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al1ce-pract1ce · 2 days

Text

long rant about my boyfriend

basically hes been add1cted to f3nt4nyl for 6 years and since the beginning of our relationship (together for a year) ive felt very responsible for his life. ive saved him from an 0d three times and have spent a lot of long nights and days watching him while he nods out to make sure he's still breathing. its fucked me up and tr4umatized me a lot, and ive spent a majority of this time dissociated, and i worry about him more than myself. on top of that, ive developed my own add1ct1on to coke, ive lost (as in theyve d1ed) two friends, my mother, and a childhood pet just in the last year, and now cps is involved in my family AGAIN, though i dont live with them right now but still spend a lot of time stressing about them and going over there to help them clean the biohazard of a house so they dont take away my little sister.

anyways back to my boyfriend, he rel4psed the day my mother d1ed, less than a month ago, and since then has been kicked out of his sober living home and rel4psing on and off. he hasnt been able to stay anywhere close to me, so i can only check up on him over the phone. ive already had two false alarms in which i sent an ambulance to where he was at thinking he was 0verd0sing. i literally have zero space in my brain to worry about myself and trying to work through the steaming shit pile of tr4umas ive experienced in the last year. on top of that, we're both struggling with r3str1ct1ve 3ds right now and as you may already know it hasnt been easy. not to mention he goes through a lot more than his add1ction too. he has his own horrifying set of tr4umas that affect him every day, is currently struggling with feeling pressured by his family to detransition (his family is very religious and very horrible to him. extremely homophobic and transphobic evil people.) which literally tears him apart and makes him su1c1dal, and is homeless at the moment which comes with a new horror story every single day. both of us are going through the worst times of our lives, and are so intertwined with each other we are both taking on the other's problems and stressors. we are constantly dealing with DOUBLE the steaming piles of shit every day, not to mention just general worry that the other is going to comm1t su1c1de, or just in my case about him, 0verd0se and d1e.

point is, today me and my boyfriend decided to take a break. neither of us have the time or energy to be worrying about each other as much as we are, me specifically because i literally feel like i am responsible for his life, and given that he uses f3nt4nyl, the possibility of him dy1ng is way too real for me to pin it on myself god forbid it happens. tomorrow he leaves for a 2 week detox, so its a perfect time to start because i wont have to worry about him dy1ng at all. its likely going to go on longer than that though but he promised me he wont d1e. hopefully by the end of the break i will have accepted that his life is not in my hands, and if he loses his battle with add1ct1on, it is not my fault. all i can do is love and support him, and do just what i can to keep him safe, rather than throwing away my own life to babysit him and his addiction.

now, god bless him because he's very accepting and understanding of all these things and never gets annoyed at me for them, but when he uses i literally call him every 15 minutes to make sure he isnt 0verd0sing, because one of his 0verd0ses somehow happened hours after he last used. my brain is on a 15 minute clock. i dont even have to check the time to know the 15 minutes has passed and its time to call him. the last thing i think about before falling asleep is what if he 0verd0ses and d1es while im asleep. every day i'll wake up in a panic and the first thing i do is call him to make sure he's alive. if at any time even he doesnt answer the phone during the first few rings, my stomach drops. if he doesnt answer at all, i immediately start having a panic attack. these things are most intense when hes using, but my paranoia finds away to make these things real even when he's sober. if im with him while hes using, i watch his chest rise while he nods out/sleeps to make sure he doesnt stop breathing. i stay up all night watching him sleep, and take naps during the day while he goes a few hours without using. i spend ALL of my time making sure hes okay, mostly when hes actively using, and its just not my job or responsibility. i dont need or deserve to suffer like this. 99% of the time i do it all for nothing. hes 0verd0sed about 1% of the time that im worried hes overdosing. i just convince myself that the one time i dont check or dont worry or believe everything is fine is gonna be the one time its already too late, and that fear is enough to drive me to this. (shout out ocd! i hate you ♡)

so yeah, we are taking a break. wish me luck and thank you for reading

#poisoned molly

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