#she wants SO BADLY to be able to create. she can't. can she? (usually) only within her function though she reeeaches...!
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Pitiful, You're Pitiful
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ch. ii
group : ateez
pairing : aged up!wooyoung × aged up!reader
genre : angst, mature
word count : 3 k
warning : adultery, cheating, medical condition (?), mentions of loss/miscarriage, negative depiction of wooyoung
a/n : happy valentine's <3
It had been two months since the night you were intimate with Wooyoung and it was still suffocating to think about.
It hurts a lot actually. But you can't let your sadness take over you, especially when Wooyoung hasn't shown any concrete signs that you should be worried other than your feelings. So you kept it to yourself, you kept your anxiety in and with every trip and team dinner or client meeting, you convinced yourself that he was doing what he said he was doing no matter how nauseated it made you feel. The stress must've gotten to you badly because the nausea was starting to become unbearable and even made you vomit almost every day. You figured it was psychosomatic but since it had affected your housework (aka Wooyoung complaining that you were up late several times, Dayoung grumbling under her breath about you not even caring to make her breakfast, and Woohyun refusing to go to kindergarten because he was worried over you).
Today started quite roughly.
"MOM!"
You barely held onto the countertop of your sink when you heard your daughter huffing from the other side of the door. The pain in your head and the discomfort from your stomach made your body sway slightly and the second round of angry knocks felt like a hammer to your head.
"Mom, seriously, I'm gonna be late!" Dayoung sighed sharply. You could just imagine the look on her face and while you love your children to bits, the way your body was practically shutting down on you, it felt like you wanted to scream back at her to give you a break. But you kept reminding yourself that you're the parent, she's an angsty teenager and you can't create a hostile environment for your youngest.
By whatever force that was working in your favour, you managed to walk yourself to the door and though your hands were cold, clammy, and trembling, you were able to open the door to see your daughter glaring at you. "S-sorry sweetie, mommy's not feeling well right now," you sighed, wiping the cold sweat off your forehead with your palm.
Dayoung hated the way you referred to yourself as if she was still a child or something and she let you know her disdain with a scoff and a roll of her eyes. "If you were so against me taking the bus in the morning, you could've at least made an effort to be punctual. I had to dress Woohyun, you know that? He and his milk-drenched chin almost ruined my cardigan and uniform. How is it that I'm doing things you're supposed to? Couldn't you have gotten drunk during the weekends or something?" she sneered, oblivious that it had been a while since you touched alcohol because when you tried to have a glass the week before, you ended up throwing up for some reason. The throbbing was coming back along with annoyance and you couldn't help the sharp exhale that you let out, "Can you not be like this right now? You being disrespectful won't make me move any faster." At least Dayoung had the decency to shut her mouth but from the corner of your eyes, you could see her fists clenching. "Where's your dad anyways? He knew I was not feeling well, he could've taken you and Woohyun to school." Although you were sighing and struggling to move without keeling over, you still forced your body to cooperate, determined to prioritize your motherly duties above letting sickness take over you completely. Dayoung only leaned on the wall while texting her friend, completely aware that you had almost fallen over a couple of times as you changed into your jeans, "I don't know, Daddy seemed to be in a rush this morning. He went out like an hour earlier than usual, humming and mumbling something about meeting someone for coffee before going to the academy."
The lighthearted tone Dayoung used didn't hide the heaviness of those words. You had been rather preoccupied as a mom to really follow up on your instinct so when you heard that, you felt a chill down your spine. For a moment, you couldn't help but wonder what or why you felt like that. As quick as that doubt came, you brushed the thought away as you grabbed your bag, rushed your children out the door, and loaded them into your car.
Being a parent was truly a wonder because for a moment, while focusing on your children, you felt like your body was mending itself. The headache was gone, your joints were not achy, and the bloated feeling in your stomach was relieved. Maybe it was stress, a psychosomatic symptom because you had a feeling that something was wrong with Wooyoung and because nothing did, your body directed the feeling towards your health. It's possible, the body is mysterious and things that make almost 0 sense can happen in a blink of an eye.
But once you found yourself all alone after taking Woohyun to his class, you slumped against the side of your car, clutching your head as the pain suddenly returned all at once. It was then and there that you realized that something was going on with you and you needed to get it checked out immediately.
On the way to the hospital, your mind was at war. It was plagued with scary scenarios like cancer one moment before the logical side of your brain reasoned that it could be something as simple as indigestion, acid reflux or even stomach flu. The anxiety didn't die down and you thought that at moments like this, you needed your partner, you needed your husband. Your husband who in the past had gone above and beyond to nurse you back to health even when it was just your allergy acting up. It was ironic that as you smiled and reminisced about the things your husband did for you in the past, your phone let out a long dial tone that let you know that you couldn't reach your husband for the 5th time. The anxiety bubbled up at the pit of your stomach as your fear went on automation, immediately associating Wooyoung not accepting your calls as a bad omen. One by one, your brain started ticking off possibilities such as stomach cancer, bowel obstruction, and kidney problems. Then your daughter's jabs started popping in your head, her jabs about how you drink a lot. It wasn't like you get drunk on wine twice a week like a ritual but it was never like that. You do enjoy the occasional glass but even then, it was slightly less than the amount people usually pour and it never surpassed you feeling tingly. But maybe you had accidentally subconsciously increased your intake and what you were experiencing was liver failure.
Out of all the diagnoses you were fearing, you honestly weren't expecting the doctor to tell you that you were pregnant.
As embarrassing as it was to admit, the moment the doctor revealed the diagnosis, it was like a punch to the gut and you vomited all over the ER floor. On the plus side, you no longer feel bloated.
"I can't be pregnant, there's no way. I haven't been intimate with my husband in a long while," you said after gulping down the water one of the nurses brought for you. "Blood tests are rarely wrong, ma'am," the doctor pulled her stool closer to you and sat down to look at you straight in the eyes, "When was the last time you were intimate with your husband?" It was both easy and hard for you to remember the last time you had sex with Wooyoung. You couldn't even call it making love because it wasn't. He fucked you to shut you up and left you alone like a washed-up carcass. The urge to scream and go crazy was high as it seemed like such a joke to get pregnant from that one time.
You wanted to laugh, scream, cry at how ironic the situation was. How when you tried so hard to grow your family with your husband, you were met with heartbreak. But now that things were verging on collapsing, you were suddenly blessed with a person you didn't even know you'd been waiting for. But your brain hadn't caught up to that point, still in disbelief and maybe even shock.
The doctor's voice was merely a murmur at that point. You couldn't focus, you couldn't really comprehend what she was saying because you were so deep in your thoughts, your bitter thoughts of the situation. You were worried because after what happened to your last pregnancy, it took you a long while to be okay again. There was even a period of time when Wooyoung was the only functioning parent, taking care of the role of both mom and dad while you recuperate. Of course, you weren't expecting to lose this pregnancy too. Who would do that? But the fear existed, the fear remained a part of you and as much as you want to shed it, it was so hard.
Nevertheless, you couldn't help but let your mind wander and suddenly flicker into hope. Hope that this baby will bring your husband back, bring him back to the way he was before the loss you both experienced. Hoping that his distance was because he was also waiting for this same little stranger.
"Hey, (y/n)!"
You turned around and saw Yunho jogging towards you, huffing.
When did you get out of the ER? You felt a buzz in your hand from your phone and frowned when you saw the message. When did you make an OB appointment?
Whatever the answer was, you immediately tried to shove your worries away and put on a smile, trying to appear normal or somewhat okay in front of your husband's friend.
Before you could greet him back, however, he cut you off, "I came as soon as I heard," he panted. "What?" you chuckled awkwardly, not understanding what he meant but slightly worried because you had thought someone saw you in the ER and heard what you and the doctor were talking about and informed other people. "How's Wooyoung? Was it really a heart attack? I heard he hit his head or something. Which room is he in?" It felt like you were the one who hit their head because you had no idea what Yunho was saying. You waved your hands in front of Yunho's face to stop his rants, "Whoah, Yunho, what are you talking about?" Now it was Yunho's turn to be confused. "I-I was informed by the academy's front desk that Wooyoung got hurt. They said they called Wooyoung in because he missed his special trainee class and they got information that he was hurt and that he was admitted here so I thought that he was with you."
In a flash, you turned and dashed to the information desk, Yunho hot on your tail. the both of you stayed close as you go up to the room Wooyoung was admitted in, worry evident in the way you both looked but it was definitely more prominent on you.
Once on the floor, you ran out first to the nurse's station before Yunho could even register that the elevator door had opened. Your hands accidentally slammed loudly on the hard surface of the counter, making Yunho and the nurses in the station to jump slightly in shock, "Hi, I-I'm looking for Jung Wooyoung, he was just admitted not too long ago," you were on the verge of crying because you were so worried and you felt and that you didn't even know your husband got hurt. The nurse checked her computer for a second before looking back at you, "He is on this floor but I'm afraid I can't let you visit him just yet. His wife is in there with him and considering the situation, we were instructed to let him get his rest first. Visitors are permitted once Mr Jung's doctor clears him and you will be notified by his wife." Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion and so did Yunho at the revelation, "That... That can't be right, I'm his wife," you said, surprising the nurse. She produced a guest sign-in form on a clipboard and muttered to herself, "I- well, there was this lady who came in with him and she told the doctor that they were in their bedroom when Mr Jung had the accident. She mentioned- I- I think she mentioned that she was his partner, s-so I just assumed she was his wife because of the ring on his finger," she meekly showed you the signature on the clipboard but it looked unfamiliar.
"Yeon Harin? That's our backup dancer," Yunho scoffed from behind you, "What's she doing here with Wooyoung?"
Dread washed over you like the water from a river in winter. The look on your face was enough to let not only the nurse who talked to you but the other nurses around know what was going on. Guilt gnawed at them when they saw your face paled and eyes glazed over as if they were the ones who committed such betrayal towards you. However, it took Yunho a moment to realize. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes lingered on the name as his brain replayed the information he received. Dots connecting one by one, Yunho felt like he was being punched in the gut. "Oh fuck," he cussed under his breath, realizing what just happened. Realizing what his revelation of the identity did, "(y/n), a-"
Before he could ask if you were alright, you had pushed yourself away from the station, eye unfocused as if searching for a way to escape. "I... T-thank you... C-can, uh... Can I come back later with my hus- Wooyoung's things? W-what time is the cutoff time for visitors?" You did not notice it but your voice trembled, breaking slightly even as you tried communicating with the nurses in a voice so small, that they had to not breathe to hear you clearly. It was obvious that you were trying to hold yourself together, but it was also probably because you were processing the information. The head nurse pushed past from the back of the station and addressed you directly with a gentle, motherly smile, it was a shame you didn't see it. "Cut-off time is in 2 hours which will be at 12 pm and it will reopen at 6-8 pm. But for family members, there isn't really a cut-off time, I'll make sure Mr Jung's visitor is out of his room soon," at least someone had the decency to do what's right.
You didn't even remember if you told the nurses thank you because when your senses returned, you found yourself already walking back towards the elevator. "(y/n)? Hey, are you okay?" Yunho called out, making his presence and proximity obvious to you. You wanted to tell him that you were fine, but how could you? Your assumption was just confirmed in such a public place in a situation the same hour you found out you were pregnant in the same place you found out that your husband was hurt and you weren't there for him. Although his side piece was there and considering that he was with her when he was supposed to be at a very important class due to the account and his own ownership of account management, he must've prioritized her presence more. Yunho didn't press you for a reply though, he just wanted to make sure you were okay, he wanted to make sure he could give you what you needed which was tricky since he had no idea what to do. He too, was still processing the information and trying to make sense of things. Was his assumption even correct? Was his friend really that much of a monster? So when you hopped in the elevator, Yunho didn't know if he was supposed to let you go by yourself or jump in and drive you home. Were you even going home? Why were you even there if you didn't even know that Wooyoung was admitted?
When you finally spared Yunho a glance, the door was starting to close and with a smile that haunted him for weeks, you spoke, "Don't tell Wooyoung about this, okay?" and the door closed, leaving Yunho worried and conflicted because all he wanted to do was go into Wooyoung's room and demand an explanation but with what you said, he couldn't. Could he?
When you heard the door closed, your body slumped to the wall and you felt your legs turn to jelly. Your intuition was right, he was being unfaithful and his timing, as always, was just perfect because the day you found out the truth just had to be the same day you found out that you were pregnant with the baby he fucked into you so coldly. A wave of nausea bubbled up in your stomach and your chest burned. The moment the door of the elevator opened, you ran out and your legs took you to the parking lot where you vomited out the bile that was probably the physical form of your feeling. Though the pressure was relieved, you could still feel the sting and burn in your throat, the bitterness in your tongue, and the dread washing over you.
Hunched over the bushes, you found it hard to straighten up and walk. At that moment, you want everything to stop because it was too much, it was too much for you to bear to bear alone.
Mere realization was not enough because you were in denial, you wanted to believe that it was just a dream, that you were hallucinating, that your husband was not the asshole but you were for wanting him to be a monster so much that your brain had somehow warped reality and created this scenario for you to hold onto.
Honestly, you didn't know what to process first.
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I wanna know who your favorite vinsmoke sibling is so bad actually please tell me 👀✨
My friend and my brother laughed at me when I told them my favorite Vinsmoke is Niji, and I genuinely was embarrassed that day because I didn't really know much about him at the time (I think I had only watched a few eps of WCI) and it's pretty clear in the show that he's, uh, the worst of the Vinsmokes. And by "the worst" I mean: The one who's portrayed as the worst because he's the most active one when it comes to abuse and supremacism within the family line. Unlike Ichiji (who's more serious) and Yonji (who's more playful, somehow) Niji is the one who has to actually fight for a role in his family and that's why I think he's so fucking annoying all the damn time. I hate him. I love him. I want to hug him. But also I wouldn't mind punching him very, very hard. I have mixed feelings, but yeah, Niji is my favorite Vinsmoke. And you haven't asked why, but I feel the need to do some sort of mini argument about this because I am a very resentful person and I want to show my friend and my brother that Niji is actually a very interesting character!! And my fiancé thinks I just like him because he's hot, and she's right but only like a 20%. Maybe 40%.
I will try to put my thoughts into words, but it's pretty difficult because I have a lot of things to say about this blue evil gremlin.
I like Niji the most because I think he is, between the three brothers, the one who shows feelings and ambitions outside their emotionless selves the most. I know they technically are the same, but I don't think so (btw, please assume I'm not including Reiju in this text because she's canonically different from them and I'm just referring to the brothers).
As I mentioned before, I think Niji is the one brother who is the most annoying and evil because he feels the need to stand out. Ichiji is serious, and calculative and has a secure place in the family. He is the number one, even if Reiju is the oldest (I would like to talk more about how Reiju, being a woman, even if she's the oldest, she's the number 0. Because she is the oldest but she's a woman, so she obviously doesn't and would not be able to wear the number 1 like a man would. She is the oldest and yet, she has less significance in the family line than Ichiji. But, yeah, this is something that has nothing to do with Niji, sorry). Ichiji, like all of his siblings, wants recognition from his father, but he doesn't have to try as hard as the others to be impressive because he is, after all, the oldest. The typical "older sibling in an abusive household who has to deal with all the bullshit to protect their siblings"? That's something Reiju took over. That's Reiju's responsibility as the oldest and the woman. Ichiji literally doesn't have to do anything besides leading the team and being the evil, emotionless machine his father created. That does not mean that I don't think he could be able to develop more feelings, because I think he could and I love the concept of him being the first one to protest against Judge's behavior, but you get me. When you're the oldest brother with an even older sister, your responsibilities are pretty limited. So he doesn't have to be anything but there and himself.
Yonji, on the other hand... He is the youngest. Even younger than Sanji. He doesn't have to try, because Niji and Sanji should be the ones to do so. Little siblings are not expected to do much besides existing because irl parents are usually tired of raising children and they end up either getting neglected or seen as decoration. As a little sibling myself I can confirm that these things affect really badly to your brain growing up, but I got a more Sanji treatment so I can't speak for Yonji here. The thing I can say, though, is that in comparison to Niji, Yonji is just there. He's silly and goofy. He's funny. He's dumb. He has the excuse of being the little one to act that way. Getting lost eating or doing whatever. Even the fact that his powers are more physically focused instead of power/intelligence centered shows that he can just punch away his issues. He's the gym bro of the siblings. Don't expect much from him. <- Thing that's often said about little siblings, btw, and affects real fucking badly in early teenage years. The fact that he's portrayed like that is so on point tbh but after all, they don't have high expectations for him, so little to no effort is everything he does.
Then there's Niji, of course. My favorite. Love him. Hate him. Whatever. Niji is the middle child. And God, do I have to say things about middle siblings.
The thing about Niji is that he actually has to try and make a name for himself in the family because otherwise he'll probably get forgotten. I often wonder if he had that fear of becoming the next Sanji once he "died" (he's the only one genuinely asking if Sanji died on them before Yonji and Ichiji say they don't care) because his role is not as noticeable as the others. Reiju is the woman, Ichiji is the successor, Sanji is the weakling getting bullied (being technically one of the little siblings but still being in a limbo of middle/youngest because the little one is Yonji), and Yonji is the little one. Then... What's Niji?
Niji needs Sanji way more than he's willing to admit, and I love that. I absolutely love how he's written because he constantly shows that he needs Sanji, through both words and actions. He needs him because without Sanji's existence -without Niji being his bully- Niji is nothing but number 2. And there's nothing more frustrating than being the number two when it comes to family hierarchy. Not going to mention every little thing he does, but as I said, I love how well-written he is. He's the sibling Oda uses the most to show the abuse Sanji went through, but that's only because Niji is the only one who needs to do that. Niji is the one to talk to Sanji first, all the damn time. He gets angry when Sanji doesn't respond. He gets angry because Sanji can't be bullied anymore. He gets angry out of fear, in my opinion, because if the weakling can't get abused anymore, then he's not worth anything. If Sanji isn't the third, the second one is left alone. 2 can't fight 1 because 1 has the protection of starting the line. And 2 can't fight 4 because there's a missing link that keeps 2 from 4. So Niji is mad at Sanji because Sanji isn't the same weak crybaby he used to be, and he can't use him anymore to be secure and safe.
That's fucking horrifying when it comes to family hierarchy.
I like Niji because, despite being an asshole, he has reasons to be like that. First of all, because his father literally made him this way. But also, the little feelings he has (selfish emotions, yes, evil. But they're feelings, anyway. Urges. He's supposed to be emotionless and yet he knows how Sanji feels enough to use that to his advantage) are used as a way to feel superior and safe because he feels inferior. I think he's the one showing more emotions out of the three, even if those emotions aren't healthy or good and it's just him being angry all the time. That means that if he has urges and needs like that, even if he doesn't fear his own death, he could end up developing more and more empathy. His type of empathy comes from a place of fear. He feels what Sanji feels. And it's not that he doesn't care (I mean, I am aware that he technically doesn't, but let me dream) but it's just convenient for him not to care and keep bullying him to secure his place in the family.
Also pointing out that I like Niji because, being the one who says he hates Sanji the most, he's the one to protect him with his own body when that scene of the siblings helping Sanji escape happens. The others only clear the way, Niji stays with him. There's a really cool post about this on Niji's tag somewhere!!! I personally think he does this because, as that post said: Niji keeps seeing Sanji as weak, instead of believing in him enough to just clear the way. He protects him because he thinks he can't protect himself. Because he's weak.
And yes, it might sound offensive and emotionless and it doesn't make Niji a better person. But it makes him an older brother. Believing in Sanji would be great, but thinking that he's weak and needs protection after years of projecting on him only shows that the weak one is Niji. That he wants and is willing to protect his brother, too. If he didn't care about his well-being he would've just cleared the way for him, not caring about what could've happened to Sanji. But he goes all the way to help him out and protect him longer than the others did. Idk. I find that a very beautiful way of ending their relationship.
All of this being said, I have to be honest with you: When I said I liked Niji for the first time I only did it because people around me kept saying he was the worst one and it bothered me because I found his design pretty fucking cool. And tbh when he started being an actual character? I loved him even more. Because during WCI he's a fucking asshole but the way he acts towards Sanji is wanting to get a response from him, and I just find that so curious and complex... Like, if he just wanted to be evil he'd be more the Doflamingo type. But Niji looks for a response in Sanji's eyes. He wants to feel powerful because he knows he isn't.
And also, well, he's very cute and I like his hair a lot and he makes me furious sometimes which is great because if a character doesn't make you want to punch him at one point, is he really a good character? Look at him! He deserves to get slapped in the face. But also, I would love to kiss him afterward. What's that Olivia Rodrigo lyric? Ah, yes: "I wanna break his heart, then be the one to stitch it up. Wanna kiss his face with an uppercut." That's how I feel about him.
I really hope it's obvious, with all of this, that "Succession" is one of my favorite TV Shows, because I could go on and on and on (and nobody would listen but idc) about how the Vinsmokes are just the Roy family. Both One Piece and Succession deal with family in which hierarchy is crucial in a very specific and accurate way. It makes me sick. I love it.
Anyway, have some pics of my blue idiot:
I want to hit him in the head with a baseball bat.
#i am indeed so not normal about niji#the fact that i don't talk more about him is just out of fear of cancellation#because i know he's an asshole but have you considered that his father is an even bigger asshole for making him this way#he has blue hair and pronouns#also i am so not normal about the other siblings i could rant for hours about reiju bc she reminds me so much of my brother#i can go into heavy detail as a sanji kinnie about all of them ngl#my least favorite is yonji but i don't have anything against him i just don't like gym bros but he's a cutie pie#if you're curious my top is niji > reiju > ichiji > yonji#the reason i like reiju is bc she reminds me of my brother and the reason why she's not the first one is bc she reminds me of my brother#one piece#vinsmoke niji#vinsmoke ichiji#vinsmoke yonji#vinsmoke reiju#vinsmoke siblings#germa 66#black leg sanji
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Am I tripping, or was it implied that the original Kaori was infertile? Grandpa said Jin didn’t get to have a child with Kaori while she was alive, and while yes, it’s probably because they never got the time since she died, it kinda makes me think they were trying for a baby for a while but it just never happened. It would also raise even more bells if this woman who presumably died suddenly could conceive with no problem at all. Idk it’s just the way that Jin seems so desperate for a child, makes me think he and his original wife had been failing to get pregnant. I guess he didn’t KNOW know about Kenjaku, but he knew something was wrong and maybe purposefully ignored it if it meant he could get the family he wanted. Maybe he had some kind of knowledge, who knows, but I don’t think he was aware of the full picture.
It’s sad to imagine Jin ignoring things, playing happy family only to then be killed by Kenjaku. I also think it’s very interesting how long Kenjaku and Jin spent together as a couple: Trying for the child (I’ll never get over that lmao), pregnancy, then an unspecified amount of time while Yuji was of breastfeeding age. That’s over a year, at least.
Well, to be specific, Wasuke said Jin wished for a child and that wish didn't come true with Kaori. It could be that they just couldn't get it to stick before she died, she was infertile or maybe Kaori didn't even want a child (which would reflect really badly on Jin if he just went ahead and had a kid with the person possessing her body instead...let's just hope that's not it). I think the infertility option is still quite likely. Kenjaku probably had to "mod" Kaori's uterus anyway to prepare it for creating Sukuna's vessel.
With the way Wasuke reacted, Kenjaku's failing acting skills and Jin's vagueness when referring to Kaorijaku, I think he suspected something was wrong, but ignored it to keep his dream alive. It's very unlikely that he knew the full picture and even if he understood that Kenjaku is a completely different person, he was probably not aware of who exactly they are and what their plan for their child is. A lot of that depends on how familiar Kaori was with jujutsu I would say. If she had full control of her technique, Jin would likely have a better understanding of the world she and Kenjaku come from and suspect that something is up when she comes back to life, personality completely changed and suddenly ready/able to have a kid.
And yes, I also estimate Kenjaku's time spend with him covered at least 1 year. It could be that they weren't with him the entire time though, since they seem to be quite the nomad and until around month 6 you can still move around pretty freely while pregnant. They clearly know their way around a uterus, so they can just do all the usual check-ups themselves and I doubt Yuuji was a normal pregnancy anyway. Tengen's next Star Plasma Vessel merger was coming up and they found the Prison Realm only 10 years later, so I'm sure they were still quite busy. The most time they spend together was probably during the later stages of the pregnancy and shortly after Yuuji was born.
Part of me wants to believe, that they took it a bit slower like not going abroad or staying away for shorter times (too much stress is bad for the baby and you can't compromise the vessel's health uwu) and ended up quite liking that change of pace. We know that they spend less than half of 2018 in Japan and the year before they were travelling around marking new sorcerers, matching cursed objects with future vessels and preparing the Culling Game barriers. Up till ~20th century they travelled between sweet-talking sorcerers to make them agree to binding vows and searched for the Prison Realm abroad. At some point they apparently also studied the brains of non-Japanese non-sorcerers. Compared to all that, even just half a year of washing dishes, fucking your husband and annoying your father-in-law seems like a nice holiday. Not that it changed anything about Jin's end. You just gotta make the most of the time you got.
#Jin sitting at home to wait for his workaholic wife to come home...man I feel bad for him#I'm campaigning to give Kenny more beach holidays. with husband and child(ren)#asks#itadori jin#kenjaku
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Fairy
Media Pinnochio 2009
Character lampwick
Couple Lampwick x Reader
Rating Smutty / flirty
Concept Ingreeditants for a love potion
I sat on the fountain, my heart straining my very soul as I watched her, Millie Maryland. She was beautiful, the most perfect girl I'd ever seen but I'd never gotten enough courage to speak to her and even if I did, her father owns half the town and I sleep under a boat she'd never even look at me.
I'd do anything to get her attention and hopefully to make her fall desperately in love with me but I can't afford grand gestures or impressive flowers. What am I gonna do! She went off with her father so I headed to the library the one place in town with a roof and heat that wouldn't kick me out simply because I had no money I grabbed my favourite book to pass the time and sat beside the large fireplace reading the detailed analysis of monsters and magical creatures reaching sections in the book I didn't usually reach.
sandigal fairies are typically small and solitary creatures living alone in the caves beside sandy beaches they are known to come out at night and dance like fireflies with waves kissing the sand. They are very hard to find but very powerful as there dust has been known to heal many emotional aliments and it is said that some brave and True hearted souls can receive potions from these fairies that when mixed with other items can create powerful tonics and potions most notably mixing sandigal fairy potion with tulip blossoms can brew attraction tonic and love potion.
Love potion! That's what I need, and I live on the beach! I need to find a fairy!
I went searching in every cave along the beach so much so I'm not sure how far is travelled but I couldn't even see town anymore I sat in the sand about ready to give up on this stupid endeavour all together, when I saw a sweet sight what looked like a large firefly dancing along the edge of the oceans waves heading off towards a cave I quickly got up and followed it until I reached the mouth of the cave and I heard the sweet singing within so I quickly went inside and saw a very very beautiful fairy now as tall as me in a little blue dress with sweet purple wings she jumped as she saw me
"Huu! Who are you!"
"It's okay I mean you no harm little fairy," I told her "I uhhh I heard that you could give me a potion to help in love"
"Oh, I see." She says "your looking for potion ingredients"
"Yes exactly, the book said only brave true hearted souls can receive it. Is there any chance I could?"
"Well, it's less about being brave more about just physically being able to get it" she shrugs
"I uhh I don't follow"
"Did your little book tell you how we make the potion?"
"No"
"We make it, inside us"
"I- I have to hurt you?"
"No, no. We make it inside us and then realise it when we get happy enough"
"Happy enough?"
"And the person has to make us that happy hence why many find it so difficult"
"I have to make you happy?"
"Yes"
"That's difficult?"
"It can be, pace, style, general incompetence. Most boys are usually not great at it"
".... Wait, are you telling me, the potion is basically fairy squirt?"
"Pretty much" she shrugs
"Ohh … I guess that makes sense for love potions? Your okay with me?'
"Absolutely"
"Uuhhhhhh I don't know how I feel about this"
"How badly do you want your potion?"
"Pretty damn bad. Alright let's do it, I uhh I should probably know your name first right"
"Y/n" she smiled "and you are?'
"Lampwick, so uhhh how do you want to do this?"
#tbs smut#thomasbrodiesangster#tbs imagine#tbs imagines#thomas sangster imagine#thomas brodie sangster imagine#thomas brodie sangster#tbs#thomas sangster#thomas brodie sangster smut#lampwick fanfic#lampwick smut#lampwick imagine
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tell me about danger trope :)
Danger Trope is a psychological horror series inspired by Undertale, Deltarune, and Danganronpa. It's main focus is on the characters but has Deltarune inspired game play elements.
The first game focuses on the fellas, who I like to call "The Danger Gang". Miya is created by my friend Xenoeorks. 90% of the characters are made by me. Others by my friends are only mentioned in passing such as Miya's girlfriend, Yukari.
Each character has something that troubles them. Weather it's obvious or not, they'll be forced to face their own fears, past, and even futures as the world around them begins to bend and warp until unrecognizable. (Don't mind Sho, he comes in later)
Even though the series would in theory have 4 games, I'm perfectly content with only making the first. Since itself would probably be long and broken up into parts.
Each part serves it purpose as various chapters would focus one or two characters and their problems. Some need help to face what troubles them. Others must face alone..
The first chapter takes place in a school where the group is holding a study session. This usually only consists of Miya, Donnie, and Tellio but Tellio invited Kira who brought Jesse along with him.
Things are fine until Donnie finds a body in a school bathroom. Its only then the group realizes they've lost connection to the outside world and can no longer leave. All exits become unopenable, doors lead to places they shouldn't, and strange hostile creatures begin to infest the halls. Like swarms of flies surrounding a rotting corpse..
Here's some creatures to torment the fellas
The Fellas
First off, Miya Kishimoto! Miya is designated as the main character. Why? Because I said so. And also she's the character you'd play the most as. She's been given the 'technologist' tittle by Lemon Tree High's (not based off any real schools) star student program that's primarily focused on talent rather than behavior.
You can control Miya but she doesn't seem to realize this and her anger can be exploited. She's able to run, jump, and climb but her vision is limited. She'll generally be in the front of the party during battle, even if playing as someone else. Her stats are generally average but her resilience is strong, making her stress not rise as fast and damage not hurt as much.
The thing is- Miya hate you. And everyone else. And she's so close to losing it. This is something she'll have to work on throughout the series. Having her as the MC can't possibly go wrong. Surely no one will piss her off so badly it impacts her existence forever-
Oh
Ok. I've held off long enough. I GOTTA talk about Kira.
Kira Isho, best worst boy, the kind of person you probably wouldn't want to meet. Miya hates him with a burning passion and is ready to destroy him at all costs to get rid of his influence. Kira, despite his history and being literally cursed is fine with this and thus the two because rivals.
Better slap the roof of this bad boy because he can fit and cause so many problems. Wich is why I tend to call him the antagonist of the game. His very presence causes problems whether he wants to or not and he's completely convinced himself he cannot be redeemed due to his past and current crimes. This is part of the many things he must face during the games.
Despite this, he's still helping the group escape their current situation with his strange talent. Kira is referred to as a 'creative influence' by the school's star program. This title was previously held by only one other person who's been missing for years.
Kira's game play is far different from other characters. He cannot run, jump, climb, go into small spaces, or go near water. Leaving traversing certain areas difficult alone. But his talent allows for alternate routes to be explored.
He cannot be directly controlled due to his luck stat. He's aware of your presence after you attempt to posses him and will not always take your advice. He doesn't know what you are or where you came from but not all of our information is wrong so at least we're some use to him.
Battle wise, he's a glass cannon. Having a measly 5HP wich cannot be increased and can only be replenished via items. But his attack is very high and his stress level doesn't go up as fast.
Due to Kira being so frail a cold could kill him, he tends to rely on his younger sister Jesse. She likes space, energy drinks, and punching holes into walls!
Jesse, despite now having the same last name, isn't actually related to Kira. She's extremely reluctant to talk about her family. Though, the reason why is fuzzy to her. The cause is what she must face during the game. Though, she'll still have a long ways to go once the adventure is over. Healing takes time.
Jesse is alot stronger than Kira in a more normal sense. They can pick up and carry Kira if need be and is hesitant to leave his side. Jesse has the most HP of any character but the least amount of attack. She can be controlled but gets concerned by thoughts that go against her morals. She will tend to carry out these actions. Even if it means seriously regretting it later.
Jesse isn't part of the star student program but they are the co-president of the space club. She loves space and hopes to help build satellites for space exploration but some of her current habits make her difficult to work with.
Next we have Donnie! Despite being a year younger than most of the group, Donnie is really smart. They were given the 'polyglot' tittle by the star student program due to their proficiency in multiple languages. They even tutor Miya and Tellio.
Donnie, despite their talent, feels that they're not only easily replaceable but a burden on others. They have a hard time talking to people and usually relies on their older sibling Tellio for most people related things. Donnie often worries that no one would notice if they were replaced or even disappeared.. This is what they must face during the game.
Donnie, like Kira, cannot be directly controlled due to their luck stat. Donnie can be pressured into making desicions they don't want to but that'd be mean. You don't want to bully Donnie, do you? :(
Battle wise, Donnie is pretty weak but can use the 'pitty' action wich makes them harder to hit. With the luck stat in play as well, Donnie is even less likely to take damage. Donnie, however, gets stressed alot faster than everyone else.
Tellio, Donnie's older sibling is like if a dog became a person. Then that person developed a serious habit of trying to please people no matter the cost. Tellio is generally cheerful, outgoing, and very helpful but tends to put others before himself.
This has become less of a habit and more of a serious health risk to Tellio as he'll overwork himself just to help people. Even if it means getting nothing in return. This is what Tellio will have to work on during his journey.
Battle wise, Tellio is pretty bulky defense wise. He dose get stressed a bit faster than normal but you can hit enemies with a chair. :)
Sho, not shown in the fellas image, would technically appear in chapter twos second half. As the chapter is split into two due to two different events going on in different places. I'll hold off on talking about him for now.
There's probably so much more information but I'm not good at compiling it together lol. I've already spent several hours on this.
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"Humans have very limited ranges of motion," Sunny complained.
The Titan lifted her head and found Sunny 'matting into view in her cockpit between matches. "Yeah? I mean. We're attached to ourselves," Freija responded. "I'm sorry I can't detach my hands? I mean, I can't and still use them?"
Sunny flickered at her Guardian. "Well, I was trying to come up with a way for you to dance with me, and copying didn't work at all, so I was trying to translate my things into your things, and then I was just going to change your things into mine, but both of those feels impossible because you only have four major limbs and none of them can rotate or move three hundred sixty degrees."
Freija blinked at her Ghost. "I mean, we're attached to ourselves," she repeated. "Tendons and shit, you've seen 'em."
"Yes," sighed Sunny.
"It's okay, we're used to this one," Freija cheered, and she took herself out of the queue and punching in new coordinates in the Dreaming City.
"What-- where are we going?"
"Eh, nowhere, exactly? Private space outside, lots of those shrines and platforms and mountains and shit--free to practice unabashed for both of us. Guardians don't go often, and I know lots more hiding places than everyone else."
Sunny hung silent and Freija grinned at her. "I don't have very good armor for this," she admitted, "and I don't want to take it off while I'm there. So this will just be us trying to make stuff for better practice later."
"You've got to stop making excuses," Sunny teased.
"Yeah yeah yeah."
~
"Okay."
The white stone stuck out in the midst of the surrounding wildlife, almost as badly as the shining, fiery Titan standing on it.
"Lucky for you," Sunny declared, "I needed to find new ways to rotate my new shells."
Freija cocked her head to a side. "How did you do that, anyway?"
Sunny wheeled at her Guardian but didn't speak. Instead, she rotated to put her back directly into the sunlight and line her eye up with the shadow beneath. She wheeled her petals, then stretched them all out, wheeling front and back 180° in opposite directions. "These are much more fan-shaped, so I'll be able to do flowers better, but my stars..." The Ghost drifted off as she stretched her petals in four sets, front and back sets twisting in pairs. The different edges lined up to make points, so she stretched all eight up and turned them all to layer like scales in a circle, creating rounded points. "It'll pass," she murmured, turning to her Guardian, who stood with her mouth pursed shut and her shining eyes wide.
"You're not clumsy," Sunny told her before she got started. "You just don't realize how often you make difficult things look natural and easy."
"Practice," Freija grumbled. "Yeah yeah yeah. So, show me something simple that doesn't mean turning a limb into a picture? Or maybe go ahead and let me see if I can copy it. I can make shapes with my hands?"
Sunny wheeled thoughtfully. "I like the idea of you dancing with me, and I don't know if your hands count."
"Puppets count as far as I'm concerned, dancing is dancing."
Sunny giggled. "I can pull your strings? Hamstrings?"
The pair laughed and Sunny considered the steps she knew, and how many of them didn't involve full circles. (Not many.)
"Okay. You can't laugh at any names. But there's one that's Short Wave where I..."
She sent her petals out in arcs, moving each ninety degrees back and forth, back and front together.
Freija nodded, then moved her left hand ninety degrees from the elbow, then from her shoulder, then mixed the two where she lifted her elbows then folded her arm to touch her shoulder and stretched it out. "Any of those look good? Any kind of energy I'm trying to put forth? Or whatever? You know, artists are so fucking weird?"
Sunny giggled at her Guardian. "Most of the things we're going to translate easily are going to be fast paced and high energy, because the short motions usually are. I can double their count to slow them down, but they'll still be high energy."
"Ssssso, dance moves as invented by my Sunny Bunny Sunbeam," Freija teased. "So how about, instead of my translating one by one, you show me a short routine and we take that apart? Or did you need to make one up?"
"Actually-- yes, but you can definitely come up with your own footwork while I do that. There's--"
"Nine points on three layers, basically a cube, though you stayed pretty well in the middle," Freija interjected. "I noticed that one."
Sunny bonked Freija's chest, but the Titan just laughed. "Anyway, I can duck for the low points, but the high ones can only be jumping. I can hold for a bit, but you'll have to lower sooner or bounce for me."
Sunny wheeled and swung in the air, considering possibilities.
"But yeah, if I start mid-back left, I can follow with single steps and tap or wiggle something on off beats."
Sunny swayed again. "Shoulder wiggle would be good for this one," she suggested. "I use similar points of reference for my shell, with myself as the center of sixty-four points."
Freija gave a huge revelatory nod as her mouth opened wide. "Ohhh! So." She put a hand at her head, then stretched right above it, then extended her arm straight up.
"We're getting there," Sunny laughed.
~~~~
I keep trying to write this but I don't know how to dance and I can't make any up for actual human-shaped people. The bit keeps making me think of the Simon Says emote, though, and I love the idea, so I keep trying.
@annieruok94
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1, 2 and 3 for the choose violence ask game?
1. character everyone gets wrong
I think I've spoken enough about Enjolras and Cosette's characters so I shall go with MARIUS! Bet you didn't expect that....but yes, I think fandom opinions on Marius tend to swing wildly between "revolutionary hero and besties with Enjolras" (usually the musical-only fans) and "absolute useless piece of trash who ruined Cosette's relationship with Valjean". I think, in a story full of characters as Symbols, Marius is our only truly human character, which means he has flaws that makes him extremely unlikeable at times, which might contradict his moments of bravery and kindness. Not to mention the one thing that he gets flamed for the most (ostrascising Valjean) was partially Valjean's own fault too! It's just that Marius' upbringing has made it very difficult for him to put his past behind him and accept radical new worldviews easily. Marius is a very interesting character and I think brushing him off as just one of the above two sentiments downplays his true conflict throughout the story.
2. compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom
Going to go with Cosette for this one. Her most popular ships are with Marius and Éponine and she definitely tops BOTH of them. We can see that canonically, she loves to tease those that she loves (Ten years later, with the love of Marius in her heart, she would have answered: “A pedant, and insufferable to the sight! You are right!”), as well as being very strong-willed (“Father, why do you eat horrible bread like that?” / “Because, my daughter.” / “Well, if you eat it, I will eat it too.”). She's going to dominate any relationship she's in, platonic or romantic otherwise, because no one is going to be able to go against her lol
3. worst take you've ever seen on tumblr
This is not fandom-specific and idek if this originated from tumblr but I will NEVER forgive whoever created the "the curtains are just blue" post. I know it stems from the annoyance of badly-taught English classes but it snowballed into such a big anti-intellectualism movement and I just can't stand it. Literary analysis is never about wanting to figure out the One Meaning the author wants to say. If that's the case, we would only ever need one academic paper per book and that's it. The field of Literature and Philosophy and the like would not need to exist. But what we actually want to find out is why so many people get different interpretations from the same texts. What devices were used - purposefully or otherwise - in the story to get people to those conclusions? That is the essence of literary analysis. To think that people are just "over-analysing" something is pure ignorance will never not infuriate me.
#ty for the ask 🥺#got a little carried away at the end#but im an english major so i get a pass#les mis#marius pontmercy#cosette#cosette fauchelevent#syrup asks#syrup ramble
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the recent failsafe arc in the batman comics has so much potential for brutim. (SPOILERS!) so failsafe's an android that bruce created, meant to take him down if he crossed the line, to be able to do that, bruce modeled failsafe after batman without all the compassion. skip to the end of the arc: their last resort is to program compassion into failsafe, but failsafe "kills" bruce. turns out failsafe's compassion manifests as fucking the grief out of tim like bruce did when tim's parents died.
😍😍😍😍😍😍 i LOVE LOVE LVOE LOVEEEEEEEEE scenarios where the only solution is to fuck tim. the idea of bruce's most pure and essential form of showing compassion was in something that happened years ago between him and tim is sooooo good. i love the idea that bruce fucked tim only once, the day of his father's funeral.
jack's funeral was small, very small. as in he and tim were the only attendees. bruce had taken charge of announcing as such, telling other capes and heroes who wanted to give their condolences and pay their respects that the ceremony was going to be small and that he'd appreciate it if they respected tim's wishes while he was in his grief. some of them had listened to the mass email he sent but others....the atom had been so regretful standing at the door to wayne manor. bruce had seen how deep the guilt had been carved into his eyes as he shifted from food to foot. ray and tim hadn't known each other well, the two of them operated in different circles which is what made ray's appearance at the door that much more...painful. ray blamed himself, everyone could see it. but no one, not even capes, can predict when someone will just...snap.
jean had always been a very intense woman and bruce had seen how badly the divorce had taken its toll on both ray and jean. it'd been...ugly to say the least.
ray had stuttered, his eyes cast down to the ground and highlighting the dark bags under his eyes. he'd stumbled with his words lacking all the assertiveness of his usual tone. bruce had watched ray shrink down to microscopic size in the palm of his hand but never had he looked smaller than in that moment.
tim was an orphan. he'd lost his father, the last of his family. his step mother was in the psyche ward of a hospital because she'd had a complete disconnect with reality and crashed the family car...while time had been inside.
tim was staying with bruce for a few days leading up to the funeral, bruce had been trying to figure out a way to broach the topic of tim staying with him while dana healed and...there was a possibility she wouldn't recover and if she did she may not be able to care for tim so....maybe the arrangement would be better made permanent.
ray had offered apologies, made a hesitant request to see tim before backtracking and biting down on his lip looking all the world like he was wondering what he was even doing there.
in the end ray just raspily asked if bruce could tell tim that he was so so so...sorry. for everything.
jack's death is not easy on tim.
bruce had needed to pull tim's trembling body away from the scene. he'd wrapped him in his cape and planted him on a nearby rooft before returning to collect all evidence that tim or robin had been present. he returned to tim's catatonic form that hadn't moved an inch just as the police siren were rounding the corner.
tim is incapable of making any decisions. he and dana were on their way to an appointment at the funeral home before the crash happened landing dana in the psyche ward and tim in the emergency room nursing a fractured wrist from blocking the airbag
tim can't make the decisions like what flowers to put on his father's grave. the casket. what clothing and accesories he'd be dressed in where he was going to be buried. what kind of service would be held, should a priest say a few meaningful words or would it be a quiet, open casket viewing affair. had jack drake even been religious enough to warrent it? someone needed to pay for security to prevent blood thirsty bottom of the barrel reporters from getting in. what was tim going to wear that day. how would they get there.
funerals were a lot of work and as bruce made calls and slowly made arrangements he couldn't imagine asking someone about the cost of a hearse to transport the body while feeling the gutted pulsing pain of loss in his chest. alfred had been the one to do the arrangements for his parents funeral. and the only reason bruce knows who to call when tim's father dies is because they'd been the same services he'd used when jason had...
bruce stares at tim's vacant eyes during breakfast and feels it tug at something in his chest. the sight of a small, hunched over figure looking like they were going to throw up in their neat, black suit.
it reminds bruce too fiercely of the day of his parent's funeral. how he'd been pinching his wrist the entire day to keep from letting the tears overflow. he hadn't eaten anything for days following his parents death.
tim was the same. leaving untouched food left outside his door.
bruce's mind does not stop making connections the whole day, seeing some overlap of himself in tim as he quietly listens to a priest recite soft words about jack drake as bruce braces a steadying hand on tim's trembling shoulder.
it was just them.
a small service is what bruce had said it would be and that's what it was.
alfred was staying with dick for a few days both of them understanding that tim was in a...delicate state.
bruce had promised them both he'd call them if he needed them.
as the service drags on bruce grips tim tighter, steadying him more as he feels him begin to crumple more and more.
bruce feels a decades-old echo of tim's pain ring in his chest.
the final bit of dirt settles over jack's grave and it's over. done with.
timothy jackson drake is now an orphan.
bruce isn't sure what compels him to hug tim tightly when they return to the manor. he tries to let tim feel every bit of compassion he can into the action. but he's not dick who can fix broken insides with a hug. he's also a man who isn't good with words. every time he speaks he makes things worse.
he can feel tim shaking, he can hear his restrained sobs, he can feel as tim's little hands scramble for purchase on his back, desperate to hold onto him- to hug him back.
bruce isn't sure anything could've healed the grief that had filled him the da of his parent's funeral. but he does his best.
somehow his best is him pinning tim down on the carpeted floor in front of the warm fireplace and swallowing his sobs as he saws his cock gently in and out of him. tim's cheeks are red, his eyes streaming tears as he hiccups and stares at bruce unblinkingly with every tilt of his hips.
tim's sobs are interspersed with soft, almost confused moans and breathy sounds.
bruce is being careful, gentle, only pressing in half his cock to get tim used to the size. he's not wearing a condom, letting tim feel the full extent of his warmth. if bruce were in the better and more rational state of mind he would be the next day he'd have realized how wrong he was to do that. but the bruce of the moment only feels gentle care in letting nothing be between him and tim. no barriers, no lies.
just pure devotion, comfort, and the promise that tim was okay and safe with bruce.
bruce has his elbows resting on either side of tim's head, his hands cupping tim's face and stroking back strand of his hair as he gently fucks his little hole open.
tim's legs are slack and on either side of bruce, spread wide and open and allowing bruce to fuck in a little deeper and punch out a gut-deep sigh out of tim.
neither of them cum for several minutes. bruce isn't going fast or hard enough to evoke on orgasm out of either of them. in the beginning, pressing his cock into tim was just a way for them to get...closer.
kissing tim hadn't been sincere enough. letting his tongue press into the warm, saliva sweetened mouth hadn't tim to fully understand that bruce was there for him.
bruce had stripped off their clothes for them, undoing his ties and the buttons of tim's dress shirt before peeling off the black slacks covering his slim legs. skin to skin had let tim shiver at the warm contact between them but he'd still been whimpering and letting out soft sobs, avoiding bruce's eyes.
it was only when bruce pressed him to the floor and met his eyes that tim had finally let the dam break and cried. heaving sobs that scraped his lungs so badly he'd started coughing. bruce had murmured soft words and comfort to tim, whispering and telling him it was okay to cry. to cry and cry until that horrible pain inside him was no longer killing him. to not do what bruce had done and hold it inside until the pain drowned him.
let it out tim. let it all out.
bruce had started fucking tim at some point. both their bodies had been bare and pressed together, rolling on the floor together until the head of bruce's cock popped into tim's little opening.
tim was small. a lot smaller than bruce. small enough that bruce knew he had to be careful as he fed more of his cock into tim's baby pussy.
it was a slow process. fucking tim took several minutes until he was wet and open enough to let bruce snap his hips forward.
he and tim didn't orgasm initially. neither of them feeling some intense arousal or desire until bruce started going faster and harder.
only when bruce is fucking tim hard enough to bruise with his balls slapping wetly against him does tim start letting out soft whines that aren't from grief.
the orgasm comes quick after that.
the two of them are breathless and frozen. just lying still and hearing each other's heartbeats slow down again.
then it's like a dam breaks.
tim's tears are just tried salty tracks on his cheeks as he flips them around and begins fiercely grinding against bruce until he's hard again. it's almost animalistic the way tim is so desperate for it. his movements are clumsy and inexperienced. he doesn't even fully ride bruce or bounce on his cock- he instead remains fully seated, the lips of his cunt split open and kissing bruce's bare pelvis, and grinds down, whipping his hips back and forth and clenching on bruce until both their mouthes fall open with short 'ah ah ah's'.
they don't stop for the rest of the day and well into the night.
in the morning they both collect their clothes and shower. then they do it again.
in tim's room. in bruce's room. on the stairs. in each of their bathrooms.
they never talk about it. neither of them ever brings it up or alludes to it.
they just bury it as something that happened between them in that weird weightless day after tim's dad's funeral.
they bury it six feet under like they did tim's father.
until failsafe.
because just because bruce never talked to tim or anyone about it doesn't mean it dind't roll around in his head some nights while he lay awake or when he programmed an android with his very essence.
when they program compassion into failsafe to save bruce's life they think it will do so by abiding to tim's own ironclad moral compass of the belief that everything deserved a chance to live and survive.
instead failsafe turns it's attention to tim.
and bruce watches as his most sincere and selfless act of compassion is once again directed at tim. who is near tears and dripping with distress and desperation to save his father. his batman.
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How badly do they want to reach their end goal?
How sensitive are they to their own flaws?
What memory do they revisit the most often?
Who do they regret meeting the most?
And for you-
What inspired you to create them?
What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?
How badly do they want to reach their end goal?
This would be easier to answer if either of them actually had end goals! Mundy is content with where he is in life. He has his work, and for him that's all he needs. That's his purpose. He's fine with it. Jesse is happy where she is too, even if she misses matches, but her only "real" goal was being able to provide for her mum and she's reached that, so much like Mundy she's just drifting through life now and taking things as they come.
How sensitive are they to their own flaws?
Mundy is fully aware of his flaws and they haunt him. Jesse knows some of her flaws but is unaware of others. Generally neither of them are very sensitive to their flaws for now. Mundy becomes much more sensitive to his own as the story progresses (but I can't speak on that because spoilers!)
What memory do they revisit the most often?
I can't speak on either of these. Jesse's is hinted at in the upcoming chapter and the full scope is revealed later. Mundy's is revealed later in a Big Event. :]
Who do they regret meeting the most?
Mundy loves his life as an assassin. He enjoys his work. But it's also caused him tremendous heartbreak. It's cost him his reputation and most of all it's cost him his family. A part of him does regret meeting the first man who ever hired him. Similarly, Jesse loves her job as a merc but a part of her does regret ever meeting Craig Donovan. Killing him put him on the path she's on and she's content with that now, but Craig Donovan was the source of a lot of past (and some ongoing) heartbreak for her.
What inspired you to create them?
For Jesse, it was just a general "This piece of media is fun, I wonder what I could do with it." Jesse was originally a bloke, and she went through a lot of changes to get to where she is now as a character. I also don't have a lot of feminine or female characters on account of just not vibing with femininity much, so I figured it'd be a fun way to explore that while not necessarily getting femininity wrong. So she's a tomboy.
Mundy was made the way he is because I'm actually a bushie and a sniper and I vibe with him because of that. Also because we're just so similar. I've been over it before (bushie, sniper, outcast from Australian society, never fitting in because of things I can't change, people meeting me and not thinking I'm Australian, parents don't approve of my work, reclusive, live in a van, constantly having to prove my identity as an Aussie, grew up with a sense of something being wrong with me, etc etc).
I've mentioned it once or twice before I reckon, but I'm not comfortable with therapy. There's things I can't even tell a therapist, and I don't trust them in general. But Mundy is so similar to myself while also still being a separate character that I can comfortably write him and explore parts of myself and my own issues. And make a story of it. A compelling one, even.
Writing is my therapy.
What do you feel when you think of your OC?
For Mundy, it's often a certain sorrow because outside of being my characterisation of a canon character, he's also heavily based on myself and my experiences. For this reason it's also a little embarrassing sometimes, since I put so much of myself into him. Feels like I'm laying my own soul bare for whoever reads it. Characterisation-wise, he's a mirror of myself, both the good and the bad. It's bittersweet. Writing him happy makes me happy. Writing him sad makes me sad.
Jesse's also a little bittersweet, especially recently. It's not something I'll elaborate about. Usually though, it's pride. Especially in how far she's come.
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Random Headcanons for: Curie
⚕ Has a hard time adjusting to a biological body. First with getting used to normal functions like breathing, blinking, and walking, but also the emotions. She had multiple confusing breakdowns that Sole had to help her through because she didn't know what was happening to her body or how to deal with it and got overwhelmed.
⚕ Sometimes moves weird. She forgets she doesn't float or have three arms and can't look in multiple directions at once anymore.
⚕ Her first time being injured in battle was horrible. She knew so much about how bodies work and how to fix these things, but she had no idea what pain was, or how badly it and shock would really effect her. She had to be dragged to safety before she was able to get ahold of herself. It wasn't even that bad of a wound either.
⚕ Has trouble sleeping at first. She's not used to doing such a thing, and like a toddler will stay up long past being tired because she doesn't understand that she needs to go to bed. And then falling asleep is an issue too, it's all just so weird to her and she can't stop her brain thinking.
⚕ While she has a vast amount of medical knowledge, she was a researcher first and foremost. She learns more about being a practising combat medic and surgeon from Doc Anderson, Scribe Haylen, and others.
⚕ Every time she runs into a doctor or scientific mind in the wastes she will eagerly begin drilling them for new information. Talking shop is one of her favourite things to do.
⚕ She's super social and interested in talking to just about every person she meets, not just scientists and doctors. She loves to learn from farmers about how they grow their crops or take care of their animals, and the art of trade from merchants and caravaners. She feels there's something of value to learn from everyone. She also just plain likes being able to hang out and talk to people.
⚕ She's only sweet and naieve for a short time while she figures out the world and her new body. She'll always be very kind of course, but she's a fast learner and becomes quite socially adept after a few years in the wastes. She can see through people and becomes quite hard to trick. Just be honest, she'd probably help you anyway.
⚕ If she had to choose a last name she'd go with 'Collins', after the scientist who created her.
⚕ Has a habit of amassing mostly useless little knick-knacks and junk. She's curious about items she comes across, having only been exposed to mostly medical items and the few personal belonings the scientists had. So she often ends up finding something, inspecting it for a moment, then stuffing it in a pocket and forgetting about it until they get home and she re-discovers whatever she's picked up along the way. She's not often actually attached to the items she collects, so if they do have a use she's usually happy to part with them. The experience of finding them and learning about them means more to her than holding onto it.
⚕ After getting a body and experiencing real pain and fear she feels sorry for her opponents and wishes for a way to fight without always having to resort to killing. Because of this she picks up a syringer rifle and starts crafting and experimenting with different darts. She'll still kill if she has to, but she's more likely to heavily sedate an opponent to win a fight.
⚕ She eventually starts to keep mole rats. They were her only friends in the hidden Vault section after the scientists died, and she enjoyed being able to run her tests on them. She still runs tests on them but she is as humane as possible. She names and spoils them.
NSFW
⚕ It takes her a long time to bother with either romantic or sexual relations. There's so much she needs to get used to, and so many interesting things she wants to explore and learn about since she's been cut off from the world for so long. It's just really not at the top of her list.
⚕ When she does eventually try things out she is open to trying quite a bit, for the sake of quenching her curiosity, but settles on just enjoying being vanilla for the most part. Sex simply isn't a big deal to her, she could take it or leave it honestly.
⚕ Does not enjoy medical roleplay. A doctors relationship to their patients should always be professional and focused on their care, even among friends and lovers. Trying to add a sexual element to it distresses her.
⚕ If Sole takes advantage of her naivete and romances her she does eventually figure out what a breach of ethics and trust that is and confronts them about it. How could you do that to someone? She'll have trouble ever trusting Sole with other (vulnerable) people again. Forget about the relationship falling apart the whole friendship is probably ruined, at the very least she'll never see Sole the same way again.
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So, I guess I did a lil heart chakra clearing?
the home's beauty means nothing if it never gets warm inside.
For as long as I can remember family time has made me uneasy. So of course I was apprehensive when I was invited to hang out for a "day", whereas I usually tap-out after a few hours. But, I agreed after only two hours of fiery internal conflict. My conversations with my mom are empty, void of any personal information. Admittedly, it's mostly my doing--a self-protection tactic against her incessant and anxiety-fueled criticisms, jabs, or questions. We can hit strides but I flashback to my childhood almost every time.
She had a well-deserved period of growth in her life and suddenly tried to develop a warm well-intentioned relationship. Which wouldn't have really been problem had she addressed the emotional abuse I faced the two dozen times I'd brought it up. That's all. But it makes me angry when she'd blame me for being distant, not once asking hmm, I wonder what I could've done do make my son not answer the phone? Anyway. So, walking back to the train after a long day and another forced moment of affection I asked her "why do you act like that?" to which she replied that it makes her happy to have me around because I dont come around much. I told her it makes me feel "weird" and she encouraged me to elaborate. So I did.
Staring straight ahead, I told her that I never felt like she really liked me growing up. Of course I got the "nooo, of course I did", so I elaborated further. Told her that she didn't like all of me, just what I showed her. That I knew how to shrink, that she criticized everything I enjoyed so I kept it to myself. That literally everyone had something to say and I would've liked to come home and be affirmed but they instead reinforced it. She's said "sorry" before and it's only helped *this* much but this time felt different. I didn't get the "well I did the best I could" or "well what about what you did". It felt...humble, honest. She said that she tried hard to protect me from these things and create a home I could be comfortable in, but she wasn't able to. She thanked me for telling her because that's something she couldn't do with her mother. She said that back then she wasn't happy. She was trapped in a situation where the person she depended on (see: mother) treated her horribly and it affected how she treated me. We were all stuck in there. It was circumstantial. That felt real.
We finally got onto the train trying to hold back our tears. I kept reiterating that I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings or rag on her, and she kept reiterating that its okay and that I needed to express how I felt. I let her know that it confused me when she tried to bond with me. She told me that her life plan always included both of us, and when I isolate her she feels guilty because she wants to share the good things with me. I told her I didn't come around to protect myself from more hurt, from another comment. That I felt ashamed of myself. That I do my makeup sometimes and I like jewelry, and she rejected that--so it made no sense for me to come around. We keep sitting in the same room looking through the air trying to find the thread that binds us. She asked me if the family is a trigger, I said yes, and she nodded. She said that she better understands self-acceptance and acceptance of another. I usually try to cut our conversations short but how badly I wanted this one to continue. "Thank you for telling me, i don't want you to be hurting and I can't help" "I'm hurting". Before she got on the train home she hugged me, held me and said "I love you, all of you. As you are."
Which, was nice to hear. And easy to say. But we'll have to see.
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Hi! I've been following your blog a bit and I would just love to hear more about Laurie!!! Especially since I've been wanting to make more friends in this community <3 Can you please tell me about her relationships with the boys in the show? Especially Steve, Billy, and eventually Eddie? ~ Emma
Hi!! thank you so much for the ask, I've been wanting to make more friends here too <3
and hell yes let's go!! This was a lot more detailed than I meant for it to be, but I hope that you enjoy it!
Billy:
I can't talk about any of Laurie's relationships without talking about Billy so let's just start there! Billy and Laurie are this weird codependent asshole duo who love and hate each other and can't live without one another. They had a history before their parents got together, and adapted pretty quickly to being step-siblings. While they both tried to keep Max away from Neil, Laurie is all too aware of his abusive nature and is usually the one to patch Billy up. Laurie has also dealt with a lot of shit from Neil but his abuse towards her has always been verbal and not physical.
But then, Neil finds out that Laurie isn't straight. He and Susan were supposed to be away for a weekend but came back early and he caught her making out with another girl. Billy already knew that she wasn't straight and Max probably did too, but Neil flipped his shit. It's the only time he's gotten physical with Laurie, until Billy stepped in to defend her. The fight was intense and destructive and led to Max running away, and the combination of all three was the push for them to move to Hawkins. That's also why, in this gifset, Billy blames Laurie for California and Laurie says that it wasn't only her fault.
But because of Billy defending Laurie, Neil starts accusing Billy of being gay and cracks down way harder on him than ever before, which is why Billy turns into way more of an asshole in Hawkins. The two of them spent the entire drive (30 hours straight together rip) planning how to deal with things in Hawkins, which include immediately becoming popular and immediately cementing themselves as straight. Laurie planned to find the most popular boy in school and Billy planned to sleep his way through all of the popular girls, and both of them planned to be bitchy and untouchable.
But Billy got out of hand. After how badly both he and Laurie were hurt after their last fight with Neil, he’s become a lot more controlling of both of his sisters. He first opposes Laurie’s relationship with Steve because he’s just being a dick, but as season 2 progresses he starts to see Steve as someone who will get Laurie into trouble and seeks to prevent that at any cost. When Laurie starts acting weird and disappearing all the time, and then he finds her with Steve hiding Max and some other kids, he blames all of it on Steve even while Laurie tries to explain things to him. And while Billy is an asshole and has always bullied nerds, his intense anti-Lucas stance is less about his own racism (is he a racist asshole? yes. would he beat the shit out of a 13 year old in other circumstances? less likely in this fic specifically but fuck billy) and more because of a combination of “Neil is a racist asshole and Billy is trying to prove himself” and “if Neil finds out that Max is hanging out with him, it will be a repeat of The California Incident”. That being said, he doesn’t get let off the hook for anything, we just explore more of the why to his actions.
Ultimately, Billy is still an asshole but Laurie is kind of an asshole too and they’re assholes who have each other’s backs and are used to only being able to rely on each other. Season 3 will also go into more depth on their dynamic, with Billy’s possession and Laurie’s history coinciding to create an absolute shitshow of a summer for both of them.
Also, their dynamic alternates between “Billy being exasperated at Laurie being a brat” and “Laurie being exasperated at Billy not wearing shirts”, at all times they both think that they’re the responsible siblings and at all times they’re both wrong
(I also want to clarify that this fic won’t be ignoring or erasing the horrible things that Billy does, but it will be looking at why he behaves certain ways. He is held entirely accountable for his actions and they won’t just be brushed under the rug I actually hate him sm pls don’t expect billy-positivity around here)
Steve:
When Laurie first gets to Hawkins, she hears all about King Steve and immediately decides that he’s the perfect boy for her plan. He’s rich, he’s popular, he’s hot, what more could she want? But then she finds out that he isn’t actually popular anymore, and she becomes so much more curious. She’s heard about his girlfriend, but she can’t imagine that being enough to make him give up his crown, and she’s determined to figure him out. Also, the more Billy antagonizes him, the more interested Laurie gets, because she’s a little brat that way.
She definitely flirts with him a lot and Steve is never quite sure how to react. He’s got a girlfriend, and she’s Billy’s sister, but she’s also clever and snarky and fun, so he gives as good as he gets and they fall into an easy camaraderie that the rest of the school doesn’t entirely know how to handle. Steve certainly isn’t looking to be popular again, but he does regain a lot of his old cred just because the hot new girl is into him. But what other people don’t get is that so much of why Laurie continues to talk to him and befriend him is because he’s also the only person who doesn’t just see her as the hot new girl but actually sees that there’s more to her than that.
But they get a lot closer after the Halloween party! When Laurie sees Steve leaving, she follows him and ends up sitting in his passenger seat while they drive around Hawkins and talk, and they become so much closer in the process. A lot goes on in this scene, but the main points are that Laurie comforts Steve about his breakup and, when they get too close to the woods, Steve comforts Laurie through her panic attack. She opens up to Steve about the major blank spots in his memory and he talks, albeit vaguely, about what happened the year before (not the demogorgon but that Barb disappeared from his pool and all that), and ultimately he invites her to crash at his house that night since she doesn’t want to go home. She’s still with him the next day when they run into Dustin, which is how she gets pulled into the entire Upside Down mess.
I’ll spare you the outline of that entire plot because it’s super detailed and also not the point, but a lot of shit goes on there (especially at the lab) which really cements their bond, and then Billy shows up! Obviously shit is super complicated and messy there, but ultimately Laurie chooses to side with Steve and that’s a very big moment for her.
They get together somewhere between seasons 2 and 3 and are a confirmed couple by the start of summer! They’re endearingly obnoxious, not so couple-y that it’s annoying (except to Max) but very affectionate and spend all of their time together. Because of their respective traumas, they both take communication very seriously and are entirely open with each other, to the point of codependency. I haven’t decided which plot Laurie will be in but I’m leaning towards Billy, and I know that being separated causes a whole lot of stress and panic to both of them. Laurie does also essentially move in with Steve once he learns about Neil and the California incident, which only adds to the codependency. They’re very sweet and love each other very very much, but they’re also very much the affectionate bullying type and enjoy teasing and mocking each other.
Eddie:
Eddie and Laurie are very much like Steve and Eddie in that by all logic they shouldn’t be friends, but they click so well! They both act tough (in different ways) but have hearts of gold and soft spots for looking out for kids. During the manhunt Eddie assumes that Laurie is with Jason and co since she was friends with them, but she’s actually the first of the teenagers to 100% believe him. According to Laurie, she knows what real (human) monsters look like, and Eddie’s eyes are innocent. They aren’t sure how to act around each other for a while but get closer in the later episodes and volume two! They’re similar to Steve and Robin in the unexpected queer besties dynamic but god they’re so ride or die for each other, and Laurie gets into at least one impressive showdown with Jason on the subject!
also eddie doesn’t die because i said so and laurie saves him
The Party Boys:
Laurie is fiercely protective over these boys! Initially she meets them as Max’s friends and is just glad that her little sister is making friends, but between the demodogs, the lab, and Billy, she very quickly grows very protective and the big sister instinct totally kicks in. She becomes closest to Will, once he isn’t possessed, and becomes the first person that he talks to about his sexuality. She also bonds with El during season 3, where she’s babysitting Max and El, but this is about the boys! She also becomes close with Lucas, and continues to always protect and defend him from Billy, and in season 4 we see her showing up to every single one of Lucas’ games and is always cheering the loudest. She helps him adapt to being popular but also makes sure that he knows that if he ever feels uncomfortable or like he’s being pressured into anything, he can just call or walkie her and she will always show up! He’s only done it once, when he got pressured into drinking and then freaks out, but she drops everything immediately to go get him. She’s very worried about Max and she’s struggling with losing Billy, but she refuses to lose these kids that she’s grown to love so much and she works hard to stay in their lives and to make sure that they know they can always count on her.
Thank you so much again for the ask! This was probably a lot more information than you were looking for but once I started I couldn’t shut up! I was initially planning to write about Tommy, Jonathan, and Jason too, but I figured this was already long enough so I ended up cutting them haha
#oc ask#laurie ask#starlightocs#oc: laurie mayfield#laurie & billy#laurie x steve#laurie & eddie#laurie & will#laurie & mike#laurie & lucas#laurie & dustin
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Tyler Hannaford - Waiting in Hope - CRWT Proj
Writing Prompt: Waiting for the doors to open
Quick Description: The following is a story created for my University creative writing project that follows the story of a man and his journal entries as they are split up into 3 different moments in time. It is the same man throughout and follows his thoughts and feelings as he experiences the various things happening in his life.
June 9th, 2025
Hello. My name is Asher. Asher Moon. I am writing this as a documentation of my thoughts and what I have been through for my wife, Lara Moon, in the chance she finds this. Lara, if you are reading this that means you either found me at the library and I gave it to you, or you made it and found me dead. As of writing this, it’s been two days since it began. What everyone is calling “the beginning of the end of the world”. I don’t know what it has been like around the world, but from what I hear it's a similar story all around. Eternal Diamond, the world's biggest corporation, experimented with a new type of nuclear power that went wrong. Causing the world to be covered in this thick toxic gas, that kills anyone who inhales it for too long. Only just a minute of the stuff is enough for the strongest adult to drop dead. The only way we’ve found to survive it so far is by using gas masks with these strong filters which usually was only used within a government capacity. However, though the gas masks are strong, they only last about a week before the filters need replacing. People have already begun fighting each other for any filters that they can get their hands on. Along with food, water, any medicinal products, and any batteries or chargers of any sort. It’s been getting crazy. Barbaric even. I’ve had to fight off someone already. I’ve never done that before and it spooked me. I hope I didn’t hurt him too badly. Couldn’t really tell after I ran away. Anyways, I have just arrived at the town you told me to go to over the phone. I’ve been trying to contact you since then but I think something has happened to the satellites. A terrorist group or something took control of them. They're not letting anyone use them now unless you strike a deal with them first. So I won't be able to contact you through any cellular service or wifi. I’m glad we at least had that last call before the takeover happened. I was really worried for you when this all started to happen and you were still outside of the continent for your business trip. It was nice to know you were ok for now at least. I made it to where you wanted me to wait for you by the way. The library within the small town up in the mountains called “Hope” where we both grew up and met each other. Crazy to think that stage of our lives happened 10 years ago. Feels like this place has barely changed as I walk around. I even found the old home you used to live in. I took a photo of it with a camera I found lying around in the nearby gas station and attached it into to this journal. Maybe it’ll give you a little boost when you get here and can see it in person. For now, I’m camping out in the library as you instructed me to so it can be a safe rendezvous point for us. Can't believe that we used to work here during our later teenage years. It’s practically untouched from then. I’m not sure what else to write honestly. Things have just been crazy lately. Like the world as I knew has been completely changed. I hope things have been going better for you than they have for me. When this all began and after I had first contacted you about what was going on, I then tried to find my family to make sure they were safe. I found them all dead and looted on the side of the street where they lived. Carelessly tossed into a ditch. Turns out there was only a limited number of gas masks to go around. They weren’t lucky enough. If only I got to them sooner. Maybe they’d still be here. Anyway, I’d better get some sleep. I’ve set up a few cushions from chairs to craft a makeshift mattress and I’ve placed it next to the main door of the library. That way, when you come, I’ll be right there. I love you Lara. See you soon.
(photo of Lara's old house that Asher took)
(photo of the library as Asher arrived)
August 7th, 2025
It’s been 2 months since this all began. My life has become a systematically put-together way of living adapted for this new world of today. Every morning, I wake up and immediately turn to see if the door is opened and have so far always been disappointed with the results. I then, if it's nearing the end of the week, go to quickly change out the filter within my gas mask. We were lucky with this town you know. Turns out within the back of the Walmart that’s here, there was a huge amount of filters, gas masks and other hazmat equipment. Even found some old ridiculous training videos I’ll watch for fun sometimes. I don’t know why the people who lived here all abandoned this place before I even got here. I found some maskless bodies lying around. Maybe they just couldn’t find it. Maybe they just didn’t know what was wrong with the air until it was too late. Or maybe someone did it to them on purpose. I don’t know. Not sure if I want to know. I gave them a proper burial after that discovery anyway. Hopefully, they're in a better place than this. Anyways, after making sure my mask filter is alright for now, then I’ll grab some dehydrated fruits for breakfast from that very Walmart. I’m trying to go through those, vitamins, canned foods, and I’ve been stuffing baked goods into ziplocks and freezers to try and keep them safe for consumption for as long as possible. They may not taste good but no use complaining when I got an entire Walmart for myself. Not many people are fortunate like me to have something like that. Then finally, I’ll go on a radio I found to check to see if you have sent out a distress signal. I spend hours. Sitting there. Flipping through the channels. Every time. Nothing. It’s soul-crushing every day to turn off the radio for the night and head to bed. Some nights I won’t even go to bed. Cause what if you send a signal when I’m asleep? Then I wouldn’t be able to hear it. I just hope you're ok. It’s been 2 months since we last called and I’ve waited here for you ever since you told me to wait at this exact place for you. Honestly, your decision for our rendezvous point to be a library was a pretty smart move. I haven’t encountered any raiders yet. Cause who would think to raid a library up in a small town within the mountains? Though it has gotten pretty lonely up here. Haven’t seen a human face since I settled in this place. An alive one at least. Those eyes of the corpses I found here that I wrote about earlier. They reminded me of my family. I keep thinking about them. What they must have gone through in their last moments. Calling out to everyone as they slowly suffocated in the toxic air. Did the surrounding people try to comfort them in their final moments knowing nothing could be done? Or did they continue to walk facing away from them, pretending like their lives meant nothing to them? This question haunts me whenever I dwell on it. Instead, I’ve been listening to that song we danced to on our high school prom night. “Sunsetz” by Cigarettes After Sex. It helps remind me what I’m enduring this all for. You. I hope one day I’ll wake up and see that door open, with you standing in front of me. That’ll make it all worth it. I love you. I hope you know that Lara.
youtube
youtube
June 7th, 2045
Lara. I’m scared. It’s been 20 years. 20 fucking years. What if you’re already dead? Am I enduring this hell for nothing? Waiting for a saviour who doesn’t exist. Constantly being tormented by the memories of when everything was ok. As I am writing this, I’m now in the back of the library. There is a gun. Right next to me. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve come home from the radio setup and stuck it into the roof of my mouth. Different factions of Raiders have begun to find this town and have started to come every couple of days or so in small groups of 2 or 3 at a time. They haven’t found the library and they never will. It’s too hidden and elevated from the rest of the town for them to discover it. Only reason someone would come here is if they already knew this place existed. But that doesn’t mean I don’t encounter them in the lower parts of town. I end up having to kill them all one by one. Using the guns and hunting knives I’ve found around town. I can’t even remember how many I’ve killed by now. Dozens? Hundreds? I do remember one thing though. They’re lifeless eyes once I’m done with them. They matched my family’s eyes that day. What have I done. what have i done. Food supplies have also been running low. I currently have only been surviving through the thousands of cans of dog food within the Walmart. However, I feel as though I am a rabid animal whenever I eat it. Not that there are any anymore. They all went extinct from the toxic air only a couple of months after this all started. I barely even remember what a dog looks like anymore The only thing that is keeping me going is the picture I have of you. Even though it has started to fade, it’s the only thing I have that gives me some semblance of the concept of peace. I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore. Would you want me to continue trusting you? Even after all these years? That you would hold onto your promise of meeting me here? Or. Would you want me to give up. Accept the possibility that you’re dead. And finally, grant myself the swift end I’ve fantasized about all these years. I just wish I could talk to you one last time for that answer. That’s all I want. I spend almost every night staring at that main door. Not even sleeping. Just staring. Hoping. Is there a limit to hope? Have I reached mine? I’ll probably just end up staring at the door again tonight. And continue the cycle of doubt tomorrow. A part of me just won’t let me end this cycle and I don’t know why or how long it will last. All I know is that I love you. Though so much of me might have changed since the beginning of all of this I can say for certain the one thing about me that hasn’t is my love for you. The idea of you is the only thing keeping me going for now.
did i just hear the door open
(The last line is quickly scribbled at the bottom of the page away from the rest of the previous entry. There are no more following entries in the journal after this one.)
(the last line written in Asher's Journal)
(a faded image of Lara)
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I can see you (waiting down the hall for me)
I've been complaining about Sonia Bompastor's wretched youth academy for so long now that part of me feels like it's part of my brand, but whatever. I'm going to keep whining about it until it either stops or finishes me off, whichever comes first. Based on Bompastor's comments in the Sangare interview, it's probably going to be the second one.
Anyway, let's chat more about it, because it's either that or Textor vs the Financial Watchdog (and don't worry, I have plenty of thoughts on that, too).
But let's pour ourselves a cup of tea in the middle of an LA heatwave and have a proper chat.
So in theory I'm actually really sympathetic to Bompastor's youth academy experiment and could almost get behind it. You only know what young players are capable of when they actually play in games. You can shine on the youth level with the U-teams and in practice, you can show a lot of promise/potential. The only way to really find the limits of the potential is you have something to actually compare it to.
And all players have to start somewhere. I'm also sympathetic to that as well. If Lyon hadn't taken a chance on Amandine Henry back in 2007 then she (probably?) wouldn't have become the (un)contested best defensive midfielder in the world. Wendie Renard wasn't a household name until Lyon rolled the dice on her. By a series of (un)fortunate events Selma Bacha found herself playing in the pro team at 16. None of those things would have happened if Lyon hadn't said, okay, let's see what these players can actually do if we put them through their paces.
So again I'm sympathetic to the idea. You don't know what the academy players are truly capable of until they are put into a position where they have to come up with answers.
But there's a difference between the Lyon of 2006/2007 and the Lyon of today. Lyon could afford to roll the dice back in 2006 and 2007 because if we're being realistic, they had nothing to lose back then. Lyon was a club with plenty of ambition because Aulas wanted to create the best team in the world, but they hadn't begun their European reign. They didn't really have much to compare themselves to, so might as well roll the dice and see if you can swing the odds in your favor. If you have to roll the dice again, who cares.
Trouble is, Lyon doesn't really have that margin of error anymore. Lyon can't get away with having a series of bad games or inexperienced players or players who internally panic at big games because there are consequences now which didn't happen before. The UWCL has become more competitive, even the D1 Arkema has in its own way shrunk the margin of error.
In order to stay at the top, you need depth. That's true for any competitive team, not just Lyon. Chelsea is buying up players in an effort to become as stacked as possible, for example, because you need options, you need to be able to rotate with little to no consequences in terms of your performance on the field (whether Emma Hayes is actually capable of the second part remains to be seen, but I'm also not a Chelsea fan so am not going to touch on that).
Point is, if something happens, you need to be able to deal with it. And you need to be able to deal with it in such a manner that it seems as though the glitch isn't a big deal, just part of the norm and you get on with business as usual.
If last season showed us anything, it's that Lyon's depth is superficial at best, and that's actually a really big deal. Now I will concede it was an unprecedented injury crisis. [Arsenal will argue no one has been hit as badly they have, and it's debatable (again, Lyon was without 10/25 players at one point in the season, but whatever. Some care about context, others don't).]
Lyon had to present its options, and it turns out, the options they had on hand weren't much to write home about. And a lot of that has to do with Bompastor's decisions, and again, I think it's really fair game to criticize her choices.
Now, I will concede that - for the most - Vicki Becho did step up towards the end of the season. The trouble is, that happened after her costly mistake against Chelsea. Should she have known better than to give Lauren James the perfect excuse to dive for a penalty? Yes. But there's a difference between knowing it's the wrong choice and doing it anyway.
Am I being too harsh on Becho? Yes and no. Yes in that Becho's mistake in the return leg against Chelsea wasn't the only reason Lyon ended up getting eliminated, even though it was one of the more important factors. No in that it's true she's young, and young players fuck up. It's part of the course. Young players will make costly mistakes because they are still learning, but more accurately, they are learning game management.
One of Lyon's strengths is/was they are/were particularly good at game management. Big players show up in big games, and Lyon has played a lot of them. They just know how to handle pressure and expectations accordingly, because they have been there so many times before. Lyon gets exposed when those experienced players are taken out of contention, and you're left with players who don't know how to handle pressure, who don't know game management.
Academy players don't have game management, they just don't. And it's just a question of experience - if you've been in a situation enough times, you just know how to handle it, when you're new to it, you don't. It doesn't matter how talented you are, how much potential you have, big games come down to experience. How you are going to cope with the expectations, with the pressure, with a big of other factors you might not have been exposed to before (hostile crowd, media expectations, opposing players with questionable professional ethics, etc).
You don't know how you will handle all that until you have been in that situation.
And this is the catch - I'm just really, really lukewarm that Lyon is the one having to find that out. Yes, these academy players are talented, they have potential. But we don't know a lot of things about them yet. and that, for me, is a major red flag.
Yes, Alice Marques was impressive against Sam Kerr and Chelsea in the 2022 ICC. But that was a friendly. What happens if we reset and it's not a meaningless ICC but a semifinal play-off, and it's not Sam Kerr she's dealing with, but Guro Reiten's left foot or Lauren James in the penalty box at the 122nd minute, down 2-1. What decision will she make, and what guarantee will we have that it is the right one?
There's a difference between the captain of the U-19s, even playing in the U-19s, and playing for a semi-final spot. Let's go with a different scenario. Lauren James doesn't dive and Lyon finds themselves playing the semi-final against Barcelona in the Camp Nou. How will she handle 70,000 screaming at her every time she breathes near the ball? Don't know. Am mighty uncomfortable with the idea of having to find out.
There is a huge amount of hype around Liana Joseph and Maeline Mendy. It's justified - these are two really, really talented players with an enormous amount of potential. But we don't know how they will handle the situations Lyon finds itself in. It is 0-0 in the 88th minute in the title-deciding match against PSG, Delphine Cascarino just tore her ACL. Can Mendy find the right cross and can Joseph make the right decision with the entire Parc des Princes screaming at them every time they touch the ball?
Big games come down to intuition, too. You have to have the experience to trust yourself - trust that not only you will make the right decision, but that your teammates will make the right choice, too. You need to keep your head down and just do your job, everything else will fall into place. Will these academy players know how to do that? Realistically one of two scenarios will happen: they will be overwhelmed by the occasion, or they will be so desperate to prove themselves they will make the wrong decision at the wrong time.
Now, as I said, you become a big game player through experience. You play enough games and you know how to handle the situations because you've already lived through them, and the metamorphosis isn't as overwhelming as it was the first time people were asking questions of you.
So how do we get there? I really hope most, if not all, of these academy players are set out on loan along with Malard. Let another team have to deal with these growing pains and Lyon can apply the polish in a couple of years. Let someone else find out how Joseph solves the problem of another team parking the bus and let another team find out what happens when Mendy is just having a bad day and can't get in an accurate cross. Let another team find out how Marques copes with a forward continuously diving in the penalty box.
Let another team teach them the rules of poker. Lyon can teach them how to bluff afterwards.
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i wish i were, part 3
part one
part two
summary: it’s getting harder to pretend that everything is okay.
word count: 4.2k
warnings: step- inc*st, smut, underage sex, suicidal ideation (oops), ANGST, depression, self-harm mention (doesn’t actually happen, just intrusive thoughts), it’s all mentioned very casually so if this is triggering for you please don’t read!! <3 , ambiguous ending
this is the last part y’all! thanks for going on this ride with me. this was my first multi-chap fic and it kinda gave me the confidence to know that i’m capable of writing longer stuff without it being super shitty lol. sorry that it’s taken me so long!!
love you all
- bloo
It's getting harder to pretend that everything is okay.
Peter hates to say it, fuck, the thought physically pains him, but he’s glad the school year��s almost over. He’s glad that it’s almost time for graduation, time for Tony to leave for the special summer program MIT invited him to participate in.
He just wants to stop feeling like this, never wants to feel like this ever again. He always feels heavy, weighed down, like his clothes are soaking wet. It’s a feeling that goes deep into his bones, leaving him cold, aching, and tired.
It’s a good thing there’s not really any work left to do for school, other than exams; Peter spends most of his time in bed, headphones on and staring at the wall, the one that separates his room from Tony’s.
He keeps hearing Pepper’s voice in his head. He thinks you hung the moon, babe. It’s so cute. The words make him burn inside, make him want to dig his fingers in and peel his skin back until the feeling spills out of him. Until his blood spill out, until he doesn’t have to deal with this anymore- Fuck-
That’s how his brain is working, now. The intrusive thoughts have reached new levels. Peter’s always had them, he’s been passively suicidal for most of his adolescence, but it seems that any minor inconvenience has him ready to end it all. But it makes sense, he supposes. He’s already hurting, already weary and withdrawn. It really wouldn’t take much to push him over the edge.
Too bad he doesn’t really want to die. He just wants everything to...stop. So that he doesn’t have to feel like this.
And because the universe is obviously enjoying fucking with him, the first thing he sees walking out of first period is Pepper walking down the hallway, a faded black t-shirt hanging from her shoulders, exposing the bright red of her bra straps.
Peter recognizes the garment immediately.
It’s the Black Sabbath shirt, the one he’d kept under his pillow for over a week. The one he’d spilled multiple loads of cum onto before finally putting it in his laundry and carefully slipping it back into Tony’s room once it had been washed.
And now Pepper’s wearing it. Which means Tony gave it to her.
Peter stops, freezes right there in the doorway of Mrs. Flannigan’s classroom. He blinks, staring blankly in the direction the blonde had gone. His classmates protest behind him, pushing forward until he snaps out of it. Taking a few stumbling steps to the side, he leans back against the wall.
He feels like he can’t breathe. Some kid walking down the hall looks at him funny, and he realizes that there are tears rolling down his cheeks. Hastily wiping them away, he slowly pushes himself off the wall and starts making a hasty exit to the bathroom, head down and eyes trained on the linoleum.
Then-
“Hey, Peter- Wait, Pete what’s wrong, what happened?”
Shuddering, barely able to contain the sob that threatens to rip its way out, Peter ignores Tony, just pushes past him and doesn’t stop moving until he’s locked in the private restroom.
With his back to the door, Peter slides down til his butt’s on the cold ground, arms wrapped around his knees as he tries to muffle his cries as he sits there, shaking.
He just wants it to stop.
***
Something’s up with Peter, and Tony has a sinking feeling that it’s got something to do with him. But he doesn’t know what he possibly could have done.
They’d had such a nice time celebrating his birthday. He even had a new photo in his wallet, a polaroid of him and Peter cheesing goofily into the camera. Looking at it brings a smile to his face.
He really does love his little brother. Though he was young, Tony can remember life before Richard and Peter came into their lives. He remembers being an only child as lonely hours spent trying to entertain himself while his mom was busy working, trying to support him as a single parent. He’d been ecstatic upon meeting Richard and finding out that he had a little boy, too, that he was going to get a brother.
Tony knows that he and Peter haven’t been spending as much time together as they usually do, but he just chalked it up to it being his senior year. He wanted to spend the time with his friends, with his girlfriend, making the best of their last bit of time together before everything changes.
Peter’s words from his birthday ring in his head. I don’t want you to...forget me. Maybe he’s feeling left behind?
He’s only got a little over a week left until graduation, and then a week after that he leaves for MIT. That’s not much time at all.
The teen resolves to make some more time in his schedule to spend with his younger brother. Rhodey and the guys and Pep can deal for a couple days.
***
Peter’s pulled out of the clusterfuck of ruminative thoughts that have kept him awake for the past week by the squeak of his bedroom door being opened. He blinks under the covers, instinctively curling in on himself. He’s been under here for hours, but he still feels so cold.
Tony’s voice comes through the small crack he’s created between the door and the jamb, one eye peeking inside. “Peter? Are you….” He pauses and clears his throat before continuing softly, “Are you okay?”
The lump under the covers that is Peter shifts a little. His voice is dull and monotone when he replies, as apathetic as he can muster. “...Just leave me alone, Tony.” So much for that. Even saying his brother’s name hurts, a lot more than he thought it would, making his voice crack pathetically. Peter pulls his hands up to his chest and tries to quell the sudden surge of emotion that rushes through him, stifling a whimper. Please just go away.
Of course, instead of listening for once in his fucking life, Tony opens the door further so that he can slip inside. It closes behind him with a soft click and he takes a tentative step towards the queen bed that’s pushed up against the walls in the corner of the dark bedroom. "Pete…" Peter can hear him softly pad over to the nightstand and flick on the small lamp sitting there. His breathing in the quiet room is near deafening to Peter. “I…” He hovers there for a minute before sighing and sitting at the foot of the bed. “I wish you’d tell me what’s wrong. So that I can… I just want to help, Pete.”
The silence stretches on uncomfortably between them and even under the covers, Peter can feel the worried gaze burning him alive.
His skin is crawling with how badly he wants to crawl out of the covers and into Tony’s lap, the way he would when they were younger and he was upset. He needs to get Tony out of here. He can’t-
Peter moves so that his head is exposed, but he looks down at the bed rather than the other teen. "No, it’s fine. I mean I-, I’m fine," Peter sniffles, blinking furiously in an attempt to will the tears away. Fuck. His- fuck, his throat is tight, he can't swallow. His mouth falls open, a shuddering breath escaping as the muscles in his throat spasm. "I get it, Tony. I promise I get it, I really do. I do. She's-"
Fuck. He must really be exhausted, he wasn’t supposed to say that, wasn’t supposed to let on the truth of why he’s upset. Peter's eyes flit around like he's on speed, darting from one focal point to another without him truly seeing anything. His voice is hoarse, thin. It's as small as he feels. Miniscule. Insignificant. He’s gonna ruin everything but he can’t make himself stop. "I mean, I can’t- I can't compete with-" The words come to an abrupt halt, his mouth snapping shut.
Tony nudges Peter’s foot with his knee. “What? Peter.” He bumps against Peter again until the younger boy looks up to make eye contact.
That stupid fucking crease forms between his older brother's eyebrows. Peter wants to slap him. Or kiss him. Mostly he wants to scream.
"Peter, what? Compete with who? Are you talking about Pepper? I know we haven’t been spending much time together, but I’m gonna fix that before I leave, I promise. I don’t want you to feel left behind, not at all but I still don’t get- What’s this got to do with -," Tony starts, placatingly. But there’s something in his eyes, in the barely there tremor in his voice- And Peter suddenly realizes that Tony knows, has to know at least a little bit.
He swears his vision flashes red for a second. "It has everything to do with her," Peter all but shrieks, nails digging crescent-shaped welts into his palms. He feels overwhelmed, trapped. Like a hermit crab without its shell- vulnerable, horribly exposed. It comes out without his consent, and so does his fucking stutter. Fuck it all. "And I know- I know- I know I'm fucked up, Tony, I know it, but I love you, the way that you love h-huh-her.”
He takes a shuddering breath, reeling from saying the words out loud for the first time. “I'm sss-suh-sick, and g-gross and you- I know I'm a fff-fuh-freak and nnn-now- now you’re gonna hate me!" Peter sobs, his entire body shaking as he works himself towards an anxiety attack, a panic attack, a heart attack, fucking something. “I can’t even fu-fu-fu-fucking talk-” There’s snot and tears running down his face, he’s upset himself so much he can’t get through a fucking sentence. He knows he’s making a fucking fool of himself. He’s so stupid, why did he ever think that anything could come from this. He just wants it all to stop, he wants Tony to leave so that he can figure out some way to fix this, to make it all go away-
Tony’s staring at him, mouth parted, dark eyes wide and concerned. "Baby, what- I could never hate you, babydoll." It’s like the nickname comes out instinctually, the sound of Peter’s stutter instantly taking him back to the way he would console Peter when they were much younger, pulling him into his arms and rocking him like his own little baby.
He climbs on the bed and burrows into the nest of blankets and pillows that Peter has created, but he stays sitting up. His arms wrap around his baby brother and pull him up into his lap so that he’s close to his chest, in spite of the younger’s attempts to squirm away. “Calm down, Pete.” Tony presses his lips to Peter’s head when his cries only increase, frowning at how hot the skin of his forehead is. “You’ve gotta calm down,” he soothes. “C’mon, it’ll get better once you calm down, baby, you know that.” One of his hands glides up and down Peter’s heaving back.
Gasping, Peter shakes his head. He buries his face in the space where Tony’s pec and arm meet, taking a shuddering breath through his mouth. He’s trying to calm down but it’s not working. “I’m so- I’m so ssss-sss-suh-sorry, Tuh-Tony!” He feels like he’s gonna pass out. Shifting a bit, he pulls his head back in an attempt to get some more air. They almost make eye contact but he hurriedly looks away. He’s ruined everything. Tony hasn’t reacted to his confession yet but Peter knows that it’s gonna be bad, it’s gonna be so bad when he does.
What’s he got left to lose?
Peter can't help himself; he leans in. The tips of their noses brush, and he pauses there for a moment. He can hear Tony's sharp intake of breath through his own heaving as they finally lock eyes. The look in Tony's chocolate depths is- Peter doesn’t really know. Tony's never looked at him like this before, no one has.
“Tony,” he whispers shakily, breath catching in his throat before closing the distance between them. Time stands still for a moment before something breaks, the tension snapping like a rubberband pulled too tight. Their mouths meet and Peter immediately whines at the feeling of Tony’s lips on his, body instinctively arching up against his brother’s, too lost in it to feel embarrassed of how easy he is to get worked up.
It’s...everything he ever dreamed of.
Tony’s hands move to cup his cheeks, and Peter’s own hands find their way into the other’s dark, wavy locks as their mouths move against each other. There’s a swipe of tongue across his bottom lip, timidly asking for entrance. The younger obliges immediately, letting the warm muscle slide into his mouth where it meets his own. It sends shivers down his spine and he keens when his tongue is sucked into the wet of Tony’s mouth. His dick begins to fill rapidly in his sweats, leaving him feeling lightheaded and a bit disoriented.
Peter’s never made out with anyone before, but this-
He thinks he understands what all of the hype is about, now.
They pull apart, both gasping for air. Tony moves his head slightly, taking heaving breaths that blow onto the exposed skin of Peter’s neck, and his entire body seizes. The elder brother pauses, eyes darkening, before he latches his mouth there and sucking, hard- Fuck, Peter swears he’s about to cum in his pants.
“Tony.” The name is all but ripped from his throat, ragged and wanton and filthy sounding. He didn’t know he could feel this good. There’s precum steadily leaking from the slit at the tip of his cock, and though he can’t see it at the moment, he’s sure there’s a wet spot staining the crotch of his pants.
More moist air on the sensitive skin of his neck, now slightly red from being rubbed by the stubble covering Tony’s chin. “Shit, Peter,” comes the eighteen year old’s wrecked gasp and his hips shift, nudging his own erection against Peter’s thigh. “Fuck, fuck.”
Peter feels like he’s losing his mind. “Tony, Tony lemme- Wanna touch you, please-,” he says, unable to put together a full sentence. The cock he’s been dreaming about for almost a year is within his reach and he doesn’t know how they got here, has no idea what’s going to happen after, but he’s so fucking close to getting what he’s wanted for so long but thought he could never have. His hands flutter restlessly near the front of his brother’s basketball shorts and the bulge that’s pressing insistently against the loose material.
“Yeah,” Tony gasps, shifting Peter out of his lap so that he can lie down on the bed on his side and then he pulls Peter down with him, facing each other. “Me too, can I…,” he trails off, the fingers of his right hand running down Peter’s body from his shoulder down to the sharp point of his hip bone.
All Peter can do is nod jerkily, already reaching to tug at the dark red fabric that’s wrapped around the older teen’s waist. He lets out a desperate, frustrated sound when they get caught, but Tony’s hands take over for him, so he pushes his own pants down to his knees instead. His dick hangs down heavily once it's free of its confines, and there’s a quiet thud as Tony’s slaps against the dark hairs smattered across his lower belly.
Looking at his big brother’s cock for the first time in the dim lighting makes Peter’s mouth water. He can make out the slight shadow of a vein running the length of it, and his tip is big, a drop of precum sitting there just waiting for him to lick at it. He’s bigger than Peter, in both length and girth. It’s perfect, something right out of his fantasies.
Tony rocks his hips forward and their erections rub against each other, prompting them to let out synchronous groans. “Holy shit,” Peter whines, his own hips stuttering as they start to rut against each other in earnest. They quickly get into a slightly stumbling rhythm. It feels so good, their cocks both so hot, so hard. He already knows this is going to be over before it really even starts but he couldn’t care less. “Tony, Tony, yes-”
The brunette all but growls. “That’s it, Petey. Fuck, your cock feels so good, I never- Shit,” Tony pants before spitting into his palm and wrapping his hand around both of their shafts. “Fucking hell-” His toes twitch against the inside of Peter’s ankle. “Pete-”
Peter’s movements get jerkier, his hips stuttering at the feeling of Tony’s wet hand, the way their dicks are sliding against one another. He’s so close, so fucking close. “Please,” he whimpers, fingers digging to Tony’s shoulders where he’s holding on in an attempt to ground himself. HIs tongue licks at his brother’s bottom lip. “Wanna cum, Tony, lemme cum-”
“Yeah, fuck, yes Peter, cum, cum for me-” Tony groans, the speed of his stroking increasing. The rhythm is jerky, and it’s so uncoordinated when combined with their frantic undulating, but it feels amazing.
“Tony, Tony, Tony,” Peter chants as his orgasm slams into him like a brick wall. His muscles lock up, and there are probably crescent-shaped welts in the skin of Tony’s shoulders and back. Thick, white ropes of cum shoot from his cock and make a mess in his brother’s hand. A whine escapes him as he grows more sensitive in Tony’s grasp.
The feeling of the warm liquid smearing over his erection is what does the older teen in. He crushes his mouth to Peter’s as he cums, fucking into his fist and rubbing against the other’s softening cock, licking lewdly into the wet of his mouth. “Pete,” he sighs, pulling away after he’s ridden out the wave of his orgasm.
“I love you,” Peter whispers contently, snuggling in and pressing a kiss to a freckle on Tony’s shoulder. This is everything he’s ever wanted, to be held in his big brother’s arms like this: like a lover. Maybe he was worried for nothing, maybe everything will be okay. Sure, they’ll have to hide it from everyone, especially Mom & Dad, but once they’re both in college… They have different last names, no one would ever have to know. They could be happy. Peter just wants to be happy, just wants this feeling to stay.
Tony shifts slightly and takes a deep breath, the puff of air ruffling Peter’s sweat-slick auburn curls. “Pete,” he says again, softly. “I love you too, I do.” He pauses, pulling back slightly and loosening his hold on the younger boy and rolling onto his back so that they’re both looking up at the ceiling. “But I-”
Peter freezes, the afterglow fading instantly. His heartbeat picks up, and there’s a slight ringing in his ears. He grips the sweat damp comforter in his hands, fingers twitching restlessly, stroking back and forth over the fabric in an attempt to soothe himself. No. No, no no, this isn’t- Tony- He can’t-
Another heavy sigh. “We can’t- We can’t do this again, Pete,” Tony says into the quiet of the night, still slightly out of breath from exertion. His voice is soft, gentle. He’s trying not to hurt Peter; Peter thinks that’s bullshit.
There’s a lead weight in his stomach. He feels like he’s drowning. He feels like he’s gonna be sick. He feels dirty. He feels-
He’s so tired of feeling.
Tony hesitates before pulling his shorts up and sliding out of the bed. He reaches out, brushing his fingers over Peter’s hand, jerks back when the younger immediately tenses and recoils from the touch. “I’m sorry,” he whispers before hastily making his way to the door, shutting it gently behind him.
“Just go, Tony,” he croaks before rolling over in the bed, away from the love of his life his brother.
Peter lays there for the rest of the night, unmoving, staring at the ceiling, tears running down the sides of his face, seeing nothing.
If only he could feel nothing, too.
***
“Where...where ya goin, Pete?”
Peter is putting clothes in a small duffel bag. He makes a mental note to remember to grab a new thing of toothpaste when he gets his toiletry bag together. “I’m, uh, gonna go stay with Ned. For a few days.” More like a few weeks, but he doesn’t need to tell Tony that.
It’s only been two days since they-
Peter’s already had enough. He can’t be here, he can’t skirt around the elephant that is his feelings towards Tony, can’t handle the awkwardness in the air as his stupid fucking brother tries to go on as if nothing ever happened. As if it meant nothing to him.
As if Peter meant nothing to him, means nothing to him.
Peter can...he can be okay with that. He has to be. But he can’t be here. He can’t.
“What about mom and da-” Tony cuts himself off, and Peter can tell that’s not what he is really trying to ask. Of course he’s so fucking disgusted, so fearful of someone else knowing, that he can’t even say it. No, what he really means is-
“I didn’t tell them I kissed you, Tony,” Peter hisses, tears burning in his eyes. He yanks the zipper of his bag closed, biting back a scream when it gets stuck for a second. “I’m not stupid. Why would I tell them what we did? I don’t want them to hate me, too. Don’t worry about what I told them, they said I could go.”
Maria and Richard are under the impression that Peter’s just stressed about his grades and going a little stir crazy. When they’d talked last night, Mom had frowned gently at him, mentioning how down he’d looked lately and letting him know that he was loved and cherished. Dad had actually been the one to suggest spending some time with Ned; maybe seeing his best friend would help pull Peter out of his funk.
If only they knew.
Tony gapes at him, an incredulous look on his face. “But what about Tuesday? You’re gonna miss my graduation? For what, to fuck around with Ned? Peter-”
Something in him snaps. He clenches his jaw, swallows harshly. Glares tearily at his brother. “Would you please just stop it?”
The taller boy sets his shoulders and crosses his arms, defiant. “I don’t want you to go.” His eyes are narrowed, searching Peter’s face. For what, the younger has no idea. Nor does he care.
“It doesn’t matter what you want, Tony,” he yells, glad that Mom and Dad are out at the grocery store, getting supplies for Tony’s graduation party. His voice cracks on his brother’s name. Always on his name. “Not anymore. I don’t- I know you don’t- Do you know how much it hurts me? To- to hear you? To know, to have to listen to-”
Tony’s mouth opens, but no words come out. “Hear us? You- you heard us? When?” His eyes are wide. He must realize exactly what Peter’s talking about, when he’s talking about, and he looks uncomfortable, vulnerable in a way that Peter’s never seen him before. Something ugly deep inside the younger teen feels satisfied for a moment before it deflates. He’s left feeling just as drained as before.
Tony continues, “Peter, I-” He cuts himself off, looks away.
Of course he can’t even come up with something to say.
“For fuck’s sake, Tony, you don’t have to explain everything to me!” It comes out as a sob. Peter feels like he’s a volcano; the words are erupting and he can’t do anything but allow it, powerless to stop them. “Nothing you say will make it better! I know you’re straight! I know it’s- that it’s wrong. I know Pepper is-,” he chokes, gasping. Why is this happening? Everything is going so fast. How is he freezing and on fire at the same time?
“She’s gorgeous and I’m just the path-th-thetic little br-brother who th-thinks you hung the moon.” Peter’s spluttering, flapping his hands at his sides as he tries to do something with the energy humming inside him. He wants out, he needs Tony to go so that he can finish packing. He has to get out of here.
Tony takes a step towards him. “No, Peter, how could you-”
Peter’s sniffling, eyes squeezed shut. His hands are clenched into fists at his sides, trembling. Why won’t Tony just leave him alone? He just wants to be alone. “I know I’m ugly and I- I bet you can’t w-w-wait to go to MIT, to go away from me!”
“Babydoll,” is what leaves Tony’s mouth, so soft Peter almost doesn’t hear it. His hands are shaking as they land on his younger brother’s cheeks. Warm tears are gently brushed away by his thumbs. “Pete.”
Brow furrowed, Peter slowly opens his eyes and blinks the tears back in order to look at his brother. Tony looks...scared? What does he have to be scared of?
Peter tries to pull away, out of Tony’s grasp but the older teen just clutches him tighter. “Tony- What? It’s fine, j-just stop! Let me go, I need to finish-”
Tony closes his eyes and crashes their lips together.
don’t hate me
@spidey-sins @silkystark @thegreenmetblue @snailshome @hp-nv-221b @lemondrop313
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Chapter 145.1
First I should apologize for misleading the four people who read my analysis of Chapter 144.2. I told you that Fushi couldn't be the one in Funa's body and I was wrong. I genuinely didn't think that they would care enough to put any effort into their Funa impersonation. I'm sorry.
Sometimes my comprehension skills break down on the side of the road and I forget that regardless of what form they're in, Fushi has yellow eyes that are drawn in a unique way. I was also biased because I want Funa's knocker to be relevant, and that affected my prediction on what would happen next. Since no one this chapter made a comment on Funa's strange eye color, I guess the yellow eyes are just for helping readers differentiate between characters sharing the same body.
Although it seems random, Fushi's plan was actually something they've been thinking of since Chapter 143.1 at least. It was the first time they saw how Mizuha and Funa get treated by this group of girls and it made a big impact on them, although Funa's knocker surprised them before they could intervene. The plan formed fully after their conversation with Satoru, and the death of Funa's knocker set things up so that they could use a form besides the nameless boy's for a little while.
The way Fushi goes over to Mizuha at the beginning of the chapter was framed to be kind of creepy. Imagine the present era from Mizuha's perspective and you will see how disturbing it is when the person you're in love with tries to kill your mom and then presumably kills your new friend so they can stalk you in her form. It's like a fucking horror movie. Fushi's now essentially doing what Funa's knocker was doing: using her body to further their own goals instead of preserving her lifestyle.
No matter how Fushi approached this problem, they probably wouldn't have succeeded, but asking three girls who hate your guts out all at the same time is a spectacular fail. They only know what a date is from when Mizuha introduced the idea to them, so despite her romantic intentions they're hoping it's a friend thing, and now they've created even more misunderstandings.
Fushi's conversation with their teacher felt multilayered, because her advice could apply to the knockers as well as to Funa's life. Fushi has only interacted with the knockers in this era one-on-one, but even when they have an opportunity to ask all the questions they want, they don't get any answers. Maybe a hint that this strategy won't work on either problem. Their teacher also reminds Fushi that there are people worrying about Funa even if they don't say so—which sucks because it's too late for anybody to worry about her, and Fushi does have friends who are worrying about them quite a lot. The only way they'd even know that Fushi's still around is if Bon was updating them.
I'm happy to see Fushi making an effort to do something constructive on their own, but their plan's execution was so bad that they ended up pissing off Mizuha so badly that the left hand had to get involved—which was, ironically, not their intention for once. They believe that the hairband was what helped Tonari and Mizuha become friends, but that doesn't work at first. So start lying to make the hairband "special" and therefore more desirable. In doing so, they've taken the one thing that Mizuha was able to give Hanna to prove that she valued their friendship and turned it into something meaningless. Fushi barely knows these girls' names.
I reread all the chapters in the present era so I could better interpret Saki, Nagisa, and Kasabe's individual characters, because when Fushi talks to them separately you can see how they act when they can't rely on each other. When the group first appeared, Saki and Funa were at the center and closest to each other, always clinging onto each other and the ones who Nagisa and Kasabe were trying to impress. Saki was the one who stomped on Mizuha's foot both times, and she and Funa got into a fight because they both liked the boy who princess carried her. After that, apparently Funa blamed Saki for Rikuya rejecting her and so they ostracized her. Saki was likely the one who instigated this as well. She's the leader, and currently she's embarrassed by Funa because her knocker called attention to her bullying of Mizuha in Chapter 143.1. That's the "blurting out every thought that crosses your mind" that she complained about to Fushi.
Nagisa was originally in the position of appeasing Saki and Funa before they fell out. She was more invested than Kasabe, and after they chased Funa out she stepped in to take the place of Saki's best friend. But Nagisa says that Funa was the one who left, rather than being forced to leave. Either she's they can't get along because she took Funa's spot, or she's expressing resentment that she was forced to choose between Saki and Funa. Or both? It's unclear at this point, but her words felt angrier than Saki's, who's just reflecting her own insecurities onto Funa (and also Mizuha).
Kasabe is usually quiet, and didn't attempt to please Saki or Funa like Nagisa did, so I'd say she's newer to the group? She doesn't react instantly with negativity like Saki, Funa, and Nagisa, like when she started to respond to Fushi's greeting in the previous chapter. She also occasionally takes the time to consider why others behave in the way they do, like when she asks Fushi why Funa switched her opinion on Mizuha in this chapter. Judging by her strong reaction to Fushi saying she doesn't hate Mizuha, I'd say Kasabe actually likes Mizuha quite a bit. She's probably the only one in that group who could genuinely be friends with Mizuha and Fushi, but doing that would mean social suicide. None of these girls can do anything differently, because they each think they might get thrown out by the others.
Tonari and Mizuha's interaction at the end of the chapter is awkward but progress; Mizuha links arms with her, which she usually does with people she likes, and although Tonari looks a little uncomfortable she smiles at Mizuha and responds amiably. When she first appeared this chapter, Tonari looked somewhat lonely walking by herself. She's one of the people who's worried about Fushi right now, especially since she sees it as her job to protect them. I don't know if the left hand was dragging Fushi back to their group or to a different area, but if she overheard that it's Fushi in Funa's body she'll want to know what the hell is going on.
#i want to dedicate this post to the four people who read my last one#fumetsu no anata e#to your eternity#to you the immortal#fnae#fnae manga#fnae spoilers#fnae manga spoilers#fnae anime spoilers#present era#new world arc#chapter 145.1#fushi#immo#tonari#mizuha#funa#fuuna#saki#nagisa#kasabe#my post
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