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catherdrashepard · 3 years

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Darrow is Not Going to Die at the End of the Series Part 3

The more I think about all this, the less fandoms I plan on talking about because otherwise there will be like 50 parts instead of 4. For this one, I’m still not done talking about video games. BUT THIS TIME, I will be focusing on Persona 3 and Persona 5 (I’m sorry Persona 4, your narrative doesn’t quite fit the argument.) Spoilers ahead for Persona 3, Persona 5, and Dark Age.

As you all know by now, or at least you should, I am a slut for Atlus. Any games they release I’m interested in and 9/10 I will want to play them. So, it only makes sense that I would bring it up in a post about Darrow not dying. Again though, I’d like to point out that creating an ending for a video game is going to be different due to the fact that it’s reliant on the player.

Anyway, Persona 3. The game focuses on a group of high school students who enter a secret time of night in between midnight and 12:01, called the Dark Hour. Their school transforms into a towering labyrinth that they have to fight through to find out more information about the Dark Hour. They also have to fight large monsters who represent the 12 Major Arcana and, when they all have been defeated, they then have to defeat Nyx. The player has two options before the final fight. If they kill Ryoji, who is the harbinger or Nyx, the end of the world (called The Fall in game) is postponed and everyone forgets everything that happened. We don’t get to see it, but it’s implied that The Fall will still happen, and everyone will die. They just won’t be aware that it’s a thing at all. This is the Bad Ending.

The Good Ending is if you choose to spare Ryoji and when he becomes Nyx, you fight her. Which, btw, is really long because she revive several times. After that, the protagonist has to face Nyx solo and is able to defeat her with the help of their party and all of the other social link the player established throughout the game. The way Nyx causes the end of the world is by combining with Erebus, and so the protagonist uses his own life force to seal Nyx away to prevent this. In the epilogue of the game, called The Answer, this is explained in more detail about why The Fall happens and what exactly the protagonist has done to protect everyone. You play as one of your former party members in this epilogue because at the end of the original story (called The Question), the protagonist is essentially dead, although I think the actual description is that he’s permanently in a coma.

This is where it relates to RR and Darrow. It’s a little different from Mass Effect because the player actually does get to witness what happens after the original game ends and the protagonist is dead. (The Answer takes place during a time loop though so we only get so see how the former party members are doing and not Japan as a whole). This is particularly interesting to me as there aren’t many games I can think of that shows the consequences of the main character dying (permanently) by giving you more playable content. In fact, Persona 3 is the ONLY game I can think of that does something like that. Also, to detour back to Mass Effect, Persona 3 (and 5) also have the same technology issue going on. No one can replicate the big bad so once it’s gone, that’s it. BUT, with the inclusion of the epilogue, it’s possible that there are still things that can be done in the Persona 3 universe, and the protagonist isn’t entirely necessary.

To play devil’s advocate for a second, if Pierce DID decide to kill Darrow, I think it would make the most sense for it to be something like what happened in Persona 3. Darrow would have to finish off the biggest threat (kind of up in the air who it will be by the 6th book), and give his life to do it. This would have to be done before the end of the 6th book, which would continue the story with someone else in Darrow’s circle. Or, if Pierce chooses to kill of Darrow at the end, there would need to be at least one more book detailing the recovery efforts of the rest of his group. I mean, he could do something like Hunger Games (goodness knows there’s plenty of comparisons) where there’s a short epilogue but the difference in that is that Katniss was alive in her epilogue. RR isn’t a video game, so some of the story elements don’t necessarily apply, but it feels wrong somehow to have Darrow just be dead. Especially because every death so far has had some kind of impact to the story.

To continue the Persona thoughts, I wanted to bring up Persona 5. This one is a little bit different because the main character doesn’t die in the end, but there is a considerable sacrifice. Also, I would say the plot of Persona 5 is more similar to RR than Mass Effect or Persona 3 are. In Persona 5, the main characters fight corrupt individuals inside their own minds and change distorted perceptions they have of themselves and the world around them. They usually do this by stealing a “treasure” which ends up being the source of the distorted perception. Now that I think about it, Lysander reminds me a bit of a Persona 5 villain.....which is probably something I’ll put in another Lysander post.

What makes me think of RR is that the main problem lies in the powers at be being corrupt and taking advantage of those they perceive as inferior in some way. This point is especially obvious during the last Palace in Persona 5 (not counting the extra semester in P5 Royal). BUT ALSO in Persona 5, the final boss is called Yaldabaoth, who is the God of Control. It’s another saving the world kind of deal, but your goal is to change the hearts of the general public. Based on the lead-up to this battle, I got the impression that you end up trying to restore the free-will of the people. But the cost ends up being your ability to summon Personas and continue making the same changes you had been. You sacrifice a part of yourself and make the changes the responsibility of the people who should have been responsible in the first place.

I suppose, again, I’m arguing for Darrow dying at the end but....I could see something like this being an end to RR. Where the defeat of the corrupt system requires a huge sacrifice by Darrow. Of course, his life could be considered for that, and I honestly wouldn’t have any idea of another sacrifice that could count, other than his loved ones. BUT, Darrow has already lost so much to this war he is fighting so it could be argued that he has already sacrificed enough to justify a Persona 5-esque ending. Just think of all the trauma, and all strained relationships, and the death of so many of his friends. Also, to bring back the technology argument, once the P5 protagonists defeat Yaldabaoth, that’s it. It’s implied that he can’t come back and cause the same problems. Whereas in RR, the Society has the possibility to return and cause conflict once again.

This last point in particular will be brought up again in Part 4 when I discuss Voltron: Legendary Defender, and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power.

#iron gold trilogy #dark age spoilers #darrow of lykos

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bestworstcase · 3 years

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honestly like. the appeal of cassunzel for me is that it isn’t meant to be; here’s cassandra, the servant, mired in self-hatred and trauma she can’t even articulate because she buried most of it so deep she can’t even remember it, and there’s rapunzel, the princess, mired in trauma and hopelessly inexperienced as she meets the world for the first time… and cassandra builds her walls high but rapunzel tears them down faster than cass can build them back up and it hurts but it feels good, too, because cassandra isn’t used to being wanted. she’s never been chosen for anything before, she’s never had someone so intent on peeling back the layers of what she can do to find out who she is. my gooodness of course cassandra falls head over heels: who wouldn’t, in her situation? lonely and craving respect, craving trust, craving admiration, craving love, and never getting it until rapunzel claws her way past cassandra’s caution to give it to her whether she likes it or not.

but… that cuts both ways, doesn’t it? their whole friendship is built upon transgression of cassandra’s boundaries, upon rapunzel taking what she wants because she wants it and because cass will relent in the end; she always does. rapunzel loves cass so fiercely and so selfishly that she erodes away every line cassandra tries to draw until there’s nothing left but i am going to be queen someday and i am going to make decisions and i need you to be okay with that. until it’s cass sitting on a boulder apologizing while rapunzel holds the hand that she mutilated and makes cass responsible for swallowing any anger, any hurt she feels about that, because she is rapunzel’s servant first, and her friend second, and rapunzel always gets what she wants.

and still! still, beneath all the resentment and rage and pain, cassandra loves her so much. so she takes the moonstone and she listens to zhan tiri but still, she wavers again and again and she wants so badly to believe that she’s wrong about rapunzel that in her mother’s house she lets her guard down again and in corona while the rest of the kingdom screams and attacks her, she listens when rapunzel asks her to stand down. she loves rapunzel, and when she’s stripped of her power and her anger and reduced to nothing again that love flows to the surface again. she gives the shard of the moonstone to rapunzel. she surrenders. she concedes. she DIES to help fix the mess she made in the depths of her anger and pain…

…and then she leaves.

she can’t stay in corona—not as punishment for her wrong doing, but because letting go of violence and vengeance doesn’t mean the anger or the resentment or the hurt is gone, it doesn’t mean it’s all better, it doesn’t mean that corona isn’t a cage where she will never, ever be allowed to exist as herself; as cassandra, just cassandra, not rapunzel’s servant or friend.

rapunzel wants her to stay but it finally isn’t rapunzel’s decision. cassandra is leaving with her blessing or without it, because cassandra deserves to escape the toxic spiral of their friendship. (and rapunzel lets her go, in the end, which perhaps opens the door to a recovery in the future, but… that is a long ways out, i think.)

i just !!! for all its flaws and for all that it failed to portray rapunzel deeply reckoning with her treatment of cass, tts as a narrative nonetheless sympathizes with cassandra’s anger and validates her pain, and when she lets go of vengeance and moves to simply remove herself from an untenable, broken friendship, she is rewarded for that with the autonomy she needed all along. the cure for what ails cassandra isn’t love, romantic or otherwise. she can’t love rapunzel enough to make the way rapunzel treats her okay. her feelings for rapunzel were and are real and true and deep and lasting, but they don’t stop her from leaving, from putting herself first and doing what’s right for her in the end. no more self-sacrifice. no more accepting not being allowed boundaries as the price she pays to be loved. no more servitude to the woman she loves.

like… i was never especially invested in cassunzel as a requited relationship. but an important relationship for cass, one that changes her life multiple times over, one that nearly destroys her because she tries so HARD to make it work even as it becomes increasingly dysfunctional and toxic, one she drags herself out of and learns from, one that she leaves behind in order to live for herself instead of for someone else? one she can, perhaps, revisit years down the line after she’s healed, if and only if she wants to? oh yes. that is a narrative i can get behind.

#rta #*chefs kiss* it’s about the CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

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dgcatanisiri · 3 years

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I have historically shied away from using the word, because it always feels like an overreaction, because, hey, I can power through, and it’s not a big deal, it’s not like we’re talking about something that genuinely makes me relive any actual trauma, right?

But... I think about the physical response I have, the depths that my anger and frustration go to, which I can often admit can hit excessive at times... I start thinking that it’s accurate to say that Liara is a trigger for bodily autonomy for me.

Like... Peebee and Cora both suffer from a lot of the same issues that Liara does in terms of focus, but neither of them draw the same sense of ire from me. They both have attention in the narrative that reaches excessive (particularly at the expense of other characters) - someone timed their character/romance content, and the two of them had the most in the game, while Gil (my preferred romance of my options) had the least. Peebee’s introduction is sitting on Ryder, while there’s the come on with her in the escape pod that I would legitimately refuse to even get in before it happens. Cora is... Well, I’ve been over how I don’t think she should have been a romance option at all because it just muddies her character arc.

And yet neither of them elicit the same kind of frustration I get with Liara.

Because with Liara... It is mandatory that we meld with her in ME1, multiple times. And if you even try to duck out of it, she badgers Shepard into it. The meld is explicitly said to be a part of the asari reproductive process, so we have Liara effectively coercing Shepard into having sex with her, and in front of others. Potentially multiple times.

Like... I’ve been public about how the big reason I don’t care for Bull’s romance is the fact that, being asexual, being specifically a sex-averse asexual, bondage is catapulting over my line at mach three. So what is effectively what amounts to public sex that has been coerced? Same damn thing.

Except the narrative thinks it’s fine. Hell, going off the damn Genesis comics, Shepard is supposed to LIKE it (which... NO, and fuck you BioWare).

The meld in general is deeply uncomfortable for me, considering that I honestly wouldn’t mind meld with people I consider close enough to be family, blood or not. And yet it’s mandated that Shepard do this with someone who is, in essence, a total stranger. Multiple times. In front of several people.

And then there’s the recovery of Shepard’s body. Which she sets off to do, wholly on her own, without even telling any of Shepard’s other friends. And proceeds to do so, only to hand it off to Cerberus, so they can perform their Frankensteinian mad science to bring Shepard back.

All because, and I’m using her words here, she “couldn’t let [Shepard] go.”

SHE decides what is to be done with Shepard. For HER. No care or consideration of what their wishes would be, she does it because she doesn’t want Shepard to be gone. Not even that she believes Shepard is the best chance for the galaxy, but because SHE wants Shepard alive. Uncharitably, but it comes across like saving Shepard is a choice she makes in the hopes that they will proceed to hold her close, declare their undying love for her, and they can run off into the sunset with a horde of blue babies at their side.

And the narrative again sees nothing wrong with it. In fact, it rewards her for it - she’s the only reunion in ME2 that results in a hug, no matter relationship status. She’s a stationary reunion we can have at any time, unlike Ashley/Kaidan, who get just a brief cameo. The one response that even approaches being upset about this act focuses only on the fact that she kept her involvement from Shepard, not what she had done specifically, and not just loops back around to the friendly “let me know if I can help” exit line, but also is “bugged” to not be accessible unless you take it the first time it appears. She gets a DLC that features her and Shepard running around and bickering like an old married couple. She joins back up with the Normandy and is immediately treated as Shepard’s XO. Multiple points in ME3 feature her as the person who Shepard can unburden themselves to - the ONLY person they can unburden themselves to. If you don’t take the opportunities to do so with her, there is no answer or equivalent with any other character.

Yes, obviously, we’re talking game mechanics and production costs with creating multiple branching conversations. I understand the real world rationale for these decisions. It does not change the fact that it still pushes this character who crosses my boundary lines into the spotlight.

Like... I have seen the negative consequences of someone making a choice for themselves because they couldn’t let someone they loved go. And while it obviously worked out fine in the games, worked out for the best in the case of Shepard, I saw the negative side effects of the idea of keeping someone alive for the sake of that .0001% that they’ll recover. The reality of the 99.9999% chance that they don’t recover and spend the rest of their lives in a situation that I classify as more a living death than anything else.

And yet the narrative only rewards Liara for her selfishness. Not once does anything in the writing stop to consider that anyone could view her actions as having been done for selfish reasons that came at Shepard’s expense, at the expense of whatever Shepard may have wanted - again, yeah, maybe it turned out for the best in terms of the galactic situation, but that doesn’t mean that it was RIGHT for her to do this. A positive result does not change the selfish motivations that led to the act being done.

Miranda, at least, calls out her hypocrisy of wanting to put a control chip in Shepard’s head after her father spent his life trying to control her. It’s part of Miranda’s character arc that she viewed rebuilding Shepard as a project, more her molding a work of art rather than a medical procedure on another person. But Liara... She just takes responsibility for consenting to this and no one ever asks “hey, Shepard, how do YOU feel about this friend of yours giving the go ahead on resurrecting you in defiance of all known science and nature?”

And all this... I wouldn’t mind it so much if we could just CALL OUT Liara’s actions. If the narrative would properly acknowledge “hey... this was kinda fucked up that she went after Shepard’s body like this wholly on her own, and then gave the go ahead to resurrect them for the chance to get them back,” I’d be a lot more okay with Liara. I still would keep her at arm’s length, but I’d feel like the game wasn’t gaslighting me, telling me that her actions are only to be rewarded, what’s your problem with her, here, we’re gonna immerse you in Liara content and help you get past these silly “issues” you have.

So, yeah. I have spent years trying to avoid using the word, given how loaded a term it’s become with how dismissive people have approached it, but... It is a trigger for me. Liara, as a character, triggers issues of bodily autonomy for me. She makes a choice for Shepard that is based on what SHE wants, not Shepard, and the narrative proceeds to reward her and frame her decisions and her actions as right and proper.

So for her to be the big reveal of the first trailer for the next Mass Effect is... NOT something I celebrate.

#dg rants #dg's problem with the liaramance #liara critical #dg plays mass effect

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pebblysand · 3 years

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It’s me again! You gave such a thorough reply that I wanted to first say thank you and second elaborate on devastating and maybe also expound on why i love castles so much.

So honestly what i most appreciate in post-dh hp fanfics is the exploration of what happens after the war- particularly the trauma and healing process. I’ll be frank in that I’m probably projecting my own mental health issues but that’s neither here nor there.

Castles strikes me as particularly interesting and unique because it delves into Ginny’s trauma from the war as much as Harry’s. Very often in other post-dh fics we see that Ginny is the stable one, she is Harry’s anchor, they show her understanding and forgiving him without question. Which I understand and love but your fic sheds a new light on other possibilities. When I say devastating i mean the internal turmoil, the truth that recovery and healing and growth are agonizing processes. (This is me projecting again, that last three years have been A Lot). And i really appreciate that, personally and narratively. The ordeal of healing and healing alongside people you love and at the same time hurting and being hurt by those same people, and the harsh reality that none of this is linear is something that I just find so compelling in your writing.

Man that’s the most coherent I’ve been in a review in AGES - not just feral screaming. Needless to say, I am very very excited for your update and I will literally wait however long it takes, because you can’t rush genius.

Aw thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad this fic is resonating with you. This is going to be long, so buckle up under the cut.

Thanks again for what you've said, I truly appreciate it. Without blowing my own horn too much, I will say that castles does seem to "speak" in that way to a lot of people in terms of trauma and healing, which as a writer is immensely flattering. I think as authors, all we ever want to do (or at least all I've ever wanted to do) is to write things that are faithful to human emotions and human experiences (as Sally Rooney puts it, we want to write books about "people"). When we get that right that's honestly the most rewarding thing in the world.

To tell you the truth, though, I never really set out to write about that. To give you a little bit of backstory on Castles, it's a story that's been more of less brewing in my head since I was 14 years old, which is when DH came out. I remember sitting there at the end of it and even then I couldn't stop thinking about the 'what now?' question. Obviously there is the epilogue (and I will come back to that in a bit) but I always had a question mark drawn on the direct aftermath of the battle. I think most HP fans have their own little corner of obsession, right? Like, some people are obsessed with Marauders, some with Next-Gen, some with the Death Eater side of the fight. The Post-War world has always been mine.

I believe that the reason for that, as much as I hate to admit it, is that as humans, when something bad happens to us, we have a very easy way out: death. I'm obviously not trying to encourage anyone out here to kill themselves and if anyone who reads this is having thoughts along this line, please seek help, but the truth of the matter is that in the human experience, death is always a possibility. We could choose it, embrace it, and end our own suffering. Yet, like Harry at the end of DH, most of us don't. For the most part, we tend to hang onto to life. Because, truth be told, it's full and wonderful and deserves to be lived, despite the fact that, objectively speaking, it's bloody hard. And, as a writer, that's the space I want to be in. I want to understand and describe why we make that choice, every day, to get up and carry on, rather than giving up. I find that absolutely fascinating. I'm not a writer for the sensational stuff (some people do that much better than me), I want to write the quiet and the silence and the dirt and the blood that's dried and the grief and the powering through and the not giving up. To me, choosing life despite trauma is the epitome of bravery which, as a Gryffindor, is probably the character trait I value most in people.

Obviously, from a narrative perspective, this interest of mine lands itself to a post-war exploration very well. There's an old interview of JKR where she says she insisted on the epilogue being included at the end of book seven (even though she knew it was going to piss people off) because she wanted to show that they made it through. That, as I put it in Castles, 'They lived, for better or for worse.' And, in that interview, she talks more specifically about soldiers and PTSD, and says that 'getting over that kind of war, that's the hard part.' I remember watching that interview and thinking: yes, exactly. And, that's the thing about the epilogue. It's not so much about the content of it, the who-ends-up-with-who rather than the symbolism of it. It's not only about the fact that they fought in a war and won it, it's about the fact that they fought another war afterwards, a quiet one with the world they were trying to rebuild, along with rebuilding themselves, and they won that one, too. It's about showing that bravery isn't always this sparkling, flashy thing. It's also overcoming the silences and the grief and the struggles and making it to the other side.

And, so, yeah, I suppose that leads me to write about trauma. Although that isn't the initial endeavour, it's certainly part of it. And as you pointed out yourself, that road is full of ups and downs because "living" is fucking fantastic, but it's also fucking hard. I find the phrasing you used about Ginny typically being the "stable" one in other fics particularly interesting. I'd never thought about it that way, but I see what you mean. And, the thing with Castles is: none of them (and I mean H & G but also Ron, Hermione - hell even Kingsley) are particularly stable or unstable. To me, they just are. They exist and they live and they try to put one foot in front of the next the best way they can, with very little sense of plan or strategy. They sort of make do, which to me is the only realistic way I can envision the post-war world. They're kids who've just lived through the apocalypse. It's unrealistic to me that any of them would hold all of the answers, or even come close to having their shit together.

To me, it was and is very important to show all sides of that spectrum. Although they likely all wouldn't have suffered from acute PTSD, they would certainly all have struggled with something. Not everyone deals with everything the same way, and I want to show feelings of guilt, and bravery, and confusion, and fear, and determination which are all as unique as the individuals who experience them. I also wanted to show that not everything has a clear-cut explanation for it. For example, when Ginny breaks up with Harry in chap3, she says some truly horrible things. But, what she does say is also the one percent of everything that lies under the surface. She says she breaks up with him for Reason A but it's actually Reason A. 1, A.2, B, C, D, etc. Because, truth be told, that is what happens in life. People rarely give you a neat little list of all the reasons they do something, especially if, again, they've just lived through something huge. Often, you only truly find out the real reasons for people's actions months later, and often, that's because they themselves don't even know, haven't made sense of it in their heads. So, of course, I think it's incredibly important to write all of them as going through something, because to me anything else would be deeply unrealistic.

And, truth be told, I've thought about this extensively every time I've re-read the books in the past. Throughout the years, I started countless drafts on this topic, which I often gave up and left unfinished, until now. I think what motivated me this time is honestly the pandemic. I re-read the books during the first lockdown, then set out to find The Perfect Fanfiction which would deal with all of that. I'd never been in the Potter fandom before and thought to myself: 'there's like a million fics in that fandom, someone must have written this.' And, to this day, I still sort of believe that? Like, I've had a lot of comments in the past year telling me that they like or dislike Castles because it has a unique "tone" and a unique "mood" as well as themes but I'm always like "really? someone else must have written this," haha. But, despite spending a lot of time looking, I never found it so I suppose that's when I decided to write it, haha.

And, here we are, lol.

#am i trying to procrastinate writing by giving long answers?#maybe?

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lumilasi · 3 years

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I'm just curious what your thoughts on Shigaraki are. Im praying he gets control back. I would be so sad if the body take over is dragged out. It looks like they are going the save Tomura route which is great but my thought is that means we won't get him back till the end.. I swear if they have Eri rewind him 😤 I hope it's OK to ask you this, if not please ignore and accept my apologies and have a good day. ☀️🌞

Ha ha it’s alright! I don’t mind talking about my favorite character, and musing out my thoughts about what might happen. Of course, keep in mind this is just my thoughts/viewpoint, and I would never say anything I muse out about this is a fact; I’m not the writer after all. I’m just going over the story bits we already know and considering what could possibly be the story-direction we’re going towards!

(Also warning, this is probs gonna get a little long-winded because I have a lot of thoughts about this, and Tomura and Izuku’s stories are pretty tightly tied to the larger one at hand about the world they live in.)

To give you a short summary: I think Tomura might indeed stay possessed for a while, and perhaps Izuku could team up with his friends to help save him from this possession. I also don’t think Eri should be using her powers a whole lot right now in the story, given her trauma and age. She needs to heal herself first to avoid unintentionally causing more damage to her mental state. Trauma recovery takes time, often more than what we’ve seen so far in the manga.

And now for the long-winded explanation (under the cut so this post isn’t ridiculously long:)

So, considering the overall narration and themes Horikoshi has used in the manga, it feels reasonable to say that one of the end goals in all likeness is to “save” those the current society would not bother saving, including Tomura, and especially Tomura, considering his character and story kind of symbolizes the overall failures and problems of this society. His BG touches on so many bad things and problems wrong with the way their world runs currently.

(Apathy from people being over-reliant on heroes, lack of proper help for mental health, hero idol worship that makes people neglect their families over their duty as a hero, abusive parental figures, dehumanization, etc.)

Izuku’s main goal, the goal of his story after all, is to become the greatest hero as the beginning narration expressed. The most reasonable way to do that given the things we’ve been shown about this world, is to do something none of the current heroes would; save those deemed “unfit” to be saved. It’s not only something personally fitting to Izuku’s character, but holds larger symbolic meaning for the overall narrative. I actually saw somebody discuss this particular topic in a post a while back, that put it better than I ever could.

(click the link if you’re curious to read it, it’s a pretty interesting one)

Now, what that saving means in practice is likely going to be more complicated, since the people in question have done bad things that deserve consequences, and I won’t deny that.

However, one of the biggest issues is, that the way this society functions seems to kind of be the very source of these villains doing bad things. If only somebody would’ve bothered to pick up this scared kid walking on the street before AFO got to him, none of what is happening now would have happened. (or at least, it would’ve been someone else in worst case scenario)

So, to go back on what you actually asked about; I do think that in order to reach the goal Izuku was set, he does need to free Tomura from that possession, that’s probably the least he can and should do.

In that sense, it would honestly make sense it would happen close to the end of the story as the best way to symbolize Izuku becoming the greatest hero - saving even the person who everybody else likely deemed unworthy of saving.

Not to mention, I recall Horikoshi mentioning that he planned the ending to be something where heroes and villains have to team up to reach an end goal of sorts. Izuku teaming up with Tomura’s friends to save Tomura could fit into this concept.

As for Eri...her rewind powers are bit of a...yeah. I also have lot of thoughts about that so bear with me.

They’re pretty difficult from narrative perspective, because they come off very “deus ex machina” or “magical fix all” that removes any stakes, and I’ve seen from the fandom people wishing Eri to just magically fix everything each time somebody is horribly injured, which...that’s a tad disturbing to me? Asking this little traumatized girl who’s seen lot of horrid injuries and gore to view MORE of it potentially, to heal your favorites? Even if she’d want to do it willingly (which she probably would out of gratitude) she’s, what, six?

(yes I know this is fiction and I might be taking this a bit too seriously, but I am also looking at this from the narration point of view, and her doing these magic fixes would also actually be bad for the story narration IMO, I’ll explain below)

She’s just a child, she probably can’t really grasp yet what she can and can’t handle, when it comes to her trauma, and what is and isn’t good for her. Eri “magically fixing everything” is an absolute no from me, both for her own sake and from narration perspective.

Like I get it, anybody would be sad when their fave gets hurt, I am too, but Eri’s a traumatized child, and tbh having her magically fix everything at her current state would in my eyes go against the point the narrative is trying to make, about the need for change and doing things better from the previous generation. Her rewinding these “changes” in the story, as a traumatized kid, is basically holding up the status quo that is harmful. Using somebody’s remarkable power out of duty to do good while potentially ignoring the impact it can have on the individuals own well-being, which basically will hindrance their ability to do said good in the future.

I can let fixing Mirio’s quirk pass, because he wasn’t horrifically injured in a manner that could potentially trigger Eri’s traumas. It was still a tad risky in my eyes to make this kid do it, because even if she did train for it, what if things went horribly wrong and she made Mirio disappear? That would’ve just caused her unnecessary mental anguish. They basically got lucky there that Hori was kind enough to make it work.

I would not mind so much, if the person having this power wasn’t a traumatized kid basically, in a story that is about a flawed system and the harmful effects it has on the individuals living in it with the way it currently runs.

So personally, I don’t want to see Eri use her powers at this point in that manner. She’s still recovering herself and probably not mentally ready to handle these things. Once she’s in a mentally better place, older and more capable of understanding what is or isn’t good for her, then she can go ahead and rewind people’s lost limbs left and right and use her quirk as the next generation superhero healer. But not right now, not when she’s still just a kid with horrible trauma.

Plus, I feel her point in the story was less about her power, and more about her parallels with Tomura; she could’ve become like him if she hadn’t been saved, and in turn, Tenko could’ve been like her if he had been saved.

So, from narrative point of view, It feels likely (though I could be wrong of course) that Tomura will remain possessed for a while, and Izuku’s end goal (or one of them) is to save him from the possession, and perhaps they’ll work together to defeat AFO. This last part I’m not that sure about though, given we still don’t have all the puzzle pieces. There’s probably a lot more to be learned about AFO himself, that will have an impact on how the story goes. We’ll see.

So yeah. Sorry this is kind of long, but sometimes you need lot of text to properly convey your thoughts xD Plus I’m just kinda used to writing long pieces of text.

#my musings #answered ask #bnha tomura #shigaraki tomura #midoriya izuku #bnha izuku #mha izuku #manga spoilers

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sepublic · 4 years

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Infinity Train Tarot Deck!

The idea came to me while discussing the Infinity Train and the idea of crossroads, which reminded me of the Wheel of Fortune tarot card in the Major Arcana! And naturally… This made me imagine Major Arcana tarot cards, themed after Infinity Train!

The first thing we have is the Emperor and Hanged Man. Now in some stories, the Hanged Man IS the Emperor, after he’s essentially fallen or been overthrown; So it’s the Emperor’s ‘fall from grace’ (ba-dum tsss). So naturally… Simon Laurent is a PERFECT fit for this! That shot of him lying around on Grace’s throne with his new hair-down get-up is perfect for the Emperor Card, it’s him flaunting authority and royalty! As for the Hanged Man; It’s Simon hanging upside, clinging to the bottom of that bridge during the Season Finale… He’s doing the 4-shaped pose, with only one foot clinging to the bridge; The foot with the malfunctioning shoe, as the other one was used by Grace to fend off the Ghom. Simon, the Hanged Man, about to ‘fall from grace’, both in the literal and metaphorical sense…

Next, we have Wheel of Fortune. Naturally this fits the Infinity Train’s wheels… They’re kind of a big deal, as a means of killing denizens, usually; But they DID come close to killing off Simon and Grace, respectively! The wheels of the Infinity Train keep it going, as the Infinity Train itself represents a crossroads, as befitting the tarot card! This was the first tarot design I came up with, and if I ever had to draw/design it, I imagine a morbid reference to denizens getting wheeled is in order.

Next, we have the World! It’s about the finishing of a loop/cycle, before it begins anew, the end of a journey to start with a new one! Kind of like how Tulip ends Book 1 having finished her adventure on the Infinity Train, and is now heading to Osh Kosh with a new life and look in a sense! For this, I considered the ‘zero’ that a passenger ideally reaches, as it’s the end of their journey on the train, but the beginning of a new life after their ‘recovery’. Perhaps the zero can be fashioned like a globe? Alternatively, given the motif of loops/cycles, perhaps it can be an infinity symbol, comprised of the Infinity Train itself, with the wasteland as the background? Or it’s a passenger’s exit!

The Lovers is obvious, it’s Amelia and Alrick! Their relationship was what set off basically every major conflict in this show, aside from the Infinity Train’s own existence of course! Its reverse meaning can also be imbalance and a misalignment of values, which fits with how Amelia’s love for Alrick and her ensuing grief led to her hijacking the Infinity Train, and indirectly causing Grace to start a cult whose whole purpose is to get their numbers up; Not just a misalignment, but an outright reversal of values!

Next up is the Chariot! I’ve chosen the Infinity Train’s front car/engine for this… The Chariot is about willpower, action, and determination, and its reverse is notably a lack of direction… The Infinity Train’s engine pulls the entire structure, giving it direction! Notably, the Infinity Train itself is rather binary and controlled in its directions; Passengers can either get their numbers up, or down, representing a somewhat black-and-white view of ‘progress’.

Grace is the Empress! This makes sense, she’s a counterpart to Emperor Simon, and the Apex’s true leader in both of its incarnations. Not only does this fit with Grace’s desire to be at the top, in-part because of her upper-class upbringing… But it also invokes ideas of femininity, beauty, and nurturing! And, Grace is definitely feminine, and certainly beautiful- Especially given the way she checks her compact mirrors often, as she’s someone concerned with her appearance to others on both a literal and metaphorical sense! But there’s also her essentially taking care of the Apex, trying to be a parental figure to make up for her own lacking parents!

Strength is Hazel and Tuba! Not much else to say here, honestly- The image of a woman and her lion translates well here! One of its uprights meaning is compassion, which fits in with Hazel’s compassionate nature… Not to mention, Tuba is easily the strongest of our protagonists by a long shot!

For Judgement, I would choose an image of Ghoms rising from the wasteland’s dirt! The art for the Judgement card frequently depicts beings rising from the earth… And in a sense, Ghoms could be interpreted as the Infinity Train, or at least the narrative’s judgment! Simon goes too far and tries to murder Grace in cold blood after she saved his life a second time, and right on cue, a Ghom appears to kill him! Ghoms are associated with Death, and Judgment and Death are intertwined…

The Tower represents a mishap in journeys, so naturally I chose One-One atop that structure he was on in the climax of the Unfinished Car! That same structure of floating buildings that he’s standing on when Tulip talks to him, and finally gets the guy to snap out of his programming! The Unfinished Car in general represents ‘disruption’ in how the Infinity Train’s journey and plans are supposed to go, a break in its programming, especially as a result of Amelia’s unplanned hijacking of the engine! The Tower is chaos and revelation, which One-One causes and later undergoes in the Unfinished Car.

Death is an interesting one for me. While its name implies some negative stuff, in the end it’s a card about change, about new beginnings, and its reverse represents those who are averse to that and want things to stay the same! I think a dual-image of Tulip and Amelia, one above and the other facing down, would work… Tulip boarded the Infinity Train because she couldn’t handle the changes in her life from her parents divorcing, and Amelia had the same reasons, amidst a more literal one with Alrick’s demise! There’s also the idea of including Simon as a skeleton, given how he straight-up dies as a result of his inability to accept change, one that goes further than Amelia’s ever did! If Amelia were to appear on this card, she’d be wearing her cloak to invoke the Grim Reaper’s image.

Next up is the Sun, and it’s… Jesse! This one is fairly straight-forward, he’s a got a very bright personality and he’s brimming with positivity! Both times he boards/exits the Infinity Train, it’s daytime and outside; In contrast to Tulip and Amelia being at night, or Grace being indoors! And Jesse spawns in the Hill Car, which itself is a bright and sunny place! Not to mention…

To complete the duality, we have Lake as the Moon! Jesse and Lake go hand-in-hand together, they’re inseparable if the Book 2 finale is any indication, their bond overrides the Infinity Train and even causes it to glitch! The Moon reflects the Sun, fitting of Lake’s reflective nature, and admittedly, what Mace suggested about Lake being a narrative parallel to Jesse as well! There’s the idea of confusion and introspection, which relates to Lake’s themes of finding her identity. She relies on trickery, both to initially dupe Tulip during her debut, and later to earn her exit on the Infinity Train!

For the Devil, which represents the idea of entrapment, especially of those who could easily leave but choose to stay thanks to their own bad decisions… I’ve chosen either Amelia’s mech, or Mace and Sieve! Amelia’s mech represents her own willing entrapment within the Alrick-sounding persona she created, it’s representative of her refusal to let go of her grief and to move on- And it was made by her, representing how ultimately it was Amelia who had the power to let it go, but didn’t!

Not to mention, the Devil as an archetype is used to represent corruption and the swaying of bad influences… Which fits in Amelia being a dark reflection to Tulip, luring her in with the promise of her own car with the ideal reality, and Amelia’s mech being the ‘false god’ that Grace later worships, setting her down the wrong path! The Devil could also be Mace and Sieve, as there’s the idea of being trapped in their roles and choosing it as Flecs, binding others with the law, etc. Not to mention Mace’s obsession with killing Lake, and Sieve’s determination to avenge his fallen comrade afterwards. Hmm. Perhaps the Devil card should depict both Amelia’s mech AND the Mirror Police!

Temperance is a fascinating one to me. It usually invokes the image of pouring liquids, and involves ideas of good health, balance, cooperation, and teamwork… While its reverse meaning is the opposite as chaos and not working with others! This could be Alan Dracula, contrasted with Perry the Parasite… Alan Dracula is a fickle creature, and hard to get on your side, fitting in with the idea of teamwork and cooperation! But under Perry’s influence, he’s seemingly more cooperative…

Only, Perry’s presence is causing poor health as Dracula’s body shifts rapidly, and him and Perry conflict over control! Perry himself isn’t such a cooperative guy after all, it seems. But then there’s also Randall… He’s water, invoking the image of pouring liquids! Water is a big theme with Temperance and going with the flow, which describes his personality, and his hivemind nature encourages teamwork from his very first appearance! Like with the Devil, perhaps Temperance can be both… A Perry-infested Alan Dracula at the Food Pyramid Car, with a river of water that’s actually Randall!

Justice goes to the Steward! There’s the idea of being an objective force of decision, which goes with how the Steward is both helpful to the Infinity Train, as well as Amelia for a while, and a deterrant to our protagonists Tulip and Lake! It is a physical force for One-One, the conductor, and he is the one who ideally passes judgment in a sense as a construct of the Infinity Train. Justice is about being objective and not letting emotions cloud your decisions, which goes in hand with the Steward being a literal machine with no feelings. I imagine the image for Justice would have the Steward and its arm-tendrils holding the ‘scales’, and on either end is One-One and Amelia!

Next up is the High Priestess, the one and only Samantha the Cat! There’s the idea of being intuitive, creative, thinking outside of the box, being both passive and receptive, as well as curious- Traits that go well with Samantha! Among the things it can represent is a woman influencing your life (AKA Samantha with Simon and Tulip), but also someone who just knows what’s the right thing to do- And as Samantha herself said, she ALWAYS does the right thing! Its reverse involves being disconnected and withdrawn, as while Samantha is social at first glance… We see how her close relationship with Simon ended. The High Priestess is also privy to sacred knowledge, which works with Samantha knowing a lot about certain characters and the Infinity Train, and how to get about!

Atticus is the Hierophant… There’s the idea of being one for wisdom, tradition, institutions, that sort of thing! Hierophants are classy and educated people and are always willing to listen. Atticus is certainly a classy, cultured individual as the King of Corginia, and he’s arguably the wisest and most experienced of our protagonists! He is a leader, but also a follower, willingly supporting Tulip in her journey… And supposedly, the Bishop/Hierophant is one who stands up against Death when even kings falter. Atticus ‘dies’ and is reborn, he helps Tulip come to terms with change… He’s the first to attack Amelia in her mech, and a brief yet effective obstacle for Mace and Sieve!

The Fool is… Tulip, this time with emphasis on her in particular! If the Major Arcana tells a story, The Fool is the very beginning, Card number zero… The Fool is the protagonist who goes through the adventure before ending with the World! Given my previous assignment for the World, the idea of ‘zero’, the beginning of a journey… Amidst the Fool also being an outsider with limitless potential, Tulip made the most sense! The Fool isn’t necessarily about being smart or dumb.

Tulip is our first protagonist, the first character we see, and it’s her that starts off the entire series! It’s Tulip’s journey that sets in motion the events of Books 2 and 3, with her reflection becoming a person, and Amelia’s change of heart inspiring Grace’s redemption! She has the most conventional journey of our protagonists with a defined beginning and end that we’re present throughout… And some artistic depictions of the Fool give them a dog as a companion! So obviously this is Tulip, accompanied by Atticus, and probably One-One as well! Some depictions of the Fool also show them as a vagabond, which fits with Tulip running away with just a backpack of belongings, and how this lands her a ticket aboard the Infinity Train!

For the Star, I think I’ll choose… A Passenger’s number, specifically one turning zero! In the Major Arcana’s story, the Star comes after the Tower, just as Tulip’s number goes down after the events of the Unfinished Car! It’s about light and hope amidst the darkness… Just as Tulip’s newfound resolve following Atticus’ transformation earns her the exit home, just as the glow of her palm acts as ‘guidance’ amidst the confusion and darkness of the Infinity Train. It’s a way home, and symbolic of recovery… So Tulip’s exact moment in the darkness of the Ball Pit Car, when her number reaches zero, makes sense! Since I’m going with a passenger’s number for the Star, this probably means the World will be either an exit and/or the Infinity Train in a loop around the wasteland.

The Hermit is soul-searching, inner guidance, introspection, and helping others achieve that as well… So why not have the inner workings of the Tape Car, the process by which tapes are made with the help of those Mini-Ones, Porters shuffling about! Is in the Tape Car that the Infinity Train itself sees into one’s heart and the issues that’s plaguing them, and forms a measurement for a passenger’s number… It’s in one’s own tape that someone can confront their traumas, entering their own mind, and even talk to themselves! Perhaps the specific image would involve the old passenger whose pod Lake hijacked, but in the middle of his tape’s recording! As an old and experience dude, he -unwittingly- provided guidance for the younger Lake!

And finally, the final tarot card for me to figure out, the Magician! This one will be… One-One! I know we already had him with the Tower, but it doesn’t hurt to have a repeat focusing on the little guy himself! The Magician IS Number One in the deck, after all! Some depictions have the Magician with an infinity symbol above his head… surrounded by foliage, the growth of new ideas, which relates to One-One’s association with Tulip and her ability to spring back from anything! It’s about new beginnings and opportunities, the Magician; And One-One provides this for passengers as the conductor!

Some would even say the Magician, within the story of the Major Arcana, gets the ball rolling for the adventure and protagonist! Among the Magician’s traits are inspired action and power… One-One is in charge here (ideally), and his job is to help inspire passengers to make a change in their lives and recover! However, the reverse is manipulation, representative of the darker undertones to One-One’s job. Some depictions of the Magician have him with one arm pointed to the universe above, the other to earth below… So artistically, we’d see both halves of One-One, Glad-One facing up with Sad-One pointing down!

Ultimately, these ideas aren’t exactly set-in-stone, and I’d consider reworking them to include even more imagery, characters, and scenery from the show itself! So any ideas are much welcome, appreciated, and encouraged!

#infinity train #major arcana #tarot deck #infinity train tulip #infinity train amelia #infinity train atticus #infinity train one one #infinity train jesse #infinity train lake #infinity train alan dracula #infinity train grace #infinity train simon #infinity train hazel #infinity train tuba

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muthaz-rapapa · 3 years

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HealPre Final Review: Not terrible but not entirely laudable either...

*sigh* Where do I start?

Well, one thing I’m pretty sure of is that COVID definitely affected production somehow. By that, I don’t just mean the show needing to go on hiatus, resulting in a shorter run compared to previous seasons. I’m also talking about any possible changes that might’ve been made to the original narrative, if there was one.

Much like how Suite’s story had to be altered in the wake of the 2011 Tohoku earthquake and tsunami disaster, I believe Heal underwent a similar treatment in response to the pandemic becoming more widespread as 2020 went on.

Especially since it dealt with health and nature, HealPre is probably the season that has come the closest in relevancy to real life events.

Frankly, that can be quite scary because this virus was and is still a fucking nightmare on a massive global scale. From that view, I can understand why the writers/producers would be concerned of the anime hitting too near home. At least for their main demographic’s (children) sake, maybe they were compelled to shift to something lighter and less edgier so that the kids could find some comfort and enjoyment in the midst of the world’s current crisis.

So I can’t fault Toei for that, if that’s really the case. Going through a pandemic is terrifying, infuriating and exhausting and UGH. We could use something that can help ease our worries or momentarily distract us even a little bit.

Though would it have killed them to dedicate one episode to the importance of wearing a mask or washing hands? (-_- ;;)

HOWEVER! Seeing as I am not a fragile child, I’ve still got several (oho~) criticisms to air out before I put this season behind me. This review isn’t particularly scathing but...there is a lot of discontent so you’ve been forewarned.

But first, let’s tediously review what structure means in Precure.

We all know that there are certain things that will forever (?) remain fixed in the series formula.

The plot is always going to be “magical girls fight evil doers threatening to ruin the world”.

There are plot points to indicate story progression but in reality, are put there to correspond with toy releases which are usually marked by these five: introductions, first power up, midseason Cure, second power up, and build-up to the climax + finale.

There is usually a specific message (a theme) to be told with every season and motifs (narrative tools) to aid in getting that across. For HealPre, the theme is “living is fighting” and its motifs are “health” and “nature”.

I left out “animals” b/c 1) it didn’t hold as much significance as the other two did, 2) animals are part of nature anyway and 3) let’s be real, it’s just a synonym for “mascots” which we already get every year. :P

Right. I’m probably forgetting something but for the most part, these are immovable pillars of Precure.

Story, on the other hand, has more variables you can work with.

Story is how you tell the plot, how you convey the message.

Precure, as a tv series, is unarguably carried by its main stars, the Cures. So it only makes sense that a huge percentage of a season’s success owes itself to how much of an impact its characters had on the audience as well as how effective their individual story arcs were as sub-plots tying back to the bigger picture (the message/theme).

Ideally, these arcs would shine the brightest in the filler episodes, where the plot (“good guys vs. bad guys”) is less of a focus so there is more space for personal development and growth.

Also, not all character arcs have to be directly related to the plot but they ought to be written well in order to support the overarching message (the theme).

Now, has HealPre done that? Has each girl’s story demonstrated a good example of what “living is fighting” means?

...nnnnnnyyeeee... look, even I can’t give a straightforward answer on that because while technically they did, by virtue of Nodoka’s observance in ep 44 recounting it as such, there’s also actually not enough to make it feel substantial from a viewer’s standpoint.

At least, that’s what I thought while watching HealPre.

With the exception of Nodoka’s, there was a lot of saying but not much doing to convincingly back the other girls’ arcs up. The fillers themselves were very weak, loosely composed in relation to the motifs and, if I may be so blunt, downright boring that if Nodoka didn’t phrase those episodes as things that counted towards the theme, I probably would put up more of a fight on disagreeing. so shoot me, I’m soft for her :P

And I know that sounds confusing right now but I will elaborate as I continue.

Before that though, to be utterly fair, some seasons keep their respective themes shrouded in vagueness until they’re given a more concrete form in words around the finale. So it’s not like we can do much except make educated guesses on what they really are. Most of the time, we’re just measuring everything against our perception of a standard in the fog. Or maybe that’s just me?

Nevertheless, you can just tell, y’know? By simply watching and observing the whole show, you can tell if the characterization, the development, and the outcome (essentially the content given) really live up to what the season claims is endgame.

So let’s go through that first then. The characters, starting with our lead Cure...

Nodoka being the only Cure in her team to have an arc deserving of the praise “exceptional” should come as a surprise to no one.

She was the most solid in terms of direction on how her story was going to proceed. Out of all the girls, her journey had the greatest connection to the subject “health”, repeatedly delved into it every time the spotlight was on her and fulfilled everything it seemed to promise from her debut in episode 1.

Her struggles on the road to recovery from a long-term illness and the strength she’s drawn from that traumatizing experience as well as her time as Precure did more than establish her as the strongest character in HealPre.

She has also rose to become one of the most memorable Pink Cures in the entire franchise (personally, I rank her in the top 5).

And it’s not hard to see why she’s earned such high regard in a lot of fans’ hearts.

The writers clearly worked a lot on her character composition to the point where she can pretty much embody the theme of “living is fighting” all on her own.

She came into HealPre fresh out of the hospital and full of earnest desire to make the most of her newfound freedom but she also wasn’t without knowledge on what hardship is. From there, she only got stronger, even when she was stumbling and trying to figure things out along the way. She grew more fortified in her beliefs on what it means to be truly live a healthy life.

She bravely defied the ones who attempted to take advantage of her and twist her cause against her. And she learned that taking care of herself is equally as important as wanting others to be safe from harm.

It was never about winning or coming out on top. It was about protecting a fundamental yet precious truth. That one thing any decent human being should never have to concede: the right to live well.

Honestly, Nodoka is absolutely inspiring all around, as a fictional character, a heroine and a normal everyday person.

Everything about her arc went satisfyingly right like it was meant to and the best thing is, we don’t need to question it because we saw how it all happened with our very own eyes.

I sincerely wished I could say the same for the others but sadly, they were just too flawed.

And Pegitan can throw flippers with me all day if he wants but as undeniable as the above statements are about Chiyu, her arc failed to leap over the increasingly mounting disappointment I had with every episode that’s been assigned solely to her.

Two of which weren’t even about Chiyu. One centered on Pegitan’s admiration for his partner and the other focused on her brother, Touji. Which, while nice to give to supporting/secondary characters, is a fat waste of valuable screentime and not what I’m here for.

It also didn’t help that the conflict of her arc (the indecision over choosing between two dreams) started really late in the game and was resolved so quickly within two episodes. There was no time for me to get invested into it, there was no powerful sense of conviction like how Go!Pri or Hugtto handled theirs and really, it just felt like Chiyu was only following what the script dictated for her rather than genuinely awakening to her own competitive passion towards track and field.

It was almost like it didn’t matter. Almost as if the writers procrastinated in thinking up something worthwhile to further her development...but then settled on grabbing an old idea off the shelf without refining it to suit Chiyu when they ran out of time.

This happened similarly with Minami in Go!Pri and Elena in StarPre, both of whom left me angry at how their arcs were executed. Yet theirs don’t compare to how pissed off I am about Chiyu’s. Because while Minami’s took a while to arrive, it wasn’t done poorly and linked back to Go!Pri’s theme well enough. And while Elena’s was over crammed last minute, at least it was unique to her character and had lots of potential ways to play out if they actually started it earlier on in StarPre.

Chiyu’s arc is like a discount version of the former with hardly any of the intriguing qualities of the latter. Sure, she had two early episodes that laid out the two most important aspects of her life (her family inn and her dedication to her sport) but after that, they weren’t brought up again until we were only weeks away from the ending. Y’know, just to fill up episode slots and meet the minimal requirement of saying they did give Chiyu some issue to resolve.

It was not engaging at all.

Furthermore, the fact that her arc had very little to no relation with either “health” or “nature” hurt my appreciation of her character somewhat. I just...don’t think her kind of story really matches with the central topics of HealPre?

...but maybe I’m being bitter about this all wrong and that’s screwing up my rational thinking on this matter.

Because Chiyu’s arc is valid under the logic of the overall theme, I would never say it isn’t. And again, character arcs don’t have to be close to the plot nor is it necessary to employ the “suffering builds character” method to make them interesting.

Chiyu always does her best every day. That’s sufficient argument on why her story does fit within the frame of HealPre’s premise.

Guess I’ll just have to wrangle my resistance into acceptance somehow.

...still, her arc could’ve been done so much better than what we were given. Chiyu at least deserved that much.

Next, Hinata.

Since the beginning, I knew she was gonna be runner-up to Nodoka for having the (for lack of better term atm) “best” arc because it was heavily implied that she has ADHD and therefore, immediately checked off the “health” trait. She was even more obvious about it than Nozomi was.

Difficulty paying attention, hyperactivity, impulsiveness. Hinata didn’t just display all those signs, she also showed how hard it was for her to deal with the downsides to them on a regular basis.

She kept apologizing and put herself down excessively for inconveniencing her friends even though they never blamed her for her condition. Got them annoyed a few times, yes, but didn’t stop them from staying friends with her and definitely didn’t make them hate her either.

Everybody was understanding of Hinata...except Hinata because she always took her failures to heart and considered quitting several times to avoid the crushing dejection of making mistakes over and over again.

She got better, though, and no one could have summed it up more heartwarmingly than Nyatoran with the encouraging words he gave her at the conclusion of her arc.

But it still feels like there’s a huge chunk of development missing between the start and finish. Or rather, it seemed like all of it occurred offscreen and we were only informed later that it did in fact, happen.

To recap, iirc, Hinata had around 5 episodes that focused on her (ep 9, 13, 23, 35 and 40). Ep 18 doesn’t count because that was a Nyatoran-centric filler more than anything.

Ep 9 and 13 did their jobs of introducing and highlighting the details of Hinata’s troubles while also suggesting she will eventually learn to overcome her insecurities. The ones after, though? They pushed those issues to the backseat.

In Ep 23, she had to share the (uneven) spotlight with Asumi. Hinata’s improvements were briefly mentioned but the majority of the ep went to teaching Asumi what “cute” meant and how to get along with puppies. I mean, I get that Asumi recently joined the group and bonding with her was mandatory by tradition. But since each Cure only gets a limited number of eps to herself, it would’ve been more beneficial for Hinata if she didn’t have to split screentime with someone else’s growth schedule.

Ep 35 is slightly better but not by a whole lot. Sure, Natasha was able to reconcile with Elizabeth which was very sweet and heck, it was the goal for that episode. But again, nothing was really done or addressed about Hinata’s main conflict. She tossed it back with the rest of her homework to deal with later. ahaha, a TroPre hint

Then ep 40 came to formally close the curtains on her story and apparently, Hinata screwed up lots of times since...whenever but she picked herself up every time after and kept on trying. Awesome. So WHY didn’t we get to see that?

I’m not asking for the impossible here. I’m not asking for Hinata to be cured or anything miraculous like that. There is treatment available for ADHD but it is not curable.

Also, forcing Hinata to find a way to get better at studying, the thing she struggles with the most, is not the solution either because that would only make her more stressed and anxious over her own disorder.

What I want is to see how she moved from wailing “I can’t do it! I don’t wanna! I’m so scared of failing so why bother?!” to determinedly declaring “So what if I failed 1 or 100 times? So what if I fail another 1000 times? What matters is that I don’t let that stop me!”

That confidence is not something that can be built up overnight. It’s gradual and it takes numerous tries to reach from where Hinata was to where Hinata is now.

Telling me she grew emotionally stronger can only allow me to believe so much. I need to actually witness the changes as well.

If it weren’t for that, Hinata’s arc would have been a lot more impressive. Shame.

Finally............... Asumi.

Asumi, Asumi, Asumi, Asumi, Asumi, Asumi, Asumi... *sighs & drums fingers*

...she has no arc, ok? Seriously, what story is there to speak of, much less write a hefty analysis on?

A spirit born for the sake of Latte who just went along with the Precure ride because Latte didn’t want to abandon her duty. She made friends with those who aren’t Latte, extended her knowledge and understanding and gained valuable human experience during her stay on Earth. But ultimately, she will always define her entire existence around a puppy.

Nothing is more important than this puppy.

...... to be honest, Asumi not having a storyline isn’t what bothers me. It’s her lack of depth that does.

Hell, even the giant burger she ate had more depth than she did!

Oh, Asumi does have a personality alright. She’s consistently and unfailingly polite, utterly devoted to her raison d’être and in crucial moments, gives pearls of wisdom when the girls are in a pinch. She’s good.

But if that’s all she is, then she’s also painfully dull.

She has nothing to contribute to the discussion of health or nature, despite being created through an element of the Earth so you’d think she’d have an opinion of her own. At least worry about the planet that gave life to her as much as she frets over Latte all the time. But nope.

She shares the exact same face as Teatine’s past Precure partner so you’d think we’d explore that connection to see if it would influence or affect her in any way. But nope.

90% of the time, her role was just being Latte’s constant, fawning satellite.

Not only did that irritate the hell out of me but it just reinforced my stance that this type of character is one of the worst you can ever insert into any narrative.

Because if someone keeps reiterating how much they’re obsessed with this one thing and seldom talks about anything else without bringing their obsession into it... then what’s so special about them on their own?

You’ve practically surrendered the different qualities you could have had for worship of something else. That’s not a fair trade-in.

Asumi’s character is so packed with Latte-related stuff that there’s not much space left for anything that can be considered uniquely Asumi.

I mean, maybe it’s because I can never see myself or any normal person comfortable with living like that.

Living for the sake of being together with the one you love? Okay. But living with your whole universe revolving around that one thing? Making most if not all decisions based on this one thing?

No. That’s absolutely crazy, alright? Nobody with a healthy amount of awareness and self-worth would live like that.

And you can counter that Asumi’s just born like that. That she can’t help her origins because Teatine’s wish to protect her daughter is essentially what brought Asumi into existence so of course, her biggest concern would be Latte. At least, she wasn’t forced into it, right? As long as Asumi chose of her own will to follow Latte, it should be fine, right?

You can even use the fact that Asumi isn’t human. That she’s a spirit and we shouldn’t apply our human standards too strictly to her.

Yea, but those are feeble defenses in the face of her being a good main character, a good main heroine.

There are many ways to make a decent MC. The way Asumi was written proves she certainly does not possess traits that can classify her as true protagonist material. A protagonist has to be more than one amplified feature, which Asumi is not.

For the record, I don’t hate Asumi (she’s not interesting enough to generate a feeling that intense). I'm just severely let down because even if I don’t end up loving the midseason Cure for whatever reason, I can usually count on them to bring something intriguing to the table to dissect and analyze. At least I should find something to care about them.

Didn’t happen with her. :(

Oh god, I’ve been working on this post for days now and I’ve got a headache and with the baton pass happening in less than a few hours as I type this, I just really need to get it done and over with so please forgive me for speeding up through the rest, I’ll try to keep it as coherent as possible. NYARGH! (@_@ ;;)

Mascots.

Would you be surprised to hear that I’m not surprised that they were actually written very well?

Like I said early on, I suspected the return of fairy partnerships were going to improve the mascots’ significance in the story and, well, I was right.

This time, they didn’t just fill in the usual expectations of relaying exposition, serving as the Cures’ transformation devices and looking cute for the merchandise. The Healing Animals had to make progress on their own training to become doctors as well.

And they did through their relationships with their human partners.

It was a refreshing take on the mascot aspect of the series because the friendships felt really symbiotic. When the trainees arrived on Earth, they relied on the girls to help them perform their jobs as well as provide them with shelter, food, the occasional peptalk about their trainee status, etc.

Then as the story continued and they got to know each other better, the mascots were able to return the favor by giving support when the Cures needed it. Rabirin when Nodoka was frightened and confused about how to deal with Daruizen, Pegitan when Chiyu was having trouble choosing between two dreams and Nyatoran who made sure to always lift Hinata’s spirits up when she got upset at herself.

In short, they achieved their objectives of learning what it means to be good doctors by being there for their friends! How wonderful! :D

My memory for Latte is hazy, unfortunately, since she’s coddled by everyone all the time (can’t blame them, she’s friggin’ adorable! <3) but I’ll never forget how she stood firm on the battlefield to see things through, to fight for the Earth like she promised her mother. She started out so babie but showed us all there was enormous bravery behind her cute face and ugh, we should all be very proud of her! <3

The only major issues I had about the mascots were these:

1) Too many irrelevant fillers went to them. They only needed a maximum of two for their entire mascot group.

2) Latte kept getting sick even after she acquired a Precure partner of her own. I was hoping it wouldn’t hurt her as much as it did before Asumi arrived or that she would build up a stronger immunity but noooo, they insisted on torturing the poor pupper! T_T

Villains + Finale Battle

Not a lot needs to be said for the first part. We’ve had mediocre antagonists before. HealPre’s just happened to be extra annoying as they were despicable.

Which is worse because jerks you can just leave in the trash but assholes won’t stop harassing you unless you pummel them into their graves, set fire to their corpses and leave no trace of them behind! >:(

Y’all know who I’m talking about. Opinions on him continue to vary depending on who you talk to and if they’re avid fans of his face or not but whatever. The son of a bitch served his purpose and is dead now. That’s all that matters to me.

Anyway, the King was flat like his two lesser generals. He was neither intimidating nor distinguished enough in the brand of evil to really make us think of him as a serious threat and because of that, it ended up making the boss fight look like any run of the mill boss fight.

I know, they tried so hard with all that shiny animation but it just didn’t have that glorious sense of vindication that previous seasons (or ep 42) gave and I blame it all on this Rumiko Takahashi reject.

Also, this strategy was pretty useless?

They built it up like Earth was gonna sacrifice herself and die or something (she wouldn’t and even if she came close, deus ex machina would’ve kicked in to prevent that and COVID-induced caution too I guess).

But there were no signs of pain (well, that’s a relief) after absorbing Shindoi-ne and they really pissed King Byogen off more than they did any damage with the absorbed byo-gen power.

...so yea, this tactic was just to kill some time and budget, nothing more. Meh.

By the way, did Asumi eject Shindoi-ne’s pathogen out of her body yet or did they just leave it in there to bounce around until it eventually dissolves on its own?

Because that’s eww. I mean, it’s obviously not gonna hurt Asumi they can both relate on hyperfocusing their affection for someone so maybe the compatibility helps :P but still, ewwwww.

Fillers + Underused Motifs

In hindsight, perhaps HealPre didn’t exactly promise the content we I wanted about “health” and “nature” if their objective was to teach that any manner of “fighting” can count towards “living”.

......but fuck you Toei, you’re still cowards! >:/

Fillers will be fillers but it’s always better to try and make some of them as meaningful as possible. And they wasted the opportunity to inform an impressionable audience (during a very crucial period of our time, I must add) on a lot of things related to the HealPre’s motifs. Especially about the environment which for some ridiculous reason, they chose not to touch on for the main stretch of the overall story.

Proper hygiene, good diet plan and sleeping habits, regular exercise (already done by the girls a few times but could use another example), meditation, counseling/therapy (especially for mental health!), etc.

Real life pollution, climate change/global warming (IMPORTANT!!), deforestation, preservation vs conservation, endangered species, recycling, volunteering to clean up your community, etc.

These just came off the top of my head but yes, there’s more and no, I’m not saying that the writers need to cover all of them in extreme detail or replace the slice-of-life episodes.

But they should be able to mesh both serious and light-hearted together in harmony somehow. Like those fillers where the mascots saw people cleaning up littering at the park or that interaction with that arborist who taught them about wild animals and trees when the group went to visit a lake.

For health, maybe let the girls visit patients with chronic illness in the hospital or have them converse with a medical professional on some matter. Particularly if it’s got something to do with mental illness because stigma in Japan on those who are afflicted with such conditions is still prevalent and has caused a number of sad and shocking tragedies that could have otherwise been avoided if people didn’t have such outdated, judgmental mindsets.

That last part might be too dark for a children’s anime but there’s a lot more out there that is doable.

Do that without reducing it into a footnote, Toei. It is so necessary for your target audience to be aware of these issues at the age they are now. You have an almost 20-year old franchise to serve as a very effective platform. Make better use of it if you truly care about the message you’re conveying through your show!

Also, what the fuck.

The last episode was a mess. Why are you only mentioning this now when the season is already over?

This should’ve been brought up months ago!

All the things we could’ve seen the Cures done to protect the Earth without magic.

The excuse of “I didn’t know humans were so horrible!” is a shit one because everybody knows humans are deplorable trash when it comes to abusing the Earth. All the more reason why you have to persistently drill it into people’s heads that they should not be like those who don’t care or choose not to care.

One crack episode isn’t going to cut that.

God, I so want to unsee this ep just so I don’t have to end HealPre on a more sour note than it already was. *big aggrieved sigh*

Lastly (and this really is the end of my long ranting, I promise), the missing undisclosed lore.

There are few Precure seasons without a past lore of its own in the recent years. Is it a wonder, though?

Lore is mysterious and fascinating. If it involves a past Precure, even more so.

Sometimes fans might just hang onto a show because they’re curious about what happened before the main story. We’d never get the full tale of those adventures but at least, it’s fun to imagine the “prequel”.

Also, past Precure are just badass. Fact.

Strangely enough, we didn’t get that for Heal. All we know is that she was called “Fuu” and was very close to Teatine.

Hmm. Probably one of those changes caused by COVID interference cuz I can’t imagine the writers choosing not to tell her past in the original draft.

With all that finally off my chest, I’m ready to part ways with you girls until the next All Stars (Nodoka, I’m gonna miss you so much! T_T)

HealPre wasn’t the worst and it was nowhere near the best that it had the potential to be. But it’s passable. At least for those who loved it even with its flaws, I’m genuinely glad it was good for you.

For those who are thinking about picking it up (although why you would read this spoilery post before watching, I have no idea), if you’re looking for a standard magical girl anime to enjoy casually, then this is a safe pick. If you really want to invest your attention and heart into it, though? Then perhaps it would be in your interest to ask someone who saw it already to help you filter out the episodes that are worth watching. You don’t need to worry about the rest, they’re inconsequential. :P

Ok then! Thanks for reading as always, brave souls who have reached this point.

Stay healthy and safe out there and I’ll see you at the beach next week! Tropic underwater paradise here we coooooommmmmeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! xDDD

#i rage quit two drafts and an outline before i got anywhere with this #now if you'll excuse me i gotta catch up on my workout and play pokemon and eat pho later #and catch up on the ccs manga #livin' the healthy life oh yea~#healin' good precure #cure grace #cure fontaine #cure sparkle #cure earth #hanadera nodoka #sawaizumi chiyu #hiramitsu hinata #fuurin asumi #rabirin #pegitan #nyatoran #latte

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terramythos · 3 years

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TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 4 of 26

Title: Educated (2018)

Author: Tara Westover

Genre/Tags: Nonfiction, Creative Nonfiction, Memoir, Autobiography, First-Person

Rating: 8/10

Date Began: 1/21/2021

Date Finished: 1/28/2021

Tara Westover was born into an isolated, fundamentalist, conservative, anti-Government family in rural Idaho. She lived a life of neglect and abuse, never going to the doctor and never receiving a formal education, while being forced into unsafe and life threatening working conditions. When one of her older brothers became violently abusive, no one stopped him.

However, things began to change when Tara self-studied the ACT and scored high enough to be admitted to college. At age seventeen, she stepped into a classroom for the first time, and soon found just how little she knew about the world at large. Westover's Educated is a deep dive into her experiences growing up, her emotional struggles with an abusive family, and her road to recovery.

To admit uncertainty is to admit to weakness, to powerlessness, and to believe in yourself despite both. It is a frailty, but in this frailty there is a strength: the conviction to live in your own mind, not someone else’s. I have often wondered if the most powerful words I wrote that night came not from anger or rage, but from doubt: I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Not knowing for certain, but refusing to give way to those who claim certainty, was a privilege I had never allowed myself. My life was narrated for me by others. Their voices were forceful, emphatic, absolute. It had never occurred to me that my voice might be as strong as theirs.

Full review and content warning(s) under the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Graphic depictions of childhood neglect and domestic abuse. Graphic depictions of severe, traumatic injury. Derogatory use of racial slurs. Racism, misogyny, and antisemitism are discussed. Somewhat graphic animal death.

I don't have a lot of experience with nonfiction outside an academic setting, so writing a review about a nonfiction book, even one that's basically a story, is challenging for me. I've written and rewritten my Educated review a few times and none of them have felt right. So I'm going to keep things as short and simple as I can.

I've got complicated feelings about memoirs. Autobiographical works can be fascinating to read! But since I don't care about the personal lives of celebrities or politicians, most of the genre is dead to me. Memoirs like Educated are much more interesting; stories about ordinary people living through extraordinary circumstances. But there have been enough bad actors with this type of book (like Three Cups of Tea or A Million Little Pieces) that I'm always a little skeptical. So I approached Educated with a cautious yet open mind.

Educated is a thought-provoking memoir for a number of reasons, as it explores both the dynamics of familial abuse and the importance of receiving an education. Westover clearly experienced profound trauma as a kid. Apart from multiple disturbing injuries, she also suffered physical and emotional abuse, medical neglect, and a total lack of typical social and academic education, all of which hindered her ability to function as a normal adult. Despite this, she's managed to accomplish a lot, especially in terms of formal education, which her memoir details.

However, I think most official descriptions for the book do it a disservice. Yes, Westover was born to survivalist parents, and yes, she did not enter a classroom until seventeen. On a surface level the book is about her journey through education. But as Westover states, most of that education was social and emotional. A lot of the book actually focuses on her relationship with her family, and coming to terms with the abuse and residual emotional damage from her childhood.

As a survivor, I really identified with Westover's difficult journey with the abuse she suffered. While my own story is not as extreme, I was also abused as a child by family members. My father witnessed it happen and refused to intervene, gaslighting me and my mother + sister the entire time. There is so much irrationality and manipulation in a situation like that, and reading about her parents' denial that her brother Shawn was ever abusive struck very close to home. Like Westover, it took me a long time-- well into adulthood-- to finally establish boundaries and cut my father out of my life. Her emotional struggle and recovery are especially poignant to someone who knows on some level what it's like.

The academic portion of the book is also interesting. Westover's shock, frustration, and sometimes ostracization for not knowing certain things is just fascinating. It floored me that she had no knowledge of the Holocaust or Civil Rights Movement until college. While I have plenty of criticism for the US education system, it's better than starting with absolutely nothing. Educated made me realize just how much of my accessibility to formal education I've taken for granted.

I admit I actually finished the book a little skeptical, because there were some details that seemed weird or not adequately explained. Memoirs and other works of creative nonfiction inhabit a gray area in terms of truth. On one hand, they have to be entertaining to read about. But on the other, reality isn't always entertaining-- so embellishment does happen. One also has to consider how unreliable human memory can be, which blurs the line between fact and fiction further.

On previous versions of this review I obsessed over financials, or how people recovered from injuries, and so on. Honestly, though, I'm not sure how much the small details matter in a story like this. Westover acknowledges several times where she remembers things differently than others. Memory, and how it changes with time and context, is a central theme of the book. I'll never know Westover's full story because I'm not her.

But even if only half her story is 100% factually true-- and I think it’s way more than that-- it's still super interesting and discusses some very important topics. Westover comes off as genuine, and she describes her struggles in a very believable way, often going into detail that I'm not sure someone would even think to make up. I think it's nice she doesn't use her achievements as a form of self-aggrandizement. And while Westover accomplished some amazing things considering her background, the book also doesn't come off as a preachy bootstraps narrative. Maybe in five years there will be a huge scandal over this book, but as of now I'm willing to believe it for the most part.

Educated gets an 8 because while I found it fascinating, it wasn't a life changing piece of work to me. A lot of people feel more strongly about it. Nonfiction also doesn't scratch the same itch for me as, say, really good spec fic. But I'm glad I read it, and I think it's a good thing to read outside one's comfort zone sometimes.

#8/10 #taylor reads #2021 reading challenge

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flying-elliska · 3 years

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Ellie I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I actually want to say thank you for posting so openly about your diagnoses and struggles because I am going through something very similar, and it’s actually helped me reach out for help with my mental health. I’m 32 and after my moms death last year I am discovering that not only am I fairly certain that I have ADHD but, I’m starting to realize that I have spent my whole life dealing with Emotional Incest from my mother and that’s something I do not know how to even approach.

I have literally felt like I’ve been going crazy and functioning in the world is becoming harder and harder each day. I feel like I don’t have a handle on anything and I am constantly overwhelmed to a point where I don’t know how to cope but seeing you dealing with this is giving me some hope. I know I’m probably not the only person you’ve helped indirectly so please know that you’re not only helping yourself but you’re encouraging me and probably others to do the same. I really hope you find some peace and happiness today.

Anon 💖💖💖 thanks for reaching out, it means so much. I actually had a good (but exhausting) day - I confronted an acquaintance about him being a clueless asshole to some of my other friends, which I don't think I would have had the guts to do in the past. So maybe not peace and happiness, but definitely some satisfaction.

First of all I am very proud of you for reaching out and I am glad I could help in whatever small way I could. I am also sorry for what you went through and still have to deal with. I know it sucks. I am right there too rn in feeling how much it sucks. I think it's an important step to recognize that. IT FUCKING SUCKS. Because personally for a loooong time I was just pretending everything was fine, making excuses for the people who hurt me, but I was just running myself ragged and feeling so hollow and splintered and just.... And coming to a point where i'm finally looking these things in the face, and all that buried crap resurfaces...it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, just putting some of these things to paper, trying to do this all month, it's so ughhhhhhh fuck man. It's ugly work, I hate it, but at the same time, sometimes, it feels empowering too and like I am returning to myself and picking up all these shattered pieces and recognizing that part of me that suffered and deserved better that I tried so hard to deny and deaden. Reclaiming my ability to control my own narrative.

So honestly from what you're describing, I think it's very logical that you are having a hard time and feel overwhelmed. Hell, they say during recovery at the beginning it generally gets worse for a while before it gets better. So...even tho it sucks, in a sense, it might be a good thing ? I know it is for me. Much better than previous numbness and dissociation. The pain of truth is purifying - it's so different from the pain of secrets and shame festering in silence. Am I coping very well right now ? No, but I'm learning, and I'm also having these occasional moments of inner reconciliation and mending that feel miraculous ; like that scared, confused inner little girl I used to be feels increasingly less alone and trampled over.

Anyway the good news is that when it comes to ADHD, treatment has a high chance to have a radical positive impact, it's one of the diagnoses where finding the right combo of therapy/meds/lifestyle changes leads to some of the highest rates of positive change. So I really hope you get there.

The rest is...yeah I don't know how to deal with that either, I'm still figuring it out. My relationship with my mother was for so long such a fucking clusterfuck of layers of manipulation, unaddressed generational trauma, repressed grief, good intentions, petty cruelty, inappropriate behavior, unfortunate circumstances and neglect, over projection and blind devotion and gaslighting, enmeshment and lack of boundaries, abuse done for "your own good" with a smile and a reasonable explanation - it made me feel insane for so long, like I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions. And every time I felt like I had addressed one layer I hit on something else, to the point where I started to feel like I would never be free of it. I haven't seen her or properly talked to her in like, seven years and still all this time I was struggling with it - it was necessary to cut contact tho, to assert that boundary. And then to keep building boundaries from there, slowly, frustratingly, to keep digging and asking myself questions. I got stuck and lost so many times, but I feel like I'm finally reaching the end of the tunnel, because knowledge is one of the most powerful things in the world.

Real talk, the emotional incest thing ? I think my mother had a similar dynamic with her own father. And she tried to do better, but because she was unwilling to look at the true ugliness of the situation, instead choosing to wallpaper over it with magical thinking, everything-will-be-fine-if-i-convince-myself-it-is, and an obsession with moral purity, she ended up doing a massive amount of damage of her own. And I am not doing that.

There is a radical power that comes with facing the ugliness head on that I am claiming for myself, and it seems that you are embarking on a similar journey. It's a big thing so we can't do it all at once. I think doing sth like this you have to pace yrself, to chew off little piece by piece, to digest bit by bit, to let some things rot and dissolve, to go through many cycles of doubt and indignity and revelation, to hunt for the truth on pure Instinct and desperate need, to claw off a path from the dark and the impossible, to consider incompatible and paradoxical truths, to let every new bit of knowledge work its way through you and make you stronger and stranger and more yourself. To let yrself be a little bit crazy and seething and deranged, to shake loose the confines of what you thought was reasonable, to find gifts and allies in unlikely places. To expose, to open up, little by little, to find scraps of words that turn into full sentences, to take back power by finding the right name of things. And then, one day, we'll give birth to ourselves this time and we'll find the sun-bleached bones of this horror and make it into jewelry. Or something.

You don't have a handle on things ? Good ! It's probable you have had a handle on things for way too long. Your handle is probably completely broken. So I don't know you, but maybe this is good, in all its harsh inconvenient terrifying way. I know I had to throw away the handle I had first to build a new one. And flying loose for a moment which yeah ! Fucking scary. But also kind of badass, in that private way maybe nobody will ever know but you and so it's extra important you give yourself that credit.

Anyway I'm rambling but I do hope some of this gives you some extra validation. I'm here if you want to talk more, including by message. I know it's helped me so much to read abt other people's experiences, so. It's like a chain of courage, and you can be part of that too.

Also books have helped me so much - some fiction, but especially of late 'Tiny Beautiful Things' by Cheryl Strayed - she's an advice columnist who writes about some super gnarly stuff in such a direct, humane, powerful way, it gave me a lot of strength.

Power and solace to you, anon. 🌸💪🌸💪

#abuse tw #emotional incest tw #personal

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alexanderpusheen · 3 years

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i have some feelings about how people treat age (i am thirty for complete transparency) and its ~nuanced~ but not really as nuanced as people think it is? these are my perspectives as a 30 year old survivor and educator. this is kind of rambly and doesnt have a conclusion, i just wanted to get it out of my head.

lets talk maturity like adults, especially those over the age of 21, have enough experience to know that their feelings and mindsets are vastly different than that of someone who is 15, 16, or even 17 or 18. i still remember what it felt like to be 12, i still remember what it felt like to be 15, and i still remember what it felt like to be 17, 20, 25...and honestly i wouldnt go back lmao. im MUCH more mature today than i was then.

the older you are the more life experience you have to know what is and isnt right. you learn how to deal with people simply because youve had more time to do so. in that sense, the older an adult is, the more of an ‘edge’ theyre going to have over a minor. so you can never have an equal relationship because you just know too much.

on the other hand, i think theres this stigma against older people that goes beyond looking out for childrens well beings and goes right into ageism. i have this theory that most people have no idea what a 30 year old is supposed to look like. most people assume im in my early 20s for a bunch of reasons...either its my looks or my interests or whatever but i think there is this narrative that someone over the age of 30 must be married, popping out children, buying a house, working on their career, and definitely not doing silly things on the internet. 30 year olds are ‘serious.’ ‘mature.’ something that simply does not apply to me as a personality trait, but because time has passed i have to BECOME another person....i dont get that.

in my professional life i have a lot of contact with teenagers. i talk to my teenage students like theyre adults because i dont think theyre idiots. i feel like a lot of my colleagues tend to treat teens like zoo animals rather than taking their jobs seriously. educators are part of a childs education process. we help form who you are, whether we like it or not, so giving you age appropriate responsibilities (within reason, i also hate assigning lots of busywork homework) is part of our job. teens say dumb things because theyre teens but also i remember that once i had a fucking meltdown in english class when i was 14 because i got a B+ on a quiz and said i was going to work at burger king forever and my teacher actually reassured me in her own comedic way. so yeah, i remember being overdramatic and annoying too so i cant be critical of my students for that.

while i think the age dynamic between a teenager and an adult is something to take more seriously than some people online would like to, i also see a lot of full grown adults in their early 20s pretending that anyone over 30 is a corpse. it goes back to what i said about that narrative....30 is not the end of your life. in fact, i felt my life was just beginning once i turned 30. i spent most of my 20s in and out of mental hospitals and in treatment, learning how to function, and towards my late 20s i finally became a teacher and found that it was a fundamentally vital part of my recovery. but the ‘best years of my life’ aka my teen years and early 20s were all spent trapped in abusive relationships and processing trauma. now that im older, i feel i can finally start living.

maybe its because of my experiences but i really resent being told that im old just because im 30. im only five years older than some of these people who are like ‘dni if youre 30+!’.... like you are 25 years old there is no significant age gap or power differential between us??? do you think that once you turn 30 you stop liking anime and become some kind of sexually predatory liability towards....people in their mid to late 20s?

the reason we talk about age is because adults, all adults, need to respect children and teens at their particular stage of development. i know teenagers hate being told theyre not fully mature yet but you arent fully mature yet. you arent adults. even if you were, you simply dont have that much life experience. its fine not to know everything. and there are people who know more than you who will try to use what they know against you. thats why discussion age dynamics is so important. because childhood developmental stages are a thing really even up until youre in your early 20s (but at that point it doesnt matter AS MUCH because once youre legally an adult you have more legal rights than you do as a child, as sad as that is).

i think a lot of this antagonism against people over 30 is that society generally values youth, which is pretty silly because society also gives children and teens little to no legal recourse. so there is this distinct antagonism there. youth is valuable perhaps BECAUSE of its capacity for exploitation. once youre older, you know better, and thus you cannot be so easily fooled. and thus, as a result, we all believe turning 30 means youre a dried up useless husk, because your buying power isnt as useful. your beauty (if you are a woman) is worthless because only barely legal teens are acceptable in a society that highly values youth....and we should maybe unpack that because thats highly uncomfortable isnt it? your reproductive capacity is worthless because biased scientists have told us that if you have a child over 40 you are GUARANTEED to produce DEFECTIVE CHILDREN!!!! its backed up by SCIENCE!!!! science says older women are useless and shouldnt have children!! even though we live in a world where genetic counseling exists and we can easily navigate those risks...but no, science says.

the cult of youth is a cult of exploitation of the youth and one that devalues to the point of disposability of older people. and during the pandemic we are really starting to see just how little governments care about older people. in fact, its almost as if they are purposely killing them off...because they arent as important as the youth for some of the above mentioned reasons.

#long post #Heavenly Decree #just something i had on my mind

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adaywithandrew · 3 years

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genuinely i know from experience that it’s easier to get onto the next level of life or back with the present or whatever you want to call it——- if you are just bored and numbed out of past trauma so it’s like why not continue might as well fill up the story with something else. It’s very hard to move on or go and pursue some other story if your mind is still very caught up in the last story and is living in some kind of ghostly present. like those feelings are too powerful and real. but I also think that it’s a catch bc it’s good to have real feelings and not be numb. And the amount of times I have had to bury old fears or traumatic things to keep moving at this point :( like I don’t know what god was thinking to make me so sensitive to this world. Bc it’s been so hard to interact with the present or the future like even when I know as a person “I want to be vulnerable and have an open heart” it’s still incredibly hard to be present and do that. bc all of these subconscious defense mechanisms that just surface immediately bc the root of what I fear was just ignored in the last life challenge for survival instead of being squashed. Like I truly don’t have a basis of trust in my situation that I’m in (my situation meaning how I pursue all relationships in my life) bc everything can just fall apart :( so how am I supposed to be open. Like all the it’s better to have loved and lost wisdom never sat that right with me bc I think some of us are just slated to be melancholic- like sometimes I feel like I’m mourning my last life. I was a super depressed child and didn’t understand why bc i was like ??? Why am I even sad??? My life is ok!!! and if that was my beginning it was always going to be a lot to have a loss. Like the fragility from the beginning was insane... the recovery from the losses hasn’t really gotten to a place where I am like :) wow so happy that happened so I could grow. Like to this day I think that falling in love at 17 was way too much and gave me a trauma brain to deal with. Like some people have to experience war or death or something at that age and that’s truly out of your hands and devastating!!! But with love it’s like I wish I had more self preservation at the time to have protected myself and turned away in time before the brain damage from the sadness hit that has effected me for yearssss. Like why was and is my self preservation so low especially if I knew how low I could feel and sad I could get. Like idk if I thought it was my destiny to lean into it but a. Lot of it was so unnecessary. And something else!!! You know how therapists and books and w/e are like when you get angry or sad don’t explode over everything...literally when I’m sad it’s like a mountain of sadness and it feels like I’m mourning all the times I was forgotten and hurt or mishandled. And also this deep nameless sadness that I don’t think is even mine :( but it’s like closing my throat up and forcing me to experience it. I also think I have a major life pattern of pursuing situations that are bound to fail (like that person has given me plenty of signals that they won’t be able to meet me or hold me through xyz but still I hope) bc I’m convinced I can open them up but really it’s like...why am I doing that. Then it fails and I feel so alone and abandoned and the cycle starts again. Like if I went out and found more people who are on this 👁 I’m awake with you I’m as sensitive as you level would this still be happening!? Or would I STILL be too scared to be witnessed by them somehow. Or what if it happens and we would just fall endlessly together in how sad it is like a train wreck because I’m not actually awake I’m just indulgent. Like sometimes I think I have this sick programming where I believe that the people that have denied me (the safe space to be vulnerable without judgement) are better and stronger than the potential people out there that could open the space. like they are just mentally tougher and an aspiration for me. I can’t honestly tell if that’s bad or that’s what makes the world keep moving into action. :(

Something else I have been thinking about is how that psychic told my mom that she was a new soul and had never been here before. And I think it’s incredibly true bc I have always felt that way with her...but it’s like as a child of a new soul does that mean I’m slated to be lonely for this entire life? I feel like I have such a weird relationship with adults of all kinds. If one that I respect tries to connect with me I actually have to get out of the room bc I just start crying from how vulnerable it feels to be speaking with someone who is actually actually older than me or “with me”. that’s something that haunts me from my gender studies major bc the profs were always like please remember I am not a therapist bc people misused them a lot..and I never wanted to do that so I just avoided them. The one time I thought wow I’m so far from crying why not talk to * in office hours? I had to pretend I had a meeting so I could leave when I felt the tears. Like 💀 I wish less of my life narrative had to be centered around this endless struggle to get more comfortable with true vulnerability. I think I’ve fooled myself into thinking I grew the thicker skin I was always told to grow but I don’t know if that’s true. I still feel so much of it and I just suppress and ignore that I feel it :(

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kinetic-elaboration · 3 years

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February 9: Mr. Robot 3x10

Finally watched the last episode of Mr. Robot season 3. I was actually on the ball today so I’ve done lots--worked a full 8 hour day, read at lunch, went on a walk, read some fanfic for the first time in literal months--and now I’m exhausted.

So I don’t have too many coherent thoughts.

I remembered a few things from this ep--mostly the Dom part, the Angela and Price reveal, and the very last shot. But there were still a lot of details I forgot, and honestly I think I forgot everything after they leave the barn. I completely forgot all that stuff with the finding the secret magic code keys to undo the hack. I think that’s because it’s actually rather anti-climactic versus a lot of the other stuff that happened. What does restoring the data do? As Grant says, the Dark Army doesn’t care because 5/9 was just a part of the bigger plan that served its purpose. And everything in the past 2 seasons has shown that the Prices and whiteroses of the world will come out on top no matter what, because even tragedy (esp. tragedy) is open to being manipulated. And finally, as the Lady of the Night at the end says, it’s just too simplistic a plan. Just like 5/9 itself. So I mean it’s very IC for Elliot and there’s a certain amount of satisfaction to something, at least, being nice and clean and tidy, but it doesn’t feel like this BIG big moment, especially compared to the earlier scenes. Like the point from the subway on doesn’t match anything from before, where I was so tense my stomach hurt.

I remember finding the Price and Angela story really emotional and surprising the first time I watched it, not because him being her father was so shocking--it’s the sort of twist Esmail does well, where you’re like.. oh DUH and it actually makes more sense now--but because I’d been so willing, in my own naivety, to believe that literally anything, even perhaps time travel itself, was possible-- I mean all the hints! And here he is saying, definitively, no, this is still a realistic universe, in fact probably one of the most realistic universes on tv, and there is absolutely no way we’re suddenly going to become Back to the Future--sometimes people, even/especially ridiculously powerful people, are just out of their minds. The reason was pettiness--it was really that small. There’s something so effectively gut wrenching about that, to me. Such big things, happening for such small reasons.

I felt sort of similarly about Dom being flipped, actually. In some sense, it was a big operation to get her on the side of the Dark Army: a lot of research and so on. But ultimately it was also so simple. She said nothing would make her betray her values and her country and her job, but when they showed her just how far their reach went, how they knew and could find literally her whole family, well that was it. It’s not a complex scheme, is what I’m trying to say, it’s just threats--but it’s also the worst threats imaginable, coupled with some classic emotional manipulation. And so just like that she’s ruined.

The show is just so good at balancing the big and the small, the personal and the organizational and the political. Elliot is just one, often naive, person, and the show doesn’t make him bigger than he is--but it does acknowledge that he’s the protagonist for a reason. So he is good enough to have whiterose’s project moved to the Congo, for example, even though “hundreds of people like” him couldn’t do it. His character and his influence on the world is just... so well calibrated. Big enough to warrant this being HIS show, but not so big as to ruin the realism of a show that’s so much about the puppeteering ability of the rich and powerful.

To circle back to Angela... I haven’t seen S4 but I do know that she dies in 4x01 and I read at least one article that was very unhappy with that narrative decision. I don’t know exactly what I’ll think of it in context yet but I will say... rewatching this season and especially the last couple of episodes, she’s just so damaged, and so lost, it’s hard to see how there could be a redemption or recovery arc for her. I’m talking strictly from a narrative point of view. I do see how the character has come to her end place.

The parallel between Angela and Elliot was so strong. I mean I should have seen it straight off with the way her scene with Price was edited in with his scene at the barn, but like... when Price says “You have to recognize you’ve been conned and learn to live with what you’ve done” I just felt like that could apply to Elliot too. Except Angela’s instinct is to get revenge and Elliot’s is to undo his bad decisions and start again, and Angela is held back from her instincts and Elliot is given free reign. So she ends the season with, essentially, nothing at all, and he ends it with a new purpose (and a new/old antagonist, with Vera coming back....)

So yeah, something here with my Elliot and Angela theory lol... increasingly from the first season on, they’re separated but parallel--like in the scene where he talks to her through the door. They sometimes approach but never quite meet--like when the Cyber Bombings episode ended with them finally face to face, unable to hold both of them together in the frame. They’re so important to each other, but this importance is so often unsaid or out of focus. And I still don’t know what I think... is the love for her that he has located in Elliot or in the Hacker? Or both?

Anyway. I started thinking about how well plotted this show is and how poorly plotted other shows are and now my brain is somewhere else. I need to get ready for bed because I am very tired.

Final thought: I saw you there Ms. Lulu Ferocity!

#the year 2021 #2021: fandom thoughts #2021: mr robot

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theginger-patrick · 4 years

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ART 311 - May 11, 2020 The Heroes’ Journey

The Heroes’ Journey is an extremely prolific narrative structure that we see everywhere around is entertainment media. In one of my previous posts, I listed some of my favourite authors and their works which are particularly important to me because of their effective world-building and foreshadowing. Many of these authors’ bodies of work feature stories which are solidly set within the Heroes’ Journey structure, but there’s one story not listed there that I would like to focus on specifically. That would be Contact��by Carl Sagan, my single favourite stand-alone novel. As it was first published in 1985 and a movie adaptation starring Jodie Foster and Matthew McConaughey being released in 1997, I shouldn’t have to worry about spoilers, but here’s a spoiler warning: SPOILERS BELOW!

The premise of Contact is relatively simple. It’s a story about an astrophysicist performing SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) research at an radio-telescope array who receives what turns out to be a message from extraterrestrials, first contact, and the resultant reactions . As soon as most people hear that premise, they’ll assume that it’s either an apocalyptic armageddon style story, a science fiction horror story, or some sort of Star Trek First Contact style story where the aliens come to Earth and peacefully usher humanity into a new era. This story is none of the above. Instead, it’s a breathtakingly beautiful, moving, and awe-inspiring narrative supported by hard science fiction. Hard science fiction is science fiction which is soundly routed in factual science and mathematics. Anyone who comes to know me knows that I am hardly a religious or spiritual person, in fact I’m an outright atheist, however, this novel expresses in better form than I ever could in words the sense of the numinous which I feel when I see images like that of the Eagle Nebula’s Pillars of Creation (taken by the Hubble Telescope and released to the public in 2015), when I read papers on the research done at the LHC (CERN’s Large Hadron Collider in Europe), or when I read about advancements in technology and our understanding of the universe which can be used for the betterment of our species.

There are three acts to Contact much like any traditional Heroes’ Journey narrative: The Message, The Machine, and The Galaxy.

The Message:

Our protagonist, Eleanor “Ellie” Arroway, spends her early childhood being raised by supportive and loving parents, though her father Theodore “Ted” is the most influential on her life. He is her first mentor on her Heroes’ Journey, and helps to promote and develop her love of learning. From a young age Ellie is intensely inquisitive and devours new knowledge with a voracious appetite; she becomes particularly infatuated with the constant of π , known as “Pi”. This is of particular importance, so take note, and I would argue that this is Ellie’s call to adventure and is never refused or ignored. Unfortunately, while in sixth grade, her mentor and father Ted passes away to be replaced with her step-father John Staughton who is decidedly not supportive of Ellie’s non-feminine interests. Their acrimonious relationship is an important part to her characters development, though it was difficult for me to see it when I first read this novel as a teen.

The novel proceeds quickly through her middle and high school years, primarily using these years to highlight the sexism which was (and still is to a degree) wildly rampant in the STEM fields at the time. I viewed much of this to be further motivation for our hero to pursue her goals, though now with the added motivation of proving her step-father's opinion of her interests to be wrong. Her post-secondary education furthers her love and interest of science, gives her experiences in more social pursuits (*cough* sexual et cetera *cough*), and introduces her to ETI (just look at SETI and guess), and two mentors: two role models with one also being an antagonist of sorts. All of this concludes with her graduation and employment with SETI.

The first sign of extraterrestrial life is shown in the form Ellie discovering a repeating message of sequential prime numbers directed at Earth; this is not something that could randomly occur in nature. This is where the meat of the story begins; the crossing of the threshold. At first there’s skepticism among the scientific community, as there should be, but the message is received by unassociated and independent facilities. As the scientific community works through political channels to ensure redundant monitoring (this is set during the Cold War era) humanity is temporarily united in this realization that we’re not alone in the universe and a desire for further knowledge. This all culminates in the discovery of humanity’s first ever high-powered radio broadcast embedded in the message being returned to us, and industrial innovations and schematics needed to create a machine of unknown purpose embedded even deeper. Thus ends Act 1.

The Machine:

Tests, allies, and enemies are abundant in this part of the novel. Honestly, this is one of the most exciting parts of the entire story for me with all of the political machinations, discussions of about the new technology imparted to humanity by the extraterrestrials (nearly all of which are theoretically possible and grounded in real science), and discussions surrounding the philosophical implications and dilemmas of this new reality. I will glaze over most of it because otherwise this post would truly become a short novel in its own right.

The most important bits to take from this act (in my opinion) are the tests and enemies and approaching the inmost cave. The tests of Ellie’s dedication to following through with her life’s work in finding new funding and conquering adversity in the form of unnecessarily contrarian colleagues and critics, personal relationship, and physical and psychological recovery after a traumatic event. The enemies of this act are primarily the extremist religious and political groups which oppose the construction of The Machine and/or want to bring on the rapture, and . They ultimately destroy The Machine which is being built and funded by the government of the United States in a terrorist attack, and this appears to be the nail in the coffin of the project. The only way in which this is salvaged is through the efforts of an ally Ellie, who has a back-up machine in the works that was being used for “testing” components. The ordeal of this movie is undoubtedly the moment of activation of the machine, when the passengers and the world are witnessing the processes taking place from the opposing perspectives of the interior and exterior. The five passengers within the machine were confronting their fear of the absolute unknown considering this is a machine of foreign origin and technology never before used. Here ends Act 2.

(I am aware that this is Interstellar, not Contact. I just couldn’t find a GIF from Contact)

The Galaxy:

Approaching the inmost cave is what the story transitions into after The Machine activates as the passengers pass into the wormhole network which transports them to The Station. This would also likely cover the Reward (Seizing the Sword) phase. Throughout this sequence in the novel Ellie and the rest of the passengers are getting their first real reward to years of work and dedication with The Message and The Machine, but it’s obvious to the characters and audience that they’re currently in transit somewhere which has further implications on the story/mission. The trip to the station is an endless montage of breathtaking and mind-blowing scenes showing the depth and breadth of the capabilities of the extraterrestrials. Upon arrival, the passengers experience isolation and we later learn that the extraterrestrials were inspecting their memories. They used this data to put each passenger through a highly emotional and cathartic experience which was used to teach each passenger something about themselves of value. It is also when the most beautiful and numinous piece of information is given to Ellie when she asks the alien, who has appeared before her as her dead father Ted, how they experience when they create the numinous (she learned from the alien that the aliens are currently building a freaking galaxy, Cygnus A, using Sagittarius A which is the supermassive black hole in the center of our Galaxy, and is a massively powerful source of radio signals. Already a freaking numinous feat). It answers with Pi. Imagine how this would impact Ellie. Her "discovery” of Pi was one of the most formative experiences of Ellie’s early life. Specifically, the alien states that buried in Pi’s decimals is an encoded message. Imagine. Pi is a universal constant. It is something determined by physical and mathematical relations that just exist; you can’t “build” or “encode” Pi. The alien goes on to describe how they found this message in vague detail and directs Ellie on where to look.This entire combination of phases only concludes once the passengers have returned to Earth.

Their return could likely be classified as combination of the Roadblock phase. Upon their return to Earth, rather than Ellie and the other passengers having a triumphant and joyous return no time appears to have passed on Earth, despite them having spent hours if not days on The Station. They are questioned. There are Inquiries. Politicians and the public are furious that billions of dollars were “wasted” on something that apparently just spun up to a specific speed in place, then stopped. None of the instruments of human origin attached to The Machine recorded anything; there was no sense of movement, no great amount of time had passed just mere moments, no radiation, nothing. Eventually, all of the inquiries “determine” that it was all a big hoax perpetrated by some evil capitalist (the ally that Ellie secured funding and the backup machine from) in order to amass wealth and develop a monopoly on many of the associated technologies and emerging industries. The detection of The Message was all done via the coordination of desperate SETI scientists with this man and his satellites up in space to defraud the world. Fortunately none of the passengers are punished in any way, despite many of them having been scientists deeply involved with the discovery, decoding, and understand of The Message and the construction of The Machine.

The Return of the Elixir phase in this novel is both a phase to be celebrated and mourned. Ellie discovers that her father Ted wasn’t her biological father and that instead the man she thought was her step-father was her biological father. This is a loss of identity that she mourns deeply, but with the experience, perspective, and humility she has gained through this whole journey she is able to forgive her mother’s infidelity and come to terms with this bit of knowledge. She is also able to conduct research regarding Pi to help confirm her story regarding their journey in The Machine and discovers the message hidden in Pi’s decimals. A perfect circle. Ironic as hell and yet an absolutely beautiful impossibility thrown in by Carl Sagan that elicits a sense of the numinous in anyone I know who has read the novel. In closing, not only has Ellie’s Heroes’ Journey given her more wisdom and grace as a human, but also a powerful piece of knowledge that validates her entire experience and does the very thing scientists hunger for the most: she expanded humanity’s understand of the universe and of how much there is more to discover.

I know that that was one hell of a lot of word vomit on the blog, so if you read it all the way then thank you.

#Pi #Contact #Carl Sagan #Interstellar #science fiction #sci-fi #heroes' journey

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omegalomania · 4 years

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honestly i just need a moment to be like.......damn. mania is such a good record

obviously it was divisive and it was obviously meant to be but i truly deeply honestly love it and i think it was above all else necessary for the band to continue. like save rock & roll was a HUGE comeback, american beauty/american psycho took them to an even HIGHER success and they learned from cork tree/infinity/folie that they could not replicate that kind of success and trying to build things higher wouldn’t historically work out so instead of trying to ride the wave even higher and potentially crashing it, they just decided to do WHATEVER THEY WANT and they made an album that was really damn weird!! it IS really damn weird but that’s kinda why i like it, but i love it for so many other reasons too

i love it for its shared themes and its disparate sounds and the way that certain songs emulate the highs and other songs emulate the lows. i love the musicality and the way it plays in parallel to and sometimes outright contradicts the tone of the lyricism!!! i love that it is back to front an album that serves as a love song and i love that it does not reduce that love to a single thing. the songs are about love but they are about any kind of love you want them to be they are about romantic love they are about platonic love they are about familial love they are about gay love or bi love or whatever love you want it to be and they are about loving someone despite how difficult it becomes to love yourself and how difficult it is to love in spite of personal flaws, in spite of mental illness, in spite of self-hate and feeling like you are not worthy of that love. it has no answers. it does not have a solution. it posits that loving someone while you cannot love yourself is one of the hardest things you can do but it is also one of the most powerful things you can do.

and it makes me think of when they started out. it makes me think of how when this band was just four shitty kids playing in shitty punk shows in people’s garages and in unpaid gigs and with hardcore kids who didn’t really get this pop punk shit and really only wanted to mosh. it makes me think that fob got big because they were frank and sardonic and self-deprecating and they wrote about spite and break-ups and pain and self-loathing and feeling utter suicidally depressed and hating yourself so fucking much and hating someone else so fucking much and it spiraled up, it kept spiraling up until come infinity on high they were writing about the agony of constant scrutiny and the dark underbelly of fame and of infamy. they were reaching back into their hardcore roots and retooling them and they were at each other’s throats and they wrote about love but it was hard to quantify very many of their songs as love songs because there was so much bitterness attached, there was so much naked insecurity, there was so much self-hatred dragging it all downward and making it that much more difficult to bear

they’re a band that got big by writing about the ugliness of mental illness and ugliness of self-hate and how searingly and utterly one person can hate another person for hurting them so much. they were earnest about it. it all came from something. it all came from something real.

seventeen years after their formation, after their peak and their fall and their new and unprecedented return, they write this record. they write this weird, weird record that is, most of all, about love. it is about not wanting to die and how in this day and age living itself is an act of rebellion. it is about finding peace in a turbulent world. it is about carving out a bed of sound and living in it and letting that sound heal you. it is about recovering from the bad shit that you may have let define you for too long. it is not just about the narrative that mania lays out for us but the metanarrative too, because when you arrange this record in the context of all their other records, it takes my breath away.

they are not insecure. they are not self-deprecating. they are not wallowing in the trappings of fame. they aren’t struggling, the way they so vocally did on infinity, with the fear of recovery and the fear that getting better would cause them to lose their words and their songs and their music and their edge. they are moving forward. they are no longer fighting the wave or riding the wave; they have chosen to live as the wave instead and let it take them where it will.

when they started out, they wrote spiteful songs about break-ups and self-loathing. they wrote songs with spikes and barbs. they wrote songs that said “do not fucking touch me. i will cut you up. i am a neon sign that broadcasts all of my bad fucking ideas.” they wrote songs with punchy hooks, and they threatened to impale you on them.

and seventeen years later, they write about love. it is not perfect love. it is love with flaws and frustrations and idiosyncrasies and it is a neurotic love because it is a love that entails struggle and the zigzag peaking-troughing push-pull of recovery and backsliding. it is honest about the difficulties of love but it is wholly unapologetic in itself, it does not need to justify itself, it does not need to rationalize itself, it does not struggle with the fact that it is love only the fact that it is a journey that has no destination.

i’m just....i hope they know how much that means. i hope they understand that this record is genuinely fantastic, it more than deserved the grammy nomination it got and it deserved a win, and it deserves a place in their illustrious discography. it’s genuinely one of my favorite things that fob as a collective have ever put out. it saved my life when it came out and when i listen to it now almost two years later it still feels like home.

#fall out boy #*making poasts #no one asked for an essay about mania but im having a Night so you sure got one anyway

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