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chironshorseass · 2 years

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there’s something that bothered me so much about leo valdez that i think i finally want to get off my chest. i just want to start by saying that he was definitely never my favorite character from hoo. he may have been (at least i really liked him during tlh) but there’s this thing that happens with mexican characters (also latam characters. but i’m specifying w leo here) that makes me wanna punch thru a wall. and it has been bugging me SO much, esp when i got into the fandom, and actually fuck this. i’m so used to latine characters being treated this way that i didn’t bat an eye, but im gonna come clean now.

so um. yeah…..ok. first and foremost the fact that he comes from an abusive family is so goddamn gross. i’m so tired. i really am. like why can’t there ever be a depiction of a latine character in a happy, supportive family? u know, the grand majority of mexican families would never call their nephew “devil child” after the mother died. the fuck. something very characteristic about mexican families is how they stick together. u ask me or anyone else what’s the most important thing in ur life and they’ll say family. lol. there r actual psychological studies of this; if rick actually did his research, or actually paid sensitivity readers to analyze and help in the process of developing all his characters that were part of a minority group hoo would’ve been veeery different, but i digress. the fact that r*ck tends to demonize women of color (grandma zhang, aunt rosa, marie levesque) is also another matter, but it plays into the reason as to why leo’s backstory is so fucking shitty, esp taken that all of the main latine characters in his books (reyna leo and alex) come from abusive families in which they are pushed away in such traumatizing ways??? yeah that helps our situation here a lot haha doesn’t it 😋

and it’s actually funny how rick didn’t bother at all w research lol bc then it translated into the fandom on an entire cringe level. cringe fest. festivities all around. where’s he from? yeah, mexico, but what state? michoacán? jalisco? yucatán? cdmx? where???? why is he so attached to his culture if he’s a fourth generation chicano? why does he talk in the world’s worst interpretation of spanglish? why WHY does he act like that????? why’d sammy end up in the us anyway?? that could actually be quite important in terms of family history so naturally alsoimportant to his character. ricarda really gave us the bare minimum AND a walking stereotype, which is so quirky omg omg i’m so glad i’m being represented here!!

so yeah, this goes to my third point: the way he acts. shut the fuck up about him being so obnoxiously flirty it starts to bother everyone. shut the fuck up about him being the misogynist of the group. rick writing him as the spicy latino bad boy supreme who is also cringe and adorable is so wrong on sooo many levels. and then fandom making that his entire personality. um. literally how do i explain that im scared of going outside. how do i explain that when i see a man looking at me and im about to get in my car i close the door and lock it fast. how do i explain that approximately ten women die in my country from gender-based violence each day. how do i explain that mexican culture is sexist as fuck as it is? and add that to the way the usa-american media portrays us? absolutely disgusting how we r constantly bombarded w sexualized versions of ourselves (of everyone btw. not just women). and also the fact that leo’s a minor who’s love interests are primarily immortal fucking goddesses? and taken that he’s the flirtiest and the more “risqué” of the seven, and taken that he’s a mexican boy, deeply traumatized, who apparently has a defense mechanism of cringe flirting who apparently says mamacita is…..no. an old white man wrote him like that. a gringo wrote him like that. and he’s a minor. and he calls his female friends, his gf or whatever, “mamacita”.

it’s actually so sad that he had so much going for him—how he cares deeply for his friends, how he tries his best even tho he expects failure, that he’s incredibly smart and may tell bad jokes bc he wants to see people smile but he’s not the best people person anyway—but still he was reduced to this “adhd mess” who says things in badly redacted spanish un ironically and who was paired off w a fucking goddess bc apparently that’s the way to solve things (the calypso thing is another can of worms). it’s sad that he will be remembered as this annoying prick, bc it’s true, he was annoying but i rly do think it came primarily form rick’s racism and lazy writing. like cmon leo as a character had so much potential i might cry!!! and it’s disappointing that a lot of the fandom fed off of the worst parts of it all anyway to create the nightmare that is fanon leo valdez. did i expect it? yes. was i ever surprised? no. i just really wanted to say this finally and i really wanted to address the general sense of the issue leo has going for him, so thx to anyone who read this monstrosity of a rant mwah.

#there’s actually so much wrong w leo’s character it’s almost laughable. n ee way #also i’m specifying w mexican culture bc i didn’t want to misinform by generalizing everything into just latin america #leo valdez #rick crit #mari’s ted talks #this is out of my system and now i’m going to bed

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oracleofmania · 3 years

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Tomie’s True Horror

A needed disclaimer that while arguing for the sympathy for Tomie and the general avocation to see the events of Tomie as a mentally ill woman harmed, it does not mean that NPD is a naturally abusive personality like all personality disorders it is merely a severe mental illness stemming from trauma, genetics, or a combination of the two that requires general society to accept and not constantly vilify and demonize these responses.

“Murdered again and again, one girl always comes back for more…” Reads the back cover of Junji Ito’s Tomie, the breakout manga that earned him an honorable mention at the Umezu Awards and started his career. You most likely have seen Tomie without realizing it, Hot Topic has a manga panel of her on a shirt, going on Pinterest shows various tattoos of the girl making intense eye contact with the character. She is an icon of Junji Ito’s fandom and one can argue a small pop culture icon in weeb-dom. Yet it feels like no one understands the true terror of Tomie: the terrors of societies treatment of women who are traumatized and the demonification of the woman’s trauma response.

To begin we must understand the vilified trauma we first must engage in armchair psychology. Because Tomie Kawakami is not a real human being she cannot go through rigorous psychiatric evaluations but with the complete collection of Tomie in hand, one can identify a few key symptoms that lead to a potential diagnosis of PTSD and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For the PTSD diagnosis we need to establish the initial stressor for PTSD symptoms to occur. One can consider the first iteration of Tomie starting in the first chapter aptly titled “Tomie” where she is a freshman in school and is brutally murdered by her classmates due to the teacher’s suggestion. The rest of the complete edition we see through her clones the life long symptoms that are associated with such an event occurring. She is hypervigilant, as demonstrated best in the “Photo” and “Mansion” Chapters where she is acutely aware and doggedly aggressive towards Tsukiko Izumisawa, having a complete breakdown due to a photo of her being passed around school and is acutely aware of her perception with the men in her life and her effect on women. This bleeds to her aggression with all the chapters of the story involving her resorting to violence as a first and last option. With Tsukiko she sends her goons to murder her, in “Waterfall Basin” she attacks and eats the men that enter into the pool, and so on. Another symptom is the risky or destructive behavior, constantly and consistently she orders men to kill certain iterations of her so she won’t have to deal with them, to put it bluntly she is engaging in severe self-harm on an absurd horror level. It also seems evident that she experiences cues that coincide with trauma, such as her aversion to photographs of her being taken; her dysfunctional relationships with others and general society. This concoction leads to the simple conclusion she has PTSD and is expressing it in a manner that is unhealthy and harmful to everyone. Furthermore, These symptoms coinciding with her general self-centered attitude that is extremely grandiose also meets the criteria of Narcissistic Personality disorder. With this concoction of mental health issues the world around Tomie is ready and willing to villify and harm the beautiful femme-fatale.

Throughout the series we see her become the victim of men and even a few women end up harming and killing her. Her existence drives men to madness due to her beauty and general existence. And readers are meant to be scared of her due to something she cannot control, she may use this to her advantage as demonstrated in “Gathering”, but she does not do it for anything sinister like replicate herself, she attacks herself often, she merely does it to… live a life of luxury. Nothing evil or vile, just something normal that a good portion of people want to do. The only difference between those people and her is the trauma and treatment for it. To reiterate, the first time readers are introduced to her is when she is murdered by her classmates for being promiscuous and having a relationship with her teacher, as a ninth grade teacher and a boy. While her cheating is not the best, she was in a naturally predatory relationship. It also needs to be stated that she does not get any real talks about her behavior and she is antagonized for her actions and is rewarded for her manipulation due to her horrifying ability to destroy men’s minds.

So how can you make a monster out of someone that only committed her actions in response to the world around her? Do we blame the children and women who experience mental health issues that stem from childhood abuse and domestic violence in Japan? The answer is sadly yes. Depending on the trauma response, we as a society demonize those with these severe trauma responses. People with personality disorders are constantly cast as the villains, as people that choose to not change, that willingly act the way that they do for their own selfish gain. While NPD is not as studied BPD a sister personality disorder in the same cluster, has tons of reports showing that even those who are supposed to help end up treating them less. For anecdotal evidence go on Reddit’s r/raisedraisedbyborderlines. r/Narcissisticabuse also shows the general reaction to those with the personality disorder. So if the world is out to get you and already casts you as the abuser. Then is it not just easier to become Tomie and get what you want through what means necessary?

Works used:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/box/part1_ch3.box16/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/

Takeo Fujiwara, Makiko Okuyama, Mayuko Izumi, Yukiko Osada,The impact of childhood abuse history and domestic violence on the mental health of women in Japan,Child Abuse & Neglect,Volume 34, Issue 4,2010,Pages 267-274,ISSN 0145-2134,https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2009.07.007.

(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213410000487)

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/4wqofo/unpopular_opinion_of_personality_disorders/ (Trigger Warning for this one)

https://www.mentalhealthtoday.co.uk/news/mental-health-diagnosis/bpd-stigma-is-most-common-crisis-trigger

https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/ (Trigger Warning)

https://stopthestigma.org/personality-disorders/

#Junji Ito #Tomie #tomie kawakami #npd #npd stigma #personality disorder #personality disorders #essay #essay writting #Junji Ito Tomie #Mental Health #PTSD #Academia #analysis #tw abuse #tw death #tigger warning #long post

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joneswuzhere · 3 years

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hello join me in thinking about some books and authors that are, or might be, part of s5′s intertextuality

5.10 in particular offered specific shout outs, and also u know i’m always wondering what might be ahead so i have some ideas on that:

- first, as mentioned in a previous ask post, i know i wasn’t alone in keeping an eye out for 5.10 parallels to the lost weekend (1945) the film that gave episode 1.10 its name and several themes - or to the 1944 book by charles r jackson which the film is based on

- s5 has not been shy about revisiting earlier seasons, especially s1. altho i feel that 1.10′s parallels to the lost weekend centered characters other than jughead (mostly betty), a 1.10-5.10 connection involving jughead and themes from jackson’s story (addiction, writers block, self reflection) seemed v possible if not inevitable

- but like,, , for a hot minute after the ep, i was really stumped on understanding how anything from the book or film could apply, even tho the pieces were almost all there

- jackson’s protagonist don birnam goes thru and comes out the other side of a harrowing days-long drinking binge that could be compared to jughead’s one-night hallucinogenic writing retreat

- but jughead is struggling primarily with traumatic memories, not addiction and self control like birnam. and tho drinking activates birnam’s creativity, it paralyzes his writing as he gets lost in fantasies; he’s never published anything. jughead’s drug trip recreates circumstances that already helped him write one successful book. even the rat that startles him mid-high doesn’t line up with birnam’s withdrawal vision of a dying mouse, symbolic of his horror at his own self-destruction thru alcohol

- and maybe the most visible discordance: in the film there’s a romantic motif around a typewriter. first it’s an object of shame; birnam’s failure to write, tied up with his drinking, makes him flee his relationship. he tries to pawn the typewriter for booze money and finally a gun when shooting himself feels easier than getting sober. but with the help of relentless encouragement from girlfriend helen, he quits drinking, commits to her, and focuses on typing out the story he’s dreamt of writing. rd goes so far to avoid setting any comparable scenario that jughead has brought a wholeass printer into the bunker so there can still be a physical manuscript to cover in blood by the end, even without his own typewriter. the subtle detail of his laptop bg image is a little less noticeable than his avoidance of betty’s gift

- tabitha might be closer to a parallel than jughead is, but she’s still no helen. both refuse to take advantage of the inebriated men in their care, but birnam takes advantage of helen, financially and emotionally. jughead refused a loan from the tate family and now has resolved to deal with his shit before he considers a relationship with tabitha. instead of helen’s relentless and unwelcomed attempts to get birnam sober, tabitha reluctantly agrees to help jughead trip safely bondage escape notwithstanding. she even helps him get the drugs.

- whatever potentials exist for parallels to jackson’s story, they were not explored for this episode. ok so why tf am i even talking about this? what was there instead?

- i have arrived at the point

- s5 has been revisiting s1, not directly but with a twist. and jughead’s agent samm pansky is back. u may recall, pansky is named for sam lansky

- jughead’s trip-thru-trauma is a story device tapped straight from lansky’s book ‘broken people’

- lansky is like if a millenial john rechy wrote extremely LA-flavored meta but just about himself no jk very like a modern successor to charles r jackson. both play with the boundary between memoir and fiction. lansky is gay; jackson wrote his lost weekend counterpart as closeted and remained closeted himself until only a few years before his death. both write with emotional clarity and self-scrutiny on the experiences of addiction, sobriety, and the surrounding issues of shame and self worth

- i feel like a fool bc after this ep i had been thinking about de quincey and his early writings on addiction (c.1800s), but i failed to carry the thought in the other direction, to contemporary writers in the genre, to make this connection sooner

- lansky’s second book, broken people, follows narrator ‘sam’, mid-20s, super depressed, hastled by his agent to write a decent follow-up to his first book, but too busy struggling with his self-worth and baggage from several past relationships. desperate, he takes up an offer to visit a new age shaman who promises to fix everything wrong with him in a matter of days. not to over simplify it but he literally spends a weekend doing psychedelics and hallucinating about his exes. jughead took note

- unless u want me to hurl myself into yet another dissertation about queer jughead, i think his parallel to sam - who, unlike jughead, has considerable financial privilege and whose anxieties center on body dysmorphia, hiv scares, and his own self-centeredness - pretty much ends there

- But,, the gist of the book could not be more harmonius with a major theme shared by the 2 films that inform the actual hallucination part of jughead’s bunker scene: mentally reframing past relationships to get closure + confronting trauma head-on in order to move forward

- so that’s neat. what other book and author stuff was in 5.10?

- stephen king and raymond carver get name dropped. i’m passingly familiar with them both but u bet i just skimmed their wiki bios in case anything relevant jumped out

- like jughead, carver was a student (later a lecturer) at the iowa writers workshop. also the son of an alcoholic and one himself

- i recall carver’s ‘what we talk about when we talk about love’ is what jughead was reading in 2.14 ‘the hills have eyes’ after he finds out about the first time betty kissed archie (at that time he does not respond as would any of carver’s characters)

- this collection of carver stories deals especially with infidelity, failings of communication, and the complexities and destructiveness of love. to unashamedly quote the resource that is course hero, ‘carver renders love as an experience that is inherently violent bc it produces psychic and emotional wounds.’ very fun to wonder about the significance of this collection within the s2 episode and in jughead’s thoughts. and maybe now in the context of the s5 state of relationships. or, at least, the state of jughead’s writing as seen by his agent

- anyway pansky doesn’t want carver, he wants stephen king

- i have too much to say about gerald’s game in 5.10, that’s getting its own post someday soon

- lol wait king’s wife is named tabitha uhhh king’s wiki reminded me of his childhood experience that possibly inspired his short story ‘the body’ (+1986 movie ‘stand by me’) when he ‘apparently witnessed one of his friends being struck and killed by a train tho he has no memory of the event’

- no mention of that in this rd episode but memories of a train could be interesting to consider with the imagery that intrudes on jughead’s hallucination. i still feel like it was a truck but the lights and sounds he experiences may be a train

- ok now we’re in the speculation part of today’s segment

- if jughead’s traumatic memory involves trains, then it’s possible this plot will take influence from la bête humaine <- this 1938 movie is based on the 1890 novel by french writer émile zola. this story deals with alcoholism and possessive jealousy in relationships, sometimes leading to murder. huh, kind of like carver. zola def comes down on the nature side of the nature-vs-nuture bad seed question (tho i should say he approaches this with great or maybe just v french compassion). also i can’t tell if this is me reaching but, something about la bête humaine reminds me of king’s ‘secret window’ which we’ve observed to be at least a style influence on jughead post time jump

- but wow a late-19th century french writer would be a random thing to drop into this season, right? then again zola also wrote about miners, which we’ve learned are an important part of this town’s history + whatever hiram is up to this time. and most notably, zola wrote ‘j’accuse...!’ an open letter in defense of a soldier falsely accused and unlawfully jailed for treason: alfred dreyfus. archie’s recent army trouble comes to mind.

- since the introduction of old man dreyfuss (plausibly Just a nod to close encounters actor richard dreyfuss, but also when is anything in this show Just one thing) i’ve been wondering if these little things could add up to a season-long reference to zola’s writings. but i had doubts and didn’t want to speak on it too soon bc, u know, it’s weird but is it weird enough for riverdale??

- however,,,

- (come on, u knew where i was going with this)

- a24′s film zola just came out. absolutely no relation to the french writer, it’s not based on a book but an insane and explicit twitter thread by aziah ‘zola’ wells about stripping and? human trafficking?? this feels ripe for rd even outside the potentials here for the lonely highway/missing girls plot.

- that would add up to a combination of homage that feels natural to this show

- anyway pls understand i’m just having fun speculating, most of this is based on nothing more concrete than the torturous mental tendril ras has hooked into my skull pls let go ras pls let go

#accompanying image has no meaningful organization it's just there to make me look insane. enjoy #riverdale speculation #filmref #but books #adhd has me like. this is Not the post i've been trying to write for weeks but my brain gave me no choice

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watchinglikeafangirl · 3 years

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Kiss Me Again - first reactions

Out of boredom, I started watching Kiss Me Again also because I've already watched Dark Blue Kiss. I saw many people saying both shows should be seen as two seperable things because some important details got lost on the way of making spin-off.

Let's see how much of a difference there actually is. From what I've heard, Pete is going to be very different. Anyway, here are my first reactions during the watching process:

Episode 1

Oh well, Pete is so different. He's a whole other person here. He's the typical cool guy who just wants to show off but at the same time, he's a bit socially awkward and I love it. This faked boredom and annoyment are only there because he doesn't know what to say when Kao is around and especially when they are alone because the atmosphere is just weird between them. Acting all annoyed is his way of socializing and I like it because I believve we all have weird tactics to try to lighten the mood or find a topic with peopl we don't know. Here, Pete is "annoyed" to look cool but I guess, he does this because he tries to find something they both can agree on and annoyment is the simpliest way. You can easily agree with people on negative emotions concearning a topic, so it's the easiest choice to pretend to be annoyed. What's funny here is that Kao is really not impressed by it and already knows Pete just wants to be cool. I think, Kao just doesn't like Pete in the beginning because he sees Pete is just pretending and is never true. I guess, that's why he will fall for him later, because they will probably have real talks and bonding moments.

Episode 2

Okay, Pete and Kao shared an awkward kiss and now things are even more weird. Here's one difference to the Pete I know from Dark Blue Kiss: he's not honest. Now, whenever Kao wants to address the kiss, Pete gets defensive and aggressive. Yes, it's probably because of his confusion but in Dark Blue Kiss, Pete always addresses everything - even the uncomfortable or negatively loaded topics - but not at this moment.

And also, I know, Pete is not the nicest person at this moment but he is really respectless. After the kiss, he stares into Kao's eyes in surprise, pulls away and then wipes his mouth in disgust more than once. As if Kao's lips and the taste of them are dirt on his lips and that's so disrespectful. Kao is obiously hurt by it and I would be too. Of course, you are allowed to not like a kiss but reacting so disgusted is very harsh.

Episode 3

And now, Pete is bullying Kao by isolating him from the group. He makes the others believe Kao doesn't like them, so he will end up being the king of the group since Kao is not the kind of person who talks about such things and just accepts the circumstances.

The scene between So and Sansuay in the parking lot was obviously not right bahavior on So's part because Sansuay was clearly uncomfortable being pressed against another car. She had no way out and I love the random dude walking by and just checking if she is okay. No romanticizing. Just a statement that this behavior is wrong.

Episode 4

Pete and Kao now claim to be "annoyed" of each other and all the other ones are still left wondering what the real problem is.

But at least, Pete confides to Sandee and confesses he only gets angry because of the kiss. I mean, we as the audience understand him better but I just find Sandee's frustration very amusing. Pete is obviously not realizing his feelings and is just helpless. Sandee is such a mood.

Until now, I really don't like R at all. He is pushing Sanwan around and invades her ersonal space all the time while saying he cares. Dude, if you care, don't force her, don't drag her into your car and especially don't kiss her when she doesn't want to.

Episode 5

Its just my speculation but I'm pretty sure Pete is bisexual because he has an ex-girlfriend (we know of) but seems to be attracted to both gender and he's not the kind of guy who falls for the personality or character of someone. The gender matters to him, I would say. But it's nice to see a bisexual character because mostly shows want to tell me that people are either homo- or heterosexual but there are obviously many other sexualities in between. Living in a gay relationship doesn't mean you define yourself as homosexual, real life doesn't work like that and I like they give us a character who is neither homo- or heterosexual.

What's going on with the men in that show? WHy are there so many red flags? Except for Kao, Mat and Sun, everybody pushes the women around and invades their personal space in a very uncomforting manner. Are they all going to "change"? I don't know if I will be able to believe them...

Episode 6

Mat's mother wants Sanson to "turn her son straight"? Okay, just gonna leave that there because I don't have words how wrong this thought is.

Oh, the scene which I saw many gifs of, happened. But I thought Pete and Kao would spend more time laying in the grass. I though this was a very romantic scene. But it's just a second long. But who cares, their relationship took a next step. They stop fighting and come to some sort of agreement (the agreement being that fighting is pointless). But somehow this scene feels like they broke the ice and finally found peace.

Episode 7

And again, a scene I've seen very often: the hospital. But it's really sweet they all went there because of Pete and wait all together until he can go home. That's real friendship and I think this show portrays their friend group really accurate because they are so natural with each other. They are a bunch of people thrown together who bond over weird fun talks at night and getting home drunk. Even though they are so different, they are loyal and trustworthy. It's heartwarming to see a group of friends be portrayed like this because mostly in shows, the protagonist has one really good friend and just a few people they know but are not very close to. but a group of friends is exactly this and it's rare on TV because showing a whole group bonding is difficult and also because they dynamic is totally different.

Episode 8

Kao (giving me the chills): Mint, even if he doesn't like you back, it doesn't mean you are not good enough. No matter how beautiful you are, no matter how good you try to be to him, if he's not into you, he's not the one for you.

I can't believe So gets away with stealing Sansuay's phone. She will never know it was him. I don't know what to think about him.

Epsiode 9

Sun flirting with Kao over coffee makes me cringe so much right now. This is uncomfortable and not as romantic as Sun may think it is. And then, Kao is scared Sun meant him, this is uncomforting to watch. Also, I really don't think Kao and Sun are a match. It doesn't fit at all and I hope it will be over soon.

What? Wayu wants to rape Sanwan? Did I miss something? How did we get here? I thought this was a warm show for teenagers. Now there's rape? I could deal with the sexual harassment even though that was not fine to watch, but rape? I'm confused how we got there? But of course, R saved her.

Not Mork casually cleaning his gun...

Episode 10

I love the fact Pete and Kao just quietly accept the fact they spend a night together. It happened and they can't change it. They don't even mention it and I'm relieved there's no "don't ever tell anybody" or something. It just happened and that's it. Nothing further to dicuss about it. Also, they made pretty clear already they have certain feelings for each other. The wuestio now is just how they are going to deal with this and if they will be in a relationship.

Kao: I will stop seeing other people when things between us become clearer.

Episode 11

I can't believe they actually address the bullying I mentioned before. Kao is very right when he says Pete needs to earn his trust because of the past. This is just right because you can't forget the past just because of romantic feelings. If you don't address the other person made you feel ad, you won't be able to move on from that and relationships are about trust, so I find this very mature and good for both of them. Pete needs to understand he hurt Kao in the past and can't just change his mind over night and Kao will say yes right away.

A planned engagement? Isn't that a bit old-fashioned? Sanwan and R don't know each other at all and why would their parents decide this for them. It doesn't look like it would be good for family's business or something. This seems so random.

And Wayu tries to rape Sanwan again? How? Why? And what is wrong with Sindee for initializing this? But of course, R saves her again.

Episode 12

Oh Mint. I always had mixed feelings about her and now i know for what reason. Is she fine? Making someone feel bad for leeting her go by threatening she would hurt herself is not healthy or normal or anything. That's a serious matter. No wonder, Pete feels like his life is messed up and is extremely stressed about it. And then, Mint woders why he's not comfortable at all and doens't see Pete just let her stay out of fear her threat might be the truth. Because he's a nice person. But Mint is just crazy and plays mind games.

I've never seen a drunk kiss be that cute and meaningful. They are just pure. Now, I really know why people love Pete and Kao so much. I already fell in love with their dynamic in Dark Blue Kiss but seeing the beginnings of their relationship tops that. This script is too good. They both know, the kiss meant a lot and I like they are way past the regretment state. Or at least, they don't regret the kiss. They regret they are not in a relationship which makes the atmosphere afterwards more sad and hurt. Again, they are so mature about this.

Mint took a picture? I can't with this woman.

Episode 13

Why did tehy not report Wayu? They are covering up a crime. And Sanwan doesn't seem to be traumatized which makes me wonder a lot. She is more than fine and I'm not buying Wanyu's apology at all.

And now Mint send the picture to Pete's dad. Does she have no shame? It's not her right to out Pete. That's a thing between Pete, his dad and Kao. Mint has and nothing to do with it and shouldn't have ever. She took Pete's power away by letting his dad now. Things were in Pete's hands and I hope Pete will tell mint very clearly she had no right to do that and her behavior is wrong.

Wow, Pat has guts. Telling your best friend you like them even though you know they don'yt like you is very brave. I love Mat being so cool with it because it's obviously a hard moment for Pat to outlive.

Episode 14

I love Pete's dad. They both were so scared but he doesn't say anything and I like what he says. He talks with them like they are adults (which they are) and doesn't talk to them like they are kids who don't know anything. They don't need to be lectured by their parents. They are adults already and make their own life decisions. I like very much he has this calm talk with them and then drops the topic.

Sanson being the first to confess fits very good because mAt is alway the wuieter one of them. This scene is so bittersweet and Sanson is so vulnerable, it hurts my heart. If it stays like this, then it would be a strong statement of the show because not everything works out in the end. You can try, you can ask, but in the end, maybe your efforts were all for nothing.

Finally, Pete calls Mint out. But he forgives her?... But at least, he doesn't want to be her friend any more.

Of corse we have happy endings all over the place.

#kiss me again #dark blue kiss #pete x kao #suddenly phupha and nam(atoats) are there #why doesn't prize just leave?#and what is boss (2gether) doing there?#can somebody please report him?#i still like rain #and mork #and i still don't like sun #but pete and kao are so pure #i can't

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chocafe · 4 years

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please, save my world — han seungwoo

summary: it’s always the same blood, the same dialogue, the same sensation and the same man telling seungwoo that the world is going to end in his horrifying nightmares. these recurring dreams leave seungwoo in a frantic state, constantly believing that the world is going to end, when in reality, it’s simpler than he may think. warnings: mention of blood, death of character, intentional lowercase genre: romance, angst, fantasy word count: 1.4k

“look at you, you’re covered in blood.” an unfamiliar emaciated man chuckles to himself as he watches the terrified seungwoo in absolute delight. “why are you shivering? i’m not going to lay a single finger on you.”

the unknown man’s voice is harsh and that’s enough for seungwoo to understand that he does not have the upper hand in this situation. “w-what do you want from me?” the uneasiness in seungwoo’s voice was inevitable. without a doubt, seungwoo wants to dash out and leave as soon as possible. however, he finds it quite difficult to do so as he’s surrounded by pure darkness, yet, the blood stain on his body is as luminous as it could ever be.

“silly boy, i don’t want anything from you.” his cold aura hits seungwoo and causes tiny goosebumps to rise from his skin. “i’m here to warn you that the world is ending today.”

in an instance, seungwoo finds himself laying in bed, gasping for air. his whole body feels as if a hypodermic of adrenaline has been emptied into his carotid. nothing makes sense, but seungwoo for sure knows that it was all just a dream, that feels too realistic. “shit, another nightmare.” he takes a long, deep breath, and then brings his fingers to his temples as he fights an oncoming headache.

for the past week, seungwoo has been having the same recurring nightmare. it’s always the same man, the same blood, the same dialogue and the same damn sensation that he experiences. the only thing different about each dream is the countdown, and now, the world is supposedly ending today and seungwoo has no idea what to do. what seungwoo does know is that he’s too helpless to sleep and to go through the same pain again.

“another nightmare?” you question your lover at three in the morning while making your way towards the opposite side of his bed. “is that why you called me over this late? gosh, you’re such a child since you always need me to sleep besides you.”

“i am not!” he fights in defense, but soon stuffs his face into his delicate pillow case. “well, maybe i am─ y/n, you don’t understand how terrifying these nightmares are.”

you notice how fragile seungwoo’s state was, so you decided to push all of your jokes aside. he needs you the most, so you will give him whatever he desires because that’s what lovers are intended to do, right? “i’m sorry for playing around.” you apologize, pulling him into a warm embrace as the two of you sat on top of the bed. “how many days are left until the world is allegedly ending?”

“today.” he sighs before continuing on. “the man says that the world is ending today.”

“what?” you tilt your head to the side, raising an eyebrow that says really? “seungwoo, take a second and look out the window. does it look like the world is ending?”

seungwoo takes a moment to examine the surroundings outside his window, even including the crescent moon and the twinkling stars. “no, everything seems about right.” he mumbles underneath his breath, arms still wrapped about your body because he doesn’t have the courage to let go.

“see! if everything seems about right then that means that the world isn’t going to end.” your lips curve into a genuine smile and seungwoo feels his heart immediately beat at the sight of your lovely presence. “your nightmare isn’t real, alright? that’s why they’re dreams after all, so loosen up a bit.”

instead of directly responding back, seungwoo takes a moment to sit in silence as his head falls within the crook of your neck. “i’m trying to, but i’m just so damn scared.” his voice resembles a lost little boy and you swear you could feel your heart break into a million pieces. seungwoo doesn’t deserve to live through this pain, let alone, sleep through it either.

“then let’s not sleep tonight.” your fingers caressed his hair as smooth as possible. “i’m here by your side. let’s just stay awake until the sun breaks into the sky, so you don’t have to go through that horrifying dream of yours.”

“really?” he springs his head back up and looks at you with quivering lips.

“han seungwoo, do you think i’m a liar?” you playfully express, breaking the harsh tension that was dispersed into the room.

“no!” seungwoo shakes his head in denial. “i don’t think you’re a liar ─ i think you’re the one for me. my lover. my world.” the two of you synchronizing laugh together by seungwoo’s cheesy comment, but you would be a liar if you said his words didn’t make you blush.

not knowing when it had all happened, you suddenly found your lips locked with seungwoo’s as you began to kiss him passionately. his touches were soft, but at the same time, it was also strong enough to send a feeling of warmth spiraling through your system.

seungwoo was too traumatized to close his eyes because he didn’t want to see the darkness once again. however, with the comfortness coming from your physical contact, it gave him the ability to let everything, including his troubles, go. by the time he shuts his eyes closed, he is introduced with colors formed by your fondness and there’s no darkness in sight.

the two of you proceeded to stay awake all night long with the moonlight shining through the cracks of the window curtain. staying awake wasn’t a problem. the only problem that was faced during that night was that the two of you couldn’t let each other go.

“are you sure you can go to work even though you didn’t get to sleep at all?” seungwoo questions you from outside your car window. “why don’t you call in sick? i feel bad that i forced you to stay awake with me.”

“hey, han seungwoo!” you yell out in light annoyance, resting your hands on the steering wheel. “you didn’t force me to stay awake. i did it purely out of─ how should i say it? love? i did it out of love!” a set of laughter falls out of your mouth like a natural waterfall. “i don’t need sleep, okay? i’m a strong person, you should know that.”

“oh yeah, i forgot how strong you are.” he peeks his head into your car. “that’s one reason why i fell in love with you.” seungwoo dives in and leaves a quick kiss on your forehead as he ruffles your hair right after. “call me when you arrive to work, so i know you made it there safely.”

“of course.” you flash your signature smile at seungwoo for the last time. “i always do!”

after saying your final goodbyes, you drive off into the distance as seungwoo watches you from the sidewalk. once his back faces the street, a giant crash is heard from the radius, following screeches of terror. seungwoo is almost frozen in shock from the sudden sound, but that doesn’t stop him from turning around to view the street.

it takes a millisecond for seungwoo’s heart to drop as he lays his eyes upon your shattered car. “y/n?” he whimpers, slowly walking towards the street of busy cars. “this isn’t real.” cars are constantly honking at him, but his ears blocks it all off because the only sound he could hear was his heart rapidly beating and the air he’s grasping for.

pedestrians are screaming.

seungwoo isn’t making a single sound.

glass is scattered everywhere.

blood. blood. blood.

it’s all over your car window.

“no.” seungwoo’s eyes widens and he doesn’t know where to look at. was he supposed to look at the other car who caused this mess? or was he meant to step away and just look at your destroyed car? he didn’t know, but he still found himself looking at your dead body through the smashed window. “y/n, please!” he couldn’t stop himself from pulling you out of the car and into his arms.

look at seungwoo, he’s covered in your blood.

tears streamed down seungwoo’s face as he screamed in agony while scarlet blood flowed out of your limp body like a river. he held you once more in his arms as he frantically trembled. never would seungwoo imagine that the last time he would hold you is when you’re already as dead as a dried flower. “please, just please, save my world.”

#sorry i reposted this bc the old post wasnt showing up in the tags :'(#seungwoo imagine #seungwoo scenario #x1 scenario #x1 imagine #victon imagine #victon scenario #seungwoo #han seungwoo #x1 #victon #seungwoo scenarios #seungwoo imagines #x1 scenarios #x1 imagines

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larosepompon · 6 years

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Carnelian Desire Taeten x Reader

Taeyong x Ten x Reader - Carnelian Desire (Vampire!au)

You were finishing up your shift at the morgue one Thursday evening, listening to music softly as you rifled through the last of the paperwork that was due for tomorrow. Autumn here had its rainy spells and today was no different - making for a fitting mood.

You loved your job, it was serene and allowed you to relax, the other people you worked with were like-minded and good people.

Often you'd get odd activity happening around the building, unexplained noises or movement, but it never really bothered you- it was just part of the job description.

The morgue was on an industrial estate with a few other medical facilities including a blood bank and a crematorium. Quite the morbid mixture for some.

"Did you want a coffee before you go, Y/N?" Your co-worker asked, heading out with his own mug to fill.

"Oh, no thanks I- ow, fuck" you curse as your filing gave you a shallow cut. Brows knitted together, you grab a tissue to mop up the red leaking from your thumb.

"They could use that next door!" He laughed, "did you hear that 20 donor bags went missing last night? This is the second time in a month, but it seems like it might be one of the staff - no alarms were sounded or anything."

This nugget of information intrigued you, was the person selling it on the black market? What on earth for? It seemed strange to you that someone would want to steal such a thing. Ideas and insane thoughts rushed through your head, thoughts of the supernatural - vampires or ghouls such as those you used to dream about when you were younger. Your mind reasoned soon enough that it was most likely the former. Someone out there was strapped for cash, needing a quick fix for one of their habits.

Your vision zoned in on the tissue, and the colour blossoming through as you blotted the small wound. "Were there any leads? It seems strange that someone would just take the supply..."

"None so far, seems like something out of a horror movie though, right?” he shrugged and walked into the kitchen to refill the coffee.

A few days after and the news your colleague parted with you, still played in the back of your mind. Setting the alarm of the morgue and locking the large gate, you were startled as a large crash reverberated off the buildings in the usually quiet surrounding.

You went towards the loud clatter, which sounded like someone had been thrown into a pile of crates. Trying not to draw attention to yourself, you halted at the corner of the warehouse, just peeking enough to see what the commotion was. Eyes widening as you saw someone held up by their throat by a man with neatly styled fiery hair, anger scrawled across his features. He had him in the air, against the wall – not a an easy (or possible) feat for someone of the redhead’s stature.

“We don’t appreciate little kittens snooping around” A sultry voice quietly murmured by the shell of your ear, as a frigid hand clamped over your mouth. Panicked, you tried to struggle away from the new presence, but they held you steadfast against their chest. “Hmm? Don’t you want to watch the rest of the show?” The stranger leant his head on your shoulder, as he manoeuvred you to get a better view.

The red-haired man spat with anger at the person he held up against the warehouse. “That’s the fucking last time I trust you. I warned you not to cross us, Lee. There’s not much a human like you could do against me. You dared to steal from us not once, but TWICE? You piece of shit.” He slammed him against the sheet metal of the building, making the man groan. You started to tremble slightly as your fear kicked in. Watching and not being able to do anything, you saw as he brought the man hastily to his mouth and took a large bite out of his neck. The blood pumping out of the wound almost looking black in the faint spot lights of the industrial estate. You saw him lap up some of the offending ooze before shoving his hand through the man’s chest, twisting and ripping his heart out. Your adrenaline only amplified the sounds coming from in the distance, hot tears spilling from your eyes as you couldn’t help but keep your gaze focused on the unlikely scene at hand. A moan sounded by your ear, as the person that held you captive nuzzled your cheek and crook of your neck. It made you shiver.

“You won’t think about running away will you, kitten? Now you’ve seen what happens to those who make Taeyong and I angry….” You screwed your eyes shut and shook your head as best as you could in this situation. As soon as you opened them, this ‘Taeyong’ was inches away from you, face and chin covered in scarlet, heavily panting from his fit of rage. “Ah, we had a little voyeur, so I made sure she enjoyed the show.” He laughed as Taeyong’s gaze bore into you. Chilling red eyes drew you in as the hand was slowly removed from your mouth. Your lips trembled as you continued to stand there, fearing that moving might put you in the same situation as the crumpled body a hundred yards away.

“Ten, you should have taken her away. She didn’t deserve to see that.” Taeyong took off his jacket and wiped his face and hands free of blood, save for the dried patches that still clung to his creamy skin. The familiar metallic smell reached your senses and brought you back to reality. Ten pouted and you turned slowly to finally look at him. The boy was shorter than Taeyong, with steely grey eyes and a coy smile. Along with their un-naturally good looks, you noticed their hair colours matched their irises.

“I thought it’d be exciting to make her watch though. You looked so hot back there.” You wanted to sit down and take all the events in, processing it through your mind slowly. Instead, the cogs whirred in your brain and you blurted out-

“How did you do that? That shouldn’t be possible...unless yo-” Ten glanced your way, nodding his head in your direction.

“Unless we’re not human? Well, aren’t you quick!” he laughed to himself as Taeyong placed a hand on your shoulder. You involuntarily flinched, understandable in this situation, but gave him your full attention.

“What’s your name, love? I realise we haven’t gotten off to a good start, but my friend and I would more than love to start again and make it up to you?” His thumb caressed your skin exposed on your collar as he posed the question. Something about those burgundy eyes of his drew you in, clouding your rational thoughts when you should have been running.

“It’s y/n…my name is y/n. Are you sure about this? I could just go…” your voice wavered, seeming smaller than a mouse. You felt as though you were away with the faeries. Delicate hands were planted at your waist as you heard Ten’s voice again at your ear.

“Oh, no, it’d be our pleasure…”

Unsure about how, you managed to return to the comfort of your own home in one piece that night, mind still a little hazy from your strange interaction with the two earlier on. The following day you got a call from an unsaved number, who you soon discovered was Taeyong, inviting you out to a very swanky bar lounge in the city “夢中夢” . He insisted you meet them so they could repay you for the ever-so-traumatic ordeal they made you witness. Told you not to worry about getting in as the doorman will be expecting you. You opted to dress up for the occasion, especially after seeing how well-presented the two were the previous night, you’d feel completely out of place if you turned up in casual clothes.

Smoothing down your black satin cocktail dress, you took a moment to admire your efforts in the bathroom mirror. Hair in a loose updo with soft ochre and umber eyeshadow, the soft glitter accentuating the small diamantes stitched into the chiffon of your sleeves. You spritzed some of your favourite perfume on your décolletage before collecting your evening bag by the door. Luckily your taxi didn’t take too long to arrive at your destination. And, true to their word, as soon as you stated your name, a waiter escorted you to a room overlooking the main floor of the lounge, where Taeyong and Ten were reclining, chatting to each other with a glass in their hands.

“Ah, y/n, you made it!” Ten’s smile was infectious as soon as he saw you, pearlescent…teeth glinting under the spot lights. “I have to apologise for yesterday, I didn’t mean to scare you so much, I only wanted to a little…” he trailed off as he went to stroke your hair gently. You returned his smile and he took your hand to lead you over to Taeyong, who stood as you neared. Pressing a kiss to your cheek, he slid one arm around your waist to guide you down to the couch with them. Underneath his expensive cologne, there was still that faint metallic scent that made you recall how dangerous the pair could be.

“Thank you for coming, y/n, you look absolutely delectable tonight. What may we get you to drink?” Taeyong had moved his arm around your shoulders and began to absentmindedly stroke just behind your earlobe while Ten sat on the other side of you, running his bony fingers down your forearm to your wrist. You weren’t really used to so much skinship and felt your face heating up to their touches.

You managed to stutter out “some r-red wine, please” through your flustered state. The waiter came and went, as did the time as your glass kept getting refilled and you giggled your way through conversation with the extroverted pair. What you didn’t notice, were the looks they constantly exchanged, or the fact that they had been nursing the same glass all evening…

When your glass was filled for the third time, instead of handing it to you, Ten took it upon himself to take a sip and catch you by surprise, clasping your chin in one hand and pressing an open-mouthed kiss to your lips. Letting out a quiet moan as you tasted the wine slipping down your throat, your eyes locked with the feline features of the silver-haired man. He sucked on your lower lip, nibbling lightly before running his tongue across it to clean off the excess liquid. Rose dusted your cheeks as you were pulled away from his hands, only to have your head turned gently by the chilled fingers of Taeyong. His expression was filled with lust as he brought his face to yours, brushing your noses before his plump lips jutted out to drag against yours slowly. Your breath came out shakily as you gazed at him with heavy-lidded eyes, heart beginning to race. When he kissed you, unrushed and sensually, tongue moist as it swept yours, you barely felt your dress being casually unzipped and cool pecks placed in its wake. The chiffon fell from your shoulders, much like the sighs from your mouth, Ten’s hands slipping around the front to unclasp your bra. His chilly touch welcome against your breasts, becoming pert and sensitive as he rolled your nipples between his thumb and forefinger.

“You sound so aroused, y/n, so alive…” Taeyong drawled out, voice resonating low in his chest. His thumb entered your mouth, pulling your jaw down and padding over your tongue. “I can feel your heartbeat in my throat, y/n. You don’t know how tempting you are, do you?” He licked his lips, glistening in the light, his burgundy eyes seeming to have a certain luminescence to them.

“Taeyong, please, can we take her? I can taste her through her skin.” Licking a wet stripe up your neck, you shivered, weakly holding onto their limbs where you could reach. Rubbing his nose to the back of your neck, Ten whispered “would you like that y/n? Would you like to know what that’s like? Being between us like this, warming us with your inner heat…We’ll make it worth your while…” His hands caressed your thighs and parted your legs as his fingers dipped to stroke the crevices either side of your womanhood. The two were driving you mad with how erotic they were. You were sure Ten’s words were more than correct, but you also had alarm bells going off in the back of your mind, slowly being muted by their saccharine words and chilled touches.

“Oh God, please, please let me know what that’s like” You felt like your head was spinning, sharp teeth grazing the nape of your neck followed by kittenish licks made with up-turned lips. Clothes were shed on all parts, littering the floor with rich jewel tones and ebony. You ran your hands down Taeyong’s torso, feeling the ridges of hard muscle under feather-soft skin. Sinking your fingers into his hair, you brought his mouth down to yours, the passionate embrace parting moments later with a string of saliva. The red-head moaned, and you craned your head backwards to reach for his smaller partner. Ten’s kisses were more eager, fierce as he explored your mouth. Soon enough you felt a mouth covering your chest, drawing in and sucking on the protruding flesh. Rolling your hips, you felt Ten’s erection, pressed in the line of your backside. Beginning to feel a little bold, you reached to wrap your fist around him, earning a groan from the male; Taeyong chuckling as his fingers slipped inside your heat. Your body jolted, surprised at the smooth way his appendages pumped in and out of you, curled to draw out every noise they could. Head leant back on Ten’s shoulder, Taeyong kissed up your throat, suckling at your pulse before groaning and grabbing the stony hair of the man behind you, their mouths colliding in a frenzy. His fingers became harsher, as you were held in place by the two, seeking relief from each other.

“I ...don’t think I can stand for much longer…” your voice sounded distant as you trembled with pleasure, arousal was thick in the air between you. Withdrawing his fingers, you watched as his tongue danced along them, cleaning off your cream. With each lick, his canines elongated slowly, the pillowy, pink muscle working between each digit. Ten lifted you into his arms with ease, much stronger than you initially thought he’d be, and set you down on a pile of floor pillows toward the back of the room. The music in the background provided a steady beat, bass echoing through the walls softly, as you heard a hushed voice count in various languages. The feline man crawled between your legs and pulled at your hips, bringing you flush with his mouth. Wasting no time, he set to work running the flat of his tongue against your folds, sighing at the taste of your wetness. You grappled at a pillow behind your head, as you felt your insides throb at his administrations. Licking your lips, your eyes met a very erect and proud Taeyong, who ran his fingers through your hair before gripping at it gently, guiding you to his already leaking member. As you took him in your mouth, you realised that it was the only part of him that resembled normal body temperature. He made your throat take him in long strokes, set with a steady pace as you endeavoured to please him as much as you could.

Ten’s tongue had gotten to further regions, using his slim fingers to stretch your puckered hole. You groaned around the man in your mouth, eyebrows knitting together at the sensation. Taeyong tightened his hold as he moaned, deep in his chest, before stroking your cheek to comfort you.

“Relax, little one, you’re going to need it” he smirked, abdomen twitching in excitement as he looked at you, wide-eyed around his cock. Ten laughed airily, dribbling onto his fingers to coax your body open.

“You taste so good already, kitten, I can’t wait to have all of you.” You all but screamed as Ten took you by surprise, sucking harshly on your clit. The little bundle of nerves causing your first orgasm of the evening to roll over you. “Oh dear, you’ve come already? I think that’s hardly fair on us, don’t you think?” His wicked smile making your insides stir.

Taeyong removed himself from your now swollen pout, urging you to climb onto his lap. Your head fell back, loose hair trailing down your spine as you sheathed his engorged member. He thrust up shallowly, as if testing the waters, to which you held onto his shoulders to steady yourself. He lay down and smoothed his hands over your back, holding you close, your behind beckoning Ten to take a similar position. As he slowly entered your ass, your whimpers were comforted by Taeyong’s whispers, kissing your temple and letting you know how good you were for them. Ten drooled a little more over your entrance for good measure, before slowly rocking himself into you over and over again. Once you were panting, the male beneath you combined his thrusts into the mix. Feeling full was an understatement - but they filled you in such a way that you felt so complete to have them both in you, moving inside your pink walls, warming their touch as promised.

“Mewl for us, kitten, let us know who pleases you.” Ten ground out, licking your ear before delivering a few particularly hard thrusts. You couldn’t stop the hiccupped moans of their names that erupted from your throat, not even recognising the voice as your own. When Taeyong started to thrust up with as much fervour, you felt drowned in their presence, bodies curling around you and more wet kisses shared between the three of you. Your head rested on Taeyong’s shoulder, brow lightly damp with sweat, before you cried out – Ten almost growling as his canines made through your skin like butter, earning grunts from Taeyong, following suit in the crook of your neck upon the sweet scent hitting him.

“oh fuck, don’t stop!” you whined, their thrusts and the suckling on your wounds making pleasure bloom inside you. You felt their thrusts become more erratic, as you pulled Taeyong from you and kissed his stained lips. He moaned and you licked into each other’s mouths, not caring for the red dripping down between the valley of your breasts. Ten sunk his teeth in further, before he came deep inside you. As his head came up quickly, your blood splashed onto Taeyong’s hair and face, to which he dove to mouth off before sharing more scarlet kisses. The shorter male parted from you, to which Taeyong took hold of your hips and bucked up a bruising pace – your cries and tears from the overwhelming sensation driving him toward his goal. He released against your cervix with a guttural shout. The feeling caused you to come again, the mixture of your juices seeping out from your abused holes. You felt so dizzy, but so blissfully satiated, as the two men took you into their arms and lapped at your wounds, littering warm kisses over your skin and knuckles, to the crown of your hair. Your eyes fluttered closed as they draped their limbs over you in their hold. When your breaths evened out, Taeyong reached over and stroked Ten’s hair lovingly, combing out dried blood for him.

“Should we keep her? She seemed to take it quite well…” Taeyong’s eyes widened at the man’s question, growing soft as he saw the mischief in the grey eyes and the pretty smile.

“Perhaps we should first ask once she’s awake.” He chuckled.

#taeten #taeyong #ten #NCT #NCT127 #nct imagines #nct scenario #nct fanfic #nct smut #taeyong smut #ten smut #vampire taeyong #vampire ten

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hellstate--rp-blog · 7 years

Photo

↪ b a s i c s ;

N A M E: Sarah Elisbeth Troyer A G E: 24 P L A C E O F O R I G I N: Lancaster, Pennsylvania G R O U P: Saddle Ridge Elementary O C C U P A T I O N: Trader F C: Alycia Debnam-Carey

❝ she longed to go alone far into the fields and hear the birds singing, the brooks tinkling and the wind rustling through the corn, as she had when a child. To smell things and touch things, warm earth and flowers and grasses and to stand and gaze where no one could see her, drinking it all in. ❞

↪ p e r s o n a l i t y ;

P O S I T I V E T R A I T S: resourceful ; determined N E G A T I V E T R A I T S: sad ; lost

↪ b i o g r a p h y ;

L I F E B E F O R E T H E O U T B R E A K:

Mary and Samuel Troyer originated from a long line of Old Order Amish who moved to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, when the settlement was still within the thirteen colonies. The ancestors were a resourceful bunch, having come from Europe where their people were killed and tortured for their beliefs, and the community flourished. Pride being in short supply here, going against their religious beliefs, their neighbors were treated equally just as those of today are. The Bishop of the second largest Amish settlement in the United States, Samuel Troyer met and married Mary the traditional way, courting her, keeping their relationship a secret, and then asking for her hand in marriage soon after. The wedding in November was customary of Amish tradition and the bride wore Navy Blue just as they were supposed to. It all went off without a hitch until it came time to start the trying of a new addition to their family.

Mary had problems with menstruation all her life, her husband none the wiser, something unknowingly passed down to her future daughter, and it wasn’t a surprise to her when she had trouble conceiving their baby through the natural way. Stillbirths were common, she suffered through two before they lost the next in a miscarriage, but their hearts wore thin with each passing one. The community mourned the loss, as was tradition for any death, and the babies were buried in a cemetery with a small marker for each of their names. When she fell pregnant again in the following year, the community all held their breath to see if this one would stick. Thankfully, Sarah Elisbeth Troyer was full of life and the bouncing baby girl helped mend the present grief of her parents.

The Bishops daughter grew strong, ruled in part by her determined nature but also the tradition of working hard all day in Amish culture, and the liveliness in which she presented herself turned cooler to the more unemotional views of her culture. She did her best to blend in, to seem uninterested in life outside the carefully strewn walls of their community, but her eyes would draw to the automobiles and the music devices that she often saw the outsiders wear. Curiosity set her apart from her peers, dangerous in such a community where everyone needed to remain the same, and when she finished school at fourteen, the need to learn didn’t stop there. Reading had always been a pastime of hers and she favored many subjects but Botany was an interest that never let up. The growth of something small planted into the ground to one day become something large and prosperous gave her a sense of hope that she too might grow to be something other than what was expected one day.

These abnormal thoughts of hers, the feeling of temptation seeping into her pores, needed to be snuffed out lest she finally give into her desires and run-off when Rumspringer came along. And it was with difficulty that she went out into the modern world with their amazing creations to not get swept up into their reality. But the guilt of leaving her parents, of being just another child gone, settled heavily onto her shoulders and she returned home to do as was expected of her. One such thing was to look for a suitable mate when she turned sixteen. The church was, of course, the proper place to do such things but the way her eyes drew to females was another unnatural occurrence, one she despised, and she fought with her abhorrent desires and focused instead on the first boy who shown interest in her. Jacob King was a nice boy, respectable and in good standing with their community, and Sarah didn’t see why she shouldn’t accept his courting advances when he finally worked up the courage to drive her home one night. They agreed to sleep in the same bed, clothes fully on as was custom of the tradition, and soon it was announced that they would be married the following November.

Whilst the fate of their marriage hung in the balance, Sarah focused more and more on her studies in Botany, something she kept hidden since they were not supposed to continue their education after fourteen. She made penicillin out of the molds grown from baked bread that her mother had thrown away, she studied soil samples and wrote notes on the anatomies of differing flowers, studied how to make poisons and ailments for common illnesses. The nature of her studies did not go unnoticed and soon she caught the eyes of her father who noticed her sneaking away to strange places after her chores were finished for the day. The reprimanding that she got was on the verge of a shunning and the possibility of that scared her back into her prominent standing with the community and she held strong, wedding preparations now the forefront of her mind as was expected.

L I F E D U R I N G T H E O U T B R E A K:

But the wedding never happened. And she was ashamed to admit that she couldn’t help but be thankful that it hadn’t. Jacob was lovely but she didn’t feel the way she should about him and the obligation of married life hung over her head like a dark cloud. What happened instead was much worse, however, and Sarah feels an abundance of guilt for being glad that it set her free. Amish didn’t use television or kept up with media outlets across the world but even they could see the panic in the outsider’s eyes as they had fled their homes and went to designated safe-zones. Not knowing what was going on, Sarah cursed their lack of technology not for the first time as the fear mounted upon her shoulders. And then they came.

Hordes of them through the trees and crops, growling and snarling and moaning, sending shivers down Sarah’s spine. Watching them devour the cows, chickens, and dogs, Sarah knew that the devils work was upon them as did everyone else in the community. Their numbers dwindled surprisingly fast as the Amish were not a fan of using any type of force and their food sources depleted quickly when they lost the animals. Milk dried up, eggs weren’t to be found, horses weren’t around to plow the fields, and the lack of technology was made apparent even as they stuck true to their religion.

Her mother died first. She’d been bitten by one of the infected and her father had been forced to chain her up in their shared bedroom upstairs. The growls and moans echoed through the home at all hours of the night and Sarah was at a loss as to what to do. The hospitals had been overrun, there was no available help from the outside even if the Amish community let them in, and her mother’s crying from upstairs drove her crazy most days. To get out of the house, she took to the corn fields with a trust axe for cutting wood as a weapon. She no longer shared the same sentiment of going unarmed for the sake of her religion, turning her back on that custom quickly at the sight of her cousins, aunts, uncles being eaten alive. It was out in the corn fields, traveling to her faithful Botany sight, that she killed her first infected. The squelch of brain of one of her family members was unlike anything she’d ever heard and she’d immediately vomited afterwards. She told herself that it couldn’t be helped but she didn’t travel far outside the home after that incident.

Feeding her mother leftover raw meat was left to her father and on one of these days the unforgivable happened. Her mother had somehow gotten loose and bit into the sinew of his neck, his scream had awoken Sarah from a noon napping session and she was up in time to see the carnage leftover from her feast. Traumatized by the sight, she shut the both of them in the room and ran back downstairs. Making the call to leave was easier after that but deciding how to get there was another thing entirely.

L I F E A F T E R T H E O U T B R E A K:

Learning to drive by oneself when they’ve only been in a car a handful of times isn’t a fun endeavor and Sarah had her fair share of wrecks trying to learn. Reading car manuals had replaced her studies in botany, though those books were kept in her bag when she left from place to place. Altogether, it took her a month to learn how to drive and after that it was much easier to get around. She had heard rumors of the safe-haven in Cheyenne and decided that there was nowhere else to really go. Sarah knew that banding together would be easier than staying separated forever, there was strength in numbers, but people had turned rabid themselves in the face of their demise. How she managed those days was anyone’s guess but her killing had gone from one to a significantly higher number as the infected and people turned against her.

The killing, the loss of her family and of the community that she had known forever, wore down on her and these days the pip in her step had all but vanished. She can make it on her own without little help from others but the comradery of people has been a fixture of her life since birth and loneliness is not a friend. She stays close to those she knows, keeps a protective watch over the littler ones, and hopes that one day the world will be a better place for those who are yet to be born. Her faith had wavered in the face of so much carnage, unavoidable questions nagging at her, but she tries to remain faithful to the Lord. It’s just hard when everything around you has fallen apart.

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