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babiesdreams · 3 years

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Hi, can I request an nct (you can do Ot23 or a specific unit, that's up to you!) reaction to you self harming? 👉👈🥺 If you don't want to write it, that's ok, of course ❤️❤️ Thank you!!!

I can. But as I always say, please if you feel represented by this, get help, reach out to someone to talk about this issues and remember that there’s always an option. Feel free to message me and find this blog as your safe zone. Everyone’s welcome in here.

Self harm +18 (Because of the topic, not sexual things involved) Ot23

Warnings: Mentions of blood, self harm, mental issues, angsty stuff.

Taeyong 🌹 : He notices before it’s too late. He knows the process you normally go through before doing it, so when he notices, he quickly stops you. He gets you out of the bathroom and talks to you, calming you down with his words, trying to make sense of his and your messy thoughts. He reminds you how much time you’ve been without doing it and how he’s proud of you.

Taeil 🌕 : His eyes can’t get off your hand, holding a sharp pair of scissors, looking at how blood comes out from your recently cutted skin. Tears fall down his cheeks, as he stays still, unable to move a single muscle. “How... I-” His stutter makes you drop the scissors onto the floor. You start crying along with him, regretting absolutely everything. Taeil’s mind is stuck in a “What did I do wrong?” mindset for a while, thinking he should have done more.

Johnny 🐱 : He screams as soon as he sees you “Stop!” You can basically hear his heart breaking, and that kills you. “I- I-” You try to explain yourself, but there isn’t really an explanation to your habit, so you stutter, not knowing what to say or do. “You don’t need to say anything, I’m here, everything will be alright okay?” He hugs you for a long time and makes sure you never get to that stent again.

Yuta 🐙 : “Why is your... What happened?” He doesn’t quite understand at first, as it’s something he never pictured you to be doing, ever. You have to explain everything to him, calmed down and as racionally as you possibly can, and he’ll be cuddling you for a long while.

Kun 🐻 : “What’s this?” He asks brushing over your recent scars. You can’t hold back your tears while explaining what you were doing. He listens to you patiently, trying to calm you down as much as he can. He comforts you and makees sure you get the help you need.

Doyoung 🐰 : You are the one who tells him. “Why would you...” He tries speak his mind but prefers to keep some things to himself to avoid hurting you. “Just know you can trust in me okay? Everytime you feel like doing it come to me and we’ll talk, just... Don’t ever do it again please”

Ten 🐱 : “What are these bruises babe? Did someone harm you?” You felt ridiculous, how were you gonna explain to him that you were basically beating yourself up? How are you supposed to explain that? “I- um” After you explain him the situation he would get concerned about your behaviours, even if you didn’t think it was that important, it’s still a form of self harm. “You need to get help before this get worse. Even if I’m here, you need a professional”

Jaehyun 🍑 : “We need to talk” His serious tone has you wishing he won’t break up with you or something like that, but when he brings up the topic, you wish you were death, under the ground, just not there. You get how it’s something important to talk about, but it’s also embarrassing to feel exposed like that. “I’m not judging you babe, I’m just worried because you’re not seeing a problem in here”

Winwin 🐥 : He’s sad about it, but he hides it so damn well. He keeps calm and stays serious, in ways you never seen him before, but when you’re not watching he cries rivers. The simple thought of losing you is just too much for him and he can’t hold back tears.

Jungwoo 🐶 : You let the overall fall into the ground, revealing your naked body, along with your scars and cuts. You never felt so exposed in your life, but you were also happy it was him you showed it to. “I’m glad you decided to stop doing it and being so brave to show me baby, just thank you for trusting me”

Lucas 🦁 : Drops the bags he was holding and runs towards you. “What did you- Baby, no- Stop this has to stop. What do you need? Whatever it is I’ll get it for you just don’t please-” He’s so heartbroken. You’re everything for him and seeing you at your lowest just breaks him.

Mark 🐆 : “No hey, hey stop” He says when you start crying out of nowhere. “What happened? Tough day?” You shake your head, not knowing how to bring the conversation up. “I-” You simply say, showu¡ing him your recent cuts, starting to heal. “What’s wrong? Why didn′t you talk to me baby? Were you scared of my reaction?” You simply nod and hug him, letting your feelings explode suddenly. “Just, We’ll get some help for you okay?”

Xiaojun 🦕 : “I know I can seem cold, but don’t you trust me enough for this baby? I wouldn’t even judge you, I just wanna help you. Will you let me?” His words get you feeling even more emotional, as if you were doing something wrong. “I will, trust you Xiaojun, it’s just, I’ve never told anyone before and..” You are not able to finish your sentence before you burst into tears. “I’ts alright sweetie” He says hugging you tightly.

Hendery 🐴 : Asks you a lot about it. “Why did you do it? But when did you get that thought? Can I do something to help?” He’s truly helpless but the way he tries makes you feel better about it. He makes you realize you do need help, and proffessional one, people who will understand it even better than you. And his cuddles just brush the pain away.

Renjun 🦊 : He’s worried about your health in general, as you barely eat, don’t take care of yourself and basically sleep all day long. He’s concious of the risks of this kind of live, and it makes him wonder how far it could go. He basically talks it out with you and helps you get back to your normal self. It’s a tough path but having him besides you makes it better.

Jeno 🐶 : “Okay, first let’s get bandaids, and then we’ll talk okay?” He takes care of your injuries, keeping his calmed nature. “There’s nothing to worry about baby, this will never happen again, because I’m here okay?” You nod, still frowning uncontrollably. “Come here” He says pulling you into a hug. “Calm down okay? calm down” He whispers while drawing patterns on your neck.

Haechan 🐻 : Silence feels the room, as both of your eyes look at each other. The intense exchange is really scary to you. He’s just too broken and the fact that you did it with your own actions, kills you inside. “I can explain-” You say. But the tears falling down the boy’s cheeks stop you from talking anymore. “Never again please” are the only words he’s able to say while you embrace him. “I promise” You whisper in his ear. “Pinky promise?” He asks and you nod, repeating his words. “Pinky promise”

Jaemin 🐰 : You were sleeping on his chest and, in between carresses he finds out some recent scars on your skin. At first he’s terrified, not knowing what to do. But after searching for info on the internet he decides to confront you. He makes a whole plan on how to tell you, gives you different phones from mental health clinics nearby, buys you chocolate and all your favourite snacks and tries to make some positive memories out of it, to give you some hope about your future.

Yangyang 🐑 : “You said you needed to talk?” He asks scared. You nod at him and try to keep calm as you expose your concerns and alarming recent behaviours. “I just thought you needed to know..” He nods, still processing your words. “You know I’ll be here, no matter what happens, so don’t be ashamed or reserved about your feelings okay? I won’t judge you”

Shotaro 🦦 : You talk to him, why you’ve been hiding your body lately, why you felt so bad, so not you, so ugly and terrible. And even if he gets upset by the words you use to describe yourself, he tries his best to understand your feelings. “I also feel like that sometimes Y/n but this is not the way. Please just don’t ever do it again”

Chenle 🐬 : “Did you burn your hand cooking something?” He asks and you inmediately start sweating. It’s not how people usually see self harm so it was easier to lie about it, but why would you lie to him? So after a long time thinking, you tell him about it, making sure he understands your concerns and why you did it and everything. He tries his best to get your point but recommends you to talk it out with a professional rather than himself.

Sungchan 🦌 : “Okay so you’re not eating, barely do anything, hide yourself from the world and you want me to think you’re fine? I’m not stupid Y/n, you can trust me you know?” You look at him in the eyes and sigh, knowing he’s right. “Okay, but it’s not that important...” He would be hugging you the whole time.

Jisung 🐹 : He’s shaking, scared of what he’s seeing. He can’t belive you did that. He can’t believe he didn’t notice before. He blames himself for hours, there’s no way he did the right thing. He was supposed to be your support and instead he didn’t notice you were harming yourself. “I’m so sorry baby” He would say before hugging you.

——————————————————————

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kinkstuffig · 4 years

Text

Ana Boys

*OC first person narrative. *

I sat in the dorm, waiting for everything to calm down. The world kept spinning. Maybe I was drunk but I can’t remember the last time I had a drink of alcohol. I didn’t feel well at all and that was before the voices started talking to me. I was used to them now but they still scared me. Not the fact that they were there but that the things they said were true. I always believed them even if everyone else told me that they (or I) was wrong.

Parker came in then, a tall blond boy with green eyes and a terrible temper. We had become friends since I started going to the academy but I was still skittish around him.

“Hi” I said, and waved tentatively. Parker came over to the bed I was sitting on and looked down at me. He was much taller than I was.

“Why haven’t you come down to lunch yet?” he asked, a bit angrily.

The voices told me why I shouldn’t but I came up with a better excuse. “I just don’t feel well,” I replied, wrapping my arms around my middle. Actually, I did feel kind of sick. Parker narrowed his eyes.

“Are you avoiding us?” he nearly yelled.

“W-What?” i stuttered. “W-why would you think that?” Tears were pricking the back of my eyes but only from nervousness.

“You never come out with us anymore, you won’t eat anything with us, whenever we do go out, you hide behind someone or spend all your time in some store or bathroom. If that doesn’t sound like you avoiding us, then i don’t know what does.You’re a terrible friend.”

I felt the tears fall down my cheeks before I even registered that I was crying. Parker had already stormed off but I still whispered, “You’re right.”

After about thirty minutes, during which i nearly cried myself to sleep, i heard another of my friends come up the stairs. Quickly, i tried to sit up and wipe the tears off my face, but suddenly a spike of nausea ran up my throat. I covered my mouth and swallowed hard, trying not to be sick.

At this point, Karina was standing outside the door, knocking, because she actually understood privacy. I stood up and walked toward the door, then stopped and doubled over, holding a hand to my mouth. Garbling something like “Come in,” i ran for the bathroom.

Karina entered and looked around her, surprised to find the room empty. Then she heard my retching from the bathroom and came running.

“Hon, are you ok?” she asked worriedly.

I groaned, and vomited again, although not much was coming up.

“Poor thing,” she murmured, and rubbed my back until i was done being sick. Looking into the toilet, she said, “I know this is awkward, but, babe, puke isn’t supposed to such a disturbing shade of red.”

I took a quick glance at the toilet’s contents before flushing them away. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry. I had some…” i searched for a red food. “Um.. tomatoes for lunch. I guess they were a little overripe.”

“Ok,” she sighed. “You really don’t eat enough. I can’t remember the last time i saw you with a slice of pizza.”

Although my mouth watered at the tempting image, the voices started yelling again. My stomach began to churn and i heard a loud gurgle emanating from my middle. “Let’s not talk about food,” i groaned quietly.

She laughed a little and nodded, then started rubbing my belly.

“Hey, what are you doing?” i protested. She stopped and looked at me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.” i looked down and blushed. “I’m just not really comfortable with… touching, y’know?”

“It’s fine,” she replied, though sounding a little disappointed. “Anyway, i nearly forgot the original reason i came up here.” I looked at her questioningly and she continued. “We sent Parker up to see if you wanted to come eat lunch with us. When he came back, he seemed really angry as he told us you weren’t coming. We asked why and he said, i quote, “He f***ing doesn’t feel good. The little b****.” Then he stormed off.”

Tears came into my eyes again as i remembered his previous words and paired them with these new ones. So it was official. He hated me. And Karina would probably hate me for puking in front of her. And now crying, as i had begun to sob quietly into my hands.

“I’m sorry,” i whispered.

“Don’t be sorry, hon. He’s just a jerk who needs to cool down a lot. He wasn’t really mad. He just misses spending time with you.”

That just made me cry harder. Which gave me the hiccups. Which made me start to puke again. Karina looked slightly grossed out by the scene in front of her. Apparently she was because she said, “If you need anything, call me. I’m going to go tell the gang where you are. I’ll come back in a bit. Feel better.”

I sobbed over the mess, noticing that there definitely was a large amount of blood in it. I wondered where it had come from, then remembered my sore middle. Sighing, i lay down with my cheek against the cold tile floor. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to be alive. It hurt to be me. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up in an unfamiliar bed, dressed in someone else’s pajamas, and strangely comfortable in my odd surroundings. Snuggling under the plaid comforter, I rolled over. And found myself face to neck with someone I would know anywhere. Jack, with his longish, shaggy hair, big brown eyes, and olive complexion. Immediately, I checked that I had pants on, which of course I did, but still. My sudden movement must have woken him up, because he rolled over and opened sleepy eyes.

“Hey sunshine. It’s about time you got up.”

I felt my stomach constricting, just from his gaze. Me being in the same room with my senpai, for even two minutes, would give me butterflies. Now I was in his bed, wearing (presumably) his clothes, and he was talking to me. I was going to be sick and this was going to be mortifying.

“Actually, I think i will get up,” I said quietly, and tried to. Unfortunately for me, the mere motion of sitting up made me so dizzy I fell back on the bed again.

“Take it easy, Luc.” I nodded and tried to sit up again but he pushed me back down firmly. “The doctor said for you to stay in bed. Well, not the doctor, but Lizzy counts.”

“I have to pee,” I whined, blushing.

“Oh,” he looked down. “Let me help you then.”

“Help me pee?” I nearly shrieked.

He was very red by now and so was I. “No, I mean, yes, I mean. You can barely stand up, much less walk to the bathroom across the hall on your own. Let me help.” He looked down at me and smiled crookedly.

“Fine,” I grumbled, although I relished the idea of him carrying me.

He pushed off the blankets and stood up, revealing a fine pair of batman boxers. “You like batman?” i asked.

“Everyone knows he’s the best,” the brunette said as he pulled the sheets back into place.

“What about superman?” I challenged.

“Hah. That loser. Haven’t you seen the movie yet?” He gently piled pillows up until I was in a sitting position and then helped me maneuver my legs off the bed.

“Nope. And don’t spoil it for me. I want it to be a surprise.” I stood up and nearly collapsed onto him.

“I know who wins, and it starts with a B,” he teased as he supported nearly my full weight, which wasn’t that much.

“Meanie,” I said, and punched him in the arm.

“You hit like a girl.”

“Maybe I am a girl.”

“Nope. Lizzy checked you out and said you’re male through and through.”

“Is that how I got into these pj’s, and by the way they are really nice.”

“Thank you, and yes. You didn’t think I’d change you myself, did you.”

I shivered, glad he hadn’t seen me. I’m hideous. We had reached the bathroom by now, and he stopped to open the door. “I can go by myself,” I protested as he came in with me. “Really, I’m a big boy now. Wait outside. I’ll call you if I need anything.”

“Ok. If you’re sure.” He looked down at me like i was his little brother, even pushing the hair out of my eyes. He walked out and shut the door behind him. I turned the lock and he said, “I heard that. Don’t you trust me?”

I don’t trust anyone, but I unlocked it anyway, just to make him happy. I did my business and as I was washing my hands, he called through the door, “What do you want for breakfast?”

Breakfast? He was probably expecting me to eat. Lizzy would have told him that I needed to if I was supposed to get better. All the nausea from the day before flooded back, setting my stomach to churning.

When Jack didn’t hear a response he started listing things we could eat. “I have toaster waffles and bread for plain toast and bagels and cereal and I can make pancakes if you want and…”

I started heaving into the sink. I couldn’t help it. My stomach rebelled at even the thought of food. This was going to be a long day, I thought.

The door opened and Jack rushed in. “Lucas.” That was all he said. Just my name. Because after he said my name, he saw what was in the sink. I didn’t need to look down. The expression on his face told me everything.

“Lucas, you are going to a hospital and you are going now,” he said and grabbed my arm.

I couldn’t throw up again, I didn’t have anything left, but I still felt awful. And a hospital would only make it worse. “No.” I said, and tried to pull away.

He didn’t let go. “Don’t fight me. Please.”

“I’m not going to a hospital.” I sat down on the floor, dragging him with me. I’d rather eat than go to a hospital. Too many people die there and I don’t want to be one of them.

Just thinking about hospitals made me start to cry a little. “Come with me. Please,” Jack begged, giving me the puppy dog eyes that worked every time.

“No,” I said again, and pulled away, curling up in a ball in the corner of the room. I must have been crying enough for him to notice, because he came over and wrapped his arms around me, rocking me back and forth. “Shhh,” he whispered into my hair. “What’s so bad about a doctor? They can make you better if you let them. You let Lizzy help you. What’s the difference between Lizzy and a real nurse.”

I sniffed. “Lizzy’s hands are warm and she doesn’t try to put n-n-needles in me.”

“Mmmhmm,” he murmured. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

He picked me up, then put me down again and looked at me, surprised. “You are really light, Lucas.”

I looked at him curiously. He must be joking. I weighed nearly a hundred pounds. I was way too fat for someone to be saying I was light. Especially with that worried look he was giving me.

“Take your shirt off,” he said finally.

“What?” I asked, apprehensively, covering myself with my arms.

“I said take your shirt off, dammit. I’m not going to rape you or anything.” He was yelling at me. Why was he angry? Did I do something wrong again?

I pulled the top over my head but stayed curled up in a ball.

“Now stand up.” He sounded annoyed. I definitely did something wrong. But what? Well, I puked in his sink, probably stained it red, also slept in his bed which contaminated it with whatever disease I had, he might have payed Lizzy to look at me. She usually didn’t work for free. Oh, and don’t forget, I got tears all over his pajama top. Yeah, that was probably it.

I hadn’t moved, so he reached down and pulled me to my feet, dragging me to a full length mirror along the wall. “Take a good look at yourself, Luc,” he said as he ran his hands over my abdomen.

“Stop that,” I said while pushing his hands away. “I don’t like it. And i don’t want to.”

“Look.” He turned my head toward the mirror and wouldn’t let me look away.

I saw a tall, thin boy looking back at me. He had bright red hair hanging over one side of his face with a white streak in it. His blue eyes were slightly sunken and red from crying. Dark circles sat under them and his skin was extremely pale. But as I looked lower down I saw hideousness, too horrible to describe. I was awful. I am awful.

I started to cry again. “I hate it. I hate it,” I screamed to no one in particular.

“What do you hate?” he asked, still not letting me turn my head.

“I hate me. I’m terrible.”

“Why are you terrible?”

“I’m fat and ugly and everyone hates me and I want to die,” I sobbed.

Jack sighed and let go. I collapsed backwards into his arms and just lay there, limply. “Lucas. I can see your bones. I can count all of your ribs. That isn’t healthy.”

“Did we not already establish that I’m sick?” i asked.

“Lizzy just thought you had a severe flu bug and that you hadn’t told anyone about it because you didn’t want someone to have to take care of you.”

If I actually had a flu bug, that’s probably what I would have done, but apparently I didn’t.

“So, what do I have if it’s not the flu?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I want a real doctor to look at you. Maybe he can make you feel better.”

I knew I could no longer pull the I feel fine card. Those days had long passed. I groaned into his shirt. “Fine. I”ll go to the Hospital but you have to come with me and hold my hand.”

He smiled down at me. “I couldn’t imagine leaving you there by yourself.”

Jack helped me put the top back on and then carried me into the car. The short drive to St. Mary’s Hospital was filled with the sound of Disney channel. I laughed as cartoon characters danced across the screen, making Jack’s serious face break into a grin.

The lady at the desk told us to wait for a little bit, so we sat down in the waiting area. I curled up on Jack’s lap and he didn’t protest. “You know, you made Parker cry.”

“I did?” I asked, leaning into his shoulder. He was so soft and smooth, all over it seemed. “But Parker never cries.”

“He cried for you. When he realised that you were actually sick, he felt really bad for yelling at you. He thought that you just didn’t like being with us anymore and kind of felt left out. He really broke down, though, when Karina told him that you started throwing up again because you were crying about what he said. He hates to see you hurting.”

“I was sick because I’m sick, not because of him.”

“He knows. He just feels really bad. Be prepared for the best servant you will ever have to come visit you when you are better.”

“Servant?”

“If he feels like he’s wronged anyone, he’ll wait on them hand and foot until he feels like he has filled his debt.”

“Lucas?” A curly haired nurse beckoned to us.

Jack picked me up and carried me as he followed the nurse. People started looking at us and I blushed. “Jack, they’re staring.”

“So? Let them stare. There’s no law about where your eyes can go in public. Besides, why do you care?”

I blushed harder and pressed my head into his shirt. “That’s what I thought,” he laughed.

We entered a white room, super big and yet it made me claustrophobic at the same time. I didn’t realized I’d clenched his shirt in my fingers until he put me down on the bench and I had to let go. As soon as the physical contact left, I could feel my heartbeat speeding up, my lungs constricting, I couldn’t breathe.

Jack noticed my odd behavior and quickly recognised them as signs of a panic attack. He got up on the bench with me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Hey, Luc, it’s ok. I’m right here. If it makes you feel better, I won’t let go.”

I shook my head and leaned back into his warm chest, breathing his scent in deeply. “Promise that you’ll never let me go.” I closed my eyes, not expecting him to respond, but then I felt him kiss the back of my neck. I could feel myself turning red all over.

“I promise,” he whispered into my ear.

Just then, the doctor entered. His old face crinkled into a smile as he saw us sitting on the bench together. “It just warms my heart to see young couples like you come here together. It’s nice to know that you have someone to depend on.”

We looked at each other and then back at him. “We’re not a couple,” we said in unison, then looked at each other again, confused.

The doctor laughed and winked. “Of course not. Now, which one of you is Lucas Ray.” I raised my hand and he said, “I understand you haven’t been feeling well lately.”

“No, sir.” I knew he was only trying to help me but still doctors made me nervous, even with Jack holding me. “I’ve been dizzy and being s-s-sick, and my stomach hurts.” I blushed and looked down, not wanting to continue. The doctor seemed to know there was something more, though, and he turned to Jack.

“Does your partner have any other symptoms?” He asked, kindly.

I could tell Jack himself was uncomfortable discussing me, but he was brave enough to do what he had to. “He has been complaining of stomach pain for several weeks, although I doubt it was real until two weeks ago. He is vomiting mainly blood and he has lost a lot of weight.”

The doctor nodded. “Lucas, do you think you could step on a scale for me?” I nodded and hopped down from the bench, getting goosebumps where Jack’s arms had been. The doctor indicated where I should stand and i stepped up, turning my head away so I wouldn’t have to see the awful number.

“110 lbs.” The doctor said as he wrote it down in a notebook. (160 = healthy for 6 foot male) “May I check your temperature as well?” I nodded and he stuck the thermometer in my ear, then wrote down another number. He also checked my blood pressure and listened to my breathing. I saw him frown as he ran his hands over my back, but he didn’t say anything to me.

Instead, he turned to Jack. “You say he’s been puking up blood? For how long?”

“Well, he was sick in the sink this morning when I mentioned food and yesterday when a friend of ours made him upset. Those were the only two times I was present but their could have been more.”

I spoke up, slightly timidly. “Um, excuse me, but this is my doctor’s appointment and I can speak for myself here.”

The doctor turned to me. “How long has there been blood in your vomit?”

I blushed and looked down, shaking my head.

“That’s why,” said the doctor. “Unfortunately, in your suspected condition, you are not expected to be able to tell the truth. Not because you want to lie, but because you simply believe something that isn’t true.” He turned to Jack again. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to you outside for a minute.”

Jack turned to me. “Will you be alright alone in here? Five minutes, tops. I promise.”

I nodded and turned away but my heart was already starting race as they closed the door. What if I had something serious, like cancer? What if I was going to die? What if I never saw Jack again? What if I hyperventilated so much that I passed out on the bench, which is exactly what happened.

I woke up to Jack standing over me whispering, “Lucas, I’m here. I’m here.” He was rubbing his face with his hands. They were really soft, his hands. Then I saw the doctor on the other side with a worried look on his face.

“Excuse me son, but do you happen to suffer from anxiety?”

I just clutched at Jack’s hand, so he nodded for me. “Yes, sir. He nearly had a panic attack before you came in to check on him. It was because I put him down. I think he gets nervous when I leave.” i blushed but i didn’t let go.

“Well, I’ll leave and see if it makes him more comfortable. Make sure you give him some water. There’s a sink in the corner. Call me when you think you’re ready for the prescription.” The doctor walked out.

Jack sat down on the bench and picked me up, setting me on his lap again and wrapping me up in a gentle bear hug. I had started shaking when the doctor said prescription. “Shh. Luc. It’s ok now. I’m here. I’ve got you,” he whispered into my hair.

“A-am I going to die?” I whimpered.

“No. I won’t let that happen. Ever.” His arms tightened ever so slightly, reassuring me of his realness.

“Then why does the doctor seem so angry with me? What’s my suspected condition?”

Jack sighed. “He’s not angry with you, just concerned. Drink some water and I’ll tell you what he thinks you have.”

“You’re a meanie,” I said, but I got a Dixie cup and filled it with water, then drank. The liquid felt odd going down my throat and it made my chest freeze but it was just water. I didn’t think water had any calories or at least not many. Then I climbed back into Jack’s lap, preparing myself for his news.

Jack began. “The doctor says that you’re terribly underweight.” I cringed, thinking how that was just the opposite, but he continued. “Your temperature and blood pressure are both lower than is healthy and your breathing is shallow. You barely have any muscle. He thinks you’ve been vomiting much more than you’ve told anyone and it’s irritating the linings of your stomach and esophagus, which explains the blood.” He sighed and hugged me tight. It hurt a little but I didn’t mind. “Lucas, he thinks you have anorexia, along with a little overdose of anxiety and depression.”

Oh no. People with anorexia. I had heard about those people. They got put into a hospital and couldn’t see anyone until they were better. And being in the hospital this long was already making me feel worse. Or maybe it was just the talking about medical stuff. Either way, my head began to hurt and i started retching. Jack dragged me to nearby garbage bin but i had already made a watery pink mess on the floor.

I started to cry for what seemed like the millionth time today. “I’m sorry,” i said as he wiped my mouth off with a paper towel. “I didn’t mean to be sick again. I just.. I just..” i was crying too hard to talk.

Jack picked me up and started rocking me a little. “It’s ok, baby. I know it hurts.”

The doctor came back in and looked at the odd scene, putting the pieces together in his head. “I take it he didn’t take the news very well.”

“I don’t want to leave,” i wailed. “I want to stay with Jack. Or Jack to stay with me. Don’t make me go to a scary hospital forever. This was bad enough.”

Jack rubbed my back, trying to calm me down. It was soothing but i was still panicky, afraid he would let go and someone would try to drag me away.

The doctor said gently, “There is a way that we could treat you from home.”

I looked up, my tearstained face full of hope.

“You need to start eating again. We have a special diet for patients like you. Start out slow with just a little to get your stomach used to food again. We’ll also give you some medicine for the pain and to try to heal the irritation but this process will take a while and you’ll need to live with someone who can make sure you are eating and force you too if necessary. If you still aren’t eating, then you will have to come to a hospital.”

Jack raised his hand. “I volunteer.”

I nearly grinned.

“Lucas can stay at your house then. I’ll have the pharmacy send you the first of those prescriptions. The instructions are on the package. I’ll have a sample of the vomit tested, just to make sure there isn’t something we’re missing. I’m confident the problem will be sorted out soon, though.”

“Thank you,” Jack said, shaking the doctor’s hand. He stood up to take me out but the doctor grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around.

“There’s just one more thing, i’m afraid. Lucas is dehydrated and if he can barely hold down water, we’ll need to put some food and vitamins into him before he starts his diet, in case he has some unexpected side effects.”

My eyes grew wide in fear. I knew what was coming but i asked anyway. “What do you mean, put into me?”

“We’ll need to insert them through an IV drip. It should only take an hour or two but it will mean you’ll have to stay here until around noon. Will that be inconvenient?”

Jack shook his head and tightened his grip on me. He could feel me tensing up and he wasn’t sure if it was because i was going to run or scream. “No, that will be just fine. There’s only one problem. Luc here has a slightly extreme fear of N-E-E-D-L-E-S.” he spelled it to make me feel better but i wasn’t any less scared.

“I’m sorry, but there’s not much we can do about that. Do you think he will be alright if you sit with him the whole time?”

“Well?” Jack looked down at me.

I gave my head a sharp nod and then buried it in his shirt. I didn’t want the doctor to see me cry about something as stupid as needles and i wasn’t going to be able to help it.

“Good. Nurse Ellen will prep him in the room down the hall.” the doctor opened the door and pointed, then walked the opposite direction.

Jack lifted up my head. “Really, i need to know if you can do this. You can be hurt very badly if you try to rip the IV out of your arm before it’s time.”

“You promise to stay with me the whole time?”

“Promise.”

“You won’t even leave to use the bathroom?”

“I’ll pee in a garbage can if i have to. Just look away.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” i asked as he carried me down the hall. “I mean i know we’re friends and everything, but the others seemed like they got really annoyed by me alot.”

“I am very tolerant and i.. I like you. I don’t want to see you hurting yourself and i suspected something like this for a while. I didn’t say anything because i thought you’d be offended.” he said this all in a rush but i managed to make most of it out.

“Wait, what was that part at the beginning? You.. like me?”

He looked down and blushed.

“What is there to like about this? You’re carrying me through a hospital hallway to a room where i’m about to scream for two hours while you watch and you just saw me throw up twice, one of which probably stained your sink.”

“I think i’ve always liked you,” he said, turning redder. “I just never really admitted it to myself until now. I like taking care of people. What better way to get to know you than by taking care of you?”

“You don’t want to know me,” i said, miserably. “I don’t even want to know myself.”

“Don’t say that. You’re a wonderful person. Everybody has a few flaws. We wouldn’t be human without them.”

We reached the room and he set me down in a chair as we waited for the nurse.

In my head i was thinking, i’m not human. But i didn’t say it to him. I didn’t want to ruin the moment.

The nurse entered the room, carrying a tray. I tried not to look at the shiny, sharp things on the tray, but i couldn’t help myself. She smiled and i noticed her teeth were very white. And pointed.

“Sugar, can you get up on this bed for me?” she purred. It sounded so ominous when she said it.

I climbed up onto the bed, trying to get comfortable. Unfortunately, hospital beds are not the easiest things to get comfortable in and i was soon tangled in the sheet.

“Here, honey. Let me help you.” She pulled the cloth from around my legs and her nails dug into my skin. They were very long.

Jack sat down next to me, ready to help, but the nurse pushed him away. “Hon, this is my job and it’s harder when you’re in the way.” Jack started to protest but she continued. “Don’t worry about your boyfriend (she said this in a sarcastic way.) He’s a big boy and he can take care of himself, can’t you?” She turned her glaring face toward me. I didn’t answer but i scooted as far away from her as i could. Which wasn’t very far, as i was already backed up against the wall.

Jack mouthed, “I’m sorry” as the nurse shoved him into a chair. I gave a weak smile but i barely convinced myself.

The nurse turned back to me. “Are you ready hon?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but went directly to the procedure. She swabbed my arm with the alcohol. It stung. Her hair was in my face, long and blond, hanging around me. It was suffocating. I could feel it strangling me. It was….

She backed away and i was able to breathe again. Jack looked at me reassuringly. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. I was too busy staring at the needle. Long and sharp, glinting in the light from the slightly flickering bulb on the ceiling. She held it up, like an assasin preparing to strike. I’m gonna die i’m gonna die i’m gonna die was the song on repeat in my head.

Pain shot up my arm as she slid the needle smoothly into my flesh. I saw blood slide up into the tube at the end. I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out. As she put the tape on, the edges of my vision began to blur. I couldn’t feel anything.

I saw Jack out of the corner of my eye, but then the nurse’s face filled up the space. She pushed him out of the way again and got very close to me. Her suffocating hair, sharp teeth, evil glint in her eyes. She was a vampire! She was trying to murder me! I’m dying… was the last thought i had before completely blacking out.

Jack’s POV

The weird nurse wouldn’t let me get close to Lucas. She kept pushing me away and looking at him hungrily. He looked so afraid, i just wanted to hold him, tell him i was there, let him know he was safe. Although, i wasn’t even sure i was safe with that creepy nurse.

And then when she stuck that needle into him… He started screaming, like i’ve never heard anyone. I tried to go to him again, but she wouldn’t let me. She bent over him and i didn’t know what else to do. I pulled her off, but she fought back, slashing at me with surprisingly sharp nails, and she even bit me. I had to take her scarf and tie her to a chair with it before she stopped trying to claw my eyes out.

A doctor came in, probably from all the noise we were making. When he saw the nurse on the floor, he came over and untied her. I was standing innocently in the corner, and with all of her swearing, the doctor barely noticed me. He seemed to think the nurse was injured and ended up half dragging her out of the room. I was left alone in the room with Lucas. Who was still screaming.

The door didn’t have a lock on it so i shoved one of the chairs under the handle. It’s not that i didn’t trust anyone, i was just sort of paranoid that the scary nurse would come back. I couldn’t bear to see her hurting Lucas again.

I turned back toward the bed where he was lying. His small pink mouth was open in eternal screaming. I saw his chest rise every time he took a breath but they were so short that i didn’t know how he hadn’t suffocated yet.

I clambered onto the bed and looked at his arm. It didn’t seem as though anything was out of order but i didn’t want to hurt him more by taking it out. I looked at the bag that fluid was flowing out of into him. It was still three-fourths full. We would be here for a while.

I lay down on the bed next to him, wrapping my arms around him like i did during his panic attack. I thought it might help him to calm down, to get out of his permanent state of shock. At first, i thought it was working. His breathing slowed down enough that he could take a few deep breaths. But after a few minutes, he began to scream again.

I was really scared. What if something really was wrong? Although no one had come to see what was going on. Maybe screaming was a normal occurrence inside a hospital. Don’t think about that. That’s not a safe place to go.

I smoothed Lucas’ hair back from his face. He wasn’t sweating, he was just laying there. Screaming. I wished i could talk to him, tell him he was ok, i’m here, nothing is going to happen to you. You’re safe.

I tried rubbing his back, rubbing his hands (they were little icicles), rubbing his neck, nothing worked. He wouldn’t wake up. He just lay there, unmoving, except for the slight rise in his chest when he took another breath and his small lips opening and shutting. His eyes remained closed, long, dark lashes brushing his pale cheek.

I couldn’t help it. I started to cry. Oddly enough, i was being quiet, trying not to wake him up, even though that was all i wanted. I buried my face in the side of his neck and whimpered, re soaking my shirt that he wore. I let my lips brush against his skin. It was still cold, like death. But i could feel his heart beating.

“Please don’t leave me,” I whispered. “We just started getting to know each other. If you go i’ll be all alone again.”

I fell asleep next to him, still holding on, slightly crying. I dreamed, but it wasn’t pretty. And when Lucas eventually woke up, i was the one screaming.

Lucas’ POV

My eyes hurt. My head hurts. I reach one hand up to rub my eyes. My arm hurts. The light in this room is flickering. It’s disorienting me. Where’s Jack? I want Jack.

Lazily i turn my head to the side. It hurts to move. I see his beautiful face laying next to mine on the pillow. Where are we? Why is he in bed with me… again? Not that i’m complaining or anything but…

His face suddenly twists up and i hear him moan again. That’s what had woken me up. “Jack,” i call, but quietly. I touch his shoulder but he doesn’t react. His face is turning red. I think something is wrong.

“Jack.” i shake him. “Jack, wake up.”

He opens his eyes slowly, groggily. “Stop, don’t hurt me. Don’t let them hurt me!” He still mumbling about something from his dreamland, eyes searching the room wildly for some invisible foe.

“Jack, it’s Lucas. You’re not with them anymore. You’re with me.” I didn’t know who he was talking about but it worried me to see that panicked look on his face. I’m not used to being the comforter. Only comforted, and that not very much.

Jack, still half asleep, stands up and darts around the room, batting at shadows. “I won’t let them hurt you.”

“Jack, i’m not hurt,” i called from the bed. “I’m fine. No one is trying to get me and no one is trying to get you either.”

He turned to me, looking at me with a sort of scared, innocent expression. “Prove it. Come over here.” Though he sounded like a petulant five year old, it was still endearing to hear him say that he wanted me, even if he wasn’t aware that that was what he was saying.

I pushed myself up into a sitting position, then swung my feet on the floor. Ok so far. Then i stood up. Bad idea. I swayed, feeling extremely dizzy. But i took one step and then another. He needed me and i would be there for him no matter what. Even if it killed me. I didn’t care. I guess that’s what it’s like when you’re in love.

I think i’m finally admitting it now. Even as i collapse into his arms and he holds me upright, laughing into my hair but crying too. I know i love him. I know it now. Sigh. if only love didn’t make everything ten times harder.

#anorexia #eating disorder

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