

What is the recipe for this meal? Cauliflower rice, ground meat, and salsa. I usually use two bags of rice and cook those in a pan. In a separate pan, I will cook some ground meat — usually turkey or beef, but it can be anything. Then, when both are cooked, I mix them in a pan and add a few tablespoons of salsa, a little salt and pepper, and maybe some garlic powder.

Where did this recipe come from? It's a family recipe.

Scrambled eggs and veggies with cheese

Occupation: Journalist Age: 22 City: Davenport, IA

Why do you like this meal? It's super cheap and reasonably healthy, especially since I go so heavy on the veggies. I'm trying to limit my meat intake and most of my attempts to meal prep vegetables have ranged from mediocre to sad, so I also appreciate that it's fast enough to make fresh each time.

What is the recipe for this meal? Two eggs, whatever chopped vegetables you wants (I like kale and tomatoes, a Brussels sprouts slaw I buy pre-cut, or even butternut squash), fresh (or not) herbs, and cheese. If the vegetables are hard, cook those first, otherwise scramble the eggs and add the vegetables at the same time. Add the herbs or any other greens and cheese toward the end. Lately, I've been using smoked cheddar with parsley or Brie and rosemary. I usually try to have an equal amount of vegetables and eggs, but the texture is definitely better with more egg than roughage. I'll add toast or an extra egg if I'm especially hungry.

Where did this recipe come from? It's really just scrambled eggs.

Cilantro-lime rice with chicken apple sausage

Occupation: Graduate student Age: 23 City: Orange County, CA

Why do you like this meal? Super easy and lasts for about three days.

What is the recipe for this meal? Cook cilantro lime rice packet from target, cook chicken apple sausage, then mix together!

Where did this recipe come from? I came up with it through sheer desperation of something easy and lots of time roaming around Target.

Soy chorizo burrito

Occupation: Graphic designer Age: 22 City: Washington, D.C.

Why do you like this meal? It's packed full of protein, is quick to make, can be eaten warm or cool, is easy to store for later or meal prep, and contains simple ingredients.

What is the recipe for this meal? Half a link of soy chorizo (from Trader Joe's), 1 egg, 1 flour tortilla, 1 cup of mashed avocado, olive oil, hot sauce for taste (I prefer the Mexican Valentina brand).

Where did this recipe come from? My boyfriend is Costa Rican, and he makes burritos that are to die for. Since I don't eat a lot of meat, this is an adaptation from what he makes.

Spaghetti with a green salad

Occupation: Temporary receptionist Age: 25 City: Vancouver, British Columbia

Why do you like this meal? It is relatively easy to make and there is enough pasta for at least two other meals.

What is the recipe for this meal? Boil water; start cooking extra lean ground beef until completely brown; add dry pasta to boiling water and cook for 8 minutes, occasionally stirring; add tomato sauce to the cooked ground beef. When the pasta is al dente, you can drain the water and put the pasta in a strainer. Prepare a green salad to go with the spaghetti dinner.

Where did this recipe come from? It is a family recipe but I am sure there are many online recipes for spaghetti.

Rice and chicken with sauce

Occupation: Teacher Age: 28 City: Dallas, TX

Why do you like this meal? It's incredibly easy to make, balanced, and fast. Almost every part can be store bought, so the only thing left to do is heat it up.

What is the recipe for this meal? There are several options for the rice. I'm Korean, so I like a sticky rice. There are companies who sell a microwaveable bowl of rice - that's the easiest way. You can also, of course, just make rice (easy, but time-consuming). Two cups of water per one cup of rice.

The chicken can either be mixed in with the rice or eaten separately. Take some diced chicken (whenever I buy chicken I dice it and separate it into different Ziploc bags, so they're easy to freeze and thaw as needed) and put them in a pan. Optional: before putting them in a frying pan, cover with flour. This will make them crispy. I put flour in a bowl and toss the chicken around in it. I'm sure you could add egg and whatnot, but this is the easiest way. Once that's done, I heat up some oil in a frying pan and then add in the chicken (if there's flour I try to use a little more oil so it can "fry").

Once the chicken is fully cooked, I add in store-bought General Tso sauce mixed with water, about a 1:1 ratio. Target carries several kinds of General Tso sauce, as does any other grocery store I've looked into. The Panda Express brand is one of my favorites. Once the sauce and water are in there, I swirl everything around to mix and let the sauce simmer. I wait until most of the water has evaporated and the sauce is thick. At this point, you can add in the rice. Add a little more sauce as desired and serve!

Where did this recipe come from? It mostly came from a love of Chinese takeout, rice, and easy dinners.

Mashed cauliflower and tofurkey Italian sausage

Occupation: International PR Age: 26 City: Brooklyn, NY

Why do you like this meal? It's super easy, quick, and relatively healthy.

What is the recipe for this meal? Mashed Cauliflower: 2 Tablespoons of butter 1 bag of frozen riced cauliflower or medium head of cauliflower 1 cup water 2-3 cloves of garlic 1/2 teaspoon salt Pepper to taste Directions: Add butter and finely chopped garlic gloves in a 4 quart pot over medium-high heat and add cauliflower once the butter is almost melted. Sauté cauliflower for 3-5 minutes until it becomes a little lighter in color. Add in the water and bring to a boil. Once boiling, cover the pot and cook about 10 minutes. Reserve 1/8 of a cup of the cooking liquid and drain the remainder. Purée the cauliflower with food processor or hand blender.

Veggie Italian Tofurkey Sausage: Heat one link with olive oil over medium heat for about 10 minutes.

Where did this recipe come from? I adapted the mashed cauliflower from a couple of recipes.

Instant noodles with all the (some) trimmings

Occupation: Journalist Age: 30 City: London, England

Why do you like this meal? It's balanced, tastes great, and ridiculously easy.

What is the recipe for this meal? Chop up some vegetables like peppers, broccoli, pak choi, Chinese leaf. Boil water on the stove, add vegetables and a protein like eggs, prawns, or chicken. Once the vegetables and protein are almost cooked, add a packet of quality, authentic instant noodles like Mama, Indomie or NongShim to the pot, with all their accompanying seasonings. Once everything has been cooked to your desired texture (I would recommend al dente noodles over soggy noodles), you're done. You can vary the proportions of noodles, vegetables, and protein according to your dietary needs.

Where did this recipe come from? I learned it from family

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/11-women-hate-cook-share-200500925.html

#recipes #easy meals #cooking #dinner #dinners #meal prep #easy recipes #family meals #health #healthy #nutrition #fitness #school #food #food prep #quick recipes #quick cooking

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themildestofwriters · 5 years

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Meet the Cast: Babette

Tagged by the magnificent @kijilinn who tagged me in this a long time ago and I’ve been desperately trying to write up for. There’ll be one for Josephine out soon so take care of finding that one but outside of that here we go!

1. On a scale of “is occasionally forced to bathe” to “Instagram model with sponsors to hoe for” how involved is your OC’s Skincare routine?

Babette cares about her hygiene and while she doesn’t by the most expensive products available—seeing them nothing more than superfluous wastes of money—she tends to put more than the bare minimum into the products she buys. In this, she’s quite involved in her cleanliness. She keeps herself clean and tidy, grooms herself and even moisturizes often though not every day. Overall, she does care but it isn’t the most important thing in her mind and there are times when depression hits and she just can’t bring herself to care about hygiene.

2. What are your OC’s food preferences (flavours/textures/spiciness/calories/ when and how they eat) and how did they get that way?

I think I made a mention of sour lollies to a friend of mine? Nevertheless, Babette’s food preferences are actually quite interesting considering her nature as a non-human entity. She still must eat but doesn’t have to eat physical food. In fact, physical food is akin to Babette going vegetarian or vegan. Her kinds natural diet consists mainly of metaphysical energy: life energies, magical energies, mental energies, things that can be found in abundance around the universe but can be considered unethical to harvest for food. To take life energy is basically devouring souls. To take magical energy strips an important component of reality that manifests in many different ways, some positive and some negative. To take mental energy would be to drain the memories and other important brain-things of living creatures leaving them mindless husks.

However, as implied before, physical foodstuffs are a substitute. Unfortunately, she needs to eat a lot to substitute the recommended amount of energy for her to consume. If she doesn’t, then she’ll grow weak, first magically but considering she’s not entirely a physical being, it will soon to affect her physical health. She’ll grow weak and frail, decrepit as rapid onset physical aging takes place. Her hair will begin to thin, teeth falling out along with her feathers. It’s not pretty. In this, however, it means calories are of no importance to her. She physically can’t get overweight due to most of her food being turned into this substitute energy while the rest is turned to waste. This doesn’t mean she couldn’t over eat—or over drink—as she’s found. If she eats too much at once, the food cannot be digested quick enough and it will result in her vomiting up the excess.

Babette prefers savoury foods and especially meat. She could literally tear through an entire leg of ham on her own, bone and all, and she would not regret a thing—aside from the bill, probably. As an aside, she could probably do it in one bite, not that the sight of her doing so would be good for your mental health. However, while meat products are her favourite food type, she does enjoy vegetables as they add verity to her meals, both visually and in taste. They’re not as important considering their energy content relating to metaphysical energy, but she enjoys them nonetheless. Fruit as well, milk and sweets! She loves the taste of white chocolate (dark chocolate is eww), and has, much to Josephine’s exasperation, eaten an entire cake by herself because she just needed just one. More. Bite.

For texture, Babette doesn’t have much of a preference. She’ll eat a lot of things and isn’t too picky about what she eats in this regard and in most regards.

For spiciness… Babette may be a goddess, but she cannot handle too much spice. It still burns and can sometimes be a bit overwhelming for her. Lightly spiced food is fine but its not like she’d empty an entire bottle of chilly powder onto her meal before eating it. While it wouldn’t hurt her, she would still not enjoy it. At the same time, she wouldn’t enjoy her meal if it was too bland. If she’s cooking, it can be expected for her to add some home grown or otherwise hand-picked spices into the mix and, perhaps, some experimentation.

Babette eats when Josephine eats and beyond. Josephine has a healthy eating schedule and so Babette does. However, this isn’t always a constant and sometimes she just can’t bring herself to eat whether due to depression or some other reason. When she does eat, however, she eats like royalty. She finds eating messy uncouth and would prefer eating with utensils whenever possible. She does make exceptions but only with certain foods that won’t result in her needing to wash her hands afterwards. If she needs to eat chicken wings, she’ll use a knife and fork, but a burger is fair game if wrapped properly.

3. What’s something pointless/petty/unimportant that IRRATIONALLY ANNOYS THE HELL out of your OC?

To name one, it would be walking slowly in narrow pathways. She has the patience of an immortal, but it doesn’t mean much. She doesn’t want to deal with having her life slowed down and would much rather prefer spending her time at home or with others she cares about. She’s a fast walker and finds it annoying dealing with anyone going slower then her on purpose. If you’re old or injured or something like that, then that’s good, but if you’re purposefully walking slower then she’ll get pissed off. The same can apply when shopping, especially if she’s inline to check out and someone decides to take their time, needlessly—most of all, she’ll hate you for life if you decide to slow down the check-out line by making a massive scene and yelling at the clerk because they didn’t greet you right or they didn’t accept your two-years-out-of-date coupon.

4. What’s your OC’s response to being asked for money by a homeless person?

If she had money to spare on hand, she would part with it. If she didn’t, she would turn them away apologetically. Her heart goes out to them, and she would feel guilt knowing that she could do something about it but won’t. As will be mentioned for question 6, Babette doesn’t want to help any more than a human could because she knows that it would be a slippery slope that would result in her overexerting herself in her attempt to fix the universe’s problems as she had once before. It’s the strongest piece of self-control not to fix all their problems and she feels guilty.

5. Does your OC get lost easily? What do they do when they do get lost?

It’s unlikely she’ll get lost. She knows her way around a map and has a very good memory—though not a perfect one—that allows her to mentally map places with some effort. However, if she ever does find herself lost, her usual response is to try not to panic and plan. Lost in a forest? Fly above the tree line and figure out where she is. Lost in a city? Ask around. Lost in space? She has no idea and would probably attempt to find any navigation technology nearby or fly to the nearest star. While there are times where she hasn’t reacted the best, she knows what to do and acts efficiently once the initial panic is gone.

6. What would STOP your OC from Doing The Right Thing in a tense situation?

It depends on what is considered the “Right Thing”. To make it easy, I’ll base it on what Peter Parker, The Spider-Man, considers to be the “Right Thing’ which can be summarised as “With great power comes great responsibility.” In other words, if you have the power to do something good for the world, it is your responsibility to do that thing. In this, Babette is stopping herself from doing the right thing, even in a tense situation.

She has godlike power and doesn’t use it to hep the world. She purposely makes sure that she only helps as much as a human could but she’s not going to do anything more—she won’t fly over seas to solve world hunger or end tyrannical regimes or anything like that. Those kinds of things aren’t her responsibility and she forces herself to leave it to those responsible. Earth is the domain of humanity and so it’s humanities responsibility to look after the Earth and solve the problems that afflict it. She might help out occasionally but no more than a human reasonably could—unless she becomes emotionally invested, which she tries desperately not to. Of course, this isn’t just because she knows it isn’t her responsibility, but rather the knowledge that the last time she took responsibility into her own hands the galaxy was wiped of life and she doesn’t want that to happen again no matter how many aeons it took to get to that point originally.

7. Realistically, could your OC (in their normal circumstances- i.e. at their own house/battlecamp/spaceship etc.) keep a small child alive for a week if they had to? A Dog? A Houseplant? A rock with a smiley face painted on?

Yes, she could. 100%

She might not be a good role model, but she’ll keep that kid/dog/plant/rock alive until it dies from means outside her control which she’d probably attempt to fight against nevertheless because by then she’d have imprinted on the kid and unceremoniously adopted it. If it were a baby, she would raise that thing as if it were her own flesh and blood—she would tend to its needs, sing it songs at night, play and engage with it and perhaps attempt to teach it a few things. If the baby ever managed to say her name, she would probably break down crying and once the week is up there will be more tears to share as she says goodbye to the little bundle of joy. A dog? She’s more of a cat person but with such energetic playfulness and joy, she’d be hard-pressed to not start enjoying her time. With a house plant, she might just pawn that off to Josephine because its Josephine’s thing, probably the rock too.

8. If your OC had to take the S.A.T. tomorrow with one night to prep, how would they do? both emotionally and academically.

Emotionally, no fucks would be given that night or day. She’s been in more stressful situations and even if she did care about the S.A.T.s she wouldn’t worry much at all. She has a great memory and I’m pretty sure her academic knowledge is one of the few parts she’s confidant with. As for her academic results, I’d say she’d do very well. She wouldn’t score the highest she could, especially with only one night’s worth of prep—which, depending on how far she’d humour the S.A.T., she might end up pulling an all-nighter—but she would do remarkably well and score fairly high. Over all, she doesn’t care much because she doesn’t really need it. She’d probably be the most chill person in the entire building.

9. What would cause your OC to choose to do something petty/pointlessly cruel?

As of Divine Intervention Babette isn’t one to really act out if things are done to her specifically. Well, she would but only in specific situations. If someone does something to those she cares about, even if it wasn’t that bad but still caused a problem? Well… Babette doesn’t really understand “Proportional Retribution” and due to her life experiences, she might see something relatedly minor as something major and react as such. Getting physical with her girlfriend in an ill-fated attempt to court her may result in a fractured wrist, for example. Another example would be from the film Man of Steel as Babette would totally crucify someone’s truck if they threw something at her head.

10. On a scale of “Complete and Justified nervous breakdown” to “Conquer The Entire Galaxy and become an Immortal God-Emperor”, how well would your OC handle being abducted by Aliens?

…she did both.

11. What song is 100% guaranteed to get your OC beyond excited and will be sung loudly and embarrassingly, either in public or the shower?

Babette’s a singer and musician, often at times sings along to many songs when she has the energy. She plays music while in the shower and can be heard singing along with—same as with the car, where she’s either drumming along with the beat or simply singing her heart out. Singing is a passion of hers and there isn’t really a specific song that would lead her to start singing her heart out. As of 2018, she would so get into the Country Roads meme and would absolutely sing her heart out if it ever appeared on radio.

12. What perfectly-normal-to-them-thing does your OC do that confuses/pisses off/terrifies their neighbours?

Probably the things coming out of her mouth. Babette is very bad at hiding the fact that she’s a god and the things that come out of her mouth don’t help. Some would think her comments about “kids these days” as jokes at her own expense, but if the neighbours actually listen to the words coming out of her mouth, the more they’d get confused and worried. The anger in her voice; the pain; the misery; the grief; if they listened, they would hear it. That’s normal for her, isn’t it?

13. Under what circumstances would your OC appear naked in public?

Very, very specific circumstances. She doesn’t mind performing rather nsfw deeds in public and is rather excited by the prospect, but she would never do it in public. Always it will be public-adjacent where only those she’s performing these nsfw deeds with can see her. It’s unlikely that she would ever actually appear naked in public proper and is rather prudish in this situation. If her clothes were somehow destroyed, she would cover herself as best she could whether by using hands, wings or magic to obscure her form. About the only time I could think for her to appear naked would perhaps be at a nudist beach but I’m finding it a hard time seeing her appear naked of her own volition elsewhere.

14. What thing did your OC’s parents do that your OC wishes they had a better explanation for?

I would probably say… she wishes she knew why Maria and Matthew divorced—her biological parents. She doesn’t have the full picture and even when she tried to ask all she got was conflicting evidence. Maria was a bad wife, no, Matthew was a bad husband. Both don’t like each other, and Babette doesn’t know who’s telling the truth of if there’s a grain of truth to each of their stories.

15. How often does your OC “zone out” or do things on autopilot and how severe have the problems that have arisen from that been?

Sometimes when she’s playing an instrument where she’ll just zone out as she plays. Sometimes she’ll zone out when doing a menial task. She zones out in the shower, she zones out on the bus, she zones out in class, she zones out a lot. She hasn’t really done anything bad while zoned out but there have been a few times when someone’s startled her bad enough that her fight response kicks in and she attacks the “threat”. Usually, however, she’s able to catch herself before she actually injures them—unless they were an actual threat.

16. How strong or weak is your OC’s Impulse control? What’s the worst thing that happened because of their Impulsivity or inability to be so?

It depends on the subject. She is very impulsive when it comes to helping people and great self-restraint is needed to not fall down that slippery slope of helping everyone she meets. However, she’s not an impulsive buyer and is mostly in control when dealing with fighting people—she’s not going to hurt someone unless she knows for certain that they deserve it. On the other hand, when she’s dealing with the man who murdered her mother, the only thing she could think about was removing that pathetic excuse for life in the most painful way possible.

Because of her hesitance, she’s probably seen innocent people get hurt or even die. With her impulsive drive to destroy the man who murdered her mother, she’s jeopardised missions. She’s done things she’s not proud of because of her impulsiveness and there are times when she wished she were more impulsive.

17. How does your OC sabotage themselves?

Babette self-sabotage’s herself in a lot of ways. She focuses on the negative aspects of herself, completely ignoring her positive sides. She focuses too much on the bad things in life and tries to act like the good things aren’t that good. She focuses on negativity in general, especially in regard to herself and experiences. She tries to suppress herself and her emotions. She’s far to self-sacrificing, putting other’s needs way before her own. She compares herself to others and doesn’t let what other’s do inspire her to do better, instead wallowing in guilt. She’s a perfectionist who’s only satisfied when 100% of problems are fixed. Instead of dealing with her trauma she puts it off until it starts negatively effecting her love life. She deprives herself of sleep just to get away from traumatic nightmares instead of getting help. She forces herself to relieve horrible moments in her life (i.e. listening to her first girlfriend’s suicide note during Christmas). Self-generating stress and over working herself when she really just needs to take a seat.

To say the least, she’s very much into the self-sabotaging occupation.

18. What’s the trashiest item in your OC’s wardrobe, when was the last time they wore it and why do they still have it?

Babette doesn’t really have anything trashy in her wardrobe. She tends to keep it clean and clear with about the only thing she’s kept around for a long time being her necklace and a once-radioactive dress of hers.

19. How Dehydrated is your OC right now? Are they going to fix this?

At 6:50pm, she’s probably just had dinner or something so not so dehydrated. She doesn’t drink the recommended amount, but at the same time she does have a bottle of water on hand to drink every now and then. Especially in the summer when it’s uncomfortably hot, she likes water whether it’s bathing, swimming or drinking.

20. What’s your OC smell like? No, not that “Vanilla and Anxiety” evocative stuff, realistically. Body odour? What have they been touching all day? When was their last shower? Did they put on any kind of artificial scent?

Babette naturally smells faintly of burning ozone in line with her affinity for lightning. If she doesn’t bathe, then she may begin to smell offensive after a few days. It’s not as bad as others as she doesn’t have particularly bad body odour, but it’ll still a bad smell and she’ll still want a shower. Outside of her natural smells, the lingering ozone is sometimes mixed with soap or perfume or deodorant. Usually, these things will be scented in line with the forest or fruits.

She bathes at least once every two days, perhaps more depending on the weather and what activities she’s up to—and usually at night—and she brushes her teeth twice a day and flosses once a day. As it’s like… 3:02am at the time of writing this answer, she’s probably had a shower earlier and is attempting to get to sleep.

She usually only wears perfume when going to a party or out on a date.

I tag: @gottaenjoythelittlethingzz; @randomestfandoms-ocs; @rose-writes-and-drinks-tea; @ariellaskylark; @cometworks; @i-tried-and-i-loose; @pens-swords-stuff; and anyone else who wants to do this!

#oc: babette melwyn #original character #ocs #work: divine intervention #goddess #eldritch #main character #writeblr #writers on tubmlr #writing #oc wip

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94monkeys · 5 years

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This week has been a crapfest (3 big events since Tuesday? no thank you) but yesterday I took some time out to stress-cook this very viral recipe. It comes from cookbook author Alison Roman and is popularly known as #TheStew.

Findings:

This soup was fine... not spectacular.

It’s a good way to consume kale if you hate the taste of kale (hi) but still want the nutritional benefits. I’d maybe even put in MORE next time. If there is a next time.

I know this isn’t everything, but it is QUITE high in calories and fat. The NYT Cooking page doesn’t provide stats, so I ran it through MyFitnessFrenemy and came up with 711 calories, 50 grams of fat. That’s for a ~1.75c bowl (not, like, a bread bowl). And that’s without the yogurt topping and naan side they recommend!

(I mentioned this on Twitter and a friend who, bless her heart, has always struggled with being underweight jumped in to defend fat. Yes, I know fat is part of a healthy diet. I would just prefer not to consume most of my daily range in one meal, for one soup. Mayhap my nutritional needs are different from yours!)

(Here I thought my only problem would be #TheStew fanatics coming for me after I suggested it wasn’t the best thing ever.)

My chickpeas never actually got crisp before they started burning the bottom of the pot. That probably wouldn’t have improved taste but texture would have been more fun.

I’d rather make that slow cooker Thai chicken soup again—very similar flavor profile, less work, but higher in protein, lower in calories.

#52 recipes 2019

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shellheadtmarc · 6 years

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sometimes i wonder if i shouldn’t just make this a canon-divergent fallout blog with mcu verses on the side bc god knows i can’t shut up about tony’s fallout verses but listen. listen. they’re super active and i love them and i have a few more headcanons and commentary i want to get down for his sosu and companion verses so just deal with it.

[if i ever made fancy banners this is where it would probably go i guess]

+ in neither verse is he overly fond of or good with farm animals. and i mean all of them, anything you can raise for food: brahmin, radstags, mirelurks, rad chickens, rad rabbits - he’s terrible with all of them. dogs and cats he gets along with just fine, but he doesn’t see how anyone has the patience to deal with the rest. + in his companion verse, while he logically and intellectually knows brahmin doesn’t taste anything like beef at all anymore - not really - he was around for the mutation and his tastebuds shifted with those mutations, so now he can’t physically tell. if you asked him if a brahmin steak tastes like a pre-war steak, he’d have to admit he can’t remember anymore, because it’s just been too long. the same goes for a lot of other things, because as far as he can tell these days, radstag tastes like venison should, and mirelurk is just really big crab, but it’s because how it did taste has been overridden by how things do taste. + there’s still no explanation for the fancy lad hate, except he’ll claim it’s too sweet, and there’s something...soggy in and of itself about the cake, and he’ll swear up and down it’s always been that way and is not a result of sitting around in a box for two hundred and some change years. so if you like fancy lads and don’t want to have to fight over them, tony’s the guy to run with because all he does is sell them and trade them. he’ll choke before he forces himself to eat one. at least, i guess, we know he’s not a synth. + food he misses: french fries. philly cheesesteaks. ice cream. kettle corn (though it’s probably still feasible to make - he just is a terrible cook). carbonated soda. + he can’t taste the difference of beans in instant coffee anymore. which is a good thing, because he’ll pay premium caps for instant coffee if a trader has it. he’ll carry off every bit of it he finds scavving. he hoards it like it’s gold because he drinks it like it’s water. if tony is still enough or in a single room long enough to do thinky work instead of elbow grease work, he’s probably drinking a cup of coffee. and yet he wonders why his body won’t just shut down and sleep - can’t be his excess caffeine consumption, right? + june warwick’s mirelurk cakes are fucking fantastic and he will literally fight you over that fact. yeah, the warwick homestead smells terrible but he will g l a d l y volunteer to do work there because june will pay him in food. and in a world where food is really more of a precious commodity for a guy who can build his own weapon mods and most other things instead of buying them than caps? he’s going to opt for the food every time. + his diet is less what a canon tony would look at as “health conscious” and leans far more toward “calorie dense and protein packed”. because he needs fuel for the literal nonstop work he likes to throw himself into as escapism more than he’s worried about some fad from two hundred years ago. + the texture of tatos still makes him cringe. but he’ll eat it anyway because while he has the luxury of turning his nose up at snack cakes, actual food he does not. he feels the same away about most bug meats. he’d really rather not, but if push comes to shove, he can choke just about anything down. except those fucking fancy lads.

#;; i wrote my name in the sky so remember me (v; fo4 companion)#;; but you and i know it gets better when the morning finally rears its head (v; sosu)#;; i've been trying to fix my pride but that shit's broken (headcanon)#cw food #// i guess?#// either way food is actually #// one of those important concerns in the wasteland and he has #// you know #// thoughts on a lot of it

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thedisneychef · 1 year

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Wolfgang Puck Bacon Wrapped Meatloaf – Wolfgang Puck Express

I’ve thought Wolfgang Puck was a culinary genius ever since I caught one of his old shows airing as a “filler” on the early morning weekend programming block of The Food Network. I couldn’t understand a word the man was saying, but he seemed so into what he was doing, and his food looked so good, it was impossible to not want to jump in a kitchen after watching his contagious personality. After I tried his recipe for garlic bread, the most amazing garlic bread the world has ever seen by the way, this man became one of my cooking idols. Even Gordon Ramsay, my other huge favorite, worships the ground the man cooks on. More Delicious Recipes You Will Love: - Tostadas De Tinga – San Angel Inn - World Famous Chicken Crunch – Planet Hollywood - You Put the Lime in the Coconut That status as culinary god was further cemented by eating at Wolfgang Puck Express in Downtown Disney… Amazing food, humungous portions, and only a counter-serve credit? A genius and a philanthropist to the cause of enjoying the best of Disney at a bargain. My first trip to Disney in September of 2011, I ate there 4 times in 7 days. In January, 3 times in 4 days. This last trip, 3 times in 7 days. When I get home, I always really regret not eating there more. As I said, kind of a big fan. When I got the recipe for his famous bacon wrapped meatloaf, I freaked out. First I freaked out with excitement over actually having this recipe, the actual one from Wolfgang Puck Express. Pair it with the cream cheese mashed potatoes and this was going to be a win. Then I freaked out when I read the recipe… Not a single ounce of bread crumb, bread, or panko to be seen. His secret ingredient? Mushrooms. MUSHROOMS. I hate mushrooms. Hate, hate, HATE mushrooms. Had Wolfgang Puck been feeding me mushrooms on the sly? And I never noticed? This, for me, was like seeing a piece of behind-the-scenes Disney magic that you never wanted to see. I was totally convinced that this dish, one of my favorites, was ruined forever and despite loving it while I ate it, I could never think of it the same way again if it really and honestly did include mushrooms. Turns out, after multiple confirmations, that yes, Wolfgang Puck uses mushrooms, not breadcrumbs, in his meatloaf under the belief that it makes the loaf moister, have better texture overall, and adds to the meaty flavor (as mushrooms absorb the flavor of meat very well) in a way that bread just can’t. I almost passed on this recipe… I just really hate mushrooms. I didn’t want to eat anything with mushrooms in it. I literally had to sell myself on the idea of making this the entire time I was grocery shopping. I had to convince myself it’d be worth it, that I wouldn’t notice, and that it’d taste amazing. When I chopped the mushrooms, I freely admit I went overboard, chopping them to almost a fine paste in the fear of tasting them when I ate a slice. As usual, it turns out my insanity was wasted… When it was cooked, you couldn’t tell that there were mushrooms, which if I hadn’t melted down into full “mushrooms are nasty” mode, I’d have rationally realized as you can’t tell when you order it at Wolfgang Puck Express either. And the meatloaf was delicious, perhaps maybe slightly under seasoned from what is served (but that may have been my fault… I forgot to add thyme and added less salt), but otherwise, an amazingly spot-on copy of what is offered at Wolfgang Puck express. Honestly, it was like a slice of Disney vacation. Wrapping the bacon around the meatloaf was way easier then I thought to do, but very difficult to explain. Hopefully, by the pictures I took, people can see what I did. Basically I layered the bacon in a zipper-like fashion, with the end of the bacon slightly more then halfway across the bottom of the pan, then layering the next piece in the opposite direction. This worked amazingly well, and it looked way cool. I tried to make sure that the fatty portions of the bacon weren’t all on top of each other, layering it so that fat was over bacon meat, not bacon fat over bacon fat (which hopefully makes sense), so as to keep the bacon from falling apart… And it should go without saying, this is a really, really fatty dish. I had to drain it partway through cooking so that the bottom of the meatloaf wasn’t stewing in fat. I’ll also say that the waterbath was the big secret to the moistness of this dish, along with the mushrooms. The extra little bit of hassle is totally worth it. This was one of my favorite dishes to make and serve for this blog… Seriously, it was amazing. If I’d had beef broth on hand to make that amazing sauce they serve with it and some onion straws, I’d have been in heaven. But there’s always next time… ~~~~ °o° ~~~~ In addition to the delicious food and recipes, Disney World is also known for its unique dining experiences, such as character dining and themed restaurants. Whether you want to have breakfast with Mickey Mouse, dine in a replica of a sci-fi drive-in theater at Hollywood Studios, or enjoy a meal with an ocean view at the Coral Reef Restaurant in Epcot, there's something for everyone. And with the help of Recipes Today and the How to Make category, you can even recreate some of these magical dining experiences in your own home. So why not start planning your next Disney-inspired meal or dining experience today? Read the full article

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #334

"i dreamed i was missing / you were so scared / but no one would listen, ‘cuz no one else cared”

Sunrise or sunset? Sunset has prettier colors, imo, but I enjoy the pastel nature of sunrises, too. Are you mentally ill? Oh brother. Are you physically ill? I don't have any serious physical health issues, no. Introvert or extrovert? I'm a very strong introvert. What do you think when you look at your body? That it's fucking disgusting. What have others said when they look at your body? When I was healthy, I was complimented every now and again. With the body I have now? I'm glad people keep their months shut. Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? There's a good 'ole handful or two. Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? It's weird, I'm not a city person at all, but possibly when I was walking the streets of Chicago with Sara and her dad one evening. There was just so much life, so many new sights, that it was impossible not to. Plus, I was at a very happy point in my life, so. I just enjoyed a lot. Are you confident wearing a bikini? FUCK NO. Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Mentally, obviously. Everyone has at some point. I've never been seriously physically hurt by family, but Mom did spank my sisters and me as kids if we did something wrong. Biggest lie you have told? I don't really know. I get really uncomfortable telling even minor lies, so making a big one would be excruciating. I'm not saying I've never said a biggie, I'm sure in 25 years of life I said something stupid at one point, I just don't remember it. Do you believe in the Illuminati? Nah; there's some compelling evidence, but I just think it's way too big of a secret to keep. Regrets in your life? Blaming the breakup entirely on Jason and saying just plain cruel things to him afterwards. Also sending an appallingly hateful letter to Dad to vent after the divorce. Flirting with my then-best friend's boyfriend at the time behind her back. Dating Tyler (it's a small one, but still a regret). There are others, those are just the only ones coming to me right now. Achievements in your life? Lots of academic success and awards (before college, anyway...), artistic accomplishments like having my work put in a museum, surviving a traumatic breakup, (mostly) recovering from massive depression... What did people say about you in school? Nothing, really. I was a quiet student who just did her work and tried hard. Is there something you have never told anyone? Yes. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? First, I'm paying off college debt. Then Mom gets a new car, followed by me getting new glasses and renewing my permit. I'm getting a good terrarium setup for Venus. Then, it's tattoo time, baby, haha. I can't really do the mental math on how much this all would cost, but those are the high-priority things I can think of. Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? Jason and I were playfighting in bed, and he had me pinned. Our faces were close, and I decided to kiss him. It was a fairy tale moment, in my eyes. He looked so bashful for once (he's far from shy) but also really happy, and I was too. Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Low, I think. Or maybe average, when Dad was still around. Have you been raised by a solo parent? When I was around 17, my parents split, so kinda-sorta. Do you know both your parents? Thankfully, yes. Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No. Are you comfortable accepting compliments? Ehhhh, I really appreciate them and they can make my whole day, but I'm very awkward about it. I get shy. Are you comfortable giving compliments? Oh yes. I honestly love giving compliments; I know how happy they can make me, so why not share that with others? Is any mental illness hindering your life? Guess. (: Is any physical illness hindering your life? Well, it's not an "illness," but the muscles in my legs have severely atrophied from leading such a horribly sedentary lifestyle, and that has greatly affected my ability to work without the risk of just collapsing. Walking at all is painful. Are you preparing for an apocalypse? No. I'm not really one to worry about "prepping." If it happens, it happens, man. I'm not spending loads of money on a "maybe." Are you interested in cults? Not really, no. Are your parents good cooks? Mom is fine, but it's hard to really judge Dad's cooking since he barely ever did it, plus I haven't had his cooking in many, many years. I remember he was great at making breakfast, though. That was like a rare treat, him deciding to make breakfast for everyone. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No. Do you know anyone who is an actor? No. Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? They never did. Have you ever used a public pay phone? No. Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. Have you taken someone's virginity? No. Is confidence cute? "Confidence, yes. But cockiness and arrogance, no. That’s a whole different area that’s definitely not cute." <<<< Nailed it. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Doubt it. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No; rather, I drink too much of it. I'm trying really hard to lay off of it, and I drink nowhere near as much as I used to (when oddly enough, I was healthy and fit), but I'm still not comfortable drinking a can and a half a day. Listening to? "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Kinda obsessed. Ever used a bow and arrow? No, but archery is cool. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I don't think this has happened since my senior shot in HS. Take a vitamin daily? Daily, no, but I really should. I take a Vitamin D capsule every Sunday, though. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I only really like "Love Story" and "Picture to Burn." Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah. Which are better: black or green olives? I don't like olives period, but I guess black. What’s your 3rd favourite animal? Huh, never thought of #3, just #1 and #2: meerkats and opossums. Maybe snakes? Do you like mushrooms? NO. NO NO NO. What dream do you remember most vividly? One I don't talk about. A childhood nickname? Mom called me "Twinkie" and still sometimes does. ;-; Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? Just Sara. And yes, regarding some people. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I'm unsure, but probably. I don't tend to just like... randomly block people. What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Of course it was MySpace. It's still floating around somewhere in cyberspace. What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I get nostalgic over the Animal Planet forums sometimes. Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Yes, Sara. I felt like it would go just fine, but it went even better than I expected - I was oddly very comfortable around her and her family. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? Are you a fan of things like that in general? Yeah; I tried many brands until I settled for Equate, surprisingly. Cheap does not equate to bad quality, my friends. We always have the chocolate ones in the house, and they're really not bad at all. Are you the kind of person to enjoy taking naps? I love me my daily nap, man. What's your favourite kind of cheese to have on a pizza? Idk, whatever cheese is normally used, lol. What's a hobby you loved when you were younger but no longer enjoy for whatever reason? I guess video editing. I can't say I'd no longer enjoy it at all, but now the idea sounds far more like a chore than fun. Is there a popular food/drink that you can't stand? What is it and why don't you like it? I could name five dozen, but here's just a few: coffee, pie, tea, fried chicken (or is that just a Southern thing to be obsessed with?), and... of course now that I'm asked this question, I'm blanking on the huge number I know exist. As for "why," that varies, but it's either just simply a taste or even a texture thing. How would your wedding boquet look like? I want a gothic-themed wedding, so imagine a mix of black and maroon roses... whew-wee. You’re at a bar, and you witness a man drugging some girl's drink. What do you do? No hesitation, I'm decking the motherfucker. Fuck my fear of men, he's getting knocked out, and I'm immediately alerting the staff, as well as of course the girl. Kids? How many? Why? Names? Boy or girl? Y'know, loads and loads of scaly and hairy ones. Got plenty of name ideas depending on what they are and how they look. The only baby whose gender matters to me is the tarantula because females live waaaay longer. Fuck them human babies, not for me. Are you an organ donor? Absolutely. I sure as hell ain't usin' 'em once I'm dead, so consider it my last act of selflessness. Whats the most you’ve ever lost gambling? I don't gamble. What is something you can never give up (that's not love or family)? My pebble from my "graduation" from my first partial hospitalization program. It's meant to symbolize how great pain and trials can file you into something beautiful. It was passed around group, everyone holding it in their hands as they wished me well and spoke their piece about me. I'm honestly just fighting back tears remembering it. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No, I'm way too impatient for that shit.. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Hm. I guess it depends on what you use it for. Have you ever witnessed a birth in person? A human birth, no fucking thank you. I've only ever seen pet cats give birth. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does, big time. He quit drinking, but never quite managed to stay away from cigarettes. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? Seeing as I grew up with outdoor cats that we couldn't afford to fix, pretty much all of our tomcats left for roving once they came of a certain age. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan and Jason know each other, Jason and Girt know one another as well, and Sara and Girt have met. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? I simply cannot fathom the belief that "dinosaurs never existed." Explain the fucking fossils, like come the fuck on. It's absolute denial in the name of religion. What was the very first election you voted in? This one that just passed, actually. What is one random fact about you? I want like 20 tarantulas but Mom says no. :( Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the summer? Fuck no, I will do anything to stay inside in summer. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? I love band tees, yeah. My Ninja Sex Party shirt is the most comfortable, but comfort aside, it's hard to pick a favorite. Possibly my Otep one, 'cuz the design is dope. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. What season do you want to get married in? Fall. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Oh god, I don't own expensive brand stuff. I guess the only exclusion would be my Cloak shirt, but even that's not like, mad pricey. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Maybe that Catz game? Even though the music was the most fucking obnoxious meowing ever lmao. What was the last compliment you remember someone gave to you? Who was it? It was this guy in my PHP group; my therapist surprised the fuck out of me by sharing with everyone my most recent poem (I trust him a lot, and he urges me to send him my art, so I've done that twice), and I nearly fucking died from cardiac arrest. However, this Nick guy, who's a poetry major, told me it was better than stuff he reads in his Master's program. I almost cried. Have you ever personally been friends with a stripper or prostitute? No, not that I'm opposed though or anything. If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? The one on my inner forearm. Have you ever actually met and talked to someone who’s famous? No. When was the last time you got a parking ticket for anything at all? I never have. Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No; Roman won't even come close enough to a stranger TO bite, haha. It's funny, he's so goofy and you'd guess outgoing, but instead, he's terrified of people he doesn't recognize. What’s your favorite type of sushi? I don't eat sushi. What’s your favorite patriotic song? Don't have one. Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No, and I'd really prefer not to because it would just drag me back to dark times. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? ^ Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you like soy sauce? omfg no What’s your favorite store to browse around? Morph Market. @_@ It's a hub for reptiles for sale, and I have my days where I just browse the ball python morphs for like an hour or so, haha. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend had? Christ, half my friends on Facebook are having babies, idr. I don't know who was the most recent. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? I'm very fast. Have you ever been considered the "smartest person in school?" No; that was my friend Hannia. I'm pretty certain she would qualify as a genius. Her GPA was fucking incredible. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? No.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''leave out all the rest'' by linkin park

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bulbspoon9-blog · 5 years

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Zucchini Pesto Pasta with Roasted Almonds

Creamy zucchini pesto pasta is an easy way to pack in vegetables. Blend raw zucchini into pesto to make it extra creamy and sub in roasted almonds for a roasted nuttiness. This creamy pesto pasta recipe is a refreshingly healthy summer dish – top with crispy pancetta or your favorite protein to make it a complete meal!

This recipe is sponsored by Diamond Nuts, a year-long partner of Snixy Kitchen.

Mark my words: This time next year, I’ll have an herb garden. It’ll be lush with mint and hopefully basil. I know nothing about growing herbs, but I know from walks around the neighborhood that mint loves our climate. I’ll also grow zucchini, so between the garden and my freezer stash of Diamond Nuts, I’ll have everything I need to make this zucchini pesto pasta all summer long.

When I told my next door neighbor of our plans, he all but bet $100 against my follow through, “You hate gardening and herbs are finicky!”

I don’t hate gardening. In his defense, we share a chainlink fence and all he sees is the backyard weed jungle we’ve had since we bought the house three years ago, save for the one weekend a year we spend mowing it all back. Also known as: Last weekend and the story of the taller-than-me-weeds.

The truth is, I hate yardwork and managing a field of weeds that has absolutely no payoff. Our backyard is just a pile of uneven dirt with weeds covering it. Even when we mow back the weeds, it’s still not a usable space yet.

YET! But it will be – next year!

BIG NEWS: We break ground in a little over two months on a major home addition. We’re ripping open the back of our house, converting our bedroom to a master bath & walk-through closet, and adding on two bedrooms, plus easy access to the backyard, AND A DECK. We’ve been waiting to landscape our backyard until finishing the addition because it’d be a waste when we’re going to lose half the yard anyway.

More on the addition to come, but for now, just know I’ve got big plans for gardening and lots of zucchini basil pesto next year.

Zucchini Pesto Pasta

This creamy zucchini pesto pasta recipe is the final dish in a year-long partnership with Diamond Nuts. Here’s the round-up of all the post I’ve made this past year:

Now I’m making a summer-forward zucchini pesto pasta using their whole almonds. I’ve roasted and chopped them up into the pesto with a few sprinkled on top for extra crunch. Served warm or cold, this creamy pesto pasta is the perfect healthy summer dinner recipe!

How to make Zucchini Pesto

Zucchini pesto is one of my favorite variations on classic pesto. Add a chopped up raw zucchini to the food processor or blender when making your pesto. Then continue as you usually do when making pesto!

Adding zucchini to the pesto makes it extra creamy and is the perfect way to add extra veggies to your dinner (and/or disguise them for toddlers). Raw zucchini has such a mild flavor that it takes a backseat to the more assertive basil, garlic, and almonds.

Make a double batch and store any extras in the freezer for up to 6 months.

Almond Pesto

You can easily sub almonds in for pine nuts in pesto. Before using almonds in pesto, be sure to roast them first. Roasting the whole almonds does two things. First, it adds depth of flavor, intensifying their nuttiness. It also improves the texture of the nuts for pesto, keeping them crisp when chopped up in the pesto.

Tip: When the summer day is too hot to turn on the oven to roast nuts, roast them in a toaster oven. That’s exactly what I did when I made this pesto on a 95°F day.

As a native to almond country (ahem “ah-mund”), my mom always taught me to keep a stash of whole Diamond Nuts almonds in my freezer. So, more often than not, I make pesto with roasted almonds because it’s what I’ve got on hand. In fact, I always roast more than I need for a recipe and store the rest already roasted to have some ready to go!

I also recommend reserving a handful of finely chopped roasted almonds to sprinkle on top for extra crunch almost like breadcrumbs.

Creamy Pesto Pasta with Zucchini

To serve this zucchini pesto, toss it with more shaved zucchini and your favorite pasta, adding a splash or two of pasta water to loosen the sauce until creamy. You can serve this dish cold or warm – heat on low, tossing with the pasta just until warmed through.

Serve topped with shaved parm, chopped roasted almonds, and fresh basil. Add your favorite protein to make it a complete meal. In my case, crispy pancetta.

Head over to my Instagram tomorrow at 12pm PDT for a giveaway of a year’s supply of Diamond of California Nuts!

More zucchini recipes

Disclosure: Special thanks to Diamond Nuts for providing the ingredients for this recipe and sponsoring this post! And thanks to you for supporting the companies that keep Snixy Kitchen cooking!

Yield: 4 servings

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 13 minutes

Total Time: 23 minutes

Creamy zucchini pesto pasta is an easy way to pack in vegetables. Blend raw zucchini into pesto to make it extra creamy and sub in roasted almonds for a roasted nuttiness. This creamy pesto pasta recipe is a refreshingly healthy summer dish - top with crispy pancetta or your favorite protein to make it a complete meal!

Ingredients

Zucchini Pesto

1 small zucchini, quartered and sliced into quarter-rounds (about 1½ cups)

¾ cup packed basil (*See note)

1/3 cup packed freshly grated parmesan cheese

1 garlic clove, coarsely chopped (add 1 more clove for a more garlicky pesto)

¼ teaspoon each kosher salt and pepper

½ cup + 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil

½ cup Diamond Nuts whole almonds, roasted

Pesto Pasta

1lb spaghetti, fettuccine, or other long pasta (gluten-free, if needed)

1 small zucchini, shaved into strips with a vegetable peeler

¼ Diamond Nuts whole almonds, roasted and finely chopped

Optional, for garnish: 3oz thinly sliced pancetta, fried until crispy

Instructions

Bring a large pot of salted water to boil over medium-high heat.

Prepare the zucchini pesto. Add zucchini, basil, parmesan, garlic, salt, and pepper to a food processor and pouring in olive oil as it runs, process until smooth. Add roasted almonds and pulse to desired texture. Tasted and adjust salt and pepper to desired taste.

Meanwhile, fry the pancetta in a skillet until crispy. Transfer to a paper-towel lined plate to cool, then coarsely chop.

Cook pasta according to the package, until al dente, reserving a cup of pasta water before draining. Rinse the pasta if using gluten-free pasta.

In the same pot over low heat, toss the pasta and shaved zucchini with pesto with a tablespoon of pasta water until warm and creamy, adding additional pasta water as needed. To serve cold, rinse the pasta with cold water and toss everything together without heat.

Serve garnished with shaved parmesan, fresh basil, chopped roasted almonds, and pancetta (if using).

Alternatively, top with your favorite meat or vegetarian protein such as grilled chicken or shrimp, or white beans.

Notes

*To keep your basil extra green and from oxidizing, blanch the basil in the pasta water for 5 seconds then quickly shock it by placing in a bowl of ice water. Squeeze the water out of it then add it to the food processor.

Source: https://www.snixykitchen.com/zucchini-pesto-pasta-with-roasted-almonds/

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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silvershadow1398 · 5 years

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#13

Personal

1-How are you? Fine

2-Post a picture of yourself. No thanks

3-Do you ever wish you were someone else? YES

4-What is your entire name? I am not disclosing that

5-How old are you? 21

6-Age you get mistaken for: I always joke that it’s anywhere from 12-15, but realistically probably around 18

7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality: Pisces, and yes

8-What did you do on your last birthday? Absolutely nothing

9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday? Be a good captain of my dance group

10-What is your hair color? Black

11-Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, I have brown highlights

12-What is your eye color? Dark brown

13-If you could change your eye color, would you? Yes

14-Do you wear contacts/glasses? Yes

15-Your opinion about your body and how confortable you are with it: I don’t like my face, my body is ok other than being too short

16-Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you alter about your body? I wouldn’t actually do it but yes, and it would be rhinoplasty

17-Say 8 facts about your body: 5′1″, size 5-6 (US) shoe size, somewhat flexible from dance, strong/large thighs but chicken arms, reached my final height at age 12-13, nearsighted since age 8, I have external tibial torsion from ballet, very prone to insect bites

18-Do you have any tattoos? No

19-Do you have any piercings? Yes, two per earlobe

20-Left or right handed? Right

21-What’s your sexual orientation? Ace

22-Do you drink? I have, I don’t really like to

23-Do you smoke? No

24-Do you have any pets? No

25-Where do you work? Currently not employed

26-Something you are working on right now: Choreography for a dance next year

27-Do you have any “rules” about food? I’m very very very picky

28-Where are you from? Maine, US

29-What would you say is your best quality? I don’t tell secrets

30-What do you think you’re really good at? I’m a fairly good dancer, photographer, video editor

31-What do you think you’re really bad at? Actually putting effort into my work and studying, I really should be getting better grades than I get

32-What talent do you wish you’d been born with? More strength and flexibility for dance

33-Are you a bad person? I can be

34-Are you nice to everyone? Noooo

35-Say 3 facts about your personality: INFJ, I think you can figure out two others based on that

36-Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? I don’t believe so

37-What is your ideal bed? Why? At least a queen size

38-Did you wake up cranky? Today? No, I don’t think so

39-Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? No

40-What do you think about the most? How much I wish I was someone else

41-Share 2 habits: I twirl my hair and pull strands out that aren’t 100% straight, I grind my teeth

42-What you want to be when you “get older”? Idfk

43-What are your career goals? Idfk

44-What is your ideal career? To not need one lmao

45-Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No way

46-Do you replay things that have happened in your head? When do I not?

47-Have you ever had an imaginary friend? I don’t think so

48-Say 10 facts about your room: Currently in a dorm room bc I’m at college, boring af, white walls, not very decorated since I’m moving out soon, the door is not soundproof at all, Australian outlets, small but honestly not too cramped, no curtains, air conditioner, huge windows

49-Do you have any phobias? Spiders, heights in some situations, being alone in a public area

50-Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? No but I really should go...

51-Are you allergic to anything? If so, what? Not explicitly declared by an allergist, but insect bites

52-Ever broken any bones? No but I had my first sprain a month ago!

53-Ever come close to death? No

54-Things you like and dislike about yourself: I like my personality but I hate my appearance

55-A random fact about yourself: Excluding my adoption bc I don’t remember anything about it, studying abroad is the first time I have ever left North America

56-What are three things most people don’t know about you? I used to play a couple instruments when I was younger but not anymore, never been to Europe, I have a specific pillow that I always have to sleep with

57-An unknown fact about your life: Ok so I TECHNICALLY have two older step-siblings from my dad’s side, but I do not like them nor do I have a relationship with them so I just say I don’t have any

58-Share something about yourself others might think is weird: My music taste

59-Five weird things that you like: They’re pretty nerdy; wildlife, astronomy, psychology, geography, demographics

60-Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this? Yes I do, and no one sent me this I just found it

61-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Just a profile pic, I deleted all other pics I’ve ever posted

62-Describe yourself in one word/sentence: Socially uncomfortable INFJ who just wants to go to bed

63-A quote you try to live by: Idk

64-Leave me a compliment: Thanks for making this survey

*************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~Favorites

65-What is your favorite thing to do? Watch YouTube videos

66-What’s your favorite color? Blue

67-What’s your favorite band/singer? I don’t have one right now

68-What’s your favorite movie? I don’t like movies

69-What are your favorite books? I don’t read enough to know

70-What is your favorite quote and why? Idk

71-What is your favorite word? Idk

72-What is your least favorite word? Idk I have a lot

73-What is your favorite type of food? Pasta

74-You favorite ice cream? Vanilla

75-What’s your favorite animal? Emperor Penguin, koala in a close second

76-Dogs or cats? Dogs

77-Describe your favourite texture: Cotton

78-What is your favorite flower? Idk

79-What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex? Clean laundry lol, idk on the other sex

80-What is your favorite season? Tie between summer and fall

81-What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? (not in order) London UK, Paris France, Copenhagen Denmark, Auckland NZ, Perth Australia

82-What are four things you can’t live without and why? Laptop, phone, DSLR camera, headphones, all their chargers; I think you can guess why!!!!

83-Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? Idk

84-What’s your favorite television show? Idk I don’t really watch TV

85-Favorite place to shop at? The grocery store! Lol jk, idk

86-Say 2 facts about your favorite things: They’re all electronics?

*************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~Family, childhood and places

87-Say 4 facts about your parents: They’re technically my adoptive parents, 11 years apart in age, larger age gap to me than most parents to their kids, wealthy

88-Are you more like your mom or your dad? Mom

89-Do you have any siblings? See #57

90-Say 9 facts about your family: Technically my adoptive family, mom’s side is Italian and Irish, dad’s side is Norwegian and German, I have a zillion and 3 cousins on my mom’s side, I know literally no one on my dad’s side, one of my cousins on my mom’s side is my literal soulmate I love her so much, I’m pretty sure I’m the only adopted family member on both sides, 3 of 4 grandparents are still alive, I feel pretty disconnected from my family for the most part

91-What’s your relationship like with your family? See last fact in #90

92-Say 7 facts about your childhood: Jesus what’s with all these fact questions?; I had a good childhood for the most part, I was more outgoing as a kid than I am now, then again I had 0 mental illnesses as a kid lmfao, I had a nasty accident at age 5 that left me with my trademark “eye dimple”, I played a LOT of computer games, I moved at age 9, I miss my childhood

93-The best and the worst childhood memories: Best memory is playing outside with friends or my parents and being carefree, the worst memory is that I was quite a crybaby at times

94-Say 6 facts about your home town: I honestly have no idea

95-Are you going out of town soon? I’m currently out of town! Will be back in less than a month

96-Where would you like to live? The major city right next to my town is pretty nice

97-What would your dream house be like? DREAM house would be a mansion with a lot of cool stuff, but that’s not realistic so I’d like a nice apartment in a good area

98-Where would you go on your dream vacation? I guess you could say I’m currently on my dream vacation, Australia!

99-Where you want to be right now? Anywhere except the school I’m at

100-Top three places to visit: That I’ve been to? Ok so that would be Sydney Australia, Newport Beach California, Maui Hawaii

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~~~~~~~~~~Friends

101-Would you ever smile at a stranger? I have

102-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Girls

103-Who is someone you never tire of? Honestly not sure, I get sick of people very easily

104-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Pretty damn close to it when I’m with my mom and one friend, but I’ve never been 100% around anyone

105-Who is your most loyal friend? The friend noted above

106-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Not EVERYTHING, but my mom is pretty close

107-If your best friend died, what would you do? I’d be devastated

108-A reason you’ve lied to a friend: I didn’t want to hurt them, or I was so ashamed of the answer that they could NOT know

109-Have you ever felt replaced? Yes

110-Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s): I honestly don’t know if I have a best friend

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~~~~~~~~~~Relationships

111-The last person you hugged? A friend last week because it was her birthday

112-Who was your first kiss with? Some guy I went to high school with

113-Do you like kissing in public? I have never done that, but probably not

114-Have you ever kissed someone older than you? No

115-You have a preference for boys or girls? Technically ace, but boys

116-Is the male or female body closest to perfection? I’m more attracted to men

117-Do you believe in love at first sight? I think it could happen

118-Do you believe in soul mates? It’s possible

119-What is your idea of the perfect date? Idc as long as I’m spending time with the person

120-Based on past relationships or crushes, describe your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend: The only people I’ve ever actually fantasized about are YouTubers so...

121-What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Usually the way they present themselves (are they angry, happy, relaxed, easy going, etc.)

122-Are looks important in a relationship? Not the most important, but they help

123-What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? I don’t mind if someone has not had braces, but if their teeth are REALLY bad then that’s kind of a turn off

124-What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? I can’t go more than 10 years

125-Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Probably not

126-Five guys/girls whom you find attractive: Dan Howell, Phil Lester, Shayne Topp, Damien Haas, Tyler Scheid

127-Do you have a crush on anyone? No

128-A description of the girl/boy you like: I don’t like anyone

129-Say 1 fact about the person your like: I don’t like anyone

130-If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Cool...

131-When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Never done it

132-Do you think someone has feelings for you? Haha nope

133-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Haha nope

134-Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? No

135-Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? No

136-Anyone you’re giving up on? No

137-Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes

138-Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No

139-Have you ever liked one of your best friends? No

140-Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Lol nope

141-Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? No

142-Is there someone you will never forget? Probably the dude I kissed

143-Say five ways to win your heart: Be authentic/yourself, don’t hide things from me, accept that I’m not perfect and have bad days, accept that I need to be alone a lot, know that I will test whether I can trust you by talking about weird things

144-What turns you on? A really nice smile

145-What turns you off? If you come off as a douchebag or if you don’t look like you take care of yourself (poor taste in clothes, smell bad, etc.)

146-What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Go somewhere with me that I consider extremely nerdy or weird for most people

147-What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Idk

148-What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Idk

149-Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Have you had one written for you? No

150-What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Yesterday I gave some encouraging words to someone who’s been through a lot lately

151-Are you in love? No

152-Are you in a relationship? No

153-If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Don’t have one

154-Are relationships ever worth it? I think they can be

155-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No

156-Can you commit to one person? Yes

157-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes

158-Do you ever want to get married? I’m not forcing it but if I meet the right person then sure why not

159-Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I honestly have no idea, I can see myself as either

160-Future names of your children: I don’t have any bc I don’t want kids

161-Do you get jealous easily? Yes

162-The last time you felt jealous, and why? I’m usually jealous of someone who I believe is a better dancer than myself

163-What is your definition of cheating? Actively pursuing someone else

164-Have you ever been cheated on? No

165-Do you forgive betrayal? Never been betrayed, but my guess is no

166-Have you ever cheated on someone? No

167-Why did your last relationship fail? Never been in one

168-Things you want to say to an ex: I don’t have an ex

169-A description of the person you dislike the most: I have a lot of people I don’t like, I don’t think I can pick just one

170-If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I don’t have one

171-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Zero

172-How long was your longest relationship? Never had one

173-You’ll love me if… Idk

174-Share a relationship story: Don’t have one

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~~~~~~~~~~Music, movies and books

175-How often do you listen to music? All. The. Time.

176-What kind of music you like? All kinds except most rap and country

177-Do you like to dance? I fucking love it

178-What was the first concert/show you attended? I don’t remember

179-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Yes

180-Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past: Currently listening to Doctor’s In by Pond, which reminds me of a field trip I took about a month ago

181-A song that’s been stuck in your head: I don’t think I have one stuck in my head right now!

182-Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play: Remedy by Little Boots, Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North, Test Drive from How to Train Your Dragon, Fine. by Carah Faye, Run Run Run by Dragonette, Exogenesis Symphony Part 2 by Muse, Mr. Saxobeat by Alexandra Stan, Concerto in F from An American in Paris, Information Overload by Grabbitz and Pierce Fulton, When I’m Away by The Colourist

183-A book you want to read/have recently read: I haven’t read lately and can’t think of one that I want

184-Describe your dream library: Idk

185-Last movie you just watched: I don’t remember

186-Do you like watching what type of movies? I don’t really like movies but if I had to pick, documentaries

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~~~~~~~~~~Situations and crazy things

187-You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done? Not interested in tattoos, but if I had to pick it would probably have something to do with either wildlife or Australia

189-What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for? Internet stalking

190-If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be? Idk

191-You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to? My parents

192-If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? This is morbid, but I would be born as someone else

193-If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why? Idk

194-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? Sophomore year of college

195-You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy? Idk

196-If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like? Idk

197-What is the first curse word that comes to mind? Fuck

198-What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be… I went to a birthday party last week, idk when the next one will happen

199-Halloween costume idea? This coming Halloween I’m currently thinking of going as a koala

200-What are you supposed to be doing right now? Studying lol

201-Currently wanting to see anyone? Parents in a couple weeks!

202-Why you follow me? I don’t? I literally just found this survey somewhere

203-If you met me what would you do? Idk who you are

204-Leave me a ridiculous question: Who are you?

205-Leave me a cute message: Idk

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~~~~~~~~~~Opinions and beliefs

206-Is the cup half full or half empty for you right now? Empty rn

207-Do you believe in fate/destiny? Certain aspects, yes

208-What you wish for on 11:11? I don’t wish for anything

209-Do you consider yourself lucky? What’s your good luck charm? I do consider myself lucky at times, I don’t have one

210-Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? Yes

211-What is your religion, if any? Technically Christian (idk what type), though I don’t actively practice Christianity

212-Would you go against your moral code for money? No

213-What’s more important to you: strength of the body or strength of the mind? Mind

214-How important you think education is? Very important

215-If you were the president, what would you do? Get rid of capitalism

216-If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? Capitalism

217-Is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstantial? Idk

218-If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Celebrate (lmfao I know that’s crude but I have depression)

219-Which movie character do you most identify with and why? Idk

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~~~~~~~~Feelings and Others

220-Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? I am quite the procrastinator if I’m not interested in the task, otherwise I’ll do it ASAP

221-Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance: No thank you

222-Say 5 things you love unconditionally: Kind of running out of steam to answer this

223-What motivates you in life? I’m not gonna die anytime soon so I should do something useful (sorry that was also crude)

224-Something that you’re proud of: I’ve accomplished some good things

225-Five words/phrases that make you laugh: Dingus, dingleberry, twat, meme, dank

226-Share the story of something that makes you smile: Whenever I see a new YouTube video that I know I HAVE to watch

227-Something you always think “what if…” about: What if I wasn’t abandoned at birth and not adopted

228-What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that? Thought I’d enjoy seeing a show at the Sydney Opera House, then I fainted while on a tour of the venue so I can never go inside the building again (seeing it from outside is ok)

229-Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life: I MAJORLY MAJORLY offended someone (in Australia nonetheless) a couple months ago

230-Something/someone that you miss: My house

231-Are you over your past? Nope and I probably never will be

232-What is your saddest memory? Idk I’ve had a lot

233-One of the hardest moments in your life: Dealing with my parents when they’re acting like children

234-Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? YES

235-What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about? Idk

236-What was your most embarrassing moment? Falling into a split from slipping on stage during a rehearsal

237-Share one of your fears/insecurities: Very insecure about my appearance and being adopted

238-Something you’re currently worrying about: If I’m gonna pass my final exams

239-Have you done something you regret very much? Yes

240-If you could take something back that you said or did, what would it be? Idk I’ve done a lot that I regret

241-Does anyone hate you? Probably

242-Do you hate anyone? Yes

243-Are you good at hiding your feelings? For the most part yes, but I do have outbursts (that smack myself about later)

244-What’s something you hide about your personality? I fake being social enough that people don’t think I grew up sheltered

245-How do you approach social situations? See above

246-Are you a social or an antisocial person? Very antisocial

247-Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Very introverted

248-Do you care if people talk badly about you? Yes but I know I shouldn’t give a shit

249-How do you deal with criticism? I’ll rant to my mom, or just bottle up my feelings

250-How you hope your future will be like? I just hope I’ll be happier than I currently am

251-What’s something that scares you about the future? Idk wtf I want to do with myself

252-Five items you lust after: Electronics, enough said

253-One thing you’re excited for: My parents to come back to Australia so I can leave this shitty university and go traveling again

254-Describe the most terrifying/strangest/beautiful dream you’ve ever had: I’ve had dreams about giving birth, and I once had a dream that I was going to have sex but I woke up while I was in the middle of foreplay

255-Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Not fictional, but I have had crushes on celebs

256-Who is your celebrity crush? I’ve gone through a lot of people, but it’s currently Damien Haas

257-Make a confession: I need to study, help pls

#about me

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