have this abandoned WIP, friends <3 (i need to post more art, hang on-)

Why is it when paimon says ‘it should be near by!’ the distance from it to us is the length of sumeru including the desert

Nothing Paimon has ever said to me has been helpful ever.

Omg, if u got isekaied/sagau? To Teyvat I genuinely wouldnt know how i would react to Paimon 💀

Bc on one hand, she rlly cares about the traveler and shes sweet + been there this whole time

But on the other 💀

Shes over here like, "lets explore this area later" bc its dangerous (ur in teyvat irl now so all the lands r made/arent virtually blocked anymore)

And im like "sucks for u ig" and i just duck and weave that fairy, im gonna spoil myself and go to natlan and fontaine

Just try and stop me Paimon 🥊

waking up at 7am like normal on my days off and then patiently waiting till 11am to text my friends here because im nice like that

Harry Potter, son of Hecate... and James and Lily (HP x PJO AU)

so we're in an alternate universe where wixkind are basically a subspecies of human born from the spilled ichor of Hecate during the great giant war

sometimes Hecate goes around to check on her accidental creations by disguising herself as one of them and blending in

that is how she meets our power couple james and lily as one of their yearmates (Hecate was in ravenclaw btw if u even care😔)

hecate sticks around long enough to witness the fast approach of the first war against voldemort and she's like ??? well thats one of the most brutal and inefficient ways to chase for immortality but wtv

so somehow lily figures out that hecate is ,,, well ,,, hecate and asks for help on how theyre going to get out of this one alive

hecate is like mmm i dont usually help mortals but youre one of my faves so ill let you have this one

turns out hecate knew this was gonna happen the entire time bc of a prophecy apollo gave her (not the same one from trelawney, mind you) so the most she cld do to help lily without risking the ire of literally everyone else in the pantheon was ,,, help her give birth to their saviour ???

so harry james potter was born with three biological parents: hecate, james, and lily . to represent hecate's status as a triple goddess ??? and apparently harry will represent the union of three worlds : the godly, the magical, and the mundane/muggle .

hecate was under no obligation to continue keeping an eye on the wizarding world bc her role is done and they can take care of themselves now but she cant help but check in on harry from time to time ??? like thats her kid ??? and her fave mortal's ofc

so when she sees that harry was being treated as less than dirt at the dursley's she was like absolutely not and pulls some strings to get harry the fuck out of there

and thats how harry ends up in camp half-blood

mind you back then there were no cabins for non-major olympians so harry had to bunk w the hermes kids

but thats okay at least hes not being bullied anymore !!!

chiron is aware of the role harry is going to play in the wizarding world in the future but was instructed to not tell harry anything until the time was right

everyone knows harry is a hecate kid since he was claimed by her once he had his first sign of magic (made a bench in the dining pavilion explode)

harry befriends hestia in her kiddo form (yes i know nico was supposed to be the first demigod to talk to her in ages but this was in the 1990s bear with me hestia will still have a few years of lonesome before nico comes) without knowing she was hestia

harry gains the favour of hestia who gifts him a nifty little hand mirror that would take him home when he needs it the most

by the time harry is 11, he already has a decent amount of training and was even able to go to his first quest just a few days after he turned 10 yrs old after he was chosen by the words of the quest's prophecy

so harry enters the wizarding world armed with a sword disguised as a bracelet charm, a whole year's worth of ambrosia and nectar, and a bag of drachmas in case he ever gets homesick

and on his first halloween there, he slays a troll . not with a wand, but with a sword. ron is impressed, hermione is concerned, and the rest of the professors dont know what to do with a kid who was apparently trained in literal swordplay

he's in slytherin btw #slytherinsupremacy

IF YOU INSIST

takes your hands. come on this journey with me. for reference i consider kiryu to be exclusively gay but i feel like a lot of this except one bit also applies when reading him through a bisexual lens also <3 come listen to me talk about the way kiryu touches himself and how it changes throughout his life <3

i think when he was in his 20s he was a hedonist, far less so than nishiki but still, basically a frat boy, a horny 20 yr old. i dont imagine him having any actual sex partners during this time, in fact i think he's a virgin well into his middle age at Least. so he jacked off a lot. usually into his fist. i can see him making a fleshlight with 2 wet sponges and a cup. sometimes he got brave and touched his ass but felt so ashamed of it the days after he would be jumpy around nishiki and any other yakuza. (real yakuza cant like men...camera zooms in on kashiwagi) tldr hes so closeted and has so much internal homophobia it leeches into how he pleasures himself and knowing he might like sex in "unorthodox" ways is frightening in ways he doesnt super understand. ofc over the events of 0 he has bigger things to worry about but 0 is when i think kiryu's attraction to men comes to the forefront, through tachibana. (and also pocket circuit fighter.)

then, he goes to jail for 10 years. i think this period severely stunts him, because we know kiryu loves to just compartmentalize and shove all of the scary feelings down so he can just keep ignoring them, and being an invisible inmate makes that so much easier. any self pleasure he does during and immediately after this time is quick, utilitarian. dry and chafing just getting it over with, you know? any emotion attached to the act is a distant staticky buzz in the back of his mind.

of course im a kazumaji truther so during yakuza 1/kiwami, majima introduces to him a new level of sexual frustration that leads to him exploring pain and masochism by himself. majima doesnt *give* him this fetish, so much as he just opened the locked door to it. he digs his fingers into the cuts and bruises majima leaves on him and turns the shower water up until its scalding because if he didnt do this in the shower he'd pass out after with dried cum on himself. i think his feelings toward majima during this time are frightening spaghetti to him - something im sure irritates majima to no end, majima in my mind is far more assured of himself and who he is and his own sexuality and attraction to other men - and i dont think that kiryu does much in the way of exploration around this time aside from the odd burst of confidence (we were robbed by the banana bar substory.) he might try to touch his ass again here and there but theres still that twist of shame that he cant quite shake. i dont know when exactly i hc him entering a relationship with majima, if at All (i love the angst), but if he is having sex with majima at this time i think that relationship kicks his Growth into overdrive and he overcomes those hurdles a lot easier.

shame, i think, holds kiryu back a lot, because if he is this way, he isnt what is expected of him. if that makes sense. kiryu is supposed to shoulder it all alone and keep the tojo clan from sinking and there isnt room in that power fantasy for taking it up the ass and finding comfort in another mans arms, because this series is rife with toxic masculinity and commentary on it here and there.

on theme with burying his feelings and how peoples expectations of him affect him, kiryu in 2/kiwami 2 is DEEPLY SUICIDAL. like the whole game. if you havent noticed. kiwami 2 is one of my least favorite games of the series so this may color my judgment here a little. i think both kiryu and kaoru were experiencing comphet as their relationship progressed, especially the weird makeout next to her brothers corpse. you do weird things under stress, adrenaline, and trauma, and thats what i chalk this part of the game up to. i dont see him engaging in much, if any, self loving around this time period because of his severe depression, ptsd, and deep desire to end it all. if he does its in the "i might as well" way, or just to make time pass. he might even engage in it in a compulsory way, because he knows he'll feel a little better by the end bc orgasming does that, but its literally just for that purpose, not to Feel Good in a sexual way. just to hurry up and crank one out in the shower so he can get it together enough to get haruka to school.

kiryu has growing to do when he starts raising children and does his best to let go of any predjudices he has, but i think he still struggles with his own attraction to men. he never ever would teach his kids anything but to be kind, even if they find something odd. but he cant afford that kindness to himself. when i was in elementary school, i came home one day and told my mom "today i learned from my friend that gay is when boys like boys and that lesbian is when girls like girls :)" and then...that was that. she was like. "ah. okay... who said that to you? i see. did he say anything else about it?" and she didnt really push me to one conclusion about those facts. thats kind of how i see kiryu navigating some of these conversations. he'd steer them toward the kind option, if they needed it, but sometimes "yeah thats right. gay men are men who like men. lesbians are women who like women." is all you need, the confirmation that its real, and the neutrality that means yeah its fine.

and i think haruka is the most perceptive of kiryu bc of how they have grown together so like She Knows. if anyone puts the pieces together besides majima itd have to be her. and i think the conversation they one day (probably not around 3-era, unsure where i'd place this) have kind of also touches on harukas own bisexuality bc nothing abt what she did w that one girl she was friends with in 5 was hetero. 2 me. i wish I could be more coherent about this scene in my head, but i feel like its a conversation where a lot remains unsaid but is innately understood. they dance around the topic because saying it outright teeters on too much, but they know what theyre talking about. the love between them is unconditional.

anyway he doesnt have much time to masturbate when running the orphanage, but because he's busy with chores and taking care of a bunch of kids who he loves. plus thin walls. but hes gentler with himself when he does. maybe he starts foraying into men strictly in pornography, he's got magazines under the futon or looks up crusty jpegs on his phone or something. he lets go of some of the shame because he's found somewhere else where it feels right for him to be. he is so happy in okinawa it drives me crazy.

skipping over 4 bc he's still in okinawa for the majority of that game until saejima and company wash up on his beach and then he has to go back to kamurocho, during the events of 5 he is NOT touching himself. he hates himself so much in that game. he hardly showers. he lives with a woman and covers up her naked body when she strips in front of him. his boss is pointing out how gay everyone at his job thinks he is but insisting its okay but being clocked like that is a super specific punch to the gut that he wasnt really prepared for and really flusters him. for the most part i dont think his dick exists to him. he's sitting to pee. he hasnt gotten it up in months.

i blocked 6 from my memory for the most part except how kiryu in a baseball uniform makes my dick hard. haruka and yuta i think r bi4bis my girl deserves it.

post 6, he is not Kiryu Kazuma anymore, and despite the pain that comes from forced separation from his family, being a different person is so freeing. he gets to explore things. he gets to let his shoulders drop and relax for the first time since 2005. im playing thru gaiden right now and already dont remember all of the daidoji restrictions on him but by now he's pretty much fully realized himself and embraced his sexuality. he lets himself have his fantasies. he's become a bit of a hedonist like he was in his 20s with far more easy access to gay porn and sex toys. i know my man has a butt plug in his gay ass!!! i love bottom kiryu. have i ever said how much i love bottom kiryu. i think he has nights where he puts on a porn video and treats himself. i think he has some drinks and a cigarette and fingers himself and plays with his balls and teases himself until his orgasm sneaks up on him. and then he takes a shower and goes to sleep in his underwear. is he completely healthy? absolutely not. his self sacrificial streak and need to bear all of the pain by himself is why he's here. he still has unaddressed severe trauma and depression. but he can fingerfuck himself and watch gay porn without his stomach churning over the fact that he actually wants this, so progress is progress.

i need to stress. i started thinking about all this. because i put kiryu in this outfit

and thought about him putting on dark plum colored lipstick and looking at himself in the mirror and smudging it a little and getting so hard that he gets lightheaded and immediately needing to jack off about it. i would say im going to write that fic but i know i wont.

i know its not impossible to live a normal, happy life as a person with mental issues, but sometimes it seems like such a foreign idea. i dont think i can ever be loved because there is js something wrong with me n im not pretty or thin. i understand why i barely have friends, i understand why no one would ever like me romantically. i think my friends barely tolerate me. i js wish is could be better and perfect, or as close to perfect. i dont want to feel fucked up. sure, i know nothing i do as a teenager really matters (at least when it comes to the relationships n friendships i have) in the grand scheme of things, and that everything is temporary. in a few years, i wont remember all of these thoughts i had right now, in this exact moment, but im still feeling the emotions, and it affects me greatly, no matter how much i try to say it doesnt matter, its a temporary. but thats whats terrifying; its all temporary. i wont be remembered. i will probably just be the kid who was quiet and barely had friends in many ppl's memory. i have done nothing to make sure i leave a mark on this world. i dont think i have even left a lasting impression on someone. i just want to know that i will be remembered and loved. maybe i just have to wait until i do something noteworthy, maybe then i could be loved, but honestly, i dont know. i js feel like i will be alone forever. i wont have friends or a family or anyone. i feel like im so difficult to love and/or befriend. i just wish i was better. i wish i was like my best friend. she is perfect, so many ppl love her, and reasonably so. shes beautiful n fun n a great person all around. i wish i could be like that. i hate myself so much. i miss being a stupid child who didnt know anything and thought i was gonna live a happily-ever-after, disney princess story. im sure kid me would be disappointed in current me. not last year me tho, last year me would be proud. but me from 10 yrs old n before, yea, she would be disappointed. i was supposed to be better than this. what happened? i was supposed to be a happy teenage kid. i wasnt supposed to be this. im sorry. im so sorry. i wish i could fix myself. i wish i could become what i truly wanted to be. i dont want to be like this. i swear i can be the good little kid again, i want to be her, please. i dont want to be me. please, i js want to be okay again. i wish i had go thru with my suicide plan last year, or the year prior to that. i didnt mean to live this long. i dont want to live any longer. i need to rest.

matcha dot core -> b4ll4d33r-06

(needef to make my un more autism flvr, scrunkly ref)

(used to b a monoma pfp. i am now the silly creature. bg img is me nd my cool bf as scarachode. cheesescara...used to b nui diluc..now gay ppl)

(in hindsight i look like a bot srry guys i swear im real i jus like my borbl alot nd Am Not Creative w uns)

UH PLACEHOLDER UHM AB ME OR SUMN ND UH YA

um hi im nick or eve or ophe whvr sounds cooler, um minor here um i post ab genshin i think idk im rb heavy um hi (AND TSP...I UM...IM GONNA DO THAT TOO NOW??)

also imm vv sporadic nd i mispell things alot (also i type w "f" to replace certain letters in words bc um habit then i realised its bcof my lisp somehow bleeding into text bc i keep it in alof ok um thats ab it ND SOMETIMES THEREF NSFW JKS BC UH...WE LIKE TO GET SILLY W IT...PROBABKY JUS ME BEING STUPID LMAO BUF THATS IT.

alfo pls refrain from making sefxual jks/refs to any of my art erm i draw mostly soft/goofy stuff nd erm arent realfy supposed to b taken as that kinda nsfw so um. ya (i rarelyfy post art but that might change so like. erm heafs up.) yk unless i like. say that its yea but like. ya. generally pls dont ig

um dni: uh basic criteria (xphobics) terfs swerfs uh proships stay 10 ft away from me dark content/horror content makers r welcome tho but jus not if ur Fucking Weird.(comship/proship "for fun" yall r the bane of my existence)(im nof kidding yall weird me out nd make me wildly feel unsafe) uh i canf thinof others rn endo suppprters yall r also p weird icl umppl unfer 14 and below bc tbh i jus dont vibe w u guys (nit a dunk on younger ppl im jus vv tired nd cant keep up w u guys)(im a granpa hav nercy on my wittling back nd inability to process ur vague joking insults)(literally that atom bomb vs wheezing baby meme w 13 yr olds nd my very slow nd easily butthurt autism brain) ALSO PPL OVER 25.....UNLESS I INTERACT FIRST OR SUMN???IDK????IDK WHAT UD EVEN FIND HERE ANW ITS JUS FANDON STUFF ND TSP UHHH THATS IT..(THIS JUS HAPPENED SO LIKE. YEA SORRY IFORGOT TO SAY..)

(edited!! made stuff clearer nd took out unnecessary stuffs!!! ill never make a formal/proper looking intro sorry gang)

🧀 anon joining the CIA as in Central Intelligence Agency??? 😲

AND NO‼️here we do not apologize for prioritizing our mental health and other things in life !! actually when i pressed "sent" my internet was cut off so i was kinda scared my ask was deleted/ u didn't receive it 😵

i live in vietnam !! (also for the record i didn't know u live in australia until i scrolled a bit 😗) AND NOOO UR VIET IS FINE! (most of the media i watch/ read is in english + limited social interactions so my viet is just tragic... and i literally live in the country🧍‍♀️(the "i'm turning into a white woman" audio is literally me 😭) like can u believe i only know abt the new slangs and all after downloading tiktok (DAWG THIS IS EMBARRASSING 😭😭)

TYSM cuz some of the majors i might aim for has literature in it and well over the years i've considered literature my #1 enemy... (it's literally a joke/ univeral knowledge in my family (+extended) 🥲) UR ADVICE WASN'T IRRELEVANT ‼️‼️ IT'S ACTUALLY USEFUL FOR PART 1 IN THE TESTS (where they gave you part of a poem/ a paragraph and ask you to analyze the method and ur thoughts on the message)

mùa thu ở đây mát với trời mây mây, đỡ nắng còn mùa hè ở thành phố em thì nắng nóng ko chịu nỗi luôn, mùa đông mà tối đi á gió nhiều, có mấy bữa em bệnh chỉ vì thời tiết đó 🫠

enhypen. that's it. that's the thought cuz 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 (heeseung singing despacito got me 😳)

à chị cũng đừng cảm thức áp lực về việc inactive/ active trên đây hay viết truyện nha, để tránh bị burnout/ mất động lực á 💝 (im sorry if this sounds like im forcing u 😭😭 i don't know how to word it but i hope u get what i mean 🫶🫶🫶)

- em anon ☆

EXACTLYYYY im like ?? HUH??? CIA ???!!$&@

also yep i’m in australia rn 😭😭 which means i’m far away from everything 😟💔 also OMGGG whereabouts in vn do u live?? :0 my dad is from sóc trăng and my mum is from rạch giá !!! unfortunately i was born & raised here so my viet is like questionable at best (but thank u anyway for the encouragement hsjdjsjsj) and it doesn’t help that i don’t have many viet speaking friends 😭😭 i rlly gotta brush up on my viet tho (i’m actually visiting next yr hehehe) and ALSO DAWG WYS YOURE LITERALLY FLUENT ???? NOT U SAYING ALL THIS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER I CANT 😭😭😭😭 AND HAJDJAA THATS SO FUNNY PLS EDUCATE ME ON ALL THE SLANG COS I LITERALLY DO NOT COMMUNICATE W ANYONE BUT MY PARENTS IN VIET SO IDK ANYTHING THATS LIKE YOUNG OR MODERN IF YK WHAT I MEAN 💀💀💀 i’ve tried to understand some but damn they’re complicated af like wth wdym gòy soq is supposed to be rồi xong idk if it’s just me cos i only ever speak viet to old ass people but like WHAT ??)&@$ it’s okay lucky i have u to guide me 😽🙏🙏

and omgggg no way??? so if not lit, what do u plan on studying for uni? :o ALSO AAAA IM GLAD !!! my exams for english were always the same 😭 they always gave us various texts and we just had to analyse + write essays on them so that’s what i rambled on abt devices and stuff BHSJDJJS

hahaha chị chỉ đi vn 1 lần (lâu quá r… chắc khoảng 10-12 năm? 😟). khi đó mùa hè, rồi chị kb đại sao mọi người mặc áo tay dài, nhưng sau 1-2 ngày chị mới hiểu đc mắy con muỗi ở vn là… idk … FUCKING RABID????? 😭😭💀 my GAWD chị ghét nhứt bị cắn con đó $@2@8;93&( đang nhớ lại chị bị ngứa 😭😭 aaaa thiết ha?? tội nghiệp em quá 😭😭 pls take care of urself 🥹💓💖🫶

ALSO OMG HAVE U SEEN THE NEW PICS FROM THEIR CONCERT IM SKFELFIEOIROEIRKDS (also IS HEESEUNG UR BIAS TOO??? idk if you’ve already told me or not �� but it’s 2am here & my brain is half dead) also i’m not sure if you stan aespa or not but i believe they were recently in vn 🥹🥹💖

ALSO THANK U MY LOVE!!!!! aiya chị thương em quá nhiều so pls pls take care of urself and eat lots of healthy food MWAH MWAH 😽😽🫶🫶

guilt lolll

i only cringe when i try to sound serious so i have this urge to write lol after everything but i also don't want to do that at all. but so basically ughh i don't even feel like using periods anymore

so im not going to

from now on im not using punctuation

ill just make a new paragraph for every thought

no ok this is getting annoying too

ok ill stop but pls know that im so unserious rn and every period i write is written with the highest level of whimsy possible. LOLOLOL ive never said whimsy before idek if i used it right but i couldn't think of the word that i was thinking of. omg this is so fun im actually writing everything that im thinking of!! i tried doing this in my old diary but i couldn't write fast enough to keep up, luckily im a much faster typer ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

OMG lemme start talking about the whole reason i started this. so basically this is just an intro for something else but i think about it a lot

so like i recently had a sort of awakening? kind of? like it was rlly just me growing up and realizing that the world doesn't actually revolve around me. but like in the best way possible bc i thought everyone's lives around me were perfect and i was the only imperfect one but now i realize everyone has their own problems which ik sounds like smth i should've realized as a kid but idk ig im just rlly dumb and self involved.

so anyway, i have always felt guilt pretty heavily like as a kid i would end up confessing to my parents anytime i did anything wrong because the guilt would literally eat me alive. ooh i have a rlly funny story

i was in like 6th grade and it was that time where i started getting all horny and curious. but the thing is i was suuuper sheltered like i don't even think i knew what sex was until like highschool and so i didn't know what was going on yk. all i knew is that looking at boobs made me feel some type of way( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) HAHAHA

OK SO I WOULD LOOK UP CLEAVAGE PRANKS ON YT LIKE EVERY DAY BECAUSE BOOBS IS A BAD WORD AND I CANT JUST TYPE BOOBS

its crazy bc i felt guilty but i didnt even know why?? like im a girl so ofc im curious about what my boobs will look like one day right??? no yeah that excuse stopped working after a yr when i realized i was feeling stuff yk so i completely stopped watching them

it had been about a month since i stopped and i thought the guilt would go away but it literally got worse. so i was lying in bed, and at this point i couldn't even sleep it was so bad, my stomach was hurting and i couldn't stop crying so eventually i went and woke my parents up at 3 am and i was crying so hard that i was like gasping for air so they were both terrified

i sat them down and it took me like 10 minutes to finally speak

and i told them "ive been watching bad videos"

and they started laughing

i cant make this up

it was so embarrassing

so anyway now that you get an idea of what my guilt was like then, its definitely a lot better now but it transformed into me feeling guilty about things that i cant just fix with a confession which makes it harder

ik life is unfair and thats just how it is and we're supposed to just accept it but its soooo hard like sooo hard for me to accept

and im so fucking lucky like im rlly starting to realize how lucky i am now but omg im so grateful for everything that i have but like i don't deserve this at all yk? like i didn't do anything to deserve this life and it makes me feel so shitty like im not a good enough person to get all of this and i feel guilty so i feel like helping ppl is the only way to get rid of the guilt but that's so selfish so then i feel like an even worse person and i feel more guilty and its this crazy cycle that i just made up but idk. im obviously self aware enough to realize that me feeling like i don't deserve the life i have is a me problem. and ik ive been obsessed with the idea of being a good person like my whole life but my awareness of the obsession only makes me feel terrible. like how can i even be a good person anymore if anytime i do anything good i think its fake? and another recent worry that i have is that i have a savior complex which definitely is what this paragraph sounds like. like i feel like since i got so lucky its my "duty" to help other ppl bc it could easily be me in that situation yk.

i obviously have a weird relationship with guilt and my own self image so i wrote this story a long time ago. like a rlly rlly long time ago. this is one of the first things ive ever written for pleasure bc i used to hate writing. so like its obviously not good but it makes me feel things so i wanna put it in here

standing on the damp stone floor barefoot, you look up to see yourself in some kind of cave with an eerie glow illuminating what would be complete darkness.  you feel empty- or maybe blank would be a better word, nothing is in your mind, no memories or significant thoughts. but more than that, no emotions- even the realization that you are naked doesn’t bring panic.  trying to think what your shivering wet body is doing here, bare and alone in a dark cave, you almost don’t notice when you see a figure approaching you. the unusual lack of anxiety as you’re waiting allows you to notice it’s odd movement almost like the unknown being is floating. now it is close enough that you make eye contact, and everything comes back.

all of your memories and emotions overwhelmingly flood your brain pushing you to a crouched position on the floor.  as you cradle your head in pain, you squint up at the once unknown figure now in front of you. though you’ve never met before, you somehow instinctively know exactly who it is and what their presence means for you.  the inevitability of the situation leaves you feeling less scared than you should be and more tired from the waiting.  in fact you were exhausted, waiting practically your whole life for this, your fear easily overshadowed by your impatience.  defeatedly standing up, you take a step forward, giving your soul to the devil.

he looks at you with what impossibly seems like sympathy.  gesturing for you to present your forehead, you  squeeze your eyes shut and raise your head.  while you feel numb to most of your emotions, you can’t help but feel the shiver of terror that goes through you as you wait with your forehead bared.  after what feels like hours you finally feel a soft touch to your forehead, almost like—

your eyes snap open to find him lifting up from the kiss.  a kiss. on your forehead. he kissed your forehead. wondering if this was a trick to make the resulting torture worse, you look up at his face only to see it engulfed by sadness, tears threatening to fall out of the devil’s eyes.  you don’t understand, this isn’t what you deserve.  finally feeling an emotion, you are panicking.  you had been waiting to be punished, getting what you deserve is what should be happening it’s what needs to happen. ‘it can’t end like this it can’t end like this it can’t end like this it can’t end like this’, repeating in your head.  you hysterically look up to see tears silently flowing out of the monster and belatedly realize you’re sobbing too, echoes of your panicked wailing filling the cave.  desperately trying to spark a reaction, you push the devil hoping he will retaliate but he only stands there, continuing to silently cry for you. 

*LOL GET IT my guilt was my punishment but fun fact: my parents actually did this like they almost never punished me for anything bc my guilt was enough

when i came back to tumblr after like two months absence i gained like 30 followers immediately where was your enthusiasm before then

imo mature pure would be like modest businesswear bc no one expects a 5 yr old to wear a pantsuit

You really made me think about what the tags refer to really, and i thought the best place to do research is... inside the game so

Never, or rarely, do clothes have jusy one attribute. The above are mature and elegant, which makes complete sense when you look at them. They re something adults would wear, hence mature, but with this air of elegance to them. Simple enough.

Mature sexy, again, something an adult would wear but with a sexy spin to it.

Now, mature pure has like, not even 10 clothes per section. It doesnt even have socks. (In my clothes collection of about 9.1k anyway) but you re right anon, it does have an air of modesty to it.

So, what is mature really? The name made it on a surface level seem like its almost synonimous with sexy, which creates confusion (to me at least). But really mature just means something an adult, a mature person, would wear.

Cute is the opposite of mature because once youre an adult youre supposed to look prim and proper, and cute is filled with bright colors and frills and puffy clothes.

I think there are some clothes that could be cute mature though, like these ones.

This looks like a grandma sweater

Anyway thats that with my introspection on what love nikki is trying to convey with its tags bye

as always i have Pastry Cookie Thoughts soooo headcanon time here we goooo

when she leaves the order i dont think she would Want to join the cookies of darkness BUT she probably would out of desperation anyway to stay as far away from the order as she can be (i think the st pastry order is probably very isolating so she probably doesnt rlly know anybody on the outside) (i could also go into this one more but i will leave that for later)

i also dont think she was willingly converted into the religion , and that it was a ‘fake it till u make it’ type of deal where the first couple of years she was like “this is dumb, but if i dont participate ill get in trouble” and eventually she started to overcompensate for her lack of belief by pretending to be the most insufferable c*tholic ever until she deluded herself into believing

shes one of the younger members of the order, most of the member are old dusty women lol. also she joined VERY young like 9-11 yrs old, so her entire teenage life was spent in a convent (she would also probably be pretty socially awkward or just straight up antisocial cuz of it, not to mention just socially unacceptable. most old catholic ladies are pretty insane anyway, cant imagine how a much worse bunch of old nuns are) in canon shes abt 20-24

apparently when u become a nun ur supposed to cut/shave ur hair so it fits under the veil, but she vehemently refused to cut off any of her hair, so she keeps it in a bun (her bun is actually canon, if u look ingame u can see a braided bun underneath her veil!!) i like to think her hair actually is long as fuck, like it reaches her upper thigh, but thats just me

i prefer her using a regular bow instead of a crossbow idk why, i just think the posture for shooting a crossbow looks a little dumb. ill continue drawing her with a regular bow tbh

bites her fingers as a nervous habit, and thus has a bunch of little scars on her hands as a result

probably forces herself to have a resting bitch face lol, in her talking animation she has a much more relaxed expression (and even laughs!! thats the only instance of her smiling in the game!! ignoring her animations with her costume, i refuse to believe her costume is canon) so im taking that as her natural expression

this one is more au centric than anything, but the reason she does that weird one eye open one eye closed is cuz her eyesight is fading in one eye, so shes trying to get used to only using one eye so she’ll get used to it by the time she goes blind in that eye

half siblings with madeleine, share the same mother. hes like 10 months older but he pretends its like a 5 yr age difference and it pisses her off alot. also constantly brings up how taller he is than her and only enrages her further

just some silly little headcanons lol dont take these too seriously. ill stop here before this post gets too long.

hmmm. ill pull one out of my ass. what about ben or kevin for the character thing

favorite thing about them: from the original i think even to omniverse (though. Aough yknow) i do think ben really does encapsulate a somewhat relatable portrayal of what would happen if a 10-16 yr old was given super powers, for better or for worse. i think a lot of ben's charm comes from both his sincere desire to help people and do what he thinks is right and also his complete goofball fuckin' around 'i really should have thought about this for more than 2 seconds damn it' hijinks

least favorite thing about them: this i feel is more of a gripe with his inconsistent writing ? it feels like they want to keep ben was a moral center bc obviously ben 10 is at its core a superhero cartoon and ben is our hero, but the writers often flipflop between what/what they like... want ben to be or how to fulfill that, so you get a lot of instances where hes supposed to have "learned" something but he obviously hasnt/slips back into old habits bc its easy to either a) flip it into a new "lesson" or something to give the writers some sort of credibility or illusion of thought or b) painfully unfunny """comedy""". hes allowed to be annoying though cuz hes a teenager thats fine i like that ben is annoying

favorite line: the problem with ben 10 being so fucking long is that its hard to retain a lot of actual lines and who said them imo but to be honest i did really like that time an alien dignitary or something showed up to give ben a medal and he just burped at them

brOTP: HIM AND ROOK. IT'S FREE OLDER BROTHER

OTP: UHH ben's love life is a mess tbh but its also hard for me to get too invested just cuz im not a teenager anymore so i dont relate to teenage love plots very strongly gghfdkjgh.. i thought it was sad how him and julie went from being really cute actually to just a complete mess. i did really like ben/kevin in high school though like i cant lie

nOTP: him and attea like that shit with him and looma was objectively bad but aging up attea from like 8 to a teenager was truly demonic

random headcanon: i think hes hamster sized. no sorry. i Know he is the size of a hamster. any average adult or just barely in shape teen could throw him like a tennis ball easily

unpopular opinion: UM ig ppl assume hes selfish cuz of the characterization especially in ov but i dont think hes anymore selfish than an average teenager ? i suppose when you consider his self-sacrificial tendencies you could argue hes kind of forced himself to be less selfish than kids are often allowed to be but again a lot of this kind of stems from me wishing they explored ben putting up the selfish, self-assured, annoying Hero Guy front as like a bad and strange coping mechanism to kind of convince himself of it to an extent in any like. actual earnest capacity. cuz outside of one episode in ultimate alien maybe i think it was just totally dropped x_x

song i associate with them: SPEAKING OF THE ABOVE LMAO imposter syndrome by sidney gish...

favorite picture of them:

at first i was gonna pick a screenshot of him i thought was cute but actually fuck you

ben in the mocap suit.

GODDD i’m not supposed to feel old on tiktok i’m not supposed to feel old anywhere i’m sixteen i’m not old by any metric of any kind but like i’ll open tiktok and half the posts i see are from like 13-14 yr olds MIDDLE SCHOOLERS deadass looking older than me what the fuck is wrong with yall ljke yall haven’t finished middle school yall have barely BEGUN it i hate the internet and porn culture it’s so deep rooted in our society that eighth graders feel the need to look 10 years older than they are by caking their face in makeup and wearing low cut crop tops and shorts that no CHILD should be allowed near like why have we moved so far in society that children feel like they aren’t allowed to be children anymore??? these kids are hitting puberty and immediately heading off to make themselves ‘hot’ with makeup and clothes fucken ten years out of their age range they skip the awkward discovery periods of things like gender and sexuality and makeup and clothing and self expression in general and think they may as well be 17 when they’re 13 like there is so much growing and personal development to happen in those few years and the internet has made these kids feel like they need to like. speedrun all that development and self discovery and embarrassment thats supposed to take years and cram it all into a few weeks periods it’s so fucked up and i’m so scared for them they’re setting themselves up to be preyed on and so many of them don’t see a problem with it bc their GOAL is to look older and ‘hotter’ and attractive to grown ass men and when you bring up these concerns with them they’re all like ‘you’re just mad because i’m hotter than you were at 13’ like YEAH i GUESS but the problem is i didn’t worry about being hot at 13 but you are and i’m mad about THAT. they have been brainwashed into thinking they need to be desirable to grown ass men and it’s disgusting and scary and i’m fucking terrified for these kids.

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

U HAD AN HYPERFIXATION ON RAT TORTURE DEVICES IN 6TH GRADE

okay sorry this took so long to get to but i just had to find my old history assignment because YES i had a hyperfixation on medieval punishment/torture in 6th grade and YES that included rat torture and YES @natalyasneverland i see u girl so this is for u too <3

SO, yeah, 12 yr old me was UTTERLY OBSESSED with medieval punishment and all other kinds of torture, including but not limited to, RAT TORTURE!!!

now im pretty sure everyone knows what rat torture is thanks to movies and whatnot but if u DONT know, the basic gist was this:

Step 1. Find ur torture victim! 😱🗡🩸Step 2. Strap them down and then place a live rat on their chest/stomach 🐀🐀🐀 Step 3. Put a bucket or pot over the rat! Make sure the bucket/pot is secure so the rat cant escape ❌🪣🔒 Step 4. Put a buncha hot coals on top of the bucket/pot to heat it up, and wait for the results! 🔥🔥🔥

Spoiler alert: the results are the rat, upon realising it cant break through the bucket/pot, panics and tries to escape the heat the only way it can - by clawing through the torture victims chest/stomach. Yikes, right? Yeah. They also used to just straight up trap people in rooms with rats and let em get bit, and also some military dictatorships used to shove rats up peoples asses/coochies to torture them. even more yikes!

so, thats rat torture. i think i actually did a buncha sketches of it when i was a kid (just the bucket one. not the other stuff. ew) but i cant find em so i mighta threw em out, but i DID find my old history assignment on medieval punishment -

how many times did i say "usually" and "innocent" in this assignment? jesus. Young Me Use A Thesaurus ChallngeTM. anyways this was the title slide, check this shit out lol:

and yeah i drew that dripping shit and it was red cos it was supposed to be blood cos 12 yo me was fucked in the head lmao. i drew all those little things like the bread slice and the water drop and the broken bone using the computer mouse and microsoft powerpoint, as u do, and all of my titles were in red, LIKE BLOOD MWAHAHAHA

also the mutilation slide:

yeah. here i said that i didnt wanna look it up so i didnt freak out my teacher, but actually i was too scared to look it up and see a buncha bloody mutilated faces, so i just made up this bullshit instead. 12 yo me was a pussy, apparently

also this:

is what my teacher wrote at the end of my assignment fshdjfkfkdkfk. see, for this history class each assignment was worth a few points, some more than others, obviously, and the more points u get the better ur grade (or some bullshit like that. i cant quite remember but im pretty sure thats how it went) so some were worth 1 and others like 3 - 5 i think. but YEAH even my teacher could see that i got carried away with this one and its entirely the educations systems fault cos if u ask a nerd about their hyperfixation u are GONNA get an earful. i also rlly liked medieval fashion and social classes and various medieval jobs and well, just pretty much anything medieval. u should have seen what i was like when i first discovered lord of the rings. i would not want to have been my parents back then. so of course for history class i always picked the medieval assignments which were never worth as many points as like, aussie history or ww2 but i didnt care because i was having FUN

ALSO! before u even ask, NO the iron maiden is not on my assignment, cos theres no real evidence that it actually existed in medieval times so SSHHH. at least its not as bad as the (alleged) persian boat torture rip

so yes thank u for this message and thank u for asking about the weirdass obsessions i had as a kid, even if it did concern all the adults around me that i knew how mummification worked at age 10

anyways this is what my teacher put on my assignment, so i cant have done that bad!