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ljf613 · 2 years

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On Ships With Age Gaps

I've thought about writing a post like this for a long time, but I always decided against it because I don't feel the need to justify anything I say (or do, or enjoy, or ship, or write) to the good people of tumblr.

However, I do think that there are some people on here who, rather than being actively cruel or hateful towards certain shippers/writers, are just really confused or grossed out and don't understand why we people like these things and don't want to just assume that we're all degenerate freaks, and that maybe they might benefit from learning my story.

(Note that this is just my story. Other people may or may not have their own stories, which may or may not resemble mine-- the point is that these stories exist, and that just because you don't understand doesn't mean there isn't a reason.)

I was in middle school when I first realized that I had a (very normal) problem: I was attracted to guys, but boys my age were obnoxious. (Every heterosexual female reading this is nodding their head in sympathy.) Many of them made rude jokes, and said nasty things, and most of them were just generally immature and irresponsible and not-at-all crush-worthy.

Adult guys, on the other hand, were nice and sweet and smart and mature (*insert laughter here*). They knew how to be responsible, and how to treat girls right and take care of the people who mattered to them. They were ready to get married and settle down in a house with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. (You get the idea. Give me a break, I was, like, eleven or twelve and most of the men in my life really were great guys in happy and stable marriages.)

So, like many other girls my age, I fantasized about attractive twenty-something-year-olds falling madly in love with me. (I can not hammer this home enough: this is perfectly normal behavior.)

But at the same time, I knew that this sort of relationship was obviously something I was not in any way ready for, and, in any case, I didn't actually know very many attractive single guys in this age range. (Because why would I?)

So, instead, like any normal kid, I gravitated toward stories I could live vicariously through. Stories about about girls my own age (or maybe a little older) who fell for guys who loved them back. Guys who were willing to wait for them. Or at the very least guys who treated them like equals, and, once they were old enough, might start seeing them in more of a romantic light.

The very first relationship like this that I remember falling for was Sesshomaru and Rin from Inuyasha.

(Actually, my first real adult/minor ship was probably Lux and Eric from Life Unexpected, but after that dumpster-fire of an ending, I didn't want to think about anything related to that show ever again.) (Although it did introduce me to One Tree Hill, which is still one of my favorite shows of all time, so I guess it did something right.) (And Nathan and Haley probably also fit the bill-- Nathan wasn't an adult, but he was mature and responsible and ready to settle down. TV really should bring back teen marriage plotlines instead of endless cycles of love triangles.)

I discovered anime in seventh grade, and Inuyasha was my second real anime. (In case you're wondering, Fairy Tail was my first.) I quickly fell in love with Rin (who was an example of what would become one of my favorite character archetypes), and her relationship with Sesshomaru fascinated me.

Here you had this demon who hated humans, only to be bewildered when one try to help him, leading him to use a part of his heritage that he'd been rejecting until now in order to save her. And then she just. Follows him. And he lets her? And he just spends the entire series treating her like an equal and letting her do literally whatever she wants?

(To those who read them as father and daughter: uh, if I saw a parent with this sort of laissez-faire approach to child-raising, I would be very concerned. He treats her like a traveling companion and constantly defers to her wishes. She gets kidnapped and he only comes to rescue her when he's sure that's what she wants? Very parental of him.)

And then when he's finally about to reach the goal he's been working towards this entire time, he gives it up the moment Rin gets hurt. ("Nothing was worth losing her?" ICONIQUE, nobody is doing it like him!) And then in the final battle, he fights alongside the same people he was trying to kill when we first met him. All because Rin has taught him that humans have worth, that weakness isn't a sin, that there are more important things than strength and hatred? Are you kidding me?

I've already gone into my love for this ship here, so I'm not going to repeat the whole thing, but I will say that I loved what we saw of them in the finale-- the two of them separated, so that Rin could grow up and decide what she wanted out of their relationship. Because he was willing to wait for whatever choice she decided to make.

This was a game changer for me. It was exactly what I hadn't realized I was looking for. I needed more. What followed was a love for various other wholesome bonds between protective/traumized men and the girls who taught them about love.

Naofumi and Raphtalia of Rising of the Shield Hero (talk about clueless guys-- he seriously managed to convince himself that he only saw her as daughter because he had no other frame of reference and had been so traumatized by the last girl he liked), Kyoko and Katsuya (dude was more than willing to wait for her and only stepped in when she needed him to be there for her? Find me another man this swoon-worthy) and Kureno and Arisa of Fruits Basket (I normally don't buy love-at-first-sight, but for these two cuties I'll suspend my disbelief), Zack and Rachel of Angels of Death (the age gap is the least problematic thing here), Mamoru and Haruka of Until Death Do Us Part (the man literally laughed the idea of their relationship off until he couldn't anymore. And then, again, he let her go and waited until she was ready), Satoru and Airi of Erased (the soulmatism!), Accelerator and Last Order of A Certain Magical Index (alright, fine, I've never been able to decide if I prefer these two to stay purely platonic or eventually fall in love, but whatever they have I adored), and many, many others.

But the thing here is that none of these relationships are the main focus of their respective series. I wasn't going out and actively looking for these ships, but when they showed up in the stories I loved I would certainly enjoy them. (Love stories were cute and all, but magic and adventure were way more interesting to middle-school me.)

It was only when I was in high school and I started getting more into romantic stories that began actively seeking out the sort of thing I was looking for. Seiji and Shiharu of Love So Life are still near and dear to my heart (my guy buys her a ring, tells her he'll never want anyone else, refuses to let her reciprocate, and doesn't go near her for almost six years to make sure that she doesn't choose him until she's really ready. KING), Mao and Hiro of House of the Sun will never stop being adorable (Taamo's drawing style is so stinkin' cute), The Start of Niina is as heartbreakingly lovely as ever (the gift and trauma of reincarnation!), and Faster Than a Kiss is a gem (another great guy who does his best to take care of the girl he loves but won't lay a hand on her until she's ready).

And it wasn't just age gap stories. Because the age gap wasn't the real point-- the point was mature guys who were ready to commit and smart girls who knew a good thing when they saw it. Which is why I also devoured stories about teens getting married (please bring these back, western media) and arranged marriages ("we may not have wanted this but we are going to make it work"). The World is Still Beautiful remains one of my favorite fantasy-romances, Absolute Peace Strategy is hilarious, I really need to reread Prince of Silk and Thorn, Dawn of the Arcana is fantastic, Taisho Maiden Fairytale is super-cute, etc. etc. (This is not an exhaustive list, btw-- feel free to DM me or drop an ask if you're looking for more in any of these genres.)

Once I discovered fandom, fanon, and shipping culture, it was a given that my love for these dynamics would cross over into media where such things weren't canon.

(And, for the nth time, all of this was perfectly normal and understandable behavior for a girl my age.)

These were stories and tropes I adored. But they were stories. Fiction. They were not reality. And even at the very earliest stages of this interest, I understood the difference.

When I was in seventh or eighth grade, there was an incident involving one of my female classmates and a twenty-something-year-old male student-teacher. I was not directly involved (I barely knew the girl) and I wasn't exactly asking for details (I've always prefered to stay out of real-world drama if I can), but middle school girls are loud and I have good ears, so I was pretty sure I got the gist. (Years later, I spoke with one of the other teachers who'd been involved with handling the aftermath, and she confirmed and added some more context.)

To simplify, the teacher in question had somehow gotten a hold of the girl's phone number and had been sending her texts that were not appropriate for a grown man to be sending to a thirteen year old girl. This made her highly uncomfortable, but she was too scared to say anything-- it wasn't as though there was anything explicit or overtly sexual (he told her how pretty she was, and how much he looked forward to seeing her every day, and I do not know or want to know what else)-- and she didn't want to look like she was make a big deal out of nothing. But when her friends found out, they immediately said "this is not okay," and marched her to the nearest female teacher to confess the whole thing. (Good for them!)

Again, I was not directly involved. I did not discuss the subject with any of my classmates, I was obviously not present when the school staff spoke with the guy, and I have no idea what exactly the school policy was for this sort of thing. All I saw from my end was a crying girl being comforted by her friends as they dragged her off, and within the next day or two we were told that this teacher would be ending his postion early (he'd been supposed to leave soon, regardless, as he was only a temp). I never saw him again.

And there was never a question in my mind that this man's behavior was deplorable, that this story should never have happened, and that this girl was a victim of a horrible injustice.

(I have a vivid recollection of being outraged when another teacher-- who happened to be related to him (probably how he'd gotten the job, I don't remember ever our school having had a student-teacher before or after)-- told us he was being forced to leave earlier than planned like we were supposed to be sad about it, and then insisted we make a good-bye card for him (while making snide comments under her breath about how some people needed to learn to keep their mouths shut). (I honestly don't remember whether or not I helped decorate the stupid thing, or what the girl did while this was happening.) I was not old enough or mature enough to fully realize that what this other teacher did was also hideously inappropriate and ought to have been reported as well, but I did know that it was nasty and underhanded and I didn't like it. (This was not the only time when this teacher behaved obnoxiously or passive-aggressively insulted a student for bringing a complaint to the school staff or doing something else she disliked (I was on the receiving end at least once or twice, but that's another story), and she did not return the next year. Good riddance.))

In any case, despite the fact that age gap stories (and even the occasional teacher-student romance) were something I liked seeing in media, I recognized the clear distinction between fiction and reality, and what was right and wrong. I didn't even need to think about it. Even at thirteen, when I didn't fully understand what was and wasn't appropriate behavior for a teacher, this was something I understood perfectly.

And to anyone reading this and saying, "alright, fine, so you liked age gap relationships as a kid because they let you vicariously live out your perfectly ordinary teenage fantasies, but you're not fifteen anymore. Isn't it time you moved on?":

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Y'all still read/watch the same stories you enjoyed as children-- that's why you're in these fandoms to begin with. If you can understand still loving those things as adults, it shouldn't be much of a leap to grasp me liking the same sort of fictional relationship dynamics I did in high school.

(Which isn't to say those are the only kind of ships I like. They never were. But I'll probably always have a soft spot for them.)

TL;DR: I initially got into age gap ships because they let preteen me fantasize about a hot older guy sweeping me off my feet. No, this did not prevent me from recognizing predatory behavior from real adults. No, I'm not letting go of the things I liked as a kid just because they make you uncomfortable.