disappointment

synecdoche, new york (2008) dir. charlie kaufman // autobiography of red by anne carson // bojack horseman, 3.07 // the long and short of it by richard siken // fallen angels (1995) dir. wong kar-wai

Synecdoche, New York, 2008

"Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved.”

Synecdoche, New York (2008), dir. Charlie Kaufman.

a few hours ago i finished aftersun (2022) and it’s going right in the section of movies that have emotionally wrecked me.

within about a year’s timeframe i have watched the lost daughter (2021), synecdoche new york (2008), everything everywhere all at once (2022), private life (2018), mass (2021), the florida project (2017), manchester by the sea (2016), the fallout (2021), the tale (2018), a mouthful of air (2021), and now aftersun (2022). these characters that live in these films remind me of the beauty of life and how it’s tucked into a bed of pain. i have thought about all of them for hours. i’ve cried over them. i’ve spoken to my therapist about some of them. even though some of them brought a pit into my heart i still love them. i love film. it’s beautiful. i love how emotionally powerful it is. i love the perspectives it can give on every aspect of the human experience. how you can watch something you’ve never experienced and yet it feel so familiar to you. or how you can watch something you have experienced and feel so seen and heard in a way you never thought was possible. art is beautiful. i never want humans to stop creating. film is something i need in my life and i don’t care how dramatic that sounds. the ability to express emotion in a creative setting is necessary for everyone whether you’re the creator or are a viewer. i don’t know what else to say except that life is so fucking difficult and there’s so many moments that are hard to grasp and understand, and it’s tough but knowing that i’m still here means there’s so much beauty and happiness and laughter and joy that will fill my days. just keep going, keep creating, and keep consuming any sort of art. it’s necessary for the soul.

Synecdoche, New York / Okaeri Alice / Hisashi Eguchi, Mangaka (Stop!! Hibari-kun!)

Synecdoche, New York (2008)

Swiss Army Man (2016) directed by Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert

Synecdoche; New York (2008) directed by Charlie Kaufman

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) directed by Charlie Kaufman

“I submit to you that the greatness of Philip Seymour Hoffman, in both individual roles and over the course of his career, is that he never stopped measuring the distance between what we want and what we get, what we hope for and what we’re stuck with — the perfect poetry of man at his most ideal and the crumminess of day-to-day life… He kept our secret — that everything goes to hell eventually, sometimes even beautifully — even as he acted it out, and for that we gave him our trust and the kind of love most movie stars only dream of.” –Ty Burr

“Phil permitted us to let his reflected light make our lives brighter, and not in a condescending way. In a generous way.” –John Baynes

“A pencil in his hand, a script at his fingertips, questioning, seeking, an inscrutable character being drafted, drawn, beamed in from the cosmos, an unknowable man becoming known, an unknowable man becoming seen, because he had to be. Because for Phil, to not create would have been to die a different kind of death. And each role provided him with a different kind of life. We are blessed with all the lives he’s left behind. The ones on screen, the ones he fathered, the ones he inspired, supported, enlivened and made better through his talent, generosity and humanity.” –Emily Ziff

“[Making art is] very fulfilling and challenging and maddening. Sometimes you can never get it right and usually you don’t, and you realize how art and life are very similar, ultimately. They really are. They don’t really end, and they don’t really answer themselves… The good stuff, you know?” –PSH

Happy birthday, Philip Seymour Hoffman! (July 23, 1967 – February 2, 2014)

Charlie Kaufman is one of my favorite screenwriters/directors. These movies are so true to the neurodivergent experience, especially the autistic one. I’ve never seen someone else really bring this to the screen in such a unique way. The only thing I could compare to these movies to is Nathan Fielder’s The Rehearsal (which in a way really feels like a shorter less reality bending Synecdoche, New York).

The lonely introspection of making sense of the world through your own lens, and hoping someone, anyone really connects with you. They feel so genuine and surreal at the same time.

If you’ve never watched any of his films, I recommend Being John Malkovich as a start.

synecdoche, new york (2008)

thank u angels @poesimark & @vvolkulja for tagging me to post my nine fav films! (was super difficult to choose so these may not be my favorites but rather films that rly had an impact on me / my worldview / my taste! in no particular order btw)

i tag @venusmoon @cxnthie @biopolitique if u feel like it ofc!! <3

I wish we had this when we were young.

Charlie Kaufman, {2008} Synecdoche, New York

“I wish we had this when we were young. And all those years in between.”

Synecdoche, New York (2008) Directed by Charlie Kaufman Cinematography by Frederick Elmes

been thinking about death and infinity and obsession quite a bit recently!!

my thoughts on synecdoche new york, contains spoilers, and it all relates to me, my life experiences. its not the "correct" interpretation, the "studied" interpretation of anything. tho i dont believe there is a correct one. this is all very subjective. all that i read and watch leads me back to my life. this is no exception.

it took me a few hours maybe a day to realize what it was exactly, to pinpoint why kaufman had reached his hands inside my chest. what paths did he use. i realized, this representation of life feels as panicked and as suffocating as my life feels to me. from the time passing so fast and unnoticeably, to the mystery illness and no answers from doctors on what is gonna happen, to all the relationships, to the trying to understand other people, to houses on fire, untamed minds, to outside perspectives of the self, to dying and awareness of it aproaching until the cold death itself, not merciful, no that would be too good. just death. ending. cease of existence. doesn't solve anything, doesnt bring on any problems. it simply is. all these making for an absolutely unbearable time alive.

one of the things that kept nagging at me was the constant renaming of the play. he kept trying up to the last moments, to try and rewrite it. convinced that maybe this time it will work. maybe this time he will get to show it to the public. maybe this time I'll know how to live, the other ways havent worked but this one surely will. I'll make it right, I'll make it true, i swear i can make it good. if you just give me some more time. don't kill me off yet i swear i can do better. only for the film to end just as he thought of another way to write it. you dont get unlimited chances. he died without achieving it. because of course there is no "right way" there is no perfect title, no perfectly written play, there is no perfection in the act of living life. you can't keep chasing something that doesn't exist, but you can't help but do it anyways. because what else are you gonna do?

the house cleaning caden insists on doing, a source of a certain kind of comfort for him, it feels all too familiar, not in a literal sense nothing here is literal is it? its a fucking poem. the way i can never let go of people. the way i constantly dive inside my mind and take residence in the memories of people that i no longer have in my life or i still do but the circumstances have changed. i always go back to the places we went. there's much comfort in living in the past when you cannot handle the future. i would say it is not recommended though. seeing as living your life inside your head might be a tad unhealthy. and yet i keep doing it. i keep picking at the same wounds. i can't help myself. i am right where people leave me. i never move on. i am right there.

that also ties into the hiring of an actor to play himself. the actor has followed him his whole life. i thought of it as a sort of mask, something that was always inside of you and that you are finally going to let come out and play, live your life for you. a little deception to make it easier. but also the constant reliving of just lived scenarios is enough to send someone spiraling. it feels like a desperate attempt at understanding. understanding other people and their reactions, understanding yourself and why you say certain things, why you act the way you do, where you went wrong. this sort of mental nitpicking i also need to quit. but it all comes from confusion. all this is just desperate confusion. this attempt, however misguided, of trying to understand other people, to make sense of life. this feels all too familiar. it's just perfect, he is pathetic and sick and dying, just like me.

in the end the complete relinquishing of control, a bittersweet act. something i wish to do as well. to no longer be weighed down by the burden of existence but still alive, at the low low price of handing over your free will. a price i am not willing to pay. at least not yet. after that his life seems restful? he looks miserable but he has looked miserable the whole time. it's boring i guess? that's the bad part? life is fun because it is insane. is it worth it to give that up for calmness? for peace? he's not happy, he simply is. but it does seem he might have reached either a deep level of contentment or he has simply given up. why the two look so similar to me i dont know. might be that i cannot imagine an end to all of this. to be content and no longer strive for anything is terrifying. a certain kind of death to me. just like giving up.

after watching this film it has immediately jumped to be my favorite. i could keep writing about this for days but i do have other shit to do unfortunately