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Void! Void of the Rambling variety!! How are you! I am excited to say hello and thus must use copious numbers of exclamation points!

Eexer! Eexer of the Main variety! Tumblr is mean to me and did not show me your notification, this is a crime I have decided.

How I am. Not gonna lie, my last little while got pretty much slowly reduced to 1. work at Job and 2. lie down on couch/bed/whatever and get back energy for the next time I have to do Person Things, so stuff like keeping in touch, posting, thinking...pretty much went dead for a while there. Turns out my immune system does NOT appreciate the fact that I have organs and decided to make that opinion known to me, loudly, over the course of the last few months. Still waiting on doctors to tell me exactly what The Nonsense is called, but I do have meds now, and I've been feeling one hell of a lot better the last couple weeks than I was before.

So the answer to how I'm doing is, weird. Still not 100%, but I'm sitting at a much more workable 70% most days now. I'm hoping I can ease back into courses in the fall without getting completely Obliterated by stress and making everything worse, but y'know, whatever happens happens. I'm just happy to be able to summon this many complete sentences with this little effort to actually catch up with a cool person. :)

I hope you are doing well! I did not use enough exclamation points in my answer so I am making up for it here!! I am also excited to hear from you! 💙

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

to breathe and to break

It’s been three months.

Duncan is still missing.

They are doing the rounds for their weekly check-in, and it falls at a moment when Professor Drake is not teaching. So, as had become somewhat custom, the wizard is sitting in the Myth tower with him, drinking tea and pretending to be more alright than they are—though less alright than they tend to let on with anyone else.

“I have been meaning to ask, I was sent word from King Goldenblade that you had collapsed in a dungeon below Northguard some months ago.” Cyrus does not let concern into his tone, it is even and measured, made not to scare them off. “Given that it arrived moments before you showed up to inquire about the laws of Kan Davasi, I decided it best not to inquire that day.”

He’s watching them carefully, the wizard knows he can see the way they’ve gone rigid and still. “One of Morganthe’s generals—a spider Magi, Archmagus Lorcan—was holed up in Nidavellir,” they reply, willing their voice blank and emotionless. “he lured me into some kind of memory chamber, and the Death students came after me from another side. I overextended myself in the battle and passed out, I was recovered by the time we came to see you.”

“Overextended yourself?” The raise of a single eyebrow, question implied but not really spoken.

The wizard sighs, setting their cup down into the saucer in their lap. “Just ask what you mean to, Professor.”

“I know you dislike talk of the war you fought against Morganthe and her army, but the skills you learned out of necessity were and continue to be a very dangerous balancing act.” He pauses briefly, and adds “Shadow magic is incredibly understudied and unknown, my faith in your abilities is not lacking, but I do wish you would learn to come to others when trouble beyond the normal arises.”

They close their eyes, breathing slow. “I couldn’t get to them.”

It’s quiet and broken.

Like an admission of guilt.

“I was in one dungeon, they were in another, Lorcan could—and likely would—have killed them given the chance.” Eyes open, brown exchanged for flat gold. “When I was in the Hive, Old Cob explained that Shadow is often used to bend and reshape reality—Morganthe used it on her soldiers to twist them, to make them stronger—I used it to draw a new dueling circle, just one, just a battle placement—so I could call up an Earthquake and break through to the other side of the wall.”

“And it worked?” There is concern now, but there is also curiosity, and that can be met and matched. Academic, disconnected, stay above the feelings and they won’t be swallowed whole.

“It worked. Blew a hole through into the other dungeon, I drew another placement into the duel that the others were already in—and it was stable, mostly, more than the first one because it was part of the circle itself.” And they stop, because continuing means talking about the aftermath. About how they don’t remember Shadow taking them over, or killing Lorcan, or the backlash slamming them into the cavern wall so hard that their friends had a horrible few moments of thinking they were dead. “I overextended myself, used too much Shadow magic without paying for it. There were…consequences.”

They can still see the little image they’d shown Penny to create, seen their form clawed and winged leap across the dimmed dueling ring and crash into Lorcan. Rip his carapace open and keep tearing until he dissolved into nothing.

They try not to think about Penny mentioning later that she had cleaned his blood—blue and mixing with the ink-dark Shadow—off their hands.

“I take it this is also how five of you were able to enter Darkmoor together.”

They nod, there is little point in hiding it now.

“As much as I appreciate the concern and care Acting Professor Ashthorn and Miss Dreadful exhibit for you—”

“—Don’t,” The wizard cuts in, rare that they talk over Cyrus, but in this instance it’s necessary. “don’t blame them for hiding it. Both of them—all four of them—saw what happened in Nidavellir, and it shook them. They’re not used to this mess like I am. You can’t blame them for not knowing what to say and what to hide.”

“You needed to be nearly carried upon return to nightside, am I to take it you overextended yourself in Darkmoor as well?” It’s a touch sharp, dancing on the edge of reprimand. A reminder that they are, at the end of the day, his responsibility.

“To a lesser degree,” they reply “I mitigated some of the backlash by using a weapon imbibed with Shadow from Khrysalis. But I was still knocked unconscious before the end of the final battle.” A pause, a consideration. If they tell Cyrus the full extent of why they are so hell bent on finding Duncan perhaps he will have some further insight. “Duncan copied the pattern I had been using to create extra battle placements in order to heal me, using the weapon I’d brought along. I don’t know how he was able to channel Shadow, and Malistaire had to siphon the extra away because it—it sticks to you when you overuse it. Seeps out and freezes your blood. And for someone untrained—Using it without payment is dangerous for me, and I had people teachingme. It could be disasterous for someone like Duncan, even if he can control it. It could consume him and—” their words stutter to a halt as they try not to let the last piece out.

It comes anyway.

“—and it would be my fault.”

There is a shame to these moments, a pain that comes with breaking down in front of Cyrus Drake, who has stood by and watched them run off to atrocity and tragedy and trained them to be his brother’s end. There is a deep rooted feeling that they should not be doing this to him. But also the sense that they would not rather do it to anyone else.

The rare moments of contact. A hand on shoulder. Or easing the teacup from their grip.

It’s often all they need in return.

Read the rest here <3

A longer bit feat.: Callie and Simon angst. :)

Talking with @drippingmoon got me thinking of some cornerstone scenes in the enemies-to-friends slow-burn I do with these two idiots and this one, I think, stands out as the dead-center point, so I’m gonna not second-guess myself and just post it. 🥴

Tagging @thelaughingstag too! (I remembered!)

Context: Callie broke into Delaney to steal an ancient magical artifact and, believing she meant nothing but harm, Simon stopped her. But while waiting for the cops to come and drag her back to prison, Simon asks her to just tell him the truth, once and for all. Callie agrees to let him read her mind all the way back to the beginning, thinking she’s got nothing left to live for. Simon gets hit with a truckload of tragic backstory he wasn’t prepared for and is asked to follow them back to Downing Bay, the prison she’s being held in.

They’re still mentally connected, even after Simon has let go. He can hear her, and she can hear him too, which definitely isn’t normal.

Word count: 3,200

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failure. failure. failure

She wasn’t even doing this on purpose and it wasn’t just the word reverberating through his skull.

More like a full-bodied feeling flooding his consciousness as he left Delaney, a steady stream of self-hatred punctuated only by expletives.

Stop, he begged her.

i can’t, you stop listening

I can’t.

She laughed, out loud in her cell. He heard it and felt it, over the miles that separated them, the ocean and metal and glass.

He’d overextended; that’s what caused this. It took him awhile to put it together because he’d been so upset - maybe even been in a mild state of shock, in retrospect - and he spent a lifetime being so careful with his powers that he’d never done it before to know what it was like.

And so that was bad, yes, but come on. How much longer could it last?

He was stepping onto the boat to Downing Bay when the pain started - hers, and not the torrent of existential agony he was struggling to adjust to but pain, physical and substantial.

What’s happening? he tried to ask, but it got lost - she could barely think, suddenly, let alone focus on sending him mental telegrams.

The cluster of metal buildings hovered threateningly on the horizon, and as they got closer, minds inside got louder, almost drowning Callie out. He wanted to tell them to turn around and take him away; the claustrophobia was overwhelming, the collective sense of being trapped.

The boat brought them underneath the smallest building; a scorched sign read Diagnostics in block letters with an arrow pointing up. What might’ve once been a loading dock was sectioned off with caution tape and hanging sadly down into the water, barely still attached to the rest of the infrastructure. They laid a make-shift bridge between the boat and platform to walk across.

Once inside, they asked him to empty his pockets and leave all his belongings in a small box.

“This stays with me,” he said, holding his Headmaster’s key, bronze and solid, in the palm of his hand.

“No, sir,” said the tired corrections officer, unaware of who he was. “All belongings.” She shook the plastic container for emphasis, rattling the rest of his stuff around.

“I’m the headmaster of Delaney of School for Magicians,” he said. “This is a master key and it doesn’t leave my neck. If you need to call your superiors about it, please do it, but I won’t leave it here.”

A few minutes later, he put the chain back around his neck, dropped the key down inside his shirt, and was escorted inside.

“No one’s suppressed me yet,” he said to one of prison officers. He waited until the last second; surely they knew their own duties better than he did. He didn’t wanna insult anyone, but they hadn’t done it and they were bringing him though thick, reinforced doors to the warden’s office and if not now, when?

“We’ve not been asked to, sir. This way.”

The warden smiled when Simon entered his office, waved everyone else away. He introduced himself as Warden Prescott and extended his hand - it was thin and cold when Simon shook it, despite the muggy warmth.

“Thank you for coming so quickly,” he said. “How fares your school?”

“It’s seen worse. It looks like she hit this place harder, to be honest.”

The warden smiled, and Simon caught an image of a collection, varying people with differing characteristics on display in tiny boxes, one of them out of place. “Yes, she put on quite a show on her way out. Destroyed all our boats and did a significant amount of superficial damage, but nothing structural, thankfully.”

Of course not - living her memories alongside her showed him she made sure she didn’t hurt anyone, only crippled their ability to pursue her.

It was too warm in here and he wondered how the warden could be so buttoned up in thick polyester when he had to unbutton his own light jacket.

“A hearing will take place tomorrow morning and your presence will be required,” he began. “I suspect I know at least  part of the reason why. News reached my ears that you behaved quite badly.” He made a tsk-tsk sound and shook his head at Simon like he was a naughty child.

“I did what I did,” he said flatly. “I shouldn’t have read her mind, and I accept the consequences for it, whatever they’ll be.”

“Oh, I meant absolutely no disrespect,” the warden said. “The opposite, in fact. I daresay if I had your powers, I’d like nothing more than to take a stroll through that mind of hers. She’s an interesting one. The fact that you did so might work to our advantage, in fact. You see, we’re in a bit of a bind with all this. May I speak plainly?”

“I wish you would,” he said. The warden was carrying his collection of dolls in his mind, all unique and valuable and distinctly dehumanized, and Callie’s thoughts were still flowing like a steady IV drip, making him feel irritable and short.

“Well, Mister Bennett, the facts are as such: we’ve got a limited testimony from you that the authorities will need expanded upon, that says you’ve seen the original crime in the first person, and your account differs wildly from the one she’s given. There are additional crimes stacked up past that - her escape from prison and attempted theft of an undisclosed item from your school. And the world wants to know how an infamous killer managed to become the first person in history to escape Downing Bay.”

“It’s a valid question for them to ask.”

“With an undesirable answer. But I think you’re in pain, Mister Bennett. Do you need a doctor?”

He was, but it wasn’t his own injuries that made wince.

“It’s her,” he groaned. “You’re hurting her, what are you doing?”

The warden sighed. “Come,” he said. “I’ll show you.”

He took Simon down the hall, into a sterile room filled with recording equipment and a solid wall of glass. On the other side of the it, Callie. She sat a bare table in prison scrubs, hands cuffed to its surface. IVs were inserted in both her arms, the needles taped down, liquid flowing from bags hanging behind her. The metal collar around her neck flashed blips of red, yellow and green, reminding him absurdly of a Christmas tree.

She bit her lip and shuffled restlessly, an involuntary response to the pain she was trying to ignore.

“You’ve got to stop this,” he said.

“To be fair, this isn’t what diagnostics usually looks like,” the warden said while he swallowed down a wave of sickness. “Typically, we focus on finding a long-term suppressive solution that both nullifies abilities and has minimal side effects for the prisoner. We are, unfortunately, in disaster minimization mode rather than long-term maintenance with your friend here.”

This was the strain being put on her body - the combination of every drug known to medicine that could hold back the expression of magic for any amount of time at all. “She’s not my friend,” he muttered. “Isn’t this unethical?”

“Should we allow all her power to rush back in so she can kill my people and escape again?”

“She’s not killing anyone,” Simon said with certainty.

“That’s not what she said a few hours ago,” the warden recalled. “We had no less than five guards trying to process her and she threatened their lives.”

Dammit. “What we you doing to her?”

“Attempting to place her segregation.”

He resisted the urge to groan in frustration, to punch the glass in front of him. ���She didn’t mean it,” he muttered, not relishing the job of being her translator. “She’s terrified of solitary confinement, she just didn’t wanna go.”

“That’s unfortunate, given that we can’t very well place her back into general population. This is all that’s left, a quarantine unit, meant for contagious disease.”

On the other side of the glass, Callie squeezed her eyes shut and dropped her head. A fresh wave of pain ran over him too.

how much longer, how much more?

“How long can you keep this up, these stop-gap measures? Surely they won’t work forever.”

Warden Prescott raised his eyebrows. “These measures aren’t even working very well, Mister Bennett. I daresay if she wanted to, she could be gone before nightfall. I’m afraid she’s only here at her pleasure.”

Pleasure? He looked back at her in the next room, her face contorted. “You’re kidding me.”

“I wish I was,” Warden Prescott said, with a small smile. “We’re in the dark here, fumbling through uncharted territory without a map. She’s got my best techs feeling like children when they try to interpret the results of all this treatment. She’s a thing that isn’t supposed to exist: a hybrid. Focused magic and Eclectic, all at once.”

The implications of the warden’s words began to stack up in his already overtaxed mind and part of him thought, ridiculously, of a vacation. Of sitting on a beach with a book getting a suntan, drinking something with a slice of pineapple on the rim, smoking a cigarette or two or fifty - of not having a care in the world, for just a little while.

A hybrid, then. Focused and Eclectic.

He’d walked through her life with her and even she didn’t understand that, not really, not in such terms. She, and everyone else who knew what she’d done to Peter, had thought of it like an acquisition of new powers; not a fundamental genetic change.

Did Riley know this? Riley, who gathered Callie’s DNA and did extensive testing on it, who still had it?

“Has anybody been in touch with the family?” he asked, unwilling to explain why he was asking.

“I know someone’s reached out,” the warden said. “I don’t believe there was any reply.”

No, he supposed not. Riley would want nothing to do with any of this. Still, she had to be sweating, didn’t she? How could she know Callie still held up her end of their deal?

“I wonder,” Warden Prescott drawled, “if your trip through her mind was quite so extensive that if she were back inside your school, right now, you’d trust her not to hurt anyone.”

“It was,” he said. “And I would.”

He couldn’t imagine this would be easy for anyone else to swallow. He certainly wouldn’t believe it himself without first-hand insight. “I want to talk to her.”

The warden nodded his assent at the guards lining the wall.

“As I said, everyone wants to know how she managed to escape,” he said, walking Simon around to the entrance of the adjacent room that held Callie. “The thing I’m most curious about it why she even waited so long to do it. Is that something you know, from your jaunt through her mind?”

“Yes.”

“Are you inclined to share?”

He decided earlier, definitively, that he didn’t like the warden: the way he looked at his inmates like specimens, pinned inside a case. “No,” he said.

“Fair enough,” he agreed. “Although you might be asked tomorrow, by someone more powerful than me, in a much more formal capacity. We’ll be leaning on your expertise considerably to entangle that mind of hers.” He shook his head in admiration. “The unsuppressable Callie Ray.”

“I wouldn’t toss that around,” he muttered.

“Why not?”

The guard undid a stack of locks on the quarantine room door. “I don’t want her hearing it,” he said as they pushed the door open. “She’ll like it too much.”

—

Little black cameras dotted the corners of the room; he knew the warden would be listening on the other side of the glass where’d they’d just come from, and he was certain they were being recorded too.

She lifted her head, smirked at the sight of him. “I’d say hello,” she said, her voice scratchy. “But it’s like I never left you, isn’t it?”

She looked awful. Her red-rimmed eyes matched her hair; one was still swollen, decorated in bruises. “I am sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean for this.” He gestured between his head and hers.

he just says it, just like that

“Did you get a good spanking for it? I’m sure nobody expected that from their golden boy.”

Her words were hollow to him now; they washed over him uselessly and left him thoroughly unimpressed. He pulled up a chair and sat opposite her at the steel table, mirroring her position with his hands folded in front of him, except for the absence of cuffs, obviously.

We could talk like this, he said, if you don’t want them to listen.

A jumbled negative reply came across their connection. He nodded.

“There’s a whole team of people on the other side of the door, trying to figure out the best ways to keep your magic suppressed on a minute-to-minute basis,” he said.

“Can you believe it?” She tried for a smile, but it was poorly constructed. “All this for little old me.”

“Well, you’ve convinced the world you’re a dangerous monster and now you’re being treated like one. You did this to yourself.”

“Did you hear me complaining?”

Another wave of gnawing pain; she was sweating, her jumpsuit damp in the armpits. It hit him too, surely just a fraction of what it felt like for her, and he’d already had enough.

“Just tell them,” he said. “Tell them what I know, that it was an accident from the start and you don’t wanna hurt anyone else, and they might let up.”

“I don’t want them to,” she said, voice strained, hanging onto composure by a thread. “I like the pain.”

if I’m in pain I’m getting what I deserve I don’t have to feel guilty

He’d never felt a mind twisted up into knots like this, how did it get this way?

“Is that why you’re still here?” he asked. He looked toward the glass where he knew Warden Prescott was still standing, watching and listening. “They know you’re letting this happen. That if you wanted to, you could stop it.”

She blinked; a powerful emptiness surged up inside her. “Where else am I supposed to go?”

It wasn’t a rhetorical question - she was interested in an answer if he had one, but he didn’t. He lived her life alongside her in a compressed whirlwind of tightly-packed failures and she had no family to take her in, Delaney certainly wouldn’t have her, there were no relationships, no friends…

He pulled back; it hurt to be near.

“Just because you say you’re not gonna try to escape again…” He fumbled, trying to lay out the mess. “They still can’t hold you on your word, Callie. You’ve got the public frightened that Downing Bay can’t hold you and the authorities are scared you’re gonna prove it.”

She nodded and winced; something crossed her mind too quickly for him to get a good look. “What are they gonna do to me?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t think they do either.”

“Why don’t they just kill me?”

The way she said these things - it was infuriating. “They can’t just execute someone because they don’t know what else to do with them.” He narrowed his eyes like it might help him see her clearer. “Is that what you want? To die?”

She rolled it around in her head. “Not really,” she shrugged. “But I don’t really wanna live either.”

Hopelessness emanated from her; he felt her future the way she saw it, a vast, meaningless chasm of nothing. It made him want to scream.

“Don’t,” she snarled, her awareness of their connection snapping to life. “Don’t you feel sorry for me, you jackass. I don’t want your pity, I’d rather you spit in my eye.”

“I can’t help it,” he groaned. “You sit there acting like this while… it’s, it’s like two different radio stations blasting into each of my ears, I can’t think.”

She swallowed thickly, like she was nauseous. “Do you wanna know exactly how much sympathy I have for you right now?”

“No.”

“Zero,” she said anyway. “Nobody made you drill yourself your own personal pipeline into my brain.”

“That’s not what I was trying to do.”

“Oh, so sad,” she pouted, turning her bottom lip out. “You made your first mistake. Feels like shit, doesn’t it?”

he’ll tell everybody, then everyone will know how stupid, how useless, how embarrassing, and he’s listening to you RIGHT NOW, he knows it all, i wish i WAS dead so i didn’t have to, would be easier than this-

“You let me think you did it on purpose,” he bit out, too overwhelmed to hold it back. “You let me think the absolute worst of you.”

“The worst of me is the truth, the shit you know now.”

“No, it’s not. What you are is not worse than a cold-blooded killer, a, a liar, somebody I could spend the rest of my life feeling like a fool for letting in, how do you justify doing that to me?”

She shrugged, blinked slowly, helplessly, like she couldn’t believe she had to put words to something so simple. “I… the damage was done.”

He scoffed - he couldn’t help it. “It wasn’t. There was a lot more damage left to do, and you did it. You did it all.”

Anger, fresh and bitter, burned through their connection.

i was trying to fix it if you would’ve just walked away none of this would be happening i could have made it go away-

“At what cost?” he asked. It would sound like a non sequitur to everyone listening but he didn’t care. “Even if the orblex could do what you were planning, you can’t possibly predict how it would’ve worked. Did you think it would just drop you off on Christmas twelve years ago and let you start again? No one knows how Time magic works and you wanted to just unleash it. For all you know you could have ripped the world apart.”

Disbelief. how could he say something like that?

“Wouldn’t you?” she asked. A crack in her voice - a tear springing from her eye that hadn’t been there a moment before, rolling down her cheek. “You wouldn’t take that risk, Bennett? To bring him back?”

He wanted to say no, but it got stuck in his throat. She still grieved for him, as hard as he ever did, and it annihilated the space between them, blurred the final lines.

He pushed his chair back and got up - he needed a second. Not to be looking at her, not to be sharing feelings.

“Where are you going?”

are you leaving? don’t leave

He clasped his hands behind his head, breathed in and out, shut his eyes.

say something say something say something say something-

“There’s gonna be a hearing tomorrow,” he said, cutting off the flood of her thoughts she couldn’t control. “Or, not a hearing. A discussion, I guess.”

He turned to face her again; she was listening with rapt attention. She hadn’t been told yet.

“They’re gonna talk about whether there’s any kind of precedent they can fall back on for this, anything at all. I don’t know if they want me there as a witness or a human lie detector, but they asked me to stay for it and I’m staying. After that, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll see you again, maybe I won’t. I have to think this-”

He gestured to the space between their heads again, at a loss for what to call it. “This’ll fade with time and distance. It’ll have to. It can’t stay forever.”

It couldn’t, could it?

A Little Stumble

So, because I couldn’t help myself, I jumped on the next idea!

@priscilarte1 suggested the idea of Elsa coping with low blood pressure, managing to be clumsy enough to often her herself and Anna worries and cares for her. So I ran with this and it’s not as lighthearted as I originally planned, but! Please enjoy~

"Ow. Ow ow ow!"

At the cries of pain, Anna's face popped into view in the doorway, eyes wide in alarm. She stumbled backwards for a second with her brush caught in her hair and finally managed to rush to Elsa's side.

Elsa was on the floor at the top of the stairs with a spilled cup of water in front of her. She was annoyed at herself for the mess, but most of her focus was on the pain pulsing through her ankle after she fell up the stairs. She hadn't felt super well and knew she was thirsty, but the dizziness caught her off guard.

Anna's hands were on her face and then one on her arm as she checked on her. "Elsa! What happened?"

"Tripped," Elsa said simply with a sigh, pulling one knee forward to better brace herself on. She had chosen to wear one of her very long white dresses that day, decorated with snowflakes and the earth symbol in gentle greys and blues. Elsa was, typically, pretty good at navigating one of her ridiculous long dresses but she could feel it tangled in her feet.

"Are you okay?" Anna asked, scanning her face and then looking around her where she surely noticed the one foot sticking out behind Elsa.

"I think so. My ankle is a little sore and I landed a little hard on my hands." They ached slightly, but not much. She reached for the hand on her face and squeezed it. "It's alright, I hurried up the stairs too fast. Help me up?"

Anna didn't look so sure. "Your foot looks like it hurts."

"Just a little," Elsa lied, as it only began to throb more. Oh she had really twisted it!

With doubt still painted on her pretty face, Anna complied anyway to help Elsa up. She rose slowly and held Elsa's hand and arm to support her. It was a good thing too because as she rose and then tried to put weight on it, Elsa cried out and stumbled.

Anna still supported her though, standing there in her green nightgown and half brushed hair with worry swirling all around her. Elsa could feel it, and it was sort of alarming. It was just her foot. She shrugged it off for the moment. "Okay...it really hurts," she groaned. She was mad at herself, she knew better!

So did Anna, who had frowned when she noticed the various scrapes and bruises all over Elsa's body upon arriving from the forest. Ever since Anna had seen the way Elsa became clutzy and out of it after overextending herself, Elsa had to distract her out of lectures and make her smile through her fear. It wasn't a new thing, and something she had always talked to the castle doctor about, but for Anna it hadn't really been apparent until Elsa became queen. When the stress and tiredness hit, it had been rough.

Living in the forest compacted it. In Arendelle she had been a lot less likely to run into trees, fall off a horse into the ocean, and wander into a giant's nostril. Luckily the third had been an isolated event, not that the giant ever let her forget it. On top of the additional obstacles, there were times Elsa really pushed herself up there, in ways she hadn't in the castle. It wasn't often but it was draining...

Anna had one arm around her waist and her grip was tight. "You were dizzy, weren't you..." It wasn't a question. Anna knew her habits.

"A little, but..." Oh, Elsa felt guilty there and then. That's when she couldn't dismiss the energy coming off of Anna anymore. Her sister worried about her more than her own life. She put her arm around Anna both to calm her and help with the support.

Anna said nothing as they got to the bedroom. She escorted Elsa carefully to the bed and then sat her down on the edge. Elsa kept her foot raised and eyes on Anna, who immediately set about fluffing the pillows. "Hang on...hang oooon..." The anxiety coming off of her was growing.

"Anna, Anna I'm alright, its just my foot! I just tripped, it's nothing." Anna was acting like she'd just found Elsa in the middle of drowning.

"It's not nothing," Anna fretted and once she deemed the pillows good enough, she gestured for Elsa to get on the bed and sit back. Elsa did so with a little groan, lifting her leg and quickly settling it on the bed. There was an angry bruise forming.

Anna certainly noticed.

"You wanted water?"

"Anna..."

"You need to drink water. You know how much trouble you have when you can't concentrate."

Elsa opened her mouth to argue, but quickly shut it. Anna was right. Plus Elsa had been pretty thirsty, so what was the point of arguing? It wouldn't help with Anna's stress levels. "Okay," she said simply.

And with that Anna darted out of the room. Elsa watched and leaned her head back, simply studying the ceiling. She was so very upset with herself...it seemed like a pattern the way she always managed to make Anna worry over her. She felt so guilty. She had to tell herself it was sort of Anna's choice to worry and she couldn't control that - that line of thinking had helped her years ago when her mind otherwise would have told her she was less of a burden locked in her room.

No, it was definitely better for both of them, even if sometimes they worried and scared each other. Anna's love outweighed it all and Elsa wouldn't risk losing it by closing herself away again.

Still, she was silently making herself calm down a few minutes later when Anna rushed in the room with a small cushion and wrap under one arm and a new glass of water in her hand. She handed the water to Elsa first. "Drink," she said softly. Then she crawled onto the end of the bed, settling with her knees curled. She lifted Elsa's calf so she could place the injured foot in her lap.

It hurt a little.

Anna's touches were very careful and light as she examined her foot, a frown on her face. "I don't like this bruise," she said softly.

"Sorry..." Elsa didn't know how else to respond.

Anna shook her head. "Don't be sorry, you're hurt and I...I just want you to be more careful. You have bruises on your legs and don't think I didn't see that big scrape on your back. You heal up a little quicker but not instantly."

"I know. I've been trying, I really have. If I start to fall Gale usually catches me. I don't leave Ahtohallan if I feel out of it, or the village." Elsa knew that wasn't perfect, but it was a start and she was desperate to calm Anna. "I'm okay Anna, really, twisting my ankle is not a normal day for me." It really wasn't.

Anna didn't say anything and instead reached for the wrap. She moved Elsa's foot gently as she applied it, careful movements helping her wrap without much pain for Elsa. When it was on well, Anna traced the fabric with her fingers. "I worry about you all the time. You don't have to tell me you know that." She took a deep breath, sighed, and then lifted her head with a small smile. "And...you don't need me to be so negative, either. I know. But I've seen you collide with an entire family before when you were like this-"

Elsa nearly spat out the water she was trying to drink. "Oh, no! No don't remind me." That had been a very weird and awkward day. She'd made a lot of ice boats to try and compensate for the act.

"That was funny after I stopped panicing," Anna replied and she giggled a little. "There was also the time you got carried away saying you were going to make us an ice rink for the night but ended up freezing your feet to the ground."

"Oh yea, that was hilarious until Olaf poured hot water on my bare feet," Elsa mumbled and rolled her eyes.

Anna cradled her foot for another moment. "He was trying to help, even if he isn't always good at it." She gently moved Elsa's foot and traded the cushion for her lap. "This is from the couch, it's good and firm. I want you to keep your foot up and ice it!" she said, trying to sound bossy but it was way too cute.

"Yes, yes." Elsa waved her hand and immediately her foot was held in ice, structured so that she wouldn't accidentally move her foot more and hurt it during the night.

"Lucky that cold doesn't bother you," Anna commented as she watched. She looked at Elsa's face after. "Are you going to sleep in that dress? You'll get tangled! I'll untangle you but still..."

It had faded immensely, but there was still distress in the air and Elsa didn't want it there. She didn't care if she slept in the dress but with another, slower wave  of her hand, the long dress was gone and she remained in a very simple white and sparkly little gown that stopped at her knees. "Feel better?"

Anna nodded in approval and slid off the bed, rushing over to the trunk she stored extra bedding in. She rustled around for a few seconds before emerging with a good sized, thick blanket. "Just need this. I know you won't get cold but the ice..."

"Oh." Elsa blinked, setting down her finally emptied glass. Yea, that block of ice was going to bother Anna probably. "Sorry. Are you sure you want me to stay on the bed?" She'd move, but she also realized quickly it was a silly offer to make.

Immediately Anna had narrowed her eyes and rushed the bed with her blanket in her arms. She scrambled on next to Elsa. "No, you're staying right here! Don't move an inch, I won't miss one of my nights with you." She considered where to lay and smartly settled on Elsa's left, the foot that wasn't injured.

"Anna." Elsa laughed as her sister arranged the blanket over herself and partially over Elsa.

"Are you comfortable? Here, let me arrange the pillows so you can lay back now," Anna said, taking a couple that had been propping Elsa up. She put them behind herself instead and scooched in close. As she settled herself in for another nice cuddle, she kissed her sister's cheek.

Elsa smiled at her, noticing the way Anna's cheeks reddened. Elsa was usually the one who gave small kisses, something that Anna loved but was certainly shy about. "Love you too, Anna," she told her and enjoyed the extended blushing.

"You always know what I want to say," Anna said softly. "Or how I feel."

"And? You feel that too," she said, indicating their meshed energies. "I know you do."

"I do, I do. I never want to stop feeling it," Anna said as she rolled on her side and gazed up at Elsa.

"Neither do I," Elsa replied and stroked Anna's cheek. Anna's face was almost shining up at her. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"It's my favorite thing to do! Not that-not that I want you sick or hurt. I still want you to look after yourself, you know." Anna slid her arm around her in her typical way.

"Yes, yes. I know. I'll do better." Elsa didn't say she promised since she knew how she could be...but she was sure going to try.

Anna squeezed her and nodded. "Good. If you don't, you're going to spend a lot of time healing while listening to Olaf's trivia. How's that sound to you?"

At that, Elsa could only groan.

Children of BFFH, Entry 66

 Smiling in appreciation of the interior maze Maiko had created, I listened to her explain our battle strategy.  She and Doc would be our only defenders.  Four, Luce, and Crazy were currently casting spells to mess with Aid and Aiko’s ability to sense the paths.  Crazy was going to take the hidden backdoor out of the fortress while I pretended to be her, accompanying Four Maimo, and Luce to the main gate.  Stormcrow, of course, would be watching from above for enemy tricks.

 The strategy seemed fairly sound to me.  Maimo could easily shift the paths of the maze while people were inside, sensing their footsteps through the stone.  If there was too much resistance from the others blasting holes, Doc could buy her time, creating telekinetic barriers as needed.  Since neither Messy nor Aid would move at full speed during a battle, there was little chance of someone slipping through.  Even if someone managed to slip through, mazes weren’t the easiest places to search, proving fairly effective at delaying enemies in the past.  Actually...

 “What’s wrong, Dea?” questioned Maiko, looking concerned.

 “Hopefully, nothing, but I think Valeria can effectively walk through walls.  We might have to be extra careful if she slips inside.” I explained, not sure what to think of having the two new members of the game.  There was certainly excitement in the unknown, but both members were on the opposing team.  Had Ella planned that from the start?

 “She’s right.” agreed Four.  “We can see how it goes, since Valeria’s still inexperienced, but she might be able to sweep through the corridors without ever even entering the fortress.  Even if Valeria doesn’t think of it, the others might have.”

 “Are you completely positive that you don’t want me on defense?” questioned Crazy, grinning so madly that Maiko and Maimo both stepped back.

 “No, I still think I’ll manage.  Our flag isn’t in plain sight, and only Messy should be able to sense it easily.” insisted Maiko.  “Let’s just hope she’s on defense.  If she’s on offense, you better find their flag extra quick.”

 “Are you certain the puddle I left for you will be enough water for some kill shots?” asked Luce dubiously, despite having filled an entire pit.  For water battles, Luce liked to keep a large globe of water floating nearby, and wasn’t opposed to sucking the moisture out of the air whenever she needed more.

 Maiko and Maimo both nodded simultaneously as Maiko said, “Yes.  The water turrets are already loaded, so I really just need a little for refills if they get that far.”

 “Looks like they’ve signaled already.” announced Four.

 Maiko frowned, but told us “I think we’re ready enough.  Any objections?”  When no one disagreed, she signaled the timer.

 I quickly switched forms, trying not to think about how much I disliked the baggy shirt she had handed me to match the one she had prepared for Crazy.  We looked like we had borrowed one of Four’s shirts for a nightgown.  She probably had chosen this to give me more freedom for shifting, which I very much appreciated, but I feared the quadruplets took after their dad’s sense of style a little too much at times.

 When the countdown finished, my group headed out.  A large group was exiting the other fortress too, so I put on my wildest smile, attempting to look as Crazy as possible.  Unfortunately, head-to-head fights really weren’t my strong point.  If they attacked, the other team would quickly realize that I wasn’t the real Crazy, and probably take me out before I could mimic any of them effectively.  Luckily, Four and Luce could surely handle Aid quickly, and then help me with the others.  Having most of their team out for a minute might really help our odds of a quick win.  Apparently, the other group had similar thoughts.

 A large wall of fire encircled us barely a hundred feet out of the gate.  The other group started to jog toward the back of our fortress.  Stormcrow was immediately on them, having barely left the grounds himself, and launched a lightning bolt toward them.  My jaw dropped when I saw an equally large bolt almost knock him out of the sky.  Who could have…  The answer popped into my head almost as fast as the question.  Valeria.  Valeria was in that group, defending them.  She must’ve redirected his lightning.

 “Walking over.” stated Four, having finished creating an illusion over the top of a telekinetic bridge, so we’d know where to walk.

 As I hurried up and over the flames, I was thankful that Aid or Aiko was keeping the heat from reaching past the fire’s light.

 “Duck!” exclaimed Luce as a child-sized bird hybrid flew at us on the bridge.

 If not for Luce, Maimo would have been splashed by one of the water balloons that had been dropped, taking her out.  None of us were used to two birds in the air.

 “You know… I’d feel bad if I zapped her.” stated Maimo with a frown.

 “Just scare her a little.” suggested Luce with a grin as she fired off streams of water from the nearby, floating globe.  “Oh.  Nevermind.” she stated when Rona’s wing was struck and Momma Mila announced her being out.  “I really expected her to dodge that one.”

 I rolled my eyes.  Luce had obviously sent it a bit fast for most of us to dodge.

 “Shouldn’t we attack the other group?” I suggested, feeling more confident that we’d be able to take them all out.

 Four shook his head.  “Not the mission.  Don’t you have faith in Maiko’s defense?’

 “Well, I do, but Valeria’s still a bit of an unknown.  Cosette’s training her.” I reminded him.

 He nodded once as he said, “Fair point.  I’ll go slow them down a little more.  The rest of you gang up on Messy and get their flag.  Aspy’s probably with her.”

 Feeling a moment of envy for his eyesight, I temporarily altered my eyes to get a better look at the other group.  He was right.  Aspy wasn’t there.  Valeria was surprisingly adept at redirecting attacks.  The other group was almost to our wall.

 “Run, guys!” ordered Luce as she started off at what would look like a jog to anyone that didn’t know her.  For Luce, this pace was barely more than a walk.

 A portcullis lowered behind and in front of us as soon as we passed the threshold.  Normal metal would probably bend under Luce’s strength, but this fortress was never made of normal metal.

 “Right…  Give me a minute.” stated Luce with a frown.  The floating globe of water spread out into a large number of rotating streams, sawing away different sections of the portcullis.

 “This is why Aika prefers going over walls.” mumbled Maimo.

 “We’ll go over on the way out.” stated Luce as she glared at the portcullis.

 Sticking with my role, I grinned and asked “Are you sure you don’t want me to…?”

 “No, Crazy.  I have this.” insisted Luce.

 If the real Crazy had been spotted yet, there would be a large amount of noise from walls being torn apart.  Crazy’s punch made even Luce’s look gentle, at least when she punched at Messy.

 When Luce busted through, I had expected Messy to reveal herself, but I still didn’t see her anywhere.

 Luce started to step through the opening, but bounced off thin air.  “Cheap, Aspy!” she exclaimed, despite knowing that Doc would probably be doing similar by now.  She started punching it repeatedly, knowing that he’d have to exert more effort than she was to keep her out.

 “Are you sure I shouldn’t…” I started to ask.

 “No!” exclaimed Luce, punching and following the blow through the now empty hole.  Running into a large, metal wall that appeared in front of her, she called “Really, Messy!?  That’s how we’re playing today!?”

 If there was a limit to the number of walls Messy could create consecutively, none of us knew it.  She never seemed tired.

 The wall vanished to show Messy grinning.  “Sorry!  I couldn’t resist.” she teased.

 “Ready to dance?” I asked, doing my best to look as excited as possible and hoping Messy didn’t accidentally dismember me with her control being a little worse than normal still.

 “Nice try, Dea.  Serenity’s creeping up the Southeast tower at the moment.” replied Messy, still smiling as her golden gaze rested on me.

 “No fair!” exclaimed Crazy, probably from the indicated tower.  She could yell really loud when she wanted.

 With the gig officially up, I changed to a much larger form, strengthening my muscles and bones.  “My turn first.” I announced, lifting the broken chunk of portcullis and charging Messy with it.

 She stopped me with a kick, but I was satisfied that the ground was indentend from the impact.  There wasn’t a chance that I could beat Messy in hand-to-hand combat on my best day, but I had three allies.  I had at least a fifty-fifty chance that Crazy would get excited and abandon the search to try giving Messy a timeout, assuming Luce and Maimo didn’t manage to take her out first.

 As Messy dodged my next hit, she was forced to use her power for aerial flips off nothing.  Luce was mercilessly trying to tag her out with hundreds of watery streams flying through the air.  I doubted even Four could dodge quite that much, but Messy had an infinite number of tricks at her disposal.  She twisted and turned through the air, creating floating knight-like shields to deflect streams as needed.  The shields would vanish as they fell.

 To my surprise, I managed to grab her ankle, so I quickly tried flinging her into Luce’s barrage of water.  Instead, she pushed her hands off nothing, hurling me into a hole that opened under me…. a wet hole.

 “Dea has been killed, but will be able to return in one minute.” announced Momma Mila.

 Auntie Raine had already moved me off the field.  Sitting there, I felt confident that I could have dodged that pit if I hadn’t overextended myself, but I had grown too excited.  Next time, I’d do better.

 I did too.  After my respawn, we had managed to get a kill shot on Messy when I distracted her with a few well-timed water spells.  Unfortunately, we couldn’t find the flag.  We had searched for only around five minutes when Mila announced the first capture, which was followed by the second incredibly quickly.

 Laughing, Crazy said, “They used Valeria!  That’s awesome!”  Going by her unfocused expression, I guessed she was doing that thing where she watched elsewhere without moving.

 My group didn’t even bother heading to defense.  We all knew that we were beaten, since Ella had taken advantage of a gap in the rules.  Without a doubt, we should have seen that one coming, but no one had expected Ella to pull such a trump card.

Help Wanted || Tom Holland

Warnings: prostitute character, mentions of sex, dickbag Harrison (or logical), talk of theft, talk of drugs, talk of STDs, talk of loaning money, language. 

Word Count: 4,816 

Author’s Note: So I wrote this to where it’s not reader insert, just because I feel that the story goes better without it being sort of personal and insertable, so the main character’s name is Skyler. This is the prostitute fic that I wrote, but don’t worry, it’s not super descriptive into the profession. Enjoy!

Italicized text means a flashback. 

My Masterlist || Add yourself to one of my taglists

"Tom you can't help her. She'll take you for everything you have. She only acts like she wants you to help her because she knows you're worth something." Harrison had rambled in the middle of Tom's living room. "This is why I didn't tell you." "Why because you knew I'd give you an intellectual insight?" "She's not like that. When I come in she's in the shower. She wears my clothes and she definitely doesn't steal anything. She's a good person." "She's a prostitute Tom. You met her on a street corner. She's a whore." 

That conversation resounded in Tom's mind everytime he glanced up at his apartment building and counted the floors to find his living room light on. He never panicked. He gave her a key for a reason. Even if he was hesitant at first because of her... profession, he still trusted her. Riding the elevator up, he slowly walked down the hall to his door, sliding the key in the lock and waiting for it to click open. When it did, he walked inside, dropping his keys in the bowl and hanging his coat up. Walking just a few steps forward, the bathroom light clicked off and Skyler stepped out in a button up of Tom's, stopping in her tracks when she saw him at the end of the hall. "Hey." He smiled, "Hey." Swallowing, he walked towards her, "What was it this time?" She sighed and shrugged, "I didn't have enough money for rent. I knew that if I walked in that building, my landlord would have my ass." Tom nodded, leaning against the wall beside her, "If you need money-" "No. That'd just prove your friend's point." "He doesn't have to know." "But I know... I don't want you to give me money. You do more than enough." Smiling wider, Tom took his tongue between his teeth, "Offering you a shower and the oppurtunity to wear my clothes is enough?" Standing confused for just a moment, Skyler gave a shy smirk, "Yeah. I was uhh... I was actually going to make you dinner. I saw you had chicken and I was gonna try and make an asian dish for you." Tom nodded, "Sounds good." She nodded, playing with the ends of her hair, "I thought you might like it. I could... still make it if you want." Tom nodded, "Yeah, you can go start it while I take a shower. I'll be there in just a minute to help you." She nodded, "Yeah, okay. I'll uhh... I'll go start it. Do you know if you have honey?" Tom nodded, "Yeah I use it in my tea. It's in the cupboard." She nodded before they parted and Tom walked into the bathroom while Skyler walked off to the kitchen. Scowering through his cabinets, Skyler found what she was looking for before turning the burner on and adding the raw chicken, adding lemon juice and honey to the pan and then sugar, salt, and chicken broth. Standing at the counter, she sighed, crossing her arms. Deciding to leave the mixture on the stove, Skyler trails down the hall, finding Tom a pair of boxers and sweats before walking towards the bathroom, "I uhh... I'm not looking. I just thought I'd bring you some clothes." Tom hums, water hitting the shower floor, "Thanks." She nods, avoiding the glass door as she sets his clothes on the sink's counter. "I didn't know if you wanted a shirt. I didn't bring you one. I can if you want to." "No that's okay. I don't need a shirt. Although... it sounded like you were coming onto me just then." Smiling, she turned her back to him, "Definitely not. I'll be in the kitchen." Her heart pounded in her ears as she wrapped her mind around his statement. She'd never made a move in Tom's direction. She didn't view herself as worthy even if he put her on a pedestal. He'd met her just as Harrison reminded him, on a street corner. She'd been selling herself to make extra cash and Tom had eyes on her. Of course he thought she was beautiful. Most of the hookers in New York were before they sold themselves to businessmen cheating on their wives for drug money. But Tom could see that Skyler wasn't like that. Sure she'd sold herself for cash but it wasn't for drug money. She wasn't some sleazy whore that flaunted her body to anyone who pulled up against the curb. She'd been someone before. She'd been a student before, Tom knew that much. She was just trying to make ends meet and the only way to do it quick enough was give someone a good time for an hour. "Do that many men actually pay to have sex with you?" "What are you trying to say Tom, I'm not attractive enough for men to pay to have sex with me?" "No, no, no, that's not what I was saying. I just... you know how in those movies sometimes men pay just to have someone to talk to or... they pay and when the girl gets in the car, they like hack her up and bury her body in the desert? I was just wondering if it was like that. I was wondering if you've ever been paid to be a therapist." She shrugged, dipping a fry into the ketchup on her plate, "Yeah. But most guys are selfish and wanna get off. I've had... well ya know... everywhere." Tom smiled, but his cheeks turned a dark shade of pink at the mention of her sexual encounters. "But I'm... I'm clean. If that's... what you're thinking." "No, no, that's not what I was thinking. Even if you weren't, I don't... I don't plan on doing that sort of... stuff with you. You don't have to justify yourself to me. I just... I wanna offer you a place to stay. If you ever feel threatened or you just need some company that isn't using you for your... services, you're always welcome. You can have whatever's in my kitchen and you can wear stuff from my closet if you'd like. Use the shower, I just," sliding the spare key to his apartment across the table, Skyler glanced down at his hand, "I want you to have a second option no matter what. You're... there's just something about you that I can't... I can't wrap my mind around it but I like you. I wanna help you." "It smells good in here." Tom spoke up quietly as he entered the kitchen, still drying his hair. Skyler jumped, being broken from her thoughts. He paused, looking her over, "Sorry. Did I scare you?" She nodded, "Uh yeah. That's okay though. I just... I was just thinking." Taking a few steps forward, he stood beside her, "What were you thinkin about?" She swallowed, "Just... that first time you offered your help." He nodded, "Ahh... I see. Those were uhh... those were pretty awkward times." "Its still awkward Tom. I don't live here but I'm always here when you come home. It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous." "Hey," stepping forward, Tom guided Skyler's eyes back to his with a finger under her chin, "hey you. You're not ridiculous darling. I gave you that key for this purpose. When I gave you that key, I told you you could take a shower and raid my closet. I told you you could have food. I did it because I know. I know that you felt this was your only other option. It was a dangerous decision, but you made it work. I gave you that key because I want you here." Staring up into his chocolate colored eyes, she nodded, looking away before she did anything reckless, "I know. I just don't want to overextend my stay." "You never will." Tom couldn't help but remember the feelings he felt the first time she called for help. She was sobbing and his heart broke and raced at the same time. The idea that she might be in danger scared the living hell out of him. The moment she ducked into his car, all he do could do as she rambled apologies was drag her into him, the rain water on her clothes sticking his clothes to him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I scared you." "Don't apologize to me." He scolded, taking her face in his hands, "Don't ever do that. Okay?" She nodded and for once in her life, she was grateful for being yelled at. She'd never been told not to do something. She'd never been put in her place before. Especially by a man. And now, here Tom was, holding her eyes in his so intently, she thought she might explode. Or cry. Or both. "Let's get you home love. Let's get you in some warm clothes." "This is good. What is it?" Tom spoke up, his eyes wandering Skyler's spaced out face. She blinked before glancing over at him, "Its sticky chinese lemon chicken. Its normally served with rice. If you want I could-" "I got it. It's the least I could do. You're already doing the chicken." Pulling the box from his cupboard, he started on the rice, turning to her while it cooked. His eyebrows knit together, "What's that look for?" She shook her head, looking at the floor, "Nothing. You're just... you're just really amazing. I can't believe I was blessed with someone like you." Stepping forward, he reached up to tuck hair behind her ear, running his fingers down to her chin, "I'm nothing special love. I'm human and I have a little bit of sympathy." "You don't have to though. Your friend doesn't." "And I know that. He fuels the fire." "But he's right. You don't owe me anything. You literally met me when I was whoreing myself out on a street corner." "Yeah, but look at you now. You don't feel comfortable with it. It was a way to make extra cash and you are an absolutely beautiful girl with an amazing ability and... you... dare I say screwed up. But you're trying. I know you are." Taking her hand, Tom held it in his own. Skyler could feel her heart skip a beat. She'd wanted, so badly. since the moment they first met, to be his. To be his forever. But he'd never asked and she'd never pushed. "I am trying. Its just... it's hard." "And I know that." "And look at me Tom. I'm pitiful. I'm wearing your fucking button up God dammit. I'm just-" "Skyler stop." Dragging her into his arms, tears slowly slipped down her cheeks as she laid her head against his bare shoulder. He rubbed his hands up and down her back, "You're not just anything. You're an amazing girl and anyone, no matter how close I am to them, not willing to see you for who you are on the inside versus a definition based on your profession isn't worth anyone's of our time. Do you understand me?" Leaning back, he collected her face in his hands. She nodded, feeling her heart swell more as he scolded her. Reaching up, she held his hands over his face, closing her eyes. Sighing, she opened her eyes, a tear running down her cheek. Tom reached up and swiped it away with his thumb, caressing her cheek. She swallowed as he pulled away. "Hell... you should just move in. I could get you a job. We could share-" "No. I'm not doing that to you. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that I'm gonna move in with you because your friend doesn't trust me. You're still not completely convinced that you trust me. And playing the sympathy card, saying that you want me to move in, you're not... you're not thinking straight." Leaning on her hands on the counter, she sighed. She dropped to her elbows, tucking hair behind both of her ears, "I'm not worth all this. I'm not worth the time or the patience or the money, or this key." Pulling it from the pocket of his shirt, she sighed and set it on the counter, "I'm not worth the trouble of all of this. I'm not worth the friendships sacrificed or the time put into this relationship. I mean, I'll never be with you. I'm not worthy of that. I'm not worthy of the feeling of-" "What do you mean you'll never be with me?" Looking up from the pan of chicken, Tom's eyebrows knit together. Glancing up at him, Skyler paused mid sentence, her mouth closing, "I just mean.... we- we'll never..." "Hook up? I don't hook up with you because of your profession. I don't-" "No Tom, not hook up. That's not what I meant. I just meant... I'm not worthy of girlfriend material for you. You don't even like me. You're creeped out by the mention of sex. You think I'm gross and I-" "STOP! Skyler." She looked down at the floor as he scoffed, "Skyler, the entire reason you're allowed in my house is because I'm in love with you." Looking up with wide eyes, she pursed her lips, "What?" Tom smiled, nodding. "I've been into you the second you climbed in my car that first night. The second you looked at me I knew I wanted nothing more. All I've ever wanted was you and that's why I have such a hard time listening to you bag on yourself. I don't come onto you... I don't ask or offer sex because I know you hate it. You made that a profession and the thought of it disgusts you. I know that. I'm not disgusted by you. I really don't care. If you wanna show me bloodwork that tells me you're clean, by all means, you go out and you do it, but that doesn't determine how strong my feelings are for you. I've been in love with you for months now." Staring at each other for a moment, Skyler's heart pounded in her ears. She could feel the tears stinging her eyes again. "Really?" Tom didn't hesitate to nod, "Of course." She stood, frozen where she stood for a moment longer before throwing herself at him. Binding her arms around his neck, he wrapped his around her waist, "I don't care if we never have sex. It's not about that. I love you for what's on the inside." Holding his neck, she pulled back, staring into his genuine, vibrant eyes, "Why haven't you said anything?" He scoffed again, "Right, because you totally wanna be mine. Obviously now I know you do, but... all those times you and I passed in the hall it was kinda awkward. I figured you just... I dunno, needed a place to stay and you just saw me as a friend." "No. No. God Tom, I thought... I thought you'd never be into me. I'm so... I'm grateful for you and I can't imagine life without you. I want to be your forever. God I'd want nothing more." He smiled, "I want that too. I've wanted that for a long time." Smiling, Tom glanced down at her lips, holding her off of her feet. Taking hold of his cheeks, she nodded. He leaned in, her doing the same and in moments, their lips touched in a passionate, every nerve ending on fire, kiss. She held him close, her legs binding around his waist as he worked his lips against hers. Setting her on the counter, she whimpered, tangling her fingers in his hair. He trailed kisses down her neck, her breath coming out in pants and short puffs, her heart pounding out against his chest. He brushed her hair aside, kissing a goosebumped patch of hollowed skin just beside the column of her throat. He could smell his shampoo in her hair. He could smell his body wash across her torso as his nose ran up the underside of her jaw. "So this new girl. She cute?" "God, she's gorgeous Haz. She... she's brunette and she's got the softest hazel eyes and she just... she's perfect. She's what I want in life." Harrison smiled, "That's great man. She sounds good." "Yeah, she is mate." Clapping Tom on the shoulder, Harrison smiled, sipping his drink, "So what does she do? She have a job?" Tom was quick to nod, "Uhh yeah... yeah, she's got a job. Well... kinda." "What do you mean?" Glancing at his best friend over the rim of his tumbler, Harrison furrowed his brows. Tom sighed, running the tip of his index finger over his own glass, "She uhh," glancing around the nearly empty bar, he leaned back against the back of their booth, "she's a... she's a prostitute." If Harrison had anything in his mouth, he would've choked. "Come again?" Swallowing, Tom inhaled and slowly nodded, "I was driving around the night I met her. I parked on a curb. Needed to clear my head and I saw her on a corner across from me. She looked scared. And she was even more so when I approached her. She was like a little abused puppy. But I asked her if she'd like me to take her to get some coffee or some food and with a little bit of reasoning she agreed. So... I took her to a diner, paid for some food, talked to her for a couple hours and I took her home. Saw her a few days later and I... I slipped her my key. The spare. And I hope she uses it." "You gave her your spare key? You gave a PROSTITUTE your spare key?" Tom nodded, "Yeah. She's a real sweet girl and-" "Tom, you do realize the first chance she gets, she'll rob you blind." "She's not like that." "How do you know? She's a whore who sells her body for money. She's probably been with more men than you have fans." "Harrison, shut up. She's a sweet girl and she doesn't deserve this shit. If you ever are in the same room as her and you spout off with this bullshit, I'll kill you myself. I do what I want. You're not gonna tell me how to live my life and you're not gonna tell me who and who not to trust. I trust her. If I get fucked over, it's on me, but I trust her." Tom could feel his blood boil. He could feel his heart pump molten lava through his veins. Glancing up at his best friend, Harrison's eyes had gone dark. He raised his eyebrows and sighed, glancing up at the bar, "Whatever mate. I'll just kick back and tell you I told you so when she takes you for everything you're worth. Maybe then you'll take a look at one of these fine ladies in this bar just waiting to be claimed. But you do you. Your life. As is." "Hey... you okay?" Skyler's soft, hazel eyes careened Tom back to reality. He blinked the image of Harrison away, standing back, "Uhh yeah. Yeah, I'm alright. Just... just thinking about something." "Yeah, what's that?" "Its nothing," waving a hand between them as he turned the burner under the rice out, Tom glanced up at her, "it's nothing. It was just the first time I told Harrison about you. When I told him about approaching you. I remember being so enamoured by you and I couldn't wait to tell him, and I figured he'd be happy and he'd let it slide, and then he asked me what you did for a living. I let it slip and..." Skyler glanced at the floor as Tom shook his head, pulling the lid off the rice and stirring it, "He called me a whore." Tom scoffed in his nose, his eyebrows furrowing in distaste, "He had so much to say about a girl he'd never met that night. He thought I was a fool and he told me I could have anyone in that bar that I wanted and I was making a mistake but I knew..." looking back to Skyler, Tom nodded, "I knew I was making the right decision." "And you still think that?" Skyler cocked her head and smoothed his shirt down over her knees. Tom smiled down at the pot of rice. Nodding slowly, he looked up at her after a moment, "Yeah. Yeah I still think that." She giggled, something he didn't hear often after a moment when he took a step towards her. Wrapping her arms around his neck, Tom slid Skyler across the counter, leaning in on his hands, "I will never, ever regret you. When I met you that first night, I saw how scared you were. I saw how you wanted out and when I offered you dinner, I could see how scared you were of me. I'm not even in the profession and I knew how dangerous it was getting in my car. I knew the second I offered I sounded like a serial killer, but..." letting Skyler run her fingers through his hair, he sighed, "I wanted you. As... creepy as that sounds ya know? I wanted you to be someone that I could confide in and vice versa. I knew I wanted to help someone and you were presented at the right moment. I wanted to help." "And you did. I was terrified. I'm always terrified when a new guy comes in. You never know what they're capable of and I could go missing. No one would care." "I would." She giggled again when he leaned in, her chin in his fingers and gently kissed her lips. She sighed, "You really... don't think you're... outta your depth at all?" She quizzed between kisses. Tom shook his head, drawing her lip back between his teeth, "Nope." Leaning back, she ran her thumb across his cheekbone. Cocking her head, she hummed in her throat, "I don't deserve you." Tilting his own head, he kissed the hill of her hand, his eyes locked in hers, "You don't know how much you're worth my sweet girl." She smiled, draping her wrists over Tom's shoulders. Stroking his hair back, she licked her lips and sat straight up, "Ask me out. I wanna actually be asked out by someone in my lifetime." Tom smiled, laughing through his nose, "Alright. Skyler, would you like to go on a date with me?" Her smile widened. She nodded, hair falling in her eyes, "Yes. Yeah Tom, I'll go out with you." Leaning in again, he pressed a quick kiss to her lips before pulling back completely, "So dinner." Hopping from the counter, she helped Tom plate the food before sitting across from him. Picking up his fork, he glanced up, "What?" She shook her head, "Nothing. I was just thinking that... I kinds wanna meet your friend." Tom took her hand when she held it out, "If you want him to burst into flames then yeah, sure. If you wanna meet him, I can set something up. I'm not telling you no. The idea scares me a little though." "Then you don't have to introduce us. I just... I want him to meet the whore that's stealing his best friend." Tom's smile widened, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles, "No one's stealing me from anyone. I want the both of you to get along. It'll make things a lot easier." She nodded, leaning on her other hand, "I want to get along with him to. I don't like the idea of your longtime best friend not liking me." "Me neither love." Squeezing her hand, Skyler leaned back, flashing him a smile that reminded him of the way she sat across from him in the diner the first night they met. Back then it was shy though. Reserved. Scared. "Hi darling." When she glanced up at Tom through curly brown locks, he could see the fear swimming in her beautiful hazel eyes. She took a hesitant step back and Tom held his hand out. "Sorry. Sorry, I- I didn't mean to spook you. I didn't mean to sneak up on you like that. I uhh... i was sitting in my car over there and i saw that you looked... hesitant. I saw you looked scared. I thought I'd come ask you if you were okay. Talk you up a little bit." That same hesitancy swam in her dark eyes. Her mouth hung open just the slightest. She closed it as she swallowed and nodded, pulling the small bag at her hip, higher onto her shoulder, "M'fine." Tom tucked his hands in his pockets and nodded, "Okay. Okay, yeah. I uhh... I just wanted to make sure. Are you... lost? I could help you find your way." She was weary to shake her head again. What would this pretty boy think of her if he knew she was a hooker? She shook her head firmly, "No I'm not lost." Tom cocked his head just the slightest, confusion written across his features. He hmphed in his throat, "Then why are you out here in the cold wearing a skirt and tank top. I mean... its the middle of winter and you must be cold. I-" The look on Tom's face was like a lightbulb when off in his head. His dark eyes met hers and his mouth hung open, his cheeks seemingly growing more pink in embarrassment, "I-I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were a uhh... I didn't know you were a prostitute. I mean... I don't mean that in a derogatory way I just, I didn't-" "No it's okay. It's okay, I am. I'm a... I am a prostitute." Skyler glanced down at her feet and Tom felt terrible. He didn't take a step forward, afraid of scaring her, "Hey, it's okay. I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean that. You can tell me to fuck off now. I deserve it, I don't blame you." Reaching up, she tucked hair behind her ear, "No it's okay. Seriously. I brought it on myself. I don't have a right to get upset about it. You're a nice guy. I'm not upset." Tom nodded, licking his lips and wondering how she wasn't freezing. Glancing up and down the street he cleared his throat, "Listen I uhh... I know this is sudden and uncalled for and now I don't deserve the company of a pretty girl like yourself, but I uhh... can I offer you some coffee or dinner? There's a diner down the road. They've got really got chicken tenders if you're interested. My treat." She quickly shook her head, "No I couldn't. I couldn't ask you to do that I-" "Please, it's the least I could do. I've snuck up on you, I've insulted you, hell, you probably deserve a lot more than what I'm offering for the way I've treated you the past two minutes we've somewhat known each other." His bright, exuberant smile made her heart race in her chest. He tucked his hands in his pockets, "Look, if I leave you out here I'll feel guilty as hell. Just... an hour with me, in public, I just don't want you to freeze to death out here. You can have whatever you want." The idea tugged at her brain, unravelling the ribbon around her heart that protected her from human emotions like her clients didn't like. Each time a breeze picked up, her knees threatened to give out. She was cold and the fear of climbing in his car, never to be heard from again was strong but he was offering a chance many people didn't. And she liked the idea of it. Tom was patient, looking her over as she glanced around them for a moment before she licked her lips and slowly nodded. Tom smiled, "There ya go. Come on. I've got my mind set on cherry pie and coffee now." Turning his back to her, he started towards his car, turning to make sure she followed. When he opened the passenger side door, she climbed in and waited for him, looking over as he climbed in beside her and turned the heater on. Pausing movement for just a moment, Tom reached in his pocket and pulled out money, counting a hundred dollars out and holding it over the center console, "I'm not paying you for sex or anything. I uhh... I want you to have it. It's probably not much but something." When she opened her mouth, Tom shook his head, "Its alright. You can take it. A hundred... isn't much, ya know? Just uhh... pretend it didn't happen." Taking it after a few moments, she nodded and tucked it into her clutch. Tom swallowed and pulled his car into drive,

"Oh uhh... by the way," looking to her, he smiled again, "I'm Tom. Tom Holland."

Taglist: @embrace-themagic @delicioustommy @spiderman-n @winters-beauty @smexylemony @lolabean1998

Slowly Descending Into Madness Part III: Carrie Fisher Powers Activate!

One of my biggest aspirations is to not care what others think of me. I’ve always wished I could walk through life without shame, fear, and guilt. I could finally be myself! But alas, my brain is not wired this way. In fact, my crippling anxiety has made me a constant people pleaser. You know how people on reality shows are always saying, “I’m not here to make friends”? I’m the opposite. Not only do I care what others think of me, I lose sleep worried that they don’t like me. Every interaction with another person is me being overly polite and agreeable as possible. It’s not just wanting people to like me either. I want people to see me as reliable, trustworthy, and the person everyone can depend on. I’ll do whatever I can to make this possible. I’ll bend over backwards to help someone out. If I think there’s even a small amount of tension between us, I’ll do whatever I have to to alleviate the situation. This of course applies to close friends and family, but it also extends to casual acquaintances, complete strangers, and even people who bully me. Have you ever bought presents for your bullies after they harassed you? I have. More than once. 

Part of this is because I genuinely love to help people. I’m an empath, so I especially love to help people on an emotional level. I’m the one to call when your significant other broke up with you, a loved one has died, you’re feeling suicidal, etc. It’s gratifying to help people through that. Having this ability to easily feel what others are feeling is so helpful in these situations! Using this power also requires a lot of energy, and it’s easy to burn myself out. The problem is, I use my empath powers for everyone in my life. This is where I’ve gotten into trouble. Because I agree to everything, I’ve ended up in situations I don’t want to be in*, overextended myself to burnout, and have had others take advantage of me. Of course I don’t get the feeling of love that normally comes from helping others. I do get a small amount of relief, but this is only because my anxiety was more worried about what would have happened had I established healthy boundaries.  About a year ago, I finally read Carrie Fisher’s memoir Wishful Drinking.* I always loved Carrie, but this was when she became my hero. In the book, she talks so openly about mental illness, addiction, and taking medication to manage her illness. All of these things are so stigmatized in our culture, but she never hid her struggles from anyone. It was all in a positive light, too, which is also rare. She wore her mental illness as a badge of honor, and she celebrated all the treatments (medication and electroshock therapy) that were helping her. On top of all of this, she was able to laugh at all of it. Some of her stories are downright traumatic, but she used humor to cope. 

And she embodied the trait that I want most: she really didn’t give a shirt what people thought of her. She was authentically and unapologetically herself. She was comfortable with her eccentricities. This was especially true the last few years of her life. Watch this interview to see what I’m talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kh1t2MJDbrs You see what I mean? LEGENDARY.  How often do you see someone that so clearly does not care at all what you think of them? This here exactly is how I wish I could be.

And she left our world right after 45 was elected. Wise woman.  At some point in the past year, my inspiration from Carrie combined with my existential dread. I’m recognizing and accepting that I will one day die and nothing will happen after. I can be completely selfless and kind to every person I ever meet, and it will have no effect on my inevitable death. I finally accepted that it’s okay for me to be rude to people who are rude to me. This isn’t to say I’m going to start acting like a jerk to everyone. My mantra will always be, in the words of the great Wil Wheaton, “don’t be a dink”. I’ll still try to show kindness and decency to everyone I meet. However, I’m realizing there’s no reason to show the same respect for someone who is being a jerk.  I’ve recently been trying this trick. When I’m in a social situation, and I feel awkward, uncomfortable, or weak; I imagine myself summoning the spirit of Carrie Fisher. I let her demonically posses me, and I act how she would in my place.*  A couple months ago, for the very first time, I flipped off a couple of complete strangers. They were yelling at me from their car because I was using the pedestrian crossing. I was crossing the street, and they almost ran me over. I had the right of way, but they were yelling at me. My overly empathetic, anxiety ridden self instinctively goes to apologize. But I fought it. Instead I narrowed my eyes at them and flipped them off as I walked to the other side of the street. They scoffed at me then drove away.  I felt exhilarated. My anxiety brain was still yelling at me, but I stood up to it. “What’s the worst that can happen from this? They go on NextDoor and complain? Yeah...that’s the worst that could happen. NextDoor is just Twitter for old people anyway.*” Then I put the whole situation behind me.  I stood up for myself. I stood up to my anxiety.  I’ve been trying to do this more and more. If someone is being rude, I try to be rude back and not care about the consequences. I only have so much empath energy to spare, so I should save it for those I really care about. If I spend it all on jerks, then I might not have enough when a loved one needs me. And when there’s no such thing as karma, I really lose nothing.   I’ve also come to realize that I don’t need to impress my friends and family anymore. My friends, at this point, are aware of my quirks and have decided that they don’t mind them (or they’re super patient...maybe both)*. Now, when I meet new people, I summon Carrie Fisher again. I act like myself. I’ll bring my quirks to the surface for all to see. If this person does become my friend, they’ll get there eventually anyway. Might as well let them decide immediately whether or not they can handle me.  I’m letting myself get more outspoken. If you get to know me, you’ll also learn my political and philosophical leanings immediately. Why hide it? It’s a part of me, and there’s some issues I take a hard stance on. For example, I’m 100% trans rights, and I will have nothing to do with anyone who disagrees with that. I don’t have time or the empathy powers to spend on people who think trans people shouldn’t exist. I’ll be rude to them because, again, I lose nothing.  I don’t think I’ll ever reach Scully levels of “I don’t care what people think of me” (see first picture), but I’m at least on the right path, I think.  And at least this existential crisis has finally been good for something!

The Grandma War

I’ve been working on this for a couple of months now, and when I heard that the last daily theme of Killervibe Week was going to be AU, I knew it was the kick in the pants I needed to finish this piece of silly fluff. Hope you enjoy.

Thanks to @killervibedaily for hosting this great week and reminding me why I love these two and how much they feel for each other, whether it’s canon or all in my head.

The Grandma War

 "I'm telling you, honey, she's a scourge."

"You mentioned that, Grandma," Caitlin Snow said patiently, matching her pace to her grandmother's as they walked in the front doors. "A few times now."

Her grandmother sniffed. "Well, she is."

"Okay," Caitlin said, smiling at the attendant at the front desk as she signed them in.

"You have a tiff with Luna, Charlotte?" the attendant asked. "I'm sorry to hear that."

Tiff was putting it mildly. From the sounds of it, Charlotte Snow had loathed her roommate from the moment they'd met the week before, and the sentiment was returned with equal if not greater fervor.

Caitlin had gotten an earful about Luna Aguilar from the day her grandma had been transferred to the rehab home from the hospital. She was just waiting to get called to either the police station or the morgue, because one of them had killed the other.

Charlotte grumbled about Luna all the way up the elevator. As they stepped into the hall on her floor, Caitlin asked, "Can't you at least try to get along with her? You two are both going to be here for months, recovering."

"I'm not the one who started it, darling."

Caitlin sighed. "She's an old lady with a broken hip, Grandma, and the worst thing she's ever actually done is get the bed by the window."

"She's a demon."

Caitlin dropped it, since they were getting close to the room and she didn't want Luna to overhear. Not that her grandma ever had such qualms herself - and neither did her roommate. Caitlin sighed to herself, wondering how two women with a combined one hundred and sixty-eight years on the planet still managed to act like squabbling children.

"Hey there, Mrs. S," someone said as they worked their way into the room. It was a young man sitting on the end of the bed up against the window. He had Luna's golden skin, and shiny black hair that fell in waves to his broad shoulders. He glanced at her, interest in his dark eyes, and gave her a quick, bright smile like a burst of sunlight. She smiled tentatively back.

"Good afternoon, Cisco," Charlotte said. She narrowed her eyes at the woman in the other bed. "Luna."

"Charlotte," the other woman said coldly.

"Hi, Mrs. Aguilar," Caitlin said politely. "How's your hip today?"

"Hello, Caitlin. It's better. How are you, mija?"

"I'm fine, thanks for asking."

There was a little pause, while Caitlin looked in between her grandmother, Mrs. Aguilar, and the young man - Cisco. He seemed to be doing the same thing.

"Well," he said, hopping to his feet, clearly having come to the conclusion that they had to be in charge of their own introduction.  "Hi. I'm Cisco Ramon." He held out his hand. "I'm Luna's grandson."

"Caitlin Snow," she said, shaking it. His hand was warm and firm around hers. "Charlotte's granddaughter."

"Nice to meet you."

"You too."

"You guys have a good day out?"

"Pretty good, and how was yours?"

"I owe Nana about seven thousand dollars," he said cheerfully. "So a good day for her."

"Were you playing bridge?"

"Hell, no, Texas Hold'em. And she cheats."

"Surprise surprise," Charlotte muttered.

Caitlin hissed, "Grandma," at her. It wasn't like Charlotte didn't cheat outrageously at gin rummy every chance she got.

"What was that?" Luna asked.

"Nothing," both Caitlin and Cisco said at once.

Luna looked suspicious, but she started scooping the cards on her tray table back into their box without comment.

Caitlin narrowed her eyes at her grandmother, who looked innocent. "Time for my nap, I think," the old lady sighed, settling into her bed.

Caitlin frowned at her, all her bad behavior forgotten. "Grandma! You should have told me you were getting tired. You can't overextend yourself. You had a major heart attack not that long ago. Do you want to go home soon or not?"

"Darling, stop fussing." Her grandma squeezed her hand. "I was doing perfectly fine. The day I overextend myself at minyan isn't here yet. It just hit me all of a sudden just now."

Well, that could happen, especially since this was the first time she'd gone to temple since her heart attack, and they'd stayed a long time afterwards, talking with her grandma's friends and sharing the gory details of the episode. She gave her grandma a hug. "Okay, I'll get going and let you rest."

Luna said clearly, "You'd better get going too, mijo, or that one will say we're keeping her up on purpose."

Caitlin looked up and found Cisco's eyes. His cheeks had reddened, and he grimaced an apology at her.

When her grandma said, "Well, if it'll stop you from talking all the time - "

Caitlin flushed in her turn, and grimaced back.

"Yeah, I should go." He muttered something in Spanish that Caitlin couldn't understand, but she guessed meant something like "play nice."

Luna replied something in Spanish that made Cisco rear back in shock.

"Nana! I'm gonna wash out your mouth with soap." He gave her a kiss anyway. "Te quiero, okay? I'll come see you in a few days."

She patted his cheek fondly. "Te quiero, baby."

They found themselves walking out to the parking lot together, with all the awkwardness of two people who had just met. "Well," he said, gesturing at a beat-up Honda in the parking lot, "Uh. So, this one's me. Nice meeting you."

"You too," she said, and found herself blurting, "I'm so sorry about my grandmother."

"Oh my god," he said, whipping around to face her fully. "No. I'm sorry about mine. The way she's acting, it's not cool at all."

"Does she complain about mine?"

"All the time. I'd show you the text convo but I don't want you to hate us. Even though you probably already do."

Caitlin rushed to reassure him. "I don't hate you, or her. She's always been very nice to me."

"Well, you're pretty nice to her, even though I'd totally get it if you weren't."

"She's interesting! And she likes to talk about you."

"Aw, shit," he said, ears going red, a little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Did she show you baby pics?"

"As cute as that sounds, no. But she brags about you. She said you have a fancy degree and a fancy new job."

"Well, your grandma definitely showed me baby pics, so you know. Fair warning there."

Caitlin blushed, trying to remember if the family photo album her grandmother had insisted on bringing to the rehab home had any naked baby pictures of herself.

"Anyway, she's pretty cool, your grandma. She actually found this Star Trek t-shirt for me and wanted to tell me all about the website where I could get it. I kind of didn't have the heart to tell her I already had it."

"You're lucky she didn't buy it for you."

He laughed. "I thought she was gonna, for real." Then he sighed. "No, but really. I don't know why they hate each other so much."

"At least they're not trying to fix us up or something," Caitlin said.

"Shyeah," Cisco said. "Nana should know better by now. Every time I ever went on a date she fixed me up with, it was awful."

A blast of cold wind whipped down the street, and Caitlin shivered.

"Whoa, look at me, keeping you out here in the cold griping about Grandma War '17," Cisco said, fumbling for his keys. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," Caitlin said. Then, surprising herself, she blurted, "You know, maybe we should try to figure out what to do about it."

He looked up, blinking. "About our grandmas?"

"Yeah. The stress of this constant feuding can't be doing their recovery any good." She looked around and spotted a diner on the corner, the kind that served their coffee in thick white ceramic cups with a blue stripe around the rim, and had never heard of a mocha latte. "Should we go get a cup of coffee or something?"

He let his hand fall from his car door. "Yeah, sure, I'd like that."

The diner was bright and warm and smelled of fried food. They got a table by the window and ordered two cups of coffee.

"So how did this happen?" she asked, peeling open a little cup of half and half and dribbling it carefully into her cup. "Do you know?"

Cisco finished shaking three sugars into his cup, tossed the little paper packets onto the saucer, and turned his hands up to the sky. "Got me. The first I heard about it, your grandma was already Public Enemy Number One."

"She's not like this normally," Caitlin said. "My grandma."

"Neither is mine,” he assured her, reaching out to play with the wire holder full of jams and jellies. “When I found this place and I heard it was double-occupancy rooms, I figured, cool, cool, Nana'll be lifelong cronies with her roomie in under ten minutes. This whole thing is way out of character."

"Right! Right. The only thing I could ever get out of Grandma was that yours got there first and grabbed the bed by the window."

He snorted. He’d started stacking the jelly packets up into a pyramid. "Well, yeah, it is a sweet spot, what with its gorgeous vista of the parking lot and everything."

She sipped her coffee. "Of course, who wouldn't want to wake up to that? But it's such a silly reason for a feud, especially with someone you're sharing living space with."

He set the last jelly packet on top of his structure, considered it, then started pulling it down and making it three-sided. "It doesn't make sense, but you know, I figure it's like true love."

She made an incredulous face. "I don't think this is anything like true love."

"No, but it is," he said. "You meet that one person, the person you're gonna loathe and despise all your life, and you just know, right? Your nemesis."

"But which one is Lex Luthor and which one is Superman?"

He grinned at her. "Hard to say, but A-plus reference."

She blushed and smiled back.

"No, but seriously. I'm tired of hearing about this. You think we can request, like, a roomie swap?"

"I've suggested that. Grandma refused. Something about, then she would win."

"They do have single rooms."

"All full," Caitlin said. "And even if one does open up, Medicare won't cover the extra cost, and I'm not so sure I could afford it."

"Aren't you, like, a fancy doctor? That's what your grandma says when she's bragging on you."

"With fancy medical school loans," she said. "I'm going to be in massive debt until I'm eighty."

"I hear that," he said, and held out his fist over the table. After a moment, she realized she was supposed to bump it, and did. He laughed gently at her. "I got loans out the wazoo myself, so I couldn't swing the extra either," he admitted. "And I'm pretty sure Nana would eat nails before she asked for a roommate swap."

"So here we are."

"Yep," he said, drinking his coffee. "Here we are."

As a first attempt, they agreed to visit their respective grandmothers more often, in hopes that most of the squabbling was due to boredom.

"Just as long as we don't exhaust them," Caitlin fretted. "They've both had major health issues. The last thing we want is to set their recovery back."

"It'll be cool! I'll play poker with her, lose like half a dozen shirts. She'll teach me all the old songs I never had time to learn when I was in school. I'll take her to lunch on the weekends and she'll bitch about how people can't cook anymore and eat everything on her plate. She'll have a blast, trust me."

He worked for an engineering firm, a 9-5 job, so his visits were pretty regular. Caitlin's schedule at the hospital was far more variable, but when she could, she tried to time her visits with his - just so her grandma wasn't sitting alone in the room while Cisco and Luna were out, she told herself, or listening to them have fun.

Still, whenever she saw his beat-up Honda sitting in the parking lot, with its bi pride sticker and the Rebel Alliance decal in the back window, she walked in with a little more spring in her step, a smile ready to answer his when he looked up.

After their visits, they fell in the habit of walking together to the diner on the corner and getting a cup of coffee as they tried to figure out how to make two stubborn, prickly old ladies get along. They'd worn themselves out on apologies within a couple of weeks, or had started taking them as given, because they both just sort of sighed and made faces at each other in their grandmas' room, and said things like, "I can't believe she said that!" afterwards.

The day Cisco spent an hour and a half patiently teaching Charlotte about her new phone, Caitlin was impressed and told him so. He shrugged. "It's just tech, you know? She'll be texting you selfies in no time."

Caitlin doubted that, but even so, knowing her grandmother had an up to date phone with all her health information on it made her feel better. "Did you teach your grandma?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Man, Nana was texting all her comadres when I was still a kid. That's how I knew something was up the day she fell and broke her hip, because she hadn't texted me all day. And her selfie game is on point."

"Grandma refuses to take selfies," Caitlin said. "She says they're vain and nobody wants to see an old lady's wrinkles."

"Nana says she earned those and anybody who doesn't want to see her can look away."

Caitlin thought about that. "I think I like that attitude."

The day Caitlin had skipped lunch and her stomach growled audibly as they walked into the diner, Cisco insisted on getting a giant basket of fries for them to split with their coffee. He watched with scrunched-up face as she dipped them in mayonnaise. "Okay. That's - I try not to harsh on folks and their tastes, but that's just wrong."

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it," she said.

He reached over, stuck his fry in her cup of mayo, and bit the end off. He chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and said, "Yep. Still wrong." He swirled the half a fry in ketchup as she giggled.

After that, fries became part of the routine, and then Caitlin found herself ordering dinner more often than not as their conversations roamed beyond the grandma war and on to the rest of their lives.

She told him stories from the hospital, censoring the more disgusting ones until he said, "Don't hold back on my account. I have a strong stomach." He took a big bite of spaghetti. "Tell me the weirdest thing you've ever found up a dude's ass."

She laughed and launched into the story of a plastic Buddha statue that unfortunately for the erotic adventurer, had turned out to be both hollow and brittle.

He shared stories of his family, including cute pictures of his brother's kids. His mom had moved to Starling City to be closer to her grandchildren, which was why Cisco was the only family member left in Central City to look after Luna.

"Is it hard, being so far away?" she asked.

"Mmmm, hard to say," he said, drizzling syrup over his waffles. She'd side-eyed him, but he'd insisted that breakfast for dinner was the best ever. "Sometimes. But we never exactly were best buds, so in some ways this works for us. We text each other when we've got something to say, and I get to be cool Uncle Cisco on Skype for the kids, sending awesome presents, and - " He shrugged. "It's better than when we were growing up. I feel bad about it sometimes, though."

"Why?" she asked.

"I mean. He's my brother. I'm supposed to love him and stuff."

She mushed her fork into the little mountain of mashed potatoes she'd gotten with her meatloaf. "I think that when it comes to family, we mistake loving somebody for liking them," she said slowly. "I mean, it's possible to love someone and care what happens to them, and not really want to spend time with them."

He studied her, his eyes altogether too sharp. "That sounds like you're speaking from experience."

"My mom," she said. "She's - we've always been - I mean, I love her. If she ever needed me, I would go. She's my mom. But I recently gave myself permission to stop working so hard to like her, and to stop trying to make our relationship something it's never going to be."

He mouthed the words - gave myself permission. "You're pretty smart, aren't you?"

She shrugged and scooped up a heavy forkful of potato. "Or maybe I'm just a cold person."

"Nope," he said. "I've seen you with your grandma. You're not cold."

She ducked her head shyly. "Listen, if you want to be closer to your brother, then it's worth trying. But if you're both okay with the way things are now, then . . . Then that can be okay."

He pushed a bite of waffle through the puddle of syrup on his plate and looked thoughtful.

Another day, after he told her a few dating disaster stories, she found herself sharing her catastrophic romantic history. He listened and let out a low whistle. "So hang on, first you lost your high school sweetheart in a car accident, and then your college boyfriend turned out to be a psycho who practically kidnapped you to keep you from going to med school?"

"He was a mistake on many levels."

"Yeah, no shit. And then - ?"

She shrugged. "Julian was. . . . Well, I wasn't head over heels for him, but that was actually nice after Jay and his whole whirlwind romance thing. And I sort of felt like it was about time to have a boyfriend again, you know?"

He hummed in his throat, dripping more cream into his third cup of coffee. "Were you worried about getting stuck on what Jay did to you, and never trusting a guy ever again?"

Caitlin went still, her grilled cheese sandwich halfway to her mouth. "You know," she said. "I think I was."

She studied Cisco, wondering how he'd so quickly and easily picked up on something she hadn't even been aware of herself.

He raised his brows at her and stirred his coffee.

She shook herself and continued the story. "Anyway, with Julian, we both realized that we wanted different things." She made a face. "He wanted to propose to me on my birthday with the Jumbotron at an Atoms game, and I wanted to be single."

"Oh," he said, dropping an entire sugar packet, unopened, into his coffee cup. "Oh, damn. That was you."

She clapped her hands over her mouth. "You saw that video?" It had gone viral for a very bad week and a half.

"Yep," he said, using his fork to fish the soggy sugar packet out of his coffee. "Man, I remember feeling so bad for both of you."

"He was nice," she tried to explain. "Just not for me. And it's amazing how that can be just as wrenching as the other ways things ended."

"So have you sworn off love now?"

She shook her head. "I focused on my residency after that, but someday I'll start dating again. Only when I find someone I really, really like, though. No more boyfriends just for the sake of not being alone."

He nodded a few times. "I, um. I respect that, Caitlin. I really do."

It was a strange response, she thought, and opened her mouth to ask him why he'd said it like that.

But he twisted away, flagging their waitress down. "Hey, can we get another cup of mayo for my friend here?"

The day Charlotte and Luna got in a squabbling match that they almost had to get the nurses break up, Caitlin said, "Nothing's working."

"Nope," he said, shaking his head over his cheeseburger. "I thought Scrabble was a decent idea but wow, did that backfire."

"We could lock them in their bathroom until they bury the hatchet."

"In each other?"

"Grandma Thunderdome," she sighed, cutting into her pancakes.

"Two grandmas enter, but only one can leave," he agreed. "What about a get-along shirt?"

"From what I hear, that doesn't even work on actual six-year-olds."

"Yeah," he agreed. "The more I think about it, the more I think it's gonna take something drastic."

The next time their visits coincided, Luna and Charlotte seemed to be especially snappish and petty with each other. Luna sniped about Charlotte taking the last slice of pound cake at dinner. Charlotte sniped back that there was nothing to whine about, there had been plenty of ice cream.

"Oh my god!" Cisco yelled, making them all jump. "Would you two knock it off already?"

"Mijo, did you hear - "

"I don't care!" Cisco said fiercely. "I don't care what she said, I don't care what you said. Caitlin and I are sick of all our dates starting with 'I'm so sorry about the way my grandma's acting!' Would you cut it out?"

Caitlin felt like a pit had opened up beneath her feet. Cisco's eyes went wide, as if he'd just realized what he'd said.

"Dates?" Luna said.

"Dates?" Charlotte said.

Then, in perfect unison, they both turned their heads to look at Caitlin.

"Mija, are you dating my grandson?" Luna asked her.

She met Cisco's eyes. They were still wide and astonished, but there was something in them. A plea.

Drastic, he'd said. Well, this was drastic, all right.

She swallowed. "Yes." She got up, on legs that wobbled like a new fawn's, and crossed the room to take Cisco's hand in hers. It closed tightly around hers. She felt herself steady. "Yes, we're dating. And we didn't want to tell you because we didn't want it to become some ridiculous Romeo and Juliet scenario."

Cisco picked up where she'd left off. "But you know what? We're all adults here, and you guys can deal. I'm sorry for yelling, Nana and Mrs. S. But Caitlin's my girlfriend, and I want to enjoy that without worrying about what kind of crap you two are talking about each other."

It was Charlotte who asked, "Darling, are you serious about him?"

She swallowed. "I - I don't know," she said. "It's early yet. But I do know that - " She looked over at Cisco. "That I always look forward to seeing him, and no matter what, the time we spend together is the high point of my day."

Cisco's lips curved in a slow, sweet smile, and she smiled back. Her legs felt wobbly again.

She turned back to the two old ladies, still sitting in their beds gaping at her. "Which is why we're asking you - "

"We're begging you," Cisco said.

"Please, if you love us, figure out some way of getting along before we come back next time."

There was a little silence. Finally, Charlotte said, "Well. I suppose I could make an effort."

Luna sniffed. "I'll do my best."

"That's all we're asking," Cisco said. "And on that note, I think it's time for us to go."

"Do you have to?"

"I think so, yes," Caitlin said, reaching out to grab her coat and purse. She had to let go of Cisco's hand, and her own felt cold and lonely without his wrapped around it. She kissed her grandmother goodbye and followed Cisco out the door.

They stepped into the elevator at the end of the hall. Instead of hitting the button for the ground floor, they both leaned against the walls and stared at each other, gobsmacked by what they'd just done.

"Well, it did work," she said after several moments. "Sort of. They certainly weren't fighting anymore."

"Because they both practically had strokes from the shock."

"Don't even joke about that," she begged.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't know how that happened," he said, eyes closed. "I - my tongue slipped, and then all of a sudden - " He opened his eyes. "You're a champion, Caitlin, for real. You rolled with it so well. And what you said - that was perfect. Like, that was so much more believable than if you'd gone, 'oh yeah, we're totally in love and running away to Vegas.'"

She managed a shaky smile. "I'm not exactly the getting-married-in-Vegas type. Which my grandmother knows."

He laughed a little, a high-pitched sound.

The elevator jerked and starting rolling downward, and they both realized where they were. Cisco reached over and hit the ground-floor button, but they still had to wait for an old man to get on at the fourth floor. Caitlin smiled politely at him and wished him at the ends of the earth. He got off at the third floor, which was far enough.

"So what do we do now?" she asked Cisco, worrying at one of the cuffs of her coat.

He let out his breath in a whoosh. "I - uh. Well, I guess we could pretend break up."

Her throat knotted up, for some reason. "Right now? Right away?" She swallowed the knot down. "That just seems like an invitation to more battling."

"Oh, man, you're right, and this time they'll have righteous indignation on their side. Okay. So." He folded his hands on top of his head a moment, then dropped them with a deep sigh. "We, uh, we'll hold hands a lot, I guess? And make up stories about our dates. And stuff. I don't know. Pretend to be crazy in love in front of our grandmas for the next couple of months."

"Yeah," she said as the elevator dinged for the lobby. "We'll think of things."

They were suddenly as awkward as they'd been that first day, walking out to the parking lot together in silence. Worse, she thought.

Instead of hooking a right, toward the diner, he turned left, toward his car.

"You're going?" she said. Her own voice sounded wistful and sad in her ears. "You don't want to get dinner?"

"I forgot to tell you," he said, avoiding her eyes. "I have a thing tonight. So I gotta - " He hooked his thumb over his shoulder. "You know. Take off."

"Oh," she said.

"Yeah," he said.

She mustered up her courage. "Before you go, can I ask you a question?"

He eyed her. "Sure," he sad cautiously.

"You said your tongue slipped. Why did it slip in that particular direction?"

He shut his eyes and mumbled, "I was hoping you wouldn't ask that."

"Well?"

He met her eyes again. "Hey. Look. It was a mistake. I was annoyed and I said something I didn't mean to say and - " He shrugged. "Let's forget about it. I mean, as much as possible considering it's gotten us into a whole mess of trouble."

She considered him. Her heart was beating very fast in her throat. "All those times we went to dinner, were you - Um. Were you thinking of those as dates?"

He let out his breath. "Honestly? I was starting to. But you were very upfront with me, which I appreciate. You don't want to date anyone right now. That's cool." He dug around in his pocket for his keys. "So, yeah, I'll text you, okay?" He started for his car again.

She said, loudly and clearly, "What I said was that I didn't want to date anyone until I found someone I really, really liked."

He stopped and turned. "I - "

"I really, really like you."

His mouth fell open just a little. "I - " He blinked. "I'm confused?"

"That wasn't meant as a brush off. That's what I've been saying ever since I broke up with Julian, to explain to people why I wasn't dating. It just comes out on automatic now. And what I said upstairs? The reason it sounded so good was because it was true. Every word. You really are the high point of my day." She took in his slow-dawning smile and felt her heart begin to beat normally again. "Of my entire week, actually."

His hand reached out and wrapped around hers. "Mine too."

She let her breath and smiled at him. "So we can pretend to date to fool our grandmas. If you want. Or - or we could - "

"Really date?" he filled in.

"What do you think?"

He tugged at her hands until she stepped toward him, and then he kissed her. She leaned into the kiss, luxuriating in it. Her last kiss had been a long time ago, but she didn't think that was why this felt so incredibly good.

When they pulled apart again, he said as if there'd been no interim, "I think it's an awesome idea, but are you sure? This isn't just for your grandma?"

"If I were in the habit of dating people just to make her happy, I would have gone to Lily Stein's bat mitzvah with her best friend's great-nephew. I didn't," she added. "This is for us."

"Us," he said. "I like that."

She felt the smile spread over her face, and she leaned in to kiss him again. "Me too."

Upstairs, at the window overlooking the parking lot, Charlotte reported, "They're still kissing."

Luna chortled, shuffling cards like a Vegas card shark. "If he's anything like his grandfather, your granddaughter is verrrrrry happy."

Charlotte smirked at her roommate. "If she's anything like me, your grandson's very happy."

Luna swatted at her. "Ayyyy, sucia!"

The other woman laughed raucously and turned away from the window, settling down onto the end of Luna's bed. "Well, it took them long enough to admit it," she said, holding out a hand for the cards Luna passed to her.

Luna sniffed. "As if we couldn't figure out they always wanted to visit us on the same day, and they spent half the time talking to each other, and their cars stayed in the parking lot for hours after they left."

"We may be old but we're not stupid." Charlotte surveyed her hand, discarded two, and drew their replacements.

Luna discarded one and drew. "And you doubted me." She reached over to the bag of M&Ms Cisco had brought and tossed four candies onto her lap tray.

"I didn't doubt you, Luna, I just thought your plan was awfully convoluted." Charlotte saw her four and raised her five more, absently eating a few candies. Cisco kept them both well-supplied.

Luna rolled her eyes. "If we tried to set them up, they would both fuss and kick their heels. But give them a common goal, let them think it was all their own idea, and - " She pointed out the window. "Look at that. Married in two years, I bet you."

"A year and a half," Charlotte said.

"And you had fun, didn't you?"

"Almost as much fun as you did. I still don't know half the names you called me in Spanish."              

"I'll teach you." Luna studied the pot and then her hand, eyes narrowed. "Do you fold?"

"Not on your life," Charlotte said, and spread her cards out.

They had seven aces between them, but Charlotte had the higher hand anyway. She raked in her stash of candy. "My deal."

"Before that, come over here," Luna ordered. "Triumph selfie."

"Oh, Luna!"

"Come on, come on! The hell with your wrinkles, you've earned them. Don't you want your great-grandbabies to know how beautiful their nanas were?"

Charlotte pushed herself up from the end of the bed and went around to press her cheek to Luna's. "They're going to see for themselves," she said, and smiled for the camera.

FINIS

Today is Monday. I think I say this every week at some point, but I really feel more like myself today than I have yet since my daughter was born. I wake up and feel good. I breathe a lot more than I used to. I catch myself getting overwhelmed and I ask myself, “Why do you feel anxious? (I don’t know). You don’t need to worry about this. (You’re right, I’m ok and everyone is safe). What’s the worst that can happen? (Not much). Just breathe.” Four seconds of inhaling, four seconds of exhaling and repeat until the moment passes. I always talked to myself before, but that used to be out loud. This is me inside my head when I feel my chest starting to get tight. It’s made me realize where my priorities are. All the extra stuff is gravy, really. Simple might just be where it’s at.

It started with the birth of my daughter. After she was born I had a really hard time. I tried to hide it, which made it worse. I didn’t think people would understand. I still sometimes find it hard when people try to relate. I get awkward when people bring it up casually and I don’t want to fill the void with some ‘typical’ reply like, “Yeah it was really hard. But now I’ve forgotten it and we’ll have more kids.” Because the truth is that I haven’t forgotten it and we likely won’t have more kids. I tell people it’s because I feel like our family is complete, which I do. I also now for some reason tell people it isn’t because of the birth. I’m not sure why I’ve been doing that. It is a lie. I should really stop doing that. I’ll actively try to stop doing that. If we don’t have more children it is one hundred percent because mentally I’m not sure I could handle it again. And that’s just fine because I think the three of us are doing aok.

When I finally did break, I was at a point that seemed like there was no going back to the old me without external help. The heavy mental strain was around all the time. I couldn’t really shake the feelings or thoughts. They were brought on by the smallest situation and even the tiniest of tasks would seem insurmountable. I didn’t like to leave the house or driving. I feared bringing my daughter outside because I was worried I could kill her if I didn’t dress her properly. I worried the straps were too tight, that she couldn’t breath, that she would suffocate, that she would burn. I worried about getting into accidents and killing her (accidentally). I worried about not being able to conduct myself if something serious happened at a emergency scene because I would be too incapacitated at the thought that I was losing her. That I would be too overwhelmed and just shut down. I worried about how I would live if I ever lost her. I would watch her all the time, worried she wouldn’t take another breath. I didn’t sleep for a long time. I didn’t trust other people with her. I always wanted to do everything for her just to be sure that she was still ok. Oh god, I worried. I worried for her safety and her well being. I worried because I didn’t want her to die. I loved her more than I could ever have imagined. It overwhelmed me. My heart ached with how much I loved her. I would cry in the shower. It was the one place I could sob my eyes out. They were happy tears because she was ok, but they were sad tears because I was falling apart trying to sustain an inevitably unsustainable situation. I just wanted to collapse but I couldn’t. I needed to keep going. I wanted to delete myself. Not kill myself, just erase myself. I wondered what that would be like.

I remember looking at myself one day in the mirror and making the realization that I was drowning. That this wasn’t normal. I was still seeing my OB weekly at this point so decided to soeak with her at the nest visit. She commented on how she was surprised that I had lasted this long without external help given out birth story, our baby and my body. I would like to say I got help and it got better. The truth is that it has been a process. A long and slow one. It has had me doing much of the work on my own and exploring my innards. But I’m ok with that. It may take me a lifetime. It’s true about time and healing. 

I still get anxious, but much less often. The tasks get easier. The worries become less. But I never forget what it was like. In an instant, I can bring myself to tears thinking back to what those moments felt like. People say you forget eventually. Maybe I will. But I don’t think so. Those moments keep me in check. One thing that became very clear to me once I started getting better was that my expectations were completely unrealistic of what life witb a baby shoukd be. When I figured that out it was a light bulb moment.

I stopped caring about what other people thought of me and what I looked like. I knew my husband wouldn’t care. If he could love me after seeing me like this, at this low, he would certainly love me at my simplest. I went on social media sites less often. I started talking more openly about how I was having a hard time with close friends. I stopped doing my hair and wearing make-up. I didn’t have time and could now understand how it wasn’t a priority. I would wash my face and brush my teeth. Those were my daily goals. I showered in the evening and threw on whatever was clean. I stopped trying to put together outfits. I just washed and wore the same (clean) clothes; bras (3), underwear (8), tank tops (4), t-shirts (5), hoodies (3) and pants (3). I wore my maternity clothes for several months after birth. I’m still wearing some of them in my regular rotation. I made my life easier by not trying to overextend myself. I was realistic about what I could do/take part in and honest about why maybe I couldn’t. Social situations became incredibly difficult. I liked being alone more than ever. I spent time with people who I trusted and made some new mom friends who were aware of my situation. It was almost easier at times to talk to strangers than trying to explain to those close to you who (I thought) expected me to act a certain way.  I needed time to figure myself out. My daughter as an infant was a challenge. My husband stayed home with us for months after birth because it all became very apparent that it was too much for me to handle by myself. That also crushed me. I wanted so badly to do it all myself but I couldn’t and had to accept that.

Once I started asking for help and being gentler on myself, it cleared a path for me to be at ease. Set the bar low. Like really really low. Give yourself the same advice you’d give to a friend. That is what I am constantly asking of myself now. You’ll notice that you are your hardest critic.

Playing by Ear: Chapter 6

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Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem.

Chapter 6: Preparing

When I woke up it was with a feeling of dread. I knew from playing the game that I had until morning before the trip to Ferox and the risen battle that occurred on the way. I wasn't ready for another battle; I was still sore from the last two!

I made to look out the window only to discover that my muscles had stiffened up over night. Ow. Looks like the sun hadn't come up yet. That was good, it meant I had time to stretch and maybe practice when no one was looking.

I thought about my dream and shuddered. I was so exhausted when I went to sleep that I couldn't wake up through the nightmares. It was good that I finally got sleep, but I was glad to be awake

I didn't plan on going back to sleep anytime soon, so I slid out of bed and started doing some stretches I remembered from my old soccer days. After I finished those I moved on to yoga poses, working out all the stiffness from my muscles and joints and adding a new soreness to my stew of pains. Perhaps tiring myself out as soon as I woke up was a bad idea, but I needed to strengthen up in a desperate way, and I'd take what time to do so that I could get.

I moved on from the standard downward dog/sun salutation routine into the warrior poses. Done right, these were a true test of stamina. I wasn't able to hold each pose as long as I wanted, but I could feel the burn of progress nonetheless.

When I was too sweaty to hold downward dog without my hands sliding out of place I called it quits. What to do now? The sun still hadn't come up. According to my watch (which I had forgotten about until now) it was 4:52. I probably had a long time before anyone got up.

I grabbed my hat and sword from my bed (I had gone to sleep without removing anything last night) and silently crept out of the girl's room. I hadn't thought about it while I was stretching because yoga was a silent form of exercise, but all the girls were still asleep. I didn't want to disturb them.

Entering the hallway, I was given a choice of which way to go. I didn't remember which way it was to the entrance thanks to my sleepy haze yesterday, so I chose left and hoped it lead somewhere useful. Surely there were training dummies around here somewhere!

I took another left and ended up at the entrance. Cool. Connected to the front room was the armory, filled with lots of sharp pointy things that I had to be careful not to trip over or run into in the dark. I was almost to the doorway I saw on the other side of the room when I bumped into a rack with my hip. I froze as the weapons rattled, holding my breath as I prayed none of them fell. They didn't.

I continued towards the doorway I saw, and what-ho! A training room! Complete with racks of practice weapons on the walls and training dummies! I set my sword—well, technically Robin's sword—beneath one of the racks and grabbed one of the dulled practice blades, a short one that I would be faster and more controlled with. Weapon chosen, I turned to the nearest training dummy.

Now what? …Do I just whack it?

I stood staring at the dummy for a solid thirty seconds as I slowly began to realize just how much I had to learn. I didn't even know what to do with a training dummy! I didn't know proper stances or grips, nor how to swing without overextending like I had used against that brigand. Not to mention the fact that I was used to foes who fought back. My only experience had little to do with sword skills; it was a wonder that I had survived this long. It would probably be best if I got someone to teach me how to properly use a sword instead of trying to teach myself potentially bad habits. But no one else would be up at this hour, and once everyone woke up it would be time to leave for the expedition anyway.

Back to the dummy. I guess I just sort of…attack? I wasn't used to attacking first. This felt stupid.

Swallowing down my nerves—it was just a stupid dummy, it's not like anyone was watching—I started with a stab. Stabs I could do; they were just about the only way I knew how to get past someone's guard. But I felt uncoordinated. The dulled blade glanced off the wooden gut of the dummy and I scowled. Not even a little dent. I adjusted my feet and tried again, this time with more power. This time I managed to dent the wood a little! But not much. I didn't take that too hard though, as the other pockmarks and slashes didn't seem to be much deeper than mine. I stabbed it a few more times to get used to putting power behind the blade. That was something I never got to do at home for fear of breaking something. It was extremely satisfying, both because of the utter destruction I could one day wreak and because of the progress, no matter how little, I was making in learning to keep myself alive.

Stabbing something is only entertaining for so long though, so I quickly changed to working on slashing. This I was unused to. How much do I move my body with my strike? What exactly does it mean to be overbalanced? How do you strike without leaving yourself open? How widely do I place my feet? How big is my disadvantage if I decide to use a shorter sword like I prefer? Was it even possible to do spinning attacks like the thieves' attack animations from the game?

Feeling a bit silly, I decided to try it out. I started by putting my back to the dummy and pivoting on one foot to strike, that way I could get used to slashing while turning. To my satisfaction I hadn't missed the dummy and landed a nice hit. With that attempt successful I started my next attempt while facing the dummy so I would have to do a 360° turn. I ended up tripping and missing the target altogether.

I decided that spinning to attack didn't make sense anyway. Why would you deliberately turn your back on your opponent? Clearly the game was just trying to look fancy.

I continued trying out different slashes I had seen from various games, trying to find one that felt natural and worked well. I even tried using the reverse grip to see if I liked that any better. Repetition, repetition. My swings may be flawed, but at least if I practiced now I would be better off than if I hadn't.

A dizzy spell landed me on my butt and it seemed like a good time to take a break. If only I'd had a water bottle on me when I ended up here. Or some pop-tarts. Gosh I was hungry.

The sun still hadn't risen, and the darkness was putting me on edge. It felt like i was being watched. Feeling vulnerable, I quickly got up from the floor. There was a spike of paranoia so I whirled around, sword swinging with me like I had practiced.

Nothing.

Well, at least I wasn't hearing things. I couldn't wait for the sky to lighten.

I grabbed a second sword and started testing out duel wielding. I quickly learned that I sucked, and went back to one sword. At this point I was tiring big time and was considering going back to sleep. But I pressed on. I had to get better. I wasn't going to survive otherwise.

My paranoia spiked again, but before I could whirl around a voice came from the doorway.

"You won't get anywhere swinging like that."

I dropped my sword in surprise at the intrusion. After the last false alarm I wasn't expecting anyone to be there!

"You might want to check your grip. If it's that loose you won't have a weapon for very long on the battlefield."

"Sully?" What was she doing up so early?

"Damn straight!" She didn't even bat an eye at the fact that I knew her name even though we hadn't been officially introduced.

"What are you doing up so early?" Never mind the fact that I was up too.

"You stole my bed." Was the short reply. Ah. Woops.

"Sorry?"

"No matter now. It looks like you could use some help training. Here." I hadn't noticed her get closer as she spoke, but somehow she was already next to me adjusting my stance. A push here, a tug there, and all at once my balance was more stable than it had been before.

She stood back to admire her handiwork. "Okay, now try to hit to dummy."

Not wanting to disappoint, I slashed at the wooden dummy, surprising myself with the power I was able to put behind the strike. I guess it was all about having the right stance!

"That felt awesome!" I gushed. Sully chuckled.

"You haven't done a whole lot of fighting, have you?"

I shook my head. "Fighting isn't allowed where I come from. The only weapons I had were mostly decorative."

"Sounds like my kind of decoration." Sully smirked. "Well, it looks like you have a lot of learning to do. Enough chatter." She picked up a practice sword. "Let's fight!"

"What?!" There was no time to argue as the cavalier lunged at me. I yelped and dodged as I normally do, completely forgetting the fact that I could fight back.

After a while of her essentially chasing me around the room as I danced out of the way of her blade she stopped.

"You can't win if you don't attack!" She declared. "Attack me!"

She was standing still, not unlike the dummy I had been practicing on.

"But you're not attacking, and I don't have the element of surprise," I argued.

"I'm not moving until you do."

Feeling stupid I made an awkward, uncertain stab towards her chest, which she blocked immediately. "Come on, put some effort into it!" She taunted. More determined I tried again, and was blocked again. I stabbed and slashed, faster and more desperate as every attempt was blocked before clang! I managed to get a hit in!

Taking this as some kind of milestone, suddenly Sully went back on the offensive. I started dodging again, but this time remembered to attack back every once in a while. The attacks were weak, but they were something at least. It wasn't long though before she changed things up again, sticking her foot out as I was jumping back. My ankles got tangled at the slight tip-off from her toe and I went down hard.

"Real enemies aren't going to play fair." Was all she said. She walked away to get a drink of water.

I stayed on the ground to catch my breath. That was a lot more rigorous exercise than I had expected for—what time was it? I checked my watch—6:13 in the morning.

"I'd get out of here if I was you. Frederick's Fitness Hour starts at sunrise."

I paled and shot to my feet, heedless of the white spots blocking my vision. No way in hell was I sticking around for Frederick's Fitness Hour; I wasn't ready to die! I high-tailed it out of the training room and back to the girls' room. What was it, out of the armory and then two rights? That seemed right.

My flight was brought to an abrupt halt by colliding with another body.

"Oof!" Papers went flying everywhere as both parties were sent to the ground. What was this, a high school AU? I got my bearings back and looked to see who I'd bowled over—it was Robin, of course. Of course. It wouldn't be like a high school AU if I hadn't run into my crush.

"I'msorryI'msosorry!" I blurted out, hurriedly trying to get out of the way without tearing any papers. I got to my knees once I was at an acceptable distance, trying to pick up as many as I could.

"Ugh…" Robin was still trying to get his own bearings back. "Merra? What are you in such a hurry for?"

Oh, he didn't know of the horrors he was walking into. "Frederick's Fitness Hour starts soon. You don't want to go out there. I'm getting the heck back to bed before I get roped into it." My eyes were wide and desperate.

Robin looked a little worried at my reaction. I probably looked a bit hysterical. "I'm just looking for the library so I can brush up on some tactics before we leave for Ferox."

"Okay. You're probably safe then. Here," I handed him the papers I had gathered. They looked like maps.

"Thanks." He took them from me.

You know, maybe the library would be a better idea than going back to bed…I had nightmares to avoid after all.

Once we reached the library I was surprised to see Miriel already there, nose deep in a journal and some questionable-looking jars of liquid beside her. I guess waking up early was commonplace here.

I thought about talking to her, but she seemed pretty absorbed in what she was doing. Maybe I'd ask Ricken about magic instead. If I could find him. The young mage was probably still asleep.

"You wouldn't happen to know where books on strategy are, would you?" Apparently Robin had no such qualms as he asked for help from the redhead. She responded by pointing in a seemingly random direction without even looking up from her journal. "Thanks!"

Robin walked to the shelves the mage had pointed at and I followed. He grabbed a promising-looking book and sat down at a nearby table to read it. I loitered at the shelf, unsure of what to do next or how to help. For something to do I perused the selection, selecting a few more books on tactics and depositing them on the table for Robin. This of course didn't take much time at all and I was left wondering what to do again. I ended up grabbing a random book and sitting down across from the tactician.

Turns out I grabbed a fictional book that looked like a romance. I stuck my tongue out in distaste; romances weren't really my style. I put the book back and picked up one of the ones I had set aside for Robin. What would it hurt to learn about tactics myself?

With my short attention span I only managed to make it to chapter two when, to my utter relief, Vaike's voice bellowed from a few rooms away. "BREAKFAST IS READY!"

I gladly closed the book and gathered up the other books on the table. "You done with this?" I asked Robin, indicating the book he was holding.

"Yes, I think I'm done reviewing it. Thank you." He handed it to me and started gathering his maps up.

I returned to the shelves and looked for the tactics section again. Back when I was still in school I was a library aid, so this was a nice return to normalcy. There was no dewey decimal system here, and once I found the right shelf I discovered that they weren't in alphabetical order either. Gosh, how did anyone find anything? Without really thinking about it, I started reordering the books by title, since not all of them had authors labeled on the spine.

"Are you coming to breakfast?" Robin's voice behind me made me jump and I hastily turned to face him. I had been so engrossed in my work that I hadn't heard him approach.

"Uh, y-yeah, let me just put these books back away." I sloppily shelved the small stack of books I had been ordering, not wanting to hold us up by being particular. My aim to not be an inconvenience outweighs my OCD-like tendencies. "Let's go."

Breakfast turned out to be much tastier than I was expecting, eggs and rolls. I dug in, maybe pigging out a little since I wasn't used to having such an appetite.

The plan was to stay out of whatever conversation was going on; as ecstatic as I was to meet the Shepherds, I was also shy and didn't know what to say to any of them. I was that person you forget is in a group message because I don't say anything. Today however, it just wasn't meant to be.

I sat next to Robin and across from Lissa, figuring I was safest sitting next to those I had already met. I should have known what a mistake that was when I saw the princess's company.

"So you said your psychic friend told you a lot of stories. Want to share any?" Or maybe I just shouldn't have sat near Lissa at all.

I froze like a deer in the headlights. Oh gods, what do I say? I'm shit at telling stories! At least when there was nothing to relate them to. But Lissa was looking at me so expectantly!

"Oh, you're psychic?" Vaike, who was sitting next to Lissa, saved me. "Quick! What am I thinking?"

He obviously missed the friend-of-the-psychic part, but why not try to impress? 'The' Vaike's mind seemed simple enough.

"Is there any thinking going on in that head?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. Why did I say that?! How rude!

There was a beat of silence as I shocked he blond speechless and I feared I had actually offended him before Lissa bursted out laughing. "Wow Merra, it's like you already know him!" Vaike took the jab well, laughing along with Lissa and a few of the others at breakfast. Thank goodness.

I looked around sheepishly to see who all had heard. Miriel had her nose in another journal as she ate, paying no attention to the conversation. Chrom, Sully and Sumia were all laughing, some more politely than others. Virion was looking between Sully and Frederick in despair, apparently drawing some conclusions about their sweatiness that he didn't like. I knew it was from Frederick's Fitness Hour, but I guess he did not. Ricken, Maribelle and Stahl were all absent. The latter surprised me. It didn't seem like Stahl to miss an opportunity to eat, but maybe I was missing something? I couldn't ask where he was though because I had hardly met everyone yesterday, being far too out of it to interact with anyone. Oh well. Maybe he'd come down late.

"Hey Merra, did your friend ever do flower fortunes?" Sumia asked.

"Flower fortunes?" I had forgotten Sumia did those. "No, she didn't."

"Well they're easy!" She beamed. "I could do one for you sometime, if you want."

"Alright," I didn't have anything else to say on the matter. It seemed frivolous to me, but it would probably be rude to refuse. So why not?

It looked like she was going to say more when she clammed up. I looked up to see that Chrom had approached.

"Vaike, I trust you'll tell Stahl about our trip to Ferox? It's time to get ready."

"Teach is up to any task!" Yeah, right. We all know how that ends. Poor Stahl. I stifled a laugh, getting a couple odd looks for my efforts.

So even among company as diverse as the Shepherds I managed to single myself out. Wonderful. I finished up my food and looked to Chrom.

"So when do we leave?"

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Lindsay Thurman - phaware® interview 311

Lindsay Thurman is an idiopathic pulmonary arterial hypertension patient diagnosed in 2008. Lindsay teaches math full time at a high school in Louisville, KY. She is on triple oral therapy as well as a study medication in #clinicaltrial.

My name is Lindsay Thurman and I am in Louisville, Kentucky. I was diagnosed with idiopathic pulmonary arterial hypertension in 2008. The first time that I noticed any symptoms, I was actually living in Oklahoma. I walked up a flight of stairs to my second floor apartment and it was just a very strange feeling. I was really out of breath and it kind of felt like when you get a side ache from running but everywhere. My whole body just ached and it really freaked me out. It was really weird. I didn't really know what was going on, but I know that I had trouble breathing and so I, for whatever reason thought, "Oh well maybe I'm out of shape." So, I started working out. I got a bike and rode my bike everywhere. It just kept getting worse and worse, which seems counterintuitive. I thought if I worked out I should be getting better. I ended up moving to Texas and I needed to get a new doctor. When I was there, I wasn't used to going to the doctor all the time, I just kind of mentioned what was going on and they ordered an echo to be done. Then, they said that they suspected pulmonary hypertension, which I'd never heard of. Then, that whole year, they did test, after test, after test. Finally, [my doctor] did a right heart catheter where he confirmed that it was pulmonary hypertension. My pressures were about 60 or 65. They said there was no cause or anything. Back then they called it primary pulmonary hypertension. Once they found out that I had pulmonary hypertension... I lived in Abilene, Texas. I was married at the time and my ex-husband was in the Air Force, so we were in Abilene, Texas, which is a pretty small town. They didn't have any specialists or anything. The closest big city was Dallas. So, they sent me to a specialist in Dallas. I went down there. I spent the whole day there. They wanted all their own testing. They wanted to do their own echo, even though I had just had one at my doctor in Abilene. I remember the echo was last minute and we kind of ran out of time and they said, "Well we'll just do it really quick and then you just go home and we'll call you with the results." This was in November, when I went there. So, I'm waiting and I never heard anything. At this point, I wasn't used to doctors really. Nowadays, I go to the doctor all the time, so I would know that if I didn't hear back, I would call them and ask why. But a couple months went by and it wasn't until February that I finally called and asked, "What am I supposed to do now?" The lady who answered, she asked who I was, and I said, "I was wondering about my test results." She said, "Oh, they came back normal." Which was very confusing, so I was like, "Okay." So, I asked her, "What should I do now?" She said, "Well, just go live your life because you're fine." So, I was very confused, but I just assumed that she was right. So, I was like, "Okay, cool. I guess I don't have it." At that point, my symptoms had improved. So I was like, "Well maybe it just got better on itself,” because I didn't really know much about the disease at the time. Another two years went by. In the winter of 2010, I started passing out when I would work out or even just some small things. One time, I walked to the car and ended up passing out on the sidewalk. So I went back to the doctor, at first they did a stress test on my heart, which was very strange. Then they ended up doing another echo. [The doctor] was like, "Oh, it looks like you have pulmonary hypertension." They did another right heart catheterization and at that point my pressure had gotten up to 90. So, they sent me back to the specialist. When I got there, I remember the doctor kind of said something like, "Oh yeah, I remember we saw you a couple of years ago and then you just never came back." I didn't say anything because I was young and confused. That was when I actually got started on treatment was the second time I went to see the specialist. The next time they checked my pressures, they had got down to around 30 or something. Then, I moved back home to Louisville. I started seeing my current specialist who I think is just super amazing. My pressures had started to climb back up. It's just kind of been, we're good for a while, then my pressures will start to increase, so we'll add another medication. Then, it'll go back down and then eventually after a couple years they might start to go back up. So, now it's just kind of playing the game of trying to keep things as low as possible. My symptoms have been pretty well managed, at this point I know a lot more. I know how to take care of myself and I kind of know what my own personal limits as far as, what I can do, when I have to take my time, if I need to take a day off work to make sure I don't overextend myself. It definitely is scary, especially when you're young and somebody tells you that your life is not going to be at all what you thought it was going to be. They told me I'm never supposed to have children. My first doctor actually told me that I'd probably be dead by 31, but I'm now 34 and doing just fine. It's very scary having no idea what your life is going to look like, because most people have at least some kind of idea what they want their life to look like. My advice would just to be, take it one day at a time, because even though it's different, it can still be a really great life. Just because you might have some physical limitations doesn't mean that there aren't other things that you can still enjoy. I'd definitely recommend allowing yourself to be upset sometimes. It is unfair and it is hard to see people live completely normal lives and not have all the problems that you have. It's okay to feel bad for yourself every once in a while, but it's important to just kind of take your moment, be upset about it, and then be like, "Okay, I'm not going to let this ruin my whole day." Then move on with your life, because it's important to enjoy everything that you can, because you only get one life might as well do the best you can with whatever you have. I know one of the things with women, especially the childbirth thing is really hard, because especially when you get diagnosed when you’re young and you don't have kids. It's very difficult to realize, "Oh, I'm never going to get to have kids." But I will say, I used to want to have kids, I have since kind of accepted that that's not going to be a part of my life. I'm personally not interested in adoption, mainly because just knowing my physical limitations, I'd rather not do it, than do it poorly. But, I now have three nieces and I teach high school math, so I kind of get some fulfillment in that area with being an aunt and with teaching. So, there are other ways that you can fulfill that maternal drive that you may have felt or possibly still do feel. Some people do do adoption, which is totally great, but you can still find fulfillment other ways. I'm Lindsay Thurman, and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Never miss an episode with the phaware® podcast app. Follow us @phaware on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube & Linkedin Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware #ClinicalTrials

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

The schedule is probably the one thing that everyone struggles with, and I’m not going to lie, it is hard when you work from home. But once you can crack your schedule, there is nothing that you can’t do. A while ago, I heard a saying that made my blood boil, “you have the same hours in the day as Beyonce”. Yeah, we know, but I’m pretty sure that Beyonce had one hell of a hustle on her hands at the start of her career too. We are so quick to put people down because we compare ourselves to celebrities and successful people who are further ahead on their success journey than we are.

Because we live in a world where money is needed to survive, Latte Lindsay runs a number of affiliate programmes and offers paid/sponsored content. If you choose to click the links and read the posts, the site may earn a commission or receives a payment. All of the opinions are my own. Opinions expressed here are author’s alone, not those of any partner brands/company(s), beauty & lifestyle brands, airlines or hotel chain, and have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by any of these entities unless specified.

Let’s break the schedule down

First of all, you should be getting around 8 hours of sleep. This is non-negotiable because it is for your long-term health. Getting enough sleep at night is one of the foundations for success and I don’t want to hear otherwise. Yes, there are people who claim that they only sleep for a few hours before they get up and start working their butts off, but this is going to damage their mental and neuro health in the long term. As much as we all want to succeed, I still want to have my brain intact when I’m in my 80’s and 90’s, not suffering from dementia which has been linked to a lack of sleep in your 20’s, 30’s and 40’s.

Second, let’s say you should be doing around 8 hours of work a day, five or six days a week. This is where it can get tough for some people because they work full time and they want to overextend themselves. Do not worry about it. If you are working 8 hours or more on your full-time job, then taking 8 hours to work with intention on your day off will give you much better results than trying to push through the tiredness. I know it is tempting to work into the small hours of the morning to be part of the hustle porn community, but it isn’t worth it. I’ve done the hustle until 3 am, cramming everything in, typed until my fingers have gone numb. Do you know where it got me? Nowhere. I was tired and burnt out from it. If you work full time, choose one day a week to really focus on your own stuff and then take one day off to relax.

My third point is about learning. Learning can be done in an hour a day if you study with intention. They say that it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill but this is rubbish. It can take as little as 20 hours to master something if you can push through the initial frustration that comes with learning something new. Learning can be done in so many different ways, there are plenty of free ways to get bite size knowledge to help you and your business to grow. You might scoff at the idea of having to study a little bit every day but this is where most people fall down.

The number four thing that you need to schedule in every day is some self-care. Self-care is something that I am really passionate about. When I was a care worker, I saw first hand the problems that people faced as a result of not looking after themselves properly. I like to take an hour a day to get a shower in peace, fresh clothes, a cup of tea with some quiet time before I have to get the troops out of bed. But I also like to take an hour at night to relax and unwind before I go to sleep.

Number five is keeping the house clean. Within my schedule, I have around 3-4 hours for cleaning, doing laundry, and general maintenance of the house so it doesn’t look like I’m constantly in the middle of an exorcism with an asshole of a poltergeist. A clean house is important when you work from home because having a clear space helps prevent distractions. Plus, having a clean house as a parent is one of those ultimate goals that we wish we could have, why not blow everyone out of the water by actually doing it?

And finally, the kids. I have worked out a schedule for my kids so that they know exactly what is going on. They get bathed, fed, clean clothes. My toddler spends all day with me so I make sure that there is plenty for him to do. When it comes to me sitting working, I keep him in the room with me and give him attention when he needs it. When the older ones are at home, they all play together. I know a lot of women experience mom guilt when it comes to working and not dedicating their every waking minute to their kids, but don’t. In fact, you could use your work to your advantage and get the kids involved. I hand mine dusters so they can “clean” with me. When I am learning something, I get my babies involved because their little brains are like sponges and you never know what information they might pick up. When I am writing, I talk out loud and write things back to them to help encourage their vocabulary. Use what you do as a good foundation for life skills that they can use themselves as adults.

My weekday schedule

5am- Get up and have some time to myself to get showered and organised. I have a beauty routine that I like to do every day that makes me feel like a million quid. 6am- Start work. This might be answering emails or checking what I have planned on my to-do list. Or, if I’m feeling brave, I’ll get stuck in with a few hundred words for one of my books. 7am- Get the kids up and ready. This means showers, breakfasts, getting packed lunches sorted…..everything you could possibly think of for getting little ones ready for the day ahead. Even if it is the weekend, my little ones will be up early anyway (they have no concept of time and lack the ability to lie in). 8am- Multi tasking hour- This is the hour of the day that I have a bit of everything going on. I’m finishing getting the kids ready, having a quick tidy and opening curtains back, making lunches, throwing stuff in the dishwasher, and doing the school run. 9am- Normally by this time, I’m back in the house and I get cracking on whatever book I’m working on. Sometimes I am dealing with my editors and making changes to drafts, other times I am cracking away at the word count. 10am- Cleaning the house. After an hour of work, I stop typing and clean the house for an hour. This can be running the hoover over the floors, making the beds, and dusting the furniture. I also like to get the dinner prepared at this time so there are no excuses later in the day that result in a takeaway having to be ordered. 11am- Now I switch back to work mode and do some work on the blog. I might have a sponsored post that needs to be done or I get try and get ahead of myself with blog posts for the week or month. 12pm- Food and tidying up the house. I need to eat a lunch, and so do you. It is important to stop and take a break during the day for a meal. For around 30 minutes, I sit and have a meal without my phone, laptop or TV distracting me. And after I have eaten, I give the kitchen a quick tidy and clear up any mess that I have made. If the kids are in the house, they get fed at this time too. 1pm- Back to the blog- This is another chance to get some more blog posts scheduled for the week or month ahead. 2pm- Social media, promotional work and the school run is the name of the game at this time of the day. A lot of this is probably considered “busy work” that should probably be done by an assistant but I really enjoy doing this stuff myself. 3pm- Book time again. After going back and forth, different ideas can stew and mature in your head so I find breaking it up can really help, especially if you want to avoid writer’s block. 4pm- Ironing– Clothes get washed and then they need ironed. This is a great time for me to listen to an audiobook or a podcast. 5pm- Cooking and dinner time. Because I prep dinner early in the day, it is normally a case of turning some dials and pushing buttons. 6pm- Book time, and this is the last chance I have to work on a book in the day. 7pm- Kids bedtime routine. It’s bath time, into pj’s and snuggles with a story for the little ones. I can have this done within an hour so the kids are tucked up in bed for 8pm. 8pm- Me time hour- This is hour of the day when I get into my comfy clothes, maybe have a bath, I read or do something crafty like knit. Personally, I like to read most nights, maybe around 5 nights a week and then spend the other two knitting or cross stitching. 9pm- Sleep. Yep, it’s time for some shut eye and if I get into bed now and sleep, I get a full 8 hours.

Is this set in stone? No, I try to be flexible because there are days that other stuff needs to happen. One morning a week I schedule in appointments and pick up the food shopping. My weekends are kind of similar but I cut down on the cleaning and workload to spend time with my family, maybe an hour of cleaning and an hour of work at the most. The purpose of the weekday schedule is to make sure I have time to spend with my family at the weekends.

How to create your own schedule

Building your own schedule is one of the simplest yet most effective things that you can do to make your day easier. Think of it this way, when you where at school, you had a timetable of classes and things that you need to do during the school day. Some days there could be around 7 different subjects that you needed to turn your attention to, and for around 12 years you managed to study a variety of different things within 6 hours. Imagine what you could achieve if you sectioned your adult life like this. Work out what you want to do in the day. These will be unique to you. Use the circles below to work out the first part. I recommend making sure that you get 8 hours of sleep, 1 hour of self-care for a shower and a cup of tea.

Ok, I get that the pictures are not my best artwork, but that is how I sat and worked out my day and what needed to be done. Do not be afraid of being picky about what you do and how you work out your day, it should be work for you and your family to get the best out of your time.

What do you think of the schedule? Would you ever try anything as extreme as this? Let me know what your day looks like in the comments section.

The Ultimate Schedule for Working from Home The schedule is probably the one thing that everyone struggles with, and I’m not going to lie, it is hard when you work from home.

Episode #4: “I just gotta hope no one cares to yeet me” -Vi

I'm trying now to take the opportunity to make new connections. I'm so glad Vi likes kpop because now we have common ground for normal conversation. I also tried to go to Sammy and he offered to have my back if I had his, and I said we had a deal. I hope I'm not overextending myself with alliances. I think if original tribes matter, I can try and link Vi and Johnny together. I'm trying my best here lol

I hate music video challenges. They can be very awlward, especially when you’re doing a song as odd as bring me to life.

Either timmy couldn't be arsed to watch or is blind. His choice lol.

Well I know how much I did for this challenge, a lot. It just never reached the person it needed to get to bc iPhone sucks with storage. I'm too sick to care tbh but hopefully they remember I carried their sorry butts the past rounds. smh I feel like they wouldn't bc for some reason I just fade into the background. *knocks on wood Lets not jinx it and make it so I get voted out. My social game is next to 0 so I just gotta hope no one cares to yeet me

Part of me was convinced that we would lose and nick would be rolling in his grave because he would have been invaluable to this comp [since he’s a entertainer] but we still won ??? Shook ??? Well that comp is over. I’m excited to see the outcomes of this vote bc I have no idea what tribe dynamics are like over there 

im so mad at myself because i relaized after sending in my portion of the lipsync vid that i do in fact own a lovely fawn skull that would have been a perfect prop. alas. alack. i am forever in competition w/my own goth bitch sensibilities.

zach and haley yall r the bomb and will b (My) Immortalized in legends told to every poor sucker i subject to that lipsync vid god bless

alSO A SILVER GOBLET I OWN A LITERAL SILVER GOBLET IM SUCH A FOOOOOOL

It stings a little to lose to a tribe that needed an extension. Like, we had it ready on time, step up your game. Anyway now we gotta go to tribal, and I am worried because with me being on placement at a school I’ll have less time to talk to people, i won’t even be on during tribal. Hopefully the connections I made before this hold up though. I know my original tribe has the majority but I’m not naive enough to be 100% comfortable with that, so I need to feel out the others. Crow and Dennis so far are people I want to work with.

Made an alliance with Dennis and Roxy, seems the right time to start making these things concrete. I still have my concerns when it comes to Roxy but as long as she doesnt mention an*l f*sting again we’ll be good. As for the vote so far I’ve heard Eric, Johnny, and Vis name. I’d love to take out Vi while I can because she can be a challenge threat. I must remember to find a banana image to use as a voting confessional.

And Jay B lives another day.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that this tribe is too heyerosexual for me. Where are my gays at?

Aright the vote for Vi seems in place, and I’ve made good grounds I think in working with Crow. If we lose another immunity I’d like to vote out Eric, but after that who knows? I might switch things up ;)

okay it’s rough up in here...first tribal and half the tribe is stressing. So obviously me, roxy, Dennis, and Stephen have majority. So Stephen said he’d be fine with voting Eric, Johnny, or Vi. However I like Eric and I’m in an alliance with him and Roxy...bc it’s never too early to work with the “enemies”. Also, I want to work with Johnny just cause idk why but I do. Hi has barely talked to me so she was the obvious choice for me and I guess I got others on board? Idk but i told Stephen Vi would be the easiest choice and he told Dennis. I think I’m safe🤷🏻‍♂️ Nobody wants me out yet and I have two good alliances...tribal lines don’t mean a thing to me tho so when the time comes to chop one of us....bye bye✂️ I also have some good advantages but yeah first tribal, wish me luck.

ok so like i guess im doing okay cuz as the lone dwarf (s/o to JC, i feel ya bruh) b/c no one seems to be after me so i has options! from what I heard the popular vote is Vi tonight but Vi isn't even scrambling so I feel like I'm missing something....or maybe she's completely in the dark? but anyway Johnny is close to Roxy, has minor issues with Dennis. Eric is close to Sammy, but they both have issues with Stephen. Roxy might have issues with me lowkey, but I don't know But apparently the tribe breaks down into Johnny/Roxy Sammy/Eric Stephen/Dennis Me Vi so if Vi goes, Johnny/Roxy want to go after Stephen/Dennis using Sammy/Eric/Me but Stephen/Dennis are confident they have me so it puts me in a powerfully awkward position cuz I am supposed to be align with all of Roxy, Johnny, Stephen, and Dennis, but not Sammy/Eric, so I'm gunna have to do some WEAVING yet again to avoid getting caught as a meddling middleman (or middle-dwarf? are they technically men? philosophy.) but yea! i should be in f14 and if im not im burning this camp down!

So uh...v busy and haven’t confessed a whole lot. But WE WON IMMUNITY. Everyone did a sickening job god bless everyone. Jay, Drew, and I have started an alliance. I don’t know how far that will take me but...we don’t have tribal tonight so...I guess we won’t know until it gets down to it. It was v nice to have a day off for once though because like Zach not going tribal? Unheard of.

EYYY I DID IT. 100% votes on me. I should run for president. Jkjk it was nice while it lasted. Hopefully someone else will carry the tribe. Everyone is wonderful and I wish them the best of luck. One of the best host teams and casts. UWU

My History of Games

I’ve been playing video games since my older brother got the PlayStation 1 for Christmas. I remember waiting impatiently for my turn to play Crash Bandicoot and later on being amazed that we could both play Star Wars: Battlefront together at the same time! For this I’ve made a small timeline of a few games I felt have had the biggest influence on my relationship with gaming and I’ve chosen a select few to talk about.

I’ll talk about my introduction to gaming with linear games and then focus on MMORPG’s as I’ve put the most playtime into them and out of all games it tends to be online games that I find myself drawn to.

After being introduced to the PlayStation I spent the first few years of my gaming history sticking to consoles as PC Gaming wasn’t something I knew about. I went from the PS1 to the PS2 and was finally old enough to spend my own pocket money and choose my own games. I went to Blockbusters and I had enough to pick out two games for myself. I picked out the two games which cover art caught my eye the most. I was still quite young so the bright colours and characters was my main focus instead of actual gameplay. This included Gregory Horror Show (2003) and Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue (2005).

They were both colourful linear games which were perfect for a young child like I was. Both games although very different settings both contain bright colourful characters and very direct linear gameplay. For a young child it’s important to make it obvious what their objective is as for example throwing a 6-year-old into “The Witcher” will most likely lead them to aimlessly wondering the huge nonlinear open world, getting lost and eventually getting frustrated and bored with the game. Young children have shorter attention spans and so the developers need to design level layouts, HUD and objectives to be simpler than games for older audiences.

Linear games are a great choice for younger audiences as they provide a strict path which they complete in stages. The player moves from “Stage 1” to “Stage 2” which leaves no room for confusion on how they should advance but also provides a nice way for children to see their progression and feel rewarded to see how much they’ve done. Making the accomplishments of the player visible and obvious is great for keeping them interested. By filling linear games with interesting zones, puzzles, creative mechanics and boss fights you’ll still be able to create an enjoyable experience for the player even if you’re railroading them on a specific path.

A good example of this is in “Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue” As it was a 3+ age rating there’s a big difference in the design and flow of the game even compared to “Gregory Horror Show” which is a 12+.

The HUD shows four different displays. The apples represent the players Health, the star bar shows the charge until Hello Kitty can do a larger magic attack, the amount of currency you’ve collected and a simple mini map which simply shows which direction you need to go in. You can even see from the screenshot how the obstacles of the fences and archway guide the player in the right direction. The developers have really clearly focused on making it so any child could pick up the controller and instinctually know what way they should go by the placement of enemies, obstacles and items.  

This was the first game I ever completed by myself and it felt like a proper achievement to little 6-year-old me as I could go back on the main menu and look through the different stages that I’ve completed. This game gave me the skills I needed to eventually get into more complex games. I enjoyed the simple “save the world” story and felt invested in saving the different characters you can recruit onto your team. The main thing I appreciated was the clarity on what areas were accessible and which were simply part of the background environment. Invisible walls have gained a little bit of infamy for being annoying and immersion breaking but if the level design is done correctly than the player should instinctually know which areas are out of bounds.

This is still just as important for nonlinear games too. For example, players should be able to tell what objects in the world will block bullets such as a wall but long grass or a glass window wouldn’t. The fantasy violence in Hello Kitty was very simple “whack” the enemies with your toy hammer and you’d eventually defeat (not kill) them. It was though in boss fights I was introduced to the idea of timing and anticipating the attacks. Whether it’s by watching the Boss’s rotation or failing the mission and having to restart you become familiar with how their attacks work.

Want to avoid the lasers? You have to either make use of your jump or quickly take cover behind a brick wall. I found this boss fight very difficult at first as it was my first game moving in an open 3D space whilst also being chased by a large boss.

Even at 6 years old I could immediately tell this character was different to other enemies. He had his own introduction, theme song and health bar which clearly warns the player that this will require different tactics than mindlessly slashing mobs.

The way of dealing with this boss was by throwing back his bombs at him. The green bombs have clear numbers counting down to their detonation. This is to directly tell the player how long they have to throw or avoid the bomb before it explodes dealing damage. In more advanced games such as “Call of Duty” grenades and other explosives would rarely have a visible countdown. Games striving for realism also trust their older audiences to get a feel for the timing. The developers for Hello Kitty however understand they’re creating a 3+ game and so realism is not their highest priority but instead they want to provide a fun unique boss battle that can be completed by young players.

This is how the game continues on. New mechanics are introduced slowly through each stage. Different enemies, attacks and traps which the player learns to counter and avoid. By the end stage of the game there’s normally a mixture of previous challenges where the player has to use the knowledge and skill they’ve developed to pass the final level.

An example of this I noticed myself was when I was playing through Little Big Planet (Media Molecule, 2008)

During the very first levels you are introduced to grabbing and pulling objects. Swinging and using motion to make larger jumps and also collecting items. This basically makes the first three levels a larger tutorial that also connects with the main story. I personally really like this as it doesn’t feel like you’re stuck in a tutorial before you can get started but instead you’re progressing the story whilst also learning the mechanics which I think is how games should be designed. Especially when the game is linear and has a set path so it’s only really one path for the developers to focus on perfecting. By the final stage of the first level the players are avoiding hazards, grabbing onto moving platforms and using jumps to avoid traps.

The level clearly gives the players time to get used to the controls and feel of the character’s hitbox before throwing more complex puzzles and obstacles. In this image you can see the player is free to swing along the three hanging sponges to jump over the hazard. They have no time limit and also there’s plenty of safe ground for the player to fall and retry.

The way jumping works in Little Big Planet is there are three different jumps. By tapping the “X” quickly you make a small hop. By holding it briefly you make a larger jump and by holding it down until landing you make a huge leap. This is also affected by the directional controls of the analog stick. This is why the beginning level designs have a high focus on giving the player lots of time to experiment with different jumps as in later levels you won’t have the time to think before each jump but instead have to rely on muscle memory.

Now let’s look at the second to last level “The Bunker”. This environment is much harsher as the player is jumping to avoid electrified hazards whilst leaping across different platforms. This is also all happening in a large rotating room so the player is also being forcefully moved left as they attempt to make difficult jumps. I died and restarted this level so many times. Little Big Planet also rewards the players with unique items if they “Ace” a level. This means to complete the level without dying a single time. This is the hardest level in the game in my opinion not only because it’s requiring you to use precise timing but also because the way the platform is rotating means you can easily overextend jumps and slide into electrified hazards.

I think game developers need to make a choice when creating a game whether they want to the player to be directly told the controls and mechanics (common in games for younger children) or the player to be left to learn themselves (common in more realistic modern games). If you don’t want to break the fourth wall with in game characters explaining the controls like in Little Big Planet, you could instead opt to having windows or in game messages pop up.

(Screenshot from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Bethesda Softworks 2006)

An example is some games like Oblivion (Bethesda, 2006) where expect some small hints on how to move the majority of the controls are left hidden behind a menu. Some players however might find this immersion breaking especially if the pop ups pause the game or interrupt gameplay. This all however depends on what flow the developer is trying to create and whether they want the initial introduction to the games mechanics to be separate or to blend seamlessly into the actual game.  

 As I grew older I became more aware of how other people viewed gaming and the “gamer” community. Initially growing up I was unaware there was even a gaming community at all. How could people form connections when the majority of us were playing alone in our rooms? It wasn’t until the PlayStation 3 came out I was introduced to my first online multiplayer games. Finally, my friends and I could play with each other without having to be in the same room! It opened up a whole new world as we could unlock items, complete multiplayer puzzles and defeat bosses then see each other the next day at school. I know that gaming strengthened my connections with real life friends as we spend more time together, had an endless amount of inside jokes and felt an actual achievement when we finally aced a difficult level.

It was common during the weekends or summers to be kicked out of the house by my parents to spend “time away from that damn PlayStation”. My friends and I would instead meet up and play outside although the majority of our conversations revolved around what we should build or play next.

There’s a lot of speculation on whether gaming has a damaging effect on children. Some people theorize it leads to them being unable to form real life connections. Whether it’s because they’re inept in social situations or simply too apathetic to bother.

A study done by Dr Jesus Pujol (Video Gaming in school children: How much is enough? Annals of Neurology, 2016) Recommends that 2 hours a week is the correct amount for children and any more will hinder their development. I find this a very limiting amount of time as 2 hours is something I easily pass a day never mind an entire week. Majority of modern games also require many hours to practice, build and master your character or abilities. A single match in Smite (Hi-Rez Studious, 2014) for example can easily pass 40 minutes. 2 hours for the majority of gamers is simply not enough time even more so when their friends are online waiting to play with them.

Would you rather a child sits alone watching TV after school or sit and play either in person or online with their friends? What’s the most social option? We view parents who limit their child’s TV time as old fashioned but why don’t we have the same views on video games? For some reason people are happy to let others watch TV for hours but the moment you put down the remote and pick up a controller you’re suddenly viewed as being anti-social.

I think this relates to how quickly the video game industry has changed in recent years and how for most older people it’s not an activity they’re used to. Whilst on the other hand television and other medias have been widespread for longer. My Dad for example only came across video games in the rare arcade. For a child growing up in the 80s there was a huge limit to his access to video games. How can someone understand or appreciate a media when the closest form was an arcade he didn’t have the pocket money to go to or the even rarer home video game system.

The first home video game console my Dad ever saw was the

Nintendo 64 (Nintendo, 1997).

By this point in his life he had two children, a wife and a career that took him abroad for months at a time. 

You can say he had missed his window to properly discover gaming but for my brother and I we were just growing up during the late 90s early 2000s when video games became common in the household. We had the opportunity for gaming to become a hobby and eventually part of our daily routine. I moved from consoles to PC Gaming when I received my first laptop from my Dad in 2007, This also came with my brother and I sharing our first World of Warcraft (Blizzard Entertainment, 2004) account.

I love MMORPGs. They’re hands down my favourite form of games and have always been a focus of mine since I made my first Warcraft character almost 10 years ago. I love multiplayer functions and how they promote playing with others so loading into a fantasy world completely populated by other players completely blew my mind.

World of Warcraft (like most other MMORPGs) requires commitment and cooperation amongst the players. As you explore the world and complete quests you’ll find others just like yourself in the same area. The game allows people to join each other’s party, send messages and even trade items. Different zones of the games even have their own chat channels so you can talk to any players in the area even if they’re not in your immediate proximity. Different challenging activities such as Dungeons or PVP require groups to complete. Rewards scale up so more experience, stronger items and gold can be found from defeating stronger bosses.

A feature I love about MMORPGs is the ability to create your very own character that’s personal to you. The majority of character creation in MMOs follow the same structure of choosing a race and class. This determines your appearance, animations, voice lines and then your skills and role in combat. By giving people the ability to create their own character instead of playing a premade one it already immerses players. By making them feel immersed and invested in the world people are more likely to stay subscribed and continue playing the game.

The goal for any developer is to create a successful video game that people will enjoy and to potentially be successful enough to create sequels or other projects. However, with MMOs they are maintaining a persistent online world which requires funds to do so. Keeping players subscribed not only gives Blizzard Entertainment the ability to maintain World of Warcraft but also create additional content to sell as expansions.

The expansions not only add new classes, races and features but also expand on the overarching story of the world. This encourages players to not only create new characters but also continue building up their already existing ones and fight the challenging new monsters that have been added. Whether you’re a hard-core raider who organises weekly guild runs or a casual who unwinds by completing few quests there’s always something for you to do. What attracts me so much about MMOs in particular World of Warcraft is through the story design and mechanics you feel like you truly have a place in the world. The achievement you feel is real and the developers keep this in mind when designing the game.

Through continuous scoring and feedback players can immediately see how well they’re doing. Whether it’s through item level, damage done or how far they’ve progressed in the story it’s incredibly easy for players to see how much they’ve advanced. People like to feel appreciated and good about themselves and so when you level up and a huge golden light explodes out of your avatar you can’t help but feel a wave of satisfaction. It’s easy to see why people get addicted. There’s a compulsive need to keep “pulling that lever” and watch the rewards roll in. Even if the items are virtual they require time and effort and so to the player has value. This is why so many people on the outside looking in can’t understand why people care so much and put so much money and time into the game. In a recent interview discussing new armour upgrade system in the new expansion, Ion Hazzikostas the current game director of World of Warcraft says the following;

“This is really building upon a lot of the lessons we learned from the Artifact system in Legion. There's a lot of value in a universal reward, a universal progression goal, whether you're questing, doing a dungeon, helping a friend out with something, feeling like no matter what you did you log off at the end of the night a little bit closer to some tangible goal rather than depending purely on some lucky drop. “

Developers are gamers too and they understand what people need to feel invested.

A concern many have is that gamers can neglect other activities to create more time for the game. I have countless examples of ways I do this personally. I’ve neglected sleep to stay up longer to role-play and chat with online friends from all over the world. I’ve woken up in the early hours of the morning to get some playtime in before heading to college or work. I can honestly say gaming with a focus on MMORPGs have changed my behaviour and how I plan out my day. I agree there are disadvantages but also many benefits. My reading and writing skills shot up and I discovered a love for lore. I spent hours buying books and graphic novels and wrote many short stories. My art skills have improved from drawing characters which eventually influenced my decisions for what I’d focus on in high school.

I’m not an extrovert. I’m not comfortable with new people and don’t enjoy “putting myself out there.” I know without online gaming the majority of my free time would instead have been spent isolated at home. I understand how some might view the way Blizzard market their games to appeal and even reward addictive playing as despicable but I don’t believe it’s done out of any malicious intentions. It’s the real world and if a company can see that something is working and bringing in money then they’re going to use it. Online gaming gives instant gratification and rewards whilst placing the player in the centre of the story and making them feel like the hero. There’s a market for it because it receives such a massive response! In 2010 during Wrath of the Lich King (Blizzard Entertainment) the subscriber count peaked just above 12 million! Although Subscriber count varies with difference levels of success with each expansion, World of Warcraft still holds itself as one of the largest active MMOs to this date. I believe that’s because of the amount of effort and love put into the world’s rich story. Gamers read the books and graphic novels. They buy the merchandise, Cosplay their favourite characters and see the movies. Immersing yourself in a fantasy world is not a new concept. People enjoy being passionate, just look at the fan bases for brands such as Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. Even these pop culture giants attempted to get into the online gaming scene with the release of The Lord of the Rings Online (Turbine, 2007) and Star Wars: The Old Republic (BioWare Austin, 2011). Although less successful they still boast a large player base and are still active to this day. It goes to show gamers can’t get enough of these universes and MMORPGs are not going anywhere.

Interestingly a concern people have for MMORPGs is that they’re not sustainable. As technology advances, Video games are constantly being run on more powerful engines. Things that were not feasible say five years ago are completely possible nowadays. So how exactly can an MMO that has been active since 2004 still be popular now? Regardless of the constant patches, expansions and reworks it still is the same game. This just goes to how attached gamers get and how a strong setting and story keeps the attention of millions of players even if there are newer shiny games with better combat mechanics.

Some reworks and updates I feel are Blizzard’s strongest is their Battlenet system. Adding other players as friends is not a new concept. Back in 2004 you could add a character as a friend and see if they were online when you were playing. This was limited to that one character and only on the character you sent the invite from. They then updated the system to allow you to add an account as a friend and see if they were playing a character of the same faction. Blizzard quickly realized that why create an MMO if there were some people still treating it like a single player game? As a single player game it loses all the features that make it special. How could they make it easier for players to form and maintain friendships online? For most players it’s their friends that convince them to try out a new game or to return and resubscribe.

With the Battlenet (or Battle.net) system you can check, message and invite any of your friends regardless of what character, faction and even game they’re playing!

Here I can check to see who is online and change my plans accordingly. Instead of playing alone why don’t I invite “Aerith” to run a dungeon as we’re the same level and I need a healer. My other friend is playing Overwatch so I could instead jump into a few matches with him before returning to Warcraft.

By putting a focus on the social features of a game, developers will see their player base form online friendships that last years. We’re naturally social animals and so it makes sense we’d enjoy playing together rather than alone. Just like back in the days of good old split screen or simply taking turns playing whenever someone died.  For some like myself sitting in the same living room with your friends is not an option. Whether it’s distance, money or time it’s not always possible. However, I speak and play with my friends almost every single day. Whether it’s through discord, skype or just normal text chat, I’m always able to connect and play which in my opinion makes gaming much more enjoyable.

The reason I love gaming and continue to make it my passion is because of the people you meet. Any activity can be done socially and developers giving players the tools to do this is what makes a strong community. Some games you can even directly share your achievements to your social media! For example, the popular free game Town of Salem (BlankMediaGames, 2014) rewards you with in game currency for sharing your victory’s on Facebook. This allows you to involve your friends whilst also indirectly promoting the game. As gaming becomes more mainstream and common this is a feature we’re only going to see more of.

I’m definitely influenced by the games I played whilst growing up. As someone learning to create my own games I want to focus on smooth seamless learning curves through level design like Little Big Planet. I want players to fall in love with a huge detailed world and create their own characters and stories like in World of Warcraft. I want them to be able to do all of this whilst playing with friends and being rewarded for it.

Lauren Woulard- Publicist

Check out the chat with Lauren and Roni about making it in the PR world, loving yourself, and reaching goals for this year. 

1. What made you decide to go into the entertainment world as a publicist?

I was always on the Talent Relations side in fashion and beauty working with the teams and departments that handle dressing celebrities. A lot of departments have an editorial fashion publicist who focus solely on getting the brand into the right publications, as well as a VIP Relations fashion publicist, who focuses on getting the brand into the hands of the top celebrities and influencers. I was always more so on the VIP side. And from there I just realized that was truly what I loved more than anything. I loved working directly with all of these different influencers and celebrities; getting them dressed for the Oscars or different award shows or different events they had going on. I’ve always been very much into pop culture. I love everything about it. I have been a pop culture head since I was in middle school and used to read all the fashion and entertainment magazines. I decided to make that my focus since that's what I loved most about my job. So that’s what made me transition into being an entertainment publicist.

2. Do you find it hard to be taken seriously as a woman in the entertainment field? 

Thankfully, I have been blessed to work with such great companies that my reputation preceded me. They knew I was there for business. And I have also been blessed to work with great people. But I have worked with jerks. What I find to be the hardest thing to deal with is being taken as a joke and not being given the same professionalism or seriousness that a male would get. It’s important to let them know that you have a job to do, another client to report back to, and you have to follow these parameters. So I think that has been the hardest thing especially when working with these high level males. I have also noticed that they don’t think you know how to manage the money or a budget. Men don’t want to talk money with a woman.

3. What do you think about the term “black mecca” when describing Atlanta?

I love Atlanta. I am originally from New Orleans and I moved here last year after living in New York for five years. For me, I am very big on the African-American community and uplifting the community, specifically when it comes to African-American women. The thing that I love most about Atlanta is that it’s so refreshing to run into so many young black people that are getting it. They are living amazing lives and doing amazing things. It is so common in Atlanta to see that the VP of a company is black, with a beautiful home, drives a nice car, and is really successful. That is something so refreshing to be around. It’s the majority here not the minority and that's just something you don’t get everywhere.  

4. What are some of your favorite news outlets to follow or keep up with as a PR girl? Like PR news daily or Huffington Post?

It’s funny you mention the Huffington Post because they are definitely my go-to for news. When I am done reading the news I always go to their “Black Voices” section to stay updated on things that are going on in the black community. I also follow Essence as it’s my favorite publication for African-American women. For inspiration, I love xoNecole. Most recently I have focused on a lot of Atlanta outlets to keep up with what's going here locally such as The AJC, Atlanta Voice, and a lot of the local radio outlets.

Roni- It’s funny you mentioned xoNecole, she was one our inspirations for creating DamnnnGirl. I followed her through Necole Bitchie, and I wanted to see how she was going to change and reinvent herself.  And it’s so amazing to see where she is now.

Lauren- I talk to my friends about this all the time, I love her re-brand. I love that she left a seemingly fabulous life with celebrities to focus on more substantial content. I literally love that site so much.

5. What is one thing you wish clients would understand about publicists? 

Getting them to understand what PR TRULY is and the nature of our jobs. Also, getting them to understand that PR is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s more than one great press hit or amazing event, nurturing and building a brand’s image and reputation takes time and amazing relationships. You gotta be in it to win it!

6. What woman in the entertainment industry inspires you the most? And Why?

I feel like this has to be two people. Number one would be Oprah. I know this is cliche but she really inspires me because not only did she come from nothing and build her way up, but I’m always so impressed by how she has built her brand and company around being true to who she is as person. All of her brands from her her TV shows to her channel to her magazine, they all correlate with each other. Not one of those things is off-brand from who Oprah is. It is always about inspiring, uplifting the soul and African American people. And I love how she has built a whole empire off of that and has found a way to make people buy into it.

Another would be clearly Beyonce’s publicist, Yvette Noel-Schure. I always look at the team behind  the superstar and her team is phenomena and Yvette is a large part of that. The way that she has marketed Beyonce and her empire, and everything she does from a marketing aspect is so phenomenal. I wish there was a Beyonce marketing class because I would definitely take it.

7. What advice would you give to your 21 year old self?

I would tell myself to not beat yourself up so much. I think at 21 I just felt like I had to do everything in a certain time. I was graduating from college so I had it in my head that I had to get this job and meet this person or reach this goal by this time. Of course being in New York for five years my entire life became about my career and where I had to get in my career. And now that I look back on it I wish at that time, I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself because everything worked out how it needed to work out. I didn’t have to kill myself. I wish from the beginning I would have focused on self care more at a younger age. I think now the conversations around self-care have become larger, but when you’re young it’s always preached to “grind grind grind” and that can sometimes wear on you.I was so worn out, so tired, so stressed out for trying to have my life perfect and having every single goal checked off of a list. I think that also teaches people how to treat you. People know that if you value yourself enough to sometimes say no, then they won’t use and abuse you.

8. What are some of your favorite self-care routines?

Now, I am all about self care. I say no, I don’t overextend  myself. Some of my favorites are some of the normal things girls love to do like a mani/pedi, I recently started going to spas a lot. I know some people look at it like an expensive thing to do but a lot of them aren’t really super expensive. I get massages and allow myself to relax. I have also started reading more. I set time on the weekends to be in my house reading really great books.

9. Do you consider yourself to be a feminist? And what does that mean to you?

I never considered myself to be a feminist because people have always perceived it to be so negative. I never wanted to wear the title. I was thinking about this other day after I went to the Atlanta women’s march. It reminded me about how passionate I am about women’s rights, women empowerment, and African-American women’s rights and empowerment. That is what I love. I love talking about it and being apart of organizations like Color-com, that are committed to it. To me, what being a feminist means is that you are passionate about advocating for women’s right to be treated equally and fairly on all levels and across all ends of the spectrum. I think it is crazy sometimes when I think that a woman is still not paid equally to a man. Being a woman you want to advocate for other women to be treated fairly.

10. What are your goals for 2017?

My goals for this year is definitely to travel more for leisure, I want to take some time out for myself. I know this next one may sound a little ratchet (LOL) but  I want to level up in all aspects of life. I want to get to the level that I feel like I have been reaching for. Really stepping into more leadership roles. I am ready to start REALLY enjoying the fruits of my labor  now that I have been putting in so much work. Also, I really want to inspire which is why I felt like this was such an amazing opportunity. I love to inspire others, whether that means more mentoring or doing more speaking engagements.

11. What is one quote that you live by?

"Simply, don’t sweat the small stuff. In life things will happen and you can’t control everything, so don’t beat yourself up trying to. I’m handling what I can and letting God handle the rest."

12. What advice do you have for an up-and-coming publicist?

I would say practice relationship building and, yes, I say practice because these days I see a lot of newcomers going about it the complete wrong way. A true relationship is not a “what can you do for me/what can I get from you” type of attitude, but it’s about true collaboration and partnership. Identifying the needs on both ends and understanding how to work towards supplying those needs.

It’s also not just a one-time thing - relationships in business have to be nurtured just like relationships in your personal life. There are so many different ways to connect with people and network. One of the things that has helped me in my career is that I am constantly networking, every person I meet I am always thinking this could be a potential partner or someone I can work with. I am constantly going to events and trying to meet new people.

Be sure to keep up with Lauren through all of her social media channels!

Instagram: 

Twitter: 

Snapchat: @Miss_ellepaige