I’m not going to reblog the post itself because I don’t want that behavior on my blog, but oh my god I just saw a post about “looking for fics about your favorite character on ao3” and good lord the amount of bad takes both in that post and in the notes?? I have to just ramble about this for a moment because oh my god. it was ludicrous.

people were complaining that, and get this, unfinished fics exist. and that if you read an unfinished fic you’ll have to, get this, wait to read more until it’s published next. they were allll up in arms that there’s fics for a character that don’t cater to their specific interests. that they involve other characters and either do/don’t put them in a romantic relationship when they want the opposite for the character.

like at this point, most of you people in the notes on that post are 1) just being mean and condescending about FREE WORKS you can, may I remind you, READ FOR FREE and EXIT at ANY time! if you don’t like it!, don’t read it!, it’s so simple!, and 2) straight up do not know how ao3 works lmao

like I saw soooo many people in the notes complaining about a certain ship, dynamic, tag, etc, and like… y’all know you can filter by romantic vs platonic pairings, by ratings, by excluding certain tags or other qualifiers, etc etc etc… you know about ao3’s actually incredibly usable filtering and searching system… right… right??

at this point I’m just convinced a lot of these people are spoiled by large fandoms with 100k+ works for their characters and have decided to just be mean and condescending for no reason on main, about literally free fan works you can read for free any time that people spend hours and hours pouring their free time into out of sheer love for their craft. cuckoo bananas behavior if you ask me 🫠

I was legit so close to commenting that maybe they should try shipping two characters with <10 fics, with 0 fics, try liking a rare pair, try hyperfocusing on a character or niche type of fandom with a tiny but lovely circle of fans, and stop treating fan works and fic as Content TM that they deserve to have handed to them that caters to exactly what they want for free and maybe they’ll calm down lmao

like y’all aren’t cool you’re just being mean. we fundamentally approach fic in wildly different ways and honestly the way you do sounds exhausting. literally could not be me, I’m to busy finding joy in shared love for characters and not flipping the table in a rage because there’s one (1) element of the fic that isn’t specifically catered to me, maybe try that and you’ll feel better, hmm?

and yeah I’m aware that last sentence is me being condescending towards them, but frankly it’s warranted when so many people are being that mean and haughty for no reason lmao but truly those takes were horrific. fellow fic writers and even fellow fic readers I interact with, am mutuals with, authors whose works I read, readers who comment and interact with my works, fans of niche fandom subsets that run in the same circles as me— I hope you know this is so wildly not how I approach fics, I love just finding fics for my characters and forming these lil communities where we share our interests and love for them and hype each other up. I love what we have in these fandom niches and I hope you know I would never dream of being so mean and condescending towards y’all. fic writers and readers and fan communities are so special and I cherish it even if clearly there’s people in the notes on that other post who don’t know how to do that lmao. I love your unfinished WIPs, I love your fics that may only partially be what I’m looking for, I love when you write characters in a way I wouldn’t expect but shows your love for your particular headcanon, I love the variety and diversity and variance in fic. I love us. genuinely. fic writer moots I am hugging all of you and I frequently reread your works, even the unfinished ones. ♡

i just wanna say im happy to see you and other transmasc people being happy as yourselves because I'll never be able to feel that joy myself. im too ugly and fat and too femme to be a real transmasc person/boy so im gonna go cry myself to sleep again cos all the media i want to enjoy makes me dysphoric as all hell but i know ill never be a real transmasc person or real trans person or real boy who could be a boyfriend to a boyfriend or anything. ik this isnt really an ask and im just ranting. i really am sorry you have to listen to someone so miserable and pathetic as me, a stupid cis girl who hates herself more than anything and wishes she could be a boy but will never be.

but im happy for you, truly and sincerely. i wish you and all actual trans people all the joy and happiness you could ever ask for and more.

Sweetheart okay listen to me and listen to me good, okay? I love you and it’s going to be okay and if I was there with you irl I’d be hugging you really hard rn, ilysm and it’s gonna be okay. 

You’re not too ugly, you’re not too fat and you’re not too femme to be transmasc, okay? 

Because, and listen to me closely, there are no requirements to be transmasc other than being transmasc. Full stop. 

You don’t need dysphoria, you don’t need to get surgery, you don’t need to fit conventional beauty standards, you don’t need to be thin and skinny, you don’t need to be masculine.

And if you wanna be a fat femme transmasc fucking go for it!!!! You don’t have to be skinny and masculine to be transmasc, you can be transmasc. If you want to, you can be trans.

You can be transmasc. I want you to say that to yourself, say it out loud or whisper it, say it in your head if you want. You can be transmasc. You are allowed. I promise you.

I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t fit the requirements for being transmasc but I promise you you are allowed to be transmasc, you are allowed, sweetheart if you want to be trans you can go for it. Be trans. Ily.

Yknow what? I want you to stop saying that right now. “I’ll never be a real boy” that is absolute bullshit, okay? You can be a real boy if you want to. You can be a real boy.

You can be a boyfriend and I promise you you’re not as unloveable as you think and there is someone out there who will love you for who you are, okay? 

Don’t apologise. Don’t apologise don’t say sorry don’t apologise for existing and struggling. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, okay?

You can be a boy. If you want to be a boy you can be one. Go for it. 

And I promise you love you can feel the joy and happiness that you have seen trans people feel. 

I know what it feels like, I know it seems like hell, I know the days when the dysphoria’s so bad you can barely bring yourself to move, I know what it feels like and it is hell. But I promise you it is only temporary, okay?

The trans community is here for you and there are so many people who will love and support you through your journey. And gender euphoria and transition (if you want!) and satisfaction with your identity and boyhood may look unachievable at the moment but it is real, it is close and real and near and possible. It is possible.

If you want to talk more, feel free to DM me on my main blog @quillsink. 

And it does turn out okay in the end. I promise, it seems like hell right now but it does get better, it really and truly does. I love you.

you were talking about something a bit similar yesterday so I'm sorry for being late to the conversation, but I just do not understand people who are fans of the LOV and yet are so vehemently hateful towards Midoriya, and in turn most of the other kids. I understand the criticism that sometimes the kids get things handed to them by the story, but tbh that is just to be expected of the protagonist characters in a shonen manga like this one. even so however, it's not like Midoriya gets off free of everything that he does? his actions and his sacrifices and very actually very rarely ever truly appreciated within the story, just because he is successful in most of his feats doesn't mean that the people around him necessarily Notice (him only getting one internship request after the sports festival despite displaying amazing power and critical thinking skills, the Stain Hosu incident, even in the VERY BEGINNING of the series when he runs forward to save Bakugou he says himself that he was only reprimanded for being so careless in his actions).

I see so many people who are (so ironically) only seeing the story in black and white, when in reality these kids, and Midoriya especially, are being negatively impacted by hero society just as much as the villains are, they're just experiencing it from a different angle. (Which adds a whole other layer to the Midoriya becoming the greatest hero plotline, because the society that he is also fighting against is the one that was shaped that way by his predecessor- albeit unintentionally.) Midoriya is going to be the one to try to save Shigaraki, Midoriya has already become the greatest hero by actively looking past the actions of Shig and the League and wanting to help them.

- I didn't get to finish my thought from the FULL ESSAY I sent earlier (my bad about how long that ended up being lmao) but...yeah I was saying about how Midoriya is already a better hero at 16 than most other pros because he actively wants to help the League. Midoriya is exactly the kind of hero that the villains, and Shigaraki in particular, needs in order to have the happy ending that so many want for him. I agree that the manga has been a bit of a drag-along for the past few...months tbh, and I am absolutely Livid at the way that Bones has structured the story, and it's causing a lot of boredom and Tons of tension with people, but I feel like a lot of villain fans are taking that out on the integrity of the characters themselves, which is causing a lot of the mischaracterizaton of Midoriya in particular. n idk, I just find it sort of ironic, DEFINITELY annoying, and in general just.... :/ yknow. just :/

I think it's completely valid for people to just simply not like certain characters for whatever reason they might have, im not here to police people's opinions, but when people's opinions come at the expense of misunderstanding pretty key elements of the characters / story they're talking about, that's when I have a problem. FINAL MESSAGE I promise lmao sorry again for the 600 page essay

You're good lol. In fact, I've discussed some of this in-depth in private with a tumblr friend. Again, I feel like my DMs are being read 👀 anyway lol

So obviously this is going to be a long ass post so I'll add a cut toward the top. But I wanna start off with: there's a lot to unpack here and I'm going to preface with, I agree with you. But I also have to say that I see both sides, but when it comes to vehemently hating a character and letting that hate for that character lead to bad takes (which I see for Deku and another character that I'll get to under the cut) I feel like the overall point people are trying to make loses its grip because it starts to just turn into bashing, and doesn't actually hold water with what's actually in the story.

"I just do not understand people who are fans of the LOV and yet are so vehemently hateful towards Midoriya, and in turn most of the other kids. I understand the criticism that sometimes the kids get things handed to them by the story, but tbh that is just to be expected of the protagonist characters in a shonen manga like this one."

I'll be honest, I see a lot of people love on the UA kids. Especially ones like Kirishima, Kaminari, Mina, Tsuyu, basically any of the ones with personalities that are beyond "I have to get stronger! I have to catch up with my classmates and live up to everyone's expectations!" Which I personally feel like pretty much all of the UA kids have as personalities, save for the main five, and the few above that I listed. But for the hatred toward Midoriya....oy. Where do I begin.

Well, I actually don't see a lot of Deku hate on my dash. I follow a very small number of blogs, most of which are pretty in line with my POV of the story and therefore, I don't see a lot of bad takes.

A little baby rant inside of this monster post:

Yes, I have come across extremist villain-stan blogs that, while I agree with some of their opinions on the villains, I don't agree with their opinions on the hero characters. I've unfollowed blogs like that, because they started exhausting me and making me upset, tbqh. Like yes, the villains are the best characters in the story. But guess what? They aren't the only ones in the story. We have other characters that are important to the overall themes and messages. I, personally, really like the hero kid:villain set up. Others I've seen want the heroes and villains completely separated in the story and for the villains to save themselves without any help from the heroes?? Makes zero sense because the story is about these becoming true heroes, and in order to do that they need to challenge themselves by saving a villain. So...blogs that were spouting that nonsense, I've unfollowed and stopped engaging with.

But back to Midoriya. Okay, I genuinely, genuinely like Midoriya! I've liked him from the beginning. He's not favorite, he's not even my second favorite. He's in my top 5 though. But the only dislike I personally see toward Midoriya on my blog is for these problematic things that have occurred:

Telling Shouto he thinks he's going to forgive his father because he's kind, making Natsuo feel bad for not forgiving his abusive POS father.

Trying to "reach" Dabi the same way he reached Shouto, only to just cause more harm.

Saying Endeavor is a mentor who made him stronger??? TO Dabi??

Teaming up with the fucking top 3

So....basically...any time Midoriya has been interjected into the Todoroki plot line, he's been less than likable--AFTER what he did for Shouto during the sports festival. That was a positive thing, and it actually kicked off the Todoroki plot line really really well. It got us into Shouto's inner world and started his story off nicely I think.

And you can argue that Midoriya's flaw is being blinded by hero society and seeing the good in everybody, BUT--

This was LITERALLY THE FIRST INTERACTION between Midoriya and Endeavor. THIS set the tone for the Todoroki plot. So....all that stuff up there that people hate about Midoriya, is definitely valid. I mean...I don't think it's worth hating him for but people can like and dislike who they want. But this just reiterates my belief that so many things in BNHA come to a fucking halt for Endeavor's bitch ass. The main character included.

"it's not like Midoriya gets off free of everything that he does? his actions and his sacrifices and very actually very rarely ever truly appreciated within the story, just because he is successful in most of his feats doesn't mean that the people around him necessarily Notice (him only getting one internship request after the sports festival despite displaying amazing power and critical thinking skills, the Stain Hosu incident, even in the VERY BEGINNING of the series when he runs forward to save Bakugou he says himself that he was only reprimanded for being so careless in his actions)"

So, I don't entirely disagree but I do have to disagree to an extent. Midoriya's consequences have been a topic for a while now and everyone says the same thing. Nothing ever comes back to him, he doesn't ever actually fail at anything. His failures don't actually hold him back or push him to challenge his beliefs. Like...narrative consequences here is what I'm talking about. Midoriya only got one offer after the sports festival, yes that's a consequence of putting your body through ridiculous strain and self-destructing in front of everyone like that. But it ended up working in his favor because he went with Gran Torino who taught him his next big move, full cowling, which I think we can all agree was a major power-up for him. So...it wasn't much of a consequence in the long run. It wasn't a set back. And you're right, he was reprimanded for rushing in to save Bakugo in the beginning, which is coming into play now when we see that it's actually hard for people to step in and save others because everyone is so trained by society to just let heroes handle everything. Even though Bakugo would have died if not for Midoriya. BUT--what happened next? All Might gave him his power. That was a reward by the narrative. Granted that HAD to happen for our story to kick off, but I'm just trying to show how Midoriya doesn't ever actually have any set-backs.

"Midoriya is going to be the one to try to save Shigaraki, Midoriya has already become the greatest hero by actively looking past the actions of Shig and the League and wanting to help them."

"but...yeah I was saying about how Midoriya is already a better hero at 16 than most other pros because he actively wants to help the League. Midoriya is exactly the kind of hero that the villains, and Shigaraki in particular, needs in order to have the happy ending that so many want for him"

Fully agree here. I'll say that recently I've seen a lot of people making posts about how they don't think it'll be Midoriya doing the reaching and saving. How they think it'll be the LOV saving each other without the help of the heroes, how they'll reach each other's hearts?? Which...I don't even know what to say besides ask people who think that what they think the purpose of all these parallels and similarities drawn between him and Shigaraki are for, if not to bring them together in the end (and stay connected too--not just be yeeted from each other's lives), the two brothers who were separated from each other, and a teenage girl who was never accepted by her peers and basically forced to find family in a group of adult men lol. I'm not sure if you were responding to my rant yesterday with this ask lol, but if you are, I mean yeah I'm on board here. Midoriya is supposed to be that "true hero" that breaks through even the toughest, strongest walls, who in HIS case is Shigaraki. But not just him, Shouto, Ochacko, and Bakugo too. There's a kid:villain set up for a reason, so people who don't want that set up are either just....super super one-sided in how they're reading it, or it's just their preference and they're not actually caring about what the story itself is going to do. (Bakugo is kind of a seventh wheel....lol)

Again, I can't say I've seen too much irrational Deku hate on my dash. I avoid stupid shit for the most part. Most of the blogs I follow, while they may not like Midoriya, they still see the redeeming characteristics in him and still make valid takes on the story and take his actual character into account. But I have seen the irrational hate you're talking about, I've just successfully yeeted it from my dash.

Another character, and I know you didn't bring this character up but I feel this issue applies to them as well--is Hawks. Now...I do not like Hawks. I don't hate him, but I seriously just cannot bring myself to like him. I can't tell if it's his fans that have just ruined him for me, or just his overall vibe in the story. I don't even know at this point I've spent so long avoiding getting to know his character. But--I've seen villain-stan blogs hate him so much to a point where they completely forget that he is also a victim of society and has his own issues. And their takes on him come at the expense of....well, a clear understanding of the story. Now right now Hawks is being handled not-so-great, but even before this. Of course nobody has to like him, I mean I just said that I don't, but this irrational hate that comes at the expense of his actual character is annoying to me.

"I think it's completely valid for people to just simply not like certain characters for whatever reason they might have, im not here to police people's opinions, but when people's opinions come at the expense of misunderstanding pretty key elements of the characters / story they're talking about, that's when I have a problem"

Yep yep yep. I agree here too. So in a nutshell, no matter what character it is, if people irrationally hate them to a point where their takes on the story just stop making sense, yes I agree that it starts to wear away at the integrity of the character, and it also annoys me and I end up just unfollowing and I no longer take anything they say seriously. And there are a couple of blogs I follow that really don't like Midoriya at all, but they don't waste their time talking about how much they don't like him. They simply just...don't talk about him. That's what people should do because otherwise it fills EVERYONE'S dash with negativity that we didn't ask for. That's why I'm glad I've stopped getting so many asks about Hawks because I have never really had anything nice to say about him and after so many people sending me stuff asking to talk about him I started to feel like a shitty person for filling peoples' dashes up with that. I mean...I'm seriously mean to Hawks lol. I am. So yeah.

I don't particularly understand the extreme hatred either. I totally get not liking a character but that extreme hatred you're talking about I've made a successful effort to distance myself from. Thankfully.

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

 woah.  look  who's  still  alive  !!  here's  a  bit  of  context  for  this  post,  if  anyone  is  still  around  and  interested.  

the  last  two  years  have  been  crazy  for  me.  but  as  this  year  is  ending  i'm  getting  to  a  point  in  my  life  where  i  feel  like  i  have  energy  (and  literal  physical  resources)  to  sit  down  and  write  actively  on  tumblr  again.  

admittedly  i  feel  a  little  out  of  place  i  love  a  lot  of  my  muses,  miss  them  all.  but  i  don't  necessarily  feel  like  writing  them.  missing  them  doesn't  really  equate  to  having  inspiration  for  them.

some  i've  just  lost  hype  for,  some  i  already  wrote  everything  i  was  interested  in  exploring  for  the  time  being,  some  are  just  tainted  with  bad  memories  about  my  experiences  with  certain  fandoms  (cofcof  fma  fandom  collectively  agreeing  p*dophilic  ships  are  a-ok???)  

 i  genuinely  miss  and  want  to  write  jyn  again.  star  wars  is  about  the  one  *fandom*  that  i  have  always  been  part  of,  a  universe  and  lore  that  i  never  quite  get  tired  and  bored  of.  sometimes  i  need  a  break  from  tumblr  specifically.  everyone  does,  i  think.  but  every  time  i've  gone  radio  silent  here  it's  because  of  external  reasons.  there's  still  so  much  i  want  to  write  and  explore  with  jyn.  she's  such  a  clear  and  loud  character  in  my  mind,  thinking  about  her  makes  me  feel  inspired.  thinking  of  The  Tumblr  RP  Experience(tm)....   not  so  much.  and  maybe  that's  okay.  maybe  i  just  need  to  be  more  assertive  in  making  sure  my  spaces  are  mine  and  not  ruined  by  people  and  trends  that  don't  vibe  with  me.

 i  created  this  blog  soon  after  turning  18.  this  year  i  turned  25.  maybe  i'm  just  getting  old  and  it's  only  natural  to  want  to  settle  down  in  some  way  and  favour  what's  familiar  and  comfortable  than  keep  looking  for  Other  Thing  That  Inspires  Me  More  yknow  what  i  mean??  everyone  needs  stability  of  some  sort  and  for  my  ravenclaw  ass  having  a  stable  creative  space  is  really  important.  i  love  writing,  i  love  making  edits,  i  even  love  the  thought  and  creativity  that  goes  into  aesthetics  and  making  themes  or  organising  an  about  page.  

 so  point  is.  i  really  want  to  come  back  to  this  blog.  it  might  take  time,  i  may  be  slow  at  times,  it  may  mean  being  more  firm  than  usual  with  boundaries  and  more  deliberate  with  blocking  people.  i'm  so  detached  from  the  rpc  drama  and  standards  and  expectations.  i  just  want  to  write,  i'm  not  here  to  make  friends  this  is  not  rupaul's  best  friend  race

 i'm  kidding  i'm  totally  here  to  make  friends  lmfao  but  now  i'm  more  relaxed  about  this  place  so  yeah.

 i'll  be  revamping  and  cleaning  this  blog,  keep  what  i  like  and  delete  and  change  what  i  feel  it's  outdated  and  all  that  jazz.

 sorry  for  the  long  rant  jsjsjsjs  but  thank  for  reading  to  anyone  who  got  to  this  point.  feel  free  to  hmu  to  plot  things,  i  want  to  wrITE  all  the  things  :((

a rant, a depressed and anxious one

Sigh.

Okay.

I know this isn’t for this blog at all, since this is just a blog for art, jokes, and other feel good stuff, but,

It’s the only blog I have.

I would’ve ranted on Discord or Insta or something, but they both have a lot of my actual irl friends on there and that’s a bit too many people I know that I don’t want seeing this.

Also, there’s gonna be a good amount of swearing here, so swearing tw.

So where do I even start?

Fuck it, I’ll go down the line.

Friends and the Future

It’s my senior year in high school. I’ve made friends, so many friends on my way here. I love them all for all they’ve done for me. I appreciate all of them to no god damned end because fuck, I don’t think I could’ve made it even close to where I am right now without them. I would’ve given up long ago without them. I don’t even know what I did to deserve such amazing people in my life. I don’t even know how I’ll pay em back in my lifetime. I just... they’ve all been so kind and supporting in the time I’ve known them all and it’s just got me stunned thinking bout it.

But senior year. I’ve been told it’ll go by quick. It is. I don’t like this. Like, we graduate, and then college to work on our future and determine how the rest of our lives will be? It’s... pressuring, to say the least.

And fuck. I even managed to get dealt a bad roll for college apps, woopdee fuckin’ do. The entire period of time that seniors were supposed to be doing college apps and turning them in at the end of Decembe- well, let me clarify something.

From junior year, my family (and as an extension, me) were thinking of putting me through this program where I automatically get enrolled to community through a series of meetings, paying a year for the community completely. After that, you do community for one more year, then you get to transfer to a UC or CalState of your choice. Ain’t that somethin’? Well, yeah, my family has always been having problems with rent. I mean, we pay them on time, but it leaves us a bit on the slightly dry side in terms of leftover luxury funds, y’know? We never had a formal college savings fund, so this program was like a godsent to us.

Anyway, as a backup, in case the program didn’t work out, which was unlikely, but still, I wanted to still formally apply to some colleges, and if I did make it, apply for financial aid and just be in the negatives later.

WELP, we happened to be in a rent-related situation around the times that apps were prevalent and were supposed to be being done, so guess who didn’t want to burden and dig a deeper financial hole for their family for a backup plan? That’s right, yours truly, the bi disaster himself, right here! It’s not I had a choice imo, if I were to get about five-ish apps, that’s a pretty big lumpsome of cash right there, and I’m pretty sure it would’ve put us below what we needed for rent, heh. And when we did actually get into a more secure position, it was already late November, and the deadline was far too close to take care of all of the intricacies that I needed to file for, like scholarships and financial aid and stuff and stuff.

So all that time, where I hear all my friends dying internally because of the absolute amount of work they were doing for college apps, I was just sitting there. Not able to do anything for myself.

Speaking of my friends, that was a time where I was being ranted to more frequently because people were just fucking stressed the hell out over everything. I was fine with being ranted to. I’m always open to it. I wanted to help everyone that I could, but let me tell you: it made me kinda feel like shit, to be honest. For multiple reasons.

A) I wasn’t feeling the same pain as everyone else. I couldn’t be as stressed as them. I was living the fucking high-life because I couldn’t do apps while everyone else was slaving away. Everyone seemed to be falling apart, not just because of apps, but because of mental, familial, emotional, and sometimes physical problems, and I can only talk to them, give them hope, give them my condolences...

On one occassion, talk someone out of killing themself.

I- fuck. I don’t know.

B) Knowing that people I know and talk with daily and I cherish are in shitty moods just puts you in a similarly shitty mood. Sigh.

C) A sort of selfish and self-centered reason, but executive dysfunction, I think it’s called. It’s basically when you see other people working and you have nothing to do, but just seeing other people working makes you feel the need to make yourself busy and do work, except it’s a dumb cycle becaUse, ykNow, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO, so. Just seeing everyone else doing stuff and being accomplished and stuff while I just sat there and did nothing just made my anxiety about the future act up for a while.

Yeah.

But on the topic of college and the future... Everyone I know is basically gonna be scattered to the wind, huh? We’re all going to different colleges, I know this. They’re all fairly local and together, with the exception of one person, whom I don’t know is staying local or going out of state, but still. I’m worried. Will friendships I’ve invested so much into, something I’ve gotten so many good memories out of, just fade overtime like it’s nothing? It’s scary to think about. I love the network of friends I have. I dread thinking about losing it all to time.

Other Random Things

Ngl, I feel like I’m slowly becoming an utter disappointment when it comes to piano. It’s something I’ve pursued for well over half my life and because of a constrained and tight schedule, I’ve just hadn’t had the time to practice recently. And I’ve got a recital this Sunday, so I have to hope practicing this week can get me in shape.

What else.

I’ve been skipping out on sleep recently to get my work done while trying to fit piano practice into my schedule, so I end up sleeping at around 2 am and attempting to wake up at 6 am, but oversleeping and waking up 15 minutes before school starts. Thank god I live close.

What else x2.

I-

Should I?

Fuck it. This post has gotten this personal, what’s one more?

To keep it short, at least four other people I know are feeling a similar kind of mood as me, and my condolences for all of them, but one person in particular it irks me knowing they feel this way too, that being my s/o. I just. Don’t like it. I don’t want anyone to feel this way, much less them.

...They should also get some sleep. A healthy amount. :l

...

Awkward ending

Ty for listening to my long-ass TED talk

And sorry for the long-ass TED talk

...

Fuck my own eyes for tearing up

this ones gonna be a long one, sorry. ive recently made a change in my life where i want to very genuinely try my best to understand why people feel the way they do, even if its on a side i very much disagree with. the other day i had laughed because i saw a tweet where someone warned against interacting with transmeds because ‘they might make you actually believe them with their rhetoric!!’ aka just like. oh bo they actually have legitimate arguments and i was just. lmao. anyway (1/?)

fast forward a few days and i see like. the same thing near word for word about terfs. and yknow what. ive spent all the years of my life that i knew of them hating them without ever looking in on their side of all this; only trusting what people on my side said. the same way i had been when i was an idiot on the tucute side, about transmeds. so i felt sympathy, and decided i would at the very least try to understand. now, i wasnt gonna torture myself, i purposely found a good (2/?)

section of their community. as it turns out, they suffer from the whole ‘the extremists are the loudest and most revolting’ thing all our sides do. most blogs ive found acknowledge dysphoria and many that transition is necessary for most people with dysphoria. this isnt an opinion they all share but its not integral to their main belief. like how transmeds have many beliefs but share One, that you need dysphoria to be trans, i figured out that roughly, (3/?)

all terfs believe that oppression in relation to gender is sex-based. meaning that because most are the same biological sex as their gender, the two are linked in how they are oppressed. the ‘trans exclusionary’ part doesnt mean that they want to exclude trans women from being women (though yes some do, but it isnt a core belief and theres a difference there) it just means that they believe the issues trans women face because their women are already addressed as part of their feminism and (4/?)

the trans specific struggles they face should be focused on by the trans community. now, regardless of whether one believes in that, i think its pretty fair to understand that at the end of the day, thats an opinion, and their core belief isnt murdering anyone. and i think about how demonized Anything to do with them is, hell, i know its likely this rant will be, but. yes there are bad terfs but the ideology itself isnt inherently evil. its an opinion. and the outright slander (5/?)

I saw your rant about the st. Louis show on another blog... I tried to get VIP too and I had three tabs open at exactly 4:00. Like... half of the bottom floor was just... gone. Wtf. Now bots are going to resell them for triple the price and take innocence peoples' credit card information :(

Ugh, I fucking knew this would happen. This makes me so unbelievably angry and I’m sorry you’re suffering, too. It is unfair, disgusting, and downright dirty of those people to do that, and it makes me so fucking upset. (And, for me personally, I’m a bit mad at myself bc I almost chose to go to the Nashville show, but I didn’t want to bc I would’ve stayed with family friends and would’ve been way too embarrassed since the kids my age would probably know who dnp are. But no, I chose St. Louis, and I possibly could’ve gotten VIP at Nashville. Hate myself lol)

It is unlikely this was the only venue where this happened, but I know for goddamn sure it wasn’t very common; most venues had their sales go along peachy keen! And I regret to say that it’s hard for me to go on tumblr seeing all these people who got VIPs when I worked so hard to get them and they were so unfairly taken away. (I want to be happy for these people, and for the most part I am, but I feel like I’ve got the right to be upset/jealous.)

Because it wasn’t that other dnp fans beat me to the tickets, no, it was stupid capitalist jerks profiting off people who just want to have a good fucking time, yknow?

Anyway, this kinda turned into a super long rant, but I understand exactly where you’re coming from and am here if you want to talk/rant more about it.

Time to wake up.

Well, the fasting month has started officially today. I wanted to fast, but my period had other plans. I'm actually gonna try and be good this month. A lot of people are pretty surprised to hear me say that, but hey; I'm not that much of a piece of shit. At least, not anymore, yknow? I've been doing absolutely nothing interesting with my life lately. It's just school then back home. That's all. Maybe occasionally a little drink by myself, Just to calm down, get my shit together... and that's pretty much all I do. But since it's Ramadhan, gonna abstain from that for this month at least. It's gonna be a challenge for me, but cmon. I can do this! I don't know who even reads my blog, honestly. But to those of you reading right now, I thank you. For actually taking time out of your busy day to just see what kind of nonsensical bullshit I put here. You're sweet. I mean, my tumblr is pretty much full of memes, rants, YouTube gamers, and just kind of like my journal, in a way. It's pretty weird, but i honestly find it strangely comforting to know that I can let out my emotions and anxiety here. Very few people actually know who I truly am. I'm very closed up, some might say even stuck up. However, there's a reason why I'm like this. All the shit that I've gone through, and seen, it has made me the way I am. I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy about my experiences. In a way, it has made me street-smart. I know who to avoid, who to be nice to, who to flip off and who to leave be. That's the good part of it all, and yes, I do take the positive experiences out of that burning pile of dogshit, but 80% of it still has me traumatized to this very day. I still lay awake at night sometimes, just scrolling through my social media sites, or watching some stuff on YouTube, and then it just suddenly hits me. All the memories. All the pain. All the fear. I start to lose sense of who I am in that very moment. And that is when I will get dressed, and go somewhere to be alone. Anywhere. Just to feel alive again, you know? Just to look at the night sky. This happens more than I'd like to admit, to be completely honest. I just run off, get a beer or something, and sit down. With music and cigarettes being my only solace and source of comfort nowadays. It's scary how everything changes so fast. Just 2 years ago, I had no future. I was bumming around, with other people like me, doing ridiculous things, not giving a fuck about my life, getting into uneccesary trouble... now I feel like I'm a totally different person. Don't get me wrong though. I don't mean different in a sense that I've changed completely. I still havent, in some ways at least. I'm still a headstrong, impulsive, anxiety ridden brat, but a smarter one at least. I still think of the things I've done. The good, the bad... And I wonder if anyone else is going through the exact same situation I went through 2.5 years ago. I wonder if there's any way I can help them, reach out to them in some way... I mean, I know it's practically impossible, but I just wonder: If someone had been there to hold my hand and tell me the things I needed to hear, I probably wouldn't have gone through all those life-threatening situations. I probably would have completed school by now, and even gotten a proper job. I wouldn't have been alone and afraid. I would have been normal. I would still have some ounce of faith in humanity. I would still have my pride, my dignity... I would still be healthy, in a sense. I wouldn't be on anti-depressants and mood controllers. I would be just... normal. But I don't know what normal is anymore, honestly. I don't have any faith in anyone. I don't trust anyone. I'm scared. I think that's why I am incapable of loving someone, or being loved in return. I can't imagine putting someone through all my pain. It would be unfair to him or her. They are better off without me, which is why I always end up pushing them away. Then of course, they'll turn around and say I'm crazy. That I overreact. I'm insecure. I'm needy. I always need attention. I'm this, I'm that... etc. I don't blame them. In fact, I'm sorry they had to even meet me in the first place and be exposed to the pathetic human being that I am. I'm sorry. I'll never be good for anyone, and I've learnt to accept that.

So here I am again, ranting about how stupid I am. Nothing’s new, IKR? I just can’t help it. Been crying my eyes out for how many weeks now. Been thinking a lot of things. Schools, acads, these and that. Well, actually, I am blogging rn,cause something happened this morning. 

Yknow, I been writing about this guy. Well, he’s the reason why I made this account. I don’t have someone who’s willing to listen into my stupid problems (well, it should have been him, but he’s not a good listener) and he’s the main reason of all my heartaches and pain. I have friends, yes! But they all annoyed in my stories, cause it’s like a cycle. He cheat/do stupid things, I’ll confront him, we’ll fight, he’ll break up with me, I’ll beg him to stay with me and it happens all over again.

Last last month I guess, I found out that he’s cheating on me for almost a year? I dunno. But all I know now is all those three years we had, is cheating and bullshits. Amazing right? I asked him about that, but he lied into my face. And then, I found more evidence, and asked him again and there, we had a huge fight. It lasted for almost an hour or two but it ended up me, begging him again. Dafuq is wrong with me?!

And then, earlier this morning.I found out that he talked again with that girl, I asked him and turn out to be a fight again. As usual, he broke up with me again, I asked him why, and he told me that he just can’t stand my attitude. Like WTF man! You’ve broke me, again and again, then expecting me to be the same Elle. Like what other’s say, pain changes people. I suffered so much pain that I dunno who I am anymore. So I told him that, and keep  insisting that we have to break up. And then, I finally gave up. I can’t breathe that time anymore, I can’t see clearly because of the tears. So I said that he can do whatever he want too. And  then he said sorry. And just that, I give in. I don’t know what really wrong with me, I know I want to break up too, but after hearing him say sorry, I just give in that easy. Hay.

I’m thinking rn that I’m wrong again. That it’s a mistake to take him back again. I thinking that he can cheat with me again, whenever he likes to, and I’m stupid to let him hurt me again. This things bothering me so I just write it down. At least, I have something to talk to.