#she’s given us so much of herself
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I think, in a lot of ways, Monika and Sayori are reflections of each other.
Really, I think all of the girls are similar in a lot of their issues (self-esteem, anxiety, etc) and that's something emphasized in a lot of the stories, and a big part of why they all gravitate towards each other and work to create the club as a safe space for all of them, but I think Monika and Sayori in particular are just very much alike.
I think Trust really emphasized this similarity in the reveal of Sayori's poem, Become the Flower.
Prior to shifting focus onto the poem, Monika talks to herself about her real vision for the Literature Club. I think here, Monika points out what Sayori actually meant when she said that Monika was "trying to make the club [she] needs the most, out of anyone", even if she doesn't actually realize that yet. It's pretty clear that when she says that literature is a window to the real self underneath the person who's "forced to always smile and blend in", and is "forced to be perfect", she's really talking about herself.
I think that a lot of Monika's character throughout Trust is expressed more subtly, often in a roundabout way like this. A huge part of the story is centered around Monika's own personal struggles expressing herself, and that trait is pretty well exemplified in this indirect way of talking about her own struggles. I think that the reason why Monika's characterization here is so subtle overall is reflective of this.
And I think it's pretty blatant that this is statement is also meant to be reflective of Sayori, given that we immediately move from this statement onto the poem which reveals to Monika that she's been hiding her own problems. In this way, I think Team Salvato wanted to explicitly point out how similar they really are, and draw your attention to it.
I think that the way that Trust as a story is put together is meant to really emphasize just how similar they are even in their differences; spending a great deal of time focusing on Monika's own problems, to then showcase Sayori as the mirror to them.
I think the two of them make a very interesting pair in that respect, because a big similarity they have is that they very much place others above themselves, so they both end up individually building each other up while they put themselves down. It creates this strange back and forth where they each insist they suck and the other is great, when the reality is that they're both pretty fantastic.
In the statement Monika made to herself about her vision of the club, while it's clear she's talking about herself, she frames it in the context of somebody else getting those benefits out of the Literature Club, rather than herself. Throughout the entirety of Trust, she speaks dismissively of her efforts and her problems alike, while pointing out that Sayori is providing a lot of help. Sayori by contrast spends most of her time hyping her up and points out, explicitly, that Monika doesn't give herself enough credit. She also dismisses her own efforts, pointing out in most things she does, up into the climax, that Monika is a lot better than her at whatever she's doing. And when Sayori's problems are actually revealed, she explicitly says that she doesn't want Monika to worry about her, and that she doesn't want to have this conversation.
I think this all really shows that both of them are averse to tackling their own problems head-on, and I think this comes out of a fear of being vulnerable, since that's directly mentioned several times in Monika's issues openly expressing herself.
I think what makes Monika's particular brand of self-negging quite so disheartening is that she dismisses it out of hand as her being silly and dramatic, and in that way, she doesn't actually address the fundamental problem underlying it, nor does she actually address the statements themselves as incorrect. The amount of time she spends talking down her own problems as something trivial and silly, particularly in comparison to Sayori's problems, are a manifestation of her own desire to avoid the vulnerability of even having these problems, and it's just...heartbreaking. Sayori's denial is its own can of worms, but Monika's ability to so consistently minimize her issues when they are clearly still impacting her is so uniquely troublesome.
I think a big difference between the two of them in that respect is that Monika wears significantly more of her heart on her sleeve, so Sayori finds it a lot easier to directly target Monika's problems than Monika does in the reverse, but their individual habits of avoidance are coming from the same place.
I'm traveling a bit aimlessly in this essay, trying to tie things together nicely as I see them, but there are just a lot of similarities I notice between their actions and the way they think that showcase that they have a lot of the same problems, and a huge theme in Trust is expressing oneself, which both Monika and Sayori struggle to do, in much the same way.
I think a key similarity between the two of them is their tendency to catastrophize over a situation when left alone, mostly revolving around seeing the worst possible scenario for how they could've personally messed up the situation. I'm just rewatching Trust for this little essay, so there are two major moments I see Monika doing this, but I remember Sayori doing this...a few times, actually, throughout the side stories.
I think the spiral Monika goes into after reading Become the Flower is particularly important, as it exemplifies the habit of dismissing her own problems fantastically; in this case, she has an excuse. It's true that Monika's issues with her perfectionism seem silly and trivial in comparison to Sayori's, but that's exactly the thing: She shouldn't be comparing them in the first place! Her problems are real, and they clearly cause her distress, but because Sayori's own issues appear so much more serious than hers, she dismisses them wholesale as her being dramatic and silly. Because Monika's problems seem so small, she doesn't see them for the problems they really are. In the same way, because her own accomplishments and work seem so small, she doesn't see them for the accomplishments they are.
This spiral showcases Monika's biggest problem, the reason why she has such trouble expressing herself, and conversely, the exact same problem Sayori has. She doesn't want to be the center of attention.
Put another way, she doesn't think she deserves to be the center of attention. Her problems are so trivial; her accomplishments menial. Her fear of vulnerability isn't a fear that others will hurt her; it's a fear of being selfish.
Sayori is very similar, in that the reason she actively works to avoid showing any possible sign that anything is wrong is because she doesn't want anyone to worry about her. She doesn't want other people to dedicate time and energy to her.
I think that for both of them, this comes from low self-esteem. Sayori is self-explanatory I think, but I'd say Monika's perfectionism makes it exceptionally difficult for her to really feel accomplished in anything she does, which, coupled with her constant preoccupation with how she appears to other people (I think Monika places very high expectations on herself. I mean, Trust literally starts with her frantically apologizing and saying "I normally don't ever do this!" when Sayori finds her napping) makes it very difficult for her to feel confident in herself.
The fear both Sayori and Monika have in being vulnerable isn't that people will use that vulnerability to hurt them.
It's that people will try to help them.
And I think that's a really big part of why Sayori feels like she can trust Monika with her darkest thoughts, because she understands that they're the same in a lot of ways.
Monika created the club which she needed the most...and it was also the club Sayori needed the most, for the exact same reason.
I think it's kinda easy to overlook a lot of this because of the sheer amount of focus placed onto Sayori and the more explicit issue Monika has (insofar as the plot is concerned), but I think Sayori is exactly what Monika needs just as much as Monika is what Sayori needs.
#i'll probably be making a lot more of these sorts of essays on different characters + side stories#i just noticed this and thoughts it was really interesting to look at#i think there's not a whole lot of focus given to monika as a character through the side stories in general outside of this#probably because the base game gives so much#i think this is a really interesting showcase of the pressure of this expectation which monika has of herself to be perfect#one thing i didn't mention here is that monika seems to outright reject the authority/seriousness of the club president position#i think another similarity between the two of them is that monika seems to use humor to soften things which make her uncomfortable#which based on the flippant way she talks about setting an example as club president specifically#it seems like she's not exactly confident in acting as an authority in her position#idk i really have a lot to say about them. both individually and together.#musings#ddlc monika#ddlc sayori#ddlc#doki doki literature club
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#spy x family#sxf#yor forger#thorn princess#tumblr polls#okay in case you didn't know: Yor has references to sleeping beauty#first ref is her code name. Thorn ironically being what put the princess to sleep while it's what Yor uses to put others “to sleep”#Technically her weapons aren't thorns but they could seen as one with her being “the rose” and her stilettos the “thorns” she uses 2defend#herself. Also the rose being her signature flower shown both in her headwear her pin and her assassin clothing#The less obvious fact is her maiden surname#Briar is the name in Little Briar Rose. The ENG title translation in the german version of this tale#Another fun fact considering Ostania is based on Germany so obviously none of these were coincidences#At first I thought the rose could be one of the emblems of the organization as a whole or in general#but after seeing the shopkeeper the only resemblance I could find between his design and Yor's is that both wear those daggers accessories#Yor wearing them in plain sight as earrings while the shopkeeper has them hanging from the ends where he ties his apron behind his neck#so maybe those are the emblems much like that symbol with an eye is to WISE#Of course given how the organisation is called Garden I suppose one of the main themes are plants/flowers/nature#Which has me wondering if other characters may have tale inspo as well or Yor is one the few/only who has references to a tale#it could be something that appears frequently perhaps? Just like many spies have code names related to the different times of day 🤔#anyway this is just a chance to bring the topic and see if others are cooking theories. Feel free to shout your speculations here#sxf manga spoilers#just in case#god now I want to make a sona just to shove on them all my interest about flowers and tales#MY BAD the shopkeeper has the stilettos (?) hanging at the ends of the strings to keep his hat in place ☠️
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i started reading this fucking out of character thick of it fanfic like a week ago bc even tho i could tell from first glance it was going to be ooc i was just curious and it sounded kind of funny slash tragic. (how are you tagging grief child death domestic violence attempted suicide on a ttoi fic hello?) and i dooo like complaining And for the most part if it weren't supposed to be about those guys it would just be pretty good so im not Regretting it? but i didn't realise how many stories were in the series and im probably 150k words in. and not much more than halfway through
#and it doesnt even have sex scenes. fml#me.txt#iam also so fed up with writing that seems to romanticise women prioritising men andtheir emotions over their own personal safety/ wellbeing#like im not saying you cant Depict that but maybe lets unpack that. and not treat it as if it's just that woman's inherent personality#rather than a something shes been Taught to do#though while we're on the subject actually i dont think the way nicola is written is in character either#like i focus on malcolm bc its more egregious but nicola is not.. shes not putting her kids before herself like that.#i know losing one of them might make a difference but its not even presented like it's bc of that. its just oh im writing a woman well her#priority must be her kids! well no she is a bad mum and doesnt really like her kids so#but that didnt stand out to me so much until i started rewatching s3.#i was more like ah yes. famously anti-racist feminist ally malcom tucker who easily goes not just hours but months at a time without saying#anything homophobic and uses the occasional ableist turn of phrase in his mind but usually keeps it to himself.#i mean i can definitely understand not wanting to comr up with and write realistic malcolm tucker dialogue. i wouldnt want to.#but well the whole thing is a bit he wouldnt fucking say or do any of that#but again. i could see that clearly from the description and walked in eyes open#its good tho its given me a lot to think about at work.
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getting intense joy from painting my nails wasn’t an expected outcome of my day but it is definitely a welcome one!
#in todays episode of ‘oh dang cis ppl can also get gender euphoria huh’#the more this happens the more I am convinced that gender expression is rly a personal thing#bc like. my roommate would NOT like to paint her nails or wear hairbows or skirts. she doesn’t enjoy them.#but she considers herself very feminine in her own right by the colors and styles of the shirts she wears and how she does her hair#I didn’t used to think I liked looking particularly feminine at all bc I found so much of it uncomfortable#turns out girliepop had sensory issues and the ‘beautiful lace dresses and nylon tights and makeup’ wasn’t doing it for me#but when given the chance to choose how I look. I find that I actually enjoy some of the stereotypical feminine stuff a lot!#and also enjoy some stereotypically unfeminine things bc they make me *feel* more like a girl even if they’re not like that for everyone#like my Minecraft socks! and t-shirts from the men’s section at Meijer. and button ups with loud patterns! and my undercut 🩵#also a lot of it I think is just. I am expressing what I like and enjoy. and part of who I am is a girl. so having the ability to express#myself in my clothing means I feel more like me. which includes feeling like a girl. which is v cool.#like I have other nail polish but I don’t like it bc it’s smth my mom picked out for me and it’s not rly my taste.#I have a ton of jewelry but only some of it is smth I would ever actually wear. bc I got it from my great grandma. who had different tastes.#but my Minecraft socks and patterned skirts and graphic tees and hairbows are all things that show what I like!#even if it’s not super matchy or coordinated. I look like me!#and now I have nails in my favorite color and I’m gonna try and get my hair dyed again in colors I like#I just. have the agency to look like me. and I keep surprising myself by how much I love that.#instead of copying what my family considers to be ‘good taste’
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@infernalpursuit inquired: does your muse believe in an afterlife?
(( As with all things with Miranda: it's complicated.
The religion that Miranda has the most contact with and could most be considered as being brought up within is the religion attached to the Crown, the one that Amanda's currently the head of. This isn't to say it was a particularly strict connection. Even the other members of the Royal Family aren't necessarily too fussed about believing strictly in the religion (save except Amanda herself), and mostly care about presenting the image that they do, less than self-enforcing it among themselves and within themselves. If Miranda said and did the right things when it mattered, then what was behind closed doors didn't, since the political connection is far more important and far more vital to what they do. Miranda was walked through all the ritual parts of what she was expected to do, was given all the things that she was expected so say, and so long as she upheld both of these and followed along for major holidays and interactions, she was allowed a fairly long leash when it came to religion.
Of course, this also included tutelage under Amanda herself, with a certain degree of religious schooling by Amanda being necessary to Miranda's title as Crown Princess, but also in other classes and studies as well, since there was a lot of information that needs to be passed down to the future ruler.
Which is... where things get complicated.
The crown's religion is mostly animist, like a lot of other merfolk religions, and centers on the Sleep and the Wake, with the mortal world being in the middle of the gradient between the two, as the Sleep filters up to the surface and the Wake filters down to the seafloor. They believe that merfolk have souls, yes, but so does everything else, not just alive, but also inanimate objects and places and phenomena. They also believe that souls are plural in the first place, giving away pieces of themselves and picking up pieces of other souls, constantly changing, and that the lines between souls are blurry.
When a merfolk dies, they believe that the soul will reincarnate into another body or bodies, and there are gods devoted to ensuring that the correct soul finds the correct next body where it will be needed. Other gods are devoted to messing up this process and switching up where the soul will go, to ensure it ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Other gods will protect the soul as it lingers in the mortal realm, waiting to take on the next body or just observing the living, and other gods yet will help lead the soul down to the Sleep, where they return to being the raw material of creation and become something different entirely. Or, souls might wander down into the Sleep, but then later wander back up to the realm of the living, without taking on a new life. There's considered to be a lot of souls who remain in the uppermost layers of the sleep, living in cities and towns that are strange reflections of the living world, where one of the living might accidentally wander themselves and not realize that all of the people around them are dead.
The most common interpretation of all of this, and the one held mostly by the more commonfolk of the Merkingdom, is that care should then be taken to help guide the soul into their next body or where they need to go as much as possible. There's a lot of ritual involved around deaths, including examples of funerary cannibalism, to ensure the soul takes care of the people they loved in life or that they become a form that would be helpful to the people they loved.
The royals usually take a more indirect approach, however. They will still invoke the gods and write their symbols and have complicated funerary rites dedicated to capturing certain gods' attention, but enforcing where it goes is less important to them. Considering one of the gods which leads the peaceful dead to the next body and life that needs them most is a mythologized, godly counterpart to the Royal Family's very real ancestor, you can imagine why their living counterparts would feel fairly assured in what is happening to the soul after death. Even moreso when the dead Vanderbilts are then interred in the Royal Catacombs, where their last resting place becomes an altar and a dedicated space to this god, where converts can go to worship.
For Miranda, it's this last part that's the biggest stickler in her mind. Seldom outside of proper events does Amanda allow her down into the Royal Catacombs, and especially not to see the tomb of the Former Queen — since the entire area is considered to be under her purview, and it's something Amanda can hold over Miranda, poking and prodding at her and making her behave as she wants if Miranda wants to go see their mom for herself.
Which, really, the heart of this problem is Amanda. Miranda... tries not to think about religion because of her specifically, and especially doesn't like to think about what would happen to her after death, or what happened to her mom, or even what's happened to all of her ancestors. Would they be angry at her? Hate her? Think she's squandering all the gifts she was given, gifts which said she would have been a perfect ruler, a perfect Vanderbilt, a perfect Cees'rril'ta, if only she actually did what she was told? Amanda tells her they would be. Amanda drives the message home that Miranda's not worthy of seeing their mother, that she's done something insulting to her memory, that that's why their mother would have nothing to do with Miranda from beyond the grave. And it's not like Miranda can openly challenge this, she's no expert and Amanda is supposed to be one, and how would she even know if there's been any influence of their mother hanging around and trying to help her?
And even worse: what will happen to Miranda, after she's dead? Miranda's seen the tomb where she's supposed to go after she's dead, and the thought of people coming by to leave prayer charms around the door and begging her bones for kindness is... a lot. It's a lot in a bad way, and Miranda doesn't want people to see her like that, all her bones laid out on display and vulnerable and dead, and for them all to come by, them all to claim some ownership over her body... Does she even have a soul, really? What if she doesn't? What if she fucked up, what if she doesn't actually have a soul, that she's all dead and wrong inside and not even really a person? Or what if she does? What if she has to come back? What if she has to do this a second time? What if there really isn't any escape? What if she has to look at all the people who come to worship her bones and who look at her and see her as her final form, a holy relic, a priceless object forever owned by the Merkingdom, with nothing ever able to change that?
The thoughts get worse from there, especially regarding Bellanda and the entire genre of terrifying thoughts that involve her and death.
So Miranda just... doesn't think about religion. She wouldn't say she doesn't believe, no, because that would still require a degree of thought devoted to that conviction. Instead Miranda just snips the thought out of her head entirely, removes religion from her thought process and her mind, never speaks on the issue unless it's a part of her duties and she has to, and then all she has to do is parrot what she's supposed to.
But there's still a degree of worship there, too. Not in an actively-thinking-about-it way, just... Just in the fact that Miranda still tries to make prayer charms to attach to the former Queen's tomb every time she attempts to sneak down there. She still holds on tight to the single charm she was allowed to have as a pup from her funeral. She still goes to the altars and does the brief prayers when something especially bad is on her mind, and to Miranda, she just lets it come automatically, without thought. It's easier if she doesn't think about it. If she doesn't try. If she just hopes and wants and tries to get some good luck anyhow, please, and only feels these in her chest, and never thinks about them at all.
#Glory and Gore || IC#Dreaded rumors || Asks#Given by Divine Right || Headcanons#infernalpursuit#(( miranda. kinda really feels fucked up about her mom.#(( but she wont ever let herself parse just how fucked up she feels about it#(( so she just panics and doesnt think about the vast network of problems of WHY she feels so fucked up about it#(( from how much shes supposed to be a perfect mini replica of her mom#(( to being a perfect example of a vanderbilt#(( to just not knowing her mom and wondering if she would care about her at all#(( if she'd be like her dad and like the other royals or if shed ever actually legitimately feel something for her#(( or if miranda really is just a massive fuckup and tarnishing her memory and mocking it by being so similar to her#(( all her life shes been compared to someone who is dead and received the expectations of the dead#(( to the point where miranda doesnt really think shes alive at all#(( let alone her own person#(( and amanda coming in and twisting the knife and using all of this as a weapon to bludgeon miranda with doesnt help either
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I was looking through my notes for Good Omens fanfiction, and realized almost every damn story includes Crowley having a baby.
There's the one where Heaven and Hell decide to use an angel baby carried by a demon as a diplomatic tool, leading into Crowley being protected by Michael, and them falling in love.
There's the one where she leaves her baby with Anathema and disappears, which triggers all the following events - from the search, to Aziraphale's trial, and everything else.
There's the one where she has to supply the new Antichrist, which leads to her and Lucifer falling in love, and her being crowned the Queen of Hell. (Well, this one is really two stories set in different timelines, in the second one the "baby" is like 27)
In the one inspired by a dream, she does have a baby eventually, but that's far from the worst thing that happens to her. Gabriel's treatment of her after is... How the Hell will I write this damn thing if I can't even think about it.
There's no baby in the one where she gets tortured with diluted holy water.
I see I have no storyline with male Crowley just yet... Fine, that's not true. I do have some thoughts for Crowley x Fem!Lucifer... It could include a new Antichrist, too. And, Crowley wouldn't be the pregnant one for once. But, dealing with pregnant Lucifer would probably be even scarier.
#diary pages#writing journal#fanfiction writer#ao3 writer#good omens fanfiction#good omens fandom#crowley#good omens crowley#lady crowley#fem!crowley#writers on tumblr#writer life#ffs what's with me and torturing miss/mr. snake#she's either pregnant or she's in some horrible situation or actually it's both#yes i feel damn guilty for doing that but i can't help it#in first two bullet points the dad is aziraphale but he screws up (without even knowing it) so michael steps in...#in the first one and not immediately as a love interest at first just as a protector#don't worry she's in on using the kid for politics and crowley know's there's drama#the second i'd rather not spoil because of the detective/investigation plot#hey but she chose michael herself she was supposed to be with hastur#in the antichrist one all is obvious and honestly it's one of those “good for her” stories for crowley#but in the time jump she is kind of riddled with worry for maxine fearing she'll burn out and so on#grr the dream storyline... the dad is gabriel and don't worry in the end she ditches him i can spoil that this story is so heavy#this story is the ugly crowing jewel of my frustration with crowley saving aziraphale over and over again#what she does to protect him here almost ends up killing her or breaking her it's... seriously no idea how i'll write it#i'm also worried people will think i'm romanticising it when it's supposed to leave the reader sickened like i am#no comment on the holy water thing rn it's a simple hurtfic that develops into a survivor - the previous one is survivor in the end too#i haven't given too much thought for the crowley/f!lucifer but it should be good#fr hell would be so frustrated she chose this moron as her king consort but could do nothing about it#her pregnant would be SCARY - she's terrifying already... well terrifying and to die for
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Decided Rena would be a good model for the new event background, and was reminded of back over two years ago when some people thought she might have been the Mirrors Witch, and now here she is, in front of the background from the event about the actual Mirrors Witch’s meguca form, who’s nothing like Rena at all...
Also reminded in turn that Rena has now, alongside many others, directly fought against the true Mirrors Witch herself, but given that she never fought Mikoto, I couldn’t write that in the above :(
#would rena get along with mikoto? no im pretty sure mikoto would try to kill her#most meguca are inherently unhappy but rena at least chooses to see the world around her as it actually is#iirc mikoto's bit was using her own magic on herself to disguise the truly horrid life she lived from herself#i feel pity for her in the same way that i do for hanna#their lives sucked and i can get why they made the wishes they did#but the last acts they did as they went out (or after they did so) were unjustly cruel#i don't know too much of mikoto's story so far since the event is still being translated#but i was around for the flowers' lament on na and yeah hanna what gives#i know she was losing it badly at that point but. the azaleas really didn't have to do with anything#moral of the story: if you're fucked over by politics#fuck over the *politician*#unrelatedly major props given to the kamihama mayor for not just realizing the damage she'd done but also moving to fix them#like she's confronted by some high schoolers (and an elementary schooler) after trying to jump off a roof and. took that quite wll.#magia record#minami rena#mirror witch#sayonara storage#rapo rambles in the tags
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also … that IS one of her greatest strengths. using criticism to better her craft and propel herself forward.
#and honestly it’s a more valid way of doing it than I’ve ever really given her credit for#I’ve always seen it with at least as much chagrin as affection#because it always seemed like unnecessary pain to me#like if she simply learned to care less and be less defensive she wouldn’t be so wounded#but actually as always there’s more purity and more worth to her process than I first assumed#(as always)#it’s for sure one of the more painful ways to live!!! but it demands so much of her#she lets it force her to rise above and dig deep. to push herself almost to the breaking point#and in whatever spirit she takes it (and she is allowed!) she uses it as feedback#and she’ll do the work to be better so thoroughly and exhaustively#and the results are beautiful!!!!#this is why she wears so well and only gets better with time#and why even though she was successful so fast there was this metallic bitterness to the first reaction to her#for her and other people#she wears sweeter because she DOES want to earn your trust and affection#and she will earn your respect!!!!#and that’s a quality so few pop stars (or tbh people) really have#ask me why so many fade and I’m still here!!!!!!
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.
#i kind of wish taylor was less ubiquitous/pervasive in culture.#i can kind of understand people feeling like she’s everywhere and shoved down their throats#that’s really on the way companies and such use her for their own marketing#and she doesn’t pick herself to win grammys#so this isn’t against her at all#i just wish culturally it would settle down#like that it’s a given she’s everywhere#wins awards#etc#i don’t want people to feel force fed#at the same time it’s annoying how much blame she gets for this#versus telling companies to stop kissing ass by trying to be relevant with using her in their social media advertising and such
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straight up getting emotional about a thing that happened in a campaign that ended over a year ago
like. i wrote an ambiguous and biased backstory of a character who is part of an apocalyptic world-ending cult, who deep down wanted to study wizardry but had to frame it as going undercover as an apprentice and stealing secrets from this doddering old archmage to aid her people’s cause . and then she goes and learns wizardry and eventually realizes she wants more for herself and breaks from her cult
and i mean. there’s a lot of ways my dm could have run with that. i was fully expecting that archmage to be furious at my character for lying to and stealing from him. and so when they ran into each other again, i was braced for a fight, or at least an altercation
but instead the archmage went. i knew all along. of course i knew. i’m a divination wizard, silly. i saw a young woman in a bad place and i wanted to help her. i thought that by showing her kindness and creating an environment for her that wasn’t all about power struggles and nihilistic fanaticism that she might realize that there was more out there in the world for her. that she deserved more. you didn’t steal secrets from me, because i gave them to you. i was your teacher. i loved you and love you still
and god i didn’t know where that character was going to end up before then. i thought maybe she could go on a typical wizard hubris spiral, or a revenge quest against her old cult, but in that moment i was like. oh. she is loved. she has new friends, new family. she has a reason to change, a reason to care. her story is just about love, and about making people’s lives better
her alignment shifted from neutral to neutral good soon after. she never stopped being curious, sometimes to the point of foolishness, but she never squandered her teacher’s gift. she left the world better than she found it
#i just WEEP when i think about it sometimes#and then her teacher did just become the party's best wizard bud#we got his teleportation circle and then just showed up to his tower all the time#to hang out#we eventually got a dedicated guest room#my wizard shared all the spells she learned with him. including some dunamancy ones that she pieced together herself#he even fought a tarrasque with us#eventually she even passed him in level#and when he found out she could cast wish...he was SO PROUD#genuinely in the final arc getting an 'im proud of you' from this man was the best thing that had ever happened to me#and honestly i think his influence is why at the end of the campaign my wizard chose to die of old age#she had access to pretty much every necromantic secret in the world#given she did a LOT of necromancy research over the course of the campaign. plus her old cult did a lot of it so she was well versed#she could have found immortality in a hundred different ways#but instead she lived a good life. loved her friends#and passed on peacefully with her warforged friend by her side#so the point of all this is love IS the answer#her character arc felt so natural to me. i lived it for YEARS and one day i looked back and realized she had changed utterly#even though i hadn't once made the conscious choice for her to change#it was just love. from everyone around her#it was impossible for her to NOT change in the face of it all#AUGHGHGHGGGHH#oc: arabella
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society if we stopped acting like sasha wouldnt have done worse than jon at staying human and not causing the apocalypse
#shes really not that good a person and more to the point#more to the point.#she's got LESS of an idea of privacy than jon#its insane how little regard she has for the privacy of others#but still expects to have it herself. of course#i don't dislike her but the fandomification of this gal is a bit egregious!#she's not as competent as people think!#really isn't!#she's impulsive and doesn't listen to other people#also she didnt have that web mark so. that flat is the reason jonah passed her over#uh. given this tag lets just#the magnus archives spoilers#yeah#ok where was i.#web mark plus easy to manipulate is why jon got picked up for the role#though i would like to joke its because he's a fellow 'old at heart young in body' kind of guy#which may be the funniest way ive ever referred indirectly to the bodyhopping#yeah it wasnt as much a glass ceiling (gertrude is Right There? so many people in the institute- sonja??) as a lack of opportunity#no easy and obvious phobia to use for manipulation#and one less mark. so!#i mean now im getting off my initial point but i am still pretty fired up about it#anyways#uh. archivist sasha would fail to end the world but only because the web would just ignore her#and thats It#sasha's already watching and collecting secrets my gal is going to be an eye monster by s2#sasha james#the magnus archives#tma
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idk if anyone has done this before but da2 au where you think at first its a both twins lived au and then find out bethany died and thats actually non-warden amell posing as her. something something escaped with jowan maybe, found her relatives in lothering, sought refuge with them and when bethany ended up dying it was way lower profile for amell to take the place of her cousin than try to get in to kirkwall with them as a non-immediate family member (especially given that leandra is publicly coming in as an amell and theres a resemblance and its known revka had mage kids taken to the circle and im sure theres a bulletin out or whatever for an escaped apostate matching amells description). points if people comment on how ‘bethany’ clearly takes after her mother. leandra is not normal about it. aveline knew the real bethany at least in passing bc of living in the same town and treats this as a reason for her distrust of hawke and co and one of the reason she sabotages carvers application with the guard.
#gamlen has fights with leandra about it and both of them are uncomfortable with the situation in their own ways#if amell ends up recaptured and taken to the gallows cullen is obviously a massive threat to her#im thinking ignore the dai retcons of his character and actually yknow. look at what his creepy dao characterization and position in the#kirkwall templars would reasonably amount to in a person and have him threaten that he can have her exposed as amell instead of bethany any#time he feels like it (and thus get her made tranquil or executed) so its up to her to try to make sure he doesnt feel like it#by doing whatever he wants her to. this is actually slightly more cunning than you would expect out of this guy but he has plenty of#other kirkwall templars to ape this particular kind of plan/behavior from. it would fit really well with a bunch of the canon stuff we see.#and much in the same way that the bethany you end up with as a non-mage hawke is fundamentally a different character than the bethany that#had another mage sibling to grow up with and thus was not as isolated and in a position to blame herself for#i think an amell that ends up in this situation is not the star student of the first enchanter. i mean she couldnt fight well enough to#affect the ogre or heal well enough to save the real bethany. and she wasnt brought on the expedition despite not having leandra's 'leave#your baby sister out of this dangerous trip' happening bc as weird as leandras relationship to a#amell is its still one where if amell could be doing something to try to prove herself useful to the family she would#if she was straight up escaping kinloch with jowan i think she had reason to believe she was more unsafe than usual in the circle#and lacked the 'safety net' of the first enchanter giving a shit about her. so. probably at risk from cullen. hah wow this is a much darker#au than i first anticipated which given the initial concept is 'emotional problems from posing as her dead cousin' centric says something
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Ok, but like. The agent's Nar Shaddaa mission had to have been about 80% unsanctioned, right? Like, yeah, go find out about and dismantle any terror cell on Nar Shaddaa, by whatever means you deem best, yes. But the means being "collaborate with a former Watcher who so deeply traumatized the rest of the Agency that they can't even talk about what happened but they thank you if you kill him" can't have been like. "plan a."
#swtor imperial agent#i really deeply feel that watcher x and watcher two have a past together#even if she wasn't at all connected to the ops that Went Wrong and eventually got him 'retired'#i think there's hero-worship there and a fear of becoming him#and a need to prove that surely she doesn't actually have anything to worry about#and sure maybe he did one bad thing (or a series of bad things)#but the conditioning is still there and still right. and the empire is still right.... right?#agent narsh is just watcher two trying to prove to herself that Everything Is Okay#and then everything backfiring spectacularly#if you couldn't trust me why would imperial intelligence give us this assignment - i don't think they did#i think watcher two did because she wants so badly to believe that even though watcher x Went Wrong he's still the Watcher she admired#and yes yes i'm sure watchers are given a large degree of freedom in terms of what specific assignments they send their agents on#but as much as she likes what's proper and 'the rules' idk if she actually got the official go-ahead on this one#like. keeper's got his hands full anyway dealing with. yaknow. everything falling apart.#she can justify not getting his signature on every little thing if it's gonna cause him more hassle to make him sign off#so ask for forgiveness instead of permission when her brilliant plan works because surely it's going to work#watcher x makes her skin crawl but her cipher is Very Good#and he's the watcher she always dreamed of being#so it has to be the right call to pair them up. right?#sorry for writing a novel in the tags but you know it is with imperial agent replays
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im about to complain so hard about irl people u best believe it
#but its not really about this person specifically. disregarding the fact she annoys me so much#this girl has always made me feel like an evil bitch who is only capable of hurting everyone around me. and her friends told me as much#and whats worse is we used to be friends too. im not gonna lie and say i never made mistakes in my friendships#but theres a difference between showing me i did something wrong and demonizing me for it#but somehow she has been following me everywhere i go. she followed me to a summer program. she followed me in volunteer programs.#she followed me to my damn high school and then she followed me to that stupid group job interview#and shes better than me in every single way and i wouldnt care if i just didnt know her#i hate feeling jealous and petty like this because then i feel like im proving her right but oh my god#i wouldnt care if i didnt get that job if SHE didnt answer those questions perfectly with no struggle or stutter and such a big smile#everytime she shows up its like theres no point that i do anything at all#who cares if i dont get a job but why would it have to be given to HER. and i know it will. because shes better and she always does#the only time she doesnt get something is if she herself refuses it. and i try to ignore it i try not to feel this way#because it feels so gross and like she was right about me all along. but im so tired too#aricouldyounot
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friends! guidance please?
my daisy jones spiral and @actuallylukedanes being generally awesome has reminded me how much i miss writing songs, and how much i used to want to learn to play guitar--and my best friend suggested a guitar could be my birthday gift this year. (i'm not used to asking for 'frivolous' or dreamy gifts any more, so it's become a really nice idea.)
november is still a long way off, but there seem to be a lot of used guitars floating around that i'll be able to choose from when it's time. i don't think i need anything fancy or special since i'll be such a beginner, just something acoustic that's cheap and also pretty if possible (they come in colors! i love that).
but i've realized that when it comes to buying from someone local, a method that worked really well for me the last time i needed furniture...i have no idea if there's anything i should know or look for when it's a guitar. because i don't yet play guitar! is there some way for me to know i'm buying one that works?
this feels like a dumb or obvious question, but since the choosing/arranging will be up to me, i don't want to be the reason my family buys me a birthday gift that turns out to be, like, broken or something. i'm not always the most possessing of what could be considered common sense. so, for those who might know: is it really obvious when a guitar is broken, off, nonfuctional? do i need to worry?
#actuallylukedanes#i have the best best friend#daisy jones and the six#i love music so much though#fun fact: i have a side blog where i started trying to post the lyrics of every song i've written#(it's an overstuffed folder collection at this point and i got distracted quickly and never finished)#but i was so jealous when the friend i grew up 'performing' with was given a guitar as a teen#by our youth pastor at that time#and she started playing it and recording herself with a handheld camera#and now we live in a world with youtube#and as much as i have changed and grown over the years the performer i have basically been since birth#is still just as with me as ever so i have every suspicion that what used to be singing for kids on our street#or at open mic nights or on the bus#could be very gratifying in a 'youtube channel' format#i'd say 'tiktok' too because i know how popular it is...but i still have no interest in that world yet
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Me when most people name their child after themselves: COME UP WITH A NEW NAME LOSER
Me when Queen Serenity names her daughter Usagi: *ugly sobbing*
#sailor moon#queen serenity#usagi#chibiusa#I have EMOTIONS#we know that Sailor Moon sees Usagi as the version of herself who got to be a normal kid#and that she misses her#and that she legit has to use the silver crystal to transform now because she wishes she could just be Usagi again#so her adult self who's given up Usagi entirely#and embrased Neo Queen Serenity#calling her daughter Usagi#Just#Ugh#it speaks so much to her wishes for her daughter's future#and to the fact that while she's adjusted#this isn't what she wanted for her life#and she's hoping for her daughter's life to be different#so YES the end of the first episode of season 2 lives rent free in my head#how can it NOT when she stares at the moon with tears in her eyes mourning her old life????
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