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theonceoverthinker · 5 years

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A Modern Man’s Guide to Piracy

Summary: Killian gets a lesson about modern culture that is very much up his alley.

AO3 Fanfiction.net

Dynamics Featured: Captain Cobra Swan, Swan Believer, Captain Cobra, Captain Swan

Inspired by @distant-rose. It’s actually been so long since I first touched this that I don’t remember exactly how you inspired it (Maybe on Discord some time ago?), but past!me left that note and I wanted to honor it all the same! So thank you for this fun idea, I think!

Timeline wise...it’s kind of all over the place, as you’ll see by the last scene. BUT it was a fun opportunity for some good jokes (Are they good? You tell me!) and I couldn’t resist. That said, it’s during the gap between Rumple and Belle’s departure from Storybrooke and Henry’s departure in the Season 7 opening.

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“Mom!” Emma could hear Henry calling. “It’s not on Netflix!”

With a bowl of popcorn now sagging in her arms, Emma sighed as she took off for the living room.

Damn. It was Groundhog’s Day and she really wanted to watch the Bill Murray movie. She had made a point of watching it every year and this was the first one where she had both Killian and Henry around to watch it with her.

Emma sighed. “Netflix must’ve taken it off.”

“They always do this right before the holiday,” Henry complained.

“That’s how Hollywood makes its money back and it sucks.”

Looking over at her husband and the confused expression on his face, Emma couldn’t help but laugh. No one could say that Killian wasn’t adapting to modern life like a champ, but those little moments where he stumbled were still pretty funny.

“Sorry, Killian,” Emma said. “The system of Hollywood and how it works with streaming services is a weird and complicated thing.”

But then Killian surprised her.

“I wouldn’t say that,” he said. “I mean, I don’t get all of it, but I think I understand the broad strokes of the matter. It’s like when I buy salmon at the grocery store. The grocery store gets money, but so do the fishers who bring it in.”

Emma nodded, impressed.

“Looks like some old timer’s getting a handle on our modern traditions.”

“Another age quip, Emma?” Killian teased. “Will you ever stop?”

“What can I say? They never grow old!”

Killian couldn’t seem to stop his laughter from getting the better of him and Henry and Emma happily joined in.

“And here I thought I was the one to make the puns,” Killian commented. “But as for our movie dilemma, what of the library? From what I remember, they started stocking movies there.”

Henry took a minute and checked his phone, looking displeased when he at last locked his screen again. “It’s closed.”

“It feels like it always is. Belle really should’ve thought twice before hiring Sleepy to run the library when she and Gold left,” Emma lamented. From beside her, Killian frowned.

“So I take it that movie night has been ruined?” he surmised. “Unless you want to watch that ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie again.”

Suddenly, a thought occurred to Emma. She turned to Henry, who must have had a similar revelation, and the two exchanged a look, one filled to the brim with the promise of mischief.

Luckily for her, a sheriff couldn’t exactly arrest herself.

“Not exactly,” Henry said.

“How so?” Killian asked.

“You’ll see.”

Killian smirked. “Is this to be another one of your operations?”

Henry seemed to muse on that for a moment before nodding. “Operation Pirate.”

That seemed to catch Killian off guard. “I’m confused. What can I do? While I’ve learned much, I’m nowhere near as familiar with this realm’s movie services as you two are.”

“No,” Emma clarified. “It’s not about you.”

“It’s a...more modern type of piracy,” Henry went on to say, smiling as the words settled.

Killian clearly didn’t know how to respond to that, but Emma could tell he was interested all the same in what that ‘modern type of piracy’ entailed.

“Well, let’s not waste any time then.”

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“So what do you think?” Emma asked.

“Well,” Killian said. “It’s not as strenuous as captaining a ship, but the spoils seem to be rather abundant for this age.”

“Gotta love modern piracy.”

“It definitely smells better. So how did you do it?”

Henry went on to explain the concept of online piracy as best as he could. And while Emma loved her kid and knew Killian was pretty smart, she could see him struggling to keep up with what he was saying.

“So wait: Does that red horseshoe drag the movie from the pirate’s computer to ours?”

“No. First, that’s a magnet and second, we all share the movie.”

“Share? Sharing not what pirate are oft to do. Our ways are a bit more cutthroat than that.”

“Well, you’re not sharing,” Henry attempted to clarify. “It’s kind of like a cake with infinite pieces.”

However, that just seemed to make things worse.

“How does cake factor into all of this?”

Henry sighed and to his credit, was about to take another stab at explaining it again when Emma came to put him out of his misery.

“I think Killian’s had enough of our modern education for today,” she said, patting her husband on the shoulder.

While Killian seemed a bit sad to give up, Emma could tell that he felt even more overwhelmed by the extent of his lesson. She couldn’t really blame him -- even most of the people born in this realm couldn’t do it. It might have been a bit much to expect him to figure it out, especially in a single night.

“I’m sorry lad, I don’t quite understand. I think I’ll leave this type of piracy to you and your mother for now.”

Still, even as he said it and Henry relented, there was a lingering determination that Emma could tell was still there, but she brushed that off. Killian was always determined and she positively loved him for it.

But at the end of the day, maybe there were just some things that likely couldn’t be taught to a two hundred year old pirate.

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How the fuck could the freakin’ Savior not get tickets to ‘The Avengers: Endgame?’

It didn’t seem possible.

Emma normally didn’t care for her title of princess, but if there was ever a time where she would’ve bothered to pull rank, this would be it!

She even went as far as to try, but while many were still impressed by her royal status, the man at the ticket counter wasn’t among them.

So nope -- not even her royal status could grant her even one spot to see Iron Man, Captain America, and The Hulk take on Thanos. It was the movie of the year -- no, the century -- and she couldn’t see it.

And it sucked because Emma knew her job -- it wouldn’t take much for her to be spoiled. Her schedule had jammed her weekend, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, there was allegedly some kid running around Storybrooke calling everyone and spoiling the movie. It wouldn’t take long before it reached her, especially because her job necessitated she pick up every call she got.

This was her only chance until Monday to go see it, but alas, the Infinity Gauntlet was just outside of her grasp.

She could only imagine one person who was more miserable about the news than her.

And while driving home, she just happened to encounter him.

While Emma knew for a fact that her son was as healthy as a horse, he currently looked like he’d just been punched in the gut. His steps slugged and his his shoulders were sagging so much that they threatened to dislocate his backpack from his body. And facially speaking, he looked like a zombie. His eyes were heavy and his frown was dulled, as if his sadness was so deep that it circled to resignation.

Emma slowed her bug as she pulled up to him.

“Need a lift?” she said, smiling sadly.

Henry nodded and got in.

“Any luck on your end getting tickets?”

“Nope,” Henry answered, his tone more morose than Eeyore’s when he lost his tail. ”

...And when he found his tail…

“You?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

“Even with the power pull?”

“Looks like the only thing that can defeat the royal family is the Storybrooke Multiplex.”

Henry sighed. “I even offered to do Jeffrey Frog’s homework for a month and he still wouldn’t give me his ticket! I can’t believe this! Everyone at my school is seeing this movie tonight!” Henry suddenly grinned as he turned to Emma. “Any chance I can skip school tomorrow and see it then?”

Emma shot Henry a teasing pointed look.

“Do you like having two moms? Because I promise, if I let you do that, Regina would see to it that you’d only have one.”

“She wouldn’t have to kno-o-w,” Henry pointed out. Emma almost had to snort at his sing-songy fashion of begging.

“You know we live in Storybrooke, right? She’ll know the moment you step into that theater. Sorry, kid.”

Henry rolled back his head and pressed it against the seat head. “Damnit.”

“Language!” A beat passed and the two started laughing at the spot-on nature of the reference, however unintentional it was.

For the record though, it was completely intentional.

As they pulled up to the house, Emma and Henry slunk into their seats.

“Want to watch Infinity Wars tonight?”

“I think it’ll hurt too much,” Henry dismissed.

Emma groaned. “You’re right,” she admitted. “Should we just wallow in silence?”

“Yeah, that sounds great,” Henry replied, his tone just as miserable as Emma felt.

Finally, they got out of the car and went inside their house.

Immediately, the smell of microwave popcorn filled the air.

Henry and Emma looked at each other.

“Killian?” Emma called out.

“Emma!” Killian replied, coming out from the kitchen with a big bowl of popcorn. “And Henry! You’re both just in time for the show!”

Henry, clearly just as baffled as Emma was, looked to him. “Didn’t mom tell you Endgame was gonna be in theatres?”

Killian grinned a suspicious grin.

“Aye,” he said. “That she did, but she also told me that you weren’t able to procure tickets to the film.”

“So you were trying to make us feel better with an at-home movie?” Emma said, filling in the gaps. Killian nodded.

While still bummed out about the movie, she really had to hand it to Killian for his efforts to cheer them up.

For a pirate, he sure was sweet.

“Which one are we watching?” Henry asked.

Immediately, Killian’s grin grew to an outright smirk.

“Why ‘Avengers: Endgame,’ of course, my boy.”

Emma’s jaw slackened as Killian continued smirking at them.

“How?” Henry asked. “The movie just came out!”

“Why, I used that pirating technology of yours,” Killian said, gesturing towards the computer in the living room, which Henry wasted no time examining.

“But I thought you couldn’t figure out how to do it?”

“I couldn’t -- not when you first showed me, but I knew this film meant a lot to you so I did some digging. It took a few pages of this world’s government telling me NOT to pirate things, but when do I even listen to monarchs?”

“You listen to me,” Emma pointed out.

“Because I love you. Besides, you hardly ever use that title of yours.” Emma shrugged. “But anyway, eventually, I found some pages that laid out the process more thoroughly.”

“Well,” Emma said, watching Henry look at the file on the computer with an increasingly growing smile on his face, “it looks like you succeeded.”

Killian’s grin grew impossibly wider. “Yes, no matter the realm, you can always count on a pirate to secure the goods. And thankfully in this land, they’ve the decency to share their findings. Just be warned, the recording was from the premiere and quality isn't too great, especially compared to those Blu-Rays of yours.”

“It’s perfect!” Henry cried out! “It’s the right length, the Marvel logo looks new, the quality is low enough to be real! Killian, you are the best!” Having said that, Henry pulled Killian into a tight hug.

Killian rested his hook on Henry’s shoulder as he gently pulled him closer. “I’d say you own that title, lad, given how you’re far faster at this than I am, but you’re welcome all the same. Now why don’t you go get the other bowl of popcorn that has those accursed Milk Duds melted in for your mother and we’ll get this started?”

Henry, clearly not needing to be told twice, raced to the kitchen as Emma pulled her husband close.

“Looks like you can take the man out of the pirate, but you can’t take the pirate out of the man.”

“That bother you, my love?” Killian’s smirk returned, gazing at Emma as if he already knew the answer.

And dammit, he definitely did.

Emma answered his question with a kiss. She felt her foot pop as she settled cozily into his arms.

“I had a feeling,” Killian said, clearly not even bothering to keep the smug off his face.

“But that comment about my ‘accursed’ Milk Duds definitely crossed a line.”

“Give me credit, Swan. I may not be above breaking the law for my family, but I must have some honesty to my character.”

As she came in for another kiss, she made a point to lightly jab Killian in his smug little chest.

“Guys! Come on! It’s time for the romance to turn off and the action to turn on!”

Emma turned to Henry. “You wouldn’t be saying that if we were Pepper and Tony!”

“When you have a metal suit and can shoot energy blasts out of your hands, then you can makeout in front of me all you want.”

“Remind me to get some of Dad’s armor the next time I use my magic,” Emma told Killian.

Henry rolled his eyes, but gestured towards the TV before walking into the living room. “Anyway, Avengers, Assemble!”

Killian grinned, following him. “Excelsior!”

As Emma joined in alongside her boys, she marveled at how her pirate did indeed have many more tricks up his sleeve than even she expected.

And more than anything, even experiencing ‘The Avengers: Endgame’ spoiler-free, discovering all of them was to be the ultimate adventure.

#emma swan #killian jones #henry mills #captain swan #cs #captain cobra #swan believer #captain cobra swan

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mitchintille · 5 years

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2019 mock draft special

After spending countless years fully invested into the draft, I’ve decided it’s time to create my own mock ahead of tonight’s highly anticipated draft.

These picks are entirely based on what I predict will happen tonight, not what I would do. My personal grades, team needs, and team’s tendencies have all been put into consideration with this mock.

Mainly why I'm posting is because the draft is always a fun time of the year, and while I know this draft might go about 7/32, maybe we can laugh about it tomorrow.

Hope you guys enjoy!

1: Arizona Cardinals - Kyler Murray, QB, Oklahoma

While there has been smoke here about the possibility of the Cards taking Quinnen Williams, I think first year head coach Kliff Kingsbury's prior connection to Kyler is simply too irresistable for them to pass up. Kingsbury nabs his franchise QB before coaching his first game, and Josh Rosen gets shipped off to LA before the pick is announced.

2: San Francisco 49ers: Nick Bosa, EDGE, Ohio State

A defensive line featuring DeForest Buckner, Solomon Thomas, and Arik Amrstead with an opportunity to add the best pass rusher in this class with newly acquired Dee Ford? Yep, that'll fix your defense. Dream sceanrio for GM John Lynch, as the no.1 player on their board falls right into their lap.

3: New York Jets: Quinnen Williams, iDL, Alabama

The best player in the draft is simply too much for GM Mike Maccagnon to resist. While I considered a trade down here with Cinncinatti, I opted to keep NY in this spot because of the Jets' trajectory. After signing Le'Veon Bell to pair with year 2 QB Sam Darnold, I can't envision the Jets having any feature picks this high in the coming years, and the opportunity to acquire a rare talent such as Williams is one they have to make.

4: Oakland Raiders: Ed Oliver, iDL, Houston

Whew, what a pre draft process this guy has had. From being in consideration for the first pick, to being considered a late first rounder due to "character concerns", Oliver has come full circle back to where he belongs, in the top 5. His combination of burst, versatility, and pure athleticism is too much to overlook for a team who desperately needs a pass rush. First yeay GM Mike Mayock has played this pick close to the chest, and while I genuinely feel as though Kyler Murray would be the pick if he was available, Oliver is the no brainer here.

5: Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Devin White, LB, LSU

The Bucs LB core as it stands today is Jack Cichy, Riley Bullough, Lavonte David, Kevin Minter. I just threw up typing that. This pick has long felt like the worst kept secret in the draft, and while I am not the biggest fan of White's game, it's not every draft you get the chance to plug in a 240 pound linebacker that runs a 4.4 speed and already knows the entire defense before stepping foot into the building. This pick is as much culture based as it is talent, and with the impending departure of Gerald McCoy, the Bucs can look to White to lead the new regime.

6: New York Giants: Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State

I'm just simply not convinced that they pass on him. Eli's game has plummeted over the years, and Kyle Lauletta isn't the long term answer. Haskins offers a wide range of skills and fresh life to a team that desperately needs it. Haskins can sit for a season and learn under the tutelage of Pat Shurmur before replacing Eli in 2020. The Giants can't afford to pass on a top QB two years in a row, and while I am not the biggest an of Haskins' game, he makes the most sense here.

7: Washington Redskins (Trade via JAX): Drew Lock, QB, Missouri

Alas, a trade! The Redskins roster is in win now mode, and with the loss of Alex Smith, the Redskins simply cannot rely on Case Keenum or Colt McCoy to get the job done. The Skins nab their future franchise QB by trading up 8 spots to land him. A high price to pay for a prospect whom most consider to be "boom or bust", but in today's era of the NFL quarterbacks are regarded higher than ever.

8: Detroit Lions: Josh Allen, EDGE, Kentucky

Dream scenario here for Matt Patricia as the highly versatile Allen falls right into their lap. Allen is the perfect fit for this defense and if I fully expect him to be the pick if he's available.

9: Buffalo Bills: TJ Hockenson, TE, Iowa

The Bills tight end room is.....not good to say the least. When you get an opportunity to draft the cleanest TE prospect in a decade to fix a deflated TE room, you run to the podium. The Bills nab my #4 overal player and add an NFL ready weapon to Josh Allen's arsenal.

10: Denver Broncos: Devin Bush, LB, Michigan

You want to talk ugly personnel groups? Take a look at the Broncos middle linebackers. New coach Vic Fangio is a defensive minded guy who has coached guys such as Ray Lewis, Patrick Willis, and budding star Roquan Smith. Fangio lands his future leader and my top LB in the class, as it feels like this pick has been a long time coming since the combine ended.

11: Cincinnati Bengals: Andre Dillard, OT, Washington State

This pick is completely foggy to me. With all the top QB options off the board and being unable to find a successful trade partner, the Bengals opt for the best pass blocking tackle in the draft.

12: Green Bay Packers: Rashan Gary, EDGE, Michigan

Packers added pass rushers Zadarius and Preston Smith this offseason to help bolster their pass rush but I'm not convinced they're done adding to that unit. Packers nab the highly athletic and versatile Gary to add to new defensive coordinator Mike Pettine's arsenal. Pettine is known for his multi look defense, one that allows Gary to fully embrace his versatility whether it be on the edge or the interior.

13: Miami Dolphins: Christian Wilkins, iDL, Clemson

This pick makes too much sense. New HC Brian Flores has openly discussed the new high character culture he's trying to instill, and Wilkins embodies that to a tee. New defensive line coach Marion Hobby was also Clemson's co-dc from 2011-2016. All signs lead me to believe this is the pick.

14: Atlanta Falcons: Brian Burns, EDGE, Florida State

The best pure edge rusher in the class falls to a team whose best pass rusher is Vic Beasley. Burns is a plug and play guy from day 1 who would be my bet to lead that team in sacks as a rookie.

15: Jacksonville Jaguars (Trade via Wash): Jonah Williams, OT, Alabama

The Jags find themselves in a dream scenario here as they take the guy they wanted at 7. Williams is the best OL in the class and while this may not be the sexiest pick, the Jags found themsevles having to settle for Ereck Flowers at one point last season. To me, this is as easy of a pick as it gets this draft.

16: Carolina Panthers: Cody Ford, OT, Oklahoma

A chance to add the best run blocking OL in the draft to a run first team with an abysmal line? Yup, that'll work.

17: New York Giants: Jawaan Taylor, OT, Florida

The Giants add an anchor to the offensive line to help bolster the run game and protect Eli/Haskins' blindside. Taylor is a pro ready mauler in the run game who showed plus flashes of pass pro all season. His development year by year at Florida was notably impressive, and I expect him to step right in and have no problems.

18: Minnesota Vikings: Garrett Bradbury, iOL, Nc State

It's no secret the Vikings need help on the interior, and they land a versatile interior lineman with experience at all 3 positions. Bradbury excelled in a zone blocking scheme at Nc State and should transition fluidly to Minnesota. Vikings can plug Bradbury into the center spot and kick Pat Elflein back to his natural postion at guard.

19: Tennessee Titans: Chris Lindstrom, iOL, Boston College

With Brian Burns off the board and uncertainty surrounding Montez Sweat, the Titans opt for Lindstrom, an experienced starter whose versatility should allow him to start day 1 over Kevin Pamphile.

20: Pittsburgh Steelers: Rock Ya-Sin, CB, Temple

It has come to my attention that Ya-Sin has gradually been trending upwards this whole process, and rumors have it that the Steelers have pegged him as their #1 CB. With them being in the market for a CB, I'm buying into the rumors. Ya-Sin isn't very high on my board, but schematically it makes sense and given that the Steelers reached on a secondary player last season to fit their scheme, it wouldn't shock me to see history repeat itself.

21: New England Patriots (Trade with Sea): Noah Fant, TE, Iowa

The Pats have 12 draft picks this year. Knowing the histoy of their front office, a trade up here wouldn't shock me one bit. Going from Gronk to Fant is about as smooth of a transition as Favre to Rodgers. The evil empire makes a power move and adds an elite talent and the #9 player on my board.

22: Baltimore Ravens: D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss

FINALLY! The first receiver is off the board as Ozzie Newsome can't overlook the talented Metcalf. The 6'4 freak blew up the combine with an historic workout, and his on field skillset smoothly correlates with the Ravens offensive identity. Lamar gets his big man WR and some much needed help.

23: Houston Texans: Dalton Risner, OT, Kansas State

Best available offensive lineman. That's it.

24: Oakland Raiders: Greedy Williams, CB, LSU

Everything about this pick is perfect. Raiders need help on the outside and Greedy's height and swagger perfectly matches what Gruden is building his defense towards.

25: Philadelphia Eagles: Marquise Brown, WR, Oklahoma

This has long felt like this the direction the Eagles are heading towards. Brown has world class speed and is one of the better vertical threats in the draft. Perosnally, I feel this is a huge reach for Philly but this seems to be the expectation tonight. Side note: there is no precedent for a player of Brown's size going RD1. It could happen, but it never has before. Something interesting to watch for tonight.

26: Indianapolis Colts: Jeffery Simmons, iDL, Mississippi State

The Colts fill a monster need and add my #3 overall player in the process. Simmons is coming off a torn ACL he suffered a few days before the combine, and there is a chance he does not see the field his entire rookie season. However, GM Chris Ballard had proven to be a believer in a process over immediate results. Simmons' talent is too glaring and while he won't make the immediate impact they'd hoped for, his ceiling is worth the wait.

27: Oakland Raiders: Joshua Jacobs, RB, Alabama

Did the Raiders really just take a RB who never eclipsed 1k yards in a season? Of course they did. Jacobs saw his star rise quickly last Fall with a breakout season for the Crimson Tide. His bruising running style and receiving abilities are ideal for what Gruden wants in his offense, and coming from an offense where he wasn't the feature back means less miles on his legs. With the recent retirement of Marshawn Lynch, all arrows point to this being the pick.

28: Los Angeles Chargers: Jerry Tillery, iDL, Notre Dame

The Chargers stay hot with their recent run of first round picks and snag another gem in Jerry Tillery. Tillery was borderline unblokckable up until his shoulder injury that clearly affected his play. After successful offseason surgery, the Chargers benefit yet again from other team's incompetence and land another premier player at a position of need cough cough Derwin James

29: Seattle Seahawks: Byron Murphy, CB, Washington

Seahawks score a ball hawking corner that fits their scheme. Montez Sweat is in consideration but the Seahawks ulitmately opt for the hometown playmaker that fills a big position of need.

30: Green Bay Packers: N'Keal Harry, WR, Arizona State

After solidfying the defensive line, the Packers look to add some extra support for Aaron Rodgers. Packers prefered Noah Fant, but with the Pats trading up they will settle for a YAC machine and physical receiver in Harry. He is the perfect complement to Da'vante Adams, and a neccessary choice to help shore up that unit.

31: New York Jets (Trade with LAR): Montez Sweat, EDGE, Mississippi State

The slide finally comes to a halt for the talented edge rusher. The Jets make a ballsy move and trade back into the first to solidy what would be an elite unit. Gregg Williams' new 4-3 scheme calls for a hand in the dirt pass rusher of Sweat's caliber, and the only way to land him is by being aggressive. Statement pick her for Maccagnon

32: Houston Texas (Trade with Sea): Erik McCoy, iOL, Texas A&M

More. Offensive. Line. Notice a trend? Texans need offensive line help in the worst way possible and have the picks to make this move up. They snag a very underrated interior lineman to pair with their newly acquired franchise tackle.

Well guys, that was fun. If you are a draft fan I highly recommend giving this a whirl sometime. Any and all feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

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racingtoaredlight · 6 years

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Cancellation Saturday: Degenerate’ guide to college football tv watch ‘em ups for week 3, 2018 season

We’re slowly creeping our way to actual competitions. I don’t want to pretend that matters much to me in the early season. I like the college football version of preseason.

This list of games is ripped from a site that may or may not have updated their schedule for the hurricane. Guess we’ll all find out together!

Saturday, September 15

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

Ball State at Indiana 12:00pm BTN

My watching has regressed this season to the point where I couldn’t tell you if there’s even one NFL prospect in this game. Indiana usually has at least one so, uh, keep an eye on that.

Florida State at Syracuse 12:00pm ABC/ESPN/2/U

Last I checked FSU was a somewhat dodgy 3-point favorite. This is not because Syracuse has gotten better.

Hawaii at Army 12:00pm CBSSN

Is the Cole McDonald magic a season-long phenomenon or is it just a fluke offense doing the work for him? Beating Army won’t prove he’s good but losing might prove he’s a fluke.

Kent State at Penn State 12:00pm FS1

I put a Penn State guy in the RTARLsman rankings in the obvious hope that they lose to Kent State.

Miami (FL) at Toledo 12:00pm ABC/ESPN/2/U

The consensus among professional gamblers is that Toledo +10.5 is easy money. The “objective” rankings on SB Nation actually have Toledo ranked higher than Miami. Miami’s offensive line is trying to get Malik Rosier killed and Ahmmon Richards is out with an “injury” sustained while yelling at Rosier in the locker room. Canes by 50.

Murray State at Kentucky 12:00pm SECNA

Kentucky broke their losing steak to Florida so it would be quite fitting if they lose today.

Oklahoma at Iowa State 12:00pm ABC/ESPN/2/U

This would be so much more appealing to me if Rodney Anderson hadn’t torn his ACL. As it stands it’s probably a good matchup that could turn into a dogfight but I don’t plan on watching any of it.

Rhode Island at UConn 12:00pm SNY/ESPN3

UConn’s program is about the same as Kansas’s program.

Rutgers at Kansas 12:00pm FSN

Rutgers may very well be back on the Kansas level, too.

Temple at Maryland 12:00pm BTN

I understand the way the early results have gone but Maryland -16 still sounds crazy to me. Go Owls, in any case.

Troy at Nebraska 12:00pm BTN

Here’s a fun statement that can be more or less objectively quantified to be true: Scott Frost inherited a better roster at UCF than the roster he inherited this year at Nebraska. To wit: this year’s UCF seniors were all there before he signed on to coach them.

Tulane at UAB 12:00pm Facebook

I know I’ve been telling UAB to drop football again but this is kind of a beauty. Damn facebook to hell, though.

UCF at North Carolina 12:00pm ABC/ESPN/2/U

I’m pretty sure this game is at least postponed?

East Carolina at Virginia Tech 12:20pm ACCN

ECU is back to non-cupcake status now. Maybe. They killed UNC last week. Maybe that isn’t proof of anything.

Georgia Tech at Pitt 12:30pm RSN

A game between two teams that should have won last week.

UC Davis at Stanford 2:00pm Pac-12N

On the one hand Stanford should score 100 against UC Davis. On the other hand David Shaw isn’t a big fan of scoring 30 or more points.

Vanderbilt at Notre Dame 2:30pm NBC

A game between rape-apologist program where nobody wins unless Brian Kelly dies.

Ohio at Virginia 3:00pm ACCNExtra

ACCNE extra getting off to a late start today. UVA is a 5.5 point-and-dropping favorite as I write this. I don’t know about the points but the O/U has gone up by 6.5 which seems odd.

Boise State at Oklahoma State 3:30pm ABC/ESPN/2/U

Brett Rypien has escaped his timeshare and is now a contender to go in the 1st round next year. That still seems a little high to me but he does have a ver similar gun to his dad. Who was either undrafted or like a 12th round pick and took about 5 years to develop into an NFL starter.

BYU at Wisconsin 3:30pm ABC/ESPN/2

Hornibrook is going to win the Heisman. I don’t like it much more than you. I’m lying. I fucking love it. All he needs to do is rack up 13 QB wins by the time voting is closed.

Central Michigan at NIU 3:30pm ESPN Plus

I don’t do MACtion but there are a few NFL prospects in this game.

Duke at Baylor 3:30pm FS1

A true conundrum.

Georgia Southern at Clemson 3:30pm ABC/ESPN/2/U

Tune in early if you want to see the guys you’ve heard of.

Lehigh at Navy 3:30pm CBSSN

Navy hasn’t looked great so far this year but this is a trash game so maybe they can work out the kinks here?

LSU at Auburn 3:30pm CBS

Whoever wins this gets to be wildly overrated for the rest of the season.

Miami (Ohio) at Minnesota 3:30pm BTN

Minnesota -13 don’t make no kind of damn sense.

SMU at Michigan 3:30pm BTN

If Harbaugh doesn’t beat the spread I might join the pitchforks.

Southern Miss at Appalachian State 3:30pm ESPN Plus

App State deserves to lose every game for the way they blew a sure victory over Penn State.

USF at Illinois 3:30pm BTN

I feel like Illinois should have good recruiting grounds but they’ve had like 5 decent seasons in my lifetime.

West Virginia at NC State 3:30pm ABC/ESPN/2/U

Pretty sure this is not happening today.

Colorado State at Florida 4:00pm SECN

The McElwain Game! He’s gone and already mostly forgotten, which is a shame because of that one time he humped a shark.

Eastern Kentucky at Bowling Green 4:00pm ESPN3

Not the best use of your time but my whole point is to talk you into watching every single game so watch this and report back. Wait, ESPN3 still exists? I thought it was ESPN+ now. They’re different things?

Houston at Texas Tech 4:00pm FOX

Texas Tech throws early, often, and poorly. If Ed Oliver is going to get an eye catching number of sacks for the year this game is the key.

North Texas at Arkansas 4:00pm SECNA

This is a classic SEC out of conference game.

UTSA at Kansas State 4:00pm FSN

The Bill Snyder magic may in fact be gone. Take UTSA +21.5 in my honest opinion.

Wofford at Wyoming 4:00pm MWN

I actually like Wyoming’s stupid uniforms for what little it’s worth.

New Hampshire at Colorado 5:00pm P12N MTN

This is a pretty bad week overall.

San Jose State at Oregon 5:00pm Pac-12N

I’ve got to tune in to see Justin Herbert but he might get pulled before the end of the 1st quarter.

Bethune-Cookman at Florida Atlantic 6:00pm Stadium

There are people in the world who really believe that Lane Kiffin deserves a high level D-1A job. That’s a pretty bad idea.

Eastern Michigan at Buffalo 6:00pm ESPN Plus

Give Tyree Jackson a shot. I love the velocity he puts on his throws even if his WRs are horrible and drop most of them.

Idaho State at California 6:00pm P12N BAY

Idaho State’s first year back in 1-AA has featured 3 games against 1-A teams to start the series.

Old Dominion at Charlotte 6:00pm ESPN3

This is crap all the way through.

Alabama at University of Mississippi 7:00pm ESPN

Bama’s weakness if they have one is the inexperienced secondary. Mississippi’s strength is 4 top-50 level pass catching prospects. The Tide should roll anyway but I won’t be that surprised if Mississippi makes a game of it.

Alabama A&M at Cincinnati 7:00pm ESPN3

A very evenly matched watch ‘em up.

Arkansas State at Tulsa 7:00pm CBSSN

This is the kind of stupid game that I write these posts for. Of course it’s on CBS Sports.

Campbell at Coastal Carolina 7:00pm ESPN3

What the shit is this crap?

Delaware State at Western Michigan 7:00pm ESPN Plus

And this?

Oregon State at Nevada 7:00pm ESPN3

And this, too, really but there is a little bit of a soft spot in my heart for Nevada as the birthplace of the pistol.

Texas State at South Alabama 7:00pm ESPN Plus

Explosive matchup of two teams that grab 1-star recruits in states where starting for a full season in high school gets you 3 stars.

Middle Tennessee at Georgia 7:15pm ESPN2

MTSU is a relatively good OOC matchup for an SEC team but we’re now in a Georgia age of college football and MTSU is going to be slaughtered.

Akron at Northwestern 7:30pm BTN

MAC is the minor league version of Big XII ball. I can’t believe y’all watch this shit. Oh, right, Northwestern is actually a B1G team. Close enough.

Louisiana at Mississippi State 7:30pm SECNA

If the “State” was on the other side of the vs. this would be a great game. In real life it is not going to be a great game.

Marshall at South Carolina 7:30pm ESPNU

How has Marshall looked this year so far?

Missouri at Purdue 7:30pm BTN

Mizzou at Purdue is fun to say. Drew Lock is pretty good but I have the Missouri offense.

Northern Iowa at Iowa 7:30pm BTN

Do it for the kids UNI!

ULM at Texas A&M 7:30pm SECN

This might get a spot in the rotation. I’m kind of intrigued by aTm under Jimbo Fisher. I don’t think I have any expectations for him.

UMass at FIU 7:30pm beIN SPORTS

Come on, Butch, get this Panther ship righted!

WKU at Louisville 7:30pm RSN

Petrino Bowl! This might actually be a pretty good game. Louisville kind of sucks this year.

Eastern Washington at Washington State 8:00pm Pac-12N

There’s something weird about this game but I forget what it is. So keep that in mind.

New Mexico at New Mexico State 8:00pm AggieVision

The winner gets to be New Mexico State for the next 12 months. The loser has to be regular New Mexico.

Ohio State at TCU 8:00pm ABC

I’ve been feeling the Dwayne Haskins hype and it either goes through the roof after this one or Urban Meyer will have to play savior when he comes back next week.

USC at Texas 8:00pm FOX

Great brand name matchup of secretly (or not) bad coaches. USC has a great freshman QB and Texas has really nice uniforms. The rest of this is garbage.

Washington at Utah 10:00pm ESPN

The weird front-loaded schedule rolls on for the Pac-12. This would be an incredible game in November. It’s very odd in September.

Arizona State at San Diego State 10:30pm CBSSN

Herm Edwards is really good, guys! He’s got his team ranked! He’s going to get blown out by SDSU!

Fresno State at UCLA 10:30pm FS1

At least a little bit interesting. I’ve got a good feeling about Chip Kelly at UCLA but he’s got a lot of building to do. I think it’s worth watching him flail around trying to find his way.

Southern Utah at Arizona 11:00pm Pac-12N

When will Kevin Sumlin and Khalil Tate get on the same page? Probably never but they should win this game by 80.

Prairie View A&M at UNLV 10:00pm MWN

I went through and did the formatting and started up from the bottom and now I see the times are really fucked. At least a little. This is an objectively bad game. But I do like UNLV’s QB.

UTEP at Tennessee 12:00pm SECN

Not sure what’s going on here. It’s the last game listed but it says 12pm and it’s in Tennessee. But I can see the reasoning behind scheduling this at midnight to minimize the chances of somebody randomly stumbling upon it and accidentally watching a couple of minutes of it.

#football #college football #macy's #saturday post

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