▪︎ Ep 119 : Khushi is back in his arms house

"Get lost!" Arnav is saying this to Khushi while still holding her firmly with no intention to let her go, again this is another scene that shows us Asr/Arnav duality.

And as always, it's Khushi who break their "moment" loool ! 😉

Look at the way his hand lingers on her waste !! 😏 He missed her so much already, he so wanted them to stay in this embrace for a few more minutes hehe!

" -What are you doing here? -I don't have any interest to see your face either. -But still you are here. Standing in front of me, in my house! -… -Yesterday, you told that you're never gonna come here! So, what happened now?"

Still very vulnerable from the fear of not being able to see her ever again, and knowing he won't have the break he needed to feel less weak, he will launch all possible pressure on Khushi to make her confess her feelings first !

"What stupid excuses do you have now? Everything is a lie I'm sure you must have made an excuse to return back" Here he's insinuating I think that she's deliberately hiding her feelings, and is trying to make him "childishly" confess first instead (the irony is that he's doing exactly the same). But Khushi only understands that he thinks she's so delusional that she decided to be back to try to seduce him in vain.

Arnav already is aware that Khushi isn't using him for money. But he's surprised when he hears Anjali tell him she refused their money in exchange of her help. Even when she needs money the most, to help her family, she still refused his money. She could've used that opportunity, but she didn't.

Arnav isn't just impressed by her sense of integrity here, he's truly touched by her not wanting to use him when she could. He used to suspect her to approach him, to try to seduce him for all his fortune and power. And I think hearing that she turned down this opportunity when she had a very legitimate reason to ask him for money, he felt a deep shame inside him for his past suspicious thoughts. His trust in her, at this moment, deepen a little bit more.

He realizes how inconsiderate it was of him to talk about money as she struggles to meet her father's debts. He must have forgotten the situation of her family at the time, being so upset by their separation.

That's why I think he asked her this new challenge : "Whatever we talk, this happen. That's why from now on, let's not talk to each other." I think in his mind, he has only two choices : take a break from their messy situation or to push her to confess. But Khushi feels so hurt by his words. "I have no right to have any expectation from you but now you refuse even that I speak to you?!" Both hate each other silence.

I think Arnav's intentions were to try to keep a distance between them since she won't confess but he was also trying stop hurting her with his cruel words.

Even at this time, he knows he won't marry Lavanaya. Watching the news channel, not only he gets annoyed by them talking about his upcoming marriage but you can also sense a guilt in his eyes. "Do you think that lovestory will suceed?" He already has the answer and that's why he feels guilty.

"I'm marrying you, not with her thinking, her principles and also not for her thoughts of marriage." He's insinuating that if he would marry Lavanaya, it won't be because of the same meaning Khushi holds on marriage but for other reasons : their compatibility and not because of love.

Arnav & Khushi similiarities : -both hate when the other stay silent intead of expressing themselves. They prefer arguing over not sharing their thoughts together.

Arnav & Khushi differences : -Arnav hurts Khushi by talking about money and statut. Khushi hurts him by talking about religion and his lack of faith.

So the crux of “The Debt”, our most significant take away from this pivotal two-parter, is that Xena and Gabrielle are PERILOUSLY close to imploding. See also: everything that is about to happen over the next few episodes. OH HO HO IT IS DELIGHTFUL.

What I think I may love best about The Debt (and I say this through the haze of years, and so reserve the right to find all new things to love as I revisit) is the way the mud slings EVERYWHERE. The final shot of the second part is and will remain *chef’s kiss*, but this is also Gabrielle slipping further and further into her own pit of despair and fury. I have no doubt we’ll be talking about this EXTENSIVELY as the liveblog progresses.

We don’t have to wait though, as we slam out the gate with this first exchange of the episode. GOD IT’S DELICIOUS. There’s the surface of course, where it’s Xena and Gabby squishy feels time, and I’m THERE. But when you look at it through the lens of what’s happened, of the things we know that Xena doesn’t, AND IT’S UNFETTERED BULLSHIT. (While also being completely true, which is one of the beautiful things about it all.)

What is the “everything” of which Gabrielle speaks? Well just over the last few weeks, its laundry list includes:

being completely manipulated by the ultimate evil

stabbing a bitch

impregnated by the aforementioned ultimate evil

giving birth to a supernaturally aging baby who may be the penultimate evil

who strangled a bitch

but in whom all (ahem) hope has been stashed so let’s not think about all that too hard

except when her wife didn’t agree and wanted to kill it

leading to the manipulated becoming the manipulator

dead ass lying to and betraying her wife

sending the possible penultimate evil down the river alone to fend for its supernaturally aging baby self

leaving Gabrielle with nothing to cling to but the faintest wisp of hope ABOUT her hope

which she may well never see or hear about ever again giving her neither comfort nor closure

AND SHE HAS TO JUST BE FINE ABOUT IT ON THE OUTSIDE BECAUSE IT’S ALL A LIE IT’S AN ONGOING TRAGEDY PERFORMED BEFORE XENA’S EYE AND SHE CAN NEVER KNOW GABRIELLE CAN NEVER SLIP IT’S JUST THIS FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE FOREVER

This is the “everything” Gabrielle is thanking Xena for. This is the everything she has to put every drop of energy into pretending either doesn’t exist or doesn’t matter.

Gabby’s keeping it together, but by the thinnest of threads. She can’t take much more.

So, of course, she’s about to have to.

the devil judge ep. 4: thoughts

i know i already wrote like five paragraphs of thoughts yesterday. well it turns out i had some more, though this post mostly focuses on what we learned in episode four, as well as other questions, and some analysis.

yohan and the fire.

the number one question we’re (the viewers) left with at the end of the episode is how much of the story yohan tells gaon is true. considering what we know, i would say most of it is, but likely there are some crucial parts are different. now, this isn’t only based on yohan’s cryptic, ‘i knew it, people like stories like this.’ 

here’s what we know about the fire, and about yohan:

1) in episode one, at the ending when yohan looks at gaon, he sees a fire, and remembers seeing his brother looking at him. he also remembers touching his brother’s face, with what looks like a teddy bear in his hand - which i’m pretty sure we see elijah holding in the episode four fire. since this is introduced first, in episode one, and is obviously a true flashback, i am assuming that this actually happened. however, in yohan’s events, we don’t actually see this scene. of course, it might just have been omitted between yohan crying and then him leaving the church, but it’s certainly interesting, especially because parts we see in flashback usually make an appearance when the full memory is revealed. also note that the scene of his brother looking at him happened after the fire was actually put out, in the blue lighting, when he should have already been dead - of course, it could have just been what yohan saw when he looked at gaon, or it could have actually happened. 

2) the firefighter. in episode two, i think, we see yohan looking at homeless people and checking their wrists. his motive is confirmed in episode four, when he finally finds the firefighter who stole isaac’s watch. however, the firefighter is terrified enough of yohan that he has a panic attack of sorts when he sees him and then flees, eventually accumulating in his suicide. now, this reaction seems out of proportion compared to what we saw in yohan’s flashback. yes, the firefighter is guilty of stealing from a dead person, but there’s really no reason for him to be that scared of yohan. he could have just given the watch back and run away, but he fled as if terrified for his life instead. this insinuates that the firefighter had a negative experience with yohan during the church fire. also i’m 99% sure that the watch yohan takes back is the same one he gave to gaon which is interesting for many reasons.

3) elijah herself seems to hate yohan. now, this could be because she hates him for leaving her parents there and rescuing her instead of trying to save them, but apparently she wants him dead, which is a little concerning, especially since they are uncle and niece and live together. her reaction is strange towards someone who supposedly saved her life, and it doesn’t just seem to be because she wishes she hadn’t survived, etc. 

4) yohan’s line at the end itself. this line clearly indicates that he told his story for the purpose of manipulating gaon. if the story itself is more sinister, it makes sense for him to share a version that would make gaon clearly empathize with him.

my conclusion based on all of this is that the events likely happened in the order, but that yohan’s position in all of this might have differed a bit, and not been as heroic as initially described. yohan genuinely hates the people in power, believes in the cruelty of the world, and has a reason to. however, he also benefits immensely from making the events more sympathetic towards him, which makes it hard for us, as viewers, to completely trust him. all i can say is that i hope he’s not lying entirely, because if he lied with the purpose of manipulating gaon and steering him away from the actual truth, by telling a story he knew would make gaon feel strongly about due to his own trauma and backstory, then that’s just a disaster in the making.   

gaon as isaac’s lookalike.

this episode clearly established the story of kang isaac, who gaon shares a remarkable similarity to. there’s a possibility that he is isaac’s son, but that feels like it wouldn’t fit. gaon looks like he’s in his mid to late twenties. yohan is probably somewhere in his thirties, but it’s hard to tell with men that look like that lol. there’s at least a ten year age gap between them in my opinion. elijah is probably in her mid teens, given it has been ten years since the fire and she was a young child then. still, the ages don’t exactly match up, and there’s no scenario for how that could have occured, so why does he look exactly like isaac? 

there’s also the fact that no one else has noted his resemblance to isaac. i can understand why the other rich people didn’t, but jung sunah spoke directly to gaon about isaac, but didn’t seem to note any similarity. now, it has been ten years since his death, and i think if people aren’t looking for similarity they won’t see it, especially since glasses change a person’s face, but the jarring similarity should have at least turned some heads.

yohan is seen to give gaon isaac’s watch. this is symbolic for many reasons. one of them, like yohan said, is because he’s syncing gaon to yohan’s time, another way of demonstrating how yohan is introducing gaon into his world, bringing an outsider in. but the fact that he gave gaon a watch that belonged to his dead brother who looks exactly like gaon says something else. almost as if gaon is transforming into isaac, or something weird like that. it was just weird, period, and yohan obviously made it a deliberate choice. 

gaon and yohan in general.

i already talked about them quite a bit, and a lot of other people have as well, but this episode really served. first there was the white vs. black, especially when introducing gaon to the corrupt world of the rich. the white coat initially protects gaon in a way, but he takes it off when meeting with the actual rich people, as if his kind morality is not allowed there, further demonstrated by yohan bodily throwing him out of his chair when he tried to speak up. although jinjoo also went with yohan to a social event, gaon is invited to the intimate gathering of the top tier organizations, given a seat at the table, with yohan basically wanting him to see things as they are at the moment, making him aware of what yohan himself knows.

there was also the scene in the car, when yohan jerks the wheel. i think this scene was super interesting because it clearly demonstrates how yohan is just. not really that sane. which isn’t exactly what i mean, but i don’t know how else to describe it, because yohan isn’t exactly mentally unstable, though he certainly seems to be. instead, the yohan of today is just a mirror of the yohan who the priest described as the devil. he thrives off chaos. yes, his actions as a child were inventive and clever, but it also demonstrates how yohan can and will exploit other people for no other reason than enjoyment. the live court gives him the opportunity to do this to the whole world. he has a flair for dramatics, he’s the gamemaster, carefully orchestrating everything and enjoying the results for his benefit. not only is he making himself popular, but he’s turning himself into a godlike idol, which is honestly blasphemous considering the fact that he’s a judge, but it makes a lot of sense when you consider the fact that he’s been called the devil, the judge robes look like a priest’s robes instead, he has the symbol of the cross on his back (scar), etc...it all adds up, and the religious imagery is frankly insane. one wonders if he’ll end up a martyr, or cast into fiery pits. 

in cast interviews, or the clips that i’ve seen, gaon’s character has been referred to as an angel of sorts, a ray of hope. this is obviously in stark contrast to yohan, who is darkness, who is gray morality. gaon believes in the idea of justice taught in school, which i think makes sense when you consider the fact that his childhood was likely extremely unfair: living in poverty, parents killing themselves because of debt. he believes in lawful justice almost as if he has to, to have a chance to change things. he doesn’t understand what yohan is trying to make him understand: that lawful justice will never apply to the rich, that fairness doesn’t matter to million and billionaires, because they can change the law however they please the suit their benefits. it’s funny because that is what yohan is proving with the public, that the rich can be brought to justice. i’m really interested to see how their views will change when they get to know each other better and/or team up. there’s a lot of potential there (yes i’ve said this like five times. it’s all i think about right now.).

jung sunah.

i actually don’t have much more to say on that character, but as she’s revealed to be the actual head of the social responsibility foundation, we’re left wondering if mr. seo is just a figurehead, or if she just gained power by controlling him. idk if this makes sense - is she in charge charge of everything, or just in charge of mr. seo? i think next episode will more clearly demonstrate this.

the public, the ethics of live court shows, etc.

this episode was by far the most concerning one when it came to the live court show. whereas their first case was something that was clearly evil and neatly tied up, youngmin’s case was a brutal display of the power of the public and what it means when someone has the power to manipulate the public. youngmin definitely deserved to be punished. i think it’s actually super funny how his argument was that they didn’t have the right to judge him, when he did exactly that to everyone who suffered from his abuse. however, public flagellation seemed absurd. despite most people saying he deserved it, there was also the vibe that most people didn’t believe it would actually be shown. however, when it was, you could see that most of the public was deeply unsettled by this. yohan’s cult was also demonstrated in this scene, from the people cheering. 

was youngmin’s punishment justice? maybe, in a way. i don’t think there really was a punishment that would be right for him. flogging would scare him, but it also ignites his anger. in prison he might live a better life than most, but he would also be kept away from people he could hurt, which is kind of the purpose of prisons.

the flogging felt very dystopian, but i think it also showed the danger of the live court show perfectly. not only did it incite people and their bloodthirst at being offered a sort of justice, but it also showed how people feel when confronted with a decision they chose. over 95% of people chose for that punishment to be carried out, but few appeared to actually enjoy seeing it carried out. it’s a lot easier to click a button and feel as if you don’t matter in the large scheme of things than it is to see what happened as a result of you and many other people choosing to do something. it showed the power of the public, or more exactly, how yohan was able to manipulate the public into torturing cha kyunghee and ripping her family apart slowly. 

at the end of the day, i doubt few (of the viewers, at least, though i don’t really know) were actually satisfied or happy by youngmin’s punishment. it might have been satisfying to see his court breakdown, but when it comes down to it, it’s just more human suffering. 

it also begs the question of if yohan will ever be put on trial. could that even happen? it seems an almost inevitable conclusion to his trajectory right now - when you fight corruption with corruption, the only thing left when the corruption is gone is your corrupted self - but i think right now he’s also building the public as a way to protect himself, which has proved right so far. it’s interesting to wonder if the public will ever turn on him, and what will happen if public opinion shifts.

When Blood Calls for Blood

Hmm. This was supposed to be a mafia story for the AU Season that @klaroline-event is putting on, and instead descended into the depths of blood magic and werewolves, and some horror. Your guess is as good as mine as how that happened. Anyway. Hopefully this still works for Crime week. People ARE murdered.

Here you go. You can read it on A03 if you prefer.

Warnings: Blood Magic, Werewolves, Necromancy, death, some gore but not a lot, discussion about sex but no actual smut in this.

                                                           -

The brandy in her glass was excellent, but she hadn’t expected anything else. Klaus had come a long way from the boy next door with skinned knees and paint smeared fingers. That it’d been nearly a decade since she’d seen him hadn’t changed nearly as much as she’d have liked. Same tumbled curls, same dimples, same charm that lingered like a second skin over the sharper, harder parts of his smile. But now, his thinness had filled out into lean strength and he’d grown into the shape of his nose, the curve of his jaw. 

Caroline hadn’t expected to like the look of him as much as she did after all this time. Had hoped some distance would dull the want that had once lingered between them. She also hadn’t anticipated the way his gaze could still trace against her skin with the same intensity of a touch, but now with a new, markedly adult male appreciation that hinted at all sorts of fun things. Dangerous things, thoughts she’d pushed away much easier with the naivete of a teenager than she was finding herself able to do as a grown woman. 

Klaus had never been easy to ignore.

“Let’s skip the pleasantries, shall we?” She asked once he’d leaned a hip against the desk next to him when she’d chosen not to sit. She didn’t know this man as well as she once had and she wasn’t prepared to be that vulnerable. Not yet. “We both know what you sent Elijah to tell me you wanted. I want to know why you think I should go along with it.”

A hint of a smile curved his lips. There was a strange sort of affection in his gaze which surprised her, in this childhood home of his, this house of horrors that had birthed monsters. She wished Enzo was there, to tell them if there were ghosts. If the rotting bones of Mikael beneath their feet still suffered.

“I’ve missed your directness, love. Most people are too afraid of me to try it.” His lashes lowered for a heartbeat, and his voice deepened. “And far too terrified to offer such blatant disapproval.”

Caroline gave him an unconcerned look. “I agreed  to this meeting because we were once friends. Not because I bought into the spiel that Elijah was selling. I walked away from this kind of life, and I had very good reasons to do so. You know that.”

A flash of something wolf-yellow glimmered faintly at the edges of his gaze, but she didn’t flinch. Klaus was dangerous. So very, very dangerous. Here, in Mystic Falls where they’d both spent their childhoods, it was almost possible to forget the lessons Chicago and New York had already learned. But Caroline had learned to deal with Klaus and his caustic mix of power and temper years earlier. A little of the wolf wasn’t enough to warn her off. 

Though it did intrigue her. Before, his control had been something held together by tenterhooks, his rage palpable. She had wondered if he’d buried it deep in his bones, left it to fester in muscle and marrow, but that glimmer told her he’d made a different choice. 

She was glad.

“Blood calls to blood, love.” There was something in his voice, a note that was sharp and apologetic both. “And you are Bill Forbes daughter.”

Caroline wrinkled her nose at the reminder. “I’m going to need more brandy if that's the angle you're taking. Thankfully, he only provided half my genetics, and none of my looks.”

The hard line of his shoulders eased, her words answering some unspoken question. “I know.”

Her expression sharpened. She did not like that he was able to read her so well. “If you’re not going to get to the point, I will leave.”

His laugh was soft, and unexpected. And it did nothing to lessen her mad. Reaching up, he briefly rubbed his neck and when his gaze returned to hers. The blue was gone, awash with gold and wolf. Inexplicably, her own tension gave, if just a little. She might no longer know the man, but she understood the wolf. 

“Elijah says you are well informed of my ongoings.”

She rolled her eyes. “As if that’s hard. A werewolf with the bad taste to be born to a witch, and who the poor manners of eating other witches is not, exactly, an unknown creature in the local gossip. Mystic Falls does so love it’s little horrors. It’s not like it’s hard to figure out where you’re going or where you’ve been.”

His dimples creased his cheeks. “That’s true. And yet, here you are.”

The implied threat was said teasingly. Caroline deliberately took a sip of her brandy. “If your wolf had wanted me dead, it would have made the attempt that when I was thirteen and tossed you three pine trees to save Enzo. If the man had wanted me dead, Elijah would never have sworn a binding saying this meeting was done in truce.” Her smile was sharp. “At least not knowingly. My magic is not kind when it comes to broken vows, and he hates me.”

His gaze narrowed at the blunt reminder, but his voice held no hint of anger. Just a hunting triumph. “I found Rebekah.”

And everything snapped into place. Setting her glass down, she stared at him. “And Elijah couldn't have led with that?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“He doesn’t…” Caroline stared at him for a long moment before tossing back her drink and moving towards one of the chairs. Ten years. It’d been ten years, and she understood everything those words meant. “Fine. I’ll bite. What is going on?”

To her surprise, he chose the chair next to her. His gaze holding hers, he deliberately tipped his knee lightly against her own. “Rebekah is in New Orleans.”

Her brows furrowed and her words were honest as she tried to ignore the feel of him against her. That sparking challenge in his eyes. “But you looked there years ago.”

That slow, thoughtful smile curled on his face again and she wished she hadn’t finished the brandy. “You have been tracking me.”

Caroline sighed and for the first time, looked away. She did not want to speak of the need to know he was still alive, to trust that he’d find some kind of reason after the death of his step-father. The wolf could have easily poisoned the man with its hate as the man could have destroyed the wolf with its rage.

“My father… the things he did.” Her words died and she shrugged. “I miss her too.”

They were survivors, her and Klaus. Enzo and Rebekah, though they were missing. Witchborn and powerful, they were the last remnants of bloodlines and blood feuds that should have never existed. Klaus, with his wolf and his rage. Enzo, with his affinity for the dead and his wicked sense of humor. Rebekah, the living embodiment of her mother’s hopes and wishes, but without the same darkness. And she? She was her father’s daughter, for all the Liz Forbes had done her best to temper it. 

“Then you’ll help me.”

And that blatant satisfaction, the roughness of his wolf in his voice warned her that he thought he had won. She let her gaze return Klaus’ face, and the force of temper clashed against his. She did not like being boxed in. He needed to remember that. “Will I? What I owed you was a blood debt and that was paid in full. What my family did to yours was terrible, but what Esther did to my mother was also terrible. There are no debts between us, not anymore.”

Enzo might argue that point, but her wiley best friend had been missing nearly as long as Rebekah. 

“You’ll help me,” Klaus repeated, unbothered by her irritation. Her temper, the surge of power that came with it, had always bothered him as little as his wolf had unnerved her. “And in turn, I will help you.”

“And what,” Caroline drawled, “do I need your help with? I’m perfectly capable of burying bodies on my own these days.” She wiggled her manicured fingers. “I don’t even have to break a nail to do it.”

That flicker of affection again, tempered by determination. He reached for an envelope that sat on the edge of his desk and handed it to her. “I’d have helped you regardless, but this might make things more comfortable between us.”

She snorted even as she opened the envelope to pull out a single sheet. “Things have never been particularly comfortable between us at all.”

Caroline ignored the deeply satisfied noise he made and looked at the picture. Enzo’s face, battered, bruised, stared up at her and she went motionless at the tangle of anger and fear that swept through her. “How…”

She’d looked. 

“It took finding Rebekah.” A bitterness in his voice she understood. “And once I did, I knew where to look. The scattered pieces of our past are not easy things, love.”

Mute with rage, she glanced back at him. 

“When the Witch Council attempted to end the feud between our families, they were not prepared for the realities of what that would mean.” His teeth gleamed behind his lips. “They were ill prepared for our families' hate, I imagine our cooperation never occurred to them.”

Caroline snorted. They should have been prepared for all of it. Feuding witches were no small thing. Though in her more charitable moments, she allowed that some things just could not have been foreseen. Not the fallout from Ester’s affair, not Bill’s jealousy, not Mikael’s malice. 

Rebekah should have been safe. They should have all been safe. None of them had been. 

“They should have done better.”

His smile held teeth. “Yes.”

It had been her and Enzo, who had held Mikael with their magic while Klaus had shifted to wolf to rip his step-father apart. Enzo, who had commanded the dead man to dig his own grave in the study Mikael had been so fond of. Later, Klaus had opened a bottle of expensive bourbon and they had gotten drunk listening to the sound of a shovel moving dirt.

It had taken hours to repair the foundation with magic.

Mystic Fall was full of so many nightmares. 

Her gaze returned to the picture in her hands. And something turned cold and brittle in her chest. “That is the symbol of St. Augustine.”

“Yes.”

She stood then and paced toward the window. When she spoke, her words trembled with magic. Behind her, the desk shuddered. She hadn’t been this close to losing her temper since the day she walked into her home to find it smelling of blood and her mother’s death. Had found what she had been meant to see. 

 “The Augustine Society belongs to the Witch Council.” Her fists clenched. “And have Enzo.”

She knew the Augustine Society. The horrors the Witch Council offered them. She knew, because her father had also belonged to that society before blood madness had taken him. And they had possibly the greatest necromancer of her generation, trapped. 

Fingertips brushed lightly down the bare nap of her neck. The touch was possessive, careful. An old trick, to anchor her. It made it no less personal. “So it is.”

Caroline closed her eyes. She hadn’t heard him move. “What did my father do, that you cannot claim your sister?”

“It’s a blood bind. I cannot break it.”

“No,” she murmured, letting the soft touches of his fingertips focus her. “You wouldn’t be able too.”

“But you can.” His words were lethal in their softness, coaxing in their delivery. “You're more powerful.”

“Flattery,” she said. Then she sighed. “But you’re not wrong. Still, the witches of New Orleans will never allow me into their city.”

They’d never allow Liz Forbes' daughter in their heart of power. The thought brought a faint smile to her lips. So strange, for a city to fear her mother’s blood.

Strange, but not unwise.

“I didn’t plan on asking permission.”

She turned to face him then, letting the window at her spine hold her weight and studied his face. Such arrogance, but not unwarranted. A full coven might face the nightmare he gave shape too with his bones, but perhaps not. Klaus had cut quite a swath through the witch families in the US. 

His mother’s perfect monster. 

“A blood bind will not be easy to break, not after so many years since it was cast.” She considered what it meant, how far gone her father had been in his madness. “I will likely need a sacrifice, and that is a magic I have sworn not to use lightly.”

“You won’t fall to the same madness.” The assurance in his voice was so, so arrogant. “I will not allow it.”

Caroline gave a bark of laughter. “You cannot know that, cannot expect to dictate such a thing.”

“But I can,” he disagreed. “I’ve seen your magic, Caroline. I’ve witnessed the price of it, the horror of it, and justice of it. Esther’s death was not easy. I know what you are.”

“Ester deserved more,” she said. “But we work with what we have. And I am no longer, sixteen, Klaus. What anchored me as a teenager will not work for the adult.”

Then it’d had been enough to cling to his wolf. To bury her face and hands in the thick pelt of his fur while she rode out the drowning horror, the unrelenting ecstasy of her magic, to let the sensation of fur on skin be the distraction from the siren call of endless power. The blood she wore on her skin.

She’d always liked his wolf. 

Blood magic was dangerous. And witches who practiced it always, always lost themselves. Caroline’s father had been no exception. She would likely not be either. Thankfully, she wasn’t just her father’s daughter. 

“And what,” Klaus asked lightly, eyes deepening to the blue of the man, something as dark as the working of her magic coloring his voice. “Do you need?”

Her nails dug into her palms and she lifted her chin. “What are you offering?”

Klaus’ head lowered until his nose nearly brushed hers, his mouth tantalizing close to hers. “Anything you want.”

Her teeth sank briefly into her lip and she sighed. “We both know how my father chose to feed his need and how well that worked for him.”

Satisfaction and a want so blatant and greedy on his face, she struggled to suck in her next breath. “Steven knew what he was doing when he agreed to join your father’s bed. He was aware of the risks. So am I.”

Her voice shook only a little when she spoke. “Rebekah’s temper is no small thing, Klaus. If she wakes up to me fucking her brother, I don’t think she’s going to be pleased.” 

His hand lifted to curve along her jaw, thumb brushing tantalizing across her lips. “Elijah can secure Bekah, once she is free.”

And Elijah would just love that. “So you are planning on telling him you found her.”

“Of course,” he agreed. “Both he and Kol will be needed for this. Even if only a mirage, we must show the world where our loyalties lie.”

Caroline winced. “They still haven’t forgiven you for not kiling me, then.”

When Elijah had appeared at her home to request her presence for this meeting, she’d almost hoped. 

“As they are not strong enough to oppose me, their opinions of your magic do not matter.” His jaw tightened. “From either side of your family.”

“Klaus…” She caught his hand. “They are not wrong. Blood magic is an abomination, not counting what my mother left me with her death. Killing me would likely make the world a better place.” 

His eyes flared with his wolf, and his words were near violent with intensity. “I disagree. Am I too, not an abomination? You protested quite viciously when my mother attempted to do just that.”

His voice sounded the same as it always had, when he spoke of her murdering his mother. Delighted satisfaction with a hint of growl.

Caroline rolled her lip tightly between her teeth. This was what her mother had never understood. What Esther had miscalculated. This tugging in her chest, as she thought about a world without Klaus. The way he dared her with his eyes and his worlds to repeat herself, to suggest he would allow the world to exist without her. The thing that had left her walking away from him, uncertain what lengths she could allow herself to go to preserve it. 

The boy who had painted her flowers and the man who understood the depth of what she could become, what she feared. 

But he’d found Rebekah. Enzo.

“You understand that if I agree to this, it won’t end with rescuing Rebekah and Enzo,” she said slowly. Likely wouldn’t end with her willing to walk away from him a second time, and the bloody future that promised. “I’m not that forgiving. If the Augustine Society was part of this, if they supported my father? Enzo will want them dead and so will I.”

“Oh, sweetheart, as if I’d object.” His mouth curved. “But why stop there? Not when we both know the Witch Council had to be involved.”

So much destruction. So much blood. Carefully, she reached up with her free hand and traced the shape of his mouth while he went carefully motionless. “It would be helpful, if the sacrifice had a tie to Bekah.”

His lips pursed against her fingers for a moment before he moved just enough to respond. “The Salvatore’s are in New Orleans.”

And that terrible anger, that thirst she’d managed to choke into behaving for ten years unfurled in her chest. “What a coincidence.”

And Klaus, whose monster knew her own, just smiled. “Isn’t it just?”

“How are you planning on explaining my presence in New Orleans?”

Mischief, sudden and startling, crossed his face. “The witches can hardly object to my bringing a date to Mardi Grais. The same as I have done for the past four years, in fact.”

Caroline blinked, and tried not to think about the twist of jealousy in her gut. “I am not pretending to be in a relationship with you.”

“Who said anything about pretending?” His eyes laughed at her but his words were serious. “Shouldn’t you take a man to dinner before post ritual sex?”

She glowered at him, just to be contrary. “No.”

He shrugged, unperturbed.“We’re still sharing a room.”

She choked on a sudden laugh, at how easy and playful he made this. As they weren’t courting madness and the wrath of the council as they freed their family. As if everything was just a matter of them going out and conquering their enemies with his teeth and their magic. 

Simple, really. 

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Caroline questioned. “This… this will change everything.”

Klaus lowered his head, pressing his forehead to hers and smiled, dimples bracketing a smile made of sin and blood lust that struck her in her chest. The smile of a predator well satisfied.

“Yes, I think it will.”

1, 7, 25 for the fanfic end of year ask :)

001. favorite fic you wrote this year i have a soft spot for take my hand (take my everything) which was the first fic i wrote this year! and kind of the first step back into writing creatively on something new that wasn’t the 7 year monster sterek fic. also my first foray into 9-1-1 fic and was just a lot of fun! 

007. longest completed fic you wrote this year the longest fic i wrote was my second for the year! so show me (family) wound up being around 16k+ for 9-1-1 which kind of burst out of me over the course of one 48 hour window unlike take my hand which took a few weeks to crank out. 

025. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read SO MANY FICS DUDE!!! i’m gonna rec a couple, some that i re-read this year and some that i discovered for the first time, all from a variety of fandoms. BUT heads up, you didn’t specify a fandom so it’s gonna be a little scattered. also someone else sent me this same question but specified 9-1-1, so i’m gonna reserve those recs for that ask. GET READY!!

and this, your living kiss by opal_bullets (7/7 | 84k+ | M) destiel; AU: college/university; john winchester’s A+ parenting; angst with a happy ending

only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet jack allen is just kansas mechanic dean winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen.

until, that is, a string of coincidences leads dean to auditing a poetry course with one dr. castiel novak. the professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia’s foremost expert on the poetry of jack allen.

note: i discovered this fic back in the pre-pandemic times of feb 2020 and i’ve read this fic TWICE since, leaving a lengthy comment each time. the poetry in the fic itself is stunningly gorgeous and i have a habit of reading it out loud to myself while reading bc it begs to be heard. this fic is seriously beautiful and makes me want to read all the poet!dean au’s out there in the world. unfortunately there aren’t that many so i just keep coming back to this well. i don’t think i can express enough how much i love this fic. 

lost time by ARCurren (105/105 | 350k+ | T)  bransonxsybil; AU: canon divergent; outsider POVs; original characters; slow burn

the story of a free spirit who was asked to give up the man she loved for a system she didn’t believe in and what happened next. AU after 3.04. 

note: did i think, when i stumbled across this fic years ago, that it would wind up being one of my all time favorites that i return to time and again to re-read? never. did i re-read it for like the dozenth time this year?? 110%. this fic is everything i want from fanfiction—it’s beautifully written, expands on canon, and shows me all the hidden moments the cameras never did (not to mention it’s historically accurate and delves deep into irish politics of the time). the first third or so of this fic is all about tom and sybil’s slow burn romance at downton, but the fic really bursts into its own when we follow the two to dublin and get introduced to all of the author’s deliciously detailed oc’s. heads up warning: this fic was never officially completed, though the final chapter is a beautifully written summary of the final arc of the fic. even so, it’s fucking worth it. 

misfire by mothlights & unpossible (6/6 | 28k+ | T) sterek; time travel; angst with a happy ending; alive hale family; magic; alternating POV

“the debt must be repaid,” she says, and it has the weight of a vow. the words resonate through him, ringing through his ribcage and the bones of his jaw, and stiles loses his breath and maybe his grip on reality because she draws herself upright and where there had once stood a supermodel-level MILK now there is galadriel’s much hotter older sister, a presence of unmistakable power in their ordinary, smells-vaguely-of-thai-takeout hallway. 

“oh shit,” stiles says. 

note: this fic is the first in the misfire ‘verse and i need you to understand that it literally broke me when i binge read these fics a month or so ago. i am a sucker for a solid time travel fic especially bc there are such few good ones in fandom. but this gets at the heart of it all by exploring the idea of stiles getting the chance to save derek’s family and taking it...after he and derek are romantically together in his true timeline and then actually dealing with the ramifications of how that alters everything and how stiles survives in this new present where he and derek are virtual strangers. everyone should definitely read this, but you should also know that i fucking sobbed while reading the sequel (which also has a happy ending, but really digs deep into the nitty gritty angst of the repercussions). 

map of the world by seperis (11/11 | 154k+ | M)  destiel; end!verse; alternate universe; canon divergent; original characters; slow burn

the world’s already over and they’re already dead. all they’re doing now is marking time until the end. 

note: look, if you don’t know about down to agincourt by @seperis, what are you doing with your life?? the series is over 1M+ words so far, the fic author is on book 4 out of a planned 8, and it’s fucking phenomenal. i know i’ve tagged a couple of these recs as slow burn but...this is the slowest slow burn to ever burn. canon!dean travels back into the end!verse timeline just as lucifer kills dean and somehow cas made it out alive and has to keep dean safe while he learns to become his end!verse counterpoint. the world building in this series is intense and i cannot recommend it enough. i’m still in the midst of my re-read bc it’s SUCH an endeavor but i highly recommend it to everybody. 

invictus by ellanasan (116/116 | 355+ | M) hayffie; au: alive abernathy family; pre-hunger games; canon prostitution; slow burn

“so then, before i can even think about doing something stupid like trying to stab him with his fucking golden paperknife, he gives me a choice, see?” haymitch continued, almost detached. “either i play nice like all the other victors or he’ll kill my family. i could either become his puppet—greatest punishment he could give me, according to him—or i could become the example.”

AU in which haymitch’s family lives.

note: hello, have you ever wondered what the hunger games series would be like if haymitch’s family were alive? i fucking hadn’t until 2 years ago when i stumbled across this fic and fell head over heels in love with this ship. @ellanainthetardis is my go to hunger games fic writer for anything exploring canon and i’m obsessed with anything she writes about the OG victors pre-canon (finnick, joanna, chaff, etc). this fic is just 300k+ exploring that world and all the intricate details of how cruel the games could really be. HIGHLY recommend. i definitely re-read it this fall when i needed a pick me up.

don’t know what i’m supposed to do (haunted by the ghost of you) by crazyassmurdererwall (1/1 | 30k+ | T) sterek; canon divergent; angst with a happy ending; ghosts; stiles POV

stiles sees dead people. yep. seriously.

(he’s got this. he’s totally got this. so what if one of them is derek’s mom?)

note: did you know that @crazyassmurdererwall is one of my all time favorite people? and that she’s wicked talented? and that in our spare time she’ll send me a billion fic ideas that are amazing and i get to hear all the intricate details of her plot bunnies? but i digress. this fic is one of my all time fave sterek fics i’ve re-read it sooo many times. there’s just something about the heartache and stiles’ insecurity and the way he tries to shoulder it all on his own. and then there’s alli’s brilliant writing, the way she weaves through a scene and paints a picture just so and manages to tug at your heart strings with her precise word choice. there’s some amazing world building in this fic as it explores this other facet of the supernatural that canon teen wolf never touched upon, and i’m so grateful for that bc alli is the only one who should be allowed to write about ghosts and teen wolf together. 

lagavulin and guinness by snarfle (10/10 | 163k+ | explicit) hartwin; slow burn; PTSD; suicidal thoughts; graphic depictions of violence; domestic abuse

plenty of people had looked down on eggsy throughout his life. he had gotten fairly used to it. didn’t mean it was fair, but he knew how these things worked. what really sucked was that the new arthur was worse than the old one.

“eggsy grimaced. he didn’t know how to explain to harry—who seemed like he hadn’t been discriminated against a day in his life—that the new arthur kept giving him what amounted to suicide missions, and that he was currently bleeding out in a warehouse because of the deliberately bad intel she had given him.”

also featuring: dean is harder to get rid of than eggsy thought, his mum is going off the deep end, there are way too many nefarious plots in play, and eggsy is really beginning to wish that harry would stop holding his hand and kiss him instead.

note: look, i know i recced this literally less than a week ago but i ALSO stayed up til 5AM re-reading this last night and it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. i was on a bit of a kingsman kick earlier this year, so i’ve actually re-read this fic TWICE so far in 2020. i will give you a serious warning in that this fic delves deep into domestic abuse through the lens of a variety of different relationships. it also explores the potential for abuse in hartwin, bc this fic is one of the few that actually commits to the fact that they’re literal spies who murder people. actively. a lot. but seriously, this fic is one of my fave in the fandom and i STRONGLY recommend it. 

waste of breath by bryrosea (1/1 | 22k+ | M) loganxveronica; canon compliant; missing scenes; navy; past child abuse

logan echolls, the nine years, and the navy.

note: bryrosea has an obscene number of amazing logan and veronica fics (her canon divergent series stay with me is another i re-read this year), but i’ve found myself returning to this fic a lot over the years. i’m a sucker for canon compliant fics that explore the missing scenes in between canon and this fic hits all the right buttons by diving deep into how logan echolls went from being a trash fire at hearst college at the end of s3 to being a decorated navy pilot by the movie. it explores logan seeking out therapy and making a life for himself that he can be proud of, all while pining after the girl who got away. and bc this author is amazing, she followed it up with a sequel from veronica’s point of view in the series done by only me. 

the law of equivalent exchange by awed_frog (8/8 | 60k+ | M) destiel; POV castiel; pre-canon; post-canon; canon compliant; immortality; reincarnation

“and what’s the point of it?”

“of love? there isn’t one. loving is its own purpose.” 

note: i mean??? i don’t really know what to say except that this is one of the truly most beautiful fics i have ever read. it follows castiel through time as he meets different reincarnations of sam and dean across history and falls ever more deeply in love. it is achingly tender and so ecstatically written that i die just thinking about it. and that summary? i mean. holy fuck break my heart why don’t you? i don’t know how i missed out on this fic for so long since it was published in 2015 but i only learned about it for the first time back in july and it was. life changing?? when the fic finally reaches the canon timeline and he meets THIS dean it’s peak yearning. 10/10 will read again.

ahead in the count by elisela (17/17 | 50k+ | E) sterek; AU: sports; pitcher!stiles; teacher!derek; long distance relationship; getting together

“yankee fan,” derek says, laughing when stiles makes a disgusted face. “the bronx bombers, stiles, you can’t be a new yorker and—”

“stop talking right now,” stiles sighs, shaking his head. “i can’t believe i still want to kiss you after that,” he says, pulling derek in by his coat. “this is making me rethink everything.” 

“i’ll never watch them again,” derek promises, and stiles laughs against his mouth. 

or: stiles is a starting pitcher for the NY mets when he meets and falls in love with derek. derek doesn’t know. 

note: i read SO MANY of @elisela’s 911 fics this summer, which i loved, and then she got into teen wolf and started writing sterek and i just about died. this fic is amazing, one of my fave sterek AU’s that i’ve read in years. it’s just the right amount of drama and angst and fluff filled with all the joys of miscommunication and character relationships that makes reading sterek such a joy. reading this fic and finding out eli needed fic recs pushed me to dive back in to reading sterek fics for a bit this fall so i can say with the utmost authority that this is one of the best i’ve read in a long time. 

i used to think one day we’d tell the story of us by notequitegucci (2/2 | 32k+ | M) gendrya; alternate universe—modern setting; outsider POV; friends to lovers; friends to lovers

9 times a stark encounters gendry + 1 time he meets the starks.

note: again, this is the first in a 2 part series titled love me like you do that explores arya and gendry’s dynamics together through the point of view of her family. game of thrones ended last year with a whimper but i keep returning to the gendrya tag on ao3 to seek out new, amazing content and also to re-read some old favorites. i can’t remember if i came across this for the first time last year or this one, but i’ve read it and re-read it more times than i can count since and i love it more than i can describe. i’m a total sucker for outsider POV fics and my biggest pet peeve in canon is the fact that none of the stark’s ever found out that arya and gendry had a history together. this modern au fic almost makes up for it by giving me a gendry encounter with every family member and then the big reveal. it’s peak content. 

theeeeeeese recs got a little away from me. i wasn’t originally intending on adding lengthy notes to each entry but ... oh well!! these are all amazing so please enjoy. 

fanfic end of the year asks

ffxivwrite 2021 - #18 Devil's Advocate

Continued from #17 Destruct ( first | second | third | fourth )

Gridania, 1565 6AE

Naturally, the first thing she did was tell Ezette.

It had to wait until evening, and after the girls went to bed, but the two of them collected into the conservatory- or once was anyway, until Shandrelle made the choice to move the plants outside. Drawn shut against the evening stars, the thick green curtains on every window spanning its several slanted walls blanketed the room into more cave than dwelling, and all the cozier for it in the orange glow of the oil lantern sitting on the end table between their plush yellow chairs.

There in the comfort of home, wrapped in a soft woolen blue robe with golden vine embroidery fringing the cuffs and a cup of rapidly cooling tea clasped in her hands, she disgorged the story. Ojene’s sudden arrival, the unexpected response. The threat. Then the mystery she brought with her, and her last request.

At the end Ezette sat back. The slim handle of her porcelain teacup dangled absently between her brown fingers as if she’d forgotten it was there, yet she was well into her second cup. Dressed for evening she wore a matching robe of scarlet, the patterned vines blooming to her throat.

“Well, that’s a lot.” The ends of her hair bobbed as Ezette spoke- let down for the night it haloed her head in a cloud of tight black curls.

“It is,” Shandrelle exhaled in a sigh.

“If you want to get involved… Do you want to get involved?”

“I’m not sure… I don’t know what I’m going to do about it yet, I’ve barely had time to let it sink in, let alone make a choice.”

“Of course, of course,” Ezette murmured, and with deliberate economy she poured herself a third cup of tea. “Do you want to talk it through?”

Despite the seriousness of the situation they found themselves in, Shandrelle couldn’t help but crack a small smile. “I’d like that very much.”

“All right.” Squaring her shoulders, Ezette settled in, planting both elbows upon the arms of the chair as the rest of her body flowed languidly before her, shins peeking out from between the folds of the robe. “Well- my first thought is that you don’t owe her anything.”

“Don’t I?”

“Of course not. It was thirteen bloody years ago when you saw her last. That’s long enough for any blood debts to be paid.”

“Try telling her that,” Shandrelle laughed dryly, but whatever joke there was fell flat, desiccating midair between them. “No, I guess that was the strangest thing. I don’t think she really cared about that- but who knows! With her, it could turn up a few moons later that she’s been carrying this grudge toward me all along, but then I don’t really know her anymore, do I? And she doesn’t know me.“

“True,” Ezette offered.

“I don’t know, I wouldn’t be surprised if part of all that was whatever old ire she might hold against me, but she hardly addressed it. It was all about what was happening now. And maybe if the question is resolved she’ll just drop off again and we won’t have to worry about it anymore.”

“That would certainly be nice,” she said dryly. “I know you’ll probably have already tossed this into the bin, but you wouldn’t consider turning her in, would you?”

“No!” Shandrelle blurted aloud. “No, of course not.”

“Then, I suppose we’ve got two options left. Either you work with her… or you don’t. Though I suppose if you did work with her, you don’t have to do what she said. You can do some other thing for her, if she’ll agree to it. Maybe… I don’t know, go to a few dinners, ask your father some leading questions- the works.”

“Maybe.” Shandrelle groaned. “My father. I can’t believe that he might be tied up in all of this. Again.”

“Would he be the one, do you think? If what she said is real.”

“To be honest… I don’t know.” At long last, Shandrelle took a sip of her tea, but the tepid liquid was merely an excuse to pause and think. “I don’t think it makes much sense, but then again- he did tell her to leave the Twelveswood. And now she’s back. It depends on whether or not he’d be willing to enforce that over a decade later, I suppose.”

“And who else would it be, really,” Ezette mused to herself.

As the two of them lapsed into silence, Shandrelle let her eyes close. Behind them sat a hallowness that throbbed with the slow beat of her heart, one that on another day could have threatened to spill into fresh tears. Yet in the maw of exhaustion that surrounded her, nothing came.

“Maybe I’m just scared, Ezette,” she murmured at last.

Ezette’s head jerked up. “Of what?”

“That it is him… but also that it isn’t. I don’t know, maybe it’s the whole of what this could mean. We’re happy now, or at least I’d like to think we’re happy-” In response, Ezette’s brow pleated and she outstretched a hand. Shandrelle snatched it up, clinging on tight. “This could upend… everything. And she said it was bloody dangerous, to boot.”

Gradually, Ezette’s fingers eased between hers, squeezing them softly at the base. “You don’t have to be afraid of that,” she said softly. “At least not for us. For the danger- if there’s more than what she’s said we’re going to have to talk about it. But we’ll be fine, no matter what comes.”

A deep breath chuffed through Shandrelle’s nose, and her cheek crimped around one side of her quiet smile. “I thought you were going to try to talk me out of it.”

“Well… I thought I was too.” With another squeeze of her hand, Ezette released her grip and settled back into the chair. “I’m not thrilled by the thought of you in danger, but- your work has always been riskier than mine. I can live with it, as long as you don’t do anything rash. And if you try your best to be safe.”

“Of course. Always- without question.”

“Then… do what you think is right. Just go carefully about it- and maybe tell me once you’ve made up your mind. Before you do anything, so I don’t break myself worrying about you in the meantime.”

Quickly, Shandrelle captured Ezette’s hand and gave it another firm squeeze. “Perish the thought,” she said, her throat unexpectedly tight.

so i’ve been following the presidential race closely, and i’ve been a fan of bernie since the start. however, my mom says that he wouldn’t make any big changes, as he’s hard to work with, can’t make the necessary compromises. the example she used was that throughout his senate term, he’s only passed 3 bills, 2 of which were insignificant. i didn’t think of this, as this is my first time closely following an election. what are your thoughts? would a sanders presidency make any real changes?

Oh dear. You really want to get me into trouble this morning, don’t you. Which is 100% not your fault, you are smart to be thinking about all this and asking questions, and by no means do I want you to stop doing that. So I’ll try to explain this as clearly and straightforwardly as I can, and if I get hate for it, alas.

The thing about Bernie is, which certain subsets of his supporters don’t seem to quite appreciate, is that he’s a great candidate, he’s been useful in pushing the public dialogue and political climate of the Democrats further to the left, he obviously inspires a devoted following, and I agree completely with all of his policies. But there’s still a gulf – a very wide gulf – between all that, and actually putting good ideas into political practice in the (very) flawed American system of government as it currently exists. Yes, the system sucks, we know that, and it can feel outrageously frustrating when moderate candidates are offering milquetoast proposals that don’t really get at the underlying structural causes of massive, entrenched inequality, oppression, racism, sexism, etc that these bright young people have rightly identified in the world. That’s why Bernie is appealing as a candidate, and while my primary already happened on Super Tuesday, I would vote for him over Biden if that was my choice right now. But the seeming expectation that we could pick Bernie, he’d win, he’d instantly remake the entire American political system and implement all his changes, and everything would be fine again – and that if we can’t have that option, just not voting is somehow better – is, to say the least, deeply problematic.

I supported Elizabeth Warren for a number of reasons, but one of them was that while she had many progressive policies similar to or almost identical to Bernie’s, she had tangible evidence of being able to get them done (see: the CFPB), to network and form functional relationships with the Democratic establishment, to work within the existing framework of party politics, and to actually do everything she had written her plans for. To certain Bernie supporters, this made her a corporate shill, a heartless witch who wanted to personally kill poor children, an establishment hack, so on and so forth. They attacked her for running in the first place, they attacked her for challenging Bernie in debates, they attacked her for not dropping out before Super Tuesday, they attacked her for dropping out and then not immediately endorsing Sanders, they attacked her supporters, so on and so forth. I’d still vote for Sanders in a heartbeat over Biden, and I will be happy to vote for him if he gets the nomination. But when you’re treating people that way who fundamentally agree with you on all your policies, there’s something wrong. 

And no, it’s not a touchy-feely “we need to hold hands and be nice and listen to each other!” respectabillity politics issue, which also gets used as a straw man. Warren was committed to Medicare for All, but she also recognized there needed to be a transition period and that a public option was a good first step (something which Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the other progressive superstar, has also said). Because she accepted any limitations, because she wanted to work in the system, because she didn’t say she’d burn down global capitalism on day 1, this made her a Very Bad Candidate, and people who otherwise agreed with her didn’t think she’d win, so they didn’t vote for her and turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m not saying Warren didn’t have flaws. She did. She’s a politician. There were other reasons people might not have been personally drawn to her. But the flack she got for daring to run as a progressive, while also acknowledging the power of the system and that you cannot uproot these structures immediately (she also planned to use executive power to implement some of her proposals on her first day in office), while challenging Bernie… wow.

Because the thing is, Bernie isn’t going to deliver absolutely everything he promises, and that’s not necessarily his fault. No politician in the history of time ever has. If Bernie somehow does get elected, with a Democratic-controlled House and Senate: great! Then yes, he does have a decent chance of passing some planks of his legislative policy. But there are several things you have to keep in mind here, and this is not “Bernie bashing”:

1. Bernie is not, strictly speaking, a Democrat. He’s an independent, he caucuses and votes often with the Democratic party, and he’s obviously running for their presidential nomination. But he’s not part of the party apparatus, he’s proud of that fact, and this is also a selling point for his supporters: look, he’s not part of the Corrupt Establishment! The DNC obviously has deep and systematic problems and is more committed to the bureaucratic status quo than uprooting inequality in America. That’s not up for debate. But as a candidate and as a nominee for the Democratic Party, Bernie would still need to have the backing of that system. If he doesn’t have it, that makes it harder.

2. “What does that matter?” a certain kind of Bernie supporter might cry. “They’re corrupt and rigging the election for Biden! Voter suppression!”

3. Pause for a deep sigh. Yes. There were long lines in many precincts on Super Tuesday. But voters for all candidates had to stand in them anyway. We’ve already discussed how some Sanders supporters treated Warren and her supporters, the ideologically closest candidate to them in the race. If your entire political ethos involves yelling at people and calling them names on the internet, that’s… not really sustainable as an outreach program and getting them into the hard work of day-to-day coalition building. I say this because I WANT to see progressive politics succeed and actually get put into practice, not just narrowly refined tighter and tighter into a certain tiny subset of Pure Beliefs that never amount to a hill of beans in anyone’s lives. You can have the greatest policies possible, but if you never acknowledge or accept any way to DO SOMETHING about them… really, is that a political ethos based on action and compassion or not? I’m voting for Sanders if he gets the nomination, and I’d vote for him if my primary was still upcoming and my first choice (Warren) was out. But I’m pretty fed up at how some camps on that side have been acting, and I am already a progressive. This… isn’t going to help build support beyond people who are already all in for Bernie. People who you will need to win an election.

4. The usual response here is often to blow off moderates and undecided voters and other people who are apparently just too dumb to see what’s going on. Yes! It is frustrating that half of America still wants to vote for Donald Goddamn Trump! But you’re still not winning an election and getting rid of him that way!

5. Bernie does, in fact, have a thin legislative track record, which may or may not matter if he actually becomes president. America has forgotten that the president is not SUPPOSED to make policy like a king, even though the function of the executive branch has been wildly expanded and bloated since W’s (and honestly, Reagan’s) day. The LEGISLATIVE branch, i.e. the House and Senate, is supposed to make policies, and the president EXECUTES them. That is his/her (ha, if only) JOB. But Bernie doesn’t have the kind of connections in the House/Senate that would help him efficiently mobilize policies, at least on his own initiative. Bills and amendments are slow, boring work. They require committee meetings, drafts, multiple readings, changes, deletions, hearings, final passage, etc. Ironically, the person Bernie could probably most count on in the Senate would be… Elizabeth Warren. And she’d obviously help him out, no matter what the rabid Bernie bros think, but it shows that party establishment politics, no matter how distasteful, are part of getting anything done.

6. Bernie’s plans to pay for some of his big policy proposals, such as student loan debt relief (which I am obviously very into) and Medicare for All, involve, according to him, levying a big new tax on Wall Street and the one percent. Passing a major new tax platform that RAISES taxes is always like pulling teeth. That would require passage in the House and Senate. Cool, let’s say the Democrats control both. Are all of them, especially the moderate ones or senators from red-leaning states, going to vote for it? Probably. But it’s not guaranteed. If you’re funding public policy by raising taxes (the one thing the American public has notably hated since 1773) it’s going to be HARD WORK. Let’s say that takes a year to pass. Let’s also guess that a President Sanders would lose either the House or the Senate in the 2022 midterm elections, because sitting presidents almost invariably do. Obama had two years to enact some of his policy proposals. Then came 2010 and the Tea Party, and it was, as a deliberate and ongoing GOP choice, gridlock central.

7. You think the Republicans obstructed OBAMA? Centrist corporate Democrat Obama, whose policies were solidly in line with the American establishment, but who happened to have brown skin and a funny name? You ain’t seen NOTHING compared to what they would do to a President Sanders. And as we said, even if the Democrats take Congressional control in 2020, they would invariably lose at least one branch in 2022. We are already figuring in at least a year for Bernie to somehow get his tax plan through. The billionaires are mad. They pour money like crazy into GOP candidates. Welp.

8. So this leaves us… maybe 12-16 months for Bernie to try to enact all his policy reforms, while being deliberately outside of the Democratic party establishment, while having to work with the House and Senate in a way he hasn’t really done before, and accepting limitations on his policies and his political ability, also not something he has really shown an aptitude for. 

9. So what? Bernie supporters demand. Are you saying don’t vote for Bernie, it’s hopeless! CORPORATE SHILL!

10. No. Not what I am saying at all. Obviously a Sanders presidency would be light years, LIGHT FUCKING YEARS, better than what we’ve got in there right now. But Sanders (and also Biden) are in their late 70s and have underlying health problems. The likelihood that either of them would serve two full terms is… slim. Obama is two decades younger and we saw how much the presidency aged him. I feel like they’re both flawed candidates in different ways, and my deepest fear is that neither of them can beat Trump, that the Democrats by trying to go for Biden, an Establishment Centrist Old White Man, think they’re playing to a “middle” that doesn’t really exist, and that either progressives or moderates will feel left out in the cold if Biden or Sanders win the nomination. The candidate will have to do the post-convention “pivot,” i.e. trying to appeal to those of their party’s voters who didn’t choose them in the primary, but is Sanders going to do that? His whole platform and the reason his supporters love him is that he doesn’t compromise. Which again, great for ideology, but runs into problems with consistent and actual implementation.

At the end of all this, the takeaway is this: yes, vote for Bernie if you believe in him! But also have a realistic idea of what he will be up against! There is simply no way that he’s going to sweep into office, even if he does get elected, and magically whisk away all the parts of America that we hate. He would have maybe two years to ram through most of his policies, it requires a legislative skill set he hasn’t honed, it rests on passing a major tax package that would be deeply unpopular and cause him to get pummelled in the 2022 midterms, and he has made a career out of operating as the lone wolf. Once again, it’s not a question of whether the current system sucks. We know that it does. But it still exists, and one candidate, no matter how much we agree with him, is not going to change that. He would hopefully manage to pass some of his major policy initiatives. But pretending that there would be no opposition, that it would all be magically fine, and that everyone who DOES raise a note of caution is a cowardly defeatist, a secret capitalist pig, a fake progressive, a secret Trumper (and we’re not the ones threatening to vote for Trump or not at all if our fave doesn’t get the nomination) or whatever else is… not helpful.

Ultimately, if we do get stuck with Biden, we have to hold our noses and vote for him anyway. If we can hold the House and flip the Senate, they can make progressive legislation and Biden is very likely to sign it anyway. The presidential system is not SUPPOSED to rest purely on the personal beliefs of the president, like an absolutist monarch – there was a pretty famous war about it back in the eighteenth century. Biden has displayed no initiative to act like Trump and be a megalomaniacal fascist overlord. We need to take a step AWAY from the insanity that is the current administration, we need to get back to NORMAL, before we can keep going left. Which is what we want! But it happens in stages, if it happens at all, and pretending that it doesn’t, that the only options are the Whole Revolution Now or Nothing, is never, NEVER going to work. And yes, Biden’s positions are generally pretty eye-rolling and I’ll be annoyed if I have to vote for him. But I’ll still do it, because he is NOT equivalent to Trump. Biden got the Violence Against Women Act (which the GOP-controlled Senate notably just failed to reauthorize) funded and passed. Trump has been accused of sexual assault by… what, 22 women? RBG isn’t likely to last another four years. The circuit courts have already been stacked with young, wildly unqualified, hard-right John Birch Society-type judges who will hold their posts for at least 40 years, and this has a direct impact on the kind of cases that are reviewed, confirmed, or struck down even before they get to the Supreme Court. Climate change, the end. There is too much at stake to fuck this up for the sake of Not Getting Everything Now.

As a final note, the Russian propaganda/troll machine has made it clear that they’re posing as Bernie supporters who insist that if Bernie doesn’t win, you shouldn’t vote. They know Bernie supporters are already voicing and disseminating that argument themselves, and they’re going to inflame it as much as possible. So that’s something to keep in mind.

Strangers in Court - Review

Did you know the ebook version of Rosemary and Rue has a new novella? It’s true! Time to see how Toby earned her knighthood.

Spoilers up to A Killing Frost.

It’s pre-pond time, so we get a good look at Toby’s other concerns without the fish trauma.

I hadn’t realized Toby found the new knowe while she was pregnant with Gilly - I thought Gilly came afterwards.

Amandine is once again a bad mother, and it’s sad to see Toby put herself down for being a changeling and ‘thin blooded’ and being ‘unable to be a good mother’. I’m glad she’s moved beyond this in the main series.

And a return to thinking she’s Daoine Sidhe and all that entails. I mean, it’s not a ‘return’ because she doesn’t know she’s Dóchas Sidhe, but we know.

A good look at Devin, too, just as Toby’s planning to leave. He’s just as interested in keeping the other changelings in service to him. Which we knew from Rosemary and Rue, but he’s been dead for so many books that I forget.

And it’s good to see Julie not hating Toby. Is she still alive in the main series? Do we see her again after Late Eclipses? I have no idea.

Interesting that Devin ‘let’ Stacey and Mitch go. Did he know that he wasn’t going to get anything else out of them and let them marry and leave out of some paternal pride? Or was there something else going on? Stacey’s not as suspicious as Marcia, but something’s interesting about that couple.

Wow, Toby’s caught on to what August will eventually see and what Simon already knew - they are pets, not people. And she doesn’t even know about the Dóchas Side, August, or Simon yet.

Wow, if she had known that Shadowed Hills was family, if Sylvester had publicly claimed her as his niece, she never would have gone to Devin.

Pixie swarm! The human station attendants must be so confused.

“I can’t imagine being happy about a life full of blood magic and knives.” It is a damn shame Toby never does introspection about her past choices and thoughts, it would be hilarious.

Bergamot and resin - whose magic is what? It’s not the false Queen’s, that’s ice and rowan. The wiki doesn’t mention it. Maybe the person who first found the old knowe?

Wow, I hadn’t realized they meant the old knowe collapsed like a giant sinkhole.

Hi Tybalt!

Toby running for cover as Tybalt falls into the sinkhole - great image.

So the knowe itself has a magical signature, and that’s the bergamot and resin. Interesting.

Fucking hell, Evening. She’s being crushed by the failing knowe. Did she plan to meet Toby for the first time by doing this? Or was this luck?

Did Devin know that the false Queen wasn’t Gilad’s kid?

Dawn died twenty years ago? But in Night and Silence, Toby said she found the new knowe the same week she found Dawn’s killer. Is she going to solve a 20 year old murder?

Evening never struck me as the type to mourn so much over her pretend sister aka her daughter. Was her mourning deliberate?

Maybe it’s time to bring back my “Dawn is Titania” theory, which merges nicely with the “Marcia is Titania” theory.

If Evening only knew that Dawn was important to her, then she would mourn. Oberon’s proved that one of the Three could stand among the Firstborn and not be recognized. If whatever happened to Dawn caused her to ‘reset’ into Marcia, Evening wouldn’t recognize the result. That would explain why the Luidaeg, who cannot lie but might also have just been mind-whammied by whatever magic’s keeping Titania from being recognized, said Dawn was Evening’s daughter while she was younger than August. Everything from the Patrick/Dianda short stories implies that Dawn is older than August and hasn’t just showed up recently. The mind whammy magic would take care of it.

What’s this about a token for every pureblooded death in the kingdom? First I’ve heard of it from anyone, including Arden and April.

Toby, don’t accept Devin’s condition on leaving. Just do it.

Hi Etienne!

Oh, kid Rayseline is so happy to see Toby. She could have been so happy growing up. Sylvester and Luna are happy to see Toby! Wow, how things have changed.

Toby, you are trading a life debt for Dawn’s memorial orb to try to dowse your way to why the knowe collapsed? So you’ve always tried to do the impossible.

Dowsing to a new knowe, ok. Hi Tybalt!

Tybalt, why are you surprised and/or disappointed that Toby’s willing to die to do this? You know how changelings are treated. You know how you’ve been treating her. This is why she thinks you hate her.

Where did Tybalt disappear off to?

Does Dawn’s memorial glass ball actually have any of her own magic in it?

“The ball could not, as it turned out, deal with sand.”

So who warded the beach? Was it the Luidaeg?

If so, this beach is nowhere near her apartment, and as far as I know, nowhere near Goldengreen. My knowledge of San Francisco geography is spotty at best.

Did Dawn create this knowe as a place to get away from Evening?

It is good to see Stacy and Mitch.

Score another point for ‘Toby wins by talking to the knowe’.

Not that Toby knows it, but I think it’s a bad idea to give a ball of of her magic to Evening Winterrose.

So she definitely didn’t solve Dawn’s murder. Why does she think she did? Did she get mind whammied to think of Dawn that way?

So Sylvester and Evening conspired to get Toby knighted. Did Evening see this as an opportunity? Get close to Toby to better figure out how to kill her?

This answers a lot of questions, but raises so many more.

The Psycho Problem - a teen wolf meta

I recently wrote a meta about the face-heel turn and used Event Horizon as an example to explain it, and guessed it was the source of the idea in Teen Wolf - I was wrong, it was Psycho.

Let me start at the beginning.

Psycho might be Hitchcock’s masterpiece, it is certainly the most famous and as famous as it is very few people seem to have seen it and certainly don’t quite understand the layout of the movie, because it’s very sneaky. It was written as a novel by Robert Bloch in 1959 and quickly turned into a film.

It starts with a woman, Marion, working in a bank where a client drops off a $40,000 cash downpayment, Marion, knowing her boyfriend Sam has debts, makes the decision to steal the money and leaves Arizona intending to drive to Fairvale California to bring Sam the money. After trading in her car for one with California plates she is caught in a terrible rainstorm and books a night in a local motel. There she meets Norman and hears him talking to his mother and when pressed Norman admits she’s mentally ill and he is her carer, moved by the story and wracked by guilt Marion decides to bring the money back. She hides the money in the room and has a shower where a shadowy figure stabs her. Seeing blood Norman runs to her room and finds her dead. Terrified he cleans up her possessions in the trunk of her car - including the money - and moves on.

A week later Marion’s sister, Lila, goes to Fairvale to confront Sam about Marion’s whereabouts but Sam doesn’t know where she is. They are confronted by a private detective, Arbogast, who has been hired to look for the missing money, he looks into motels to find that Marion stayed with the Bates’, Norman can’t quite answer him but tells him that Marion met his mother and when Arbogast asks to meet her but Norman puts him off. He telephones Lila to give him an update and sneaks upstairs to meet Mrs Bates where a shadowy figure stabs him to death.

Sam and Lila visit the motel and see a female figure who does not answer the door to them, so they go to the sheriff who tells them that Mrs Bates died in a murder suicide ten years previous and that Arbogast lied to Sam and Lila to pursue the money, convinced something bad has happened they drive to the motel where Norman carries his mother to the fruit cellar to hide her.

Sam talks to Norman at the front desk where Lila sneaks around looking for a way in, sneaking into the cellar, worried Norman knocks Sam out and goes to the fruit cellar to check on his mom, where Lila has found a skeleton in a rocking chair wearing a dress and wig and when she turns around Norman is wearing his mother’s old dress and wig and holding a chef’s knife intending to kill her. Sam has come around in time and is able to stop him.

At the police station it is revealed that Norman killed his mother and her lover out of jealoousy and unable to bear the guilt created the persona of her in his own mind who could do the things he wanted to without reproach of his normal mind, and this persona was jealous so whenever Norman felt attraction for a woman “mother” had to kill her and Norman had killed two girls before Marion. The film ends with Norman permanently “mother” and blaming Norman for the killings as Marion’s car [with the money] is pulled from the swamp.

So what has that to do with Teen Wolf - like most things it comes down to Motel California [306]

In the opening teaser we see Alexander Argent buy a newspaper with a date of 1977 on it, but the location is Fairvale, a fictional town from Psycho. [kudos to @auntpol​ who spotted that]

 We noticed parallels with Isaac and continued on blithely sure we had mined that particular hill until I wrote the meta on the face heel turn when I was explaining to someone else about how Psycho had done the same technique - introducing Marion as the main character and then switching it with the shower scene - this led to oh that episode has a shower scene followed by a god-dammit.

Norman, in the persona of “mother” who has no moral restraints lurks outside the shower to stab the girl.

Scott, roofied off his face on wolfsbane and possessed by whatever is in the motel and removed of moral restraints, lurks outside Allison’s shower but is questioned.

It’s a really obvious parallel and we missed it. We were so busy looking at phantasmagoria and the suicide scenes that we totally missed it. It was signposted and we still drove straight on by. We looked at Hotel California. We looked at goat demons [the gran capri means great goat]. We looked at Nightmare on Elm Street 2 which starts and ends on a school bus [and has a lot of teen wolf parallels with Jackson in particular]

Scott McCall is given a direct parallel to Norman Bates. 

Scott, removed of moral constraints, is directly compared to a serial killer.

Not can be said to be paralleled with, not it is possible to interpret the information this way - nope, they did everything short of having the woman behind the counter be a skeleton in a dress and a wig.

The “removed from moral constraints” is important - because Scott was off his face in this episode, and loss of agency is a huge deal in Teen Wolf [possession, sexual assault, body modification and manipulation],  but it’s also a sliding scale. Tracy killed her father under the spell of the dread doctors but she continued using her abilities for violence by choice. Donovan was out for violence before he was modified because he lacked those moral constraints. Scott’s moral code is one end of the spectrum - he has put in place restrictions and restraints that he might not otherwise follow and certainly doesn’t before season 3 and his “be a better Scott McCall program”, until mid 3a he was prepared for people to die and even to kill [Peter in s1], he didn’t treat Jackson as a victim but didn’t want Scott to kill him because he had a plan with Deaton to use Jackson to remove Derek and Gerard from his own life.

In 3a Scott puts in place a “moral code” that is not in his nature and that he takes very little manipulation to slip from, and it is a “moral code” that he cannot uphold but refuses to change until it becomes as dangerous as having none. In 6b he is willing to sacrifice two kids for his own life and that is a very amoral thing to do, it might be absolute naivete that he thinks that they will not kill them [which is stupid] but with a moral code that contains no killing you can’t allow other people to kill for you.

Ned Stark at the start of Game of Thrones commits an execution himself because he thinks that the weight of the decision he made should be on his hands. 

I do still think the bait and switch over who is the “hero” is from Event Horizon, I do think that’s deliberate I just think we were absolutely given this parallel so we wouldn’t miss it, so we’d recognise Scott is again and again compared to villains. 

I often complain Teen Wolf is too subtle with it’s signposting - but then they put a great big neon sign over their main and we’re too busy looking at the pattern on someone’s shirt to notice it.

HPHM Profile: Carewyn Cromwell

<<<updated: 12/6/2020 // original template by @hogwarts-misery >>>

“I can’t just live my life however I want! Maybe I want to — sometimes I want to — sometimes I want to so much that I think of just saying ‘forget the Cursed Vaults! Forget about R and their death threats and the fear and the not-knowing-what’s-coming!’ But...I can’t. As long as Jacob is out there — as long as I don’t know whether he’s alive or dead — whether he needs my help or not — how can I put myself first?! How can I justify chasing the Quidditch Cup, or joining the Dueling Club, or singing in the Frog Choir, when anything great I might do won’t mean a thing, without my brother there cheering me on whether I win or lose!? How can I fight for my dreams...while not knowing if Jacob will be able to share them with me? What sort of person would I be? What sort of disgusting — selfish — cowardly — terrible person would I be, if I abandoned him!? How could I face my mum again — face myself again — if I just threw my brother away?!”

[PROFILE]

NAME | Carewyn Lane Cromwell

NICKNAMES | Carey (by her friends, especially Bill, Charlie, and Tonks); Winnie (by her mother); Pip, Pippa (by Jacob); Cursebreaker (by Andre) [Note: In AUs, Jacob calls Carewyn “Wyn” instead of Pip, as “Pippa” is a reference to the Robert Browning poem “Pippa Passes,” which often doesn’t exist in other universes. XD]

GENDER | Female (cisgender)

SEXUAL / ROMANTIC ORIENTATION | Asexual / Panromantic

[PERSONALITY]

In some ways, Carewyn is an ideal heroine. A bright, compassionate girl, she often finds herself drawn to those less confident than her and feels the urge to protect and take care of them. Even when she was very little, she ended up “mothering” her older brother Jacob by encouraging him to eat and sleep more and offering advice, just as much as he often “fathered” her by inspiring her and shielding her from any perceived threats. But don’t mistake this young Cursebreaker for a saint -- Carewyn actually is an incredibly proud person who protects her fragile, sensitive heart with a hard shell of seemingly unbreakable confidence and cool insight. There is nothing she hates more than showing her insecurities and fears, and so she does her best to always look her best and put her best face forward no matter what, even around the people she cares about. This means that almost none of her many friends have any idea about the demons Carewyn is secretly fighting in her pursuit of the Cursed Vaults and her brother. Carewyn dresses the part for whatever situation she’s in, and she always feels most comfortable when she feels in control and believes she has the moral high ground -- admittedly her moral compass is pretty strong on its own, but she also buries any more selfish and meaner feelings she has as deep as she can, pushing herself to be the best, most moral person she can be, even if it’s difficult for her. She wants to be everything that everyone needs, and unfortunately that can result in Carewyn setting standards that are way too high for herself and secretly resenting and berating herself whenever she falls short, or worse not even participating in something she thinks she can’t put all of herself into or wouldn’t do well in. Her self-loathing is so strong that when something traumatic happens to her (such as Jacob’s disappearance or the death of Redacted), she can suffer from severe spells of depression where she neglects her own well-being and as a consequence forcibly removes herself from the people around her so as not to let others see her in such a terrible state. Because of her own high standards for herself, as well, Carewyn also can be judgmental of others, not being prone to change her mind about a person easily. When backed into a corner, Carewyn can freeze up, but when her own self-preservation or her loved ones are threatened, she can bite back really hard, though she’ll almost always regret losing control after the fact. Carewyn has a very organized mind and works best when she has a plan and knows where she’s going at any given time -- ambiguity and mystery are not this girl’s friends. This sadly can result in her being a real stick in the mud, which makes her an easy target for pranks and mischief. Fortunately, despite her overly serious attitude, Carewyn has a nice dry sense of humor and is a very passionate, driven person. In her fifth year, she was even made a Prefect largely due to her protective, nurturing instincts, though it’s good to note that that doesn’t make her a rule follower. Carewyn only respects rules and the people enforcing them if they have earned her respect and she sees the reasoning behind them. If there’s one thing Carewyn can’t stand, it’s condescension. Carewyn’s core interests are singing (her favorite wizard band is the Weird Sisters and her favorite Muggle band is the Eurythmics), Charms, magical history, and magical creatures.

[BIOGRAPHY]

DATE OF BIRTH | August 29, 1973 (Virgo)

BLOOD STATUS | Half-Blood

FAMILY INFO | Carewyn is the second child and only daughter of Evan Bach and Lane Cromwell. Carewyn’s mother Lane alienated her parents, younger brother, and older sisters -- a well-respected, but very overbearing magical family called the Cromwells -- upon moving to Wales and marrying Evan, who was a Muggle. Unfortunately Evan and Lane’s marriage took a turn for the worse after Jacob was born. Jacob’s magical abilities peeked through at an early age and were interpreted by Evan as deliberate misbehavior despite Lane’s best attempts to diffuse any tension. Nine years into their marriage, Evan and Lane were surprised by a late addition to the family -- their daughter, Carewyn. Rather than bringing Evan and Lane closer together, however, Carewyn’s arrival only seemed to drive Evan further away, as he already had had no instincts about how to be a father to Jacob and felt even less sure about how to raise a daughter. Deciding it was better to give up and just let Lane do what was best rather than mess up, Evan withdrew from Carewyn almost completely, leaving Lane and even his son Jacob to look after her. Fortunately Jacob, an nine-year-old boy at the time of Carewyn’s birth, adored his little sister immediately and went out of his way to coddle and protect her however he could. When Jacob turned 11 and received his Hogwarts letter, Lane was finally allowed by law to tell Evan about her magical heritage and the Wizarding World, but by that point, Evan and Lane’s marriage was so rocky that the revelation finally made it buckle and fall apart. Evan left his family that very night, leaving Lane heartbroken. Knowing her family would insist upon her returning to their estate in Yorkshire if she went to them for financial help, Lane instead charted out alone and raised her two children completely on her own while working as a magical historian and Runes expert. Although Lane, Jacob, and Carewyn lived in poverty for almost all of Jacob’s school career and Carewyn’s childhood, the Cromwells managed to dig their way out of debt a year before Jacob disappeared, now sitting on the perimeter of “lower-middle class.”

MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE | INFJ “The Advocate”

[MAGICAL ABILITIES]

WAND | Hornbeam and dragon heartstring, 11 inches, inflexible (broken by Rakepick) // Laurel and phoenix feather, 12 inches, unyielding (nicknamed her “Excalibur wand”)

BOGGART | Voldemort [Carewyn’s greatest fear is a threat she has no hope of overcoming, fighting, escaping, or controlling...which, yeah, is Voldemort in a nutshell!]

ANIMAGUS FORM (IF ANY) | Robin

PATRONUS | Abraxan Winged Horse

[AFFILIATION]

HOUSE | Slytherin

QUIDDITCH POSITION (IF ANY) | She prefers playing Chaser in Quidditch friendlies, but she’s been reluctant to commit to the Slytherin team due to her extreme focus on finding her brother and fear of letting Orion and the others down.

PREFECT? | Yup!

[ACADEMICS]

BEST CLASS(ES) | Charms, Care of Magical Creatures, History of Magic (thanks to her mum!)

WORST CLASS(ES) | Transfiguration, Divination

OWL SCORES | 

Charms - O

Transfiguration - O

Potions - O

Herbology - O

History of Magic - O

Care of Magical Creatures - O 

Defense Against the Dark Arts - O

[RELATIONSHIPS]

PARTNERS |

Andre — In the beginning, Carewyn was completely and totally dedicated romantically to Andre, having attended the Celestial Ball and gone on two dates with him. In the darkest part of her heart, though she was a bit afraid that she wouldn’t be “exciting” enough for Andre in the long term, given that he’s always been quite popular and outgoing and she’s only really gotten any esteem at Hogwarts for being a Cursebreaker, which she didn’t really ever want to be. Add onto this some tension brought on by the All-Wizard Tournament where Andre got so obsessed with winning that he took help from his girlfriend and then flat-out didn’t even consider helping her in return and Carewyn’s severe trust issues, and soon the two had a lot of trouble communicating properly. When times were good, they had a lot of fun together, but if they ever weren’t, the two just couldn’t seem to connect and fix it as a team. Not long after the All-Wizard Tournament, Carewyn finally told Andre she needed a break, and after a talk, they decided it was better to end their romantic relationship and try just being friends again. Despite the break-up, they both remain incredibly fond of each other and respect each other deeply.

Chiara — In the beginning of my game-playing journey, I had considered matching Carewyn with Chiara in the long-term. Ever since they first met, Carewyn has both identified with and greatly admired Chiara. Even if Chiara has had such a rough life, she remains ever gentle, kind, and forgiving -- everything, in essence, that Carewyn wants and tries to be -- all without seemingly even trying. She’s never expected anything from Carewyn, no matter how big her reputation as a Cursebreaker has grown, and is always supportive of her choices. She even wants to Heal others, even if her werewolf form is so hell-bent on destruction and harm. Chiara, meanwhile, identifies with and admires Carewyn just as much for her nurturing, sensitive heart, and thinks she’s one of the bravest people she knows. She understands Carewyn’s self-loathing from a first-hand perspective since she struggles with it herself, but she can’t understand it in the sense that she sees Carewyn as a truly wonderful, strong person who should be able to love herself just as much as she loves others. Carewyn frequently spends time with Chiara in her Animagus form during the full moon to keep her company, singing sweet songs to brighten her darker nights. A Chiara/Carewyn ending would’ve been what I considered the “Peaceful” ending, AKA the “Soft uwu” ending -- but it also sort of struck me that the two’s personalities and demons were similar enough that there wouldn’t be as much chance for growth for both of them, and there wouldn’t be as much action or engaging contrast in their interactions, as they would both be pretty universally supportive of each other except when they’re blocking the other out “for their own good.” Even if Carewyn doesn’t end up with Chiara romantically, though, she cherishes her as a friend and would do anything to make her happy.

Diego —  This option sort of came out of nowhere, but quickly developed from a crackship into a genuine ship for me, given that like Chiara, Diego would be able to bring some sunlight into Carewyn’s life and be a dependable partner who wouldn’t put high expectations on Carewyn’s shoulders. As for Carewyn, she finds Diego’s flirting absolutely hysterical. Part of this is because Carewyn herself is asexual, but she also just isn’t the sort to actively “flirt” with people. Funnily enough, however, Diego’s charm does end up endearing him to Carewyn anyway, though not for the reason it might charm others! Although she does find his behavior funny, she can still tell he’s sincerely trying to compliment the people he’s talking to, and he’s also amazingly modest despite his clear talent at wizard dueling. Add onto this that he likes dancing, and music-loving!Carewyn has found he’s an all-around pretty fun guy to spend time with. Diego also isn’t turned off in the slightest by Carewyn finding amusement in his flirting, either -- if anything, he finds it rather endearing, as Carewyn is usually so serious and he thinks she should laugh more often. A Diego/Carewyn ending would’ve been what I considered the “Fun” ending, AKA the “Romcom” ending -- but it also felt as though it was an ending that could only come to be and work well in peaceful times, with Diego not being as well-equipped in dealing with Carewyn’s darker spells or in dealing with more serious issues or deep heart-to-heart conversations.

Orion — This, after a lot of deliberation, is the final end-game ship I’ve decided for Carewyn post-Second-Wizarding-War. Orion really wasn’t what Carewyn expected out of a Quidditch captain when they first met in her third year and his fourth, but being related to two Ravenclaws, she actually finds his vague, philosophical bent kind of refreshing. It can still frustrate her sometimes due to her desire to plan ahead, but she sees how his off-kilter affect keeps others on their toes and, therefore, can shift control over a situation his way. (Rather appropriate display of cleverness, for a Slytherin.) Learning his backstory prompts a lot of empathy from Carewyn as well, given that she also didn’t have any real friends before attending Hogwarts, and she greatly admires how wise Orion has become both about himself and about life, even after going through what he’s gone through. After being on his team for that short time, Carewyn’s developed a lot of respect for Orion, and even after leaving, she’s remained very supportive of her house team and especially of Orion as their leader. Even if Carewyn’s not on the team, she keeps up with Quidditch not just out of love for the sport, but because of her desire to see Orion’s team do well. As for Orion, he got the sense they were kindred spirits ever since they first played side-by-side in the match against Hufflepuff and quietly laments that she’s never been a permanent member of his team. He frequently cites that Carewyn has “more fire than a Firecrab” -- although he can find it a bit overpowering at times, her passion was the thing that first sparked his interest in her, and over the years, Orion has come to see her as an equal, admiring her not just for that passion, but for her determination, courage, and selflessness. Orion and Carewyn are also both incredibly insightful, thoughtful, sensitive people who have the tendency to “create a family” out of their friends that they support and nurture in an almost parental manner. After Carewyn left the Slytherin team after the match against Hufflepuff, Orion attempted to persuade Carewyn to rejoin several times over the years due to his lingering fondness for her, even though he’s always respected her decision not to. It’s only after Carewyn returns to the team to help Slytherin win the Quidditch Cup for the first time in ten years and gets injured in the process that Orion learns that he and Carewyn have the same Patronus -- an Abraxan Winged Horse -- which, according to the old wives’ tale, suggests that they are soul mates. By then, however, Orion is set to graduate within weeks and he knows that Carewyn’s life is of course consumed with dealing with the Vaults. And so he decides not to pursue the chance of a relationship solely based on a superstition, however much he regrets his lack of action later. As adults, the two reconnect after the end of the Second Wizarding War and an unconventional romance starts between the two. This endgame ship gives Carewyn both things I wanted for her while shipping Chiara/Carewyn and Diego/Carewyn -- peace and fun -- while also matching her with someone who can bring some balance and positivity to her life and help her let go of her inner demons and yet who she can also defend, protect, and love with all of her fire. And because of their differences -- Orion being so chill, passive, and philosophical and Carewyn being so sensible, perfectionistic, and passionate -- they’ll constantly contrast and challenge each other too.

FRIENDS |

Bill —  The Weasley family overall filled the void in Carewyn’s heart that Jacob left behind, none more so than Bill. Carewyn adores Bill like few others and supports him in his Cursebreaking 110%, to the extent that she probably would help him do it even if it didn’t involve the Cursed Vaults. Bill quasi-“adopts” Carewyn into his family pretty early on, but only grows closer to and fonder of her over time, as she’s the first person who he’s ever been able to lean on the way he always let his siblings lean on him. Bill’s accompanied Carewyn to every single Cursed Vault, and he is her right-hand man when it comes to who she’d pick to help her with something dangerous. By the time Bill’s graduated, the two stand on relatively equal footing despite their age gap, and after the death of Redacted, Bill and Carewyn solidly become each other’s best friend and confidante, leaning on and supporting each other more than anyone else. The rest of Carewyn’s friend group likes to jokingly refer to her and Bill as the “Mum” and “Dad” of the group, given their shared tendency to “parent” the others. Bill was the one who coined the nickname “Carey” for Carewyn, and the rest of her friend group has totally run with it since, none more so than Charlie and Tonks.

Charlie — If Bill is Carewyn’s surrogate big brother, Charlie is Carewyn’s twin brother from another mother. Carewyn loves talking about dragons with Charlie. (They’re just so cool!) Charlie and Carewyn also like playing in Quidditch friendlies together, even if they’re in different houses, and they can often be seen handling Prefect duties together. Ever since Charlie, Bill, and Carewyn went into the Portrait Vault with Ben and Merula, the two Weasley boys and Carewyn have been closer than ever. Charlie and Carewyn in particular have latched onto each other in Bill’s absence, given how close both of them were to him. As adults post-Hogwarts, Charlie frequently crashes on Carewyn’s couch whenever he flies in for a visit from Romania, if his mother doesn’t insist upon him staying at the Burrow. Charlie and Carewyn refer to themselves as a pair as “Fireballs,” because Chinese Fireballs are the only dragons known to live among their own kind -- and so the word represents how Charlie and Carewyn see each other as kindred spirits.

Rowan — Rowan was Carewyn’s first friend at Hogwarts, but recently they’ve sort of been growing apart, due to Rowan’s extreme focus on academics and Carewyn’s extreme focus on finding her brother. For Carewyn, it feels like she’s changed a lot in five years -- starting as the shunned younger sister of the delinquent Jacob Cromwell and growing into a renowned Cursebreaker who has learned so much and made so many different friends and now tries to protect Hogwarts and her fellow students however she can -- while Rowan has rigidly stayed put where she was, remaining as studious and socially awkward as ever. Carewyn doesn’t resent Rowan for this -- on the contrary, she’s always admired Rowan’s single-minded ambition to be the youngest professor in Hogwarts history, damn what anyone else says, and wishes she had the luxury of chasing her own dreams that doggedly. But at the same time, Carewyn wouldn’t have felt good about herself, if she’d stayed the way she’d been when she first arrived. She sees herself as having been weaker, less competent, and less capable back then, while Rowan was always so brilliant and both emotionally and intellectually ahead of everyone else. Rowan and Carewyn have grown into very different people over the last five years, but Carewyn still loves and treasures Rowan like few people in the world as her first real friend and the friend that in some ways she wishes she could be more like.

Talbott  — The two at first didn’t see eye-to-eye at all, given that Talbott tends to hide most of his positive emotions at first and Carewyn hides her negative emotions constantly --- but once the ice broke between them, the two really connected and became good friends. Carewyn loves Talbott’s sense of humor and was also pleasantly surprised to find out what a great writer he is! She often volunteers to read whatever he’s working on, which kind of weirds Talbott out, but he secretly is happy she likes his stuff. When Carewyn wants some peace, she’ll take some time to fly around in her robin Animagus form, and she always loves it when Talbott joins her for a flight around the grounds. Carewyn often sings little tweeted songs the entire way, and even if Talbott teases her for it, he does actually really enjoy it. Post-Hogwarts they work together a lot, as Talbott is an Auror and Carewyn is a lawyer.

Ben — Ben was one of the very first people who Carewyn took under her wing, and even now, she remains a bit protective of him. She was always really proud whenever he expressed more courage and initiative in the past, but with the advent of sixth year, Ben has grown a lot more reckless and blunt, to the extent he could easily get himself into a dangerous situation and get hurt. Carewyn isn’t sure at all how to react to the development, but she doesn’t like it -- not one bit. Ben himself is struggling with how much Carewyn wants to look at him as someone to protect while never letting anyone else do the same for her. Because he’s known her longer than most, he’s seen Carewyn’s own dramatic transformation from a quiet, but overemotional little girl into a micromanaging, fussing, stoic, confident Mama Bear, and as much as he’s glad Carewyn’s gotten more confidence, he laments being on equal footing with his friend and feeling like he could help her as much as she helps him. Once they get their emotions and issues sorted, Ben and Carewyn become closer than ever, to the point that he, Merula, Charlie, and Bill are co-leader of the Circle of Khanna with Carewyn.

Barnaby — At first Carewyn couldn’t help but look down on Barnaby a bit given how dim he could be, but once he agreed to help her, she was surprised by how sincere and sweet he really was. Soon enough she felt her protective instincts kick in, and now she’s incredibly encouraging and supportive of him. These days you can usually see them chatting excitedly about magical creatures together in class -- Carewyn’s really happy to see Barnaby succeeding in Care of Magical Creatures as well as enjoying it, and Barnaby loves it whenever Carewyn sings to the creatures they’re working with in order to soothe them.

Jae — Although their personalities are pretty diametrically opposed, even down to house placement, Carewyn gets along pretty well with Jae. She doesn’t entirely see the appeal of him dealing with shadier merchandise, but he still agreed to help her when she needed to go to Knockturn Alley despite the risks and he’s a pretty sharp, resourceful person. Carewyn mostly just thinks he should push himself more, rather than just be content with where he’s at. After learning how much Jae likes cooking, Carewyn has enjoyed spending time with him in the kitchens whenever she wants to try out a new recipe.

Penny — Carewyn was actually a bit startled when popular Penny first took an interest in her in their first year. In their fifth year, Carewyn grew a bit more protective of Penny with the Portrait Curse capturing her younger sister, Beatrice -- now that Beatrice and Penny have started to grow apart, however, Carewyn now finds herself stuck between them, feeling sympathy for Beatrice’s position but still valuing her friendship with Penny.

Liz — Carewyn and Liz’s friendship is a bit more casual than others, but they’ve really connected well thanks to their shared interest in magical creatures. You can usually see Carewyn hanging out with her, Charlie, and Barnaby in Care of Magical Creatures.

Badeea — Art buddies! Carewyn is very encouraging of Badeea’s artistic talent, and the two love talking about music and Charms together.  

Tonks  — Carewyn greatly admires Tonks’s wish to be an Auror and loves how funny her imitations can be, but more often than not ends up being the butt of one of Tonks’s pranks.

Tulip — Like Tonks, Tulip loves pranking Carewyn. A LOT. Carewyn doesn’t find most of her jokes that funny, but can’t stay that mad at her.

Fred and George — Carewyn has only just met the twins, but she can already tell they’re going to be a handful. But they’re Bill and Charlie’s brothers, so in Carewyn’s mind, they are already family, so she feels a bit of protectiveness toward them.

Cedric — When Carewyn met Cedric, her first reaction was immense pity, given how much attention he’d managed to accrue in his first year alone when he clearly didn’t feel like he deserved it. Cedric reminds Carewyn of herself in first and second year, when she was still so shy and insecure whenever people would talk about her, so the Slytherin Prefect feels a lot of compassion for Cedric. She sort of hopes everyone will lay off him a bit so he can just have a normal school life without so much pressure.

Percy — Carewyn hadn’t thought she’d ever encounter someone that she would consider a stick-in-the-mud...until she met Percy Weasley. His rat Scabbers is kind of cute, though -- when he doesn’t bite!

Skye — Carewyn appreciates all of the help Skye gave her when she first started playing in Quidditch friendlies, but at present, she’s not talking to Skye, thanks to her going off and starting unfounded rumors about the Ravenclaw Beater, Erika Rath, the way that people spread rumors about Carewyn when she first started at Hogwarts. NOT COOL, SKYE. Orion deserves better than to deal with that sort of drama!!

Murphy — Both he and Carewyn are planners, and that’s great...but Murphy only plays Wizard Chess, a game he’s great at and Carewyn is terrible at, and that’s not so great.

Professor McGonagall —  The Deputy Headmistress is by far the professor Carewyn respects above all others. Even if she finds her class very challenging, she gives every assignment her all because of how much she respects McGonagall and wants to impress her. McGonagall herself nurtures a soft spot for Carewyn, even despite her being in Slytherin, due to her strong moral streak and desire to protect others.

Professor Flitwick — Charms is Carewyn’s best and favorite class, and Flitwick is a large reason why. Carewyn also really admires Flitwick’s talent in wizard dueling and is always thrilled to learn new dueling spells from him. Flitwick had a soft spot for Carewyn’s brother Jacob back in the day, since Jacob was in his house, and he’s nurtured a similar soft spot for Carewyn because of her great talent in and enthusiasm for Charms.

Professor Kettleburn — Carewyn adores Care of Magical Creatures and, by extension, Professor Kettleburn. She just really doesn’t want to lose as many body parts or clothing pieces as he has. Kettleburn always enjoys when Carewyn sings to the creatures in his class -- he finds it incredibly creative and entertaining.

Hagrid —  Carewyn loves Fang SO MUCH. And Hagrid too. Just not his rock cakes. And Hagrid...well, Carewyn’s just so tiny, but with such a big heart!

FOES |

Rakepick — Pre-Portrait Vault, Carewyn didn’t trust Rakepick as far as she can throw her, largely because she couldn’t get a good fix on her. Even Snape, who Carewyn clashes with at times, seems to have a wonky code of honor (META: largely because she is a Slytherin and -- more notably -- is at school before she could see how terribly he treats Harry and Neville!), but Carewyn wasn’t even sure if she could ascribe that to Rakepick. Her initial judgment seems to have been justified, given how Rakepick acted in the Portrait Vault -- but Rakepick’s betrayal, which was somehow even worse than Carewyn could’ve imagined, has only served to make the young Slytherin feel less sure on her feet, as she’s started to connect the dots and realize that her comrades may have trusted Rakepick for the some of the same reasons that they’ve trusted Carewyn herself. Rakepick and Carewyn have encouraged the others, but have also never trusted them with their true feelings or motives, and they both led them into danger all because of their desire to get to the Cursed Vaults. Although they pursued the Vaults for different reasons, they were both relentless, resourceful, stubborn and proud in their pursuit -- and in enlisting others to help them in that pursuit, they were both responsible for every terrible thing that ensued from it.

Ismelda — Carewyn really doesn’t like her intense interest in pain and suffering -- like...at all. Even if she might put on a strong, unflappable face, Carewyn is way too big of a bleeding heart to enjoy death or pain. Ismelda also considering using a Love Potion on Barnaby soured Carewyn to her quite a bit, though Carewyn is glad Ismelda changed her mind and they were able to come to some sort of a truce.

Merula — Their rivalry was much more intense when they were younger and Merula was actively bullying Ben and Rowan -- nowadays Carewyn just uses her help when it’s useful and ignores her when she’s being her usual awful self. After seeking counsel from her mother and Rowan, Carewyn was even nice enough to give Merula her spot on the Frog Choir, even if she’d really wanted it herself. Although Rowan staying constant and unchanging throughout the years is something Carewyn admires in her, however, she absolutely loathes the quality when it’s expressed in Merula. At the end of year 5, she and Merula came to something of a truce, but with the start of their sixth year, Merula’s taken a couple giant steps back in her evolution, which greatly frustrates and disappoints Carewyn. Carewyn wouldn’t ever call Merula her friend, but...well, she’d still been happy to see Merula had actually been able to prove her a little wrong and become a slightly better person. It’s awful to see her regress after going through that slight improvement.

Professor Dumbledore — Although Dumbledore is an amazingly powerful wizard with a very amiable attitude, over the years Carewyn has gotten very, very frustrated with how much she’s told to stop trying to deal with the Vaults. On top of that, the Headmaster of Hogwarts frequently obfuscates things a bit too much for Carewyn’s liking. She can sense that he is trying to be helpful, but that in a way makes things all the more frustrating, as she finds his methods so phenomenally misguided. Carewyn tries to conceal just how low her opinion of the man has fallen, but in truth she’s become rather resentful of him.

Emily —  Oh gosh. Given how fond Carewyn is of Bill and how ridiculously condescending and prone to bullying Emily can be, Carewyn understandably despises her. She hates her more than she ever hated Merula.

PETS (IF ANY) | Mimi (orange tabby cat), Sir Robin the Brave (toad), Lune (bat), Balto (Cruppy)

ANIMAL PRESERVE (IF ANY) | Wicket the Niffler; Tumnus the Porlock; Arjuna the Abraxan; Belle the Fairy; Esmeralda the Welsh Green; Leila the Thestral, Peter Quill the Knarl; Apollo the Hippogriff; Barnaby Jr. the Bowtruckle

⭐️?

In reference to this post, which it took me fucking ages to find again. Thank you! And I’m so sorry for taking so long to reply — I realised that what I wanted to talk about was what I was in the middle of writing, and then I couldn’t find the original post FML.

For my free choice, I’m going to carry on about everything that gets broken (so far) in A Pillar I am of Pride, and why including literal babies as characters in fic is real fucking hard (ie they have next to no character or plot agency), so without further ado, may I present:

Stains and Spills and Smashed Pots, Oh My!

Right, so, Pillar started out as something along the lines of ‘five times the Darcys and the Rushworths had dinner together, and one time they didn’t,’ but because I am bad at sticking to a plan, it evolved into something slightly looser, and then I decided what I really wanted to do was write a something with a very formal and elaborate grammatical structure that was, on the face of it, about a bunch of posh, mostly dignified adults having a series of dull and unpleasant parties, and smuggle in a series of smutty jokes and wink-wink-nudge-nudge moments about which of the characters are getting it on (or failing to) with whom. To that end, everything I can think of gets to be a metaphor, and, by the way, looking back I’m slightly pissed that in the opening scene I missed a trick and wrote the Darcys buttering toast instead of muffins.

So far the list of smashed, stained, and broken items goes:

Item: Mr Darcy’s ornamental orange tree in a chinoiserie pot, and (nearly) his gigantic hallway mirror.  Damage: the former is tripped over by Mr Rushworth while blind drunk, and the latter he catches himself on. All of this is scene-setting ‘rich people showing off’ decor, and what this does on a literal level in-fic is aggravate Elizabeth and Darcy, who do not appreciate their stylish, comfortable home being smashed up by an oafish guest. On another level, it’s building on canon!Darcy’s associations with gardens and gardening, being someone who creates and produces within the community. On the jokey metaphor level, orange blossom is associated with marriage, and (smashed) mirrors with bad luck. The Rushworth marriage isn’t going to last, and they’re going to cause some stress to their married neighbours.

Item: Elizabeth’s evening outfit, and probably her dignity. Damage: stained by leaky breasts as a result of startled-awake-and-crying Darcy baby The cherry on top of the ruined evening. Elizabeth spends the evening watching half her guests delving into a previously unknown family feud and in the process accidentally insulting the other half, then finds out her husband is, unexpectedly, completely wasted (along with five other increasingly-less-decorous gentlemen, two of whom are her overnight guests while the others are theoretically responsible for getting their female family home safely after dark in an city and era not known for being particularly safe) and ends up trying to resolve everything in the middle of a wardrobe emergency while comforting a distressed baby. On the metaphorical level, the point is this: everyone’s body is betraying them. The resident drunks are telling, or at least alluding to, deep dark secrets, and generally making smutty jokes, and Elizabeth, who is trying very hard to be Mrs Darcy v1 (dignified society hostess with the mostess) instead ends the evening as Mrs Darcy v2 (frustrated, upset and hormonal young mother).

Item: Mr Bennet’s letter to Elizabeth, in which he probes her opinions on Maria Rushworth and Henry Crawford. Damage: squirted by breastmilk when Darcy toddler picks a fight with Darcy baby during breakfast. This part is where I got stuck for ages. The Rushworths (Mr and Mrs) have seriously offended Elizabeth, who is a champion grudge holder, but she needs to continue to be around them on some level without overtly influencing the overarching Mansfield Park plot, in order for the fic to progress. Maria in particular has insulted Elizabeth’s parenting, so it makes sense to bring the children in. Only problem is: they’re babies. There’s a limit to what you can do with characters who are babies. In this case, they get to be useful metaphoric sounding boards for the actions and beliefs of the adults around them. Elizabeth is in this scene (and the fic more generally) meant to be set up as Maria’s foil. Elizabeth has a successful-by-regency-standards marriage, which means money, respected social status, and production of a (male) heir and spare. That she gets on with her husband is a cool bonus. So, on the metaphoric level, the kids are representative of the key regency gentlewoman KPI: legitimate fertility (and, by extension, legitimate sexual activity). Elizabeth has children, Maria doesn’t (yet), which puts Elizabeth up a peg on the social pole. Also, Mansfield Park is, among other things, heavily focused on siblings fighting with each other and older siblings in particular fucking things up for their younger siblings. The Darcy kids are having a playful wrestle, not trying to destroy each other’s lives and inheritances — the worst that happens is that Darcy baby gets his breakfast interrupted — but it’s a chibi reflection of the Bertram and Crawford siblings arguing with each other. On a jokey level — a bit of stray bodily fluid gets squirted onto a sheet (of paper), and literally stains Maria’s name. It’s crude, but hey.

Item: Broderie Anglaise table runner. Damage: ripped as a result of Darcy toddler playing racetracks on it with a toy horse. The table runner was originally Elizabeth’s sleeve, but that got changed because it didn’t quite flow, scene-structure wise. Darcy toddler is busy practising being a gentleman’s heir, which for a three year old in a century where hotwheels haven’t been invented yet, means playing with a toy horse. This carries on from the previous two incidents, but it basically boils down to Darcy toddler (and absent Darcy baby) being physical, living proof of Elizabeth having a sex life. Ripping a bit of white lace with a miniature Trojan horse is, again, probably a bit crude, but it is meant to reinforce the previous points made about married (prospective) mothers whose bodies conspire to produce proof of just what(/whom) they’re doing.

Item: baby rattle. Damage: Darcy baby throws it out of his pram, and eventually has his toy-chucking privileges taken away by Elizabeth after it gets dropped in something nasty. Small babies like to drop and throw stuff, which, I am assured, is a normal part of child development that works around concepts like figuring out how their hands/gravity work and engaging in trust exercises with their carers. Darcy toddler — Edward — and Darcy baby — Richard — are pretty deliberately named after Elizabeth’s decent, respectable Uncle Gardiner, and Darcy’s witty and sensible bestie/cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam, who got the standard fandom first name this time round. Darcy baby takes after his (wilful) mother. In canon, pre-fic, Elizabeth Bennet, country girl next door, does a fair bit of damage by failing to consider the consequences of her actions. Obviously, at this point, Darcy baby is...a baby...and a toy accidentally thrown into a pile of horse manure is not, say, a ruined housemaid or pile of gambling debts, but grown up Richard Darcy, wealthy and charming second son of a very important family, exists in potentia as the sort of problem young man that turns up over and over again in Austen (George Wickham, Tom Bertram, Henry Crawford etc). His parents, who are all too aware of what it means to let a man in that social position regard himself as untouchable, are making a point of teaching both their sons that their tiny baby actions have tiny baby consequences. Which leads to 6 and 7:

Item: A red ball. Damage: the ball, offered by Mary Crawford after Richard has had his rattle taken away, meets the same muddy fate. This whole scene was structured around Mary getting to say ‘boys will be boys.’ Mary Crawford is a perennial fave of mine, but I do have one problem with her, and that is her blaming Fanny for Henry’s part in ruining Maria’s life. Mary, who has just been asked not to encourage Richard throwing his toys, goes ahead and does just that. She’s been raised with Henry, and it shows — she sees nothing wrong with indulging privileged kids and encouraging thoughtless behaviour. Darcy baby here also serves as a stand-in for his adult namesake, Colonel Fitz, another second son, whom Elizabeth is considering attempting to throw together with Mary. Mary is playful, charming, and fascinating, but possibly not very reliable. And, of course, because the original sin metaphor is inescapable in western culture, the toy she offers in this show of defiance is red, round, and chewable.

Item: Elizabeth’s redingote. Damage: drooled upon by Darcy baby In keeping with the Elizabeth-as-Maria’s foil theme, Elizabeth suffers a (very minor) public disgrace, and her various female companions attempt to address it. Georgiana Darcy  suffers an acute case of fremdschamen, and immediately informs Elizabeth of the issue before attempting to fix it but becoming overwhelmed, Anne Wentworth actually does fix it quietly and without a lot of fuss, Julia Bertram is completely ineffectual, and Mary Crawford, after ignoring what was going on right in front of her eyes and letting things progress past where they should have been, tries to cover it up by using the gentleman culprit as a shield, and relying on him to do something he is absolutely not going to do, ie, sit still (Not suggesting that Darcy baby is at fault or malicious — he’s just the unfortunate teething stand-in for Mary’s complicity in adult!brat Henry’s bad behaviour).

Like I said before, I really like these segues between Xena and Gabrielle, not only as a basic framework to keep both stories moving, but for the little insights we have from both of them as they experience (and reexperience) this story.

Gabrielle’s reactions, we have to take with some latitude, as she’s serving a specific function to bridge the pieces together. So she asks questions -- or asks them in a particular way -- as the narrative requires. They’re not without context though, and knowing that Gabrielle is going to claim jealousy as her chief motivating factor for the events to come, I’m putting a bookmark in how she calls on it now.**

Meanwhile, take a whiff of the juicy meat on Xena’s part. I’m SO into how Xena’s fear about Borias becomes precisely what Lao Ma brings out in Xena herself. Not just as a half-prophecy (though also that), but as something Xena Of Then had absolutely no fear of happening to HERSELF. She’s so lost, indeed like an animal, with no concern beyond the immediacy of Now. The very idea that she’ll become anything else, that it’s even POSSIBLE, is so remote as to not even occur to her. Which we can then spin further, into the heart of how everything Xena does after Lao Ma is a very deliberate and exacting CHOICE.

And Xena Of Now knows it. This is the core of the guilt she carries. She isn’t that animal, acting and reacting as the seconds tick by. To even try to claim it would be to dishonour and dismiss everything Lao Ma was and the good she brought to the world. Lao Ma gave Xena so much, but what she asked in payment was Xena’s ability to hide in her pain. Lao Ma took Xena’s excuses, every last one. Which is a huge part of what makes Xena so complicated and fascinating a character, but is also another undeniable marker to the audience that the things Xena will come to do in “The Bitter Suite” are her, all her, and nothing but her.

(**) Right here right now, I INTENSELY disagree with jealousy as Gabby’s prime motivator in “The Debt”, at least in the ways I’m currently interpreting it. I’m real fuzzy on a lot of details though, and so I’m particularly interested to see if I still feel that way once I’ve rewatched all this.

The Song Remains The Same

Chapter One

     The sounds of her feet hitting the pavement barely registered in Calypso’s mind. She was just used to walking everywhere. Her current life situation meant that she just couldn’t afford a car. Thankfully, back home in the States, she could walk everywhere. Typically, she would count her steps as she took them. For that not to happen meant that there was a lot going on upstairs.

     How couldn’t there be? Her brain was still trying to process step one of how all this happened, never mind all the steps after that got her here. The chances of this concert happening in her lifetime had been slim to none, leaning heavily on none. She had come to terms with that long ago. Never getting to see her favorite band, never getting to see Led Zeppelin live, was just something she would have to live with. That was until she heard about the concert, this concert. From there, doubt had filled every step. There was no way she could snag the chance to get a ticket, no way she could afford a ticket. It wasn’t until now that she realized that she, somehow someway, had managed to do it.

     All the steps replayed in her mind. It still seemed to surreal. What dragged her out of those thoughts was a sudden and painful rubbing between her legs. She had thought that perhaps her shortest pair of shorts wasn’t the best idea. But, it was all she wanted to wear. Once the tickets were physically in her hands, she only saw one possible outfit. It had taken her ages to hand embroider the t-shirt she was wearing. In the end, it had been worth all the work. She knew it would be.

     Once she pulled her shorts back down just a bit, she can’t help but return to her previous thoughts. Nearly front row tickets for the first Zeppelin concert in like nineteen fucking years. She couldn’t believe her luck. Not only in winning the lottery, but that she could afford them. They weren’t the very first row, rather just a few rows back. It was close enough for her. The last time they played together she had been, what? Three at the most. That didn’t exactly fill one with hope. But now, she couldn’t help but float on the dream of seeing her three remaining heroes.

     Her mind constantly wondered back to the day of the announcement. It would progress naturally to when she went to register. She wanted to be one of the first ones to register. They had said that it wasn’t first come first serve, but she still didn’t want to chance it. When the site had gone down, part of her hopes had come crashing down as well. Of course thousands, if not millions of people would want to try their hand. How could she expect to win? Life hadn’t worked in her favor very often. Why might this be different?

     It had been, though. All the luck for her entire lifetime must have been used up. At the end of the day, though, Calypso had managed to be one of the chosen few. A chuckle escaped her lips at the thought of that. Chosen few. This was a full stadium. It wasn’t just going to be her and a couple fans. It was going to be a packed house, with people surely still trying to get in.

     The placement of her seat only made it better. She would have been over the moon to be in the back row with no chance of seeing any of it. To get so close? That was what felt truly unreal. Somewhere, at some time, she had apparently done something right. Getting here and affording it all had been a project in a half. No doubt she would carry the debt on her credit card for quite a while. Anything, though, to get to be here.

     The closest way she could describe what she was feeling was that it was just like floating. At least, what she imagined floating would feel like. If anyone asked her what she felt, she would be at a total loss for words. Even saying that she felt like she was floating would be an understatement. Her soul was flying off somewhere. Where? She wasn’t sure. She just knew it had left her for the moment. The sounds of her footsteps had now long left her as well. She was truly alone in her thoughts, running solely on autopilot. There was almost nothing that could make this moment better.

     Well, perhaps there were a few things that could make this better. From her mental cloud, a smirk crossed her face. Yeah, there were a couple ideas that she had that could make things better. Those things, though, were completely impossible. It had taken all her luck to get here. The last thing she wanted, or needed, was to push it by asking for more.

     It wasn’t until she almost collided with someone that Calypso realized she was there. What was supposed to be a half an hour long, grueling walk had gone by just like that. Calypso honestly couldn’t remember any of it. She had receded so far into her mind; she knew she couldn’t do that again. Doubted she would, with all the excitement beginning to fill her now. She wasn’t complaining about the quick walk, though.

     As she assumed her place in line, she noticed the time. The doors should be opening now. Perfect. She didn’t want to be stuck waiting outside forever. Something told her that the long line of people in front of her had been there for a while now. Some of them likely camped out. That wasn’t something she wanted to do. She didn’t need to. It would have tired her out before the concert. She wanted to make sure that she would be ready and completely awake. There wasn’t a chance she wanted to miss a single second.

     At first, the line moved slowly. The shuffling of thousands of pairs of feet all going in through the same doors. It didn’t surprise her at all. All of these people were trying to get into the same place at the same time. Security would likely be tight as well. They would want to do everything to make sure that nothing could go wrong. In the minds of a lot of people, the events of tonight would weigh heavily on the future.

     Once inside, Calypso found herself at a completely different pace. Her ticket had to be shown to what felt like thousands of people. Security was just as tight as she expected it to be. The last thing anyone here wanted was for something to go wrong. This was a once in a lifetime thing. Everything had to be perfect.

     She was ushered this way and that way. For a bit, she wasn’t sure if she would ever find her seat. It felt so far away. How could she ever make it before the show started? Naturally, she did. The whole process only lasted a few minutes. The mass chaos gave it that special feeling of forever. As she went to sit down, she noticed how perfect her seats really were.

     Practically center stage, she knew that Robert would be in front of her for most of the night. Between her and the stage lay just two or so rows. Anything closer and she felt she would have missed something. After all, this was likely to be their only concert in her lifetime. She wanted to catch every last second of it.

     As she settled into her seat, pre-concert jitters also settled in her stomach. The excitement of it all was finally getting to her. When would they come on? If she was worried about missing a moment by being too close, getting up and doing anything else wasn’t an option. Any sort of bathroom trip would have to wait. The lines would be much too long to even chance it. Nothing felt truly real until the old news clips began to play.

     From there, she knew it would be only minutes. As they got closer and closer, showing the band more and more, she stood up. Anticipation seemed to be eating her alive now. She was sure that was the feeling they wanted to create. Everyone around her seemed to be standing on the edge of something.

     Anything besides wonder and happiness and sheer awe left her body when the first beat hit. She couldn’t imagine the show starting any other way. It couldn’t be a coincide. Someone had purposely picked the first song from their first album. They had must have. But who? That she couldn’t be sure of. Perhaps Jimmy, or maybe even Robert, but it had to be a deliberate choice. Things like that didn’t just happen with Zeppelin. Nothing just happened. Any fear of it not living up to expectations were gone the second Robert opened his mouth.

     Secretly, Calypso had hoped that Robert wouldn’t be right in front of her. She had wanted to be able to pay attention to everyone else as well. With Robert right there? She knew she wouldn’t be able to take her eyes off him. When she did glance at everyone else, she truly understood how close she was.

     The sparkles in Jonesy’s shirt were a nice touch. Almost a call back to the days when they would all dress much more outlandish. At least, that’s what it felt like to her. Seeing all of them in sort of dress pants and shirts was odd. It almost felt out of place against the music. The true gift was obvious every time she did glance back at Robert. From under his curly bangs, she could just manage to make out his eyes.

     Without a doubt, there was a certain magic in the air. She felt as if she closed her eyes, she would be transported back to 1975 again. The magic, it seemed, worked strongest only in certain pockets. Calypso hadn’t imagined it would work any other way. They were old men now. Time had changed them. She hadn’t expected them to be exactly the same, she just couldn’t. Zeppelin had always been about the change.

     The magic, though, that initial spark that set them off, was still there. It had been so long since they played together, and it still gave off the same vibe. She could hardly notice that it was Bonzo’s son rather than the legend himself. Everything felt perfect. It was perfect in an off way, different than everything else they’d done before. The change, like always, was subtle enough but there.

     What she hoped for was that this would push them to do more shows. It was unlikely, but she could hope. That was likely the hope of everyone here. Just a little taste would never be enough. She needed more. Robert, from her understanding of the band’s workings, was now the one that frequently refused to do the gigs. Now, having heard him say that it still felt pretty good, she couldn’t help hoping for more.

     Her train of thought had run off for just a second. It came back the minute Robert was clearly in front of her again. She was transfixed on him, really. That was no surprise to her. It was no secret to anyone that knew her that Robert was undeniably her favorite. Fate had decided, apparently, that she would never have to take her eyes off him. Occasionally, she would look to the others. That tended only to happen when they were next to him. Other than that, there was just something that didn’t let her look away.

     For the most part, he stayed right in front of her. All the intense staring apparently paid off, in Calypso’s mind. She could have sworn that he made eye contact with her and smiled. It seemed insane to even think. With all the people around them? There was so small a chance he could even see her. But something in her soul knew that smile was meant for her. God, she sounded crazy in her own head.

     At the end, the concert seemed to come to a slamming halt. The music was there one second. And the next, it was done. Perhaps forever? Perhaps just for a little bit, until they all met up again. There was no way of knowing. They all would just have to wait and see. Calypso wasn’t sure what to do with herself now, though. The last thing she wanted to do was go back to her lonely hotel room. While the four men on stage had disappeared, she still felt everything all around her. Others seemed to feel the same. People just sat around, a few talking to each other. It seemed like no one wanted to leave. No one wanted to believe it was over.

     She kept returning to the feeling of magic in the air. The word hadn’t seemed to leave her mind that night. It was tedious and repetitive. It was also the only way she could now think to describe everything. Screw floating. Everything around her, her included, were under a spell. Zeppelin had been the witch and their music the spell to be cast. That magic lingered in the air. Something so powerful didn’t just disappear. Anyone who wanted to say they couldn’t feel that special force in the air should be considered crazy.

     A voice broke her out of her daze when it yelled, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!” That was expected. Naturally they all couldn’t just hang around here forever. Everything good came to an end. At first, no one around her seemed to notice. Or perhaps no one seemed to care. That was changed when it was repeated again and security began to move into the crowd. That was all that was needed to break her own trance.

     There were too many voices yelling all at once. Bodies around her were beginning to move. Calypso followed them. For the most part, she was really unable to process what was around her. Post-concert high perhaps? She wasn’t really sure. It was her luck that once again her feet seemed to work without her brain being attached. It was a skill she never knew she had before. They managed to carry her out of the venue, almost on memory along. All the bodies around her aided in whatever was forgotten.

     The cool air hitting her face was a surprise. That was the real, final wake up call. Where was she going from here? The last thing Calypso still wanted to do was go back to her hotel room. It seemed to be the only option staring her in the face right now. Not a lot would be open this hour of the night, though. She paused by the building, doing her best to decide her next move. The hotel, while the only option she seemed capable of thinking of, was not what she was going to do.

     Someone walked by her and he smelled strongly of alcohol. That’s when it hit her. A bar would be likely to still be open. It would be filled to the brim with people. It wouldn’t be quiet and lonely. Where was the nearest one? That was the next question she seemed to answer. It stumped her just as much as the initial. She was hardly from anywhere around here. How was she supposed to know? Instead of stressing about it, she just began to walk. This time, in control of her own feet. There had to be one close enough that she could find. Surely, there would be others going to bars as well.

     There was a certain type of determination in her walk. It was a big city. Naturally, in her mind, any sort of big city should work the same and be littered with bars. As she walked, still adjacent to the concert venue, she heard a door to her right open. Her brain elected to ignore it. It failed to really register in her mind. It was hard at work, trying to decide where a bar might be. Surely, whoever was coming would see her and try to avoid her. That was assuming a person was even leaving the door. Someone could just as easily be going into the door.

     Calypso soon found that she was wrong about her assumption. Just as she passed directly in front of the door, she felt a warm body connect with her. There wasn’t enough time for her to process anything. All she knew next was the feeling of her ass and hands hitting the cold ground.

Gabriel “Gabe” Howard - The Dirtbag

Gender: Male

Sexuality: Bisexual

Major: Law

Age: 24

Year in School: Sophomore

“Marriage” Partner: “The Siren”

Faceclaim: Jeremy Allen White

HISTORY

gabe (never, ever call him gabriel) is the eldest of six kids and essentially the parent of the other five. his mother left them shortly after giving birth to the youngest, and the subsequent meltdown from his father meant gabe didn’t have a whole lot of choice in the matter. it was keep an eye on the kids or let them suffer. their father’s depression at his wife leaving spiralled him into a circle of alcohol misuse, gambling debt and various other vices that generally left him incapable of looking after kids, but gabe never bitched about it. he wasn’t stupid, he just had to get on with it. his siblings meant the world to him, and it was always them against most everyone else (with the exception of his cousin). TW WARNING: ABUSE. their father was a violent man (one of the reasons their mother abandoned them) and gabe took the brunt of it, sometimes deliberately antagonising the man if it looked like he was going to go after one of his younger siblings. where he wasn’t violent, he was always verbally and emotionally abusive, and it was gabe’s need for his father to love him and not blame him for his mother’s departure that ultimately led to him becoming as closed off as he is today. END TW.

gabe has been working multiple jobs to supplement what little of his father’s income is left to support his siblings, and the idea of going to college was a bit of a pipe dream. he’s racked up a frankly disturbing amount of debt to go to college to study law (which he doesn’t really want to do, but it pays well and he can support his siblings better, right?), and he’s still working two part time jobs while he’s studying. his real passion is art; he’s always been good with paper, pens and pencils, and the time to sit and study an object. about the only time he’s really happy is when he’s sketching, and although he loves it and could probably make a career out of painting or illustration, he just isn’t confident enough in the money. he can’t risk it. he’s too scared to allow himself that, so his passion is one of his most closely guarded secrets.

deep down, he’s actually a really caring and nice guy, but getting under those defenses is extremely difficult. he’s learned to be distrustful of most people and takes any kind of betrayal or deceit very personally, so he’s generally enough of an asshole to keep everyone else at bay and he accepts the loneliness that comes with it. does he want to find love and settle down with someone and hang out? yeah, but he doesn’t have time, and he’s far too cynical to believe it’ll happen. he’s also extremely scared of becoming like his father. he’s been smoking since he was about eleven, but he’s very averse to gambling, alcohol and drugs (doesn’t judge others, but he’s scared that he’ll get addicted to them). he’s still quite antagonistic with the people he is close to; sarcasm and cynicism are just defaults to him, but if he cares, he’ll be there for you through whatever is needed. he would quite literally kill for them.

his mother was deeply religious but he is not (what kind of god would put their children through this shit?). he’s a pretty decent cook and lives at home still, because he can’t leave his siblings there alone. you’ll often find him in the on campus coffee shop or the library, because people leave him the fuck alone there.

CONNECTIONS

“The Clueless” - Maybe it’s just in The Clueless’ nature, but he’s also really good friends with The Dirtbag. It’s almost the same as The Black Sheep where The Clueless sees the best in him and wants him to succeed. Vice versa, even if The Dirtbag won’t admit it. As much as the Dirtbag pushes The Clueless away, he just keeps coming back so he’s kind of accepted it at this point.

“The Minx” - These two are cousins and despite both of their difficult lives, having each other in them was a constant good thing. They grew up right around the corner from each other so they were always spending time together and no matter what was going on in their lives, they knew they could turn to each other. When it came to college it wasn’t even a question on if they would go together.

“The Siren” - He thinks it’s a sick joke, getting paired with her. The two couldn’t be more opposite and he hates everything she stands for. He knows he’s gotta stick with it because he has to graduate because he has to take care of his family but after seeing her name next to his, he almost was ready to drop out but he’s not going to let her ruin something he’s worked really hard for.

“The Addict” - Despite not letting anyone in, these two are pretty good friends. Whenever he needs to smoke or let off some steam, he knows the other is there for him. And vice versa. It’s almost bad though because neither one of them call each other out on the things they’re doing wrong and they both just let the other divulge in their guilty pleasures without consequences.

The Unbreakable Laws of the Universe

To maintain a harmonious life, you must not only abide by the laws of your country, but also by the natural Laws of the Galaxy. If we transgress, there will be consequences. Like any country, the universe is also governed by certain laws. People refer to these as Universal Laws or Laws of Nature, 'whose content is set by nature and is therefore universal' (Wikipedia). The Law of Gravity is an example of a Universal Law. So is the Law of Conservation of Energy, that's, energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed from one form to another. However , unlike human laws, which can differ from country to country, Universal Laws are consistent and unchanging. You interact with these laws with every air you take. They govern your existence. Nothing about your life has been casual or accidental! The Universal Legal guidelines seem to be mysterious. They have hidden truths. When you identify these hidden truths and utilise them correctly, miracles or simply amazing results occur in your life. It may manifest as suddenly having money when you need it the most, reversing a life-threatening condition, or succeeding in a particular endeavour. These 'miracles', no matter how incredible they might be, are not unbelievable outcomes. They are all natural outcomes based on the correct application of specific laws of nature. Unfortunately, some of the Universal Laws are not as clear-cut as they might seem. There are unnoticed subtleties to the Universal Laws which, when understood and applied, can make all the change between happiness and misery, prosperity and poverty, peace and conflict, ease and struggle. It's easy to think that a lot of people are born to affluence and all good things happen to them. The truth is, these people aren't simply lucky; good things tend not to just 'happen' to them. They're just applying the Laws of the Universe more effectively, whether they're aware of it or maybe not. The laws are flawless; they work perfectly every time, all the time. If you seem to be doing all the right items, but your results are poor, consider the Laws of the Universe and how you are applying them. This book will help you. The amount of laws are there? Many. These laws govern every aspect of our existence. The supreme Law of the Universe is the Regulation of Cause and Effect, also referred to as karma or the parable of 'reaping what you sow'. For every effect you will find there's cause; for every action there is a reaction. Positive action equates to a positive result. The Law of Cause and Effect transcends time, space or form. It operates whether you are aware of it or not. Every human thought, phrase or deed is a cause that sets off a wave of energy throughout the universe, resulting in desirable or undesirable side effects. If there are undesirable effects, it simply means that at some time in the past, there was a thought, word or deed which caused a wave of undesirable energy. As normal, fully-functioning people we are quite literally responsible for everything within our lives. The following excerpt illustrates this concept. This is the suggestion a man gave to his subconscious mind over a amount of about two years: "I would give my right arm to see my daughter cured. " It appeared this his daughter had a crippling form of arthritis together with a so-called incurable form of skin disease. Medical treatment had never alleviate the condition, and the father had an intense longing for his daughter's healing, and expressed his desire in the key phrases just quoted. One day the family was out for a drive. Their car was involved in a head-on collision. This father's right arm was torn off at the shoulder. When he came home from the hospital, he found that his daughter's arthritis and skin condition had vanished. (Murphy, 2001) Everyone is subject to these same natural Laws for the Universe, regardless of race, colour, creed or gender. The laws exert their influence without our consent as well as awareness. When we choose the behaviour, we choose the consequences. Interestingly, the people who are frustrated in life consistently try to escape the natural laws. And, not surprisingly, successful people live in harmony with the natural Laws of the Universe. Deepak Chopra, an authority in mind-body medicine, identified these issues in his bestselling book, The Seven Spiritual Laws and regulations of Success, saying 'no debt in the universe ever goes unpaid. There is a perfect accounting system in this galaxy, and everything is a constant "to and fro" exchange of energy'. All of life is connected; what we complete to others, we do to ourselves. According to the principle of karma, any negative or positive thought or possibly action remains that way, until it expends (uses up) its energy by acting upon the originator. The force you create through your thoughts, words and deeds - either negative or positive - will rebound together with act on YOU. But, as it is the nature of energy to expand when it is put out into the world, you will at some point encounter much more than you caused others to experience. If you cause others to experience prosperity and wellbeing, it will come back to people and you will experience it as well, often multiplied. In like manner, if you hurt someone, the energy will eventually profit and cause you even greater hurt, unless of course you make amends in some way. Eighteenth-century German poet and philosopher, Wolfgang Von Goethe wrote: Nature understands no jesting; she is always true, always serious, always severe; she is constantly right, and the errors and faults are always those of man. The man incapable of appreciating her, she despises and only to the apt, the pure, and the true, does she resign herself and reveal her secrets. Regulations of Cause and Effect is the IRON LAW of the universe. It is unyielding. If you defy this law, you will have consequences - no 'ifs, ands, or buts' about it. It's fascinating (and often tragic) to observe how many people try to defy this law, especially when we pursue quick and easy gains. Often we strive for what we want by working at the exact opposite of what is in our best interest. This beautiful fable illustrates the mystifying and sometimes illusive nature of the Law of Cause and Effect. The Secret to Creating Affluence A young man went to the natrual enviroment and said to his spiritual master, 'I want to have unlimited wealth, to help and heal the world. What is the secret to help wealth? ' The spiritual master said, 'There are two Goddesses that reside in the heart of every human being: your Goddess of WEALTH and the Goddess of KNOWLEDGE'. 'Although you love both, you must pursue one of them to the exclusion within the other. Pursue her, love her, and give her your attention. Understand that only the Goddess of Wealth can allow you wealth, and you may pursue only one Goddess, not both'. 'But, here is the secret: If you pursue the Goddess involving Wealth, she will be pleased with you because she loves to be chased. The more you pursue her the more she'll elude you. However , if you pursue the Goddess of KNOWLEDGE, the Goddess of WEALTH will become extremely envious and pay more att ention to you. In fact , the more you seek the Goddess of Knowledge, the more a Goddess of Wealth will seek you. She will never leave you. She will constantly shower you with product blessings just to win your attention, and the wealth you desire will be yours forever'. Adapted from (Chopra, 1993) Your human tendency is to pursue the Goddess of Wealth, which seems like the logical choice. However , wealth is solely an effect, and like any effect it has a cause. In the fable, pursuing one goddess gets you the best associated with both worlds; wealth comes from the acquisition and proper application of knowledge. So let's be clear: ones goals and dreams will manifest when you and the Laws of the Universe are in harmony! It's a scientific fact that all the universe operates in absolute harmony with IRREVOCABLE natural laws and principles that have NEVER varied throughout in history. These laws prevail regardless of whether we heed them or not. Those individuals who live in harmony with the Laws of this Universe will emerge victorious. Bestselling author, Bob Proctor, summed it up perfectly when he said, You will be living and working in a dynamic global marketplace that leaves little room for error. In future, just those individuals whose beliefs are sound, in harmony with the laws of the universe, and have been integrated with the behavior, will emerge as real winners. (Proctor 2011) This much we know with certainty: you have unlimited potential and tap into and harness this potential by combining: 1 . a deeper understanding of yourself (your power of attraction) with 2 . specific efforts towards a desired outcome (your power of action). In other words, you'll experience the prizes (the Law of Receiving) when you truly understand that you have immense, untapped ability, and you combine that understanding using deliberate application of the Law of Attraction and the Law of Action.

"Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing.

It is making a spreadsheet of your debt and enforcing a morning routine and cooking yourself healthy meals and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction a solution.

It is often doing the ugliest thing that you have to do, like sweat through another workout or tell a toxic friend you don’t want to see them anymore or get a second job so you can have a savings account or figure out a way to accept yourself so that you’re not constantly exhausted from trying to be everything, all the time and then needing to take deliberate, mandated breaks from living to do basic things like drop some oil into a bath and read Marie Claire and turn your phone off for the day.

A world in which self-care has to be such a trendy topic is a world that is sick. Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure.

True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

And that often takes doing the thing you least want to do.

It often means looking your failures and disappointments square in the eye and re-strategizing. It is not satiating your immediate desires. It is letting go. It is choosing new. It is disappointing some people. It is making sacrifices for others. It is living a way that other people won’t, so maybe you can live in a way that other people can’t.

It is letting yourself be normal. Regular. Unexceptional. It is sometimes having a dirty kitchen and deciding your ultimate goal in life isn’t going to be having abs and keeping up with your fake friends. It is deciding how much of your anxiety comes from not actualizing your latent potential, and how much comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.

If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with “treating yourself” and a whole lot do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.

It is no longer using your hectic and unreasonable life as justification for self-sabotage in the form of liquor and procrastination. It is learning how to stop trying to 'fix yourself' and start trying to take care of yourself… and maybe finding that taking care lovingly attends to a lot of the problems you were trying to fix in the first place.

It means being the hero of your life, not the victim. It means rewiring what you have until your everyday life isn’t something you need therapy to recover from. It is no longer choosing a life that looks good over a life that feels good. It is giving the hell up on some goals so you can care about others. It is being honest even if that means you aren’t universally liked. It is meeting your own needs so you aren’t anxious and dependent on other people.

It is becoming the person you know you want and are meant to be. Someone who knows that salt baths and chocolate cake are ways to enjoy life – not escape from it." —Brianna Wiest

On 1st January 2020, I wrote a list of things I wanna do/change/ for this year. I can’t believe we are halfway 2020 and I feel like some many things has happened but I’ve barely done anything. 

Some few things I wanna reflect on.

1. “I need to be more sociable, make new friends no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it gets. Pretend it is just one of your Tinder/HER meet up because you can’t go through Architecture alone”

I was a little scared because of the whole Covid situation classes has become online and it’s gonna last for one whole semester. But because of the group projects I managed to make friends or ta least be able to talk to my classmates and honestly that’s already a big thing for me. I’m not sure what’s gonna happen when we go back to school but I’m gonna keep trying.

2. “See a counselor often”

Okay this is one that I’m not doing pretty well. I haven’t seen my counselor for like 6 months, but also because of the whole deferment and covid situation. Though I’ve been going for my doctor’s appointment and catching up with my medications (sorta) but there are times I forget or will have a period of time I don’t have enough medicine because I didn’t plan out my schedule properly. Gotta work on that and also I’ve been trying to get in contact with my counselor gahhhhh.