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waterfallofspace · 4 months

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What A Way To Start A Year

T/im learns a little something about karma, friends, and care. Seems even J/on isn't quite as cold as he seems.

A M/agnus A/rchives fic, set somewhere pre-season 1. Shouldn't have any spoilers, but proceed with caution just incase~ (nothing late game, just character dynamic things)

Welcome to "I meant for this to be a little drabble and I wrote 3k words"~ Having a bit of hyperfixation and burn out as I started this new year, soooo I decided to make T/im suffer <3 Not promising quality seeing as I wrote this all in the span of tonight, but consider it a lil 'too long' drabble, and happy new years!

Best way to start off the new year, giving one of your lil guys a lil snz <3

Characters: T/im, M/artin, S/asha, and J/on. Word Count: 3.9k

(CW: There is some swearing, and light descriptions of high fevers)

Christmas had been good this year, maybe the best it had in a long time. Life of the party as always, Tim had enjoyed getting to spend it with his old, and new, colleagues. On top of that, Jon had been laid up with a pretty awful cold for a couple days leading up to it, so he wasn’t around to crush any brilliant ideas Tim came up with.

This led to the budget receiving a fairly substantial hit, though many researchers donated to the cause when they learned this borrowing wasn’t exactly approved. Hell, even Elias had pitched in, claiming something or other about ‘archivists fit for the job not exactly growing on trees’, and wanting to ‘save some of Jon’s sanity’.

“Tim? Are you even listening to me?”

Pulled back to the conversation at hand, Tim lifts his gaze to the taller man fidgeting nervously in front of him. Martin was never one for confrontations, and usually the first ‘no’ would have been more than enough to lead to a string of apologies for even asking. Today however, he seems to have grown a spine. At the worst possible moment.

“Oh come on,” Martin continues, missing the groan slipping from Tim’s throat. “Even Jon agreed to it!”

“I’m not really in the party mood,” Tim retorts, leaning back in his chair. “Besides, Jon didn’t agree to celebrate, he agreed not to stop the celebration. Not the same thing.”

From across her desk, Sasha gives a low chuckle. “He’s got you there, Martin.”

“Can you at least give it a little thought before turning it down?” Martin insists, completely out of character for someone usually so eager to please.

What the hell has gotten into him today? He didn’t even seem to enjoy himself that much at the Christmas party. Sure, he had a few drinks and mingled with the staff, but he’d left as soon as it was over, not waiting around for chatting like Tim and Sasha.

Clearing his throat with a grimace, Tim casts Sasha a dark look as she chuckles again. Knowing far too much, as usual. Especially when it came to him. If it was anyone else, Tim would hate it with all his being, but given that it’s Sasha… well it’s a welcome invasion.

Still, it would be nice if she didn’t rat him out. And to Martin of all people, well let’s just say he saw what happened when Jon was sick. Yeah, passing on that one. Attention is great, Tim lives for it, but the coddling? Not really his style.

“hiEH– guh…”

Damn, that had been a close one. Thankfully Martin seems oblivious, though Sasha sits up in her chair, reaching down into a drawer to fish something out.

Turning his focus back to Martin, Tim provides an offer, desperate to just have the interaction come to an end.

“Fine, I’ll show up, but I don’t want any part in planning it.”

“Oh of course, I’ll handle all the details, I mean it’s just a new years party, how much can there really be to do? I mean food, timing, gotta make sure we have keys to the building– oh but if Jon’s there, that shouldn’t be a problem…” Martin says, rambling beginning to fade into the background as Tim finds himself unable to-

“hH– ek’CHhiew!”

“-Oh, bless you!” Martin says, his own thoughts long forgotten.

Unable to get a word out, Tim merely waves a hand, ducking into his shoulder for another, “eTChhew!”

“Bles-”

And another, “iTSChh’ew!”

“Oh ble-”

And another, “ehh– kTChh’iew!”

Silently Sasha stands, handing Tim a pack of tissues. Must have been what she was looking for in the desk. Once again, knowing more than she should, of course she picked up on his patterns.

Accepting them gratefully, Tim pulls a few out and roughly rubs at his nose, pointedly avoiding Martin’s worried gaze. Gripping his still trembling nose through the tissue, Tim sucks in a tight breath through his teeth, holding for a beat, before finally spinning around in his chair for a final-

“hH’ETCSHh-ieuw! Whew, bless me.”

Martin’s hands are fidgeting again, seemingly unsure of what to do with himself as Tim gives his nose a light massage through the tissue. He’s aware enough not to point it out, but is nearly shaking with the effort of suppressing his concerns.

With a sigh, Tim meets his eyes. “I’m fine, Martin. I always sneeze like that.” He leaves out ‘when I’m sick’. It also happens if he’s suffering allergies, though he doubts that would be a point in his defense given it’s the middle of winter.

“Yeah he’s not kidding,” Sasha pipes up, throwing Tim a wink as he glares. “You should hear him in spring, once it starts he can be going for hours.”

“I wouldn’t say hours, Sash-”

“Remember the cherry blossom incident?” Sasha interrupts, sending a sugary smile over to Martin. “He was wrecked for the rest of the day, I was almost certain he was never gonna stop. Even considered giving a statement here, that reaction was almost supernatural.”

Tim winces, an audible moan slipping from his lips. “We swore to never speak of it again.”

Sasha laughs, Tim giving her another playful glare from behind his tissues. “You swore that, I did no such thing.”

Thankfully Martin doesn’t pry, having enough common sense to offer a polite chuckle, and offer some excuse about ‘planning’. Still, he can’t help himself from shooting a meek “I hope you feel better soon” over his shoulder, Tim giving him finger guns in return.

“This is karma, you know,” Sasha calls after Martin’s outside earshot. “You took pleasure in Jon’s suffering, so now it’s your turn to suffer the same fate.”

“No, thi- eTChhew! Scuse me,” Tim says, rubbing his nose with the tissue one last time before depositing it in his nearly overflowing trash can. Another tissue is plucked as his eyes begin to water, nostrils flaring with reckless abandon. Never just one.

“kTChh’uew! hh’iTChh –uew! Tihhckles… eTCHh! etchh’uh! hiehh–”

The last one toys with him, tracing the rims of his nostrils, back up his sinuses, a gentle itch that seems to burn against every inch of his nose. Finally, with a desperate gasp, Tim ducks into his wrist for the last, “heh’ATChhh –iew!”

“Many blessings. Sounds like you need them,” Sasha offers with a wince, tossing another pack of tissues over, which Tim catches with a single hand, the other still gripping his nose.

After taking a moment to clean himself up, Tim shoots her his signature smile, ignoring the eye roll she shoots back. “Where was I?”

“Admitting this is karma?”

“It’s not karma, it’s lack of common sense. Going to a party where a coworker is sick, and still drinking and eating the same meals” Tim says, aiming a rough cough into his sleeve.

Sasha winces once more at the quality of the cough, hands rummaging through her drawers once more as she tosses a reply back. “And yet you’re the only one who caught it. Seems like karma to me.”

Closing the distance between them in a single stride, Sasha places a hand on Tim’s shoulder, voice softening. “It’s two days till new years, why don’t you go home and try to get some rest? I doubt Martin will object, and I’ll cover for you with Jon.”

Before Tim can form his rebuttal, Sasha places a box of paracetamol and a jar of vapor rub in front of him. Nodding his thanks, Tim lets out another harsh cough into his arm, leaning as far away from Sasha as he can manage.

With a light rub to his shoulder, Sasha walks to the door, holding it open with a pointed look. “Go home, you sound awful.”

“Alright, alright. I got the message. hH’ETchhiew!” Tim says, gathering his care package and beginning his walk down the hallway.

“If I hear the rest of that fit happening in this building, I’m telling Martin how ill you really are,” Sasha calls after him, a smile flashing over her face as Tim holds up his hands in mock surrender, before ducking back into his arm with another muffled burst.

—

“You look horrible.”

Tim manages a weary smile from behind the tightly wound scarf. “Thagk you.”

Martin winces, standing in the doorframe, seemingly oblivious to the winter chill soaking into Tim’s bones. Even just the walk from the train station was hell on earth, standing out here is doing him no favours.

Turning away with a throat scraping cough, Tim manages to clear the congestion enough to finish the sentence somewhat understandably. A great feat, given how fast his voice is retreating. “May I remind you that I’m only here because you insisted.”

“Right, well I… I didn’t know how bad-” Martin begins, realizing spreading across his face like a wildfire as a chill leaves Tim breathless. “Oh god, I’m making you freeze to death while you’re already this sick, I’m so sorry, come in, I’ll go make you a tea.”

Tim nods his thanks as he piles inside the warm institute, cursing his aching lungs as each breath of warm air seems to burn them from the inside out. Martin rushes away, nearly crashing into a few researchers as he makes his frantic dash for the kitchen.

The scarf is reluctantly removed, a shudder running through Tim’s back as the warm air does nothing to soothe what he’s now certain is a growing fever. A few researchers wave to him, offering some idle chit-chat as he makes his way inside.

For the most part, people give him a wide berth, apparently he looks as bad as he feels. Tissues in hand, gripping them like a lifeline, Tim finds his way to a couch and lets himself sink into it. The party buzzes around him, fading into background noise.

Martin returns soon after, the mug vibrating slightly as he attempts to steady his hand. “I wasn’t sure what kind you’d want, we have a pretty limited amount, but I have a few extras in my desk– oh I could have probably found one for colds and flus, I’m not sure which this is, I thought cold before but you look-”

“Martin,” Tim interrupts, voice cutting uncomfortably through his raw throat. “Can I have the cup?”

“Oh, right, sorry!” Martin says, a sheepish grin crossing his face, nerves more than anything else, as he hands Tim the mug. Tim gives another appreciative nod, taking a cautious sip.

The warm liquid feels like heaven against his throat, and he barely manages to choke back a whimper. The flavour is still a mystery, Martin never actually got to that part. Given how little he can taste at the moment, seems it’s gonna remain that way. Still, the heat beginning to warm his chest is a welcome relief, and Tim has to fight to keep his eyes from drifting shut…

“Watch out!”

The voice rouses him, his eyes snapping open just in time to witness Jon dropping to his knees in front of the couch. The realization doesn’t sink in for another minute, Tim blinking the tired from his eyes and trying to figure out why people are staring… and why there’s a hand on his finge–

Oh, the tea. Thankfully Jon’s reflexes seemed to kick in just in time, his hands guiding Tim’s cup to the table next to him. Judgement clouds the boss's eyes as he turns back, fully ready to chastise Tim, no doubt. Jon opens his mouth, one hand beginning to point, but as his eyes scan Tim’s form, his demeanor changes instantly.

“You don’t seem well.” Jon’s voice is still firm, but with a hint of something Tim can’t quite place. On anyone else, he’d call it concern. On Jon… perhaps concern isn’t far off, though the underlying criticism of the statement irritates him.

“I wonder why that could be? It’s almost as if someone came to the Christmas party sick enough to fall asleep standing. Twice.” Tim says, sarcasm lining his words, alongside the congestion he can’t seem to fully shake.

“Well in that case,” Sasha chimes in, cheerful voice a natural antithesis to the misery coursing through Tim’s system. “Seems you’re halfway there!”

“Hey, I was lying down, that’s hardly the sahh… same thing– hH’ETchh!”

“Here we go,” Sasha says, already turning on her heel to find a tissue box as Tim’s hitches increase in desperation.

“aHTChh’ew! gn’tchhew!”

“Bless,” Jon offers, a brief confusion crossing his face as Sasha laughs, shaking her head.

“He’s not done,” She says, handing over the tissue box.

Tim grabs for it blindly, too caught up in the fit to even attempt dignity. Still, the eyes on him do leave him with a hint of embarrassment, and the onslaught is muffled as best he can manage. “hH’MMpshhew! eMPFShh’ieh! hh’MFSHhueh!”

Blessings sound out from the room, Tim managing to wave a hand towards the ones offering them, eyes still watering. As the fit seems to stall, he lowers his tissues, red nose now visibly twitching.

“Are you alright?” Jon asks, the hint of concern from before now plainly evident. That’s frankly more alarming than it should be, and Tim finds himself wanting to… reassure the boss.

“I’m okay, it’s juhh… j-just… huhh–” But it seems his nose has other plans, a tissue being raised once more as Tim paws at the appendage. “‘Scuhhse me, I still have… hahhve to… to… hiHh– eTCHh’ew! hk’ASCHh–oo!”

This time the tickle fades with the final pitchy sneeze, Tim letting out a low groan as he mashes his nose into the ever growing collection of tissues he’s clutching. A few people call out final blessings, Sasha laughing out hers as Tim’s face goes red once more.

Martin picks this time to enter the room with drinks, Tim letting his eyes flutter shut as the focus shifts off his misery. A gentle touch keeps him from drifting off to sleep, prying open an eye to find Sasha settling onto his left.

“Careful, don’t want to catch this,” Tim manages, leaning against his right shoulder to muffle another stream of chesty coughs. Sasha winces as it goes on past the realm of comfort, her hand finding his back.

“Don’t worry about me, I haven’t earned this cold, I didn’t make use of Jon’s or your suffering,” She says, the playful tone not masking the growing worry in her posture.

While she can read him like a book, she’s no mystery to him either. The tension in her fingers, absentmindedly stroking patterns on his back. The way she subconsciously tries to support his body weight, despite them both sitting. The look in her eyes when he manages to stall the coughing long enough to meet them.

With this brief respite from the attack, Sasha takes the chance to bring Tim’s tea back, his fingers wrapping around the warm mug. The first few sips burn, his lungs protesting, begging to return to their efforts to expel all the irritation. By the third, however, the warmth is spreading once more, easing the spasms.

“Alright?” Sasha asks, beginning to stand from the couch. Tim nods his reply, taking another slow sip. “Think you’ll make it till midnight? We’ve still got a few hours to go.”

He nods his approval again, not yet trusting his voice enough to make an attempt. Sasha simply smiles, easing back into the party that– Tim had almost forgotten existed. That fever must be worse than he thought, given how loud it is. A fact that’s now pounding against his head in harmony with his heartbeat.

The party continues on, Sasha and Martin taking turns checking in on Tim as he slips rapidly in and out of consciousness. Seconds turn to hours, and before he knows it, it’s two minutes to midnight.

As Tim blinks against the harsh fluorescent lighting, it’s Jon that stands before him, hand hovering near his side. Tim begins to speak, breaking off into a cough as his voice comes out rough with sleep and congestion.

“What’s up boss?” He manages with the second attempt, not missing Jon’s wince at the nasal quality.

“You simply look… well, the festivities are nearly over, I was just inquiring as to…” Jon seems to get stuck, eyes wandering down to the couch as he finishes. “I know you took the train here, I was seeing if you needed an escort home.”

“How kind, I’d be delighted to have your accompaniment,” Tim responds, the wit clouding the fact he… hadn’t actually considered needing to go home. Jon seems to take this answer as satisfactory, ignoring all the sarcasm as he gives a tight nod and an out of practice smile.

From across the room Martin calls out, something about a countdown. Tim attempts to pull himself to a stand, finding Sasha’s arm around his waist, guiding him to the wall. Leaning against it, he lets his rough voice join the chorus as they count into the new year.

Despite how the lights and noise had pounded into his skull, everyone chanting in unison helps Tim realize that… there actually aren’t that many people here. Aside from his coworkers, there’s only a few researchers, and Elias is not in attendance.

Honestly, thank whatever cosmic being may exist for that one, he had been none too fond of Jon’s arriving sick. Tim shudders to think what he would have said about this state. He shouldn’t have come, but… something about how insistent Martin was… well he just couldn’t disappoint that loveable idiot.

Somehow Tim finds he’s managed to keep up with the counting, despite being worlds away in his thoughts. As they approach the final numbers, a feathery sensation begins to spread through his nostrils- no.

Absolutely not, this is not the time. It’s never just one, there’s not enough people here, someone’s gonna notice. And I mean, it’s not like he’s hiding the fact he feels like death, but… drawing that much attention is also not the goal.

“Five! Four!”

“hiehh- h’ngTchh!” He manages to stifle the first, the congestion pounding in his head as the tickle seems to only get worse.

“Three! Two!”

“I cad’t– nNDtch! nGTCh’uh!”

“One–”

As the cheers begin to erupt, Tim ducks into the tissues with a scraping, “ehg’TCHhiew!”

“Happy new years!”

“yiEShh’iew! etchh’uh! hH’AESHH –oo!” Tim dips into his hands again, managing to sink down against the wall as he lets out a congested blow, ending the fit.

“What a way to ring in the new year,” Comes Sasha’s voice, her form blocking the light from Tim’s eyes as he looks up, fever blurring his vision.

“Shud ub.”

“Christ Tim, you sound awful,” Jon adds, his form appearing behind Sasha’s.

“Thagks boss,” Tim retorts, groaning as he notices a third form, Martin’s nervous fidgeting easy to spot even from this angle. Martin remains silent, though his eyes seem to hold more concern than any of them, and… guilt? Or maybe that’s just the delirium.

Glancing up to meet Sasha’s gaze, Tim offers a weary, “Tibe to go hobe?”

She nods softly, kneeling to help him to his feet, Martin wordlessly taking his other arm. Jon stands off to the side, hesitating. What for, who knows. All Tim can focus on is one step after the other, just gotta make it home, then he can sleep. For the rest of forever, at this rate.

As they get to the door, Martin helps wrap the scarf around Tim’s neck, forcing him to lift it from its perch against Sasha’s shoulder. Sasha, for her part, supports his weight with ease, she was always stronger than she looked.

Martin keeps casting glances towards Tim, obviously fretting over something. Too tired to manage his usual charm, Tim gives Martin the softest look he can manage. “Jusd say id, please. You’re makigg me nervous.”

“I’m so sorry I asked you to come, you’re obviously so unwell, and I know I didn’t really know that at the time, but I should have, or at least texted and checked in, I just… I wanted us all to get along so bad and I thought if you came it would mean more fun because you’re always so lively and good at talking to people and-”

Tim holds up a hand, eyes glazing over as Martin stops short, breath coming almost as rapidly as Tim’s. After a minute goes by, Martin starts to open his mouth, seeming confused by the interruption, before nearly jumping out of his skin as Tim ducks into his fist.

“eTCHh’ew! hH’YEAShh –iew! Sorry, I feld those cobigg… waid– hih’ETCHhew! heAYSHh’oo!” Tim ducks down again, Sasha grabbing him tighter to support the harsh shudders as he attempts to keep his balance.

“Oh bless you,” Martin offers, voice coming out timid. Tim gives him, what he hopes is, a warm smile despite the fever taking hold of the last corners of his mind.

“If I didn’t wanna cobe, I would have stayed hobe. I dod’t blame you.”

Martin nods silently, a relief seeming to flood his face. Taking his place once more supporting Tim, they move towards the exit. Opening the door, the first wave of cold floods the entryway, and a chill so violent runs through Tim that both Martin and Sasha take a step back to brace him.

It’s now that Jon speaks up, voice strained with a type of worry Tim hadn’t heard before. “No, we’re absolutely not doing this, I refuse.”

The trio turn towards him. Though perhaps a more accurate description is that Martin and Sasha turn, Tim simply goes along for the ride. Martin mumbles something about ‘no other choice’, but Sasha asks what Jon’s on about.

“It’s too cold out there, it’s the middle of the damn night, there’s no way I’m letting him go home like this.”

“And what do you suggest we do as an alternative? He can’t stay here-” Sasha begins, pausing as Jon turns towards her.

“Why not? I’m the archivist, this is my archive,” Jon begins, pausing for a moment, before adding, “Well, Elias’s, but I hardly think he’d suggest we send an employee home in this weather while they’re this sick. That’s just bad management, he’ll freeze to death before even reaching the train.”

As if to confirm this assumption, Tim shudders violently, ducking into his chest with a tired, “hh’eshhew! eTCHh’iew!” followed by a heavy sigh. Martin mumbles something about covering, but quickly silences himself as Tim begins to tremble again.

Sasha gives Jon a look, seeming to read him for any hints of doubt, perhaps searching for an ulterior motive. After a brief pause, their eyes meeting, she gives a tight nod, approval of some kind.

“Come on Martin, let’s get him back to that couch, he can sleep there for the night,” Sasha directs, Martin nodding his acceptance.

Tim manages to catch snippets of the conversation as they get him settled. Jon fetching him a blanket he keeps in his office. Martin providing some more tea. Sasha grabbing tissues and medication for when he wakes up. Something about Jon sleeping in his office so he’s not alone, and Sasha coming in early to help him home.

With his final bout of consciousness, Tim holds up a hand, the conversation immediately pausing. “Thagk you guys. And… esSHhh’ew! And, I’b sorry.”

All three stare at him for a minute, before Sasha breaks first. Her laughter fills the silence, Martin joining in soon after, and even Jon letting a few chuckles slip out. When they’ve finally collected themselves, Sasha gives Tim a warm smile.

“Sleep well, Tim. I’ll come fetch you in the morning.”

With a content sigh, Tim lets his eyes drift shut again, his consciousness fading to the soft hum of his friends in the background.

Alright, so maybe coddling isn’t quite so bad after all.

#waterfallwrites #the m/agnus a/rchives #was that my tag?? i think it was ahuguh #anyways i wrote this in a flurry of 'i need to do something about my hyperfixation' induced attention span #took many breaks but all in all took about 6ish hours (including the breaks)#and im kinda proud of myself for just! doing it!!#props to my friend for telling me to 'just write something with no pressure and let it be what it is'#so this is a drabble that turned into an actual fic bc i didnt! pressure myself!#if it sucks it sucks- if it doesnt it doesnt- whatever it is i made it and im gonna be happy with that #plus its t/ma which rn is just... SOOO it for me. i am so hyperfixated #and t/im is my beloved i love this man #and i may possibly try to write about j/ons version of this cold and maybe The Cherry Blossom Incident #but i actually have a different t/ma fic in the works so that one comes first <3 #anyways yes here you go!! i toss this into the void! and see if! anyone wants it!#t/ma #t/im s/toker

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 8 months

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shoutout to those nights where the brain says We Literally Cant Do Anything Even Though We Really Want To <3

#brain: we want to do something!#okay! awesome! lets-#brain: NO DO!! only want #cant scribble. cant write. cant read #and so i sit here alternating between staring at several different screens & also the wall #idk if its brain fog or what #it feels like im in waiting mode....#what am i waiting for!!! i would like to know!!!#absolutely unprompted #stg im gonna end up rewatching good omens while grinding for pier fish on acnh #angry at myself for not doing Literally Anything Else!!#i cant even think about my blorbos bc nothing coherent is going on upstairs #its just vague feelings and images and AUGGGH #i hate nights like this!! can i unsubscribe!!! can i opt out!!!#there are several Important Things i need to get done!! why cant i do them!!!#i wish i had some sort of large fruit i could split open and devour To Cope w this smhhhhh #at least then id be doin something...#for once i have the energy but i cant funnel it into anything. sigh

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bellasdragons · 5 months

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traditional new breed drawing on release day! tried to make the crest more like a feathery dilophosaurus... does it look okay?

it's sad to see there are issues with these guys. birbsnake is a great concept for a dragon, but you'd think they'd have run the sketches by people first! not to mention the lore... :( I hope staff addresses, and fixes these problems, sooner rather than later.

#I don't read the lore and hadn't looked at the breed info so was surprised to see the stuff here on tumblr #I felt *something* was off with the crest but couldn't place it #my initial thought was crested eagles #but seeing the lore AND the art (esp. noticable on the hatchling) it's very very obvious #dissapointed with staff not addressing it #and also for not catching in the first place but am willing to give benefit of doubt IF there were different people writing lore and arting #though it's still hard to believe they didn't confer....#anyway.#Catfeathers Art #flight rising #auraboa #also could they pick a more difficult to ptonounce name?!

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seilon · 17 days

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please don’t by k.will did more for the gays back in 2012 than any boy group can possibly do with fan service and crop tops in 2024

#do young kpoppies know about please don’t by k.will. im serious do they know #I think about it a lot #it’s impossible to replicate the feeling of being gay and watching that mv in the 2010s and just getting bodyslammed by the ending.#like he really just dropped that shit in TWENTY TWELVE #kibumblabs #to this day I think that’s the most explicitly gay mv ive seen in kpop by an established artist #(ie not holland. no shade to him but he kinda built his platform on being an openly gay artist and he’s not a big industry name or anything #which makes the impact significantly different. if that makes sense. anyway.)#like think about any other example. almost all of them can be brushed off as fan service or are at least vague enough to be #up for interpretation #please don’t’s ending is nearly fucking impossible to write off as anything but explicitly gay #no fanservice involved. no vague staring in each other’s eyes. just straight up Oh He’s Not Jealous Of His Friend He’s Jealous Of His #Friend’s Fiancé. oh #like that’s the whole point. interpreting it any other way doesn’t make sense with the impact it’s purposefully supposed to make #like seriously try to say ‘he’s just sad he’s losing his friend to marriage :(‘ or something. you have to be REAL fucking stupid or #deeply in denial to make that argument let alone believe it #anyway. I appreciate this mv a lot #k.will the OG of doomed yaoi in kpop #kill me #closest contender off the top of my head is one more day by sistar #also note I am talking about mvs here not songs in general #cause if I were talking about songs in general. key’s out there pretty much writing about gay sex at this point so I mean #k.will #kpop #only adding actual tags because I want you to watch this mv if you haven’t already

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icewindandboringhorror · 5 days

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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

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ahollowgrave · 9 months

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I am hope, I am defeat I am broken, I am complete I am the grace, I am the fall Never one thing no, not one thing at all.

#FFXIV screenshots #Hyur #Middie #Midlander #Paladin #Paladette #something something duality of a nun #do you see?????#anyway the next one they'll be making out #I'm the underbelly / I am the claw #also if that knight one looks familiar it's because it's a reshot of one but I changed the window #the glow from the stained glass windows is intense and I was losing her lil' hand in it #plus I couhldn't recreate the exact lighting from that first test shot because I don't write things down #so here is a slightly different version #pigeon screens

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ghostzzy · 1 year

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it is so unfair that participating in Activities (seeing friends, going places, having experiences) refills my inspiration meter but completely empties my energy meter

#I WANT to write or draw or read or something #but i physically am in 11 different kinds of pain and exhaustion #so im just gonna lay here in the dark with my dog and pray i can recover enough spoons to survive work tomorrow ☹️#izzy.txt

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marinsawakening · 28 days

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The problem with BOTW is that it's obnoxiously popular in the LOZ fandom to the detriment of other games but also unfortunately it's genuinely really really fun to write fanfic for.

#it really hits that perfect fandom balance of good but not THAT good you know #its base is really interesting and you can do a lot with it. there's a lot of freedom to be had playing with its characters and concepts #contrast and compare to Link's Awakening which imo has a way better story and is my most beloved zelda game #but also like. what do i even have to add. how do i write fanfic for it when it has such a great bookend #like i don't even really want to do AUs or change the ending #the reason I like it are the Themes(TM) and changing the story too radically or changing the ending risks losing that #don't get me wrong i can and have written link's awakening fanfic. i am writing link's awakening fanfic right now #but it's a lot harder to come up with concepts bc it already does such a good job with all its stuff #on the other hand botw does not utilize its story potential much yet establishes enough it's fun to expand on #so with link's awakening i'm like ok. how do i put marin in Situations this time when the game's already the best Situation she could be in #and with botw i'm like 'so here's three different link and zelda role reversal AUs'#'this is the one where zelda is transmasc'#'this is the one where urbosa is fighting ganon link is dead and riju and zelda are on a roadtrip'#'and this is the one i'm planning a 40k hubris fic for'#being a fandom hipster is all fun and games until you like something popular #at least i still don't care much about link #my posts #loz #botw

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paellegere · 2 months

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hey girlie it’s me, sam winchesters gay lover, your mootie 🥰🥰🥰 i just wanted to let you know, that your tags on the post about that wincest video are based and i agree with every word, hashtag slay couldn’t agree more i loved reading your essay in those tags heart ❤️

omg thank you!!! i'm basically only capable of talking in essays whether people want me to or not, unfortunately

i just have a lot of feelings on this topic and the whole "canon or not canon" argument is weird to me; the themes are pretty darn clear in supernatural (it is NOT known for its subtlety) so idk man. they don't have to kiss to be canon. and they don't have to have a romantic relationship to be canon either. how many times do they get into relationships with other people only for it to be treated as cheating/betrayal/abandonment, only for them have to give up that relationship in order to reaffirm their devotion to their brother

that's just what the text says. i'm not under any kind of delusion that they have some secret sexual or romantic relationship, but that doesn't change that sam and dean are each other's most important person regardless of that. which is really awesome imo, that romance isn't treated as more important than whatever horrible thing they have with each other, and that they don't have to consummate their relationship with romance/sex in order for it to be the most important one they have

(and of course there's romantic/sexual subtext, like parallels and metaphors and misunderstandings and jokes, but to me that just provides a solid foundation for presenting this relationship between them as the most important even though it's not romantic or sexual—because this language of romance is the only one we know, really, when it comes to writing important relationships between characters. it's the only one we know in our own personal lives, to a large extent. so you use the romance/sexuality to symbolize the actual bond they have. which is so much worse lmao)

anyway i think spn is fairly unique in this way because of how no other relationships can really ever stand parallel to the one they share; even in other shows that center male friendship, romance is allowed to coexist with brotherhood. for sam and dean, it's not, and that becomes a point of tension and conflict and resolution many, many times over the course of the show. so like yeah!!! just because it's not romantic or sexual doesn't mean it's not canon, in the sense that their relationship is the point of the show, and it is the most important relationship they have. they chose each other above all else, every single time. yknow, it's "the epic love story of sam and dean" and all that

#ask #sorry. i did not intend to write another essay about this #but as i said i am only capable of talking in essays. my apologies #to be honest the only reason i have so much to say about this is because i have seen some truly baffling takes about what sam and dean are #and every time i see one i have to sit here and think about it. like how did you arrive at that conclusion. what are you watching #mostly in terms of like. people saying sam and dean are not weird and codependent and enmeshed with each other #that's just blatantly not true because again. this show is about sam and dean and their relationship. textually subtextually metatextually #the concept of even having to defend their relationship as canon is as confusing to me as having to defend umm rubysam is canon #or something #like it happened. they were together in canon. we saw them have sex. you can't say rubysam isn't canon because it's right there #same thing with sam and dean. the difference is the nature of their relationship and the fact that i guess people don't want to like #think of it as canon when it's not romantic????#it's such a no-brainer kind of thing. like the fact that i'm sitting here trying to explain myself is embarrassing me bc it's like #no shit sherlock #but again the only reason i am thinking about this so much is because i keep seeing people trying to deny or downplay their relationship #in the first place #which is BIZARRE to me #like idk i don't see people trying to deny that ummmm fuck. killua and gon hxh aren't canon friends #that they don't even like each other #wow i'm seriously rambling. apparently i have more to say about this topic than i originally conceived #idk man i get people are uncomfortable with incest but the point is that it's like. not. their canon-ness is not related to incest #they're just insane about each other and they are each other's most important person. they are more important than romantic pursuits #the uniqueness is that it trumps all other relationships and cannot coexist with any others. that's what's so canon about it #it's not just friendship. it's not just brothers. it's not just husbands. it's everything and nothing and so much more all at once #shrugs. sorry for rambling AGAIN #i hope i'm making sense here #supernatural #wincest #spn posting

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no-i-cant-decide · 8 months

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Love Unwavering (ao3 link)

Rating: Teen & Up

Word count: 1.2k

Tags: Mild Hurt/Comfort, Rape Recovery, Anxiety

Ben let out a contented sigh as he snuggled himself closer to Callum, relishing the comforting warmth he felt from his husband's chest and the arm draped over his shoulder as they sat on the sofa in their flat. The telly was on, the bright colours from the screen the only source of light in their living room, but Ben wasn't paying much attention to whatever show Callum had clicked on. Instead, Ben's mind had been on something he had discussed with his therapist that afternoon.

Therapy had been going well, Ben felt. He had become more and more comfortable in the group sessions the longer he attended, and had found himself volunteering to speak during one recently. He'd even been able to start one-on-one visits with a therapist, a kind young woman called Jody, and somehow she had made talking about what had happened to him less daunting. It was slow but it was progress, and the weight that had been filling his bones, festering in the pit of his stomach for the better part of the last year and a half, was beginning to feel a little less heavy.

He was far from being his old self—he probably wouldn't ever feel like his old self again—but Ben had found there were more and more instances where he was able to laugh, to enjoy the small moments of peace with his husband and daughter without the clouds of his trauma hanging over him. Jody had taught him ways to cope when things got too overwhelming, which didn't always work and most of them made him feel silly at first, but they helped. Ben was starting to move forward with his life, giving himself the time and space to heal from everything that had happened.

There was one thing that still weighed down his shoulders: intimacy, or the lack of it in his marriage. Callum had been so understanding, full of patience and willingness to wait until Ben was ready. He'd never once pushed him, hadn't even brought it up again since that initial conversation, and knowing that Callum loved him enough—still loved him—to put his own desires aside for him made Ben's heart feel so full.

But, as he had brought up to his therapist at his session earlier that day, Ben was still troubled by one part of Callum's reassurances.

"Cal?"

"Hmm?"

Jody had encouraged Ben to bring it up, reminding him that he wouldn't know how Callum would react for sure until he actually asked. "You remember the night, a few months ago, when I told you about everything?"

"Yeah," Callum said, his fingertips still dancing delicately over Ben's arm.

"And we talked about how, erm, how we haven't been intimate since before?"

Ben was trying his best to keep his voice even, to not let Callum hear how scared he was to bring this up again. He knew he didn't have to hide what he was feeling, that Callum wasn't going to judge him or laugh at him, but it didn't make it any easier to speak the words.

He continued, "And you told me that we could wait as long as I needed until I was ready to try?"

Callum's fingers stopped their movements. “’Course, and I meant it then and still mean it now.”

"What if I'll never be ready?" Ben whispered the question, afraid his words would choke him if spoken too loudly.

"You don't have to rush yourself, babe," Callum told him softly, echoing his answer from the night in question. "I want you to be completely, one hundred percent sure that you're ready. I promise I'm good to wait."

"But I might never get there."

Callum paused for only a moment or two, but even that was enough to fill Ben with dread at the possibility that his anxieties were warranted. But when he spoke next, Callum's voice gave nothing away.

"Do you not want to?" he asked. "I don't mean now, but do you think you won't want to ever in the future either?"

"I dunno," Ben answered honestly, unable to bring himself to look his husband in the eye. He didn't want to see disappointment in them, didn't think he could handle the possibility of Callum living out their marriage regretfully and full of resentment.

"It's okay if you don't," Callum assured him gently, pressing his lips into Ben's hair. "I won't be upset."

Ben took a deep breath, in and out, but said nothing. A quiet fell over them, but it wasn't tense. He knew Callum wasn't lying, wasn't just saying what he thought he should say. He hadn't stormed off, hadn't chastised Ben, or tried to convince him that he'd need to push through his hesitation. Callum stayed with him, his arm around Ben's shoulders, solid and soothing.

"It scares me to think about it, really," Ben finally admitted, his hands fidgeting in his lap. "And it's hard for me to think that things might be different later on, because they haven't been yet. It's like he's always there, lurking beneath the surface. Taunting me."

Ben felt Callum pull him a little closer at the mention of Lewis, holding him a little tighter. Protective and safe, strong in the ways Ben loved most about him.

"After it happened," he continued, "I was so desperate to replace the feeling of him, and I tried but even though it weren't him I kept smelling his aftershave or feeling his hands on me. Hearing his voice. I had to be completely off my head to do anything and it still didn't work. He was still right there, it just made him fuzzier."

Gaining a bit of courage, Ben turned his head to meet Callum's gaze. He didn't see any of the emotions he had been afraid to find, only love and care in those crystal blue eyes.

"I don't want it to be like that with you," he confessed with watery eyes and half a smile.

Callum reached out to cup Ben's jaw, running his thumb gently over his cheek. "I don't either, darling. If, well enough into the future, you decide you want to try, then I'm here. But if that day never comes, or we do try and we can't because it doesn't feel right, then that is okay, too. I ain't going anywhere."

And then Callum said what Ben needed to hear most, the words that he knew were true and had the power to burn away the fears that continuously scratched at the back of his mind.

"I still love you."

"Even if I'm too broken to have sex?" Ben had tried to say it like a joke, but the words came out too harsh.

"I love you right now today just as much as yesterday and the day before that. Every day for the last four years and every day after." Callum leaned down and left a lingering kiss on Ben's forehead. When he pulled back they shared warm smiles, and it was like this moment between them was the only one that mattered; the culmination of every moment in their relationship thus far, and every moment after. Their love was unconditional, forever, just like they had promised. "Sex ain't a deal-breaker for me, Ben. We'll cross that bridge when, or if, we come to it. But I'm happy so long as I'm with you."

#ballum #ben x callum #eastenders #ben mitchell #callum highway #leo writes fanfic #trying something different and posting the full fic here too in case any of you folks don't have accounts on ao3 #i am still working on the ben dress fic but this idea was rattling around in my head too after their scenes a couple weeks ago #so i had to get it out lol

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