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anghraine · 1 year

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Another form of Depression Discourse that I'm extremely wary of is "here are some things that can help with depression, so it's totally curable! You just have to do The Things, even if they're hard."

The issue is that—yes, there are things you may be able to do that can help with depression, for some people. There are habits that are likely to be helpful, like dragging yourself to things you normally like or getting exercise where possible.

Does this mean that those things intrinsically cure depression if you just pull yourself up by your bootstraps try hard enough? No. They can cure some people's depression completely. They can help other people's. It depends on the person.

But for me, the incessant do this, do that, you've got to take responsibility and get over it, has always been far more discouraging than learning about things like the relatively high rate of recurrence. I used to think that the reason I couldn't get past it was wholly on me. It kept coming back because I was lazy or undisciplined or self-indulgent or simply not doing the right things for whatever reason. Not trying hard enough. I told myself that if I could just summon up enough will to push myself past it, I would cure myself by sheer personal strength.

But I never could.

It tended to come back worse when I was under a lot of pressure, but no matter how good things were, it always returned. I'd spend a week or two feeling really good and motivated and energetic, then irritable and anxiously go-go-go yet very distractable—and then there'd be this awful crash into another episode of depression, over and over and over. I lived in my favorite city, I took walks, I went to readings, I volunteered, I kept myself and my apartment clean, and yet I couldn't overcome it.

The only thing that really put a significant dent in it was getting diagnosed as bipolar and put on mood stabilizers and eventually antipsychotics. And it still comes back! The crash is less extreme, most of the time—but I have grad student insurance for my medication, I have a psychiatrist and access to counseling when I need it, legal accommodations, and necessarily keep a fairly strict schedule. Going to my university in person rather than online helps, doing things I ordinarily like helps, sleeping regular hours helps. None of them help very much without medication. And for me, nothing helps enough to cure it.

The point is not that improvement is impossible, or that it never goes away for good. It does for some people! It does for many people. But, without denying the effort those people have put in, there is an element of good fortune to that. I think it's important for the people who aren't cured, who can never pull the bootstraps hard enough, to know that that's not a moral failing. It's not because we're weak or undisciplined, it's not because we aren't trying, it's not because we have any less value or merit than the people who get better or people who never have depression at all.

So, personally, I think a more important, generally accurate, and compassionate message than "depression will get better if you just try hard enough" is this one:

Whether you're cured or not, whether the usual recommendations help much or not, whether medications help or not: this isn't your fault.

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hillnerd · 7 years

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Taking a Shallow Breath- Ch 1

Ships: Rose/Scorpius, canon and others | Fanfiction.net link

Summary: It's the day of the wedding, and Scorpius is getting panicked. Sometimes people just need to take a breath, grow a pair, and get married to the one you love- despite all the hitches along the way.

Romance friendship comedy family & drama

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Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 4

Author’s note: So I started this forever ago and started working on it again. I’m going to start posting it and other fics/drabbles I’ve done on here. :)

Scorpius took a shallow breath as the music began to play. What would normally be a cheerful throng seemed more like the screams of a banshee as the organist played with eloquence. Was he the only one hearing a distant screaming noise? Everything felt wrong as Rose walked down the aisle. She was more beautiful than ever, which made him blanch.

She was holding a bouquet of blue hydrangeas which almost perfectly matched her own blue eyes. He wanted to kick himself for helping her pick them out. He had sat beside her as they picked out flowers, chose where the wedding would be, picked the music, brought in his own mother to help with choosing the bridesmaids dresses. In truth, he had only volunteered so he'd have a chance to smell her hair as she enthusiastically flipped through brochures, and watch her eyes twinkle as she found 'the one' of everything from place cards, to the ridiculous canapés. It was his fault she looked so happy, and everything was going to go perfectly. He gave an irritated cough.

She had decided to do something alluring with her hair he hadn't foreseen. There was an enticing tendril of red hair gently touching her pale neck.

"Oh God," he heard himself mutter through gritted teeth. "I can't do this."

Al surreptitiously shot him a perturbed look.

"Of course you can!" He managed to say this without moving his lips.

Scorpius felt his face paling as cold sweat trailed down his back. He gave a quick shake of his head. Luckily everyone seemed oblivious to his turmoil, save the ever supportive Al.

Albus smiled as Rose and her father were yards away from the altar. Scorpius couldn't do more than swallow, and give a glance to his best friend. He looked calm, as if Scorpius wasn't about to throw everything into upheaval and make the whole Weasley-Potter clan hate him, yet Al was perfectly at ease with this prospect. He had been the one to encourage this course of action in the first place.

"There's no way I can stop this wedding… Rose will never forgive me, and your Uncle will kill me." Scorpius' hair was askew from all the times he had frantically clenched it in his fists.

"Just wait for the priest to say 'speak now or forever hold your peace,' and then say something. Hell, you can grunt and throw things and people will get the point," Al said with a grin Scorpius couldn't reciprocate.

"I shouldn't have waited til today… I should have told her months ago…"

"Well, you didn't, and now it's a bit late. She'll understand… you know… eventually. Though I think you'll have most of the congregation to worry about more than Rose."

"But on the wedding day? This isludicrous… People never speak when the priest says that. They know better! They have weddings interrupted-"

"You mean called off-"

"-called off before the actual wedding day. I could have talked this out right after the engagement."

"Or maybe even before it," Al added, crossing his arms.

"She was so happy… I just wanted her to stay that way."

"She won't be happy in the long run if that wedding goes as planned and she's married to a wanker who could never really love her fully."

Rose had reached the altar with her father, who seemed unable to fully let go of her arm, until she gave his side a prod. Abashed, Mr. Weasley let go of his only daughter's arm and went to his place next to his wife, who was giving him a look that promised a dispute later. She had no idea she'd be busy trying to kill Scorpius later.

The tiny priest walked up the soon-to-be-wed couple, and spread his arms wide.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today…"

Somehow the sound had cut out, but no one seemed to notice other than Scorpius. His eyes frantically darted between the priest, Rose, her parents, and the ceiling. He'd never been overtly religious, but he felt himself praying someone strike him down with a lightning bolt to end his torment. Rose gave him a warm smile, which made his sense of guilt mature into full-fledged self-hate. Scorpius felt his chest constrict. His breath come out in a wheeze. Al gave him a worried look.

"Should there be anyone who has cause why this couple should not be united in marriage, they must speak now or forever hold their peace."

He couldn't make a noise as the priest allowed for a brief perfunctory pause. Al gave him a nudge, but no sound would come out of his mouth. The priest gestured to continue the ceremony, when Scorpius felt a burgeoning cough building in his lungs and gasped. He willed himself to say something, but instead a fit of wheezing coughs came out.

"Are you ok?" he heard Al whisper.

Rose, looking pale and pristine, gave him a look of concern, as did a number of people. He had to keep them from getting wed with something other than a cough, but before he could manage one syllable, he gave a heaving gasp, as everything suddenly went black as he fell into oblivion.

"-and I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Oh! You're awake!"

"W- what?"

He was lying on a lumpy mattress with scratchy white sheets. The large darkened room had a solitary lamp giving of a faint orangey glow, while a clock chimed noon. The shuttered windows made what could have been an airy room, stuffy. How he had gotten here, he wasn't sure. The last thing he remembered was-

"The wedding!" he said, trying to sit up, but a pair of small, forceful hands pushed him down.

"Lay back down, Scorpius."

He looked over to see Lily and Al standing over him.

"What happened?" he asked from his prone position.

"You flummoxed it up," said Al without much sympathy.

"He didn't flummox anything up," Lily said, giving Al a painful swat. "You had an asthma attack and passed out. Apparently you are very allergic to something in the chapel."

"It was probably those stupid flower arrangements next to each pew," Al added.

"Where are we?"

"St Mungo's."

"It's a good thing Lily's a Healer. Otherwise we might have been attending your funeral later this week."

"We would have saved on floral arrangements by just recycling the ones that offed him," Lily said with a smile. "That would have been terribly ironic."

"Where's Rose?" Scorpius suddenly asked.

"Getting herself some tea."

"They didn't go on with it?" Scorpius couldn't keep himself from beaming.

"Of course not. 'I can't get married without my best friends here,' she said." Al gave a fairly good impression of Rose, perfectly miming the way she exaggeratedly flapped her arms when she was upset. "Her git of a fiancé tried to talk her into going through it without us, saying how much it would cost, how it'd inconvenience everyone, and how their timed Portkeys took forever to arrange and were non-refundable."

"Brandon is not a git," Lily said in a well-practiced way.

"Of course he's a git," Albus added with finality. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Anyways, she said it didn't matter what inconvenience it would be, and followed us to the hospital in her wedding dress. Left Brandon to deal with the guests and took the Floo here. She's been by your bed for the last few hours, covered in soot, and looking a fright."

"Gee, thanks, Lily,” came a voice.

Rose was standing in the doorway. She was precariously holding a cup of tea in one hand, and the sooty mass of her wedding train in another. As she trudged up to Scorpius' bed, and threw herself into the seat beside it, her hair was falling into its usual wild fashion of red curls, making his palms sweat.

"Are you doing all right?"

With her sitting so closely, he wasn't sure.

"He's fine," Lily answered for him.

"Good," Rose said, letting out a breath of air.

"You owe me almost a thousand galleons for all the food, flowers, venue and Portkeys, Scorpius," she said, before taking a loud sip of tea, her expression stoic.

"You don't think your fiance can pay for it?" Scorpius said with a short laugh.

"Oh, he can. But you're the one who stalled it by being a pansy."

She had a mischievous twitch of a smirk curling her lips.

"A pansy?"

"Yes."

"Well, then I'll make it up to you," he replied with as much bravado Lily would allow him. She gave a stern Healer's stare from where she stood.

"Oh, I know you'll make it up to me. You're going to help me with the organizing of my wedding again, only this time, you're footing the bill for it," giving him a fond smile Scorpius knew she only used with him. His mind suddenly went whirring into the wonderful thought of helping her with a wedding, only this time with him as the groom.

"And we only have five days to pull it off."

She tried and failed to blow a curl out of her face, as both hands were preoccupied with the tea and yards of once white fabric threatening to spill onto his bed. Considering how sooty her dress was, he wasn't sure which held the greater menace.

It took a moment to register she still was going to get married to Brandon Bradley. She didn't even call him by his first name. She had made a nickname of his last name. Who marries someone when they aren't on a first name basis?

"So, five days to marry Brad, is it?" The name stuck in the back of his throat like a hunk of sanitized gauze.

"That's the longest we can put off the wedding with Brad's family having to go back to Scotland, France, and everywhere else they're from."

She unsuccessfully tried to move the curl on her furrowed brown with the inside of her arm. Before he could stop himself Scorpius held up a hand and pushed the hair behind her ear. His stomach flipped. Did she notice how his hand lingered there a bit longer than it should?

"Look," he began, hoping his all-business tone would make her stay oblivious. "We can't pull off a giant wedding in that amount of time."

"We have to!" Rose exclaimed, throwing her hands up in frustration as best she could. "Scorpius, you're my best friend. If you were a girl, you would have been the maid of honour. Now, the maid of honour is supposed to help with the plans-"

"I'm not feeling very maid-ish right now. It's an impossible task. We can't-"

"Of course we can!" Al interrupted, speaking up for the first time since Rose had entered the room. A terribly gleeful smile lit his face. What was he playing at?

"But-" Scorpius said, giving him a dubious look, "five days just isn't enough time to do it."

"Five days will be perfect,” Al said, grabbing the tea from Rose’s hand and setting it on the floor. "But first, our bride-to-be needs to go and get on some normal clothes,"

"Al, what-?" Rose protested as he wrenched her out of the chair, pushing her towards the door.

"Seriously, giant lint balls are of no use planning a wedding. Now go put on some clothes, comfort Bert-"

"Brad," she protested.

"That's it. Comfort old what's-his-name, then meet us up at my place for wedding plans around two. We'll have food and everything. There we go!" he said, before firmly shutting the door.

"Fine, but it had better be Indian food," she called through the door.

They listened to her footsteps going down the hall, her dress getting caught on a gurney and ripping, and Rose cursing as only the spawn of Ron Weasley could, before Lily exclaimed:

"What was that?"

"Ok, so we all know you love Rose, right?" Al’s disturbing grin hadn't left his face.

Lily looked on aghast.

"Wait, you love-"

"Well, now 'we all' know," Scorpius muttered, as Lily stared at them with wide eyes.

"Whatever," Al said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "It's just Lily. So! You help her plan the wedding."

"Yeah… Your point being…"

"Don't you get it? You'll be spending all this time with her, only this time, you take a shallow breath, grow a pair, seduce her, and then celebrate YOUR wedding! It's the perfect plan!"

Al gave them a moment to let the sheer brilliance sink in.

"That is the stupidest plan I've ever heard," Lily said with the bluntness of a bludger.

"Well what do you suggest, Lilibeast? Let me guess, 'tell her how you feel.'"

"Well, yes! And don't call me Lilibeast."

"Or, at the best, you can get the wedding called off by one of them. Doesn't matter who, as long as they don't want to get married."

"Al, that is the most... Gryffindor plan I've ever heard," Scorpius said with a shake of his head.

"It's brilliant, I know it."

"No. It's Gryffindor stupid, Al," Lily said, crossing her arms.

"Oh, come on! It'll work. We just need to help him!"

"You think this plan is insensate enough to function?" asked Scorpius with a short laugh.

"Well, I don't know what insensate means, but yeah. It'll function."

"Insensate means stupid, Al. This 'plan' is stupid," Lily added.

"Yeah, but it's stupid enough to work."

"Well, it won't work without me helping," said Lily, a determined look on her face. "Scorpius is going to need all the help his pale little self can get."

"So, what do you say, Scorpius? You going to go and win back the love of your life?"

Albus and Lily turned to him with inquisitive gazes.

"Er… yeah."

"With conviction like that he's sure to win her over," said Al flatly. "Don't bite my arm off with the enthusiasm, already. With us on your side, we can't fail!"

"That's right," said Lily in a prospective bracing manner. It fell flat as her smile couldn't seem to lift all the way at the corners of her mouth, but somehow Scorpius felt a bit bolstered. "You can't fail."

"If that Berthold character marries her, I'll just have to kill you. So what will it be? Death, or Rosie?"

"Rose," said Scorpius, though death looked to be the easier task to undertake.

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#Rose/Scorpius #Scorpius/Rose #Rose Weasley #Scorpius Malfoy #Albus Potter #harry potter #next generation #romance #friendship #comedy #family #drama #fanfiction #fanfic #wip #Taking a Shallow breath

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