HOLY CRAP JESSE AND LUCIE ARE GONNA BE THE ILY BUR I CANT TOUCH U TROPE AND THATS LITERALLY THE BEST BUT ALSO THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO MEEE

Favorite Criminal

Ominis Gaunt x Reader

Summary: With everyone ignoring you and your best friend still sick, you snap at Sebastian, while Ominis thinks of a way to fix this mess they pulled you into.

Word Count: 1632

Warnings: Mentions of depression, anxiety, and Unforgivables.

A/n: Yeah so this one is hella long but also will have other parts :) Feel free to leave requests. I have too much free time this week and will see what I can do.

You try to be supportive. For Anne. Be there for Sebastian when he needed you. You knew this road he was down was a dangerous one and despite both you and Ominis begging him to be careful- to protect him yourselves, he still was set on a path of destruction with his new best friend. You knew it hurt Ominis more then you that Sebastian spent the whole year choosing someone he just met over the lifetime the two boys shared. Sebastian knew something about this character that you and Ominis couldn't puzzle out. 

Often you and Ominis would sit in the Undercroft later at night and whisper about what you could so to clear Sebastian from the crimes he has already committed with this new student. Thinking of new lies to cover up where those two went sometimes. Ominis didn't want to get his best friend in trouble and you couldn't watch Ominis beat himself up over something that was not even his fault. Though you did have far less involvement in the matter then the pale blonde, since he helped them find the relic in the first place, but he was already blaming himself for that so voicing it would only earn you a sarcastic remark and make him fall deeper into the hole he helped these two dig. 

You tried everything. All of the lies and cover ups are catching up to you and Ominis and after they used the Cruciatus curse on you, then the Imperius curse on Ominis, it was only a matter of time before Sebastian's new accomplice used the killing curse on somebody. Your paranoia was unavoidable nowadays. You felt there were people around you who knew what the two of you were up to. 

You think about running from this. Hiding from the suspicious eyes of professors and students alike. Who knows what these criminals are up to now? Where are they? Who else has this power-driven newbie dragged down with them? You can't focus on studying for your OWLS due to the stress Sebastian's new escapades have clawed into your chest.

It has gotten to the point that Ominis has started to hide things from you. You feel betrayed by the way two boys you've know most of your life cast you aside so easily. Now the only one who tells you anything is Anne.

You miss her everyday. Just being able to take a break from the boys and gossip with another girl. The school still has a spot for her in the dorms. Your dorm. A clean made bed with fresh linins that haven't been in use all year. When you miss her the most you sit on her bed, her name carved into the wooden post of the bed. 

Tonight you cant sleep, you can't handle the feelings anymore and go downstairs to sit at the window. Keep your mind off everything by listening to the water bubbling by the underwater bay window. It is very much your spot so being nearly one in the morning you were not expecting a certain brunette to be sitting there with a strange book.

"What? Telling everybody in our year about the Undercroft wasn't enough for you, you had to steal my spot to?" You snap at him, causing Sebastian to startle before meeting you hard gaze.

"No, I though you would be with Ominis at this hour. And I didn't tell everyone about the Undercroft, just one other." He says, giving you attitude right back with ease.

"Save it. I don't care that much, and why do you think I'd be with Ominis? Did he not tell you?" Your line of questioning confuses him. You scoff. "Oh let me guess. Too busy replacing him with someone who actually enjoys your obsessions?"

"Enjoys?" He puts his book down to talk to you, "Maybe if you and Ominis were more willing to help I wouldn't have had to find someone who was." His anger is evident in his loud tone.

"You are unbelievable you know that." You counter him with a whisper, "I miss her everyday. between you and that- that fifth year making problems for the rest of us and Ominis trying to stop you from getting arrested  I have been left with no one. Have you even asked your sister about what she wants? Have you even seen her? I mean of course you have. With your new best friend! In Feldcroft before Holiday Break. Four months ago." ��You stop, catching your breath.

"She is MY sister! No one misses Anne more then I do (Y/n)! I just want what's best for her." He argues.

You roll your eyes, "You want what's best for you Sebastian. Stop going around pretending you care about anyone but yourself. You-"

"Will you two shut it!" Ominis causes both you and Sebastian to turn and face him. "If you don't you will surly wake the whole house. Not to mention it is way past curfew and neither should be down here."

Sebastian grabs his book off the window seat and shoves past you to the boys dorm, knocking into your shoulder as he storms off.

You turn to face Ominis, his face blank, still in his school uniform. "How much of that did you hear?" You use a softer tone with the blonde then you did with his friend.

"I was there the whole time. Waiting for you actually. I'm blind not deaf." He gives a soft smile.

"Sorry." You whisper, embarrassed about your outburst.

"Don't be. I whole-heartedly agree with you." 

You smile at him.

 "However I think there is a time and place to do it."

Your face drops again and with your help, you guild Ominis to sit with you in the bay window.

"When was the last time you two spoke?" Ominis asked, cocking his head to the side.

The last time you have even seen Sebastian was the night at the Scriptorium. You tagged along, much to the dismay of the rest of the party. Sebastian and his companion were more annoyed then anything else, but Ominis was enraged the agreed to let you tag along. When they tried to talk him into using an Unforgivable, on you no less, he was fuming, ranting about you safely and how those two dodo-brains put you in danger. Since then both Sebastian and Ominis have been keeping you at arms length. Ominis less so, he will still have dinner with you and sit with you in classes you still have together but any of his free time is devoted on keeping his only other friend out of Azkaban.

No one really worried about you. Maybe they should have. It wasn't fair on you and Ominis for your only group of friends to split in several different directions and expect a blind guy to fumble the ground for the pieces.

"(Y/n)?" He reaches for your hand. As if you left him. As if you evaporated into smoke.

"That night we went into the Scriptorium." You let him slip his hand into yours, and, though its a platonic gesture, you blush. Hard.

'(Y/n) that was months ago."

"I know." You sigh, "Haven't seen much of our troublemaker since then. Seems he's been avoiding me. Or perhaps I am avoiding him."

"Well then. He definitely deserved that tantrum you threw." Ominis snickers.

You smack his shoulder, "It was not a tantrum!" You huff, but his smile makes you give one in return.

"I would call it a tantrum." He rubs circles into your hand, staring into the blankness that is the other side of the common room. Not that he know.

 "Why were you waiting down here for me? We only ever talk in class now. These meeting only happen when Seb did something wrong." You change the subject, trying to not argue with the only person who still makes an effort to talk to you nowadays.

Ominis shakes his head, "I think they're planning something."

He pauses and you wait for him to continue, knowing it'll be something bad. Your chest tightens with rising anxiety.

"I might need your help to stop him- them," He corrects, "When they went to the catacombs, he was looking for this relic. I think they found it. Sebastian is going back in a few days to test it. he thinks it can cure Anne." 

"I think we should stop helping those two. Let them dig their own graves Ominis." You cut him off before he can explain further.

"Listen I have to go. Not for Sebastian but for Anne. I don't think he is being honest with her." "Why does that not surprise me." You once again interject.

"(Y/n) I- would you please stop interrupting me!" Ominis says, annoyed with the input you give.

"Sorry.." You blush.

"They told Anne I lead them to the Scriptorium alongside you. Sebastian is very careful with his words. Anne thought we knew about what the relic does. I told her what I knew and she did the same. Those two have been lying to all of us! Even each other. It has gotten to where Solomon wants to leave. Move further from the school. We have to stop this before it's to late." "Ominis." You whisper, "I think it's already too late."

When his face drops you know that wasn't what he wanted you to say. For a moment you understand the new fifth year and their willingness to partake in anything Sebastian throws at them. They- much like you- act out of love. You love Ominis and only want him to be happy. This new student must have a crush on your friend. They do what they do because they care about Sebastian. Its toxic but just like them you cave.

"But if you think this is for the best I will help you. I can't promise Anne will to please that either of you dragged me into this. However if you need me there, I'll go."

Ominis smiles.

Perfect Chaos - Part 9

“I should explain everything to you guys. I owe you that. Especially you Angel. I would hate you to think i was leading you on. I would never do that.” Riley sat around the fire pit as she spoke to them all. Angel, Lina, Coco and Ez all looked at her with worried expressions. She needed them to understand. She needed them to know why she was so worried for Angel’s safety. “I know things i shouldn’t know. Like club business. I know your all in the shit because you were running coke for Galindo and one of the shipments got stolen. I know Galindo thinks theres a rat at your table because it was BTT that jacked his shit. BTT are guns for hire basically, and Miguel thinks it was a Mayan that organised the hit. I know that by next Monday Miguel wants someone in his Pew to make up for the mistake.” Coco, Ez and Angel couldnt help but share glances of worry between them. “I know all about Ez and Emily’s old relationship, that its a sore spot for Galindo. That means Miguel already hates Ez and because your brothers he also dislikes Angel. I also know about the Rebels and the hate their pushing for the Cartel.” Coco placed his beer on the table and leaned his elbows on his knees. “You get all that from Jake?” Riley nodded. “Guess who the rat at your table is?” Riley sipped her drink and continued to fill everyone in. “He’s in Miguels pocket. Jake’s his ear in the Templo. Miguel wants rid of the MC and Ez dead. His wife clearly cant let go of her feelings and that burns Miguel. Jake set up the hit for Galindo’s shipment to start all this drama. Jake wants power and control. Just being patched doesnt give him that anymore.” Riley shook her head and sighed. "He knows I don't want to be with him anymore. I've tried to leave him before. That didn't go down well. He beat me so bad I couldn't get out of bed for days. Told everyone I was sick and he was taking care of me. Told me if I left him, he'd tell Miguel Coco was working with the rebels against him. He’d be dead and Lina would be devastated. I couldn't do that to any one. I don't want anyone hurt because of me.' Tears Welled in Riley’s eyes as Angel pulled her close. “This is why we have to be careful. I dont want him to come after you Angel.” Angel shook his head in disagreement. “I meant what i said. He’s not hurting you again.” Riley rolled her eyes at the stubborn man. “And i meant what i said. Im not letting any of you get hurt because of me." Lina leaned forward clearly frustrated. She couldn't stand Jake from the moment her friend started dating him. And she couldn't stand that he had used Riley's love for her and Coco to manipulate her. "Look how about we try and enjoy the next few days here. No Jake. No Stress. We will work out a plan before we head home." Everyone agreed, including Riley eventually.

An hour later and they had all moved indoors. The atmosphere was different though. Instead of depression and worry hanging heavy in the air, laughter now filled the indoor pool area they were all gathered in. Lina and Coco were all over each other in the pool, play fighting and making out. Ez was lay back on one of the pool chairs reading a book. And that left Angel and Riley down the furthest end of the pool. She would be lying if she said he didnt make her nervous. She was convinced that he could hear her heart beating ridiculously fast in her chest and she was trying to focus on keeping her breathing even. " Your beautiful." Angels soft voice made her snap from her thoughts. Beautiful? She was far from it. A ugly bruise spread on the one side of her face, her hair soaking wet and the oversized t-shirt she wore to swim in made her feel far from pretty. She smiled softly at him as her head turned to look at Lina who sat on Coco's shoulders, giggling as she covered his eyes with her hands. Now She was what you considered beautiful. Her tanned skin, long legs and wild curly hair had loads of guys falling at her feet. But she met her match in Coco and Riley was genuinely happy for them. Soft hands on her hips, again pulled her from her thoughts. "You don't see it. How amazing you are." Riley smiled at Angel, lifting her arms over his broad shoulders. "Thank you" she spoke softly, almost as if she spoke too loud he would disappear. Angels brows furrowed in confusion as he looked down at his girl. "For making me feel safe. For caring." Riley explained as she leaned into him fully. Angels heart lurched in his chest at her words. She really did feel like she was on her own. That no one cares. That she had to be strong. Angel gently leaned her against the side of the pool, her legs coming up to wrap around his hips. "I meant what I said Ry. I'll always keep you safe." Riley couldn't explain the emotions that Angel put through her. He really was incredible. Not being able to resist, she leaned forward and captured him in a deep kiss. Her hands cupping his face, his moving lower in the water to rest on her bum. The feel of his hands sliding underneath her shirt and up her back made Riley groan. Everywhere he touched made her skin tingle with excitement and warmth. She wanted him. She wanted him so bad, worse than she has ever wanted anyone before. None of this seemed real to her. That someone like Angel would want someone like her. He could have any body he wanted, but here he was kissing the life out of the girl nobody in their right mind would look twice at. "We should stop, it's not just us...." she spoke against his lips, inbetween kisses. " No one's paying attention baby." Angel trailed kisses down her neck, fingers hooking in the sides of her underware. "I could take you right here against the edge of the pool and not one of them idiots would notice." God, soaking wasn't the word. A gasp left her mouth as his hands moved lower. He filled her senses completely. She felt love drunk already, and it didn't make sense to her. How he could make her feel so much in such little time. Jake had never and could never make her feel this way. So wanted, so beautiful. "I have a better idea." She kissed the shell of his ear as she spoke quietly. Angel smiled as she drew him into another kiss before lifting herself out of the pool. Holding out her hand with a smile, she waited for Angel to get out or the pool before leading him towards the hallway. Lina locking eyes eith her as they passed a grin spreading on her face.

"Ooh go get it girl!! Make most of your alone time!! Don't do anything I wouldn't!!" Lina called out to them followed by lots of giggles. All Riley could think about was enjoying every moment with angel she could because as much as she hated to admit it, she knew there was trouble brewing and it was heading straight for her..

EPISODE 5……..🥺

Right off the bat, i love the idea of percy’s forehead peeking out of the water, like the mysterious mermaid he is

Annabeth was the best part of the episode as always

Thought they were gonna talk more about thalia percy parallels grover just looked a lil tad distressed and that was it but whatever

Percy and his lil ‘hi’s will never stop being funny

the usual “i thought annabeth was gonna punch me but she was actually nice to me guys who would’ve thought someone would be happy to see me” narrative still shining through WITH THE HUG PLS CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW SWEET THE HUG WAS

grover’s so confused like “literally an hour ago you guys hated each other….am i missing out on some plot point”

dude was ‘looking for new tickets in the st. Louis arch as if they were going to be on the floor lying somewhere💀

Percy’s face when he addresses grover after the hug, he’s so proud someone actually hugged him 🥹his face is just like “hey grover look SHE’S HUGGING ME🥺”

Can I just say the writing for percy is perfect

like he’s so 50% there like he’s so good at communicating and asking what’s wrong and trying to understand the other person’s feelings (sally jackson’s son for you) but at the same time he has NEVER had a friend before so he ends up embarrassing himself 😂😭

”im pretty sure that’s what friends do” “….at least i think that’s what they do” pls 😭

grover’s face too help you’re already tired of being third wheel???oh honey this is THE FIRST HALF OF THE FIRST BOOK get comfortable

not their lil heads popping out and going back in. Peak comedy right there

Seriously adam did reallyyyyyy good as ares. Theres no one else i can imagine anymore as ares. The delicateness of his ‘good mood’ as if it is gonna break any second, the rage and fury but at the same time being extremely funny???

the diner looks so cosy it’s so cute

was kinda missing some percy rage in this but it comes out at the last so its fine

The real reason for grover to be so okay staying back is not the strategy of getting answers out of ares but because of how tired he was of taking care of annabeth and percy.

I feel like they should be showing luke more (later on they will, i have faith) im already forgetting about him it wont hit as hard if i dont remember him

Percy “ive not seen many movies since im broke” jackson x annabeth “ive never seen a movie since i live in a magical camp” chase

but the fact that annabeth’s never seen a movie kinda erases the fact that later on in hoo, annabeth talks about watching cheesy old romance movies with her father which kinda contributes to their dynamic but

the fact that percy would probably be the first one to take her to the movies makes me not care

honestly tho IM REALLY REALLY HOPING THAT THEIR FIRST MOVIE WONT BE THE ONE AT THE START OF BOTL I’d rage as much as annabeth when i see percy with rachel (not that im a rachel hater, im a circumstances hater)

grover is such a good therapist, like he is THE EMPATH. He tripped the god of war into talking about his life this is a grover appreciation post

annabeth zoning out with fascination at the mechanics and also i love the “percy being done with annabeth” representation

i cant see anything so nothing to say here

SEAWEED BRAIN THIS IS A HISTORICAL MOMENT IN PJOTV HISTORY THE FIRST SEAWEED-

grover manipulating ares through his emotions>>>>>

also ares roasting athena

Percy sacrificing himself AGAIN like the depressed kid he is

annabeth immediately reassuring percy that she would save his mom the character developmentttttttt from being inconsiderate about percy losing his mom to promising that she would save the lady EVEN THOUGH SHE BARELY KNEW HER

This is giving me too many feelings guys the lady she’s promising to save is the lady who will be the best mother figure who will singlehandedly heal her mommy issues AND BECOME HER MOTHER IN LAW

“Its warm” i thought this was gonna be the last thing he says before whatever was gonna happen to him so i was like lol famous last words

but fr tho the intenseness of annabeth crying for percy to GET UP and percy’s just fading out of the world trying not to cry trying to reassure annabeth that he’s okay IN WHAT WOULD BE HIS LAST FEW WORDS, literally everything he does is for someone else even in his dying moments its just magelhi”gdsjihoawerhoudfjls

especially with the “im not…..” [okay] lol we have always known that percy, it aint a big surprise

i got to applaud leah for how she portrayed annabeth’s brain chemistry altering every minute with percy and how that influenced her speech with hephaestus

i cant believe thats leo’s dad hes giving santa claus i do like him tho

Now that i think about it the percabeth hug should have been after percy comes back to life not after the louis arch scene since they were just starting to have two minutes of chemistry there and have the “you dont have to feel bad about the hug” in the zebra truck scene

percy trying to intimidate ares lolllll walker scobell did his best to make it look real tho so good for him for not representing it as it was; a lil 12 year old child threatening a wrestler looking god of war

”Thanks for the emotional abuse and the cheeseburgers” will forever be in the cinema hall of fame

i feel like grover either is going to say the wrong person or he’s going to figure out it’s luke but something’s going to stop him from saying it out loud

or he’ll say it which causes some angst amongst the team who dont trust him cuz both annabeth and percy worship luke like there’s no tomorrow

RAINBOW?? OHH THEYRE GONNA IRIS MESSAGE LUKE??

LIN MANUEL MIRANDA

005 — the wind

There was absolutely no need to storm your mother's office. Kimiko had warned her, she had also said that you had to discuss something serious. Your mother was totally excited when you stepped through the office door. She got up frantically and took you in her arms. She gently rubbed your back and smiled gratefully at Kimiko over your shoulder. At that point, your mother didn't know anything and you didn't want to tell her in the office either. 

"Honey, what's wrong?"

Your mother's foot appeared to be stuck to the accelerator as she drove the three of you home.  Kimiko held onto the dashboard as usual while you rocked back and forth on the back seat.  Every now and then your mother looked in the rearview mirror to gaze at you worriedly.

Thanks to your mother's fast-paced driving style, you arrived at your home within minutes (surprisingly alive). The way to the front door dragged on because your mother tried to straighten every flower and plant in the front yard. When the three of you arrived at the door (after ages), your breaths froze. She observed the special gift stiffly. 

"That's not why you took me home-"

Your mother stopped mid-sentence as she interpreted the expression on your face. She closed her eyes briefly to compensate for the upcoming tears. Not in the front yard.

Your mother stared at you in shock, then at Kimiko.  She bowed her head and blinked on the floor. Taking a deep breath, she jumped just outside the front door and unlocked it. 

"Come in over the veranda"  she mumbled and nodded to both of you before she disappeared into the house. Slowly you walked around the house. Kimiko swallowed hard. It was like your stalker noticed that you wanted to talk to your mother.

Your mother had already set the little table on the veranda. It was the wedding tableware that your grandma had handpainted. Tea calms the soul, Y/N, my darling. Then the old woman had adjusted her glasses and threw a mischievous smile around them. This is exactly what your mother was trying to copy now, with the aim of calming you down.

"Then let's get started."

"Tell me why there is a decapitated cat on our doorstep." Your mother smiled gently as she poured your tea into your mugs. As if this would be a usual topic, you'd discuss it on regular basis. Though, it wasn't. Not for you, at least. Kimiko hold back a chuckle because this whole situation was too bizarre.

"Look, as your mother I care about you over anyone and anything else. You are my one and only child. You seemed a bit off. The last few months. Let me help you or at least don't let me run around in darkness and ignorance anymore, my darling."

At this point, you weren't sure if there was worry in her eyes or eyes in her worry. Yet you felt the worry, with every cell of your body, and it was nearly torturing.

"I received gifts. Beautiful, loving ones at first. You know, gifts you would give your significant cant other. I noticed that there was someone. Wherever I was, I wasn't alone. The person spied on me. They were asking my friends about me. What kind of books I'd like and—" You stopped, your voice was shaking so much, that you couldn't finish properly.

"And we are not even halfway through it all, Mrs. L/N," Kimiko whispered and decided to talk from now on, after exchanging nods with you.

"I got confused when you told me Y/N doesn't have a tutoring job. Why would she lie to me? I waited at the school bus stop for her. However, she didn't come. So I waited for the bus to drive without me to look after my only friend. We walked home that afternoon... We always do since then." Kimiko made a pause to take a sip of the tea and tried to smile warmly at your mother but she terribly failed at it.

"I felt those glances too. And Y/N kept the letters and presents and -coming directly to the next point- screenshot all chat conversations. Just if you don't believe us."

Your mother shuddered in shock. How the hell could Kimiko say she wouldn't believe you. Shivering, she grabbed your hands and tried to hold the four as tightly as possible. As a mother you can feel when your child is suffering, you could say, but that's not true. Some ailments are so quiet that they cannot be heard unless they are talked about. Your mother wasn't angry with you because of your silence (maybe a bit disappointed), but just glad that she now knew what was on your mind. She sighed in a relief moment. Before she remembered the dead cat and the way you had been adoring cats for a very long time. This certain somebody was about to meet one of your mother's fists soon.

The silence enveloped you three and a gentle breeze freshened the air.  Slowly you closed your eyes and exhaled with relief.

Maybe it's the wind that uses the leaves of the cherry tree as its instruments. Maybe it's the warm tea between your hands. Maybe it's the fact that your mother knows and believes, that made your spirit free and light for the first time in months.

———

004 <<<<< do you see me >>>>>006

———

©@hypnagogicwriter on Tumblr. 2023

Psychology and Literature are literally my 1st and 2nd option, but i went with my 3rd option which is comeng (shocker, i wanted to be a game developer but all i ended up with are dead braincells)

But yeah when i finished writing my brainrot i was like "fuck this doesn't sound like kavetham anymore" since at the time i couldn't think of a way how kaveh could enter here (since i legit do not know anything about his character other than being broke and acting like an old married couple with alhaitham) (also i didnt know we had similar brainrots so oops)

Anyways adding to the brainrot, i just checked the wiki and "Stark defender of the arts" caught my attention. Like the possibilities this just opened, like what if while the reader was being ridiculed by the sages for the nth time, and the reader being fed up with it is on the brink of tears but at the same time fuming with rage.

Then kaveh who just happened to be passing by heard everything from miles away, defends the reader from the sages, and before the sages could rebute kaveh takes their hand and run leaving behind the sages who could only do was shout threats at them for being disrespectful.

Once the cost is clear he asks the reader if theyre ok and helps them calm down, he could ask more about their topic as a way to help them get the incident out of their mind. The reader seems hesitant but gives in cause he really seemed to be interested, so they give in and reader ends up rambling to kaveh the whole day and they get into a flow where they talk about the arts, and at the end kaveh can also be the one that says to not let the akademiya to crush their dreams and to follow what their heart wants.

They part ways after that and after receiving kind words and advice from someone, who they didnt know but was genuinely interested in their topic, the reader thinks for a long time before they ultimately decide to leave the akademiya.

After you dropout, Kaveh who was busy with his thesis tries to look for you, out of worry and out of fondness, he wants to ask you if you were doing better now and seeing how you were passionate for art like he is he wanted to befirend you, as it probably isnt everyday you get to see another student so passionate about a topic the akademiya deems as "foolish"

Only to realize he didnt ask for your name, so he goes around the akademiya to ask if anyone knows you and where he can find you, he then talks to one of the readers classmates who goes "Ah them they havent attended class for weeks now, betting they dropped out or smth after all seeing from their thesis paper they didnt have what it takes to be in the akademiya"

Kaveh literally has to keep himself from punching the living daylights out of them, cuz excuse me wtf, but he leaves right away after not wanting to get into a fight, leaving with a pang of regret for not meeting you earlier but also he's happy that it seems that you have atleast followed what makes you happy.

Bonus: Alhaitham heard everything, thought it was a shame you left the akademiya but it was your own free will, but what got his attention was fhe snide remark your classmate said, normally he wouldnt care about this things, but this time its different and he makes a mental note to sure to make it a hard time for the said classmate during their stay in the akademiya (he's a menace you cant tell me otherwise)

- Lady in the lake anon

(P.S I feel like my brain rots are getting sidetracked from kavetham and just start thinking about individual fics 💀 Hope this brainrot if you can still call it that since it feels like a fic atp made sense 😭)

(P.P.S I also have a brainrot about the reader writing a book that ends up in the house of daena, It's angst and would have included it here if this long enough already)

(P.P.P.S Also congrats on 4k followers! You really deserve it since your writing is literally the best)

(small but major spoiler for 3.2 in this post)

You went with *wheezes* You took your father's (Cactus) route hahaha he's computer sciences

Oh yeah I guess that makes sense, I forgot Kaveh is technically barely even a character yet so it he's still quite hard to write for others *looks at Pervases* but you just reminded me that I actually also haven't read much into Kaveh

Now I see where the artistic reader came from (and where all those Kaveh x Nilou shippers popped up from) and huh it really does make sense, but now after several inputs I think I got a good grasp on the reader for the poly Kavetham now - but the thought of Alhaitham messing with the others, man if this was on the canon timeline, imagine the shit he can do as the temporary sage

You should get into writing too, it seems you have a sense for something like that yourself aha (thank you for the kind words!)

The worst advice Ive gotten all week is to eat small meals and snacks, but my stress levels are so high I’ve recognized I’m in trauma shut down mode.

I felt bad for falling down the stairs face first into a basket, and I’m all messed up. I’m doing so much for my family taking care of things around the house I feel less and less like I exist and more like cheap labour.

I’m not angry even if I could be, but eating and having feelings has completely drained from me. I’m robotically moving through the day anticipating the next demand or crying. I am capable of so many things, but I’m treated like an idiot.

I cooked so much for others and watched them eat that I stopped feeling anything, I’m a taller person who takes directions, folds laundry and puts it away. I put together outfits, and give everyone drinks at night.

By the time I’m done I just sit on my stairs, concentrate on what I need but it just drops out. Its like several years ago but I feel nothing and more withdrawn. I dont want to draw or play games, I’m on medicine for depression but this feels different.

Its like my life is already over, and I’m just waiting to bury the last two members of my family. It doesn’t make me that sad, I’m just exhausted at the prospects of how long it’ll take. Maybe thats mean, I’ll miss them but right now they’re not my parents.

I thought maybe I was mentally giving up, but at work today I thought I already have. I gave up on a future for myself, things I wanted, what I want to do. Whether or not I want to pursue a relationship when this is all I am, how exhausting that would be. Friendships arent fun when people worry.

If I laugh or talk to loud it means I’m available to help, so if I want peace or time to think I just sit in silence at my desk or in bed. Its not that books or games or shows are boring I just feel guilty.

“Come play this game with us,” but I’m not supposed to be having fun. Mom is crying and needs help, I shouldn’t be laughing or talking about my feelings on the matter. Its alienating. I don’t relate or understand my friends anymore. They don’t get it or never grew up this way. They got out or have other family. Its just me, I’m the last surviving child and the youngest, but I cant maintain my job and this lifestyle.

I hate when people tell me to run away or leave, they have no idea how scary it is to pick some up from a fall or handle the bleeding and abuse. Or when you’re forgotten by name, all the crying and screaming. It follows you everywhere and doesn’t immediately get better. Not when its your whole life. Its decades of trauma and guilt.

Every plan you make or purchase you make is disappointment, other people need more help than you even when you question if thats a lie. Giving up your birthday for someone else because it feels selfish to ask for things or want things. Its already so internalized. I mean, only one person celebrates my birthday as an adult, I got too old for birthdays, easter, halloween and Christmas before I turned 12. Even if its something I want, I cant ask for it from my family.

If I got sick or needed help I was a burden or at least an inconvenience. So somewhere down the line these past months my body and just shut down. I just don’t have it in me to be falsely cheerful, its just exhausting.

Even if you love your family, and you work full time - even the small things add up until theres just no room to be anything but what they need. I wanted to travel once.

Will it be a miracle if I can? If I’ll even want to?

Hi! I love your blog and was hoping to get a blind date set up if you're still doing them.

I'm a full time college student and a part time barista as well as an assistant speech and debate team coach on the side. I was on the team competitively until I graduated and returned to be an assistant coach when my younger brother joined the team. I used to work in childcare and am working on a degree to be a teacher, I'm very passionate about history and literature which is what I hope to teach.

I'm plus sized and kind of have a pastel goth aesthetic, lots of bright colors and makeup but in more gothic styles of that makes sense. I've got brown eyes and black hair, roughly 5'6 but I'm usually wearing boots so who knows anymore. I put a lot of effort into my appearance and self care. I'm the human embodiment of a guinea pig and a marshmallow; I'm soft and adorable but I'm loud and not afraid to call out things when I see them.

I've got four guinea pigs and a dog who are my entire world alongside my art and writing. Kids have always been drawn to me for years, it's not uncommon for me to go to the library or grocery store and have a little buddy appear asking me to help them find their adult or a good book.

I paint with acrylic mediums as well as henna and other body safe paint , I also write and read a ton in almost every genre and have a huge passion for theater and the arts as whole. My true love in life is glitter. No outfit is complete without glitter. My motto in life has been "Eat a cookie and be happy." I enjoy cooking, especially trying out new recipes but I cant say no to fresh fruit.

I look for humor in a partner, someone who can laugh at situations and not take things too seriously. I'm a huge advocate for solid boundaries and communication as well as respecting each other's independence. Someone who can reach the top shelf would be helpful though.

I think I know just the guy for you anon. Hope you like it!

Your date is...

✨Poe Dameron!✨

This guy... he's smooth and charming, but also fun and silly. You'll have an entertaining date, to be sure. He'll want to start it off by impressing you, picking you up in a cruiser and flying all around, showing off with barrel rolls or other little maneuvers just to hear your laughter. Eventually he'll settle back on the ground. He'll take your hand and walk with you through a farmer's market, insisting you stop at every stall and try every food sample.

There'll be plenty of chit-chat as you two pick your way through the vibrant market, getting to know each other while also enjoying the moment and all the unexpected surprises it brings. Like the cookies he tried that turned out to be dog biscuits, or the several canopies that blew over in a random gust of wind. Poe loves that you not only have these fun memories to share already, but that you seem to be building a strong connection, a level of comfort with each other that could very well turn into more.

Once the sun sets and your bellies are tired from food and laughter, he'll take you for one last cruise around the skies, this one much more gentle and relaxed. This is where your conversation will turn deeper, and he'll ask you how you feel, what you want, and maybe if it's okay to kiss you. If you ask for more dates, Poe will be a committed partner, supporting your studies and art, taking you on more adventures, and giving you space when you need it.

✨

Want to be set up on a blind date with a Star Wars character?

Oh Teeny. You had to know this was coming as soon as you rebloged that fluff ask...

But A-Z for Mixer!!

Give me that sweet sweet Mixer fluff!!!!

That is all. Thank you.

Flats it all Kert! FINE! (pulls out book of Mixer info)

hehe teasing. ok, lets get this starting. *pops knuckles*

(this is nightsongtale cannon, not private cannon info)

A-Affection. In Song City partner ships with monsters and humans are still a bit frowned on. While in unsafe spots he gives space and walks behind but their partner can feel his protective aura. In more private, one likely be able to walk more then a step or two with out him holding or touching them. He loves being able to hear their soul song as close as he can.

B- Best Memory. When Suave gave him his custom laptop and figuring out how to make his own songs. He now was able to use his magic that he wasnt really allowed to while in their underground and it was like opening a blocked cell. Suddenly he had wide open accuse.

C-Cat or Dog. He actually doesnt like ether. They have no respect for music or his tech setup! There was a temmi in his wires and they completely chewed throw them all! Weeks to get everything back up and running!

D-Dreams. He wants to be the first monster to get a gold vinyl. He himself doesnt want to be famous but he wants his music to be heard by everyone.

E-Evenings. Evenings are normally when the club is open and he is DJ-ing. When he isnt working, (he does get days off) he will be at the local record store finding old vinyl's and cds seeing if he can bring songs no one wants to hear anymore into something pleasing.

F- (already answered)

G- Giggle. Like a traditional Papyrus he has that neyheh laugh with a bit of a tenor and musical play. like moving up the scale laugh. He likes good music puns but he will never admit it.

H-Hugs. He loves hugs! He will be more then happy to have a partner sitting in his lap hugging on them while he works on a piece in his room. Contact and care. Once again, he knows how big he is and is not afraid to use that to his advantage and 'cage' in his partner.

I-Instrument. Technically he would call his turn tables an instrument but he does play the drums. Something about the vibrations makes him happy.

J- (already answered)

K- (already answered)

L-Love. Playlists. So many sharing audio songs and sharing links to youtube videos. He would make sure that their name shows up atleast twice in every playlist in the songs. When at the club he would even be humming the songs as he thinks of his love interest.

M-Memory. Opening night at the club and seeing humans and monsters opening dancing and having fun. sharing in simple pleasure of music and he didnt have to use his noise canceling headphones once that night.

N- No. He cant stand being yelled at. He is big and knows when he feels like hes threatened he can cause damage. While he wasnt on the front lines of the war, he was close enough to hear screams and yelling. Angry music, like heavy heavy metal throws him off unless the intent of the song doesnt match.

O- Occupation- He would love to be work making songs for Pop Stars and J-pop groups.

P- (already answered)

Q-Questions. Unsure how to really answer this one. He...kinda is a monster. He knows ghosts are real. OH! He believe 'worms' in the songs are real and will wiggle into ones soul song! Suave used to tell him that a wiggle worm when you had the same song playing over and over again was a punishment.

R-Romantic. This skeleton takes love ballads to help set his dates and how to treat his partner. Mostly over the top county love songs.

S-Smile. Watching someone dancing and happy when a song he made. The magic he put into it. Enjoying the freedom to just...dance.

T-Together. He is hard to remember times and places to be so he may forget to spend time but the moment a partner is within his hearing he will cling as long as they let him.

U-Unbearable. Hmm. He will forget to eat and sleep if he gets into a song that doesnt want to proper form and will put his headphones on to ignore everything, even his own brother if something is bothering him. He hides to much sometimes and doesnt want to share and make anyone else sad.

V- Videos. Not really. He does record them singing but over all he doesnt like carrying a phone on him. It gives off a weird sound when to close to his soul song.

W- Wedding. Small with close people unless his partner wants more. He cant handle large gathering. He can only do it at the club because he has his own booth away from people.

(you have to wait on x,y,and z)

Making late lunch-been working like crazy calls w 12 countries now time zone is peace for a bit

Glance at this - have a draft

I didnt log feeling draft-reading back on it. My feelings are always so raw late at night. Maybe because my heart is more open and i allow my thoughts/mind and heart to communicate. I feel like during day I block them from eachother (maybe a survival tactic i developed to protect my heart idk)

Last nights raw…

TR whole thing to feel 5/16

Got an alert he posted im too afraid to look at moment or i wont be able to get that sleep. Too much info in my dm, and im too sick of seeing her. Dont know if shes w him again out there. But if i saw her out there w him i wouldnt be able to even process it let alone check absorb that before i went to sleep. If shes not there w him, im sure shes sending him selfies of her face prob looking pouty that shes not w him. Or if he asked her not, it would prob last a week and then pick right bk up when she got comfortable again. Because its who she is.

Been seeing pictures of her taking pictures of the sidewalk or herself for an entire year of my life. If anyones posts could make someone feel like theyre losing braincells, its hers.

Its somehow not even the posts or array but more the fact that you know that prob six of her seven days a week are centered around her posting on the gram

I dont get it, yet he must think thats normal for a girl? Idk

By my late twenties i had my series 7 63 65 and 31. Had already lived for a couple yrs and been an actress in LA, Built a $65 million dollar book of business that had nothing to do w my dads team at ms

Fck.. The Ptree Group manages like $14 Billion in assets now, and just landed The Weather Channels stock plan

Point - im so damn terrified inside my heart that he is will choose this chick forever. I dont know if Id be more depressed for myself or for him . Having to watch her alongside him was like watching paint dry for a year (literally) …i cant do it anymore

My average looking non-famous guy friends said theyd choose me no question over that (two saying they didnt find her attractive), but yet the man of my life who stamped his name in music so hard that he has fan girls scrambling in their heels everywhere around the globe chooses to be in an actual relationship with her. Potentially even marriage. The whole thing has felt like a mind fuck for me to wrap my head around and my biggest fears lies in the fact that the only part that makes sense for me exists in his arms

Thre it is. Yearning ache again

I just feel like deep down shes a girl shell of person his persona g-e would have entertained for a night before but now, deep down i just feel like the real Gerald would no way green earth give up his intellect or creative or drive to appease her laziness and ever stay happy about it

Log all these feelings, sleep them off, come out of cocoon, take a hot shower - crawl in bed. Think about how nice if would be in bed with him - under covers naked w him - fall asleep to that

The moment I step into the family, I was blamed for being "the only child in the family." I heard clearly that they labelled me as a spoiled girl, incapable for doing chores, never touch the kitchen thingy. All without me knowing, or at least they thought I dont know the badmouth.

The elders (might) worried that I couldn't take care the husband and (future) kids well. The way they devote themselves as a housewife. The way they define "woman" using their own perspectives.

I really try to prove them wrong. I showed my will to prepare own baby food, paying attention to all nutrition. I clean their plates (even tho I really HATE this). But none are appreciated. Instead, the eyes were screaming: "whats so special? We're also doing it all back in the days?"

But did you deal everything with a thesis defense right on postpartum period? Did you face a constant struggling of attending online lecture while breastfeeding the baby? Waking up every 2 hours to a crying baby and back to school paperwork directly?

My point is, we have our own conditions. We live in a super distinct generation & environment. Why dont we just leave a negative judgement and understand the bigger picture? Or you guys are simply incapable of doing so?

Another day, the bad stereotype is growing.

I banned my kid from any overly sweet & salted snacks before they reach 2. Simply because me & husband live under diabetic family tree. Father-in-law even suffer from kidney failure resulting from a high sugar blood.

But those family trying (again) to test my patience by giving her chocolate and such. I WAS MAD. And this topic was (again) serving as an interesting mock in the family table in the same circumstances: all behind my back or at least they dont aware that I know the talk.

Today, my kid having a tantrum because she's super sleepy (skipping nap) at the very first place and refuse to go home because she saw some interesting play. I talk to her that it's already nighty night. But yea sleepy kid is ofc serving a controlled emotion. Thus she snap back on my suggestion and crying like crazy.

At home, when she's out of control, I'll put her in a secluded space, letting her finish the anger first and talk kindly after. The process is tough because sometimes people cant handle the screaming. Me—after surfing all those parenting books & reels—is super prepared. Things will okay basicly after around 3 to 5 minutes. Kid is calming herself and ready to talk.

But this time, THE WHOLE FAMILY IS OFFERING HAND and stare me with "wth your kid is crying just give them what she wants?" I keep telling them to: "it's okay just lemme handle this by myself and let her release the emotion. She'll be fine. Pls be patience." But being a super nosy elders they are, none of my words were taken. They keep "oow come here with grandma/whoever it is" as if trying to rescue my kid from my lap.

I really wish I could utter some bad words.

Of course my kid sensing a help, she screams louder. And the scream & rescue cycle could never break. In the end, it was me who was pressured to "fulfill what the kid wants."

I'm super mad. This way, she'll never stop crying madly whenever she wants something. And I have to TEACH THE EMOTION CONTROL ALL THE WAY FROM ZERO AGAIN. I decide to leave the house, sitting in the yard corner and refuse to interact with everyone. I couldn't stand longer in this.

All my head was filled with "ah, another moment to bring me down with badmouth." Another values that doesnt fit the family and me being the one to blame.

The tought also travelled to what if I just divorce, the way I dont escalate the mental pain anymore. What will happen to the kid if the parent go separated way. Giving letter to the in-laws which basicly said "please find another perfect wife for your son because I couldnt handle your behavior anymore. Maybe someone from a village, which could be easily value-driven."

The worst part is I even thinking about the suicide. But at this time, I believe that I'd better be here to protect my kid.

I really hate the badmouth tradition in this family. Everytime the siblings sat together during Raya or end-year holiday, there will be someone to mock. Be it an in-laws (1. X only come here to eat but she never do the dishes; 2. Y is a wife of a rich uncle, but she still keep and using old equipments in the house. What a stingy girl; 3. Z is soo out of control; 4. K is sooo sensitive.) or other people from a wider family tree. I hate it. Like, does it benefit you? Does talking behind people will make them change the behavior and follow your path voluntarily?

I could never understand. And please advice me how to get away from this circle.

breakup toolkit

hi klonni bib, its kylie

a little over three months ago i went thru.... A BREAKUP

its been really shitty, not as much anymore but some days are still hard

i really did love him and still do but i eventually realized i needed to move on, not necessarily onto someone else but just something else. this post is kinda more for myself but i present to you the BREAKUP TOOLKIT for anyone who needs it

let yourself cry, but don't reach out to them when you're in "emotion mind" as my therapist calls it, even tho when you let yourself cry and be sad youll probably want to text them

stop thinking about how to win them back or what you could have done for a different end result. its over for now and if youre meant to be together itll happen evenutally. focus on urself for now

take selfies, nothing compares to the sexy post-cry puffy eyes swollen lips selfie, plus u can look back at them later and laugh at how sad you were and appreciate that youre less sad now

avoid sad music for the first few weeks or maybe months. you have enough valid reasons to be sad dont make it worse

do listen to misandrist music (Fiona Apple's When the Pawn has helped me a lot, recommended to me by sophia)

dive back into a hobby you used to fill your time with when you were single

read a book or two (i'm ready everything i know about love, also recommended to me by sophia, and omg it helps so much)

hang out with your friends and celebrate that youll never have to decide between a party with your bf and his friends or watching a movie with the girls (ur bf's friends will never be as nice as your actual friends anyway)

give them their stuff back, stop holding onto that one CD he lent you so you have a reason to see him and return the CD because lord knows youre gonna leave feeling even more disappointed and it's just gonna reopen the wound

avoid places you guys used to hang out especially when he decides to still hang out there everyday

dont go on dating apps for the first few months, no one on hinge is going to be similar enough to your ex to help you get over them and it'll probably just make u want your ex even more

journal, but only when you feel like it. going thru a breakup is a grieving process and sometimes those feelings cant really be expressed in words and thats okay

find a new cafe that youre less likely to see your ex at

get a good vibrator if u dont already have

instead of trying to find someone to replace your ex, look for attractive people the opposite sex of your ex

get the haircut youve been thinking about

document every time you look sexy

remember your previous breakups (if applicable) and remind yourself of how you were able to get over it, and you will be able to get over this one as well

take it day by day

most importantly confide in your friends or whatevrr support system you have it helps 1000000%

this is all i can think of for now but i hope it helps anyone who might stumble across it :)

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

Bye bye July-

My love affair is over.. I went to see him on Friday after work. Anyone who knows me- hardly anyone-haha- knows i go to bed early. I had to work until 9. I was a little concerned about being tired and showing up in a bad mood. I knew it was going to be a late night for me- but i decided to go for it.. I said to myself... as long as its not raining i'll be ok. I much prefer to drive during the day and night driving combined with rain.. just sucks. I head out after work feeling good. windows down, music up. I get on the turn pike and i was truly happy.. i did notice lightening up ahead but thought it was heat lightening and i was super stocked because i thought mother nature was putting on a spectacular show for me. Then, it started.. the rain, treacherous. it was like an omen.. dont go April, dont go.. but onward i went. i pick him up, he tells me he cooked dinner for us and we need to stop at wawa for bread. ok no problem. i'm still in an OK mood.. happy to be at my destination and looking forward to getting to the hotel to relax, have a beer and eat. Now, i had been thinking this man may not be too bright but... i didnt want to judge too harshly, after all he doesnt speak english and so on..we order 2 rolls from wawa.. in spanish and it was almost like he couldnt read.. we get to the hotel and he tells me he is waiting for them to send the key via notification.. earlier in the week he sent me a screen shot with the reservations. we are in the parking lots its 11 something. the key is not coming.. i say lets go in and see whats up- he says he wants to wait. I ask him how long does he want to wait. We go in and the guy says the reservations were not completed online- my friend needs an id to complete them. he doesnt have an id. It was a fucking disaster. we had to go to another hotel..didnt get there until after 12.. i paid. the sex was ok.. i was pissed, but i was like whatever.. i already had it in my head i was done with him.. he made dinner but failed to have eating utensils. luckly i grabbed napkins from wawa. he tells me he wants to take me to NY.. you cant even book a hotel aint no way in hell im going to NY with you. he tells me he went from mexico, arizona to NY. the first time we were together he told me he was in Charlotte.. i ask him about it and he says he never said that. He said it- i have a real big fucking problem with people who say shit and then say they didnt say it.. like a huge problem.. never speak to you again problem.. He tried extra hard because he knew i was upset. he kept asking me if i was still made.. a little. the next day i tell him i am ready to go as i want to get home. he asked me to take him food shopping.. No, i cant do that. He never offered to give me money for the room. I didnt ask.. i honestly wanted to see what he would do. Nope. it is what it is.. i dont know if the whole room thing was intentional.. im assuming yes.. he texted me a few times yesterday one i got home.. i texted him back saying what a shitty thing he did by not offering money for the room and that i didnt want to see him anymore. the end..

AND.. it was fun, but i knew it wasnt what i wanted. between my thinning hair, aging face, saggy body, i dont know how i'll ever meet someone. i'll have to depend on my winning personality. HAHA.. i text these men online and when i am myself, i never hear from them again. its hard to to think that i am the problem. it doesnt matter if im a good person.. i think a lot of guys want a someone who wants them for the things they can provide.. its easier than putting in any kind of effort. I dont think i want too much.. i just dont know if there is anyone in this world like me. i am going to have to fully embrace my singleness.. i havent wanted to do things alone in a while. i guess i am going to have to start or just not do things. I am trying to save money, so there is that and that is an excuse to not go out. My mind goes back to the fact that i wasted so much of my life with someone who never loved me and raising kids who dont love me.. such a fucking waste and i'm so far behind in life and cant image anyone ever loving me and that breaks my heart. that breaks my heart because thats all i really want.. someone to love and who loves me.. someone who consistently shows up.. someone i can count on.. ive never had that.

My friend in work got her xanax filled- actually got a higher dose too. She tells me she is positive Dr W does not have my records- i told her i was kick out of his office- she said the same thing happened to her years ago.. of course i didnt go into detail. she tells me to go, get what i want.. i know she is telling me because she is trying to be my friend.. i wish i had friends who asked me if i worked out today- or offered to go to the gym with me or asked me who much i lifted this week or maybe told me what kind of supplements they take or asked me what i took.. or shit about pre workout of food prep or asked me about my mental health anything other than where to get drugs.. i don't need anyone giving me advice on how to self destruct- i know i am capable of doing that on my own without the help of anyone.. and i know she's not trying to me mean or hurt me or anything like that- she thinks she is helping me by telling me to go see this Dr.. she doesnt know my story and everything that ive been through- and even if i told her, she still wouldn't know my story. maybe its just what i have to deal with because i told her to go see him.. i only did because i was tired of hearing her say xanax would cure all her problems..

I wanted to run on Friday but got stuck at the mechanics.. i didn't run Thursday so wed was the last time i ran and i didn't lift this week and that probably explains why i feel the way i do.

the weirdest thing. coming home from Downingtown.. i started seeing 3's everywhere.. like i made the right decision and i'm on the right path. trust the process.. the process sucks at times.. and its hard to trust anything..

i have to tell Madison Aunt Joanne is sick.I want to do it before my Mom does. i think Maddy has my Mom blocked.. but i really should tell her. weird thing, when i use to cry everyday you couldnt tell.. i would cry on my lunch break and return to work and my eyes looked fine. i haven't been crying and now when i do.. its so noticeable..

I need to get a new couch and get rid of the one i have. I would like to move but everything is so expensive.. i'm not sure what i am going to do.. i guess i'll keep looking and hope that something good comes my way..

do you ever think c!dream was justified in anything he did, and do you think c!dream ever deserved sympathy? I hope this makes sense.

this is hard for me to answer im ngl... In relation to c!Tommy, absolutely not. No sympathy for him in that department. c!Dream is not c!Tommys responsibility. He had no idea that c!Dream was paranoid and lonely and ect, c!Tommy just did dumb chaotic things just like the rest of the server did, how was he supposed to know that c!Dream took that to heart. One of the worst things he did early on the server that no one else did was not give back peoples items after he killed people, but everything else he did was the same as others just with more loudness and swearing.

But in relation to other people like c!Dreams treatment in the prison was horrible, yes he did put himself in that place but he expected to get out after a month or smth. (Also i cant remember exactly but didnt he decide the conditions of the prison?...so he did that to himself? idk) Either way, I feel bad about that. Also, someone said to me once that 'exile broke both ctommy and cdream' cuz its kind of true, exile fueled c!Dreams further derailment and his further need for control, he saw his enemy weak and dependent on him and he felt that power and that seriously messed with him, it was already bad before that but it got worse then. Comparing it to pre-dream getting the revival book, if we take that whole 'tyrant' book he gave to c!Tommy as genuine feelings then its kind of sad that he broke like that and craved control and power out of his need to not be lonely anymore. He wasn't able to break out of that pattern of thinking. Ofc this isn't anyone elses fault, so him blaming c!Tommy is weird objectively but from his pov and feelings, it just kinda shows how broken he was to think that c!Tommy did ruin his life.

Imo the only three things that can be justified was when c!Sapnap and c!Tommy randomly killed him, the first war (dsmp vs l'manberg) and the time he dethroned c!George. I honestly can't think of anything else. Did he deserve sympathy? - I don't know. He didn't deserve all his friends to ditch him. And have sympathy for him during certain moments, but to say he deserved sympathy after doing horrible things would be eh. early dsmp - pogtopia!dream deserved sympathy as well as someone telling him "hey dude you're beefing with a teen thats obvi not as much of a threat as u think he is". exile!Dream and onwards not really but i wouldnt be against him having therapy and leaving ctommy tf alone

Hey hey hey! Sorry for the late reply but I FINALLY WROTE SOMETHING!! literally when you @‘d me the Ray Bradbury quote I was like “welp that’ll do it” and finished the kuroo Drabble. It’s def not my fav but it’s a start! After I wrote that I wrote a Yams story that was originally gonna be a part of a different series that I scrapped. But I really like the idea so I made it a one-shot. I really like it and am proud of it!! I just hope by the time you read this someone else besides me has read it 😅. I don’t Necessarily want it to blow up or anything but starting out as a fanfic writer is hard. How did you do it?

About the books thing growing up I lived with my grandparents and wasn’t really connected to the internet like kids my age were until like 8 (which is still v young but I grew up kinda fast so 8 was like 13 to me I guess) so I just read a lot cause we didn’t have much to do (and talking to people was hard- so books it was) besides watch the same old movies on VHS and play with Polly pockets. A lot of my toys were my aunts who was like a decade older than me as well. All of that was some of the reasons I identified a lot with the gen before me and I remember talking with my (other) aunt whose like nine years older and her friend reminiscing about when they were kids and I was like “ahh I remember those” and she’s like gIRL HOW U WERE LIKE TWO😭 fanfic has ruined actual books for me. Not saying fanfic is way better, and I still like to read actual books, but why get invested in all these new characters when you can read about the ones you already know and love? And plus it’s more convenient then actually carrying a book around.

OOH REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU HOW I ALWAYS GET HIT WITH BALLS AND YOU WERE LIKE HEY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD FANFIC IDEA? well that’s not exactly how it happened but guess what! I’m writting it! I have 630 words down so far so I know it’s at least gonna hit the 1000 mark at the rate I’m going. I’m so excited for you to read it!! Also I may take you up on the editing or what’s it called Beta reading? Where people read it over and give the ok to post? I was gonna do that with the Yams one shot but I was too excited! I will absolutely keep u in mind tho, thank you!!!

And for the thing about the schools and the pillows…I CANT BELIEVE I WAS RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK??? that is so wild to me omg. Also American tv is fucking weird when it comes to sex. Like when I was in high school only a few people had sex and it wasn’t a big deal? I mean I was very introverted and wasn’t popular so I might not be the best resource but still. Maybe it’s a newer thing not to care as much about sex with a more body positive gen or wherever but I don’t really think peer pressure or anything was a big deal. Honestly? Peer pressure in general barely exists anymore. Adults were always like “say no to peer pressure” when it was just one guy offering weed or whatever and a person saying nah and that was IT. I think there was more pressure in feeling left out if anything. The media is so weird portraying teens but we gotta remember- these are old people writting and producing these shows. They also get paid to make it dramatic and not realistic.

I hope everything worked out with your ex boyfriend/boyfriend! And I totally don’t think you are ranting and if you are, shot just call me a therapist LMAO. dating is so fucking messy. Everyone expects it to be certain kind of way and they get anxious when it’s not. People gotta learn that relationship differ for everyone and it’s ok to break up and move on when you feel like things aren’t working out! There doesn’t have to be hard feelings or anything either idk why society has to make breaking up so messy- I know it can be and things don’t always end well but they can end normally and you don’t need to feel bad about doing what’s best for both of y’all. Staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel right Is just bad for both parties. Then again, I’ve never really been in a relationship and I’m still a virgin because I’m demisexual and that strong connection is vital and I’m too fucking busy with my own shit to get that. But I think what I said still stands. Bruh I’ve been reading so much fanfic and while reading I’m like “wow this shit would never happen to me and my shy ass” bUT I STILL WANT A MEET CUTE!!! but I have to remember that I’m reading about anime men who are too good to be real LMAO. I have high standards ig. Finding a partner is gonna be fun. Also I know what you mean when you said being Intimate is hard because girls are taught to always say no to sex for multiple reasons. A. Religion and purity for being a female and slut shaming and B. R*pe and sexual assault. Like I listen to too many true crime stories! I know the statistics! And people just hook up with others??? Wtf??? Idk this might just be my demisexual ass but no thank youuuu

BRO I WISH I HAD SMALL FEET! THEY DONT MAKE CUTE SHOES FOR BIG ASS FEET LIKE MINEEEE. When I was a freshman I learned about how having small feet was attractive in china and how they would bind the feet of women to have small cute feet but I never heard of small feet being lucky. I did hear about big feet meaning big- uh I assume you know where I’m going with that.

I don’t read my journal that much cuz ig makes me wanna cry but I do read it when I feel particularly down. I still have contact with Kylie (I think I called her that- since i used fake names for them both) but we don’t talk much. Sadly I don’t have Daias number which makes me so sad cuz I miss her dearly.

Ok so the murder in my town was kinda on brand for it??? OK LEMME EXPLAIN. I live in an upper middle class town with good schools and such so a lot of wealthy families move here. Some areas of this town are more fancy than others (the farther away from downtown you are- i happen to live pretty close to downtown but ANYWAYS) even some big celebrities mentioned wanting to move here. my town has a pretty uppity spoiled reputation because of that. Like most of the crimes around here are from spoiled brats that get bored and do drugs or rob people. The culprit of this case was spoiled by his mother in every degree as a child and refused to be independent and when his mom cut him off he killed both of his parents and his one sister and her husband (bc the sister kept telling him and Their mom that he needs to get a life.) the sister and her husband live in the town over so technically it didn’t just happen in the town i live in (but!!! My old residental school was IN THAT TOWN! not the same area since they lived in the nice mansion part but still.) I also got lunch with my old teacher (the one with the books) and told her about the case and she original thought I was talking aBOUT A DIFFERENT MURDER! THAT HAPPENED EVEN CLOSER TO ME IN MY TOWN. she’s like “oh is it the case where the lady drowned her kids in the bathtub?” LIKE IM SORRY- WHAT??? she like “oh yeah it happened a lil while ago tho. The college bought the house and now they use it for administration or something since no one wanted to move there.” THIS IS THE SAME COLLEGE RIGHT DOWNTOWN!!! I PROBABLY WALKED PAST IT BEFORE WHEN I GOT LOST GETTING CUPCAKES. ok quick side note- my high school was downtown and we had free lunch where we can go off campus for food and I decided I wanted a cupcake from this cupcake place not that far from the school. Since I didn’t wanna be late I pulled up my old friend google maps to take me back the quickest way- THAT WAS A BAD IDEA!!!!! I ended up wayyyyy out of downtown and into this weird residental housing street soooo far away. I ended up calling my mom like “moooommmm…. I think I’m lost.” And she was like ???? “Aren’t u at school???” THEN I HAD TO SEND MY ADRESS AND SHE PICKED ME UP. I WAS SITTING ON THE SIDEWALK ALL ALONE AND SAD. I WAS LIKE 16!!! my mom wasn’t even mad LMAO. She just sighed and told me to get in. It was a good cupcake tho. ANYWAY BACK TO MURDER- apparently one of her students parents got murdered too or something like a decade ago… LET ME JUST RESTATE THAT I LIVE IN THE MOST PICKET FENCE UPPITY TOWN EVER. I know what I’m saying makes it look all shady but the town i live in is one of the safest towns in the country- let alone my state. It just goes to show a lot of shady things happen when you aren’t looking for them. A quick google search goes a looooong way if you know what I mean- hopefully that doesn’t scare you if it did I’m so sorryyyy lol.

I’ve heard a lot about some famous cases from Japan, like the one about the little girl that killed her classmate (THAT SOUNDS SO BAD OUT OF CONTEXT WTF) or the Kyoto Anime massacre and the Junko Furuta case. The last two are very interesting to me in different ways. The first because I’ve never heard of anything like that happening before and the outcome is very unique? If that is the right word and just different from other arson cases when it comes to the motive and even the aftermath is different, like the perpetrator being the first person to receive a full body artificial skin graft. And because Kyoto Animations is a very big anime company which produced movies and shows that I- a person so far away- has watched before. And the Junko Furuta case was one of the few cases that ever made me cry and stuck with me for a while (that makes me seem so cold blooded I just don’t cry often because when I do EVERYTHING comes out) - but it was some of the most gruesome shit I have ever heard. I feel like the way I’m mentioning them is kinda disrespectful but I don’t want to go into detail about them because A. It’s really depressing for a tumblr ask and B. I wouldn’t do the stories justice. You also probably know about them anyway since you also like true crime and live closer geographically but if not I heard both of these cases from the YouTuber I mentioned a few times before Elenor Neale. Junkos case is kind of similar to one that happened here about a girl named Sylvia Likens, just in terms of sheer brutality.

OK THATS ENOUGH MURDER! but I wish I lived closer to Japan, since my mom told me she’d take me there after I graduated at some point- but she needs to get on a smaller plane first since she’s never been on one and the first one she’s going on will not be the 14 hour flight to Japan. So now I’m kinda just waiting and saving up lol.

I believe you did tell me about hearing voices in your house! Very spooky indeed. One time in a different house, a doll appeared on my bed out of nowhere (apparently it was my aunts who gave me to Polly pockets so that part wasn’t that weird) but the doll had a gold necklace with a smiley face pendant with a big round nose. Everyone says they never seen it before and honestly? I believe them. I have no idea where it came from and I held it close to me (bc spooky things are cool) until my little sister got jealous and broke it smh.

OOOH IM SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR STICKER BUSINESS!!! IT SOUNDS SO COOL! I don’t play Genshin myself but my best friend does so I know some things about it. Her fav character is childe so I know zhongli and how he’s a god of some sort that childe buys everything for. I know there is a best friend duo and one of them hunts ghosts (bc my bestie said they remind her of us) and i know that childe calls everyone comrade and he’s a fatui harbringer with a little brother who thinks he is a toy maker. Oh and pimon (I think is her name) is annoying and Klee is cute and makes bombs. Oh there’s also Ito who’s like an Oni that’s a himbo and Thoma (I like him a lot. He’s cute) with the lil doggo! Your Zhongli sticker is so cute!!!

I’m also glad you take time to chat with me!! It makes me so happy whenever I get these messages. I hope you like my writting! By the time you get this my bokuto fic should be out!!!

And here! Take some cat pics as a treat!

i'm back with a communicable brain. dude, would you believe that i am building a sleigh.. a freaking life sized santa sleigh for christmas?? it's for community competition and i was tasked to build a sleigh and 9 reindeers. ugh, it's fun but very tiring i might be able to show you the sleigh the next time i write to you.

i read feline antics and kuroo in your fic is canon!! omg lol and when you mentioned about yams fic i was like "wait...why is the fic not on my dash (considering that i have few mutuals/following)." then it turns out I DIDN'T FOLLOW YOU?? WHAT THE HECK i swear i thought i did last time i read feline antics but my pea brain forgot or thought i did (i'm very forgetful if you hadn't catch on yet. might as well name myself dori ffs) anyway, so i followed you and saw your yams fic and holy shit??? 6k?? DUDE 6K?? woah, i am so so proud of you because i remember you mentioned to me before that you couldn't write anything/one shots because you always tend to drop them off or left them unfinishes bUT 6K?? DAAAMN. i really like the way you portrayed yamaguchi's anxiety because it's raw, heartfelt in a way that i could feel his worries through your writing. i'm sorry if this entire paragraph is a commentary about your recent works gsmsbsns lol and about beta reading... ARE YOU SURE?? ME?? WHAT AM I?? kidding but i'm always down maybe we can talk over it on discord if you have one (i rarely open my dms here bc opening dms means opening notifications and if im not in the right mood to check notifs i tend to forget to reply to comments, ask games, etc. aghh you know that gsnsbs)

how i started out as a fic writer is not actually a plan lmao after watching haikyuu i reopened my dying tumblr blog bc i know that great artists thrive here so i wanted to check out artworks of haikyuu. then, i saw that a number of blogs writes for haikyuu and i was like "wow fics are still a thing here on tumblr, huh." then i tried writing my own and took my tendency to daydream about my fixations to my advantage. i love thinking about how these set of characters react to a situation (this prolly the reason why i took up psychology as a major lol i love observing people and their personality and behavior) then out of whim i posted. not really thinking of numbers or feedbacks, i posted bc i know that only a few people will get to see it so there are less judgments on me since i'm a beginner writer on this platform. then, as i kept posting more and more people came to my blog. and although now, i still am not a huge blog, it's always good to keep a mindset that you're writing for yourself (tho numbers are rewarding, we get that) and that the people who read your works doesn't know you. you can't be judged based on your writing bc that's just one side of who you are and it also comforts me to think that there people who genuinely enjoy my work. i'll be lying if i say that there are no times where my priorities lean towards writing for my audience. i did at one point but ended on a writer's block lol. if you keep it that way you'll end up burntout (this happened to me too before heh). so, in short, i started writing just because i can and i didn't really thought about the negative things people will think of me, i just did bc i enjoyed it. also, i think consistency plays a huge role in thisㅡnot only to keep people engaged but also to keep writing as a habit. if you make it a habit, your writing gets better and better. that's just based on my experience lol. alsooo tho one year of writing here is still a short-time, i have never encountered anyone calling me a shitty writer and to stop writing because my words are useless and childish LOL what i'm trying to say is worries about people judging you and your work doesn't happen often and if that ever happens, they're the problem, never yours. so yeah i keep that in mind too. AND if that ever happens to you, i'll be on the frontline defending you. leave the roasting to me lol.

about the tv shows and sex (i feel like i have to at least give a topic beforeni start a paragraph bc i reply SO LATE that i feel like you might have forgotten what we were talking about) i agree! it's more of the pressure of being left out. one is pressured to hangout after school because of the fear of not being included in a group. tho i was peer pressure to kiss someone in class for fun but i was like "uhm, nope!" so i made a petty (i think wise *wink*) excuse of going to the comfort room first before doing it but what i did was i went straight home without telling anyone. i am not doing that for their entertainment lol 💀and that's cool kids for you 💀

OH! ex boyfriend... uh.. it's a girlfriend 🤣 everything worked well so thanks! we broke up lmaooooo welp it's for the best. im onto finding a better match i guess lol bruuhh i get the strong connection but besides that i also want someone to balance me out. i'm literally just a speck of dust sometimes, you know floating and minding my own business aka my fixations and hobbies in life. kudos to you tho! you give spot on advice. i mean having zero experience is okay when you give out relationship advices bc to me i think that's a fresh perspective.

yeah, small feet are lucky. small faces are pretty. button noses are pretty. small curvy lips are pretty. everything has to be small to be lucky or pretty but eyes... IT HAS TO HUGE AND DOE-LIKE i swear to fucking god the beauty standard here is ridiculous tho people my age dont usuallu give a fuck about it lol but the older generations OH THEY DO but that doesnt matter we were taught to respect elders and their opinions (as part of our culture) but that doesn't mean we will up to their unrealistic expectations. oh just to mention to you! when i was a kid i was pretty active. i play outside a lot and i love ride my bicycle and do races with my friends. one time my aunt (my father's sister) warned me of not "playing too much" bc my calves will develop man like muscles and it's not a good for a girl to have calf muscles because if i wear a dress and heeled shoes it will show. i was i think 8 or 9 and i was like... sOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT so i went to my mom and told her about it and she was like "what?! she told you that?! that's an exaggeration! just keep cycling or running, don't mind her." (my mom doesnt really care about physical looks whereas my aunts-dad side CARE A LOT) they don't even like women wearing clothes that are too revealing so what i did was i wore a tube on a relative's birthday party. they cant call me out bc they know my dad doesnt care (he even buys me cropped tops) and my mom too. anyway, so yes small ankles and calves are a thing too. IT'S RIDICULOUS I SWEAR.

oh god the murders in your town?? THAT SOUNDS LIKE FROM AMERICAN HORROR STORY OR SMTH. is it not weird that the college bought where the murder took place? like if i were to study there i'll be thinking about it a lot... actually... that sounds a bit like my uni... not exactly my uni but the place where my uni sits. so my country was under a colony before (war times and all that) and the city where my uni is the main city where the locals and foreigners interacted during 1800s and since the woke locals are against the colonization, a lot of them were shot, killed, and thrown to the nearby river. and if you take a few strides from my uni there's like an underground tunnel recently discovered that turned into a tourist spot. it's downright creepy because the way down to the tunnel and the tunnel itself is sketchy tight, the way/tunnel leads to a huge boxed underground like a deadend. my friends and i went afterclass and when we reached the dead end we looked up and see like a railing(?) idk how to describe it but other tourists were shock that people are piling underground and they can see us. apparently, that hole used to be a prison for locals who fought for our freedom (and other criminals too) they were kept and stuck undergound, left them there to die (die of starvation and stuff). it was creepy bc i was literally standing where almost hundreds of people died and i didn't know. we only knew of it when we reached the dead end. as it turns out, there are many other tunnels with the same structure near the place. sooo yeah.

omg speaking of the two japanese murders you mentioned i dont know about them so ill check it out!! and about your cupcake incident OMG THATS SO CUTE WTH IM SORRY FOR LAUGHIN but i just think its adorable that you ended up lost for a good cupcake. cant blame you tho i loveee a good cupcake. where you able to get back in class without an earful?

ahhhh i live near japan but i can't fly there yet bc of school (but since i graduated who knows heh). you know how crazy asian schools are? yes, they're crazy. so my family and i barely have time to travel outside of the country without taking a week off from school. we traveled once before to two countries it was hongkong and vietnam but i had to file a one week leave (it was tedious with all the papers i have to submit and all that ugh) and thank god that one week is just school festival week so i didnt miss anything besides the fun. that was in elementary but came middle school and high school.. heckkk after class study sessions is real like the one in anime especially if you're a senior. i remember my mom's friend being a math teacher so every summer i go to their place to train my skills in math and i'm begging my mom not to drop me off to their place 💀 imagine spending summer solving math problems HA! still, i'm never the best in math lol

thanks for the wishes i hope to launch my sticker shop soon apparently i hae forgotten my skills on photoshop HA HA HA and i'm trying to recall my lessons on it BUT FUCKKK anyway you a lot for someone who doesnt play genshin if you ever plan on playing it soon let me know!! i would love to know (its funny how you mentioned almost all daddies of genshin bc saaaame ughh childe supreme sugardaddy and a meme)

here are some haikyuu stickers i made recently it isnt final yet butttt here have a look!

WHY ARE YOUR CATS SO PHOTOGENIC?? THEYRE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL AND SOOO CALMING TO LOOK AT!! THATS UNFAIR bc momo knows when a cam is pointed at her and she just runs away. and the huge pikachu too!! I WANT THAT AAAHHH

here have momo sitting on the sleigh im working on hehe

sorry for the long wait but i lovee writing to you whenever i receive a message from you i get all excited! you're a good communicator and thanks for waiting for my replies since i take eons to do so. i hope you keep writing!! i'll always be here to support a friend and a fellow writer. cheers!