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wosoluver · 2 months

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To undo a mistake

Part 6/17 - previous - next

Lena x Bayern Player!reader

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Around three weeks later.

You had been the last one to arrive at camp. Along with Klara, Syd, Giulia and Lea.

You were greeted by every one with hugs. You were there for the first game of Euro's 2025 qualifying.

Everyone was so excited. Including you. So when Lena came up to greet you with a hug, you barely paid any mind to the action. Until she said something.

"Hey. How are you?"

"Good, really." - And you weren't lying. The last couple of weeks had been good. You were keeping yourself busy with the team, training, therapy twice a week and spending time with friends. And by friends you meant Ana.

Before you could say anything else, the started dividing you guys into two to share the rooms. You tried sticking to Syd, she had already grabbed Lea by the arm.

And the only ones left without a partner was you, and Lena.

Once noticing that Lea offered to switch places with you.

"It's fine. Thanks."

Everyone tried to pretend the weren't paying attention. And that they weren't surprised by how you were acting.

Lena included. She was glad though. That you no longer felt so repulsed by her presence.

You both follow up to the room to settle in and leave your bags before heading to training.

"I thought you hated me. I was scared I wouldn't have the chance of talking to you again."

"I don't hate you. I hate the situation we were in. And the way you handled things.

But I think I deserved to move on." - you said. And the first thing you did before anything else once you went in, was texting Ana you had arrived safely.

Next you changed and made your way down. Without waiting on Lena.

Not that she was expecting you to. But still, it hurt a little.

By the end of the day you could only think of dinner and bed. And you did both on that exact same order.

You were laying in bed, when you picked up Guzmán's call.

"Hey! How was the day?"

"Good, so busy. And unfortunately I ended up having to share the room with Lena."

"Don't drive yourself crazy about that. Am sure you'll be fine."

"She hugged me when I got here! She had the audacity to! Thank god I think I escaped from. She must be in Lea and Syd's room."

"Congratulations on making through the first day!" She said joking around.

"Only so many more to go. I'll let you know if I leave in the middle of the night to go home." - You said it, only half joking.

-"You have to rest for tomorrow. Goodnight. I'll talk to you later."

"Goodnight." - You said hanging up, and not long after you fell asleep.

When Lena was back, she noticed you asleep, trying her best not to wake you. You had always been the lightest sleeper.

She laid in bed thinking back on how the day was, and what was to come. Glad you were at least on speaking terms. Even if it was just the bare minimum.

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

Friday arrived and you were having breakfast. You were an absolute nerve wreck. You were seating next to Klara. You were all having light conversations.

You received a notification on your phone, that was casually on the table.

"Let me guess. Ana?" - She asked you.

"Yeah, just wishing us good luck."

Little did you know, Lena was watching this very closely. She immediately turned to Lea.

"Who's Ana?"

"What?" - Lea was confused by the sudden question.

"Is Y/N friends with anyone named Ana?"

"Ah yes, Guzmán. She's recently signed with the team."

"And they're friends?"

"Yeah. Ana didn't really connect much with the rest of the team. So they're always together." - Lea said the last part absentmindedly.

Lena was burning inside. She knew she had no right to. And even though her friend had told her they were just friends, she couldn't be sure of that.

Looking over to you once again, you had a big smile on your face.

As you guys made your way to the stadium, Lena had a lot in her mind. Trying to keep calm.

Unfortunately you were starting on the bench today. But you were okay with it. You knew if they needed you, they would put you on.

Getting ready for the match and making your way to the pitch, as they played the national anthems, you and Lena shared one last look, before they had to make it to their spots.

The referee blew the whistle and the game started.

You were worried watching how the first minutes had gone, and when the clock hit the 8:15 mark, Doorsoun made a bad attempt at passing the ball, and lost it to Campbell, Hendrich tried, but the two defenders couldn't stop her, neither could Frohms. And Austria scored the first goal of the match.

In the 15th minute they scored another one. Another from Campbell. This time a header. And you saw Obi blame herself for this one. She was so close.

Nüsken had a good shot at the goal but it was stopped by the Austrian goalkeeper. She had a few more opportunities after that but no scoring.

Bühl finally got a goal, from outside the penalty area. Thankfully putting you guys back in the game, almost 5 minutes to the whistle blow.

And finally you reached the end of the first half.

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

I like the way this story is going finally!

Guys I might merge some chapters together so they can be longer, so if you're in doubt if you've read it or not, use the images to help guide you!

#woso #woso x reader #lena oberdorf #lena oberdorf x reader #dfb frauen #vfl wolfsburg frauen #fc bayern frauen

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equallyshaw · 16 days

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star crossed loves au | connor bedard x kailey hughes au ↳ not for the faint of heart. ↳ august, 2021. ↳ masterlist.

warnings: swearing, talks of depression and jack being an ass. also, there is an attempt mentioned + self harm & eating disorder. word count: 2.9k

after the panic attack in kaileys washroom that afternoon, ellen had begun to notice more and more the subtle changes in her daughter's moods and behavior. she saw the lucky go, girl who was always up for anything and everything, begin to become a recluse, quiet and very calculated girl. she saw the light in her daughter's eyes diminish and she didn't know where it all had begun. she grew worried as luke was getting ready to head off to michigan for his freshman year, while she stayed back to complete her senior year.

what was she going to do without her irish and best friend no longer in the house? :

she knew it was the final straw when kailey had declined to hang out with luke before he left, and to forgoe their 'twin day' they liked to call it which they had been doing since b before they moved to michigan where it was just the two of them, with one final day before school started up again. she watched as kailey told him no and then proceeded to head upstairs to nap, which was something she'd been doing a lot of lately. she saw the solemn and defeated look of form on her youngest son's face, and her heart absolutely broke watching him look down at the two tickets he had gotten for a festival in downtown ann arbor. he left the two tickets and headed into he garage, to take a drive. that evening as her and her husband began to get ready for bed, she told him of everything she'd been seeing with their daughter and how she had said no to luke today. to which, luke was shocked with the latter. everybody in their family knew that they gave themselves one day a year to boast in the final summer break hours with each other, and to say no was huge.

"i- i think we failed her jim. i really do. she shouldn't be feeling the way she feels in this house and this town. did we make the wrong decision moving here for jack? do you think we should of stayed in toronto and let jack head off like we had quinn do?" ellen rambled as jim pulled her into his arms. he kissed the top of her head, "she quit her sports too. i should have noticed it last year when she didn't sign up for try outs. when she lied to us and said she just didn't make it. or when she yelled at jack when they both came back from training camps...i should have known. i should have been a better mother." ellen sobbed as jim continued to comfort her. "you're not a bad mother, we are not horrible parents ellen. i promise you. the best thing we can do is be there for her, get her help and continue to show up for her - now more than ever." he said and ellen nodded, wiping her tears. "as for the move, i think about it too. i think about the 'what ifs' and if we made the right decision, and some days i do regret it but we can't go back, we can only move forward hun. we will get through this, kailey will get through this." he said a bit stoically, taking the weight and pressure off of his wife. ellen nodded taking one last look at jim, before the two of them fell asleep.

a week later, ellen drove kailey to a therapist out in detroit. she called the school the following day, inquiring if her guidance counselor could talk to her daughter once the first day rolled around, and after that conversation, her guidance counselor referred her to a social worker in detroit for her to go to therapy. kailey was confused more than anything, as to where all of this had come from, but took it with great strides. she could finally breathe for once, because somebody had finally noticed. ellen called quinn that same afternoon to let her know kailey would be going to therapy and hoped quinn could check in with kailey in a week and quinn was shocked, but was relieved that she'd have somebody to talk to and have a safe place to do so. ellen also told him some of what the guidance counselor had said, in particular, the part about jack. which made quinn beyond pissed off, and went into big brother mode.

as soon as the two got off the call, he facetimed his brother. jack's egotistical smile graced the phone screen and then fell, once he saw quinns face. "is everything ok?" he asked and quinn shook his head, "no." he stated. "you are an ass jack, a fucking ass." he began but was cut off by jack, "what the hell man? what did i do now?" jack fought back. quinn made a tsk noise, "what haven't you done. you've treated our baby sister nothing more than a roommate since you guys moved to michigan. you fucking told your teammates or friends, that she was nothing more than a roommate. what the hell jack? you're supposed to protect her and build her up, not tear her down and bully her. do you know where she's headed now because of what you and others say to her? yknow she's bullied at school, right? oh wait no, you don't because nobody told you anything about her life. kailey made sure of that. always having luke to promise he wont say anything, but he's seen it all. he see's how people treat her at school and he has seen how you've treated her as well. yknow she quit lacrosse and soccer because her mental health got so bad last year? she lied to mom and dad and said she didn't make it, but she didn't even go to the fucking try out. instead, she drove new buffalo across the god damn state. because you were at home, she drove three hours to get away from you man! three. fucking. hours." quinn paused taking a deep breathe, "she's headed to therapy jack, because of how immature you are. what do you have against her, huh? what does she have, that you don't? why did you do and say all that you did, man?" quinn questioned as jack took in all of the information.

jack felt tears spring to his eyes as he digested it all, and he swallowed harshly. "its stupid." he mumbled and quinn rolled his eyes. "speak up man." quinn demanded.

"its dumb!" jack said louder now and quinn gave him a deadpanned look, "it cant be that stupid if it's given her years of torment." quinn said irritably. "have you ever thought of life if we hadn't gotten into hockey?" jack questioned and quinn's eyebrows furrowed, "have you ever thought of how life would have played out? the freedom we'd have or the ability to plan our own future?" he added. quinn sighed, as he continued to listen. "its stupid because when we moved to michigan, i was hurting. i didn't or couldn't understand why. i didn't understand when i was supposedly living out my dream of playing for team usa, and dedicating my life and time to the sport that we love. i think apart of me hated that we had to move, or that i did. mom and dad didn't listen to me when i said i'd move there by myself, but then they said that luke has a shot of getting into the program too so it would be easier to move everybody. but they didn't listen to when i asked about kailey, and how she'd adjust. i was hurting because i felt like a burden, because of the way kailey reacted to the move. she began to cry, she began to yell at mom and dad about how they were ruining their lives, and then she began to scream at me. telling me how selfish i was, and how much of a brat i was because we were moving because of me." jack paused to sniffle and wipe a stray tear.

"i was hurt because she was hurt, and then i took my anger and frustration and sadness out on her. which was wrong of me, i now understand and know. when we got there, i took on the burden of having to prove how beneficial it was for me or us to move. had to be number one in order to prove to kailey that it was the best decision. had to show everybody that i was meant to be there. all the while, she was hurting because of me and i was too narrow-minded-" quinn cut him off, "you were a dummy." and jack nodded in agreement.

"once i started to make sly comments towards her and about, it snowballed and i knew it was too far past redemption or apologies. so i rolled with it. i became the villain in her story, and if i could go back now - i'd do it differently. it was not fair or right of me to treat her that way. mom and dad didn't raise me to be that way, and i let them down. i let all of you down, especially kailey."

back to kailey:

she sat down in the aesthetically pleasing therapist's office, as her mom waited outside. she sat down in front of the woman her mom had told her about, and how she would be able to help if they were a good fit.

"so kailey, do you know why your mom brought you here today?" the younger woman questioned and kailey nodded. "because im depressed." she stated as her hands clasped together and began to fidget with them. "how long would you say you've been depressed, kailey?" the social worker questioned softly. the blonde girl swallowed counting in her head, "i would say for six years now." she stated and the social worker nodded. "do you know what triggered it? or anything that might have been the start of it?" they questioned sitting back to let the blonde speak.

kailey nodded, "when we moved from toronto to ann arbor for my brother jacks hockey program. my parent's didn't listen when i said i didn't want to move. i didn't want to uproot my life that had finally calmed down." she began, "once we moved, jack became mean. i mean we didn't always get along growing up but enough to where when he began to taunt me, say mean things to me- it was almost as if it was whiplash. i couldn't believe that he'd do such a thing. at the time, i was also mean. i was mean to my parents because i couldn't accept that they'd made this terrible decision. i was mad because they didn't let jack come to michigan like our older brother quinn did, when he joined the same program. and then luke became even more dedicated to hockey as well. it felt like i was losing my support system and Irish twin, but in reality i wasn't. it just felt like i was losing control on the world i had hated for years. hockey took away my brothers. took away my life and family. everything bad that has happened in my life, is because of it. i can't stand to watch it, i only went for my oldest brother - quinns - pro debut in vancouver and then i haven't been to a game since. i even told my other brother luke who will be at michigan this year, that i wont watch his games. i wish him well and hope he doesn't get hurt, but i know that hurts him. i know it. but i cant allow myself to watch it or even think about it." kailey said before taking a pause to breathe.

the social worker spoke up, "it is not unusual for you to have created boundaries. we do that as a coping mechanism, even if other do not see it as such. we do it so we can protect our hearts, our minds and our psyche. you cutting off hockey is not surprising. its a triggering thing for you, which makes sense given your relationship to jack." they paused to change course a bit, "my next question is...have you used those boundaries to in turn harm yourself in anyway?" they questioned. kailey felt as if the air was knocked out of her, as she felt tears form. she swallowed them down, before taking a breath. kailey nodded, before breaking down. the social worker watched for a few seconds, before moving over to the couch next to the girl. the social worker hesitated before wrapping her arms around the girl, who immediately grasped onto her arms. the social worker rubbed her upper back, trying to comfort the girl.

nobody had ever asked her that before, nobody knew the great lengths she had gone to have some sort of control over her life.

"yes." kailey breathed as anxiety coursed through her. the social worker nodded and continued to hold her for a few more minutes, before kailey calmed down. she wiped her tears and took a few tissues that were on the coffee table before her.

the social worker moved back to the other chair and waited for kailey to speak.

"i didn't realize it at first, but I've known for some time that my eating habits aren't healthy. i used food as a way to have some control in my life, when decisions were being made for me and the way that people treated me at home and at school. i used it because i couldn't control my environment. i haven't self harmed myself in a year, since jack left and people began to leave me alone at school. i took their words out on myself, because i felt like i deserved it for whatever reason. i took the way people viewed me to heart, and knew that that was another way i could harm myself." kailey explained, and the social worker nodded.

"how are your eating patterns now?" she asked kailey and the girl shrugged. "could be better, could be worse." she said before she dived into them, and how they had gotten better over the past year but worsened when jack came home for the offseason. the social worker and her dug deep into that conversation, before the social worker had one more question to ask.

"have you ever had an attempt?" they questioned and kailey sighed, before looking away. she had pushed that moment into the back of her mind for so, so long. she didn't like to think of it because it didn't work, and felt embarrassed about it.

"yeah i uh, i was alone a weekend during my sophomore year. jack had one last tournament with team USA and my parents took my brother luke to canada for it. and because i could drive, i stayed back. and I've uh never told anybody that before." she finished before chugging more of the coffee she had brought. the social worker nodded, "so it was just the once?" they clarified and the girl nodded. "i feel ashamed and embarrassed. but i didn't have anybody to call. i couldn't call q because he was canada working, and then i couldn't call luke because he was also with my parents and my best friend becca was living her life back in toronto. i was all alone, and had nobody." she finished and the social worker nodded. "for starters, i want to thankyou for sharing me all that you did today. it is difficult to come into an unfamiliar space with somebody you don't know, and share your deepest secrets and the one's you hide from the world. it takes courage and strength my dear, and those are things you do not lack." the social worker began and they saw a small smile form on the girls pale features. "and i know things will come up as we meet, but how about we come up with a plan for moving forward, things we will do together and what you'll do on your own?" and kailey nodded.

kailey waited in the small waiting room for her mom to come out of the office. the social worker wanted time with her mother to talk about what had been shared and their plan moving forward, with the consent of kailey ofcourse- since she was 18. ellen came out with a puffy face and thanked the social worker before the two walked out. ellen took ahold of her daughter's hand as they walked back to the car. the two hopped into the car and ellen sat there as kailey got her seatbelt on. ellen sniffled before looking at her youngest baby before grabbing ahold of her left hand, "im sorry you've had to deal with all of that without anybody knowing. im sorry you've had to carry so much pain, shame and anger these past years here. im sorry that i didn't notice sooner, my love." ellen said as a tear broke through. kailey nodded in acknowledgment taking ahold of her mom's hand with her other, and smiled. "i appreciate that mom, i really do." she smiled before ellen kissed her daughter's temple. she wiped her tears before turning on the car, "how about we go surprise luke for dinner?" and kailey nodded profusely.

im sorry that was so sad ): hope you enjoyed tho!

#connor bedard au #star crossed lovers au #luke hughes #jack hughes #quinn hughes #umich hockey #new jersey devils #vancouver canucks #luke hughes blurb #quinn hughes blurb #jack hughes blurb

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ac-liveblogs · 9 days

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Manshine City vs Bastard Munchen Part 2 "Oops I stopped Reading For Two Weeks" Edition

Last time: Nagi stood underneath Reo's window with a boombox and asked him to take him back. Reo, who swore he didn't need Nagi and was going to do this for HIMSELF, flings himself out the window.

I do like that Isagi is trying to master-mind the field 'oooh I can predict your every move!', theoretically Kaiser is doing the exact same thing, and they still fail to account for each other and completely fuck up their Pro Strats. I swear, Kaiser is just if the Isagi That Plays Soccer existed off the field as well as on it.

GOD Reo's inner monologue. "We split up once... we followed different paths..." ONE it's been like a month absolute tops TWO I maintain that Reo and Nagi exist in a totally different genre than the rest of the cast.

(Tbh I'm a little disappointed the Reo-Nagi drama seems to have resolved so easily, though there might still be tension outside of the field. I doubt Nagi's going to try and split up with Reo again at this point. Gotta wrap up these character arcs and move on, save the real meat for Episode Nagi in 4 years. Which is a shame, because given how batshit things were back in Blue Lock Reo absolutely Losing It was one of the things I was looking forward to most. What, he can't be too crazy in the insane soccer manga?)

Kaiser and Isagi, you two are my only hope... I need a murder attempt, c'mon...

I don't know enough about soccer to say if a two-stage volley is an 'insane, godly move' but I think a 5-stage anything has got to be pretty impressive. Who knew Nagi could be bothered to count that high. (I know Nagi didn't actually punt Isagi in the face but it sure looked like it, I was taken aback for a second.)

I love the way Nagi's 'ego' manifests on the pitch too, it's great. Gets really hyped up for a little bit of a game, gets super intense, trashtalks like a champ, I am a GOD routine, scores an absolutely insane fucking goal, goes 'yep that's all I wanted' and powers down mid-game. It's not over yet but he did what he came for! He's just like me forreal

"If not for the simple fact that Nagi doesn't know how to play this game, he would be unstoppable!!!" - Reo Mikage, probably

Agi... Reo... guys... chill

Chris' absolute lack of class is the funniest thing about him. This match is being televised, don't go calling your opponent a slut again.

Isagi "I have every tool I need to beat Kaiser except actually being better at this game than him!" Yoichi

Noa's just watching his team burn around him like "hmm. Excellent."

Chigiri throwing his hat into the 'dumb eye power' ring with a truly outstanding entry.

I know Kunigami is in this game, it just really doesn't feel like Kunigami is in this game. The match is losing track of Chigiri as well, I got a little surprised when he popped back up. I know the lack of synergy is on purpose due to the 'every man's either out for himself or the guy he's mentally ill about' aspect/'build your team around the striker' philosophy, but it does make the teams feel really uneven when the only characters that tend to matter are the Strikers + whoever's supporting them at the moment. It wasn't so bad when they were playing with limited teams, but right now half the teams feel like total space filler.

(The whole 'guaranteed shot' thing feels a bit... insulting to the concept of goalies/defense players too. I don't know much about soccer but it does feel like a major dick move LOL. To be fair, Gagamaru is not a goalie. Does Bastard Munchen not have a goalie better at goal-keeping than 'guy with hard head that doesn't play this role normally'.)

But yeah seriously Kunigami went to an ambiguous soccer torture camp to get his whole personality destroyed and for what. This? He doesn't even get to pretend to be the biggest threat on the field for even one game. Give that man a refund. Or at least some free therapy.

"go... the world's most random shot... even i don't know where it's going!!!" that is NOT impressive that's what i do every time I kick a ball. maybe i should be a pro soccer player. i could beat noel noa

Isagi has some nerve being shocked that Yukimiya is sabotaging him because ~they're on the same team~ yeah okay whatever dude and what was your end-goal here again

man, these matches just keep getting longer and longer despite the fact that they're aiming for way less goals...

#blue lock

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inthememetime · 2 years

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Inspired by Teenage Mercenary, a DC × DP AU in which Danny plays the role on Ijin except instead of a foreign country Danny grew up in the Ghost Zone after an ill fated trip wherein Jack, Madeline and Danny entered the ghost zone in the prototype Specter Speeder but failed to return. Instead of growing up with her grandparents, Jazz is taken in by Vlad and then one day an older iteration of Danny emerges from Vlad's ghost zone portal. Jazz bearhugs Danny and Danny hugs her back, in steps Vlad who also hugs his godson adding to the dog pile.

Vlad uses Jazz's preexisting attendance to Gotham Academy to get Danny into the school as a new student and Danny is sorted into the same homeroom as one Tim Drake.

Sorry for the delay on this, Shroud, I wanted to be able to give you something good instead of whatever hot garbage my fevered brain churned out. I mean, it might still be hot garbage, but at least I tried, you know?

Anyway

I LOVE this idea an amount that you probably expected. Let's start with the immediate effects and then push out to when he returns!

Vlad

The objects of his obsession (Maddie and Jack) are gone. Dead. He even goes to the GZ to find them with no luck; just a wrecked Specter Speeder, parts and pieces of Maddie and Jack, and a blood-soaked baby seat.

Understandably, his mental status is completely rocked. If he didn't have the (once minor) obsessions with family and custody of Jazmine, his core would've shattered.

All that to say: this is a Vlad more like the future one in the apocalypse during TUE. He's broken, barely holding himself together for the sake of this broken-hearted little girl, and is forced to move on.

Jazmine

Despite being only 3 at the time of the accident, she has a lot of guilt. She thinks she should have faked being sick, thrown a tantrum, ANYTHING. It takes years of therapy (hence her goal of being a psychiatrist) for her to internalize it wasn't her fault. She was 3. She wasn't even at the house, she was at a sleepover. How was she supposed to stop them?

Despite her (unfair) guilt, she moves to calling Vlad 'dad' pretty quickly. Now, when she thinks of her dad, it's our favorite Green Bay Packers fan. When somebody presses about her bio dad, she has a few pictures, some stories, and a vague memory of a man in orange buckling up her older brother for the last ride he would ever take.

She misses Danny, and often wonders what he'd be like if he lived. Her hardest day, besides the immediate aftermath, was her 6th birthday because that meant she was older than Danny (who was 5 when he died) would ever be.

6 year old Jazz had a very hard time.

Now, at 14, her main concerns are having to move to Gotham and leave her friends Sam and Tucker (not to mention the town she grew up in) behind. She spent the last half year in Gotham, but she thought she was going back to Amity Park

Unfortunately (or fortunately) for her, business is booming, and Vlad signed a contract with Wayne Enterprises that's slowly putting a certain evil billionaire out of business, and he needs to be in city. And she's 14, so she is, obviously, going with him.

Side note, Vlad grew up rich and in boarding schools. He had a Very Bad Time in boarding schools, so that's a no go for him. Also, his existence low-key revolves around his daughter, so he starts going a little canon-level crazy when he can't see her for at least an hour or two a week. (Thank you, Skype! She can enjoy summer camp as long as she has a reliable internet connection!)

Also: Jazz knows this. But her abandonment issues have abandonment issues, so she's totally fine with this: she gets to reassure herself that her only living parent is still (half) alive and healthy.

Also also: thanks to an unexpected vulture visit, she's known Vlad is a half ghost since she was 4.

The Plot Beggineth

Is Beggineth a word? I like it, so it is now.

She sneaks off to say a final goodbye to Fentonworks the week before they're supposed to leave, but Sam and Tucker have a feeling she would do that and follow her.

Most of this chapter would be somber, I think. Jazz visiting the Ops center, the kitchen, and every room to say a final goodbye because, tbh, she doesn't plan on going back here again at this point. She's finally ready to move on.

She tests the lock on the lab as always, and it's locked, but the hinges have rusted and pretty much falls over. Despite knowing how dangerous a maintained ghost lab is, she decends. A last goodbye to the ghosts who never, despite all the wishes and prayers, came to haunt her.

There's the wrecked Speeder, just as her dad found it years ago. The weapons cabinet, the lab tables. All untouched bexause her dad couldn't stand to be here either. She's about to leave when she trips over a Fenton Thermos and lands in the portal.

Despite being very careful standing up, she trips on a wire, and the fact her dad never shut off the power really bites her because she bumps the on button, and boom! Halfa!Jazz.

By this time, Sam and Tucker are there to see her death, and Vlad's not far behind since his wards were tripped when she entered. They're all a little too late.

Not only does the portal activation kill Jazz! It also acts as a beacon to a certain ghost who doesn't remember much, but knows his obsession lies on the other side of the door he can't cross. Until now.

Danny

Immediately recognizes Jazz, though not Vlad.

They don't recognize him either. He's had a multitude of ghost parents, so 4 arms (Pandora), horns (Frostbite), star maps on his skin (Clockwork), and- well, he looks like a neverborn.

Until he switches back, and he's the spitting image of Jack at that age. He knows things only Danny would know. VERY secretive blood tests prove that's Jazz's long (un)dead brother.

Jazz and Vlad are beyond excited to have him back, and so is he! Matter of fact, Vlad's a little confused at how such a gentle, kind boy (admittedly with a lot of sass) has (half) survived the GZ.

All that changes when Luthor does weird mind control on Superman to get revenge (not against Plasmius- he isn't in the know- but against Vlad, who is driving him out of business) (overkill much, Lexy?), and Danny takes him down in like...20 seconds.

Super speed? Well how does your super hearing like that Ghostly Wail? Super strength? Boy, he wrestles with the ghost of the Nemean Lion on the regular.

Lazer eyes? Frost breath. Catch two arms? Jokes on you, he's got 2 more and now you're in range.

Yeah. It's quick. Batman and the bats have to slow down CCTV footage to 1 FPS and it's still faster than the camera could track.

He always went by Phantom in the GZ, so that's his hero name! Vlad still tries to teach him- and learns a few tricks himself. They both teach Jazz.

Tim

With summer over, classes start again!

Immediately, Tim knows something is off. The new kid, Danny, is WAY too nice for Gotham. Yeah, he's sassy, but he'll also make friends with anybody!

Tim tries to teach him the ropes. This causes Danny to believe they're BFFs now, which Tim was NOT aiming for, he just didn't want the cinnamon roll to be murdered.

Only then Danny steps in with a school bully who Tim has just had to deal with because he can't reveal his combat training, and absolutely shreds the guy to pieces. Then, super friendly, gives Tim his backpack back and wants to know if Tim knows any good burger joints in the area.

Detective mode: activated! Tim (thinks he) figures out that this is a Jason Situation. He resolves to keep an eye out on Danny to see if he has superpowers or nah.

Tim: I'll hang around him until I figure him out. Danny: new friend!

Danny starts showing up randomly. A fight breaks out while he's supposed to be in class? Nope, Danny's right beside him kicking ass, but his teacher says he never left the room, and the footage he (ahem) aquired confirms it.

Tim starts making a list of powers and panicking because a meta like this might be able to slow down even Superman! He'd be far more frightened if he knew half of the stuff Danny could really pull.

The Batfam thinks Tim has a crush. There's a lot of 'you can tell us anything!' speeches, Kate reminds him she's lesbian and it's ok with everyone else for some reason, even Jason gets to the point where he's just: Tim. Listen. Bruce is like the only straight person here, and frankly nobody knows about Alfred. It's cool if you want to bring him home.

"He's a meta."

"I'll make an exception unless he hurts you."

Tim thinks: ok, meta is fine. Turn him into a hero! Bruce thinks: ok, going to meet my son's boyfriend soon!

This is, by the way, the while thing. Everyone (but Tim & sweet cinnamon roll Danny) thinks they're dating. It gets to the point where Bruce and Vlad start inviting eachother over for family dinners in the hopes that their sons will just fess up, already!

Everyone (but Tim, Jazz, and Vlad) thinks Danny is either normal, or a meta with some speed and strength enhancements.

Tim tries to explain how dangerous he really is? YES, Tim, we GET IT, Danny is AWESOME and has great hair, JESUS CHRIST.

Hilariously, Tim and Danny keep getting kidnapped, and everyone from the Batfam thinks Tim keeps somehow overpowering metas to rescue them. Ghostfam thinks Tim is now In The Know.

"Hey Mr. Masters-"

"Tim, please, it's Vlad."

"Uh. Vlad? How did Danny get superpowers?"

"Oh, he died."

"WhAt?!"

Phantom and Robin keep teaming up to rescue Jazz, who is doing her best not to show powers so Lex doesn't have a reason to clone her.

Phantom/Robin becomes a thing. Danny/Tim is still not. When they find out, both families are FURIOUS.

"DANIEL JAMES FENTON-MASTERS, WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON YOUR BOYFRIEND?!"

"TIMOTHY DRAKE, GET DOWN HERE AND TELL ME WHY RED ROBIN WAS SEEN KISSING PHANTOM?!"

Tim starts hanging around the Fenton-Masters more because NOBODY believes he and Danny aren't dating! Danny does the opposite- and both figure out eachother's secret identities.

This leads to further problems because: ok, he likes Red Robin, but he clearly isn't interested in Tim Drake. Ok, he likes Phantom, but Danny probably annoys him.

Tim gets Unmasked by Disposable Henchman #4, and (after getting rid of the others), Danny, to even the score, shows that Phantom and Danny are the same person too.

This leads to further drama. You'd think everything was solved, wouldn't you? Nah. "Dad, please stop yelling at me. Tim IS Red Robin." "Oh, that's a load of licorice, Danny, you're grounded."

"Bruce, everybody- I'm tired of this, so here: Danny IS Phantom." "So now you're lying to your BF AND to us?!"

Finally, they unmask in front of each other's families. Problem solved, right? Right! Except Jazz is kidnapped now, and there's this new scary blue meta looking for a ghost kid, and- shit's complicated.

But that's (realistically) where I'd go with it- romantic comedy/ crouching tiger hidden dumbass style.

All in all:

Danny? Genius when it comes to fighting, the GZ, and math. Dumbass for anything else.

Tim? Genius when it comes to detective work, fighting, and breaking and entering. Dumbass when it comes to human interaction.

Danny AND Tim? Bisexual Disaster Squad for the win!

#danny phantom #inthememetime #danny phantom au #vlad masters #redeemed vlad masters #ask answered #come ask me things!#tim drake #halfa!jazz #tim/danny is wonderful your honor #because they're both dumbass geniuses

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madefate · 1 month

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Stolas is no longer on bedrest, but he's still not back to 100%, probably won't be for a while. The stress of the past few weeks has triggered an early molt, and he'd been pretty much hiding out in his room for a week, attempting to avoid actually seeing anyone. Or at least, that was his usual method of dealing with the embarrassment of losing his feathers. He'd always been told to keep himself out of sight until his plumage was back to the way it should be, that they couldn't risk the Goetia family appearing less than perfect, at any time. And old habits die hard. Which is why he's in the bathroom now, trying to deal with the wings he usually keeps retracted, brushing out errant feathers. Usually, he can deal with his wings in an afternoon, but it's much slower going than usual, with his still-healing injuries. He knows he's been holed up in here too long, but he's still working on getting his confidence and self-esteem back, and right now…., he still wants to look his best when he's around anyone else, especially Blitz. @helldustedstories

❝ Guess who's so fuckin' good at killin' he got to close up shop early ! ❞ There was no denying that it's been a pretty relentless few weeks, in just about every possible way. Blitz hasn't really settled in one place for more than a night - some with Loona, some with Stolas, some passed out at his desk as the business has been piling up at a steady pace for once - and when he's not in the human realm, taking out targets like a certified badass, he's been keeping an ear to the ground for word of Striker - and then, of course, there's Barbie's trail that's come back up that he's been keeping more than an eye on -

Suffice to say, Blitz is pretty damn pleased with himself today.

For once, things were going right. They'd taken three back to back cases and finished them in record time, sending all three human dipshits plummeting right into hell to face retribution ( or, well, one of them to a pretty disgusting makeout session right in his fucking office, but he did charge an extra fee for emotional damages ). Moxxie and Millie were able to slip away early to get some well deserved alone time, and Blitz had given the extra cash to Loona so she could get some retail therapy in.

As for himself ? He'd swung by to pick up some new takeout for Stolas and Octavia - an unexpected delight has been feeding Stolas things he'd never tried before and keeping track of his favorites - and had even washed up to look mildly presentable before actually walking through the front door of Stolas' estate. Something that still sets him a little on edge, despite the fact that he hasn't seen hide nor feather of Stella since he's been camped out at Stolas' bedside during his recovery.

He really doesn't think anything of trodding the familiar path to Stolas bedroom - then the bathroom when he doesn't find him in the bed - and he's about to keep running his mouth when the sight that greets him renders him momentarily speechless.

Wings.

That's all he notices at first - brilliant silver plumage catching the soft light of the bathroom, fluffing out into wings that hang down from Stolas' arms. Blitz's lips are parted, and his eyes wide - and sparkling. He lingers in the doorframe, entranced by the overwhelming awe that comes with seeing Stolas' wings for the first time, heart warmly thrumming up in his throat -

Then he realizes that Stolas is trying to reach practically behind himself and instinct takes over, crossing over to place a hand on Stolas', urging him to lower his arm.

❝ Hey - are you okay ? You're gonna pull something like that. ❞ Up close now, Blitz can't help but admire the soft array of feathers like it's something new and miraculous, because to him it is. ❝ I didn't know ... should I have known ? They're just so - amazing ... ❞

#hh tw #( ic. )#( answered. )#( blitz. )#helldustedstories #blitz IMMEDIATELY starry eyed IMMEDIATELY RIGHT THERE.#au. and i'm so ready to wake up

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thebentleyao3 · 1 year

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But I'm a Cheerleader! AU 📣 Part 2/?

also known as "But I'm the All Valley Champ! 🥋" in my notes app, title idea courtesy of my older brother

part 1 can be found here

Johnny hadn't even been at the camp for a full week and everything was already going to shit.

He knew why he needed to be there at True Directions, the brochures had all said it was the best way to fix what was wrong with him, the only way. His mother had made Sid promise not to tell anyone where he was going too, though that hadn't been too hard. Who could stand anyone finding out he had a stepson who was queer?

Missing 3 months of school and karate plus being away from all his and friends wasn't ideal, but he was figured he was just gonna have to tough it out. Most of the kids at True Directions were alright, and he was really starting to warm up to the idea of spending an extended period of time around them.

He was so, so close to getting through the program without anything in the way. Of course something had to go wrong.

Johnny ran shaky hands through his hair, letting out a sigh. He couldn't bring himself to sit with the others during free time after group therapy. He knew that eventually Ali would want to talk to him, and because he hadn’t acted like enough of a coward already, Johnny had hid from her. He'd been curled up behind the house in a secluded area in the garden out back for the past 20 minutes.

What was the point of putting so much effort into keeping people back home from finding out he was gay when the one person he would’ve wanted to find out the least ended up right where he was?

Suddenly, Johnny heard a faint rustling in the bushes. Straightening up and out of his crouch, he looked up to see a familiar brown haired boy, pushing through the shrubbery. Johnny furrowed his brow in confusion as the two stared at eachother.

"Hey, there you are,” Daniel said, grinning at him. “I’ve been looking all over for you, blondie.”

Johnny scooched over to the side, silently making room for Daniel to sit with him. Once he’d set himself down with a comfortable sigh, Johnny spoke. "Why?” He replied, and then like an afterthought, “And I already told you, stop calling me that.”

Daniel shrugged, and with a start Johnny realised he looked kind of shy. "Was worried about you, is all. You seemed kinda," He trailed off.

"What, rattled?" Johnny offered, raising an eyebrow at him.

Daniel let out a soft huff of laughter, "I was actually gonna say freaked out of your mind, but yeah. Rattled works too."

"Right, well," Johnny replied, "You'd probably be a little freaked out of your mind too if you were me."

Daniel shoved him lightly, laughing again. "What's wrong? You know the new girl or something?"

Johnny couldn't help but laugh then too. More than you'd guess, he wanted to say. Instead, his response was soft.

"She was my girlfriend back home," he said, "Technically still is, actually."

The worst part of it all was, sometimes Johnny could make himself think he really did have feelings for Ali. He could talk to her, really talk to her, and she made him want to be a better person, one who didn't have to punch out all his problems.

Sometimes, on those nights where he'd be driving her back to her house, both hands on the wheel so she wouldn't try to take one, he'd look over at her, at her pretty eyes and her bright smile and wonder how he could possibly not love her. He had to be straight if he loved spending time with her so much, right?

But over time it had gotten harder to pretend. He'd stiffen up when she kissed him, instinctively pull away if he thought she was going to try and pull him into a hug. He started dreading seeing her, dreading her easy affection because deep down he knew she didn't deserve this, he was such a liar, she should hate him, he was all wrong and he was going to ruin her with it, he just knew.

Daniel laughed, incredulous. "Are you serious?"

"Sure am. Our 2 year anniversary was back in June." Daniel's expression was so priceless, Johnny almost laughed despite the pit in his stomach. Almost.

Johnny watched as the other boy scoffed in disbelief, head leaning back against the wall.

"You're really something else, Blondie." And yeah, he kinda was, but still.

"It's not like I don't," Johnny could feel his face warming up as he spoke. "I do like Ali okay. So much. She's smart, and she has a killer sense of humour-"

"And she's got just about the greatest tits you've never seen!" Daniel cut in, sparkling. Johnny flushed immediately, opening his mouth to tell the other boy off when Daniel continued, deadpan.

“Look, I don't need you to give me the straight boy speech. You're not gonna fool anybody. Not here."

Johnny shut his mouth, speechless. Funny thing was, the worst part of this whole conversation wasn't even the fact that he was being lectured by some shrimpy loudmouth from New Jersey.

(Seriously, Daniel was tiny. Johnny's hand could probably circle his whole wrist, he could probably lift him all the way off the ground without breaking a sweat if he tried. Johnny wasn't gonna kid himself either. He knew full well what he'd do to him if they'd first met back home and Daniel tried talking to him the way he did at True Directions.)

The worst part was that Johnny couldn't even deny it. He'd never been attracted to Ali, as hard as he always tried. And denying it at the one place where he could be honest about himself was gonna get him nowhere.

"Alright, fine, Larusso!" He flapped his hands in Daniel's direction, as if he could swat him away like a fly. "Lay off me, will you?"

Johnny swallowed thickly. "I get it, I'm an asshole. I just-- I just thought if I pretended hard enough then eventually I wouldn't have to pretend anymore." He said, voice low. "But that's why I'm here now, right? To get better, so I won't be pretending anymore."

The two boys sat in silence for a few beats. As much as Johnny made jabs at the other boy for his constant chatter, the quiet was unnerving.

Finally, Daniel let out a heavy sigh, rolling his eyes. "Right, well. Good luck with that one."

Johnny furrowed his brow and narrowed his eyes at the boy. "What are you talking about?"

Daniel huffed out a laugh. "This crap doesn't work, Johnny. You are who you are, man, the only trick is not getting caught.

He brushed off his blue shorts, and started to get up. His tone was the only thing that betrayed any bitterness in his words. A slight edge to them. For not the first time, Johnny wondered what Daniel had done to get sent to camp.

Whatever dark mood Daniel had been in vanished as soon as it came. Once he was up, he grinned brightly down at Johnny, extending a hand to help pull himself up. Johnny accepted it wordlessly, pointedly not thinking about the warmth of his hand in his as he got up. The flowers just behind Daniel were looking real nice at the moment.

"I should. Probably go talk to Ali." Johnny said as they made their way back to the group.

Daniel stayed silent a beat, before hesitantly responding. "I know I gave you a ton of grief about it before but," He tried for a smile. "It'll be okay. She's here too, man, so she can't be too mad at you."

Maybe it sounded dumb, but up until that point Johnny hadn't really thought about what Ali's presence would mean for her feelings about him. He'd been so focused on how much she'd hate him now that she'd found out his secret.

Daniel reached out to him and squeezed his right hand lightly. It was small, and he'd pulled away immediately, but it was enough to fill his chest with warmth. He nodded once, and made his way over to the blonde girl sitting across the garden.

#been working on this for DAYS #but im a cheerleader #daniel larusso #johnny lawrence #lawrusso #tkk #fics #my writing #ive been thinking a lot about the ali/johnny confrontation honestly #but that info is between me and. well probably daniel bc i tell him everything about this au

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hurlockomega · 2 years

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alistair for the ask game 😌

BLESS YOU. Also I apologize for the rant in advance.

first impression: honestly i thought he was a little annoying at first? i thought this was just some strange, funny frat boy assigned to me by handsome beard man, but then all of a sudden halfway through lothering im heart eyes in a wheat field?? i was like how tf did we get here i thought i didn't care about you?? so then i talk to him some more in camp and i find out he has Childhood Trauma™ and he's a little awkward and then i was in deep so fast. 13 years later i'm still here. mentally i'm still in that wheat field in lothering talking to this man about griffons.

impression now: first of all i would go to war for this man, my socially inept disaster boy. he's only grown on me more over the years and it's not stopping i love him so much. he's kind, he has a good heart, he's patient, he's petty, he's hilarious, he's childish (he's 19 he's forgiven) he's smart, he's insecure, i love him, i love him, i love him. i romance this dude once a year. i am beyond help.

favorite moments: god where to start. Uhhhhhh. paraphrased bc idr exactly: - when he mimicks morrigan's voice in the swamp. "First it's [I like you], then zap, frog time." - Put on a dress and dance the Remigold scene at Duncan's campfire - "Now that the warm, fuzzy part of the day is over with we can get back to the ritual dismemberments. Oh, wait, it's not Tuesday, is it?" - When he goes "Yeeeeees???" when you click on him at like 80 approval and he's romanced - "The reason I said I was lucky." line before u enter Redcliffe (after he tells u about his father) - "Why do they call it a 'brothel?' There's no broth, is there?" - When u enter the Denerim market and he goes "You can get almost anything here. I once got pickpocketed." - His banter with Dog. - Any of his nervous rambling.

idea for a story: Listen. I have So Many. I write him every day. It's Zevistair/surana hours all day every day in this house. He's one of the mains in my 200k+ words personal fic I use for creative therapy writing. I also want to write warden Alistair meeting Anders in Awakening together with a Surana or Amell that knows Anders. I'm also working on a modern AU dog walking fic. I want to write dialogue for him visiting the kennels when you sneak into Redcliffe castle. What if he had the warden's Sloth dream in the Tower, with Duncan. I want to write his first weeks as king. Stuff like that. unpopular opinion: Idk if it's still unpopular to think this but Alistair is biracial and brown. That is not a white man and Bioware whitewashed him to hell and back. Also he is bisexual. One Hundred percent. He gets so jealous when a male warden doesn't romance him (it's the most obvious when u romance Morrigan, but when u romance Zev he basically admits it when u ask him directly.) Again, idk if these opinions are still unpopular bc i exist in a carefully constructed echo chamber.

favorite relationship: romantic: Tabristair, Zevistair, Suranastair. non romantic: Sten, Duncan, Leliana.

favorite headcanon: This man is ND. Sometimes I write him more autistic leaning, sometimes adhd. Either way this man is ND. Also he is bi, but I consider that canon.

#alistair #cheese man #loml etc #ask meme

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tilliwriteapine · 2 years

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So, my great friend and a childhood inspiration, Dave Griffin, reminded me that we have started Mental Illness Awareness month.

And I have multiple. Major Depression. Anxiety. Social Anxiety.

I have had anxiety since before I can remember. I would go to sleep away camp and wake up every morning and vomit. I would go away from my family or home and vomit every morning. I would later find out that this was a classic sign of anxiety. Thanks for giving me the deets, nursing school!

Depression hit me probably *during* nursing school, and I remember having a difficult time in college. Anxiety was also a huge factor. But I wasn't diagnosed with depression until post nursing school and I was living on my own and working my first full time job. I wasn't far from my parents (about an hour away, but in a very familiar area, Gladstone, OR), but my brain chemistry was definitely fucked up.

Got started on medication. I believe I changed medication right before I moved to North Dakota.

I upped the dose in ND, and even got a therapist because oh hey, I also had Social Anxiety. TERRIBLE social anxiety. It crippled my ability to really function outside of work (I have no idea how I kept my job. I am approachable to patients but not strangers on the street?!). I once went to Dairy Queen, ordered a basket, and got my food. Realized I didn't get my ice cream sundae. But instead of politely asking for what I paid for, I just couldn't. I literally fucking couldn't. And so I didn't get my ice cream. I remember talking to my therapist about that specific interaction and, while so kind and gracious, he was so confused on how I couldn't ask for what I had paid for. I was too 😅

It was during my 18 months in ND that I struggled, not just with social anxiety, but also my depression. While panic attacks are more anxiety driven, I believe they are also a sign of depression. And boy, did I suffer some intense panic attacks. I remember my first one ever - I had either been exercising or been doing something at the gym, got into my car, experienced some nerve wrecking thing, and broke down, crying and hyperventilating. I was a LITERAL disaster.

Shit didn't stop there. I also was severely suicidal. My therapist weekly would ask about this specific symptom, and if I had a means to harm myself. I never did, never had a plan. But I thought about it a little too much. Depression fucked with my brain so hard.

I tried finding a job more close to home - Seattle, back home in Portland - but was rejected countless times by places I greatly admired. I remember breaking down after a For King and Country concert, depressed I had spent my parents money to go home for three in person interviews and ended up with zero job offers. At that point I had put in my 4 weeks notice and was either moving home or moving somewhere.

I was graced with a job offer for PSL BMT in Denver, and my spirits lifted.

I have still struggled with Depression, but not as severely as it was in ND. I've changed my medication during this pandemic, and feel Wellbutrin is doing well.

medication is NOT the devil and it saved me from killing myself.

I still struggle, a TON, with anxiety. Especially recently. I am so uncertain about what I want to be happy and where I want to be in life. My crutch is school 😅 Go figure!

but I need whoever is reading this to know that mental illness is NOT a short coming of your failings. It is a disease of the brain. There are ways to manage mental illness: therapy, medications, cognitive behavioral techniques, books - everyone needs something fine tuned to THEM to walk through life functioning. There is situational issues, seasonal blocks, and other factors that may influence when and how a mental illness surfaces.

But please know you are LOVED, you are PRECIOUS, and you are VALUED!!!!

I am mentally ill. But mental illness does not control my life.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

#Mental illness #mental illness awareness month #awareness #depression #anxiety #social anxiety #life

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liesareeasier · 2 years

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‘Trust The Living’ Chapter 3

A Daryl Dixon/ Walking Dead Inspired Fan-Fic

*mature content warning*

Word count: 2515 words :)

By: Me, MoonFlowerWrites on Wattpad

I hurried to the truck just as everyone else was climbing in, not fully understanding why I was so willing to help this group that I barely knew. Maybe it was the possibility of reuniting siblings, even if one of them was a racist asshole. I didn't have my sister, and if I couldn't yet make that right, I could at least help with this.

The ride back into the city was a short and uneventful one. I couldn't believe I was already going back in the city, after just having decided to leave yesterday.

When we got back into Atlanta, Rick parked the truck under a quiet overpass near the building we had left Merle. We would meet back here after getting him and the others grabbing the guns.

When we got on the street, there were even more groaners than before. Or geeks, as Glenn keeps calling them. I had heard so many names for them in these past few weeks, but that was the funniest so far. Foregoing our original plan, we decided to stay together, heading up to get Merle, and then all going for the guns as a unit. It would be safer that way.

We swiftly ran upstairs, Daryl running ahead. I could tell he was anxious about finding his brother and masking it with his rage. He hadn't spoken much on the way here. Frankly, none of us had, but I could tell he was pissed off. His jaw was tense and he didn't make eye contact with any of us. I think he blamed T the most, since he had been the one to drop the key that would have set Merle free.

It truly was an accident that the keys were dropped. That's the kind of man that T-Dog was showing himself to be. Merle had attacked him with his racist ignorance and T was still willing to help him. Every action from this group was validating my decision of staying with them.

As we reached the top, we heard Daryl screaming out for his brother. The once shining handcuffs were now dripping with blood. Where we had left him chained, laid not Merle, but only his hand. Daryl looked around frantically for his brother but he could not be seen anywhere near us.

"No, no, no, no..." He screamed as a look of panic flashed across his face. He looked broken. I strangely wanted to comfort him but stood back as he raised his crossbow to face T-Dog.

I knew he blamed him, I felt it. I had always been sensitive to the moods of others. Having been in therapy for most of my adolescence gave me an insight to the emotions of another person. I just didn't expect that Daryl would get violent over this.

Rick promptly raised his gun, forcing Daryl to face reality. Merle has made this decision. The best we could do now was try to figure out where he went from here.

He wrapped up his brother's hand, placing it in Glenn's backpack, as he started tracking a blood trail across the roof. We all followed him down a set of stairs, following the drops of blood.

"He might still be in here," Daryl yelled as he called out for his brother.

We followed the blood to an empty level a few floors down from the roof. There were camping stoves lit, their fuel still burning the flames and a flat, metal iron sitting next to the stove. He must have cauterized the wound himself...

"Damn bastard! That's Merle! Tough as shit!" Daryl exclaimed with a little hope as he noticed a broken window on the other side of the office.

I quickly realized that we must be close behind Merle. We should grab the guns, and try to find him on our way back to camp. He must be headed back there if he survived getting off the roof.

"Let's get the guns, and get Merle on our way back!" Rick proposed, saying exactly what I had been thinking to myself, but the group was split.

Glenn, T-Dogg, and I decided to go for the guns while Rick and Daryl continued to hunt for Merle. Daryl wasn't ready to give up. I didn't exactly agree but we all understood.

Glenn had come up with the route we would take to execute out plan. Daryl was impressed with his skills and asked him what he did before all of this.

"Delivered pizzas," Glenn responded. We all just started at him, impressed and maybe craving pizza at that moment. We snapped back to it, remembering what we were here to do.

We get down to the street, Glenn, T-Dog, and myself, about to grab the guns. We even spotted Rick's sheriff hat in the street. These people have done a lot for me already, and I need to prove myself. I've made it this far on my own, I can do this.

"Alright, stay here Glenn, T. I'll grab the guns and come right back here. Keep the gate closed and get ready to open it when I turn back around. Okay?" I more stated than asked, and they both nodded in agreement.

They opened the gate of the alley we were in, and I quickly make my way to the guns, avoiding geeks on the way. I can't believe I'm calling them that now but it sounded better than groaners. I try to grab both the guns and Rick's hat when another group comes up and attacks.

A man grabs me right before I can get back to the gate, geeks getting closer to us. I can see T-Dog trying to get a guy off of Glenn, but a third guy comes up and threatens him with a gun. A car screeches up, and the men throw Glenn and I into the car. Fuck... I'm trying not to panic but I knew I didn't feel safe coming back into the city for a reason.

As we're being thrown into the car, I see Daryl and Rick rush into the alley. Daryl's eyes meet mine and he looks terrified, to say the least. He had the same look of panic when we found Merle's hand up on the roof. His eyes flashed to Glenn's before I saw him reach for his crossbow. He shoots the third man, the one that had threatened T-Dog, in the leg with an arrow.

That's the last thing I saw before the men put a bag over my head and I assume over Glenn's. The car took off with us struggling in the backseat.

"Emma I'm so sorry... I promise we'll get out of this." I could tell that Glenn was about to cry but was trying to stay strong. I stayed quiet, not responding, not giving our captors any chance to hear our potential plans. We would get out of this. I just knew it. We had to play it cool and figure out what these guys wanted.

I felt like they did a few circles around the block before the car stopped. They didn't want us to know the location of their set-up. I knew we were still inside the city, as we had only made short, sharp turns before we were at our destination.

They pulled the hoods off our heads when we arrived at their hideout. They weren't too forceful with us, just guiding us to a locked room. We walked through what looked like a hospital or old folks home on the way in. So these guys will take care of the elderly and kidnap random strangers??? Seems to add up...

Glenn and I were stuck for a while in that room. We didn't talk to each other too much. I could tell that Glenn felt guilty, like it was his fault we were stuck in here.

"I'm so sorry Emma," he started again. "I should have known this was going to go to shit! Anything involving Merle was bound to be a disaster..."

I didn't want him to feel like this. It wasn't his fault. He's been a friend to me since we met yesterday. I was more grateful for him than he knew. We should have scoped out the street first, before I just ran to grab the guns. At least Rick still had them. Maybe we had a chance of getting out of here.

"Please didn't beat yourself up about it, Glenn. We couldn't have known these assholes were lying in wait..." I was rudely interrupted when three guys came in, cuffing us, and dragging us up to the roof.

The heat was sweltering and I was so caught off guard when I saw Rick, Daryl, and T-Dog staring up at us from the courtyard below.

Rick was trying to trade one of their men, that they had captured, for Glenn and myself. The leader of this group didn't seem amused as he had two of us and he felt entitled to Rick's guns.

Apparently, he had seen them in the street before we had gone back for them, and wanted them for his men. Fuck, we're fucked... They're just going to kill us and take the guns. I finally found people willing to fight for me and it was all about to end...

As they were trying to come to an agreement, I noticed that Daryl's eyes were locked on me. It's possible he was looking at Glenn, I had to tell myself. There's no reason why he could be worried about me...

My intuition was confirmed, however, when the guys started heading inside with our captors. He gave me that familiar head nod and I knew he would get us out of this.

We didn't know each other yet, but I could just tell he was loyal. Even after he couldn't find his brother, he was still willing to help us. He was quick with that crossbow. That would come in handy if things got sticky in there.

The men that had dragged Glenn and I up to the roof led us back to the room they were holding us in. They uncuffed us and shut the door. I didn't know what to expect.

It was set up like a hospital room almost. I sat on a gurney, cot type thing and Glenn was in a chair by the door. We should have been coming up with an escape plan but we didn't know how to even get out of this building. We had had hoods on our heads when they led us in, and had no idea how many of the dead could be surrounding this 'camp'.

Glenn was about to say something, probably apologize again, when the door swung open. I felt so relieved to see Daryl and Rick. Them and T-Dog led us out of the building, having come to an agreement with this group.

They turned out to be a nice group. They were just trying to take care of the elderly and wanted the guns to protect everyone. Rick had agreed to give them about half the guns and ammo, and they agreed to let us go on our way. We wished them luck in this world and left.

•••

The walk back to our truck was short and somehow relatively clear of geeks. There had been so many when we got here earlier. I wasn't complaint though. I seriously can't believe Glenn has me calling them that. Killing geeks with a nerd and a bunch of strangers... The irony wasn't lost of me.

Glenn was joking with Rick, asking if his hat was the real reason he wanted to come back. Rick just laughed him off. Glenn was always trying to lighten the mood. I had appreciated that about him. It was rare, especially these days.

Daryl mostly grunted along the walk back. He was annoyed that Rick had potentially given away too much of our ammo and weapons. Did he regret saving us? Maybe he thought it would have been better off leaving us with them. I really hoped not.

"Thank you," I said in his direction, trying to show my gratitude for his help, but he seemed to be lost in his anger again. He didn't respond but I knew he heard me. That would have to be enough.

Rick reminded him that we were left with plenty of guns and about 700 rounds of ammo. We would be set until we had the opportunity to scavenge for more. He would pass them out when we arrived back at camp. I was hoping to at least get a small pistol or something along those lines, seeing as I only had handheld weapons.

I hadn't shot a gun since I was little. My dad used to take me hunting with him. It was not my favorite activity at the time, but I was appreciative to have those skills, especially now. When we got back to camp, I was going to try to hunt for some fresh game for the group. Show them that I was willing to help and provide for everyone.

We reached where the truck was parked. Well, should have been parked. Shit... We had left it right here!

"Who would take the truck?" Glenn wondered out loud. T-Dog agreed, looking around in frustration.

"Merle..." Rick quickly responded.

Fearing he was heading back to our camp to take out some vengeance, we knew we would have to head back on foot. We would have to run most of the way if we wanted to get back before dark. We all looked at each other, understanding the risk ahead of us, and head out towards the group.

I was instantly glad that I hadn't brought much of my stuff with me. I didn't envy Rick for having to carry the bag of weapons or Daryl lugging his crossbow around. Good thing he has those strong shoulders to carry that burden. I had to cut off my thoughts. How was he getting in my head so much? I just met him and he spent most of our interactions cursing at me or blowing me off. Whatever.

We set off towards the camp, anxious to get back. The sun was close to going down, so we would have to hurry, but at least the heat had let up slightly. I had grown up around here but could never get used to the harsh humidity that came with it.

I was so grateful to have found these people. I had been ready to face this world on my own. They saved my life today and I would do anything to prove myself to them.

"It was no problem," Daryl finally replied to me as we started back towards camp. He had heard me. I gave him a head nod and a slight smile as we all headed back to the others.

I couldn't wait to wash this day off of me, get into my tent, and get some much, much needed sleep.

•••

A/n: Thanks to anyone reading my story! I appreciate any and all of you so much. It's so nerve wracking to share my work. Much love to all reading this!!! 💕

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strangecoded · 4 months

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Gender is not Therapy

Gender isn't supposed to be therapized, right? Like, I mean, I know people go to therapy to help figure it out, and like, get approval for gender reassignment surgery. But... I just????

I had this friend who told me once, when I was still in the very beginning of figuring things out, that "It made sense [I] was genderfluid because of [my] childhood."

Contextually: the only sibling close to me in age is an older sister who when we played pretend always made me play the boy. On top of this, my dad would always teasingly say "Yes, Sir!" when either of us scolded him. (Getting into my mom's cakes or pies before they were ready, sneaking around into chocolates when he couldn't have them, pretending to hide toys behind his back when we were super small, doing something wrong, making up silly parodies on the fly) I got called sir a lot. I was a child that scolded a lot.

But at the same time, those moments with my dad were irregular. I found myself alone a lot, regularly ignored and forgotten. Lots of siblings, have always had the sister from before and two or three more living with us at a time. When I was very young, we lived in my grandmother's house. And she... did not like me. I don't really know why.

She wanted a girly-girl for a granddaughter, and treated my sister like one. My sister, who preferred being a tomboy, being outside, getting dirty, HATED dresses. I was in every way her opposite. Loved pretty dresses, playing inside with dolls, looking pretty. Ironic that she always wanted me to play the boy then, isn't it? At that point in time, my dad was a trucker, so he was hardly home, and when he was it was clear who his favorite daughter was because she would eagerly do things he wanted to and I would drag my feet or cry on camping trips or car rides or, later, going out to the shooting range. He ended up getting a job after he quit trucking that led to me seeing him for only a few hours a couple days a week; my sister and I would go to school while he was still sleeping, and he'd go to work a couple hours before we got out, and wouldn't get home until we were getting into bed. He had a similar sleep schedule on his days off.

This is to say, he wasn't around home to mediate anything that happened regarding his mother, my grandmother. I was relegated to a second thought, a requirement that didn't need anything to be half as good as my sister's but still done so my dad didn't hear about it. And this... wasn't just from my grandmother. This was from my older brothers, too. The youngest of them 11 years older than me, and none of them willing to play dolls or dress up but encouraging my sister when she wanted to skateboard or play rough.

Disallowed from experiencing those things, I ended up pushing all ideas of femineity away for a long time, up into high school. Avoided dresses, never learned how to do my makeup or hair, wore simple, comfortable things. Told myself it was because it was what I wanted. I wanted to be invisible, I wanted people to ignore me, I wanted to plain, ugly clothes because pretty things were so uncomfortable, because they were more useful, because I was fat already and none of the pretty things were going to fit me anyway so why bother trying to hunt for it? The only remotely feminine thing about me was long hair, but it was always messy because I treated curls like my hair was straight. (spoiler: nothing about me is straight) But I pushed away anything and everything that made me... a girl. I existed in a vat of nothingness.

At least, that's what I was told.

I was told "It made sense [I] was genderfluid because of [my] childhood." without that friend blinking, because of those reasons. She knew all of that, had been there for a good chunk. She went off on a long rant, as well, pointing out all the above points, rehashing my life for me. Therapizing my identity. But that's... not how it works, is it? Gender isn't... a trauma response.

I lived under a religious rock, so I learned about nonbinary people in late high school. And I started questioning. I discovered I like being called "Sir" more than I like being called "Ma'am." I embraced freeing myself of "girl" or "woman" and found joy in skirts and dresses and nail polish and lipstick and fucking pink. But mostly when I think about gender, it's not a clear, immediate answer. It usually comes to the conclusion of "eh" because I don't... know? Or maybe I just don't care. Haven't... figured that part out yet.

💜

I'm done trauma dumping now. Guess that's that for this week's "What the fuck's up with my gender?"

#genderstrange #gender is weird #gender is confusing #gender exploration #gender identity #genderfluid #questioning #lgbtq community #neglect #childhood trauma #emotional neglect #improper therapy

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allysuunnnninwonderlandcx · 6 months

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2023

its been over a year.. a year and almost a month to be exact, since you last heard from me.

don't worry don't worry. I didn't kill myself. i am alive. yippee I guess.

2023 has been...interesting. here's the recap:

January 2023

I got a new car and got to go to mobile for the new year. it was fun but it also sucked. it was the first time I realized how different Elliot and I were. I was working a, at first, good job, and I had my own place with a friend's sister.

February 2023

I was deep in my depression and trying hard to cope with being an actual adult with bills, and was overly stressed

march 2023

It was a good month, I went to the beach with Elliot, we bonded..alot and it was amazing. I realized our differences were the same, but we had our own way of voicing the same problems we were noticing. I also learned that my depression was always there, and it affects me to a point where I do not think I can come back. I also got a new job

April 2023

I was working my new job. it was amazing. I started to really want to be my own person, but couldn't figure out how. I also got really bad ocd about cleaning bc of my roommate..she was not that clean of a person.

may 2023

alot happened here and it was a big turning point for me. this entire month was way harder than anything I have felt since my ex. I was depressed and stressed and was fighting hard to keep myself from projecting and worrying people I love. Elliot and I went to ATL to see the braves, and that Monday night on our way back, I asked him what would he do if I just killed myself, unprompted. he was shocked and concerned. that night I was going to kms once he left. I had an amazing trip and I loved and love Elliot dearly. but I think I was so far in the depression that it was hard for me to mask these things at this point. he stated with me that night, but we went no contact for a few says after this incident. a few days later, he asked me to get therapy and the help I needed or he was going to have to walk away.. I choose to keep working on myself and our relationship. I went to therapy that next week. Elliot and I set great boundaries in our relationship and it was a big turning point in our relationship.

June 2023

Elliot and I are doing better. boundaries are being met. I'm in the full swing of therapy, and feeling alot better, with some ups and downs here and there. Elliot went on a beach trip, and I felt so lonely without him. its when I realized I needed to make more friends and not want to rely on him so much. I learned that I needed to love myself and being alone With myself. Elliot also got ready to study abroad, so this would help. I also got to help Elliot and his sister with a Minecraft camp they do!

July 2023

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and the big one, Bipolar 2. welp. all those years saying I was bipolar as a joke became true lmao. I started go to a psychiatrist in the middle of this month. I also moved out of my apartment because I was drunk and said some fuck shit lmao. oh whale.

august 2023

Elliot is back, I'm finally getting into the full swing of my medications and I am feeling more...okay I guess you could say. we are really happy and he and I are doing well. I am back at home with my parents but I am working hard and doing all I can to see and be with Elliot. so far I am nervous and scared to tell them whenever I am going to his place or just going to be with him in general.

September 2023

I left my job and got a new one, the drive was my main factor. it was about 40ish minutes away from my house, and 1hr 10 from Elliots. I needed a shorty commute. got a new job, and its cool. decided to lay low and keep to myself like I did at my old job but alloooooootttt less. it also came with a whole 2 dollar pay raise sooooo hell yeah. 30 mins from my parents. 40 from Elliots. ill take it.

October 2023

short month. don't recall alot happened here. just wanting to spend more time with Elliot.

November 2023

its our birthday month. I also have been medicated for about 6 months from this point. I'm pretty chill now I suppose. I am enjoying life. and oh yeah, I did mushrooms for the first time while crossed with weed. it was amazing. 10/10 want to do it again asap lmao. I also moved back into a babyroom. I really start to bond with the baby teachers and have been loving it. it is more of a family here than the last place.

December 2023

well here we are. this year has been pretty amazing. I have enjoyed it. honestly..this year was my 2018 year. how well everything was going. now that means 2024 will be my 2019...the best year I have had yet to date.

I am asking for an amazing year next year. to finally stick to routines, working out, being energetic, being productive, staying onto of me writing and reading, and having people to hold me be accountable for once. I am hoping for the best year I could ever have. I am hoping Elliot and I continue to have the best time together and just work through all the hardships we could possible have. for us to both be strong individually and to mentally prepared for this new time in our life that is about to happen. I am asking the universe, god, and anyone else who will listen, to allow him to get all his dreams to come true, all his worries to go away and from him to continue to have the guidance and maturity he has. I am asking the universe, god, and anyone else who will listen to allow me to continue to be strong. for me to continue to better myself and let go of the things and people who do not better me in anyway. I am asking for financial guidance, mental guidance and anything else you could give me. I am asking for you to cast all my self doubts of not being able to lose weight, stay healthy, going to the gym, being productive and so much more away. I am asking that you to keep me going.

2023. thank you. its been something. until next time.

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ruby--chaos · 7 months

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feeling petty rn so ima rant abt my experience at my old summer camp i went to from around ages 8-11 (maybe 7? idk)

overall i do consider that summer camp to have been a good experience, for the record. there were just a few things that they probably should've done better. I hold far more positive memories of it than I do negative ones, but dang the negatives ones there were do stick pretty heavily.

// talk of eating issues

okay so to start i've always been a picky eater, and when i say that i don't just mean like the normal level of picky that a lot of children tend to have. I mean picky eating in the sense that it messes with my daily life, makes several activities impossible/extremely stressful for me. i eat pretty much the same 6 foods and that's about it. In 2020, I was given doctor-reccomended therapy for it that didn't really even work in the end. This summer camp was an overnight camp that spanned over a week. We wouldn't leave the camp grounds once we got there until the end of the week. This meant they had to provide food for us. Which is fine for most of the campers, but little ruby over here couldn't eat like- any of the meals they gave us because like i said earlier, i'm a picky eater to the point of extremes. When asked, the staff refused to provide any of the alternative meals they offered (which they did have, they just didn't give them out for "picky eating") which at first seems normal enough, i can get that. this is my first year here, they don't know how bad it actually is. plenty of kids have light picky eating tendencies, they probably assume it's not that bad. So then I start eating cheese in a bowl as meals, because they won't offer me actual food but they did have a salad bar that had unlimited cheese. I did this for the entire week. Just cheese. That was it. They didn't budge. Because the child who's been eating nothing but cheese for a week is definitely gonna be a-okay right?

the next year I go there, I'm nine now. Still the same I was last year. They don't budge. This time though, they have a breakfast bar with food that i'll actually eat that comes in packets. So I just stock up on a bunch of breakfast items everyday and that gets me through the week. Still do the cheese thing once or twice, but mostly breakfast items or what I can buy from the snack counter (mostly push-pops and skittles). I don't remember what I do for years 10 and 11 (my memory kinda dies there), but I imagine I ended up with this same system. And just- god, you'd think after you see a child surviving off cheese and honeybuns you'd let them have the alt meal plans you keep on hand but I GUESS NOT RIGHT- it just really ruffles my feathers thinking about it, I don't know. I don't go there anymore though so whatever.

#2 - was it normal to not be allowed to clap for people or give them praise when they do something?? Because that was a rule we had. I only ever saw someone get clapped for and it was in the end of week talent show with the approval or the guy running the whole camp. Outside of that, we weren't allowed to clap for/praise anyone out of fear it would make someone else feel lesser- is that normal? i don't know, it does kinda seems strange to me in hindsight. whatever though.

i don't know why i felt a need to go off about this, but i've been thinking about it for a bit here now and progressively getting more upset about it so here we are.

#vent #vent post

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pterriadoc · 8 months

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I went to the doctor this past week for a physical and also because I desperately need to go to therapy and that sort of has to get done through a primary doctor with my insurance, which is silly, but ok cool; did it. gotta get that mental health looked at 💪

To go into therapy they had a very kind lady who "connects you to the right mental health resources" which is great except she instead screened me for adhd. which. maybe. I certainly have crossover with some characteristics, and I suspect I'm neurodivergent in some capacity, but also it might not be "enough" that it matters (not that I'm not valid or w/e, just that in the context of my life and how I interact with the world it might only matter a little on paper and not that much in my day-to-day and I'm tired of overthinking labels as they apply to me because that's been my last 3 monthsish) the point being I didn't expect to be given the 3 questionnaires and the mental health interrogation™ that day and just wanted a referral ;-;

Anyway. She screened me, decided in the span of 25 minutes that I definitely have adhd, and I'm not convinced because she seemed to decide that I was a candidate and then asked me leading questions to confirm her suspicions. which. uh. is kind of her job, to highlight the things I'm doing that might fit the criteria, but also she didn't do anything to disprove her theory that I may have adhd. the entire appt was just "and in your life have you EVER experienced this or done this?" like if you've been sad (1) time in your life you do not necessarily suffer from depression. ma'am I just. wanted to get to therapy!

but ok, cool, still, now I have more information about how my brain might function and she still did refer me to a therapy group in the end, which is what I needed, cool! so that means I'm doing that now, right?

wrong! I've forgotten/put off/otherwise haven't had the time to actually sit down and do that thing. That thing that I have wanted to do for like half a year and been seriously trying to do for the last 3 months or whatever, the choose a therapist and go to therapy thing, I still haven't done it. And now they've emailed me twice and called me once to make sure I'm still interested/give me info abt the process and who's accepting new clients, etc

which seems like it should be pretty usual for the exact group of people that works to help the people who have trouble reaching out to mental health professionals/remembering to follow up/respond to email/find the motivation to get help/etc etc

but it is ironic to me because I'm in this camp of hey maybe I do have this following-up-is-hard symptom and I reach out for help and they're like "hey here's 3 separate reminders in 3 days" and I still haven't. followed up.

#tedious personal sophie #so I might. actually. have the adhd #anyone have advice? resources? in the meantime?#we're screaming into the void today #it's not that she's necessarily wrong it's that I've convinced myself that I convinced her #I have my suspicions! but!#maybe I just suck at sitting down and doing the homework man that's not.... that's not a diagnosis on it's own #right?#esp w add/adhd/that family of stuff #it's gotta be from childhood #and not a single time has anyone pulled me aside and gone “hey sophie do you have trouble doing homework? can you concentrate in class?”#so #it was just bold of her is all I'm saying #ya feel?

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hitozy · 3 years

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filipendulous ‹ masterlist › enubilous

𝐄𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥

"I did something really good, in an extraordinarily bad way and I feel like a sparkly piece of shit." Is the first thing I say once Connie closes her office door for our weekly therapy session.

I've been coming for the past three and a half months, never postponing no matter how I feel or what I need to do, because the truth is that once I pour out my heart and soul, I go out and get inside Kageyama's car feeling much lighter - and that's enough to motive me to come back.

I had been doing well, so so well, but now...

"Okay, alright, calm down and tell me what happened." I take the stress ball that she hands to me, and she waits patiently until I can collect my thoughts.

I look at her once I feel a bit more calm, the guilt spreading through my body just as it had done since last night and I'm a bit worried at what she might say.

But I also need her to know and help me, because if not, I might not go through it.

Kageyama left for a two week training camp and while he seemed worried about leaving me alone, I was ecstatic. I adore him with all my heart, but I had been wanting a bit of me time since I left the house, the house where I used to have way to much me time.

I thought I was going to be alright, but I truly underestimated myself.

When I came back from school, what once felt like a warm and cheerful apartment, now looked cold and gloomy. The usual lofi music that Kageyama plays when he's home makes a great comparison to the silence that invades the space now. The silence is too loud, too pregnant and I quickly pull out my phone to play it.

Cooking wasn't any better either, since I was used to making food for more than one person, now I have leftover curry for a week and its somewhat unappetizing enough to make me not want to eat anymore, sticking with eating one of Kageyama's yogurts instead.

Watching TV is a horror without his usual banter about the programs being to fake to be good and sleeping without hearing his snoring made me have to play a white noise playlist all night just to get a couple of hours in and not be exhausted at school the next day.

It isn't until the four day of him being away that I realize it.

I've never lived alone before.

I had lived with my parents since I was a child, always taking care of them, always helping out and waking up to their voices and steps.

Then I lived with Iwaizumi and even though he wasn't in the house all the time, he would always come home to sleep. When he slept in the guest room I could still hear his snoring with my door open, and when he started sleeping with me in the bedroom, the soft beating of his heart had always lulled me to sleep, his body heat making the cold go away. When he had to leave, he never left for more than a day or a week, but he always texted and called.

Kageyama couldn't do that where he was, there was no signal up there.

Laying on the bed, reflecting on how I seemed to just not function properly in loneliness made me feel very small, like a child. I said as much the next day on my usual therapy session with Connie, who gave me some exercises to do during that time.

Three days before Kageyama came back, I found myself standing outside the house that I had shared with Iwaizumi for almost 8 months after drinking half a bottle of wine.

I had spent a whole weekend repressing the urge to call him, my thumb hovering over his number in my favorites and now here I am, opening the door and letting myself in, knowing fully well that he was inside if his parked car was a sign of anything.

I saw him inside the kitchen, washing the dished he must have finished using for dinner and I stood there watching him, waiting patiently for something I did not know would be happening, but could feel it clawing in my chest.

The moment our eyes met, it was like a magnetic pull. We didn't say a word, instead we let our bodies take control. It wasn't until our lips touched that I realized I had been missing something since I left.

He pulled me as close as he could, one hand wrapped around my waist as the over one held a tight grip at the base of my head, tipping it back to a better angle and kissed me, no, devoured me breathless.

I didn't say a thing about what was happening, not when he broke the kiss to let me breathe, not when his lips trailed down the column of my neck, leaving hickeys in his wake, not when he carried me to the bedroom and took of his shirt, caging me between his strong figure - one I had traced with my hands so many times and still did now, relearning all of his body that had been missing from my own bed for two months.

I let him strip me, piece by piece falling onto the bedroom floor until I could feel his heated skin against my own. His hands caressing my body, igniting a fire that had been put out long ago - a fire I did not think would rekindle at all after everything that happened.

It was only once he was inside of me, that I finally uttered a single coherent word: Iwaizumi. In the form of a whisper, of a secret, of a prayer as he took me apart over and over until we succumbed into a deep and relaxed slumber.

Waking up beside Iwaizumi instilled a wave of deja vu, the way his arm was wrapped around my waist, his breath tickling the top of my head and the sound of his heartbeat beating under my ear. Every inch of his naked skin made me hyperaware of where I was and what had happened the night before.

I pulled myself up, to be at the same level as Iwaizumi's face and as I settled there I felt his body mold against mine, never leaving a single place of my skin without his, his hand that once had purchase of my waist now cupped my ass cheek.

I watched the plane of his face, from his mussed up hair that is probably my fault to the hickeys underneath his jaw, which are definitely my fault.

The images of the night coming and going rapidly through my mind, the way he kissed every inch of my body and brought me mind-blowing pleasure still very clear in my head and yet, a thought that I had only voiced out to Connie, a thought that came into my mind late at night settled inside of me. A calming thought that I knew what I had to do once he woke up and yet it also made me feel extremely guilty by all my actions in the past.

I softly caressed his cheek, "I'm sorry Iwaizumi" I whispered, not wanting to wake him just yet, "I'm sorry but, we can't be together anymore."

I kissed his forehead and silently cried, not knowing if it was out of relief or pain, "We are getting a divorce."

Kageyama Tobio walked into his apartment on the late afternoon Sunday, after spending two weeks away at a training camp in the mountains.

The last thing he expected to be met by was his best friend crying over a bottle of wine and strawberry shortcake, but at the same time it brought a huge relief through him because he knew what it meant. He knew she had finally gotten closure from Iwaizumi and sealed their fate.

So he didn't reprimand her about the lack of healthy food, nor her messed up hair or that she was sitting on the cold floor. Instead her brought her into his arms and gave her the only thing he could, he gave her his support and comfort waiting until she calmed down to speak.

He would give her all the time in the world, because she was worth it.

Sadly, Iwaizumi was too late to know.

He wondered for a bit if that was true though. He had seen pictures of the couple for years, he had always gotten the impression that her feelings were reciprocated until... well until YN came and told him the truth. He wondered if deep down, Iwaizumi did love her but had closed it off because of the other woman.

It lasted very little in his mind since his thoughts were interrupted by her sobs.

She would need time to heal from her wounds, but hopefully one day she will and she will find a man worth her time. Worth her love.

You'll fall in love again, YN and when you do, it better be someone that will let me go to the wedding.

"... And thats what happened."

Connie stare at each other for five minutes straight and I see a flurry of emotions and thoughts pass by her eyes every two or three seconds.

Once she's gathered her thoughts, she says in wonder, "You actually asked him. You asked for the divorce."

"I did."

Connie smiles at me, "YN, this is huge! You took the step you were afraid to take."

"Connie... I fucked up."

She gives me a look, as if she couldn't believe my words, "YN..."

"I did the same thing as her! I had sex with him and then left him, I feel like a piece of shit Connie, who does that?

"He looked devasted, as if I had just ripped his heart right out of his chest and was eating it. I swear I didn't mean it, I didn't mean to go to the house and sleep with him but I did and its wrong and I apologized but he..." I take a deep breath, "He just nodded and said, 'Its for the best'."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"It is... I guess I just wished that there was something in him, anything that wanted me back. But there isn't, there never was and now it hurts different. I'm not losing a husband, Connie, I'm losing my best friend and it hurts."

The pain has been there since I left the house and has yet to move out. I had thought that when he accepted it, I would feel calm but instead I feel like my mind is a raging storm and I'm the sole sailor out there, trying to reach a shore that doesn't exist.

"YN, losing an important person in your life is always going to hurt. I think your case, you're grieving at the loss of years of friendship. Of love and its okay to do it. Its going to take time and work, but you will get there YN, and one day you will see Iwaizumi or hear about him and it won't have a reaction, you won't flinch or hurt as you do know."

"And when that happens, what do I do?"

Connie gives me a bright smile that eases my mind, "You will live."

ephemeral | /əˈfem(ə)rəl/ | (adj.) : lasting for a very short time.

a/n! the long awaited chapters are here and i am so sorry to everyone. october is just... not my month and i tend to isolate myself during this month. but i hope you enjoy the double chapter and i'll have this weeks chapter up around friday. hopefully HOPEFULLY I can get myself back on track then.

thank you all for your patience, it means a lot and i hope you enjoy this journey with yn ;)

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

#tw: BAD DECISIONS #owwaw #iwaizumi hajime #iwaizumi hajime x reader #iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi fic #iwaizumi angst #iwaizumi hajime angst

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mamacleo · 3 years

Text

"We don't want to be doing this either."

CW/TW: Frank talk about borderline personality disorder. Can be triggering.

What did they give you?

Did they give you love? Did they give you respect? Did they give you support?

Did they give you abuse? Did they give you disrespect? Were you on your own?

If it's both? Unpredictable? Nearly random? And constant?

Imagine being in Marine boot camp. That for no reason you can grasp, either everyone hates you or you think they do. Imagine every expression of respect or support is suspect because you know it carries conditions that can cripple you. Because there is never any knowing if a good word hides a fist or a knife.

Imagine, too, that when you screw up, you will be physically hazed for you don't know how long, how hard, and it is random. What got praise yesterday can leave you bruised today. Or scarred. Heaven help you if they should get creative.

It comes with brainwashing. Always. Being told you deserve what you get. Your self-worth being dismantled with verbal violence. Always with the voice of rage. The sound of rage. You hear it coming before it arrives now. You are powerless to stop it.

There are no rules. There are no guidelines. There are no patterns. Any time, day or night. In your sleep. While you're eating. While you're resting.

Imagine being on guard for all of this all day, every day. Your amygdala, lighting up all day and feeding you nightmares at night. The constant short breath, the constant flow of adrenaline. Always assessing your surroundings in the vain hopes you might escape.

Now imagine that Marine boot camp lasting for twenty years.

How would you come out? What kind of a broken person would you be if you went into boot camp and it didn't end? Didn't stop? Worse than you imagined? You had no idea how long it would last? Every day, hoping it's the last, hoping there'll be a break, but there isn't and no one will tell you when it's gonna end.

Waking moment to sleep, then the nightmares. Lather, rinse, repeat. Twenty years. Maybe more.

Could you do it? Could you do it without committing suicide? Could you?

Would the Geneva Conventions allow us to do that to prisoners of war? Could we stand before The Hague and escape judgment?

What would you be like if you went into the Marines as a young adult and were trapped in it, no escape, no hope, and didn't come out until you were middle-aged? Two decades of this? Can you imagine this being done by the Marines and there not being a Congressional inquiry?

Could you do this to an adult human being?

It happens to children. Every day. Every, every day. By parents. Teachers. Relatives. Schoolmates. Clergy. Youth leaders.

The results of this are, for most victims, devastating. For most of us, we end up with this thing that psychologists tagged "Borderline Personality Disorder." That's what BPD is, not bipolar disorder, if you were wondering. The pathology of it is complex. It's brutally hard to cope with.

It's emotions ratcheted up way past 11. The best word I have for it is "operatic." Every cruelty is Carmen, every battle is Ride of the Valkyries, every terror is Don Giovanni. The pain, and it is an emotional pain so severe you feel it all over your body, is excruciating enough to make you scream. (At first.) I could tell you how it usually goes, but there is no usually goes. That's the horror of it. It's devious.

It knows you better than you do, because it's fueled by your subconscious and knows all the secrets you won't consciously admit to yourself. It will not hesitate for a heartbeat to use them to crush you, because believe me, BPD is all about destroying yourself. In your mind, you're just finishing the job the world started.

You're easily triggered. It can be anything. It can be nothing. You may not know what did it. It might hit like a shot. It might build up. It might come over you like a tsunami. Once it starts, you can't stop it. Not usually.

For instance: I have been showing borderline symptoms since I was about 11. I've been like this for 49 years. Only in the last two have I made the kind of progress to where I can now either divert or resolve the episode without the usual damage.

It wasn't easy. Though I didn't realize it until just this very moment, I used it against itself. I worked hard on this, obsessively, compulsively, for close to 40 years, and my progress is phenomenal.

All the fierce concentration, the operatic fears, the delusional thinking--I've gotten very, very good at it--and I still can't always stop it. I have strategies, but they don't always work. Every time is different.

Think about that. EVERY TIME IS DIFFERENT.

If you have not gone through it, you simply cannot imagine it. And the exhaustion. Oh, holy Hera, the exhaustion. You cannot imagine the crushing weight of a lifetime of this. It affects your physical health. People who don't have this don't understand, *it's cumulative.* And like arsenic, you can't flush it out.

The best you ever do is manage it. It's a life sentence. There's no escape. Your brain was hardwired to be like this. Like John Mulaney says, "We don't want to be doing this either." With work, and it takes a LOT of work, you can make it better.

But not everyone has it. Not everyone is strong. Not everyone is brave. Not everyone can make the right decisions. Not everyone can think clearly.

Most of us don't even realize it. I didn't until I was 58 years old and a shrink diagnosed me following a suicide attempt. How can you fix it when you don't know that it's there? Shrinks don't want to deal with us. We take work, exhausting work. We're hard to live with. They'd rather just medicate us, and not all of us respond to what few meds there are.

Now allow me to blow your mind.

THERE ARE TENS OF MILLIONS OF US.

We're "the weird kid." The dork. The manic pixie dream chick. The ones who hated ourselves so much it showed. That doesn't change. It never changes. There is no therapy, no counseling, no medicine that will ever get rid of that deep, tenacious rupture that is BPD self-loathing. The best you do is come to terms with it.

The stigma must end. It's difficult. We have a long road. It's only recently becoming known and there is a lot of fear of us. It's not unwarranted, either. People get caught up in our emotional storms and get hurt. Occasionally even physically. I will tell you hard things, but I will not lie to you: we have deeds to answer for.

Mine is managed, at last, but it still can't be controlled. I just spent a week in a particularly cruel one. And went into one last night. I got out, but the shadow of it will linger a day or two.

The best you can do is come up with strategies. That is something I can help others do now, and it is going to make everything that has gone before worth it.

#borderline #borderline personality problems #borderline personality disorder #trans #trans woman #borderline treatment #borderline acceptance

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