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phoenix-knight · 1 year

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TW: SELF-HATE

I have so much self-hate on a daily basis. it makes me so disgusted with myself. I hate myself for hating myself. every time I make the slightest mistake that anyone as a human being does, I trample on myself as if I was supposed to be some god who should have lived up to some higher standards.

"you dumb bitch, you cannot even study for a couple of hours the day before the exam. how incompetent can you be? could you not even read through the basic stuff so that you don't stare at the answer sheet blankly tomorrow like a mannequin? i hate you. i hate the way you look, your body keeps changing, some of the pants don't fit as well, you have probably gained weight. how could you not maintain urself now that ur finally doing better than you ever were since you were diagnosed. you rarely bathe, u don't do better skincare, you don't study, you don't get enough exercise, you have not washed ur hair in a week. you are a fucking nervous wreck who procrastinates till 9 PM and studies half-assedly the next day on the subway train to college. you can't even fucking press the pause button when the deadline is literally the next day for an important exam. dumbass motherfucker, ur just never enough"

there, i spewed all the venom out. i spat it out like a mouth filled with blood and beat up face. this is what goes on in my brain again and again, poisoning my thoughts.

i am so tired all the damn time. but I cannot seem to give myself a fucking break, because as seen from the poisonous monologue above, shaming myself for not being enough is my M.O.

you know what else is funny? those words are something my parents would say, something my mom still says sometimes. its mom's words in my voice when i fucking hate how unproductive I am.

no wonder i am not comfortable in my skin, and muscles are always tense as if I am about lose my shit and breakdown. i am always judging myself, seeing my actions and weighing them in comparison to my unbelievably unrealistic crazy ass standards for myself. the conventional epitome of all things perfection is as told by society.

living in the moment? i suck at it. see, one more thing I half-ass.

BUT BITCH, LISTEN TO ME:

burnout is real and ur spiralling, stop blaming urself

fat shaming urself again? nah uh. please keep the internalized misogyny aside, and look at urself. u have been running full throttle to keep up with life. and oh my god, fucking law school. the fluctuating periods of extreme exertion, exhaustion and stagnation not to mention the sleep deprivation is probably giving ur body whiplash. weight gain is natural, and no you don't look any different, you don't need to examine urself in the mirror.

bloating is a thing, beach bikini bodies are a myth, so value ur gut and treasure that satisfied burp after eating a good meal. foodgasms >>> washboard abs

acne are not single handedly caused by ur lack of skincare, remember the pollution? the stress hormones? ur diet? ur psych meds? calm the fuck down, u did not bring this upon urself.

slut shaming? no, sloth shaming! yes, I made this up rn.

sloth shaming: noun, verb, the practice of shaming a person for being unproductive by unrealistic standards with absolutely no context. god, I do this a lot. why do you expect urself to be working 24/7? when its not even humanly possible? ur not a fucking robot. hell, even robots can malfunction when they're overworked.

what is being "unproductive" anyway? resting, chilling, doing nothing, doing all the fun things u love? scrolling Instagram, shitposting on tumblr, pinning all ur fav kpop fanart? aren't all these things that you fucking love doing? then why blame urself for being "unproductive" when the term itself has such a negative connotation? ur not unproductive, ur slothing. enjoy the me time, chew on leaves and take a nap.

bathing is overrated. bath when you have the energy to, otherwise stick to washing ur face, hands and privates. fuck it, do the bare minimum. pamper urself on a washday instead.

of course ur a nervous procrastinating wreck for the exam season, how could you not be when ur a gen z gifted burnt out kid with anxiety, depression and bpd whose whole sense of self worth is hinged on academic validation? but its fine to just pass ur exams, not pass with flying colors.

you don't have to ace everything, you don't have to be the best, smartest person in the room. you don't have to want to be the ace at everything too. ur here to feel ur own presence and be true to it. ur here to do what you want by putting in the amount of effort you currently have the capacity for. do what you can, start small, you're OK. :)

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