Oh lol I just realized something that I just never explicitly mentioned here after taking a hiatus from tumblr and then just coming back like nothing happened:

When I was running this blog back in the day and it was an SPN blog (yeah I know) that slowly shifted into a Star Wars blog, and I was vaguely popular cosplayer, I was pretty well known for the fact that identified as genderqueer and bisexual.

Yeah I went back on my adhd medication and actually was able to focus on the triggers for my dysphoria and what I was feeling for the first time in 10 years and realized I’m a gay man whoops

Starting HRT

Around this time last year, I went I ordered the first piece of clothing I ever wore that pushed my comfort zone but also affirmed my gender: my euphoria hoodie. It was a thick, bright bright pink unisex hoodie. I ordered it expecting to hate how I looked in it and to send it back, but even if I did like it, that I wouldn’t leave the house with it on. It arrived days later. I tried it on… instant euphoria. Then I casually left my dorm to meet with a friend at the library.

What felt like such a big deal in the run up, ended up being nothing, but better yet, a euphoria inducing experience.

The year that would follow would be a myriad of unimaginable challenges for me to surpass with respect to my transition. Everything felt impossible. I wasn’t even sure I wanted HRT, but paradoxically felt so drawn to it, and even slightly envious of the results my friends had got off of being on it.

I had my first private appointment with a psychiatrist to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis in September. My endocrinology appointment was booked soon after for the 20th of December. In this liminal space, my transition felt weird. I had said to my psychiatrist that:

I’ve explored all the avenues I can explore socially for my transition. I keep looking to medical transition for answers. The things I want, fat redistribution, change in emotional landscape, softer skin etc, can’t be achieved through social changes alone. There’s more to be had, and I feel HRT will help me get that.

He agreed and diagnosed me. The appointment on the 20th was spent discussing the different forms of HRT I could go on, and what my care plan would look like. After the appointment, my endo send a link to an online pharmacy to buy my HRT from. I ordered it and it arrived 2 days later, just before Xmas.

In the days running up to the patches arriving, I was so SO excited. But also apprehensive. That anxious part of my brain wanted to overthink everything: “have you thought about this enough? What if it makes you feel sick? What if you get fatigue? What if what if what if”. I’ve spent nearly 3 years on this gender exploration journey, spiralling in and out of doubt, I cannot be accused of not thinking about the step I was taking next enough. That’s when a dear friends words echoed through my head: “What if it all goes OK?” .

The patches arrive. I lay in bed, slowly waking up, nervously excited for putting on the patch, while simultaneously being autistically anxious about the unknown. What would it be like? How will I feel? How long will it take to notice? What if it all goes wrong?

I open the box. There they are. I grab my 50mcg patch, holding it with anxious anticipation. I pace the house for 30 minutes before tearing it open. Now I would need to put it on.

My mom arrived back home, and being so lucky to have such a supportive parent, but also one who has also been on HRT, I asked for her help putting it on. I could have figured it out, but given that I’m doing this privately for now, I can’t afford to waste any!

She showed me how and I managed to get it applied correctly. I felt fine. The sky didn’t fall in. I didn’t give off a blood curdling scream and drop dead. My nerves lifted and I just felt… normal.

I go out for lunch and return home with a sense of calmness over me. I didn’t know if it was because of the HRT or because I had finally done something I had been so anxious about.

It’s been 4 days now. That blanket of calmness still envelops me for the most part. For the first time in over a whole year, that nagging sense of unease and dysregulation has lifted a little. The sharper emotions of stress and anxiety have changed in quality a little. Things feel ever so slightly more mellow.

Is 4 days too few to experience any changes? Probably. Especially without a T blocker (for now). But I’m proud of myself. This time last year, I was scared of those around me knowing who I really am. Now? I’m fully out to those around me, and I’m on HRT. I’m excited for the future and to see the changes come round.

To any trans folx reading this who want to go the medical route: know that you’ll figure it out eventually. If you don’t feel sure, remember that you’re allowed to feel that way, and that one way or another, you’ll find your path. Mine has just started, and yours soon will too. Until then, please take care of yourself. It sometimes may not feel like it, but you deserve compassion and patience while you figure this out 💖

What is MANGADEX

I just put out a seven track album called MANGADEX that I’ve been working on since 2020 and I wanted to talk a little bit about the process behind it.

MANGADEX is about a particular part of my life. For a lot of my life, especially my adolescence, I was extremely antisocial, and I still am to some degree. I’ve known I was transgender since I was 12, and I’ve explicitly “wanted to be a girl” since I was 7. Like I was always a little bit “off” and uncomfortable with maleness and bad at performing it but when I was 7 I became obsessed with wanting to be a girl. But I didn’t know about trans people yet, and I knew enough to know that if I started telling people I wanted to be a girl it would go badly for me. When I finally learned what being trans was I told my parents. They reacted really badly but after a year they relented and took me to a “gender clinic”. That only made things worse. I won’t go into detail but I was like 13 and spent hours being interrogated by adults about my sexuality, masturbation, and all variety of unpleasant topics. Eventually they determined I wasn’t trans and I would  eventually grow out of.

After that I tried really hard to repress my dysphoria, which didn’t go well. It only got worse and worse as I got older. I became extremely withdrawn and antisocial, I never left my bedroom except when I absolutely had to and spent most of my free time engrossed in escapist fantasy through video games, anime and manga. I also used the internet a LOT. The internet was also where I read most of my manga and watched most of my anime, specifically through the websites MangaDex and kissanime.

In 2020 I had the idea to make two albums that would work as companion pieces. They would both be reflections on dysphoria, escapism and isolation. The first album, which I decided to call MANGADEX, would be a more positive album, focusing on the trying to find a way out of this state and what little good I could scrape out of it. This album was planned to be shorter (at one point it was a four track EP), with more emphasis on flashy sound design and high energy tracks influenced by dance music. The second album would be called kissanime. It would be longer (I’m anticipating about 10 tracks), with a focus on how fucking depressing and miserable this period in my life was/is. kissanime is going to be a lot sadder, with more atmospheric production (basically a bunch of Drain Gang type beats).

I’m aiming for a march release date for kissanime, but who knows when it’ll actually come out. MANGADEX was meant to come out in October and it just dropped a few days ago on December 2nd. If nothing else there’s a track on kissanime about aging and birthday’s that I wanna put out as a single on my actual birthday (March 6th) so hopefully I’ll be able to do that. I also have way more than 10 tracks in various stages of creation for kissanime, and I had to cut a track I was really excited for from MANGADEX because I just couldn’t figure out how to finish it. So after kissanime is out I’m gonna finish up all the leftover shit, maybe pad it out with some loosies, and call the resulting album nhentai (thanks to my friend PixelQuiet for coming up with that name, she’s a really cool gamedev and you should follow her)

But the thing about these two albums is that they don’t 100% represent where I am in my life anymore. The part in my life they’re about will probably always be with me to some extent and I’m honestly not fully out of that space yet. But when I started HRT in August 2021 it triggered a very slow move towards a more healthy social life and a healthier (though still extremely negative) relationship with my body. I’ve learned a lot about myself since then and I think I’ve grown a lot as a person. After I’m done with this series of albums I wanna do an album about where I am now. I’m stuck in my home town living with my parents and wanna get out. I’ve already begun writing for that album actually. I also want that album to be more guitar-centric and have sort of a post hardcore influence. Anyways, if you read all this then thank you. I hope you’re enjoying MANGADEX and I hope you enjoy kissanime when it finally comes out.

- V

Happy New Year!

I need a ramble.

So last year year before last, my grades went to hell. It was my Freshman year of College. I was in an honors program (still am). My dad died that March and my mom the July before. I was wrecked. So then this year last year, I fixed it. I buckled down that Spring and I made it right. Then this Fall, I messed up again. Bad. Worse than before.

I was Hospitalized, I was put on Medical Leave, and then I started my IOP journey. I did the stuff and I graduated my program. Yay me! And now I see my therapist twice a week. (Not just now. They closed for the holiday season. 3 weeks no therapy is very hard). But I’m actually doing something.

Soon, I’ll go back to school and I’ll try to fix it all again, and I hope it goes well. In fact, I say it will. 2023 will always be the year I screwed up, but it will also be the year I started HRT! In December! And the year I started Reading again! And the year I decided to study Philosophy! And the year I met Bandit and Val and Bale and Caden and Tony and Jo! The year I met all my people from SUN! My 10 percent era!

I’m anxious but excited to see what happens. I’m shaky, but getting more stable. I can’t wait to see what happens.

Tomorrow, I’ll probable ramble more about goals, but I just wanted to say some stuff.

Thanks,

Anec

Trans dude here 😁 I hope things are going well for you. My new temporary ID is on the way and I finally found an endocrinologist! My first appointment isn’t until May but I’m just glad I found someone who’s only an hour away and who accepts new patients at all. When I got off the phone after making the appointment I screamed in triumph for a while like the dudes in that “this is Sparta” movie 🤣

I’m also out to everyone now. My brother immediately went “I gotta be careful now when talking about my family cause I have a brother now, I mustn’t forget”. The last ones to know were the people in my sports club. I messaged the trainer privately first cause I didn’t wanna surprise the group chat out of nowhere and he was super nice and told me to let him know if I need anything to feel more accepted 🥹 and he said I could of course come out in the group chat so I did and a few people were like “see you at training, [new name]” and so far it’s been a non-issue at training. Everyone treats me the same and the trainers use my new name like nothing ever happened 😁

And a nice bonus: the 15-year-old trans dude at the sports club messaged me privately to tell me how happy and excited he was when he read that I’m trans too, cause now he’s not the only one anymore. He hasn’t been at training for a while but I’m looking forward to seeing him again cause he’s a cool dude and we get along great 😁 and now we’re trans bros 😁

And tbh I almost wanna message you off anon cause it’s kinda exhausting to stay hidden and mysterious 🤣

I am so happy for you!! I'm still waiting for my shot at getting to see an endo, so it makes me really smile that you've got one lined up, haha! Also wonderful to hear that your coming out to your brother went well, and your club as well. It feels like every step is a little easier, but there's still that trepidation of risking the loss of someone or something you care about. Doesn't it feel so fucking good to be fully out at last? :D

Trans solidarity is so important, and definitely something that I have relied on a lot in my own transitioning. I don't have any other trans people around me IRL - in the city, yes, but not in my circle - but I know that even just seeing an openly trans individual on the street emboldens me, and makes me want to be that same thing for someone else.

I'm doing okay, not much has happened lately. I'm waiting for my first HRT consultation in December. Doing my laser, practicing my voice. My voice therapist did inform me that my "base" frequency has risen 20 hertz since I started seeing her in April, which feels pretty huge. Still a long way to go, but it does actually put my average voice sound squarely in the feminine register. To say that I was giddy about that is an understatement!

You are more than welcome to come out of hiding, dear Anon, but I also respect it if you prefer anonymity. If you ever want to talk privately, please just send me a private message. Your messages continue to bring a smile to my face, and I hope I do the same for you. :3 <3

Just a text update

So I’m not “out out” at work, I’m sure some people know, but everyone’s still calling me by wrong pronouns and deadnaming me 😕 but the company HR found out and is setting up a plan that includes formally coming out to my coworkers, but it feels like they’re kinda forcing me to do a lot of stuff really fast, since we do government contract stuff my legal name has to be used for everything, so they’re pushing me to change my name legally

Also I finally set up my first appointment to start HRT for February, I was really hoping it would be sooner, but it’s still not that far away, hopefully once I get that settled I can go forward with my gender marker change on my birth certificate!

As far as weightloss, I took almost all of December off of my diet and gained a lot back, close to 20lbs 😭😱 but in the last 11 days I managed to drop 10 of that back off!! Trying to lose another 70, if I could lose that before my birthday in may I’d be so excited, but I’ll settle by the end of the year

the holidays are obviously fun, but now there’s also this extra little sense of guilt for me because i announced slarpg on december 23, 2015 with a projected 2016 release date, and then a year later i released the first trailer and said it would be done in 2017

this spring will mark five years since development began on slarpg (although, to be fair, i didn’t really get serious about it until 2016). i think it’s shaping up to be something really special, and we’ve put a ton of work into it to ensure that. i’m proud of what we’ve accomplished and i’m excited to get it into peoples’ hands

it’s just hard to work on a project for this long and still not know when it will be done. it feels very much like my life is on hold until the game is done. i have no idea how well the game will do. currently, between my patreon and some commissions i do on the side, i’m getting by. but i can’t think about getting therapy to start hrt, or getting prescribed adhd meds, or about anthony and i getting our own place, when i’m barely above breaking even

and it’s also just hard from a creative standpoint, having to sit on the story for so long. being so excited about these characters and this world and wanting to share that when literally only three other people on earth have even read the story outline. most of the actual plot of the game is spoilers. several of my favorite characters are spoilers and can’t be revealed before the game is released. it’s hard to try and keep peoples’ interest in the project when so little can be shown, even though a full hour of the game is playable for free. it’s easy to get kinda burnt out and feel like people have forgotten about the game, or that me constantly rambling about it on twitter to remind people it exists has created this unrealistic level of hype for a low budget rpg maker game and that it’ll never live up to it. it’s just easy to get caught up in my own head like this when i haven’t gotten new feedback for a while and have to rely on my own judgment to gauge the quality of my work

i don’t know where i’m going with this post. it’s just the reality of working on a project for this long, i suppose. in early 2020 i’ll have more of the game playable for private playtesting, and that should reinvigorate me. we’ll keep working on it and pouring a lot of love into it, and someday it will be finished and people can play it and see this story that’s existed primarily in my head for the last few years. hopefully that day will come in 2020. maybe not. but either way, i’m thankful that y’all have stuck around for this long, and that so many people have supported us, whether it’s through my patreon, or people drawing fanart, or even just folks telling their friends to check it out. it means a lot to me

Running a business with PMDD

I suffer from a condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD for short, its sometimes referred to as severe PMS although it is certainly way worse than PMS.  It has only recently (May 2019) been recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a unique condition meaning that PMDD will be considered a separate condition to severe PMS, should see more funding and research and allow doctors across the world to standardise their terms.  Hopefully leading to more diagnoses and better treatment and understanding.

The WHO defines PMDD as:

“a pattern of mood symptoms (depressed mood, irritability), somatic symptoms (lethargy, joint pain, overeating), or cognitive symptoms (concentration difficulties, forgetfulness) that begin several days before the onset of menses, start to improve within a few days after the onset of menses, and then become minimal or absent within approximately 1 week following the onset of menses.”[i]

PMDD is debilitating, it has caused women to commit suicide.  There are no specific treatments for it; for some women hormonal contraception works well, for other antidepressants, and for a handful of women only a full hysterectomy has helped.  Whatever the treatments, PMDD is different for different women – it affects us all differently.

PMDD and Me

For me PMDD is that girl in high school that was a bit two faced, smiles to your face when she needs you but when your back is turned pulled that ‘urgh’ face and rolls her eyes to her ‘real’ mates – you know the one I mean.

She is never the same though, some months she can be quite mild and meek, maybe a bit of insomnia and overeating, sometimes a bit grumpy or irritable – kinda friendly but you know that there is a storm brewing.  Other months she is in full on Bitch Mode!  She makes me believe my husband is having an affair, she makes me eat ALL DAY, she tells me I’m no good, she makes me want to get in my car and drive as far away as possible.

And when you have this whilst running your own one-man band business it’s really bloody hard!  As a small business owner hand making you own products you already question yourself pretty much daily; is my stuff any good, why do people buy it, why aren’t people buying it, shall I just jack it in and go back to ‘real’ work full time?  So, add PMDD into the mix and I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I bloody hate rollercoasters!

With PMDD I get these amazing times of euphoria, exciting manic times where my creativity and enthusiasm are in overdrive and OMG these times are awesome.  I come up with some of my best work during this time, my marketing strategies all just seem to work, I love being around people and go out and network loads.

But then I have to crash, and I kinda know I will but I never know how hard.  Sometimes I’ll just have a teary day, one where nothing goes right, I miss stamp literally everything and nothing I post on social media is interesting, so no one comments.  But sometimes this just lasts 1 day and I don’t even realise until my period starts that this day happened.  But other times I crash bad…  I just hate everyone and everything, my customer service goes out of the window as everyone is against me.  Why bother posting on social media as I can’t make it sound nice or enthusiastic.  I spend pretty much all day holding back the tears and my horrible attitude, I just want to stay in bed but I can’t sleep, I eat EVERYTHING in sight and I literally have to force myself to do even the most menial of tasks.

One of the very worst things about these really deep lows is that I don’t recognise myself, I am usually (for the other 2/3 weeks of the month) a really happy and enthusiastic person which is why I sometimes don’t even realise the manic days have happened until the low starts.  The lows that scare me are the ones where I don’t want to be around people, especially when you have a house to run with 2 small children and a husband and a part time job.  The ones where I just can’t seem to snap out of it, I know I’m in deep, I can’t stop myself saying some nasty things and snapping at those closest to me.  The lows where any orders I get don’t matter, they’ll probably just hate it when it arrives anyway so what’s the point making it at all.  Any messages I get I just can’t be arsed to reply as the questions are just so inane and pointless, or they’re just moaning at me for no reason – no your order that you placed 10 mins ago won’t be with you tomorrow as I have to HAND MAKE IT!  I have to stop myself replying with a message saying ‘won’t you just f*ck off already, you’ll get it when I decide you’re worthy enough to make my crappy handmade sh*t that you probably won’t like anyway and you won’t bother to leave me any feedback even if you do’ (that’s a whole other blog for another time!)

So why am I writing this blog now?

It is now December 2019 and I’ve been trying to write this since PMDD awareness month back in April 2019!  At the beginning of the month I had a plan to do some awesome posts about it, create some keyrings, maybe even raise some money.  Then it hits… why would anyone want to buy any of my keyrings, I’d be doing the cause a grave injustice in creating such shit products.  Believe me, the irony of this is not lost!  The irony of the negative thoughts is never lost once I come out the other side, and it’s this irony that delays me getting the help I need.  A few days passes and you convince yourself that it wasn’t so bad, it was just you feeling a bit blue for a day.  You get on with life, looking after the kids, bury yourself in work; the high is well and truly convincing you that you are absolutely fine and that next month won’t be so bad.  But then you notice the date, it’s a few days before you are due to ovulate and here we go again…

I went to my GP in May 2019 as the symptoms were not getting any better and asked to have the hormonal coil fitted again as it had helped me so much before I had my second baby.  It was fitted in June this year and I waited the 3 months to see if it would help, it unfortunately didn’t and in October I had one of my worst lows to date.  It was horrendous and I booked a GP appointment at 2am after being awake for nearly 48hrs, having eaten god knows how much food, drunk far too much wine and cried at every little thing I watched.  I saw my GP a couple of weeks later, obviously I was feeling much better but I am determined to get this thing sorted and she was amazing and we went through the options and I decided on trying oestrogen for the 2 weeks prior to my cycle.  I had to giggle to myself when reading the instructions; firstly because I have to rub 1 squirt of this gel into my thigh at the same time every day, and secondly because this is effectively HRT given to older ladies at the time of the change LOL!

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this is working for me, I’m 4 days before I am normally due on and the symptoms are back.  Definitely not as severe as the October crash but the feelings of annoyance, self-doubt and pointlessness of it all are here, my next step is perhaps anti-depressants, so I’ll book an appointment with the GP and see what the next steps are.

My battle with PMDD and keeping sane for my business continues, even as I write this I am questioning all my plans for 2020. I have/had some great ideas but that little well of anxiety is brewing up again and I’m thinking it’ll just be better/easier to scrap it all. I won’t though, I’ll step away from social media, take some time out for me (although with this comes the Mum Guilt fun) and give myself a good talking to that this will pass and next week I’ll be buzzing and posting non-stop and bugging everyone again! Until next month…

Thanks for reading,

Emma xx

For more information and guidance for PMDD please check out the MIND website here or IAPMD here, or feel free to drop me a message.

You can also download an app to track your symptoms here.

[i] https://iapmd.org/position-statements-1/2019/6/11/world-health-organization-adds-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd-into-the-icd-11

Ok. Wtf. You're ftm and have long hair and still pass? How do you do that? I let my hair grow out an inch and I look like a butch lesbian. (No shade thrown at butch lesbians. That's just not who I am.) But seriously, you look really good. I'm kinda jealous, honestly. I'm guessing you're on T since you have facial hair. Can I ask how long you've been on it and when you first noticed signs of it working? I started awhile ago and I'm really excited for it to work. I hope you have a good day! :)

before i start this, i have a permanent story/highlight on my instagram that i update with every shot or if something happens that i wanna remember lol (why tf do i fidget so much omg)

so! here’s what’s kinda... funny about my transition. my testosterone levels were originally checked in august of 2018 and the results were that my t levels were 3 times higher than expected. 

i started growing a mustache when i was 12 before i even had my first period, and i had to start shaving my beard before i was finished with middle school. 

by the time i was in high school i had to shave my face every single day because i have very dark, coarse hair, and it grows pretty damn quickly lol. if you watch that highlight, you’ll notice that i had facial hair already when it begins, before i had my first shot. 

i stopped shaving december 10th and by the time i had my first shot on december 17th i already had very noticeable facial hair.

so i kinda feel bad when other trans guys ask questions about transition timeline bc like... my experience i don’t think is very helpful for other trans men? like i had a huge head start so i’m 8 shots and 3 months in and i have a full beard, which takes most guys a year or more. facial hair growth doesn’t usually start until several months in, y’know. 

like my voice changing is really the only thing that i think i can track similarly to other trans men, but even then my voice has always been very deep and i’ve always been able to pass over the phone so i’m already ahead with my voice drop. like i started T already like 20% through a testosterone based puberty bc my estrogen-based puberty was, uh, a little funky lmao.

also i only pass bc you can’t see my triple d chest ;A; i’m trying to save money for top surgery bc it’s gonna be 6k ;;A;; (i have a ko-fi and a patreon for this reason)

but uh a lot of it is also attitude? i guess? i’ve never had a problem faking high confidence even if i didn’t feel it lol

and like. the first thing HRT does, in my experience, is lessen depression and anxiety. like. just knowing that something is finally changing makes a huge difference, y’know?

RE: Thinking About Buttons (again)

Turns out I was wrong in the last entry. It was actually my four-year HRT anniversary on the 4th of December. I’ve officially been doing this gender stuff long enough to forget how long I’ve been doing it. Even the google doc I write all these entries in is now over 50 pages long. Time has really flown. Pandemic time dilation has certainly helped that along. 

Like with most of these entries, something has been on my mind. For the past year or so, I stepped up to be a facilitator for the local trans support group that I mentioned in an earlier entry. It doesn’t feel like that long ago but, I’ve become one of the veteran members of the group and I’m actually a pretty good facilitator. Volunteering to help out has been one of the more fulfilling things I’ve done in the past few years. By some standards, I might even qualify as a trans elder now. Don’t worry, I have no intentions of putting out hot take think pieces anytime soon. 

The other day, a friend dropped something that has been lingering in the background noise of my brain since.

“Over the course of transition your problems start to become less about being trans and start being more about just being a person.”

I hadn’t thought of how to say it out loud, but that lined up with a lot of how I’ve been feeling. In another month and change, I’ll be attending my first wedding since coming out as trans. It’s exciting but has also been challenging. Women’s formal wear is a minefield of potential fopauxs on top of the already herculean task of finding a dress I like, looks good on me and is comfortable enough to wear for several hours. While trying on a potential winner, I had to ask my partner for help with the zipper. As she struggled to get the thing zipped, I started worrying that it wasn’t going to close because my chest is too broad. Had I been born cis, obviously it would be just close without any hassle. 

Eventually, it did close. The dress fit. It even made my already wonderful ass look even better. Then it dawned on me, it was supposed to be this much of a struggle to get in and out of this thing. If it were any looser, the strapless dress would slide right off. What I had thought was a trans-problem was actually just a person-problem. Anyone would struggle to get into and out of that dress. 

Almost all my recent problems that seem related to being trans are more about the common experience of being a person. The struggles with getting facial feminization are less about being trans and more about trying to navigate the labyrinthian nightmare of a for-profit healthcare system. Same thing with having to take supplemental estrogen for the rest of my life. I think of it kind of like having a chronic medical condition which is again just a person-problem and not really a trans-problem.

Person-problems can overlap with AFAB (assigned female at birth)-problems but they’re not exactly the same. For example, I don’t menstruate. I feel silly about it, but I find myself feeling a little jealous whenever my partner is complaining about cramps. It’s nonsense right? I know I would complain about them too. I know it would suck, but part of me wants to have that problem to complain about.

There are even moments where I get nostalgic for the time my body was convinced it was pregnant for about a week while I was starting progesterone. I even had to cancel a date because I was hunched over the toilet with cramps and nausea. It sucked and yet in that moment I had a taste of AFAB problems. Sometimes I consider going off progesterone to see if I could get back there when I resumed taking it again. Kinda like a tolerance break. 

Four years of pumping large amounts of estrogen into my body has done a lot, but there are limits to what it can do. Honestly, I was sad when I realized I had slipped up and confused my fourth HRT anniversary for the third. It meant I was that much closer to the five year point where most people stop seeing changes. What I got from the process is more than expected but less than hoped for. Even in the absolute dream scenario, I don’t know if I would be totally satisfied. There will always be a gap between where I am and where I want to be. It’s an asymptote extending infinitely forward. No matter how much time passes, I’ll never quite get there.

For the past day or so, I’ve been thinking a lot about the hypothetical button you can press that would instantly make you a cis person of whatever gender. Mostly, it is because I came across a plotline in a fantasy novel that made that hypothetical button a major plot element. In the setting, there is a curse that causes a person to appear as the opposite gender. It’s a relatively common fantasy trope. A character will put on a cursed item of gender bending and spends a portion of the story trying to remove it while other characters crack jokes at their expense. 

In this story however, the curse is used as a vehicle for talking about gender dysphoria in the setting. It first comes up as something that was placed on a woman by her mother who wanted a son and then a second time when a woman seeks out a way to inflict herself with the curse in order to transition. It was a welcome departure from how I’m used to seeing this trope used. As an aside. I would strongly recommend I’m in Love with the Villainess.

Back to the point of departure, I stopped and wondered what might happen if I were inflicted with such a curse. If it flips someone to the other end of a gender spectrum, I don’t know where I would end up. Would it turn me into a man, a woman or just not work at all? Yes, I am a woman but there are some things that I just can’t have. For instance, I don’t have baby pictures or childhood photos that I feel I can share. When other women ask me about growing up, I usually lie and say that I was a pretty intense tomboy. I almost fainted the first time a work friend asked me if I ever get weird food cravings when I’m on my period. 

Those things fill the space between the asymptote of my own transition and cis women. No matter how close I get, it feels like something is missing. It’s lonely. Most people seem to graduate from trans spaces when they get to this point and stop talking about being trans. 

If there was a magical button that would do my life over where everything is the same but I’m now a cis woman, would I even still want to press it with where I am now? Personally, I think I would smash it as hard as I could without a second thought. I also think I still wouldn’t be happy. AFAB problems are still problems after all. My envy is at a distance and the gender just seems greener on the other side of the fence. Even my *very* modest chest is an inconvenience about 99% of the time after all. I think I would even miss parts of myself that stem from my transition. 

I’m at the tail end of the window where I can expect any physical changes from HRT. From this point on, it’s mostly maintenance doses so my body doesn’t start breaking down from a hormone deficiency. Maybe it’s a sign of maturity that my relationship to the fantasy of the gender reversal button has changed so much. It also kind of sucks that I can’t even come up with a scenario where I feel at peace with myself. Even in the perfect fantasy I come up with for myself, gender is still a bitch

First update of 2018!

Hello to all! It’s been a while since I posted anything here regarding my transition so I thought I’d write a bit. Warning, lengthy post ahead! As some of you know, I am at the very beginning. So if you’ve been looking at some of my pictures and wondering why I still look like a dude wearing girly clothing and a wig, that’s why. I know my body is far from being feminine (and I don’t like it), and I plan to work on that during this start of a new year and through all those to come. First, what happened since Christmas? Not much really happened until the end of the year on December 31st. As a way to start the new year in a good way, I asked my friends if I could be myself during our party. Turns out I have the best friends in the world.

The first few minutes I stepped out of the bathroom, I was wondering what the hell I was doing. Then it came so naturally. The ice was shattered, their behavior didn’t change, they even did their best to use the correct pronouns and the correct name. I felt so free. If only I could have shaved my body all over! And trimmed my eyebrows! But, one step at a time.

On the night that followed, on January 1st, I changed my name on the last of my social networks; Facebook. Now everyone knows, from my acquaintances to my family members; all those I have on Facebook, anyway. I think I am blessed. So far, I have received so much support and positive responses; even from people that I thought would react in a completely opposite way. Most of the comments shared some similarities; they praised my courage, said they will take some time to adapt, and are, either way, happy that I am taking the path to become my true self, even though it is a difficult one. I know it’s a different process for everyone. Some still use the wrong name and wrong pronouns, I can’t blame them. They’ve known me as male for the past 5, 10, 20 years... But the toughest, and the one I was the most surprised with, was with my parents. When I first told them, at the end of last summer, their reaction was one of denial. ‘‘There’s no way’‘ ‘‘You have a penis, you’re a man!’‘ ‘‘We’ll never accept it’‘...I just need to give them some time. I am their only child, and the last thing they want would be to have to stop talking to me.

Now why was I surprised, you ask? Well, it’s just that, they progressed so quickly in such a short amount of time. We talked about it again some days ago. They were very receptive this time, and although they will need a lot of time to adapt, they agreed to work on it and will even offer me a new wig for my birthday...Needless to say, I was shocked, in a good way. My mom is even ready to help me with make-up tips... Small steps, that were so enormous, for me and them alike. They’re even trying to use the pronouns; but they are not yet ready to see *me*. That’s okay. I’ll give them the time. The past few days have been great. I spent more time with my friends, and when I do, I am being me. I wear proper clothing, I act more naturally, and I never felt so comfortable in my skin in a looong time. Of course my body isn’t perfect yet. Nothing’s done physically, save for a few places where I shave my hair.

But it’s all going to change soon.

I’m meeting a psychologist, on January 31st, the first of a couple sessions that will give me the required references to consult an endocrinologist and perhaps go forward with HRT. I am really excited and nervous for this!... Annnnd I think that completes my update for now! I’ll keep you all informed as time goes by. To finish this post, here’s another picture done with FaceApp and a little bit of Photoshop...

I can’t wait for this to be my reflection in the mirror, I swear to God. Take care everyone! Hugs and kisses! ~ Kayla xx

February 9, 2017

im just counting down the days till super sons!!

i ordered a superman beanie from love your melon 2day... conferences were. meh. honestly i dont fucking know they just made me feel bad about myself.

the hospital called and i finally have an appointment date for my hrt consultation! it’s may 23rd. it’s so fucking far away. i know for a fact that if my parents had just made the appointment in december like they were meant to, it’d be at least a month less wait. it’d be in april or maybe even march. instead i have to wait 4 months until the end of may, literally one month before i turn 18... idk. whatever. maybe that means i’ll get to start hormones before school starts which would be cool. part of me is nervous that maybe i’ll look..,, ugly?? after starting hormones? though i know i’ll look pretty similar to how i do now. yeah. idk. i’m excited and nervous at the same time but ofc i’m nervous you know?

ten things im grateful for

consultation finally

dc

friends

food

latte

seb

marvel

video games

super sons !!! and its 15 variant covers.

languages

why dont u look for another job that is less demanding of u in terms of social interaction? idk where you live but theres plenty of jobs out there with very little social interaction you may find fun.

its hard to go into the details of how i feel about my job but it’s just .... theres a lot of factors i guess... i don’t even have a problem with talking to customers like i don’t really Talk to them i’m bad with small talk but i’m known for being one of the most positive and friendly employees here and customers are always complimenting me on my voice and energy and stuff

its more just having to be around coworkers i dont like. i realized recently that almost all of the wonderful people i worked with when i first started out that made my job something i looked forward to have all quit and now i am surrounded by people who don’t respect me because they’re too stubborn to admit that i’m right 90% of the time. i’m one of the hardest workers at my store, if i’m honest probably the second or third best employee there altogether, and the burden of picking up after everybody else is taking a toll on me. nobody likes to listen when i point out things that would make everyone’s job easier. certain things HAVE to be done and no one else will do them so...

the combination of punching-bag-type customer service & repetitive physical labor & corporate pressure to be inhumanly fast and robotically perfect & the apathy of all of my coworkers & everyones stubbornness and selfish pride preventing them from being able to comprehend very basic essential tasks that allow us to be successful .... its a lot to deal with. my old manager was fired a couple months back and since then a lot of people have left. before then i was really excited to be promoted but now i don’t even know if i’ll be working here by the end of the holiday season

it’s really just a couple specific people, but i’m working with them almost every day, i don’t work with anyone else anymore really, so i dread going to work. seeing certain people on the floor and knowing my day is going to be shitty because these people don’t try like i do. a few of these people are freaks and bullies. i found out that only person i work with who actually tries is leaving in december for college so i’m like...................... what is the point

this turned into a huge vent but basically its just more than customer service, it’s a problem with my employer as a corporation that works good people to the bone and completely breaks them until they have nothing left and no choice but to quit. terrible people are rewarded here. i’ve been aiming for this company for years even when i still wasn’t allowed to go out because i knew about their outwardly liberal views and because their health insurance covers top surgery and HRT. i viewed it as a means to improve my life and escape from the hell i’ve been living and i feel like if i quit i’m giving up on those opportunities. i wanted to move out and get top surgery before i left but unless something drastically changes i’m not going to make it that far

i don’t want another shitty minimum wage job, i can’t handle this unreliable shift work and inconsistent hours, so i don’t know what to do. i’m a good worker but retail and corporate nonsense is going to destroy me. a while back i adjusted my expectations and i was going to just go to cosmetology school and then quit so i could become a nail tech and have a stable career (in my area they make twice as much as i’m making now) but my brain is wrecked i’m way too burned out i can’t handle carrying an entire store on my back as well as going to school lol

ANYWAYS like ive been saying i think itll improve some when i can drive and go places alone that help me relieve stress instead of sitting at home watching myself rot. that time will be coming very soon

HRT Day 192 + top surgery update

Ok so I haven't been active for a while bc I had to delete the app for a while to free up some space and didn't get around to downloading it again until just now. Anyway.

I actually passed more often than not yesterday at work, which is great. And I'm trying to focus on that instead of being pissed about the times I still get misgendered. When my voice is definitely more masculine at this point. Might be the blue hair too I guess but fuck people for assuming based on hair color. I also pass better wearing a ball cap backwards like a douche so guess I'll just look like a douche?

Aaand I had my consultation a few days ago, on Thursday, and it turns out that it'll be a thousand dollars cheaper than I was planning on, partially because I opted not to do a five hundred dollar painkiller injection in my spine before the surgery started bc fuck that shit. So with both of my credit cards it should be completely doable, though I'd still appreciate the help of y'all wanted to buy a hat or scarf. But yeah my appointment is set for December 17th and I'm super excited and also pretty nervous bc I've never had surgery of any kind.

I'll post details about the consultation too in case it helps someone, because I definitely would have liked to know more about what to expect going in than I had found anywhere.

It’s been a while.

I know I don’t have many followers. What like, two? And it’s both people I know? but blogging has its therapeutic uses so I figured I’d come back to it. A lot has happened since I was last on here. I’ve been on HRT for a little over a month and I’m already seeing some changes. It’s very exciting! My mom is coming around and learning to accept me, and in case you didn’t know already I’m 100% out. Have been since December and it feels great.

On a more somber note, my dad passed away last month. It was really hard, I cried a LOT. I loved my dad very very much, he was a wonderful man. So full of love and kindness. I miss him so much. What hurts the most is that I know he died before he really accepted me. He wouldn’t admit it but I knew he was struggling a lot with it. He was really unhealthy though, I kept trying to tell him he needs to see a doctor because he had every symptom there is of major heart disease but he was so stubborn. I do take solace in the medical examiner saying that he died of a ruptured heart valve that took him quickly, most likely before he hit the ground so he didn’t suffer long. It also forced me to reconnect with his side of my family. They’re mostly conservative Texas folk but much to my surprise and joy they all accepted me with open arms. I couldn’t ask for a better family and better friends. I’ve lost so little in my transition, I feel like the luckiest trans girl in the world. I wish every trans person could experience the love and support that I have been blessed with, it makes me so sad to see so many of us go through devastating loss and rejection just trying to be true to ourselves.

Speaking of my father, let me give a little bit of detail on his legacy. He’s somewhat of a celebrity in certain circles, although not as much as he should be. When my dad was young, before my mom and him were even dating, he worked for a company called Creative Engineering as an artist. They are the company that invented the Rockafire Explosion animatronics show which became the main attraction at Showbiz Pizza, which later evolved into Chuck E Cheese. Look it up, it was cutting edge for its time. Nothing like it had ever really been done before. My father designed every single one of the characters himself and when Showbiz bought out Chuck E Cheese, they lost the rights to the Rockafire Explosion show and decided to run with the Chuck E Cheese name and business model. This led to my father being hired (after he left Creative and started his own company) to retrofit all the old Rockafire Explosion animatronics characters with the new Chuck E Cheese character designs.

Basically what I’m saying is without my dad, there would be no Chuck E Cheese. Think about the cultural impact that place had and continues to have. Without my dad, there would be no Five Nights at Freddy’s. There wouldn’t have been countless episodes of popular cartoons with their own parody versions of the show (Regular Show, Invader Zim, etc.). None of that would exist without my dad, and the most amazing part is he didn’t do it for the money (which he got screwed out of a lot of it anyway). He did it because he saw a chance to make children happy, to help make a magical place where kids could play and have fun. That’s my dad. He would always talk about how much he hated that places like St. Jude’s and Arnold Palmer’s Hospital needed to exist. He hated that so many kids had to suffer from cancer, or from abuse, or from poverty. He didn’t say this just to make it seem like he gave more of a shit about the world than he really did. He meant it. It dug at his soul, and his contributions to these shows were his way of doing what he could to make children happy.

Anyway, I’ll stop this here. I doubt anyone will read it anyway, I just wanted to get it out.