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tgcg · 4 months

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ill break your shit adam

warning for adult lang

fuck you adam sandler

youre lucky karkat likes you

stupid fuck sees an amnesiac girl

and asks her can i marry you

that lady got issues mentally

you still down to do shit anally

deplorable zit on the ass of romanza

karkat told me to put that shit in this stanza

do raps even count as having stanzas

slam poetry tyke at preschool im no manza

youd probably jack it to a log with holes if they were wet ones

sitting on that stupid dock with her papa cracking cold ones

piece of shit id push you off that dock and watch you bubbling

kick your ass like her shitty bro failed when you were troubling

penguins dont quack like fucking ducks you dumbass

thats not part of the rap i just think that youre a dumbass

back to the rap sandler i bet you couldnt drop a single bar

too busy picking up stupid women at the stupid women bar

who even let you into hawaii

also did i say karkat liked you i was kidding he wants to kick your heinie

seriously watching that shit again made him start slamming his head into the cushions and screaming i had to pry them out his hands and he almost bit me

sorry i forgot i was rapping again

piece of shit forgot that you can like women while dating other men

still not over that chuck and larry shit adam

if you just said to the gov you were bi you coulda had em

firefighter of the year? well try putting out this heat

karkats gonna beat your ass like you do every night to your meat

gotta ask is this shit wish fulfilment for you

gotta say larry deserved better than you

i could treat him way better than you not in a gay way though

i just mean youre a massive sleaze basically the worlds shittiest bro

back to 50 first dates man sandler your shit is a bore

the stupid bits with schneider got my ass addicted to snore

if i was that stupid walrus id tear your ass to shreds

if i was that penguin i would also tear your ass to shreds

itd be harder but id still do it

bro fuck adam sandler im through it

===

TT: Wow. Bravo, Dave. You've outdone yourself.

TG: i wrote this one exceptionally fucking terrible to represent my inner darkness

TG: i can never unwatch those cinematic fossilized turds theyre like time capsules devoted to everything wrong with america

TG: you dont even understand how egregious that was

TT: I can sense the utter malaise and contempt in every word. It's beautiful.

TT: One particularly interesting point I'd like to make is the fact that you managed to refer to butts in a song about a male target, 10 times in the span of 37 lines. It's not an exorbitant amount, but it appears to be a running theme in your works. Very interesting, if you ask me --

TG: nooooo

TG: nope no

TG: not this shit again

TG: listen one of them is karkats fault

===

CG: ROSE, YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S DOING HERE AT ALL.

TT: No? Please, enlighten me Karkat.

CG: GLADLY.

CG: HE STARTS OUT WITH THE FRIGGIN WORD "ANAL" PRECEDING ALL OF THE OTHER MENTIONS, OF COURSE IT'S ON PURPOSE. IT INSTILLS THAT IMAGERY IN YOUR NUGBONE THROUGHOUT THE TRACK.

CG: AND YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED A RECURRING USE OF THE WORD "SHIT", IN TANDEM. BOG-STANDARD FOR DAVE, RIGHT? NO! IT'S PART OF THE EFFECT!

CG: MY THESIS: ADAM SANDLER MOVIES ARE PIECES OF ABSOLUTE SHIT AND THE REFERENCES TO WORDS LIKE "LOG" AND "SHIT" AND "ASS" ARE TO INVOKE THE SENSE OF TAKING A MASSIVE DUMP THROUGHOUT THE SPAN OF THE RAP, WHICH BY ALL MEANS WOULD BE AN EQUAL OR GREATER USE OF YOUR TIME THAN WATCHING THOSE MOVIES.

CG: RIGHT, DAVE?

TG: … yeah

TT: Okay, I'm willing to concede to that. On this subject matter, as an avid terrible movie enjoyer, you admittedly know better than myself.

CG: SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

TT: And you love them anyways.

CG: YEAH.

TG: hes right

TG: you hear that shit hes right

TG: fuck death of the author im verifying that interpretation

#davekat #dave strider #karkat vantas #rose lalonde #homestuck #made with instrumentals of ether by nas in mind #posting early bc im impatient #comix

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rivkae-winters · 7 days

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Warning for criticism and what I’d consider some harsh to outright mean words:

So I’ve just been made aware of the project known of as ‘lore.fm’ and I’m not a fan for multiple reasons. For one this ‘accessibility’ tool complicates the process of essentially just using a screen reader (something native to all I phones specifically because this is a proposed IOS app) in utterly needless and inaccessible ways. From what I have been seeing on Reddit they have been shielding themselves (or fans of the project have been defending them) with this claim of being an accessibility tool as well to which is infuriating for so many reasons.

I plan to make a longer post explaining why this is a terrible idea later but I’ll keep it short for tonight with my main three criticisms and a few extras:

1. Your service requires people to copy a url for a fic then open your app then paste it into your app and click a button then wait for your audio to be prepared to use. This is needlessly complicating a process that exists on IOS already and can be done IN BROWSER using an overlay that you can fully control the placement of.

2. This is potentially killing your own fandom if it catches on with the proposed target market of xreader smut enjoyers because of only needing the link as mentioned above. You don’t have to open a fic to get a link this the author may potentially not even get any hits much less any other feedback. At least when you download a pdf you leave a hit: the download button is on the page with the fic for a reason. Fandom is a self sustaining eco system and many authors get discouraged and post less/even stop writing all together if they get low interaction.

3. Maybe we shouldn’t put something marketed as turning smut fanfic into audio books on the IOS App Store right now. Maybe with KOSA that’s a bad idea? Just maybe? Sarcasm aside we could see fan fiction be under even more legal threat if minors use this to listen to the content we know they all consume via sites like ao3 (even if we ask them not to) and are caught with it. Auditory content has historically been considered much more obscene/inappropriate than written content: this is a recipe for a disaster and more internet regulations we are trying to avoid.

I also have many issues with the fact that this is obviously redistributing fanfiction (thus violating the copyright we hold over our words and our plots) and removing control the author should have over their content and digital footprint. Then there is the fact that even though the creator on TikTok SAYS you can email to have your fic ‘excluded’ based on the way the demo works (pasting a link) I’m gonna assume that’s just to cover her ass/is utter bullshit. I know that’s harsh but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s probably a duck.

I am all for women in stem- I’ve BEEN a woman in Stem- but this is not a cool girl boss moment. This is someone naive enough to think this will go over well at best or many other things (security risks especially) at worst.

In conclusion for tonight: I hope this person is a troll but there is enough hype and enough paid for web domains that I don’t think that’s the case. There are a litany of reasons every fanfic reader and writer should be against something like this existing and I’ll outline them all in several other posts later.

Do not email their opt out email address there is no saying what is actually happening with that data and it is simply not worth the risks it could bring up. I hate treating seemingly well meaning people like potential cyber criminals but I’ve seen enough shit by now that it’s better to be safe than sorry. You’re much safer just locking all your fics to account only. I haven’t yet but I may in the future if that is the only option.

If anyone wants a screen reader tutorial and a walk through of my free favorites as well as the native IOS screen reader I can post that later as well. Sorry for the heavy content I know it’s not my normal fare.

#it’s especially insulting the way this is marketed as solving a problem when the solution already exists #ableism #lore.fm #terrible app ideas that shouldn’t happen #serious #accessibility #screen readers #lore.fm should not launch #accessibility tools that are inherently ableist in design #I wish I was making this up

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diogxnxs · 5 months

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Quackity-Quack Quack!

It's okay if we don't like everything about a piece of fiction you enjoy.

It doesn't mean you don't enjoy it anymore or you hate it. It's just that you don't like a part of it. I myself enjoy Ducktales (2017) and The Legend of the Three Caballeros but there were still a lot of things there I didn't like. And that's okay.

I'm just an angry white duck enjoyer.

#thoughts

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princejiu · 11 months

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Just Florida Things | Huh Yunjin

Match : Yunjin x Farmer Fem!reader

Disclaimer: I want this to be more of a humor post, but it just ended up more sappy than I wanted to....oh well. I'll probably make a part two if this post is well liked. We shall see.

Warnings : Alligators, near death experience, Florida, Cussing

Summary : You're a simp and a dumbass, but Yunjin loves you anyways, and you love her so much that you were willing to save her asshole of a son.

It was hot.

The Florida sun was making you sweat in place where no one should sweat. The temperature combined with labor work was killing you from the outside in. You and Yunjin did as much as you could to cool down, but, unfortunately, for the both of you, that would have to be much later. It was your top priority as ranch owners to prevent the animals from overheating, which automatically meant that you and Yunjin spent more time running around outside than inside with Air Conditioner.

Despite the monstrosity of the temperature, you couldn't deny how gorgeous Yunjin looked. Her rose cheeks, along with the coat of sweat on her skin combined with the sunlight, resulted in her glowing beautifully. However you felt disgusting, the sweat that made your clothes stick to your body wasn't the most enjoyable feeling, but that was expected when it came to working in the sun.

You carried two large buckets filled with milk, traveling from one barn to another. Trailing right behind you were Donnie and Daisy, Yunjin's ducks that you gifted her for her birthday. It's already been two years since you got them, and in those two years, you can guarantee that Daisy was your favorite, an absolute sweetheart if you do say so yourself.

Donnie, on the other hand, was a complete asshole. Always nipping at your ankle when he could, laughing at your misfortune. You also hated him most when Yunjin was around. When she was around, he suddenly became nice. No more nipping, no more laughing, you never wanted to roast a duck more than ever. The fakeness is what angers you, a jerk with no eyes on him and then a darling when there are.

A mama's boy at its finest.

On your journey, you see a tall figure near the pigs pen, and there was only one other person on the ranch who was willing to tend to the pigs. "Yunjinie!" Yunjin turned from the pigs to the sound of her name, when she saw you her body beamed with happiness. Yunjin left her spot from the pigs, looking forward to being accompanied by your presence.

Before she could get anywhere near you, Donnie left your side, running to Yunjin. You couldn't help but send imaginary daggers to the duck as always. He had to steal Yunjin's attention from you. You weren't jealous of the duck, you just didn't like the fact that he got your lover's attention when it could be all on you...okay, maybe you were a little jealous, so what.

A small quack snapped you out of your murderous thoughts. You looked down to your side to see Daisy. She opted to stay by your side when Donnie went to soak in the attention his mother gave him. "Get your boyfriend away from my future wife before I turn him into a roast duck." Daisy took your words seriously. You were hardly the type to make false promises, especially when it came to Yunjin, the hen didn't want to risk her, 'boyfriend' from being coming your next meal.

You watched as Daisy waddled towards Donnie, directing him away from Yunjin to the pigs instead. The drake also had a knack to annoy the other animals at the ranch. They all hated him. Different life, different forms of living, but you and your animals can all agree that Donnie was a piece of dirt and was only safe because of Yunjin.

After her small pit stop, Yunjin continued her way to you by the time she reached you, and you managed to set the buckets down. Lifting you up into the air, arms around your waist, while your legs wrapped around her mid-section and arms resting comfortably on her shoulders.

"Hi, baby." Yunjin greeted, her head thrown back to get a good view of your face. Between the two of you, Yunjin was the taller one, but your strength made up for the lack of height. "Hello, darling. How's your day been?"

"Great, now that I get to see you."

You rolled your eyes at the sappy line, but you loved it nonetheless. "And the animals?" Everyone on the ranch had their two sets of animals to attend to. You took care of the cows and goats while Yunjin took care of the pigs and chickens.

"Not too bad. I fed the chickens and gathered the eggs, I just had to refill the pigs water bucket. But, I'm free now. Oh, before I forget, Kazuha took care of the horses and sheep already. She's just waiting on us inside." Kazuha, Yunjin's best friend from high school. She worked at the ranch, too. She loved animals, especially horses, so you and Yunjin often gave her tasks regarding the horses. The sheep were just an extra task to make every person's chore equal.

Kazuha was a great worker and a great friend. It wasn't hard to be around her. You actually enjoyed her company when you needed some extra strength when it came to the heavy lifting. Kazuha had no problem with it due to the benefits she gained from the physical work, such as the muscles. In Kazuha words, the muscles helps her, "get bitches." You didn't even try to deny her statement, seeing first hand how Yunjin had to save Kazuha from a crowd of girls at the club one night.

You and Yunjin exchanged smiles, "Why don't you go inside and join her. I'll feed the cows and lock everything up." Yunjin was going oppose. You knew that. Pressing your lips against hers, enjoying each other's presence before having to separate once again. "Go, you've already done so much today."

Staring into her eyes, hypnotizing you to never let go. "Are you sure?" You leaned closer, inches away from her face. "Positive. Now go shower, eat and relax, I'll be with you soon." She sighed but pursued, she gave you a small goodbye kiss before taking her leave.

The house wasn't that far from the ranch, less than a mile. It was a good walking distance that the truck wasn't needed most of the time. It was also a good distance from the stench of the ranch. A heavy breath escaped your lips and watched as Yunjin got further and further away from you.

You picked the buckets back up to resume your task, once you tackle this chore you'll be halfway done for the day. You continued your way to the cow barn, Yunjin on your mind.

You placed the handle of the bucket on the hook that stuck out of the small wooden fence and took a step back. Whistling to call the newly addition to the ranch, a small calf came running, stopping right before it could roughly collide head first into the fence. You took the time to carefully guide it to drink properly. It wasn't long until the calf was done.

Turning 180, another calf stared at you, more specifically the filled bucket in your hand. It was stuck behind its own fence, so there was no way for it to come running towards you. Though this calf looked innocent, you were no fool. That sucker is a maniac. You slowly approached the other calf, "Patience, boy."

It was a warning, but you had an inkling that the young calf wouldn't listen. You placed your hand on his head, petting him slightly. Instinctively pulling the bucket away when he tried to launch his head to get a slip of the liquid inside.

"What did I say. Wait, and then you'll get your milk."

He let out a small huff. You looked at his mama, who laid in the hay. She stared at you as of saying, "He's your problem right now." You scoffed for being the person to take care of all these animals. They were pretty sassy to you. "No respect from you animals." A collective moo rang through the barn, rolling your eyes. You knew that you won't be winning against these cows anytime soon.

Back to the job at hand, you hooked the bucket, and instantly, the calf shoved his entire head into the bucket, "God Damn it, Butters!" The milk went all the way up to his ears. You were sure half of the milk spilled onto the ground. Butters brought his head to the surface to blow out the milk from his nose before shoving his head back in.

You waited for him to be done and quickly grabbed the bucket before he could knock it down due to the lack of milk. Even baby animals have their temper tantrums when they don't get what they want. You grabbed the other bucket across and left, yelling an apology to the mama when her child began to whine and stomp.

It didn't take long to lock up everything else on the ranch, but all you needed to do was get Donnie and Daisy back to their nest by the pond. The ranch originally didn't have a pond. It had to be custom made by you and Kazuha' sister, Sakura, who also happens to be the owner of a construction company.

There was a swamp near the horses, but Yunjin didn't want the ducks to fight off any predators that may linger in the murkey water. So, she made sure to have a metal gate installed to separate the swamp from the ranch. No predators could come in, and none of the animals can escape, there hasn't been any incidents so far, but you never know.

You walked around the ranch searching for the duck duo. You haven't seen them since you were with Yunjin, and that was 30 minutes ago. You weren't too worried as they never went too far from where you or Yunjin could be. But, you couldn't let them be wandering on their own at night.

"Donnie!" No answer, and usually that little shit always answered. "Daisy!" You didn't hear anything for a while, but you kept going. It felt like you were walking endlessly. You checked the cows, the pigs, the sheeps and the chickens. But, there was one place you didn't check yet. The horses stables were usually secured after Kazuha was done with them, so you didn't really see the need to check whether they were locked in their stalls.

However, you still needed to check if Donnie and Daisy were anywhere near the horses, nothing. You didn't see them even as you circled around the barn. You were about to call Kazuha for help, but a distance quack reached your ears. Then came more, there was loud noises that consisted of water being thrashed around and wings flapping.

Following the sound, it began to get louder and louder. Worry settled in when you realized you were heading towards the swamp. The heavy pounding in your chest was making it harder for you to focus. What you saw was not a sight for sore eyes, Daisy was quacking at the swamp, her wings flapping rapidly but wasn't going anywhere. You viewed in onto what she was alarming at that's when you saw an alligator snap its jaws at Donnie, but the bird dodged the attack by flying backward.

You didn't understand why they just didn't run or fly away from the alligator, but knowing Donnie, he was probably too prideful to run. He got that from his mother. You didn't dare to cross the fence. The birds had a better chance of escaping the dangerous situation than you. One, they could fly away, and you couldn't. It was also known that alligators could run and that you would rather not take your chances of outrunning an alligator.

"Yah! Donnie! Daisy! Run! Fly! Whatever just get the fuck away from that bitch!"

At this point, it was no use. The dumbass duo weren't gonna run or fly or use anything to get away from the apex predator. You considered leaving and letting the alligator do its business, but guilt smacked you right in the face and told you to stay.

These were Yunjin's children for sakes. If she lost them, there was no doubt that she would be devastated. And you couldn't have that. You always did your best to make sure Yunjin was happy and well in nearly every state that existed, from mental to physical. Isn't that what you're supposed to do for the love of your life? To do whatever it takes to make sure that they lived a life , happiness, and love.

That was your definition of love, at least.

Once the alligator got to close to Yunjin's children for your liking, so you did what any Florida born would do when anything, even if it's an apex predator, tries to take something of yours. You hopped the fence and tackled the alligator. It wasn't too large. At least 4 foot long, but its length didn't deodorize its strength.

You were on its back, arms locked around its neck with your legs gripping its middle. The chances of you making it out alive were 5 to 10. You gave yourself some credit. You had the strength of a horse from the amount of labor you've done around the ranch. You were willing to take the odds of winning this fight.

The alligator tried its best to wiggle you off but couldn't. You did your best not to let it drag you into the water. A painful scream left your lips when a sharp feeling pierced your left shoulder. You didn't know how long you've been fighting for, but you couldn't hold out for much longer.

You grunted as the alligator continued to flick his body around, you were trying to think of ways to get out of this situation but it hard considering you had to use your strength and brain at the same time. A loud bang rang through the ranch. In shock, your head snapped up, and grip loosened.

It seems the alligator took its time to get away. It threw you off its back and crawled into the swamp. But, unfortunately, for the alligator, a couple more shots were fired, and every single one struck the alligator. The reptile's body began to slowly sink into the water, disappearing from your sight. You picked yourself up, ran, and hopped the fence, putting as much distance between you and the swamp that apparently held alligators. You didn't even notice the ducks following you due to your tunnel vision.

You looked at your two heroes, scandalized. "Did you know there were alligators in that swamp!? I didn't know!? Did you know?!" You were full on panicking, you just wrestled an fuckin alligator, what the hell were you thinking?

Kazuha stepped out of the truck from the driver's side. Yunjin lowered her gun when she realized the alligator wasn't coming back. They both stared at you for a good moment, watching you gather your thoughts in a non-calm collective way. When you managed to catch your breath, grunting when you felt a body collide with yours.

"You fuckin idiot! You could have died!"

While Yunjin was yelling her head off, Kazuha took the time to gather the ducks and put them in the truck. When Yunjin was done, you both had a staring contest, neither knew what to say. One of you was a dumbass and the other loved the said dumbass. Yunjin did what she knew best, she gather you in her arms and squeezed you tight. Choking back a sob when she realized that she could've lost you completely.

But, you were safe and alive and....stupid.

Yunjin didn't speak a word to you after pulling away, but she definitely kept you close. She guided you to the truck where Kazuha was waiting with a first aid kit. Wordlessly, the two patched you up. There was minimum blood leaking out of your wound, but they did their best to stop the bleeding for the meantime. The only things that could be heard were the wind blowing and the ducks shuffling in the front seat here and there.

Kazuha patted your head once she was done, "We still have to take you to the hospital to get it looked it. Thankfully, it doesn't look like a bite, more so of a scratch. But, the amount of dirty that has entered the wound needs to be cleaned properly to prevent an infection." You nod, giving a thankful smile. Yunjin joined you in the backseat as Kazuha hopped in the front.

The Japanese's knowledge of your wound wasn't surprising. Her dad was a nurse, so he must've taught her some things growing up. Yunjin laced her fingers with yours, still giving you the silent treatment, but you didn't push her to talk to you. You were just glad that she didn't push you away. You tucked your head into her neck. The scent of apple wood entered your nose. It was your favorite, and Yunjin knew that.

You lifted your head slightly, and your lips inches away from her ear. "I'm never going to leave, I promised you that day that nothing would take me for you. I would fight with every bit of my strength to come back home to you." Yunjin looked at you, tears in her eyes. She caressed your jaw with her thumb, connecting her lips with yours.

"I'll protect you with all my heart, but I need you to keep fighting so that I can come to your rescue. I love you, Y/n. I'll kill anything that tries to take you away from me."

Two promises were sealed that day, and the keepers were determined to uphold those promises until death.

#yunjin x reader #yunjin imagines #yunjin x fem reader #le serrafim scenarios #le serrafim imagines #huh yunjin #huh yunjin x reader #le sserafim #yunjin

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picory · 2 years

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no way. i don't even talk about the game that much wahahahah nice

#eastward enjoyers population: me #i'd love to draw more fan art for it though at some point #quacks #ALSO BOUNTY IN THE TOP POSTS EHEHE

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queeniesretrozone · 6 months

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(idk if I've made a post about this already lol)

I have finally decided what to do with Eleanor!

DuckTales '17 OC! (might design a version of her for either '87 DT or Quack Pack idk)

Elenor Crackshell Cabrera is Fenton's 16 year old younger sister!

facts about Ellie:

she's VERY interested in cryptozoology (the study of cryptids) and mythical creatures

very outgoing (although not as much as Webby is)

keeps the secret of Fenton's life as Gizmoduck even though she doesn't have to (when she found out she was very excited)

her and Fenton have several nicknames for each other

loves hanging out with the triplets, Webby and Lena (I'd add Violet too but I haven't gotten a chance to watch her episodes yet so idk what she's like personality-wise)

similar to Dewey she wants to find out what happened to her and Fenton's dad

has misophonia (like me! I think I have it? idk lol)

enjoyer of vintage and older music (especially the possible calisota/duckberg-verse equivalent of The Beatles)

dislikes Mark as much as Scrooge and Glomgold do

kinda sassy but mostly only around The Mcduck residents, Fenton & Gyro

(ill make a sequel post soon with more facts and her design!)

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disneynerdpumpkin · 7 months

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Look at him 🥰

LOOK AT HIM OHMYGOODNESS

This precious little child

My blorbo ❤️

I love him sm

He's so sweet and innocent <3

We must protect him at all costs

~O~O~O~

I have so many headcanons lol

And for your enjoyment I will list some of them:

o His favorite food is chicken gnocchi w/cheese and basil sauce

o His favorite toys that his father's given him are a teddy bear (which he named "Mr. Cuddles") and a pull-along wooden duck that quacks as it moves. 🧸🦆

o (this technically is canon but idc) He is extremely ticklish. And Geppetto uses this to his advantage and he has tickle fights with him often.

o He really likes pancakes drizzled with honey, w/fresh fruits and powdered sugar for breakfast 🍯🍓🥞

o His favorite hobbies are playing outdoors, reading, drawing (which tbh I think he'd be really good at), and spending time with his father 🥰

o Pinocchio is baby <3 that's it. That's the headcanon. (Which is canon anyway, but just reminding ya'll)

o His fav candy is saltwater taffy. Idk why, I just feel like he'd really enjoy taffy

o He is still traumatized from his ordeal. So sometimes it comes back to him (nightmares, certain sounds and feelings, etc.). But thankfully, his father is there to help comfort him and calm him down ❤️

o In the film, Pinocchio didn't actually drown. Monstro smashing against the rock formation thrust the seawater forward with such force that it carried Pinocchio (who is very light) with it; he couldn't resist against the water.

There were many large rocks lining the shore. The current of the seawater thrust Pinocchio's head into one of the rocks; the impact killed him. :cries:

o and I'm not ending on a sad one so here's one more:

(Canon isn't real if I don't look at it) I really don't think that Pinocchio has as loud of a laugh as he does in the movie.

I think he has small and sweet giggles and squeals; and even when he laughs loudly, I think it's still kindof high-pitched and sweet, and not as hard and deep.

#disneynerdpumpkin #disney #disney pinocchio #pinocchio 1940 #I love him sm #Look at him #he so adorable!!!#so precious #we must protect him at all costs #And this isn't even all of my headcanons lol #Kudos if you actually made it to the end of this post #pinocchio #pumpkin headcanons

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ohc-and-the-music-tapes-archive · 1 month

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Review of shows by Brian Dewan, the Music Tapes and Nana Grizol at The Vera Project, Seattle. Seattle Weekly, 20 February 2009.

"It’s easy to belittle the Music Tapes for their experimental, whimsical ways, but live, it’s quite an enjoyable spectacle. I mean, Julian made a drum out of a giant soup pot and a drumstick out of a small electric blue dodgeball, bouncing the thing in time to the music. It doesn’t get much better than that."

"And yet, there’s a genuine sweetness about Julian’s songs. The 7-Foot-Tall metronome only performed once– “he has a broken arm,” Julian explained– but Static the singing television made a few appearances, as did Badger the saw, which is the same saw Julian Koster played on NPR."

Music Tapes performed at the Vera Project on Thursday, Feb. 20. Photo by Garrett Mukai.

Last night’s show was, hands down, one of the most bizarre shows I’ve ever witnessed. Believe you me, I have seen a lot of weird shit go down on a stage…but nothing quite like this. Your Heart Breaks, Clyde Petersen’s songwriting project, opened. While I was standing there being charmed by Clyde’s stage banter (which I like at least as much as, if not more than, her songs themselves), I saw a distinguished-looking gentleman wearing a green blazer walk up behind me to listen to the music. Because I was probably the fourth-oldest person in the room– the median age in that crowd was about 18– I admit, I made an erroneous assumption. “Aww,” I thought to myself, “someone’s dad wouldn’t let them come to a show alone.”

Surprise! Turns out that guy was not someone’s overprotective papa at all, but Brian Dewan, one of those artists who write jarring, abrasive songs with lyrics about as subtle as getting hit in the face with a tire iron. The dude practically abused the old autoharp he played, strumming it so hard I thought the thing might just give up and break, all whilst singing songs in a surprisingly pleasant voice. Except the songs were about the end of the universe. And putting your money where your mouth is. Literally. “Eat it!” he shouted. “Eat it!” I was flummoxed. Happily, he took breaks from the autoharp abuse to play the accordion, though the instrumentals seemed more of a cursory, deliberately obnoxious accompaniment to his weird-ass poetry than actual music. Then, when it was over, I overheard somebody meowing (yes. Like a cat). Then I saw Julian Koster walk by, carrying a plastic camel attached to the end of a stick, with a little hollowed-out bowl where its hump should’ve been. I laughed– but then again, I have a tendency to quack like a duck when I’m irritated. Obviously, we weirdos were all in the right place. Nana Grizol, on the other hand, was the most “normal” (if you will) act of the evening. A big band with trumpet, baritone trumpet, clarinet, harmonica, a shitload of stringed instruments and two drummers. Though skeptical at first, I eventually decided that the band’s bright, brassy pop songs and exuberant optimism were quite charming; meanwhile, the crowd bobbed along to the music like quail. Adorable.

Afterward, Brian Dewan returned and projected a series of illustrations that told a fable, which he narrated, about a cock and hen. I’ll save you some time and just tell you that everyone dies at the end. There were some uncertain chuckles. Nobody seemed to know what to make of that dude. I still don’t. Then the Music Tapes came out; first, Julian Koster played a song by himself, but then some of the folks in Nana Grizol came out to support. It’s easy to belittle the Music Tapes for their experimental, whimsical ways, but live, it’s quite an enjoyable spectacle. I mean, Julian made a drum out of a giant soup pot and a drumstick out of a small electric blue dodgeball, bouncing the thing in time to the music. It doesn’t get much better than that.

I tend to prefer Music Tapes songs that have more fully-fleshed out instrumentals; both Julian’s voice and his banjo strumming have a tinny, twanky timbre that accompaniment can offset. Alone, those two things are almost too intense for me. It’s the sort of music that feels more like a conceptual performance art installation than an actual pop band that someone might want to listen to on a road trip. In other words, this is not and will never be Neutral Milk Hotel. And yet, there’s a genuine sweetness about Julian’s songs. The 7-Foot-Tall metronome only performed once– “he has a broken arm,” Julian explained– but Static the singing television made a few appearances, as did Badger the saw, which is the same saw Julian Koster played on NPR. Julian came down to the floor so Badger could sing “The First Noel” for us, which was lovely, and really made me wish I lived in the Midwest for a second so I could’ve seen one of his recent saw-caroling shows in its entirety. We all sat down around him like kindergartners watching their teacher read them a storybook. After performing “The First Noel,” Julian asked us all if we wanted to play a game. Like the enthusiastic kindergarten class we resembled, we said yes. The camel-on-a-stick reappeared to reveal its purpose; turns out his little hump-bowl held paper and pens. We were, Julian explained, to write down a memory without telling anyone what memory we chose. We then gave the little pieces of paper into the soup pot that had served as a drum earlier, and trouped outside so that we could set the little pieces of paper on fire after picking one at random to read aloud. We then lined up, single-file, to leap over the pot filled with flames. Like obedient kindergartners. Then, when only a few people remained, the last piece of paper not to catch alight was plucked carefully from the fire, then read aloud before the rest of the people made their little leap.

We then all received small bells– there were actually not enough of them for all of us– which were to later serve as noisemakers. The Music Tapes’ last song was one about a memory, Julian explained, and when we heard something, a word, a note, anything that reminded us of the memory we’d chosen, we were to begin ringing and passing along our bells. As all this was happening, the baritone player wandered about the crowd, playing his instrument. And then the show ended. And we filed out like kids on their way to the school bus. The whole way home, I tried to come up with some sort of powerful symbolic meaning that would justify what I’d just done, and failed. I thought about how it is that musicians can inspire crowds to do things that, in any other context, would be absolutely absurd. And yet, it’s good to perform rituals, and good to perform them with one another, because even if it seems ridiculous to leap over a flaming pot of other peoples’ memories, it’s not as ridiculous when you’re doing it with 50 other human beings. Maybe that’s the point. There’s no real rhyme or reason to why we do things. But when we do them together, it gives our existence– and our actions– meaning.

#the Music Tapes #Brian Dewan #Nana Grizol #Julian Koster #7-Foot-Tall metronome #articles #2009

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