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soldier-poet-king · 8 months

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career anxiety which turned into existential dread which turned into me guiltily defending my use of stories as narrative framing devices for my own life & human existence as storytelling more broadly (smthn smthn sometimes you gotta be a little mentally unwell to be mentally well)

what is possibly the longest cringe worst thing ive ever put on this webbed site, but i gotta get it out in writing to clear my head and i type more quickly than i write and if there's a post length limit by god i'm gonna find out

with my deepest apologies if this readmore doesnt work

so we had a Big Fancy Meeting at work today, with a group of information professionals from an Outside Institution (some of whom i had met previously), and which i got to sit in on/play tech support for, which was all fine and well for the actual presentation portion of the event, but afterwards when it was informal chatting and the like it was just???

The following things are true:

i actually got to speak with people close-ish to my age and in my profession

it was a very nice and enjoyable experience and we got to talk both seriously about professional things and also jokingly shoot the shit about shared woes with this one outdated archival software that everyone under the age of 60 hates with a passion

i was also incredibly jealous of this group of archivists & librarians because they're all /friendly/ with each other and i am lonely being the youngest person at work

i am also jealous because theyre working on very exciting projects at A Big Institution with Actual Resources and Technology and PROCEDURES my beloved, and not the slapdash kinda thing going on at my work

this in turn made me anxious because there were certain elements of the conversation i couldn't follow and i worry about my professional development at my current job, and that my technical skills are either atrophying, or not growing in a way that would enable me to get hired at A Big Institution like this one (which is the ultimate goal)

this in turn made me more stressed about my current job, which i just got promoted to fulltime permanent for the following

beyond the skill atrophy fear there is also the fact that my boss is grooming me to be her successor when she retires in 5 yrs and i very Much Do Not Want to be here in 5 years

this adds several layers of guilt

i was just promoted so im getting really sweet messages of congrats from random ppl in other departments who i didnt even think knew/care i existed - the people at this workplace are extremely nice, even if im like. meh. about some of the work/procedures/etc

a large part of my promotion being approved hinged on the fact that im undertaking this big technical project that my boss doesnt have the technical know-how to do. so i cant just bail and leave them high and dry without feeling guilt. but also. it's not so fancy a project that someone else couldnt do it. anyone in my field worth their salt and not super old should be able to handle it. sure i work hard and im friendly, but surely that's not that rare in an employee

i dont even KNOW if there's better opportunities out there. but i see stuff on the listserv all the time, and assuming i could land those jobs, they pay better and are at larger orgs and more in line with what i want

there is an element to working non-profit adjacent that is guilt inducing as well as [redacted thing about my work that would make me feel even guiltier for leaving, i cannot say what, but it is Significant]

this of course, tapped into my larger, ongoing sense of ennui and being 'stuck' and fears about unchosen monotony and purposelessness and all that mid 20s recent grad existential bullshit. i cant really do anything to solve it bc yknow, unprecedented housing crisis, rent is insane, im stuck living in a dysfunctional household which traumatized me as a child, etc etc etc. but broadly:

i am afraid of being stuck in a mediocre job forever. my boss has worked for two (2) archives her whole life and has always done non-profit adjacent work and is like. a one man small archive thing. i VERY MUCH DO NOT WANT THAT

i feel guilty for wanting

idk how to want things or be a person (separate issue), but i know very much what i want career wise. i know what makes me happy and satisfied. and i know what im good at. im doing fine at my current job but i know i could be so much MORE and i want that desperately

if my personal life is always doomed to be dismal, as is my family life, can i at least have one thing

i gave up academia for my mental health and some degree of financial stability, can i at least satisfy SOME of my ambitions here?? just a few??

yes this is pride. yes this is ambition. just bc i spent so long extremely depressed and with 0 self esteem does not make me immune to ambition, even if non traditional.

i feel immense guilt over this but i dont stop wanting it

ofc, my brain is a web, all existence is inextricably interconnected, and im listening to the tge audiobook on my commute and rotating csevet in my brain, thara is more personal, more beloved maybe, but csevet is my fave lil guy babygirl and i have a thing for fantasy secretaries, so i am now thinking even MORE of ambition, and how i have it, and how i love that im good at this one complex but boring thing, i am thinking of kip mdang, of kamet, of muire lo, of how some of my deepest loves, in no particular order, include: organization and scheduling, devotion, competency, well-ordered policies and procedures, righteous anger, boring skills being used to change the world for good, small kindnesses, Duty, loyalty to a person or ideal which goes beyond the functional and the expected and which extends into unprecedented levels of intimacy - whether it be friendship, qprs, romance, etc, and also, metadata and research

so. as i sit there sorting this all out in my brain i am like. wow you are a pathetic human being. you are not even a person. like. why is everything being framed in terms of narrative and story. why does everything relate to a Broader Theme or Arc or Meaning.

i am forcibly reminded of being undiagnosed, unmedicated, aged 18/19 and trying to explain smthn really personal about myself to someone i knew from youth group and him being like. wow. you describe everything and relate to everything from stories.

to this day i live in embarassment over this moment. but also. lowkey. fuck him. and tradcath circles be WILD, the social dynamics BAD, and it was not the place for me to be, even tho i latched on to it lacking any other social contact at the time. if a complete mental breakdown, latent OCD, and a really painful loss of friends is what it took to get me out. like. i cant say i dont regret the loss, but also, i like who im becoming much better now

ANYWAY. i got thinking about stories and why i am and am not extremely cringe

i am a big believer in storytelling is the oldest human activity. it's the most fundamental human activity. this isn't some nihilistic devaluing of the human person, the soul, the human experience, it is instead and elevation of the story. because like. stories are what we do to live. it's why we live. it's how we communicate. storytelling is how we turn to another person and we attempt to communicate the innermost secrets of our heart. language is a flawed tool always ultimately falling short. but we use stories to share ourselves with each other, to be recognized and known, and throughout the ages, to share our grief and love, to know to oneself, no, i'm not the only one, others have experienced this before too. stories are balms and inspirations and are ultimately reflections of their creators, they reflect some Truth about the human experience back to us

im not even talking like. published stories. tv shows. mcu ification of media. i mean /stories/. in whatever form. from whatever time. this isn't a fandom thing - though there is overlap, im not talking about consumption for the sake of consumption, or consumption as a personality trait

i mean like. stories as the bedrock of humanity because it is the only way we can attempt to understand ourselves. stories are foundational because the human person is too complex, having too much of the image of the divine in it, to ever be really fully successfully understood. and so of course. of course we turn to stories in times of trouble, and triumph, and all the times in between. how could we not turn to stories to attempt the divine understanding that is always ultimately beyond us?

(i have a whole other locked and loaded series of thoughts on storytelling in faith traditions, and specifically how the bible is a literary work as well as a spiritual one, and the reasons for this reflected in the human soul, but i digress)

so really. maybe i am pathetic and cringe and a fake not real person (i am all of those things), but i hope it's not because i think in stories, in themes, in arcs. everything is tangled in my brain, inextricable, i can do nothing else, i know nothing else, i would not want anything else, unless it were the full divine understanding beyond mortal means

and besides. i am trying. to be better. to be more. to have comforts and hobbies beyond this. the crafting. the cooking. the career ambitions that arose when i found something that i was good at and enjoyed and was /me/. my insatiable need to learn to dance.

i dont know where im going with this. i barely know where i started. it's stories all the way down, because it's people all the way down, and we are all mirrors of each other and we are all connections with each other in a vast caring world. or. so i like to think

#franposting #long post #im so sorry but also i needed this so.#smthn smthn you go to the circus (my blog) dont be surprised when there's clowns (me) etc etc #i had to take a break in the middle of typing this bc i got worn out emotionally #should that have been a sign to stop? maybe. but i cant read so that sign wont stop me etc #this is the most embarassing cringe thing i have ever posed in my ELEVEN YEARS on this site #ah well #gotta weed out the weak. natural selection for my horribleness #and now. i am going to play bg3 for a bit. and then read. and then bed bc alas. commuting

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austinsastrology8991 · 1 year

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Saturn the father you always wanted and always have. Saturn in da houses, and why your life sucks. Im blunt here so don't complain don't read if you can't handle the reality of saturn. Saturn in the first house - okay you don't like to try when you present yourself, you think people should just instantly respect you because youve been through many trials in life... well people usually dont know how to talk to you because you have a stick up your ass. Saturn in the second house - everyones greedy, but when you are, its not cool. Well it isn't because when you are greedy you act like a goblin. be more mature its okay to be greedy but your acting like its a virtue stfu. Saturn in the third house - everyone thinks your dumb af, and you are only because you lack confidence to drive your points home. you just need to learn how to communicate better, your not dumb but you act like a dumbass. Saturn in the fourth house - sad boy/girl now everyone knows you had a rough childhood but would you grow up already, everyone else has but your still stuck being sad about how life has treated you (or your momma/dadda) grow up your not getting any younger you can't change the past stop wallowing. the past has taught you well, use it to your advantage or let it hold you back. Saturn in the fifth house - pretend players who get played everytime. Always gotta pretend like they are fun but whenever you do try to have fun with them they are annoying. yes you could be fun in the bedroom simply because everyone knows your too sensitive to break someones heart... because your heart is the most broken. Saturn in the sixth house - the real try hards always putting in 100%. suck ups to there boss or whoever is above them. but when there authority disrespects them they go rogue and try even harder just to spit in there boss's face. i respect it because i got cap here Saturn in the seventh house - if your a bad person good luck in this life, because your karma is received ten fold by your partners, they always like to complete your karmic cycle because thats just how it works idk. so better act right or your partner will ruin it before you ruin yourself.

Saturn in the eighth house - will do anything to get to the top. no pain is too painful. well it all is, but the ends justify the means. when they put there foot down the whole room shakes. so when your making a move make sure its the right one because your power plays are on display for everyone and itll make or break you more than the other placements. Saturn in the ninth house - lazy asses, always looking for an easy way out. they know what the right thing to do is, but the likelihood of them doing it is never. its because saturn restricts there luck/ mind and they just have woe is me energy and its annoying make better choices, and if you dont stop crying about it. but if they act right saturn blesses them the fuck up. Saturn in the tenth house - okay these people think they are better than everyone and deserve everything, but they never receive the applause they crave. its never enough even if the whole room is looking at them they suddenly don't want it anymore. there karma everyone can see, and if its too good it feels like a curse, and when its bad and reality comes crashing down they just want to hide but they cant. own your life or it will own you. Saturn in the eleventh - there community will give them there karma, always these people dont have a place where they feel safe. because they never make anyone feel safe around them, then cry when no-one gives them that favour. stfu and treat us better and maybe we will do you better. Saturn in the twelfth - okay apparently this is where saturn is in its joy, and i guess its because god/ spirits judge you. and i guess thats a good thing because if anyone should judge you its him. except the pain here is you have ultimate freedom, you rarely get signs on what to do. will you make the right choice or the wrong once? well they are lucky because they always get there karma quickly so they can always recover fast. but these people struggle to empathise because they don't feel the energy of the room. sooooo just grow up you got the best saturn, and your karma resides is in your empathy. disclaimer - saturn wants you to be the best. and no one is.... so i like to think if you want a sense of direction (where are you going wrong) look at the saturn house and if you are successful congrats your doing saturn right. but be careful he always thinks you can do better, and he loves to humble you. so be-careful out there.

#house placements #saturn aspects #astrology observations #astrology notes #astrology houses #astrology placements #astrology blog #astro community #astrology

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sundragon · 5 months

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That's actually a fun way to think about your nonhumanity, if you're comfortable with it (and if you aren't, you perhaps Should). I can't prove that I'm a dragon. There is no proof for an internal, subjective identity. I can't prove my gender or my species, I just experience it, and the society I'm in either affirms, denies, or is ignorant of it.

But what I *can* do, is fail to prove myself wrong. I can fail to conclude that I am not a dragon. To start with, you have to define a dragon, and since they don't physically exist this is open to interpretation. Maybe a dragon is always an internal feeling. Maybe it's a mental state. Maybe the sky is made of pudding, right? At some point, there's no point (in asking).

I can catalogue the physical sensations of scales, wings, paws, a body larger than this one. I can try to communicate draconic thought, sense, and self perception and separate it from what is human. The qualia that comes with being *anything* is a task to describe, but in particular that of a species of beast that can only mimic foreign language to bridge the gap of understanding? Fuck me.

There's still the potential that it's all a mental glitch, some combo of illness and irrational thought patterns making the baby of species dysphoria. Doesn't change a damn thing, in fact this makes room for it to grow. I'm not constrained by spiritual/magical boundaries OR psychological ones. Every atom in my body and every experience it's ever had, whether it's just here on this planet or in tandem with the cosmic dust of another one- has come together to make me this thing.

Every book I've read, ocean I've been in, every breath of cold air, every sniff of rain, and every hair that's grown through my mane has done so with the implicit understanding that this organism is not a human one. It's alive, and it follows instructions based in it's genetic code, but a body isn't just the container. You cant see my maleness, only superficial signals that are commonly agreed upon to show it. Likewise you can't see my draconity, and the signals of it are too subtle for most. I don't need to prove either one. Neither one can be experienced through external means.

As far as I can tell, my draconity is inherent to my very brain structure. Due to nature, nurture, perhaps a secret 3rd thing, all of the above. My DNA won't tell you what my gender is, my social affiliations, my sexuality, or my species identity. But all of these things build a complete person. I can't prove them false anymore than I can prove my phenotype or my height false.

So I fail to prove these things wrong, by every metric I'm aware of to test them by. There's no point in trying to figure out if I'm truly a man or truly a lion, but every day I can wake up and know that I sure as hell can't prove I'm not those things, either. They simply do not stop being what they are. They can fluctuate a bit, but all my life they've been there, and I have no reason to *assume* that they'll stop being there (that would be irrational, to expect something with no good evidence for it).

If you needed a sign to not get into epistemology, this is it. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

#otherkind #therianthropy #transspecies

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adorecline · 2 years

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Omg I just read your Getting Older imagine and I absolutely loved it. Maybe you could do another one sometime soon where it's another ryan and blake x daughter reader but she's been an actress since she was very young acting in a bunch of TV shows and movies, and recently her new movie that has become a series just came out and they are all proud of her. Or even one where she is an actress as well but she meets Walker Scobell but she is older than him but he like has a cute little crush on her and she is like one of his idols.

i love this idea! i hope you like it! <3

The Crush {Ryan Reynolds x daughter!reader}

summary: y/n attends the premiere of The Adam Project with her mom and dad, and meets her dad's costar who also happens to be a big fan of her (and has a huge crush on her)

I do not give anyone permission to copy or repost my work on here or any other websites. no translations either. likes and reblogs are greatly appreciated.

Liked by maya_hawke, and 879,828 others

yourusername: who's ready for #theadamproject ??

comments

user01: you look so pretty y/n 🥺

user02: it's giving very much blake

| yourusername: she did raise me after all :)

user03: so excited for this movie

vancityreynolds: i have to admit i am quite ready for this movie :)

| yourusername: haha dad...you're so funny!

| vancityreynolds: why thank you, daughter ☺️

user04: you and your mom always have the best dresses i swear 😍

maya_hawke: you look gorgeous y/n!

| yourusername: thank you, maya! ily!!

y/n posed for the photographers on the red carpet. She stood up straight and looked in everyone direction hoping she was somewhat giving all the cameras a smile. She was close to the end of the carpet and she could go meet her parents inside the theater.

y/n waved to the photographers letting them know she would be walking off. She stopped by the railing that held back screaming fans to take some pictures and sign autographs.

When she was done, she started to make her way into the theater, but was stopped by a boy with blonde hair who she recognized as Walker Scobell, her dad's costar of the movie.

"Hi y/n." Walker smiled a bit shyly.

"Hey Walker. It's so nice to meet you finally." y/n smiled back happily.

"It's nice to meet you, too." Walker said. y/n noticed him fidgeting with his fingers a bit. "I'm a big fan of you and your work. You are an amazing actress." He complimented her.

"Thank you so much." y/n beamed at his sweetness. "That means a lot."

"It's true. I've seen like all of your movies." Walker admitted. "You're one of my idols actually. You're just such an amazing actress. You're so talented and you're really pretty, too." His cheeks flushed after he finished.

"Woah there, Kid!" Ryan said walking up to them. "I like you, but slow your roll with my daughter." He joked making Walker's cheek grow even more red.

"Oh my god." Walker mumbled covering his face with his hands to hide his cheeks.

"I'm just messing with you, Walk." Ryan laughed patting his back.

"I was gonna ask for a picture, but now I'm too embarrassed." Walker shook his head smiling nervously.

"No! It's okay. Let's take a picture." y/n reassured him. "Dad, stop making him nervous."

"Okay, I'm sorry." Ryan jokingly raised his hands in defense. "Here, I'll take the picture for you." Ryan held his hand out and Walker gave him his phone.

y/n wrapped her arm over Walker's shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her back. y/n crouched down and leaned closer to him. Both y/n and Walker smiled towards the camera while Ryan sang in a high voice "Cheese!" He snapped a couple pictures before giving Walker his phone back.

"Thank you, y/n." Walker said to her. "It was really nice meeting you."

"You too! I cant wait to see your movie," y/n replied. "My dad has told me great things about."

"Oh, thank you." Walker eyes lit up. "I should probably go find my dad now." He said pointing to the doors behind them.

"We'll see you later, Walker." Ryan said as he left. He waited until Walker was gone then turned back to y/n. "I knew he had a crush on you."

"You're so mean." y/n laughed shaking her head. "Come on, mom is probably wondering where we are."

"Actually, she's probably thankful for the break from us." Ryan said.

tags: @thollandgf

#blake lively x teen!reader #blake lively x daughter!reader #blake lively #celebrities #ryan reynolds x teen!reader #ryan reynolds x daughter!reader #ryan reynolds #social media au

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donnetellotheturtle · 3 months

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Chapter 1

Secrets revealed.

Varian rubbed his arms nervously. His new creation was almost complete. Save for testing. That was always where it went wrong. This current machine was to play music from a spinning disc. At least he knew the worst-case scenario was it simply didn’t work. Not that it would blow up in his face.

Hopefully.

But to his joy and relief, it worked. The little pin read the disc and sent the music through the horn. He grinned widely.

“Varian?”

He turned at the door to his workshop opening. Standing there was now queen Rapunzel. Her hair had grown out, ending just below her shoulders. She smiled. “There you are…” She trailed off, hearing the music. “Wow…is this your new invention?”

“Uh yeah. It needs a few tweaks but-”

“Are you kidding this is amazing!”

Varian smiled and hugged Rapunzel. She hugged back tight, then pulled away. “So, your nineteenth birthday party is tomorrow. I just needed your go-aheads on a couple of things.”

The two ran down the list. His nineteenth birthday party was going to be huge. Outside, the whole kingdom would be celebrating, but inside the royal ballroom, it would be him, Rapunzel, Eugene, Lance, the former king and queen, his dad and the other members of the order, Red, and Angry, both of whom had real names, but everyone still called them Angry and Red. He wished Cassandra could be there, but she was still gone on some adventure. Had been for years now. The letters never stopped though.

“I cant wait. Oh this is going to be the best party of the year!”

Varian chuckled. “You said that about Eugene’s birthday party a couple months ago.”

“Yes but this will be too!” She grinned. “Ooh why don’t you use your music machine tomorrow? Itll be great to unveil it at the party!”

Varian nodded softly. “Sounds good.”

Rapunzel smiled and nodded. “Ill let you get back to your work but before that I have something for you. Wait here.” She turned and went to the door. Varian waited with a small, confused frown.

A minute later, she came back in with a box, wrapped in blue wrapping paper.

“Rapunzel, shouldn’t you wait until tomorrow?”

“Actually, this is from King Edmund. He said that its traditional in the moon kingdom for boys turning 19 to receive this the day before their birthday. And you were born there so, he thought it was appropriate.”

He blinked, then smiled and unwrapped it. As he did, he saw a compass, beautifully crafted. He opened it up, and inside, indeed the signs for all the directions, there was small painting of him, his father and…his mom. He stared at it.

“How did he…”

“Do you like it?”

“My mother…how did he know what she looked like?”

Rapunzel looked at the compass, then closer at the picture, frowning. “That’s her?”

“Mhm.”

“Shes beautiful…maybe Edmund knew her. He’ll be here tomorrow so you can ask.”

Varian nodded with a small smile. “My dad probably knows too. I can ask him!”

“Yeah. Ill let you get to it. Lots to plan!” She winked and walked out, heading over to Maximus and riding off without another word.

Varian chuckled, then looked at the picture again.

Inside the house, Quirin was sitting drinking some freshly brewed tea as Varian came in. “Hey dad?”

“Hey. I thought you were going to be in your workshop all day?”

“Well, I was going to be until Rapunzel dropped off this.” He handed the compass over to his father, who stared at it for a moment. “Where did she…”

“Said King Edmund dropped it off. Some sort of tradition. Did he know her?”

“Sit.”

Varian nodded and sat in the seat across from him. “As you know I was part of the brotherhood. Your mother, Ulla, was the royal alchemist.”

“Just like me!”

Quran nodded with a small smile. “Her and work partner made so many amazing things before the black rocks came…” He stood, went to the fireplace, then pressed a compartment on the wall. It opened up and from it, he pulled a green book. “This belonged to her…I wasn’t sure when I should give to you but…now seems like a good time.”

Varian took it and his father sat back down. The room was quiet for a moment as Varian looked at the cover. “the seven trials?”

“It was what your mother and her partner were working on.”

Varian opened it. It detailed seven trials corresponding with each surrounding kingdom including their own. Corona: Sun kingdom, Elio: Fire Kingdom, Dion: Water kingdom, Malik: Earth kingdom, Thora: Air kingdom, Estelle, Star kingdom, And The Dark Kingdom: the moon kingdom. All leading up to the eternal library, where all knowledge was kept.

“….why… why would you hide this from me?”

Quirin chuckled. “you think that I didn’t know that as soon as I did, you’d go searching?”

Varian paused. The thought had already crosses his mind as soon as he finished reading. He looked down.

“But, you’re a grown man now. You can make your own choices…I just want you to know the dangers.”

“Dangers?”

“Your mother disappeared looking for that place. I don’t know what happened to her. I can’t bear to loose you in the same way.”

Varian looked at his father. He looked so sad.

“I wont go.”

Quirin chuckled. “You will…and I won’t stop you.” He put his hands on his sons shoulders. “it’s time you have your own adventure.”

Varian smiled lightly, then looked at The book. “but…I don’t have to leave right away. I can start here! Get some information, you know… I don’t have to say goodbye just yet.”

Quirin nodded. “Yeah…I’ll help you start searching in the morning. You should get some rest. You have a busy day tomorrow.”

Varian nodded, holding the book and the picture close to his chest as he ran upstairs.

Quirin sighed softly to himself, and looked out at the fire. “Gods…guide my son. Keep him safe where I can’t protect him.”

Hugo sat in his tent, half asleep, when Cyrus came in. “Donella wants to see you.”

He groaned, but stood up, heading over to Donellas tent which was lit with laterns, and adorned with maps and books on the outside. He entered the tent.

“Ma’am?”

“Hugo.” She turned. “I have a job for you.” She handed a flyer to him. A birthday party for the royal alchemist. Hugo raised an eyebrow.

“…This is some random guy.”

She rolled her eyes. “This.” She pointed to the picture. “is the son of Ulla. You watch him, make sure he knows nothing about what we’re trying to do. Understood?”

“Yes but…why does it have to be me?” Hugo almost whined.

A side eye from Donella made Hugo wince. “O-Okay. I’ll go….just don’t expect me to be happy about it.”

She huffed and turned away. “If on the off chance he does know about Ulla’s book, find where it is. Take it. And bring it back to me.”

When the morning came, Varian was up early. He had to pack for his trip after all, and get started on searching for the totem before his party at midday. He hummed softly as Ruddinger jumped up on his shoulders.

“hey buddy.” He gave the raccoon a little head scratch. “Today’s the day.”

He finished packing and smiled, heading downstairs. His dad was already up, humming as he made breakfast.

“Dad!”

Quirin smiled at him. “Varian! I’m just making some birthday breakfast! You hungry?”

Varian nodded and sat at the table as his dad served his favorites. Bacon, eggs sunny side up, and some French toast. Quirin ruffled his sons hair before continuing cooking.

“I was going to start with Xavier to get some information on the relics.” Varian said, stuffing his mouth.

“That’s a great idea. You could also ask Ariana and Fredrick. They might have some books.”

“That’s a great idea! Thanks dad!”

“after your party, I want you to come here and pack okay?”

“Yeah dad.”

“And don’t forget your camping supplies.”

“I know dad.”

“And your alchemy supplies. You’ll need them.”

“dad.”

“Oh and yo-“

“dad!”

Quirin paused, looking at his son who was smiling. “Heh, just…be safe.”

“I will, dad. Promise.”

The two headed out to the kingdom proper not long after. The whole city was bustling with excitement. Kids kept pointing at him. Truthfully, Varian didn’t love the attention.

“I’m going to find Xavier before we meet everyone.”

Quirin nodded. “I’ll meet you inside.”

It was a quick walk to Xaviers smithery. As always it was full of soot and heat. He could hear Xavier humming a tune to himself.

“Xavier?”

“Well if it isnt the man himself?” Xavier grinned, coming out to see Varian. “your right on time. I just finished your birthday gift.”

“you should save it for the party.” Varian grinned.

“Yes, yes. But you seem to have a question.”

Varian reached into his bag, and pulled out his mothers book. “…Do you know anything about the seven trials?”

Xavier seemed a bit surprised, but nodded. “Yes. How do you know about them?”

“This was my mothers.” He pushed the book to the blacksmith who gently fingered through the pages, then nodded.

“So you intend to complete her work.”

“Yeah. I…I just need to know where to start.”

Xavier nodded. “Alright. The seven trials, created by the keepers of the eternal library and aided by Demanitus…each totem has a scientific puzzle to access them…but be aware, young man. These trials are dangerous and cannot be faced alone.”

“but the eternal library…it’s real?”

“In a sense, yes. It isn’t for the faint of soul. Legends say it will suck you in and keep you forever if it wills it.”

Varian wondered if that’s what happened to his mom.

“Very few have completed the trial. Even less have come back to tell the story. So be careful, Varian. Or you could be facing the end of your life.”

Varian nodded. “thank you, Xavier.”

As Varian walked out he felt as if he was being watched. He looked around, seeing no one looking at him. He frowned, sitting with the information that he could be going in to get himself killed.

Then he thought to himself. If he could find the library, he could find his mom. He could save her. Maybe, just maybe, he could do it. He’d have to be the smartest and most cunning he’d ever been. So he steeled himself.

He'd have to be ready for anything.

He headed into the party, seeing everyone made his heart soar. He came up to Adira. Over the years she’d softened just a bit to Varian. Now she was the only one who was allowed to touch her. But only for very limited amounts of time and always with a warning. She was who he saw first, along with Edmund, and his dad.

“hey guys.” He opened his arms to hug Adira, who accepted with a very quick squeeze.

“hey kid. You dad says you’re going to go on a trip.” She said, smiling.

“Uh, yeah…I’m going to complete my moms work.”

“Any chance you’d let me come with you? It would be good to have a body guard.”

Varian chuckled. “Thanks but…this is something I have to do by myself.”

“A boys first quest.” Edmund said. “That should be cherished.”

“Yeah…Dad said you knew my mom?”

“Yes…why I don’t tell you over dinner when you make it to my kingdom? Do you think you can wait that long?”

Varian thought it over, then nodded. “yeah…yeah I can.”

“good! I can’t wait!”

Varian chuckled, then walked further into the ballroom where everyone else was waiting. Rapunzel smiled and waved. “Varian!” She came forward with a grin, pulling him into a tight hug. “Your dad just told me you’re leaving!”

“Uh, yeah…I um-“

Rapunzel looked sad but excited for him. “Where are you going?”

“All the kingdoms. I’m on a quest, as Edmund put it.”

“really?” Eugene came up from the side, wrapping an arm around his wife. “I didn’t take you as the questing type.”

Varian blushed.

“Oh leave him alone!” Rapunzel chided.

Varian chuckled softly. “I’m planning on leaving tomorrow morning. I just wanted to stay for the party so I could say goodbye.”

Rapunzel sighed softly, then pulled Varian into an embrace. “Promise you’ll come home, Varian?”

He returned the hug. “…I promise.”

The party went off without a hitch. He ate his favorite cake, got some amazing presents which he could take on the road with him, and he said goodbye to everyone.

Late that night, Quirin and him reached the entrance to their home.

“Before you leave tomorrow…I want you to have Prometheus. He’ll be a good traveling companion for you on the road.”

Prometheus was their donkey. One who they’ve had since he could remember.

“…Don’t you need him?”

“Don’t worry about me. You’ll be better off with him. And I know you’ll take good care of him.”

Varian hugged his father again, tightly. “Thanks dad”

The morning came early and Varian ran and grabbed everything, rushing out. Only to find his dad beat him to it.

In the light of the rising sun, he saw his dad hitching up a caravan to Prometheus.

“Woah…” Varian mumbled.

Quirin looked to him and smiled. “I thought this would be useful.”

“wow dad! Thanks! This is amazing!”

He ran and hugged his dad. He smiled at his son. “You look just like her….when you find her…you let her know just how proud I am of you.”

Tears welled up in both their eyes and after a long, tearful goodbye, Varian set off in the light of the morning sun.

First stop, Elio.

Find this on A03!

#tts adira #tts quirin #rapunzel #rapunzles tangled adventure #varian vat7k #vat7k #hugo vat7k #donella vat7k #eugene fitzherbert #varian and the seven kingdoms #king edmund #cyrus vat7k #my writing #xavier tts

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redplanetroswell · 20 days

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how badly i want to just reach out and say "i am one of you, please understand", but am i? am i one of them anymore? was i ever?

if i were something like, say, a dog, it wouldnt even be a question. if i were a dog, even despite my body, i could just be a dog. i wouldnt need to scour memories, staring up at the stars for a sign, reading books upon books, brazen in their obscurity, trying to find myself.

if i were a dog, i would still feel the need to research, for introspection, its just my nature. but at least it would be easier.

at least i wouldnt be alone, as i always have been, in this.

if my own species were to find me again, i know then they wouldnt believe me. how could i be? just look at me.

and theyd say, we planted these memories. they are all fake. they are covering a horrible truth, and you cannot find it. you will not. you are a human, you always have been.

but im not human. if i cant be a grey, what am i. im nothing without that.

even if my memories are fake, i still know what my body should look like. how do you explain that? was that also a fake impulse? how do i know so deeply i must look like that, which so happens to correspond with a grey? what does it mean?

no, i dont think my memories are fake. maybe they come from so long ago they are irrelevant to dwell on. but they are me. i know things, that i would have no other way of knowing, that are confirmed again and again to be true.

they must be real, even if they are no longer mine.

the mind is fallible, identity is easily influenced, memories are who you are. or at least an important part of it. even coming from somebody who has memory issues.

even if humanity rejects me. even if the greater nonhuman community isnt for me, never was for me. even if what i believe, or maybe what i hope, is my species would reject me.

im still myself. i dont know what that is.

ill still call myself a grey until something convinces me to stop.

i often wish i could just go out walking in the street. and someone would see me, and theyd know, theyd see me. see me.

what would they see?

#alienkin #long post

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selamat-linting · 8 months

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There are millions of things that were once considered supernatural that have since been proven as scientific reality. Platypuses, for one.

At some point "I don't believe in the supernatural" becomes "Science has already discovered everything there is to be discovered".

Which is factually incorrect.

One could argue that space aliens are supernatural. They are also incredibly likely to exist, somewhere out in the infinite expanse.

You don't just believe that magic isn't real, you also believe that if something is real it cannot be magical.

In a world where children's laughter exists?

How silly of you.

maybe you should understand the context of what im writing first asshole. in my country, we have faith healers, people who say they can fix a stroke with a massage, people who believe the stars align someone's career and personality, people who claim they can double money with some chants and help from djinns, people who put graveyard soil on their competitors' shop. people who ate convince thousands of severely ill people to stop chemo treatments to drink prayer water. people who collect gemstones and call it magic then sell it to a high price for desperate people down on their luck. and sooo many grifters saying they could speak to the dead. that is the "magic" im talking about. where in the world did i refer to magic as a metaphorical descriptor for something beautiful?

"magic" in my life, is a code for grifters, people using the naivety, desperation, and grief of others to drain them of money, giving them false hope, or worse. you have no idea how many cases of parents that were misled by local witch doctors saying their kids arent actually dead forever in the woods, theyre just taken to the realm of invisible beings and will come back someday. or mentally ill people and neurodivergent kids literally tortured in an effort to exorcise ghosts and bad spirits. spiritual gurus sexually harrassing vulnerable women for cleansing/ritual purposes, or faith healers and mediums who realized they cant keep up the lie anymore so they started killing and raping their clients. do you want me to send you a fucking of all that news stories that happen in my country? my country doesnt need more magical thinking, we need scientific and secular education, and a conscious effort to get rid of those superstitions or else we'll be stuck praying to various entities and magic items instead of actively revolting and working together to make a better country.

also where the fuck did i say science has already discovered everything? im saying im a skeptic, that means i believe everything has a scientific explanation, but that doesnt mean science have already figured everything out nor that its free of criticism. i dont doubt i will die with the knowledge that we only know so little about the universe we might as well call ourselves cavemen.

also where the fuck did i bring up aliens you freak?

forgive me for assuming but, let me guess : you skim read my personal post and instantly paint me as a stuffy skeptic bro who adheres to reason and hates whimsy despite barely knowing me or my life. youre shadowboxing over someone you created in your head but youre convinced youre fighting me. well i may be wrong so i apologize beforehand

but anyway, i hope youre just a stranger who never reads this reply. if youre not, then you really should have read my pinned post before deciding to follow my blog or be my mutual. i already write it down there that im critical to any form of magical thinking and supernatural bullshit. leave my fucking blog if you cant handle it.

but no matter who you are, i hope you got scammed by a faith healer and had a botched suicide attempt after realizing youve fucked up your entire recovery process and lost all of your money and potential. or yknow what, cut the middle man. just kill yourself tonight. youre into magic right? you believe in those signs of the universe and lucky numbers stuff? cmiiw but if its true i hope you know that this is a sign from the universe to kill yourself.

#asks #might delete this later #because some of the words here are harsh #but i kinda want to be a messy bitch for a few hourse #i got hate anons sometimes but this type of stuff is just... ugh. annoying in a way i cant describe

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tokaritoo · 2 years

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hello! i’ve always liked when artists break down all the little details in their artworks so i thought i’d make a “mini” info post about my most recent work: “meeting in york new city”.

as probably evident, this is my yearly art for the hxh sept 1 anniversary. i will admit, compared to last year’s, i was worried this one would come across as a bit more plain and simple, but i tried to make up with the overwhelming amount of meaning i put behind essentially each thing

regardless, i hope you enjoy this ramble/ planning, and that maybe you can see the piece in a new way

_________________

sitting poses (specifically leg area)

- leorio man spreading, rather self explanatory, it just perfectly captures his energy

- kurapika has a straight back, legs crossed, a very refined pose. almost stiff, a picture perfect act

- gon is sort of curled up on bench/ criss cross. Very child like

- killua is also in a rather childish pose, except more loose

- note: killua is sort of taking over leorio’s space. sort of reflects how he messes with him, but also how, in my mind, he should depend on leorio. new big brother and what not

rest of pose

- leorio is looking at everyone (side glancing them). He has always been the one keeping an eye on the idiots. also slightly hunched over, he is struggling to fit on the bench

- kurapika has the most isolated and distant pose, the only one who’s pose doesnt result in him interacting with the others. They are consumed by their book, looking at that alone. He is physically present, but is mentally somewhere else. Acts as parallels of his current relationships. They still want to be there for them, but they dont do anything to show it. They are distracted and withdrawn, focused on their task

- gon and killua: Child-like interacting pose. killua is leaning into gon’s space (he has always been drawn to gon and focused on him). Gon is there for killua, but still more focused on his book. He differs from kurapika because he lets killua be with him, considers him, but at times he still is self centered

- note: gon and kurapika’s poses slightly mirror each other (how they hold their book). They have always been parallels to one another

- Likewise, killua and leorio (at least facial wise) reflect one another. Although not as evident, in the series, there are similarities between the two

Books

They are all reading books, all the books hold a level of significance (i.e parallels their goal/ story)

- leorio is reading a newspaper. He listens and focuses on the human world problems, like capitalism, poverty, illness.

- kurapika is reading Hamlet. A classic revenge tale (self explanatory). The fact the book ends in death reflects how the path of vengeance is ultimately a path of self destruction

- Gon is reading Batman and Robin (thank you to aniquinade for the suggestion). It is a comic to reflect his childish nature. The tale talks about a boy who admires his father, ultimately finding other role models on his journey.

- Killua has no book, similar to the fact he had no mission in the show. He looks at what Gon has since for a long time Gon’s mission was Killua’s mission

Street signs

Being located in the city, they will have street signs behind them, the ones nearest to each character will have a symbolic meaning

- “Road divides ahead sign” between gon and killua to show how they will eventually split

- “Sharp turns ahead” for kurapika (also gon), a life that drastically changes in an instance

- Downwards safe sign pointing to leorio (he is reliable, he is safe, the path you can follow)

- Kurapika stop sign. Red like blood. Stop like his heart. (Thanks miialona for that one)

- Leorio has a pededtrain crossing sign, he is just a guy)

- Leorio hospital (self explanatory

- “Temporary detour” for gon as many instances of his quest caused him to explore and do unexpected things

- “Follow detour signs” for killua. Slightly different to gon’s as he is following the side adventures Gon takes

- “No u turn” for gon as he cant go back after the effects of the Chimera Ant Arc

- Killua has “yield right of way” as he gives the right of way to gon in most circumstances

- Bumpy road ahead (trouble is coming)

- Handicap sign for Gon, a foreshadowing of the many injuries and near death experiences he faces

- Airport sign for kurapika, he is departing

- “Road overflowing ahead” for both kurapika and leorio. Shows their upcoming adventures on the blackwhale, and the likely sinking of the ship

#hxh #thoughts #for those who are curious how i come with ideas #it is like this! i think and plan and try to make note of everything #long post #like really #but i dont know the thoughts are fun to me

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starwell-tarot · 1 year

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hello darling!!! 🐿️🐢

hope your gloomy day still went pretty well, tell me about it!

some advice i can concentrate better on - as a mentionned yesterday it is definitly true that i like challenge and i got motivated by the idea of trying to find a way to make concentrating in class smth stimulating for my brain ofc i still need to find ways to it right but its a really charming idea to me! i also need to focus at home and get work done there to be able to concentrate better in class so its a whole process that im ready to try out with the method your proposed to me

motivation - feeding my soul, how poetic wow it is true that im very lucky to study what im studying rn and its actually stuff that are useful in life and if i dont find it interesting then maybe it can still be informations that i can share with others right? there is an enormous amount of material in every law classes so i wont be able to memorize everything but your advice made me see things differently and i actually want to try to remember most of it on the LONG TERM and not only for exams! once again it is an advice that really speaks to me and that i will think about when studying

balance - i actually LOVE lists/ plannings/ etc like writing everything i want to do for the day and packing my schedule with many different stuff like seeing many friends, doing productive stuff for school, doing my hobbies it really helps me see how i spend my time and share out the different things i do (so i dont do the same thing over and over again) and i cant believe i FORGOT about it like i actually stopped doing it and i forgot i am so grateful for this advice

relationships - my friends often complain that i dont share intimate things with them like my daily problems and all but i actually just dont see what they could do about it? anyway i still struggle with these things i'll try to question myself more often to see whats the right thing to do for everyone when im in a bad spot like you adviced

avoid stress - im really not good at dealing with negative emotions lmaooo its also gonna be a challenging point i'll try to believe as much as i can that stress is not an end its just a signal just like you said once again thank you for your works i'll try my best

self care - its so beautiful! i live in the city so im not that much in contact with nature but its true that whenever i go help my grandmother in the countryside it feels refreshing i just need more time to do so! now that i know its smth that could help me i'll keep that in mind and prioritize doing in these situations! im a taurus after all! even tho earth is only my third dominant element im an earth sign lmao

words of encouragement - everyone seems to be wrong about everything its crazy ajkdhdbnzev i really should be more humble its a problem but anyway yes even tho i think some people are stupid deep down i'll still take their opinion into consideration just in case when in fact i shouldnt with your advice i'll try to accept that sometimes peoples advices just arent for me and maybe they'll help someone but its not my case! thanks

daydreaming - yes in my experience heavy daydreaming has been because STRESS, bored in my life and obligations i have that i dont want to do the problem is that it really put me in problematic positions everything comes down to stress at the end so if i understand how to deal with my stress i wont feel the need to escape like this :/ i'll definitily think about your advice and when i notice im starting to daydream heavily ill try to ask myself why and to resolve the issue

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR READING!!!!! everything really spoke to me and ill make sure to apply it well in my life from now on i'll think about your kind words and do my best!

Hello! My gloomy day was comfy 😁

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lengthy feedback 🖤 it means a lot and it's very helpful.

I'm also glad to hear you're enjoying the perspectives and ideas the cards gave 🤔

I went on a whim with the challenge thing and then I was like ... Wait a sec .. didn't they say they have Aries placements? It just clicked at that point. I knew i was right on the money 😂

I was so taken aback by that high priestess card. Truth be told I too had the same mentality in high school! I studied just to know things. To grow wiser as an individual. (Went to a science college (it's a high school despite the name)) So I can kinda see it! Law is very very broad of a subject and there's a lot to study. But it's also so so useful in life! I actually had some law students save my ass when I had a very bad boss at a workplace once they helped me with the contract lol So yeah i definitely think you can become very wise as a law student!

Glad I can help you get back to your lists, too! And uhm, I don't think any human is ever GOOD at dealing with negative emotions. I mean, they're meant to make us uncomfortable ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But being gentle and understanding and honest with yourself does make it better!

And I mean yes I see your point. Maybe your friends will not be able to DO anything about your problems but here's the thing. Keeping things hidden creates more stress in the human mind. It's like an extra layer. It's not just "I'm frustrated and confused" It's "I'm frustrated, confused, and keeping it to myself." If you talk to someone, it gets easier 😁 Plus, talking about what goes on inside your mind can actually put you on the spot in such a way you unconsciously organize your thoughts and find the answers yourself. (Like those scenes in movies when a character goes to rant to another one and they literally spend the entire time talking to themselves, giving themselves advice and thanking the other person although they did absolutely nothing 😂)

Literally when I was doing your reading i had "Go touch some grass, bro." In my head 😂 But yes, as an earth sign you probably could feel so much more grounded and peaceful if you interact with nature. 😁

And just wanted to remind you I answered your ask about the double interpretation tarot reading and you can send it to me anytime!

#🐿️🐢 anon #answered #tarot

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cyanlastride · 6 months

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finally got around to watching rt's video on needy streamer overload, and it looks like a pretty cool game. watched some of the endings too. oddly relatable, which probably isnt a great thing. the whole ame/p-chan thing was... like, is this that bad? should i not be doing this? i dont really know how to...

it kinda brings up the question of why im writing any of this. its certainly not for any average user of this app, because i dont tag stuff so its basically impossible to find. its not really to communicate with my friends, because i have two of you on here and the stuff that i write isnt really meant for you to read. like, if you do thats great and feel free to engage and stuff but im fairly confident that neither of you have read anything past the first couple posts i made and thats totally fine but also hasnt stopped me from posting stuff. so the only person who is currently reading any of this on a day to day is me. which probably isnt healthy.

but maybe reading isnt the point? maybe i just enjoy writing this stuff? i find contentment in speaking into the void? does writing stuff as lily help me? or is it hurting? what does that even mean, writing as lily? did i write differently before?

am i trans, or am i delusional? does it matter? yes. yes i think it must. because there must be a difference between being literally trans and wanting to be someone youve made up because you hate yourself. you cant just be an evil prick and then decide to try again as a girl. is that what im doing? i think it is.

ive thought about this for a while, but its the first time im writing it down. im scared to post it, because it means that other people could potentially know in the future that ive had these thoughts, and they might be thoughts that youre not supposed to think. and this entire blog is proof that ive acted on them, at least a little. plus those assignments that i signed as lily. ive known that ive been thinking about this, but even that isnt permanent, because my memory is terrible. this is permanent. well, not actually, the internet forgets things too, but itll last a lot longer.

and again, i ask, to whose benefit is this? will the fact that i have written this on the internet bring me peace? ... ... ... it might.

what is my obsession with openness? i know it hurts people. i have hurt more people by telling them the truth than i ever have by lying. honesty is not a virtue, it simply a characteristic, same as all the others. will this post hurt people? possibly. i dont want it to. i dont see how it could hurt anyone other than myself at the moment, but im also pretty tired and not thinking 100% clearly.

i am probably going to regret this tomorrow.

but fuck it. this is a space where i am shouting my secrets into the void and if you didnt want to hear them you shouldnt have come here. this is my space, and im allowed to say whatever i want.

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in-decisivo · 7 months

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the eyes, they never lie

once i can read beyond that i know something is up,

something is wrong - something isnt where it is supposed to be

the whole stretch of 2022 i know something is up and i cant read into that yet - maybe because you were hiding or you stopped looking at me

for me to look back and read into whatever it is that you are hiding,

when you have gone to the province from April 2022 for more than a week the entire time you were there, my guts tells me something - and i never paid attention to it just because you said nothing is wrong so i learn not to trust my own intuition -

my guts has proven me right all along, you gaslighted me into thinking that im making this all up, that i dont have to act a certain way just because there are things that are going up against my beliefs, my plan and the way i think

i should listened to my intuition more, it wasnt just a whisper it was loud enough for me to tremble yet i ignored it the entire time

i know from that month i was certain i just cant point it out yet

i know

nearing the last few months of the year of 2022, and a few more sleepovers at your house it felt like a puzzle piece, its a labyrinth i dont know how to get out im lost definitely -

i had epiphanies of having to get out of your house in the middle of the night, or sneaking up on your computer and seeing things i shouldnt have or maybe able to check on that iPad when i knew whats on your Procreate drafts - i know it all

you know i wasnt able to do all of that because i believed everything was my fault and i couldnt for a second do anything else than jeopardize the relationship i wanted so badly back in 2018

i also believe you were hiding something from me when we were eating at Shakeys that October of the same year when you faced your phone down yet i ignored the signs, its indicative of what was the unverse was telling me

i wasnt ready to give up i dont want to and yet here you are, i know i couldve given up if you just told me on that night you did it with James i couldve just given up but it was my birthday isnt it?

i will never not look at you the same way again, to me you are just a lowly cheater who scrapes off of validation from people you shouldnt have - the world will see you just like the rest of them and you know what happens with the rest of them, condemned

and i know i should've been nicer but the way you handled this was abrupt and full of deception from last December, you wouldnt dare to be alive if that happened to you

so long mj, i know what it meant when you said "this is the first time that im feeling these things" "i wished you well but you didnt wished me well" "i will travel a parallel path but mine is more treacherous". you lousy liar

you and James, you both deserved to rot in hell

#mj #personal

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j1nx-xyz · 8 months

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Woo I'm not dead

August 31 2023

Listen I honestly forgot about this account so I haven't written in so long, so now I get to make a long post on my life updates (also ignoring the scary-ass clown staring at me on my homepage)

I don't remember what I wrote last so we will start with a big change. I dropped R (will not be using names) and I seemed to change for the better after that, well I think changed a lot. Though recently they started being a bitch, yk that Lana del Rey audio, it goes like "I win" at the end and they had the audacity to put "you blocked me" "I win" like excuse me actually I blocked you second because I didn't want you on my account and now you make it to be like some big achievement??? It's really not but yeah. you go bro. also after some more looking into things, (let me add context first) there were these two account both matching user and pfps and were on my partners account harassing them so I was like "Oh they have T's name in it ill ask R" asked them, they apparently knew nothing so I was like "ask T" apparently T didn't know though her name was in the user so I asked her personally and she was being a bitch about it and I was like "chill it was a question" now I would of stopped bugging her until she screenshotted the chat, like why would you do that if you knew nothing??? but anyways, found out one of those accounts commented under R video so that cleared everything, they did know them. honestly hate how they are starting shit.

Moving on. I think since you know I now have no friends in my school I can actually focus on work since its my last year, I also have been trying to improve talking to people and actually keeping a routine since my skincare went to shit one day and I didn't know why. i start school soon so I may not find time to carry this on but I want to. I've got to actually sign up for college too soon... probably going into photography or art but most likely photography. I'm getting a whole computer setup so I wont be hunched over my laptop like I am right now typing this, I do find being able to rant like this fun even if no one will read it.

Oh my friend J asked me to join a band they are making, I'm being guitar but i only have acoustic and prefer electric but it'll have to do, they sent us a really fast pace song like... I'm using acoustic??? but its okay i can figure it out, oh i have a DnD session with them tomorrow which i totally forgot about and now i cant go shopping with my mum but its okay.

I should finish up so i can go play on my ps with C and possibly other C (Maybe I should come up with nicknames for this)

#blog #myblog #life #idk #idk what tags to use

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justcallmedust · 1 year

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Maybe one day someone will read this that isnt a bot.

I am experiencing numbness in my face, on the right side, from my eye and behind it all the way down my cheek to the right nostril, corner of my mouth down to the jaw. This has been happening for a few months now. The toes on my right foot are also experiencing random numbness, only the smaller 3 tho.

I know these things could be associated with the Epstein Barr, Hypothyroidism or even the Lupus. I can't see a doctor about it so I wont every know for sure but its concerning because my father has diabetes and he experiences foot numbness also.

Yesterday the invitation for my youngest brother in law's wedding came and along with it was an invite to a bridal shower. When I saw it I felt my throat begin to close, I had to stop what I was doing and sit down because vertigo was right behind me. Once i regained control of myself, my first instinct was to tear them both up. I mean, theres no way I could possibly go to either of these things. The cost alone for nice clothing for 6 people would exceed a mortgage payment.. like how could we even? But its so much more than that.

I absolutely hate weddings, I think it is the most ridiculous and uneccesary thing people waste time and money on. I never would have gotten married myself if it werent for all the shit we went through with the custody battle between ourselves and my step-sons grandparents. NONE of which was even worth it, we should have just walked away - everything would be different now. But thats moot. Had that whole shit show not happened I would not be married right now, because it was, and is an outdated and useless tradition.

But its more than that too; I had no bridal shower, didnt receive any gifts.. I didnt even invite anyone to our wedding and it stands firm as one of the worst days of my life - and not just because I got married - it was an actual shit show of a day. We got married in the apartment we lived in at the time on one of the hottest days of that year, it was over 100 degrees and the cake my mother in law brought with her melted before we even said I do. I didnt even want a wedding, I wanted to sign the paper and just call it a day because it meant nothing to me. My mother in law happened to be ordained to perform marriages and instead of just signing that stupid paper she had to bring a wedding to my house. Only one of my friends came because I needed a witness to also sign the paper so I only invited her - we don't even talk anymore, she ghosted me about 10 years ago. Thanks for that btw KS. Right after we said I do, the snotty teenager shouted "what the heck was that" and I will never forget the sound of his winey little shit voice. Some of the local riff raff came over and it eventualy turned into a not nice party. The husband was shitfaced and eventually became abusive once everyone left and then passed out on the living room floor angry with me - as usual. No one that was there is part of our lives anymore, aside from his mother and my parents.. and our kids of course.

I have gone through phases where I wished I could have had a nice wedding with someone I loved surrounded by loved ones, but now I know I've run out of time for that. In the years that passed I attended the wedding of a friend I still am in contact with.. tho I never contact her because she's a lot and I burnt out on our friendship years ago. But I care about her and I just leave it where it is.. but the wedding was highly triggery and I knew then that I could not put myself through that again. Maybe if one of my kids gets married.. I dunno. All I do know is, I cannot handle the mental olypics I need to do to be ok at an even like this. So many things and emotions running through my head, I simply don't belong there. Also, at some point I will no longer be family to them and they wont even want the memory or pictures of me there ruining their happy day. I cant even smile with this mouth full of broken teeth..

I don't care if they hate me or if everyone thinks I'm wrong for not going. I can't do it.

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stargir1z · 2 years

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letter from my diss tutor.... keep reading for some updates + plans for next couple weeks

going to be reading the texts he recommended here, in order 2 prepare for writing stage. reading inventing the future by alex williams and nick srineck rn... been reading it for like 3 weeks.. dont know why i decided to take that on in the middle of my diss. so yeah. ill be reading these: dylan thomas piece, humdog’s pandora vox, and my boyfriend came back from the war. i will also finish exploration of electronic labyrinth

in terms of the commons.. probs pirate philosophy and hacker manifesto by mckenzie wark. dont know if ill have time for both but ill try. also the electronic disturbance + hakim bey

will be printing out the cybernetic hypothesis for a thorough theory challenge

ultimately i think i need to just start writing which is so freaking contradictory to everything i just said. theres just so many beautiful and cool texts on this, i cant stop . i guess in the end i am more of an absorber and curator of information, and maybe a distributor, but definitely not a primary source in the sense that i like to speak thru 1000 other voices. i dont know if thats a sign of no originality or if its just what everyone is like under all their hyperpersonal semiotics. elliott said i could write a book about this stuff later on. but i know later on imma be like. cool now give me somethig else. it feels like i should write the book now. lol . but i cant. so i just need to ? read and write at the same time ? and use the extended reading to brush back over the dust of what ive written and carve it out more clearly. i think if i did it that way - wrote a majority of the paper in about a week’s time, then continued reading and expanding, i could get somewhere. but rn im just lost in this sea >;(

design + send out a survey, prob SUNDAY / SATURDAY .

ill aim for:

(cause i have double shifts tmr and thurs lmao help)

THIS WEEKEND:

a) survey creation and dissemination,

b) reading hacker manifesto (at least relevant chapters),

c) creating a more precise flow into the final draft and writing at LEAST 1000 words.

NEXT WEEK:

a) reading those references in bullet point 1 to develop writing refs

b) focus on hakim bey and nomadology so that the SCENE chapter can be rounded out.

c) sit down another time and write Round 2

idk why im acting like i havent done anything the past couple weeks tho when i have. i did a deep dive on scihub, libgen, and pirate bay and their associated creators. i learned about open source movements and pirate parties. i read half of the whole pirate care curriculum. i had a meeting with hyun for the exidermis concept (and had the print slogans basically ready, gonna supplement with tiqqun and wark tho) and explained basically what im writing, to her, and to my mom yesterday. i thought of a seminar idea based off of CALLING ALL TUMBLRINAS in which i basically hold talks on Cyberfeminism Today in Relation to Tumblr Activism. its just that i am the kind of person who doesnt wanna miss anything and wants to read ALL the major literature so i really know what the F my work is drawing from. if i had more time i would also look into research of self directed pedagogy but i will just have to rely on my own experience for that .

#diss #process work

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