can money just fall out of the sky or something 😭

U N P L A N N E D, part fourteen

It was the same place you met up with Jeff. A cozy corner was open when you arrived, you grabbed a seat and ordered a latte. Two minutes, five, then ten. 

Maybe he wouldn’t show up, make an excuse like so many times before and leave you wondering why people changed their minds. 

But eventually he did, a small smile on his face and an awkward stumble when he realized he didn’t know how to greet you. A hug? A handshake? “Hi--Y/N,” an awkward pause. You did that weird thing, stood a bit when he showed up, as if some form of physical touch was a necessary greeting. But it wasn’t. Instead, you sat back down quickly, folded your arms over your chest and prayed that your bouncing knees wouldn’t shake the table.

“You look great,” he sat down in the seat opposite of you, a white button down had you believing he’d be off to another meeting after this, one without blood ties and maybe it’d be less awkward.

A forced smile seemed to provide a mixed signal in your brain, one that short-circuited the tears and instead left a throbbing in your temples. “Hi, thanks--uh--it’s good to see you.” 

He looked older--certainly his hair was grayer and his eyes had wrinkles on the sides. A decade had worn into him, but he wore the same watch around his wrist that you remembered from long ago. A leather strap, a blue face. 

He settled into the seat, let out a breath and looked down at his hands. “I know this is overdue.”

You let your hands tighten around the mug, unsure if he was going anywhere with his statement. 

“I don’t--uh, I don’t know how you’re handling all of this right now, but, I imagine you’ve got to be exhausted. There’s a lot going on, for you, I guess. I’m glad you were free today.”

A nod, now, you let your eyes trail up to meet his. “Yeah,” you laughed uncomfortably, “saying I’ve been busy is probably the understatement of the century.”

He let out a bit of a chuckle, one that let a flame of nostalgia flicker inside of you. Did you hate him? Could you hate him? No. Could you be mad and think he was a dick and wish that so many things in your life had been different? Of course.

He sat across from you, somehow a stranger and your father at the same time.

“When are you due?”

“January 9th.”

“And you’re healthy? The baby is healthy?”

“Jane,” you said it with confidence. She had a name, she had a penchant for kicking you in the ribs when Harry wasn’t around to feel it and she suddenly made you the biggest fan of hot fudge sundaes. “We’re both good, yeah.”

“I’m sorry it’s been so long,” he spit it out like it’d set his tongue on fire if he didn’t. “I know I haven’t been around as much as I could.”

You clenched your jaw, waited to see if he’d offer something better than that: a better reason for the last ten years of absence.

“I’d been wanting to reach out to you for a bit, and then you emailed me, which hasn’t happened,” he trailed off as if you could infer the last part of his thought.

And maybe you could, you had a feeling he was implying that you hadn’t made the effort either in the last ten years. You ignored the birthday cards, the Christmas gifts or texts for special occasions, stopped telling him about graduations and stopped answering the phone when he’d call every few months. You finally figured out that he couldn’t hurt you if you didn’t give him the chance.

So, sure, you’d written him off a long time ago, and maybe he deserved it, but his words left a sudden weight on your shoulders about the reciprocity that relationships warrant.

But your relationship with your daughter would be different, and her relationship with her father would be, too, right? There’d be no parallels in your life and hers except for the fact that she had a father who traveled for work. Hopefully.

“I thought that you’d find something out on the news eventually,” you admitted. “I didn’t know if you’d care, but--figured I’d get out ahead of it.”

He avoided your gaze for a second, the look on his face let you know your words had stung, but you didn’t feel too bad about it. “Is he--are things alright between the two of you?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, waving a hand as if his question was misplaced. “We’re not together, though. But that’s fine, we’re--we’re making it work.”

“And he’s a good person?”

You nodded quickly, wondering if it’d be too mean to say better than you. Or even why do you care?

But you bit your tongue because you didn’t like being the topic of conversation, and the uncertain state of things between you and Harry wasn’t any more comfortable to discuss. 

“How’s Brenda?” You asked suddenly. “That’s her name, right?”

“She’d good,” he nodded. “Kids are good. Callie’s twenty and Kyle’s twenty-two now.” 

You hadn’t heard their names in a while. They’d always trailed behind his and Brenda’s on birthday cards, as if they had anything to do with the fifty dollar bill he’d shoved in an envelope. 

“And work is good?” He shifted the focus back to you, his eyes were curious when he watched you shift in your seat. 

“Yeah--I, uh, I did get a promotion, but I gave it up. It’s kind of too much right now.”

His face fell. “You gave it up? Why?”

“I’ve got a lot going on,” you said it again, suddenly more defensive than before. “I’ve got a baby due in a month and I’m…” you trailed off, unsure how to answer his question or why he had any sort of opinion.

“Yeah, no,” he leaned back in his chair. “I didn’t mean--you know what’s best.”

You nodded, quiet for a second, reaching to take a sip of the latte you’d almost downed before he arrived. “Why did you want to see me?”

His lips parted at that, the elephant in the coffee shop that maybe he assumed you’d never bring up. 

“I--I just thought that,” he sighed, a big one that deflated his chest when he looked around the room. “I know I wasn’t good at being in touch when you were younger and I know I was too busy and we didn’t see each other enough, but when you were older you didn’t reply to my emails or answer the phone, so--I just--I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to force you to have a relationship with me.”

Maybe it was the hormones, or maybe you hadn’t actually expected him to give an honest answer, but your eyes welled with water and you tried to blink it away. He hadn’t really answered your question, but he kept going.

“I worked way too much when you were little and I moved and that’s on me, but--” he trailed off, the woman at the table beside you closed her laptop and stood to leave. 

“But what?”

“I didn’t know how to have a relationship with you when it seemed like you didn’t want one, Y/N. And when I found out that you were pregnant I figured I should get over myself and make more of an effort, even if you resisted.”

You nodded, unsure if you believed him but hoping it was true. “I guess I always felt like I was second choice,” a shrug, the words seemed to tumble out without much fear. “So I didn’t want to just be the daughter holding you back from a new and shiny life.”

He thought on that for a second, let his hands rest on the table and took a breath. “Things between your mom and I were not good in the end and most of that was because of me.”

You fought the urge to agree. Your mother was always careful to not talk badly about your father, but she’d certainly let a few things slip as you’d gotten older. Forgotten birthdays, a few too many drinks.

“But I let my fear take over and that cost me a good chunk of time with you.”

Quiet for a second, shuffling from the tables beside you, but your world stood still. Words you never thought you’d hear, an admission you thought would never come.

You sighed, “I was too angry to talk to you for a long time because I felt like you just left us behind without a second thought.”

He leaned forward, another nod let you know he wanted you to continue. 

“And I was nervous to tell you about the baby and I was scared to see you today.” Saying it out loud made your heart pick up speed, tiny beads of sweat on your forehead felt like drops of dew on morning grass. But saying it out loud felt like the relief of a pool on a sticky summer day. 

“I’m glad you came, and I’m glad you told me. Maybe we can, I don’t know, try to be in touch more.”

The fear that lit up in your chest when he said it was real. Tingly and sharp and tight. It felt like he was asking you to be hurt, asking you to step into something blindly knowing that it might lead to more pain. 

But what if it didn’t? What if the unknown wasn’t as scary as you’d always told yourself it would be? What if no amount of planning and prepping and knowing could promise a life free from pain or heartbreak or sorrow?

You nodded slightly, looked up at him, and took a metaphorical leap of faith. “Yeah, maybe we could.”

**

Harry was sitting on the floor of his bedroom when you got home that day: a suitcase between his legs and clothes in a pile on the bed. He looked up when he heard your footsteps on the stairs so you slowed to a pause in the doorway, offered a smile. 

“Hi, hey, how’d it go?” His eyes were eager, concern etched in his brow. “Did he show up?”

You knew it pained him to not be there. You knew, for whatever reason, that he felt protective and that watching you back out of the quiet driveway in your prius that morning was maybe one of the hardest things he’d done in weeks. 

“He did,” you nodded, leaned against the doorframe. “He showed up and it was--it was fine, I guess.”

“Fine? Was he nice? Did he ask about Jane?”

“He was fine,” you said it again, afraid that recounting the specific details would bring too many tears. You had cried the whole way home, not in sadness or in pain--just in contemplation. What did it mean? How had everything in your life shifted so much in nine quick months? “He was nice, I guess. He asked about a lot and I told him things are fine.”

He nodded, hesitance in his eyes when he watched you for a second. “Okay.”

He wasn’t pushing like he used to. He tiptoed around big topics and he backed off with ease when you seemed to flinch under his gaze. You hadn’t meant to instill fear in him, but somehow, saying you needed space made him think you were more fragile than ever. 

Maybe you were--maybe he was picking up on something you weren’t. 

“M’glad it went well,” he pursed his lips, his mouth was a flat line when he turned back to the clothed he’d strewn about the room. 

So you left him alone, headed down the hall to the room that had become yours. Hidden towards the back of the house, enough space that lined the long hallways and settled like dust on the hardwood floor. An oriental rug and a potted plant in the corner that you dumped half drank water bottles into at the end of the day made you feel like a stranger in the house that might never feel like home. 

You pulled clothes out from your closet and tried to determine which pants would still fit before you’d head to meet Lexi for lunch. I have an easy day, she’d told you. Come to set and I’ll sneak off for a while. 

But the tears came again when the pants were too snug. Your shoes hurt and your shirt felt like it clung to every square inch of your skin, a suffocating reminder of all the changes to come. A knock had you turning around quickly, half dressed to find Harry with his head poking through the crack in the door, eyebrows arched. 

“Sorry--I--I just wanted to make sure you remembered I’ll be gone before you wake up tomorrow.”

You tugged the shirt over your body fully, embarrassed to be caught in a whirlwind of emotion. You wiped at your eyes and nodded. “Yeah, I do--I remember.”

“Are you alright?”

You nodded, felt your nostrils flare in the lie and looked over at him. He raised his eyebrows again, challenging your words with a single look. 

“I’m huge,” you said it quietly, fearful that enough volume would make it hurt more. “I’m so uncomfortable in everything I wear and my body feels so fucking weird all the time.”

He was frozen, blinking and unsure. He nudged the door open and it bounced against the wall when he took a small step forward. “You’re not huge,” he said, a shake of his head made strands of his hair fall loose over his forehead. “You’re nine months pregnant.”

“What if my body never goes back to how it was, though?”

He shrugged his shoulders, the look on his face let you know that the thought hadn’t really crossed his mind before. “Probably won’t.”

“That’s not helpful,” you sat on the bed and let out another silent sob. He came a bit closer, a quiet laugh from his lips when he bent down on a knee in front of you. 

“I don’t mean it like that,” he clarified. “I just mean that your body is changing right now because you’re growing our daughter--not because you did something wrong. And they change,” another shrug. “Bodies change all the time.”

You nodded, knowing he was right but still struggling to believe it. 

“I think you’re beautiful,” he spoke more quietly now, almost a whisper in the guest bedroom that felt remarkably un-homey. “I think you’ll always be beautiful, even as your body changes through life.”

You let out a laugh, wiped more tears but looked down at him. “Did you read some guide on what to say to pregnant women?”

The corner of his mouth pulled up into a smirk. “S’called The Expectant Father,” he blushed a bit, dropped your gaze and cleared his throat. “Quite good, actually.”

Maybe he caught the way you looked at him, thought it freaked you out or made you upset. He stood and backed away, over towards the door to keep the formulaic amount of space between you. 

“I know we’re not together,” he said. “But I want to be supportive--I know you’re the one doing the heavy lifting, so the least I can do is read a book or two.”

You nodded, and the sinking feeling in your stomach at his words wasn’t lost on you. He dipped out the door to return to packing and you flopped back on the bed, certain that nothing in your closet fit and that the hormones had finally gotten the best of you.

And he was right, he slipped out the door in the morning quietly, but you still heard it latch into place and you heard the car that hummed outside to bring him to the airport. You kept your eyes closed and wondered how it was possible that you already missed him, alone in clean sheets. 

Sometimes you’d dream about it all, a blurry scene of Dr. Weston’s office, the pool outback and your old room at Lexi’s. You’d wake up and be sure it wasn’t real, like the last eight months had been a figment of your imagination, but your tummy made it hard to roll over and stare at the ceiling in uncertainty.

It wasn’t a bad dream, just a surprising one. One that had so much emotion bubbling your chest about Jane and about Harry and about everything else in between that you’d wake up in a cold sweat and sneak downstairs to put your sheets in the wash before he woke up. 

But lonely nights turned into lonely days while he was gone, you’d climb the stairs and settle into bed: his, but you’d never tell him. You’d use his pillow and plug your phone into the charger he’d left behind, soaking up the pieces of him without witness. 

And on the last night, the curiosity had grown. It got the best of you eventually, when you were home alone after work for three days straight, going through work emails at the kitchen counter, take out containers beside you and stacks of CDs still in eyesight. 

Were you allowed to listen to it before it came out? He hadn’t said not to. He didn’t offer it or say you should. But he left you alone in his house with hundreds of CDs, all of them now signed and boxed up for Jeffrey to pick up the next morning. 

You pushed away from the counter and padded over to the table, picking one up from a box before turning it over in your hands. You’d seen the photo, he’d shown you one afternoon. The tracklist on the back had been scribbled on a piece of paper on his desk for months. You’d seen it in the summer when you brought him dinner late one night while he was working.

But it was rearranged, now. A different order, two tracks at the top of the printed list had previously been near the bottom. The song that had originally been last was now the penultimate track. One was new, something you hadn’t read before. The final track.

Is that what he’d meant when he said it looked different than it had back in the spring? Was the added song at the end of the record the one he’d mentioned months earlier, here in the kitchen with a smile?

S’just one song, I can play it for you.

You pulled the case open, tugged the pamphlet from the front cover and flipped towards the back. Photos in the studio, of him, song titles, then, finally, you found what you were looking for.

Sure, pieces felt familiar, maybe certain words or images seemed to align. But you didn’t know. You weren’t him. Towards the bottom, at the end, etched in ink on paper that’d be distributed to thousands of people was the lyrical confirmation. We’ll be alright. 

You looked over your shoulder, desperate to hear the way he sang it, desperate to know if this was the one song he’d told you about. The one about you.

So you rushed over to the computer he had in his office, thankful that it had a slit in the side for the CD in your hands. You popped it in and waited for a new screen to pop up. Skip, skip, skip. You’d listen to the rest, eventually, one day. But for now, you needed to know if your gut was right.

When the name of the song came up on the screen in tiny letters, a guitar track started, an instrumental opening before he went on to air his feelings. Suddenly, the phrase he’d been saying all this time settled into place, right between his fears and his sorrows, and apparently, his assuredness.

Put a price on emotion, I'm looking for something to buy.

**

Glenne was seated on the floor of Harry’s office, barefoot on top of the carpet in flared jeans. Lexi sat in the desk chair that he spent a lot of late nights in with her eyes closed.

You had your arms folded over your chest as the same song played over the speakers. You’d listened to the others, alone in the office with the heating pad on your back. 

But now, the next morning, you watched as Lexi’s eyebrows arched. You’d played a few others, the ones that were certainly not about you. The ones about Camille and the ones that had you curious. 

You felt guilty, like you were sitting here with your two best friends listening to someone’s diary, their inner thoughts or internal monologue that wasn't meant for your ears. But somehow, it was meant for everyone else’s--all of the people who’d listen in their bedrooms and in their cars to pieces of a life that you now were a part of. When the music stopped, Glenne looked up at you. 

“Huh.”

“Huh?” Lexi looked down at her. “That’s all you have to say?”

“Well, I don’t know--I’ve heard some pieces of things throughout the process, but, I don’t know,” she trailed off, a tinge of pink on her cheeks.

“Do you think that’s the one about me?”

She let out a sigh, looked around the room. “Do you want to know the answer or do you want me to not tell you?”

“You know?” Lexi said, her voice even more high pitched than before. 

Glenne kept her eyes on you and didn’t respond to Lexi’s question. “Yeah,” you nodded. “I want to know.”

“Don’t tell him I told you,” she said. 

“Okay!”

Quiet. Lexi leaned forward and made a face at Glenne. “Fucking spit it out!”

“It is!” Glenne leaned away from Lexi and scrunched her nose, bringing her gaze back to you. “He wrote it like--I don’t know, over the summer maybe? I found out that he wrote something about you the same time I found out you were moving in here.”

The air in the room didn’t change. A December breeze rustled the tree outside the window, but somehow, knowing that Harry had written a song about you didn’t send a shiver up your spine and it didn’t send you into cardiac arrest. 

Instead, you nodded slowly, processing the words in the final track. 

“How’s it feel to be his muse?” Lexi teased, a smirk on her face when she swiveled around to face you. 

“I’m not his muse,” you shook your head. “Camille is.”

They were quiet at that, unsure how to reply to your indisputable claim. After a second, Glenne sighed, “it was a while ago.”

Lexi nodded in agreement. 

“He loved her, though,” you let out a small laugh, a defeated one. If you hadn’t known before how important she was to him, you did now. Hearing the songs and piecing together tiny glimpses of their relationship left you feeling like an imposter. How could you sleep in this house? Kiss him or hug him as if his heart wasn’t still tied to hers?

Glenne decided to challenge you. “He’s in a different place now.”

You bit your lip, looked outside the window and hoped that the rain would pass before your baby shower tomorrow and the album release. “I know, it’s fine. I mean, him and I shouldn’t be together, so.”

“Are you sure about that?”

The question from Glenne made you snap back into the room. “Am I sure about that?” You repeated the question to make sure you’d heard her correctly. When she nodded, you laughed sarcastically. “I mean, I don’t know, Glenne--you’re one of the people who’ve been warning me about how terrible this whole thing could be.”

She shrunk at that, a guilty look on her face. “Maybe I was wrong.”

It wasn’t what you wanted to hear. Not right now, not with four weeks left until Jane and until everything in your life shape shifted into something unrecognizable. Not after not after you watched scenes of his past romance play out before your own eyes and ears. And certainly you finally put enough space between you to assure that he couldn’t hurt you.

But somehow, when Glenne said that, you realized that sometimes no amount of space could keep you safe. Maybe he’d be able to hurt you no matter how much space you forced in the middle. Maybe that’s what love is. 

So when he came home that night and told you about the turbulence on his flight, you didn’t tell him you’d listened. You didn’t tell him you had heard the lyrics and you didn’t tell him that now a lot more things made sense. 

You didn’t say it because Jeff was there, Glenne and Lexi were too. A few friends from his band lingered in the living room even though it was late. An hour until it hit streaming services, then thirty minutes. 

The moment that had hovered overhead, in the future, approaching with certainty this entire time. Aside from Jane, Harry’s album was the only other constant, the only other thing that everything and everyone had been moving towards and expecting.

He toasted at midnight, much more tame than you expected. Jeff pulled it up on his phone and played a few songs over the speakers. Eventually they filed out, promises of see you tomorrow for the show floated up towards the stars when he waved them goodbye from the front door. 

Another night of climbing stairs, and when you slipped into slumber by yourself, you wondered if he could smell you on his pillowcase. 

**

You woke up on the 13th of December with a buzzing in your chest, voices already floated up the stairs, he’d warned you that it’d be a busy day.

His mom was there, Jeff took a phone call by the front door but offered an excited wave when he saw you--this time you put a bra on first.

“Morning,” you said, pulling Harry’s attention in your direction. He sat at the island, his mom by his side when he spooned cereal into his mouth. 

“Morning,” he said. “How’d you sleep?”

“Good--nice to see you,” you came over and offered his mom a hug, she wrapped her arms around you but was careful to give your belly space. 

“How do you feel? Ready for the shower today?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” you admitted. 

Glenne and Lexi swore today would be the perfect day for it. Everyone was already in the same place for the release, the show at The Forum is the perfect nightcap, Lexi said. Your mom would drive down and be there for the whole day, Anne and Gemma were already in town and same with Harry’s gran and a few family friends. 

So before you knew it, Lexi showed up and rushed you towards the bathroom upstairs. Harry was pulled off in a thousand different directions, but he stood in the doorway and watched as Lexi brushed some eye shadow underneath your brow.

 “I hope you have fun today,” he said, “but--you’ve got the address for The Forum, right? Do you need me to remind you how to get your pass once you get there?”

“Don’t worry about me,” you reassured. “I’ve got Glenne Christiaansen to keep me on schedule and get me from place to place.”

“Every once in a while we get so lucky and that stick up her ass comes in handy,” Lexi laughed. 

“Fair,” Harry smirked, letting his eyes wash over you once more. “Well--I’ll talk to you, yeah? Before tonight?”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “Maybe you can stop by the shower if you have time just to say hi?”

“I told Jeffrey I’d like to, but--we’ll see how everything goes. I’ve got to go over to his place now.”

“Okay.”

Lexi made a face at you in the mirror, her silent observation that things between you and Harry were awkward and uncertain. 

“Lexi,” he looked up at her. “Don’t let Y/N rip all of her hair out today.”

“Okay,” she laughed. “I’m on it.”

He disappeared after he flashed another smile, footsteps down the stairs when she smiled at your reflection. 

**

Glenne had jumped at the opportunity to host your shower. She was the only person in your life that you trusted to find napkins, cupcakes, food platters, tablecloths, and plenty of baby themed decorations in the exact same shade of pink. She spent weeks texting you pictures of things she ordered off the internet and found in party boutiques throughout Los Angeles. 

So now, you sat in Lexi’s Tesla in a parking lot ten minutes away. You need to be fashionably late, she’d said. Let everyone show up first and have a mimosa. 

By the time you walked into Glenne’s house, which was filled with familiar faces, you felt only a little less terrified about the attention that would try to suffocate you. Maybe it was difficult to admit that this was your life now: derailed and sidetracked and messier than you could have imagined. 

Anne wrapped her arms around you and introduced you to his cousins, an aunt and an uncle who’d flown out a few days prior. Smiles and congratulations when your mom raised a glass of champagne in your honor, but you had to hide in the bathroom to fight back tears when she said she’d never been more proud of you. 

It almost felt like you’d woken up here, coming out of a fog for the last eight months, foolishly believing that things would never come to fruition or that you’d made it through this unscathed. And on top of it, the slow realization that nothing would make it better except for him had you blotting tears off of your cheeks when someone knocked on the door. 

“One second,” you said it quickly, grabbed another tissue and blinked a few times to dispose of the evidence.

“It’s me,” Glenne was quiet, she nudged the door open and smiled, shutting it behind her when she frowned at you. “What’s up? You’ve been hiding in here for a while.”

You tried to laugh it off, guilt in your veins for hiding in the host’s bathroom. “Nothing, I’m alright. Just a lot of emotion lately.”

“Makes sense,” she shrugged. “More hormones than ever, probably. And you know, love will do that to you.”

You didn’t reply to that, unsure of what she wanted you to say or admit. 

“He just got here with Jeff, they had a little bit of time before he needs to get to The Forum I guess.”

“He’s here?” It immediately made your insides twist, excited and nauseous simultaneously. But you didn’t expect it to bring more tears. When it did, Glenne handed you another tissue but then slipped out of the bathroom, “stay here,” she said. 

You were there by yourself for a second, looked down at the yellow dress that splayed out over your tummy. You reached down and let a hand rub over it, maybe things would be easier when she was here, the opposite of what you’d convinced yourself in some ways. 

“Hey,” Harry’s voice was somewhat concerned, his eyes narrowed when he stepped inside. He shut the door behind him, just like Glenne. “What’s wrong? Glenne said you’re crumbling,” he let out a small laugh but smiled when you rolled your eyes.

“I’m not crumbling. I’m fine.”

“You look a little stressed,” he challenged.

“I don’t know, I’m alright,” you told him. “There are a lot of people out there. My family is annoying and it’s just a big day.”

“It is a big day,” he said. “Your cousin Carrie told me she’s single within the first three minutes I talked to her.”

“Great,” you said sarcastically. “I shouldn’t have even had one of these.”

“A shower?”

You nodded.

“Every mom needs a shower.”

You shrugged, paralyzed by all of the things that threatened to spill out of your mouth if you opened it. You’d asked for space and gotten it, but sleeping in different beds didn’t make anything easier. You heard the song and cried in the kitchen that night, wondering how he’d gone from a stranger to someone you felt comforted by.

“We might want to go back out there, though--Lexi already probably thinks we’re having sex in here.”

You laughed at that, looked up at him and smiled a bit. “Thanks for not making me feel stupid.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Cause sometimes I can be.”

He bit his lip, but he didn’t ask what you meant. Maybe he knew it was a small confession that your actions were questionable at best, but he patted you on the shoulder and then led you back to the party.

The anxiety got worse when you followed Jeff into a green room in Inglewood, the laminated piece of plastic around your neck had your name in big letters on it, but it didn’t make you feel any less out of place. Harry draped an arm around your shoulders when he introduced you to other friends, recoiled quickly as if he’d forgotten about the things you’d said over the last month.

There were snacks and drinks and an entire room that seemed to be dedicated to the people who’d come to support him. Your mom laughed when his dad told a story about the time Harry begged for guitar lessons, you smiled when his sister took a selfie sandwiched between you and Glenne. 

Having everyone together felt like something that should bring you peace, but instead, it highlighted the ways that your relationship with Harry was far from anything either of you had experienced before. Brought together by one night, but now your lives were weeds on a sidewalk that tangled together.

Eventually you were ushered out to a roped off area with the rest of the gang after the lights had dimmed and the screams had picked up, silently wishing that people would be too focused on him to notice the roundness of your body. 

It felt like a formal appearance, more confirmation that this was real and you were real and the photo he’d shared on instagram a few months back wasn’t fake or photoshopped or anything of the sort. So when you noticed glances and heard your name being called by a section of people behind you, Jeff’s advice was to smile and wave. 

You watched his mom wipe tears from her face after the first song and you settled into the fact that maybe this would be your life. Maybe smiling and waving was something you could get used to. 

Harry was in his element, it was easy to tell. It only took a few songs before you were sure that he’d be doing this for a long time, and maybe you wouldn’t mind tagging along with a toddler who’d bop and sway to the music. 

You let him wrap his arms around you at the end of the night, happy to shower him with praise and congratulations, proud of the show he’d put on. It took a while before he turned to you in the green room again, “ready to head home?”

A pang of guilt in your chest: would he be heading to another party if it weren’t for you, for the squash-sized human inside of you? He must have seen the look cross your face, heard the hesitation in your voice when you asked, “are you sure?”

“Positive,” he nodded. “We can head out.”

You wondered what people though, the two of you saying goodbye at the same time, like a couple but not. Everything about your relationship seemed to fall under that category: like a couple, but not.

Not when it made it too messy, not when he loved someone before you. Not when the anxiety was woven through your ribcage as a reminder that this would have never happened without a faulty condom and few drinks. 

You found your purse and hugged them all goodbye, thankful for the peace and quiet of the backseat of a black SUV heading for the hills.

He leaned against the seat, slumped but with a smile on his face. “You really liked the show?”

“It was fantastic,” you admitted with a smirk. “Way better than I expected.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah--didn’t know what to expect really. First time seeing you do anything other than play the piano in the living room.”

“I know,” he nodded, his eyes wide in the dark of the car. “Was nervous during the first few songs.”

“Why?” You asked, surprised by his confession. “You looked like you were having the time of your life.”

“I was nervous because I knew you were there! Didn’t know if you’d think I was a freak for dancing around the way I do.”

You giggled, “I mean, I didn’t say you weren’t a freak.”

“True,” he laughed, resting his head on the back of the seat again. His eyes closed for a second.

“Ooh,” you shifted suddenly in the seat. “I think she’s moving,” you reached for his hand, pulled it close to you and held it over your stomach, desperate at this point for him to feel what everyone else already had. 

She gave a good kick, one that made his eyes go wide. “That’s her? That’s what she’s been doing?”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “At all hours of the night, too.”

“Do it again,” he said, his words directed down at your belly. When she did, he looked up at him, lips curled into a small smile. 

“It’s kind of terrifying,” you said with a nod. “A few more weeks and she’ll be doing that out here.”

He pulled his hand away from you, let out a sigh and then looked over at you again. “We’ll be alright, love, I promise.” He echoed the last words from the last song when you nodded, ears still ringing from the music of the night. 

**

You were happy to escape to Santa Paula for Christmas, but happier to come home a few days later and stop by Glenne and Jeff’s. They had Tupperware containers from his mom, Christmas dinner on repeat for a few nights when you decided to crash in a guest room on their second floor. 

Harry’s house was too quiet, too empty for such a long time by yourself. 

He’d call every few days, text to tell you what he was up to and report on the press he did before the holiday. Another show in London, some radio gigs and interviews seemed to keep Jeff busy on calls in the other room. 

Lexi thought it was crazy that you hadn’t exchanged Christmas gifts with him, her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. “You didn’t let him shower you in presents? You’ve done some crazy shit this year but, I dunno, this has gotta take the cake.”

Glenne reached over to the coffee table in Harry’s living room and smiled. “I mean, she’s not paying rent in this house that they both live in.”

“He owns it!” Lexi’s laugh echoed off the high ceilings, she held up her wine glass when Glenne offered a refill. “He’s not making mortgage payments or some shit for this place.” 

She couldn’t argue with that. She leaned back on the couch after she set the bottle down and raised her glass in the air. “Well--it’s only nine thirty, but this is the best New Year’s Eve I’d had in a while.”

“Thanks for hanging out with me,” you smiled, lifting your feet to the coffee table. You lifted your arms above your head to stretch--the tension in your back had been building all day. 

They’d promised you for weeks it’d be a quiet night. Wine, a movie, take out--the type of girls night you had before everything changes. They both agreed that it felt like the most appealing way to ring in 2020. You agreed, sans wine. 

“Ow, shit,” you leaned forward suddenly, a sharp pain in your back pulled your feet back to the hardwood floor. 

“What?” Glenne’s smiled disappeared from her face. 

“Nothing--just, I don’t know, back ache.”

“Is it happening?” Lexi’s voice was deep, nervous and excited all at once. She wiggled her eyebrows when you rolled your eyes.

“What? No. No--I’m just,” you adjusted on the couch. “I’m sore today. My back’s been hurting. It’s fine now, I’m fine.”

They both watched you for a second, but it happened again when Glenne sipped her wine.

“Ow, fuck,” you said, rubbing the spot near your hip. “I’ll just walk it out, that normally helps.”

So you stood from the couch and headed over the kitchen counter. They both stood but stayed where they were, eyes trailing you from behind the couch.

“Are you having contractions?” Glenne’s arms crossed over her chest, her tone was suspicious.

“I don’t think so, it just feels like a back ache. And she’s not due for another week and a half.”

“Babies come early,” Lexi said it like you were stupid, her mouth pressed into a thin line. 

You sat on a stool and let out a breath. “I’m aware.”

But the problem wasn’t that Jane might be early, the problem was that Harry was a twelve hour flight away. As if she could read your mind, Glenne tilted her head to the side.

“Should I call Harry?”

“No,” you shut her up quickly, a raised hand in her direction to ask for quiet. 

You rolled your neck, leaned forward towards the granite to try to release some of the pressure from your lower back muscles. It happened again, you tensed on the stool but didn’t say anything, Glenne came over and put a hand on your shoulder. 

She was more serious now: “what is going on?”

“I don’t know, but I’m fine. There’s no pattern either--Doctor Weston said they’re supposed to be a few minutes apart if they’re contractions.”

“What is gonna help you with the pain?”

“I don’t know, Glenne, okay?”

“Well fixing your posture might help,” She said this as if it was obvious, one hand on your lower back to push forward and one on your shoulder to pull back.

“Dude,” Lexi groaned, coming over from the sofa. “We get it, you did ballet. You’re not a doctor.”

“I’m just trying to help!” She defended. “Unlike you, sitting here doing nothing.”

“Oh do not even start with me,” Lexi reached forward and flicked Glenne right in the nipple when she got closer to you both. 

“Ouch, Jesus!” Glenne swatted Lexi’s hand away, reached behind your back to try and flick her in retaliation.

“Can you both not right now?! I’m a little too busy to break up your stupid fight!”

Glenne made a face at Lexi and then turned back to you, an apologetic smile. “Do you need a heating pad--advil? Maybe we can just call the doctor and see what she says to do.”

“I’m probably fine. Maybe the heating pad will help.”

“Uh, booboo,” Lexi looked down at the stool, her eyes wide. “I love you, but either you’re peeing or your water broke.”

You looked down, horror when you saw that the stool was dripping and your sweatpants were now a darker gray. “Oh my god--my fucking water broke, is that what that is?!”

“Oh my god! What do we do?” Glenne freaked out, her hands waved in the air and she looked between you and Lexi. “Do we call an ambulance?”

“No!” You shouted, “we drive!”

“Okay, okay, the keys, car keys, we need those,” Glenne looked around the kitchen and talked to herself when her hands fluttered in the air.

“Do you have a hospital bag?” Lexi was much calmer, her eyes demanded an answer.

“Upstairs--the farthest guest room--my room,” you corrected, the slip went unnoticed by both of them when Lexi bounded up the stairs. Glenne grabbed her purse on the counter, then headed to grab your phone from it’s charger in the living room. 

“I’m calling Harry,” she said, her voice still frantic and pressured.

“Okay, yeah, that’d be good,” you thought aloud. You got off the stool and found a dish towel, wiped up the fluid that had leaked out of you. “I need a change of pants!” You yelled up to Lexi. 

“Got it,” she yelled back, her voice echoing from upstairs. 

“He’s not answering,” Glenne said, her voice suddenly raising a whole octave after the beep. “Hey, Harry--It’s Glenne, Y/N’s water broke, so, uh, you need to get your ass back to the United States as fast as fucking possible. Please call me, please listen to this. Okay--I’ll try Jeff. Bye.”

“Fucking Christ,” she looked up at you. “Get in my car!”

“Don’t yell at me!” You snapped back, a hand on your back, still trying to ease the pain. 

“Here,” Lexi tossed a pair of sweatpants at you, the duffle bag you’d packed with Harry a week earlier was slung over her shoulder. You caught them and stared at her, wide eyes, unsure of what to do. “Change! Now!” She ordered.

So you stripped right there in front of them, left the previous pair on the floor in the middle of the room. You apologized to Glenne for getting amniotic fluid on the backseat of her Tesla when you pulled out of the driveway. She told you to shut up and blew three red lights on the way there.

The more you cried in pain, the faster she drove.

It was a rush through the waiting room, plunked down in a wheelchair like you saw in the movies when Glenne finally got a hold of him. He’s on his way, she promised, he’ll get here. Lexi brushed your hair out of your face, tears in your eyes when you bent over the bed, give me anything that will make it not hurt so much. 

The late night moon gave the otherwise sterile room a soft glow, you paced the floor as if the sound of your feet would distract from his absence--his stupid smirk and his annoying jokes would have made it feel less terrifying. Three centimeters, then four. 

Lexi called your mom and she promised she’d come in the morning, the New Year’s Eve celebrations were muted on the TV, Lexi pulled a pair of 2020 glasses from her purse and shoved them on her face at midnight. 

You slept a bit after a nurse slid an IV into your arm, the beeping of your heart a steady reminder of the seconds ticking by. Jeff confirmed he was on a plane an hour into the New Year, he paced outside the door and looked guilty whenever he popped his head inside. Six centimeters, but the early morning sun seeped through the windows before he landed.

Your mom came with donuts for everyone, the smell made you sick. Ice chips only, too nauseous for more than a few. Relief came around seven centimeters, a little while longer, but you needed an epidural by eight when your whole body felt like it was on fire. You wished someone had told you that it would only numb the physical pain, did they make something to calm nerves like these? The nurses smiled and promised you’d be okay, as if they knew that this wasn’t how this moment was supposed to be. 

Anyone else would have a husband, a wife, someone to tell them it’d be alright and that they weren’t completely alone, even if it felt that way. Lexi did her best, a hand on your back when you cried and reassuring words. He’ll be here. He’s on his way--he’ll be here, you’re okay. 

The door pushed open at nine centimeters, his eyes were wide and apologies fell out of his mouth before he pressed a kiss to your forehead--he took the soonest flight out, Jeff was waiting at the airport. Lexi stepped back, her hand in yours was replaced, and somehow, he didn’t need any direction. 

When the squeezing was only thirty seconds apart he leaned closer to you and grabbed your hand. You’re okay, you can do this, I’m right here. Doctor Weston came in and smiled, the nurse asked who you wanted in the room, but her words were almost lost in the sound of another contraction. 

Just him, you said, muffled through pain and emotion, but you swore your mom smiled before she kissed your cheek and left. 

So you stayed like that, Harry’s cheek nearly pressed against yours as his fingers wrapped around your thigh. Doctor Weston counted down from ten, breaths in between. A cool towel on your forehead half way through. Tears on your face the whole time, sad and happy and nervous and afraid. 

She cried and cried when her lungs filled with air, but she wasn’t the only one. Your face was wet when she hit your chest, as if the emotions that had been tied up inside you were suddenly released, a thousand balloons towards the sky or a wave crashing on the beach. 

She’s perfect, you said, she looks like you. 

He tried to blink away the tears, buried his head in your shoulder. She looks like both of us, he said, his voice a tiny whisper in the room, as if speaking too loud might break her. Thank you. 

He climbed into the bed beside you when they returned her, wrapped in a blanket as soft as her skin. His arms around you and yours around her. He kissed your shoulder, said her name over and over, melodic and sweet. 

Something about his presence by your side felt comforting, a different type of safe than you’d ever felt. He brushed hair out of your face and smiled down at you, a kiss to your lips when the nurse finally took her away. 

Sleep, she said, you’ll need it.

table of contents | talk to me + join the tag list

tag list: @stepping-into-the-light @thurhomish @afterstylesmadeit @iconicharry  @harryspirate @mellamolayla @harryinsweatersandbandanas @stylesfantasy @clorenafila @mell-love @anssu-amry @yelllowgrass @littlesoldierelleora @styles217 @rachkon @c-h-e-r-r-y-y @myhat  @rosegoldbel @passionate-dreamerr @grammyforstyles @haute-romance-quotidienne @dontgiveupthedayjob @ursamajor603 @craic-head-horan @heavenspidey @talk-british-2-me-britbritharry @blackxxmagicc @winter-soldier-007 @ssllbb @wanderlustiing @jdcharliewhiskey  @caritocp @kaybee87 @wildbeee @hsunflowervol @harrys-medicines @tobe-sogolden @theresnooneheretosave @1d-tommo5 @soullikestyles @mrsfstyles  @you-youneverdo @fstopsteph @cock-a-doodely-doo @s-u-t @mleestiles @rubytersteege @heartsandwheels @rainbowparadiseharry @ainatirb-j @sing-me-a-song-harry @g0bl1nqueen @mmithharold @harrymfingstyless @yourpolaroid07 @zarrysfineline  @pinkpolaroidgirl @staceystoleyourheart @kind-heart @galsingold @adams-tammy72  @ednaofearth @neverland-city @zna0000 @mythoughtsvsreality @damnigotadime @stylesfics-xx @goldenncherrybombb @splendidsunsetsx @guccicreature @niallsfoolsgold @sunnflowerchild @lanallaa @harrys-stan @kialawley7274 @odetostep @wastedsweetcreature @rainbowbutterflyboy @live-at-the-forum @ajayque @goldenngracee @youredeadrong @indaydreamswithme @amaridon @icedsoylattes @cronias13 @sltwins @rbforsmileycal @tobesosunflower @noxiousacilegna @svnflowrv6 @flagitiume @splamilton @sloanferg @szaghata @girlgotattitude448 @ji5hine @strawberrrypie @stay-lovely @pwettyyharry @hufflepuff-always-and-forever @swooningoverstyles @golden-asoab @svnflowervol-6 @twinswallows @kammy67 @bookwormandtea @peter-prkr @harrys-suits @kiwicherryharry @harriedstylus @harbear77 @tpwkxxkiwis @theresalotof0spaceoutthere @allthenicekids @harrys-watermelons

Ducktales Final Four: Beaks in the Shell! or JESUS WEPT!

This.. this is a big occasion for me. It’s a return to regular Ducktales coverage.. but it’s also the first episode of the LAST four of the series. It was thanks to Ducktales my blog got a following, first through in character chat things, then through my reviews of this very season. It was starting this last year that took my blog from something I was passionate abbout but did ocassionaly to a vital part of my being and my source of income via one lucky boy who just wont’ let me stop! I kid of course, I thank kev for it, though i’d gladly welcome any other review comissions from you fine folks and fit them into the schedule. There’s a page on my blog for how and if your on mobile you can simply send me an ask or submit to ask about comissiong an episode or episodes of an animated shwo you like and i’ll give you my prices and what not. But it’s thanks to these Kev started comissioning in the first place and thanks to you all clicking on these reviews every week I do them that kept me doing them early on. So I wanted to thank you all. 

Covering the last four episodes is really bittersweet for me. It’s not the end for ducks here: I have most of seasons 1 and 2 to cover, and will be covering a lot of season 1 next month so I can properly cover shadow war for my Lena retrospective, not to mention continuing to cover life and times when I have the space, various birthdays, including Carl Barks Next Month!, and so on and so on. But this is not only the first show I covered on a weekly basis but it’s the first show i’ve covered like that to end. To put it in perspective, Loud House won’t be leaving until it WANTS to and even then nick will probably prepare a second spinoff to follow it up in some form, Amphibia has both the rest of season 2 to go, starting next month!, and a third season renewal meaning while that probably WILL be it i’ll have had two full seasons to cover by the time it’s over, and I went into Close Enough FULLY expecting it not to make it past season 1 as it’s long and harried production cycle lead me to belivie Time-Warner was just going to dump it on HBO Max and be done with it.. and to my utter and everlasting delight the opposite has happened: It didn’t just get renewed but it’s become one of HBO Max’s most popular shows, the flagship of it’s adult animation lineup, and been given THREE more seasons, two of which are coming very soon, and likely will get as many as it wants for the forseable future. 

The point is.. I went into covering Ducktales expecting at least one more season and genuinely not knowing if i’d make it thorugh covering this one, and once this started to really work out for me, to the point from doubting i’d EVER be able to set up a Patreon to having one that nets me ten dollars a month, feel free to contribute if you enjoy these reviews even a buck a month helps, honest. Plus thanks to that ten bucks a month i’ll be covering the five part 87 Ducktales pilot in April and if you get it up to ten i’ll cover super ducktales. But I wouldn’t even had one without these reviews giving me something to start with, and I figured they’d be around for a few more years, at least one more season. I didn’t think the show would just.. end with this season and while the season IS a proper final season of the show, wrapping up arcs, introducing long overdue cast additions, giving us the biggest and best overarching plot thus far.. a good final season dosen’t make it hurt any less. But as a wise Synthizoid once said...

It hurts it’s going.. I wasn’t prepared for it.. but it’s giving us one hell of a last act, and if this episode is any indication, just because the end is in sight dosen’t mean the last few eps before the finale are phoning it in. This is the end... so now i’ve got my emotional stuff and the weight behind it out of the way, for now i’m defintely going to be bawling come the finale and I’m not ashamed, we can dive into the begining of the end. Counting down.. because really when else am I going to get to use this...

We’re at four and under the cut it’s beaks in the shell. Let’s get dangerous. 

We open with a crime in progress as Gandra is stealing a thing for FOWL and Fenton has shown up on the scene to stop her as you’d expect.. along with Huey the boy wonder! He’s finally Fenton’s Sidekick!

Seriously it’s just so sweet to see this little payoff, to see Huey, after talking about it and clearly wanting to assit Fenton however he can, actually participate. Granted he dosen’t have an armor, yet, of his own, but still he’s been through enough stuff to be helpful> plus, Gyro’s reaction to Fenton trying to ge the resources for another gizmosuit was...

Gandra trips up his wheel, and im with 87 Scrooge in Ducktales Remastered, which I finally got to play recently! Horay!, what WAS gyro thinking with that design. Regardless she gets away, and our heroes return the loot off screen. Good day’s crime fighting. 

Except something’s off with Fenton as he’s been working extra late lately and lying to both Gyro and Ma’Ma about it with both suspcious, Gyro because he dosen’t like not knowing things and especially not knowing what his former intern’s up to because he’s a bit of a control freak.. and because he probably can’t go visit his new clone farm and work on speeding up the process of his replacement bodies after moonvasion used em all up without Fenton finding out as he’d tell Scrooge and Scrooge would be like “Stop playing God in ways that could get me a steep fine!”. It’d be a whole thing. The fact Fenton’s also using their now shared intern in Manny and neither is telling him why probably isn’t helping and i’ts only that workplace harassment seminar that keeps him from trying to strangle either of them again. That and Manny dosen’t have a neck.

Ma’Ma is more upset that not only is he lying to her again, more on that later, but .. that she’s figured out he has a new girlfriend and understandably thinks there’s some dark reason he’s not telling her, and unlike Gyro turns out she’s two for two. I mean she is a detective while Gyro is more worried about his clone army, his man horse and his robot son. I mean the last two are valid but still Mama just has to worry about her job and her socially awkward adult son. She has more time to focus on this.

But yes, not only is Fenton seeing someone.. but it’s Gandra again. A bit abrubt but honestly this isn’t the first Fenton episode to move his life fast.. and frankly i’m more lenient on final seasons, or seasons INTENDED to be the last ones in terms of offscreen stuff, as your trying to get everything you can wrapped up in the span of 13-24 episodes depending on how lucky you get, if not less. Sometimes you just gotta use a reveal and some exposition to hurry things along and if presented right it works.. and here it is a while the summary for this episode spoiled the reveal, i’ts still subtly dramatic that not only has hef ully forgiven her.. but their together.. despite the fact she still works for fowl. Wuh-oh.  After the credits we get an idea of what their working on, as Fenton used the gizmoduck suit to enter some kind of VR scape. This is the Gizmoscape! It’s a vast virtual reality landscape.. that looks like a fancy version of the VR Interface from community. Marble pillars, flowing water falls. Though ironically enough Jim Rash’s character is NOT a part of it and despite Fenton suggesting letting him in to help with their glitch problem she’s reluctant as it’s THEIR baby and she wants it to be perfect first before they allow other people in. Though i’m also sure part of it is that Gyro would start screaming JESUS WEPT! over and over. 

Meanwhile Mark Beaks is having a big flashy press confrence to announce the new Waddlephone. Only a 50% chance of exploding! And that’s not my dig at Samsung but the shows as that’s really Beaks sales pitch. Unsuprisingly only one VERY bored looking nerd is there at the confrence. As for why he’s finally fallen so low part of it is explalined in the episode: His attempted thefts of the Gizmoduck suit have gotten stale. As the bored nerd puts it he’s tried to steal it four times already, two that we’ve seen but i’m VERY unsuprised he’s tried again off screen. He’s made it PAINFULLY clear he has no ideas of his own, constantly steals them, and the public’s tired of it. As for why it took THIS LONG.. this is sadly realistic. As the throngs of “hardcore gamers” defending Cyberpunk 2077 before it was released can attest to, internet nerd culture can often be toxic, stupid and defend big personalities even when they’ve CLEARLY done something terrible as long as their doing something they like. Beaks was clearly pilfering enough good products and doing enough antics on social media to still be liked and for them to ignore his blanat and douchey crimes and had enough money on him during said crimes to walk away from it. 

Problem is.. while people can be awful and defend someone despite them not deserving their loyality, being a douche in public and doing VERY terrible things.. you have to have something to earn that loyalty. Waddle had that at first iwth project ta-dah, Waddleduck, various aps i’m sure... but it’s clear from context by this point Beaks has nothing left and no cult of personality to insulate him. Unlike say Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos he dosen’t HAVE some big product to mask his shadier wealth hoarding actions, he just has rampat supervilian attempts to steal someone else’s power armor and a hired hyjacking to get back at his cold unloving mother. Even when he does supervillian stuff like that.. he can’t be bothered to do it originally. The public will, and very sadly, defend you from terrible stuff, we’ve seen it with people supproting Gina Carano even though she’s actively spreading harmful disnfermation and then had the GALL to compare herself to jews hiding from the nazis, and one journalist trying to defend her had the gall to compare this to the hollywood blacklisting if the 50′s instead of you know, someone who woudln’t shut up about harmful dangerous shit finally getting fired for using teh platform said job provided to spread said harmful dangerous shit about masks and the vacine. But if you have nothing to offer.. thieri just going to forget you and move on. He has nothing to offer so they’ll gladly gravitate to some other jackass who can at leasat given them a neat phone instead of trying to steal a superhero suit for the 8th time. Mark realizes if he can’t steal something soon.. he’ll be forced to go with the Nuclear option: MAKE SOMETHING HIMSELF. 

Back at Fenton’s toilet lab, Huey finds Fenton having some cyber makeouts with Gandra... which translates to him kissing the air and Huey feeling evne more awarkd than usual. As for why Huey’s here despite it being late, he got a piece of Gandra’s nanotech during the robbery and figures they can track her. Fenton is.. less than enthused about that for obvious reasons but things soon get worse for our hero as our other hero notices the linkup. And while sidekicks are a good thing in my eyes; They allow young heroes to get proper training, help nuture their talents and prevent assholes from telling them to stop it instead of you know helping them. It’s.. a more common trope than you think let me tell you. 

But Fenton’s discovered the Downside is they can show up anytime, want to hunt your criminal girlfriend down not knowing the full story, and if their a genius like you, figure out what your up to with no effort and really want to try it. Seriously Huey’s almost as smart as you Fenton and will no doubt surpass you one day, this was a matter of when not if and you shouldv’e been more prepared. But Huey wants to try, and while Fenton tries deflecting since he only has the gizmoduck helmet and it only works for him now... Manny comes in with a bunch of vr rigs and Huey dives in.  Naturally, Huey soon running directly into Gandra dosne’t go great.. and given this is huey his natural instinct is to have a panic attack over his best friend, mentor and the only person besides maybe his family, boyfriend and girlfriend that really gets him possibly betraying him and his entire family. Gandra is of course mad Fenton invited someone in when she didn’t want that, and even more someone whose clearly not happy with her and will likely tell on them because that’s basic hue-man nature. 

Fenton explains he didn’t ask for this, so we get easily the best part of the episode: Gandra’s solution to the child having a mental breakdown.. is to summon a weighted blanket and throw it over him, which Huey mistakes for a trap and she explains helps with Anxiety.. and while he struggles.. it really does. Damn gotta get me one of those. Also while his Autisim remains vauge, likely on puprose, Huey having anxiety disorder, while obvious before, is now 100% confirmed. 

So now he’s calm, though his Anxiety meter shows he’s still not happy and Gandra doubts he’ll listen, Fenton can at least try and explain: The two have been seeing each other and working on this in secret.. but it has NOTHING to do with FOWL other than Gandra embezzling resoruces to make it happen. Gandra also explains why the project is so important to her and Fenton via her own backstory: Super Science is a dangerous, unrpedictable field and accidents happen a lot, and given people tend to hate what they don’t understand, hence why the X-Men founded their own island  after getting spat on one too many times, it often gets an unfair bad wrap.. and she shows she’s had to put up with this her whole life, making an intresting lazer thing as a kid that lost to a volcano and getting glared at for it accidently destroying said volcano. And as an adult due to her work’s dangerous and experimental nature, no one would take a chance on it and like many a super villian she had to experiment on herself. It’s also why she worked for Beaks last season and works with FOWL now, only supervillians with thier grandiose ambitions and lack of care for property damage would fund her. 

That’s part, at least, of why this is so very important to her: The Gizmoscap eprovides an invorment where scientests and others can experiment unabated, where the only limit is imagination and those glitches they keep having and any accident can be frozen , dragged and dropped away with no damage. There’s no risk but all the reward and they plan to give it out for free, to let the public use this and let the world grow from it. 

It also fills in a lot of Gandra’s character and gives weight to her last apperance: Her working with Beaks, while hypocritical, now has a tragic edge as he was simply the only one who’d fund her work. Her hatred of Fenton’s corprroate job and people like Scrooge.. is that in general billionares like him usually aren’t good people, and even SCrooge has his clear faults, and she assumed he was just making Fenton shut up and do things just to beniefit him and make him more money.. when Scrooge was instaead paying him to do a genuine public service as gizmoduck, and gives him and Gyro a LOT of leway and a pretty bottomless budget and only turns things down if their way too dangeorus for public release. The tragedy here is if she’d gone to Scrooge.. she never would’ve had to work for FOWL. He wouldd’ve genuinely supported her and likely given her a full ride and a spot in the lab of her own, maybe as an intern but probably on her own merit given how game changing her tech is and how he of all people understands a ballance of risk and reward. It turns her from a very hypcoriticla techie who works with the very people she scorns.. to someone who has no choice and desperatley wants out.  And this is her way out: something new and bold that’, while not hers alone as Fenton co created it, could change the world and make it safe for people like her to do what they do without ridcule, scorn or risk. It’s everything she could’ve dreamed of and more and once it’s done she promises to leave fowl and as the end of the episode bares out, and as her tone makes clear, she’s genuine about it. She also TRULY does love fenton and vice versa and both are desspearte for Huey to keep a lid on things from Gyro till it’s ready, as she rightfully worries if it gets out unfisnished they’ll just be mocked agian.  Naturally being a good soft boy Huey is now entirely on board, because he loves science, and he loves love and this is both. And frankly given what we saw way back in Astro BOYD... .he knows more than anyone what its like to be laughed at and mocked for being diffrent and simply being smart. And even though his family lvoes him.. only one member is as smart as him in the same way, his mom whose still a very diffrent person, and it wasn’t till this season he really got to connect with people his own age like him. And both Violet and BOYD could benifit form this.. everyone could. So he’ll keep it secret for now.  This proves problematic as both Gyro AND Mama are there and both have questions. And while Huey ducks gyro, Mama.. interrogates a small child who she’s defintely met and likely knows has anxiety over something as trivial as her son having a secret girlfrined. You.. you guys might’ve wanted to remove this bit given last year. I”m just saying. Does not play well. The most Huey can come up with is a girlfriend in Canada which fenton plays along with... but given neither her nor gyro are really buying into things, though Mama has a check done on seamstresses in canada just in case because this bit was clearly written years ago and not rerecorded for whatever reason, Huey uses little bulb to fake a gizmo emergency so Fenton can get out of there, go home and work on this himself while Huey stalls and lies. But since his best on the fly lie was “a girlfriend in canada”, which is somehow worse than “who’s Dewey”, and while our boy is many things: excellent at opera, a good friend, a wonderful wingman, excellent at setting a mood, a good son, great at panic attacks, a genius, an expert woodchuck, knowledgeble on quantum mechanics.. the list goes on lying is not one of those things and he seems to be in a pickle. 

Meanwhile Mark is struggling to create, can relate, because he’s entirely creatively sterile. And that’s probably why out of Scrooge’s foes.. he stopped being a threat. He has no vision. And while true the Beagle BOys also don’t besides steal stuff and maybe get our deed back, that’s by design as Ma knows they can’t take scrooge or gizmoduck so why cry. Stick to petty crimes and stuff he isn’t aware of or dosen’t care about. But Magica and Glomgold do. Magica is cunning, if not subtle, and manipulative and when on full blast horrifyingly powerful, and it took everything Clan McDuck had to stop her at full, and she still nearly won without any powers when she came back, and even if Lena can keep her in check now, she still GOT her powers back and got her new arch enemy to defeat her old one. Glomgold while only slightly more comipitent than beaks, and even then VERY slightly, he at least has vision. His schemes are entirely stupid.. but he dosen’t stop coming up with them. They may be his first draft but damn if they aren’t entertaining and damn if one or two haven’t WORKED. Simply stealing a few cents from scrooge and gaslighting him in a devil costume NEARLY drove him insane and cost him his fortune.  Beaks.. has no ideas. He has ambiation.. but it’s to steal the same tech that even if he got it, he woudln’t know what to do with. The ONLY time he’s been a full on threat has been using someone else’s scheme, that Gandra clearly came up with and STILL required piggybacking on the gizmo suit. He has nothing and while it was fine for a while.. eventually h’es left iwth nothing. Glomgold at least has money, magica at least has power... Beaks HAD both.. but had no idea what to properly do with it and now is on his last legs. Even his idea for a coffee cups with aps is taken because of course “even the dumbest ideas are taken”, this is america. Making dumb shit for rich morons is our primary export. But he sees the fleeing fenton, has a breakdown and declares FINE if that’s what fate wants i’ll steal the armor I’LL STEAL THE ARMOR ALL DAY. 

So Fenton heads home to recharge in both senses of the word, and to tell Gandra the timetable’s moved and Huey can hold them only so long. And he seems to be wrong as Huey confidently prepares to answer their questions.. but is seemingly thrown when we get the real reason Mama is so upset: She’s just worried and still a bit hurt from Fenton not feeling he could tell her he was gizmoduck and it breaks her heart that her son feels he has to hide from her again. However while this is genuinely sad and emotional.. the reason he’s thrown is it’s NOT huey, but Louie, whose a bit miffed as he DIDN’T know Fenton was Gizmoduck, and can’t properly bullshit without full info. it’s also really nice that bit FINALLY came up as the rest of the four main kids have known for a while now. But Huey convincnes him to do it.. for 6 months allowance. Frankly the real shocker here is that they actually GET an allowance. 

However Mama.. is again a cop. One who REALLY needs to rethink her ethics.. but a cop, and the best one on the force, and thus has easily guessed this is not Huey, and given she’s probably ran into his schemes before, figures out which one he’d bring in to buffer for him and easily gets rid of Louie by asking him to tur informant on himself, since the REAL Huey would under pressure and Louie instead flees in terror not wanting to get arrested and leaves both the lab and the episode. Though I’m pretty sure i know where he went

So yeah things are not great and only get worse, as Mark breaks into fentons house via the open window and upon finding out abotu the Gizmoscape naturally plans to hack into it and take it for himself. Before he does Fenton talks to Gandra and admits they may have to let other people in and we get another reason: She’s worried she’s not good enough. He reassures her.. and this tender moment is interupted by Beaks who imprisons them, hyjacks fenton’s security system aka a gizmo armor, and while still a creatively sterile douche, does have a decent if horrifically scummy way to profit all of this: use the open coloabreation concept to get the legal right to steal all this and say it’s his. 

Fenton bemaons the fact that Gandra was right, one bad apple spoiled the bunch and unveling it too qiuckly would’ve gone bad as she feared.. but Gandra’s grown and realizes Fenton was also right, and that they needed more people. While the wrong people can ruin a project, collaboration can help, finding perspectives you didn’t see and helping fine tune ideas. Huey, whose collapsed at Fenton’s due to the exustion of lying, wakes up to find Beaks crimes and being unable to just unplug him, as while Beaks is VERY dumb, even he’s not THAT stupid. But Fenton gets out an SOS over morse to tell everyone So Huey does.. and the calvary arrives, as Huey enters the Gizmoscape with Mama and Gyro. And while Mama is pleased to realize she’s right about the girlfirend thing they don’t really have time for that, so once Huey explains the basic concept, he uses it himself to give himself GIZMO ARMOR. AT LAST. 

He also has extra long legs, because of course, just.. of course. Naturally Beaks steals it, and everyone else takes a stab at their own gizmotech armor: Mama daawns a stunning police themed one, Gyro goes for a bulb mecha based on the giant version of little bulb from the great dime chase, an idea brought up by LB, and Gandra goes for a sleek tron esque nanotech number. Beaks take sa bit from each and our heroes wonder how to beat him.. but Fenton realizes that’s simple: Beaks can only copy and steal... they can create. And Gandra uses this against him by pointing that out so he drops his super armor.. to look like Andross from Starfox.. which shows that EVEN when trying to come up with a cool final boss form... Beaks has to steal from something. The rest of the Gizmo Corps, my name for them I own that, Gizmo Legion would also be good, after Iron Man’s iron Legion, suit back up and kick beaks ass as a team. I smell second spinoff.. or first if darkwing ends up hyjacked by Seth Rogen.. who I have nothing agianst he’s just not the one who put in the work for a reboot. 

So our heroes win in an awesome sequence, seirously spinoff and Beaks is knocked the fuck out and presumibly will FINALLY go to jail for good to this as he can get away from a lot but directly breaking into an officer’s house and stalking her son, they can omit the gizmopart and even if Fenton went public.. no one would care and he and Mama can take care of htemselves, as can Huey, Gyro, Gandra and Manny, so it’s not like anyones in danger. Beaks is well and truly defeated: he has no idea, an imminet jail sentence, and no one to back him up. Fenton’s finally got the little boil off his back

So now the big fight is over, Gyro can actually process the Gizmoscape.. and is genuinely impressed.. he tries to hidei t because of course he does.. but it’s clear for someone who himself has constnatly been called crazy and had his ideas blow up.. this is paradise to him. a place where he won’t be judged and has unlimtied funds to experiment with his ideas without having to get yelled at when they destroy a city block or nearly choked to death by his own robot son, daughter or nonbinary person. He also easily fixes the problem and proves Fenton right for wanting to include him, as he points out they hadn’t been DELETING anything, simply downsizing it and it naturally caused stress on the server.  Fenton talks about Gandra and defneeds her to Mama.. whose just happy he’s happya nd someone can take her son. Alls well that ends well right. 

Final Thoughts:  So this was a... wait.. why are we cutting back to fowl.. why is bradford there. 

Yeah turns out megalmanoical diabolical msterminds kinda monitor their employees so he knew she intended to quit and stole resources, and while she plans to leave, he simply calls in a bunch of eggheads who overwhelm her with sheer numbers and has her fined two weeks pay.. and taken to the lost library to indefintely lock her up. What’s that she asks “You have your secrets, I have mine”

So yeah a bit of a downer ending

Actual Final Thoughts: 

This was an excellent capper to Fenton’s character arc. While the Gandra relationsihp is a bit rushed the rest is a masterful capper to his character arc: This episode shows off how he’s changed from EVERY one of his previous three focus episodes, while a major part of astro boyd and how he got his docterate it dosne’t quite contribute to his character arc,  and grown from them: From beware the buddy system! he’s learned to colaberate properly and taken his desire to WORK with other people, like he always did with Gyro but was constnatly shut out, and found a proper and brilliant way to that allows people like him, gyro, gandra and huey to really express themselvs. He’s grown from a niave rookie trusting the wrong people in who is gizmoduck.. to someone whose STILL fully trusting despite constant betryals, but now knows who to trust, and an experinced hero who once freed easily counters his nemisis.  And finally from Dangerous Chemistry, he’s finally got a ballance in his life: inastead of running from gizmo or treating his alter ego as something else.. he’s found a way to use the gizmotech for science, and FINALLY found his world changing invention one so good and so practical even his mentor, despite trying to walk it back, is genuinely proud of him and genuinely in awe.

Every step lead to his happy ending.. well okay his girlfriend still needs to be freed from her insane ex-boss, but that’s just a few episodes away. Fenton has everything he wanted when he started: his boss finally respects him and treats him as an equal, his mom not only knows who he is but is proud and supportive of him, he has a loving partner creatively and romantically.. and a best friend who while a good two decades younger, is there for him and who he genuinely apologizes too for putting so much on him. LIke all the endings so far this season.. it feels like a throughly satisfying end to the journey we’ve been following. This fits in nicely with Penny realizing earth could be her home and that she dosen’t have to constnatly fight to have a purpose, Lena finally accepting magic instead of running from it and thus gaining peace of mind and power to stop her former abuser from hurting anyone else, Goldie finally accepting how much she cars about Scrooge and his family and that she CAN change... all of this, except penny obviously has been built up through three seasons and while I DEFINTLY could see frank and matt returning to all of them.. i’ts nice to get some closure.  It feelsd earned and impressive. The episode is also.. REALLY fucking funny, from the weighted blanket gag to Beaks in general, to Huey yelling at fenton about Mama “She somehow broke Louie!”. It’s a masterful and throughly satisfying end to Fenton’s story. And again we’ll likely see him in the finale but character arc wise.. its a good place to end his. 

Next Week: FINALLY, AFTER 10,000 YEARS, IT’S THE TAILSPIN EPISODE. OWEEOOO, OWEEHHHH. 

Tommorow: We return to the noiry furry world of John Blacksad as everyone’s favorite panther detective battles white supremacists to find a missing girl and we’re introduced to your faviorite sidekick and mine Weekly. 

Later on this week: The Lena retrospective continues with Jaw$, we celebrate Tex Avery’s birthday, and I tackle the awful original tom and jerry movie. 

So if any of that tickles your fancy see you at the next rainbow

when god closes a door in your face somewhere he throws you out a window

Hi everybody, it's been a while! I know it's been a wild ride for all of us lately, through a rickety haunted house with bad effects and a highly dubious safety certificate, but I hope you and yours have at least managed to hold on to the bar. I'm not sure if I have, but I've got some news that might be of interest for any of you who still have this thing turned on.  

In April when my day job closed offices (belatedly I might add), I picked up Evensong's Heir to work on the long-overdue second edition in my off time. You might remember it was put out in 2013 in something of a rush, and some small (and one or two not-so small) errors remain. I've always wanted to go back for another polish. (Something that gave me some real Han-shot-First-sized guilt before I realized that I wasn't going to change any large plot bits, I don't have any bad CGI planned, and that JRRT basically rewrote a chunk of The Hobbit to make it fit the plot of LotR better sooooooo yeah.)

However, I was still going in to my office a couple times a week for in-person tasks, as well as making masks and dealing with the fun paralyzing anxiety that came free with everyone’s bottles of 2020's New Year's champagne, so I didn't progress very far very fast. But then last month, I got a fun new surprise in this time chock-full of fun new surprises: I lost my job. (I was six weeks short of being there fifteen years, and it was via a two-minute phone call, but that's a whole nother rant that doesn't belong here.)

So starting June 1 I began a new chapter of life: as a full-time writer! One who put out one indie-pub novel seven years ago! Which still pulls in about seven dollars in royalties a month! Whahoo! But my options are few, my unfinished drafts are many, and this was what I always planned to do--albeit in a couple more years and with a few more debts paid. But sometimes the universe throws you in the deep end. From the balcony.

In an ideal world I would bang out the next Songbirds book within two months, but I think we can all agree that this world ain't ideal. (It's especially not ideal when you lose a month's worth of your severance to taxes right off the bat.) My biggest conflict has been what I need to focus on first, because my usual ADD-fueled shotgun method is not going to work when I need to have some releases out fast to pay the bills. (Pay part of the bills. Contribute slightly to the bills. Cover the price of the stamp on the bills. You know.) I've been going around in circles for weeks. Do I try to get out the next Songbird book? Do I pick up one of my other books unfinished from years ago and buff it into shape for a faster release? Do I fuck off on all the old shit hanging around with all its baggage, and its notes on crop rotations, and family trees, and NaNoWriMo out a one-off book about-- idek, catboy alchemists late for anime school, or something?

But really, Songbirds is the only thing that makes sense. Even if it means rereading things I haven't looked at for years on end. Even if it means brushing up on my own (extended) canon. Even if it means having moments where I genuinely can't remember if I killed off a character (or if they even made it into EH or I was saving them for later orrr....?) Even if it means turning up here like a runaway hoping their key still works.

So here's what I have planned, at least today: to finish up the second edition of Evensong's Heir as soon as possible, and then to release the book of short stories set in the world of Valnon that I've had planned for ages. It's not the sequel, not yet, but hopefully that will be a bridge to the sequel, and give me time to produce the second book that my birds (and their sellswords) deserve.

(And if not, well. I'm not ruling out alchemist catboys.)

survey by ehxsnos

First lets get the basics out of the way...

What's your name? Stephanie.

How old are you? 31.

Where are you from? California.

What color are your eyes and hair? I have brown eyes and naturally dark brown hair, but I dye it red. I’m a year overdue, though...

When were you born? July 28th.

Now for the fun stuff! Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? They don’t have doors; I have a curtain instead that I do keep closed.

How many people have you slept with this week? Zero.

What size is your bed? Full.

What do you drink with dinner? I don’t always have something when I eat unless I already happen to be drinking something, like coffee or a Starbucks energy drink. I do always have water nearby, though. But yeah, I usually don’t drink while I’m eating, it’s usually before and after.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ranch or Chick-Fil-A sauce. 

Last person you kissed/kissed you? Joseph, almost 10 years ago...

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? There’s several.

What is your usual bedtime? After 7AM. :/

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? It varied, but there were a lot of vampire and witch costumes.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Six years ago for my UC graduation.

Take a vitamin daily? No, but there’s a few I should be taking.

What do you wear to bed? What I wear during the day, which is leggings and graphic tees.

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Wal-Mart and Target. We haven’t had a K-Mart in well over a decade.

Ever have plastic surgery? No.

Do you want kids? No.

Where did your last kiss take place? I think it was in his car.

Four words to explain why you last threw up? I had a stomach bug. That was like 4 years ago.

Last thing you ate? Wingstop for dinner, which was at 8PM. I skipped out on my nightly ramen tonight that I typically have around 2-230AM and now it’s 4:53AM and I’m starving. :/ I actually fell asleep around 10PM last night cause I had a bad headache and then woke up around 230AM, but I didn’t feel like getting up and making it. Sigh. 

Do you get your nails done? Nope. I’ve only had my nails done once, and that was for my 8th grade promotion.

When did your last relationship end? Back in 2013.

So tell us, what room ARE you in? I’m in my room.

How many stories does your home have? Just one.

Do you own headphones? Yep, I’m currently wearing my new Beats earbuds my lil bro got me recently.

Have you ever... Gotten a Brazillian wax? No.

Gotten so drunk you couldn’t remember wtf you did? The last time I drank I got really drunk (and really sick) and there’s parts of that night that are spotty.

Been called a bitch? Jokingly. Seriously as well, I’m sure, but not to my face. 

Slut? Jokingly.

Pierced anything? *Okay, finishing this at a much later time now cause I ended up zonking out.* Anyway, I just have my earlobes pierced.

Had a tattoo? No.

Smoked a cigarette? No.

Smoked weed? Yes.

Missed someone so bad you couldn’t eat or sleep? I’ve gone through really hard times after losing loved ones. 

Worked out at a gym? Yes.

Snuck out of the house? Nope.

What’s the nearest furry object? My throw blanket.

Is the room you are in messy? No.

What is the single largest item in your house? Hmm.

How much money did you spend today? Zero.

What is the biggest amount of money you have ever had at one time? I think 5,000.

What kind of cell phone do you have? An iPhone 12 Pro Max.

Have you ever been under anesthesia? Several times.

Which Disney parks have you been to? Disneyland and California Adventure.

What does your bed comforter look like? I don’t have one. I use a throw blanket, which is rose gold and fluffy.

When did you last cry? Last night.

When is the last time you took medicine? Over an hour ago.

What was the medicine for? It was my pain medication. 

What kind of health insurance do you have? I’m not sharing that.

What is your birth control method of choice? Well, I’m a virgin but besides that I can’t get pregnant, sooo.

How much do you spend on your parents for Christmas? A lot. I love saving up and spoiling my family with what I can.

If you were given $1k and had to use it on 1 purchase, what would you buy? Uhhh. I’d have to really think about that.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? I honestly didn’t try to drink before I was 21.

Have you ever crawled through a window? No.

What do you spend most of your money on? Food delivery, heh. :)))))))) It’s my favorite way to spoil myself. <<< Saaame.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yes.

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex? Yes.

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? No.

How many rooms does your house have? It has 2 bedrooms.

Would you sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars? No.

Are you happier single or in a relationship? All I really know is being single and while I’m not happy, it’s not because of my relationship status. Being in a relationship wouldn’t fix my problems and would add more stress.

Do you have curly hair? No.

What is a compliment you receive often? I rarely receive compliments.

How tall are you?: Like 5′4.

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? My mom recently.

What is the last thing you said aloud? I said goodbye to my mom as she was leaving for work.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee.

What is one thing that can ALWAYS be found in your freezer? Ice cream. My dad likes to always have it.

How many pets do you own? One.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 32.

Last time you went out of town? February 2020.

First thing you wash in the shower? My body. What kind of shampoo & conditioner do you use? A salon style for red dyed hair.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? I own a lot of things from Hot Topic, from clothes to accessories to collectibles. Majority of my graphic tees are from Hot Topic and their sister store, Boxlunch.

Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? Yeah.

How often do you hold hands with someone? I hold my doggo’s hand a lot, ha.

What was the most recent thing you bought? Food.

Could you ever forgive a cheater? I don’t know. Possibly. It would depend on some things.

Do you have Verizon? Yes.

Have you ever been pregnant? No.

What is your average cell phone bill? I don’t know. I’m on a family plan and my parents and brother handle it.

How many piercings do you have? Two; one in each earlobe.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? When I get in.

Have you ever had stitches? Yeah, I’ve had several surgeries. 

Do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Uh, it’s a piercing. Who cares.

Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? Coffee all the way. I don’t drink.

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse? Nope.

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 player? *shrug* I haven’t used my iPod in almost a decade. 

Where did you get that shirt you're wearing? Speaking of Hot Topic...

What are your pet’s names? Princess Leia, either one for short. And a ton of nicknames.

Honestly, are you in love right now? Nope.

Honestly, what color is your underwear? Blue.

Honestly, do you think you are attractive? No. I’m a mess.

Honestly, do your wrists hurt? Not at the moment.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? No.

What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant? Say they got me mixed up with someone cause that’s impossible.

Was there anyone who "made your day"? My mom went and got me my favorite breakfast before she went to work. 

Are you vegeterian? Nope.

How many windows are open in your computer? Two.

Do you read Perez Hilton? Nah.

Is there a baby in the room with you right now? No.

Do you plan on moving within the next year? We’d love to, but I don’t see that happening.

Have you been to a baby shower? I’ve been to several.

What brand is your computer? Apple.

How many cars can fit in your driveway? Two.

Are you taller than your mom? No.

Are you a cuddler? Not really.

Sleep on your back or stomach? I have to sleep turned toward my side and propped up due to acid reflux. 

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? Always closed.

Do you dress for style or comfort? Comfort, definitely. 

Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry? Blahhhh.

Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Sex isn’t a big thing for me, honestly. Also, I don’t plan on getting married. 

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? My first boyfriend did when I broke up with him. 

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? It’s horrible.

How long has it been since you had sex? Virgin here.

Who was the last person to call you babe? *shrug*

Last reason you went to the ER? I haven’t had to go for myself since my accident.

Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents? Yes.

How old was your mom when she gave birth to you? She was in her early 20s. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yeah.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? It’s been awhile. My legs don’t really get hair growth for whatever reason, but that’s fine with me.

What facial cleanser do you use? I don’t.

Do you use a blowdryer? No.

How many purses do you own?: Several.

What are your top five favorite stores to shop for clothes? Boxlunch and Hot Topic.

What kind of clothes do you mostly wear? Graphic tees and leggings.

What about shoes? Adidas.

Have you ever cheated on the significant other that you have now? I’m single, but no I’ve never cheated before.

What are your first thoughts when your visitor visits? It’s always like, ‘ohhh, that’s why I’ve been feeling like that.’

Favorite underwear brand? I don’t have a particular favorite, really.

Last thing you bought at the mall? It was Christmas gifts a couple years ago.

Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend? I’m single. What color are your pillows? I have like 10 pillows and they all look different.

What if an ex asked to be back in your life? No.

Don’t you just love DVR? It’s nice to have.

If you're on a laptop, how much charge does it have left? It’s plugged in, so it’s at 100%.

Last gift you recieved? My brother recently bought me a new pair of Beats earbuds.

Lesson you recently learned? *shrug*

25 Days of BeChloe Christmases - 2019

DAY 11 - FEELS LIKE A HALLMARK MOVIE MOMENT

Prompt from FanFiction User Electronis Zappa: [See the end for full prompt.]

Beca Mitchell stood off to the side and watched as Tom Henderson grabbed Chloe Beale and twirled her around. Beca could hear Chloe's giddy laugh as Tom set her down and kissed her. Chloe wrapped her arms around Tom's waist as they stood talking to some of their fellow graduates.

Beca felt a tightness in her chest as she continued to watch Chloe and Tom. She had such a crush on the popular redhead, but Chloe was straight, so Beca had to settle for being her friend. Beca sighed and went to find her mother; she ran into Stacie Conrad first. Stacie hugged Beca, and Beca wrapped her arms around Stacie.

"I'm going to miss your sarcastic ass, Beca," Stacie said as she let Beca go.

"Keep your promise to keep in touch, and you won't," Beca said.

Beca caught a glimpse of red hair and couldn't help but follow where it went. Stacie cleared her throat.

"Are you still pining after Chloe?"

"I can't help it," Beca said, looking down at the ground. "She's the nicest, sweetest person I've ever met. I just wish I had a chance with her. Don't get me wrong, I like being her friend, but I wanted to be so much more."

"And it doesn't hurt that she's hot," Stacie said.

"And straight," Beca added. "Very, very straight."

"But, also very, very hot."

"Better not let Aubrey hear you say that," Beca said with a laugh.

"She knows Chloe's hot," Stacie said. "And she also knows that I am all hers."

"I'm glad for you," Beca said. "I hate to cut this short, but I have to find my mom. I need to get to the airport."

"Airport?" Aubrey Posen asked from behind Beca. "Where are you going?"

"Shit, Posen," Beca said, turning around. "Don't sneak up on people like that."

"Sorry," Aubrey said. "You said you were going to the airport, but I thought you were going to Stacie's graduation bash tonight. Everyone will be there."

"She's leaving for L.A.," Stacie said. "She already told me she wouldn't be at my party."

"L.A.?" Aubrey said. "Wow, you were serious about that?"

"Serious about what?" Chloe asked as she joined the trio.

"Jesus, what is with you people sneaking up on me," Beca said, holding a hand to her chest. "At this rate, I'll have a heart attack before I can go anywhere."

"Where are you going?" Chloe asked frowning.

"L.A.," Beca said. "I'm actually getting ready to head to the airport."

"You're leaving now?" Chloe asked. "I thought you weren't leaving until the end of summer."

"I got a legit job offer and couldn't pass it up," Beca said. "I start next week, so I'm leaving now so I can get settled."

"But what about the graduation parties?" Chloe asked. "And hanging out before we all head off in different directions for college and stuff."

"Beca!" Sarah Mitchell called out, having spotted Beca.

"Looks like I have to go," Beca said. "I guess I'll catch you guys at the first reunion."

"Good luck, Beca," Aubrey said.

"Yeah, you little shit," Stacie said. "And you'd better keep in touch. And let me know about all the hot girls you meet."

Chloe frowned at Stacie. "Ignore her, Beca. Just give it your all, and I know you'll be winning all kinds of music awards."

"Thanks, Chloe," Beca said. "I'll do my best."

"Hi, Mrs. Mitchell," Aubrey said as she reached the girls.

"Hello, girls," Sarah said. "Congratulations on graduating."

"Thank you," the three girls said together.

"Come on, Beca," Sarah said. "Say your goodbyes because we have to leave, so you don't miss your flight."

Stacie pulled Beca into a hug first. "I'll miss you, Beca."

"I'll miss you, too, legs," Beca said with a laugh.

Aubrey gave Beca a quick hug and wished her luck. Beca turned to Chloe.

"Take care of yourself, Chloe," Beca said.

"Um, don't I get a hug?" Chloe asked pouting.

"Sure," Beca said and pulled Chloe into a hug.

"I'll miss you, Beca," Chloe said. "And you'd better keep in touch."

"Like I told Stacie, I'll do my best," Beca said as she pulled out of the hug. "You all take care of yourselves."

Beca walked away with her mom and looked back and waved one last time. The three friends stood watching Beca walk away, hoping this wasn't the last they'd seen of her.

~ Day 11 of 2019's 25 Days of BeChloe Christmases ~

Ten years later, Stacie hurried into the apartment she shared with her wife, Aubrey.

"Did you hear it?" Stacie asked Aubrey as soon as she entered. "Beca's new song came out today."

"I heard it," Aubrey said. "It's really good. I knew Beca was talented, but who knew our snarky little alt girl would become one of the biggest pop sensations and music producers in the world."

"And she keeps getting hotter and hotter, too," Stacie said. "Everyone wants a piece of Beca Mitchell."

Before Aubrey could say anything else, there was a knock at the door. Aubrey went to answer it, and Chloe came rushing in.

"Did you hear?" Chloe asked, her eyes wide with excitement. "It's already on the charts, and they predict it will be another number one."

"We both heard it today," Stacie said.

"I think the predictions are spot on," Aubrey said.

"Do you know if she's planning on coming home for Christmas, Stacie?" Chloe asked. "No one has heard from her or seen her in a while, and I thought this might be the year she comes home. I really miss her."

"I'm sorry, Chloe," Stacie said. "I haven't heard anything from her either."

"I guess she's busy," Chloe said sadly.

"I know she's on an international tour," Aubrey said. "Maybe we'll hear from her once she's back."

"Maybe," Chloe said. "It would be nice if she came to visit once in a while."

~ Day 11 of 2019's 25 Days of BeChloe Christmases ~

Meanwhile, three thousand miles away, Beca was on the phone talking to her mother.

"I'll be there, mom," Beca said. "I promise."

"Thank you, Beca," Sarah said.

"Don't thank me," Beca said. "You're my mother, and you took care of me. It's my turn to take care of you."

"I don't want to be a burden to you, Beca," Sarah huffed.

"You're not a burden," Beca said. "Not ever. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," Sarah replied. "It will be nice to have you home for Christmas. I love you."

"I love you, too, mom," Beca said and ended the call.

Beca threw her phone on the bed and did another sweep of the house. The house was sold furnished, and she had packed up her personal belongings to ship to her mother's. Beca let out a sigh and finished packing her suitcases, leaving out clothes for her flight back to Barden, Georgia.

~ Day 11 of 2019's 25 Days of BeChloe Christmases ~

Beca had been home for a few days and felt bad that she hadn't called any of her High School friends, especially Stacie. Stacie had been the one person who always kept in touch, except for the last few months while Beca was on her international tour.

Sarah had been through radiation treatments, but that didn't do much to reduce the cancer. Beca thought it sucked that her mom had to start chemo the day before Christmas Eve. It was nearing four in the afternoon, and they had just returned home. Beca helped Sarah to bed and sat down on the edge.

"Do you want anything?" Beca asked, lightly stroking her mother's forehead.

"No, thanks," Sarah mumbled, exhausted.

"Okay," Beca said quietly. "I left the bell here, and if you need me, ring it. I'll be downstairs, making you some hot tea but should be able to hear it. Okay?"

Sarah nodded with her eyes closed. Beca waited a few minutes until she was sure her mother was asleep before making her way downstairs.

Beca went to the kitchen and put the tea kettle on the burner. She got everything ready and sat at the dining room table to wait for the water to boil.

Beca noticed a lot of unopened mail on the table and that most of them were bills. She sighed.

Beca went through the mail and set aside the overdue bills, planning to take care of them herself. The kettle whistled, and Beca made Sarah's tea. She grabbed some crackers and put them on a plate.

Beca placed everything on a tray and carried the tray to her mother's room. Beca placed the tray on a small table next to the bed so her mother could reach it if she woke up and wanted it.

Beca watched her mom for a minute before quietly going back downstairs to find something to fix for dinner. After looking through the pantry and her mother's refrigerator, Beca knew she needed to get some groceries. She compiled a list and picked up her phone.

"Beca!" Stacie's voice squealed through her phone, causing Beca to laugh.

"Hey, Stacie," Beca said. "How's everything?"

"Everything's good," Stacie said. "How about you? How was the tour? We heard your new song and loved it."

"Slow down," Beca chuckled. "I'm good, the tour was good, and I'm glad you like the song. I called because I was wondering if you could do me a favor?"

"You know I'd do anything for you, Beca," Stacie said. "What do you need?"

"Can you and Aubrey come over to my mom's house?"

"Sure, Beca," Stacie said. "We can-. Wait! ARE YOU HERE?"

Beca pulled the phone away from her ear as Stacie started yelling. She put the phone back to her ear when Stacie quieted down.

"Yeah, I'm here." Beca laughed. "Can you guys come over?"

"We'll be there in ten," Stacie said.

Before Beca could say anything, Stacie ended the call. Beca laughed again and put her phone in her pocket.

True to her word, ten minutes later, Stacie and Aubrey were at the door. Beca opened it to be smothered by Stacie grabbing her and swinging her around.

"I've missed you so much!" Stacie squealed.

"Whoa, can you keep it down?" Beca said as Stacie set her on her feet. "My mom's asleep."

"It's kind of early," Aubrey said. "Is she okay?"

"That's why I asked you guys to come over," Beca said. "Let's sit in the living room."

The three sat down, and Beca explained about her mom's cancer diagnosis and how she had her first chemo session earlier that day. Aubrey and Stacie offered their sympathies.

"What can we do to help?" Stacie asked.

"I need some things from the grocery store," Beca said. "And I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up her prescription. I can't leave her alone, so I was hoping you could stay with her until I got back. I don't have anyone else to ask."

"Do you have a list for the grocery store?" Aubrey asked.

"Yeah," Beca said.

"Give it to me," Aubrey said, holding out her hand. "I'll get the groceries and run by the pharmacy. You stay and visit with Stacie, that way if your mom needs anything, you'll be here for her. I'll pick up some take out on the way back."

"That's a great idea, Brey," Stacie said. "What do you say, Beca?"

"Thank you, Aubrey," Beca said as she handed Aubrey the list. "That's a better plan. Wait here, and I'll get you some cash."

Beca got up and ran upstairs. She did a quick check on her mom before running to her room and grabbing some cash. She went downstairs.

"Here's two hundred dollars," Beca said. "I don't know how much the prescription will cost. And I'll call the pharmacy to let them know you'll be picking it up. If that and the groceries cost more, I'll pay you back. And call me if you have any questions. Oh, and can you pick up a pizza for dinner?"

"Pizza it is," Aubrey said. "I'll be back as soon as I can." She kissed Stacie and left.

Beca immediately called the pharmacy and was told there would be no problem as long as Aubrey showed proper ID. Beca texted Aubrey the info to let her know.

"So," Stacie said when Beca finally sat down. "When did you get back, and how long are you staying?"

"I got here a few days ago," Beca said. "I've moved back permanently. My mom needs me. I can do my job from anywhere and fly to L.A. when I need to. "

"Oh, my God, Beca," Stacie said. "That's great news. Everyone's been asking if you would be home for Christmas this year."

"It is nice to be home, especially for Christmas," Beca said. "So, tell me about everyone. Who's still in town? Who's married, has kids? I want to know it all."

~ Day 11 of 2019's 25 Days of BeChloe Christmases ~

"Brey, what are you doing shopping on a weeknight?" Chloe asked when she spotted her blonde best friend. "And two days before Christmas?"

"Oh, um, you know," Aubrey said. "Just picking up a few things for a friend. What about you?"

"I'd been so busy with my class's Christmas program that I forgot to do my grocery shopping," Chloe said with a laugh.

"Oh, right. The program was wonderful as always," Aubrey said as she grabbed a bunch of bananas and placed them in her cart. "Oh, shoot, I forgot the eggs. I'll talk to you later, Chloe."

"Okay, see you, Brey," Chloe said as she continued to look around the produce section.

Aubrey hurried away as she pulled out her phone to call Stacie. She started talking as soon as Stacie answered the phone.

"Ask Beca if she wants Chloe to know she's in Barden?"

"What?" Stacie asked.

"I ran into Chloe at the grocery store," Aubrey said. "She asked what I was doing here, and I made up some lame reason because I didn't know if Beca wanted her to know she was here."

"Oh," Stacie said.

Aubrey heard muffled voices coming through the phone. Stacie came back and said, "Beca doesn't mind if Chloe knows. She figures she'll find out soon enough anyway."

"I just realized something," Aubrey said. "Beca doesn't know about Chloe, does she?"

"I don't think so," Stacie said.

"I have an idea," Aubrey said with a smile. "I'll see you in a little bit."

"Okay," Stacie said. "Bring some ice cream with you."

"I will if you call in the pizza order," Aubrey said. "I can pick it up when I go to the pharmacy."

"Deal," Stacie said, adding, "Love you" before she ended the call.

Aubrey had finished shopping and looked around for Chloe. She smiled when she saw her moving to the checkout.

"Hey, Chlo," Aubrey said as she approached Chloe. "Are you busy after this?"

"Nope," Chloe said. "What did you have in mind?"

"I have to pick up pizza that Stacie ordered for us," Aubrey said. "Would you like to join us for dinner?"

"I'd love to," Chloe said. "Let's pay for our stuff, and we can go."

The two got in line and paid. Chloe was carrying her bags while Aubrey pushed the cart out to her car.

"Why don't you take your stuff home?" Aubrey said. "I'll get the pizza and pick you up in about twenty minutes?"

"Sounds good," Chloe said as she got in her car.

Aubrey went by the pharmacy and then the pizza shop. She was outside Chloe's place and texted Chloe.

Chloe came out and got into the car. Aubrey drove off and made her way to Beca's.

~ Day 11 of 2019's 25 Days of BeChloe Christmases ~

After a few minutes, Chloe started looking around.

"Brey?" Chloe asked. "Where are we going? I thought we were going to your place."

"I never said we were going to my place," Aubrey said, pulling onto Beca's street.

Chloe looked around again and then looked at Aubrey. "Are we going to Beca's house? Oh, my gosh! Is she in town?"

Aubrey smiled and nodded as she stopped the car in front of the Mitchells' house. Chloe squealed and opened the door and was running up to the door before Aubrey had time to shut off the engine. She laughed and smiled as she got out of the car.

Beca and Stacie were talking when there was loud knocking at the door. Beca got up to answer and was thrown back and onto the floor with the force of Chloe rushing into her. Beca barely had time to wrap her arms around the person before falling to the floor.

"Ow. Shit!" Beca cried out as her head hit the floor. She then noticed red hair and chuckled. "Hello to you, too, Chloe."

"Oh, my God, Beca!" Chloe said, leaning back to look at the girl. "I can't believe you're here. I've missed you."

"I'm here," Beca said. "And I'll be here for a while."

"Really?" Chloe said and hugged Beca again.

"Thanks for the help, Chloe," Aubrey said as she stepped over Beca and Chloe. "Here's the pizza. When you two are done with whatever it is you're doing down there on the floor, I can use some help with the groceries.

Chloe pulled back enough to see Aubrey. Smiling, she said, "This may take a while."

Beca laughed and gently pushed Chloe to stand. She stood as well, rubbing the back of her head.

"I'll get the groceries," Beca said.

"I'll help," Chloe immediately responded and followed Beca out to the car.

"Do you think Chloe will tell her?" Stacie asked as she took the pizzas from Aubrey.

"I hope so," Aubrey said. "That's why I brought her here. They belong together."

"I agree," Stacie said.

Once they reached the card, Beca opened the back door. She let out a big sigh before leaning in to grab the groceries.

Chloe stood back to check Beca out, and she liked what she saw. With a soft sigh, she stepped closer to Beca.

"Hey," Chloe said, placing a hand on Beca's lower back.

"Yeah?" Beca said, standing up to look at Chloe.

"Is everything okay?" Chloe asked. "I mean, that was quite the heavy sigh. Did something happen? Is that why you're here?"

Beca sighed and leaned back against the side of the car. "My mom has cancer. I moved back so I can help her."

Tears came to Chloe's eyes as she pulled Beca into a hug. "I'm so sorry. If I can do anything, just let me know."

Beca hugged Chloe to her. "Thanks."

Chloe went to pull out of the hug, but Beca held her tighter. They stood like that for a few minutes before Beca sniffled and let Chloe go.

"Sorry," Beca said.

"Don't be," Chloe said, smiling softly at Beca. Her smile dropped as she blurted out, "I need to tell you something."

"What?" Beca asked, suddenly concerned. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Chloe said. "But, I owe you an apology and an explanation."

"I don't know what you could possibly have to apologize for, but I'm listening," Beca said.

"Okay," Chloe said nervously. "Um, you know how I dated Tom Henderson in High School?"

"Yeah," Beca said.

"Well, he, um," Chloe stammered, looking around while fiddling with her fingers.

Beca grabbed Chloe's hands, causing Chloe to look up at her with tears in her eyes.

"Did he get you pregnant and then dump you?" Beca asked, dropping Chloe's hands and clenching her fists. "I'll kill him."

"No, it's not that," Chloe said. "Tom's a really good guy and wouldn't do that."

"Are you guys married?" Beca asked. "It's not surprising. I am surprised that no one told me, but what's done is done."

"No," Chloe said, getting frustrated. "Why is this so hard?"

"I'm sorry," Beca said. "I'll stay quiet, and you tell me what it is when you're ready."

Chloe stood, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. She looked at Beca and then back at Beca's house. Her eyes widened when she saw that Aubrey and Stacie were watching them from the window.

"I can't do this," Chloe said, turning toward Beca.

Chloe turned and started walking away down the sidewalk.

"Chloe! What are you doing?" Beca called after her.

"I'm going home," Chloe yelled back.

Beca shook her head and ran to catch up with Chloe, grabbing her arm to stop her.

"You can't walk home," Beca said. "Look, I don't know what's got you all flustered and upset, but it can't be that bad. You know you can tell-"

"I'm gay," Chloe blurted out.

"What?"

"I'm gay," Chloe repeated softly.

"I heard you," Beca said. "I'm just confused. Are you apologizing to me for being gay? I'm gay, and I don't apologize for it, and neither should you."

"That's not why I said I needed to apologize to you," Chloe said. "Can we go back to your house and talk?"

"Sure," Beca said.

Beca and Chloe turned back to walk to Beca's house when they saw Stacie and Aubrey getting the groceries out of the car.

"Thanks," Beca said as she took a bag.

The four friends walked into Beca's house and followed Beca to the kitchen. Beca set the bag down on the counter and looked at Chloe.

"Um, Stacie, would you and Aubrey excuse us for a few minutes?" Beca said. "Chloe and I need to talk."

"Sure, Beca," Stacie said. "I'll keep the pizza warm, and we can eat when you're done."

"Thanks," Beca said, taking Chloe by the hand and leading her upstairs to Beca's room. "Sit."

Chloe sat on the bed as Beca indicated, and Beca sat next to her. "So, what do you need to apologize to me for?"

Chloe wouldn't look at Beca while she spoke.

"I've known I was gay since I was fifteen," Chloe said.

"What?" Beca asked, confused. "But all through High School, you dated guys and never once said anything about being gay or bi."

"I was afraid," Chloe said. "I couldn't tell anyone because I was afraid my parents would find out. You know how conservative they are. I couldn't bear having them be disappointed in their gay daughter."

"You could have told me," Beca said. "I would have understood."

"I know," Chloe said. "But, I had such a crush on you back then, and I knew you had a crush on me. I also knew if I said anything, you'd want us to be together. You were so open and unapologetic about being gay, and I wasn't. If we had gotten together, I would have asked you to keep it a secret, and I couldn't do that to you."

Beca sat quietly for a moment, thinking over what Chloe said and what to say to Chloe.

"I get it," Beca finally said. "Coming out is hard." Beca looked at Chloe and asked, "Did anyone else know back then?"

"Just my cousin, Holly," Chloe said.

"When did you come out to everyone else?"

"Five years ago."

"Five years?" Beca said, her voice rising. "You've been out for five years, and you couldn't tell me until now? Why?"

"I don't know," Chloe said as the tears she'd been holding back fell. "I was afraid of how you'd react. You're the one person I don't want to hurt or disappoint."

Beca pulled Chloe into a hug. Chloe buried her face in Beca's shoulder and continued to cry.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled," Beca whispered, kissing the side of Chloe's head. "I'm glad you told me. And you could never disappoint me."

Chloe sat up and settled against Beca. "Hold that thought," Chloe said. "I haven't told you everything."

"Okay," Beca said.

"Um, Tom also knew. I told him after our first date," Chloe said. "He was such a great guy and agreed to pretend to date me so no one would find out I was gay. It was great because we had fun together without all the relationship drama that went with dating for real."

"I may have to apologize to Tom when I see him," Beca said. "I always thought he was a douche, but that was only because he was dating you and I wasn't."

"Here's where the disappointment comes in," Chloe said. She took a deep breath. "I went a little crazy when I got to college. I was away from home, and no one knew me there so I could be gay without any judgment or repercussions."

"What did you do?" Beca asked.

"I slept with a lot of girls," Chloe said, blushing. "I think it was Robin Williams who once said, I wasn't experimenting, I was into full-scale research."

Beca chuckled, and Chloe smiled. "Anyway, I met a girl my Senior Year, and we started dating. I, uh, was only with her because she reminded me of you."

Beca's eyes widened at this. "Really?" she asked and chuckled. "Most of the girls I dated in L.A. reminded me of you. But, I must say, none of them could match your blue eyes."

Chloe blushed again. "Do you, um, still have a crush on me?"

"Yes," Beca said. "Ten years later and my heart started beating fast as soon as I saw you."

"What would you say if I told you that all I want for Christmas is a date with you?"

"I'd say," Beca said, moving to face Chloe. "There really is a Santa Claus because that's what I asked for, too."

Chloe smiled, and Beca smiled back. Beca leaned in and kissed Chloe. It was gentle and only lasted a few seconds because Beca started laughing.

"This feels like a Hallmark movie moment."

"As long as I get the girl," Chloe said.

"You already had her," Beca said and leaned in to kiss Chloe again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Full prompt from Electronis Zappa: Basically, it's something I'd do for a Hallmark Movie if I had the ability to, but obviously I don't. So, Beca and Chloe went to high school together, and Beca moves away. She, of course, never really hid the fact that she was gay in high school, but she always had the biggest crush on Chloe, but Chloe was in the closet. For some reason, 10 years later (when they're 28) Beca moves back to town around Christmas, and now Chloe has finally come out. And of course, Staubrey and Jashley are together. [Sorry I didn't have Jashley in this.]

Feel Like Me

Season 2 post duane berry

Scully POV

Fictober day 17! Wow this month is flying by. Bummer. 

tagging @today-in-fic @suitablyaggrieved

6 weeks of mandatory medical leave, as if the three months I was missing wasn’t punishment enough. The first 2 weeks at home, I could barely get my arms and legs to move, the muscular atrophy invidictive of a lack of movement, but no bed sores, no other signs of trauma. I try not to think about it, try to move forward and not question or dwell on the fact that months of my life will most liking forever remain a mystery. I push myself further than I should especially given the fact that so much of what was done is still unknown. My lack of ovulation, the extreme branches of compounds in my blood, the science is staring me in the face and I can’t seem to see any of the answers. I see questions, questions that disturb my dreams and haunt my days. I try to run again try to let the wind and the pavement take away the relentless questions that plague my mind. I lace up my shoes grab my keys, hope and pray that I can move past this. I close my door walk down the steps to my building, the steps that 2 weeks ago Mulder and my mother carried me up upon my insistence. I look at them in destain, I see myself as weak and not the fierce warrior that beat out half the men in my fbi academy class. I no longer feel like the woman who didn’t need to command respect because my demeanor and strength was projected on its own. Now I only feel weak and guarded, I see pity in my mother and sister. Even Mulder, whom my mother said was broken by my absence has stayed away. I miss him, and at the same time I don’t. I don’t want to have anyone here to pick up the pieces of a life that was shattered by a mentally deranged psychopath. I don’t need Melissa telling me that hypnosis and therapy and crystals are the solution to knowing that you were subjected to god knows what without your consent. I don’t want Mulders guilt and pity to overshadow the strong relationship we had and yet. As I try to run down the block, my lungs start to seize my muscles cramp up and I fall to the cold hard pavement in tears. The desperation I feel for the life I had is as broken. My soul aches for a chance to go back in time and change the past. To go back before Duane Barry, to go to Mulders after I foolishly scanned that trinket at the grocery store. My crumbled body is cold and wet, as the rain soaks into my skin and clothes. My shoelaces jumbled as I try to tie them my hands shake from the nervous breakdown and shock I’m going through, I see a man in the distance running towards me, my anger flares up and all I feel is hatred, hatred that its not me running down the block to the store. Hatred that I have no idea when my last menstrual cycle was. Hatred that I have overdue bills, library fines, and a job that I can’t set foot back at for 4 more weeks while I suffer in an apartment that makes me scream in my head every single second I’m in it. The man running to me is none other than Mulder. I can tell he is screaming my name but I can’t hear anything over my sobs and the heavy rain hitting the pavement. I don’t want his comfort or pity but damn if I don’t need his help. I feel weak and vulnerable like I did on our first case, and I’m soaked to the bone as he lifts me up into his arms. He carries me up to my apartment his long jacket and white dress shirt are soaked through. He gets to the door shifting me slightly to find his spare key, a spare key that my mother gave him when I was missing. Another moment stolen, my privacy vanished. Not that Mulder went through my things, but he certainly slept on the couch a few times. He cleaned my apartment for me when I was in the hospital. Said it was one of the only times he felt useful, he’s lousy at dusting. But even with the rain his musk invades my senses as he carries me to the couch. He sheds his coat pull his ugly tie off and is shirtless in minutes, I gasp at his lean body. I’ve seen him shirtless numerous times before, but apparently not having a partner that constantly questions you leaves you more time at the gym. He starts to tug off my shirt and shoes and pants. I’m shivering in my sports bra and thin underwear. He takes a mere second to wrap me up in a towel, lovingly drying my hair. His voice finally comes through.

 “Hi, I’m sorry you just seem to be in shock and we can’t have you getting a cold when you just got out of the hospital.” 

He brushes my hair off my face. I say nothing looking at him as he grabs a towel and dries off roughly. His pants are still soaked. I make a meek gesture and he gets the hint. He strips down to his boxers, I try desperately not to look at his hard on and drag my eyes to stare at his warm hazel globes, that have comforted me in moments of sheer terror. He leans forward gives me a soft kiss on my forehead. 

 “I’m just going to throw our stuff in the dryer, and grab you some dry clothes ok?” He strokes my cheek and I can only nod at him. 

My ankle hurts and I pull the towel a little more around me taking off my sports bra and tossing it towards his back. He turns sees my bare chest and I here a groan before he reaches down and picks it up to throw in with the others. I stare at the blank wall wondering if I’m going to come to my senses and kick him out. If he will do something stupid like call my mother. If he will go home if I even try to tell him to leave. He probably won’t he must have been watching me from the road. I don’t know what should bother me more, the fact that he had me under surveillance or that I didn’t notice it. He comes back wearing a pair of his gym shorts that he had stashed here, probably from when he was secretly staying when I was missing. He has one of his knicks shirts on too, carrying some FBI sweats and a loose looking top. I try to reach for it without dropping the towel that I clutch to my skin. He hands it to me grabs the towel and lifts it up so I can change into it. My nipples are hard from the cold and stick through the thing shirt. He also brought a pair of underwear for me, not granny panties but not any of my lacy clearly for sex stuff either. The fact that he has been through my drawers should bother me too, but knowing we have both packed for one another more than a few times in the short time we have been working together it doesn’t. I struggle and finally get everything on I reach up and touch his hand still gripping the towel tightly as he looks down. I still say nothing he pulls me into a tight hug and I fold a little. 

“I know you are fine, and think everything is going to be fine, and it is, or it will be. But Scully.” 

He takes my hand and we sit side by side on the couch as he turns to face me. He cups my face in that way he does stroking my cheek. I watch his eyes. He looks down towards are hands clasped in one another. 

“I’m not fine Scully, I’m not fine with you being back here, I’m not fine not being with you. I’m worried that every time the phone rings and I don’t answer it immediately I’m going to hear your voice screaming in a message, that I got too late.” 

My lip quivers, I forget sometimes, that while I might be missing the time that I was gone, my missing from my life changed the people around me too.

 “I worry at night that I’m going to wake up and you will still be gone, and I’ll get another call to check and see if the redhead at yet another morgue is you. I’m not fine at all, and if you want to tell me to get lost and repeat to yourself that you are fine, ok. Whatever. Tonight though I needed to see you, I needed to just double check. Ok?” he pauses takes a moment to rub his face. “I uh.. Should get going. Just you know bring back the suit stuff when you come back in a few weeks.” 

He starts to move off the couch and I reach for his arm. Look at him and give him a small smile. 

“I’m not really fine...my ankle hurts. I uh think I pushed myself to hard, there is also nothing to eat here and I’m starving.” I mutter. 

He smiles big this time, like he did when he walked into that hospital room and saw me awake. That smile that has probably melted more than a few girls hearts is melting mine right now. 

“I brought food, your favorite. It’s in the car. I was just going to make up something about work, bring a file you know.” 

“Do you have a file I can look at?” I ask because god knows I need a distraction and working, working with him and challenging my mind like he does is a sure fire way to help distance myself a bit. 

“Yea I well, I brought a box.. I just.. I really fucking missed you.”

I laugh. “If I could remember anything, I think I would remember missing you too.”  

He grins. Leans forward again and this time I lean up and press my lips lightly to his. It's over too soon and I already want to kiss him again  

“Thanks for you know checking on me.” 

He runs his thumb over my cheek. 

“You gonna go get that food and work or what?” 

“Yea, I’m sorry that kiss left me a little stunned is all. I’m going I’m going.” 

“If you got my favorite and a juicy autopsy I might give you another.” 

I shout as he opens my door. He smiles, when he politely knocks to come back in  I laugh. He goes to hand me the extra key. 

“I uh think you should keep it, you know case you aren’t fine.. Or ..whatever.” I whisper.

He nods and shifts the box from his hip and I finally feel like me again.

A Little Deadlight Never Killed Anyone ( 3 / 3 )

Richie is about to leave Derry, he's about to leave for the last time and move on. He's about to leave Eddie. But, first, he's got to carve something back into the kissing bridge he left in 1989. Little does he know that a short trip to find closure will give him everything he's ever wanted and more.

...

“Dunno why you’re gonna start writing your own material now,” Eddie mentioned as they ate in his car during their drive. “You still have the sense of humor of a thirteen-year-old.”

“Yowza!” Richie chuckled, “Eds! Think of my fragile ego!” then he winced when Eddie flicked him in the side of the head.

“That’s not the only thing that’s fragile, I see.”

“Gee, Eds,” he rubbed at the spot on his head but smiled nonetheless, “maybe you should write my material from now on!”

“Hm!” Eddie placed his burger on his lap then threw his hands up in the air like he was presenting something, “I can see it now! Richie Trashmouth Tozier’s comedy special, How I Killed a Literal Demon Clown Twice, written by his fellow repressed gay man.”

“Fellow repressed gay man, eh? Is that what they call boyfriends now?” Richie barked out a laugh at the thought of it, “my name is Richie Tozier and this is my fellow repressed gay man, Eddie Kaspbrak!”

Eddie cackled right next to him and nodded his head, “if anyone else in the audience has a fellow repressed gay man, please stand up! We want to give you a round of applause!”

...

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Ao3

“Hello, this is Eddie Kaspbrak, I was an old friend of your husband’s, Stanley Uris.”

It’s a hard call to make, Mike would probably argue otherwise but to Eddie, it was the hardest. Probably because he’s about to sound crazy, like he’s some insane prank caller, but Eddie has a rough outline of a plan. He knew about the letters that Stan sent to everyone, he figures it’d be easier to just say he read the message in the letter rather than tell her he’s been to heaven and saw her dead husband as a thirteen-year-old boy again.

“Oh,” Patty said over the phone, a slight shudder in her voice. “I’m so sorry, I’m not sure if you got a letter or not, but my husband-” she pauses, Eddie hears the whimper in her voice and for a moment he’s scared he might cry as well. “He’s passed on.”

Eddie pauses, he hears her let out a muffled sob and he finally has to let himself take a deep breath. He has to get through this. “I… I’m actually calling about the letter I was given. He gave me specific instructions at the end to call this number and- and read out the message he wrote.”

Eddie wished he had a script then, but Stan didn’t exactly give him much to go off of. Maybe it wasn’t Eddie’s place to try and give his wife closure like this, but it breaks his heart to think that she’ll have to keep living without another word from him, that she probably won’t see him even after she dies.

“He wanted me to tell you that he’s sorry. He’s sorry that it doesn’t all make sense and that he can’t explain it, but he’s sorry. He wants you to know that he’s happy now, he’s probably somewhere where the grass is green and the sun never stops shining. He’s safe, he’s safe in a way he was never safe before, in a way he wishes he could help you understand. He’s okay. He’s okay and he loves you. He loves you so much and he hopes he’ll see you again one day.”

It’s completely silent over the other line, Eddie desperately hopes that what he said was good, that it’s what Stan would’ve wanted. Eddie looks over to Richie who’s sitting in a chair at the other side of the room with a worried look. Richie has a soft smile for him and Eddie feels himself relax just a little bit.

There’s some sniffling on the other side of the phone then a voice that sounds a little taller than it had a few seconds ago. “Thank you so much.” And when she hangs up, Eddie doesn’t blame her at all.

…

It had been a lot for the entire losers club to handle in the past week. On top of Eddie, who they had already mourned over, being alive and not even injured, the news he had was beyond comprehensible. Most of them didn’t believe him at first, Bill had laughed out loud when Eddie explained that he went to what looked like heaven, he claimed there was no such thing and even if there was, he couldn’t imagine Pennywise’s victims actually getting there. Mike agreed that there could’ve been a force of magic stopping them from actually going to heaven and Eddie supposed he had to sort of agree, but what he saw was heaven and he stood by that. Granted, he wasn’t actually sure what limitations the heaven had. Stan said every Pennywise victim, surely that had to include the horrible people like the Bowers gang, would they be allowed in heaven? Do innocent people go to this heaven? Do bad people find themselves in their own personal hell? Eddie didn’t know.

Eddie mekely talked about Georgie then. He didn’t know much but he knew that, according to Stan, he had to of been in that heaven with multiple other kids for years, he wasn’t alone. And now he was definitely not alone because Stan was there with him. Bill got quiet then and it made Eddie feel like he had said something wrong. He was really trying to be as sensitive with the topic as possible but maybe, with all the years of struggling for closure, this could be too much.

That thought left his mind when Bill looked up at all of them with tears in his eyes but a smile on his lips. “Thank you,” he whispered.

…

Richie had never felt so depressed yet relieved to be walking back into the commons of Derry, specifically the Derry Town House. Depressed because he was supposed to already be halfway back home at that point but relieved because he was beside the man he loves. He could stand another night in the old building if it meant walking out the next morning hand in hand with Eddie.

When they walked back into their room, Richie was quick to throw himself onto the bed and snuggle into the Derry smelling covers and almost drifted off into sleep right then and there. “Jesus, Eds, I haven’t felt this exhausted since the first time I fucked your mom!”

“Beep beep, Richie,” Eddie grumbled. When Richie didn’t feel his warmth near him, he slowly picked his head up and looked over to the chair. Eddie looked anxious where he sat, fiddling with his fingers, similar to how he looked the night they got in Derry.

“Hey,” Richie said warmly. He picked himself up from his position on the bed and walked over to Eddie. He crouched down to eye level with his friend (boyfriend? Lover? He doesn’t know now) and tried to give him a comforting smile. “We killed It, okay? Nothing’s gonna get you.”

Eddie sighed and shook his head. “No, Rich, it’s not that…”

They stayed silent for a moment longer, Richie was really waiting to see if he had more to say but when the silence dragged on he decided to prompt him with a hand on his knee and a nod of his head.

“It’s just,” Eddie groaned, “I know what I have to do, I know what the next step is, I just don’t know what to do afterward.”

Richie rocked himself on the balls of his feet then let his body fall back and sit there. “What do you have to do?”

Eddie shrugged but he knew the answer, “I have to leave Myra. It’s long overdue and, honestly, I’ve been wanting to do it ever since I signed that damn marriage license.”

The other man chuckled a little at that, “what? The vows weren’t what made you realize your mistake?”

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie scratched the back of his neck, “there- well, there- there wasn’t a wedding.”

The silence then was very, very awkward. Richie always sort of wondered if Eddie really put that much effort into a marriage he wasn’t even happy in, but he didn’t realize that Eddie actually didn’t put any effort into the marriage.

“I know, I know-” Eddie groaned again, “ god, I know, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk down the aisle to her. To somebody I don’t love. Technically, I didn’t even propose to her either. My mom told her that I was going to, then Myra told me she knew and started trying to plan a wedding. I tried to tell my mom that I wasn’t ready to get married, but since she was dying at the time she guilt-tripped me by claiming that I was trying to tear away the experience of having a daughter-in-law and grandchildren from her.” He let out a bitter laugh at the memory and it made Richie’s heart twist. “Funny enough, she died before we married and I still couldn’t find it in me to call it off.”

Richie watched him for a few more seconds, watched the heartbreak and misery dance in his eyes before he prompted him to keep speaking again. “Why are you afraid of what comes after?”

A selfish piece of Richie was silently aching at the thought of Eddie being afraid because of Richie. It’s no lie that Richie had already been imagining a life with Eddie, he was already planning on leaving Derry with him that next morning but he couldn’t stop his mind from planning the rest. He wanted to take Eddie back to his home, the one he had picked out in a nice neighborhood with a nice park nearby. The home was big and spacious, he picked out comfortable furniture that wasn’t even remotely his type but he always imagined that someone (someone he couldn’t remember) would one day walk in and love it. He had a first-aid kit in almost every room and even though he didn’t really care to actually pull them out if he got hurt, he imagined someone would be proud of him for it. The place was always stocked up with sweets he didn’t even care for, but he always ate them because they always brought back a memory he couldn’t see clearly or place right. Strawberry ice cream was always in his freezer even though his favorite flavor was rocky road. He didn’t know why he did all these over-the-top things for a person he couldn’t even remember the name of but he always did it without a second thought. He didn’t know until he saw Eddie standing next to a fish tank in a Chinese restaurant not even a week ago.

“I don’t know. I mean, I have a vague plan. She’ll probably want… everything, so I’ll probably just take my clothes and end up in a hotel for a few weeks, then I’ll have to start-”

“Wait.” Richie cut him off and put his hand off as if to sign it too. “Why would you be staying in a hotel?”

Eddie looked at him with a puzzled look as if it was obvious why. “I… I won’t have anywhere to live, Rich, I can’t be on the street.”

“Yeah, obviously,” Richie stood up then and walked over to where Eddie sat, “that’s why you’re going to be staying with me? I thought that was obvious.”

The smaller man stared blankly at Richie before his face broke out into a confused, hesitant smile and was followed by an equally confused and hesitant laugh. “What? Richie, there’s no way I could do that to you.”

“You’re not doing anything to me-”

“I can’t just walk into your life like that, that’s not- I can’t.”

“Oh please,” Richie rolled his eyes, though it was in a fond gesture. “You didn’t just ‘walk into my life,’ you’ve always been there, even if I didn’t remember you.”

Eddie still shook his head, “it’s too much, I can’t do that to you.”

“Do what? Hurt me? Trust me, Eds, it’ll hurt way worse if I have to walk out of here without you by my side.”

The older man just sighed and looked down at the floor then. Richie thought he was going to cry, he looked like he was going to cry and that thought broke Richie’s heart. He’s cried so much already and Richie knows he’ll cry even more if he finds himself alone in a hotel room come the following week.

“Eddie,” Richie placed his hands on the latter’s shoulders and leaned down to press a kiss on the top of his head. “I love you, I always have. Even when I didn’t remember you, I always loved you. You were always in the back of my mind, always plaguing my thoughts. No matter what I did, I always had this sexy little gremlin of a man who talks faster than the sound barrier can handle.”

Eddie chuckled at that and looked back up to meet Richie’s magnified, purely love-filled eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you, Kaspbrak, I’ve waited my whole life for you and I’m not going to let you go a second time.”

The two of them smiled and both of them knew the answer then.

…

At 12:36 am the next day, Richie and Eddie were already on the road outside of Derry and on their way to Chicago. There was still a lot to do, not only did Eddie have to tell his (soon to be ex) wife that he was alive and ready to split, but both men had to let their jobs know that they didn’t die and that a few things were going to have to change.

For one, Eddie had to let his company know that he’d be working in a whole other state. Also, he might want to beg not to lose his job considering the fact that he went at least three days without reporting back to them. Oh, and he’s going to actually need to sign up for therapy this time, all the losers will but him and Richie already discussed it and decided to make appointments very, very soon.

Richie will have to make some changes too. He had two shows scheduled for the days he went missing so he’ll have to deal with the refunds and the consequences of losing that money, not to mention the fact that all shows will have to be canceled until further notice due to the fact that he’s recovering from… trauma. On top of all that, he’s going to have to come up with some excuse as to why he was gone out of the blue like that and why he’s suddenly moving in a man they’ve never met before. It sounds like a dumb thing to have to explain but apparently his business is their business. Oh, and he’s going to be writing his own material from now on.

“Dunno why you’re gonna start writing your own material now,” Eddie mentioned as they ate in his car during their drive. “You still have the sense of humor of a thirteen-year-old.”

“Yowza!” Richie chuckled, “Eds! Think of my fragile ego!” then he winced when Eddie flicked him in the side of the head.

“That’s not the only thing that’s fragile, I see.”

“Gee, Eds,” he rubbed at the spot on his head but smiled nonetheless, “maybe you should write my material from now on!”

“Hm!” Eddie placed his burger on his lap then threw his hands up in the air like he was presenting something, “I can see it now! Richie Trashmouth Tozier’s comedy special, How I Killed a Literal Demon Clown Twice, written by his fellow repressed gay man.”

“Fellow repressed gay man, eh? Is that what they call boyfriends now?” Richie barked out a laugh at the thought of it, “my name is Richie Tozier and this is my fellow repressed gay man, Eddie Kaspbrak!”

Eddie cackled right next to him and nodded his head, “if anyone else in the audience has a fellow repressed gay man, please stand up! We want to give you a round of applause!”

Richie knows he hasn’t laughed that hard in years, hell, he knows he hasn’t even been that funny in years and he wasn’t even the funny one.

“Y’know, Eds,” he said as he chucked a ketchup packet at Eddie’s head, “I think I figured out why I couldn’t write my own material before.”

Eddie giggled, “why’s that, Trashmouth?”

“Well, I think I need a special Kaspbrak by my side to truly be funny.”

Eddie stopped laughing and just smiled at him then, it was true that his recorded humor wasn’t the same as the funny shit-talking boy he knew back in Derry. Eddie wondered, as he watched his shows, if that’s just how Richie was now. Words couldn’t express how relieved he felt when he saw the man face-to-face and realized that he hadn’t changed a bit.

“But since I don’t have your mom anymore, I guess I have to settle for you.”

“Shut the fuck up!”

…

They were close to Richie’s home now. Richie knew the way around like the back of his hand at this point, meaning that he got lost a few times because Richie doesn’t know shit about the back of his hand. But when he finally knew where he was going, he started to feel himself get twitchy and anxious. Would Eddie like the house? Shit, would Eddie like living with him? Would he be enough? Is he enough right now? Is this what Eddie really wants?

“Richie, I can hear your thoughts from over here,” Eddie whispered because the silence in the car was to thick for him to break.

“Sorry, Eds, guess I’m just thinking.”

Eddie nodded his head, then he shyly looked down. “I’ve been thinking too.”

“Oh?”

“Mhm.”

“Do tell!”

Eddie huffed out a laugh then sat himself up in the car. “Maybe this is a bit forward, but I think me and you are on the same page about this.”

Richie turned his head to look at Eddie then with a confused look, “what do you mean?”

The smaller man sighed and shrugged his shoulders, “I was just thinking… That when we’re settled in together, like with our jobs and my marriage and just living together, that I want to marry you.”

Richie froze then, his thoughts coming to a complete stop and his heart skipped at least three beats. The whole world seemed to stop for just a moment, then it kicked into full gear and Richie couldn’t answer fast enough.

“Yes!” He gasped out.

“Yes? You want to marry me?”

“Yes! Yes, oh my god, yes! Fuck, of course, I want to marry you!” Richie leaned over and pressed his lips against Eddie’s then peppered them all over his freckled face. “Please, yes, fuck! Yes, let’s get married.”

Eddie’s giggles were like music to Richie’s ears and Richie was just soaking it all in. But, really, what’s the rush?

They have forever.

And All That Jazz - Chapter 2: When You're Good To Mama (Ninex/Branjie) - Gab

Summary: Last chapter, we got a taste of the merry murderesses of Cook County Jail and it’s new addition: the Dancing Duo of the R.A.C. lounge. This chapter we meet the ladies of the west block and their lawyer extraordinaire.

a/n: Sorry I’ve been MIA for so long! This chapter is way way way overdue, but it’s here finally! Thought I’d try my hand at some Ninex. Also disclaimer, we’re not going for roaring 20’s realism at all if I want my lesbians to thrive!!!! So yes, women can be lawyers even though the general public won’t believe they would murder anyone. That’s fanfiction for ya folks. Also murderess row is in the west block of cook county jail in this instead of the east block… for obvious reasons. Shoutout to barbiehytes for checking up on this fic! It’s still alive, although I’m not so sure about what to do with it quite yet. If you have any comments, feedback, or suggestions for where this should go, let me know either on AO3 or on my sideblog @gabby-writes ! Enjoy!

Chapter 2: When You’re Good To Mama

Word count: 2128

Ask any other chickies in my pen

They’ll tell you I’m the biggest mother hen

I love them all and all of them love me

‘Cause the system works

The system called

Reciprocity

The west block wasn’t the nicest place, it had the same layer of rust and grime that covered the entire prison, but not even the leaking pipes and smell of smoke could stop the reporters from snapping away at the gates, nor could it stop the stream of flowers from coming through the door.

Each of the other inmates wore the same gray jumpsuit and had the same cold bunk, but not the west block. With all the attention these girls were getting, management seemed to let some rules go a bit lax. A mix of glamour and perfume hung in the air above Chicago’s most infamous celebrity-making machine—cook county’s very own stars in captivity—and entering the holding area was like walking into a circus act, wondering when the next show was about to start.

These girls were relentless, always pining for the spotlight, but there was one thing that kept them together. One woman that is.

Miss Nina West herself.

On the outside, Nina was completely delightful, with a smile that could melt even the toughest officer. Nina wasn’t a fool however, and she knew it took a whole lot more to get people to work in her favor. She had tricks up her sleeve and in her bra after all.

It took a hell of a lot of work to keep diva murderesses in line, but Nina had more grit than a sheet of sandpaper, and more connections than a telephone wire for good measure.

She knew every girl in murderess row by name, crime, and whatever else in between. She knew every intimate detail of their lives, coaxed out of them through kindness, cigarettes, alcohol, or a careful combination of all three. Every girl knew that if there was any chance for them to make it out as stars, Nina was it.

Got a little motto

Always sees me through

When you’re good to mama

Mama’s good to you

She was making her way around the block, each holding area buzzing with life as the poor officers tried to quiet the girls down. They stood up in front of their cells to greet her, lines of outstretched hands and strategically placed dollar bills adorning the side of the hall.

“Miss Nina I can’t find my favorite Nightie, would you be an absolute doll and order me a new one?” a flirtatious and stunning redhead peered through her cell doors, a beautiful smile on her lips as she knelt on her bed, leaning on her cell bars. She was draped in a silk robe and lazily peered up at the older woman.

Nina never fell for Scarlet’s attempts at charm, but it was always a delight to watch her try. Besides, there was nothing that flattered her more than the starlet’s unabashed flirting. She stopped for a moment, leaning into the bars across her cell.

“If you stopped letting miss Oddly rip them apart, maybe they’d last longer.” Nina’s teasing tone was rewarded by the blush on the other woman’s face, the redhead’s smile never faltering.

“Oh come on mama, you know she’s got all these… frustrations,” Scarlet said suggestively, leaning in further to tease fingers over Nina’s chest.

“Besides, I can’t go without my nightie for the press tomorrow.” She leaned in closer, a wickedly sexy smile on her face. It was a known fact that Scarlet would never show up to her press conferences without a sheer slip dress under her loosely tied robe. Nina couldn’t deny her however, after all, she was the one who suggested it in the first place.

Besides, from the standpoint of the press, asking particularly hard-hitting questions was a tad more difficult when you were faced with Scarlet’s breasts nearly spilling out of her dress.

Nina rolled her eyes, reaching through the bars and down the front of Scarlet’s robe, pulling out a 50 dollar bill from her brassiere.

“I’ll give them a call in the morning.” “You’re a gem, mama.” Scarlet blew her a quick kiss before rolling over on her bed.

There’s a lot of favors

I’m prepared to do

You do one for mama

She’ll do one for you

Nina walked up to the girl who was cooly resting against the bars of her cell down the hall, the older woman snatching the cigarette from the inmate’s lips and placing it between her own.

“Hey! I paid for that.”

“Then maybe you’d work harder to hide it,” Nina said with a wink. “Now tell me, when is your trial date again?”

Yvie gave a small shrug along with a wide grin.

“It doesn’t really matter, you know how much I like it here.”

This is Yvie’s third time in the west block for allegedly killing another husband. Well this time it was her fiancé. And this time he mysteriously wrote off his fortune to her before he mysteriously…got murdered.

“You know, you don’t have to kill men to meet girls in prison.”

“Okay first of all, allegedly, secondly they were all assholes, and third, prison has all the fun girls mama,” Yvie said, pouting for a second before letting out a laugh in Nina’s direction.

“Oh right, I forgot crazy is your type.”  Nina muttered, putting out the cigarette and handing Yvie a fresh pack. Yvie laughed again, accepting the contraband and retreating back into her cell.

They say that life is tit for tat

And that’s the way i live

So i deserve a lot of tat

For what i’ve got to give

Nina would worry more about her girls—death penalty was a real threat after all—if she wasn’t so confident in their lawyer. And maybe she was a sight for sore eyes after dealing with hot messes all day, but she wasn’t going to be the first to admit it. She saw her often enough, but a new case to whet her appetite was always welcome. She smiled to herself, remembering the two new girls that were about to be brought up from administration, definitely in need of a lawyer.

Don’t you know that this hand

Washes that one too

When you’re good to mama

Mama’s good to you

She finished her rounds, tucked the wad of cash she collected into her pocket, and strolled into her office to note down the next few favors she had to call in. Of course, there was one more very important call she had to make.

—

“Miss X Change? The phone’s for you.”

A voice chimed into the room as soft classical radio played in the background. The radio gave a click before going quiet as a woman with short, platinum hair rose from her seat and headed towards the door, her bright red heels matching the red of her smile perfectly. It was late afternoon and the sun colored the smoky office in gold light, touching everything in the room from the gramophone in the corner to today’s headline, left on the desk.

“Speaking.”

“Have you seen today’s paper? It’s been a madhouse here since morning.”

A smile broke out across Monet’s face the minute she heard the voice on the other line. She let her hand linger over the buttons on her blazer, fiddling with the top button as she listened to the other woman.

“‘Dancing Duo Murders Club Owner in a Deadly Double Act’? Nina, baby, I’ll have the press printing their names all over the city before the week is up.”

“So you’ll take their case then?” The voice on the other side of the line sounded hopeful.

“Maybe you should invite me over first.” Monet smirked, already reaching for her hat, “To meet them, of course.”

—

“You know, you’re much better at flirting with my girls than actually getting them out of my block.”

“But if I got them all out, I’d miss you too much,” Monet strode straight towards Nina, arms outstretched as she went in for a hug. “Now tell me about the two new babes.”

—

“You good baby?”

Brooke watched as Vanessa dressed herself in the tiny cell they had been put in for the time being. They had just taken their mug shots, some medical exams, and various measurements. The two were completely exhausted.

“Didn’t think there’d be that much pokin’ and proddin’, apart from you,” She replied, giving Brooke a wink before pulling up her trousers. She walked closer to the blonde, putting her arms around her neck, savoring the bit of privacy they got before they had to go to their cells.

“You nervous?”

“Nah. Nicky’s gone ain’t he? Ain’t nobody can hurt me now,” Vanessa said sweetly, placing a kiss on Brooke’s lips. “Are you?”

“Nope, I think I can swing something good for us here.”

—

Nina knew exactly who she was dealing with from the moment she got the call about the murder at the R.A.C. lounge.  She was no criminal, that much was clear, but after dealing with so many you get pretty good idea of the next person to slip.

Brooke was a performer at R.A.C., a regular show girl that practically ran the establishment. Nina met her while calling in a favor, something that club owner Nicky Pike owed her plenty of. They were fast friends ever since, trading stories over dinner and whatever show came with it.

It was a few years later that Nina met Vanessa. She was a young performer from the countryside, much too eager, and far too pretty. Unsurprisingly, Vanessa quickly became Nicky’s favorite, his arm constantly draped low on her hip and his eyes wandering every which way. Vanessa never looked particularly keen, but Nina could tell from the way that Brooke clenched her fists and straightened her back around them that she did not like it. Not at all.

Nina could tell when people were about to slip, and she was sure Brooke wasn’t far off.

“Brooke Lynn!”

Nina’s voice carried across the detention center until it hit the blonde on the other side of the room. She was lazily running her fingers through Vanessa’s hair as the brunette practically purred on her lap. Brooke smiled as she saw Nina stride towards her.

“Long time no see?”

“I told you she was gonna get you in trouble one of these days,” Nina said, gesturing to Vanessa, who pouted playfully.

“Hey! It was a team effort,” Vanessa said, pausing for a moment, “if we did it.”

“You don’t know the half of it Nina.” Brooke smirked as she took the handcuffs from Nina’s belt and fastened it onto Vanessa’s wrists as the younger girl giggled. She then took another pair and placed it on herself, looking over at Nina’s raised eyebrows.

“I know how things work here.”

“I know you do. You should also know to not get drunk before getting caught, and definitely not to get caught between your girl’s legs.”

“I hear this lawyer of yours is real good.”

“You wanted to test it?” Nina could feel a headache creep up on her as she regarded the pair. They didn’t seem sorry at all, although knowing Nicky, she wouldn’t feel too sorry either.

“I always liked a good challenge anyway.” Monet walked up beside Nina, looking over the pair and giving a low whistle.

It was going to be a long day.

—

The evening wasn’t any quieter than the daytime, the noises of the street carrying through Nina’s office window and bouncing off the walls. She had sat down, kicking off her shoes and screwed the top of her flask open. Monet walked through the door as she took a swig, offering the smuggled drink to the lawyer.

“Those girls of yours are something else.” Monet handed back the drink, sitting on the other side of Nina’s desk. “Oh they’re mine are they? I thought we shared custody with all of them being your clients,” Nina emphasized, putting her feet up for a moment.

“Touché.”

“So, what do you think of Brooke and Vanessa?” Nina looked at the lawyer, trying to read her face.

“It’s not gonna be easy Neens, the evidence is everywhere,” Monet sighed, putting her hat back on, making a move to leave.

“Hey hang on, we both know that asshole club owner has been harassing Vanessa for months now,” Nina said, quickly putting her feet down and standing beside Monet.

The lawyer’s face suddenly shifted at the proximity, her tired expression turning into a smile.

“I know, I’m just messing with you,” Nina blushed at the words as she took a step back.

“I’ll take it.”

So this started out in my head as a vaguely serious fic about Kouda’s parents and their expectations of his hero work versus the reality of being a hero in the city. But then I had some wine, and suddenly the idea of asshole housemates seemed like the funniest thing ever.

Dear Mom and Dad,

The letter was long overdue. He’d have preferred to e-mail, but his parents weren’t so great with technology. Grandpa was the only one who used the internet much, and that was mostly so he could watch the horse races that didn’t get broadcast on TV. Phone signal was never reliable out on the farm, and text messages could take hours to get through some days. Phone calls had a habit of cutting out, and that was assuming Kouda was feeling up to talking for that long.

So, letters had to do.

Kouda had a make-shift desk in his room, an old dining table shoved against the wall under the window, with cardboard box files stacked up at one end for any paperwork he took home. A desk lamp would use too much electricity and they were trying to keep the bills low, so sitting by the window meant he could make the most of the daylight.

Chewing on the end of his pen, Kouda thought back over the past month, trying to decide where to start his letter.

It’s been six whole weeks since I started as a support hero! Graduation feels like ages ago - so much has happened since then.

Shouji was the only one who’d fully inspected the share-house before they signed the contract. He’d shared pictures with the rest of them and told them it was fine. They should have known better than to trust Shouji ‘furniture is for the weak’ Mezuo.

“Out of five rooms, only one has a bed. Shouji, you said it was furnished!” Ojiro thumped down the last few stairs as Shouji and Sato brought in yet more boxes labelled ‘kitchen’. Shouji opened his box, while Sato left the room again.

“Don’t you all have futons?”

“Yes, we have futons. We also have aches and pains from fighting people on a near-daily basis and I, for one, would like to come home at the end of the day and collapse on to a beautifully supportive orthopaedic mattress.”

“I will fight you all for the bed.” Tokoyami added another box to the kitchen pile. “One by one or all at once, it doesn’t matter.”

“Tokoyami, you fell asleep on a pile of laundry once. You don’t need the bed.”

“Dark Shadow needs the bed.”

“Is Dark Shadow paying rent?”

“Dark Shadow has no comprehension of financial matters.”

“Then Dark Shadow doesn’t get a bed.”

While the three of them bickered, Kouda quietly took one of his boxes up the stairs, checking each room one by one. He found the bed on the third floor. Unfortunately, Sato had found it first.

“Uh...Dibs?”

Kouda took his box down to the floor below. Sato might have the bed, but he also had three flights of stairs to climb at the end of each day. He claimed a room, then went back down to the kitchen, where Shouji was apologising for the shortage of dining chairs.

“We could buy another chair. How much do dining chairs cost?”

Kouda rapped a fist on the doorframe to get their attention. He pointed upstairs, and signed Sato’s name.

“If Sato has the bed, he doesn’t get a chair,” Tokoyami announced. The other two looked at each other, and shrugged.

“Problem solved.”

Adjusting to life out of the dorms was strange at first, but we’re getting used to it. Doing our own cooking, cleaning and laundry - we’re all helping each other out and learning from each other.

“Tokoyami, why is my hero costume grey?” Ojiro held up his gi, still slightly damp.

“That could be a good look for you.”

“Why is your black T-shirt in the machine with my white uniform?”

“It was dirty. You didn’t have a full load.”

“You can’t mix dark clothes with white clothes in the washing machine!”.

“Is that so? I’ve never had a problem mixing my clothes in the wash.”

“All your clothes are darks!”

Living in a share-house means we share our meals, and it’s good to cook and eat together after a hard day’s work.

Shouji opened the cupboard door. The same cupboard he’d already checked three times.

“Sato, can you google ‘how to split one pack of ramen between five people’?”

“We just did grocery shopping two days ago!”

Kouda was busy measuring rice into the cooker. He tapped Sato’s shoulder and held up three fingers.

“Okay, so three servings of rice and a pack of ramen. That should cover all of us. What about meat? There should be some diced chicken in the fridge.”

Tokoyami appeared in the doorway, a juicebox in one hand.

“There’s no chicken left.”

“Tokoyami, you’re literally the smallest out of all of us, so how come you can eat more than any of us?” “I’m eating for two.”

Dark Shadow hovered over his shoulder, and stage-whispered in his ear. “Chicken?”

“No chicken.”

Shouji checked his pockets and pulled out a handful of coins.

“Sato, how much meat can we get for this much?”

Sato counted the coins.

“Two portions of chicken nuggets?”

Kouda checked his own pockets, and dropped some coins into Shouji’s hand.

“Three portions.”

“CHICKEN!”

“Dark Shadow, behave.”

Working as a support hero keeps me busy, but I’m meeting lots of new and interesting people. Last week I helped some other heroes to save a girl from a kidnapping, and her family were really nice to me afterwards.

Kouda was breathing heavily when he finally got back home, and he took a moment to lean against the inside of the door. Ojiro stepped into the hallway, in the middle of drying a pan with a tea-towel.

“Nakamura-san again?”

Kouda nodded, before bending down to unfasten his shoes.

“Kouda, I keep telling you to just take a different route home.”

Kouda made a series of gestures, while rolling his eyes.

“You did? So how’d she find you?”

He pointed over his shoulder.

“She was outside the house?” He nodded. “Oh, man, that’s rough. Is she still there?” He shrugged. Ojiro put down the pan he was drying, and called the other three housemates into the kitchen.

“Nakamura-san is still hassling Kouda. She found out where he lives.”

“Where we all live,” Sato countered, as Shouji threw up all six hands in frustration. “She makes me nervous.”

“Can we call the bar and make a complaint?” Shouji looked to Kouda, who shook his head.

“We already tried that,” Ojiro explained. “Since she’s not doing anything while she’s working for them, they said there’s nothing we can do. Kouda, if your agency tries to send you on any more jobs in the red light district, you have to say no! I don’t care how many rats and roaches there are for you to work with - you’re under-age! You shouldn’t be seeing the stuff that goes on in those bars.”

“I have an idea,” Tokoyami said. “But you won’t like it.”

They all looked at Kouda, who considered for a moment, then gestured for Tokoyami to explain.

“If she’s taken to following Kouda home, then we could invite someone else over to walk home with him.”

“Tokoyami, Kouda doesn’t need anyone to fight for him. And Nakamura-san isn’t violent, she’s just...affectionate.”

“Aggressively affectionate,” Shouji corrected.

“So we invite someone even worse.”

Three chairs scraped back from the kitchen table. Sato was already standing, so he couldn’t do the same, but he stepped back all the same.

“Nope.” “No, it’s not worth it.”

“But he would - “

“Tokoyami, we are not inviting Mineta into this house.” Ojiro’s tail twitched as he spoke. “Kouda, we’ll all go to the bar with you, when Nakamura-san is working, and we’ll have a talk with her. Explain to her that saving her from that gang was just part of your job, and that she’s a very nice lady but you just don’t see her that way.”

“And if that doesn’t work?”

Ojiro took a deep breath, considering their options.

“Then we have to move.”

I’ve seen all sorts of new places all over the city. Every day is an adventure!

“Kouda, we’re definitely lost. No, don’t shake your head at me - look! Look at the little blue dot on the map. The dot is moving away from our apartment. That’s us, we’re the little blue dot. We are heading in the wrong direction. What do you mean, it loops around? The train does not loop. Trains go in straight lines, and this line is pointing the wrong way. Why did you pick this route? A cat? A cat told you which train to catch. Does the cat know how to use Google Maps? Because I do, and Google Maps says we’re heading in the wrong dir - what are you doing? Leave my phone alone! Why are you spinning the map? Don’t - wait, you can do that? So we’re heading east, not - Oh my god, Kouda, you have blown my mind, I did not know you could rotate the map like that! I am so sorry, I shouldn’t have - wait, was that our stop? That was our stop! We missed -”

I miss you both, and grandpa. I know you said you’d visit, but you really don’t have to - it’s a long trip and the trains aren’t cheap, and besides, I can come home and visit you soon.

“This place is like a pig-sty! When was the last time anyone mopped this floor?” Ojiro had broken out into a sweat. Kouda felt tired just watching him. “Guys, my parents are going to be here in less than two hours, why are there still cobwebs up there? Kouda, I thought you told the spiders to stay away!”

Tokoyami looked up from his seat on the kitchen counter, where he was flipping through a magazine.

“Kouda says the spiders have unionised and are threatening to stop catching flies if we remove their webs.”

Ojiro swept past him, his tail ‘accidentally’ knocking Tokoyami’s magazine out of his hands.

“Maybe if you cleaned the dirty dishes in your room, there wouldn’t be any flies in the first place.”

“Dark Shadow likes the ambience.”

“Dark Shadow’s a lazy slob.”

“Yes, he and I have had words about that.”

Ojiro shoved the broom into Tokoyamis’ hands.

“Sweep. Like your life depends on it. Because it does.”

In the doorway, Shouji wiped a feather duster over the lintel.

“Ojiro, the place is clean enough. And your parents are hardly going to inspect everyone’s bedrooms.”

“Yeah, that’s what they want you to think.” Having delegated the sweeping, Ojiro switched to spraying the kitchen surfaces with spray-cleaner. “But my father would find dust in an operating theatre, and and threaten to cut off the surgeon’s allowance for it.”

“You don’t have an allowance.”

“He’ll find something to cut off.”

“See, this is why I don’t invite my parents to visit.”

Kouda interrupted them all with a powerful sneeze. They all turned, startled, as he succumbed to a second, then a third.

“Too much dust?” Shouji asked. He nodded. “You should go upstairs out of the way.”

As he climbed the stairs, he heard Ojiro scolding Tokoyami once more.

“See? That’s how much dust has built up. You made Kouda sick.”

“I would never!”

“You would and you did. Clean, birdman, or I’m going to let my mother see your room.”

“Betrayal!”

But no matter how strange and new it all is, and no matter how far I am from home, I have my friends with me. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

The only light in Kouda’s room came from the streetlamp right outside his window. Downstairs, he could hear Sato rattling around in the kitchen, cleaning up his latest kitchen experiment. From the room across the hall, came the sound of Ojiro banging on the floorboards, annoyed by the sound of Sato cleaning up his latest kitchen experiment. From the room next to Kouda’s, Shouji’s meditation music filtered through the walls, as Shouji tried to drown out the sound of Sato cleaning up and Ojiro banging on the floorboards.

His futon was spread out at the very edge of his room, and he sat up, a pile of cushions between him and the wall. Tokoyami lay beside him, his head in Kouda’s lap.

“You lived underneath Shouji in the dorms in first year. Did he play his music so loud back then?”

“Thicker walls,” Kouda whispered. His fingers stroked slowly over the black fluff at the nape of Tokoyami’s neck.

“At least I’m not due at work until tomorrow afternoon.” Tokoyami stretched, and turned so that he could look up at Kouda. “How about you?”

“Morning shift.”

“That’s rough.”

They sat a while longer, as Ojiro left his room and went to knock on Shouji’s door to complain about the music.

“There is a way we could drown out the noise,” Tokoyami said, reaching out for Kouda’s free hand.

Kouda looked at him, waiting for an explanation.

“Really loud sex.”

Their laughter brought footsteps to Kouda’s door. They apologised profusely to Ojiro, promising they would try to go to sleep as soon as they could.

I miss you all, and I’ll try to write more frequently.

Love,

Kouji

Pardon. Je suis très en retard!

Whoa!! I am so overdue for our last Paris blog. My excuse is...none!! Let’s get started.

August was full of packing, cleaning and saying goodbye to our dear friends, our favorite restaurants and the lovely streets and cafes of Paris. And...a 2 week trip to Nice on the Rivera!

Although I don’t have pictures I went to a Women’s Full Moon Circle on a shady part of the lawn outside the Louvre. About 10 of us spread out a blanket, some people lit candles, burned incense, displayed crystals and shells and we began our celebration of cycles, sharing and setting intentions. Unbeknownst to us, we were right on top of some sprinklers, which started up about 15 minutes into our gathering. We all scrambled to gather all our stuff and resettle ourselves in a sunny but dry part of the garden. We were all soaked so many of us removed all the clothes we could and not get arrested (in France that is probably most of our clothes), dried out and continued. I really wish I had gotten a picture of it!!

Before I headed to the Circle I had to go to the phone store, which was not too far from the Paris Ritz. I’d never been there, I had the time, so I stopped in to get a Cafe Creme (sorry, my accents aren’t working). I was the only one in the cafe, and I was treated like, well, like it was the Ritz!! The coffee was truly the best I’ve ever had. I knew it would be expensive and I didn’t ask how much when I ordered, and I was shocked when the bill came to 16 Euros (about 20 dollars)!! I mean, I know its the Ritz, but still! We are talking about .50 of coffee!

On the 13th of August, Richard and I went to Nice for a 2 week vacation. We stayed at Le Royale, right on the Promenade des Anglais on the beach. We got a demi-pension, meaning we had breakfast and dinner included. What we didn’t know is that most of the people opting for this were a bit older than us!! The breakfast was fabulous but the dinners were in a hot banquet room (they said the AC was broken and there were only 2 windows that could open) with OK food, so we mostly opted for dining out at night. Our room was fabulous with a double floor-to-ceiling window that when opened, almost removed the wall.

We spent every day on the beach. It is very rocky so we bought chairs and umbrellas and definitely got our money’s worth out of them. The rocks would get very hot so I started using them to cure my Planter Faciitis! We couldn’t believe how many people would just lay down a towel and basically have a hot stone massage on their backs and broil to a crisp on their fronts! And many women went topless so...ouch!!

The 15th of August is a national holiday--The Assumption of Mary.  There was a parade, which, despite looking for it,  we missed. But the fireworks in the harbor were right outside our window and we got a fabulous view of them. We felt very welcomed to Nice!

There aren’t too many prominent memorials to the victims of the horrific terrorist incident in 2016 when a man drove a truck down the Promenade des Anglais and killed 86 people and injured hundreds of others. This memorial was right across from our hotel which was just about where the truck was stopped. We were so happy that it didn’t stop tourism and the city was packed with holiday-goers, many of whom were, surprisingly, from Russia.

At the beginning of the second week I was leaving the beach and a woman walked by who looked vaguely like someone I knew--a friend of our friend Greg. I dismissed it but the next day I saw her on the same beach we went to. So I basically stalked her, walking by where she was sitting about a dozen times. Finally I took a chance and asked if her name was Agnes. Unbelievably, in all of France, at all of the beaches in Nice, it was her at the same beach we frequented. We chatted every day after that and went out for drinks one night. BTW, I had the best martini I ever had at the Cafe LaLiberte. In fact, I had 2 and Richard said my French improved greatly the more I drank!!

So we ate out. I won’t show every meal, just trust me when I say we didn’t get a bad meal anywhere, any time, for any price.

All over France are these North African/Middle Eastern take-out places advertising kebabs. We never ate at any of them in Paris, even though there was one just on our street. But the first day we tried one for lunch. I expected chunks of some kind of meat on a skewer, perhaps put into a pita. But what they call kebabs are what we call gyros or schwarma. The first day we got a sandwich each and they were fabulous. So we got them every single day we were there. I brought a container and emptied the insides of the pita into it and had my kebab salad. Richard basically became a member of the family by the end of the 2 weeks and had a warm goodbye to the guys who served us.

Every day there are vendors walking beach selling hats, cover-ups, blankets, etc. and cold drinks and sandwiches. Our favorite vendor was a woman about our age, very fit, selling “cold drinks, cold beer, sandwiches”, carrying 2 big freezer packs full of stuff. She was always calling out “Allo, allo” and pointing to people the way Hillary Clinton did during speeches like she recognized you. We always brought our own water, but we decided on the last day to get a drink from Allo Allo. She was extremely nice and we had a little chat about her business and what she does in the off-season--work another job. 

Lastly, the water. The color is magnificent. So many shades of blue, just exactly the right temperature, and even with a few fish swimming around making wearing goggles worth it. We enjoyed 14 days of sunshine and perfect temperatures and we really miss it now that it is getting cooler. We will be back.

So ends our 2d Paris year. We don’t have plans for another year abroad at this point, but I’m sure we will be discovering other parts of the world as well as Paris in the future. We enjoyed every day we were there, made some wonderful friends and miss it every day.--SH

B.C. (before covid)

The alarm buzzed for the 5th time in a row and once again I reached through my blankets aimlessly until my hand came into contact with the hard glass surface that was my phone. I turned off the alarm before lazily tugging at my lime green curtain near my head until sunlight started streaming through it. My small bedroom was instantly ten times brighter.

Rubbing my eyes, I realized that I slept in way later than planned. Every time I woke up earlier I checked for a message from my boyfriend. When it didn’t arrive, I assumed he slept in after working late closing the bar we both worked at. Now it was almost noon though and if one of us didn’t make some sort of effort to communicate we might waste the entire day. It’d been a while since we shared a day off and the quality time was overdue. I quickly texted him: “Hey handsome.”

Rolling out of bed in my oversized Bernie Sanders shirt, I walked towards the living room. My mom had the nicest bed in the whole house but she never slept in it, always claiming the smaller couch in the living room as her bed each night. I think the California King in her room was too big for her— made her feel alone. “Morning.” I mumbled, pausing to praise and pet our small dog. Dahlia looked like a puppy still but it was just her breed, being part Chihuahua made her naturally tiny.

“Hey. What’re your plans today?” My mom inquired, looking away from Lost to greet me with a smile. Mom was always watching something new TV, it amazed me that she never ran out of shows or movies to explore. She lost her job several years ago and never quite got back on her feet; My older sister and I have been handling the bills and counting our blessings that the mortgage of our house has been paid off. Mainly I counted my blessings for my sister; when everything first happened she’d moved several hours away from home for work and I’d been the main person responsible for looking after everything. We pulled it off for several years but it was stressful- the relief I felt for having her home knew no bounds.

Glancing at my phone and frowning to see no response, I replied: “Zack and I talked about going to the beach but I kinda thought he’d text by now.” Shrugging, I go back to petting Dahlia. “Who knows.”

We were smoking weed on the back porch a bit later when there was a knock on the front door. We both frowned at each other, Mom asked: “Are you expecting anyone?”

It was Zack. He woke up and headed straight over- as was our plan. What kind of millennial doesn’t text when they’re on the way though? I smiled, loving the fact that he managed to surprise me even when we had definitive plans.

We ended up leaving pretty late as I hadn’t been expecting him and needed to get ready still. Me changing into my bathing suit turned into us pausing to have sex and cuddling before finally dragging our lazy asses towards his car. “Let me drive!” I insist, pausing at my black sedan and frowning in advance. If I knew him he’d insist otherwise… despite having just driven over an hour to meet me at my place. The least I could do was drive the hour to the beach.

Shaking his head and continuing to his car without pausing, he dismissed that idea quickly. “Nah, I already have the cooler and beach stuff in here. C’mon.” I caved quickly. I’m a sucker for when he actually plans ahead and makes a decision when I can’t seem to. Plus, knowing us we’d end up arguing at some point in the day. Might as well dismiss the little stuff.

NPR started as his car did, the monotone speaker going on about how the coronavirus had reached the US and numbers continued to climb. Worries were increasing. Zack cut the radio, sighing heavily as I pointed him in the right direction. “I’m never going to get that job now.” His frustration was apparent. He’d been hoping to get a full time gig at his big brothers company. The past few months he’d been working part time, helping them run booths at conventions throughout the country. While the work was long and laborious, he always came back from the trips excited to tell me all about it. It seemed obvious to me that he really liked the work.

After returning home from a convention in Boston the week prior, he told me confidently that he was hoping to quit our mutual bartending job to work there full time instead. He seemed so excited about the possibility- now a few days later the idea seemed like a whisper of a dream.

I didn’t know what to say. He was right, there was no way their business was going to be hiring anytime in the next few months. Despite that, the pandemic didn’t feel real to me. I wonder if it did to him at that point.

It was a gorgeous day under the sun. As we pulled up to the entrance of the beach, I couldn’t contain myself: “I hope it’s empty. God, I really hope it’s empty.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be empty because I liked the personal space or because I was worried. I think the former more so.

Glad to get my wish, we set up camp at a good distance from anyone else. It was a gorgeous day without a cloud in the sky. The breeze was cold but the sun was hot, Zack had beer and I smoked several bowls. It was beautiful.

As I regained phone service I began searching for places to eat. Although we were at my favorite beach, it was a rare occasion that I actually went out to dinner after visiting it. As we were traveling over the overpass that got us to the beach, I frowned in surprise. “There’s a little place right under this bridge.”

Zack looked at me skeptically but followed instructions to turn almost immediately, going on a small road that lead to a little place directly under the bridge we just traveled over. The place was packed with live music and dinner tables on the pier overlooking the water. “I can’t believe I’ve never been here before.” I marveled as Zack maneuvered the parking lot and took one of the last open spots.

We got a table on the water and ate way too much food. I had a few margaritas and Zack a few beers. I tried mussels for the first time.

We pulled over at my favorite hiking spot on the way home just so I could pee, both of us squinting on the dark country road as we attempted to find an appropriate spot to pull over. I remember feeling light and happy and careless when I walked into my house that night, only to be hit with the most serious and somber atmosphere. “Did you hear the news?” My big sister Emily asked, her eyes large and alert.

Having spent most of the day without cell phone service, I genuinely hadn’t heard and told her that much. Zack wandered off to go pee and I braced myself for the news. “Disney is closing on Sunday night.”

“What?” I asked, not really able to comprehend the news. Disney never closes. Still, the scale of the situation didn’t quite hit. “Maybe we’ll get busy then!” I bartended at a resort on Disney property and it had been ridiculously slow as of late.

Emily shrugged. “All of the movie releases pulled out. Maybe you will be but…” She trailed off. Her face was pale. It still hadn’t hit me that life as we know it was going to change for the foreseeable future.

Hi Guys - TL;DR at the end. Also swearing is a thing. JS

So uh, its been a while *waves* a lot has been going on for me. I’m actually kinda surprised that basically all of you are still here sticking around and stuff.

A lot has happened so far and first thing I gotta say is how the fuck is it May. I feel like a tornado of bullshit has swept through and sped up time or something.

I was in a course that went to work experience and to a POSSIBLE job. It all went to hell basically. I unraveled some pretty dodgy stuff going on and then I basically got pulled out due to a combination of that and my anxiety/panic going through the roof.

Things were kinda ok for maybe a week. At some point there (its a little hazy honestly, so much has happened) in like...March idk. We picked up a new puppy. His name is Leo, he’s a Cardigan Welsh Corgi and he is fucking adorable.

My mum, who is bipolar was really super duper excited about getting Leo because her family used to raise corgis for show when she was a kid/teen. Shortly after we got Leo..maybe 1-2 weeks the shit pretty much hit the fan.

I presented to my (new) doctor with this huge range of worsening symptoms that could be put down to a combination of things (weight/anxiety/bipolar/etc) but I wasn’t really sure. Doc ordered a CT scan. It came back negative BUT they found a weird lump that they weren’t sure what it was, and recommended an MRI. Meanwhile I had the biggest blood test I’ve ever had (from vitamins to hormones to HIV testing - yep that fucken intensive). MRI wasn’t covered by medicare unless it was referred by a specialist. Specialist wasn’t covered by medicare! So smart. So I had to go pay for that, which was fun.

Thankfully it turned out to be a weirdly shaped and located lymph node, which I’m happy to just pretend not to be concerned about being told that one of my lymph nodes is weird by a doctor...for now.

While this was happening, my mum’s leg swelled up really huge. HER doctor thought she had a blood clot and she was rushed to have emergency scans and ultrasounds done. Thankfully no blood clot, buuut she’s been diagnosed with some....vein disease. Probs cause she’s a smoker. IDK.

AND on top of that, shortly before we got Leo, my step dad, who is a truck driver, was injured at work. He fell out of a new truck that was higher but had fewer steps compared to all the other fleet trucks. During all the health scare fun with me and my mum, he was having his own scans done and they were investigating whether he would need an urgent knee replacement. So he was off work a lot, and couldn’t get hardly anything done. Turns out he now has osteoarthritis, and the fall (and a second fall down our back steps a few days later) caused a bad flare up. He WILL need a knee replacement eventually, but for now he has all these weird unnatural posing excercises to do insted.

ANYWAY MOVING ON. 

So because of all these things happening - mum getting super excited about the dog, and then super worried thinking she would die from a blood clot and then my thing, and my step dad being badly injured and then trying to take care of a HYPERACTIVE puppy.. it pretty much triggered mum to have a manic bipolar episode.

She started getting paranoid, getting delusional, not sleeping..and then saying all the weird shit she usually does (”the man across the road is a pedophile (there isn’t a man - a lesbian couple who train dogs have lived there for about 8 years), “the man next door’s dad tried to get me to deal illegal tobacco at the school”, “i experienced the dreamtime and a kangaroo jumped through me” ETC).

It got to a point where she became unmanageable (she woke me up multiple times in the night saying weird shit, going through my phone, talking to one of my cats) and we convinced her to willingly go to her hospital where she’s normally treated and sign herself in. That’s what normally happened. Instead, her treating doctor was on leave and hadn’t notified us, and there were no beds. She and my step dad waited for 13 hours for a bed, that was then given to a patient who was sectioned (for those not in the know, it basically means you are given a legally binding order by medical professionals/paramedics/police to go to hospital and you can not leave). They were going to transfer her to a hospital nearby. Said hospital has treated her before, but it was the hospital her dad was treated at before he suicided, so she doesn’t have a good relationship with it. So basically she was like no. Fuck you. I’m not sectioned, I’m voluntary, and you can’t make me go there. I’m going home. She got home at midnight. I’d babysat the dog for the whole time. It was exhausting. I was asleep. I didn’t know she was home until she came in and woke up my partner and myself multiple times telling us we werent breathing and we were going to die. She didn’t sleep at all that night.

Next day I called an ambulance. She was tranquilised and sectioned. We ended up having to take her to a different hospital and I waited with her for 12 hours before she got a bed. She’s been there ever since.

After a week, our phone and internet suddenly disconnected. I couldn’t find any bills - she’d seemingly thrown them away. Then I found a disconnection notice for our electricity in the letterbox. Its just been...a nightmare. I’ve hardly left the house aside from times where my step dad went to work late so I could buy groceries and sort out really important stuff. All other times I’ve had to look after Leo, who is now teething and is so badly behaved. He hasn’t been able to start puppy preschool because of the ever-changing schedule of appointments and leave and my step dad’s work... honestly so far this year can die in a fucking fire.

Every time I sit down for a second and take my eyes off Leo, he’s destroying something. I feel like I’ve been shoved into a single parent role, locked in and had the key melted down into molten sludge before my eyes.

So that’s the reason I haven’t really been talking. I’ve only occasionally popped on and reblogged a few things here and there. I want to try and get back around to being active in downtime, when Leo is asleep...if I’m not doing housework and shit. But yeah. THat’s about it. I feel like I should sell my biography rights to channel 7 to write into a Home and Away season -_-

TL;DR my training course went to shit, we got a puppy, everyone had major health problems/scares, then my mum went manic and is locked up in hospital and I found out our bills were all so overdue we almost got our power cut and shit. And now I’m looking after a dog 24/7 and YEAH fun times.

effortless grace.

All praises to the Most High. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful and beyond blessed to be His. I wish I had the right words to express how grateful I am. 

You see. I have been going through it. All the mess: I’ve been jumping hoops through it. I started working for a company, I built up the department by my lonesome, developed a plan for them and they stole it. Then they fired me. Can you say broken? I felt destroyed. Not only because I had just upped & packed my whole life to a new location so I could commit to this career, but also because I had spent countless hours developing a business plan for what I thought was my “team” only to have it stolen from me. I was crushed. Yet, I stood stall. Next thing you know, I find out I’m pregnant and a few hours later, I had a miscarriage. Home, alone & afraid, shit was REAL! Needless to say, I still strapped on my armor of glory and I held my head high in prayer. Well, actually, I bared it all and feel face first to the floor, weeping and praying and thanking God? Yeah, thanking Him. For all that I’ve been given, though much has been taken away, much more has been given to me. 

Let me tell y’all how I sent ONE resume out. ONE! Then I interviewed and forgot about it. I just got obsessive with my worship and prayer, to the point that nothing else mattered. I had completely forgotten about needing a new job. Bills weren’t due over overdue and nobody’s been calling my phone asking for money, so “out of sight, out of mind” was totally in action. I wake up this morning, pray, do my yoga, follow my whole routine and take my baby to the park for a nice little outing and when I get back... I have an email offering me the position!! Not only making more than I’ve ever made before, but also learning a whole new field that is 10000x more beneficial to my livelihood and well-being than anything I’ve ever done. Can you say GRATEFUL?! Look at God! In the words of Tamar Braxton, “Won’t He Do It?”!! 

I have to just give Him all the Glory because I surely didn’t deserve it. I surely wasn’t working for it. I surely needed it and never called out to God for it. So let me say this, give it all to Him. Bare it all to Him and believe that He will. Because He can & He wants to! 

Now let me gon’ and pray, do some night time yoga, force myself to take these vitamins (aint no reason for them to be this big!), and snuggle my baby! I have a long, long week ahead of me!

- Mama.

Universe Falls Preview

Here, have some fuckin cuteness. That’s basically what a lot of this chapter is gonna be is cuteness. You know, until we reach the parts with the pixelated yandere, then we hit horrorville but for now, fluff: 

“Ok, everyone! We gotta scoot in closer to make this one work!” Steven said, pulling in tighter to Connie as Dipper and Mabel did the same. The kids had spent most of their morning in a rather lighthearted selfie-taking session, mostly since there wasn’t really too much else to do and also because it was a generally relaxing pastime. After the hectic, daunting past few weeks they had had, all four of them had taken to reveling in every laid back, lighthearted moment they could manage together, knowing better than to ever take advantage of them again after how close they had all gotten to losing such peaceful times on a number of occasions.

“Alright, I think we’re ready,” Connie grinned as all the others did the same in preparation of the photo as she held her phone out further. “Say cheese!”

“Cheese!” all four of them proclaimed in bright unison as Connie snapped the picture, only for her to notice something was off about it as soon as she got a look at it.

“Aw, Steven! You blinked!” she scolded playfully, giving him a light shove.

“Whoops! Sorry…” the young Gem blushed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Hey, we can always take another one!” Mabel suggested blithely, running over to the other side of the clearing. “Hows about we try one with the view of the temple behind us? It’ll be so pretty!”

“Are you sure we don’t already have enough selfies already?” Dipper asked with an amused chuckle as they all went over to join Mabel. “I’m pretty sure Connie’s phone has gotta be running out of storage space by now.”

“Mm, actually, I think we should be good for a few more,” Connie noted, checking her phone once more.

“And besides, a group of friends can never have enough selfies!” Steven quipped cheerfully. “Huh, you know, those are some pretty good words to live by. I should really write that down...”

“Save it for later, Universe!” Mabel jokingly ordered as the kids all clustered together again with the temple in view behind them. “We got more selfies to take! Now, again, this time with feeling: cheese!”

The others all repeated this, bearing their biggest smiles as Connie attempted to take the photo, though it was a bit challenging seeing as how the screen and the camera button were both facing away from her, despite her continuously tapping at where she thought it would be.

“Did it take it?” Steven asked in a mumble, still holding his wide grin as he waited for the snap.

“I don’t know…” Connie replied, also maintain her smile as she continued her attempts at hitting the button.

“Maybe try pressing it again?” Dipper suggested, getting somewhat impatient with holding up his own smile, even though it was clear Mabel was ready to keep hers as long as she had to.

“I’ve been pressing it,” Connie assured, her grin starting to falter a bit as the photo still failed to take.

“You guys look cute.”

Steven gasped upon hearing this casual interruption to their selfie session, his photo-ready grin turning into a genuine one as he glanced across the yard at the familiar mailman who had just arrived at the shack. “Jamie!” the young Gem exclaimed excitedly as he ran over to greet him. While Connie, Dipper, and Mabel didn’t really know this young mailman, they followed suit, though not as bombastically as Steven did.

“What’s up, Steven?” Jamie asked coolly, his large sunglasses giving him an even more laid back look. “Long time, no see.”

“Ohhhhh myyyyy gosssshhh!” Steven shouted enthusiastically as he rushed to give Jamie a high five. “It really has been so long since I’ve seen you around here, Jamie! Oh, by the way, these are my friends: Connie, Dipper, and Mabel! Guys, this is Jamie: the mailman!”

“Greetings, Connie, Dipper, Mabel,” Jamie said to the kids with an amicable grin.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Dipper greeted affably.

“Nice to meet you, Jamie,” Connie nodded politely.

“I love your sunglasses!” Mabel quipped, beaming.

“Heh, thanks,” Jamie smirked as he adjusted said shades.

“So, where have you been all this time, Jamie?” Steven asked curiously. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here since the beginning of the summer!”

“Oh, you know, I’ve been spending some time where all the big movies are made…” Jamie began, his smile turning daring and dramatic. “Just a little place called… Kansas!”

“Kansas?” Dipper asked, confused. “Uh… don’t you mean Hollywood?”

“Oh, wow! Kansas!” Mabel interrupted, thoroughly impressed. “I heard that place is super glamourous! Did you meet any big-name movie stars while you were there?”

“But of course,” Jamie assured, crossing his arms.

“Like…?” Steven pursued eagerly.

“Like…. Uh… well… a bunch! I-its pretty hard to keep track of particular names when you’re rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, you know. But I did receive plenty of valuable inspiration while I was there.”

“Oh, are you an aspiring thespian?” Connie asked.

“Why, yes!” Jamie proclaimed with a bold, performer’s bow. “Yes, I am.”

“Wow! I didn’t know you wanted to become an actor!” Steven noted in amazement.

“That’s because-” Jamie suddenly paused, pulling off a dramatic spin as he clenched his fist passionately. “I’m very good at acting.”

The kids all got a good laugh out of this brief preformance, all four of them applauding it as Jamie bowed once again. “So that must be why you’re wearing those super cool sunglasses in the first place, huh?” Mabel asked, pointing to shade shades that read “movie star” across the top of them. “Cause you’re on the fast track to becoming a movie star yourself?”

“Uh, well, no…” Jamie blushed awkwardly, lowering his shades a bit. “I just bought these at a souvenir shop. I missed being a regular old mailman, so I just came back. And, uh, both you and Mr. Pines got a lot of mail while I was gone, Steven…” The mailman dropped the heavy sack he’d been toting, pulling it open to reveal an abundance of packages and letters that were long past late.

“Looks like the postal service has really been slacking off,” Connie noted, bewildered by all the undelivered mail.

“Jamie’s the only mailman who comes all the way out here to the shack and the temple,” Steven explained.

“Oh so that explains why Grunkle Stan’s been so upbeat lately!” Mabel exclaimed in realization. “It’s cause he hasn’t gotten any bills since the beginning of the summer!”

“Well, if that’s the case, then he’s in for a pretty major disappointment…” Dipper mused, glancing at the pile of overdue invoices intended for Stan lying on the ground.

“I’m also gonna need a lot of signatures as well,” Jamie said as he held his sign pad out to Steven.

The young Gem smiled, seemingly cracking his knuckles in preparation only for them to make no apparent sound at all. “Your knuckles are so quiet…” Connie said, impressed.

“My hands are polite,” Steven replied with a proud smile. Before he could sign however, the kids were caught off guard by a sudden rustling in the nearby trees, a familiar figure emerging from them a moment later.

“Oh! Hi, Garnet!” Mabel greeted the Gem leader first, though the other kids soon followed suit as she began to approach them.

“Who’s Garneeee-” Jamie trailed off, his jaw and his sunglasses dropping in awe as he glanced up and got his first glimpse of the Gem leader. Her form was stunning as she smoothly sauntered forward, the droplets of water drenching her sparkling in the midmorning sun. Her shades and neutral expression gave her an air of alluring mystery, one that Jamie couldn’t help but be immediately compelled by.

Her confidence only continued as she reached the group, placing a hand on her hip as she looked down to the group of kids with a casual greeting. “Howdy.”

“Hey, Garnet, whatcha up to?” Steven asked. “And why are you all wet?”

“I was just at the bottom of the lake, checking for signs of Lapis and Jasper,” Garnet reported. “Or at least as close to the bottom as I could get to…”

“Wait, what?” Dipper cut in, immediately interested in this development, seeing as how this was apparently the first time any of the Gems had done anything about the Malachite situation at all. “Did… did you see them?”

Garnet let out a soft sigh, shaking her head with apt sympathy. “No. It seems as though Malachite has trapped herself underneath a thick layer of ice just a few hundred feet down, one that spreads across the entire lake bed. I tried my best to penetrate it, but I had no luck. I’m sorry, Dipper.”

The most Dipper could do upon receiving such disparaging news was let out a small sigh of disappointment as he hung his head. He supposed it did make sense that Lapis would make herself and Jasper even more inaccessible than they already were, for the sake of protecting them all from the orange Gem’s fury. But, that didn’t change the fact that Dipper still wanted to help Lapis, just as much as ever, especially after how his last true lead has been so brutally destroyed. And though such a feat seemed even more out of reach with what Garnet had just told him, Mabel subtly reminded him that they’d get there someday by simply placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, one that this time, he didn’t push away.

“W-wow…” Jamie spoke up softly, looking to Garnet in complete amazement. “How are you able to swim to the bottom of the lake?”

“It was easy,” Garnet shrugged, adjusting her shades. “I’m a really good swimmer.” Jamie’s jaw simply fell even more upon hearing this, his eyes widening as he noticed the Gem leader’s visor seemingly change colors from pink to blue, as if by magic. Still, Garnet didn’t seem to notice how awestruck the mailman was with her as she readjusted her posture. “Excuse me,” she said before swinging her arms out gracefully, all of the lake water flying off of her form in a singular flash of light.

An astonished gasp finally escaped Jamie at this incredible sight, his heart pounding as he continued staring at the Gem leader and nothing else. Even if Garnet herself didn’t really pay the mailman’s clear awe any mind, the kids started to take notice of it, prompting them to exchange something of a confused glance. In fact, his wonderstruck gaze only continued after the Gem leader as she bid them all farewell and began making her way up to the temple, with Jamie watching her almost longingly until she had completely vanished from sight.

The Library in White Cedar by Edward Ahern https://ift.tt/2Zf6txu John Willman attends the death of a library, and stands to inherit its books; by Edward Ahern.

The two-day drive from Connecticut to White Cedar, Michigan was endless neon chain links - the same motels, gas stations, and restaurants sprouting up about every ten miles along the interstate. I was on my way to assist at the funeral of the library in White Cedar. My great, great grandfather, Thomas Willman, had provided the money to build the library and on his death had bequeathed his books to it. He'd specified that if the town closed the library the books should be returned to his heirs. I was the only surviving descendent the town had found, and I'd rented a large SUV in case the books were worth claiming. Cathy Bender, the town librarian, had been the one to call. Her voice had that slight midwestern nasality that some easterners find annoying but I had always liked. "Mr. Willman, praise the Lord I was able to find you. We need to talk about the Willman books in our library." "Call me John, please. What about them?" "White Cedars can't support the library any more, and has to close it." "Maybe get some cultural aid money from the state." "Ah. Well, they're radical Democrats and we're solid Tea Party, so they don't look too kindly on us." I paused. "Well, Cathy, I could be classified as one of those rad libs." There was a pause on her end. "Well, you seem nice anyway, John, we just won't talk politics." Or religion, I thought. Cathy and I spent the next fifteen minutes talking safely if boringly about White Cedar and its recent activities. Her voice had a pleasing brook burble to it, and I let her flow. I drove into town the late afternoon of the second day. The main street had only one traffic light - a flashing yellow. Many of the store fronts were papered over, and those still clear-glassed looked grimy. White Cedar was dying, one organ at a time, and it was the library's turn. There were no pedestrians, and the only hint of congestion was at the gas station cum convenience store. Beer sales apparently were still good. I parked in the overgrown lot of an abandoned Kmart and called Cathy. "Cathy? It's John Willman. I just got into town." "Depressing isn't it, John. The nearest motel is about seven miles down the state road, in case you've changed your mind about staying with me. My place is no Marriott, but it's comfortable, and I could use the money. I have WiFi." After two days of blurring Motel Six, Days Inn and Red Roof signs, I wanted local. "Still forty dollars a day?" "Yes. Is that too much?" "It's fine. I'm guessing meals aren't included?" "No, but the diner down the street is open early to late and could use the business too." It took a full three minutes to drive to her house. She was waiting on the front porch. "We've talked so much on the phone, John, I feel like I know you." Cathy was petite, slim and short haired. We said hello again and hugged because it seemed the thing to do. She felt nice. We walked my bags up to an upstairs bedroom and came back down into a front room stuffed with old furniture. She called it a parlor. "I can do credit cards, but if you pay me by cash or check it saves me money." My check book was seven hundred fifty miles away. "Ah, no problem, I'll just hit an ATM when I go for dinner." I looked at Cathy more closely. She'd graduated from forty, but then so had I. Her expression had a weathered, inquisitive quality, as if despite bad treatment she was still open to experience. "Look, if you haven't eaten, would you mind coming with me to dinner? You could fill me in on the library and what we need to do. My treat." She didn't bother to protest, which I liked. "Sure. I haven't eaten there in weeks." The diner had a faint background aroma of rancid grease. Cathy said first name hellos to the other eaters and the waitress and introduced me, although I assumed that they already knew who I was and why I was there. She didn't drink alcohol, so neither did I. After we'd coated our stomachs with fried food, we started talking about the library's last rites. "Once the elementary school closed and the kids started getting bussed to Smithdale, the library emptied out. There's no money to fix the building or buy books, hasn't been for years. My title is librarian, but I'm just an unpaid caretaker. "A book merchant will take all the other titles, John, but at thirty cents apiece. We'll get four thousand dollars, which will barely cover closing up the building and paying off the utility bills. Except of course for your great, great grandfather's collection. That's in a separate room. Doris Lunning, the last real librarian, limited access to the collection to what she called 'serious scholars.' Nobody claims to be that in White Cedar, so the collection just got dusty." I was familiar with dead ends - the childless remnant of the Willman line, with family records and photos mailed to me as other relatives had passed on. Records that included a listing of the books in the Willman collection. I'd emailed the descriptions to two dealers for initial appraisals. Cathy wore what looked to be an engagement ring on a right-hand finger. She caught my glance and puckered her mouth. "It's what you're guessing. Six years of un-bliss and a divorce. He was a jerk and I kept the ring. He left town." "Kids?" "No, thank the Lord. Although I wanted them." "Same story, different perspective. She left me for another guy, but did give the ring back. Keep it in my hope chest." Cathy laughed. The resonance was pleasant. Then her expression tightened into serious. "I've talked with the mayor about the Willman books. They were, after all, willed to the town. Wouldn't it be the right thing us to find another home for them? You could just sign a waiver giving the books to us." I wondered. If they were trying to get legal rights to those antique books there might be something more to them than paper lice. "Sell them off, you mean." "Yes, but as a collection that would be housed in another library, and would live on as a collection under the Willman name. You've seen what our town has become, we're in desperate need of funds. It would be beneficial for both you and us." I studied the four wilted French Fries left on my plate. "Interesting possibility, Cathy, but before I decide on anything, I need to know what the books are worth. It'll take a few days to hear back, and meanwhile I need to go through the library and verify their condition." She touched my hand. "That sounds like a polite no. Please don't slam the door on us, John, leave it ajar while we keep talking." I realized I didn't want to go back to suitcases and WiFi. "Is there any place left in town where you can watch me drink?" She laughed again. "We haven't sunk quite that far. There are two bars, one for the beer and shot crowd, and one with cocktail napkins under the glasses." "Upscale please." We could have walked to the bar, but I drove. Cathy also knew all five people there, and introduced me as 'the Willman heir.' I cringed, because it made me sound like someone ripe for donating. She ordered cola, I ordered scotch and soda. We avoided discussing the library, and peeked into each other's lives. I knew she was a born again Christian and staunch conservative, which took several other topics out of play. Cathy described losing her last job when the local car dealership closed, and having no immediate prospects for a new one. I downplayed my position in an academic think tank, but she called me out. "Don't give me that false modesty. I looked you up. You're a senior fellow. And a successful politician before that." She said it with a forgiving grin and I shrugged admittance. Our chatter quick-stepped from topic to topic, and I reluctantly called it a night after two drinks. I didn't want the one cop on night shift to bust me for DWI. On the drive back she offered to provide breakfast before we went over to the library, and I immediately accepted. Back at her house, we settled into saggy cushioned easy chairs in the living room. She kept surprising me. She'd gone to college on a scholarship, and used her teaching degree to get a job at the town elementary school. A job that disappeared when the school closed. The well-used house we sat in had been her parents and grandparents. Cathy was attached and beholden to a town that would, like her husband, leave her. When we stood up, I wanted to kiss her cheek, but just shook hands before I went upstairs. Once in bed, lights off, I realized it was too dark and too quiet. I missed my overdeveloped suburb and its white noise pacifier. I smirked after coming downstairs the next morning. We were both dressed in flannel shirts and jeans, ready for dusty work. Breakfast was healthy-yogurt, juice and whole wheat toast, and I guessed that Cathy had eaten her chicken-fried steak the night before as a gesture for me. The library building, a small Victorian, sagged both outside and in, and water stains blotched the paper on several walls. The building was uninsurable and probably uninhabitable. I raised an eyebrow at Cathy and she shrugged. "I warned you we were on hard times." The Willman collection was in an interior room, musty but still dry. It needed to be moved soon, before the cloth covered electrical wiring or a water leak attacked. But even dusty and unused it was impressive. Three hundred fifty books, about half of them leather bound, with several outsized folios. According to my list, the last book had been added in 1902. I'd brought my laptop, and I held it up toward Cathy. "Do we have service?" "We pirate internet from the auto supply store next door. They know about it, of course." Small towns are without secrets, and I assumed last night's house sharing was already under discussion. I'd started taking cell phone photos and sending them off to the book appraisers, when an overdue thought struck me. "Cathy, I'm guessing you've already had the collection evaluated?" She paused. "Sort of. We couldn't afford a real appraisal, but sent a list to the book dealer in Grand Rapids who's buying all the other books." "What did he offer for the Willman lot?" There was a longer pause. "Twenty three thousand. We have no idea if that's fair." "Neither do I. But I will. The two companies I'm using won't be bidding on the lot, so they'll hopefully be honest." Cathy left me alone in the Willman room and went over to the desktop computer at the checkout desk. After I'd sent off pictures and details I started browsing through the records, trying to get a feel for who my great, great grandfather had been. His obituary was fulsome with praise, but family gossip had told of a cunning and ruthless businessman. I wondered if the library building and the impressive books had been his repayment to all the townspeople he'd skinned. As I was gingerly leafing through the books, I got an email back from Dulters and Wilkins, one of the appraisers. "Advisory on the Thomas McKinney History of the Indian Tribes of North America, three volumes 1838, 1842 and 1844, inscribed by McKinney to Henry Clay and containing pasted-in Ex Libris bookplates of Henry Clay, signed by him. Impossible to provide formal valuation without physical examination, but initial indication unsigned is $170,000 and signed by author and Henry Clay $225,000. Other valuations to follow." I stared at nothing. The book dealer Cathy had mentioned would have at least a vague idea of the value of the McKinney books, which meant either he was playing the town of White Cedar or Cathy was playing me. She'd left me alone in the Willman room and after another hour I realized I wanted her company and walked over to the main desk. She was watching videos on her cell phone. In the three hours we'd been there not another person had entered. "Lonely work." "And I usually shirk it. I stay home, and just leave a sign on the entry door that anyone who wants to use the library should call me so I could open it up. No one does." I wondered if it wasn't equally boring at home, but said nothing. I lifted the countertop hatch, went into librarian territory, and sat at a desk facing Cathy's. "You should get out of here." "And go home?" "No, move out, find a town with a pulse, and get the teaching job you deserve." She showed me that smile again. "And leave all this? I get by, sort of, on alimony and some left over money. Nobody would buy the house, so I'd just have to board it up and abandon it. Except for college, everything I know and am is here, including my church Moving away would be like abandoning a sick relative I should be caring for. Does that sound stupid?" "A little. But I've never had the relationship with place like you're talking about. Look, let's get out of Sleepy Hollow this evening. Bentonville is less than an hour away and according to my laptop has six restaurants and a multiplex theater. Could I entice you into a movie and dinner?" "Well aren't you suave. Of course. A woman my age shouldn't turn down a date." Once we'd locked up the library, we stopped back at Cathy's house to change before heading out. The speed limit plus ten conversation was haphazard, because our frames of reference not only didn't overlap, they almost didn't abut. Her temperament suited me, but I was a fervently liberal atheist intrigued with a born-again Tea Partier. Despite that, we laughed a lot. After we'd left the restaurant and gotten into my car, I turned to her. "Cathy, I need to tell you up front that I'm going to keep the Willman books. I feel about the books the way you feel about White Cedar. I want to shepherd them for one more generation. I'll be leaving in a couple days and will pack them up and take them with me." I studied her while I said this. She looked relieved rather than disappointed. "I had to ask about them, but that's fine, they're your books, after all." "It's great that you understand. I need to make a quick stop at the pharmacy before we head back." The ride back was quieter, the conversation more piquant. We'd only met the day before, and my departure was already in sight. Once back in her house we sat close together on the living room couch. We kissed, lightly, and then again more seriously. Without words we began to gently explore each other, the geriatric sofa complaining about our shifts in position. Cathy leaned back slightly and looked at me. "Does your pit stop at the out of town drug store mean what I think it does?" "Afraid so." "I appreciate your discretion." She smiled, and we resumed, two long abstinent adults relying on muscle memory. Once we subsided and snuggled together, the sofa got its revenge, and my twisted back began to cramp. Eventually I gave up and suggested she could share my bed, but she turned me down. "Your neighbors will talk no matter what we do." "Of course, but I don't want them confirming it by seeing two shadows in an upstairs bedroom window." We kissed and I went upstairs, carrying my wadded-up clothes in one hand. The next morning, I realized how much I missed a comfortable, not quite-fully-dressed conjugal breakfast, helping each other to set places, and serve the meal. In Connecticut I didn't even have a dog. "If you're willing to give me the library key, I can finish up with the Willman collection by myself, Cathy. But if you're not busy I'd love to have you there with me. We don't even have to talk about Thomas Willman, who by insider accounts was a bastard." Her half smile revealed slightly uneven teeth that I found winsome. "John, I'm feeling guilty about last night, and hanging out together is maybe not a good idea." "Please. Don't leave me alone with these mummified books." Her smile this time was open. "I suppose I have to keep an eye on you so you don't steal any of our valuable volumes." "Atta girl." We washed up the breakfast dishes and drove over to the library, where I reviewed the texted appraisals and answered questions that had come in since the day before. There were some other pleasant surprises. I took flattened cardboard boxes, interleaving sheets and tape out of the SUV, then started folding the boxes into shape and filling them with Willman books. Around noon I drove over to the quick mart, bought a couple drinks and premade sandwiches and brought them back for our lunch. The sandwich bread had the consistency of the cardboard I was assembling. I started in as we were finishing our colas. "Cathy, I'll be leaving early tomorrow morning, so no breakfast please." She said nothing, her expression a sad-serious it hurt to see. "But I hope we can go out to dinner again tonight." She still said nothing. "We're so different I think we'd be throwing knives at each other before the end of the month, but I also think you're wonderful." She stood up in silence and walked over to me, cupping my cheek in her palm. "Have you ever made love in a library?" "What? No." "Neither have I. But I've thought about it. There's a skinny sofa in the librarian's office." I locked the front door and we walked together into the back office. The settee barely had room for two posteriors, let alone two torsos, but we made do. Afterwards we stuffed the car with book boxes, cleaned up at her house and had another diner dinner. This time I tried with a Greek salad, but I didn't think a Greek would have recognized it. Once back at Cathy's house we sat on the sofa again, but just talked. For hours. When I finally went up to bed, I'd learned a great deal more about her, but still had to stand outside her viewpoints. She was like a Japanese scroll, with beautifully brushed kanji whose shapes I could admire but remain unable to appreciate the meaning of. In the morning, after coffee, I gave her a gentle goodbye kiss. "I've left a three-volume set on the bed upstairs, Cathy. They're yours to sell. A book a night, seems a fair room rental. There's a card inside the top book from a book appraiser - I've told him you'll be calling. "You could give the money to the town but there's not nearly enough to save it. There is enough to resuscitate you - get a teaching job someplace that deserves you. You could always come back and spend summers here, the winters probably suck anyway." "You said you were going to keep the books." "I lied. I needed to see if you knew the books were valuable and were playing me." Her expression hardened and quickly softened again. "I passed, so you made one?" "Something like that. Whatever you decide, in summer, who knows, maybe I'll call with a yen for your local chicken fried steak." She laughed again, and I carried the sound with me out to the car. The smell of old leather and paper permeated the interior on the drive back, reminding me that the rest of the Willman collection would allow indulgence in expensive habits for some time to come.