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wanted: marine hunter takanome mihawk

not over how if you go to the flame wof tag im not in the top blogs . like what do you mean tumblr WHAT . i have like ten billion posts of flame . i drew him every day for THIRTY DAYS STRAIGHT . i am his #1 fan . i AM HIM . do not do me like this tumblr i guarantee you i post about him more than anyone else on this app

Randomly got a super vivid vision of someone I know being turned into a chicken and someone I love who cares deeply for that person not knowing and cooking the now chicken and then bringing it to me to eat. And me somehow knowing what happened. And the fucking AGONY. I was in public when it happened and I wanted to scream-- strangers looking on in horror and confusion be damned. I didn't, but it was a damn close call. It was horrific. Something truly strange. It wasn't just the scene itself. There was some unattainable metaphor about it. And the sensation of losing control-- slipping into psychosis and anxious meltdown just *snap* like that. I wondered how long it had really been since I had smoked-- and so went out away from people for one since I didn't want to exhale in anyone's face. The moment I took a half-hearted hit, the buzz hit me like a freight train. As if I've never smoked before. It wasn't enough, so I took a few more, and the relaxation/anxiety relief/diminishing of psychotic symptoms was near immediate. I had taken so little today that I genuinely had to sit down and lay back so I wouldn't fall over, I was proper light headed. But God, I felt normal again. I felt like I could push that visual and all the obsessive and paranoid thoughts about it away with enough effort when before it seemed insurmountable, true doom.

Sometimes, I wonder if I really do have a psychotic disorder. But then I forget to medicate and whoop dee doo here we go again motherfucker. I wasn't even really stressed today. This whole week has been atypically great, actually. But stressed or not, stable or not, I know I need to keep a steady dose of nicotine (which, yes, works as an anti-psychotic, as well as anti-anxiety. Look it up. Or don't. Idc.) There is nothing more scary than suddenly losing control of something as mind altering as psychosis with no trigger, no prompting, especially around other people. Nothing HAPPENED. Everything was GOOD, I was having a GOOD TIME and smiling and laughing one second and the next I'm freaking out white-knuckling the table and begging whatever this is to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.

so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh

the fallen soldier (high-res version on twitter)

dream: i have learned something today. perhaps humanity is not so bad after--

hob: hey look! cheez whiz! how neat! :D

dream: ..... it is time we had The Flood 2.0 and started over from scratch

starting the year ✨wrong✨

according to my phone data, i've walked 12.4 miles over the past seven days :D

Literally so hyped to get miss yucky nasty... I am going to learn SO many skills

every time i think about this border and customs thing ive got to deal with on friday my stomach flips and i feel like im gonna pass out. whoof.

“Hey I wanted to say __ but I didn’t want to stress you out (again.)”

“Hey no stress! All good!”

“…well GOOD because I have been stressing myself about that for (months) awhile. But if it’s all good it’s all good. (I can tell my anxiety to shadduuuup about it if I know that directly.)”

[continues to resist the urge to send bird and cat memes and music covers]

(Wait until y’all actually feel comfortable talking without that Wall of social anxiety specifically around eachother, Tiger. Don’t abuse the dms. Patience. You at least know he won’t run away from you again. He showed up to your party and wore the bandana you threw at him playfully, and apparently did pay attention to what patterns you wear on your nicer clothes despite him getting more avoidant than ever when you do. Tell the dopamine to CHILL and BREATHE. Ya know. Like ya promised.)

i feel physically ill whenever i have to defend my opinion

some positives about working for the catholics i've noticed in my three-ish months:

they put their money where their mouth is re: being "pro-life" -- as in they invest a lot into family support and are the only place around here i know of that has full-pay maternity leave + they will help cover costs if you decide to adopt (up to 15k iirc).

at least own the fact that they're doing christmas. a lot of companies make the most lackluster effort toward being "inclusive" by doing christmas but being like "whaaaat? nooo this is just our winter holiday celebration". but they don't do anything for any other holidays. they close on christmas day and that's it. catholics? they're like. yeah we're catholic. we're doing christmas. come get drunk with us and then take a week off work. i love that.

this one is so insignificant but they let me tweak the user settings on my company laptop. at the library i couldn't even change the fucking mouse speed. the catholics will let me do whatever i want to this laptop, including turning off all the shit i don't like. i love that. i'm so particular about my computers and i appreciate the trust put in me in that regard .

.

I don't think that like...knowing I can write thousands of words in one night has ever really set me up for academic success, but having that skill does. help.

also just want to say, if you had asked me three months ago, hey Kasper how will you respond to being given full details of a final project rolled out over the course of a month with the final piece of information necessary to complete the project given 3 weeks before the deadline? I would simply say, no problem I would not begin the project until then anyway. NO. I WOULDN'T. WHY? BECAUSE I NEED TO HAVE A FINAL PROJECT GESTATION PERIOD. THE DETAILS OF THE FINAL PROJECT NEED TO GESTATE. IN THE BACK OF MY BRAIN FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. I wouldn't start writing until three weeks or less before the deadline, but I would have been forming loose concepts and thinking about connective tissue for weeks before starting research or even sitting down and committing any of those thoughts to paper. No I would not have been writing but I would have been gestating a little final project baby in my brain for several weeks prior! Now I've had to gestate the final project and birth it in three weeks and friends, I am an elephant who needs two years.

So many Sovereignstuck blogs… All prior to release!! We will try our best to not let you guys down!! Thank you all for believing in us!!