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#thats the worst thing ive ever written. cant deal with it in first person. i need a full detachment of the self first

hello-yue-here · 3 years

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Yuetara, zukka, and maiko

yuetara

ship

1) its not one of my main ships. i dont rlly read fanfic for them but if i see a cute fanart of them ill enjoy it and i think i first started shipping it because of good fanarts for them.

2) i like yuetara because of how similar they are. theyre both women from the water tribe. they both understand the misogyny that they have faced. and they both said f sexism im gonna be a strong woman. i also love the tui and la parallel. moon spirit and ocean spirit parallel COME ON. YUE IS THE MOON. KATARA IS THE MOST POWERFUL WATERBENDER. THEY ARE THE OCEAN AND THE MOON. the push and pull they could give eachother. that dynamic ftw.

3) i guess if i didnt like something about this ship would be the fact that if i read a fic or see a fanart w yuetara then than means in that particular au i wont get any yuekka and yuekka is probably my second favorite ship. but then again if i get yuetara than i could get a plethora of other sokka ships to go with it so my sadness disappears in like two seconds. gosh shipping is hard sometimes until you remember ‘hey i have like fifty different universes in my head. all ur ships can coexist in ur brain olivia’ other than that i really see no downsides to this ship. maybe i wish it had more content. maybe if it had more content id ship it a lot more but its not one of the more popular ships so the content is kinda few n far between on my feed.

zukka:

SHIPPP

1) my boys. my babies. my loves. i watched this show for the first time when it came out on netflix and when it ended i really didnt ship anything other than kataang. i came onto tumblr to find fun atla content and one of the very first things i saw under the atla tag was zukka content. i was like oh? whats this? zukka? interesting... i was intrigued so i found a list of fic recs and i fell in love with the ship. the rest is history. its probably my number one ship because it was my very first ship here and im nostalgic

2) oh boy there is so much i like about this ship. i relate to a shit ton of characters in atla. but sokka and zuko may be the ones i relate to most. i relate to sokka because i tend to feel second best a lot to my friends. i try to stay positive but things rarely go the way i plan or hope for them too and while im happy for my friends and their achievements i oftentimes find myself thinking why cant that be me? and i see this a lot in sokka especially in sokkas master. i dont feel special a lot and idk seeing sokka feel the same way and then realizing he is special kinda helped me realize that im special too. on the flipside i relate to zuko because i have wild anger issues and difficulty dealing w my emotions a lot as well. i get broody and short tempered and insecure very often and i tend to push people away and i refuse to ask for help (the amount of teachers and adults and therapists who have told me its okay to ask for help ur not any weaker because of it is astounding. do i listen to them? .....im working on it.) and i saw a shit ton of this in zuko. book one and two zuko rarely asks for help as seen in the blue spirit and zuko alone and he pushes away uncle so many times and even when the gaang iffers to help him in i think its the chase he tells them to leave. when he finally has his redemption and joins the gaang and lets them kinda become a better person i was so happy. i want that for myself yk. seeing him finally win the agni kai and overcome his family that always told him he was nothing was such a win. my sister and i get along but when we were children we were very much like zuko and azula. it was extremely competitive all the time and there was so much toxicity and sibling drama to a concerning extent. we get along great now which im very happy about but yeah their sibling relationship hit a lil too on the nose for me. seeing as i relate to these character so much and want them ti be happy i want to live vicariously through them so seeing them together is amazing for me to project into them. i love projecting onto fictional characters and with them i can project onto BOTH so its a winwin. plus so many zukka fics are so well written and heartwarming and heartbreaking and emotional and fluffy anf UGH the talent here us astounding.

3) what do i not like about the ship? again the list is long. oops. mainly the toxic shippers. there are so many toxic zukka stans that sometimes make it hard for me to enjoy this ship but hey! thats what the block button is for:) i despise how often people infantilize zuko and completely ruin his character for the sake of making him a soft weak lil boy who needs protecting. thats just not zuko for me. and ive seen many many accounts even state that this kind of portrayal of zuko is rooted in racist stereotypes about asian men (now i am white so i personally have never experiences racism but i feel the need to bring that up because it is wrong and attention needs to be brought to it because a lot of poc fans have criticised this) and the same for sokka. some ppl rlly skew his character and make him a big strong brute and hypermasculine and once again poc fans have said that this take is rooted in racist stereotypes. again! these are just my opinions! this is my favorite ship! but i think its important to acknowledge some of the bad parts of our ships as well and be critical where criticism is needed :))

maiko

ship

1) I LOVE MAIKO. “i dont hate you” “i dont hate you too” BRUH. my little heart just burst into flames. im sorry guys but maiko is so cute. they hate everything except eachother. BRUH that is one of the cutest tropes. i shipped them the moment i saw them together onscreen and i was so happy when zukos face lit up in the finale when mai came back.

2) “i hate everything but i have a soft spot for you” TAKE MY MONEY I AM A SUCKER FOR THIS. they are so cute together. like zuko is rarely happy in a majority of atla but mai makes him happy and i- 🥺🥺 HE DESERVES IT. and mai is always so supportive of him. when hes stressing out about the war meeting she tries her best to comfort him. and zuko cares about her too. he may not be the best at showing it but oh my god hes TRYING HIS BEST. i think its a very accurate portrayal of teenage relationships because they arent perfect and they do fight but like,, every teenage relationship does that. and even after everything and how he left her in the fire nation she still had his back at boiling rock. she still risked her life against azula to save his butt.

3) the thing i hate about maiko isnt even about maiko. its about antis who think mai is toxic and that zuko deserves better. that has got to be the worst take ive ever heard. they had a fight in ember island. that is NORMAL. they are teenagers. they are not perfect. but underneath all the rough edges and things they need to work out they still care about eachother so freaking much. i genuinelt believe that neither of them would do anything to intentionally hurt the other and i think thats what matters the most. if anything mai is the best girlfriend in the entire world because zuko fucked up like,, quite a few times. he got rlly jealous and dumped her thru a letter and ppl always say that mai was toxic for being mad at him for those two things. umm she had every right to be mad at him for both of those. and while zuko is allowed to feel his emotions and be angry sometimes as well sometimes he needs to think things thru and realize that hey maybe some if this jealousy is unfounded. BUT EVEN THEN. HE RESPECTED HER FEELINGS AND DIDNT TOUCH HER WHEN SHE SAID DONT TOUCH ME. HE RESPECTED HER. so i hate toxic maiko takes because they are literally so wrong in my opinion.

again all of these are just my opinions!! feel free to agree or disagree but please be respectful!! i will respect whatever u think as well because this is all just for fun :)

#atla #avatar the last airbender #zukka #yuetara #maiko #ship game #ask game #long post #wow i wrote a lot #also if anyone wants to talk ships feel free to message me!

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tigerdrop · 3 years

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Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

#asky #careposting

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chikkou · 3 years

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someone probably asked this already but would u feel like writting on your thoughts on dingalings opinions/statements about buddy? i never got to around to play the lisa games after the first one but im getting the context both from the stuff uve written on it and my gf who played the game and she seems like the best character in the game imo

well im glad u asked.... (does a gay little walk over to the keyboard)

ok so as was mentioned by the last lisa anon i got, buddy is austins least favorite character. i cant recall if he ever specified why exactly in public, but i have seen an interview that he did shortly after the painful came out, so i think i have a LITTLE more context for his thought process (and please remember this is all conjecture, i literally dont know this man LMAO)

so first, for some background: buddy was adopted by brad when he found her abandoned as a baby, but her birth father is dr. yado, the man who created olathe (with buzzo!). she bears a notably striking resemblance to lisa, especially as she gets older - in fact, i think thats part of why brad chose to keep her. for reference, heres lisa, and heres buddy. obviously these are sprites and not indicative of their exact appearance, but this should make it pretty obvious what i mean. note that, even though brad knows how unsafe it is for buddy to “look like a girl,” he still keeps her hair long like lisas was. buzzo noted the similarity between them in the joyful as well. brad also treats her in a similar (but NOT the exact same) manner that marty did to lisa, but i will get into that in another ask i got LMAO

now, as to why austin doesnt like her. so, this may be reading into things a little too much, but i know for a fact that brad is austins favorite character, AND that austin based brads character and experiences on that of his own father, whom he had a sort of mixed relationship with by his own admission (and i believe his dad was also named “bradley” skjfsds). i dont know any details about this at all, but to my understanding, austins dad also wrestled with addiction, and had a bit of a “rough” personality like brad. austin mentioned in that interview dealing with resentment toward his father for a long time, but that he eventually realized that his father was doing the best that he could in spite of his own upbringing, and even though it didnt excuse the shitty stuff hed done, it made austin somewhat more understanding of the difficult position he was in. so, if brad is austins dad.... well, its not that far of a leap to speculate who buddy likely represents. and it colors a lot of the way he depicts her actions.

the painful, for all its amazing content, sort of dropped the ball on showing why buddy hated brad so much. the only things we know about buddy and brads relationship in that game come from the intro or directly from buddy, and since she never goes into detail (which is fair in-context since brad clearly knows the intricacies of their relationship LMAO), it makes it seem like the worst thing brad has done is forced buddy to stay inside and occasionally passed out from substance abuse. however, as we learn in the joyful, that is not true at all. brad insulted buddy (called her an idiot for asking about brads estranged son), forced her to kill at least two innocent men because, and i quote, “my daughter will not be weak,” and tried to isolate her from the only other people in her life (her uncles, rick, sticky, and cheeks) after they DARED to tell her a small tidbit about brads past. brad may not have been anywhere near as abusive as marty, but if i described all of these things together and asked a random person if they considered them abusive behaviors for a parent, i think id be likely to get an affirmative response.

now, this is not to say that austin doesnt make it a point to show brad mistreating buddy in the painful proper - in the marty scene, brad literally punts buddy across a room because she begs him not to kill him, and then when she throws herself between marty and brad to get him to stop, brad doesnt hesitate to beat the fuck out of her until she has to withdraw. remember too that buddy is not an adult, by any stretch of the imagination - austin confirmed on twitter that she is nowhere near 18. i personally put her age in the 10-12 range, but ive seen people go as high as 14 or 15. in either case, though, this is a fucking CHILD, and beating her like he did is no different than what marty used to do to both him and lisa.

even in spite of this stuff, though, fans are so much more willing to forgive brads behavior than buddys. there are a few reasons for this, but in a more meta-sense, theres a pretty clear reason why buddy is less sympathetic - because we spend WAY less time with her. in the painful, buddy is not on screen until maybe 5-10 hours into gameplay, and we dont even get any real time with her until the games second half. the joyful, in addition to that, is an EXTREMELY short game; the painful is about 20-30 hours, but the joyful runs about 5 hours max. it was a kickstarter stretch goal, and i honestly wish austin hadnt made it a stretch goal and had spent more time working on it, because while it does some really interesting stuff story-wise, it is severely lacking the run time to make buddys story as compelling as brads.

primarily, though, i believe its because brad gets freudian excuses that at least EXPLAIN his behavior and also show just how many demons he has been fighting. while buddy has just as good of a reason to be the way she is, we never really get to SEE this stuff point blank like we did with brad. we witness him being hurt and mistreated as a kid, and more still as an adult in flashbacks. we get almost nothing from buddy, even though it is obvious that she is suffering in a very unique way.

so, circling back to your question - why is buddy austins least favorite? i think, quite simply, he seems to identify with her character in the context of buddys relationship with brad, and that actually makes him like her LESS because he has the benefit of hindsight and experience-based wisdom to empathize much more with the brads character and experiences than buddys. so even though brad and buddy are the same in many ways, where he can see brads actions as understandable (if a bit extreme), he cant see buddys in quite the same way. it would be fine if he just felt that way privately, but unfortunately it leaks into the games themselves and leads to many fans not being able to see her perspective and empathize with her, either. and it really does suck bc buddy is definitely one of the most interesting video game protags ive ever seen LMAO

tl;dr austin probably dislikes buddy because brad is based on his own father, and the relationship between brad and buddy is very likely based on his own relationship with his father. there also wasnt enough time in buddys game for her to become more sympathetic, so if ur not really paying attention, it seems like shes just being a bratty teenager instead of, u know. a victim of abuse on a massive scale. so yeah

#long post #lisa the joyful #lisa the painful #anya's replies #amigarobot #i cant even apologize for this honestly im just having too much fun talking abt lisa LMAO #abuse #lisa

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kingjasnah · 4 years

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actually. actually let’s talk about diversity in fantasy let’s give that a go. im mad and im gonna be that way for a while

don’t want to read all this? fair. tldr: fantasy writers who rely not only on the medieval europe model but also hide behind historical accuracy in 2020 (fuck it, from ‘95 onwards) are lazy and unimaginative and should be held accountable no matter how many white 20 year old dudes jerk off to whatever power fantasy is embedded in the plot. so lets chat about that lads. (slightly) drunk rant under the cut

now prelim shit: we know fantasy is used both as escapism and as a way to deal with various traumas via magical metaphor. staples of the genre. even if jk rowling busted out the laziest and at times offensive metaphor for ww2 and racism ive ever seen, she still adhered to time and true tropes. whatever.

so why have we, in this post game of thrones era, become insanely obsessed with realism? i can hear sixty 20-something year old men crying at me rn like oh ohh oh its based off the war of roses oh wahh all medieval fantasy fiction is based off england and the crusades anyway so women should get raped and people of color should be demonized its not racism its xenophobia and also gay people dont exist and disabled people are systematically killed off and if we stretch the magic fixes mental illness thing a LITTLE further we have straight up eugenics.

we all know where the england but myth thing came from. now the thing about tolkien is that while i will always absolutely love lotr, looking at the LAZY state of fantasy? damn i kinda wish he hadn’t revolutionized the genre. the bitch was still racist. he still didnt give a shit abt women (eowyn was just a vehicle to show how much he fucking hated macbeth anyone holding jrrt up as a feminist icon for that needs to sit the fuck down and explain to me why i can count the woman speaking roles in lotr, a story with a name and fleshed out backstory for every minor character, on one hand but thats! another post). he had something to say abt class with sam i’ll give him that but he is still 100% NOT what we need to hold our standards to in 2020.

i dont want to talk about old school fantasy, like 80s early 90s cause theres literally no point. its sexist, racist, ableist for sure, this we know. david eddings (not even that old school tbh) can rise from the grave and explain himself to me personally and i still wont forgive him for ehlana.

so let’s talk historical accuracy. quick question. who the FUCK gives a shit? WHO is this elusive got fan who’s out here like blehh actually??? this method of iron production is TOTALLY anachronistic of the time. ummm these vegetables in this fictional world were NOT native to english soil so how are they here? cause i know this is the classic argument but ive never actually met someone who cared about the lack of dysentery as much as they care abt the women getting raped on screen/page.

god forbid you have to worldbuild for a second god forbid you can’t rely on the idea of fantasy readers already have in their head god forbid you have an original idea god forbid you spend more than two seconds thinking about ur setting (oh i should mention i dont....really blame GoT for its setting cause of how long ago it was og written but trust me i sure as hell blame grrm for writing a 13 yr old giving ‘consent’ to sex with a grown man within the first couple of chapters)

If we accept the basic premise of fantasy as escapism, and i AM drunk so i will NOT be finding fuckin. quotes and shit for this but come on tolkien said it himself and as much as i’ll drag him he crafted the simplest and most powerful fantasy metaphors on the board rn. But if we know its escapism. If we know. then who is it escapism for? certainly not for me, the gay brown woman who busted through all of GoT in 10th grade.

modern fantasy lit used as an excuse for that white male power fantasy is literally disgusting. calling historical accuracy is so fucking dumb ESPECIALLY cause we, as ppl in the 21st century, KNOW women have been consistently written out of the story. poc ppl, gay and trans ppl, anyone with a god forbid disability has been WRITTEN out of history as we know it, INCLUDING the fucking war of the roses so HOW can we hold up testimony we know is flawed to support our FICTIONAL. STORY. just to??? support the white power fantasy?? literally noah fence but if you are a white guy who felt really empowered by every time jim butcher described a woman tell me: how do you think that’ll hold up in classic HisToRiCaL fantasy. you think thats a fucking noble pursuit? or are you grima wormtongue out here.

(side note: jim butcher stop writing challenge i dont need to know abt every woman on page’s nipples. anyone who hides behind subgenre like that? ‘ohhh its a noir story thats why hes sexualizing everyone’ shut the fuck up an author isnt possessed by a fuckin muse and compelled to bust out 500k they have agency and they have choice and they MADE the choice to reserve said will for none of their female characters)

which brings me to point 2: target audience and BOY is the alcohol hitting me rn but WHO is this for? this isnt the fucking 80s we know poc and other marginalized folk read fantasy FOR the escapism. on god ive had a cosmere focused blog for nearly three years and. im just gonna say it im interacted with A LOT of yall and ive managed to talk to VERY few white straight ppl as compared to everyone else.

like....who deserves to see the metaphor on homophobia or racism. joanne rowling? the bitch who literally tried to sell us happy slaves and the disgusting aids metaphor and the worst case of antisemitic stereotypes i ever saw in an nyt bestseller? yall think that was for US? or was it for the white guilt crowd.

literally white people can find any book about them that they can relate to. but hmmm maybe theres a reason gay women care so much about stormlight archive’s jasnah kholin, a brown woman who’s heavily coded as wlw. or kaladin, the FIRST fantasy protag ive ever seen with clinical depression. hmm i wonder why a bunch of millennials are vibing all of a sudden. im not saying sanderson is perfect--but its the best ive seen from a white author tbh

maybe theres a reason a lot of poc vibe with a literary way to express trauma, and maybe thats why i specifically get so pissed when its not done well. theres a REASON books about outcasts pushing through and claiming their own lives are popular with people who arent white and straight and able bodied. Junot Diaz had a point. maybe lets STOP catering to those assholes who think theyre joseph campbell’s wet dream personified. ive lost respect SO many authors who are objectively talented. pat rothfuss can write so beautifully that ive cried to bits of name of the wind but literally i will never pick that series up again (not just because of the felurian. women in general tbh. mostly the felurian ngl) cause 1) i personally KNEW men whod jerk off to that shit and 2) there was no need for it there was no plot reason for ANY of that shit

so like obviously thers an issue with authors of color specifically not getting recognized for fantasy and genre work but on god??????? im still mostly mad at the legions of white authors churning out the same medieval england chosen one books year after fucking year. have an original thought maybe. also im sorry that you as an author lack the basic empathy needed to examine the way that women? or any group of people that youre explicitly writing about see the world and would specifically see YOUR made up world.

yes your fantasy should be diverse, but more than that it should be kind. if you as a writer cant respect groups of people who deserve it....what the hell are you doing in a genre that traditionally is about finding ways to express injustice through metaphor? tolkien’s hero was sam. fantasy was NEVER about the privileged. yall know who you are so stop acting so fucking entitled. peace out.

#disclaimer ive had a bit to drink. and instead of getting ridiculously emotional like normal and plud in a trek movie #im mad! surprise shes mad now. not at BS specifically dont worry this is still a cosmere stan zone but im mad and im gonna talk about it #if no one reads this ur valid but if you do im gonna be mad or another two hours before i force myself to #man idk feel free to talk tho #this is so stupid im sorry i got so heated i plugged in the BoP soundtrack #and like just #well youll see

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spiderrrling · 4 years

Note

Alright then, you asked for it. For the personal asks 4-73 😌

aight but you gotta read them all

4: What do you think about most?

sadly, school

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

fab texted me “you should never trust teenagers”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

i sleep in a t-shirt and underwear

7: What’s your strangest talent?

my hyperflexible joints

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are amazing, boys are amazing sometimes

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

no and i hope it will never happen

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

air drums is my preferred method of air instruments and just earlier today

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

needles, cant do them at all i will physically hurt you if you try

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

i mean i did a covid test does that count? i shoved a perler bead up my nose when i was 4

13: What’s your religion?

i am atheist

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

walking or maybe camping i love me a good camping trip

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behindddd i am very awkward in photos

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

at the moment, all time low

17: What was the last lie you told?

i told my mom i studied for this test that i havent studied for

18: Do you believe in karma?

fairly yeah

19: What does your URL mean?

this one is nothing special, just the spiderrrling

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i actually dont know, ive been told im very emotionally strong due to what would probably be my greatest weakness, my chronic pain

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

idk if you could guess but its tom holland

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

no not really

23: How do you vent your anger?

i write or i text friends or i rant here on tumblrdotcom

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

books, i have a lot of books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

depends on the person im talking with

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yeah mostly

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hospital beeping sounds, cant stand them. i love the sound of rain

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

i didnt quit gymnastics

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

i mean technically we are aliens, there is no way we are alone in the universe

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

my right, my wall

my left, nothing

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

smells like rain bc my window is open and it just rained

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

idk maybe a place in denmark?

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

never been to the us

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

alex garskath

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

36: Define Art.

art is anything if you ask me

37: Do you believe in luck?

sometimes

38: What’s the weather like right now?

it just rained but its gonna rain more

39: What time is it?

10.27 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

no i dont drive

41: What was the last book you read?

i just finished volume 3 of heartstopper and currently reading northern lights

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

honestly yeah

43: Do you have any nicknames?

i do! for those who dont know im fox, ive gone by fox for many years and i respond to it like its my name

44: What was the last film you saw?

i rewatched howls moving caslte

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

my knee is really bad from gymnastics

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

yes!

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

yes multiple, UCLA gymnastics, generally gymnastics, plague doctors, books, percy jackson

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

i am a raging bisexal

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

id like to not get into this just bc it happened very recently

50: Do you believe in magic?

yeah

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

depends on what they did

52: What is your astrological sign?

i am a scorpio

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i save money but i also spend it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

i bought 58 books on a discount book store

55: Love or lust?

love

56: In a relationship?

sadly i am very single

57: How many relationships have you had?

one

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

59: Where were you yesterday?

at school then at home studying

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

probably but my room is dark rn

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

not wearing socks rn but i only own black socks anyway

62: What’s your favourite animal?

foxes or penguins or polar bears, i like most animals to be honest

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

just be nice and be able to deal with my ranting

64: Where is your best friend?

way too far from me in norway

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

@uglypastels @hey-its-grey @wvllywest @hauntedtom @anxieteandbiscuits

66: What is your heritage?

norwegain/swedish

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

sleeping, i need my sleep

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

i think thats his first name

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

who hasnt

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

i mean i bake, cook and give great hugs

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

i have too much anxiety to be late

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a. i tell those i care about

b. live my life to the fullest

c. i already have what? 4 chronic conditions?

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust is its own kind of love in my opinion

there u happy now z? now its your turn

#uglypastels #asks and answers

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discountdyke · 3 years

Note

I know nothing about TMA but I’m a gossip pls release the rant if you’d like 👀

firstly id like to say this ask is a christmas gift in itself, i LOVE an excuse to rant about tma. this is gonna be long tho so lets head under the cut

tma is a podcast produced by rusty quill which really means that it started with a few white guys, and as such, the voice cast is almost completely white and its one of those media with “aracial” characters. however, they’re clearly written as white bc, well, there wasnt any effort to do otherwise. so this is the beginning of many problems.

the biggest instance of racism is with a family of avatars of the flesh - a horror power involving flesh/meat. the family is chinese, and sells ppl human meat in their chinese restaurant. this is extremely and overtly racist, and back then they didnt have any sensitivity readers or common sense i guess, so they just. did that. one of the episodes involving them had a “horror” element in which one of the characters speaks in english. this is supposed to be scary bc “how could a chinese person know english??” in order to avoid addressing this, in a later episode the characters only refer to them vaguely without names. this issue was unaddressed for YEARS before an apology was given, only for them to do what? more racist shit.

two of the main characters in tma are cops and as such are a heavy-handed metaphor for police brutality. one of them, daisy, commits violent atrocities bc she is an avatar of another power called “the hunt”. she basically just kills whoever the police tell her to. her cop partner, basira, excuses her actions bc “they were criminals”. its clear that these characters are supposed to be bad but then things get weird - theres an entire arc about whether its morally correct to kill daisy. bc she has a little redemption arc. unfortunately, if ur a cop, u dont deserve a redemption arc. so theres this big thing about “well shes a better person now” etc coming from all of the characters, not just her partner. it really waters down the message imo.

so, what do you do when you write a horror podcast with themes about capitalism and police brutality? you write an episode about a white person going to prison and experiencing police brutality. i cant even begin to express how inappropriate that is - especially since its a lazy attempt at horror. their excuse was “well, 2020 is unprecedented”. uh, cops have been committing police brutality since their invention. the blm movement started in 2013 - no excuse for saying ‘we wrote the eps in advance and theyre just hitting close to home”.

and, tbh, it could have been written well but it just wasnt? and then there was a high profile police brutality case in the us so they delayed release until the next week - bc police brutality only happens once in a while, right? imo it wasnt the episode itself that was the most offensive, it was the idea that black ppl are only murdered by cops every once in a while and its just a topical issue, not something that happens every day.

i started off with the racism bc i think thats tma’s biggest problem, but the thing about it is this: tma is well written. or it was, up until season 5. but when season 5 started airing it was bad. it was really bad. it throws away the entire formula that it used for the first 4 seasons, has a couple that constantly argue and try to undermine each other, the main character has suddenly flipped into full murder mode so that each week they just kill off another character. it became extremely bland, the horror which was generally surreal - random doors appearing, uncanny valley creatures, skies that never ended - into everyday horror. it was a huge tonal shift and now instead of hearing about an endless neighborhood with no people, it became “capitalism sucks. the government sucks. the police suck.” over and over again which, while true, does not a good horror podcast make.

the point of this is: when you look at how bad season 5 is, you realize how bad the rest of it is as well. it doesnt hold up under its own writing. little details that could be ignored, or even huge problems like the continual racism suddenly became glaring issues. not to mention character arcs which had developed slowly suddenly took huge turns in s5 out of nowhere.

the worst example (which i stopped listening so ive only heard this second hand) is a character who was a spooky woman who had a weird door that made u crazy, turns out to be politcally conservative the whole time. and she was about how, like, you think you know ppl, and then theyre conservative. or something. just, really bad political analysis.

id also like to point out that in the prison episode in s5 which is a culmination of the “police are evil and bad” theme ends with the characters talking about how this one guy deserves to be in prison. liberalism at its finest here.

there are a lot of narrative issues in tma but it really boils down to this: we excused a shitload of racism bc there was good writing. and now theres no good writing. also jonny sims singlehandedly created the most annoying gay characters to ever exist.

i dont think that jonny is a bad guy but he is woefully inequipped to deal with the big real world problems and themes he built on. its sad, tbh, bc its something that COULD have been really amazing.

he tweeted once that the s5 finale would be a “chocolate torte of tragedy” where i assume hes going to kill off either one or both of the gay characters, but the real chocolate torte was the way he ruined his own podcast.

tldr; tma’s writing built up to something it couldnt actually do. and that made the whole thing collapse. also its really, really racist.

#tma /#clouiis #talking tag #sorry if this ends up in the tags this is truly a dont like dont read moment #and dont come at me with bad takes i will just delete them #sorry this is probably way more than u wanted but there is a lot i didnt mention #like how he posthumously made grimaldi the clown transgender?? and a VILLAIN????#so add transmisogyny to the list

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blackgirlblues · 4 years

Text

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi,

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry.

I know it’s a lonely place to be in.

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it.

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems.

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase.

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer.

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history.

Big yikes.

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music.

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power.

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true.

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label.

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company.

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite.

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards.

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms.

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place.

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya.

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold.

But I still got out of it and I’m still here.

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true.

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer.

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life.

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours.

and then never put any more energy into them again.

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it.

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive.

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music.

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music.

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life.

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top.

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

#blackgirlology #black girl #black power #black love #black blogger #Black Blogs #music #blog #blogger #journal #journaling #diary entry #diary of a black girl #diary #dear diary #tumblr diary #dreams

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aggressiveviking · 6 years

Text

i was tagged by @didhs-random-things Name: Nikki (i hate my full name so you’ll have to be satisfied with this) Star sign: Aries Height: 164 cm Middle name: Savov (for us the middle name comes from the first name of the father of the child and my dad first name is Sava) Put your music on shuffle. What are the first four songs that come on?:

(i don’t have all my music in the same place and for the last 2 years i mainly listen music through Spotify and Youtube. So im going to put on shuffle the music i have on my phone but the music there is piling up since 2006 - so i don’t listen to more than half of it and i can’t be bothered to clean it up. ALSO i stopped putting new music there when i started using Spotify)

Hollywood Undead - Apologize (The Man From U.N.C.L.E OST) Daniel Pemberton - Breaking In (Searching The Factory) Marianas Trench - Stutter

Grab the nearest book, page 23, line 17: - “God is perfect.” (The Last Four Things, Paul Hoffman) Have you ever had a song or a poem written about you: Nope. Unless it was something stupid a friend might have written to annoy me in high school but i honestly have no memory. When did you last play air guitar?: actually... today lmao i was trying to embarrass my sister on the bus home (its a long story) Celebrity crush: uh thats a though one cause i always change my crushes super fast and i come back to old ones just as fast. Right now im back to Matt Bomer the sweetest baby in the world! What’s a sound you hate and a sound you love?: Hate: snoring Love: rain (when i have to deal with snoring i play rain sounds on my headphones so i would be able fall asleep... and then in the morning the ears hurt from sleeping with headphones so... ugh) Do you believe in ghosts?: maybe. What about aliens?: maybe. Do you drive?: i drive people insane HAHA-ha... No. I cant drive anything. Im a disappointment to my family and peers If you drive, have you ever crashed?: What’s the last book you read?: The Lizardman Heroes (Overlord #4) Do you like the smell of gasoline?: i bit but it makes me woozy fast. i prefer the smell of paint/varnish What’s the last movie you saw?: RED (hilarious!) Worst injury you’ve ever had?: lmao i’ve had so many accidents in which ive injured myself but the only one where i had to go to the ER was when i passed out in the shower and i cracked my head on a bucket. i was fine mind you (i have a thick skull) lmao but the bucked broke to pieces and cut up my whole face. Not counting the small cuts all over, they had to glue back my chin (now i have a big scar under it) and i had a big vertical cut on one of my cheeks (u can still see it if you look for it. i liked it better when it was really visible because it made me look So badass... minus the whole falling in the bathroom detail LOL) Any current obsessions?: hmm... not really. i really like the Overlord novels and i want to know what happens next.. but i’m not obsessing over it. i CAN re-watch the whole White Collar tv show in one sitting but im watching it now with my family so i exercise patience (or at least i try). Do you hold grudges against those who wronged you?: yeah. i thought im not that kind of person but at that time nobody had really wronged me that seriously. Are you in a relationship?: With myself. its complicated. at least we have a satisfying sex life lmao im tagging (you dont have to do it if you dont want to): @thestolengalaxy @sachanpwns @moderateslytherin @ihni @selenedarkbloom @women-seem-wicked @crzyhead-rock-el @sparkleeye @captainwingdings @heart-eyes-harrington

#about me #wastingtime draws

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theimpressionnant · 6 years

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RANT (because I don’t express my feelings in real life)

DISCLAIMER : *i’m really bad at writing down my thoughts, so if they appear all over the place, and just messy, you know why :/*

This is also the first time i’ve ever written down my feelings, so its pretty must just a vomit of words

So 2016 and 2017 have probably been one of the worst years ever, in terms of personal and academic.

I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am as a person, if that even makes sense. It’s like things have gotten so bad for me, and my expectations so high, that I’m not really the person I feel like I imagine myself to be? I like to think of myself as a smart person, but then looking at my ‘achievements’ nothing says ‘smart’. And as a result Ive kinda lost who I am as a person. Am I that smart, productive confident person I was? Or was that just a phase? At the same time, I feel like I know myself so much that I end up second guessing myself, mostly telling myself that something bad will happen, and that I wont achieve my goals. And it often, it does happen. These two years I’ve been trying to figure out who I really am, but i’ve reached no success.

And also, I cant seem to achieve anything. Putting myself down has sort of become a second nature to me. Any aspect of life I feel like i’m a failure. And to a certain extent I do believe it. Its sort of like a ‘why me’ sort of thing. Why would I succeed? Why would I be successful? ‘nothing successful happens to me, so why should I be able to achieve anything?’ And as a result, to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m going to graduate in the coming year, because I don’t see myself there. The students in my class are freaking geniuses. Im literally the dumbest person there. They’ve got all their shit together, and then there’s me. Its been stressing my out so much that I completely trashed my mid year exams, and as a result, had to sign a contract saying that if I don’t pass all my classes in the end of year exams, I’ll get kicked out of the international baccalaureate programme, because I may not be able to cope with the workload. Thing is, I feel like I can, but then i have this load of negativity on my back that I can’t shake off because I feel like everything i tell myself is true. And I dont say it out of self pity. I say this out of objectivity. I can’t handle lies like 'I will succeed’ or that ‘i’ll make it’ when I know I won’t. And its so annoying. I wanna believe in myself. But I don’t wanna disappoint myself, and put myself even further down by telling myself that I will succeed, but then fail. Because that means i just lied to myself, just gave myself false hope. I feel like thats my biggest fear. To promise myself, or to tell myself that I’ll succeed, and then not do so. Because I’ve done that too much. Worked so hard and then failed when I told myself that I will succeed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to go through it again and again, because it makes it even more painful than it already is to just be me. I feel like I cant love myself if I fail. And i’m going to be honest. At the moment, I hate myself. I really do. Sometimes I cant bear looking at myself in the mirror, because I dont feel like looking at a stupid piece of failure. Intelligence has always been something i liked to define myself as. And I always used to define myself with it. But now i feel like nothing. Because i have noting to define myself as. Those numbers I used to define myself as are not worth even mentioning. So I’m kinda nothing right now.

And I know i shouldn’t define myself as my grades. But its pretty hard to do so when my whole life is determined by the number I get in the end of next year. It’s an obsession I really want to get rid of.

but Its not only me that can’t understand myself (lol what?), its others.

And I don’t say it out of 'coolness’ or 'ugh, nobody understands me’

It’s a genuine feeling of isolation.

Since was a child, I would have this really bad habit of rejecting people in general, because I feel like they hate me, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. I just feel like it’s safer to get rid of them first then have go go through the pain of being told, go away or something. Because that makes me think of myself horribly, which again, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. And as a result. I’ve blocked out everyone I feel like I could’ve had good connections with. And I just feel so alone lol help.

But then again I have my family, the only people I haven’t crossed out of my life (and never will) and thats better than anything.

Come to think of it, I kinda feel everyone hates me. Teachers, family friends, people I sometimes talk to at school. Its crazy. And the thing is, i know they probably don’t, but yet I can easily convince myself otherwise. Ask for a pen in class? Yup they hate me. Who wouldn’t? I literally asked for a pen in the middle of class. Asked what we had for homework because i was away? They probably think i’m dumb, and therefore, they hate me. Its as simple as that. But its so convincing. I don’t know how to explain it. I know it’s stupid, but I believe it. And as a result, I feel like the whole world is watching me, because they hate me. Like every move I make is being judged. Walking to next class? Eating? Walking into a shop? I’m so annoying. They must hate me. And it gets exhausting. I dont want to deal with it. Even my siblings get annoyed with my constant cringing in public places.

But the thing is, I can’t talk to people about my personal feelings, i find it so cringe. But at the same time I want to get rid of it. Because it’s been affecting my studies a lot. And Since I’m starting year 12 very soon, I want to fix it before the stress starts.

I don’t know, it’s just one of those things about myself that i just cant articulate.

I think its because of my general self esteem as well? Like I’ve picked up this really bad habit of never looking at my grades after a test. I remember when my grades used to be really high, i would be reaallly eager to get my grade. Expecting nothing under a 90%, and I would get just that. But now, when i get the paper back, I would just put the paper in my folder without looking at the mark, and have to prepare myself over hours to look at it, so that if i would get a bad mark i wouldn’t panic and tell myself negative things. Which AGAIN, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. Its gone to the extent that I haven’t opened my exam results, and they were released three weeks ago. I mean, I haven’t been called, like other students have, about their bad results, and it’s summer holidays now, so schools done, but I feel like they’re saving the worst till last. I don’t intend on looking at my marks, because I just don’t want to disappoint my family, who think i’m a dream student. I don’t even know if I failed or passed the exams. And I studied for them like no tomorrow, but its just a fear of looking at my results. Even if i where to look at my results, I feel like nothing is enough for me. Regardless of my grades. Even if I get a reasonably good score, I’ll find an excuse to tell myself such as 'any idiot could have gotten a 97%’ or 'it was by chance (whatever the hell that means) or anything else along those lines.

And I’ve realised how dumb I sound when i think all of these thoughts.

and so i’ve come to realisation that if I want to at least pass year 12, I really need to stop with these toxic thoughts. Because they’ve messed me up emotionally and academically.

I really miss years 2014, 2015. Those years were the best. Remembering them makes me really sad. I just miss the simplicity, grades, and good memories :)

For me, 2018 will be a year of working on myself, good grades, healthy lifestyle and just good vibes <3 Oh, and also graduation hopefully^-^

Im sorry if this is so dull. I promise I’m not as sad and depressed it looks like. Words dont show tone and facial expression lol

#2018 #2017 #2016 #self evaluation #personal #rant #new year

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katie-june · 7 years

Text

I am gay and answered Qs w/o being asked :^)

1. Are looks important in a relationship? Yes and no /^: idk 2. Are relationships ever worth it? always 3. Are you a virgin? Depends on ur definition, ive never done the Real Deal 4. Are you in a relationship? Yea :^) 5. Are you in love? Yea :^) 6. Are you single this year? Na and i hope i will nevr b 7. Can you commit to one person? Ya p much, like i dont Have 2 b with any1 else 8. Describe your crush neat-o! 9. Describe your perfect mate i am v confused on what i like atm 10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Na i believe thats called lust 11. Do you ever want to get married? I hope so!! 12. Do you forgive betrayal? Easily 13. Do you get jealous easily? In a reltionship-y way Never 14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Ya :^) 15. Do you have any piercings? I got big ol holes in my ears )^: 16. Do you have any tattoos? Lil gay ones on my hand ( an A for Amber and a peace sign) 17. Do you like kissing in public? Like na but if u rlly want 2 then sure! 20. Do you shower every day? I try /-: 21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I hope so 22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Prolly not 23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? yea 24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Prolly not but it’d b fun 25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? Yee!! 26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? yea 27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? Me n lea used to write poems 28. Have you ever been cheated on? Not rlly 29. Have you ever cheated on someone? no 30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Like ya ,, but prolly would never ( my nose) 31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? yee 32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yea i think so 33. Have you ever had sex with a man? :^/ i dont love this question 34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Ya i guess 35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? yea 36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? I like like my bff Leanna 37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? I dont think so? 38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yeea lmao 39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Ive been in love w/ 2 many teachers )^: ………. I was v dumb 40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? yee 41. Have you had sex so far this year? Like ya if u define it that way 42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? 2 sec prolly if im not scared 43. How long was your longest relationship? 3+ yrs !! 44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 1, little leann 45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? 0-1 ? 46. How many times did you have sex last year? Who knows lol idk how 2 count 47. How old are you? 18!! 48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? “I know” 49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Evrything ,, but also how sweet n pure she is, plus she is thicc 50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? My 1st true love was prolly lea so idk why she’d apologize 51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? yea 52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? I never give up on any1 tbh 53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? Prolly,, im gay 54. Is there someone you will never forget? Idk this is a wonky question 55. Share a relationship story. na 56. State 8 facts about your body im only doin 4 ..im 5’1,i have small hands,i am v flat, and i have the Worst nose 57. Things you want to say to an ex i dont have 1 58. What are five ways to win your heart? Be sweet to me,, hold me,, let me hold u,, tell me im small,, sing 2 me 59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!) n o 60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? Idk the definition Of partner?? 1 year i guess if its lea 61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Who nose? Charm maybe? 62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Be nice 2 me,, sing to me?? Idk 63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Prolly doing the Real Deal but since im with a lady i guess doin sum else 64. What is your definition of cheating? U can do stuff with other ppl as long as i kno ,, if its a secret then thts cheating 65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? Who nose im vanilla and gay 66. What is your favourite roleplay? N o n e… reminds me of furries 67. What is your idea of the perfect date? Anythin 68. What is your sexual orientation? Bi i guess but ill b with any1 // I don't love labels 69. What turns you off? Idk tbh ?? depends 70. What turns you on? Neck kisses n stuff, singin,, gentle affection (im lonely) 71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? I dont remember tbh 72. What words do you like to hear during sex? Prolly anything if its said the right way 73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Give me attention 74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? A nice voice or smthn 75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Lea gave me meaning in life and someone 2 wake up next 2 76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Who nose 77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? Above 18 who cares 78. What’s your dirtiest secret? Cant remember 79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Like never tbh idk 80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Prolly a few minutes/ an hour ago 81. Who are five people you find attractive? I dont like this 1 82. Who is the last person you hugged? leann! 83. Who was your first kiss with? Leann!! 84. Why did your last relationship fail? It didnt )^: ?? 85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Hell yea

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mytechnologyinfo · 5 years

Text

An Awesome LOVE STORY

Could you remember vashu(name of a guy)?

Yeah... He is the one who has fullfilled his sisters's last wish.

Rekha married praveen and both are working as a government doctor.

In vashu's home (conversation between him and servant ravi).

Vashu: Ravi anna

Ravi:Yeah vashu, Tell me my dr son!!!

Vashu: I will be late today so u will go to your home early and dont prepare anything for me as i am having some work outside anna.

Ravi:Ok vashu..

Ravi is 30 yrs old.Ravi is the person who knows completely about vashu and his past.Vashu didnt treat ravi as servant and he used to think him as brother and always keep on sharing about his happiness and also sadness.Now Ravi had a doubt that why was vashu sad? Will vashu go to meet vasanthi? why was he hiding his problems??

Want to know about vasanthi?????

Vashu went to his office.He couldn't concentrate on his work and he said to his sub-collecter that he would see the files on monday.

He was eagerily waiting for evening and he forgot to have his lunch too. He was slightly closed his eyes and remembered his old incidents with vasanthi.

He was hearing vasanthi words that "Vashu, u are the worst person in this world.....Dont come in front of my eyes once again. You are such an idiot. I don't want to meet u once again ..." then suddenly vashu opened his eyes and wiped his tears.

After 2 yrs, vasanthi came to chennai from US.She used to visit lskshmi temple on friday evening and she updated his facebook status also that she would visit her favorite temple after a long while ,so vashu is eagerily waiting for evening.

At 5:30, vashu has started from office. He asked his driver to take a car to home . After college days, Vashu has started to drive his bike and remembering his golden moments in college with his friends and loved one's.

When he was studying at first year in college, he had some close friends circle ravi, kalai ,rakesh and vasanthi.The special friend of vashu is always vasanthi because she is the one who can be humble at tough situations too.The gang of vasanth became close at the end of first year. Vasu is next roll number of vasanthi. More over vasu is the topper of the college and vasanthi used to get atleast one arrear per year.

Kalai is the girl who used to criticise others always.She don't like vasanthi but also she used to act like that she was close friend of vasanthi.

Kalai likes vashu and they both are schoolmates too, but vashu dont know that kalai would destroy his dream.

What has kalai done? Why did vasanthi refuse to marry vashu???

During Second year, Industrial Visit had planned by their professors.

Vasanthi : Hi vashu....going to Bangalore for IV??.

Vashu : Yeah .Planned to go...what about u vasanthi...

Kalai: no vashu...vasanthi cant come as some function in her home... we will go.

vasanthi: i would like to come with our friends...dont know what to do but sorry....actually i wanted

kalai: Its okay vasanthi..We will go one more time.

Vashu: One minute kalai..Let her speak with her dad first...Is it important function vasanthi?

Vasanthi: No vashu..My dad's business deal party

(kalai's happiness changed due to vasanth. Vashu forced vasanthi to come for a trip.She cant show angriness frankly .She had a doubt that are vashu and vasanthi more than friends)

Kalai: Ok vashu..bye.let us go

Vasanthi: Bye vashu..text u once i reached.

(kalai has seen vasanthi's reaction while she said bye to vashu.They both started to walk )

Kalai: Vasanthi..now a days ...are you hidding something from me????.

Vasanthi:No kalai...what happened??? why??? What did you mean?

Kalai: Let's time come..i will say ,but don't believe anyone blindly.

Vasanthi: Kalai...tell me yaar... really i didnt get from you..

Kalai: lets go on.see you tomorrow..bye.

(vasanthi didnt understand kalai's wordings and just she went to catch her bus.Kalai was so disturbed because she didnt like the behaviour of vashu with vasanthi. )

Did vasanthi enjoy a trip? what has kalai done???

After reaching home, Kalai was so sad . She didnt like that vashu was forcing vasanthi to come for a trip.

kalai didnt get sleep at night.She was thinking to make a plan for breaking vashu and vasanthi's friendship.Next day ,They have arrived to college. Kalai was watching vashu's conversation with vasanthi.

vashu didnt even notice that kalai was sitting near by vasanthi.He started to speak with vasanthi.

Vashu: Hi vasanthi...What have u decided yaar?

Vasanthi: I think so that i would come vashu.

Vashu: K..then i will add your name in the list

Vasanthi: wait ..dont add now..i will update u tomorrow

Vashu: No way, I have added ,so u cant even take other decision..

(vasanthi liked the way that vashu has spoken with her but kalai cant tolerate those conversation..Her angry level has reached till sky)

vasanthi: then your wish

vashu: Thanks mam...By the way ...where is kalai?

Kalai: Ho...what a blind man you are !!!!! can't u see me??? silly question vashu...

Vashu: sorry kalai...just kidding yaar....I have seen you...are u happy now about my decision???

kalai: yeah...felt very happy.then what else..

vashu: will u always be with vasanthi???

kalai: why??? if i would be with vasanthi....what's your problem man???

vashu: nothing mam...simply asked

(His mind voice told that that's the biggest problem idiot)

kalai: Ho Ho....lets see....what a word nothing....means ...

vashu: go and search the meaning of nothing in dictionary kalai...he he he

(His laugh was irritated to kalai)..

Kalai: I can't read your mind dictionary man....

(vasanthi interrupted and told)...

vasanthi: hoi....today am i the topic for you people??? lets go to lab..else discuss some other things....not about me

(Kalai has felt so bad .Now she got to know that vashu liked vasanthi.but kalai wanted to marry vashu at any situation.Her mind had full of thoughts to break their friendship.She had a plan for tomorrow to start the problem between vashu and vasanthi)

The next day, kalai went to college so early and she has written some love letter with x-name and kept it in vasanthi's place.

Vasanthi has arrived to college and she has taken that letter then started to read ...

(kalai was sitting next to her and she was laughing inside)

" Dear Vasanthi,

I am your collegemate.I dont want to mention my name but i have to tell something that ..." I like you".I wanted to give so much surprises to you thats the reason i didnt mention my name...Bye....".

kalai has started to tease her . Vashu arrived the college at the same time. Vasanthi has called vashu and fought with him without a reason.

Vasanthi: Hi vashu...come here..

Vashu: Yeah came mam...are u angry on someone?

Vasanthi: Did u write any letter for anyone??

vashu: Why??? what happened???

Vasanthi: First answer my question...

Vashu: K..No...now tell me..

Vasanthi: I am asking frankly...Did u write love letter to me?

(His mind voice told that "yeah vashu !!! use this time...what ever inside the love letter..nothing a matter...but tell...yeah it has written by u...dont give opportunity to think about someone by telling no)

Vashu: Its me ...Nothing wrong in that.

(Kalai didnt expect these situations ,she thought that vasanthi might be busy to find that person...then kalai thought to gossip about her activities to vashu..now everything has reversed in a second..)

Kalai has interrupted...

Kalai: Vashu...is it u???Don't play with her..just tell man

Vashu: Kalai!!! Its me only yaar....Put your specs and see....you just be quiet kalai.

Vasanthi: How can i like u???

vashu: Why??? Whats the problem with me???

Kalai: Everything is a problem man...

Vashu: Ho..Thanks kalai ...U answer my question vasanthi not your friend...

(Kalai again felt bad)

Vasanthi: U don't know how to write a love letter and how to maintain a suspense then what man????

Vashu: Is it you vasanthi??? U dont worry ....see my performance regarding writing love letter then decide.

(Thousands of butterfly was flying in his head and Millions of snake was bitting in kalai's ear due to those conversation)

Vasanthi : Expecting your letter on tomorrow then i will decide.

(vasanthi accepted his proposal and chumma playing with vashu)

Kalai:K...bye...I am leaving now

Vashu: U come on kalai...sorry yaar... today i want to give u big treat as u r my well-wisher

(Kalai mind voice scolded him very badly.Idiot... if i wrote...u can propose... u fool... dont have sense etc)

Kalai: No thanks..Why i want to be in between you both??? You people enjoy the day.

Vasanthi: Hey kalai...nothing is going in between us my dr...U are always my first and best friend dear.

Vashu: kk....come lets go to canteen .

Kalai: its k..U people carry on.I want to go to home .

Vasanthi: Why are u leaving so early kalai???

Kalai: My mom asked me to come early so.

Vasanthi: Vashu, can you drop her??

Vashu: I will ask raja to drop her.He also planned to go to home for lunch.

Kalai: No thanks..I can go ..Bye...

(Kalai has reached home and was crying loudly inside her room by opening the water tab. )

Vasanthi scolded vashu that she is our friend so u couldnt ask someone to drop.You should got to drop her else you should be quiet.

What will kalai do now?Will she take a big revenge???

Kalai thought to be quiet for some days, but she can't be quiet because she wanted to know what would vashu write a love letter for vasanthi? Will vasanthi show that letter to kalai? Will they meet on every weekends ? etc running in her head.Her bad luck that Weekend has come so, she could get answer for all questions on monday only.

Usually she used to watch some movie with her sister at friday night.Her sister called her to celebrate the weekend arrival.Kalai refused to see and she shouted her sister unwantedly then she went to sleep. Her mind was not allowing her to sleep.She was remembering those incidents very badly. She got up from bed and she has assumed that pillow as vashu and she started to shout," Hoi idiot man...Stupid...Didnt u have sense" and she started to beat that pillow. The sound has reached till hall. Her mom, dad and sister came and stood behind window and they were watching kala's activities.

Then she has assumed the same pillow now as vasanthi and shouted..." Hare Madam ji...No one in that college will write a letter for u except vashu...wow idiot...stupid etc..." She started to beat again pillow.Her parents didnt know what kalai was doing now? But they have laughed loudly.Kalai has realised that everyone was there at window.

She shouted at them madly " What happened to you? Why are you people standing here?". Her parents replied that ," Are u mad kalai???'. Her parents are kind-hearted and they like vasanthi much.Kalai thought not to tell anything regarding vashu and vasanthi so suddenly she changed her face reaction and told that," Dad!!! I will go to act one drama during Industrial Visit so practising now". They have belived her words and they went to watch the movie but her sister asked," Hoi...Now u are doing drama with our parents..they can believe but i wont...tell me kalai".

Kalai got angry then she replied,"You are younger than me...you keep quiet idiot...I will assume u as pillow then i will beat.. go to hell else i will call dad". Her sister replied," In future your hubby is very unlucky or pity to have a mad wife like you". Kalai ran behind her to beat and somehow she escaped from kalai.

Kalai again tried to sleep.She didnt get sleep so she also went to watch movie for sometime. In that movie, hero used to text heroine at 12:00 pm etc.... So kalai assumed vashu and vasanthi as that movie lovers. When ever, Villan part will come..kalai used to clap and encourage the villan.Her sister and parents got laugh and her father asked " Will you play villan role kalai in that drama".

Kalai replied yeah dad..Main Villan,...(Her mind voice told real villan).Her mother told that villan part is too difficult dear.Her sister replied that" Mom and dad...come on...she dont want to act....Her reality remains the same mom..so its not difficult for her to act..she can live in that villan part...Ha ha ha...".Kalai has shouted at her sister and she went to bed again.

Kalai texted to vasanthi at 12:00pm from new number...Hi vasanthi...but reply didnt come from vasanthi...so again kalai texted that hi this is x person but that x-person is not vashu..he has told lie.... u should find me..All the best..if u want ,check with him"...

Kalai was waiting for her reply and slept...

Will vasanthi get angry on vashu?

Vashu has suddenly got the sound that this was not a parking place from temple security. He had just remembered his past for a while and came to know that he had reached the temple.

Even he was a collector, he didnt show that attitude and he went to park his bike in parking area and waiting in a queue to go inside the temple.His eyes was searching for vasanthi .

One girl came out of the car and she wore green colour saree with full traditional look.That's no one !!! Vashu's vasanthi. But vashu didnt notice her. He was searching here and there. Vasanthi saw that vashu was in the queue.

Vasanthi didnt want her to speak first. She also followed in a same queue.Vasanthi felt happy inside, Her eyes was watching vashu continuously.They both went inside the temple.

Vashu turned back and noticed the girl who was watching him continuously. He just realised that's vasanthi. His eyes filled of tears and his voice didnt come out to call vasanthi. He has felt some pain inside him.

Vasanthi noticed that and She started ...

Vasanthi: Hi vashu. How r u man?

Vashu: Yeah vasanthi...fine..How about you???

Vasanthi: Yeah doing good...How is Rekha sis ??

Vashu: She is fine mam..How about your parents???

Vasanthi: Fine then...Married???

Vashu: (His mind voice badly scolded her that idiot...stupid...what ac hilly question ???) No..How about you???

Vasanthi: No... but waiting for a guy who should love me only...that too truely...

Vashu: Ho... U didnt find that guy till now vasanthi?????

Vasanthi: Yeah man.. Lies were around me so..

Vashu: Yeah correct vasanthi...then what else

(Vashu felt inside hurt very badly...He was hiding his emotions and told himself that he was not the reason for anything...why cant u understand vasanthi).

Vasanthi: Nothing..Then how is your lover kalai??? Is everything going good???

Vashu: K enough. Stop it. Dont irritate me..

Vasanthi: Ho.. are u be in relationship with someone else??? Left kalai??? Pity girl who dont know about you.

(Vasanthi felt bad inside but also she cant digest the incident that happened during final year, still she is loving vashu but didnt express her love, because angry came out instead of affection )

Vashu: Yeah.. I am cheating 1000 girls per year..Get lost

Vasanthi: You dont have rights to shout on me...go to hell.

She has told and went back.Both were cried and Vashu has reached the home, He has parcelled one diary to vasanthi's home which had all the true incidents about kalai. That dairy is kalai's diary, Kalai's friend had given that to vashu to save vasanthi's relationship.

What that diary has??? WIll vasanthi read??? Will she realise about vashu???

Vasanthi reached home and felt very bad.

The next day morning, diary has arrived to vasanthi's home. She received that diary along with a letter.

In that letter,

"Hi Vasanthi,

This is vashu. Please read the diary then realise the truth. Don't believe anything blindly. I know that you have gone to US because of angry on me.

I never blame about kalai or anyone other than me. Its our problem. You should find the solution for the problem. Last chance for me.

Please read this. If you dont want to read, just fire the diary which consists the truth. It was written by kalai who is having the habit of writing diary.Its not mine so ,I think u can read."

After reading the letter, Vasanthi didnt feel good. She didnt have passions to read from first, so she directly opened the last page.

Last page had that:

" Yahoooo.....I proved myself..Well done Kalai....Now vashu is fully belonging to the one and only kalai...No one can seperate us...Vasanthi idioty..Let her go as mad....

Now I am the person who is near by vashu...Vashu also cant predict the truth...

Its the great of kalai....No one can but I can....".

After reading the last page, Vasanthi cried a lot . She cant believe herself. She want to read fully.

She thought to read it tonight without any disturbance.

At the same time, kalai came to know that vasanthi returned from US. Kalai was working as a lecturer in the college. Still she wanted to marry vashu. She didnt know that her diary was with vashu and she thought that she had missed some where in the train.

Kalai thought that she never give opportunity to vasanthi to meet vashu. What would happen??? Will vasanthi take revenge on kalai???

Vasanthi had dinner with her parents and she went to her room at 8 'O' clock itself. Her mom noticed her from morning then Her mom told vasanthi's dad that vasanthi was disturbed by someone. Vasanthi was the only daughter to them , so they have worried about her.

Vasanthi switched off her light and she turned on the table light only for diary and she has started to read from first.

Diary:

" This is kalai..Yeah...Its me...I started to write this because of vashu....

Vashu is the one who is sitting near by me during my 11th standard. He is such an idiot who used to pull my hairs and make me laugh during class hours, so teacher used to think me as bad student and he used to act as very good student in the class.

At first , I thought him as a rich guy who doesnt know any importance about life. But once Rekha sis came to my school to meet vashu. I cant forget that day. Vashu called me and introduced me as a friend, he didnt introduce anyone other than me. I thought her as a own sister of vashu.

Rekha sister wanted to stay one day with me because her train would be on next day. So we have gone to temple and restaurant at evening then vashu dropped us to my home and he returned to his hostel with tears. I didnt get why he has cried. I didnt see once also his sad face. I felt very bad inside me without a reason. Rekha sis also cried for a while.

After reaching home, I introduced her to my parents and my sis then I made her to fresh up. I have given our guest room to her to sleep. But I had so many questions inside my mind. I have gone to her room at near by 10:30. She is not in the room , so i went to terrace to search her.

I saw her holding some photos and deeply crying. I went near by her ,she hugged me and started to cry more. Because that's the day of vashu's sis and father has passed away. One year happened. She has told about shalini who is vashu's sis and also rekha's close friend. After hearing, about their death due to fire accident in their home town. I also cried like a mad.

Rekha sis consoled me and asked me "is vashu doing good and how about his studies ?". I told her that he is the one who used to be always the top ranker in our school. He never told about his family. Rekha sis told that he is such an awesome guy who used to hide his pain from inside, make others to smile as a wide.

I made rekha sis to sleep. I went back to my room. I felt myself as a new. I dont know why. Why have i cried for vashu???

My mind is having so many questions. I just waiting for a morning to meet vashu. I felt to go to his hostel right now but its 12:00 clock. As a girl, i cant go out of my home at this time.I didnt get sleep too.

I have to share this new thing to someone or have to take a chance to record it thats the reason i have started to write this diary.The very next day, I wore the vashu's favorite color (blue) dress and Rekha sister also got ready for a train. She told bye to everyone in my home and we both started together from home to bus stop. Vashu came to bus stop to pick rekha sis in his bike. He asked me to go to class and he will drop her at station.

I didnt agree for that ..So rekha sis has taken auto for us and vashu has followed the auto by his bike.Train has arrived and rekha sis got into train. When train is about to leave , Vashu holded rekha sis's hand and told that be happy sis..I am alright..I will become an IAS as per shallu's wish.

I have impressed like anything..I want to hold his hand but i cant do anything right now. So i have expected him that he would take me in his bike because once he told that he will take only his future life partner in his bike not everyone...so i expected but waste fellow..stupid...idiot..he made me to travel in bus and he followed me by his bike.

Anyhow i like him...his honesty...now on wards vashu is kalai's ...He never be anyone else's"

" After reaching the classroom, vashu was too busy for preparing final 11th board examination. But i am not in the situation to study. My mind had so many questions inside at that time. We had study holidays for preparing exams.I didnt even concentrate on studies and didnt utilise study holidays at home , so i used to go to school and i made vashu also to come to school to clear my doubts.

Exams had arrived. We wrote the examination and Holidays are very less for 11th standard due to 12th classes. We got only 7 days as holidays.Vashu went to chennai to meet rekha sis. My parents had taken me and my sis to my grandma's home.

After arriving my hometown, I had felt very bored. My grandma(Vani) started a conversation between me and my sister(suguna)

Vani: Hello Kalai...U have grown up my child looking pretty too....

Kalai: Is it so??? thats sweet of my grandma..Thanks...

Suguna: I want to order one good specs to you my dr grannie ....!

Kalai: I know suguna...Burnning smell came out from your stomach..

Vani: See my drs...You both are very beautiful...Be friendly manner drs...

(Suguna starred at kalai.They used to fight like anything at home. They cant fight right now because they were in relations home)

Suguna: Yeah....I will obey your words grannie...but i dont know about her ....

Kalai: Lets see.

Vani: Ok...Leave this topic..Suguna u go and play with your friends...

Suguna: Ok grannie..Take care of your pretty elder grand daughter..Keep her safe in cupboard.

(Kalai got angry and she started to run behind to catch suguna, but some how suguna escaped from that place)

Vani: Funny girls...

Kalai: Ok grannie..What else..

Vani: Be aware of 12th standard dear because it will decide your future.

Kalai: Yeah sure my dr grannie..Vashu is there know

Vani: Who is vashu? What do you mean???

(Kalai mistakenly mentioned about vashu..Her grandma reaction has changed .)

Kalai: Grannie..I meant Vashuki...My school friend who used to be first always...She is my close friend.

Vani: Ho...Ok my dr child...Be aware of guys..concentrate on studies..U should be always first .

Kalai: Yeah ji...as per your wish...I will try my level best."

Diary Continues

"Two days in my holidays had gone , out of seven days ,but i had thought that two days as two years. I didnt know what to do. I were totally upset while counting remaining days. My sis and parents were enjoying like anything.

Third day had started. I had gone mad.I didnt bring vashu (or) rekha sis number with me and i didnt have any of my schoolmates number too. My mom has noticed me and identified the sadness on my face.

She asked me that what happened to u kalai?. I have replied "Nothing mom but..... boring here".. My sis replied that " U r idiot kalai...Dont be stupid..We love to spend our holidays in our village right ...that too we used to count the days for long leave...". I shouted at her like," Be quiet suguna...I am not speaking with u ". My mom consoled me and asked my sis to go to watch TV.

My mom told that my dad had planned to return to home back due to his business deal and she asked me to join if i want. Without thinking, I said immediately yes to my mom.My mom didnt expect that and she predicted something went wrong with me. I understood by my mom's reaction.

I hugged my mom and said "Nothing to worry mom, i am in the situation to decide my higher studies because only one year will be there, So only little tension and forget to bring book too...so only agreed to go to home with dad".My mom agreed with me and my grandma was very happy due to my explanation.

They have packed so many things to eat for me and my dad. My grandma had kissed on my forehead and said " I am very happy about you kalai, while coming to know about interest on your studies" then she said bye to me and my dad . We both got inside the car.

I have laughed at myself while thinking about beautiful lies to my mom and my grandma. I have told myself that," Yeah more responsiblity kalai not on studies but on future with vashu....". I laughed loudly too and my dad asked "What happened kalai???".

I didn't know what to tell. I told "no dad nothing...simply.".My dad didnt ask much about that. I was just waiting to reach home soon and wanted to dail to vashu .I just open the car window and enjoying the nature and i never done this thing before and some songs also playing in my mind..

My dad forced me to close the window to switch on AC...but i refused to close, even i got scoldings from dad..

I didnt even know how i passed 6 hours in a car..."...

Diary Continues

As soon as we reached home, my dad forced me to have dinner so i had eaten and i were waiting my dad to go to sleep, but my bad luck that my dad was preparing some presentation for tomorrow's business meeting and he was asking me to go to sleep.

We were having only one telephone which was in the hall and i didnt have any mobile to call to vashu. The time was near by 9:30 and I fed up off sitting in hall , so i went inside my room. Our telephone was ringing at that time. I thought that the call was from my mom and i asked my dad to pick the call. My dad has shouted at me that the phone was for you idiot, come and speak. I have shocked, because the call was from vashu.......

Me: Hai, Vashu..How are you?

Vashu: Yeah kalai...fine..how about u...

(inside i felt very happy)

Me: Yeah good...then

(i didnt know what to speak)..

Vashu: Yeah great time happened in my life...

Me: Is it so???? What's that great time???

Vashu: U r the first person to share this happiness as a friend..

Me: Really....ho great...Tell me yaar..

Vashu: Actually....You should not think me as bad...

(I felt very happy that he will tell something to me...I would be waiting from other end of the receiver to tell yeah.. me too)

Me: Yeah vashu...tell ....dont give much surprise as i cant wait so long....

Vashu: Actually...I had met one girl at chennai...

Me: Who is she??? what happened???

( Angry came inside from me but i hided)

Vashu: Yeah kalai...She is vasanthi...Rekha's sis cousin...what a girl she is???

Me: then what else....

Vashu: How is the name combination of vashu and vasanthi????

Me: Yeah not bad..

( I almost cried by hearing this)

Vashu: She is the one who make me to laugh almost around 2 hrs kalai..such an idiot girl...you know one more thing...

Me: Yeah tell me..

Vashu: Actually ..she came to rekha sis home and she didnt notice me...she thought that no one was in that hall...she tried so many cute reactions and some fashion shows in front of the mirror..almost one hour she had done...i just standing behind the door and observed her childness kalai...

Me: Okay then...

( I cant hear thosse conversation from vashu)

Vashu: Yeah...i decided to propose her...

Me: Think and do...but not now

Vashu: Why kalai? am i doing any wrong...

(Actually i dont want him to propose to any other girl other than me)

Me: First focus on your 12th board exams then u will tell...

Vashu: Yeah that too correct....so only u r my best friend always for suggesting good ideas..One more thing kalai ...

Me: Yeah vashu..

Vashu: Rekha sis introduced her as a dull student like u kalai and she asked me to teach some syllabus for 12th board exams thats the reason vasanthi came to rekha sis home...

Me: ho.. is it??? kk all the best teacher...'

( Rekha sis also became one kind of enemy to me because she introduced that vasanthi idioty).

Vashu: Anyhow i will make her to pass 12th exams and i will join the same college where she will join...

Me: Okay fine...getting sleep...call u tomorrow...

After cutting the call, I have cried a lot...".

Diary Continues

"After his call, i were not feeling like to speak with him, Holidays had gone and our school also reopened.

This time, I changed my place . I sat with priya . During lunch break, vashu had a spicy conversation with me..

Vashu : Hi kalai mam??? how r u???

Me: Fine then...

Vashu: I want to show you one thing..

Me: Is it??? whats that???

Vashu: See this photo...

(I had seen the photo and the girl wore pink chudi and she looks cute, I predicted that she is vasanthi...I want to throw that photo outside the window)

Me: Ho...your lover vasanthi??

Vashu: Yeah...My dream girl...How is she???

(I have scolded him and wanted to slap him also , i supposed to tell that u r such an idiot but i didnt)

Me: Yeah ...not bad...

Vashu: Hello madam...She is the most beautiful girl...girls never say that other girls are beautifiul except themselves..I know..

Me: Ho...she is average ...nothing more than that

Vashu: For me...she is one of the most beautiful girl...no one else

(I cried inside but hided from him)

Me: Its k...Does she love you???

Vashu: No..first she called me as a bro...i scolded her and make her to call me as vashu.

(I felt like flying because one side love from vashu...i am sure that i could stop their's conversation by doing something)

Me: ho... Let's see bro...then..

Vashu: i will join the same college where she joins...my target is that onlyas of now..

Me: Ho ...Ho she is dull student right then..how is it possible ???

Vashu: She can't join in the merit colleges but i can join easily in her college..

Me: its not worth vashu??? Remember Rekha sis words...

Vashu: Hello madam ji...studying in a non-merit college doesn't a matter but how are we studying??? that's the matter..

(I thought that i will also join the same college)

Me: ok ...then bye...

(Again he pulled my hair )

Me: What???

Vashu: Nothing..you changed your place right so i didnt have opportunity to tease you from morning so..

Me: Stupid..bye..go to hell... classes will start shortly...

" Diary Continues

I started to concentrate on my studies and also Vashu was damn sincere about his studies.

One year passed so early. We had written our exams well and also waiting for the board exam results.

Asusual vashu went to meet rekha sis and also vasanthi and i were back to my grandma's home for holidays.

This time i had received a call from vashu and he was very sad that he didnt get a chance to meet vasanthi but, i were very happy .

Result came . Vashu got state rank , i have passed my higher studies with 80% and vasanthi passed her studies with 70%. As vasanthi parents didnt expect that she would pass so they were very happy about her scores.They came to know about vashu whom helped for vasanthi's studies. So her family became very close to vashu which made me very upset.

Vashu rejected all merit colleges and he joined the same private college where vasanthi joined so i also pushed my parent's to obey to join with vashu. Finally my dad agreed with me and my dad got transfer to chennai .

We moved to chennai as my parents didnt agree me to stay in hostel.First year, we had a friends gang and also vashu tried to become close with vasanthi.

I thought that vasanthi never treat him as a lover as she called him as bro at first meeting. Everything had happened in a reverse manner. I thought to divert her by sending the message from unknown number but vashu idiot told that the unknown person was him no one else.

During weekend, again i had sent the message to vasanthi from new number says that "vashu lied to you because this was x-person not vashu" .

I got reply from vasanthi at morning and saying that,

" Yeah ...i knew...

This is not vashu...

anyhow i dont want to know about you..

because i have written vashu's name already in my heart...

you just go out of my life".

I shocked and can't be feel free. I had made a big master plan during my Industrial trip ."

"Diary Continues

I don't know that why did vashanthi fall for vashu???"

During our second year, our industrial trip had planned. I had a great plan to play a innocent role which used to hide my villan face .

One fine friday evening, we started for a trip and everyone got into the bus.I planned to sit next to vashu but that stupid made me to sit with raja then he sat near by vasanthi. I hate those moments in my lifetime . It might take 6 more hours to reach bangalore so i didn't even know what to do...More over i can't watch them. So i had a mind calculations to interrupt them and a big silence in bus.

I have stood and shouted that ," Lets break the silence dear friends...we should have a entertainment till we would reach blore".Raja idiot told that all could watch some thrill movies . That idea made to beat him but vashu suddenly replied to raja that yes.I disagreed and replied them that " couldn't you people get some good ideas other than movie...All could watch movie in their home(or) hostel too...Think differently"..

All were agreed with me and they were happy. I asked them to split as a boys one side and girls another side. Vashu interrupted me and asked for a reason. I knew that he didnt want to miss the chance to sit with vasanthi but i never allow that.I told that its was a competition between the girls and boys where they can sing ,dance and debate. All were eager to participate and i had splitted boys and girls with in a minute.

As soon as i went near by vasanthi and occupied vashu's place. Some villan background music were well-played in my heart and mind.I conducted some small events between boys and girls finally they had a fight regarding winners ao our staff convenienced them and they told to be quiet for sometimes. So suddenly i act like that i slept so no one can wake me up from that place . I were very happy and i didnt even open my eyes till we reached blore.

Once we reached blore. Our HOD told to get down from bus . Vashu had a very spicy look at me. I disappointed both vashu and vasanthi. More of my classmates came as couple ,because of competition which was conducted by me in bus made them enemy for a while.

I remembered my dad words that "Playing villan role is quiet difficult"...But i told myself that i can play easily my dear dad because of vashu....I laughed at myself..."

Diary Continues

Our staffs allocated room for us. I and vasanthi stayed in one room. Vasanthi told that she wanted to take rest for a while.I expected the same situation.After she slept, I had taken her mobile and checked her call history and messages.That vashu stupid sent more than 300 msgs per day . While searching call history, i found the name only vashu.

I got so much angry. Then our staff told to get ready to visit some places in bangalore. All girls planned to wear saree but i refused as i counldn't see the romance of vashu and vasanthi.Vasanthi told our classmates that don't force to kalai ,we would wear.I got shocked and i also agreed to wear saree.

Vasanthi laughed at me. I got ready first and vasanthi started to get ready. Vashu was waiting to see vasanthi and he didnt even give a look at me, when i was in saree. I moved out of the room and sat near by vashu.His eyes were eagrily waiting to see his lover.I cant digest those moments.

Vasanthi came out from the room. She wore a pink color silk saree , free hair, small black sticker , eyes were filled with kajal, light pink color lipstick, long earrings which made her more beautiful, small chain and totally appeared like a bride. But i didnt look that much great as i were not interested to attract anyone. Everyone had a wide look at her. so many boys fell to her. I didnt care for them but vashu also one among them in a queue .

Vashu didnt blink his eyes till i pulled him from chair.He scolded me for my behaviour and he was speechless to vasanthi. I cant see those shyness from vasanthi and romance from vashu.Its all were my fate to tolerate those chilly moments.I wanted to divert those moments.

Suddenly i act that i had some severe headache.I asked my staff that i wanted to stay back in hotel, i requested them to enjoy.But my staff didnt allow me to stay alone ,vasanthi interrupted and said that she could stay with me and if any emergency , she would call them ( i expected those situation that vasanthi would stay).Vashu asked lakshmi (who was one of our classmate) to stay with me but vasanthi didnt agree with vashu as i were very close friend of her.

These and all drama made by me as per my plan. In this drama, i never include anyone except me , vashu and vasanthi because my grandma used to tell that secret is the secret till it will be inside you and you only.Vashu told that he also would stay with us but our staff didnt allow him to stay in hotel. As soon as they left, i went inside my room and i kept some greeting cards and some letters outside which would be easily visible to vasanthi eyes. I act that i slept.

This was the first master plan which would give a small break between vashu and vasanthi"

(Still can't u predict...kindly wait for next epi :-))

"Diary Continues

I closed my eyes very tightly then vasanthi entered inide the room. She noticed those greetings and she took the greetings and started to read,

"Hi Kalai,

This is vashu..You are my close lovabe friend always...Wish u very happy friendship day....

I am very greatful to have a friend like you.

My wish is to be with u always...I like u....I love u too

With love,

Vashu".

Vasanthi cried like anything and she read that letter card too...

" Hi Kalai,

You are one of the most beautiful friend for me...

I never forget u easily ...i love u

With love,

Vashu".

Vasanthi was very upset and she was crying continuously. I thought not to get up immediately.Actually those greetings and letter card was given by vashu during friendship day when we were in eleventh std . He wrote only two lines in that greeting card and one line in letter card and he didnt even tell once also that ,"I like u (or) I love u(or) I need to be with u". These lines were written by me , that's the reason i read the messages from vasanthi's phone to add the similar message in greeting cards.

Slowly i got up from bed and i saw vasanthi with full of anger on me. I really expected those moments but i wanted to make her to believe that vashu loved me. then she asked me ," Are u friend (Or) enemy to me???Why didn't you tell about vashu??? Still i can't belive my eyes". I hugged her and said that ,"See my dear vasanthi, If i tell you also, you won't believe more over i don't have idea to show these greetings to you...Actually i had taken these greetings and read it for a while , but i forget to hide from you vasanthi".Vasanthi shouted on me ,"Are u idiot kalai???why cant u say these before???". As per my plan, I replied that i would like to teach some good lesson to vashu.

Vasanthi replied that yeah...she too join with me in that plan..I were jumping from sky to earth..More Musics were playing on my mind with rythms that ,"Vashu is Kalai's always"....Vasanthi shown the messages which was sent by vashu. She told that he repeated the same msgs to me also as per in your greeting card.

Vasanthi didnt have belief on him." Love should have belief on each other else anyone can play nicely the villan role like me".I advised her to be casual with vashu as per my plan. I told her that you could cheat him like the way he did with me. Without thinking, Vasanthi idioty said yes.

Now i got some relax.I were waiting the arrival of vashu.Vashu stupid didnt get to know these things. All arrived the hotel at evening.Without knowing his fate, he came with bunch of roses to give surprise to vasanthi...

My mind voice said that ,"How romantic my lover??? kalai u r very lucky dear"...but i were also waiting to see vasanthi's reaction..."

"Diary Continues

Vasanthi came out of room.She didnt even look at vashu. I expected those situation but i wanted her to be casual with vashu so, i went near by her and gossiped that you should be normal with vashu as we wanted to teach some good lesson to him.

She agreed with me. Vashu came near by her and given her a bunch of roses with a romantic smile. Vasanthi smiled at him and said thanks to him.Everyone got ready to have a dinner at outside. We had gone a restaurant and vashu tried to sit near by vasanthi but vasanthi pulled me to sit near by her and vashu sat near by me.

Vashu was pending and trying to see vasanthi but she was trying to hide herself from him by using me. I got much angry.I told vashu to sit near by her as i can't eat properly because of them.After had a dinner, all were returned to hotel and my classmates had planned to do fire dance in the hotel terrace.

I loved to dance but vasanthi loved to sing. I knew that vashu also a good dancer. I calculated the plan as soon as they have told about fire dance.The person who don't want to dance, they sat as a audiance , vasanthi also one among them.but pity vashu wanted to show his talent(heroism) to vasanthi as he didn't aware of the things happened around him.

My staffs played the songs. All started to dance and vashu compelled vasanthi also too dance but she didnt. While dancing, I know that he would hold my hand simply in a friendly manner. But vasanthi didn't aware of that. I danced like anything....what i expected that happened...just he hold my hands and left. As per my plan, Vaasanthi seen those things.Suddenly i stopped to dance and made my face so dull then i went to sit near by vasanthi.

Vasanthi idioty holded my hands and said that yeah kalai...I could realise your pain. How idiot vahu was!!! Really i had seen that he holded your hands and left.We should not allow him to hold the hands of one more girl.

I felt very happy. but i didnt speak (Or) reply anything because sometimes over action will destroy entire things.My mind voice replied..." My dear vasanthi....you cant get the man like vashu...so only you dont have hope on him...if the god comes and says wrong about vashu also i never believe idioty".

Vashu was dancing like anything and i loved to watch him but vasanthi went inside the hotel.

The next day was awesome morning to me but bad morning to vasanthi as i didnt expect that...even i couldn''t believe that morning".....

Dairy continues

The very next day was my birthday even i didnt remember. Vashu had arranged the cake cutting at midnight with our college staff permission in hotel. He knocked my room door at 11:55 pm then he tightly closed my eyes . All of our classmates were singing the song that ," Happy Birthday to you kalai .......". I cut the cake and i felt to feed a first bite of a cake to vashu , but i feeded to vasanthi idiot as i wanted to act that she was only the good friend to me.

Vashu had given a card and gift to me and vasanthi presented a watch.I knew that vashu would give card to everyone in our school so i wanted to use these situation also on vasanthi.Vasanthi couldn't tolerate those gifts and all my birthday arragnements from vashu so she left the place immediately with tears.Vashu went behind her and asked for a reason of leaving. She replied that she had a headache.

Everyone went for a sleep at 1:00 am .I went inside the room and vasanthi slept very deeply. I had started to read the card,

"Hi kalai,

You are my best friend...Be happy always and God will bring all happiness throughout your life..

May god bless ...

Great Signning off,

Vashu".

I added the lines that " I miss u ". I kept the card on the bed and slept. As expected, vasanthi read the card and she had thrown into the dustbin. Once i got up, i felt like to slap her as she thrown my hero's card to dustbin.I wanted to take that but i supposed not to do that in front of her.

Vasanthi scolded me not to be nice with vashu and she advised me to be rude with him. I begged her to be normal with vashu to make him realise his mistakes. Today was the last day of our trip and we wanted to visit the Robotics industry . We had gone to industry and learned to do some basic robotics programming code.

We returned to hotel and packed our luggages. Our staff urged us to get into the bus. I made vasanthi to get out from room and go to bus first as i wanted to take the card from dustbin.Once she moved out, i took the card and kept inside my dresses .Vasanthi tried to avoid vashu. Vashu kept his bag near by vasanthi's seat and she asked him to sit with raja. I got into the bus and i found vashu with a dull face.

Vasanthi asked me to sit with her . I didnt want to make my hero's face dull during my birthday. I wanted him to be happy so i requested vasanthi to sit with vashu as i had confidence on vasanthi that she cant be casual (or) romantic with vashu.

Vashu laughed at me and he was happy for a while . Everyone were so tired so all started to sleep except me. I started to notice vashu. Vasanthi slept and vashu closed the window, he was watching her continuously without disturbing her.I had imagined myself as vasanthi at that situation and i felt like flying on the air.

After a while, i came from my imagination and i found that vasanthi was sleeping on vashu's shoulder. I suddenly shouted that ,"No...its not me"..Everyone got up in bus and asked what happened. I replied that sorry!!!!Bad dream....Really very sorry.

All were laughed and Vasanthi realised that she slept on vashu's shoulder and she looked at me harshly. I understood and i asked vashu to sit with raja. We interchanged our place and vasanthi scolded me very badly to made her to sit with vashu.

"Diary Continues

After reaching back to our college, Everyone were busy for preparing semester. This time vasanthi didn't take vashu's help. All completed our exams and our holidays also just gone like that.

Third year has started. Vasanthi became cool with vashu but i didnt know what happened between them????. Results arrived. Its Miracle that vasanthi got first place in university and vashu got second place.

I didnt even predict the magic of result but i scored 80% . Vasanthi cleared her back papers also with good percentage.She told me to come to canteen for a treat. Vashu was little upset that he got second place first time but he was very proud about vasanthi.

She gave a treat in canteen. Vashu left early as he wanted to meet rekha sis . Vasanthi asked me to come to her home.I asked her that how did she got first place???. She replied that she concentrated only on her studies...nothing else.. and she wanted him to pull backward in each and every place ..she wanted to be first always...she wanted to teach" what is life and relationship to vashu???".

But i were not happy. My vashu should be first and who was she to take revenge on him. I asked her that what was her plan???. She told me to wait and watch. I had spent more sleepless nights due to vashanthi because she occupied first place everywhere ...dance,music,sports,studies...etc..

I predicted revenge power in her eyes. But i were wondering that she was very normal with vashu.Vashu went to IAS coaching for necxt six months so he didnt have much time to spend with vasanthi and also with me.Vasanthi was thinking very abnormally to take revenge on him.

We completed our third year also and we were super seniors of our college. We had a junior welcome party at that time. Malavika who is looking very cute, gorgeous , joined as a junior in our college. Because of malavika, Vasanthi market came down in campus.. queue increased for malavika and decreased for vasanthi . In welcome party, vashu introduced everyone , while introducing malavika, he mentioned her as a mini doll in college .

Vasanthi got much angry ,she pinched me and gossiped to me that,..."Vashu's next target is Malavika". I used these situation to seperate them by end of the final year. After a party, i met an malavika and i had given vashu's number . I told malavika that vashu was a very good student and he could make dull student as a top scorer and i mentioned the example as vasanthi.

Malavika responsed me and she wanted to meet vashu. I asked her to meet him during lunch period and i requested her not to use my name .I knew that we all be together during lunch. Malavika came to canteen and met vashu.Vasanthi was watching them without blinking her eyes.

While leaving, Malavika asked vashu to drop her as she didn't bring bike today. But my hero replied no as that bike was only for vashanthi.He managed that he would leave early as he didnt want to give explanation.Malavika habituated to come to meet vashu during lunch with her note books.Vasanthi called malavika once and she told that she could clear malavika's doubt. suddenly malavika replied on the vasanthi's face directly that,"No thanks!!!! sis".

After these incidents, Vasanthi messaged me to meet her in coffee shop. I asked for a reason. She replied that We would be having farewell on next week so that farewell night be the last day for entire thing. I didnt clear what she meant. Again i asked her to explain me.

She got angry and asked to come directly to coffee shop for explaining the plan. Without knowing these things, vashu told about his love to rekha sis . Rekha sister was very happy and she called me to share her happiness with me .

Rekha sister asked me to pray for them.i were not getting that what was happening around me. In my home, My parents didnt want me to do job. Without telling to me, they have started to search a match for me. I came to know through my sister that they were searching a guy for me.

Unexpected thing happened that malavika was having crush on vashu . She asked me for a help to propose to vashu. How can i alone face these situations????It was avery difficult time to me and i didnt know ,"Malavika????is she really loving vashu???"

At any cost...i want to marry vashu...My love should be success...But as soon as hearing all of these at one day,,,, suddenly i fell down . My dad lifted me and he admitted me in hospital.I got up and found myself in a hospital. Doctor told that i fell down due to tension. All of my classmates came to hospital as i admitted serious. We had a fun inside the hospital so nurse warned our classmates to meet me in home. I discharge from hospital at evening.

As soon as i went to home. I got ready to have a cup of coffee with vasanthi then dinner with malavika".My mom warned me not to go. I consoled her and started my scooty to pick rekha to the coffee shop.

" Diary Continues

We had gone to the coffee shop.Vasanthi asked me for a help to take revenge on vashu.I said ok but my mind voice was saying that, " It shouldn't affect my vashu much as he is my real hero". She gossiped some idea in my ears. I was damn happy about that idea and waiting for the day to play the drama.We had a cup of coffee.

Vasanthi got into the bus and i started my scooty to pick up malavika for dinner. I felt very thankful to vasanthi as she thought about my future.I met malavika and we both went to a restaurant. Malavika frankly said that she wanted to be a vashu's girl friend.

My mind voice scolded her badly but i didn't show my reaction at that critical situation.I remembered my grandma words that," Be quiet for sometimes while getting angry, then the relationship won't break". She asked me an idea for her proposal to my hero. I asked her to propose to vashu on our last day (farewell party). She asked me how to propose to him???. I told her to take a greeting card and bunch of roses to impress him. She said yes to me and left the restaurant very happily .

But i can't tolerate those moments when i was with malavika.She was mad on vashu.As soon as i reached my home, My mom scolded me very badly as i were very late then she had thrown some guys photos with their details on my bed and asked me to select one among them. I shouted on her ," Am i looking like a girl/selling doll...to select one among them???". After hearing those words, My mom came forward to slap me but my dad came in between us and he consoled my mom.I went inside my room and closed my door.

I were crying .My dad slowly knocked the door but i didn't respond. He asked me to come out once. I went out . He asked me a reason for opposing the proposals.I didn't reply anything as i were having little fear on my dad about my love on vashu.He slowly asked me," Are you in love with someone kalai???".

I supposed to say yes but my mind voice controlled me that,"No kalai...Dont believe anyone untill everything is fine....". I replied to him that i wanted to do job atleast for a year. I saw some shadow behind our window. I analysed that the shawdow was no one else ,my mom and my sis.They were hearing our conversation behind the window. I wantedly shouted that,"If u people want to throw me out of the home...You are welcome...I dont have any problem....I will go out of this home....I dont want to be burden to anyone".

My dad said that..." You are not at all burden to us...but remember one thing....You are responsible for your younger sister"..Indirectly he meant that he wanted to do marriage for both girls and at least some gap should be there for marriage savings.My mom came to me and said that," I never ask you to marry untill u ask about your marriage".

I knew that she got angry on me. My sister came forward and said that," See these mad parents kalai...I am ready to marry but they are not asking to me....they are asking to you..pity parents....". I said her to leave and not to irritate me. she shouted that," If you are going out of home...Dont expect money from dad" and she ran away. I ran behind her to beat but she made me to cool for making such kind of fun.

The next day i met vasanthi to prepare for farewell party plan. The main role was malavika and sub role was me. I were waiting for farewell day. But the funny thing was..."She made my hero as villan for a while that day".....

Farewellday had come. Malavika came like wow..Red color choli...long earrings.....pink color lipstick..small black sticker..Red stone necklace..while she was entering inside an auditorium, even girls had a wide look at her....no words....I came in white saree asusal simple and neat...Waiting for vashu and vasanthi"

"Diary Continues,

Vasanthi came to an auditorium. She wore dark green color saree, White color long neckware and long earrings, black sticker, kajal to her eyes which make her more awesome etc... I felt that i came for marriage as their over make up. Now all had a wide look at her too...

I felt like a beauty competition between malavika and great vasanthi. Vashu came asusual like me," Simple and neat"...Events had started. Vasanthi asked me to signal malavika as per plan. Pity malavika didnt know that vasanthi created the plan. I pinched malavika to propose to vashu. As per plan, She went to the stage and requested to a small speech on the stage to co-ordinator.

Our co-ordinator allowed her to speak for a while..The drama came to on the screen...She stood in front of all without any fear as girls couldn't do that in front of all...My heart realised that i was doing wrong but my mind was only on my target. Lights on ," Only Malavika was on stage..... She started like....."

(Malavika Speech)

Hi dear friends,

Good Morning and Warm Welcome to everybody....

I would like to congrats once to all of our seniors and All the best for their great life..

Can anybody guess why do i come here

(From crowd) singing , dancing, vote of thanks...

No friends....I came here for proposing one guy on the stage...I can propose him personally but i didn't suppose to do that as he is my special person.

(From crowd) Yeah soon...come on..very eager and interest to here...

I love to call that person on the stage now....

Please vashu come on the stage......I Love you and i want to be your wife......Will you marry me?????".

Our staffs and co-ordinator asked her to come down as they didn't like these kind of activities on the stage. So she came down and went to vashu's place..She had given the bunch of roses and greeting card to vashu. I knew about vashu that he never insult anyone that too he thought malavika as his friend then. He had taken that card and roses. As soon as these kind of things, i and vasanthi wantedly left the place and came out from an auditorium.

He came behind us and Malavika also came. Our HOD called malavika and warned her for her behaviour but she didnt mind that. Vashu tried to speak with vasanthi about this. But as per plan, vasanthi shouted on him face that," You are such an idiot...You are cheater...I dont want to meet you in my life again". She told and she left the place immediately.

Now its my turn that i consoled him and asked him to be cool. He holded my hand as a friend and he told that, " Thanks for believing me kalai as a friend". Again vasanthi came and shouted on me that," You too idiot and he will cheat you also stupid kalai". As per plan, everything happened.

Everyone in ouir college had seen these things because we fought on the ground. Our collegemates gossiped that," vashu has a three girl friends ....kalai, vasanthi and Malavika". These gossip things which we can hear it clearly inside the campus on that day.

Really I felt very bad and apologise to my hero. I knew about him that he never give even space to some girls in his bike but now all were speaking bad about vashu.. I remembered that," Getting good name will take long time but we can get bad name immediately".

I also one of the reason for destroying his name. Everyone knew him as a dancer, topper, singer, cricketer but now i made him as a cheater as for my wish.Vashu didnt react and i seen tears from his eyes and he left the college. We also left.

After all these drama, Vasanthi hugged me and cried like anything. As i didn't have face to console her. She asked me to marry vashu and asked me to make him cool and happy . She told that she wanted some gap for these incidents so she would be going to US for her studies.

Malavika came to us forcely and asked about vashu. Vasanthi slapped her boldly and said,

" You are junior....How dare did you have to propose one guy one the stage???

If kalai gave idea...couldn't you think???

Vashu never treat you as a girl friend as i knew. He is your friend not more than that.

He loves kalai".

Malavika shouted at vasanthi that kalai only gave idea to propose. Vasanthi told all these our drama things to malavika. She felt sorry to us and she left the place. I hugged vasanthi like a kid and i thanked her.

She told me that ," You are the perfect match of my vashu sorry your vashu". She also left the place with tears.

I felt very guilty to face even me in mirror. Two days i didn't come out of that incident. I cant find vashu now. i didnt even know where did he gone. I called to rekha sis and asked about him. Rekha sis replied that she also searching for a vashu.

I came to know that vasanthi left india but i were started to search my vashu .....I were travelling in the bus to his home town

Diary ends"

(Wait and watch for vasanthi reaction)".

After reading the diary, vasanthi cut her hands and fell down.

Her parents knocked the door for a long while as she didnt come out . So her dad broken the glass window to notice her. They found that she tried for a suicide attempt.They called for an ambulance and they had taken her to the hospital.

She had admitted in to emergency ward and all nurses were walking here and ward by doing something. Her parents came to know that her situation was very critical. They couldn't find a reason.

One of the doctor came and said ,"Let's pray to god and nothing in their hands and they tried their level best". Her dad got a first attack as they were having one girl vasanthi after so many years. Her mom was speechless. She couldn't realise what was happning around her because both her child and husband were hospitalised.

Her mom conveyed about these critical situations to relations including rekha sis.Rekha sis called vashu and told about vasanthi's suicide attempt. Vashu eyes were turned into red and filled with tears.

He had gone to kalai's home and asked her to come down. Kalai was so surprised and came down happily. First time vashu slapped and insulted her in front of all. He shouted on her that ,

" What have i done for you???

Is treating you as my friend went wrong ???

You are very special to me

You had good place in my heart....

no one can occupy that kalai even wife/kid...no one will occupy your place...

because you are my great friend...

that's the value of friendship...

I never treat u as a third person kalai..

Most of the things which vasanthi didn't aware of me....u aware..

Why???? even i came to know about your diary...

I didnt ask one word on that....

because i want to be with u as a good friend...without making u as guilty...

now my madness....everything gone...

vasanthi was in critical...".

He cried loudly on the road. Kalai felt more guilty and she also cried much. Kalai's parents took them inside and kalai's mom slapped her as her behaviour went wrong.

Now what will kalai do??? Will vasanthi recover????

Kalai cried a lot and she didnt have words to speak. Vashu went to hospital .Vasanthi was in need of blood as she lost so much blood. Her blood group was O-ve. Vashu approached the need of blood donation through social media instead of blood bank .

More persons came forward to donate their blood. But kalai didnt come to hospital.Three days had gone just like that.Vasanthi's father felt better but her position was still critical.Vashu didn't even concentrate on anything other than vasanthi.He was remembering the past fire incidents which was happened to his sis and dad.His eyes were red and face was so dull.

Vasanthi's mother asked him to take a rest for a while but he refused to leave hospital.Rekha sister had gone to home to take some things. She found a diary on vasanthi's bed and she read the diary completely. At last page she found the letter which was written by vasanthi...

" Hi vashu...

I am very sorry and i am one of the most idiot in this world..

At the time, You will get this letter...I wont be anymore...

I am very possesive on you as i know that you are mine...

But sometimes..situation made me as fool..

You knew that " During our small age , our parents used to black mail that if we didnt eat properly then they will handover us to devil (or) something".

It never happen but As a kid...we used to believe....

After a while...as soon as we grow up , we used to get laugh and we will update these things to kids..

When i were love with you...I felt myself as kid so more possesiveness darkens my eyes and mind...

After a while.... i realised but here i felt ashamed of me...

I didnt have gutz to meet you (or) again ask you to marry me..

Kalai had a lot of hope and love on you but in my case...everything goes wrong...

Actually I didnt even get angry on kalai...i got angry on myself ...I felt more ashame on me...

Yes vashu... i am feeling bad on myself...

Kalai loves you truely even she knews about me...She didnt think to leave you .

But i left you for a chilly reason that too for drama.

I am feeling more guilty on me vashu..I can't see you by remembering all these incidents..

My heart had broken and filled with dust so...better solution is that leaving this world...

Bye vashu...Sorry kalai....Sorry vashu...

Take care of my parents rekha sis..."

After reading this, rekha sis had lot of angry on vashu,kalai and vasanthi. She hided these diary to their parents. Vasanthi opened her eyes and realised that she was in hospital. Nurse ran out and called a doctor to come and check a pulse of her.

Doctors checked her pulse and its better than previous . Doctor allowed one person to see Vasanthi. Rekha told that she wanted to meet her as she knew that vasanthi would try for suicide again. Vasanthi's parents and vashu agreed for rekha sis words. Rekha went inside to an emergency ward , she couldn't digest the situation of vasanthi.

Because... She was fully covered with green color dress .....oxygen therapy through oxygen cylinder...CT scan which is prdecting that still she was alive etc...Rekha couldnt see her in that situation. Rekha went near by her and Her anger came to peak to slap vasanthi regarding her merciless suicide attempt but she controlled herself.

Rekha touched her forehead and vasanthi slowly opened her eyes and tears were rolling around as a drop from her eyes as she couldn't express her feelings in words.Rekha understood the feelings and slowly started to speak which would turn her suicide attempt decision. Rekha slowly spoke that,

What is this vasanthi???

I read all the things in diary???

Is it correct what have you done???I felt ashame on you...

Only the person who doesnt have courage to lead their life ,those only will decide to make suicide...

I didn't expect this stupid suicide attempt from you vasanthi..

You have been there in US and all...Are you educated???

You didn't cheat anyone ...You are cheated by someone...

You people were played like kids..

I didn't even see the maturity with all three who involved in this...

Kalai....I will teach some nice lesson to her..

As you know that you are the only daughter to your parents then how dare can you take these decision???

Your father got first attack only because of you .

As they dont know these diary matter.

You are not trying for suicide..You are making murder of your parents also by taking stupid decision...

If you leave this world....Do you think about vashu and kalai???

Kalai never be happy and life long she will roam as a alive dead body due to your decision..

Already vashu didnt have any relations...Hope so...You are making him also to do suicide...

Now also you are behaving like kid...

Still you didnt come out of your anger...

Angry make anyone to spoil their life even think that Lord siva fired his wife shakthi due to uncontrollable anger ...then later he felt the truth that wife and husband are equal ...

While angry comes just hold on vasanthi...Suicide is not at all the solution..

Think before act my dear...".

Rekha completed her sayings with tears. Vasanthi holded her hands and she had given good expression by waving her eyes as she can't speak due to oxygen theraphy.Rekha turned her decision and got some peace of mind. Nurse asked rekha to leave for a while to give some rest to vasanthi. Vasanthi had hope on her eyes and Her will power made her pulse better.Vashu eagrily went forwad to check about vasanthi's status to rekha sis .She replied positive to everyone and she forcely taken vashu to meet kalai to make everything clear.

After reaching kalai's home. They couldn't believe their eyes.

They found the TOLET board outside the gate they couldn't belive themselves. Vashu and Rekha enquired about them to neighbours. They replied that they vaccated the home at midnight without telling to anyone. Vashu and rekha were confused.

Rekha searched kalai's hometown and her grandma's home. They couldn't go anywhere. So they had returned to hospital.After reaching hospital, Vasanthi mom said

One muslim girl came and saw vasanthi but she didn't even show her face.

She went to doctor directly and got a permission to see kalai in emergency ward.

She stayed in that ward for half an hour..

While leaving...She said to me that vasanthi will be back..

Dont worry aunty...

God is with u and she holded my hands tightly...

Her tears were touched my hands as drops then she left immediately".

We guessed that was kalai. But Vasanthi's mom asked about her deeply to rekha and vashu as she got some confidence on vasanthi that vasanthi would be back as per her words. Rekha lied that the girl was jessy who was vasanthi's collegemate. Immediately rerkha checked her details in hospital visitor's book but she found an old kalai's house address.

Rekha and vashu confirmed that the girl was kalai only. Days were running up. Vasanthi slowly recovered from critical.Till vasanthi changed from emergency ward to general ward, vashu didn't go and meet her even he was in hospital 24 by 7 as he couldn't digest her situation.

Vashu met rekha finally ..Speechless and happiest moments with little painful environment ..Vasanthi started to say sorry but vashu closed her mouth and said...

" Please be quiet..

No more bad memories...

Past is past..

I didn't remember anything other than you...

I had written everything on sea's water what was happened around me on during my past...

Now I couldn't find anything there...

I want to build my present and future like mountain....will u be the stone on that....

Will u marry me vasanthi???? will you love me again???? will you hold my hands???".

After his saying ,He gave a bunch of roses with greeting cards ..As soon as he gave this shock surprise...Vasanthi got up from bed and hugged him and said...yeah we will marry soon ....

Everyone in general ward was watching them without blinking their eyes and they clapped loudly for their happy decision...

Vasanthi discharged from hospital...They had done the grand marriage...

Years were running up....Vasanthi and vashu had two kids ...one cute girl like vashu and cute boy like vasanthi ..

Once the parcel reached their home...They opened and found their life story book as a book which was written by kalai with one photo....

Yeah...Kalai's family settled in DUBAI...She had taken time to forget vashu near by 2 years..then she became a story writer. one fine day she wrote vashu's story...before publishing the book, she sent that book to the lovely pairs...

Rekha and vashu felt happy because kalai married the business man and now she was living happily with one cute girl kid ...But still kalai mentioned the end of story is that...

"Vashu Is Kalai's always".

After seeing that...rekha pinched vashu and laughed loudly.....Vashu kidded her that please don't do suicide...Vasanthi started to run behind him to beat up and cute kids also were following to beat their dad.....

"Thanks for everyone for reading the story soon i will meet u with the story..."FIRST LOVE".....

#love story

0 notes

differentdove · 7 years

Note

all the questionsss :D

Top of tha mornin to ya, anon! I guess you DO wanna know something! Is it you that wants to know everything? If not, thats a pretty popular view, hahaha! But i like your hutzpah, kid! 1: Full name : Madison Grace

2: Age : I am nineteen

3: 3 Fears : I mean, I dont really have but one fear, but I suppose silence, darkness, and opening up to people, but those are just due to inner issues and are things easily fixed that i deal with on a daily basis.

4: 3 things I love : I love Paul and dinosaours and my family!

5: 3 turns on : Passion, no fear of social standards, hilarity!

6: 3 turns off : Common camo, no consideration of others, my ex bf!

7: My best friend: all of my friends now??

8: Sexual orientation: ?????????

9: My best first date: That is by far this last one i went on! It was incredible, i will never forget it!

10: How tall am I: Smol standing at 5′6′’

11: What do I miss: I miss traveling. I cant do it so much anymore as of this exact moment, but i do what i can

12: What time were I born: I was born exactly on the dot at 8:45 in the morning!

13: Favourite color: ALL THE COLOURS!

14: Do I have a crush: Nope!

15: Favourite quote: I dont really have one, but ill just put the last one that i shared. I came across it by accident and it is actually a lyric, but it says: “We make each other better, we may not be perfect, but we are perfect together” and its such a sweet, aweome song and it made me too emotional than i am confortable with.

16: Favourite place: I do not have one, actually!

17: Favourite food: How could you ever pick just one? There is so many delectable things out there!

18: Do I use sarcasm: Wha-whaaaattt! Pshhhh, haha, do i, do I use sarcasm?!?!? Hahahaha, noooooooooooooooo.

19: What am I listening to right now: I just have The Office playing in the background, ive gotta shower here soon, but I am tryna crunch out these questions first!

20: First thing I notice in new person: Existence?

21: Shoe size: That is a tricky question, but the shoes i am wearing today are a 9.5H

22: Eye color: As of rn, they are lightish brown!

23: Hair color: Browwwnn

24: Favourite style of clothing: I mean, i dont have an answer for this, but eccentric?

25: Ever done a prank call?: I mean, do middle school girls do dumb things at sleep overs?…yes.

27: Meaning behind my URL: I have used this url for soooooo many years now, it is basically my signature username. I came up with this in,,,a round fourth grade time, and that was when i was really noticing my connection to mother nature and i was the weird kid and so ‘different’ stood out to me, (”different” being a good connotation and “strange” being the opposing) and ‘dove’ was a nice word, showing a bit of religion and peace and so i feel they fit together very nicely! It also turned out for Morning Dove to be my first larger role, and my ancients gave me this bag of random jewlery from all over and it had a beautiful handmade dove in it with beads.

28: Favourite movie: N/a

29: Favourite song N/a

30: Favourite band Really, how does one pick these things?

31: How I feel right now: I,,,I feel, not necessarily happy, but, almost. Content?

32: Someone I love: Rachel

33: My current relationship status: Single and ready to fla-stay that way.

34: My relationship with my parents: Nonexistent?

35: Favourite holiday: I dont have one! I really kind of like all of them! Well, except for valentines day. Thats so stupid, im not even gonna get that soap box.

36: Tattoos and piercing i have: Sadly, i just have my lobes pierced, but i want soooo many more piercings that are underway. I want too many tattoos, and i cant really get them, so im just gonna deal without.

37: Tattoos and piercing i want: Well, the next is my conch ear pierced. I have an ear map of ones that i want.

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I mean, this is not my original tumblr, but it was actually my friend Tahlia who suggested it. I was making really cool art out of fruit at lunch and she wanted me to post it, and so she told me about it and i cant remember what that blog was, but i will remember eventually. But i joined off of her recommendation and here i am!

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: No, i mean,,, he hurt me beyond belief and its really something ive been trying to get the heck ut of my life, but no, i dont hate him. I know he despises me, but i feel what i feel and as much wrong as he did me, i do not hate him.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: I meaannn, technically yes, but ive not gotten a “good morning” text in a good while. I tend to talk to people very late, and so we will say good bye n good night, but not really, no.

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: I have not.

42: When did I last hold hands?: Goodness, that is a time ago, huh. Thats not something ive thought about in a good while. I held a mannequin hand earlier, but a human, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: It depends, anywhere from and hour to five hours.

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: HAHAHAHAHAHA

45: Where am I right now?: I am sitting on my couch in the living room. My home.

*the part where i shorten answers, sweet and simple. AKA i didnt realize how long this was and i want to get them all, but im on a time crunch*

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: Then it would be whichever friend is there. We have good care for one another. Or the DD

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: Suuuuuuuuuuper loud, man.

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: Ugh. Unfortunately.

49: Am I excited for anything?: I am excited, yes. I get to give a gift tomorrow and get ready for KCACTF.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: Theres not really anyone, of any gender, that i have told everything to.

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: too much.

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? I hugged this guy today…

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I mean she IS married, soooo

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: Huh? No?

55: What is something I disliked about today? I should have gotten something different at the restaurant, i didnt know it would be huge.

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: The frozen head of walt disney

57: What do I think about most? Theatre? God? Honestly, my thoughts are nothing to mess with

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can,,,uhhh, I am great at champagne towers?

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: Nope. But my friend is afraid of two things. Whales and jello.

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: Boooooth

61: What was the last lie I told?: Im hanging out with Shelby and Ariel.

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: Both is pretty cool. Talking is easier for my situation (more available, etc.)

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yep. YEP.

64: Do I believe in magic? Of course!

65: Do I believe in luck? Yes, but sometimes you have to make your own luck.

66: What’s the weather like right now? It is actually starting to snow! :D

67: What was the last book I’ve read? A Meisner book by friend lent me.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Overall-yes. but i hate pumping gas, and thats really the only time i smell it.

69: Do I have any nicknames? Not particularly, no.

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Probably my heart, itm.

71: Do I spend money or save it?: I am trying to balance.

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Yes, i can, actually.

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?: My ipad has pink in the case!

74: Favourite animal?: None. All of them.

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: Dude. Freaking out over Gravity Falls!

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: Uhhhhhhh, what? (McBadguy)

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: I mean, all of the musics. Ooh lala? By ginger minj.

78: How can you win my heart?: I dont know you, it depends on you. But i feel my sparkling personality is a shooin.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: “Theyre not dead. Theyre never gonna die, but still chipped in for a cool tombstone, TAKE THAT DEBORA.”

80: What is my favorite word?: I dont have one, but there is this thing where people say a word and it just sounds perfect with their voice. My freshman english teacher had one. And its just strange and itll stop me in my tracks.

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: Theres so many great ones! I highly reccomend lots of my mutuals, theyre all perfect hoomuns.

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: Made you look.

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: Not that i know of.

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?: The power to have every power.

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: Really anything on my personal life.

86: What is my current desktop picture?: I dont have a desktop.

87: Had sex?: Regerts. So many ragreeerrrts

88: Bought condoms? Nope.

89: Gotten pregnant? Nope.

90: Failed a class? Yes. And it is not hindering me.

91: Kissed a boy?: yes i have

92: Kissed a girl? Yep

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? No.

94: Had job? I have, i need another, though.

95: Left the house without my wallet? Only all the time.

96: Bullied someone on the internet? Of course not. Thats never okay.

97: Had sex in public? I mean, technically, but no, not really. If ever.

98: Played on a sports team? Yeah, several actually.

99: Smoked weed? The devils lettuce. That gateway drug? THe wacKY TOBACKEE?!?! Yes.

100: Did drugs? Yep.

101: Smoked cigarettes? No, goodness no. And thats not gonna happen. ick

102: Drank alcohol? Yep.

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? Never had this question before, i am vegan, yes!

104: Been overweight? Never not

105: Been underweight? HAha, yeahright

106: Been to a wedding? Yes! I love weddings! My last one ive been to was my dear friend Kelley.

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: Minimum.

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Childs play.

109: Been outside my home country? Yes and i cannot wait to go back

110: Gotten my heart broken? Hahahahaha only a lot.

111: Been to a professional sports game?: A few actually! I love it

112: Broken a bone? No, knock on wood

113: Cut myself? Yes. Dont do it.

114: Been to prom? Twice. Prom ruler yoyo

115: Been in airplane? Yes! Its great, good memories.

116: Fly by helicopter? Gosh i wish. I had an opportunity to at school, but i didnt learn until after the fact, They didnt think id want to. WOULDNT WANT TO. PSSSHHH. HA.

117: What concerts have I been to? So many. THe last big one was P!ATD and FOB in Georgia

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Maybe?

119: Learned another language? I am working on it, yeah.

120: Wore make up? I am actually wearing it at this very moment.

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: Ugh. Regeerrrtttsssssss

122: Had oral sex? Nope.

123: Dyed my hair? Nah

124: Voted in a presidential election? Sadly i have not. not yet.

125: Rode in an ambulance? No, actually. And i hope i never will. Unless its just a fun parade-type thing. Or a car chase.

126: Had a surgery? Besides oral surgery, no.

127: Met someone famous? A few, yeah. Shout out Fanboy

128: Stalked someone on a social network? Mildly, yeah.

129: Peed outside? So. Hard.

130: Been fishing? Nah

131: Helped with charity? Yeah, i love volunteering!

132: Been rejected by a crush?: Yuuuppppppp.

133: Broken a mirror? ……maybe a little

134: What do I want for birthday? Is surprise party a bad answer? Ive always wanted oneee

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? Ahhhhhh, who knows. Not present Madison. Thats future Madisons problem.

136: Was I named after anyone?: No, but who knows.

137: Do I like my handwriting? Yes. Its changed so much and is all over the place, but its great.

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?: Iiiiiii, i dont know.

139: Favourite Tv Show? N/a.

140: Where do I want to live when older? Nowhere. I want to keep traveling and live in cast/crew housing and yes.

141: Play any musical instrument? Clarinet, beginners piano, beginners cello, beginners bagpipes.

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? Ive not one on my right leg, four o’clock from my knee that i got from my kittens the last time i saw them…

143: Favourite pizza toping? Vegan thingssssss (a rare commodity where i live)

144: Am I afraid of the dark? Not teccchnically, but i cant be in it.

145: Am I afraid of heights? Nooooo, theyre wonderful!

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Nope. Its only illegal if you get caught.

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? School is being a dumb dummyhead.

148: What I’m really bad at. Everything, really?

149: What my greatest achievments are. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…?

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me. Honestly, i have those stored atm and really couldnt tell you.

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery. MADE SURE I CASKED THE TICKET ASAP. THOSE THIGNS HAVE A QUICK EXPIRATION DATE.

152: What do I like about myself. Uhhhh,,,,,,, my minds not there atm. Come again.

153: My closest Tumblr friend. Teccchnicaly its @shelby ashley 3, but idk if thats cheating.

154: Something I fantasise about. Fantasise? Idk if you know me, but thats a vvv tricky subject.

155: Any question you’d like? Well, you didnt specify for this, so i suppose were finished! You might have noticed by now, but i am not able to answer every question in the ‘traditional’ way, but i hope you had fun reading these and you learned something new! I enjoyed answering them! I hope you have a wonderful day!

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