QUEER EYE TRANSCRIPT: S3 E9; KANSAS CITY
Sam, Brother
Why did I nominate Dean? [Laughs] Why didn’t I earlier, that’s the real question.
[Interior, Car]
Jonathan
Saddle up, boys! This week we are paying a visit to a stunning newlywed couple—
Antoni
Ooooooh!
Jonathan
— who live in the quaint suburb of Lawrence, Kansas.
Bobby
I dated a Lawrence from Kansas once.
[Interior, Living room]
Castiel
How did Dean and I meet? [Pause] I rescued him.
[Offscreen] Are you a... firefighter?
Castiel
No.
[Car, interior]
Jonathan
Our nominee this week is one Dean Novak, and honey — look at this photo. Look at it. I know. I know!
Tan
[Fanning himself]
Jonathan
He’s 41 years old, newly retired from the family business, and looking forward to the next big thing.
Karamo
“Family business” — what does that mean?
Jonathan
It doesn’t say.
Antoni
That means the mob.
[Others, as one]
Whoaaaaaaa!
Jonathan
It’s not the mob, it was his daddy’s business which has now shut down and now he and hubby are like puttering around their converted bachelor pad—
Bobby
[Grimacing like Chrissy Teigan]
Jonathan
He was nominated by his brother, Sam, who is eight thousand feet tall—
[Slow pan out: legs going on forever. Close up on Sam, whose hair also goes on forever.]
Jonathan
—and who owns the local bar down the street from where Dean lives.
Bobby
Cute!
Jonathan
Dean can usually be found in the same clothes every day: jeans, hiking boots, and a flannel shirt—
Tan
Not cute.
Jonathan
— unless he’s borrowing his husband’s suits.
Bobby, again
Cute!
Tan
No! I mean, obviously yes, adorbs, but why doesn’t he have his own suit?!
[Exterior, warehouse]
Dean
Yeah, the brewery’s called the Family Business. That was Cas’ idea. Of a joke. He’s got a specific sense of humor: which is to say none. But good [redacted] comes with a price.
[Dean grins. The camera shakes, slightly]
[Car, interior]
Jonathan
He’s starting his own brewery —
Karamo
Ohhh, the brother owning a bar makes sense now!
Jonathan
— and he’s got a supes important launch this Friday to celebrate the first shipment going out. He’s gonna have press! He’s gonna have celeb invites! He’s gonna have straight men confused about their sexuality!
Antony
Hell yeah!
.
[Opening Theme Song]
.
[Exterior, a dilapidated farm off county road]
Karamo
Uhhhhh, so who else is getting haunted house vibes?
Dean
[Overwhelmed]
Uh, hey, I’m Dean Winchester.
Jonathan
[Scooby Doo noise] Winchester?
Dean
Maiden name.
Castiel
He’s a Novak now. Aren’t you, beloved?
Jonathan
[Unintelligible noise]
Tan
Oh, I’ve got an aunt who lives in Winchester!
Bobby
My dad had a couple rifles named Winchester.
Dean, to Cas
[Pointing to Bobby]
I like this one.
Tan
[Throws open the closet to reveal a stockpile of guns to rival a militia]
Oh my word.
Dean
[Shuts door. Smiles.]
That’s private, sweetheart.
Tan
Dean, this is a closet. Where your clothes are meant to go.
Dean
[Laughing]
Tan
Where are all your clothes, Dean?! Show me.
[Interior, kitchen. There are two doors. Tan opens one, incredulously, relieved when it turns out to be a pantry. He opens the other to reveal a closet full of plaid]
Tan
[Taking a moment. Pressing his hands to his nose.]
Why are your clothes in the pantry, Dean?
Dean
That one’s the pantry. That’s the closet. [Grinning at Tan’s expression.] Just fucking with you, man. No, for real, space is tight, you know? We’re big boys. And Cas’ son and daughter live with us too. You wouldn’t believe the amount of clothes that Jack has.
Tan
Wait, what? You have— boys get in here!
Karamo
[Enters kitchen in cowboy boots, a stetson, and a hip holster]
What’s up?
Tan
Did we know they have two kids? Why wasn’t that in the notes?
Karamo
Hold up, y’all have kids? Two kids? [Fist bumps Castiel, who looks pleased]
Jonathan
So this is a DILF situation. I see, I see.
Tan
This changes things for me. I totally get it — being a parent, you have to make sacrifices.
Dean
Yeah, exactly. And it’s not like we’re big fashionistas. Cas used to wear the same suit every day for a few years.
Tan
[Looking pained]
.
[Interior, bathroom]
Jonathan
So I will be doing this with Dean later, but he’s having a heart to heart with Karamo right now and I am dy-ing to discover the secrets of your dewy skin.
[Opens medicine cabinet. It’s empty, save for toothpaste.]
Okay. Good. Good, yes, oral hygiene!
[Looks in shower. There is a bottle of two in one shampoo and bar soap. The bathroom is otherwise empty.]
This isn’t the guest bathroom, is it?
Castiel
This is our bathroom. The kids share the one down the hall.
Jonathan
Okay. Okay. Yes, minimalist! I mean, clearly you’re doing something right since you look like — this. So. Just for my own edification: walk me through your morning routine.
Castiel
I brush my teeth.
Jonathan
[Waiting]
Castiel
I shower too.
Jonathan
[Wiping forehead]
Yes, get in that shower! Get clean! Anything else? Spare no detail! Imagine I’m you: yea high, piercing blue eyes, just woke up my hunk of a husband with a morning surprise—
Castiel
Actually, Dean is the one who likes surprising.
Jonathan
[Redacted]
.
[Exterior, porch]
Karamo
So, Dean… you’ve got a great place here, man.
Dean
Yeah, we really do.
Karamo
It seems like y’all put a lot of effort into it.
Dean
Yeah, well… living on the road for so long, you know? When you finally put down roots it’s like… you kinda go all out.
Karamo
I bet. How long were y’all moving around for?
Dean
I mean, Sammy and I grew up on the road so like, what — thirty years?
Karamo
Wow.
Dean
Yeah, I— yeah.
Karamo
So you think this is your way of creating the home you never had for your kids?
Dean
[Stares]
Karamo
Sorry, man, I can’t help it. When you’ve only got a hammer, you know…
Dean
No, I know. Look, you’re not wrong. My dad wasn’t … real interested in that kinda thing, you know? Just trying to do better for my kids than what he did for me.
Karamo
I mean, that’s all we can do, right?
.
[Interior]
Bobby
So let me preface this by saying I usually have this conversation with the candidate themself, but Dean said to “ask Cas about that shit.”
Cas
Dean dislikes introspection.
Bobby
Okay, but — okay. Anyhow! I don’t hate how this place is designed. It’s very country chic — lots of light — it’s very homey.
Cas
[Pleased]
Bobby
It seems like that’s important to you. That’s good. So before I start, I want to ask: is there anything on your wishlist that you want me to know?
Cas
Dean likes cowboys.
Bobby
[Clutching shower curtain for support]
.
[Interior, living room]
Jonathan
[In old trucker cap, three layers of flannel, and three gun holsters]
I just have to ask, because I am, like, the hugest true crime junkie—
Dean
The Winchester thing?
Jonathan
Yes! Do you get this a lot? Not to rummage through your family drawers affairs with my little hands, but are y’all—
Dean
Related? Our uncles. Kind of a sore spot. We don’t really talk about it.
.
[Cut away]
Jonathan
Serial. Killer. Uncles. So sexy, right? No? Oh, I’m alone in this?
.
[Interior, cafe]
Karamo
So I wanted to talk to y’all about Dean. Your— dad’s partner?
Claire
Our stepdad.
Karamo
Cool. So I’ve been spending a lot of time with your stepdad this week and let me tell you — he’s the real deal.
Claire
He’s okay, I guess. For an old man.
Jack
Don’t listen to her. She cried when he drove her to enroll at community college.
Karamo
[Leaning away from Claire’s glare]
Really?
Jack
Not as much as Dean cried, though.
.
[Exterior, porch]
Karamo
So listen, I gotta ask this in every episode, but — what is it you want to get from this gala tomorrow?
Dean
Listen, man. I ain’t a role model, you know? I’ve done some shit in my past life. And I tried the white picket fence thing before and it didn’t work out.
Karamo
I can appreciate that.
Dean
I just don’t wanna fuck it up this time.
Karamo
Did you ever consider… that it didn’t work because it wasn’t with the right person?
Dean
No, I— [clears throat] Actually, no. Never. I always assumed it was my fault.
Karamo
After knowing you for three days, man, I gotta say that doesn’t surprise me.
[Both laugh]
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