ty for pointing out that steve graduated on time despite a severe concussion and likely limited or non-existent support (esp considering how his dad reacted to the college thing). it's also worth noting that steve had no issues passing his classes throughout high school while playing and captaining at least 2 sports (3 if you count baseball [on top of other clubs and extracurriculars] from that yearbook thing they released post s1 i think). that's not easy to do. it also irritates me sm when they harp on steve confusing the names of things as proof that he's incredibly dumb or illiterate. esp the gumby thing when it's a fucking children's cartoon. even the german vs nazi thing makes sense in the context of him having a grandfather that fought in ww2, told him stories, and probably called the nazis germans. also v hypocritical when it's not commonly pointed out that the soviets are near exclusively called the russians. yet they always conveniently forget that steve is the only reason they figured out the russian code was coming from the mall (and, going by dialogue in the scene, was specifically the person that put together that the message was coming from the mall on top of recognizing the music and being the only person to pay attention to it - i always see the realization that the message is from hawkins misattributed to dustin) and the only reason they got out of the elevator in the same season where's he supposedly illiterate and incredibly stupid bc he confused the names of things. i stg ppl that do this so they can hype eddie up make eddie feel like my enemy.

Do I think Steve was getting A's? No. Do I think for the back half of his senior year he was working his ass off to scratch C's? Yes. VERY frustrating and honestly kind of hurtful when people keep calling him stupid about it! I interpret a lot of Steve's spacier moments to post concussive syndrome, and it's actually so impressive he's doing as well as he is especially in S3, just over seven months since billy, and is finished hs. Buddy bounced back! People love giving Steve migraines as a lasting symptom of his head trauma but don't acknowledge that focus and what I call "thinking speed" are also affected. Like yeah it'll take him a minute to process what is happening and formulate a response/plan, his brain was goop a few months ago! And S4 happens less than six months after S3 so like yeah. Clearly he's not at 100% we should all be so proud of him.

S1 sort of indicates he cruises through school when helping Nancy study. He's not a model student, and while one could argue teachers were more lenient because he was on sports teams and they wanted to win, that wouldn't have applied after billy beat him because he'd have had to take a leave from the teams, and it's the eighties so some teachers would potentially have thought "serves him right for fighting".

Steve is consistently making connections to things that others aren't! With the "realizing Russians in the mall" thing he is definitely leading Dustin to the conclusion. He goes "Indiana flyer? No way" or something to indicate that it's unlikely the message was from elsewhere, and he has already realized that the transmission is from Starcourt, and wants Dustin and Robin to as well. Just because Dustin said it doesn't mean he figured it out.

(I find people also attribute a lot of what Robin does and figures out to Nancy? Robin gets the newspaper that talks about Victor Creel being possessed by demons, Robin gets them into the hospital, Robin makes the connection to music as key to saving a victim. Stobin contributions so underappreciated smh)

Steve's quick on his feet and makes sure they're able to get out of the elevator with an Indiana Jones move! Without getting caught! I once saw someone saying it's Steve's fault they were trapped at all because he was older and should have put a stop to it, but. Did they think Dustin would drop it? And not explore by himself?? Also Steve's 18. Notorious dumbass decision age. (They also don't know the Soviets are in the mall, and then don't know it's an elevator) yeah it's a bad call, but where is this attitude for Nancy and Jon trying to expose the lab in s2 that absolutely would have known who snuck in and recorded Owens (why weren't they searched?) And then disappeared them. Like if you want to do that with Steve do it with everyone who has made a decision that potentially put people in danger. Hell, Hopper's the reason the lab agents go to the school in S1! He sells El out!

The German/Nazi thing is weird like. Everybody knew who he meant. What OTHER Germans would be a connection there. Yeah it's not "correct" but also. It's not wrong either. Especially when you're right! Russian/Soviet is used pretty interchangeably in the series I think even though many other countries were considered Soviets. Gumby/gumbo is such...a dumb thing to use as proof Steve is illiterate or whatever. Only one is a real word, and it's not Gumby!! Mixing up and confusing words is a normal thing, and these are one letter off and sound similar. Shit happens.

Him connecting Henry Creel to being a clockmaker? Logical conclusion to make given the emphasis the clock had gotten. He's also the one to find the pet siders and it doesn't mean anything even those were Henry's schtick. Literally they included that to make Steve look stupid for making a connection and then getting scared by spiders in his hair and I was just sitting there nodding along like wow same king you're so smart.

Idk I don't like comparing him and Eddie this way because it's not a competition? Frustrating when people try to make it seem that way. You don't need to drag Steve to make Eddie look good? Eddie wants to graduate, and I think it's probably a combo of him skipping and also not being good at/liking formal schooling and possibly some teacher bigotry that prevents him from getting a bit of slack that keeps him in hs. Eddie's good at what he likes and cares about (he's a brilliant guitar player!) And likely doesn't focus on things that don't interest him. That's fine!! But just because he's a rabble rouser and a weird guy and poor, doesn't mean teachers, for three rounds of grade twelve, held him back for no reason.

Idk it's like. Teachers can have biases and that can influence their teaching and interactions and expectations of students, but for it to happen twice to the point that Eddie didn't pass, seems very unlikely, because most teachers do want their students, even the ones that annoy them and they don't like, to graduate. It's sort of insulting to insinuate they would get away with it for three years without any other teacher complaining? Or calling them out? There are bad teachers out there but there are so many good ones too. Saying that the only reason he didn't is because of everyone but him and then turning around calling Steve stupid when he did a near impossible task? Seems weird. Don't agree. Bad take. Acknowledge people have different intelligences and can be better/worse at formal schooling than others and move on.

Simon “Ghost” Riley x (Chubby) Reader (Comfort)

Alright guys I’m back and ready to rock and roll. I have been MIA due to a death in the family and some other things going on in my life. This fic was requested by @igottabouncebounceinsideurbixh​ and I truly hope you like it. This is going to be a comfort fic, but if y’all want something raunchy y’all know to message me or ask. Without further hindrance of this fic I present to you Simon “Ghost” Riley being a caring loving man that we all know he is deep down inside. Warnings: PCOS symptoms, Talk of Panic Attack and Some Sexual Talk/Situations! I do not own Modern Warfare or any of the characters!

The day was getting worse by the minute as you felt the pain in your lower abdomen. You had been stressing about your condition for years now after you had joined Task Force 141 to be their hacker when the need arose. Price had specifically asked for you since you were the daughter of his Captain back in the day. That's right you were Captain MacMillan’s one and only child, and when Price had asked you to join them as their hacker you couldn’t turn him down which your father beamed with pride when you had told him.

Now though you weren’t sure this was going to work. The basic training that you did barely helped you lose any weight, and you were sure that your condition wasn’t going to do you any favors either. The condition you suffer from is PCOS which stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Your periods were never regular. The cyst when they ruptured were so painful they had to prescribe pain meds, and the weight you wanted to lose just would not go away. No matter how hard you trained with Soap or Gaz to help lose it it just stayed. 

Even when you changed your diet it still wouldn’t go away. You were nervously wringing your hands as you felt a panic attack coming on. Soap made you jump when he put his hand on your shoulder. “Lass, are ye’ okay? Yer white as a ghost”, he said. “I’m fine, just a little twinge in my side. Must be from the workout. “Well me and Gaz are going to run a couple miles if you want to hang back”, he motioned to Gaz as he stretched for the run. “I think I might go sit down for a minute”, you agreed. 

With a wave and grin from Soap they set off leaving you to relax for a minute, but relaxing would have to wait. Pain in your abdomen almost sent you to the ground as you swayed. You started to walk back to the barracks when another wave of pain took you to your knees. You could hear someone calling to you, but with the amount of pain you couldn’t make out who it was. Another cramp sent you all the way to the ground curling into a ball. A figure blocked out the sun casting a shadow over you.

When you looked up Ghost was starting to kneel down. “Easy dove I’ve got you. Gonna’ take you to the infirmary a'ight”, he soothed. He scooped you up into his arms as if you weighed nothing and started walking to the infirmary. “Ghost”, you sobbed as another wave of pain hit. “I know love jus’ hang in there”, he hummed. As he walked he noticed all the men staring at you. “What the bloody ‘ell are you lot lookin’ at! Get back to mindin’ your own bloody business!”, he yelled out. Within moments all eyes averted and got back to doing what they were doing before. 

You flinched as another wave of pain washed through your abdomen, and when Ghost’s eyes met yours he seemed to be in pain just like you. “Ghost what happened”, the female doctor asked. “She collapsed and seems to be in a lot of pain. It’s gotta be her condition”, Ghost answered. You let out another sob as the pain seemed to get worse. Within moments the Doctor had you in a private room and checked you over. “Well it seems that several cysts have ruptured, and I’m going to give you some pain medication to last you a couple days. I don’t want you doing any exercising or heavy lifting, or having sex until you feel better”, the doctor rattled off. Ghost sat in the chair beside you and nodded along with what the doctor was saying.

Doc prescribed you some pills, and made you take two of them while she was there to help get you some relief. “Now these pills make her dizzy and extremely tired. Keep an eye on her the next couple days”, she told Ghost knowing he would follow her instructions to the T. Once you had your discharge papers Ghost helped you to your room. He helped you sit down on the bed as the pain medication worked its way through your system. 

“Love, I want you to change and rest like the doctor ordered”, he told you. “Pass me tha’ shirt ova there”, you slurred as the drugs started taking their toll. He let out a small laugh as he grabbed a shirt then realized it was one of his. “Ya stole one of my shirts?” Ghost asked bemused. “It was warm and smelled like you”, you giggled until pain made you stop. “I ‘ave a couple more things I need to get done today, but I’ll be in to check on ya throughout the rest a the day”, he smiled underneath his mask. 

You stood to take off your clothes leaving you bare in front of him. You tried to hide your body as you pulled his shirt over your body. “Love you don’t need to be so self conscious I love you no matter what”, he admitted. “I’m not fit like you are. I’m fat”, you responded. “Enough of that love, besides I would be concerned if you were fit like me cuz then you would probably be a man”, he huffed a laugh. It got you to smile as he stepped up to you pulling you in close, lifting up his mask and kissed you. 

He helped you lie back down and he pulled the covers over you as the drugs made you fall asleep. Kissing your temple he pushed some hair that had fallen behind your ear. You mumbled his name and he smiled, pulling his mask back down and heading out to finish his day. By the time he got done it was late, and he knew that you wouldn’t have been able to go to the mess to get you some food. He went in and quickly filled two plates with

 Food then took off for your room.

When he opened the door you were sitting against the wall your bed was against hugging a pillow and crying. He locked the door then sat the food down walking over and pulling you to him. You buried your head into his neck sobbed as he held you and whispered soothingly to you. When you pulled away he watched you carefully. “I hate my body, it's ugly, fat and so broken”, you criticized. ‘

“No, don't ever say that love. Your body is fine the way it is. So what you have love handles. Means I have something to grab hold of when I rail you into the mattress or to hold you close to me. Or these thick thighs when they squeeze my head when I eat you out. Or these soft breasts that make the world's greatest pillows or something fun to play with. This is the body of a woman, not a girl. A strong woman who has a place on this team, and if anybody doubts that I’ll beat em to a bloody pulp”, he smiled as his hands wandered over your body. 

“I just feel like no matter what I do I can't lose weight”, you sniffle. “It’s alright love. We are all made different”, he told you. “Yeah but you could have a skinny fit girl in your bed instead of this”, you gestured to your body. “But I chose you, not some slag that couldn’t do the things you do. I will always choose you love”, he caressed your face. “Then why have you never told me your real name or shown me your face?”, you questioned. “I thought ya woulda hacked that information already”, he said. “Never I respected you too much”, you smiled. 

“My real name is Simon Riley”, he relayed. “Simon”, you breathed. His eyes snapped to yours when you said his name so softly. His eyes were hooded as he watched you think it over. “The name suits you”, you told him. He hesitated as he thought over revealing his face. “You don’t have to show me your face. Your name is enough”, you said, reaching up to caress his mask-covered face. He seemed to relax some as he stood up turning to grab the food. Maybe you had pushed a boundary by asking about showing his face.

“I brought you a plate you need to eat and I don’t want to hear it will make you fat. Your body needs carbs and protein to function”, he scolded before you could protest. He pulled his mask up to his nose and waited for you to start eating before he did. This is how it had been when he found out you were starving yourself when you first arrived. After that he would bring food to your room and make sure that you ate. That's how you had fallen for him not his physique although that was an added bonus, but his caring nature under the hardened exterior he built around himself. 

Ghost or Simon was telling you about early missions with Soap when Graves had betrayed them. “He was shaky so I started tellin jokes to help ease him”, he relayed. “What kind of jokes”, you interrupted. He watched you for a moment before he sighed heavily. “Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says you know how to drive this thing”, he said. You giggled and twitched when the pain started coming back. “You need another pill, love. Hold on I’ll get it”, he told you as he grabbed the bottle. 

“You got any more jokes?”, you inquired. He shook his head but answered, “Yeah I do”. “Well let me hear 'em”, you beamed. “Why don’t blind guys skydive?”, he said. You shrugged when nothing came to mind. “It scares the shit outta their dogs”, he finished. You giggled as you told him how awful but cute they were. You took the pills without hesitation, and sat back as he continued telling you about his time in Las Almas. Once he was done he noticed how your eyes started drooping, and knew you needed to sleep. 

“Will you stay with me tonight”, you yawned. He looked towards the door then shrugged, pulling his shirt off over his head and grabbing a pair of gray sweats he kept here for this reason. You watched as his muscles moved under his skin and how some of his scars caught the light. You groaned when he pulled his sweats up, giving you a full look at his ass. You have seen it a hundred times now, but it never fails to make you almost drool all over yourself. He chuckled when he heard you groan, “Doc said no sex until you feel better love”. 

“I just think she is jealous and wants you…. All to herself”, you yawn as the meds start to kick in. He moves into bed beside you and you curl into his side. As he sat there he kept replaying the words in his head of you asking to see his face. “Love, remember when you asked to see my face?”, he proposed. “Mhm”, you mumbled. “You can remove my mask if you want to. I trust you”, he answered. This had you shooting up beside him as you just looked into his brown eyes. “ Are you sure I mean I don’t want to overstep a boundary? I don’t want you to feel pressured into it…”, you rambled until he took your hands into his own. The heartbeat in your ears was deafening as he slowly put your hands on the bottom of his mask. You just sat there staring wide eyed unsure of yourself. “It’s alright love I chose you for a reason. I trust you”, he declared. 

You slowly lifted the mask in case he changed his mind until it slipped past his eyes and all the way off. You gasped and his eyes flickered open to see you smiling as you ran your fingers over his nose and cheekbone. “You have light brown hair”, you whispered as you combed his hair with your fingers. “Well Soap was definitely wrong”, you said caressing his face. “Wrong about what”, he said leaning into your touch. “That you were ugly under that mask. You're absolutely the most handsome man I have ever laid my eyes on”, you whispered as you leaned in to kiss him.

After a few moments you pulled away to place kisses all over his face and down his neck until he grabbed your arms pulling you to him. “What if I had an ugly mug under this mask?”, he asked in seriousness. “It wouldn’t have mattered. I chose you for a reason just as you chose me for a reason. Looks aren’t everything”, you admitted going in for another kiss. He pushed you away slowly even though he was enjoying it if the tent in his gray sweats were any indication. “It's time to rest, love. Doctors orders. We can do this another time when you're not in pain or high on painkillers”, he grinned as you pouted. 

“Fine but as soon as I’m not on pain meds or in pain I want you just like this”, you said nuzzling into him. “Just like what”, he said. “With your mask off under me as I ride you”, you slurred as sleep started to set in. “Bloody ell woman, I need to sleep too ," he chuckled. “Love you” you yawned. “Love you to dove”, he whispered. Within moments you were asleep and his mind drifted to his purchase a couple of days ago. The velvet box nestled in his tac pants right now was all he could think about. He would ask you when you were off the painkillers. Maybe after you made good on your promise of riding him he would get down on his knee and ask you to choose him again as he had chosen you.

—-------------------------------

The end guys! I hope you all like it and as always feel free to message me or ask me. I’m willing to make task force 141, Los Vaqueros and König fics so hit me up to add it to the list. Until next time 😀

Ermine Fayren

Age: 14 (pre timeskip), 16 (post timeskip)

Gender: male

Affiliation: Heart Pirates

Position: Sharpshooter, Jack of all Trades, shipboy

Abilities: Sharpshooting, Saki-Saki no Mi (Blossom-Blossom Fruit), Acupuncture

Appereance:

A young teenager of about 169cm height with short white hair and orengish eyes. His hair is disheveled and short, he wears a headband that partially keeps hair out of his face and a chocker around his neck with a heart cutout. He usually likes to wear his jumper half open and off his shoulders, held up by a belt. He wears another belt with two muskets left and right on his hips and a holster holding two more guns under his arms. On his upper body he wears a coloured T-shirt, a shortsleeved, open vest and arm warmers. On his right hand in paralel to Laws tattoo he has the word ALIVE tattooed on his knuckles. He also has a tattoo of a heart and a following, regular ECG strip on his chest. Being the fanboy that he is of their captain, Fayren mirrors him and wears the heart pirates jolly roger on his back.

Background:

Fayren comes from a family that initially stems from Flevance. His great grandmother left the city as a young woman, following a merchant she fell in love with. By that time she was already infected by the Amber Lead however the departure from the poisonous source slowed down its spread in following generations. The illness still took hold and was the reason for his greatgrandmothers, grandmothers and later mothers death. When Flevance became isolated and war raged against its people his mother had already been significantly affected. She was able to hide her discolouration and when she saw the symptoms on her two children she made them cover up as well and stay hidden from peoples eyes.

The family tried to not stay in one place for too long, as to not be found out and whenever possible they would try to get a home on the outskirts or out in the woods so the kids would be properly protected.

However, one day the mothers bandages slipped and she was found out. Before people could really realize what they saw she ran back home, grabbed her children and told them "Run into the woods, find shelter and don't come out, until I come to get you! No matter what, you must stay hidden!". They did as told and ran into the woods while a mob of frightened and angry villagers went in search of the mother and killed her. In the home they found signs of at least one child so they decided to search the area for that. Fayren and his sister Ginari found a hollw tree and managed to crawl inside and stay hidden as the villagers searched the area and talked about the Amber Lead syndrom, about its toxcicity and that it was contageous. However after a while they stopped their search and retreared. Fayren asked his older sister, if what they said was true and if they were dangerous now and ill, but she tried to calm him down, saying in all their time their mother never made anyone sick so it can't be true. Fayren was 7.

A few days the children could survive from the nature, but it got difficult at some point so Ginari told Fayren to stay in the hideout while she went and stole food. She rubbed herself with dirt and mud to hide the discoloration and managed to get away with her trick for a few days. But on one unlucky day she accidentally ran into an alleyway where someone threw water out, dowsing her in water and breaking her disguise. Despite being still a child she was hunted into the woods and eventually killed. It happened close to their hideout so Fayren heared it happen. However the villagers where sure that she was the only child and decided to retreat, before catching the disease from the still warm corpse. Due to the hideouts location, the wind and acoustics of the area, Fayrens crying and waling was seen as ghostly and dubbed a curse by the Amber Lead Syndrom infected people. They decided to close off a wide area of the forest and build a wall surrounding it, high and deep so it would not allow any spread of the contamination nor the curse to haunt the villagers. Fayren initially did not notice.

Now alone, Fayren had to survive by himself and spiralrd into a deep self hatred and survivors guilt. His family died, but he was spared. He was an infected monster and should never be in contact with people, but he couldn't bring up the courage of actually killing himself. In his quest for survival he eventually unwillingly eats a devil fruit. The "Blossom-Blossom-Fruit" that allowed him to create and let flowers bloom. But ONLY flowers. However he didnt realize that for a while and once he did he learned to use his powers to keep himself from starvation. He lived that way for several years. In that time his speech deteriorated and he started to draw pictures onto the walls with coal and chalk, just to keep himself somehow entertained. Most of these drawings depict his memories of his family or can be seen as daily diary entry.

At some point before Law came to Sabaody the Heart Pirates stopped at the Island for new rations, where they could see the wall even from a distance. When asking about why there was one, the villagers told them the story of the Amber Lead Curse, which immiedeatly shocked Law as he believed himself to be the only survivor and these events occured only a few years prior, way after he saw the complete genocide of his home. He decides to go and investigate, where he runs into Fayren who had long forgotten how to socialize, but never the fear of other human beings. So without hearing a word from Law he ran for his life, trying to escape with his devil fruit powers- however none of that helps when your oponent is Law.

Law manages to corner Fayren and force him to listen, telling him that he is a Doctor and CAN heal him. However Fayren doesn't believe it as so far the people who ever found out about his families illness only tried to kill him and in fact, did murder his mother snd sister. It also didn't help that he had forgotten a lot of the human language and had a hard time understanding Laws words. Law tells him that he too is from Flevance, but the name doesnt ring a bell as he was never there, but the people hunting him talked about it. It stops Fayren just enough that Law can tell him his story in short version and he asks Fayren when his symptoms started to which the boy finally starts to open up and properly calm down. While he has a hard time understanding and communicating, Laws refusal to actually hurt him makes him less vary and he accepts the offered help. He tells Law what he knows in simple words he can recall, or by drawing in the ground. He tried to communicate that this was aparently something even his grandmother had even tho he never met her, that his mother got it, that his father left as soon as the news and rumors about Amber Lead became widespread, how he and his sister got it and ultimately that his mother and sister were hunted and killed for it-- however Law didn't understand any of it, but from the drawings and what he heared from the towns people could make his own conclusions.

Law doesnt need long to cure Fayren completely, but does oversee him two more days to ensure he properly recovers. Knowing the townspeople wont just welcome the boy Law decides to take Fayren with him to the next Island and then let him go his way, while he tells the villagers that he dealt with the "curse". Fayren by that time is 10.

On the ship Fayren is utterly fascinated with EVERYTHING. He has lived a sheltered life, pretty much since he can remember and so all of this is completely new to him. Law seems to show a soft spot with the kid, not just because of his history, but also because his now blooming happy personality reminds him of his own sister. Especially when one evening Fayren ends up unable to sleep and cries, because of his survivors guilt, Law stays with him to ensure he does not spiral further. Suffering from the same issu, he finds it almost ironic to sit there and tell a child that none of it is his fault, even tho he himself could not forgive himself.

Over the two weeks it takes them to get to another island, Fayren gets some speech back, being able to MOSTLY communicate, tho still lacking many words and jumbling grammar.

As planned Law eventually sets the kid onto the street the next chance he gets, however Fayren does not want to leave. Its a back and forth of Law trying to shake off the kid, until he gets tired and uses his devil fruit powers to get himself onto their ship. By that time Fayren has no idea, that his powers had one fatal weakness and stubbornly jumped into the sea to just swim after them-- however he just sank to the ground, leaving Bepo to go rescue the child. Fayren pleads to be able to stay on the ship, promising he would do ANYTHING just to stay there as he has grown attached to the crew that teated him so well. Eventually Law relents, especially with the rest of the crew also asking for the kid to stay. From then on Fayren becomes a ship-boy and slowly learns a variety of skills to aid and assist everyone. About 2 years after being taken in he is taught marksmanship and from then on trains to be the crews sharpshooter, which his powers help with.

Trivia:

Fayren once tried to write "ALIVE" onto his fingers like Laws DEATH tattoo however manages to break skin with the feather and instantly gets ink poisoning. When Law asks wtf he was doing Fayren says, that to him Law is not a Doctor that brings death, but one that saves lives, so he wished to eternly memorize it on his hand. Law deeply appreciates the sentiment. However he did also give him a real hard scolding for getting sick.

Fayrens bounty is a solid 200 Berries. He is very proud of it.

Fayren keeps scrapbooks and has always a photosnsail with him to record adventures and keep memories. He also keeps all of the Heartpirates Bounty posters and any mentions of them (and especially Law) in the papers.

Fayren uses mainly guns however he is also proficient in knife throwing.

Fayrens special talent is acupuncture, he can not use it for combat, but his skills are known to cause deep relaxation and ease of tension pain.

The crew sometimes likes to call him "Jacky" because of his "Jack of all trades" position. He finds it charming.

Aside of Law, he is especially clingy to Ikaku.

Despite being still a puberteering teen he doesn't seem to show the same perverted side as others. He sees bodies more interesting in a medical sense and makes little distinction between male or female. It's all just fat, flesh and bones anyway.

One of his favourite shirts is a blue Tshirt with just the word "Dictionary" written on it. He has several Tshirts with just a single word on it. He finds it hilarious. He also is notoriously the one that fixes the crews ripped clothes.

Fayren does not get seasick however he can still get terrible motion sickness, which is why he despises being shambled by Law.

He has a very feminine physique, especially with how young he is and while he won't decline gathering information dressed as a helpless girl, he also really hates it.

Most fitting Voice Actor: Ayumu Murase

・🔭 ⸝⸝ ・P0H3 --- pt. 5 (final)

Everyone, except the Brownstone siblings, were affected by the “No-Sleep Syndrome” as Katherine calls it. The health of every team member started declining and they could barely save Farah from dying. Judith immediately called the control center back on Earth and got a simple response which provides no guarantee-

“We are looking into this matter.”

They rescheduled their preparation for deep sleep to be done after 1 more week. The conditions of the members weren’t preferable for hibernation which will last for almost 40 years. One day, Judith woke up in the middle of night time to find Richard sitting alone by the window.

“Why are you still awake, Ricky? Is something wrong?”, she sat down beside him while rubbing her eyes. “We are all gonna die even before we reach P0H3 right?”, he asked, looking into the dark space in front of him which twinkled with various star lights. “No, absolutely not, honey! We are going to make it! What makes you think we are gonna fail?”

“The nightmare, it turned into reality.”

“Wait, what do you mean, Richard? We don’t have any death onboard like you drea-”

“Hana is dead.” 

“W-What?”

Judith quickly stood up and rushed towards Richard’s sleeping pod area which he shared with 3 others, Fin, Eveline and Hana. I rushed to Hana’s pod and checked her pulse, her skin unbelievably cold against Judith’s fingers. She couldn’t feel a pulse, she wasn’t breathing either. Judith’s heart started pounding in my ribcage as if it’s going to break out. She ran to the main control panel and turned on the emergency siren, which woke everyone up. Then, she called the control station back on Earth.

“This is Judith Brownstone, Voyager 9801, reporting from Spaceship Hope. We have a death onboard. Hana Gabriel, Voyager 8732, is announced dead...Please try to find out the reason for her death, she was completely healthy till today! I made sure she ate and went through the daily health diagnosis!...What? A parasite!... What do you mean a parasite invasion! How is it even possible?!...Yes, we went on space walks to make sure there was no onset damage done to the ship and to check on the solar panels...Are you sure!?...O-okay, I’ll try my best...thank you…”

“What is it Captain? Why did you wake us up?, Antonio walked into the main control area as he asked with his tired voice. “Captain, I tried waking up Hana, but I guess she is in a deep sleep. Probably tired from all the nights she stayed awake.”, Fin walked in next and informed, Judith’s heart aching at the mention of Hana. 

After all the 9 team members were gathered in the main control area, she decided to break the bad news. “Sorry for waking you up during sleeping hours, it’s just, I had to let you all know something very important and heart-breaking. Hana, our health specialist and space researcher, who is not standing here with us at the moment, has passed her last breath. Hana Gabriel is...dead.”, Judith informed, a silence filling in between. Eveline broke down in tears as Daniel tried comforting her. 

“Voyagers, this does not get any better. We have an onset parasite invasion on this ship and everyone here is affected with the parasite. Scientists back on Earth have named it “Digger”, as it digs into a part of our brain and gains access to our biggest fears. In Hana’s case, it was her imagination. We all know that she was scared of her imagination, as it was very vivid and it caused her more harm than good. It’s different for everyone. Like for Farah, it is her father’s death, for Daniel it’s your fear of the dark and monsters.

Most of us haven’t shown any symptoms but. We might start showing them soon. We are already doomed. We can’t start hibernating, it’s too dangerous. And..”, Judith paused a bit before continuing

“We might never make it to planet P0H3, we are going...to die."

author's note: first time writing sci-fi but hey, I did okay...right?

@shieldretired continued from x

                 baby blues pull away from the painting to give the captain a glance , painted lips pulling to a grin . ❝ they usually don't . but spoiled rich kid syndrome is highly contagious ... especially when the biggest symptom is extra money in your pocket . ❞ a soft laugh before her attention is turned back to the painting , warm smile settling on her lips . ❝ my mom knew this amazing seamstress . guy was a genius . most creative designer i've ever met . still can't believe he's not booked for every runway or awards show . works out for me , though ... he's always got time for whatever crazy idea i come up with and i make sure he gets paid well . ❞ it's been ages since she's thought about the origin of the dress ... even if it is her go-to dressing gown for wine , movie , and kitten puddle nights . she makes a silent note to call her mom later ... just to thank her again .

                 her attention shifts back to the other and her grin broadens . ❝ both , actually . more of an art historian than an artist , but i dabble a little . mostly sketch when i'm on the job and bored . but ... collecting ? that's more my speed . ❞  

It is....infinitely frustrating to learn more about myself, apply it to my childhood, learn more about my parents and other family members because of it and not be able to communicate to them that they don't have to be the way they are. (long family rant under the cut, probably incoherent because it's a lot of vagaries and hedging details, and also because emotions are high rn)

I'm very clearly neurodivergent. What flavor of that is unclear but it's looking like something akin to either ADHD or Autism (or in a fun twist, probably both!). Learning more about these developmental disorders has made me reflective on how my family does things, what patterns they have, and why they probably missed any early signs i might have shown before my impeccable masking skills kicked in at a young age.

Of course not only do they not believe either of these disorders is real but they also believe that they're all completely normal. Everyone is like them! except everyone which they complain about all the time.

I think if my mom's vision hadn't been as bad as it was, if she hadn't been checked early on for myopia, I wouldn't have known how bad my vision was until it was impossible for me to move around my space without running into stuff, or incapable of reading. It might not have been caught until I was 16. Though that seems improbable considering how absolutely shitballs my vision is, it's unfortunately not as unlikely as I'd like to imagine.

I have a chronic pain issue and have been tired since i was a tyke. No one has ever noticed that anything was wrong with me and since i learned that complaining only gets you ignored and told to suck it up (either from experience or by watching it happen to my much squeakier wheel of a sister) so I just...dealt with it quietly. I figured everyone woke up in pain and exhausted every morning and was just much better at dealing with it than I was. My mom has always complained of similar issues, but I'm guessing she too assumed it was just normal and that she was not dealing with it as well as everyone else in the world, and thus never mentioned it to a doctor.

So mine never got checked, either.

Mom is sensitive to gluten. A few other people are in my family I think. I actually took steps to try and start eliminating it (to an extent, I'm a weak man, I enjoy my bready carbs too much and it's hard to cook for myself/find gluten-free foods that i don't have to make) and since then my symptoms have gotten worse every time i eat it again. So I have to be very careful and aware of when I'm eating it and if it happens accidentally it's worse because I wasn't expecting the attack. But if I had just kept going with it, hadn't stopped eating it regularly, I'd be like my mom, putting myself through hell daily just because i refuse to give up beer, or bread, or whatever on a daily basis.

My family suffers from sleep issues. From pain. From incredible social awkwardness that no amount of being around people can fix. From meltdowns. From anxiety and depression. From chronic procrastination. From people pleasing. From alcoholism and self-medication.

But we function in society as best we can and it goes under the radar and as I learn that this is not normal. That there are ways of dealing with this stuff that are healthier, better, easier than what we've been doing, that it doesn't have to be like this I keep trying to find ways to tell them that they don't have to keep on suffering. Struggling. Hurting.

But what do I know? I'm just a confused girl who thinks she's a boy, who is a hypochondriac, who just can't accept that she's a little quirky and needs to be Special And Different because I'm a millennial. Who is being brainwashed into Leftist Thinking and will come around again eventually, when she grows up finally. Sure I'm almost thirty and these things are just getting stronger/harder to ignore than they were, but if I just find jesus again it'll be fine!

So I have to suffer every time I interact with them because they won't listen and look at themselves and learn from what i'm learning and trying to share. I have to deal with the forgetfulness, with the extreme reactions to minor things, with my dietary needs being forgotten, with being considered dramatic or a liar when i bring up my very serious pain and exhaustion issues, with being dismissed when i try to talk about ways i've worked around my neurodivergencies in daily life to try and make shit work, with being invited last minute to meals where I don't know if I'm going to be able to actually consume any of the food.

And the worst part is, I don't think any of it is intentionally malicious. They don't mean to be like this. So if I lash out, if I try to put up boundaries about it, I am the heel. I'm the bad guy. Because i'm being mean to my mother out of nowhere, I'm forcing all of them to call me a new name, use new words to describe me and how dare I, forcing them to be mindful of their dinner menus and making them feel guilty for not providing me any options to eat—but god forbid i bring a dish specifically for me to eat that no one else can touch just in case they cross contaminate it. It has to be to share. Even if they have a whole meal to eat and I only have one dish that I can consume safely.

They're thoughtless. And selfish. And they have no idea. And it shouldn't be my job, as eldest child (since they won't ever call me son...), to correct them. To point it out.

I probably won't get a birthday this year either, third year in a row running. But let's guilt me about not attending other people's birthday things we celebrate. Yeah.

Yeah.

Please tell me your thoughts on Ed + chronic pain!

(@sweetcheese1 @mhaccunoval ) thank you all for indulging me! putting it under the cut because it got long:

okay, so first off, my headcanon for what type of chronic pain ed has: i think he has hypermobility-related chronic pain. most people who are hypermobile (around 10% of the population is hypermobile, and it's usually something you're born with, with a decent link to genetic inheritance, but it can be developed through, say, gymnastics) do not develop any sort of related chronic pain, but in some people, it does happen (hi! that's me! i don't have a specific disorder like EDS though, i just have hypermobility and hypermobility-related chronic pain). basically, the joints are "loose", (this can mean they experience partial or full dislocations, known as subluxations (this is what happens with, say, hEDS (hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome)) and your muscles have to overcompensate to try and keep them in place—which is what leads to chronic pain.

one of the things that happens when you have hypermobility-related chronic pain is that high-impact activities (think running or ball sports, but it can also mean, like, a lot of walking) make things, uh. worse. like, leave you in bed for the rest of the day or multiple days kind of worse, depending on how bad your baseline pain is, and can also make things permanently worse. for me, things were pretty manageable (like a two on average) up until i started having to do ball sports in school, which made things worse, to the point where i am at about a four or five on a daily average.

i personally think that ed probably also had pretty manageable symptoms as a child—probably his worst areas were his spine/back and legs, since those are typically what's under the most strain. however, pirating isn't exactly a low-impact lifestyle—so, i think this probably made things a good deal worse. starting off at the lower levels of the ship hierarchy (cabin boy and swabbie, for example) would also mean he'd be putting his body under more stress than most of the others on the ship, and then, of course, there's the "regular" pirating activities of raiding ships, and fights.

ed, obviously, wouldn't really have been able to take a break to recover. additionally, even after he became a captain in his own right, i think it's safe to say that he'd convinced himself that showing weakness was absolutely not the done thing (not to mention how much worse izzy probably made it), especially since he's blackbeard, basically the pirate epitome of hale and hearty and terrifyingly physically capable. he's unlikely to have done things like, again, take time to just recover, or to draw himself a hot bath at the end of the day. all of this would definitely make things worse for him—he's probably residing around a six or seven on average pain-wise just on a day to day basis.

that brings me to two points: knee braces and smoking. i believe that the area worse-effected for him is his knees, but, more specifically, his left knee. I think it's entirely possible that at some point, his knee simply couldn't take the strain anymore, and he had to support it in some way, just to be able to walk, let alone do things like run around during raids—hence the knee brace. given the time, it wasn't really possible for him to get anything professional, but his contraption on his leg looks fairly similar to the knee brace below, which is specifically meant to stabilise the joint (i've included a tweet with photos of ed's knee brace as well for comparison). anyway, second point: smoking! as you probably know, marijuana can be used to relieve pain. i personally have never used it, so i can't vouch for it, and from what i understand, it varies from person to person. on that note, ed's been shown to smoke a couple different times in canon, and personally, i think that's what he's doing, in lieu of pain medications (most of which either didn't exist, or he wouldn't have had access to, like laudanum)—in fact, aside from the knee brace, it might be the only way he's willing to manage his pain, since smoking is already an acceptable activity in his social sphere. i don't think he uses a cane at all pre-canon, despite how helpful it can be, because it's a much more visible sign of his "weakness", especially with how he would have to use it continuously, as opposed to the knee brace, which can be brushed off as merely an accessory by someone who doesn't know any better. (izzy uses a cane in 1.10, but for him, this is a temporary situation, and i really doubt he's happy about it)

now, getting into my other headcanons! for starters, i think stede notices ed's pain after a bit. it's not incredibly obvious or anything, but after a while of being on the same ship, stede starts to notice the way ed will wince slightly with each step after a long day, or the way he holds himself very carefully so as not to exacerbate his back. also, stede's not an idiot, despite his ineptitude as a pirate, so it doesn't take him long to realise the real purpose of the knee brace—i think this probably happens after the party in 1.05, where ed spends all day without it, so afterwards, he's pretty much limping, and it carries over into the next day or so, though not as noticeable with the brace—stede's probably the only one who puts the pieces together on this, with the others on the ship probably assuming he's aggravated an injury from a fight or something that'll pass in a day or two. stede begins to draw ed baths after particularly long days to help with the pain, with the excuse that it's good for ed's skin, or something (he probably has multiple excuses, actually, and probably also uses one somewhere along the lines of "it's what a gentleman does").

also, on the note of canon: i think that his time with stede aboard the revenge works to undo some of his shame and internalised ableism in regards to his chronic pain. he doesn't fully get rid of it or anything, but i think that, at least, he does start drawing baths of his own volition, and taking time to rest instead of diving full throttle into the next raid, or swordfighting lessons with stede, or what have you. i think he's aware that stede knows at least some of what's going on, but they never talk about it.

1.10/post-breakup era definitely sees him slide back into old habits, but possibly even worse—he let stede see this incredibly vulnerable part of himself in being just ed, and the chronic pain is definitely a part of that vulnerability. beyond the knee brace, i think he really stops doing anything to try and mitigate the pain—he instead tries to fight through it, because he figures, yeah, it'll make things worse in the long run, and it hurts like hell, but the kraken can't show any weakness, and he'll probably be killed in battle before that becomes a problem (oh, ed, beloved, you really do not have a healthy relationship to this shit).

and, finally, post-reunion! it definitely takes a while for him to start trusting stede again, but once he does, they slip back into the routine of stede drawing ed baths. however, at this point they've realised that, actually, communication is really important, so i think that, very grudgingly, ed does talk about it. after a while, he finally manages to peel back the "well, i'm going to die, so the pain doesn't matter" attitude, and begins to take things easier. trusting stede also eventually leads to him asking if stede would be willing to help him relieve some of the pain when things get especially bad through massages (stede read up on it after realising what ed was going through and mentioned the knowledge offhand), which stede is more than happy to do. it also helps a lot that they've somewhat retired from piracy—they still raid ships, but they don't do much fuckery or risky raids, and when they do, they leave most of it to the crew (fuckery is high-impact by, like, every definition of the word. i can't imagine doing any of it myself because i know how taxing it would be). finally! ed eventually gets a cane! his original one is a pretty standard, black walking cane, without any embellishments, but for their anniversary, stede has a slightly fancier one commissioned—it's not super ostentatious or anything, but it does have a carved handle with an arctic tern on it, and at its base there's a band of metal that matches the rings that they exchanged when they decided to commit to a long-term relationship.

From AFLW to roller derby, experts say its time to take concussion in women's sport seriously

When the Crows chase their third AFLW premiership on Saturday, captain Chelsea Randall will be watching from the sidelines.

A concussion from a collision during last week's preliminary final left her ruled out of the match.

It's a bitter sweet way to end a season — but as Sarah McCarthy knows, a concussion can have much longer consequences

In 2016, Sarah was the jammer for her Sydney roller derby team, skating at high speed in the league's Grand Final, aiming to get past the opposition and score points.

Risks of contact sport

Sarah McCarthy received a knock to the head during a roller derby match.

"I was a few feet in front of the pack, looking over my shoulder," she tells ABC RN's Sporty.

As she skated, a competitor's elbow hit Sarah's neck and jaw hard and she crashed to the ground.

She doesn't remember if she passed out or not, but recalls feeling briefly sick.

She got up, sat out for awhile, but later re-joined the bout, feeling reasonably ok.

It was Sarah's second concussion that week, having had an earlier blow at training.

The next few months passed in a blur of sickness, dizziness and ringing ears.

"I could barely make it past lunch time without falling asleep. My head felt like it was in a vice 24 hours a day," she says.

What was worse, says Sarah, was the memory loss, heightened emotions, and constant haze in her mind as she struggled to manage a big work project.

Sarah's experience is not out of the ordinary. Experts say sportswomen are at higher risk of concussion than male athletes, and the effects of concussion in women tend to be more severe.

Sarah still lives with the ongoing after effects of her concussion even today.

Almost five years on, Sarah continues to live with the implications of Post Concussion Syndrome.

"I struggled verbally, and I still do now if I have a poor night's sleep," Sarah says.

"It's almost like I'm sitting on a chair in a room with a curtain around me and all of my vocabulary is just beyond the curtain. And I can't reach it or I use the wrong words. I forget people's name all the time," she says.

"I'm fatigued every day. I still can't exercise. I can't handle stress, I can't handle light, I can't handle sounds."

What happens when you're concussed?

Dr Adrian Cohen, an emergency and trauma physician who researches concussion prevention, says concussion is not as simple as was once thought.

He says concussion results in less blood flow to the brain.

This means brain cells, called neurons, don't get enough oxygen and glucose. They also suffer a "structural deformity".

Basically, Dr Cohen says, the brain has a "metabolic crisis" and neurons stop working properly.

Why is concussion more common in women?

We don't have enough data on the size of the problem, Dr Cohen says.

But research and scrutiny of concussion in women in sport is growing — largely in the wake of developments in elite men's sport such as the AFL and NFL.

"Doctors like myself who work in this area are definitely seeing it more often and we're seeing it with more severity," Dr Cohen says.

He says women sustain more concussions than men in high-impact sports such as rugby league, rugby union and Australian rules football. Women also take longer to recover.

One possibility is that women may be more likely to report concussion.

But Dr Cohen says there are complex physiological factors at play.

"There are structural differences between men and women's brains," he says.

"They actually have a slightly faster metabolism than male brains, and they have slightly greater oxygen flow to the head.

"The cells themselves can be thought of as being slightly hungrier. So in the context of an injury that disrupts the supply of glucose and oxygen, it can help explain why they suffer more damage."

He also says women are joining high impact sports without years of tackle training and have had less opportunity to build up the strong neck muscles crucial in protecting against impact.

Dr Cohen says these factors are not an argument for reducing women's participation in contact sport — the benefits, he says, far outweigh the risks — but he is urging for new ways to minimise those risks.

"We have to outlaw illegal play that causes damage, we have to get people off the field when they have an injury, we have to recognise concussion," he says.

He is part of a team developing a new device which he says can quickly and accurately assess a player for concussion.

"Instead of just asking somebody whether they're okay, and putting [them] through a 10 minute test, which seems fundamentally flawed at the moment, we have got to put this in the field of objectivity."

Concussion and migranes

Dr Rowena Mobbs, a Macquarie University neurologist who researches and treats the effects of concussion in sportspeople, says there is truth to suggestions that women experience concussion symptoms more severely.

"But there is this really important overlap of chronic migraine after trauma, and the term for this is post-traumatic headache," she says.

"When we talk about migraine ... they're the same multitude of symptoms that can occur in concussion.

"So you can be dizzy and clouded in your thinking, lethargic and have double vision. And we know that women are at three times the risk of chronic migraine than men."

A woman on roller skates playing roller derby can be seen flying up the court.

Experts say more research is needed into concussion in sportswomen.(Liam Mitchell Photography )

She suggests there could be an association between chronic migraine syndrome and concussion, a kind of double whammy for women.

"It's really a complex area," Dr Mobbs says.

"It's fairly new to research because, unfortunately, there's been so much preferred research in men in sport, and we're only just now approaching female concussion."

In Australia, the Sports Brain Bank works on diseases such as chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) and other brain disorders associated with previous concussions or head impacts.

Dr Cohen says there are several Australian sports women who've pledged to donate their brain to the Sports Brain Bank.

"But in general terms, these women won't have been playing the games for as long, and at as high a level," he says.

He says concussion and its long-term consequences "are a numbers game".

"The more impacts to the head you have, the more likely you are to suffer short, medium and long-term consequences. Therefore, the more likely it is to show up as CTE. But we're going to be seeing it in women unfortunately, in the not too distant future."

Invisible injuries

Concussion rules are changing in Australian football codes — the rules that mandated Randall miss the AFLW grand final were brought in earlier this year.

Dr Mobbs welcomes these new rules, but hopes the conversation in elite sport will extend to how concussion is managed at training and in community sport.

In 2019, the Australian Institute of Sport released an updated set of concussion guidelines to improve player safety and address rising concerns in the community around the links between concussion and CTE, which has been linked to dementia and behavioural problems.

Dr Mobbs wants measures like restricting heading the ball in soccer training to be considered.

"We must look after people's brains," she says.

"We can preserve what we love about the sports, they can still be played hard, but it just means that we've got to all get together and think of ways we can preserve brain health for these players."

Sarah McCarthy wishes she'd been stopped from returning to play in the 2016 grand final, and regrets not taking time to immediately rest after the injuries.

She has advice for other people who experience concussion.

"First and foremost, stop everything - stop," she says.

"If you can, stay in a dark room, don't do anything that's too mentally taxing. Don't exercise.

"If I had taken that four to six weeks to rest [and] not have too much mental and emotional stimulation, I think my recovery would have been a lot quicker."

The priests denounced him, the lords rose against him

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Obscure Marvel fancast of the day: Rachel Shelly as Dr. Tania Belisnky aka Red Guardian aka Starlight!

Tania Belinsky was a brilliant neurosurgeon from Russia, written back when the USSR was still in power. She grew up a devoted patriot to her country, and though she found some of what the government did to be (in her own words) repulsive, she was still dedicated to the positive Communist ideals of unity and the individual serving the many. However, when her father was exiled to Siberia for being a dissident, Tania become a costumed vigilante who fought crime, but also protected other dissidents, in hopes to reform Soviet society from within. For this reason, she was considered an enemy of the state and a wanted criminal herself by the Russian government. As a vigilante, she called herself the Red Guardian, after a previous superhero, a man who had been Russia’s answer to Captain America during the 50s. She had no superpowers, fighting purely through athletic skill, hand to hand combat, and the use of a bladed belt buckle as a weapon. Tania came to US at the request of Dr. Stephen Strange. Strange did not know she was secretly a superhero; he merely wanted her help as a fellow neurosurgeon in performing a brain transplant. The operation was a success, but right afterwards, Strange was attacked by the supervillain Plantman. Tania revealed her secret identity as Red Guardian, and they defeated Plantman with the help of Power Man. After that, Tania stayed in the United States to serve as another member of the Defenders alongside Dr. Stranger, Power Man, Valkyrie, Nighthawk, the Hulk, and other heroes. Alas, she only had a few adventures with the Defenders before she received a call from Russia, threatening her loved ones if she did not return. She did as commanded, and when she returned home, the KGB was waiting for her. They informed her that they knew of her secret identity, but it was not the government that they were taking her to…but instead to the most powerful man in all of Russia, the feared being known only as “Codename: Sergei”. It was he who had ordered her return and orchestrated this kidnapping. Tania fought her captors, but a mind-calming cowl was placed on her head, so that she was in a subdued state when she was brought before this man–Sergei Krylov aka “The Presence”, a mad scientific Soviet genius who had caused a Chernobyl-like nuclear disaster in the “Forbidden Zone” by using cobalt radiation that had transformed him into a superhuman being. He had been monitoring Tania and her activities, and while he considered her heroic ideals to be naive and misled, he had decided she was his ideal mate. Tania was forcibly subjected to the same radiation, and granted superhuman abilities as well—flight, super-strength, invulnerability, and the power to shoot blasts of pure nuclear radiation. However, these powers came at a terrible cost: her free will. Tania was now in mental thrall to the Presence, as little more than his zombie-like slave…though even in this state, she always begged him not to hurt others. However, the Presence was a supervillain (what a surprise) and when the pair inevitably came into conflict with Tania’s former teammates, the Defenders, Tania regained her free will when Presence was about to kill her friends. She rejected him, and when he called her the thing he loved most, she called out how his very words showed he just thought of her as a THING, and said that he didn’t really love her, he loved a fantasy he had of her, a zombie he had created. Basically, the Presence was a gross incel before a term was invented for it, and she called him out on it. His heart broken and ego deflated, the Presence departed. As for Tania, she was kept isolated at a Soviet research facility, til the Presence unleashed a giant radioactive amoeba on Russia. Tania was unleashed to do battle the amoeba and stop him. When she arrived on the scene, she realized he wasn’t the blame for the giant amoeba, but was fighting it himself…and failing with their combined powers, they destroyed it…and then Presence confessed his love to her and as if that weren’t bad enough, SHE STAYED WITH HIM! And, surprise, she was later shown to be under his mental control again later! which makes me think that his control never really left her in the first place, and that her getting away from him physically helped her stave it off, but when she got close to him again while fighting the amoeba, that re-activated it, and THAT’S why she agreed to stay with him once more. Anyway, Presence starts going mad with power…which just means he gets more egotistical and gross. he decided he should not just be content with ONE mind-controlled consort, but should have ALL the sexiest Soviet superheroines. So he sends the mind-controlled (yet still aware enough to cry) Tania (who now goes by Starlight instead of Red Guardian) to kidnap her fellow Russian heroines, Black Widow and Darkstar. Darkstar, by the way, is the long-lost daughter of the Presence. And he knows this at this point. And yet he still wants her in his little Soviet Harem. Seriously. It’s so gross. Starlight says that this shows how he isn’t mentally well, but his “symptoms” seem to be just being egotistical and thinking he’s entitled to a bunch of hot women being under his command including his own daughter, he doesn’t seem insane so much as just disgusting to me. In any case, Starlight once again manages to snap out of his control, but “chooses” to return to him since she believes that her love can heal him. Yeah, I don’t think that’s really her choice. I think her “love” for him is just more mind-control. And if it’s not, it’s Stockholm Syndrome. And the tragic thing is, if she ditches him for real? She’s all alone. His radiating her didn’t just give her powers (which seem to have been simply to enable her to do his dirty work, like KIDNAPPING WOMEN) they also make her radioactive herself, so she can’t be around other people long or she’ll irradiate them, killing them or making them sick. He’s ensured that he’s the only person she can be around, it’s either him alone or total isolation. Just like a real abuser often isolates their victims through mundane means. Anyway, yet again she “chooses” to be with him after he is defeated by the Avengers in another villainous effort. Tania begs for his life to be spared and accompanies him into custody despite the fact she did nothing against the Avengers during their conflict, only looks sad. The exposition says that Thor shakes his head at her choice, but…as I’ve said, I don’t think it’s a choice. It’s either some degree of still-active enslavement, or the “choice” of any other abused victim when they “choose” to stay with their abuser. That’s what so many people don’t get about abuse—that victims usually “choose” to stay with them, because of how much the abusers warp their mind. And that’s just in real life, where super-powered mind-control doesn’t exist. Starlight and Presence are later released from custody to fight a greater supervillain threat, Kang the conqueror, and Presence plans to use their regained freedom to do more villainy, but Starlight talks him out of it. That’s usually what she does, try to persuade him not to be a supervillain or hurt innocents. So she’s not under totally robotic control, she can have free thought like that, she just…can’t leave or disobey him. In a way, that’s almost crueler than if she was just a robotic zombie, because it means she’s aware of what’s going on. No wonder she looks sad a lot, huh? But then again, her “persuading” Presence not to go rogue while fighting Kang…was by threatening to him that she would leave him if he did. And he agreed. So he at least does believe she can or would leave. Maybe his control waxes and wanes. Or maybe she really is choosing to be with him, so long as he doesn’t go too far in his evil, because she thinks she can change him or because, as mentioned, she can’t be around anyone else. Of course, HE can’t be around anyone else either, so does that give her one bit of leverage too. Abuse victims do sometimes have that, and it doesn’t invalidate their victimhood or make them “not really victims/not really abused”. Anyway, at some point offscreen, she grew able to control her radiation seepage, so that she was able to be around others again, and she left Presence. She became a superhero again, and joined the Winter Guard, the Russian superhero squad. Darkstar and Vanguard, the Presence’s long-estranged children, were on this squad…and Starlight started a romantic relationship with Vanguard. The son of the man who enslaved her and forced her to be his lover and servant. And as weird as that is…I get it, actually. Abuse victims often desire to go back to their abusers, and many do. Others have to fight themselves on it, even years after escaping. It’s quite possible, likely even, that Starlight still “needed” Presence, and thus getting with his son was a way of coping with that, a way to be with him without returning to him. So yeah it’s weird and squicky but it makes sense. As for Presence, he took up with a Dire Wraith sorceress named Fantasma (who was a former member of the Winter Guard herself) When the Winter Guard fought them, Fantasma was thrown into Limbo…and she dragged Starlight along with her. Neither has been seen since. My problem with Tania’s story isn’t the content itself. A story about a smart, powerful woman with her own interesting life who has everything taken from her because a man decided he owned her is a very realistic one, despite the fantastic trappings of this scenario, and it’s worth telling. But it needs to be handled with care and attention. This should be TANIA’S story. It should be ABOUT her. We should see her tragedy and triumph up close and personal. The writers should CARE and ask the readers to care too. But that’s not what happens. This cool lady joins the Defenders, has an interesting personality set up with an interesting personal conflict set up (her loyalty to her country vs her hate of its government) and then all of a sudden she just gets swept off the playing board and is kind of forgotten, popping up here and again over the next 20+ years to remind us that she belongs to this gross guy now and has limited to nil free will, escapes a few times but only temporarily, and the heroes she was friends with just all kind of ignore it. This isn’t like Bucky Barnes or Laura Kinney where the story of her trauma and enslavement is the focus, where she’s the main character, where careful attention is paid to her arc, where she HAS an arc. Tania doesn’t have an arc. Hell, when she finally gets her free will back and her radiation-seep under control, it’s completely offscreen! Her victory is never shown! She just shows up with the good guys again and we’re left to infer what happened, as if it’s some insignificant detail! And just as she’s done this—she gets tossed offscreen, forever. At least forever thus far. It’s just…so unfair. And I don’t mean on an in-universe level, where drama and conflict and unfairness should happen just like in the real world, and to keep the story moving. I mean it’s unfair in how it was handled on a meta level, and this character and her story deserved a fuck ton better.

❚ ⋮ ☆ 013

TWs include: abuse (psychological and physical), particularly from a mother, internalised ableism and ableist abuse.

Due to Nocturne’s deafness in one ear, and her half-blindedness, her natural center of balance is affectedーespecially when we consider her dyspraxia (due to her Autism Spectrum Disorder), which essentially affects her spatial awareness, resulting in what appears to be clumsinessーbut, at this point she’s been half deaf-and-blind since she was nine years old. Before that, she had already begun rigorous training; it began as ballet and ballet-adjacent methods, with occasional sword-fighting. After her injury, which simultaneously damaged her eye and the nerve in her ear (hence why any sort of hearing aid won’t help), her studies and training were set back severely. She had already had difficulties learning how to dance, struggling to emulate physical instructions due to her dyspraxia, and had faced a lot of shame and punishment because of her apparent clumsiness and slowness. Her intelligence was berated often. All of her progress seemingly became undone by her injury, and ironically the person who inflicted it on her punished her for supposedly becoming weaker.

Due to Kazumi’s extremist, unforgiving natureーand her repeated dehumanisation of Nocturneーthis only made her training for the next nine years even more brutal. It implemented more combat techniques, including sparring (which, considering Kazumi’s unrivalled strength, was more of just a Curbstomp Battle), including a far, far more rigorous dance routine. Nocturne is an incredible dancer, and due to that she does have a better sense of balance and spatial awareness than she would have naturally. But she earned it through blood, and tears, and years of unrelenting abuse disguised poorly as ❛training❜. Many people might not even assume that Nocturne is deaf, or dyspraxic, or otherwise affected by her disabilities, and even though she’s visibly blind, people can take for granted just how much has went behind being able to ❛pass❜. Where most people are doing the bare minimum every day, Nocturne is always, always using 100% of her energy just to survive ❛normally❜. She has, due to her mother’s influence, internalised this idea of always having to seem powerful, in control, never weak, and so she is rigid and highly critical of how she appears. But it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting, because she’s always in pain (due to her back), she’s always focused on two things at once, she’s always enduring. To get her to admit this is a Herculean task. 

Of course, in the line of invisible disabilities, it is not just her dyspraxia (which isn’t so much a disability as it is attached to a disability) that affects herー her ASD impacts her understanding of social systems, severely impacts her energy in social situations, and has a negative impact on her general mental health due to a constant feeling of alienation, of separation. I personally refer to this as the Changeling Syndrome, wherein that she feels, always, out of touch with everything and everyone around her, as if she’s functioning on a different wavelength from even her most intimate companions, and that she is always on bated breath waiting for someone to bring her out of the world she so clearly doesn’t belong in, and bring her to a place where she can relax and feel normal. She rarely sleeps, but when she does, it’s usually brought on by social exhaustionー spending hours around people, trying to maintain the performance of the unflinching Captain, stoic and strong, around everyone. Her loved onesーparticularly Amandine, Orun and Chamーdo get to see a softer version of herself, but even that can feel a performance, because there is always some aspect of herself she’s keeping quiet. Whether it’s the pain (physical or otherwise) she’s enduring, the exhaustion she feels, the constant balance she is enforcing on her physique, the hyper-vigilance of her surroundings and the philosophical/psychological weight of everything she’s doing and what it can amount to, the ever-present fear that her mother will come back for her... it’s all internal. How would she even begin to put it into words? 

Her ASD, in part, is why she bonded so quickly to Orunー as opposed to Amandine, whose friendship with her took several years to feel comfortable inー because he was aware of his own ASD and far more eloquent in its symptoms. He recognised Nocturne immediately, and he helped put a name to at least one of her experiences. Amandine is incredibly intelligent, but she never got as much exposure to the mental diversity of people, instead she was taught only what was ❛relevant❜ to her careerーfor example, she knew about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and could, in a sense, diagnose Nocturne with it (even just from the incident that happened when they met)ーso she never learned much about ASD. Orun's lack of prying, but also his ability to give her some sort of sanctum in a diagnosis, made her feel... close to safe. 

I won’t always refer to each and every one of Nocturne’s internal machinations in a threadーbecause it would become repetitive, or it would make them very text-heavyーbut understand that these are at all times something she has to consider. Nocturne is convinced that, if she slips up, even once, she will be destroyedー and, in doing so, everything else will be too. 

Research: Jonah Lomu

BASICS

• Jonah Tali Lomu • NZ-born Tongan • Born: May 12, 1975 • Died: Nov 18, 2015 (aged 40, heart attack linked to kidney disease)

• Family: had 3 wives, 2 sons • NZ rugby union player • Retired in 2007  from international rugby. Played some charity matches and other sports. “Became heavily involved as an ambassador for the 2011 World Cup in NZ… Returned to South Africa in 2015 to film a documentary on the impact of his 1995 exploits and also travelled to the Rugby World Cup in England to fulfil numerous important sponsorship contracts.”

WHY IS HE FAMOUS? Different body type, lead to new possibilities & global recognition of rugby, impact on views on Pacifica

• “Freight train in ballet shoes” new type of Wing player never seen before combination of size, power, speed, evasive skill

• Massive players who were only considered as “candidates for the back row” are now “seen as potential wings”. Lomu’s success changed & “showed people what the future of” rugby could be like

• His global recognition in 1995 World Cup caused global recognition of rugby, growing it from an amateur to professional world-class sport

• Chosen as face of rugby through popular PlayStation video game ‘Jonah Lomu Rugby’ (1997). Caused Pacifika people to “became the face and the most marketable commodity in the professionalisation of rugby.”

HEALTH

• Nephrotic Syndrome diagnosed in 1995 • Symptoms:   - tiredness, poor appetite, 贫血   - diarrhoea, vomiting   - puffiness and swelling of mostly ankles, calves, even thighs. Feels tight and uncomfortable   - severe cases: breathlessness and chest pain

• Kidney failure forced him out of rugby in 1997 for six months • NS caused many health problems since 2002, forcing him to have a kidney transplant in 2004 • After transplant, “he attempted several comebacks, all with limited success.” • Retired 2007 • Medically wasn’t meant to have/be able to have kids, but “is blessed with two” sons

PERSONALITY Priorities, Attitude

Personality • Humble, kind • Selfless & Generous • Quiet, reserved • Hardworking, determined (some influences are due to religious family background, Methodist high school, and converting to Mormon with wife towards end)

• Heavily contrasted with his “terrifying on-field persona” • “Willing to make time for fans … and chatting with strangers”

Priorities • His two sons • Trying his best • Playing rugby “with my mates” • Playing rugby “in that black jersey for as long as I can” • “Nothing quite beats competition. Nothing ever replaces game time”

Attitude • Defying the Impossible “Comfortable in the knowledge that I had still achieved something that many felt was impossible. I had defied medical odds to play first-class rugby again.” • Wouldn’t change anything Even “with the illness and everything else, I wouldn’t change anything for the world.” • ‘Power Within’ (tattoo on his back) is his attitude towards rugby, life, and his illness

ALL BLACKS PRIDE How important All Blacks was to him

• Sweetest thing in life “Winning in the All Blacks jersey is the sweetest thing in life. All Blacks pride and guts got us so close to glory as possible.”

• Highly valued representing NZ “This was a New Zealand jumper and I wasn’t going to miss the opportunity” “Once an All Black, always an All Black, whether you’re wearing the jersey or not” • Part of Legacy of All Blacks “Hopefully that legacy just keeps carrying on, which is what All Blacks Rugby is all about … I’ve done my part”… ‘Now heading to next stage, new crop of All Blacks … I’m just fortunate that I caught the end of the amateur era and came into the professional area’ • Empty feeling when losing for NZ “It's always at these moments that the players think about the team and what the jersey stands for. It's an empty feeling. The emptiest feeling in the world.”

PRESSURES How important All Blacks was to him

• “My life wasn’t my own” became National rugby, news property after 1995 World Cup • The world watching for him to mess up, not just in rugby but in his private life as well “You are in a fishbowl, everybody is watching and hoping you mess up so that is a story of every week for them”

• Winning became only option winning moved from important to vital after tasting victory, expectations of everyone else, and angry desire to prove himself to those who thought low of him (may have rooted from childhood anger towards dad)

CHILDHOOD Parents, gangs, high school

• Sent to Tonga at age 1 to live with maternal aunt and uncle, who treated him as their own son, and he viewed as parents. Forcibly “made to leave” Tonga, when parents wanted him to come back to NZ. Felt disowned by dad’s side of family 

• Hardworking, Abusive Dad a drunk alcoholic who “showed Jonah no love”, but was a traditional Tongan father who liked to “control their sons and make decisions”

• Troublesome Childhood He was influenced and become part of the tensions between various Pacifica gangs within South Auckland (Lomu lived in Mangere, near Otara). He drank, fought, stole, was part of some gang activities; and sometimes arrived home in a police car. Mom was concerned about this. 

• Witnessing Uncle & Cousin’s Murder They were “hacked to death with a machete in the Otara Shopping Centre in 1988”. • Sent to Wesley College after the previous incident, Lomu’s mom ‘Hepi’ thought it highly important that he left their abusive family and social setting, so sent him to board at Wesley College- “a Methodist school with a reputation for discipline and values”. Sports was a huge part of the school’s curriculum, and it heavily helped Lomu transfer his childhood anger into another area that saved him from going further down the path to prison or worse. • Kicked out by Dad Second year at Wesley, when Jonah was 15, he returned home for holidays and had a fight with his dad after dad came home drunk and hit Jonah. Jonah had enough and “threatened his father with retribution if he touched him or the other kids again”. His dad then disowned Jonah and kicked him out. From publicized information/Jonah’s autobiography, their relationship improved slightly (his dad later became a Christian?), but not fully restored due to their childhood differences. Jonah takes financial care of his parents but doesn’t seem to have healed with his dad. • Head Boy & Captain of Wesley rugby team in last year of school. One year later, “he was rampaging down the left wing in a black jersey.”

Original research with quotes & Sources of information from: 

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=11493731 https://www.britannica.com/biography/Jonah-Tali-Lomu https://edition.cnn.com/interactive/2019/09/sport/rugby-world-cup-jonah-lomu-spt-intl/  https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=3563880  https://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=12286031 https://bleacherreport.com/articles/2590594-jonah-lomu-how-he-changed-the-game-of-rugby-union-forever  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNbQuRXD6yA https://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/101830234/how-jonah-lomu-rugby-changed-pasifika-culture-in-new-zealand https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/well-good/teach-me/74597055/nephrotic-syndrome---the-disease-that-crippled-jonah-lomu 

Grand Torchwood Rewatch 1x12 & 13

IF YOU FALL I WILL CATCH U I’LL BE WAITING........ T I M E A F T E R T I M E

One season down...... It’s a Finale Double Whammy, just as it aired back in 2007! Crumbs of Jack Lore drop into our laps, some absolute plot bullshit takes place, an old man is there!!! fuck it let’s get this over with

content warn: pisstaking, fun having, oh! plot bullshit!, i absolutely lose my fucking mind, Owen Harper!!! I Won’t Hesitate Bitch

1x12 “captain jack harkness”

- a thought before we dive in, but man owen gets A LOT of story stuff over the course of the 2 seasons he’s in right??? like more story stuff than ianto and tosh combined. interesting

- AH FUCK!!! A VOTE SAXON POSTER. REMEMBER WHEN?

- so..... here’s a thing. “Ohhh people have heard music from a derelict building! better send torchwood in!” how... does that come about? Could it be squatters or something??? fuck it, let’s send in a Secret Government Agency! they’ll sort it out. i mean we don’t know what they do exactly but i imagine at least one of them is a ghostbuster or something lmao, whatever

- OH NO THIS CREEPY OLD BITCH!!! i forgot how scary he looked!! god, this dude must be a million, or a vampire, or likely both

- tosh’s eyes get SO BIG WHEN THAT GUY ASKS HER TO DANCE I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!! she’s the best one!!!!!!

- wish i could wipe this episode entirely from my memory because that fucking reveal when the Real jack harkness introduces himself? F    U    C   K

- speaking of tosh, finding it extremely unconvincing that she, a tech nerd, would go out with a laptop with an almost completely flat battery... like, c’mon. she would be prepared

- Gwen cooper, a fully adult woman: haha me and my friends;;;; came here 4 a dare;;; cos its spooky lol....

- the camera on this show has me fucking SCREEEAMING “He wears a cravat.” THERE’S A DRAMATIC SLOW MOTION ZOOM IN ON THIS GUYS FUCKING CRAVAT AND THEN ON IANTO’S FACE LOOKING AT IT AND ITS ALL IN FUCKING EARNEST LET ME DIE!!!!!!!!!

- the dance they’re at is called “KISS THE BOYS GOODBYE DANCE”, which is what my finishing move would be called if i was a character in a fighting game

- ianto and owen slapfighting over their shit girlfriend experiences fucking owns genuinely lmao

- tosh pops the top off a tin and then cuts her hand open on the obviously blunt fucking lid?????? jesus christ

- “I’m tired of living in awe of the rift!!!” .....................first i’ve heard of it. I love that owen is talking as though the rift has been a major fucking factor throughout the entire series up until this point, rather than a thing that’s just been vaguely fucking referenced as the reason why a bunch of weird shit just seems to happen in cardiff. no, im not standing for this. You can’t pull out the rift at the eleventh hour and then talk about it as though it’s a Hugely Important plot device when the biggest role it’s had over the stretch of the entire 11 Whole Ass episodes prefacing this was to allow the plane to come through in “out of time”. y’all have barely mentioned the rift this entire time and now you want to act like its the hellmouth??? eat my ass!!!!!!

- and continuing on that note: apparently they’ve had a machine that can manipulate the rift in the hub......... the entire goddamn time. but no one thought to MENTION it i guess!!!!!!!! pfft, why would THAT be important??? right???? right?????

this plot bullshit almost makes me feel bad for how harsh i was about “cyberwoman” but, i will admit.... despite this Absolute Fucking Nonsense, i do find the jack and tosh storyline in this episode really fun and interesting. its just unfortunate that all the stuff arrrrround that is some kind of fic scrawled in the back of a kid’s math book.

- also the size of owen’s fucking NADS in this episode!!!!!!!! “Don’t compare yourself to me.” SAYS MAN CRYING OVER THE GIRL HE KNEW FOR ONE (1!) (SINGULAR) WEEK!!!! as opposed to ianto’s longterm girlfriend being turned into a monster and eventually murdered by his own team!!!! Like, i understand that’s owen’s problem actually goes beyond that, and its not so much about diane herself but about the fact that he let himself feel close to someone again after his fiancee died but for us, The Audience, watching this as it airs... we haven’t unlocked owen’s tragic backstory yet. and without knowing all that it just makes owen look really bad and like a huge fucking tool lmfao.

- NEVERMIND THE END IS GAY AND SAD AND Y’KNOW!!!!!! i am a man of simple pleasures, at heart, and so... i’ll let it slide. jack meeting his namesake knowing that he’s going to die and them having a moment is more of the kind of emotional content we would get in episodes of doctor who, and its Just Right

- in honesty, theres a bunch of stuff about this ep that i DO like. that tosh gets a prominant role for a change, while gwen gets to do fuck all. the whole Real Jack story. owen gets shot and pops a tit out at the end. its just unfortunate thats its all wrapped up in this rift thing thats been wheeled out last minute for a Big Season Finale with no real foreshadowing or build up to it at all lmao. but, moving on...............................................................................................

1x13 “end of days”

- RHYS BUNS DETECTED, A SOUND WAY TO KICK OFF ANY EPISODE

- lovely reading voice ianto’s got..... i also like owen acting up to make sure we know that they remember him being shot in the shoulder last episode lol.

- “owen, if you open the rift you’ll break it” (owen opens the rift anyway) “owen, you opening the rift broke it” (owen GASPS IN DISMAY, ME??? REALLY?) yes bitch open your ears

- “So are we going to sit around crying into our lattes or are we gonna do something about it?” OWEN..... IS THIS. SUPPOSED TO SOUND BADASS I.... GENUINELY CANT TELL? IT SOUNDS BAD, OWEN

- jack was so likeable last ep now he’s a DICK. gwen calls him out on how he talked to owen and he’s really fucking catty at HER for no reason at all????

- i haaaaaaaaate this scene in the hospital where a Mystery Illness has all the fucking symptoms of the bubonic plague but apparently every doctor in the entire hospital never did high school level history and are all incapable of recognising it. if fucking *i* know what symptoms of the bubonic plague are im sure they didn’t need Absolute Brain Genius Owen Harper who is seemingly the only person with any sense in cardiff to come in and diagnose it. i also hate how owen just like casually mentions to the doctor yep, this is caused by people falling through time dude yknow!!! like they do!! expect more of this to keep happening probably idk!!

- “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU OPENED THE RIFT WITH THIS MACHINE WE HAVE THAT’S FOR UHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHH OPENING THE RIFT *big fuck off galaxy brain*” thats basically this episode.

- i love that owen has followed jack all this time but NOW in a crisis is the time to actually lose it and start questioning his authority bc they dont Actually know who jack is like???? you’ve been fine not knowing this entire time before??? thats not to say that jack isn’t an entire dumbass himself. he expects them all to follow him blindly and its so creepy. he’s like a cult leader, and as they all have Torchwood Stockholm Syndrome that ive mentioned in previous episode run downs they’ve all just gone along with it.

- owen having a little cry on the way out is such a Good scene bc he puts on such a brave and defiant front tho 💕💖💘💕

- i dont know why the really quick flashback to diane flying off in the plane made me lose my fucking mind, its just like “LMAO IN CASE U FORGOT: SHE WAS THE PLANE LADY. I KNOW SHE WAS ONLY IN FOR LIKE TWO MINUTES, BUT DONT WORRY ABOUT IT.”

- gwen for fucks sake!!!!!!!! not again!!!!! after all the cryptic shit and lies she’s told rhys up until this point, she now knocks him out and locks him in a cell and STILL offers no explanation. this poor fucking dude!!!!!!!!! and it’s about to get even worse for him...

- the way gwen screams “RHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRSSSSS”

- YES EVERYONE REBEL AGAINST JACK!!!!!!! FUCK THIS DUDE!!!! you’re doing what a creepy old dude who is Absolutely Definitely evil wants, but still

- why does gwen start doing shit on the computer when toshiko, the computer expert, is standing right there, like.............

- JACK TRYING TO SMACKTALK TO ENTIRE GANG LIKE HIS OWN CLOSET ISN’T CHOCKFUL OF FUCKING SKELETONS

- i forget, does anyone know jack’s immortal apart from gwen? or was it just the shock of owen actually Shooting Their Boss? the only onscreen death i can recall of his after suzie shot him was in “cyberwoman”

- god, minutes ago they were all like FUCK JACK!!!! JACK DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SAVE US AFTER ALL!!! and now theyre all crawling back asking jack to save them all from cgi pig Ganon and its just..... a lot to happen, over the space of about half an hour.

- the ending is so anticlimatic and also why does sucking all the Yummy Life Energy out of jack make abaddon die?????????? Though in its defence... after like 3 bowls of cereal, i too am like OUCH OOF MY BONES

- aaaaaaaaaand rhys is back! will he get treated any better from here on out? i dont remember!!! guess we’ll see.

- bit much of gwen who’s actually known jack the shortest time of them all to be like NO, let ME be with him uwuwuwuuw

- ahhh!!! ianto smelling jack’s coat ;_;

- aaaand jack’s back too. AND HE GETS TO HOLD A CRYING OWEN? FOR ME? oh you shouldn’t have! this Almost makes up for all that rift plot bullshit (almost. i still know what u did.)

- ANDDDDD OH SHIT. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GOOD ENDING. HERE COMES THE TARDIS. FUCKING YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...............................and there it goes. one season down. sorry this one was so long!!! i love and appreciate anyone to takes the time to read these posts. thank u!!!!

COVID19 Updates: 07/24/2021

US:  Breaking: The newest and most requested Tat in the United States is the Covid Spike Protein. This has been confirmed by the CDC and the United States Association of Tatoo Artists.

World: OP/ED:  In fall/winter it will be "determined" Covid is a bioweapon to take the drug companies out of the line of fire for the poop vaccines that don't work (and the Biden admin for total failure). Then things get hot in the US-China relationship. After the bioweapons thing is communicated, Pfizer & Co. has developed updated boosters that are then supposed to work against the new variants. Then comes mandatory vaccination for ALL (as we are now dealing "with a new threat level" that was not clear before).

UK:  Truly alarming news that Government is dismantling yet more of our defences against new #Covid variants Just 3% of positive tests from amber list arrivals are being checked - why boast of our “expertise” in genome sequencing if we’re not even using it? LINK

Malta:  COVID rules sceptics and anti-vaxxers march through Valletta LINK

Malaysia:  Malaysia reports 15,902 new coronavirus cases, the biggest one-day increase on record, and 184 new deaths

UK:  Politicians and scientists in the UK are concerned that people are deleting the official COVID-19 mobile phone app, or at least switching off its tracing function, to avoid having to self-isolate

Lebanon:  Lebanon’s deepening economic crisis has piled pressure on hospitals, leaving them ill-equipped to face any new wave of the coronavirus, a top hospital director has warned;

Indonesia:  Indonesian island of Bali is running out of oxygen for its COVID-19 patients  as infections surge, the chief of its health agency said, as Southeast Asia’s biggest country struggles with region’s worst COVID epidemic;

World:  NEW - Dr. Fauci: "People are sort of raising their eyebrows a bit,” by the apparent steep falloff in the Pfizer vaccine’s effectiveness that the Israeli data seems to suggest (NYT) (Thank you Captain Obvious)

Missouri:  #BREAKING: @HealthyLivingMo reports #COVID19Missouri hospitalizations hit 1,700 Wednesday, highest inpatient total since 1/30, +39/day over past 7 days; #DeltaVariant surge hits new full week peak of 16,518 cases reported, avg 2,359.71/day, highest full wk since 1/17-1/23

US:  Hospitalizations rising in 45 states

France:  Breaking: Protests against COVID restrictions have turned violent in Paris, France.

New York:  New hospital admissions in New York due to COVID-19 are up +43.0% from a week ago.

Georgia:  New hospital admissions in Georgia due to COVID-19 are up +35.3% from a week ago.

Missouri:  New hospital admissions in Missouri due to COVID-19 are up another +13.9% from a week ago, and have bounced back to more than half their previous peak.

Louisiana:  New hospital admissions in Louisiana due to COVID-19 are up +68.7% from a week ago, more than halfway back to their previous peak.

Texas:  New hospital admissions in Texas due to COVID-19 are up +47.2% from a week ago.

California:  New hospital admissions in California due to COVID-19 are up +44.9% from a week ago.

Florida:  New hospital admissions in Florida are up +54.2% from a week ago, down just -26.3% from their peak.

UK:  Piers Morgan reveals he caught Covid at Euro 2020 final despite being double jabbed LINK

World:  Severity of SARS-CoV-2 reinfections in second wave determines likelihood of mild endemicity LINK

Iceland:  Iceland lifted all domestic restrictions on June 26 after a majority of the population had been vaccinated. The country's Chief Epidemiologist now says that vaccinations are not proving as effective against the Delta variant as was hoped. LINK

California:  Anti-mask protester punches breast cancer patient in her surgery scar and rips off her face covering after demonstrators gathered outside LA clinic which is enforcing the county's mandate LINK

Florida:  BREAKING: Florida reports 14,258 new coronavirus cases, the biggest one-day increase since January, as hospitalizations continue to rise

US:  NEW: Number of Americans hospitalized with COVID-19 tops 33,000, highest since May

US:  After a string of COVID-19 infections were reportedly traced back to travelers returning from Las Vegas, one county in Hawaii is sounding the alarm on travel to the Sin City. LINK

RUMINT (US):  Dropped my car off at the Honda dealership for service and they are completely out of cars to sell. I asked the service tech and he said they have a few at the port, but they can't get chips needed to make more cars. Crazy.

Tennessee: ‘Heart-wrenching’: inside a hospital grappling with Delta and vaccine hesitancy LINK

RUMINT (World):  Folks. Sit down. Get a stiff drink. And listen in. This is an extinction level event. This is no joke nor drill. Nor am I trying to paint a grimmer picture than it already is. We are in the final years of a cohesive civilization. Why? Fungus. Prokaryotes (bacteria) differentiate quite a lot form eukaryotic organisms such as fungi and I have a hard time seeing that bacteriophages would be able to infect eukaryotic cells. In essence we are exposed to a huge amount of viruses in our daily lives, but our cells are either non permissive (can’t replicate in our cells) or non susceptible (can’t bind to and enter our cells) to almost all of them. ^^ This got the wife thinking. The this from her days of old about 9 years ago now.*****Bat immunity may hold clues for HIV***** But then it gets terrifying. Immune reconstitution inflammatory syndrome is a condition seen in some cases of AIDS or immunosuppression, in which the immune system begins to recover, but then responds to a previously acquired opportunistic infection with an overwhelming inflammatory response that paradoxically makes the symptoms of infection worse. Immune reconstitution inflammatory syndrome (IRIS) is a state of hyperinflammatory response that usually occurs in the first six months of treatment of HIV/AIDS patients. It is a potential complication of the use of highly active antiretroviral therapy (HAART). The overall incidence of IRIS is still unknown. However, some studies report that up to 25 to 30% of HIV patients who are on antiretroviral therapy have IRIS. This activity outlines the risk factors, pathophysiology, clinical presentation, and the role of the interprofessional team in the management of immune reconstitution syndrome. A PREVIOUSLY unknown immune response in bats to a deadly fungal disease may hold the key to future treatments of AIDS, world-first research has found. Starting to sink in? The vaccine is not a fucking vaccine. It is a bioweapon opening us up to a secondary payload WHICH IS FUNGAL!!

Massachusetts:  Cases tied to Provincetown COVID-19 cluster rise from 256 to 430, town manager says LINK

US: NEAR VERTICAL—The South is now seeing #DeltaVariant in its true vertical exponential form. So many not vaxxed. Short of lockdowns, it now all comes down to masks, ventilation & air disinfection—but if Delta has R0=6, it’s hard to bend curve; if R0=8, it’s almost impossible.

On Scars

(This post is an excerpt from Maim Your Characters: How Injuries Work in Fiction.)

First off, let me be clear about what I mean when I say the word scars. I’m not talking about the medical definition: rough tissue that overlies a wound as it heals over time.

I’m using a broader definition of any physical evidence of a previous injury.

That can be the amputated hand, the limp from a spinal cord injury.

It can also include tattoos. (Maui’s moving tattoos in Moana are a perfect example of this: his tattoos are a physical embodiment of where he’s been.)

 Scars, by this broad definition, are an interesting shorthand for a story, whether we actually see that tale or not. We use them as a way to say there’s a story here. Sometimes our global story gives us the chance to tell it, sometimes not; either way, scars can be an interesting way to add depth to a character.

In fact, sometimes a scar is integral to explaining and understanding who that character is.

For example, we know that Peter Pan’s Captain Hook has been involved in some fierce battles, because he lost his hand – and had it replaced with his legendary pirate hook. That hook is a symbol of the cold cruelty he now gives off.

The eponymous Harry Potter wouldn’t truly be Harry without his lightning-bolt forehead scar. For Harry, it’s not just about his past, it’s about his future: his fate and the fate of the scar-giver are intertwined, a battle that will determine the fate of the world. Worse, it’s all inscribed on his forehead, for everyone to see.

Darth Vader’s scars in Star Wars are extensive, so much so that they shroud his identity completely. While we see the faces of the heroes, and even of Emperor Palpatine himself, Vader’s wounds require a respirator mask that obscures his face and makes him the terrifying villain he is. He’s actually turned the support system he needs to stay alive – a depersonalizing suit and respirator – into something useful, a mask to terrify his enemies. Vader’s life is, in some ways, enhanced by his disability, and he’s certainly comfortable moving in his world with the scars he’s got.

In Moana, the demigod Maui’s scars are branded on him as tattoos. These are the stories of who he’s been and where he goes. When hero-protagonist Moana asks him where they come from, he tells her, “They show up when I earn them.”

This isn’t dissimilar to the battle scars on an old soldier, sailor, or mercenary: their wounds are manifested on their flesh.

  But if scars are shorthand for a story, if they’re someone’s past writ large, we need to honor that character in the way we represent them. If we elect to give a character scars, they should represent not a plot but a story, something that not only wounds the character but drives them to change internally.

As an example, I’m going to tell you the story of two of my personal scars. At the end we’ll discuss which one would go into a story about me, and why.

 Scar #1: The Knife Point. When I was six or seven, I was trying to get some corn off the cob — I wanted to eat it in kernel form for some reason, and I was using a kitchen knife. I got the corn off all right — and drove the point of the knife straight into the webbing between my thumb and forefinger on my left hand. Ouch!

(Actually, it didn’t hurt, it was the sheer volume of blood that was terrifying).

I changed in that I learned not to do that specific task (cutting corn off the cob) that specific way (driving the knife toward my hand).

But it’s not a marker of who I am.

 Scar #2: The Bite Mark. Let’s consider another scar, also on my left hand. There’s an old bite mark by the heel of my hand, at the base of my left thumb.

It happened like this: I was fifteen or so, and my neighbor’s dog, Clancy, wasn’t doing well. He was old and he was sick. That day he had become too sick to get up. It was time for my neighbor to take him to the vet and say goodbye.

She had him on a blanket. But he was a big dog, and the vet was far, and she didn’t have a car, and so our neighbor came to ask me and my mom to help get him to the vet. Of course we said yes. We liked her, but more importantly, we loved animals. (Both my mother and I had worked at the vet at one point or another.)

When we went to move him by picking up the blanket and moving him to the car, Clancy reached out and bit me. Not because he was a bad dog, not because he was out to hurt me. He bit me because he was scared and sick and hurt and he didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t feel anger at Clancy, and I didn’t turn afraid of him. I felt sympathy. His act hurt my skin. His pain broke my heart.

So when we got him to the vet, while they were easing his pain and saying goodbye, I calmly and quietly washed my wound in the sink with an antiseptic.

I learned something about myself in that moment.

I learned that healing really is a calling for me. That I was glad we had cared for him and that I was able to help him on his final journey. I was glad to know Clancy. I wasn’t mad, or hurt, even though my hand stung from the antiseptic.

That scar helped me find my internal true north.

 Now, which of those scars has meaning? Which of them would you want to include if you were writing me as a character? Which do you think would make it into a memoir, if I wrote one? It’s most certainly the second, the one that helped me figure out who I am, the one that drove me to learn about myself. The first is something that happened; the second is something that changed me.

It’s stories like these that you should use in order to figure out who your characters are – and how to honor them.

 Let’s Talk Tattoos.

Tattoos are interesting in that they can be another, more interesting set of shorthand. Unless your character has a Maui-like situation going on, her tattoos won’t simply appear. She’ll not only have to choose what story she wants to represent on her flesh, but she’ll have to choose how to express that story in an image. Then comes the pain of the ritual scarification: the injection of ink under the skin, a microbaptism in pain and blood and pigment.

Tattoos are absolutely fascinating. Because they don’t typically connect to physical wounds so much as to emotional ones, they’re a really great piece of shorthand for getting into the depths of who someone truly is.

My own tattoos are direct messages to myself about how I should live in the world. They’re an easily visible piece of guidance that explores what my role is and should be in the world.

 Of course, not all tattoos have this deeper meaning. People choose to tattoo things on themselves for a hundred different reasons, the aesthetics of the design being one of them. Some tattoos are simply trendy. I’m not here to judge anyone’s ink!

But if you’re going to cover a character in tattoos, consider having each of them explore a deeper facet of that character’s personality and the journey they’ve been on.

How to Use Scars Effectively

As we said above, scars are a shorthand for a story. Prominent scars, particular facial or obvious hand scars, are a constant source of tension and questions. When someone has a big scar on their face, we find our eyes drawn to it, a question forming on our tongue: What happened?

But the What happened? isn't as important as How did it change you? And so my general recommendation with scars is twofold and contradictory:

One: only introduce scars if it’s an incredibly important part of a character’s past.

Two: only introduce scars if it’s an incredibly important part of a character’s future.

So why the two recommendations? Why the contradiction?

Characters are constantly moving, if not in space, then through time. Their scars shape their past, which shapes where they are now and where they’re going.

If a scar is germane to a character’s past, it helps establish where they’re coming from and what their experiences have been.

But those experiences are only important if that scar-causing event is relevant to their future.

The scar a sea captain got fending off pirates once upon a time doesn’t have much to add if his current quest is finding new plumbing for his house. His scar isn’t relevant, unless it intimidates the shady plumber into giving him a better price. Even then, it’s a shallow connection.

Consider the old injury (and its scar) to be a cause.

Ask: what was the effect? If your character got a scar on their eyebrow from a bike accident when she was seven, that scar doesn’t mean anything… unless that was the bike accident where she failed to protect and save her kid brother, which makes her overprotective and hypercautious now.

If she crashed her bike as a kid and merely went on with her life… what was the point? Why tell that story with a scar so visible?

Remember that the point of a story is that people change. If a scar doesn’t fundamentally shape a character, consider simply leaving it out. Window dressing is just that: window dressing.

What we want is to give more insight into who your character is.

 Avoiding Wandering Scar Syndrome

Wandering Scar Syndrome is when a character’s scar is on their left eye on Page 3 and their right cheek on Page 12. It’s simply a symptom of not taking good notes.

There are two techniques I’m going to suggest here.

The first is, keep character sheets. Many writers choose to do this, many do not. But especially if you’re going to wallpaper your character with scars and tattoos, it’s worth writing down where they are and what they look like. In fact, copy/pasting the way they were originally described into a separate document is particularly helpful in being sure your descriptions stay consistent throughout the story. It’s a pain in the butt for a moment, but it helps so much with consistency down the line!

 Another option is to use [brackets] as an aside.

What do I mean?

Let’s say you talk about a minor character in two different places in the story, chapters — even acts apart.

Kitty Scarborough was the best fighter in town, and she bore the scars to prove it. [Kitty Scar Description — line on her face?] Or, [scar TK]

TK is the editor’s mark for To Come, a placeholder of sorts, and it’s useful for all kinds of things: Name TK, Dog Breed TK, Red sports car [make/model TK], etc. (Once upon a time, this book was littered with TKs .)

Later, we can pull it back up: A tall redhead walked through the door. Kitty Scarborough was easy to recognize, especially by her [Kitty Scar Description].

Why does this work? Why is this helpful?

Because it allows us to maintain flow as a writer. If we know Kitty’s got scars from fighting, we can come up with what exactly those look like later. (We’re using them as evidence of her toughness and battle prowess, not for a particular meaning behind each individual scar she’s got.) So when we describe Kitty, we don’t need to spend ten minutes racking our brain for a cool scar to give her — we can do that later. All we need to drop into our first draft is [Kitty scar] and we can move on!

This works for all sorts of details, from car models to hair colors to background characters’ names, so don’t think it’s just a scar locater!

Later on we can come back, look through our manuscript with the magical Find tool, and simply search for that left bracket, [ . Anything that comes up can be filled in with your text!

 Want a good scar generator, including ideas for how it shaped the character? Visit MaimYourCharacters.com/Scars !

This post is an excerpt from Maim Your Characters, from Even Keel Press. If you'd like to read a 100-page sample of the book, [click here]. If you’d like to order a print copy, it’s available [via Amazon.com], and digital copies are available from [a slew of retailers].

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

Small Oct Wins

1 - DL, its bts week on fallon 🥰🥰also chuseok, which means content >>>, cicil dk ikk, rapat sponsor and talked and raged with regen abt mpi and manhwa lmao, group call shiko

2 - DL, finished 4 dk ikk wow!!, read dear door sampe ujung

3 - DL, symptoms ipd WHILE trying to losten to resus cairan fkdigital and i failed to listen to fkdigital lmao in the beginning they talked abt different fluids, my kompre is in Nov!! Can take a slight breath of air. Cicil kompre

4 - DL, symptoms, ordered krispy face (tasted so so), started reading sign, its so hilarious but the antagonist just doesnt make sense. too dysfunctional

5 - DL, ea simulation (got cushing syndrome, yay us for rosc!), forgot my scrub pants so i borrowed from indah, the way back homd (PP motor) was hooot, cicil banifidi, talked with ara for 1,5 hrs abt mental health and past traumas lmaoo

6 - DL, cicil geri, read raise ga wa tanin ii

7 - formatif geri, originally meant to go to puri with atikah to get seirockya, but its closed. So we walked to lippo, got genki sushi takeaway, walked to carrefour where we parked, and on the way back atikah had this sudden idea of eating @ taman 45. So we did. We reminisced old memories while eating rice bowls and sushi at park. Sounded pretty great except its taman 45 lmaoooo. Took a nap at atikahs place and then i went back. Tried matcha cookie by Chips Chat Lexley, its too crumbly :(( the taste was so so

8 - was sooo drained i dunno why. Slept and lazed around until 11-ish after i managed to shower and eat. Rip stamina. DL. Formatif with stella manda, dr asti and dr fuady. Digorenggg. the dark chocolate cookie tasted quite good. Finally a cookie that did not fail

9 - helped ical and ara for simul kompre, e, DL, played among us with candra and solid, paused the game to do formatif ea lmao. i need to studyy aaa

10 - DL, my body felt tooo drained from 1 (one) exercise lol. Symptoms. Ordered mujigae and janjiw caramel latte 1L because 10 10 promo. lazed all afternoon. planned to run because it’s cloudy but wacana is life. Watched MOTS On:E with racheel. Gladi resik nemo. Saw hakken cosplay’s IG live. among us. i was an impostor with cibe (participant: 10) and i somehow won lmaoo. edited 2 pld article so i finally caught up! just need to wait some more articles from reporter

11 - DL, symptoms, wasted my time rereading vampire knight for the n-th time

12 - DL, QA KMKP, read banifidi while drinking janjiw caramel latte and on god coffee rly helps me to focus and not get sleepy, talked with ara abt her session with dr jiemi (emotion vs cognition)

13 - DL, there’s no class today uye, drank caramel latte janjiw at 11am and yall i somehow became productive. finished reading banifidi, 2Padi. 

14 - Became captain at simul today, kasus HPP, i forgot to put O2 wtf :((((, bought 2 1-L package from sbux dm after school, and with +15k you get green tea frappe so i sat there for a bit for DT, felt a bit better (like im a normal functioning person???? like i dont feel sluggish). cicil IKK, passed lvl 4 DL

15 - DL, nemo as 2nd operator, vanilla latte nyom, thats all folks unfortunately

16 - DL, theres no schedule today, woke up at 10 am, vanilla latte and cicil PT, cicil IKK (only did a bit today), among us and i was the impostor 4 times lmaoo

17 - symptoms, in the soop 7, e, read on/off its too hilarious!! Finished 1 sitasi kompre

18 - last in the soop ep :(, e, DL, tugas kasus harian geri

19 - DL, the table i bought has arrived!, cicil IKK, joined ukmppd course, started at 18:30, its now 22:36,  still 14 questions to go... 

20 - DL, qa discussion with group, bought some plastic shoe boxes online, its cheap and it is great, bcs my shoes used to sit there in plastic bags, organized some stuff in my room for a bit!! my metal rack looks less messy yay. dk ikk, les

21 - Started my day early (finished shower by 7:30), DL, finished 1 ltm ikk and 1 sitasi PT, JK went live in youtube with his long hair and undercut, and literally afterwards YG came on vlive playing guitar. Its a good day indeed :”) its cloudy today, just a perfect shared to listen to youtube’s lofi study playlist. Barely paid attention in today's les, i rly need to reread the forensic one

22 - DL, formatted qa docx, looong qa zoom, read the dops form, tidied up my stuff for tomorrow and while waiting for les the dumbass me didnt realize that the mic is on and i muttered "masker n95..." lmaoooo. Paid attention in les. Took a shower while leaving the zoom (q&a sesh) and turns out its finished at 22:45. Yalll the tutors dedication though

23 - simul, waited around a bit, bought halo bowl from grab since im at school all day, tried chicken pesto. made me feel full, tasted like a typical "healthy food", not too oily. OK in the afternoon, did not get dops (not surprised), was today years old when i found out you can park motorbike beside gedung putih. Went home while listening to kuliah guru besar. Passed out in the 2nd part of les (bedah). That adds more of my course debt lmao

24 - Im trying out habitica now so DL documentations will be moved theree, trying to add the habit of reading quran. watched in the soop behind and dalbang, watched the social dilemma halfway (message: careful of being the social media’s product), ate nayam, slept again and woke up at 5 pm, made status anes, les (the freshest ive been so far. maybe because its saturday night, there’s only about 25+ participating until the end from the usual 50+)

25 - woke up early and showered, slept again, ate breakfast at 12 pm with banana and 2 brownies i need sugaar, reviewed forensics (les), made half of ltm ikk wow im kind of proud, submitted asinkronus, eval nemo

26 - icu and simul, the way back home was pleasantly cloudy, slept and woke for les, read anti PT and oh my assisant since i cant sleep during the night

27 - did ikk ppt, read TO SOLID answers (i got 65 and i feel sooo stupid, but the grade somehow changed to 66 which means pass), slepttt during the afternoon, dk ikk was pending bcs dr Indri was still doing surgery at 18:00. Les

28 - Felt like doing nothing. Watched the latest dalbang, PT briefing, dk ikk, les. Thats it omgggg my time keeps flying away

29 - Started my day early (6:30am) since i slept all the time :):):)), finished 1 ltm ikk, tried truffle belly, the nanban one. good enough and the rice is not too much which is nice. i dont rly know how the truffle oil’s supposed to smell (ive tried tubo before but i still have no idea). chose wahana choice for MPI (bismillah!!), finished reviewing TO SOLID 1, les

30 - it took me a whole day to read 1 (one) sitasi PT but im still proud nonetheless, how did time flyyyy tf. You’d think that this 5 day “holiday” i would learn a lot for kompre (haven’t started) and quickly checked off my to do list. for les i pulled the table near my bed so i was half listening half reading Private Lesson while laying down lmao

31 - checked 2 acads to do (i feel like when i do things in advance there will be stuff that make me go "ah tau gt nanti aja"), bingeing romee strijd's YouTube and its miracle i dont feel like shit after watching it (they literally go do amsterdam from sg to put their bags and then theyll go to miami?!), afternoon nap coz i cqnt bring myself to study kompre, cicil kompre bismillah.docx, last day of les (im not strong enough to follow until the end, bailed halfway), read a bit of blood link lmao, WTF ITS NOV 15 MINS FROM NOW :((( (writing this after sheetmasking, its 23:42) still not prepared for ukmppd kompre God Help Me

And thats it for Oct! I feel like there were some terrible mood phases, some ok ones, and those rare days when im up and about and refreshed and feel like doing things (most days im a sloth). Hope to do (and feel) better in Nov