#sad to say that a lot of my understanding of gender came from misinterpreting things that were supposed to be transphobic jokes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

subtlereferencetomyinterests · 4 years

Text

Complexities Unknowable- Chapter 7 (Finale!)

Ao3, 1 2 3 4 5 6. MasterPost

Relationships: Deintruality, background Analogince

Warnings: Cursing, Remus-typical language and jokes, Minor self-deprication/insecurity, the ol’ ‘thinks-it’s-unrequited-and-is-oblivious-to-obvious-flirting’ song and dance, all sympathetic sides, feelings of being left out, also I accidentally projected too hard and now Patton has adhd oops.

Word Count: 4,000 (approximately)

Patton felt better than he could ever remember feeling. Sleep came easy as it hadn’t for him in years. It was amazing how far a little bit of understanding went.

When all your closest friends are together, you get lonely. Patton wouldn’t say that he was jealous, but everything was different now. When he used to spend time with the others, it was four pals spending quality time together! Now when they did, it was a date, except oops! Patton’s here too! How awkward!

He knew that was unfair. They didn’t really think of him that way, of course not. Hence why he didn’t bring it up.

It wasn’t like that with Remus and Deceit. Even though they were dating, Patton never felt left behind. Their humor was dark and snarky but accessible, not laden with inside jokes that he’d missed out on or specific clues that he didn’t pick up.

The inclusiveness they treated him with was probably borne from being excluded for so long, though he didn’t like to think about that. The fact was, the three were friends now, the past was past, and Patton was drinking in their companionship like fine wine (or, to be more accurate to himself, a grape juice box).

It did not take him long to figure out why he was so fond of their company. You can only spend so much time with Deceit prattling about the dangers of repression before you start to unearth all of those deeply buried feelings.

He’d fallen for the Dark Sides. Whoops.

Could you really blame him? Deceit, suave and clever and funny, yet so gentle when he wanted to be; Remus, bold and brash and energetic, but still with such a deep empathy hidden in him! It was no wonder that the two were already together- anyone who spent as much time with them as they spent with each other would be head-over-heels as well! (Patton was speaking from experience on that one).

Initial surprise regarding the feelings had soon faded to something almost comfortable. He was happy to have them as his friends alone, so what was a little crush? No big deal!

...Was what he had thought ten minutes ago, when there wasn’t an affectionate Remus wrapped around him, chattering off various compliments.

“I could hold you forever, Patty. You are just the softest, like a water balloon full of blood and organs! But still so ripped, I mean, damn!”

“Language,” Patton chided meekly, trying very hard to not dissolve into the ether.

“Awww, you can’t make an exception for me? Just this once? I’ll make it worth your while~,” the last part was a hushed sing-song right near Morality’s ear. He felt his face redden, but forced himself away to refocus on… whatever he had been doing.

“Nope, no exceptions,” he chirped, going back to- right! Cleaning!

“You aren’t tempted at all? You are so responsible- and that’s really one of the sexiest qualities there is.”

It was just Remus’ nature to talk to people like that, Patton told himself firmly. The Creative side was just expressing his friendly affection in a way that made sense to him. It came alongside being close to someone so unused to ‘typical’ friendship dynamics, after all. Patton reminded himself of this again and again, denying himself the desperate urge that welled up and told him to respond in kind. He would not purposefully misinterpret Remus’ actions for his own gain, he was better than that!

“Thank you, Rem,” just nice, platonic gratitude for nice, platonic compliments.

Eventually, finally, mercifully, The Duke had seemed to get bored. He disentangled himself from Patton (appearing rather crestfallen, though the moral trait wasn’t sure why), and wandered off.

But that, whether for good or for bad, was hardly the end of that.

Deceit’s room was magnificently cozy. It was armchairs that swallowed up whomever sat in them, warm lamps casting down on all surfaces, and jazzy music playing distantly in the background. In other words, the perfect place for a good cup of tea and some sandwiches, not to mention pleasant conversation.

Deceit lounged back in his oversized chair, sending Patton an inscrutable look across their teacups. The side smiled, hoping that was the appropriate response.

“So,” he drawled, switching the track of their conversation abruptly, “You’re something of a seamster, aren’t you?”

Patton stared blankly for a moment before the term clicked.

“Oh, you mean a seamstress?”

“Sorry, I thought you’d prefer the masculine, but that really was presumptuous of me,” Deceit amended in apology.

“I didn’t know that there was a word for it other than seamstress. Hey, isn’t it kinda weird how some jobs are like that, when you think about it? Like how there’s actors and actresses! Why wouldn’t ‘actor’ be all encompassing, ya know?”

Deceit made a vague noise of disinterest and waved his hand, as though manually cutting off the tangent in conversation.

“Yes, gender is a distasteful societal construct and an overall prison to our consciences, we both agree- but regardless, you sew. Make clothing and things like our quilt. Isn’t that right?”

“Right- yes.”

“Do you make all of your own clothes, then?”

“Hmm, sometimes I do- I mostly make stuff for the others. It’s easier to conjure simple stuff for myself, but making them is a lot of fun!” Morality gestured enthusiastically to the pastel pink sweater that he wore, fluffy and intricately patterned.

Deceit’s eyes glinted in a strange, intimidating, and also incredibly hot way. Patton almost forced the attraction out of his mind, before realizing that that kind of repression would definitely be noticed in this part of the Mindscape.

“I would have to say you have quite the talent, in that case,” the dishonest trait set down his cup and craned his body over the small table between them, heterochromatic gaze alight with… something. Patton cleared his throat.

“W-Why’s that?”

“You look positively hideous in that, my Dear,” he purred in obvious lies, gloved hands now sitting in the middle of the table and creeping forward by the inch.

“Aw, thanks,” Patton croaked, fighting the urge to lean forward in turn.

Something strangely disappointed flashed in Deceit’s eyes, but he quickly recovered. He reached out to run a hand along Patton’s sleeve, the touch lingering against his arm.

“My my, that’s just like a cloud. How did you manage that, Darling?”

Morality shivered as Deceit continued to toy with the fabric of his sweater.

“I-It’s probably because it’s made with love! Since that’s what I am, kinda,” he stammered, desperately trying to keep up the cheery tone.

“I’m inclined to agree. There’s beauty in all you touch, Sunshine.”

Oh, the pet names. Patton really couldn’t take it; he jerked away and pressed his back against the chair, before he had the chance to do something stupid. Honestly, it was sad how hard this was for him- Deceit was just trying to be a good friend! It wasn’t his fault that he showed it with flirts!

“You’re too sweet,” with distance reestablished, Morality found it much easier to formulate words, “I really appreciate you, Dee.”

Deceit blinked, still hovering over the table. He cleared his throat and snapped back into his seat, suddenly looking the part of the cold and distant Dark Side that Patton had feared just months prior. Guarded, callous, stoic. It was almost frightening, how quickly he changed.

“Yes, I know you do. Let’s change topics, shall we?”

Patton, feeling quite a bit of whiplash, nodded hesitantly. Their conversation continued to flow normally, for the most part, but he couldn’t help feeling that he’d messed up somewhere. There was something heavy over them, but Patton hadn’t the slightest idea what it was.

For a brief, dizzying moment, he wondered if they were moving backwards. If he’d somehow crossed a line when he was trying so hard not to, and now they were two steps back again. Just the thought of it made him too sick to finish his tea.

Patton didn’t have to be worried for long about that particular mishap, thankfully, as a very momentous occasion had swallowed up the fear. Remus and Deceit were going to be joining in their first ever movie night as part of the family!

There’d been plenty of TV marathons with just them and Pat already, but now they’d all come together! As part of the group!! Contributing to the voting and the arguing and the joking and the experience of it all!!! Needless to say, Patton was practically bouncing off the walls in his excitement.

He plopped down onto the couch with a bowl of popcorn, passing a much larger container of snacks to the amorphous blob of limbs and sass that had once been his three best friends, cuddled together far across from him. Now, all they needed were the Dark- sorry, former Dark Sides.

He wasn’t waiting for long before Deceit and Remus appeared in the living room (Remus, thank the lord, wearing actual pajamas). Patton couldn’t contain the happy little chirp that escaped him, scrunching himself to one side of the sectional so that they’d have plenty of room to make themselves at home.

Rather than huddling together in the crook of the curved sofa, however, Deceit immediately gestured for Patton to scooch over, and Remus sat on his other side. Morality was happy (if a bit surprised) to comply with this new seating arrangement, flashing them bright smiles. In light of recent events, being so close with both of them was a little dizzying, but it wasn’t too hard to bear. For now.

The conversation on which movie to watch that night was more agreeable than usual, which was nice; they got right to the marathon with little hassle. Patton sighed as the opening credits to Tangled played. At that moment, his life couldn’t get any more wonderful. Surrounded by the people he cared about, finally all together, it was perfect.

And then, a mere ten minutes in, Remus leaned his chin on Patton’s shoulder and pressed into his side.

“Mother Gothel is such a Milf.”

Patton would usually have been put off by the sexual comment, but at that moment Deceit had also seemed to decide that he’d make a good headrest. Which was fine, this was fine. Some mild friendly cuddling- nothing he couldn't handle!

Another twenty minutes later and Remus twisted an arm around his waist. Deceit held Patton’s hand between a couple of his own. By this point, they were beginning to look a lot like the cuddle pile wrapped up together on the other side of the couch. He was still alive, though!

Neither of the sides beside him moved an inch until the film ended, only begrudgingly letting go when Morality had to get up for a snack refill. Even then, they latched back onto him as soon as he returned. Thus began the second movie, and the beginning of Patton's slow and snuggly death.

Every few minutes, it would be something else: Deceit ran a hand or two through his hair, Remus hooked his leg around Patton’s, Deceit nuzzled against his neck, Remus laughed into his shoulder, et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Three movies in and he was barely keeping up with the conversation. His head was spinning and he was sure he’d never been so warm, but more than that he felt protected. Even adored. He wasn't often on the receiving end of affection, and the longing brought with it ached, but he never wanted it to end.

Then Virgil yawned (oh yeah, the other three were still there), exiting from the ending credits of All Dogs Go To Heaven and clicking back to the main screen.

“Bed time,” he grumbled, a tone so intimate and low and clearly meant for his boyfriends that Patton almost felt bad for overhearing it.

“It is getting quite late,” Logan agreed, standing to stretch. Roman followed suit and dragged a sleepy Anxiety up with him.

Virgil tossed the remote in Patton's general direction and let Roman haul him up in his arms (Deceit caught it with an unoccupied arm, given that the moral side’s brain was currently jelly). The three bid their goodnights and were gone with a few shimmers of color and a whoosh.

“I guess we should head up, too,” Patton murmured, working very hard to disguise his reluctance. To his surprise, the traits sandwiching him only sank further into his sides.

“Oh, you’re absolutely right, it’s so very late,” Deceit rumbled, his face partially hidden in the crook of Patton’s neck.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted. I can’t move,” Remus added, his voice ticking up in a noticeably mischievous way.

“I can’t either. We should stay, just like this.”

Patton's heart warmed, looking between their adorably sleepy faces. He couldn’t lie, the offer was tempting, but in such a situation his brain came back to him. Despite the continued proximity of his crushes, this was something he could handle!

“Aww, don’t you worry about it, I’ve got ya,” and, making very sure that his grip was secure, Patton stood up with Deceit and Remus cradled in either arm. He hardly staggered under the weight of the sides, familiar with such heavy lifting.

Remus and Deceit went from sleepiness to pure shock in a matter of milliseconds. Deceit instinctively clung to Patton with all of his limbs, meanwhile Remus gave a startled laugh. Their faces were a matching pink; oh, he could have made them uncomfortable!

“Is this okay? I promise I won't drop you.”

Remus nodded frantically; Deceit squawked in an affirming sort of way.

Relief washed over Patton and, satisfied with the response, he sank out in a circle of cyan. For a moment, he feared that the nausea that The Subconscious usually brought him would unsteady him, but he was left pleasantly surprised when he felt none. In fact, it felt just like rising up anywhere else. Just as easy as breathing. Hm.

He didn’t dwell on it too long, ascending The Subconscious’ staircase and bringing his cargo to the first bedroom he saw (Deceit’s). He nudged the door open with his shoe, carrying them right to the bed and dropping them down gently. Remus fell onto his back with a happy hum; Deceit stayed upright and stared at Patton with wide eyes. He huffed a laugh and nudged The Snake's shoulders, and Deceit let himself fall beside his boyfriend, dazed.

This was routine for Patton: grabbing the covers and blanketing his friends, as he’d done for probably every other side at one point or another (even Logan, though he would deny it furiously). Once Remus and Deceit were sufficiently tucked in, he stood up and dimmed the lights to near darkness.

“Alright, you two have a good night's sleep.”

There was a noise of approval from the pair. Patton gave them one last smile before disappearing back to his own room. To scream into his pillow and think about how gay he was.

Which meant that he didn't get the opportunity to hear the interaction that followed between Dee and Ree.

“Well, that didn’t backfire at all.”

“I want him to snap my spine in half like a glow stick. He could break every bone in my body and I would thank him,” Remus replied dreamily. Deceit hummed in agreement.

“Perhaps we should try a more… direct approach, as this doesn’t seem to be working in our favor.”

“I dunno about you, but I’m feeling pretty fuckin’ favored right now.”

“I was suggesting that we be more-” he very nearly gagged, “Straightforward.”

“More like gay-forward, actually,” Remus corrected, “But I’m with you! You know I love being direct.”

“Now when I say direct, I don’t mean blunt.”

“I don’t understand the difference.”

“I know you don’t. Let me do the talking.”

“Fine by me! Whatever works to get him to pick me up and throw me!”

Deceit rolled his eyes, settling his arms around Remus.

“Yes, yes- but I’m actually wide awake right now, and I’d love it if you keep being loud all night, Dearest.”

“Oh, right,” Remus lowered his voice, curling himself around the lying side in turn. Together, their breathing slowed. As they drifted to sleep, the feeling of Patton's arms around them still ghosted their skin.

Patton was cleaning furiously. He’d already reorganized the entirety of his room- twice, for that matter- and now he’d moved to the Common area. It hadn’t been so much as a week since his last tidying session, and the Mindpalace was pretty much spotless, but that was irrelevant. It was as good a distraction as any.

Maybe he was avoiding the trifecta of trifling traits- aka his best friends- because he knew that they’d ask about why he was being so weird lately. Maybe he was avoiding Deceit and Remus, the reason that he’d been weird lately. Maybe he was just avoiding his thoughts about them, because seeing them all cozied up and sleepy and adorable a couple nights ago really hadn’t helped settle his growing infatuation with them. Most likely, he was avoiding all three.

But he had failed to take into account that The Common Area was not the best place for avoiding stuff. Given that it was. A Public Space.

“Patton,” began the voice of Deceit behind him, in a tone deadly serious.

He spun around to see a very embarrassed Dee and an immensely giddy Remus. Well, Shhhhh-ucks. Shucks.

“Hey!” Patton tossed the sponge in his hand back into the sink and pretended that he wasn’t freaking out at that exact moment.

Deceit hardly registered the greeting, continuing:

“We need to talk to you.”

“What about?”

The Snake opened his mouth, and promptly closed it. His eyes had widened concerningly, and he cast his gaze downwards.

“We-” he cut off again. Patton’s worry was mounting.

“DeeDee?” Remus prompted, elbowing his partner’s side, “I thought you were doing the talking?”

“I-I can do this, I’m not tapping out,” his voice was frenzied, hiding himself behind The Duke in a rare display of fear.

“Guys? Is something wrong?” Patton approached them, all of his nervousness about his feelings forgotten in the face of this distress, “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

Remus gave him a warm smile, not hesitating for a breath.

“We came to tell you you’re hot and we wanna date you! But, you know how bad Dee is with words! Anyway, whaddya say?”

Deceit, for his part, nodded in deep resignation. And Patton’s head reeled.

He could hear, audibly hear his heart thumping against his ribs. It was probably as simple as a confession could get, but regardless he found himself frantically replaying the words over and over and over again. He’d never imagined- not even for a second- even the thought of it-

Mentally, he took a step back. Roman, Logan, and Virgil were an item. Remus and Deceit were an item. And Patton was a third party, paternal and caring and watching out for all of them and their misadventures, though he knew he’d never be entirely part of it. But maybe, now he could be. After everything, they wanted not to just be with him, but to be with him.

It didn’t process.

“I- You- What- Me?”

Because there is good in this world, Remus (correctly) interpreted his flustered stammering as surprise and not distaste. The smile that he almost always wore widened and he took a step forward, dragging the mildly less panicked Deceit along with him.

“You,” he confirmed, shimmying excitedly in place, “Definitely you. And us.”

“I second that not-at-all vague sentiment. We’ve grown unfortunately fond of you,” Deceit uncoiled himself from Remus enough to be seen clearly.

Patton saw it. He saw, in full light and understanding, the subtext in their previous interactions. And now that he did, he had no idea how he’d missed it. A testament to the power of his insecurity, probably. But that didn’t matter, because they liked him back.

Patton failed to words. But, they were very near, and he was very happy, and in the light of new context, he figured that they wouldn’t mind the response he opted for instead.

He hopped forward with a delighted squeal, scooping the traits up in his arms. Remus started cackling and immediately returned the hug with just as much fervor. Deceit wasn’t far behind for once, allowing his face to split with a smile equal parts shock, relief, and glee.

“Oh, I love you two so much!” Patton laughed out, burying his face in Remus’ hair.

“I love you back!” Remus said in kind.

Deceit attempted a dramatic groan, but he failed to tamp down his grin.

“It could be said that I feel something love-adjacent for the both of you. Perhaps.”

Patton’s mind was swimming in joy, so much so that it barely registered when Remus tilted his head back only to lean forward, and oh wow, were they kissing. Patton’s vision was all bright blurs of color, and he melted. The creative trait pushed up against him, rough in much the same way as an overly excited large dog. Patton hardly had time to reciprocate the kiss before Remus broke off completely from the hug, unflustered and unaffected by what he’d done, save for a light blush.

“Now you guys!”

Oh, he was still hugging Deceit.

“Only if it’s okay?” he’d barely gotten the apprehensive words out of his mouth when it was suddenly occupied, and the world went back to hazey vibrance. Deceit was almost skittish, a barely-there press against his lips like he expected Patton to shove him away. He didn’t, by the way. Rather, he slid a hand up to rest between the side’s shoulder blades, bringing him nearer.

After a moment, they pulled back slowly, not letting go of each other.

“That was hot, ngl,” Remus chimed from his perch on the counter.

Patton was overcome with a fit of giggling, energy building in him. He ended his and Deceit’s very drawn-out embrace to satisfy the necessity of full body wiggle. He was in Silly Mode, there was no avoiding this until it had been exorcised via The Joyful Movement™. Patton flapped his hands at his sides and shook his hair out, laughing all the while. Today could not possibly get better!

But he remembered his audience of two. He looked up, hair fluffed up and face flushed with fading excitement and a tinge of self-consciousness.

“Sorry, I got over-excited...”

“That,” Deceit announced solemnly, “Was astoundingly adorable.”

“I’ve died a gruesome death,” Remus rolled off the counter and onto the ground with a crash (and some bone crunches thrown in, probably for fun), “My heart overloaded, it has burst. There’s blood everywhere, it’s in my eyes, I’m now also blind.”

Patton’s relief escaped in another bout of laughter, and something lifted in him. A weight that had been there for so long that he hadn’t even remembered it was there, nor how it felt to be without it. But now that it had left, he didn’t know how he had been living with it for so long. There was airiness in his chest, a clarity in his mind, a general sense of contentment rushing over him. This wasn’t a face he put on for others benefit, it wasn’t a fleeting enjoyment of one thing or another- what it was was a deep, thrumming joy that overcame him.

He was happy.

Naturally, Patton could not finish cleaning due to. Circumstances. Those circumstances being, he was finally letting himself indulge in some quality time with his new boyfriends (an identifier he very much liked the sound of).

The trio were half-laying on the Common room’s couch, a tangle of various limbs. Remus leaned against a pile of pillows, and Patton rested his head on his chest. Draped across the both of them was Deceit, fastening all of his arms around them in a manner simultaneously protective and needy. Oh, and also very, very cute.

“This was totally what I was planning from the beginning,” his voice reverberated through Patton’s chest, “God, I am so great at plotting.”

Remus clicked his tongue agreeably, pressing a kiss to the top of Morality’s head.

“Yeah, I was pretty sure we were gonna end up killing you, Pumpkin. This wasn’t even in the ballpark of outcomes.”

Patton hummed in thought, cuddling himself closer to his partners.

“I dunno. I’d say your plan turned out pretty well.”

@deceits-left-glove

@princemesscharming

@shrimp-crockpot

43 notes · View notes

dyns33 · 5 years

Text

In the dark of the night (3/?)

- Reader has not gender in this story.

For me, it seemed obvious that this little "pajama party" with Richard did not have to happen again, so I do not know how, why, maybe because of his sad smile and his hopeful eyes, but that it was now a week since I stayed next to him every night to watch him sleep. Well, according to him, to protect him. The men in black, the shadows, whatever, did not come back. Richard said it was proof that our system worked, frankly it did not mean anything if I was asked, but if it allowed him to sleep, why not ? Maybe because it did not help him any better, because he kept believing in things that did not exist, getting used to being able to sleep only with someone, whereas he was not sure that it would always be possible later ? I kept repeating myself that every time Richard told me about his friend, Jonah. They had shared the same room, and when Jonah had seen the shadows, because he had seen them and believed in them, he had decided to watch over Richard, even sleeping in his bed. Except that they had been surprised by a nurse, who had misinterpreted the situation and as the doctors considered that Jonah was cured, he had gone home, leaving Richard unprotected.

"Misinterpreted, huh ?" I said to tease him. "A boy in another boy's bed, I do not see how..."

"It was my friend." Richard snapped, looking at me with frustration. "He helped me, he understood me, I thought you too."

And shit, he was hurt. Richard got upset very easily, I realized every time I tried to joke with him in the common room, at the meal, or before he fell asleep. Always grumpy, he did not like being mocked, and sometimes he left the room without saying anything, like this time. Yet I never said anything mean. It did not matter if he was gay, it was not a shame, I was not going to judge him. So I decided not to talk about Jonah any more and, to make myself forgive, I tried with great difficulty to draw something, anything, to prove to him that I understood him, even if I did not draw as well as him. It was frankly not a success.

"What are you doing ?" he asked me as he entered my room, after everyone had gone to bed and the supervisors had finished their rounds.

We did not share the same bed, but we decided that sleeping in the living room was not the most convenient, especially if it happened so often, so I decided that he would sleep in the unoccupied bed of my room because it was there that I had all my things, that would allow me not to be bored during the night.

"It's not obvious ?" I groaned, throwing my "work" once more in the trash. "I'm making you a beautiful drawing to excuse myself."

"Not bad." he said, smoothing out some papers.

"Oh yes, I guess comparing to a five-year-old, it is not that bad."

At least, it had the merit of making him smile again and he thanked me, while I had nothing to offer him in the end. Richard, however, obviously had something on his mind, because he did not fall asleep immediately, staring at me insistently while playing a game on my 3DS.

"What ?" I asked, without looking up from my console.

"Why do you help me if you do not believe in the shadows ?"

Oh, the other thing I was trying to avoid to not make him angry. As soon as he spoke of the men in black, I giggled nervously, telling him that he had no reason to worry anymore and that he had to try to not think about it. It frustrated him a lot, even if he did not insist, just looking at me with big blue eyes judmental, as if the problem came from me.

"You saw them though." he said. "You made them run away, you know they exist. I do not know how, but you felt them come before they attack you and you managed to escape them, so I do not understand why you do not believe me. "

"I saw guys, Richard."

"And how did they leave the room ?"

He always had to ask me this question, which I was desperately trying to answer logically, rationally, saying that they had run to the window, or in a closet, or even maybe they were passed by me but I did not remember because I was tired at the time, it was dark, everything happened very fast and I was shocked, too busy checking if he was alright, to ask me where they had gone.

"Scully syndrome." he mumbled each time.

"I help you, and if you want this to go on, I advise you to stop pissing me off with that."

Richard sighed, saying that he only wanted me to see the situation as it was, to understand the danger that threatened us. Then he fell asleep, leaving me alone with my game, and my doubts. It was not, however, because of him that our little arrangement was endangered. Or, yes, a little because of him, but not because of his urgent need to convince me. The doctors had noticed that we spent a lot of time together during the day, as they watched over Richard. They were delighted to see that he seemed more rested, and especially that he was making friends. On the other hand, observing us, they noticed that I slept a lot. Far too much for it to be normal. The doctor summoned me to his office.

"Do you sleep, (Y / N) ?"

"Of course."

"I mean, during the night, be honest."

Despite my best efforts to convince him that my naps did not mean anything, that even people who slept well sometimes needed to rest during the day, that I liked to lie with my eyes closed, because there were had nothing else to do here. I think some of my arguments were perfectly valid, but he decided, just in case, to prescribe sleeping pills.

"It will not have a bad effect on your health, even if you do not need it."

Disaster ! I was furious, against the whole world, against my parents who had sent me here, against doctors and nurses, but especially against Richard. It was his fault, if I had avoided him as I said from the beginning, the doctors would not have noticed my micro naps ! And worst of all, I was totally panicked at the mere thought of sleeping, because of all his stories of killer shadows. After leaving the doctor's office, my first reflex was to look for him, drawing in the living room as usual, I grabbed his notebook to throw it on the television, in order to get all his attention when I screamed at him, without worrying about the other patients who looked at us with misunderstanding and terror. I cried, I felt a little ridiculous, but fear often makes you do stupid things, so when I did not have enough voice to shout, I slapped him violently, without giving him time to answer me, before leaving to lock myself in my room. I was not completely calmed when it was time to sleep, the nurse came to give me my sleeping pill, staying in the room until she saw me swallow them. I found myself alone, in the dark, fighting against my desire to sleep. I hesitated to make myself vomit, but I could not do that in my room, I could not erase the evidence and the doctors would know it. So I had to go to the bathroom and stay awake until no one was in the corridors. My breathing slowed dangerously, my eyelids were getting heavier, and even sitting still, I felt too weak to keep my eyes open. I thought I was doing pretty well anyway...

"(Y / N) ! Wake up !"

Richard. I did not think he would come after what had happened. I had not heard him enter. I did not see him turn on the light either. Looking around me, my gaze landed on my watch, which indicated that I had slept for more than half an hour. Fuck. Fucking shit ! Then I noticed that one of my blankets was on the floor, at the other end of the room, I was looking at Richard, wondering if he had done that, and why, but when I saw his eyes, I burst into tears, understanding.

"It will be okay." he said, taking me in his arms. "I told you, I'll watch over you, we'll sleep in turn."

Even if I did not think it would really be possible, especially if the doctors discovered that he was no longer taking his sleeping pills, but at that moment, I wanted to believe Richard.

Tag : @allyadarth @kahhlo @sloppy-little-witch-bitch26 @gold-dragon-slayer @moonagecordelia @isoldedax @roxytheimmortal

#the last time a saw Richard #richard x reader #in the dark of the night #series

23 notes · View notes

smileyjily · 6 years

Text

The Grindylows: Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Flirtation

Summary: Lily is dedicated to the pursuit of Truth with a capital T, but in the spring of her 6th year, she’s faced with a challenge that will force her to confront the question of whether the end goal ever justifies a lie. Over the course of an adventure to unearth secrets long hidden at Hogwarts school, Lily is brought closer to James Potter and the person she will ultimately become.

Word Count: 9,785

AO3//FFnet

When McGonagall announced that they would be pairing up in groups of three for the day’s classwork, the whole class groaned in tandem. For a moment, they were all lifted by the unity that draws up between a group of seventeen-year-olds against the tyranny of the teacher, but the dread facts of mathematics broke the tie that momentarily bound them together. There were eighteen students but only eleven Gryffindors, meaning one group would be condemned to a partnership with a Slytherin.

Knowing the way the groups always divided, waiting passively was a surefire death sentence. Lily sensed – or possibly imagined – Severus watching her. The natural breakdown of the groups was as follows: Mary, Marlene and Emmeline would pair; three of the Marauders would band together; the leftover Marauder would join up with his remaining roommates – Duane and Khalid; Finally, Lily and Mei-Lin would partner, leaving their group with an opening for a Slytherin.

The grating sound of chairs scraping on stone resounded as students rose from their seats. Motivated, Lily spun around to see James already talking animatedly with Peter and Sirius.

“James!” Lily called out, capturing his attention. “Want to start our partnership early?”

Alarmed, Peter Pettigrew watched as his ideal trio fragmented. James stood, stretching languorously, so that the folds of his robes parted and revealed the cut of his hip, and walked over to join Lily at the front of the class. He didn’t come alone. Without prompting, Sirius strode over as well. Lily’s mystery-loving heart skipped a beat. She couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity because if James was a Grindylows, Sirius must be as well.

In fractions, the practice was to find the lowest common denominator. You could divide the Marauders down to Sirius and James (though they might hem and haw about loving all their friends equally) but no further. Where James went, Sirius followed and vice versa. Indivisible.

Which didn’t mean they never spent any time apart. Sirius would go on one of his brooding trips, skulking in corners, while James soared through the skies on his broom, impervious to life’s pitfalls. Sirius would snog Mary in the Astronomy Tower, while James holed up in the library to study. Sirius would visit with Remus in the Hospital Wing, while James battled Peter to see who could stand on one foot for longer. But they carried the other with them wherever they went.

“Call us your knights in well-tailored robes,” Sirius proclaimed once he drew near, “here to help you from failing your assignments.”

“I’m sure Lily could manage just fine on her own,” James said, which was blatantly untrue, but Lily loved him for it.

“Huang, do you mind?” Sirius said, gesturing to the chair that Mei-Lin still occupied.

Lily winced. Her perfect opportunity was Mei-Lin’s nightmare. Not only would she be forced to pair with a Slytherin, but she lost Lily as a buffer. Mei-Lin gave Sirius the small, tight smile that people often misinterpreted as gracious and abandoned her chair. She didn’t so much as look at Lily as she crossed the room to Khalid and began to scope out the leftover Slytherin with which she would be saddled.

Lily’s first month at Hogwarts had been a wondrous adventure. Glowing every day with the newness of it, Lily had flitted from class to class with Severus at her side. September came and went, and the introduction of October brought something new: homesickness. Lily had never anticipated that she’d long so powerfully for the home where Petunia nagged her and the neighbors called her a freak, where the air crackled with heat in the summers, roasting her alive as she sweat atop her sheets at night, and where she shivered in front of the stove during the winters. Yet come October, she grew nostalgic. It truly was like a sickness, her limbs growing sluggish, a churning in her stomach like she’d eaten something that disagreed with her.

One day when she’d returned to bed, she found a piece of licorice on her pillow. The next night, a caramel toffee. For weeks, she was gifted a new piece of candy, like she’d lost all her milk teeth at once and earned endless visits from the tooth fairy. She’d lie, propped on her pillows, and revel in the sticky sweetness, sugar coating her fingertips and at great risk of rotting her teeth right out of her mouth. While the brands differed, the taste of a chocolate frog was identical to Cadbury milk chocolate, and when she closed her eyes, she could imagine she was at the corner store, taking tiny nibbles to make it last the whole walk home.

Too curious to allow the mystery behind these wonderful treasures to last, Lily had devised a plan to spot out the generous gifter by Halloween. It was Mei-Lin, of course. Considerate, observant Mei-Lin, who had recognized in Lily the same sadness that had kept her awake since the night of their arrival. Never expecting thanks or recognition, Mei-Lin had stepped up to do the little she could to lift Lily’s spirits.

Their friendship had been inevitable after that. Lily would be forever grateful for the moments of familiarity that Mei-Lin had gifted her, never fully recognizing how she would save Mei-Lin – until that point friendless – in return. Of all her friends, Lily loved Mei-Lin best, so it was a simple matter to suffer through Mei-Lin’s isolationist tendencies, the way she pushed others away and grew churlish when Lily didn’t choose her above all others.

Lily sighed. At the rate things were going, she would need to lower herself on bended knees and beg Mei-Lin for forgiveness.

Sitting beside her, Sirius and James took up a lot of space. Sirius flung an arm out and wrapped it around the back of Lily’s chair, so that she could feel the heat of him against her shoulders. Seated across from her, James’ legs stretched across the length of the desk, and his knee bumped against hers as is wiggled idly. And the way they took up space wasn’t just physical. They both had auras that seemed to expand past their persons and envelop her in the bubble of their charisma. Separately, both of them had an impressive presence, but combined, she felt like she was transported into another world, one played on their terms, where problems were solved with a wave of a wand and people snapped to attention at the laziest gesture. It was a different kind of power than Lily typically sought, but she found it intoxicating all the same, grew taller along with them.

“Can I say that you’re looking very pretty today, Evans? Did you do something different?” Sirius said puckishly.

“I could ask you the same,” Lily said. “You’re looking very pretty as well.”

“Yes, actually. Thank you for taking notice. It’s my new lip gloss. Want a taste?” Sirius said with a girlish bat of his eyes. He couldn’t pretend his words were for Lily’s benefit for more than a second, immediately glancing to James to assess how he would respond.

Apparently not the jealous type, James didn’t so much as flinch at Sirius’s overwrought flirting. Instead, he said, “You really do look nice today, Lily.”

And while Sirius had said the same, she found it far more gratifying coming from James. Sirius’s flirting was par for the course. Gender, age, or creed, it didn’t matter to Sirius. When interacting with anyone but his precious Marauders, he’d use the same brand of irreverent, near-patronizing flirtation. She’d once witnessed him flirt with the subjects of a portrait. If he wasn’t compensating for something, Lily would break her own wand.

In comparison, James had matured. The last year had seen his voice drop an octave and his self-control, once the barest sapling, flourish into something mighty. James’ flirting in the past had always fallen into one of two categories: either mean or sweeping. He’d either flirt with her to irritate her or in the broad way he noticed every girl his age. In the past few months, he’d grown subtler, his attentions targeted, so that she felt special every time he so much as looked at her.

Lips puckered and expression expectant, Sirius still waited for her rejoinder to his offer, so Lily said, “I don’t know Sirius. What would Charlene Daniels think?”

“Been keeping up about me, Evans? I’m honored,” Sirius said, beaming with pride that she’d taken an interest in gossip for once.

“You shouldn’t be impressed,” James snorted. “The whole school knows about your sluggish ways. They’re going to put yon a public health poster soon.”

In retaliation, Sirius turned to Lily, “Ignore the speccy git. He’s just jealous of my busy social life. See, he’s spent all his free time lately with his nose in a book, like an absolute swot, so he’s forgotten what sunshine and snogging feel like.”

“What free time? I spend all day babysitting you, you tosser,” James said.

“What book?” Lily asked.

“Oh, dozens of them really. You know how I’m taking that private study with Malloy this year? Well, initially it was supposed to be focused on inventing spells, which was cool enough, but to really make a go of it, you have to understand the theory behind it all. So, I’ve been reading up on everything, beyond the swish-and-flick stuff we normally learn here. It’s just a hunch right now, but I think I’m getting close to something,” James said.

He waved his hands about energetically as he talked, and an entire tale of passion and enthusiasm centered in his demonstrative hands. She could see the nights spent reading under a blanket so as not to disturb his roommates, the way his eyes would widen, and he’d clumsily search for a quill when he uncovered something meaningful and new in his book, the margins of his notes, turned inky black with the observations he’d crammed into the limited space. It would be a simple thing to swap him out in her imaginings for herself, the two of them joined in their shared passion for discovery.

She wanted to tell Sirius that James had nothing to be embarrassed about. She wanted to tell James that she thought him simply marvelous.

“James always needs a project, you see. This is his new one,” Sirius said.

“What did you work on in the past?” Lily asked.

Sirius and James shared a look. Then, a chuckle. They had no intention of sharing, and Lily suspect James’ projects often tested the limits of school policy.

Since they weren’t going to clue her in, Lily returned to the original subject. “The only reason I know a thing about you and Charlene is because the girls were talking about it in the dormitory last night.”

“Really? What did they say?” Sirius drawled the words as casually as he could, but his posture betrayed him. For just a moment, he’d sat up straighter, alert.

They way he said “they” read like “she,” so Lily replied, “Not much. They didn’t seem that interested. But who knows.”

It was the wrong answer, not that Lily realized or understood why. Irritated, Sirius glanced over to where Mary was partnered with her dormmates, willing her to notice him with the force of his stare. She didn’t so much as flinch, remaining perfectly unaware that she was the object of Sirius’s intense study.

“I’m telling you, Pads, it’s never going to happen,” James said, amiable in the face of his best friend’s disappointment. Once again, he leaned in with a lowered tone to explain the situation to Lily. Sirius and James were mostly doing this for each other’s benefit, talking aloud to embarrass each other, but Lily couldn’t help but warm at feeling included for once. “Sirius wants to hear that Mary was driven into a fit of jealousy over him. I keep telling him that Mary Mac doesn’t feel normal human emotions like jealousy, but he won’t listen.”

“I thought you two weren’t exclusive,” Lily said.

“Well, yeah, but don’t you think she could be a little less happy about the situation?” Sirius said.

“You want her to be unhappy?” Lily clarified, bewildered.

Complicated and ever-changing, loud one day and then muted the next, the relationship between Mary and Sirius had never been easy for Lily to follow. There was one weekend towards the beginning of the year, quintessential for the couple, which had left Lily with emotional whiplash as she tried to sort through the unfolding drama. The Friday had begun with the two snogging in the Entrance Hall. By Transfiguration, Mary was refusing to look at Sirius as he lobbed increasingly feverish insults at her. The Saturday began with Sirius escorting Elia Montague to Hogsmeade. By nightfall, Mary was sitting in his lap, helping him cheat at cards with nary a sign of their previous row. And this was typical for them!

Had anyone ever bothered to ask for Lily’s opinion on the matter, she would have urged them both to run screaming in opposite directions and never look back.

Sirius flipped through his notes. From the bit Lily could see, it was a wasted effort as his notes contained nothing but sketches, the vast majority erring on the obscene. They’d been tasked with transfiguring the front-end of a newt into a pepper-shaker and the back-end into a tissue. It was impossible: the two sides wouldn’t meld together naturally, tissue was the exact opposite consistency of a newt, and an object simply couldn’t be two things at once. Some things had to be viewed in absolutes, and matter was one of them as far as Lily was concerned.

“You want to give it a go?” James offered. The talented prat probably could have snapped off the spell with his eyes closed.

“Not really,” Lily grumbled, but she was already reaching for her wand.

Unexpectedly, the hardest part of their assignment turned out to be controlling the newt. Just as Lily raised her arm to cast, the newt took flight. Staring at it straight on, the newt seemed to glide, smooth and flat as a snake along the desk; It looked like a long stain of spilled ink. From the side, however, Lily could see its little legs wiggling frantically to propel itself toward freedom. Lily slammed her palms flat to stop its progress. The wily thing corrected course by crawling over her hands, and Lily couldn’t react fast enough to catch it as it slid slickly from her grasp. Lily had assumed the newt would feel slimy and smooth to the touch. She’d been right on the first count; it was slimy, but also somewhat rough textured, with almost imperceptible ridges lining its body.

Deftly, James scooped the newt out of Lily’s loose fingers and cradled it close to him. Its vibrant red skin reminded Lily of a matador’s flag, and she was the bull baited by a teasing wannabe salamander.

Once more, Lily raised her wand, and once more, the newt broke free. Though to be fair, it looked like James tossed the poor thing at the last moment to ensure chaos. Sirius laughed and brought his books down heavily to herd the newt into place, only the newt lunged so the books landed with horrible force upon its tail. Lily and Sirius both screamed in genuine horror as the tail broke right off.

The newt didn’t pause for a second to mourn the loss of its appendage, scuttling away. Sirius picked up the detached tail, long as a pencil and thinner than her pinky finger, only to fling it away from his body, pelting Lily in the cheek. Screaming and carrying on like they were on fire, their trio had the undivided attention of the class.

“It’s a newt! The tail will grow back!” James said. He was laughing so hard that tears leaked from his eyes.

Like a mantra, Lily wailed, “Oh my God! Oh my God!” on repeat.

“Poor, sweet Agnes. She had such a lovely tail,” James snickered, to which Sirius let out a near hysterical, “Don’t name her!”

This time, when James caught the newt, he didn’t release it. He held the animal tight to his chest, cooing apologies and promising that he would keep it safe from his barbarous partners. Lily buried her face in her hands and tried to focus on her breathing, on not collapsing into a heap at the trauma of it all. In response to McGonagall’s accusing attention, James said something – probably witty and irreverent – but it sounded like a dull buzzing in her ears. Sirius was so overwrought that he had to leave the room, knocking his chair to the ground in the process and not looking back.

Steady heads kneaded her shoulders. Lily wasn’t one to catalogue every time a boy touched her, so she wasn’t certain it constituted the most physical contact she’d ever had with James; but, she was willing to bet it was. His hands weren’t warm but hot, blazing and large enough that his thumbs could dip into the crevices of her clavicles with rough little circles that loosened her muscles. Her eyes closed again, not because she couldn’t bear to face the world but because she was in danger of falling asleep.

Drawing every ounce of willpower she could boast, Lily opened her eyes and pulled subtly away from James’ questing hands. Immediately, he drew back, respectful. He’d transfigured his textbook into a glass vase, which contained the newt.

“Well, that was a little too much excitement,” Lily said breathlessly.

“No such thing.”

“Tell me something. A funny story to calm me down,” Lily cajoled.

Listening to his voice, distracting and deep, always did wonders for her. Granted, it tended to speed her heart up, not down.

“Afraid not, Evans. I don’t just go around passing out my great stories like candy. I need quid pro quo. Tell me something shocking about yourself. Impress me,” James challenged.

There was no shortage of precocious to outrageous stories from her childhood. The summer after her mum died, Lily had spent a lot of time alone, inventing ways to entertain herself that would have put her mum in the ground a second time if she could only see her youngest daughter.

“Alright, so when I was nine, I’d just seen my first James Bond film – he’s like a muggle auror but secret, if that makes sense? – and I became properly obsessed with spies. I read all the books, watched all the films, the works. Well, it gives you a very skewed perspective of how likely certain events are. Namely, I really thought someone was going to kidnap me and slap me in a pair of cuffs or a straitjacket. So, naturally, as nine-year-olds do, I decided to learn to dislocate my shoulder, so I could escape when the inevitable happened.”

James legitimately gasped. “Lily, no!”

Nodding animatedly, Lily said, “I’m afraid so. I spent like a week working up to it, banging my shoulder off all the furniture. There was this log swing in the park, and when it really got going, it went up to my shoulder. I’d run it back and forth until it had some good momentum, then, stand with my back to it and let it thwack me in the shoulder. That wasn’t enough, so I tied my entire collection of Encyclopedia Britanica – and those are heavy books – to the top. It was finally heavy enough and bam! Dislocated my shoulder.”

“I’ve broken a lot of bones but never done that,” James admitted. “I’ve heard it hurts.”

“Horrifically,” Lily said, chewing into the horror of the story. “I came home sobbing. My arm was numb, couldn’t move it at all. And you have to understand, the Evans family doesn’t go to the hospital. The only person home was my sister, Petunia, who was understandably furious. To set the scene, she’s only twelve. There’s no adult supervision. The only thing we know is we have a mandate to never call my father at work. Well, of course, Petunia decides she’ll just reset it herself.”

James turned ashen. He mouthed another “no.”

“She puts a bag of peas in my mouth, so I can bite down or something, like we’re in a war, has me brace against the wall with my good arm and then slams my back until the shoulder pops back in. And let me tell you, I thought the sound as it dislocated was disgusting, but the sound going back in was so much worse! I bawled my eyes out. Honestly, I’m incredibly lucky though. Petty easily could have torn the surrounding muscle, but she did a good job of it. My shoulder was black and blue for three weeks, but it healed.

Phantom pain tormented her. The memory of that splintering, mind-quieting pain. Lily shook her arm a few times, making it go limp and loose until it hung, motionless, at her side.

“Well, I suppose you learned an important lesson,” James said, but the words were insincere. James had never much held with lessons.

Lily smiled. “Not really. The day the bruises cleared up, I went back and did it again. That time, I managed to dislocate it myself without help from the log. Figured the bad goys wouldn’t hold me captive in front of a conveniently placed log swing.”

Something between a chuckle and a cry of pain escaped James’ lips. She grinned ear-to-ear as he struggled to process her story.

“You know, and I don’t say this lightly…you might just be the maddest person I know,” James said.

He looked at her like she was something marvelous, the eighth wonder of the world.

“But you know what, it all worked out in the end,” Lily boasted, “Because to this day, I can still dislocate my shoulder. So, when the time comes and someone tries to put me in handcuffs, watch out. The bad guys will be scratching their heads at the empty cuffs, while I jog down to the police station,” Lily boasted.

“Or you know, you could just use magic and keep your body parts intact,” James said dryly.

“Sounds like you will need saving when the Soviets take you,” Lily said, like it was a terrible pity.

“If I’m ever trapped in a straitjacket, at the mercy of some terrible villain, you have my permission to dislocate my shoulder for me,” James said solemnly.

Lily sniffed. “As if I’d bother.”

Time was slipping away from her. The chance to interrogate him for clues was disappearing. Yet Lily lost sight of her goals when she talked to James. Yes, the seconds moved just as quickly, but her perception slowed, time moved thick like molasses, sweet and warm. She wanted to hear his story in return.

“Your turn,” Lily said quietly.

James stroked at the shaved skin of his chin. “I wasn’t planning to give you one of my better stories, but I think you earned it with that one. Okay, let’s see…handcuffs, right, okay, so I’ve been in handcuffs exactly one time, and that was after I was arrested and taken to a muggle jail.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Lily muttered, only for James to shush her with a reminder that he hadn’t interrupted her story.

“So, it was the summer before our first year at Hogwarts,” James began.

“Wait! You were arrested when you were ten-years-old?” Lily interrupted.

“Shh! And I was eleven. As I was saying, it was the summer, and the lads down at the village were bored. There never is much to do in Stinchcombe, and there was some after-service event happening at the parish church, so all the adults were busy, leaving us little scoundrels to our own devices. A few days before, my mum had extracted the slime from our hive of billywigs, so I decided to sneak one down to the village, hidden in my pocket. Most days, the Fosters’ herd of cows were out to graze, but it was Sunday, and Mr. Foster was taking a nice lie-in, leaving his cows in the pen for an extra hour. One of the lads had the utterly brilliant idea – I’m so jealous it wasn’t mine, honestly – that a cow race would be just what our sleepy little town needed to wake up.”

This time it was Lily’s turn to utter, “James, no.”

“Oh, yes!” James grinned wickedly. “I hopped the fence, and one of the boys unpenned the gate that led straight to the village proper. A couple jabs with the billywig stinger, and trust me, it was furious from having been trapped in my pocket all morning, and the cows went mad. They set right off through the village, like they were being hunted by wolves. Somehow, and I’m mad to this day that I didn’t manage, one of the boys climbed onto one’s back and rode it for about a quarter of a mile before he fell off. Sprained wrist, he was fine. Anyway, the whole town was drawn by the noise, just herd of a dozen cows gone wild and a savage pack of boys running full-tilt alongside them, cheering to raise a vampire from his coffin. Just about every adult set to corralling the cows, but we kept getting underfoot, so the police put us in cuffs and dragged us to the station.”

Eyes closed, Lily could picture the scene. She still distinctly remembered what James looked like at age eleven, and the other boys transformed into his dormmates – Sirius falling from a cow, Peter huffing to keep up with the stampede. The stench would be foul; domineering. They’d trip over their own feet, laugh louder than the adults could bellow for order. The whites of the cows’ eyes would be milkier than their spotted hides, and, as they ran, udders would juggle and their ribs would poke through. In her mind, they raced through an idyllic village, down a straight road that led to gray-green pastures.

“So, they took us to wait in the station, put us – all eight of us – in the holding pen, while they waited for their parents to arrive. They just wanted to frighten some manners into us. All the parents came down and reamed their kids for it. My mate, Mark, was limping for days after the belting he got. And then, my dad arrived, and I swear, the police looked more horrified when they saw how he dealt with me than when the cows first stormed past. My dad didn’t even blink as I told him the whole gory story. He’s not exactly one for stern, parental discipline. He just told me some facts about cattle and took me home while the police gaped,” James said.

James proceeded to share those facts with her, how Gloucester bred a special breed of cow, unique to the area and identifiable by the white stripe that ran down their backs to the tips of their tails. Most anyone else would have faked interest, but there was nothing insincere about the look of rapt attention on Lily’s face. She swelled with the joy of discovering something new about the world, and James grew bright with the love a bookish boy has for sharing knowledge. Everything about his story, from the roguishness of his antics to the lesson at the end was perfect.

“It was an exciting day,” James concluded.

Lily wanted to smile dumbly at him for another fifteen minutes or so, but she couldn’t afford to waste any more time, so she asked, “So…on the subject of excitement, looking forward to the party on Saturday?”

“Sure. Should be a good time. I can get blitzed and spend time with my mates. Can’t ask for much more than that,” James shrugged. “Are you coming?”

“I was invited,” Lily said, purposefully offering as little information as possible. She’d read that when faced with silence, people tended to overshare.

“Invited doesn’t mean you’re coming.”

Lily felt truly understood. Had she not decided to pursue the Grindylows for her investigation, she probably would have declined on the party, not seeing the benefit of wasting a few hours at a party where her closest friends in the world didn’t warrant an invite.

“Thank you!” Lily said. “Just yesterday, I said something like that to Emmeline, and she acted like I was mad. Apparently, no one would dare turn down a coveted Grindylows invitation, and I’m aggressively nonconformist or something for not seeing the value in some exclusive club that’s ignored me and my friends for years!”

The vehemence of her rant surprised her. She hadn’t realized how irked she was by Emmeline’s assertion.

Again, James impressed her when he said, “Don’t worry about it. A Grindylows party is just a bunch of students getting drunk with a few theatrics thrown in to wow a crowd. You haven’t been missing out on much.”

His answer, impressive as it was, did give Lily a moment’s pause. James was a braggart who fed on praise and attention to his accomplishments, like Sirius drowned himself in whiskey, a flask always handy in his robes and a dose always snuck into his morning pumpkin juice. Given that James was a member of the Grindylows, he should have been quick to defend their significance because of how it reflected on him. Lily didn’t peg James for an effective secret keeper: his pranks never left any question to the identity of the perpetrators, and he’d strut down the corridors afterward with a twinkle in his eye designed to erase any lingering doubts.

“Should I take it you’re not coming, then?” James asked.

“Let me think…” Lily tapped her chin. “I have it on good authority that there will be some fit boys there…and I had no plans other than revision…”

James Cheshire Cat grinned. “Evans, I’m honored that my appeal is strong enough to draw you to a party. Honestly, I can die happy.”

“I was talking about Sirius.”

James pantomimed clawing his heart out, a zero-to-sixty transformation from cool to clown that delighted and stunned Lily simultaneously. Sirius slipped back into his seat while James was still feigning a heart attack, not acknowledging James’ theatrics for a second. He looked paler than Lily had ever seen him, like all the blood had been leeched from his veins; it was a feat as Sirius had the coloring of a vampire on a good day.

Skipping over questions about how he was feeling because Lily suspected they wouldn’t be appreciated, Lily reveled in her opportunity to inform Sirius about what he’d missed for once. “We were just discussing the Grindylows party on Saturday. It’s such a neat coincidence that it’s falling on James’ birthday, isn’t it?”

Sirius frowned. “Same day…is Saturday your birthday, mate?”

“Don’t fuck around. You didn’t forget,” James said.

“Of course not, just don’t be surprised when you don’t have a present from me this year,” Sirius said.

Offended that anyone could forget such an auspicious event, James continued to berate Sirius for “pretending” not to know his birthday. The two bickered back and forth. Meanwhile, Lily tried to determine how much of it was an act on Sirius’s part to irritate James and how much was a coordinated act on both their parts to throw her off the scent.

Trying again, Lily interrupted, “Oh! Is that why you cancelled your party? Because you didn’t want to compete with the Grindylows?”

“I told you, I have personal reasons for not wanting to focus on me this year,” James said flatly.

“Still! What a coincidence,” Lily pressed.

“That James’ birthday fell on a Saturday this year? Let me explain to you how the 365-day calendar year works. See, your birthday will land on a different day of the week each year because 365 isn’t divisible by seven. Your birthday may even fall on a Saturday next year!” Sirius delivered all this with a raised eyebrow that suggested her intellectual competency was in doubt.

Rather than deigning to give a serious reply, Lily growled, “Lizard murderer” and turned away as Sirius gasped. They returned to their Trasnfiguration, Lily pink and flustered in her attempts to successfully transform the newt. Courageously, James held their subject in place by its lumpy bottom-half, ignoring the very real risk that Lily might misaim and catch his fingers up in her spell. In the end, Lily succeeded in transforming the entire newt into a pepper-shaker that couldn’t stand on its own because it was as flimsy as a tissue, a result that would have earned a ‘P’ on an exam.

James, effortless and without comment, transformed the newt back to its original state, only to perform the desired transfiguration perfectly. Like he did with everything else – flying, flirting, public-speaking – James made it seem like the simplest thing in the world. If Petunia saw it, she’d question why Lily even needed to go to school for witchcraft when magic appeared as easy as a blink of the eye. None of the practice or the mechanics were evident in James’ spellwork.

“Um…so, what kind of thing does a person wear to a Grindylows party? I’m assuming the uniform isn’t recommended,” Lily ventured, trying to subtly steer them back to her investigation.

“The less the better,” Sirius replied, winking. “A swimming costume would be best.”

“A swimming costume?” Lily replied archly, picturing herself developing frostbite while her peers pointed and jeers, all dressed in weather-appropriate jackets.

She looked to James for a refuation, but he said, “Absolutely. It’s a swimming party, you know? So a swimming costume is a must. Said so on the invitation.”

“Where? Was there something written on the back?”

Briefly, Lily considered the possibility that James was showing his hands a member of the Grindylows, revealing a secret about the party that no one outside the group would have reason to know. Her hope was dashed as she took note of James’ smile. In a word, Lily would describe it as lecherous.

Promptly, Lily plucked the newt-turned-pepper-shaker from Sirius’s grip and upturned it over James’ head. Sprinkles of spicy powder rained down onto his dark hair and dusted the shoulders of his robes. When the trickle began to slow, Lily banged on the bottom of the shaker to encourage the rest to fall like she might with a soon-empty bottle of ketchup.

Rather than fume at his mistreatment, James laughed uproariously, and Lily forget to feel offended as she joined him, intoxicated by that deep and unabashed sound. James shook his hair about like a dog, and the pepper pelted out from him in every direction.

“Seriously, Lily,” James said as his laughter died down. “Anything you wear is fine. You’ll look gorgeous regardless.”

Tragically, Lily realized she might have overestimated her ability to interrogate James for information because, with one easy compliment, he’d reduced her to a pile of mush, weak and warm as she met his sincere eyes.

“You should wear something green. It will flatter your eyes,” Sirius said. His words reached her as if through a plane of glass, like he was standing outside of her and James’ orbit, unaware of the barrier the head of the moment had erected around them.

James said. “She doesn’t need to dress to complement her eyes. They stand out all on their own.”

Lily swallowed.

Yes, she was in trouble.

It was Mei-Lin who struck upon the solution to the Lily-can’t-interrogate-James-without-turning-into-a-lovestruck-mess problem. If she couldn’t be trusted to speak to him, then she wouldn’t. She would follow him.

Easier said than done as it turned out.

All through dinner, Lily kept her eyes trained on James at the end of the table, to the point that few fourth-year girls nearby snickered knowingly. Lily ignored them and the prospect of the rumors they were sure to start. When James pushed up lazily from the table with Sirius and Remus, Lily was ready. They walked out of the Great Hlal, laughing and talking loudly as was typical for them. Left at the table alone, Peter pushed his vegetables around his plate.

Tracking the Marauders at a discrete distance wasn’t easy as they were all three long-legged and walked with a purposefulness that had Lily hurrying not to be left behind. They turned to ascend a flight of stairs that led to the professors’ private rooms, immediately piquing Lily’s suspicions. The tower was almost always left abandoned. A drum tower, the steps wound in a tight spiral and then released out onto a covered rampart. The three boys walked ahead, single-file. With no cover in sight, Lily ducked down and waited for them to gain some distance. They rounded the corner to another flight of stairs, this time descending down into the northeast courtyard, where Hufflepuffs often congregated on sunny days. Before they disappeared entirely from sight, Remus turned his head slightly to the left, enough so that if he had looked, he would have seen Lily crouched awkwardly pretending to tie a trainer. He gave no indication of having seen her and kept walking.

The chase continued in the same manner – the Marauders staying fifteen meters ahead and giving no indication they knew Lily was stalking their every step – until they’d covered half the bloody castle and Lily was slick with sweat. Then, the Marauders entered the one room where Lily didn’t dare follow: the boys’ loo. Not wanting to seem like she was lurking outside they boys’ lavatory, Lily waited in a bailey with a clear view of the lav.

She was winded from chasing them up and down flights of stairs. If this was how those boys spent their after-dinner hours, Lily knew how they maintained such healthy physiques. They’d taken the concept of a brisk, after-dinner walk and turned it into a marathon. It was no wonder Peter had opted not to join them.

A first-year drew near and struck up a conversation. Every year, Lily made it a point to help the incoming first-years of all houses find their way around the castle. She made a particular effort with the muggleborn students, explaining the most perplexing differences between wizarding and muggle culture, so they wouldn’t discover it as a shock like Lily did. For example, there was no laundry at Hogwarts because the elves managed all the washing. It was custom to throw dirty clothes to the ground each night and expect a neat set of robes to be packed in your trunk by morning. Or that everyone raised their nose at Portugal because the wizarding world had its own history of international relations and wizarding Great Britain and Portugal had been sworn enemies for nearly three centuries, something to do with magical creatures and export regulations. Or, most shocking of all, that the wizarding world was militantly irreligious, so there would be no chaplain or mass or prayer before meals and exclamations to God would be met with blank stares by young purebloods equally clueless about muggle culture.

The girl before her, Anne Merriweather, was one such instructee. Anne wanted to tell her about how she’d finally sorted the rules for Quidditch and was practicing her flying to join the house team. Supportively, Lily listened and nodded along, but the whole time, she kept an eye trained on the door to the loo.

Shadows crept into the courtyard, slanting through the high windows as the sun made its sure descent. It quickly became the lantern lights that kept Anne’s face illuminated. The Marauders had been in the loo for nearly half an hour.

Lily bolted to her feet. There was no way they could have escaped whilst she was watching so carefully, which meant they were still in the loo, likely up to any sort of Grindylows business, and she was missing it with her dithering. With a kind parting word to Anne, Lily marched to the lavatory and burst inside with little consideration for its occupants.

No one was exposed, thankfully, but her entry was still met by high-pitched screams from the younger students. Two fifth-years looked her up and down and snickered to each other. The only people who didn’t respond were the Marauders. And that was because they weren’t there.

To be sure, Lily dropped to her knees and looked beneath the stalls, but the only pair of feet she spotted clearly belonged to a child.

“Have any of you seen James Potter, Remus Lupin, or Sirius Black?” Lily demanded of the startled crowd.

When they all answered in the negative, Lily stormed out, looking around wildly like they might still be lingering in sight, but they were long gone. Her mind scrambled for an explanation. They’d known she was trailing them from the start, their ignorance an act and their circuitous route through the castle designed to mess with her. Maybe there was a secret passageway in the boys’ loo. She’d heard rumors that Hogwarts was riddled with trapdoors and secret escape passages, so they could have slipped out through one. It certainly seemed more reasonable than the alternative: they possessed the power of invisibility.

Slowly, Lily’s frustration transformed, and a smile slid into place across her face. They probably considered this a victory over her, that they’d escaped without drawing her notice, but she was the one who’d won. Because now she knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were up to something. Up to something they didn’t want her to discover.

The next day, things ran just as smoothly. Neither James nor Remus nor Sirius were in Potions that morning. Alone, Peter hunched over his cauldron, silent and stewing in his abandonment. Ever the opportunist, Lily approached Peter, the weakest link, the vulnerable one.

He glanced about warily when Lily slid into place beside him, so she graced him with her most reassuring smile.

“Hullo, Peter. All alone today?”

“Yes.”

“That’s too bad. Nothing worse than class without your mates, huh?” Lily said chummily.

“I guess, yeah. It’s a bit boring. Usually I’m desperate for Sirius to stop talking for three seconds, but now…” Peter waved around like the silence in the air was explanation enough.

“Well, you should partner with me and Mei-Lin today. We don’t want you sitting over here all alone. Besides, it’s not fair that you have to do all the brewing alone. It’s a two-person job,” Lily said.

Peter eagerly accepted and prattled on about he was usually so lucky because James was such an ace brewer as he’d all but grown up in a Potions workshop and he – Peter – had no idea how he would have managed without her help. She had him right where she wanted him.

“Tell me, where are all the others today anyway?” Lily asked after an appropriately lengthy amount of time had passed. It wouldn’t do to look to eager.

She kept her gaze fixed pointedly on the ladle she was stirring. Heat drifted up form the bowl of the ladle and her hand dampened with sweat.

“Hospital Wing,” Peter said, taciturn.

“How’d they managed that?” Mei-Lin asked, and Lily sent her a thankful smile as their interrogation would look far more natural when split between two people, like an actual conversation.

“Beats me,” Peter said.

“Oh, come on, Peter,” Lily said. “You can just say they were up to some prank, and you can’t tell us what. No one’s going to believe you don’t know what they were doing.”

It was the wrong move as Peter grew irritable, bristling and growing taller in his seat. “I don’t have the first clue what they were thinking yesterday.”

Lily and Mei-Lin shared a conspicuous glance over his head. Mei-Lin’s eyes screamed ‘what the hell is wrong with this boy’, and Lily silently agreed. Considering who his friends were, it was baffling that Peter could be so high strung. The ladle started to burn, so Lily switched hands, never considering that Peter or Mei-Lin might help; this was one of the only classes in which she excelled, after all.

“Why aren’t you with them? I mean, shouldn’t you suffer right alongside them? I always thought if one of you stubbed your toe, the other three all shouted ‘ow,’” Mei-Lin tried.

“So did I,” Peter said quietly, the most heartbreaking admission Lily had ever heard. “But I don’t have the first idea what would possess someone to go for a midnight swim in the Black Lake in March. It’s bloody Baltic! I could have told them they’d all catch hypothermia.”

Smashing. Lily could have kissed him.

“That’s probably why they didn’t invite you,” Lily said kindly. “They knew you’d tell them what a mad idea it was, and they didn’t want to hear reason.”

“Do you think so?” Peter asked hopefully. Hopefully and pitifully, like he was genuinely contemplating never warning his friends away from potential danger again if only they’d let him come along on their adventures.

For the rest of class, Lily buzzed with excitement, and when Slughorn allowed them to pack up, she practically sprinted to get out of earshot of Peter. Giggling, Mei-Lin stayed on her heels.

“First thing –” Lily said.

“I’m one step ahead of you!” Mei-Lin interrupted. “I’ll go to the Hospital Wing and see if anyone else has come down with a case of hypothermia.”

“Brilliant! And I’ll ask Filch and Hagrid whether there was anything suspicious down by the lake last night,” Lily agreed.

They both sailed away, like they were riding on a rainbow of discovery, but when they met again a few hours later to share their progress, it was with different spirits. Neither Filch nor Hagrid had noticed any strange activity the previous night, though Filch had kept Lily for nearly an hour detailing every minor infraction he’d witnessed that week. Worse, when Mei-Lin had arrived at the Hospital Wing, Pomfrey had already released the Marauders and refused to share the identities or medical statuses of her other patients in the name of confidentiality. While Mei-Lin was now certain that other students had come down with the same unlikely symptoms of hypothermia, she hadn’t the slightest who these mystery students might be. Like she was trying to convince herself, Lily optimistically pointed out that they were well on the path to discovery as they’d already learned something. There was no way the Marauders had decided to abandon Peter to his own devices unless there was a secret afoot.

The period after lunch found Lily sequestered from her friends and targets in Ancient Runes, but she was quick to join up with Will immediately after the class let out. Lily didn’t make it a habit to memorize her classmates’ schedules – though she would certainly look for an opportunity now that they had become her targets – but she knew that Remus could often be found alone in the library after two thirty, so that was where she and Will both headed, and that was where they found them.

Remus sat at one of the desks in the center of the library, head resting on the table in a display of weariness that was concerningly familiar to anyone who knew him. Everything about him was pale, no, colorless, like the life was being leeched out of him, everywhere from skin to eyebrows to the whites of his eyes growing dull without a hint of the vibrancy that he showed when he grew passionate about a subject. Seeing him like that left Lily in the grip of an irrational fear, a fear that he might be dead at the table amidst the busy library with no one the wiser. His hand, gripping a quill and carefully scrawling notes even as his eyes remained shut, fortunately gave him away as a living, breathing boy.

Trying to remain inconspicuous, Lily plucked a random book from a shelf, holding the volume high so that she could peer covertly over the top. She nearly dropped it at the first touch, the spine was unexpectedly wet, soaked through with perspiration that dripped off the pages while magically managing not to obscure the text. A glance showed it was a book on weather charms, so Lily quickly swapped it for a book with less personality, worried that a strike of lightning might be next.

“You know there’s no reason to be so sneaky, right? There’s nothing suspicious about us hanging out in the library. Set aside your fantasies of being Hercules Poirot for a minute,” Will said lowly.

“It’s not like we can just sit down and start staring at him,” Lily murmured. Then, she added, “And I don’t fantasize about being Hercules Poirot.”

“Really? I’m surprised you didn’t show up today with a fake moustache and a bowler hat,” Will joked.

“Don’t be absurd. That would go against the whole principle of not drawing attention to myself.”

“Okay, tell me this, how many Hercule Poirot novels have you read?” Will challenged.

Lily pouted. “Nineteen.”

“There we go.”

She could have argued that her interest in the Poriot books was less owed to the characters than to their novelist. Agatha Christie had left so significant a mark on Lily that she’d included the author in her notebook of influential women, a whole two pages were dedicated to Lily’s musings on Christie’s contributions as the best-selling and most widely-translated novelist of all time. Not only that, she also held a passion for archaeology, traveling the world in pursuit of her interests and had been a volunteer nurse during the Great War. When news of Agatha Christie’s death reached Lily a few months before, she’d actually cried at the breakfast table, blotting her cheeks with her robes so that no one would notice.

“I repeat,” Lily said, “We can’t just sit down and stare at him. He’ll know something is up.”

“Of course, we can! I do it all the time. Watch!” Will instructed.

Then, to Lily’s horror, he sat down at the table directly across from Will – no books, no parchment, nothing to mask his unabashed interest – and stared. Lily joined him at the table, unpacking her books and studying Remus for any sign that he felt the pair of eyes burning into his neck. Every time Remus let out a heavy breath, a stray blond curl would rise on the geyser of air only to collapse back down again upon his forehead.

“He’s not very observant when he’s tired,” Will said fondly.

“Just how often are you watching him, anyway?” Lily asked with an eyebrow raise that screamed judgment.

Will pretended to think. “If Mei-Lin’s to be believed, probably about as much as you watch Potter in Transfiguration.”

Lily froze, grew hot with embarrassment, considered, and then, “Touche.”

In the grand scheme of crushes that Will had entertained during his time at Hogwarts – a dubious honor and an expansive list of people – Remus Lupin ranked as one of his better choices. At least Remus Lupin had a sweet smile when someone managed to wring one from him, a feat few other than his closest friends ever achieved. He was also even-tempered and level-headed enough to keep Will in line, a responsibility that currently rested with Mei-Lin, who ran herself ragged trying to put a stop to Lily and Will’s worse impulses and would certainly appreciate the outsourcing. Then again, Remus had never done much to stop his mates from rampaging through the school, so Lily could be overestimating his commitment to reason.

“I don’t think Peter was lying about the hypothermia,” Will commented. “He really does look ill.”

“How can you tell?” Lily asked. To her, Remus always looked like might fall into a faint at any moment.

“See the way his hand is shaking as he writes? Also, look at his hair. He forgot to comb it this morning, and that never happens,” Will said, pointing without a hint of shame in Remus’s direction.

“There should be a book on treating hypothermia around here somewhere. I’m going to check,” Lily said, adding a quick warning about how Will should watch Remus carefully for any suspicious activity in the meantime.

Despite her dislike for the library, Lily was woefully familiar with its layout and tracked down a book that would answer all her questions within a matter of minutes. Questions like: would someone still be shaking hours after magical treatment for hypothermia? Lily flipped through the pages as she returned to her table, skimming the contents. The section on treatment claimed that the average person would be completely returned to health within an hour of the administered treatment, but an addendum clarified that the elderly or ill could experience side effects for up to twelve hours.

Not for the first time, Lily paused to wonder about Remus’s constant absences to visit his sick mother and wonder whether he might be less than forthcoming with his explanations. Lily hoped not. She clearly remembered the rush of affiliation she’d felt in first year when she’d overheard whispers about how that Lupin boy��s mother was practically dying. Amidst a sea of juvenile concerns, Lily thought she’d found someone who would understand the frailty of human life, who would know the ache of a true and genuine pain.

Every time he returned home from a visit to his mum, Lily made it a point to give him a gift. Not having much, these usually consisted of a book or a spare piece of bubble gum, maybe answers to the homework he’d missed. She didn’t have any brilliant advice or insight into the experience of losing a mother despite having gone through the same process herself. Turned out, the universality of the experience was how much it hurt, and she couldn’t say a thing to alleviate that, but she’d felt a silent affinity with him all the same, a desire to ease some of that agony.

Contradictorily, Lily had also felt compelled to keep her distance ever since learning about his long-ill mother. Her mind would play tricks on her. Sometimes when she walked past him, she swore she smelled a haunting combination of lavender and sweat, just like her mother’s bedroom in those final months, when she’d soaked the covers through each night and Petunia would light lavender candles to mask the smell of decay that threatened to consume the entire house.

When Lily looked up from her book, she was surprised to find herself looking at an empty table. Not that she should have been surprised. In her absence, Will had taken his chance to join Remus and was talking animatedly in the other boy’s ear. Incognito was no longer an option, so Lily joined them.

“Ah, Lily,” Will greeted. “Remus here was just telling me about how he’s never been to Ireland, and I say he has to go first chance he gets. I swear it’s the freshest air in the world. Would do you a world of good.”

“Is there a lot of smog where you live? Where is it again…Wales, right?” Lily asked.

Remus nodded. “Cardiff. And yes, some. It blows over the channel from Paris sometimes.”

“I’m in the Midlands, so we’re far enough from London that we don’t get hit, but my town is also built around the paper milling industry, so I figure we’re all going to die of cancer anyway,” Lily said companionably, effectively ruining Will’s ploy to drive the conversation to romantic images of his hometown. He shot her a glare while Remus wasn’t looking.

“Air pollution: muggles’ gift to the wizarding world,” Remus joked.

“I’d happily breath straight Carbon if it meant some death eaters get poisoned right alongside me,” Lily said seriously, causing Remus to laugh, life slowly returning to his pallid face.

The conversation continued in the same vein for some time. Will would flirt, Lily would joke, and Remus would laugh. A happy trio. Their chat was pleasant, but Lily was hostage to her rigid schedule and a host of commitments loomed in the distance. She needed to get to business.

“I heard you were in the Hospital Wing today. Everything alright?” Lily asked.

“Thank you for asking. Madame Pomfrey fixed me right up,” Remus assured her gently.

“What kind of trouble did you and your mates get into this time?” Lily asked.

“The usual kind.”

“I had to invite Peter to partner with me in Potions today because you boys left him all alone,” Lily said. “I think he was a little bit down about being left out.”

Remus winced, rubbed a weary hand across his left eye. Others might have felt guilty for taking such an approach, but Lily didn’t. She was only being truthful as Peter was clearly hurt, and Lily didn’t make it a habit of feeling sorry when someone didn’t like their confrontation with the truth. Now, when she had cause to lie, those were the moments that pierced Lily’s heart, and she suspected she’d feel more than her fair share of shame before her investigation was over.

When Remus remained silent, Lily tried again, “I could have told you that swim this early in the spring was a bad idea. The water won’t be warm for another three months now at least.”

“I doubt it’ll be warm until the last day of school,” Will volunteered. “It’s bloody freezing out there.”

“Not our brightest moment. I’ll admit,” Remus laughed.

“Did you go with any girls?” Lily said, growing desperate as her subtle questions failed time and again to illicit any new information.

“Because if so, where was my invitation?” Will interrupted.

Remus blinked. “What? I…you just said it was too cold to consider going swimming…”

“On my own, yeah! But with you? Sounds like a grand time. Afterwards, shivering and wet, we could have shared body heat,” Will said shamelessly.

Lily kicked him. Here she was, trying to interrogate one of her prime suspects, and Will was coopting the conversation to flirt! To her horror, there was no returning to the subject either because Remus was looking at Will with big eyes that had entirely forgotten Lily was there.

“Did you go alone?” Lily tried one last time.

Remus didn’t even look at her.

Defeat. She’d tried to follow them, to suss out their secrets through conversation, and nothing was working. They were too on guard, too experienced in misbehavior to spill their secrets so easily. At the end of another day of obsessive work, Lily was left with nothing but suspicions.

The clock in the bell tower tolled, a taunting reminder of the time that was lost. Feeling at her wrist, Lily sought her own pulse. It throbbed against her fingertips, one beat per second, her own internal clock, ticking down, down, down.

She couldn’t afford another wasted day like this.

No. She needed a plan.

#jily fanfiction #james potter #lily evans #mine #jily

5 notes · View notes

its8simplejulesblog · 4 years

Text

So I’m Supposed To Be Studying For An Econ Exam Right Now

But I just had to write this. Sometimes I feel like things that would normally be a priority to someone else should take the back burner when I feel like there is an important social issue that needs to be addressed. Today’s topic is a little bit sensitive. It’s a little bit scary and I don’t think this will be too detailed or graphic but I want to issue a trigger warning anyway because you just never know.

I want to talk about harassment.

I contemplated writing this post for a little while now just because I didn’t think it necessarily applied to me. We live in a man’s world. Everyone knows it. You’re taught it in school and it’s reinforced and confirmed in your everyday and social lives. I publicly say “I hate men” about at least 7 times a day just because I don’t know what else to say at this point (but I don’t truly mean it). Life is a game of power and men have it. It’s one of those things that is so deeply ingrained in universal society that there is no hope in it changing anytime soon (just being honest). However, as I grow up and look more inquisitively on the world I see this power play out in so many different ways and if we were to brush all of my jokes and nagging comments and eyerolls aside I have to say, quite frankly, that it’s scary.

I am very much a feminist (in the traditional sense of equality, not the modern sense of putting men down). If you had asked me if I was about a year ago I would have also said yes, but I would have added a “but....” as to alleviate the implications that I was crazy and aggressive and trying to assert my female dominance and grind all men to a ridiculous pulp. It sounds stupid, but every time the word was introduced in a conversation all of the guys in the room would crack jokes or talk shit and if anyone knows me at all, the unfortunate truth is I’m constantly trying not to be the negative talk of anyone’s conversation, even if that means silencing myself.

So, for the longest time I kind of stayed away from that word. That is, until my parent’s anniversary. On April 9th, 2020 my mom and dad and I sat down and watched their wedding video. We talked about all of the cute things my dad did for my mom and eventually my mom told me that instead of a bouquet she threw a remote to the women and my dad threw an apron to the men to just highlight how bullshit they thought gender roles were. I fell in love with the concept, and ever since then have been thinking more and more about how I should just say what I feel without the fear of being ridiculed by anyone.

A woman’s role in society, the cooking and cleaning I get it..in fact, I really do enjoy doing those things. However, that fact is one small drop in the bucket when I consider what those implications mean. The women that fought for the right to vote, the women that are publicly shamed for speaking up about being raped by anyone let alone our fucking president. I know this blog was supposed to be a friendly and welcoming place but let me just say that it makes me shake with rage when I think about how frequently women are disrespected.

I would be lying if I said this didn’t apply to me, so that’s why I needed to write this. I want to preface this part by saying that I have been so so so SO lucky to have been surrounded by so many amazing men my whole life. I’ve learned so much from them and some of them have turned into my best friends and I trust my dad and uncles and grandfather with my life. However, it has to be addressed that virtually every female in the world has been harassed or treated as less than in one way or another. I know that I’m not typically one for making vague claims like that, and I would rather whip out statistics, but I think that’s a claim I can make with absolute certainty.

There’s a certain point where it’s not a joke anymore. I understand that miscommunication and misinterpretations are a thing. I understand that a lot of guys have good intentions that are incorrectly viewed, I get it. But a lot of the times...it’s not. I remember when the Me Too movement was at its peak and there were still men making jokes and not taking it seriously and I wanted to vomit. These are people’s sisters, daughters, friends. People that I’ve known since middle school that could do no wrong, people that are sweet and want nothing else than to see the good in everyone get taken advantage of all the time. I have not been raped, but everyday I live in fear that it could be me.

The concept is unconditional. You don’t have to be conventionally pretty to be taken advantage of. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing at the time it doesn’t matter where you are it doesn’t matter if you think you know someone or not NO ONE deserves to be violated like that. I understand that harassment and sexual assault is not limited to women, but I feel the need to speak mainly on what I am familiar with.

I was in New York with my family. We were walking through the streets of Manhattan and we walked through a group of men hanging out and they all whistled at me. My mom threatened to hit them with a flyswatter.

I had a teacher in highschool who was particularly interested in our adherence to the dress code. In the middle of class he would make us stand up and touch our toes so he could measure if our skirts were too short. There were times when he called me out specifically and I was mortified. There was one day when I was sick and he called and asked to speak to me personally. He asked me if I was okay and taking care of myself and he made sure that if there was anything he could do that I should let him know. He asked me to be his TA the next school year, but before that could happen he was arrested.

I dated a guy in highschool that cursed me out profusely when we broke up. He told me that I thought I was better than him and that I was trash and a loser. He couldn’t fathom the idea that I was capable of making my own choices.

The male mentors on my robotics team always talked over me. It was a miracle if I got a word in. Towards the end, I could finally hold my own, but it was a process. There were days when I would cry to my dad because I was trying so hard to prove myself. I told myself every day that the next day I wouldn’t cry in front of them because if I did they wouldn’t take me seriously.

In Disney World I had a guy run up to me and ask for my snapchat because he thought I was pretty. I had never met him, we knew nothing about each other. It was supposed to be a compliment, but I felt objectified.

I was at a frat party at UD. I was hanging out with my friends when a guy tapped me from behind and we started a conversation. He was a really nice guy, very sweet, but when my friends came back and told me they were about to leave I felt very trapped. The guy I was talking to seemed sad and he told them that they could leave and he would watch out for me. I thanked him, but went with my friends anyway and a few days later he stopped talking to me.

I got cheated on because my ex was bored and had other options

I’ve now blocked 3+ guys on social media for constantly asking to hang out because I’m scared of how they’ll react if I say no. God forbid you reject a man. The second you do you’re called a fraud and told you’re not that pretty anyway and you’re selfish and not actually that great and are a waste of time.

So no, no I wasn’t raped, but I have every reason to write this post. Fuck Brock Turner. Fuck Donald Trump. Fuck Bill Cosby. I could go on and on and on. This is not just a race war, this is people standing up to what they never could. Is the country in disarray? Yes, but I say, bring it on. I’m sick and tired of people making jokes about things that are serious problems. I’m sick and tired of men thinking they’re entitled to me. I don’t owe men SHIT. I shouldn’t be surprised when someone treats me right or opens a door for me or asks for my consent. How messed up is that that the bare minimum seems like a reward.

So to the guys reading this: when I say, “I hate men” don’t get defensive, don’t say “not me though,” don’t make jokes. When I say I hate men I mean I hate the system that degrades me to nothing in their presence. I’m tired of feeling like a hero in my econ class because I’m the only girl speaking up. I’m tired of people assuming that I only work out cause I’m trying to impress someone. I’m tired of feeling like a failure because I feel uncomfortable and disrespected sending certain pictures fuck that.

I know there are good guys out there, I do. I just wish there were more because there’s nothing quite like feeling constantly used. It really puts a damper on your image of yourself.

I am not here to please anyone. I am not here for you, I’m here for me, and if I recognize that someone in my life is good for me then they will stay, otherwise, you can snip snip yourself out of my life. I’m not a piece of meat. I have thoughts and feelings and I can have intellectual conversations and I can use power tools and solve math equations and I’m not an idiot and I’m not a toy so I refuse to be treated like that ever again.

I used to be afraid to say that I was a feminist, but now I can say so with absolute confidence and if you’re a male that’s uncomfortable with that then good, think about what that means. Men ARE smarter and more capable after all, right?

0 notes

soupsandwichpizza · 5 years

Photo

Sick and Tired

I used to have a serious anger issue. I tried many ways to deal with it. The military, martial arts, meditation, letting it out on inanimate objects, bottling it up to deal with later, all kinds of things. But nothing has ever helped me to get rid of it completely. Nothing has ever allowed me to be free of my anger, rage, and hatred for this world I live in. With the epiphany that I’m transgender, I thought that I’d finally discovered the source of my anger. I thought that it was because I had been forced to hide myself from such a young age. I thought that I had learned at a very young age that I was allowed to be angry, but I wasn’t allowed to be sad, and that was why I had such issues.

Upon discovering that I should have been born a girl and that there’s nothing wrong with me for being this way, I began to drape myself in femininity. I figured that repressing the girl inside was causing my issues, therefore, immersion in the female would cure all my ills. But it didn’t work as well as I thought it should. To be sure, a lot of my issues have been reduced to the point of practically being non-existent. It’s kind of like saying that the inferno has been reduced to a candle flame. And for that, I’m eternally grateful! You have no idea what it’s like to have the spoons to deal with my life instead of lashing out physically or internalizing things to the point of physical symptoms of the stress and rage I carried. I had always been only moments away from doing something extremely stupid and the slightest things would have set me off.

I don’t want to minimize the benefits I’ve seen from my transition, to the contrary, I’m more relaxed and at peace now that I have probably ever been. However, my anger issues persist, and I really don’t like that about myself. As I realized that covering myself in femininity wasn’t helping me as much as it should have, I began to back off that. I allowed myself more freedom in my expression, I allowed myself more room to grow in my gender, both the expression of it as well as my sense of it. I started to allow myself the freedom to simply BE. I found that I don’t like the feeling of vulnerability I get when I am looking really feminine. I found that I prefer to wear a “persona” of sorts. It’s the same kind of persona that I used to wear in high school. By being someone who looks tough and mean, I gain a kind of armor against the hatred and cruelty of this world. And I’m okay with that, it’s comfortable to me. What’s more, this persona, this armor, it doesn’t cause me any stress or anger or angst. If anything, I don’t get the chance to take things as far as I’d like, my boss wouldn’t like it very much if I came to work with a mohawk.

But my anger issue is coming from somewhere, and lately I’ve been trying to figure out the mystery. Because I don’t like being such an angry person all the time. I don’t like needing to meditate. I don’t like having to use the discipline taught to me by the military and my martial arts training. I don’t like having to swallow my irritation in an effort to keep from lashing out at someone undeserving. I don’t like needing to apologize for when I’ve been unable to control myself. All too often I find myself an emotional wreck. All too often I find myself choking back tears for things that shouldn’t be as emotional as they are to me. All too often I find myself dealing with a swirl of anger, guilt, self-hate, depression, and confusion. All too often I find myself wondering what the fuck happened?

I used to think it was just me. I inherited my anger and rage. Then I thought it was how I was raised. I learned my anger and rage. Eventually I came to understand that my anger and rage were a reaction to the world around me and that once I got the world to see me as I am (for the most part), my anger and rage began to dissipate. What remained confused me though. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t shake it. It came in waves too. Waves that I initially determined were due to the medications I was taking. And it was true, and it did seem to follow my ups and downs for this medication which was VERY out of specification. And so, I’ve been going down the road of adjusting things, waiting for my body to metabolize the adjustment, and then getting retested. A process which takes 2-3 months on average for each adjustment. Meanwhile, I asked that people be understanding of how things are for me. I didn’t want to inadvertently offend anyone.

Things still aren’t as they should be, however. I know that this medication is VERY likely not the cause of my continued anger issue. The level has been adjusted enough, and I’ve been sensitive to the symptoms, enough so that I can now say that I’m positive that the medication isn’t the cause. While I’m also VERY sure that the imbalance of the medication was a contributing factor, I’m also VERY sure that it isn’t the cause by itself. There are other symptoms when my medication is out of whack, and those symptoms are easy to detect and track. And while the meds can make my anger issue worse, they don’t follow with my issue or the initial outbreak of my anger.

What my experience has shown me, is that my issue is being caused by one specific person. It took me until today to fully realize what’s been happening. When I finally realized it, I had one of those forehead slapping moments when you just want to degrade yourself for being a fool for not having seen it earlier. But it’s my nature to be a different (vulnerable) person to those close to me. And therefore, it’s those close to me who can do me the most harm. As they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty, and this is a classic example of that. Now that I see, now that my eyes are open, I’m going do my best to keep this person from messing with my head. That means that I’m going to have to distance myself from them. In my world, it’s not easy to get to know me, it’s not easy to get behind my walls. Once there, I’m an open book, and that’s easily used against me.

The thing that I’ve had to learn to come to this conclusion is this. I’m not here to make other people happy. No matter how much I love you. No matter how much I care. I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. Because if all I do is make others happy, there’s no happiness left for myself. If I don’t allow myself to be who I am and if I’m not loved and accepted for being that person, then the relationship/friendship is built on a lie. No matter what it looks like I’m throwing away, I’m not. Because it was never there to begin with. I would rather throw away something that I’ve never had and walk away to look for something true.

Because I’m tired of being angry all the time. Because I’m tired of not being allowed to be the person I am inside. Because I’m sick of pretending that everything is okay when it hasn’t been in a VERY long time. Because I’m tired of being confused all the time. Because I’m tired of being depressed all the time. Because I’m sick of being the “bad guy” all the time. Because I’m sick of doing whatever is necessary to keep the peace all the time. Because I’m tired of living a life that I’m not happy with. Because I’m tired of trying to help those who obviously don’t want my help. Because I’m sick of helplessly watching someone I love continue to walk a dark path. Because I’m sick of feeling guilty for simply trying to be happy. Because I’m tired of explaining myself to someone who always misinterprets my actions in the worst possible way. Because I’m sick of drowning myself in alcohol all the time in an effort to drown my feelings of guilt. Because I’m tired of never getting what I want out of my life. Because I’m sick of not being trusted. Because I’m tired of giving everything I’ve got and it’s still not good enough

Because I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

#SoupSandwichPizza #SickAndTired #SomethingHasToChange #CantKeepLivingLikeThis #ILearnedToLoveMe

0 notes

surge42-blog · 7 years

Text

Do What Thou Wilt: A sermon by Ab-Soul

Ab-Soul's Do What Thou Wilt album is perhaps one of his most controversial offerings. Soul having called it a love story and female appreciation album, it baffles many listeners when they listen to the album because it seems as if Soulo is throwing too many concepts all over the place.....or is he? After a random listening of the album I picked up a something out of nowhere. EVANGELISM The album starts out aggressive as it kicks off with RAW(backwards). Soul starts out by evangelizing listeners as the Carson native raps "another Baptism by Pastor Black Lip". What is he evangelizing them from? Well it's answer in hook which goes "we don't wanna hear that whack shit no more",which could be directed towards his contemporaries who rap about money,hoes,clothes,drugs dealing, and glorifying the gang life. The "battlemongers"(haters) called him a reject as he puts considering how much negativity he's gained from his previous album "These Days...",but Soul doesn't allow this to deter him. Then comes the most notorious part of the sing,which is a jab at Jay Electronica who was featured with Kendrick over the controversial Control track. It should be noted that there has been tension between Kenny and Jay after the chain of events set off by Lamar's verse. Ab protests that "it hurts when an O.G who was supposed to be a G.O.D is standing next to King Kunta(Lamar) feeling like Tobi",he means that it saddens him to see a respected artist as Electronica shows signs of having an inferiority complex for a song verse that was not really supposed to have bothered him...or anyone for that matter. This song is called RAW(backwards) which is WAR,not physical but rather a war of words,Soul's preachings are a weapon to fight against the problem he is yet to elaborate on. "Cause we don't die, we just multiply,divide and conquer": Ab-Soul's fan base or rather converts keep growing despite any hindrances (These Days...). He warns listeners that "the truth is scary" and that they must brace themselves for his teachings and making the listener anxious. "Wicked as Aleister Crowley" is a line Soul has used time and time again...not to be misinterpreted by any means,he is comparing himself to Crowley because Soul has cult following of fans similar to how Crowley had a cult following of converts. The next song Braille comes in with a wonderful Bas feature. But why Braille? Braille is a writing system used by the blind in place of normal alphabets,it is an unusual alphabet system for the normal seeing person which makes sense as I continue to explain. The song begins with the hook "Try saying something new,ain't nothing new to say, everything been did each and every which way" in reference to the wack shit that Soul spoke of: the repetitive songs about money,fame,women etc. But he continues "you ain't never seen it done like this" meaning Soul is about to bring something new to the masses,something out of the ordinary kinda like making non-blind people read Braille..am I right? The song doesn't seem all that 'new' as you listening to it,Soul uses a generic flow,and raps about the same things he just called wack("we went from Pentos to Benzos" along with the braggadocio that ccomes with hip-hop), although he does keep his witty lines accompanied by Bas' killer verse. This song seems more like a parody of today's music really...until the end of course. The beat becomes distorted and Ab raps "What the tongue can't taste,what the eyes can't see,what the ears can't hear",it's about his subject matter of the album,stating to the evangelized listener that it makes no sense or better yet,it is unfathomable. Huey Knew THEN begins to play its sinister instrumental. This song is about the financial prosperity of the black man as Soul begins with a rendition of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air theme. Will Smith on the show portrays a young man from his low income lifestyle in Philadelphia moving to a neighborhood of wealth. Soul raps "I gotta shoot a fuckin' free throw to make my point". A longstanding stereotype about the black man is that the only way a black man can make it out of poverty is through basketball. Now onto Huey, the man who the song is named after. He was a civil rights activist fighting for the equality of the black man in order give him a chance to prosper but the system has been designed to keep the black man from achieving: the guns and drugs prevalent in black neighborhoods which lead to gang wars and the likes. Black out is used as a metaphor for death,black out being a minor sleeping state which is considered the cousin of Death which is in turn reaffirmed by the reference of the pale white horse. Telling white lies refers to the underhandedband shady dealings of gangbanging which also leads to the demise of the black man. "White lives matter when I black out" means white people become the topic of discussion in the death of a black man(such as the case of Trayvon Martin). Soul talks about "looking for shortcut to be an icon" but later says he's only doing it for the money,but not in a condescending way,he means he's doing it to make a living for himself as a black man with limited opportunity. And then the line "your 16 is pint sized to me" is referring to the rappers he addresses in RAW(backwards) and Braille meaning that their raps are meaningless to him,and furthermore lack true meaning to him. In the first three songs of the album Soul directs our attention away from these unnamed rappers and directs us towards him instead. This is the evangelism phase of the album. But wait...there's more. Huey was part of the Vanguard and it is a known fact that women were not allowed to join in. This sets the stage for the next song. THE SERMON Now that Ab-Soul has converted you and baptized you into his religion, he begins his sermon to the new and old converts(fans). He begins his song Threatening Nature with "this time around we're taking atheists to church,serving serpents with sermons with curse words". He talks to not only the nonbelievers of God but also the sinners using his profanity filled raps. Soul says his heart pumps the same blood as Jehovah's son or rather Joseph meaning Jesus. White people have long used religion to paint other races as inferior,but this statement by Soul challenges such a notion firstly because Jesus was a human like anyone else and on top of that he wasn't even white to begin with,this is continuing the theme of racial equality from the previous track. He challenges (threatens) the norm(nature) that he is white. Soul then switches the focus from race to something else...gender. He says "coming with lies to tell fairies(women) out of nowhere to help my selfish desires(sex)",Soul talks about how he deceived women into sleeping with him. "My life is about the vices(sin)" no explanation needed. Then he opens the first book of the bible and takes us to the garden if Eden. He talks about Adam,"If Eve never ate that apple he'd be mad sad",apple in this sense refers to Adam's sexual organs(the forbidden fruit),"and would've never pulled the leaves off of Eve and seen all that ass like a true man",Soul details how men use women as sex objects by using the example of himself and Adam and he says its "10 times harder fighting temptation". Men are tempted to feed their primal urges to have sex with women,but he is by no means defending men. Soul criticizes men by telling them that they bow down to pray to a man they don't understand (God) and get on one knee to propose to women(getting married without understanding the true meaning or purpose of marriage). Oh I love this part,"in grade school I learned about HIStory but what about HER story,did anybody ask?". In history women are not represented as much as they should and thus are overlooked in most cases. If it's not about the founding FATHERS,JFK,the first man on the moon, Martin Luther King,or Obama then it's rarely about women. "Tryna flower Queen Elizabeth",in a male run world it seems that in most cases the female power(Queen Elizabeth) is always shut down and dismantled(deflower). Soul says Genesis is the genealogy of Isis. With all that is going on around the world I can bet all my money that we all thought about the terrorist group ISIS...you know I'm right. But I think Soul is referring to the Egyptian goddess worshipped as the ideal MOTHER and WIFE. Isis is held in high regard and using her to symbolize Eve says a lot. "The chicken came before the egg"...uhm,hold that thought for now I'll explain that later. Soul goes back to HIStory when he talks about his ancestors picking cotton to their liberation from slavery today(Huey Knew) but we were so focussed on everything else that we forgot about speaking out on sexism because "the black man could vote before the women could". We sing hymns in church but what about the hers Soul asks with his witty wordplay. "Hilary Clinton tryna get ahead in the senate",Hilary was so close to making history as America's first female president the most powerful spot in the world,something that seemed like a dream at first but the fact that she didn't become president proves Soul's point even more on how the female power is always shut down. Soul says "getting head and I'm sinning"(female sex object theme). Men don't want to see a woman in power,they rather they cook,clean,pleasure them in bed...such a travesty don't you think? TESTIMONY OF THE PRIEST In mid-sermon, Ab-Soul takes a moment to talk about his sins as a man. The beginning of his testimony starts with Womanogany. In the song Soulo uses the imagery of Aphrodite (goddess of love,beauty,pleasure,and procreation) and her son Eros (god of desire,erotic love, attraction,and affection) and how they play tug of war with him. Aphrodite symbolizes genuine love while Eros symbolizes lust and thus Soul struggles between forming a genuine relationship with a woman and sleeping with a woman just for the sake of sleeping with her. This theme echoes throughout the hook that goes "I LIKE girls that's in LOVE with me". Soul manipulates women's attraction to him to please his sexual desires and confirms this when he says "gave her morning wood and rolled my wood in the morning" (one night stand). ScHoolboy Q's part on the hook "From the womb to the tomb nigga,keep that womb in that tomb nigga" is about some of the women aborting their babies(from the womb to the tomb) after Soul defiled them. A SINNER'S PRAYER The testimony continues as Soul details his calls for God's favor (an invocation) in the next song. Soul has been womanogamous(slept with so many women) and worries that his behavior might harm him as he symbolizes pussy as destructive and dangerous (Sexually Transmitted Infections). "That's why the wealthy need welfare",many affluent(wealthy) men have used their money for sexual favors and like Soul they fear for their health. In the hook Soul raps "He is I and I am Him" meaning he is a God...or rather God the Son(Jesus), symbolism he used heavily in "These Days...",and he also raps "I pray to Lord my soul's a G,if I O.D before I awake,I pray I ressurect on the third day". If you look closely at that line Ab is spelling out the word GOD,and also with the ressurection part he is praying it the Lord that he reaches a state of godliness and righteousness before he dies. Soul continues comparing himself to Jesus as people talk about him at barbershops and white kids wanting his autograph, his fame is spreading just like that of Christ, and like Christ he too is challenging the norms of his time. This prayer to God as I said is for Soul to be righteous and flee his sinful nature(sex). But like any recovering sinner he stumbles too as he says "Come suck Jesus'(Ab-Soul's) penis on Venus (desire)" going back to treating women as objects of sexual fulfilment. This is also relates to how women would want to satisfy Jesus in anyway they can(story of Mary Magdalene),the only difference her is that unlike Jesus who didn't seek sexual pleasure, Soul did. The Crowley and Jesus references go hand in hand because they also thought Jesus was spreading an evil doctrine although he was trying to enlighten people. Soul talks about "faith without the 'h' ",it is fait(fate) which is destiny...our destiny to go to "where the arc of the covenant is still" (Heaven). FELLOW SINNERS We move on from the struggling Ab-Soul and focus on his peers on Wifey vs. WiFi. This song is about Soul's friend,Riley. On verse 1 Riley gets arrested for possession of drugsdrugs and we hear the cell doors close on him. The hook is Riley reprimanding his girl(Wifey) for complain about missing her calls when he has to deal with matters of doing time in prison. In verse two Riley complains to Soul about his(Riley's) mother always arguing to him(most likely about his mistakes which lead him into prison), and calls her devil which Soul reacts to by telling Riley to "chill" and Riley continues to insult his mother(misogyny theme) by correlating the word "MOM" to it's corresponding numbers on the dial pad (666). Then we move on to Riley on the inside of prison,portrayed by BR3. This details Riley's survival on the inside of prison and somehow making many to send to his mother. He asks "why did I have to lose the case?" and continues "I feel like Biggie when he lost faith". Riley's life has been controlled by the system because of the life he chose(drug dealing,banging,etc). He has lost faith in having a better future and lost faith in God (although he reaped what he sowed). His life has spiraled and to top things off he suspects his girl is having sexual relations with other men. Riley chose the thug life which is about the masculinity that comes with street cred,and machismo which is evident in his disrespect of his mother and girlfriend. There's a Boondocks reference here. Huey the older brother is the activist fighting for civil rights of black men and Riley the younger brother is the one with an affinity for the thug life. But even with this difference they share one thing in common....they forget about the women. Riley aught to repent from his sinful ways like Soul but he doesn't. IT'S A SINNER'S WORLD Riley is saddened that he had to lose his case. But some sinners were luckier than Riley who are able to elude the clutches of prison. They are better off because they don't allow the system to send them off to every black man's perceived destiny (prison) so they beat the case like runaway slaves fleeing from their oppressors. But they're oblivious to the fact that their actions contribute to the control system. Straight Crooked sheds more light on the situation on people like Riley. "A prisoner's best asset is his liability (lie ability)",the criminals who beat their cases in the court room lied their way out of their situations and misleading the law enforcement (don't snitch). Ab calls the government a Muppet show or rather a joke of a system which is used to keep the black man from succeeding. Huey tries to break this system to give the black man equal opportunity to financially prosper but in failing to do so people like Riley resort to criminal activity to try and financial prosperity. All the efforts seem to be in vain. DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER Portishead In The Morning begins with Soul reviving his Jesus reference by calling himself a demigod (half human half god). Soul tells us he's "the brightest silver lining" and urges the converts at the service to not "make me take my light back". This sentence relates to one of Soul's lines "You can have all my shine I'll give you the light" as in the phrase "shed light"(knowledge/information). Like Jesus he tries to spread a message and urges listeners to withhold this knowledge which has been withheld from them by the system (forbidden knowledge). He asks congregants if they view him as man carrying a message(prophet) or think this is just Soul using a gimmick for financial gain(profit). They acknowledge his intellect but they tell him to dumb it down to gain greater appeal from the masses. Ab-Soul tests the male listeners in his sermon by asking a trick question: "Do you really wanna go to Heaven? Ain't no bitches mentioned". There are no female figures mentioned to be in heaven, all Angels that have been mentioned have been male, God is male,cherubs have various body parts with the head of a man. Soul paints a picture of divine sausage fest but the question is used to test the hearts of men, would they rather go to heaven or go to hell to fornicate as much as they want to. He references his song from Control System "Bohemian Grove" which is about the club of the same name which rejected women from joining, which it has been criticized for being misogynistic. In a way Soul's question is also sarcastic because he knows women are allowed in heaven(I ain't sexist,I'm inviting sisters too) so why doesn't the Grove do the same? Soul grabs the attention of atheists when he says the devil is a creation and not a creator and quotes the scientific law "energy is not created nor destroyed". God is energy because he is the uncreated creator. He uses science to prove the existence of God to the atheist converts. Describing the devil in an opposite way makes him less powerful and godlike and making him more inferior (Soul is not a satanist guys remember that). Soul ends with "God gotta be a thot". Let me explain, this song comes after two songs about sinners and criminals who have no problem in disrespecting women so this is where Soul addresses the misogynists in the room because God gave birth to Adam, thus making him a lifegiver meaning God is a female in that sense so by disrespecting the females you're nalso disrespecting God too. THOT is a term of disrespect for women so therefore if men call women thots(that.hoe.over.there) then you're pretty much calling God a that too....I hope you understood what I meant in that explanation. So when Soulo talks about the blood from your brain and beat rushing elsewhere (penis) and can't think and can't run(function) which is pretty much how men are when they are around these so called thots,they get horny and let their instincts drive them without thinking about what is it they are doing(which is defiling women),so this is Soul sort of asking you "you defile women,do you want to defile God too now?"(obviously the answer from the congregants at Soul's funeral should be no). Soul is teaching them a harsh lesson here to respect women. THE TRUTH IS SCARY Ab-Soul pretty much dropped a bombshell in the previous track which made way for the scary truth he spoke of earlier in the album which is God's A Girl...but it's more of a question from the congregants "Reverend are you really saying God's A Girl?". Some might think Soul contradicts himself,"you shit on us for calling women thots but you call them bitches",but Soul has stated in an interview with Soul that nowadays the term "bitch" is more of a term of endearment, kinda how men calk each other dawgs(dogs) so the female equivalent would be bitch. God's A Girl? is a second testimony by Soul. He starts by saying "you got me crying with a hard dick,I love you so much that I hate this shit",Ab trying to keep to his promise to refrain from his sexual urges says he cares about women that he hates the fact he has this urges in the first place, but then Soul reverts to sin when he says "come have sex with Jesus(Ab-Soul)" and "do your job" followed by a woman moaning during sex. He now uses women as sex objects again and being misogynistic again by telling the woman to do her job(sex). He thought he learned from his mistakes on Womanogamy but failed as he gives in to temptation. He shows the men he addressed in the previous song that "I too am not perfect so don't feel too ashamed when you also slip up". Soul raps "all I got is Goddess,I'm a heroine addict"......Soul becomes womanogamous again. The song pauses as Soul has a conversation and in the background we hear SZA's chorus on God's Reign...you do the math. In the second part of song,Soulo fell off way hard as he talks about going to rehab and the possibility that he might relapse(Soul's repentance and return to sin). He winds up acting like the rappers he addressed in RAW(backwards) as Soul raps about the "wack shit" too such as indulging in alcohol with peers,trying live recklessly like a rock star, getting fellatio in an expensive car and bragging about having more money than certain individuals. Towards the end Soulo contemplates his actions. "On the mountain top about to cry cause it gets so lonely up here",like any rise to fame it gets lonely at the top,he has the money but not the happiness. "Is anyone out there? Can anybody hear me?" is where he references his song from Longterm 2 of the same name where he raps about selling his soul and "Am I the next Shakur or an attention whore"...this is what Soul became,"I could save you with quotes"...this is what Soul needs to be again. This is the point of the song where he gets sense knocked into him and he realizes how much he's fallen and scrutinizes the world around him which is the "generation of complacency (self satisfaction)",the same world he became a part of for a moment. Soul vows to better himself to do the right thing when he puts his "right hand in the Bible with you". In his testimonies he has just revealed to us his demons and vows to try his best to change for the better and to leave his life of self satisfaction and misogyny. Now Jesus (Ab-Soul) goes back to his mission of trying to teach listeners. He raps "my ancestors came on a mother ship so I had to take it farther(father)". A child is born of the mother and lives under the rules and guidance of the father,Soul's ancestor(Adam) came on a mother ship(given birth by God) and lived under the rules of his father(also God). The song title is a question of whether God is a girl or not but the way Soulo puts it he is saying "Yes,God is a girl....but...he's also a man,so he's both" meaning God is equally male and female. This is a powerful revelation from Soul because what this teaches us is that even by divine law men and women are equal(the whole point of feminism). TAKE THE TRUTH AND EAT IT And Now You Know the scary truth Soul was hinting at in the beginning,the theory that the chicken(mother) came before the egg(child). At this point Soul knowing that this is a lot for you take in tells you to "try to relax". This track serves as a revision as Soul rreprises the line "I'm just a youngin' Del Amo"(Huey Knew),"cups with ices"(alcohol from God's A Girl?). Soul talks about being "miseducated, misled,misinterpreted, misunderstood, mistaken,misjudged" and a misfit causing mischieve. Majority of these words pretty much mean "I had things all wrong" and noting the "mis-" prefixes Soul is saying not only did he have women all wrong but also that he was doing them wrong. When he said "all you feminists should be on my dick for this shit" he meant they aught to be Stans (dickriders) for coming with a such a powerful and elaborate means of promoting feminism. Soul says he would change out the 'y' in mystery with an 'i' meaning that he is now figuring out women and what they want...which is to be treated as equals. He references the Bohemian Grove song intro. Thus reminding us of the objective of gender equality. Soul alludes to his conception in the womb as he talks about meiosis and mitosis (cell division) and floating through a body of water(sperm swimming in uterus) and says "And you know why I love my momma so much" is because his mother gave him life(God's A Girl) which hints the hook of the next song. At the end of the song Soul takes a misogynistic pledge which is basically a summary of his old self and also clarifying to the male listeners on what constitutes to misogyny. THE PAIN OF THE PRESENT D.R.U.G.S is a call for help from Soul. Soul talks about his personal and emotional issues and the pain he tries to take away with drugs. Mac sings "I can't help myself I think I need some help" but the only help present to Ab is his drugs which have become his crutches. Towards the end he says "Aderall Admiral give Danny credit",Aderall Admiral is a song by Danny Brown about the drug Aderall. It should be noted that at one point in time Danny went onto Twitter to vent about his internal pain telling people that he doesn't do drugs because it's cool,he does drugs becausenhe has problems in his life and Danny has hinted at suicidal tendencies on his song "30". Soul referencing Danny in such a way tells us that behind the calm shades lies a broken man as we see in the album cover. He openly asks us his "brethren" to alleviate his pain. Ab-Soul has been using the Jesus symbolism throughout the album,so this moment on D.R.U.G.S is reminiscent of Jesus crying during prayer asking God to free him from the suffering he'll endure during his trial and crucifixion. This is the moment in the Bible where Jesus shows that he too is human with fear and pain. Soul is human too with problems like anyone else even though he keeps his composure in the public eye. In the music video for this song Soul calls to check up on his mom(God) and says he'll be coming home soon. But in Soul's background we can see Jerusalem as he says he's coming home(Heaven). This means souls will be crucified for our sins(album art of These Days...) and ascend to heaven. Don't Ruin Us God Said is lyrical reference to Lupe Fiasco's song "They.Ressurect.Over.New" which Soul is featured on. This means Soul will die and rise again (his song Stigmata) into something new and transformed....or rather reincarnated(which is the theme of T.R.O.N) this could also be hinting at Andy Weir's short story called The Egg where God says we are all one entity living out different incarnations of ourselves also giving a secondary meaning to Ab-Soul's line "he is I and I am him,they ain't me and I ain't them" meaning we are all different incarnations but we are one. This theme of unity ties in with the feministic theme of the album of male and female equality or in spirit science terms: unity of male energy(logic and analytical thinking) and female energy (creativity and abstract thought),unity of yin and yang to find peace and thus reach nirvana, a place of no suffering. This is the penultimate conclusion of Tetsuo & Youth which life,death,reincarnation("proceed to the next level") and finally Nirvana. Tetsuo & Youth is the game and Do What Thou Wilt is our instruction manual to get us to nirvana. TRIBUTE TO THE DEAD Evil Genius is a memorial service of Alori Joh(Ab's deceased girlfriend). He gathers longtime Alori Joh collaborator and friend Javonté for the ceremony. Soul first talks about himself as the misunderstood "evil" genius although his motives are good and talks about how Alori would help Soul as a partner in crime and calls her an evil genius too because she understood Ab and his motives. In the hook Soul references the song "Let You Shine" by Alori which he referenced on "The Book Of Soul' too,plus he even samples the song on Evil Genius but the song is distorted and gives it a ghostly feel. The last time Alori was heard was on Section.80 and Control System and so this is like Alori's ghost ressurecting and Teedra Moses' voice which is eerily similar to Joh's indeed makes it seem like she is rising from the grave. On D.R.U.G.S,Soul has a void in his heart which only Joh would've been able to fill and thus Soul realizes even more how alone he is and starts to break down. A BISHOP'S TEARS On Lonely Soul reiterates how much he is misunderstood as he baffles people like the Baphomet. The Baphomet anatomy is all over the place and is confusing and misunderstood by onlookers but in the madness there is meaning,kinda like Soul's lyricism,but the only person who understood Soul is dead and gone and he feels out of place. He sulks in this song telling people to "Leave me (a)lone". He goes back to his crutch,drugs[lavender(purple kush) and pastel green(chronic)]. When he is asked "What happens after Control System?" he replies "the system controls me". The loss of Alori hit Soul so hard and it heavily accounts for his reckless nature in his testimonies stated above and how the depression he felt made him even more vulnerable to the system and sinning. He says "a coward killed my brother Georgiano and his momma"(the thug life/Riley). The loved ones around him are dying and adds on to his depression. The only person who could help was Alori. Soul is the male energy which is destructive in the absence of the female energy (Alori),emphasizing the importance of a woman in a man's life. Soul is the Black Lip Pastor and Alori was his priestess. Alori made "The Love Religion",an album full of live songs dedicated to Soul. In the absence of the priestess,The Black Lip Pastor now takes over The Love Religion and is about to minister to us what the law of this religion is....."Love is the law,love the only law" as SZA sings. Soul gains his composure at this point of the sermon. Ab revisits the past and in a way "The Law" can be seen as a bonus track for "The Love Religion". He talks about getting money to feed his female(Alori). "We are divided to restore the balance" and remember the song by Alori "Happy Medium ft. Ab-Soul" where the couple is engaged in argument(divided) and they make up after Soul says "You know I'm tryna make your family my in-laws". The song is nicely completed by Rhapsody as she says "we took him(men) to heaven where those golds and arcs are at" as a cherry on top to what Soul has been saying throughout the album in the importance of women in the lives of men and reaffirming that male energy cannot function without female energy. THE END OF THE SERMON YMF is Soul rapping up the sermon. The hook basically means that Soul is a sinner like everyone else and in a way states that we need love to get through life. Love for each other not only as blacks and whites,natives and foreigners, but also as men and women. "Another portions of the big picture that you'll leave out of the portrait that you will paint for me",Soul is the portrait,and the woman in his life is destined to finish the portrait and finally make Soul to be whole. God is love God is peace God is a man God is a girl Women are the missing piece of men needed to bring peace into their lives and as such should be treated with respect. Soul is a Young Mind Fuck who is misunderstood, waiting for a woman who'll understand him so Soul can be at peace in this lifetime and reach a state of Nirvana. At the end of the song God in His female personification brings light into this surround by darkness. I'm not sure if I'm 100% correct but one thing is for certain.... DWTW will go down in history as one of Soul's most powerful albums.

1 note · View note