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not-poignant · 3 months

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You have a very broad readership; do you still, like most ao3 writers, use writing as a way to make friends? If so, how do you manage both to make connections and keep from uncomfortable parasocial engagements?

(admitting: I like your work a lot, I have a similar interest in writing trauma and recovery, I would like to befriend you, but I don't want to bother you bc lots of people want to be friend with writers they like and there's no way you'd have energy for all of them!)

Hi hi anon,

So...this response might be disappointing, but I didn't use fanfiction writing as a way of making friends. That's not why I started, and it's never been the reason for me to be in fandom.

(Thoughts about friendship and stuff under the read more, it's pretty personal so no obligation to read. The TL;DR is I am bad at friendship and I also am not like 'most AO3 writers' (is that really why most AO3 writers write?) in the sense that I never wrote fanfiction as a way to make friends and it's very weird to me sometimes that people actually do this as a motive).

When I turned up in fandom, it was a very private experience for me. I didn't know anyone else locally who shared the same fandom/s I do. When I shared fanfiction on Livejournal, I did so to complete strangers who I never got to know better, or to people who were already friends through other interests.

I've never gone to fandom conventions (there's few here, and I have severe social anxiety. By the time I thought about going I was in my late 30s, and just felt like I'd be too much of an outsider even among fellow outsiders - again, I shared almost no fandoms or ships with anyone I knew locally, and no one I'm friends with / know in person reads my fanfiction). Fandom was always an incredibly isolated experience for me.

When I joined AO3, it wasn't with a view to making friends. I was extremely burnt out, I'd quit my previous job as a professional artist because I couldn't see a way of making the income work out, and I just wanted to write a very angst-filled story that would help me deal with my loneliness which I didn't see as something that would ever change. Writing about a character who's experienced centuries of loneliness was like 'cool, yeah, I'm gonna write about him.'

I did end up making friends, but it was kind of by accident! And not all of those experiences were positive. One person in particular became quite toxic and cruel towards me, and I experienced my first kind of encounter with...I guess what I would call the uglier side of fandom life and also just friendship and relationships. It took me a long time to recover from that experience (and to learn what emotional abuse is), and after that I shut down and stopped kind of making friends on the internet.

I have made friends through the writing since (they're usually the mutuals I also have on Instagram, or here, or people I've DMed in Discord etc.), but I haven't really sought it out actively and I think anyone who knows me well enough that we've private messaged a few times, also knows that I'm quite aloof and reserved, and that I will engage quite deeply sometimes but then disappear for a few months (or years) re: communication, which is a remnant of a period of time where I used to get sometimes 200 Whatsapp messages in 5 minutes from someone who expected me to be accountable to her every second of every day when she was awake and wanted me to be.

On top of like, severe social anxiety + PTSD, and being very reserved in general, I would also say I'm very time poor. I don't have much time for the friends I already have and care about. I often view myself as quite a poor friend, who is not good at starting and even worse at maintaining connections. I'm also very private. As in, I will happily tell the world I have PTSD. But I won't tell my friends in a private conversation when I'm having a bad night, and I don't give friends many opportunities to connect. Even with really close friends, this is an ongoing issue that I'm working on.

So as for befriending, that's extremely sweet of you anon, but who I am in my personal life is sometimes very different to like... the way I can respond in comments or to anons, because it's actually easier for me to talk to strangers sometimes than it is for me to talk to friends, lol. I honestly think some of the people I consider my friends don't even know that I do, because I don't really behave like one. I chat online regularly to one person only, and one other person intermittently (and they're a romantic partner) and that's it. Everyone else I chat to pretty rarely in DM. But I do turn up in the Fae Tales Discord every day.

I don't actually think lots of people want to be my friend, tbh? Not in a 'woe is me' way, but simply because I think some people do grok that kind of... polite distance or that sort of warm 'I care for a lot of people but I am also quite personally walled off' kind of way. The good news is a lot of the folks in the Fae Tales Discord also share a lot of interest in writing trauma and recovery, or have those experiences, and I know a lot of good friends have been made within the like...faedom itself. A lot of neurodivergent, trauma-focused folks have met each other through this writing, and it's really cool seeing the different friendships that have sparked up between people. There's a lot of extremely like... skilled, talented, interesting people that I've met through this job, who I admire, respect and want the best for, and am very happy to talk to.

But yeah I'm a bit difficult to befriend, anon, and that's been an ongoing thing all my life, tbh. But it did specifically get worse in fandom because of some early fandom experiences when I started out in Rise of the Guardians fanfiction.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on fanfiction #tbh the idea of writing to make friends #is very strange and even a bit offputting to me #not that other people do it like i'm happy for them if they do #but it's just so far apart from why i started #i like making connections with my writing don't get me wrong #and i love meeting different people #but fandom was never a very social experience for me #to this day i hate discussing fandom headcanons with other people #and i don't like a lot of fandom meta #i always feel like i'm in fandom #and that i contribute to fandom #but in a very satellite / outsider kind of way #that's why i find it so easy to bounce from fandom to fandom once i'm done with a fic #i'm not saying i don't make friends with people in fandom ever #i'm saying i don't really make friends *in general*#and when i do those people often have no idea they are a friend because i'm not #very connected on a regular basis

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bluejaysandblackbats · 4 months

Text

Five Little Ducks

Fandom: DC Comics, Batman

Summary: Bruce finds a magically de-aged Jason.

Chapters: 5/13

Characters: Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Stephanie Brown, Duke Thomas, Zatanna Zatara

Additional Tags: De-Aged Jason Todd, Magic, Babysitting, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff and Angst, POV Third Person, Bruce Wayne is Not Okay, Bruce Wayne Tries, Jason Todd Has Issues, Childhood Trauma

Chapter Five: Borda

Jason knocked on Bruce's door at two in the morning. Bruce groaned, forgetting Jason was seven years old, and he answered the door. He was so exhausted he never thought to look down. "Mr. Wayne," Jason whispered, "I did a bad thing."

"Oh? What did you do?" Bruce questioned, still not opening his eyes.

"I threw up," Jason mumbled. Bruce blinked hard and looked down at Jason. Jason had a greenish pallor, and his eyes were red and puffy.

"You threw up... That's alright. Are you done?" Bruce questioned. He was still half-asleep.

"I threw up on the rug," Jason mumbled. Bruce reached for Jason's hand, and Jason flinched.

"I'm not gonna hit you. Do you wanna be picked up?" Bruce questioned. Jason rubbed his eyes and nodded. Bruce scooped him up and rubbed his back. "I'm sorry that you got sick."

"I can clean it up... I was just-. I-. I got scared that I'd get lost," Jason stammered.

"You don't have to do that," Bruce whispered. Bruce imagined Jason's eyes were puffy because he probably fretted over the mess, crying out of fear of punishment. "Accidents happen, Jason... Okay?" Jason hid his face in Bruce's shoulder as they entered the room. Bruce turned the light on to assess the situation, and he nodded. Sure, enough, there was a little clear puddle in the center of the rug.

"I'm sorry," Jason whimpered. Bruce held the back of Jason's head in his palm and put some bounce in his step as he walked to the hall closet to grab the cleaning supplies.

"It's alright... It's nothing little baking soda and seltzer can't fix," Bruce whispered, "Jason, I've gotta put you down now-."

"Just a little bit longer... Please," Jason whispered. Bruce nodded and bounced from one side to the other. It was so hard to remember that Jason wasn't a baby. He was so small and easy to hold onto. Easy to hold onto. Jason hadn't been easy to hold onto in years. For years they'd been caught up in a violent struggle of push and pull. It felt good just this once to be needed. "Nobody picks me up anymore..."

"Well, I'll pick you up anytime you want," Bruce promised, "I don't care how big you get... I'll always try-." His voice broke. Bruce was bombarded with images from Jason's death. He took a steadying breath, and after a few moments, Jason pulled away.

"You can put me down if you want... I'm tired now," Jason whispered. Bruce nodded and tucked Jason into bed. Then, he tended to the mess on the rug. Jason lay on his side, staring at Bruce. "Mr. Wayne... I really am sorry," Jason apologized again.

"It's alright... Do you feel better?" Bruce questioned. Jason nodded. "That's all that matters..."

"Is Dick your son too?" Jason asked. Bruce nodded. "Why did he go away?"

"He had to go home... He doesn't live here anymore," Bruce explained. Jason blinked hard.

"You live all by yourself?" Jason questioned. Bruce nodded. "Aren't you lonely?"

"Sometimes," Bruce answered as he finished cleaning up. "I'll be right back." He put everything where it belonged and returned to Jason's room.

Jason waved at Bruce. "My dad told me a scary story the other night because he was mad at me... He said his dad told him the same story," Jason whispered.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Bruce questioned. Jason nodded.

"My mommy says if something's scary, sometimes you have to tell the story to someone else so that it won't worry me anymore," Jason explained.

"Alright," Bruce replied.

"Can you turn the light on first?" Jason asked. Bruce nodded and turned on the lamp with a remote. "If it's foggy, I'm not supposed to walk to school unless he's with me... But I went anyway because it was library day. So, when he got home from work, I wasn't there. He grabbed and shook me, and I wanted to cry, but I didn't." Bruce nodded.

"Did he take you to school?" Bruce asked. Jason shook his head.

"He told me kids shouldn't go out in the fog without their mommies and daddies because of the Borda. Do you know what that is?" Jason questioned. Bruce shook his head. "She's a scary witch with a blindfold that kills kids with ropes for going where they're not supposed to." Bruce nodded.

"Were you upset when he told you that?" Bruce questioned. Jason nodded.

"But he didn't stay mad... I told him I was sorry, and he took me home. We played the lock game, and he got his money back from our neighbor," Jason replied.

"What's the lock game?" Bruce asked.

"We played it in our building... Sometimes he'd forget things in people's apartments, so he showed me how to unlock doors with different stuff, so we don't have to bother anybody," Jason explained, "I can unlock a door in less than a minute."

It took everything in Bruce's power to hold a straight face. He was furious. How could Willis trick a child as sweet and innocent as that into breaking and entering into apartments? And Jason was none the wiser. "What's the matter?" Jason questioned. Bruce shook his head. He knew Jason had to learn to steal from someone, but he had no idea this was how it all started.

"Did you play any other games with Willis?" Bruce replied.

"Um... The police game. Mommy didn't like that one," Jason replied, "I had to sit in the car when he'd go shopping and honk the horn when I saw police. I have to smile and wave at the police, and if they stop and wave at me, I win."

Bruce swallowed hard. "You don't play checkers or anything like that with him?" Bruce questioned.

"Oh," Jason yawned, "Sometimes he'd play the drums on my stomach while dinner cooked... I like that one. It's my favorite."

Bruce made a soft noise as Jason closed his eyes. "Any other games?" Bruce asked.

"It wasn't a game, but when he reads-. When he used to read the paper, he would let me hold one side while he held the other... I liked it because he always gave me a kiss instead of telling me to turn the page," Jason replied. Bruce kissed Jason's forehead.

"Thank you for sharing your stories with me," Bruce whispered.

"Thank you for holding me," Jason mumbled. Bruce tried not to seem sad, but he couldn't help but feel pain in the pit of his stomach. Willis's love for Jason was there, but it was selfish. Jason accepted that as it was. Jason accepted scraps of love when he deserved much more. Jason deserved the world, and even Bruce failed to give that to him.

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sowthetide · 3 months

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I devoured this story and almost immediately started rereading it, so I thought that I should thank you for my favorite parts.

1) Fleshing out the Iron Islands! It is so, so boring when Theon has to choose between his noble foster home and his horrible natural family. Getting to see the Ironborn not so much for their good points as their reality has been a delight.

2) Quen! I love her. She is very much Theon, just with different opportunities. I find that the fandom tends to underrate Theon's strengths, which is understandable given his crash-and-burn storyline and because the show really makes him the butt of the joke, but I find it easy to understand why Robb is in love with her in your story.

3) On that note, their relationship is really wonderful. They are very convincing best friend; they know each other probably best in the world and they just enjoy each other so much. But the love story isn't too saccharine, as both of them (yes, including Robb) hurt each other sometimes, on purpose and by accident.

I also enjoy how the way they treat each other romantically is so different from their rapport with everyone else. Quen will check out anyone hot and fun, but her love for Robb only turns romantic over the course of the main storyline (for the best, given the age difference; no need to take after Unvle Euron). Robb is saving himself for marriage, but he has probably been marinating in hormones and yearning since he was twelve. And the poor boy has no one to talk to about it, while the love of his life is merrily taking randoms to bed (unless...Jon? We haven't seen much of him in this story, because Quen doesn't care, but did tweenage Jon notice Robb looking at Quen's legs?).

4) The potential in-law dynamics! You develop Quen's relationships with her family so much that it actually startled me to realize that Robb hasn't met any of them. Frankly, it is his turn to suffer. Quen has been living with Catelyn for a long time already. I am extremely eager to see him Asha, but Dagmar even more so. That's basically his wife's dad, but does Robb know that? And once they are all living together, he is short of a father now. Dagmar is so different from Ned, who is really *the* model of a man and a father for Robb, that their interactions have to be interesting. Plus, your story has really made Alannys a real woman, that I really look forward to having her bounce off new people. Like I said, it's Robb's turn to be uncomfortable with his mother-in-law!

In short: fantastic, I love it, thank you for continuing!

You're so incredibly kind ❤️ I'm glad you've enjoyed this story!!

#1: I LOVED getting to flesh out the Iron Islands. I have a similar dislike of "Starks = good, Greyjoys = bad" Theon stories, where Theon would never have been accepted on the Iron Islands or had a good life, which is just ridiculous. I think it's a lot more interesting if Quen had the option for a happy on the isles, either with Alannys at Ten Towers, or as Lady of Hammerhorn with Greydon Goodbrother. That way, it's a hard decision that she has to make, and it ends up being a bizarre combination of "selfish/selfless" ("selfish" for the impact her northern ambitions/loyalties will have on her mother, "selfless" for the personal sacrifice she's making to secure a better future for the ironborn).

I've really tried to be fair to the ironborn, as GRRM's writing of them left a lot to be desired IMO (basically vikings, except with all of their interesting, non-violent cultural aspects stripped away). We get to see some of the northern lords' individual personalities, but the ironborn lords in canon just seem to go along with whatever Balon/Euron decides, which is, quite honestly, lame. So it was a ton of fun to explore a bunch of different ironborn characters and locations.

To me, the ironborn are not uniquely evil/brutal, but chapter 38 will make it clear that they're definitely not nice, either. In the same way, I'm trying to avoid portraying the north as straightforwardly "The Good Guys". I think the Starks as individuals are well-meaning, but war always means devastation and I don't think the smallfolk who have been brutalized give two shits about getting justice for some random northern guy that got beheaded (sorry Ned).

#2: I love her too ❤️ I really tried to keep as many elements of Theon's core personality as possible, whilst also balancing the inherently transformative nature of genderbending. Being born a different sex in a world like Westeros changes so much about that character's experiences that I really had to reflect on who Theon would be within the experience/expectations of manhood.

Fandom also really does underrate Theon's strengths (which is, as you say, veryyy understandable given his complete flop of a storyline in ACOK). But he does have strengths! Like Theon, Quen is (somewhat) clever, ingratiating, funny, bold, inventive, ambitious, etc. I can't remember who described Theon as "hungry to live", but I think that's the perfect description of him/Quen as we see them starting in AGOT.

#3: Anything with Robb & Quen were always some of my favorite scenes to write. It was important to me that they be friends first, and that Robb really had his own arc where he came to understand the power imbalances at play in their relationship. There's such an ease and a comfortability to their relationship that they both desperately need(ed), and that will return in the late-game of this fic.

I also thought it was important to portray Robb as someone who has significant and noticeable flaws. Quen's flaws are pretty apparent (to say the least), but Robb also has a tendency to lash out, to take loyalties/forgiveness for granted, to bottle up his feelings, to disappear into his responsibilities to avoid difficult emotions/circumstances (as we'll see in chapter 39).

For Quen, sexual feelings are easy and of no consequence. Romantic feelings (specifically for Robb) on the other hand... well... Let's just say that Robb has had some ten years to come to terms with his feelings, but it's still very new to Quen. She went down the Romantic -> Sexual -> Oh Fuck I'm In Love With Him pipeline at break-neck speeds.

Unfortunately, I'll have to keep my silence on Jon (as he will have a Part To Play), just know that we'll see more of him later on ;-)

#4: TeaInABowl has me FERAL about the potential of a Greyjoy-Harlaw-Stark family sit-down. I don't wanna spoil things, but there will be some intersection of Quen's northern and ironborn relationships in chapter 40, just not in a particularly fun context (but it's not as ominous as I'm making it sound). There will probably also be a real ironborn-northman sitdown later on, and I'm sooo excited about it.

Alannys hates Robb's ass for real (and I imagine her and Catelyn get along like oil and water too), but I think Asha and Robb would at least be united in Wanting Quen To Be Happy. Asha's not necessarily happy about it herself, but she'll have to make her peace with it. Again, I don't wanna spoil, but I imagine Dagmer as joining Quen's household at Winterfell in the eventual happy ending. That's her dad!!! And, like Asha, I think he would have a lot of guilt/anger for leaving Quen alone at Winterfell in the first place.

Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a wonderful ask!!! Chapters 38 and 39 are done (pending beta-ing, yippee!), and I'll be cranking out the rough drafts for chapters 40 and 41 over the next two weeks. All goes well, I should be back March 10th with at least 4 weeks of chapters for y'all!

#ask #unfortch i will be pretty busy these next few days catching up on school work. i've got stuff due sunday that i have NAWT even started #then it's back to the chapter 40 trenches 🫡#i love this fic and i love you guys <3 <3 <3

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plague-of-nice · 3 years

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2, 4, 7, 10, 12, and 16 for the Bad Boy F/O Asks? :)

[ ask game ] Hi, Natlyia! Thank you so much for the asks <3 I'll answer for the secret F/O I've been keeping for a while... Balthazar (mostly bc He's the only truly bad boy F/O I have, and I figured this specific ask game would suit him.)

My answers got long, by the way, which is why I opted to put everything under the cut.

2) What was the hardest part of forming the relationship?

The realization of getting the hots (pun intended) for a fallen god of war and fire...the one who once swore to reduce the world to ashes in his crusade for revenge, was the first and significantly difficult step on my s/i, Jonah's, behalf. There's very obviously lots to unpack thanks the catastrophic destruction Balthazar has already caused, which was then also very abruptly halted just because she came into the picture. No normal mortal would ever be prepared to shoulder that kind of baggage.

It had its rocky beginnings, especially from the struggle to realize what exactly their relationship was and what Balthazar's true intentions were with her, but things somehow work out in the long run. All it really took was the vengeful god getting harshly humbled, and perhaps a foolishly open-minded mortal sticking by him and picking him up from his slump.

4) How easy was it for them to admit that they love you?

It took a good long while and it's not a huge surprise considering Balthazar's entire character.

He used to pour his attention to the mortal that interested him in rigid ways early on, only treating her as a vessel that empowers him. But after a good while of having to act, and being treated, as her equal while they travelled in hiding together, he would eventually find himself feeling and thinking things he never really had before. And surprisingly, he's very blunt about it with Jonah.

7) Do you keep the relationship mostly private out of fear or for other reasons?

In character/universe, both Jonah and Balthazar went into hiding and laid low all thanks to the aforementioned destruction caused. That's never easy to bounce back from, but the fallen god will give back to the world by helping out with the bigger threat, an Elder Dragon. (Which is...quite ironic considering that was the same dragon he once wanted to leech magical power from.)

Out of character, I was (and still am) quite afraid to be honest about the fact that I like this character. He is commonly detested and dismissed in the fandom for his character, and he's also widely outshined by the charming antagonist that came right after him.

10) Have they changed for the better since they met you? Have you changed for the worst since you met them?

He changes for the better, much to the surprise of many. He still retains a good chunk of his knack for violence and he's still prone to act brashly with his short temper, but he mostly drops his destructive ambitions for the world and chooses to become content with what (or to be more accurate, with who) he has.

12) Were you actually attracted to their behaviour? Or was it other things?

Partially, yes. I liked his character in a general sense, how unwaveringly uncaring he was, and how big of a bastard he turned out to be when he was supposedly revered as a "righteous bastion" kind of god.

I also completely fell the moment I started to project the qualities my Ultimate F/O, Jane, into Balthazar.

16) Are your friends supportive or mostly worried about you in this relationship?

Ultimately supportive!

There was room for critique both narratively and IRL, but honestly I'm just very relieved nothing too bad has happened thanks to having a character like Balthazar as an F/O.

In-universe, it's hard to tell, even after his first big step to redemption. The people who knew Balthazar and what he did in the past as a vengeful god are certainly more worried and scared. There's a long road ahead of him to become better, but he's willing to try now that he has someone to support him through it.

#joie answers #thank you again Natlyia!!#ive never felt 'i am cringe but I am free' as hard as I do now #im honeslty super happy just getting to talk about [Redacted]

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dottie-wan-kenobi · 5 years

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Hello!!! I've never done this before so I hope I'm doing it right lol. I was wondering if I could request forced out of the closet + titans!dick grayson?

You’re doing just fine!! Thank you so much for this prompt, I was really excited to do it and I hope I’ve done it justice. Also I hope you don’t mind I added some past Dick/Joey and kind of maybe bash Donna, Hank, and Dawn a little itty bitty bit. kdfhjdhjakshkj. just to be clear, there is no cheating in this fic, but Dawn uses that stereotype to her advantage :x

written for the @badthingshappenbingo square “forced out of the closet”. x’s are finished, asterisks are requested, and the last two are free! many thanks to @whateverrrrwhatever for betaing even tho she isn’t even in this fandom

—-

“How fucking long have you been lying to us, exactly?” Hank demands, fury emanating off him in waves.

I wasn’t! He wants to shout back, I wasn’t lying! But in order to do that, Dick would have to lift his head out of his hands, stand up from where he’s sitting on the second level, and meet Hank’s eyes. Or anyone’s eyes, really. They’re all here, the old Titans and the new ones and Rose fucking Wilson. The only way this could possibly be any worse is if Bruce were here, too, but thank god, Dick isn’t that unlucky.

“It can’t be true,” Donna says, but she sounds unsure. She’s doubting him and not even trying to hide it. That’s never happened before. “Dick, tell us what he said wasn’t true.”

“So what if it was?” And that’s Rachel, defensive on his behalf. “I don’t understand why you’re all so upset if Dick’s bi—”

He doesn’t hear the rest of what she says, his heart pounding in his ears. They all know now, and he wasn’t the one to tell them, didn’t get to decide who or when or how. Slade just broadcast it out for all of them to hear and make with what they will, and of course, it’s nothing good. There’s a reason, he thinks, that he’s never told any of them. Not Kory, who he thinks he could trust with anything, or the kids, who so desperately want to know and connect with the real him. Not even Donna, who’s always been his best friend.

“He’s been lying to us, Rach,” Dawn says, and her voice is so soft and so steely, the way it always gets when she’s angry. And she has reason to be, he knows that, but it still hurts. “He lied to us about what happened with Jericho, and that’s—that’s not just something we can walk away from.”

“No,” Hank agrees, worked up. “No, it’s not.”

“He was just lying about a relationship! What’s so wrong with that?” Gar asks. His arms are probably crossed, but Dick doesn’t want to look up to see.

“Nothing,” Kory says, but her voice gets overpowered by Dawn’s.

“How about the fact that he was in relationship with me already?” Dawn shoots back. Dick thinks about how they broke up days before Garth’s death, and were just playing at being together until after his birthday, to avoid ruining it for him. Afterward, they never spoke about it, drifting away from each other, grief and revenge more important than anything else. It wasn’t until after Joey died that they finally, officially ended. “If he could lie about that, then he could be lying about anything. About everything .”

“Dick…,” Donna says, and she’s closer now, but not close enough not close enough to touch him, which is the last thing he wants. “Tell us it’s not true.”

Everyone is staring at him, he can tell. He can feel it: the weight of their gazes and confusion and anger. Dick lifts his head finally, and his eyes feel heavy and hot. No tears fall. He has to be strong here, can’t let it show any more than he already is how much this situation fucking sucks.

“It is,” he rasps, clearing his throat once the words are out.

Donna jerks back like she’s been slapped.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he thinks. Coming out is supposed to be private. Personal. Safe. It’s supposed to be him sitting these people down and saying he loves people no matter what gender they are, and these people loving and supporting him no matter what. Instead, Slade hacked their speaker system and gladly outed him.

There’s no love and support in the room right now.

He has to pull himself together, needs them to understand. Stronger, he says, “It is true. Joey and I were together.”

Jason’s gaze is bouncing between everyone in the room, and Dick wonders how much the kid is going to hate him now. And Rose, she’s tense and ready to fight him, and he can see that it won’t take much to set her off. The others are still staring at him, the older Titans coiling with hurt, the newer ones just confused.

“Was it worth it?” Hank asks, breaking the silence. “Was he that good of a lay that you had to betray us?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Dick stands, trying to ignore how tight his chest feels. He’s finding it more difficult than usual to pretend he’s perfectly fine. Convincing himself means he can convince the others. Right now, no one is fooled. “I didn’t betray you.”

“Really? ‘Cause it sounds like you were cheating on Dawn, fucking the enemy, and lying about it for five years!” Donna explodes. “Sounds like fucking betrayal to me!”

“Joey wasn’t our enemy—!”

“How do we know you weren’t feeding him information the whole time?” Dawn interrupts, and Dick freezes, shocked by the accusation. “Were you telling him our secrets so he could go and tell Slade everything, and help him get under our skin, in our heads?”

“No! How could you even think that?”

Ignoring his words, Donna asks, “How long were you and Joey even together?”

“Not that long,” he admits, fists clenching by his sides. “It only started once he came to live here.”

“Live-in double agent,” Hank says wryly. “How convenient.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Dick protests.

“Then how was it?” Rose demands, stomping forward. “How exactly was it? You were using and manipulating my brother for information and for sex? What a stand up guy you are.” For all her tone is bone-dry, he can see tears threatening to spill from her eye.

Dick thinks about Joey’s smile. His eyelashes. How he pulled away from every kiss grinning, like it was a dream come true. The meals they ate together, and how Joey spent whole afternoons trying to teach him a few phrases in ASL, and only laughed a little, kindly, when Dick messed up. How he’d told Dick he was fine keeping their relationship on the down low, that he understood Dick wasn’t out yet and wouldn’t push. What he looked like, lying dead on the ground, killed trying to protect Dick, who’d fucked up every step of the way.

It was real, he wants to say. I had nightmares for months afterward, and even now it hurts to think about him. There’s a reason I never told any of you, and it’s not just because I wasn’t sure how you’d react.

But it wasn’t real. Not fully, anyway. For every sincere moment, there were two more where Dick was doing what the others wanted him to do—becoming Batman, using Joey to their advantage. For every time he thought it was wrong to treat Joey that way, he never put a stop to it. It was easy to get lost in Joey, in exploring feelings Dick had never—and has never, ever since—let himself know. Their relationship had felt safe, in a way. Even with all the subterfuge, Joey knew about Robin, and he’d never worried about it. Dick had felt free for the short time they had been together.

It was real, but it wasn’t.

“It’s complicated,” he says finally. Rose won’t like it, but how can he explain it all? How can he explain that he hadn’t wanted things with Joey to get serious, hadn’t wanted him to die, hadn’t been able to even think about telling anyone about his sexuality without an avalanche of grief and guilt burying him? “I—I wasn’t trying to hurt him.”

Joey’s smile, his eyelashes, his kindness. He was like the sun peeking over the horizon. He deserved better than Dick.

Dawn and Donna both scoff. Hank says, “You’re fucking pathetic. Not trying to hurt him got him killed. Great fucking job, asshole.”

Kory steps up beside Dick, a hand coming up to rest on his shoulder. It’s like an anchor, stabilizing, and something he desperately needs right now. Her thumb makes a slow, calming circle as she turns on the others. “Yelling at him isn’t going to help shit. Why don’t you all go do your jobs and figure out if this Slade guy hacked us remotely, or if he’s here and we need to suit up?”

“Oh, he’s probably here,” Rose says through gritted teeth. “And I’m going to fucking kill him.”

She heads towards the elevators, and Donna follows, fists clenched. At Kory’s raised eyebrow, Hank and Dawn leave too. The kids move toward them, like they’re closing ranks. Gar’s biting his lip nervously. Rachel has her arms crossed over her stomach and Jason looks lost in thought.

Without the older Titans, the mood of the room feels lighter, but Dick finds that isn’t a good thing. Like he’s a puppet with his strings cut, he falls back onto the step, his skin crawling.

Kory sits next to him, her hand going down to rest on his back. Softly, she asks, “Are you okay?”

He wonders if Jason’s going to tell Bruce. Wonders if Donna, Hank, and Dawn will ever forgive him. Hopes Rachel and Gar don’t hate him now. Hates how much her kindness right now only reminds him of Joey.

With a deep sigh, he says, “I’ll be fine.”

----

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fandom-collective-writers · 5 years

Text

Ieyasu x Reader

Title: "Better than Curry"

Fandom: Ikemen Sengoku

Character: Ieyasu Tokugawa

Genre: Modern AU

Warnings: Smut

Written by: @rikumorimachisgirl

A/N: His PoV

Other notes: Hope you like this, Anon!

Word count: 2,047

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I came home to an empty apartment a little past nine in the evening. Except for the pin lights by the door and at the corner of the living room where Wasabi's bed is set up, the whole place was dark.

'That's odd, ' I thought as I walked inside the quiet apartment I shared with my girlfriend. Usually, she would be sprawled on the couch munching on chips while reading one of her mangas or watching another one of those popular samurai dramas she's so crazy about. Whenever I'd come home, no matter how late it was, she'd be here - she'd just be here waiting - and then she'd take off like a madwoman and hold me like I was some prodigal child who had just returned after decades or something. I ran my fingers along with the backrest of the vacant couch and thought about how she would force me to sit beside her and listen to her go on and on about how her day went, despite knowing that I had also come home from a long day at the lab. I found myself smiling wryly at the memory of how pouty I usually was five minutes into her story. 'What the heck is wrong with me, ' I asked myself. Maybe I'm just hungry.

I moved to the kitchen, and gazed at the matching dinnerware she insisted on buying for us when we had first moved in together. I then wondered when we had last shared a meal together. Lately, I've been neck-deep in research on the new anti-Cancer drug that my boss has invested in, and my work hours have been longer than usual. 'She, on the other hand…'. Before I was able to complete that thought, my stomach growled loudly, Wasabi, who had just approached to greet me, scampered off. Sighing, I looked at the cupboard and fridge for the ingredients I needed to make nice, home-cooked curry rice. Surely, it couldn't be that hard - I had all the ingredients, so I'm just gonna mix them all up like she usually does. 'Easy peasy, ' I thought as I rolled up my sleeves and proceeded to cook.

Twenty minutes later, the fire alarm went off, and I heard someone hurry inside the apartment.

"Oh my God, Ieyasu!" My girlfriend called out to me with panic written all over her pretty face. "What happened here?"

"Nothing. " I shrugged, as I turned off the stove. "The fire alarm is so dramatic. I hardly burned the -"

"Are you crazy? There's smoke everywhere! Did you even turn the exhaust on?"

Ugh. Too many questions! I shot my girlfriend a sidelong glance to let her know she's yapping too much. She hasn't stopped talking and moving about, which is strange. She usually picks up my non-verbal cues pretty easily.

"Ieyasu!"

Her voice startled me, and I staggered back a little bit when I saw her staring at me up close. Immediately, I straightened up and looked at her smugly. "You're too loud."

"I'm sorry, but you weren't responding when I called out to you. I was offering to cook. You want to eat curry, right?"Judging by her clipped tone, I knew she was trying her best not to lose her cool. I also knew that in these instances, I should just keep quiet and let her be, but for some reason, I couldn't help but mutter, "It's about time" under my breath.

I sat by the counter and pretended to check my emails on my mobile while she busied herself in the kitchen. Despite having been together for over a year, I still couldn't bring myself to tell her that every little thing she does makes me happy - from caring for Wasabi to preparing packed lunches and making sure my clothes were freshly laundered and pressed every day.

As I watched her chop the potatoes she was going to use for my meal, I couldn't help but notice that something was amiss, and I quietly observed her find out what it was. Just as I was trying to figure out what was wrong, Wasabi calmly walked over to her and bumped her nose behind my busy girlfriend's leg.

"Oh, hello Wasabi, " she said, as she placed the knife on the chopping board and turned her attention to the sweet little deer behind her. "Have you eaten? I'm sorry I can't hang out with you yet…"

When she spoke, I realized it was the sound of her sweet voice that was missing the whole time. My girlfriend is a chatterbox - she always has a story to tell or something ridiculous to ask - but right now, her silence was unsettling. There were so many questions I wanted to ask - are you okay? Is there a problem? What's bothering you? Why don't you talk to me about it?

"Why'd you come home so late?" I decided to ask.

She stopped petting Wasabi, and I saw her waver for a bit before she met my gaze. She gave me a small smile, but I could see past that.

"Well?"

I saw her shoulders drop and knew something was wrong. She sighed. "Remember the promotion I applied for last month? Well, my boss told me I wasn't ready for it and gave it to someone else."

I never hated myself so much for not noticing sooner. My girlfriend - the love of my life - was feeling down, and there I was waiting for her to cook dinner for me. I'm such a jerk!

I rose from my seat and walked over to her and took her hand in mine. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's alright." She squeezed my hand and tried to put on a brave face. "Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm not ready for it…"

"Don't be too hard on yourself -"

"I wanted to move up so badly because I want you to be proud of me, " she said, as a stray tear fell down her cheek.

But she may have as well hit me in the gut. I stared at her, speechless for a couple of seconds before I held her in my arms. "What are you talking about? I'm proud of you, " I whispered to her hair as I held her close. "I'm always proud of you."

Dammit, how could she not know how proud I am? I wanted to shake her back to her senses so badly, but when I looked at her, I saw her staring back at me with so much longing in her eyes, I knew I had to do something. Fast.

I held her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Listen to me, Princess, " I racked my brains to find the right words to say, and she held her breath. "I love you. You have no idea how good you make me feel…"

And that was the last thing I said before I cupped her face with my hands and claimed her mouth. I heard her gasp in surprise but didn't protest. When I felt her kiss me back, I decided to take it a step further and plunged my tongue into her mouth, probing and playing with hers. She responded in kind, and I walked us out of the kitchen, occasionally breaking our kiss to come up for air. I took her coat off and tossed it aside, and my fingers fumbled on the buttons of her blouse, as I tried to make quick work of it. I heard her giggle, and felt her hand over mine, as she helped me take the offending item off her without having to tear it apart.

I palmed her breasts and removed my mouth from hers so I could suck on her perfectly pink buds. I started with her right nipple, licking and sucking greedily until she moaned and bucked against me. I felt her hands rake through my hair, coaxing me to give her other nipple equal attention.

"Do you like that?"

"Yes, " she moaned, pulling my head closer to her breasts. "Baby don't stop…"

The back of her legs hit the couch and I carefully set her on it. "Just sit back, " I whispered before I knelt in front of her and guided her legs over my shoulders and nestled between them. The scent of her arousal called to me, and I didn't have to guess to figure out how wet she was. From this position, I could see her staring at me wide-eyed, her cheeks flushed and her hair slightly messy.

"Ieyas-"

Before she had a chance to finish what she was going to say, I pulled her panties aside and ran my tongue along her wet slit. After hearing her moan, I gently parted her folds and continued to lick her wetness. I felt her hands on my hair as she rocked her hips against my tongue, eager to get off.

"There, baby… right there, " I heard her say as I slowly trailed my tongue over her clit, looking at her as she threw her head back with her eyes closed, shamelessly rubbing her pussy on my face as she palmed her breasts, and pinched her nipples. "Ieyasu, please… I want… harder - more…"

"Are you close, Princess?" I asked in between French kissing her lower lips.

"Almost, baby… I'm -"

Without warning, I slipped my tongue inside her and ran my thumb over her clit. Her eyes flew wide open, and her toes curled as she let out a loud moan and I lapped on her juices as she continued to ride her orgasm.

As soon as she came down from her high, I sat back and admired her. My sweet girl looked flushed. Half-naked with her skirt pushed up, her undies still on, and the sheen of sweat on her lithe body, she looked a hundred times sexier than ever. I was aware of my arousal building up and my cock becoming hard under my trousers at the sight of my love looking so uninhibited.

"That was fantastic, " she said, still catching her breath.

I moved up and cupped the back of her neck with my hand. "You taste fantastic, " I said and kissed her hard once again, slipping my tongue in her mouth so she could taste her essence. When she sucked on my tongue and unzipped my trousers, I knew I was done for.

"Ieyasu, please…"

She didn't have to beg me a second time. My cock sprang to life as soon as I tugged my pants down. Tearing off her panties, I lifted her and positioned her on top of my throbbing member. She eagerly lowered herself on me, taking all of me in one swift motion.

"You're so wet, " I moaned.

"You're so big, " she responded before capturing my lips in a deep kiss. I placed my hands on her pelvis and guided her as she bounced up and down the length of my cock, slowly at first and then gradually increasing our pace. For a while, the only sounds we heard were the slapping of our skin against each other and our breathless moans.

She was close, I could tell. And I was close to spilling, too. We've never done it bare before, so I knew I had to pull out, but she made no move to stop.

"Princess, " I said, trying to catch my breath. "I'm close. I need to pull out -"

"No, " she said, grinding her hips against me, "I want you to cum inside me. Please…"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, " she said, before throwing her head back as she hit her orgasm. "Yes, yes, yes…"

I felt her clamp around my cock, and I followed shortly after, grunting as I shot my seed deep inside her.

As she came down from her high, she slumped against my chest and smiled. "Baby, " she said, as she peered at my face sleepily. "Sorry about dinner."

I laughed and kissed her lips lightly. "Doesn't matter, " I said, holding her tightly. "I had something much better than curry."

End.

#ikemen sengoku fanfic #ikesen fanfic #ikesen ieyasu #ieyasu x reader

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