#so they cant stay out there too long
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Getting caught in the rain
#since Draft is more spider like I think he has that spider trait where he can't get wet#and og and Draft are more alike so I think Og would have that same little trait#all three of them are cold blooded (yknow snake lizard and spider)#so they cant stay out there too long#anyways that's enough of my rambling#Draft Wally#Og Wally#Beta Wally#Unhinged Au#The three darling brothers#welcome home#wally darling#wally au
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the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.
I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....
every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....
#talkys#this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did#there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way#but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset...#i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish#i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above#in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good?#isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than...#i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish#and because im no better than anyone else#my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck#pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day#i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!!#and it is true....!#we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish#i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler.#*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim#i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....
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thinking about ishimondo can you guys give me hcs about them like literally anything even like . mundane hcs for them idk I'm thinking about them please ...pl
#ishimondo#ishimondus nation I'm calling out to you#I've been wanting to draw tjem for so long and now thay its summer vacation for me i cant even do thay properly#unless i want to stay up but i have to work so wjay the FREAK!#many things i need and want to draw and yet im so sleepy tired#please yap about em#here or inbox is ok too dw#krambles
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woosang ♡ for @miinsang
#lunagifs#luna.gifs#*ateez#*wooyoung#*yeosang#the woo to my sang the san to my woo#u tease me a lot... A LOT!!!#but u always take care of me too n ur just like woo in that way...#it's crazy to think of how many years it's been already#i can say without a DOUBT that you are one of the reasons i made it thru the panini and all that#we've been thru lots of friend groups and changes in friends and all that a lot together#and i know we joke about it a lot but really im so happy that we've stayed with each other thru it al :((#i cant imagine having to go thru that alone esp when it felt like it just kept happening over and over#and when i had to finish uni alone at home i would always be super down bc i didnt get to go out and make friends#but one of the reasons i was still okay was bc i had you and i knew i could always bother you 👹#we're both pretty quiet when things bother us#and it still amazes me that we've been friends for so long and have never fought i'd never had a friendship like that until i met you :((#but sometimes you'll come to my dms and know exactly what's bothering me without me saying a WORD!!!#thank you for always being there for me and letting me be there for you in return
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Always funny to me when my coworkers notice how much of a germaphobe I am when they see me wipe down my cart in the morning. I dont just wipe the handle, I wipe the top of the sides and the top part of the baby seat, places where people grab other than the handle. Then I use hand sanitizer bc by that point I've touched: the cart, the scanner locker screen and locker, my scanner (also wipe that shit down, yuck), my lock, and the spray bottle. So yucky places.
I mean hey maybe I'm not giving my immune system that boost of exposure, but I'm also not giving it covid, norovirus, or influenza from touching the cart and scanner so 🤷♀️
#marquilla#sometimes it gets them to wipe down their cart or at least their scanner lol#im always hounding RC to not chew her nails bc the forklift handle is FILTHY and to wear a mask#everyone else can build or break their immune systems with the abundence of germs about and mask/clean at their own discretion#which is like never sgdggdgdgd but yknow im sure them all getting colds and the flu are just coincidence#im so scared im gonna jinx it and get sick myself sgdgdgd like im more so worried ab covid bc that fucker has gotten me 2x at least and i#got long covid from both times 😠 im less scared ab getting other sickness but i do hold a grudge if i KNOW who got me sick#like i got pneumonia in hs bc this fucking kid in my class had it and kept coming to school and i was out for like 3 weeks AND had to go to#the hospital overnight 🙄 fuckhead oh and he was apparently notorious for skipping school to play video games in middle school#WHY NOT STAY HOME IN HS TOO?? i also had to go in an ambulance and it was awkward as hell bc it was just a transfer from the urgent care/er#to the kids hospital and you cant drive yourself or have your parents take you bc theres a chain of custody and shit#ANYWAYS spritz spritz motherfucker im lysoling you all for your own safety
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...
#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me
#rant#i guess#it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever#like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning#i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry#its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too#it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but#a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container#or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside.#it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time.#i hate this survivalistic shit#its not long before i move out thank god but still#he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything#like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice.#i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it.#and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive#at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont#let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know#writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy
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so for all that dont know the newest news about twitter, mr.manbaby mc dumbo is shutting down any "microservice" of twitter that he deems irrelevant with his oh so superior way of thinking which has lead to ..
.. 2FA not working properly anymore, meaning alot of people are getting locked out of their accounts completely.
#ganondoodles talks#twitter#i literally cant decide if i want to dare and attempt to download my twitter data and risk losing access altogether#or stay and cling to the spiders thread of hope that twitter is not going down fully soon#all of this is stressing me out so much i have barely been able to work on destiny#knowing that tumblr has been losing money for so long is making me rly afraid of losing it too#if that happens i might just die#literally whats gotten me through the worst phases of my depression has been the nice people on twitter and tumblr#i am not exaggerating#its like a life line getting cut in front of your eyes and you cant do anything again it#and yes i know that may sound unhealthy or whatever#but it is the way it is#i have no friends IRL#i have a few online friends that i met .. through twitter mainly#there is no one that supports my work IRL#its all online#my art is my life#without it reaching anyone theres nothing left#-draw for yourself- doesnt apply here#if i couldnt share my art with anyone if wouldnt draw#my core motivation is to share it
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You know reading vol 5 of mdzs before all the rest (don't ask me why I'm a clown and there were Circumstances) has to be the craziest experience of my life. Because it took all of ten minutes of wwx talking to literally hit me so hard in the gut I had to sit down and listen to really loud music for a while to calm down.
Who needs therapy when mxtx is alive and writing, I guess????? 🤡
Can't wait to get to the actual tragic parts I just know I'm gonna be that "help" frog phone meme
#mdzs#i was really out here thinking svsss would be my fave bc of lbh#and then i finally get around to reading mdzs and it blows my expectations out of the fucking water holy actual shit#and i just had this feeling the first time i read parts of it like 'oh. this series is going to kill me. im not coming back from this.'#and here i am booboo the fool getting my clown ass make-up on#idk how to explain it like i just fucking LOVE mxtx's takes on arrogance#that wwx is constantly being perceived as a show off and an incorrigible flirt and a know it all#how wwx cant always help the ways he acts out the desperation that has embedded itself into his very bones#how wwx only ever wanted to do the right thing and that having been so much of his downfall#how his worth and talent would always be eclipsed by virtue of his circumstances#how he's above needing recognition at his core but at the same time longs for an ounce of good will and positive recognition ->#how human he is despite his brilliance. how he never gets it no matter how hard he tries to be worthy.#like to me wwx is emblematic of what it means to be poor/an immigrant in high places#always villified always alien always wrong always unwelcome#no matter how clever or capable or kind youll always be an eyesore because you don't 'act right'. not 'one of them.' you never will be.#i just...the way he just wanted it all to be over by the end. the way he didnt even want to come back to life. that he was sick of it all.#im rattling the bars of my cage i love him I LOVE HIM i love him#i understand you lan wangji (and i love lwj too)#and even lan wangji too like. the way so many of their issues in the beginning stems from that self-same problem#how lwj couldn't live with his out of control feelings how he too couldn't quite lay down his pride#how lwj was also trapped by the expectations of his clan in his own way how so much of their separation was a form of penance#that the calamity of wwx's loss forced him to reconsider everything he thought he knew about himself and his life#how he was left with nothing but regret. how when wwx returns--lwj refuses to leave anything to chance this time#he refuses to let wwx be alone anymore--refuses to let him hurt himself for the sake of others refuses to just let it all happen#even if it means overstepping a boundary or propriety it doesn't matter--as long as wwx stays with him. pride be damned#god i just can't i just can't do it im biting im ripping things apart GOD#will also say the jokes about lwj being like. 'strict moral compass or BUST.' and then wwx literally committing like 17 felonies in the bg#while lwj is like 'crimes? what crimes. nothing to see here.' NEVER stops being funny. like i was pissing myself laughing#i know its a known trope but by god are they hilarious about it#also. lan qiren how many times do your nephews have to go catatonic for you to stop with the catholic guilt and repression
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love bluh bluh bluh
#初音ミク#ラビットホール#rabbit hole#hatsune miku#vocaloid#illustration#artists on tumblr#dooblenauts#i liked how this looked better while i was working on it#now it looks. so bad#the handcuffs look stupid. the background is stupid. the shading and rendering is stupid#why am i so afraid of trying new things my rendering now sucks idk what im doing its so unpleasing to look at#eugh. eugh#trying to get my shit together by trying to get a better sleep schedule. as a first step#cause that shits been fucked for ages#i slept at midnight and woke up at 6am and stayed up ALL day. i was SO proud of myself#then when i went to sleep at 8 or 9 last night i stupidly took a lil bit of a gummy to pass me out easier#it was apparently too much and i woke up at midnight freaking out#now im pissed off at myself for waking up at 10am cause of a fuck up i should have avoided but i wanted to go to sleep quicker#why do i suck. why do i suck!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway gonna burn myself out on drawing cause im useless and cant do anything else otherwise#hoping someone will be like 'hey nice art! heres some money draw me a thing'#but thats probably not gonna happen in a VERY long time#so im probably just gonna be useless for the rest of my life#dont take this as me trying to gain pity or anything im going through a mood and just really pissed off at myself 😭
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#i keep having little things in my life that make me go god i want to leave#but like. it wld take too long.#it wouldnt be an immediate change#i would still need to relearn to drive which would take forever bc i hate it#and i would need to look into certs that wld get me employed#or anything that wld get me employed#i know the time will pass anyway but that doesnt work for my brain that has trouble Startin especially when theres no light#at the end of the tunnel. like doing those things wont guarantee me a job so why bother#i get lulled back into well living here isnt so bad i can take it. moving out would be worse. id be alone and i wouldnt#feed myself and id have a job i hated#but then Something Happens and the cycle repeats and im miserable#and i want to leave but how can i. and it would take forever. so ill stay. but it sucks. and i want to leave. but how can i. and it w#talkys#i can take it. but not for much longer. but i can. but i cant. but i have to. but i dont want to. i can. i cant#idk how people Live#my issue is i want to leave Now i want to leave Yesterday.
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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post
Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight
#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine#and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao#am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now#I'm just questioning something about someone#sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in#i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again#it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much#maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now#i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something#i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore#okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight#mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red#alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages#(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)
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there’s one on here currently and they’re bringing back up old controversy (jashshipping)
Yeaa I saw that. They also seem to post a bunch of CJ related things, so I might make the daily photos one since there isn't one for just CJ screenshots/photos
#im gonna be a fait bit busy today so I cant make it rn#also wont be making it tomorrow as there's another strike happening then [ill make a post on that later too btw]#but i want there to be an account just of stuff from the vids or of the ones he posts on twitter#as for the shipping thing#i wish ppl wouldn't be so rude with things sometimes man#my stance is basically the same as CJs. interpret it however you'd like just don't show it to ppl who are uncomfortable with it#also don't harass or be a dick to people who do or don't ship it#im glad it died down since then at least & that there's not a bunch of hate going around#this fandom is simultaneously really nice to be in & also really draining sometimes#tho it definitely isn't the worse. ive been in a lot of ones that are a LOT worse than here. big & small#place is actually quite nice mostly. despite some things that deserve needing to be called out [like some of the ableism toward Heart]#I think things would be a lot better if people just let others do their own thing. as long as its not like. fuckin illegal or offense#or against CJs boundaries. just let others vibe out in there own corner#ain't that what we all said when TH purists complain about CJs covers? No ones forcing you to consume the content. is all good#just stay where you're comfortable! if anyone's forcing you to look at their stuff then they're the issue. and that goes both ways#again just listen to what the guy said. don't show it to people that don't like it. don't harass people who do it don't like it. an like#just be groovy#sorry for the rant this has just been on my mind for months now#im generally very neutral on things but i hate everyone just yellin at each other when there doesn't need to be yelling in the first place#again this place is hell of a lot better than other spaces ive been in#its a main reason this is the first fandom I've actively participated a shit ton in#im actually using discord & talking [a bit] to other ppl for once lol#idk man i like it here. Just don't make a reason for people not to like it here#again apologies for the rant op. this has just been on my mind for some time & i really don't want shit being blown up again#also apologize if anythins spelled wrong or sounds like nonsense#shitty keyboard + dyslexia + not being able to edit tags can make dumb results lol#moss rants#[atlas asks]
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Oh fuck benzodiazepines my beloved.....
#doc gave me a new med for my anxiety#just tried it (i uaually try any use as needed pill before i actually need it just so i know how it feels)#and holy fuck#i get like#horrible anxiety about sleep#like my brain reacts like im fuckin dying and i cant calm down and just sleep#so i have to stay awake until im about to pass out bc im too afraid to sleep#but oh wow everything feels fine im not shaking or crying or terrified of sleeping#like even sleeping pills dont help#i just get dragged into sleep but am terrified the whole time#this has just snuffed the fear out altogether#i dont think ive felt this kind of calm in forever#im gonna go to sleep now#willingly for the first time in a long time
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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ok jonghomies
#it's like. getting kinda long#not nearly as long as the rest of my hair but the rest of it is too short to put into a ponytail so i cant show off the undercut#or well i CAN put it in a ponytail but then strands fall out randomly and it never stays in and i would need 15 million bobby pins#so im kinda ???????????? on what to do#apple lady polls#and i think for my hair to comfortably fit in a ponytail again its gonna take a few months to grow so
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