i may not be sober but i succeeded at harm reduction last night! im so proud of myself. i was so focused on the progression of my alcoholism (and sedative addiction) that i forgot it existed. last night, i was aiming for a) not dying and b) not vomiting. and here i am, alive another morning. my cat very affectionate today and i can give him love and attention! and i did not vomit at all! the nausea wasn't bad! my stomach hurts but i think that's cause i'm very hungry lol.

i also didn't completely incapacitate myself as i usually do (still passed the fuck out). i could still walk and type and think and speak. which uh, is more an ode to my alcohol tolerance (BAC estimated 0.22% at peak) than the fact i started with 4 shots down in seconds and had the next 4 over the course of 3? hours. but the slow down after the first binge really did help.

it was a worlds different from friday night. i drank so much so fast, that there was no euphoria, no nothing. just complete and utter sickness and incapacitation. i thought i was going to die and blacked out completely immobilized, unable to see, in my bed. this time, last night, i got to experience euphoria again. for the first time in a while. it was fleeting and not as strong but, it was there.

sorry for such a long post i'm just. really proud of myself. for being here. for not drinking and drugging myself sick. passing out from what i did once it did start to incapacitate me still is a massive risk - i can never know what the drugs will do once i fall asleep. but. i'm here. i'm aware of my problem. i'm seeking support. that's all i can do.

recovery is never a straight line, and for those not shooting for recovery, the path to survival isn't either. sometimes we fuck up or don't do the best thing for our survival. that's natural; no human has ever survived such dire situations perfectly. all we can do is our best to make it to tomorrow.