hello omg i’m buzzed :-) ur all my friends

i am literally here on tumblr guys don’t forget

you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.

you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.

he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.

a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.

he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.

you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.

people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.

wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.

also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.

he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."

you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.

"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."

he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.

you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.

is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?

you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.

"i can see it in his eyes" 🥰

so a few things

my brother and i have our rooms facing each other he recently got a mood light installed and he can change the color his favorite color is purple

which would normally be. FINE but every time i walk to my room its just been this

today i am thinking about ronan lynch always referring to adam as Adam in his thoughts and his monologue but using Parrish when talking to him or about him out loud. something about the illusion of distance, the pretence of detachment he clings onto in public.

creatures

affectionate chin tilts my beloved.. (perhaps in the same universe as my college/long distance au)

he'll worm his way into your life whether you like it or not!

girl help I need to eat him for breakfast

Can we pretty please get a Grian and Xelqua meet-up?? I love how you draw Xelqua and Grian and I just need to see what they would do if they meet......for science of course

wait hold on.. goes crazy .. I don’t have a design for Xelqua, that was just Grian earlier, but…. I think it’d go well

I think Xelqua is his patron, so he’d be excited to meet him !

but I was also playing with the idea that Little Grian here is a reincarnated version of Xelqua, but still looks up to him, prays to him, would want to be picked up and hugged by him, the safety of it. (How can he be reincarnated and still have a form here ? Well the divine can be a bit finicky)

Danny’s parents want to kill him and he’s like “f in the chat y’all dinner boutta be so awkward tonight smh”

Ok so I know everyone loves the angsty headcannons where Danny is terrified of his parents cuz they wanna kill him but we’ve had that hot take since 2005 I’m here for a source material revival, the much more entertaining “Danny’s parents want to kill him and he actively doesn’t give a fuck”

CUZ UH, IM REWATCHING THE FIRST SEASON AND I FORGOT HOW GENUINELY BLASÉ HE IS ABOUT MADDIE AND JACK TRYING TO GET HIS ASS ITS SO FUNNY.

Like mom holding a literal ghost gun to his head: eh kinda unphased he even has time to quip, his parents say they wanna tear em to pieces: meh see u guys at dinner, LIKE OUR GUY IS SO UNPHASED HE THINKS THIS SHIT IS FUNNY! (s1 ep. 14 public enemy)

And he’s unphased despite knowing his parents tech works and knowing that his mother is actually a good shot. So like I love angst Danny and y’all should keep up the good work but where is my s1 Danny ‘COULDN’T give less of a fuck about his parents’ Fenton representation?

Cuz think of this, for your DPXDC AU consideration, Danny would fit in so well with the bat gang if only because they could try to stab, shoot, capture, brainwash, and stalk him and he’d be like “oh cool villain of the week shit? Nice, what’re we having for lunch.” He. Wouldn’t. Flinch.

I AM NOT OKAY DEAR GOD IT'S BEEN HOURS AND I AM STILL WEEPING

his gentle face??? the soft, delicate, kind voice and his eyes visibly softening even more and the real, genuine little smile as he blesses his younger self with his sister's voice in the background.

hoyo why do you hurt us like this it's going to consume my thoughts for DAYS now

"hey, yo... if i make this shot... you gotta go out with me, alright?"

mark smiles at you brighter than any star in the sky as he continues to bounce the basketball. it's just the two of you now--the rest of your friends have gone their separate ways. it feels like nights always end with just you and mark nowadays. not that you're complaining: you adore the guy. you just smile at first, knowing that you'd say yes regardless of this silly deal (and the twinkle in mark's eyes tells you that he knows this, too: he just needs to show off).

"alright," you say, hands tucked into your hoodie pocket. "go for it."

he swells a little with pride before he takes the shot... and immediately misses. his smile falls into genuine, unabashed shock as he turns to you. you're already cackling, turning to run after the ball before it can get too far away.

"yo, i practiced! i literally practiced and got it--the guys can tell you! i'm good at this, i swear--"

you calm down, smiling at him as you hold the ball in your hands. "okay. so if i make this... you gotta go on a date with me."

mark smiles wide, so cutely flustered but he nods. "alright. bet."

you line up the shot, taking a deep breath. after a moment, you throw the ball through the air, watching as it just barely bounces off the rim. it sends mark into endless cackles, and you immediately rush toward him, burying your face in his jacket as you laugh.

"oh my god," he gasps out between cackles, arms wrapping around you. "i wish i got that on camera." he squeezes you tighter. "alrightalrightalright," he says too many times, blending together as he draws back from you just enough to see your face. "c'mon. i'll buy food."

(donghyuck later reports to the group chat that both of you are indeed idiots, having heard the story from mark... but at least you're idiots together now.)

based on this post by @mortalkcmbat