#someday ill be able to do it without copying from a reference
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I know I always swear I'll post more and then I go silent for months. So, have some drawing practices. I found images on pinterest and copied them. I did the ones on paper while waiting for my tablet to charge. I did not trace!!
#art#sketch#practice#drawing#drawing practice#these took way too long#but they look a lot like my references#so im happy#they look a lot better when I have t been staring at them for hours#im actually satisfied#someday ill be able to do it without copying from a reference#references are good#but they shouldn't be a crutch#i'm hungry#hi skully!
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Some Tweets Remember Keiji Fujiwara
Keiji Fujiwara died of cancer at the age of 55. The news was devastating for the seiyuu community. Many seiyuu are remembering and looking back on their times with Fujiwara and the impact he made on them. A lot of anime I’ve watched wouldn’t have been the same without Fujiwara. From Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood to Dr. Stone, he shaped a lot of characters that I look back and smile thinking about.
The following were all translated by @granblue_en on Twitter.
Takuya Eguchi
[original tweet | translation source]
Kaori Nazuka
[original tweet | translation source]
Tetsuya Fukuhara (creative director, Granblue Fantasy)
[original tweet | translation source]
Emiri Katou
[original tweet | translation source]
Yuuki Ono
[original tweet | translation source]
Madoka Yonezawa
[original tweet | translation source]
Tomoyo Kurosawa
[original tweet | translation source]
Koichi Haruta (former producer)
[original tweet | translation source]
Minoru Shiraishi
[original tweet | translation source]
Yuuichi Nakamura
[original tweet | translation source]
The following were translated by lig0schndr on Reddit
Ayana Taketatsu
Tomokazu Seki
Megumi Ogata
Mariya Ise
Nobunaga Shimazaki
Showtaro Morikubo
Marina Inoue
Romi Park
Natsuki Hanae
Toshiyuki Toyonaga
Kazuhiko Inoue
Yuki Kaji
Hiroki Yasumoto
Jouji Nakata
Katsuyuki Konishi
Shouta Aoi
Kensho Ono
Noriko Hidaka
Rie Tanaka
Kikuko Inoue
Ami Koshimizu
Megumi Han
Arisa Komiya
Ryotaro Okiayu
Kenjiro Tsuda
Nozomi Yamamoto
Kanako Kondo
Haruka Kudo
Hitomi Harada
Miyu Tomita
Wataru Hatano
Atsushi Abe
Suzuko Mimori
Atsuko Tanaka
Aya Suzaki
Sayaka Ohara
Asami Imai
Daisuke Hirakawa
Hikaru Akao
Yui Ishikawa
Toa Yukinari*
Kotono Mitsuishi*
Nobuhiko Okamoto (blog)
Nana Mizuki (blog)
Toshiyuki Morikawa (blog)
Satoshi Hino (blog)
Tatsuhisa Suzuki (blog)
Chie Nakamura (blog)*
* not translated
Taketatsu Ayana (Taketatsu and Fujiwara both voiced characters in Dagashi Kashi and co hosted a series of bonus videos released with the Blu-rays of the series)
Fujiwara Keiji-san.
When we had a photograph session together for a TV show, even though you said, "I'm shy, so I can't really talk much," after the session started and I was nervous you kindly threw me a lifeline and chatted with me a lot, and even at live events and such you've saved me so much.
I wanted to spend more time with you.
I wanted to thank you directly.
_______
Seki Tomokazu (Seki and Fujiwara both voiced characters for the same series several times including PSYCHO-PASS, Sengoku BASARA, and Hajime no Ippo)
The way you looked when you came to the studio with your script sticking out of your back pocket was so cool, and I often copied you. When we went to karaoke together, I would put on a song that had a video of your acting as a prank and put you in a bind so many times. I wanted to play around with you again. This feels too soon... Fujiwara-san. Truly, thank you for everything.
_______
Ogata Megumi
I've had the honor of working with you on various, many sets but... my strongest impression, is actually not from an anime, but from the drama CD "Radical Hospital".
Dr. Sakaki... Please say it's a joke like you always do...?
Fujiwara Keiji-san.
Truly, thank you for everything.
Please rest peacefully.
_______
Ise Mariya (Ise and Fujiwara both voiced main characters in HUNTER X HUNTER, and Ise references Fujiwara's role as Leorio in this tweet)
What I remember is
His white shirt and the sunglasses he wore
His gallant figure standing before the microphone
His bashful smile when having friendly conversations
His stylish behavior when everyone goes drinking
Both his voice and his acting were so cool
Everything about him was wonderful
Keiji-san really felt like Leorio to me
I have so many pleasant and fun memories
Thank you so much
_______
Shimazaki Nobunaga
Fujiwara Keiji-san, I pray from my heart that you rest in peace.
_______
Morikubo Showtaro
The tears won't stop.
_______
Inoue Marina
His voice, his acting, his smile, I loved them all.
_______
Park Romi (Park and Fujiwara both voiced important characters in Fullmetal Alchemist)
He just recovered...
Be it with Hagane, or Muji, or FA
he was everyone's older brother...
He truly was
Lieutenant Colonel Hughes.
Early
Far too early...
Kei-chan
You fought hard against what ailed you...
Please rest well...
Your casual comments
Even now I treasure.
Tonight I honor you...
I pray you rest in peace...
Notes: I'm not positive, but I believe in regards to the second line
"Hagane" likely refers to the first airing of Fullmetal Alchemist in 2003 that used the title 「鋼の錬金術師」 (Hagane no Renkinjutsushi).
"Muji" seems like it refers to Zoids, the first Zoids anime series that is often referred to colloquially as "Muji Zoids", "No Label Zoids", to differentiate it from other Zoid series. In this series, Fujiwara voiced Irvine, a main supporting character and older brother figure to the main characters.
"FA" likely refers to the second airing of Fullmetal Alchemist in 2009 that used the titled 「鋼の錬金術師 FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST」 and thus is sometimes referred to as "FA".
_______
Hanae Natsuki
This is too sad...
_______
Toshiyuki Toyonaga
My heart aches...
The words won't come out...
_______
Inoue Kazuhiko
Eh, Fujiwara Keiji... No way. It's too early. I remembered well the times we worked together in the studio. It's too early. I'm so saddened.
_______
Kaji Yuuki (Kaji and Fujiwara both voiced characters for the same series several times including Magi and Shingeki no Kyojin)
Keiji-san. I wanted to talk with you more.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if I had a father like you,
if I could become a man like you, that kind of stuff, always, I thought to myself...
I should have told you so.
I wanted to talk with you more. I'm full of regret.
I want to see you.
_______
Yasumoto Hiroki
Words don't suffice.
He was cool. Truly.
We had talked about him visiting my place and drinking some unopened wine.
_______
Nakata Jouji First tweet, and reply
He was shy and gave off the impression that he didn't like superficial relationships, but when I tried talking to him he replied with a bashful smile, that's what I recall. When I heard he returned to work and was doing independent work, I thought on my own that he was doing well, but...
You must have had it hard, huh. However, you weren't the kind of person to say that out loud...
You stayed true to yourself until the very end. I pray for you.
I wanted to meet with you and talk with you again.
_______
Konishi Katsuyuki
No way. When I was a fledgling, because his place was in the neighborhood he invited me for a meal, and I was really happy about that. I wanted to meet with you again.
_______
Shouta Aoi
I can no longer meet you again.
By all means, I wanted to meet you again.
Just how much encouragement I received from the acting of that wonderful voice I grew accustomed to hearing from a young age.
From now on and always
that wonderful voice of yours
will remain in our hearts and ears.
Thank you for all the wonderful times you gave us.
_______
Ono Kensho
Fujiwara Keiji-san.
He really is cool, and he is someone I look up to. We have the same birthday, and on my own I felt like we had an affinity... I pray from my heart that you rest in peace.
_______
Hidaka Noriko
Fujiwara-san...
I thought I could meet you again someday at the studio, truly unfortunate.
Thank you for everything.
Please rest in peace...
_______
Tanaka Rie
Fujiwara Keiji-san...
The last time we met was during the recording for the Granblue Fantasy game...
I pray from my heart that you rest in peace.
_______
Inoue Kikuko
Kei-chan, I'm so sad.
You fought against illness for a long time... You truly gave it your all. Please rest well in heaven.
I won't forget your shy, bashful, and kind smile.
_______
Koshimizu Ami (Koshimizu and Fujiwara both voiced important characters in Eureka 7, and Koshimizu references her role as Anemone and Fujiwara's role as Holland in this tweet, as well as Tsujitani Kouji who voiced Dewey Novak in Eureka 7 and passed away in 2018)
Dewey and Holland, please stay a little longer.
I want you to stay. I wanted you to stay.
If you're not there, we can't fly freely...
Because you were there, we were able to live freely.
Thank you
but I still don't want to say goodbye.
Sorry that Anemone is like this.
If I could say one selfish thing
please come back...
_______
Han Megumi (Han and Fujiwara both voiced main characters in HUNTER X HUNTER, and Han references Fujiwara's role as Leorio in this tweet)
Just last night, during HUNTER's rebroadcast, we just saw off Leorio as he departed for his trip, Fujiwara-san.
Family and comrade, always thinking of his friends and a warm man, a perfect fit, my beloved senpai.
Always with the message title "Miss lovely forehead"
https://www.instagram.com/p/B_CUIyQAKMX/?igshid=14scn4kzgey86
Forever, and ever...
_______
Arisa Komiya
Fujiwara Keiji-san.
I had the honor of working with you for 1 year on Go-Busters, you were always so cool on set, it was my first dubbing experience and I learned so much from you.
I wanted to work with you again.
I pray from my heart that you rest in peace.
_______
Ryotaro Okiayu
I participated in "Hoshi Koe" at the Saitama venue last year, and you attended, Fujiwara-san.
I read your letters.
The last time I met you was back stage there.
It had been several years before then.
That's how it goes.
Thanks so much for everything.
Note: Hoshi Koe is the name of a series of events held in Japan by AIR AGENCY, a talent management and production company founded by Fujiwara Keiji in 2006.
_______
Kenjiro Tsuda
His white shirt
His light colored sunglasses
His cynical smile
His casual way of walking into the studio
His unshaven face
His still shadow at Planetarium
His husky voice
His retreating figure as he left
His appearance in a coat when he slowly spoke in his last moments
was cool
Thank you so much
Note: Planetarium is likely also referencing Hoshi Koe, which was held at planetariums in various cities in Japan.
_______
Yamamoto Nozomi
We acted together for the first time in UN-GO, and a while later when I greeted you at another set, you remembered me, saying, "I've met you before, right?" After that, when on the set for Utawarerumono you noticed my Ironman iPhone case and chatted with me, I was truly happy about each and every thing. I pray that you rest in peace.
_______
Kondo Kanako
I can't believe it.
I really liked your cool roughness.
Fujiwara-san. I pray that you rest in peace.
_______
Kudou Haruka
Is it because of the air pressure that my head hurts, or because I cried too much that my head hurts, I can't sort out my feelings. However, more than these sad feelings, I want to say so many times, "thank you."
Fujiwara-san.
We were together for my seiyuu debut work "Honey and Clover", and from there with "Noein" and "DEATH NOTE", our work together continued. I didn't know my right hand from my left, and you gave me so much advice.
On set you always spoiled me, listening to my trivial chatter with a smile.
I entered college, and even when I cut off all ties to the industry up to that point and distanced myself from work, every half a year you would send me a message asking "Are you doing all right?"
I entered my fourth year of college, and when I said to you, "I want to return to work!" you got a little angry, but you earnestly heard me out. Even though I caused trouble to a lot of people, you saying "Welcome Back!" with a smile has always supported me.
4 years after returning to work, when I was worried that I wasn't doing as well as I had hoped, you said "It'll be all right!" and gave me a push on the back, and I was able to move forward.
I really have been spoiled by you for so so long.
You taught me so many things, I couldn't hope to write them all out.
About acting, about movies, about novels, about life.
Even now I still have the novel I received from you right on my bookshelf. From now on, every time I watch a Kubrick or Victor Erice movie, I feel I will remember you.
The fact that there will no longer be replies to my messages, and the fact that I can no longer see you, really really make me sad, but you will always be in my heart. It's all right. I'm an adult now, too. I want to become an adult like you, someone who is loved by many, and someone who can guide others.
Thank you so much.
_______
Harada Hitomi (Harada and Fujiwara both voiced characters for Senran Kagura, and Harada references Fujiwara's role as Kiriya in this tweet)
Keiji-san. Kiriya-sensei.
I've been helped, so much by you.
Thank you so much.
_______
Tomita Miyu
Fujiwara Keiji-san, I had the honor of acting together with you for the first time in Kotobuki Hikoutai. Warm, and yet mischievous, I truly loved acting with that voice of yours.
I pray from my heart that you rest in peace.
_______
Hatano Wataru
Fujiwara Keiji-san.
Across various works, I've been in your debt.
When you called me for "Hoshi Koe", I was really happy.
The warm advice from a senpai I look up to, and the smile after a recording session.
I couldn't possibly forget.
I pray that you rest in peace.
_______
Abe Atsushi
I've been in your debt since when I debuted.
I see... We can't act together anymore...
_______
Mimori Suzuko
I'm thankful that I had the honor of working on the same set as you.
Thank you so much.
_______
Tanaka Atsuko
It's a sad sunset...
_______
Suzaki Aya
I'm truly saddened.
_______
Ohara Sayaka
It's a lie
_______
Imai Asami
............
_______
Hirakawa Daisuke
Keiji-san... Keiji-san...
I'm so sad... I want to see you... Keiji-san...
Hirakawa Daisuke
_______
Akao Hikaru (Akao and Fujiwara both voiced characters for Back Street Girls, and Akao references this in this tweet)
I'm still in disbelief even after a new day has dawned
and I can't quite get the right words.
I feel like a hole opened up in my heart.
Since I was young through anime
you showed me this fun world
and as a member of Gokudols, I looked forward to the day I could meet you again.
I pray that you rest well.
_______
Ishikawa Yui (Ishikawa and Fujiwara both voiced characters for Shingeki no Kyojin, and Ishikawa references Fujiwara's role as Hannes in this tweet)
[Yui] That voice that I heard so many times when I was a child. Shingeki's Hannes-san was also, rough, cool, and warm... I loved him. Fujiwara Keiji-san, I pray that you rest in peace.
_______
Yukana
I wanted to act together with you more.
Thank you so much...
I pray that you rest in peace.
_______
Okamoto Nobuhiko
Title: I'm sorry
I was planning to talk about trust and play today, but I hope you'll allow me to do that tomorrow.
I had the honor of doing my first radio show with him.
When I was unable to speak well, he laughed at me.
When we were recording for the Ao no Exorcist movie and from the start all I was capable of was shouting, he laughed at me.
When I kept wearing the same clothes on the set of To Aru, he laughed at me.
When I look back on things, it might have been sarcastic laughing, but I only remember the figure of him laughing.
And, I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble.
His appearance as an actor, the way he thought about and interpreted the script, what he brought forth, I received so much encouragement and experience from him.
Keiji-san,
Truly, truly, thank you so much.
I really I love you.
Thank you for everything.
I pray from my heart that you rest in peace.
Notes:
The radio show Okamoto references I believe is "Sorairo Radio", a radio show promoting the anime "Sola" that aired from 2007/3/30 to 2007/7/27 for 19 episodes. During the month of July Okamoto and Fujiwara co-hosted the show.
Okamoto and Fujimura voiced Okamura Rin, the protagonist, and Fujimoto Shiro, Rin's adoptive father, respectively in Ao no Exorcist.
Okamoto and Fujimura voiced Accelerator, a main supporting character, and Kihara Amata, something of a mentor figure to Accelerator, respectively in To Aru Majutsu no Index.
_______
Mizuki Nana
Title: The carnation that arrived at my house 2 weeks ago ☆
At my last place, even plants said to be robust I ended up letting die (>_<)
However, ever since I started living at my new place
my plants have been really lively! My care for flowers especially has gotten better!
Proper ventilation and sunlight really are important after all (laugh)
https://www.mizukinana.jp/blog/photos/2020/blog/nana_phot_20200416.jpg
I found out about Fujiwara Keiji passing away.
I had the honor of working together with him for various works,
during my first public performance at Tokyo Dome he provided wonderful narration,
and at the planetarium in my home prefecture I had the honor of performing together with him...
Truly I was blessed with so many irreplaceable experiences.
I pray from my heart that you rest in peace.
Notes:
The performance at Tokyo Dome is referencing NANA MIZUKI LIVE CASTLE 2011, a series of live concerts performed at Tokyo Dome by Mizuki Nana on 2011/12/3 and 2011/12/4. Fujiwara provided narration for a short film called PLANETARIUM "Princess Nana of the Heavens" (PLANETARIUM「天界の奈々姫」) which was shown during the concert on both days.
The performance at the planetarium is referencing when Fujiwara and Mizuki co-starred in a Hoshi Koe performance held on 2016/4/24 at the Matsuyama City General Community Center Cosmo Theater. Matsuyama is the capital of the Ehime Prefecture, and Mizuki Nana was born in Niihama, Ehime. Mizuki had also made two blog posts about enjoying rehearsing for the event with Fujiwara and celebrating the successful completion of the event.
_______
Morikawa Toshiyuki
Title: Fujiwara Keiji-san...
Fujiwara Keiji-san...
I pray you rest in peace.
It's too sudden.
My mind is a mess.
Even though I'm someone who works at my own pace...
... Right now, I'm overcome with feelings of loss.
From the time when I was a newcomer, we've been walking together through the ages for over 30 years.
As an actor, and as a president, you were truly a friend...
Since you were young you were shy and cool,
overflowing with chivalry,
an existence that even men were charmed by
that is "Fujiwara Keiji"
..., It's so painful... the words won't come out.
I'm sorry.
I feel that you really must have had it tough fighting against your illness.
Now, please rest well.
And, the letters you sent me I will always cherish.
Morikawa Toshiyuki
_______
Hino Satoshi
Title: Keiji-san...
Keiji-san...
It's a lie, right...?
It's a joke, right...?
This... is too sad...
Keiji-san
as a person, as a man, as an actor, you were someone who I respected from the bottom of my heart.
Everything about you was cool, you were someone I admired.
I wanted to learn more and more about various things from you.
Even now I clearly remember the time when on the set of the anime "Shakugan no Shana," as the role of the father, Kantarou, you kindly covered up for and accepted my terrible acting.
Keiji-san,
"Dad, thank you so much for everything up to now"
While reflecting on each and every thing I learned from you, I will devote myself towards the sake of the future of the seiyuu industry.
I pray you rest in peace.
Note: Hino and Fujimura voiced Sakai Yuuji, the protagonist, and Sakai Kantarou, Yuuji's father, respectively in Shakugan no Shana.
_______
Suzuki Tatsuhisa
Title: Letter
I hate the idea of something getting overshadowed without anyone knowing about it, so I will write about it here.
Since we first met when I was 19, I've been in your debt for a long time. Since before we started having work together, you'd hear out my concerns and give me advice, and go along with my selfish requests to take me along for drinks. Even though you'd always say, "Waddaya want now, Tattsun," you'd always keep your promises. Whenever we met at the studio you'd always be giving off a pleasant, lazy mood. When you were the sound director you'd say things like "Tattsun, you're the only person I can ask for this," things that I couldn't tell if you were being serious or not.
It's only now that I can say this, but I took you seriously every time, and every time I was seriously happy you asked me. The fact that you said those things to me.
Sometimes I'd tell you about how people say that our voices or our acting are similar, and even though you'd reply by saying stuff like, "What? That's gross," behind your sunglasses I could see that the look in your eyes always softened happily. I like chatting in the smoking area, so anytime I'd spot you I'd head straight there.
When you'd say, "Yo!" to me, it was a little embarrassing, but I was always happy you did.
I won't talk about acting.
That's something I'll keep locked away in my heart.
I know you had it tough.
However, I stopped talking about it.
Since you hate that.
All I can remember, is you always saying, "Yo! Tattsun," every time you saw me.
Gimme a break, let me remember something else, too.
Thank you for always listening to my selfish requests.
Thank you for always listening to both my trivial ramblings and my serious talks.
I always thought you were an annoyingly cool old man.
You were always the best.
You were always the strongest.
Everything about you is cool.
So I envy you.
When I go over there, I'm gonna have a ton of stories for you. Before I do, please make sure to find some good sake and tobacco over there. It might take a while, but I'm definitely going to have, a ton I want to talk to you about.
It's about time I wrapped things up.
This is a letter that will never be read by its recipient, after all, so there's no point in going on for too long.
Let's meet again with a smile.
Anytime, anywhere.
With love.
#fujiwara keiji#seiyuu#kaji yuki#toyonaga toshiyuki#shimazaki nobunaga#seki tomokazu#ogata megumi#morikubo showtaro#ise mariya#hanae natsuki#nakamura yuuichi
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Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender
This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing
#Trans#nonbinary#nb#genderqueer#gender questioning#transmed#pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm#also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af#im on mobile#its 4 am I cba
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New Releases 11/7/17
Happy New Release Day!
In Books
--Descending Stories: Showa Genroku Rakugo Shinju Volume 4 by Haruko Kumota
“After Sukeroku’s expulsion, Kikuhiko’s path to stardom seems clear, but the idea of inheriting the Yakumo name is a cold comfort. Sukeroku, disgraced, makes the heartbreaking decision to put his art aside and take responsibility for his new relationship with Miyokichi. As years pass and distance grows, Kikuhiko decides it’s up to him to bring his friend back to the theater. His determination takes him to the country, where Sukeroku now lives with his spirited young daughter. Kikuhiko is ready to stay as long as he needs to convince Sukeroku, but old wounds may come back to haunt them both.”
I haven’t had a chance to pick up volume 3 yet because we did not get a copy in where I work. And I haven’t had a chance to order it yet either.
--Fantastic Beasts Illustrated Edition
When I first head about this illustrated edition I thought it was going to be of the movie Fantastic Beasts so I wasn’t very interested in this one. But it turns out it is for all of the creatures mentioned throughout the HP universe. Now I really want this one. Just not sure when I’ll be able to.
--My Hero Academia Volume 10 by Kohei Horikoshi
“The League of Villains has kidnapped Bakugo, and the resulting negative publicity has thrown U.A. into a huge uproar. With the public’s trust in heroes threatened, the faculty convenes to figure out what to do. But Midoriya and the students of Class 1-A have plans of their own - an operation to rescue Bakugo that could get them thrown out of school.”
Picking up right where volume 9 ended. Midoriya and his crew try to take back Bakugo but fail. And a few pro heroes are lost in the conflict. After their recovery in the hospital some of Class 1-A devise a plan to legally (meaning without using their powers) to try and save Bakugo. Which sounds like a bad idea all around.
It’s a really good volume that ends on an evil cliffhanger. I need volume 11 but that won’t be out till 2/6/18.
--Perfect Shadow by Brent Weeks
“Gaelan Starfire is a careful, quiet, simple farmer. He’s also an immortal, peerless in the arts of war. Over the centuries, he’s worn many faces to hide his gift, but he is a man ill-fit for obscurity.
When Gaelan must take a job hunting down the world’s finest assassins for the beautiful courtesan and crime lord Gwinvere Kirena what he finds may destroy everything he’s ever believed in.”
I HAVE BEEN WAITING YEARS FOR THIS MOMENT. I love Brent Week’s Night Angel Trilogy so when I heard there was a prequel novella I was pretty excited. Until I noticed it was ebook only; after a brief limited printing run that I found out much later on. But after waiting and waiting, it is back in print. Right when I was about to break down and buy it digitally. I am ecstatic to finally have it to go with the others. Now I just wish I had the trilogy in hardcover. I just have them in the mass market paperback box set.
It includes the novella Perfect Shadow and a Night Angel short called I, Night Angel.
--Renegades by Marissa Meyer
“The Renegades are a syndicate of prodigies - humans with extraordinary abilities - who emerged from the ruins of a crumbled society and established peace and order where chaos reigned. As champions of justice, they remain a symbol of hope and courage to everyone...except the villains they once overthrew.Nova has a reason to hate the Renegades, and she is on a mission for vengeance. As she gets closer to her target, she meets Adrian, a Renegade boy who believes in justice - and in Nova. But Nova's allegiance is to a villain who has the power to end them both.“
From the author of the Lunar Chronicles series comes a new series. I really like the Lunar Chronicles. I recommend it a lot at work. Though I still need to finish it. Cress (book 3) has been sitting on my shelf for a little while but I’ve been trying to focus on the arcs I have. And have been failing. Anyway, I really like her other series and am excited to try out a new series by her.
--Twinkle Star Volume 4 by Natsuki Takaya
“The second semester of school is starting, and Chihiro's kinder attitude toward Sakuya is making her heart race! When he recommends her a book to read, she's positively overjoyed. But on the way home from a night of stargazing with the Star Appreciation Club, Chihiro suddenly approaches her! What does he want to talk about...?”
After this just one more volume of this series should remain. I still haven’t had time to go past volume 1 of this series. I’ve had to put a lot of series on hold while I tried to cut back during the second half of this year. I will pick it back up again someday. Hopefully by next year.
In Movies/TV Shows
--Cheer Boys
“Catch an exciting new take on the high-flying team sport, inspired by a real all-male squad in Japan. When Haruki Bando and his friend Kazuma leave judo martial arts, no one would have guessed they would turn to cheerleading! Rocking the college campus with a killer routine, these amateurs manage to draw in a crowd and enough new members to compete in regionals.”
I started streaming this on Funimation during its season. I watched about half before I got into another gaming kick and haven’t picked it up again yet. I did like what I saw of it but it probably isn’t my favorite sports series. But I think it is still worth checking out.
--Project Ito: Genocidal Organ
“In Genocidal Organ, while developed countries rely on advanced surveillance to free them from the threat of terrorism, other nations are plagued by genocide within their own borders. Strangely, these massacres all link back to one American by the name of John Paul. Special agent Clavis Shepherd is sent to capture the target, but nothing can prepare this soldier—or the world—for the truth behind humanity’s darkness.”
The third and final Project Ito film. At least for now. I have been waiting on this one ever since the films were announced. I did watch Empire of Corpses and enjoyed it. Though I need to rewatch it soon because when I first watched it I was exhausted from work and kept having to rewind cause I kept nodding off for a few minutes at a time. I finally picked up Harmony a few months back but haven’t had time to start it yet.
--Revolutionary Girl Utena Set 2
“Utena and Anthy have become close during their time as roommates. So when Anthy casually mentions she has a brother, Utena can’t help but feel shocked. She thought she knew Anthy, but the longer she and Anthy are friends, the more she discovers she doesn’t know. What other secrets could Anthy be keeping? However, Utena won’t have time to dwell upon such matters. A new group of duelists has emerged from the shadows. These new challengers wear black rose signets and also seek revolution, but their methods are different than those of Ohtori’s Student Council. They don’t wish to possess Rose Bride. They are want kill her.”
Set 2 of the 20th Anniversary is now out. Contains episodes 13-24 of this great series. I have only seen it once all the way through. It is one of those series that you’ll have to watch over and over to get all the references and to catch all the imagery it contains.
--Westworld S1
“Set at the intersection of the near future and the reimagined past, explore a world in which every human appetite, no matter how noble or depraved, can be indulged without consequence.”
Season 1 of this series is out today. I don’t have the channel that it is on so I haven’t had a chance to check it out yet. I’ve heard nothing but great things about so I can’t wait to try it out sometime. Though I would like to watch the movie it is based on before I try out the show. I have heard the soundtrack before because we used to have it as an in-store-play where I work. It is an awesome soundtrack. It was a staff favorite and we played it a lot.
--Your Name
“Mitsuha and Taki are complete strangers living separate lives until they suddenly switch places. Mitsuha wakes up in Taki’s body, and he in hers. This occurrence happens randomly, and they must adjust their lives around each other. Yet, somehow, it works. They build a connection by leaving notes for one another until they wish to finally meet. But something stronger than distance may keep them apart.”
Was very disappointed when this came out in theaters because it never came anywhere close to where I live. I don’t think it played anywhere in my state for that matter. I did pick up a copy because I want to know if it really is worth the hype. I haven’t watched it yet because I decided to wait till my friend and I could get together to watch it together.
There is a standard version (DVD and a combo pack) as well as an LE. The LE, “contains two-piece double-sided collectible chipboard box with rainbow holographic finish.” Like what they did for Death Parade’s LE. Which both are nice but makes me nervous that it would fall out if I picked it up wrong. It also comes with a 60 page art booklet, an art digipack, and a two disc OST. The second OST is shorter. It has five songs; if I remember correctly, that are sung in English by RADWIMPS.
#new releases#descending stories: showa genroku rakugo shinju#haruko kumota#fantastic beasts#harry potter#my hero academia#kohei horikoshi#perfect shadow#brent weeks#night angel trilogy#Lightbringer Series#renegades#marissa meyer#lunar chronicles#Twinkle Star#Natsuki Takaya#fruits basket#cheer boys#project ito#genocidal organ#revolutionary girl utena#westworld#your name#books#anime#viz manga#sci fi books#ost#soundtrack
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CORRUPTUS
[directory]
graven images.
[source] [triggers]
If you really believe in something, it can be yours.
That's how we've been conditioned to think. Mostly, I suppose it's a coping mechanism to keep us from eating the rich. We all think we'll be rich someday if we just want it hard enough. How long has it been since there was a good, old-fashioned culling of the wealthy elite?
That probably wasn't a good way to start this blog post... I'm more than a little tired, but fuck it. I'm leaving it.
"Corruptus".
That was the subject of an email I received before my ISP dropped me. My phone turned into a brick the same day. Hell, I think it was the same precise moment, though it's difficult to know for sure since I only tried it after my laptop couldn't connect.
"Corruptus"... I'd never heard the word before, and to be honest I'm not exactly sure it IS a word at all. It could be Latin. It sounds like Latin. I haven't been able to look it up, and this is the first time I'm getting on the web since my unexpected removal from the grid.
I tried to sign on at the local library, by the way. My card was revoked... unpaid late fees for books I'd never read, much less checked out. Mostly borderline fetish material and self-help books for various mental illnesses. The apparently quite detailed tome on weapons of mass destruction seemed to be of the most concern for the librarian.
I hung around the library for maybe a half an hour, until someone left a computer logged in and unguarded. When I went to check my email, to tweet a complaint about what happened, those accounts were gone, as well. Honestly, I was a pretty huge dumbass for expecting them to be there.
It wasn't long before I noticed the computer's rightful user pointing me out at the front desk. I guess she wasn't a fan of the direct approach. I was out the door before anyone could cause a real fuss.
It's been over two years since I left Mowgli's Palace and never looked back.
The original blog post has come and gone so much... across so many different sites... that I can barely even remember the first place I tried to host it. If I'd known how far this would go, I don't know if I would've been able to hack out that clumsy, flawed account of what happened. The pressure would've been too great, and I suppose there's a certain level of comfort in the idea no one will actually see or care about your work.
It seems like a lot of sites removed the information, either upon direct request from Disney... or on their own in fear of reprisal. I know a really popular YouTuber who pulled readings of my posts from his channel. The rumor was that someone threatened to sue him, some supposed "author" of the "story". Bullshit. I know first-hand that he took it down in a bout of pants-shitting fear when he realized Disney's connection to his partner company.
I tried to keep up my "After Abandoned" blog for a while. I don't know how many people out there saw my notes on Room Zero, Club 22, and so on. They're still around if you look... at least at the time of this writing.
Yes, "Club 22" exists. No, it's not a typo of "Club 33". I later learned, from the same contact, that there's an 11 as well, and supposedly the debauchery only grows as the numbers get lower. I heard of a "Club 00", but I can't confirm that as clearly as I can with the previous contact. I also don't know if it has any connection to the "Room" of a similar name.
Yes, the door probably said "Characters" or "Cast Members" instead of "Mascots". I know, I know, I hear you all. Thank you so much for that. I'm sure your memory is crystal clear in moments of abject terror, right?
Overall, I'm glad that my words have spread so far and wide... but the down side is that so few of you are taking this seriously. I can't stress this enough... Treasure Island? Real. The Utilidors? Real. Just because you can't substantiate the rest doesn't mean it's "a cool story". Instead of picking apart the inaccuracies and making games about how cool it would be to have been in my position, maybe people can start taking this seriously and digging into what's going on.
Maybe?
I don't know. I don't want this to be a rant. I want to stay focused and make sure I post exactly what I wanted to make public. All of the stress... the stalkers, the phone calls, the broken windows... I know that's all supposed to keep me off track. They want me confused, scared, and most of all they want me quiet.
There's a team of men and women in suits that I've seen at random times. Here and there. I call them "The Focus Group" because they pop up with clipboards and pens, taking notes about everything I do. They all have the same outfits, the same thick-rimmed nerd glasses, the same red pens that just scream "we're judging you".
The first time I noticed them, they were following me through the Mall. I looped and turned, trying to be SURE they were following me... and there they were, every step of the way. Days later, I spotted them again in the laundromat window across from my new apartment.
I chased one down, once. The tubbiest one. They stayed silent through the entire chase and even the scuffle that ensued. When I wrenched the clipboard from his hand, I only found page after page of off-kilter, random gibberish coupled with crude Mickey silhouettes. All in the same red ink.
I know it sounds insane, to say that a group of men and women in black are following me and taking nonsense notes, but I think that's the point. I think the idea is that it SHOULD drive me insane, and if it doesn't, you'll still think I'm crazy just for saying it.
It's a no-win situation.
I will forever regret that trip to Emerald Isle, but on the other hand I'll always be grateful to the people who have come forward, anonymously, to share their experiences with me. Whoever mailed me the suggestion box from the resort is basically my hero at this point. To read what I'd written about the place and still brave the journey... wow. I can't imagine how that felt, whoever you may be. You even left the original, corroded lock in the box so I'd know it was legit. To do all of that without even taking a look inside for yourself must've been really hard. Thank you.
If you haven't noticed, I'm treating this post a lot like my "final installment". There's a reason for that. I don't know how long I can keep subverting Disney's attempts at silencing me before some sort of final action is taken. I have no doubt that somewhere, at this very moment, someone is using my identity to commit a crime that would discredit me. That, or the men in white jackets are about to show me a lovely little padded cell. I don't know what's going to come of this, and that's the worst part I suppose. All I know is that it's coming.
So what is "Corruptus"? Well, as I mentioned it was the title of an email I received. One that was presumably deleted along with my account. It was blank, and seemed to exist for the sole purpose of placing an attached text document in my hands.
Too bad for the powers that be... I had already printed it the moment I saw it.
Not much they can do to reverse that, can they?
I should've mentioned... remember that library? I used their copier to run off a few thousand duplicates of that letter. A few hundred are stapled in random places, a few hundred were passed out to random people, and the rest... let's leave those as a little surprise. Have fun trying to stifle THAT, you horrible mouse-fuckers.
Without any more rambling, here's the letter. Word for word. It arrived from a source whose email address I won't disclose... though I assume it's an untraceable dummy account, anyway.
—
Summation of CORRUPTUS incidents for January, 2015
For office use only. This message contains information that may be confidential or proprietary, or protected by the attorney-client privilege or work product doctrine intended solely for the use of the addressee(s) named above. Any review, disclosure, distribution, copying or use of the information by others is strictly prohibited. If you have received this message in error or without authorization, please advise the sender by immediate reply and delete the original message. All email sent to this address will be received by the Disney corporate email system and is subject to archiving and review by someone other than the recipient. Violation of this disclaimer as written will result in prosecution.
Please refer to official guidelines with relation to "known" and "unconfirmed" incident reports. Respect regulation as per ongoing and/or finalized designations.
Known CORRUPTUS incidents up to and including January, 2015
Treasure Island
Extreme agitation/inappropriate activity within Vulture population.
Mild to moderate agitation/inappropriate human activity.
Resolved CORRUPTUS: Unidentified Avian Species
Abandoned. Final.
Disney's Pop Century Resort
Misplaced and mobile objects.
Chronological Displacement/Anachronism.
Unresolved CORRUPTUS: Wandering entity.
Pending.
Disney's River County
Microorganism infestation.
Unresolved CORRUPTUS: "Clear Man" aka "See-Thru Man" aka "Friendly John".
Abandoned. Final.
ImageWorks: The What-If Labs (2nd Floor)
Multiple missing persons reports regarding Dreamfinder's School of Drama.
Pin screen fatality.
Vibrating mirror sickness.
Unresolved CORRUPTUS: "Wily Wizard" installation
Abandoned. Final.
Mowgli's Palace
Auditory hallucination and/or projection.
Misplaced and mobile objects.
Moderate to severe agitation/inappropriate human activity.
Unresolved CORRUPTUS: Inverted Character
Abandoned. Final.
The New Global Neighborhood
Resolved CORRUPTUS: Fiber Optic Worm (NGN C 1)
Resolved CORRUPTUS: Digital Howl (NGN C 2)
Resolved. Repurposed.
Room Zero
Sudden-onset mass-hysteria.
Auditory hallucination and/or projection.
Unresolved CORRUPTUS: Unknown
Contained. Final.
Please note: Nara Dreamland is not an officially licensed Disney park and no information or resources are to be shared with any responsible for containing its residents.
A complete list of suspected CORRUPTUS incidents and reports may be available.
—
It took a few readings before I could get my head around this. Essentially, if the attached file was to be believed, then the events I had experienced were not part of an isolated incident. The events within Room Zero... the Gascots... they seem like part of a much larger problem.
What is "Corruptus"?
Corruption. I mean, I don't need to run Google Translate for that, even if I felt like I COULD take a break from writing without the risk of someone finding and disconnecting me at any moment.
Corruption of what? Dreams? Ideas? Desires?
I've never been a religious man, but I was dragged to Sunday School more than enough times to know about Golden Calves. False Gods created by man... icons, graven images...
Characters. Mascots.
If you believe in the Bible at all, and I'm not sure I do, especially not after what I've seen... then maybe God wasn't angry because people worshiped other things. Maybe he was afraid. Maybe if enough people believe in something hard enough, there's a chance it will come to be. Since we're naturally flawed beings, that means there's a very good chance such a thing would become corrupted.
If you think about it, Disney's animated films have always had one overriding message.
Clap your hands and believe hard enough, and Tinkerbell will live. When you wish upon a star... anything your heart desires...
People like to say Disney has some connection to Satanism, but I never bought into that. I still don't. I think they've been trying to create that Golden Calf... a God-Idol that everyone believes in... one that everyone loves... It's almost as if any dream or idea that is shared by enough human hearts and minds has a real chance of being born into the world.
The creatures... if any exist beyond what I saw with my own eyes... I think they're the deformed half-starts. Random manifestations of some dark, unquantifiable non-life that seeped into our state of being. They're mistakes of reality. Cosmic abortions.
The Corrupted.
Did everyone in Emerald Isle harbor such a negative impression of Mowgli's palace? How potent was the fear of nuclear war on the day Room Zero became full? If you want to find Gascots and mystery voices, does that search bring about the very thing you're looking for?
How many children have been disappointed, confused, or scarred for life when they saw Mickey without his "head"?
These are questions I'm never going to be able to answer. I don't know if anyone can. Speaking personally, this will probably be the last time I talk to you about Disney and everything I've learned about them. I'm truly sorry for that, especially since there's so much more I could say... unconfirmed rumors, documents and items I received that now seem to be gone forever...
I thought they were just trying to contain that Mickey costume. I thought that's why they went out of their way to keep the public in the dark about so much. Why they coerced and bullied to get their way.
Now I realize I was wrong.
It was this, all along.
They didn't want anything like THIS getting out.
I wish you all good luck, and I know I need the same from you.
Thank you.
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Translation: I Want to Eat Your Pancreas by Yoru Sumino (Chapter 9)
Synopsis
One day, I - a high schooler - found a paperback in the hospital. The “Disease Coexistence Journal” was its title. It was a diary that my classmate, Sakura Yamauchi, had written in secret. Inside, it was written that due to her pancreatic disease, her days were numbered. And thus, I coincidentally went from Just-a-Classmate to a Secret-Knowing-Classmate. It was as if I were being drawn to her, who was my polar opposite. However, the world presented the girl that was already suffering from an illness with an equally cruel reality…
The best-selling, award-winning debut work by Yoru Sumino:
“Bestsellers 2016 (Overall) by NIPPAN” - 4th Place
“Bestsellers 2016 (Paperback Fiction) by NIPPAN” - 1st Place
“Bestsellers 2016 (Overall) by TOHAN” - 5th Place
“Bestsellers 2016 (Literary Books) by TOHAN” - 1st Place
“Bookstore Grand Prix 2016” - 2nd Place
“DA VINCI BOOK OF THE YEAR 2015” - 2nd Place
“Bestsellers 2015 (Literary Books) by TOHAN” - 6th Place
As of January 2017, this book has sold over 720,000 copies.
Please buy the book to support the author. (amazon.com)
Download the complete volume in PDF format here, or in ePUB format here.
(Chapter Index)
I cried. And cried, and cried.
And finally.
When I stopped crying - not intentionally, but because I had no tears left in me - her mom was still seated before me, waiting.
I raised my head, and her mom held out a pale blue handkerchief. Timidly, I received the handkerchief, and still out of breath, I wiped away my tears.
“You can keep it. That’s Sakura’s handkerchief. If you held on to it, I’m sure that girl would be happy too.”
“…………Thank you ……Very much.”
I honestly expressed my gratitude, wiped my eyes and nose and mouth, and stowed the handkerchief in a pocket on my uniform.
I once more assumed the proper posture on the tatami. My eyes were now as red as those of her mom.
“Please excuse me…… For losing my composure……”
Her mom promptly shook her head.
“It’s alright, it’s only normal for children to cry. That girl also used to cry quite a lot. Because she’s always been a crybaby. But you know, around the time she met you, and began writing about the time she spent with you, that girl stopped crying. Not completely though. But still, thank you. Thanks to you, the time she got to live became precious to her.”
I held back the tears that threatened to flow again, and I shook my head.
“The one that received her precious time was me.”
“…………If that’s the case, you should come have a meal with our family sometime. That girl didn’t tell us about anything involving you after all.”
Facing her mom’s sorrowful smile, I wavered once more.
Giving in to my wavering self, I spoke to her mom a little about the memories that I’d shared with the girl. The things that hadn’t been written down in her diary - of course, our game of Truth or Dare, and how we slept on a bed together - I left out. Her mom gave me her undivided attention, nodding countlessly.
Talking about my memories of her made it feel as if my heart was getting lighter, little by little.
The happiness and sorrow that were precious to me remained as they were, but it felt like I was casting off unnecessary weight.
That was why I thought that it was for my sake that her mom was listening to me.
At the end of my story, I made a request to her mom.
“Could I someday come offer my prayers again?”
“Yes, of course. When that time comes, please come and meet my husband and son too. That’s right, together with Kyouko-chan…… Though it looks like you two don’t really get along.”
Exactly like the girl, her mom giggled.
“That appears to be the case, huh. Various things happened, and I came to be hated.”
“It’s not like I’m forcing it, but if possible, Kyouko-chan and you should come join our family for a meal someday. It’s out of gratitude too, but being able to get along too with the two people Sakura treasured would make Auntie happy.”
“That probably depends more on what she thinks than I do, but I’ll keep that in mind.”
After that, we exchanged a few words, and after I promised to come visit on a later date, I stood up. At her firm insistence, I was made to bring the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ home. The ten thousand yen my mother had made me bring had been declined.
Her mom saw me out to the entrance. I put on my shoes, said my thanks once more, and just when I put my hand on the door knob, I was called out to.
“That’s right, what was your first name?”
In response to her casual question, I properly turned around, and answered.
“It’s Haruki. My name is Haruki Shiga.”
“Ah, wasn’t there a novelist with that name?”
Once my surprise faded, I felt a smile creep across my mouth.
“Yes, though I don’t know which you may be referring to.”
I once again said my thanks, bade my farewell, and left the front door of the Yamauchi house.
The rain had stopped.
After dinner, I confined myself to my room, and while reading the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ once more, I began to think. For a third time, I ended up crying in the midst of reading, but I continued to think still.
What should I do from now on? I thought about what I could do for her sake, for her family’s sake, and for my own sake.
I, who had received the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’, thought about what I was able to do.
After much thought, I made my decision a little past 9 PM, and began taking action.
I retrieved a printout that I had left in my desk drawer, and took out my cellphone.
Looking at the printout, I dialled a number I’d never thought I would use in my life.
That night, I dreamt that I was talking with her, and I cried again.
I arrived at the designated café after noon.
Since I had arrived a little earlier than the appointed time, the other party had yet to show. I asked for an iced coffee and sat down on a vacant chair by the window.
I was able to come to the designated café without any hesitation. It was probably a coincidence, but it was the same place I had waited for her on that day, the day she died.
No, it might not have been a coincidence. I reconsidered while drinking my iced coffee. Surely, she must have been a regular here.
Just like on that day, I looked outside. Just like on that day, people holding onto different lives were passing by.
But unlike that day, the person I was supposed to meet properly arrived on time. I was glad. I was relieved. Besides the trauma from that time, I was also worried that I could have been stood up.
Wordlessly, Kyouko-san sat down on the chair at the other end, and at once glared at me with eyes that had become bright red.
“So I’ve come…… But………… What?”
I refused to be intimidated. Forcibly hardening my trembling heart, I met her gaze, and began opening my mouth.
However, I was cut off by Kyouko-san.
“Sakura’s funeral………… You…… Didn’t go.”
“…………”
“…………Why?”
“That’s…………”
Just as I found myself unable to answer, a loud sound reverberated throughout the store, and time within it stopped momentarily. It was the sound of Kyouko-san striking the table with her fist.
“…………Sorry……”
Just as time began moving inside the store, Kyouko-san lowered her eyes, and said so in a soft voice.
Once again, I opened my mouth to speak.
“Thank you for coming. This, must be the first time we’re properly speaking to each other.”
“…………”
“I have a matter to speak to you about, Kyouko-san, so I had you come here but, first, I wonder where I should start.”
“Just get to the point.”
“…………That’s right, sorry. I have something I want Kyouko-san to see.”
“…………”
Of course, the matter was about the girl. She alone was the only point of contact between me and Kyouko-san. After troubling over it yesterday, I had decided to speak with Kyouko-san.
Before I arrived, I had been thinking about how to broach the subject with Kyouko-san - whether to start with the relationship between me and the girl, or about the illness. In the end, I decided to simply let Kyouko-san see the truth first.
I took the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ out from my bag, and placed it on the table.
“This is, the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’.”
“…………Disease coexistence?”
I removed the dust jacket wrapped around the book, and showed it to her.
Right away, Kyouko-san’s eyes, her eyes that were hollow somewhere, opened wide. I thought that it was to be expected of her. I thought that it was enviable too.
“…………That’s……Sakura’s handwriting.”
“It is.”
With a distinct movement, I nodded.
“This was her book. As part of her will, I received it.”
“……Her will…………”
The matter I was about to speak of made both my heart and words excruciatingly heavy. But, I couldn’t let that stop me.
“The things written inside, are all real. They are neither part of her mischief, nor mine. This is, something like a diary she had written, and in its last pages, is a will addressed to Kyouko-san and me, among others.”
“……What…………are you saying?”
“She, was ill.”
“…………You’re, lying, I’ve never heard of anything like that.”
“She didn’t tell you.”
“…………And just why would you know something that even I don’t?”
That was what I had thought too. But I knew the reason for that now.
“She didn’t tell anyone other than me. She, had gotten wrapped up in an incident and passed away, but even if she hadn’t met with an incident, the truth is––”
My words were cut off once more before I could finish. In their stead, a high-pitched sound pierced into my ear, and pain soon began to seep into my left cheek. Since I didn’t have any experience, it took a while for me to realise that the pain had come from the violent act of a slap.
With eyes that looked as if they were about to cry, Kyouko-san spoke like she were pleading.
“Just stop…………”
“I won’t stop. I have to tell Kyouko-san. She even wrote inside this book. That she treasured Kyouko-san the most. That’s why I want you to listen. She, was ill. Even if she hadn’t met with that incident, it had been determined that she would die after half a year. It’s not a lie.”
Kyouko-san weakly shook her head.
I held the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ out to Kyouko-san.
“Read it. That girl loved mischief, but, she absolutely wouldn’t make any jokes that would hurt you.”
Beyond that, I decided not to say anything more.
My worry that, just perhaps, she wouldn’t even read it, promptly dissolved when Kyouko-san reached her hand out after a short while.
Cautiously, Kyouko-san grabbed hold of the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ and opened its pages.
“It really is, Sakura’s handwriting……”
“This is genuinely, something that she wrote.”
Kyouko-san, with her eyebrows still knitted, began slowly reading from the very first page. I, focused on waiting.
I had heard from the girl that had died. Kyouko-san too wasn’t the type of person to ordinarily read words in a printed format. So it took some time for Kyouko-san to progress through the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’. Of course, her speed of reading the book wasn’t the only factor influencing how much time was passing.
At first, with a look that said she couldn’t bring herself to believe it, Kyouko-san re-read the pages countless, countless times. “It’s a lie, it’s a lie,” she even recited. Following which, her heart probably connected with the girl’s somewhere. As if a switch had been flipped, she started to cry, and her speed of reading gradually grew even slower.
I didn’t start to feel impatient at all. Especially when Kyouko-san began to cry, I felt relieved that she had come to accept it. Because if she hadn’t accepted it, my being here today would have lost its meaning. Both conveying the girl’s will, as well as one other purpose.
Midway, I ordered my second glass of coffee. After some thought, I got a glass of orange juice for Kyouko-san too. Without saying anything, Kyouko-san drank just a sip.
While waiting, I didn’t think about the girl. Rather, I was thinking about what I could do with what I had received from her. It was a difficult task for me who had persisted with self-absorption till now. I continued thinking, and time passed right by.
By the time I realised it, the day was turning into night. In the end, I couldn’t think of anything concrete beyond what I had thought of yesterday. Things that people could normally do were difficult to me.
I looked at Kyouko-san; her face was sticky with tears and the pile of soggy tissues on the table had grown ever larger. Her fingers were sandwiched around right in the middle of the book, and she was about to close the book. I did the same thing the girl’s mom had done yesterday. “There’s, still more further ahead.”
Though Kyouko-san already looked like she was tired from crying, once she read the portion consisting of the girl’s will, this time she closed the book completely, and as if she weren’t aware of the other people around her, she started bawling loudly. I, watched over Kyouko-san. Just like the girl’s mom did for me yesterday, the entire time. Kyouko-san cried her name, countless, countless times. “Sakura, Sakura,” she continued to cry.
Kyouko-san continued to cry for even longer than I did yesterday, and when I looked at her, her eyes - still overflowing with tears - turned towards me. It was the same as always, a gaze like she couldn’t stand the very sight of me.
“…………Why…………”
Kyouko-san spoke with a voice that rattled in hoarseness.
“Why………… Didn’t she…… Tell me……”
“……That’s, because she-”
“It’s not Sakura! It’s you!”
Towards that angry voice that I hadn’t even anticipated, I lost the words I had wanted to respond with. With a gaze like she wanted to stab me to death, and had become all miry, Kyouko-san let loose her words.
“If she, if she had told me…… I would’ve spent so much………… So much, so much more time with her. I would’ve quit my club too, I would’ve even quit school! And be together, with Sakura……”
It was, about this, huh.
“…………I won’t forgive you. No matter how much Sakura liked you, treasured you, needed you - I, won’t forgive you.”
She, lowered her face again, and her tears began to fall onto the floor. Just a little, really just a little, I - the same me I was up till now - ended up thinking that even so, I wouldn’t mind. That even if I was hated, I wouldn’t mind. But I shook my head. No good. That’d be no good.
I began speaking to Kyouko-san, whose mind had been made up and whose head was hanging low.
“I’m sorry, but………… Even little by little is fine so, I’d like you to forgive me.”
Kyouko-san didn’t say anything. I pushed aside my nervousness, and somehow re-opened my mouth.
“And then………… If you don’t mind…… Someday…………………… I’d like-”
Kyouko-san, wasn’t looking at me.
“I’d like for you to be my friend.”
Because I used words that I had not once used in my life, both my throat and heart tensed up. I desperately worked to maintain my breathing. Because my own matters had left me desperate, I couldn’t afford to do something like make a guess at Kyouko-san’s mental state.
“…………”
“It’s not just because of her will. This is something I myself am choosing to do. I’d like to get along, with Kyouko-san. I want, us to get along.”
“…………”
“Is it, no good……”
I didn’t know any other means of asking beyond this. And so I turned quiet. Silence fell into the space between the two of us.
I had never been this nervous about someone’s answer before. With an extreme mental state in addition to such self-centeredness, I waited for a response from Kyouko-san, and after a while, still facing downwards, she shook her head several times, stood up for the first time in a few hours, and left without a glance in my direction.
Looking at Kyouko-san’s back, this time it was my turn to hang my head low.
So it was…… No good huh……
I thought that this was probably the price I had to pay. The price for not acknowledging people up till now.
“This is, difficult.”
I whispered so, alone. But I think I was actually saying it to that girl.
I placed the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ that had been left behind into my bag, and after clearing the mountain of trash the two of us had created, I once again headed outside where it had turned completely dark.
Just what should I do from now on? It felt like I had been trapped in a maze with no way out. If I were to look up, I could still see the sky. But even though I knew there was an exit, I couldn’t find it.
“What a troublesome problem,” I thought. Everyone who solved such problems on a daily basis was amazing.
I got on my bicycle, and starting riding home.
Summer vacation was about to end soon.
It seemed like it would be impossible to complete my homework before summer vacation came to an end.
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Creator Of “Ren & Stimpy” Accused Of Preying On Underage Girls Who Wanted Animation Careers
https://styleveryday.com/2018/03/29/creator-of-ren-stimpy-accused-of-preying-on-underage-girls-who-wanted-animation-careers/
Creator Of “Ren & Stimpy” Accused Of Preying On Underage Girls Who Wanted Animation Careers
Robyn Byrd thought her plan was working when the letter from her hero arrived in the mail. It was 1994, and the 13-year-old had sent the creator of The Ren & Stimpy Show a video of herself talking about her drawings and the animation career she envisioned; she thought if she got the attention of the studio behind the hit Nickelodeon show, she might get a job there someday. John Kricfalusi’s effusive letter, Byrd said, seemed like the first step toward her dream.
She could hardly believe he’d responded. “I had built up these characters and this mythos of Ren & Stimpy in my head,” Byrd, now 37, told BuzzFeed News. “It was exciting.”
Soon, she said, she began receiving boxes of toys and art supplies from 39-year-old Kricfalusi, better known as John K. He helped her get her first AOL account, through which he convinced her he could help her become a great artist. He visited her at the trailer park where she lived in Tucson, Arizona. “I thought I was still his little cute friend,” she said. And then, when she was still in 11th grade, he flew her to Los Angeles to show her his studio and talk about her future. She said that on the same trip, in a room with a sliding glass door that led to his pool, he touched her genitals through her pajamas as she lay frozen on a blanket he’d placed on the floor. She was 16.
In the summer of 1997, before her senior year of high school, he flew her to Los Angeles again, where Byrd had an internship at Spumco, Kricfalusi’s studio, and lived with him as his 16-year-old girlfriend and intern. After finishing her senior year in Tucson, the tiny, dark-haired girl moved in with Kricfalusi permanently at age 17. She told herself that Kricfalusi was helping to launch her career; in the end, she fled animation to get away from him.
Since October, a national reckoning with sexual assault and harassment has not only felled dozens of prominent men, but also caused allegations made in the past to resurface. In some ways, the old transgressions are the most uncomfortable: They implicate not just the alleged abusers, but everyone who knew about the stories and chose to overlook them.
John Kricfalusi
Albert L. Ortega / WireImage
Although sexual abuse allegations against Kricfalusi have never been made public before, his relationship with Byrd has been an open secret within animation — so open that “a girl he had been dating since she was fifteen years old” was referenced briefly in a book about the history of Ren & Stimpy. Tony Mora, an art director at Warner Bros., and Gabe Swarr, a producer at Warner Bros., worked alongside Byrd at Spumco. The male artists said stories of how Kricfalusi sexually harassed female artists, including teenage girls, were known through the industry. “It’s always been there,” Mora said. Moreover, Kricfalusi made his fixation on teenage girls plainly obvious in his art, even as he worked on animated projects for the likes of Cartoon Network, Fox Kids, and Adult Swim. In an interview with Howard Stern in the mid-’90s, the radio host asked him about a character in the comic book anthology the cartoonist was then promoting. Stern called Sody Pop “a hot chick with big cans and nice legs.” Kricfalusi responded with a smile: “She’s underage, too.”
And yet Kricfalusi, 62, continues to be widely celebrated as a pioneer in the male-dominated field of animation. Creators of shows including SpongeBob SquarePants, Adventure Time, and Rick and Morty have cited Ren & Stimpy as an influence. After Nickelodeon fired the perpetually behind-schedule artist from Ren & Stimpy in 1992, he became an early proponent of art and shows made just for the internet. His output has slowed down, but he enjoys a living-legend stature that prompted 3,562 people to fund a Kickstarter campaign for his short Cans Without Labels, which he screened at a prestigious animation film festival in 2016. He made art for Miley Cyrus’s 2014 Bangerz tour; he animated two credit sequences on The Simpsons, the most recent in 2015. His portrait still hangs on the wall at Nickelodeon.
On Kricfalusi’s behalf, an attorney responded to a detailed list of allegations in this story with the following statement:
“The 1990s were a time of mental and emotional fragility for Mr. Kricfalusi, especially after losing Ren and Stimpy, his most prized creation. For a brief time, 25 years ago, he had a 16-year-old girlfriend. Over the years John struggled with what were eventually diagnosed mental illnesses in 2008. To that point, for nearly three decades he had relied primarily on alcohol to self-medicate. Since that time he has worked feverishly on his mental health issues, and has been successful in stabilizing his life over the last decade. This achievement has allowed John the opportunity to grow and mature in ways he’d never had a chance at before.”
A photo sent to Rice by Kricfalusi
Courtesy Rice
While Byrd felt deeply alone when she left animation, she later realized she hadn’t been the only underage girl Kricfalusi groomed for a relationship. In 2008, long after she last saw Kricfalusi, Byrd reconnected with an old internet friend: the artist Katie Rice. Kricfalusi introduced them through AOL in the mid-’90s, when they were still children, telling them he’d hire them both at Spumco someday. Although Kricfalusi never had a physical sexual relationship with Rice, he began hitting on her when she was a minor, she said, behavior that ranged from writing her flirty letters (“I bet you’ll be up to no good. Just like me,” he wrote in 1996) to masturbating while she was on the phone. In 2000, when Rice was 18 and trying to break into animation, Kricfalusi offered her a job. Once she started working for him, Rice said, he persistently sexually harassed her.
“I know a lot of people struggle with the ‘art vs. artist’ thing.”
Old letters, emails, and transcripts of AOL conversations between the women and Kricfalusi back up many of their claims. They each have witnesses to parts of their stories. Yet both women worried that they sounded “crazy.” For years, they chose to keep their experiences private, because coming forward didn’t seem like it was worth the risk. Rice feared retribution from his many supporters. Neither woman thought they’d be taken seriously.
Now they believe the world has changed. Byrd feels the time has come for Kricfalusi to be held accountable, particularly, she said, after the police told her in December that Kricfalusi’s alleged crimes against her were too old to investigate. “He shouldn’t be able to get away with that,” she said.
Left: A drawing Kricfalusi sent Byrd; Right: A mix CD he sent Rice
Courtesy Byrd and Rice
And while Byrd teaches philosophy and undergraduate writing classes, Rice still works in animation and regularly encounters people asking her what it was like to work for “a legend.” It made her hesitant to criticize him, as if it would be her fault for tainting his work. But, sitting in a Burbank restaurant, she said, “I know a lot of people struggle with the ‘art vs. artist’ thing, and I get it. Like, I love Rosemary’s Baby. But would I watch another movie that he made, knowing what I know now?” she said, referring to the multiple rape allegations against filmmaker Roman Polanski.
“I would say no, I don’t want to watch it. I don’t want any part of that. There’s nice people you can hire. There’s nice people who can make things, there’s nice people who make cartoons. … They’re just as fucking good.”
Katie Rice, photographed in Burbank on March 28
Jessica Pons for BuzzFeed News
Rice wanted to be an artist from the time she was in the fourth grade. In the summer before fifth grade, when she started watching the original Nicktoons — Doug, Rugrats, and Ren & Stimpy — the tween decided to become a cartoonist. Her parents were skeptical. Her mother told BuzzFeed News that she worried her daughter was being unrealistic.
So when Rice wrote to Kricfalusi when she was around 14, and then they began corresponding over AOL, Rice said it was a source of validation for her and her family: A powerful man who had recently been nominated for an Emmy Award saw that she had potential.
They continued chatting online and on the phone into her sophomore year of high school, and Kricfalusi’s messages made her feel special. In an AOL conversation he told her not to copy and send to her friends, he said, “I wnat [sic] to squeeze you,” and “I’m crazy about you, Katie”; he asked her, “Do I ever make you tingle?” In an email she printed and saved from a few days after she turned 15, the 41-year-old man wrote, “I’m thinking about you very hard right now. And I have a little tickle in my chest.” Now 36, Rice looks at these old pages with some of the compliments underlined in purple gel pen and cringes.
“I think this 40 year old man is hitting on me,” Rice wrote in her diary. “But he’s never perverted. He is also very nice. He gives me a lot of drawing tips.”
At the time, she didn’t see the harm. “I think this 40 year old man is hitting on me,” she wrote in a diary entry from between December 1995 and March 1996, saying her friend agreed with her. (Speaking to BuzzFeed News, the friend recalled having this conversation, and that she thought Kricfalusi was hitting on Rice.) Rice, then 14, continued in her diary, “But he’s never perverted. He is also very nice. He gives me a lot of drawing tips.”
Rice and Kricfalusi met a few times in Los Angeles, and they kept talking after she moved with her parents from California to Lake Tahoe in 1996 when she was entering 10th grade at age 14. They never had physical sexual contact, but when Rice lived in Nevada, she remembers several late-night phone calls during which Kricfalusi said, “Repeat after me: John’s dick slides in my puzzy” (his pronunciation of the word) while he masturbated on the other end of the line. She refused. Rice, who was naive about sex, said she didn’t realize what he was doing at first — until, all of a sudden, she did. Christine Nockels, a high school friend of Rice who later worked at Spumco, said Rice told her about the masturbation when they were classmates.
The conversations left Rice shaken, but she trusted him. Lonely in her new school in Nevada, she viewed him as her only friend. He attended her 15th birthday party, which he later confirmed on a DVD extra for the 2003 Ren & Stimpy reboot. (“I was at her 15th birthday party. We’ll tell you that backstory a little bit later,” he said with a grin.) She was devastated when he abruptly stopped talking to her in early 1997.
Kricfalusi and a 15-year-old Byrd in 1996
Courtesy Byrd
That same winter, Kricfalusi flew out to visit Byrd, then a high school junior, at home in Arizona. They had sex for the first time at a nearby hotel, she said, and put into motion a series of decisions that would reshape the rest of her teenage years. She’d move in with Kricfalusi for the summer and intern at Spumco, then complete her senior year at a private school in Arizona, and he would cover the tuition. He told her he could give her an animation career in Los Angeles when she graduated. She and her mother believed him.
So when the young artist and writer moved in with Kricfalusi in the summer of 1997, part of her was happy. As an intern, she was making copies, keeping art organized, and learning how to be an animator. “I made my dream come true,” Byrd said. “That’s why I sent the tape when I was 13.” Everything in California was new and exciting, including, to some degree, her boyfriend. “I believed, as a 16-year-old dating him, ‘Oh, the world’s against us. It shouldn’t be wrong for him to date me. We’re cool and rebellious because we’re breaking the rules of society,’” Byrd told BuzzFeed News. She said he told her their 25-year age difference was “romantic.”
But she struggled. In a letter she wrote to herself during the internship — her method of working out her feelings at the time — she frets about all the ways she’s alienating her 41-year-old boyfriend with her “nagging” and her “guilt-inflicting”; she says Kricfalusi doesn’t care about her emotional well-being. “He may like my figure & face. He may adore my mind & ideas. But he does not have regard for my feelings as I do his,” she wrote. The artist she shared an office with, Swarr, who was in his early twenties at the time, remembers her frequently crying.
“I was like, ‘Who’s that little girl?’”
Despite the volatility, this seemed like a break to her: Kricfalusi was teaching her a trade. And, over the course of more than 600 blog posts reviewed by BuzzFeed News, Kricfalusi portrays himself as a uniquely qualified molder of young minds. It’s the same image he presented to Byrd and Rice, and to many of the fans, mostly men in their twenties, who he hired at Spumco in the 1990s and early 2000s. They were inexperienced young people who, Mora and Swarr said, believed deeply in the art Spumco was making. It was a small studio that usually had between 10 and 30 artists at a time, most of them convinced they were doing something defiant by working there. Derrick J. Wyatt, an artist who started working at Spumco in 1999, told BuzzFeed News the studio was a “cult of personality” centered on Kricfalusi.
After Byrd graduated from high school at 17 in 1998, Kricfalusi hired her to work at Spumco and she moved back into his Los Angeles home.
A photo Kricfalusi took of Byrd poolside in 1998 at age 17
Courtesy Robyn Byrd
As Byrd grew up in the studio, her coworkers, many of whom were not much older than she was, were aware of the teen’s romantic relationship with their boss. Mora got an internship at Spumco in 1997, around the age of 24, and when he first started seeing Byrd around the studio, “I was like, ‘Who’s that little girl?’” he said. The relationship was odd to him, but it seemed to be accepted at the studio, where former employees say Kricfalusi fostered a libertine atmosphere in which taking offense was itself offensive. They were making shows with sexual themes; there were raunchy nude drawings on display. Mora said Kricfalusi left out a drawing he made of Byrd, naked, with a dog ejaculating on her.
Sometime between 1998 and 2000, Mora went to a party at Kricfalusi’s house that has bothered him for years. He remembered Byrd, who was no older than 20, was drunk and seemed to be drifting in and out of consciousness when Kricfalusi called Mora over to him. “And then he pulled out these Polaroids of Robyn basically — how can you say it? — going down on him. … He’s like, ‘What do you think of that?’”
“My entire life had been suspended in John’s since I was fourteen.”
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