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#praying this man gets some money and therapy sessions
beaxmice · 1 year
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i love miserable blonde guys
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benwvatt · 6 months
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recent heartstopper stories from benwvatt
I’ll be loving you for quite some time, time, time (one-shot)
“You’re Olive Garden?”
“Tuesday night at Olive Garden!” Nick grins. He pats at his server’s uniform 一 black pants and long-sleeve shirt, white nametag with ‘I’m covering Este’s shift’ on it. “No bodyyyy, no criiiiiime… and you’re the boat!” Nick says. “The boat! The murder boat! You look amazing!”
Nick and Charlie meet when they're seated next to each other at the Eras Tour, London, 2024. Nick cries during 'ivy.' Everyone buys t-shirts. Imogen and Charlie become friends. Shenanigans ensue.
parting is such sweet sorrow (up to chapter 2/8)
“What do you mean, I’m not the only person staying in my room?” Charlie slams a hand down on the desk.
The receptionist's eyes widen. “You - you didn’t do this intentionally?”
On a spontaneous holiday to the North York Moors, Charlie's week becomes somewhat complicated when he and some guy named Nicholas Nelson accidentally book the same room at the inn.
in the velvet waters, in the indigo waves (one-shot)
Perhaps it’s silly, but Nick extends his hand hesitantly and Charlie shakes it. Their hands drift just above the waterline, fingers all wrinkled.
Their hands separate.
Recovering from his eating disorder and wanting to exercise in peace, Charlie goes to the swimming pool early one morning. He runs into Nick, a swimmer.
father, carry me to the water, wash me clean (one-shot)
His parents' divorce wasn’t a big deal, okay? It was Nick's fault. There was something bad in his brain called ADHD, like a parasite. Like from Alien!
But, if Nick just prayed hard enough and ate the right diet, he could fight the parasite! Dad would be happy again, and he wouldn’t be so critical and he wouldn’t need to spend money on monthly therapy sessions for Nick.
And then he’d stay.
When he's 9, Nick tries to be obedient enough to make his dad love him.
When he's 34, he bonds with Charlie and their infant daughter. He gets an opportunity to heal from his dad's abuse and his church's abuse, and he find a little closure.
your voice so soft, like summer rain (one-shot)
the Jolene AU / the bored housewife falls in love with the best friend AU.
“Can I ask you a question?” Darcy finally says. “Why do you even want to wear the,” she gestures, “lingerie?”
Tara puts her clothes back on, the silky robe discarded like a molten skin by her side. “I dunno. I want my husband to think I’m attractive?”
“Does he not… think that right now?”
Heavily in denial about whether she was queer, Tara married a rich man years ago. Now she's a little lost in her marriage, raising her niece June, and maybe-maybe-maybe falling in love with her best friend Darcy, who also happens to be June's private guitar teacher.
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gritsandbrits · 3 years
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Sensitivity Training pt. 1
At the Bellwood Gymnasium, Patti Holiday paced in her rented conference room while she waited for her guests to arrive. After that catastrophic game show last month, everyone was fed up with fighting each other over Ben Tennyson. Or rather, the city was tired of being the battleground for the young man's love life.
So being the kind & compassionate person she was, Patti offered to host a weekly group therapy session. Two months, she promised, to see if she could help these girls sort out their problems. She looked at the list of participants on her clipboard.
Princess Attea
Elena Validus
Ester Kraaho
Eunice Tennyson
Jennifer Nocturne
Julie Yamamoto
Kai Green
Princess Looma
Patti already knew who Julie was from a sports magazine, and Ester and Kai from their trip to the museum. Everyone else she had vague knowledge of, just that they needed desperate help to sort their lives. Just then she heard a knock and she went over to open the door. She smiled brightly as she saw her guests waiting in the hallway.
"Afternoon come on right in! So glad you all could make it," she exclaimed as she ushered them inside. While she got polite hellos in returns Princess Attea barely acknowledged her presence. Whether natural pride or anger at the idea of making amends for taking over Earth some months ago Patti couldn't tell. But she hoped this session would at least teach Attea how to empathize with non-Incurseasans. The last person to enter was Looma (who had to crouch just to get through) and they took seats. Patti silently prayed that the next user of the room won't noticed the large cracks on the wall.
When all eight were accounted Patti began with a speech she prepared. "Some of us are here for different reasons but I hope by the end of the month we'll be able to walk the same path."
"Are we going outside?" Jennifer asked, afraid of getting hounded by paparazzi, or angry former fans of hers. Patti smiled reassuringly. "If we do it's going to be a private session."
Looma wriggled in her seat, even she was curious how such a flimsy chair could hold her weight. Just the fact she could even fit the room surprised her!
"So now that we're done with introductions let's try to break the ice by telling me what you all have in common with each other. You first Elena."
"I used to be a scientist" she replied hesitantly. And a deep unreciprocated crush on Ben, she added darkly.
"I play tennis," Julie chipped in. She deliberately avoided mentioning Ben, as she didn't want to be known just for her past relationship with him.
"We dated Ben," Julie and Eunice spoke at the same time then gave each other weird looks. Jennifer squirmed in her seat recalling her awkward moments with Ben.
"Sorry for interrupting," Eunice apologized sheepishly. "I'm not used to being around people."
"That's okay hun," said Patti. "Why don't you talk a little about yourself!"
Eunice took a deep breath. "Okay my story is weird but I'm actually from the Omnitrix."
"I didn't know the Omntrix was named after a planet," replied Patti, growing curious. Eunice shook her head "No no I'm from the Omnitrix. Like literally from the Omnitrix"
Patti jerked her head back in shock. Kinda think about it she did look a bit like Ben - actually scratch that she looked like Gwen - but with blond hair and decidedly less salt. Right down to the same shade of green eyes.
"And we already know that Looma and Attea are alien princesses," Patti said as she wrote down on her board. "And I'm assuming you two had a crush on Ben too."
"To be fair he wouldn't make a good king on my homeworld," she admitted. "But Kevin...oh if you ever wanted a good time he was your man!" If it was possible her face turned even redder.
"But of course he just had to reject me, lied to me, couldn't even look me in the eye!" She slammed her fist into her other palm (did the room just shake, Patti fretted) clearly holding the former delinquent responsible for the bumps in the road in her woeful search for a consort.
"Okay not that much in common though it seems all of you have a connection to aliens."
"In my defense he tricked me!" Attea snapped. It was true he oretneded to be a very cute very hot soldier in her army only to reveal himself to have been spying on her! That was a trick that both sickened and impressed her.
Kai huffed. "Seriously you guys have no good taste in men!"
"But Kai aren't you destined to be with him?" Asked Ester. She remembered their encounter with the time-traveler Spanner, whi kept going on about how Ben and Kai had to be together for reasons she didn't know and admittedly stopped caring about. "Like what's that term, soulmates?"
"Hmph yeah right like I'm dumb enough to fall for the words of a stranger!" Kai scoffed. Come on she was the wielder of Excalibur for crying out loud! Why was her only destiny be hinged on whether she banged the most annoying guy in the universe or not? What about her own accomplishments?
Ooh girl if only you knew, Patti lamented, understanding just who Ester was referring too. She didn't want to bring him up and cause even more drama so she tried to change subjects. She observed the clothes they wore and something clicked.
"It seems there's something else you all have in common," she spoke. "Look at your clothes. What colors you're all wearing."
"Uh pink?" Julie replied not knowing where this was heading.
"Yes! And red too!" She gestured to Kai and Elena's jackets. "Often a person feels comfortable wearing their favorite colors."
Elena thumbed the corner of her collar. "Yeah my dad gave it to me for my birthday shortly before he..." Her voice trailed off, not wanting to bring up that tragic night. At her implication Julie began to feel pity for the girl. While she still held reservations towards her (Elena had kidnapped and impersonated her) she couldn't lay all of the blame at her feet. She couldn't imagine losing her own father, and her conscious mind.
"Oh please we're not about to get into theatrics are we?" Attea groaned. She couldn't believe she had to waste a whole time of her life being forced to listen to a bunch of sob stories!
Elena glared at her. "You got a problem, frog legs?"
"Oh sorry did I struck a nerve?" Attea smiled sweetly. She had known about the former scientist and her fall from grace. In fact she had dirt on a lot of people connected to Ben any friend of his was a threat to her.
"You wanna try me?" Elena threanted as her body tingle hotly. The result of nanochips that remained in her body seeking out any hint of technology. The overhead TV provided enough power to knock the bratty teen's lights out...
"My money's on biker chick," Looma whispered to Eunice. The short girl could only watch with worry asking herself if she should try to step in and break them up.
"Now young ladies I know you're smarter than this," Patti said calmly. In her mind she began to fear this was a bad idea.
"Look I'm sorry but I have plans to make and worlds to conquer!" Attea exclaimed as she stormed to leave the room.
"Which is why you are here right now," Patti countered. "You've made a mess trying to take over our planet. Many people had their lives disrupted and I doubt they be happy to hear the person responsible got away with it."
"Come on why me? I'm just following family tradition!" The royal stopped her foot impatiently.
"Either that or deal with my cousin," Patti added, her tone unwavering. Now that gave Attea some pause. Everyone in the room knew of the gentle and sweet Jora Holiday, but with sweet came sourness. They all witnessed her Element at some point, and when she got genuinely angry, well, just ask anyone unlucky enough to catch her on a bad day.
Realizing that she wasn't able to shoot herself out of that one, the amphibian royal sat back down and crossed her arms like a tot denied candy. She turned her nose at Elena who had been expecting an apology. When she knew she wasn't getting one the biker did the same. If she want to play it like that fine by me! She survived being brainwashed by Hive Chips, a spoiled racist brat was nothing to her!
Patti sighed with victorious relief. Crisis avoided! Now as long Princess Attea kept her mouth shut the rest of their meeting will go smoothly. She looked at her watch. Twenty minutes to go. Hopefully this wouldn't end up in tears and bloodshed.
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fanaticfangirl001 · 3 years
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Like Real People Do Ch 5: An Assassin, A Terrorist, A thief, and A Bird Walk Into Madripoor
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@p3nny4urth0ught5, @kissofvenom922
Ch 5:
Author’s note:
“I’m going to go in alone.” Bucky turns to Winnie and Sam.
“Why?” Sam asks.
“Bucky does have a better chance of getting answers.” Winnie adds.
“Also you’re an Avenger. You know how he feels about that.” Bucky says.
“It’s not like you two are known for frolicking in the sun together.”
“Zemo would be a good informant though, Sam.”
“He was obsessed with HYDRA. We have a history together. Trust me. I got it.” Bucky walks off to speak with Zemo.
Sam turns to Winnie “ Why aren’t you volunteering to go in with him?”
“I can’t, I doubt Zemo likes me much.” Winnie scoffs.
“Right, SHIELD.”
“Yeah.” Winnie nods hoping Sam drops it.
“So.” Sam changes the subject, “ You were kind of out of it when I mentioned Sharon.”
“I said then that I didn’t want to talk about it.”
“How about now?”
“Look, right before Shield fell I found some documents connecting the dots.I saved them to a flash drive and drove my ass home to the apartment Sharon and I shared. I tried to tell her, she got defensive, we got in a fight. She claimed I was a part of Hydra. I called her a bitch and left.” Winnie explains.
“That’s rough.”
“Yeah, I don’t see us working it out. “
“There’s always couple’s therapy.” Sam suggests with a laugh.
“Oh right, how’d that session go?”
“Got to stare into his baby blues.”
“Did that help?”
“No.”
“I could do better than that.”
“Oh I bet he’d like that.” Sam smirks.
“Not what I meant.” Winnie rolls her eyes.
“What are you talking about breaking Zemo out of jail? Where the hell are we Buck? Have you lost your mind?” Sam asks.
“That’s a fantastic idea, Buck.” Winnie says sarcastically.
“We have no leads, no moves, nothing.”
“What we have is one of the most dangerous men in the world behind bars.”
“That Bucky wants to let out of those bars.” Winnie sidesteps by Sam to avoid tripping.
“We also have eight super soldiers on the loose.”
“Shit, he’s gotta point, Sam.”
“Zemo is gonna mess with our minds. Especially yours.”
“He also probably doesn’t like me either.” Winnie adds rubbing the back of her neck.
“Offense, super soldiers go against everything he believes in. He is crazy but he still has a code.”
“How crazy?” Winnie asks.
“Bag of cats.” Sam answers.
“He blew up the UN, killed King T’chaka and framed you for it.” Sam continues.
“We don’t know how they’re getting the serum.”
Bucky says.
“We don’t even know how much serum is out there.” Winnie replies then adds “ Or who put it out there in the first place.”
“What did you do?” Sam asks.
“I didn’t do anything.” Bucky says calmly.
Winnie takes a deep breath and puts her hands on her guns. If Bucky did what she thinks he did, then it’s only a matter of time before shit gets real.
“The weakest point in any system is not the software, the hardware, it's the meatware.The human element…” Bucky continues.
Three seconds to draw, two seconds to fire, three seconds to draw two seconds to fire, Winnie thinks over and over.
“I don’t like how natural, you’re being about this, and where are we, man?”
More lights fill the area and a door opens.
“Woah Woah Woah, What are you doing here!”
“I didn’t want to tell you cause I knew you’d never let this happen.”
Winnie follows the two with a gun in hand.
“What did you do?”
“We need him, Sam.”
“You’re going back to prison.”
“If I may..” Zemo starts.
“No!” Both shout.
Winnie stands besides them with her gun pointed at Zemo.
“Apologies.”Zemo says softly then looks at Winnie.
“When Steve refused to sign the Sokovia Accords, you back him.” Bucky continues.
“I really think I’m invaluable.”
“Shut up.” Sam turns to Zemo.
“If we do this, you don’t make a move without our permission.” Sam says to Zemo.
“Fair.”
Zemo turns to Winnie and says “You’ve been very quiet. Penny for your thoughts.”
“Don’t let him mess with you.” Sam says as Winnie puts her gun back in the holster. “Okay, Zemo, where do we start.”
“So our first move is grand theft auto?”
“These are mine, collected by family over the generations.” Zemo starts collecting his things out of the cars.
“Nice wheels.” Winnie gestures to a vintage cadillac.
“So she speaks.”
“Leave her alone.” Bucky says.
“I ended the Winter Soldier program once before. I have no intention of leaving my work unfinished. To do this, we’ll have to scale a ladder of lowlifes.”
“Well, join the party. We’ve already started.”
“First stop is a woman named Selby.” Zemo says carrying his bags away. “Mid level fence I still have a line on. From there, we climb.”
Walking up to the private jet, “ So all this time you’ve been rich.” Sam asks.
“I’m a Baron, Sam.” Zemo says as the four climb on the jet, “ My family was royalty until your friends destroyed my country.”
Zemo drinks the champagne his butler serves him.
“It seems like you have me at a disadvantage. I don’t know your name, and if I had known such a treasure would be with those two idiots, I’d escape sooner.” He says to Winnie.
“She’s Winnie, she’s a hacker. That’s your introduction.” Bucky says gruffly.
“ A hacker...interesting.” Zemo sips at his champagne.
“Not really.”
“Oh no, it is. You’re not with an agency, I guess.”
“No.”
“No health insurance or dental, no pay check.”
“None of that.”
“Do you live in a house?”
“Yes.”
“With no income?”
“Yes.”
“Must have a wealthy family?
“No, I’m an orphan.”
“Then pray tell how you get paid.”
“Easy, like Buck said, I’m a hacker, To make money I hack into bank accounts of the rich and take very little in the grand scheme of things. One percent of the richest men in the world’s wealth.”
“Winnie.” Sam nudges her.
“It’s the truth.” Winnie adds. “Besides not like he needed it in prison.”
The conversation lulls to a deafening silence.
“Why don’t you tell us where we’re going?” Sam asks.
“Sorry I was just fascinated by this. I don’t know what to call it, but this part seems to be important. Who is Nakajima?”
Bucky jerks across and grabs Zemo by the throat.
“If you touch that again, I’ll kill you.”
Zemo nods understanding and Bucky sits back down.
“You okay, Buck.” Winnie asks.
Bucky nods.
“I’m sorry. I understand the list of names.People you’ve wronged as the Winter Soldier.”
“Don’t push it.”
“I’ve seen that book.” Sam adds. “It was Steve’s when he came out of the ice. I told him about Trouble Man. He wrote it in that book. Did you hear it? What’d you think?”
“I like ‘40s music, so...” Bucky answers.
“You didn’t like it.”
“I liked it.”
“It is a masterpiece, James. Complete. Comprehensive. It captures the African-American experience”
“He’s out of line, but he’s right.”
“Extremely right.” Winnie adds.
“Everyone likes Marvin Gaye.”
“I like Marvin Gaye.”
“Steve adored Marvin Gaye.”
“You must have really looked up to Steve.But I realized something when I met him. The danger with people like him, America’s super soldiers is that we put them on pedestals.”
“Watch your step, Zemo.”
Winnie watches Bucky, and nudges his leg with her foot. He nudges her foot back with a small smile.
“They become symbols. Icons. And then we start to forget about their flaws. From there cities fly, innocent people die. Movements are formed, wars are fought.”
“There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others.” Winnie quotes Machiavelli.
“Clever.” Zemo says then adds “ Do we want to live in a world full of people like the Red Skull? That is why we go to Madripoor.”
“What’s up with Madripoor? You talk about it like it’s Skull Island.”
“It’s an island nation in the Indonesian archipelago. It was a pirate sanctuary in the 1800s.”
“It’s kept it’s lawless ways.”
“Well let’s get the show on the road.” Winnie picks up her bag.
“We can’t exactly walk in as ourselves. James you will have to become someone you claim is gone.”
“We have to fix this.” I’m the only one who looks like a pimp.”
“Only an American would assume a fashion forward Black man looks like a pimp. You look exactly like the man you’re supposed to be playing. The sophisticated, charming, African rake named Conrad Mack, aka the Smiling Tiger.”
“Who am I?” Winnie asks. She dressed in a glittering short golden dress with black thigh high boots.
“A sugar baby.”
“Why am I the sugar baby?”
“It’s a role I thought you would be the most comfortable with.”
“Is this payback for stealing money from you.”
“No.”
“Oh well then Sam and I will be constantly vigilant. I have extra guns strapped to my thighs just in case.���
“The Smiling Tiger doesn’t have a sugar baby.”
“Then who am I..” Winnie’s face falls as she realizes who she’s paired up with on this mission.
“That.” Zemo points to her face,” is payback enough.”
“I don’t like you at all, but good play.” Winnie admits holding out her hand.
Zemo takes her hand and kisses it.
“Oh you don’t have to do that.” Winnie adds.
“No matter what happens we have to stay in character.”
The four of them climb into the car headed for Low Town.
Winnie stays close to Zemo looking around.
Zemo wraps an arm around her and whispers “Relax and fake like you’re meant to be here.”
“Right.” Winnie straightens her postures and twirls her hair between her fingers.
“We’re here.” Zemo then speaks to Bucky in russian: Ready to comply, Winter Soldier.
Once at the bar the bartender welcomes them “ Hello Gentleman, and lady, Wasn’t expecting you, Smiling Tiger.”
“His plans changed, we have to do business with Selby.”
“The usual?” The bartender suggests.
“Ah, Smiling Tiger, your favorite.” Zemo says.
Winnie puts a hand on Zemo’s shoulder and lightly squeezes it.
“I love these.” Sam takes the glass
“Cheers, Conrad.”
Sam takes the drink and swallows the snake organ.
A man comes up to Zemo and Winnie lets go of his arm. Zemo wraps his arm around her.
“I got word from on high. You ain’t welcome here.”
“I have no business with the Power Broker, but if he insists, he can either come and talk to me…”
“New haircut.” The man nods towards Bucky.
“Or bring Selby for a chat.”
“Power broker, really.”
“Every kingdom needs its king. Let’s just stay under his radar.”
“Do you know him?”
“Only by reputation. In Madripoor he is judge, jury, and executioner.” Zemo begins walking to the middle of the room speaking Russian to Bucky.
‘ Oh no, Winnie thinks, it’s showtime.’
Bucky attacks the man standing beside Zemo. People begin recording. Multiple men are attacked until a gun is cocked.
“Didn’t take much for him to fall back into form.”
“You’re undoing so much therapy.” Winnie adds softly.
“Keep in character or the whole bar turns against us.” Zemo adds softly before ending Bucky’s commands.
“Selby will see you now.” The bartender says.
“You good?” Sam asks.
Bucky doesn’t answer, just walks off.
The four go up the stairs.
“You should know, Baron.” Selby says “ People don’t just come into my bar and make demands.”
“Not a demand, an offer.”
“A lot has changed since you were here last.By the way I thought you were rotting away in a German prison. How did you escape?”
“People like us always find a way, don’t we. I’m sure you’ve already figured out what I’m here for.”
“You’re taller than I’d heard, Smiling Tiger.”She purs, “ What’s the offer?”
“Tell us what you know about the super soldier serum. And I give you him.” Zemo touches Bucky’s face. “Along with the code words to control him, of course.He will do anything you want.”
“Now that’s the Zemo I remember.”
“I’m glad I decided not to kill you immediately. It’d be a bad date for the pretty thing on your arm. You were right to come to me. Arrogant but right. The super soldier serum is here in Madripoor. Dr. Wilfred Nagel is the man you want to thank. Or condemn, depending on what side of this you’re on. The Power Broker had him working on the serum but things didn’t go as planned.”
“Is Nagel still in Madripoor?”
“Oh the bread crumbs you can have for free, but the bakery is gonna cost you, Baron. And before you get all cute. Don’t think you can find Nagel without me.”
Sam’s cell phone buzzes.
“Answer it.”
Winnie stands with her hands by her side ready to grab her guns.
“On speaker.”
“Hello.”
“Hey, um we need to talk about this situation. It’s been driving me, nuts.”
“What situation exactly are you talkin’ about?”
“Are you high? You know what situation, it’s the only situation me and you have.”
“What situation, Sarah? Say it.”
“The damn boat. And watch your tone. Okay? I let you slide at the bank.”
“The bank, yeah.” Sam scoffs. “Laundered so much… Yeah they’ll come around.”
“If that was the case, then why’d they dog you out, Big time.”
“Yeah you damn right I’m Big Time. You’ll see when I have that banker killed.”
“Cass! What’d I tell you about the Cheerios! I don’t have time for this! Sam I’m sorry let me call you back.”
“Sam? Who’s Sam? Kill them.”
The window breaks and Selby falls shot in the chest.
Bucky and Sam fight the two guards with Bucky grabbing the gun. Winnie follows Zemo to the door.
“They’re going to pin this on us.”
“We have a real problem now, so leave your weapons and follow my lead.”
As they walk out, phone’s all over the island begin buzzing with a bounty on the four of them.
“This is not good.”
“Obviously not good.” Winnie says
A man with a large gun begins shooting at the four, Sam and Bucky go in one direction, Zemo and Winnie in the other.
Winnie begins to notice the pattern of the sniper killing all those who want us dead. It reminds her of the cover she had on missions with Sharon. Winnie and Zemo keep going until they meet up with Sam and Bucky.
“We seem to have a guardian angel.”
“Well this is too perfect.” A woman says walking out of the shadows. “ Drop it Zemo.” She has him at gunpoint.
“Sharon.” Bucky says
“You cost me everything.” Sharon takes a step towards Zemo.
“Sharon wait, someone recreated the super soldier serum and Zemo had a lead.” Sam explains.
“That explains why you guys are here. And Selby’s dead.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
“I stole Steve’s shield, remember? I also took the wings for your ass to save his ass, from his ass. I didn’t have the avengers to back me up. So I’m off the grid in Madripoor.”
Winnie clears her throat,” Sharon.”
“Winnie.”
“Don’t blow smoke, I was on the run too.”
“Was, is, big difference. I don’t speak to my family anymore. I can’t.”
“Listen Sharon we need your help.” Bucky asks.
“No we don’t.” Winnie argues.
Sharon laughs.
“Please.” Bucky tries again.
“Bucky.” Winnie interjects.
“Winnie, we need her help. You two can get over it.” Bucky turns to Winnie.
“I have a place in High Town, You’ll be safe there.”
“Looks like breaking all those laws is treating you well.”
“I thought if I had to hustle, I might as well enjoy the life of a real hustler. You know how much I can get for a real Monet.”
“You never liked art before.” Winnie mentions crossing her arms.
“Deactivate your hustle mode. You sell fake Monets.”
“No, she means real. This gallery specializes in stolen artwork. Monet. Van Gogh. Classics.”
Winnie stops by one painting, and Sharon stands beside her.
“The Beach in Pourville, it was your favorite, right.” Sharon points out.
“Yeah, I didn’t think you were listening, when I spoke about it while experimenting.”
“You said that if you could jump into any painting like Mary Poppins, you’d choose this one. So you could lay on the beach after jumping in the waves and watch the sun set.”
“I know what I said.”
“Have you?”
“Do I look like I’ve been to any beaches?”
“There’s a beach on High Town. You could stay.”
“I can’t leave Buck and Sam.”
“You call him Buck.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s nice,” Sharon turns to the group away from Winnie “ You guys need to change I’m hosting clients in an hour.”
Winnie changes into the gown that Sharon picked for her. Albeit not as sparkly as the one Zemo picked out. It was nice and understated. A short lilac halter dress with a black belt paired with her same thigh high black boots, Zemo had picked out.
Sharon opens the door.
“Sure, Sharon, you can come right in.” Winnie puts on the pearl earrings Sharon picked out.
“You look great.”
“Thanks.”
“You were right.”
“About.”
“Everything, shield, the government, being pessimistic. I didn’t believe you, and then I stole the shield and after being on the run I realized I was wrong the whole time. I shouldn’t have called you a hydra agent, especially after everything you did for Shield and the inventions.”
“The rocket boots work.”
“Course, they did, you made them.”
“You think apologizing after more than seven years is going to fix everything.”
“No, because I know you, and you hold grudges like no one else I know. But it’s a start to not hating me.”
Winnie sighs, “I don’t hate you, that’s too strong of a word but another start would be helping us a little more.”
“I thought you didn’t need my help.”
“Buck was right. Any other information you have is going to help us.”
“ Speaking of Bucky, what is your deal?”
“Deal?”
“Yeah are you two friends or more, because I…” Sharon starts but gets interrupted.
“Don’t.” Winnie says sharply.
“Oh.” Sharon smiles.
“Not like that. It’s just, you remember when we’d go out together, and I’d flirt with a guy and then they’d ask me for your number.”
“You don’t want that to happen to Bucky.”
“I plead the fifth.”
“Noted. Just uh he might have heart palpitations when he sees you in this dress.”
“Sharon, go check on the guys.”
Sharon walks in the room as Sam’s changing shirts.
“Much better.”
“What’s going on Sharon? You don’t ever wanna come back home?”
“They’ll lock me up if I step foot back in the States.”
“Madripoor doesn’t allow extradition.”
“Look I’m sorry I didn’t call. But after the blip and the chaos. I just..”
“Look you know the hero thing is a joke, right. The way you gave up that shield.deep down, you must know it's all hypocrisy.”
“He knows. And not so deep down.”
“By the way how is the new Cap?” Sharon asks.
“Don’t get me started.” Bucky answers.
“I punched him in the face.” Winnie enters the room in her new dress.
“You look nice.” Bucky looks away from Winnie.
“Thanks.” Winnie sits on the other couch by Zemo.
“Please you buy into all that stars and stripes bullshit. Before you were his pet psychopath, you were Mr.America! Cap’s best friend.” Sharon sits down by Bucky.
“Wow, she’s kind of awful now.”
“Karli Morgenthau and at least seven others have taken the serum.” Sam starts.
Winnie looks down at her phone tracking the shield and John just to see that they are still in Germany.
“You guys really should steer clear of all this for your own safety. Winnie, seriously, you can and should stay here with me. You know all about art and I can get you drawing again, or inventing. Plenty of people would pay big money for rocket boots, or taser whips, boomerang daggers.”
“I can’t.”
“We know it’s a risk, but we won’t leave until we find the person that cracked the code.”
“We got a name, Wilfred Nagel.”
“Nagel works for the Power Broker.”
“We need your help Sharon, I can get your name cleared.”
“You haggling with my life?”
“Not like that.”
“I don’t buy that.”
“You pretending like you can clear my name.”
“Okay maybe it is hypocrisy. Maybe you’re right. What happened to you. But I’m willing to try if you are. They cleared the bionic staring machine, and he killed almost everybody he’s met.”
Sharon looks at Bucky, he’s glaring at Zemo, who’s talking to Winnie about art.
“You draw and paint?” Zemo asks.
“I did, when I had the stuff or the time.” Winnie shrugs and pulls out her tattered sketchbook with pages falling out. She opens it flipping through a few landscapes and portraits of people she saw at coffee shops.
“You stole money from a billionaire and you didn’t steal enough for art supplies.” Zemo questions.
“I only stole money from you for rent, groceries and to sponsor a few Sokovian families.” Winnie explains. “ I make a tight budget and stick to it.”
“You.. what?” Zemo looks surprised.
“I sponsored a few Sokovian families to emigrate to the United States. It was anonymous so I don’t know where they ended up.”
“I heard that.” Bucky adds to Sharon.
“I don’t trust charity.”
“All right, a deal then.”
“You help us out, and I get your name cleared.”
Sharon shakes his hand.
“Well I sell to some well connected people. Lay low, blend in, enjoy the party. Try to stay out of trouble. I’ll see what I can find.”
“Trouble.”
Loud electronic music plays. People are everywhere, dancing with everyone. Winnie feels a little out of place.
“A part to play,again.” Zemo says from behind her. “Relax, your friend said to have fun.”
“Ex-friend, and secondly parties like this aren’t fun for me. I’d rather be..” She’s interrupted by Zemo.
“You’d rather be in some greasy spoon hole in the wall diner with James, sharing a milkshake.”
“Malts, and second why do you think this?”
“On the plane when after James choked me, you asked if he was okay.”
“Friends do that.”
“Again on the plane when I made James uncomfortable, you kicked his leg.”
“Yeah, checking up on him without asking if he’s okay. “
“ He stares at you when you aren’t looking.”
“He stares at everyone.”
“When he stares at you though, his features soften.”
“And.”
“Also when we were talking about art, he was glaring at me.”
“He doesn’t like you much anyway. He has reason to glare at you that doesn’t have to do with me.”
“I’m just saying if you two both feel the same way, why wait? No one is guaranteed time on this earth.”
“You’re ridiculous. Also you might want to change your pin code. Your dead wife’s birthday isn’t a secure code.” Winnie walks off from Zemo.
Winnie finds Bucky by himself on the outskirts of the dance floor.
“Need a breather.”
“Yeah.”
“Winnie, stay away from Zemo. He plays mind games”
“I can handle myself. We were talking about you.”
“That’s another reason why you should stay away from him.”
“He said you like me cause you stare at me, but..”
“I gotta find Sam.” Bucky walks off to find Sam.
The moment Bucky is out of sight Zemo walks back to her.
“Did you get the answer?” He asks.
“Yeah, I did. Not the one I wanted” Winnie nods then says “ Let’s dance, Zem.”
Bucky looks around and finds Sam.
“Winnie knows.” Bucky says nervously to Sam.
“She’s a genius and a hacker. What specifically does she know?”
“She knows that I..” Bucky trails off when Sharon arrives.
“Don’t let me interrupt this.” She says. “ Winnie knows that you..”
“I’m fond of her being around.” Bucky finishes.
“That was a secret?” Sam asks.
“Yes, did you know?”
“Of course I knew. The real question is does she like you?” Sam looks towards Sharon.
“I’m not violating Winnie’s trust. She just stopped hating me. I also found him.”
“Okay Bucky, let’s put in a pin in your love life problem for now, and let’s get this guy. Here we go.”
Sharon signals Winnie and Zemo and they follow the three out of the party.
“Madripoor can give New York a run for its money.”
“They know how to party.”
“You’re not a bad dancer, Zem.”
“Neither are you Win.”
“With that bounty on your head, the longer you’re in Madripoor, the less likely you’re ever leaving. All right. He’s in there. Container four-two-six-one. I’ll keep an eye out while you guys talk to Nagel.”
“Need help out here.” Winnie offers.
“No I got it.” Sharon insists.
Winnie follows the three guys inside putting in her ear piece.
“Completely empty.”
“I’m positive it has to be.”
Walking around on the inside with a flashlight Zemo pushes in the false wall. Music is playing softly.
“Mel Torme, good taste.” Winnie whispers.
“Agreed.” Zemo motions for Bucky and Sam to go forward with the guns.
Winnie pulls out her guns, ready for anything and follows walking through the makeshift lab.She listens out for any signs of struggle from Sharon outside.
Zemo stops the record.
“Dr.Nagel?”
“Who are you? What do you want?”
“We know you created the super soldier serum.”
“Get out of my lab.”
“Hey. You know who he is right.This is Baron Zemo.I know you've heard of him too. You seem like a pretty smart guy. So you better become conversational real quick.”
“How about a counter proposal? Make me a better offer and I’ll talk.”
Winnie looks around at the chemicals and the serum making process. It would take years to make sense of this.
“Guys we have company.” Sharon says from the ear pieces. “Every bounty hunter in the city is here we gotta go.”
Bucky grabs the doctor and puts him in a chair with a gun in his face. He fires the gun near him.
“Okay.I was brought into Hydra’s Winter Soldier program to pick up their work after the five failed test subjects in Siberia. When Hydra fell I was recruited by the CIA. They had blood samples from an American test subject, with semi-stable traces of serum in his system.After much labor, I was able to isolate the necessary components in his blood. I was a god. I did what no other scientist since Erskine was able to do. But mine was going to be different. No clunky machines or jacked up bodies. Mine was going to be subtle, optimized. Perfect.”
“How have we never heard about this?”
“Because before I was able to complete my work. I turned to dust.Then when I returned, it was five years later,the program had been abandoned, so I came here. THe Power Broker was more than happy to fund the recreation of my work.”
“How many vials did you make?”
“Twenty.”
“Karli Morgenthau stole those, so I can only imagine what the Power Broker has planned for that poor girl.”
“Where’s Karli now?”
“I don’t know where she is. But a couple of days ago she called and asked if I could help someone named Donya Madani. Poor woman has tuberculosis. Typical of overpopulation in displacement camps like that.”
“Well, what happened to her?”
“Not my pig, not my farm.”
“Is there any serum in this lab?”
“No.”
“Now what?”
“Guys we’re seriously outta time here.”
Zemo shots the doctor.
“No!”
A large explosion throws the five on the other side of the lab.
Bucky, Sam, Winnie, and Sharon on one side with Zemo on the other.
“Anybody see Zemo?” Sam asks.
“Let’s go.” Bucky pulls Winnie and Sharon up.
“Alright wait for my signal.”
Gunfire breaks out.
Sam goes early.
“Damnit.” Bucky says running after providing cover for Sam.
“You know the drill, right Winnie.” Sharon says.
“Yeah yeah, go.”
Sharon and Winnie run and fall into their old routine, as though it’s been no time since they were partners. The four find cover and keep shooting.
“And you like living here?”
“It’s not terrible.”
“It’s pretty terrible, Sharon.”
“I thought you were going left.”
“You went the wrong way.”
“I was clearing the way.”
“Do they always fight like this?” Sharon asks.
“Pretty much.” Winnie answers.
“I came out first. You had to follow me.”
“And where are we now!”
“Guys, Not the time!”
“I’m out.”
“This is a barricade.”
“It’s in every action movie.”
“Might have some more in my backpack.” Winnie tells Sharon.
“You carry ammunition in a Jansport.”
“I didn’t judge you in your home with the off season prada purse you were carrying.”
The four look up and see Zemo with a purple mask sniping the way clear.
“Go.” Bucky taps Winnie and Sharon
They grab each other and run.
Bucky and Sam follow into a shipping container.
A car screeches to halt with Zemo in it,
“Supercharged.”
“You’re going back to jail.”
“Do you want to find Karli or not?”
“He’s right, we need him.”
“There’s three of us and at least twenty of them.”
“Fine but if you try that shit again…”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Well that was one hell of a reunion.”
The four get in the car.
“Come back to the states with us.”
“I can’t. Just get me the pardon you promised me. And here.” Sharon gives Winnie back the flash drive with all the hydra information on it.
“Thanks.”
“You’re not gonna move your seat up, are you.”
“No.”
On board the private jet Sam calls Joaquin about Donya Madani.
“Oh ask him about the secret Winnie project.”
“Sure.”
“Do you have information on some secret Winnie project?”
“Yeah yeah it’s a bad name, she’ll work on it. Nothing, yet, okay more importantly is Donya Madani.”
Winnie looks down at her phone tracking John with earbuds in listening to his conversations.
“You okay?” Bucky asks seeing Sam flop down into a chair.
“Yeah. Just thinking about all the shit Sharon had to go through, and Nagel referring to the American test subject like Isaiah wasn’t even a real person. Just makes me wonder how many people have to get steamrolled to make way for this hunk of metal.”
“Well it depends on who you ask. That hunk of metal saved a lot of lives.”
“Yeah I get that. All right. Maybe I made a mistake.”
“You did.”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have put it in a museum. I should have destroyed it. “
“Look that shield represents a lotta things to a lotta people, including me. The world is upside down, and we need a new Cap. and it aint gonna be Walker. So before you destroy it, I’ll take it from him myself.”
Joaquin calls Sam back and Zemo comes back with plates of food.
He gestures towards Winnie and says to Bucky“ Can she hear us?”
“No, she’s in survelliance mode. Put a tracker on the new Cap.”
“Smart.”
“Surprised she hasn’t put one on you.”
“Winnie is quite special, isn’t she?”
“Whatever you're thinking about saying or doing, don’t.”
“Oh I have no interest in her. Besides a financial one.”
“You want her to hack on your behalf, not gonna happen.”
“No, she’s an artist.”
“You want to pay her to draw and paint.”
“Yes, she’s very talented. She showed me her sketchbook, you’ve seen it haven’t you?”
“No.”
“Hm, interesting.”
“Stop.”
“They found Madani. Dead. She died in Riga, a city near the Baltic Sea.”
“I have a place we can go.” Zemo says. “I for one am looking forward to coming face to face with Karli. Oeznik we’re changing course.”
“Walker knows you two broke out Zemo.” Winnie says taking out her earbuds. “ He’s also not too concerned with his rules of engagement.”
Walking down the streets of Riga, Latvia, Zemo begins talking. Winnie looks at the small buildings lining the street, it looks like painting by the sea.
“I don’t suppose any of you bothered visiting the memorial, at least the thief donated.” Zemo gestures to Winnie.
Zemo stops at a large building, “We are here.”
“I’m gonna go on a walk.” Bucky says.
“You good?”
“Yeah.”
“Be careful.” Winnie adds.
“Always am.” Bucky nods.
Once Zemo and Sam are inside Winnie follows them.
Sam turns towards Winnie with a smile.
“What?”
“Be careful.” Sam mimics her.
“Not you too.”
“No it’s cute. It’s adorable actually. That you have no clue.” Sam says.
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renee-writer · 4 years
Text
Hitman Chapter 14 Church, Jamie, and Ghost
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A/N This will be the last chapter until 2020 as @ladymeraud is on holiday. Also TW contains a graphic description of a child's death.
After breakfast and a few minutes playing with wee Jamie, he gathers his laptop and heads to see Father Bane at church. He needs to show the good father his side business, all he had done. He most find a type of absolution, to change, to find Jamie and lose ghost, he must. For himself, for Claire, and for his family. Wee Jamie carries his name. He must see it is a good one.
He arrives and before they start their therapy session, Father Bane leads mass. His homily is on forgiveness. He keeps his eyes mainly on Jamie as the early morning mass draws a sparse crowd. Jamie doesn’t take communion knowing he was no where near ready but the service, his first in many years, steadied him some.
They sit down after mass with tea. ‘’So Jamie, show me your work.’’ Jamie opens his laptop, booting up his dark web page for the first time in a month. He shows the good father all. From his first kill of a man convicted of rape of a child, inexplicably free on bail while awaiting sentencing. Right up to the Randall’s.
‘’You were the one who killed the famous human trafficker in America?’’ Father Bane confirms while crossing himself. He hadn’t stopped doing that since Jamie started talking.
‘’Aye I did,’’ there is no pride in his voice but no shame either. ‘’Most of the money made from that job, including what I received from pawning the gun, went to the Southern Poverty Law Center.’’ It is one of the hundred jobs he had done in the last five years. All men, except Mrs. Randall. All evil in their own way.
‘’You give a portion of your earnings to charity?’’ It is a glimmer of hope for his healing and Father Bane clings to it.
‘’Aye. I dinna need the money. Most goes to charity or the victims. I only keep what is needed to do the job, to pay for the website, travel expenses. I can’t always carry my own gun or other tools so they sometimes have to be purchased on site. Easy enough in the States, hardest in Japan but I've a man there.’’ No emotions. Just the facts. Like he is reading out of a encyclopedia. Father Bane can see the change in Jamie, as Ghost enters the office. The personality that allows Jamie to do what he had been doing.
‘’Jamie, who are you right now?’’ Jamie meets his eyes, his eyes darkened to a deep indigo. Ghost was fully in the room.
‘’Father, I am not sure. My work with the website had to be free of emotion. Robotic almost. Those people were evil. Taken them out was a service to humanity. Child molesters, human traffickers, men who hurt women and children. No one was stopping them.’’ His hands fist and his breathing changes as his eyes darkened farther. The little baby he had baptized, the lad who served as an alter boy, was gone
.
‘’So you felt called to?’’ he gently asks.
‘’Aye, that is my job. To take them out. I am selective. I get emails from men asking me to take out their wives. I dinna do that.’’
‘’Except for Mrs. Randall?’’
‘’Aye, but she was funneling drug money through charities set up to help children. Denying them food, clothing, toys. Nae, she had to go.’’
‘’Also just maybe because she was associated with Claire. Would you hurt her?’’ he asks meeting his eyes straight on.
Jamie's eyes changed from the dark troubled water of the loach’s in winter to the soft blue of a spring sky. A tear ran down his eye. ‘’Nae I would never harm her.’’
‘’What do you think will happen when you tell her what really happened to her husband and his family?’’
‘’I dinna ken, I hope and pray she will forgive me.’’
‘’Jamie, you told me about this woman, Sandy, who is trying to hurt Claire. How are you handling that?’’
‘’I wish to handle it the right way, through the barrister. To see it taken care of it without hurting Claire.’’ Ghost answers. The thought of harm coming to Claire brought him back out.
Father Bane saw and understood the changes. He had experienced them himself. ‘’James, talk to me about the war. Tell me what happened to make you keep Ghost.’’
He tells him all about the war and the death of Saleem that had changed him forever.
‘’He was firing at my men. It was my job and responsibility to stop him. There was no time to mask my gun or the shot. He must have saw the glint off my gun. I didn’t see the child until his father lifted him up in front of him. You canna call back a bullet. Oh I've tried in ever nightmare since. I watched it enter the lads heart 50 f'ing caliber. Christ, it destroyed the lad. Killed his bloody father too. Not that that was much consolation. I can still see the shocked look on his face. Still hear the mourning wails of his mam.’’ He is freely crying after he is done. Father Bane takes his hands and lets him. The tears are good, healing.
By the end of two hours, Jamie is tired, hollowed out. Father Bane knows it is enough for today.
‘’Jamie, I would like to see you again in two days. We have a lot of work to do.’’ He prays with him, hugs him, and sends him back to his family to rest.
He calls Claire, getting her voice mail as she is at work. He tells her he loves and misses her before joining his wee nephew for a nap. It is going to be a long two months.
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a-milky-strawberry · 5 years
Text
Suga x Reader - Cold (2) (Angst/Slight Fluff)
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It’s been years since you were discharged from the hospital. The doctor had put you in a therapy program. You were required to meet with a man 3 times a week to discuss your “condition”.Due to the fact you didn’t go to half of them, you now had to have the sessions in your own personal home. Whoopee! At the time your parents were so anxious and frustrated over you that you felt you couldn’t even take a shit without them trying to break down the bathroom door. The last straw was when they told you (not asked you, told you) that they were going to take the hinges off of every door in the house, not including the front or back door. Yep, that meant the bathroom, your room, their room, closets, etc.. You moved out 2 days later. You had found a nice, small apartment that was cheap to the point of being suspicious. There was no kitchen, 1 bathroom, and your living area and bedroom were connected. The only thing you had remotely close to a kitchen was a mini fridge and a hot plate. It was kinda like a studio only smaller.
You weren’t going to do anything stupid with moving out and plus you hadn’t done much of anything since you got discharged. In fact, you had taken temporary leave from school and they understood once word got around about your accident. However, the pity in their eyes made you wanna vomit. You didn’t need their pity, their “how are you feeling today”’s, or the burdensome help. You just wanted to be left the hell alone. Was that really too much to ask? With the money you were saving for grad school you instead used it to get said tiny studio in Jeonju. The tenants were primarily old people but they were nice and it was always quiet. Sometimes you’d joke to yourself if you accidentally rented in a retirement home.
Today the weather was nice and sunny but due to your blackout curtains you could hardly tell. If it weren’t for the small gaps on the side shining a bit of natural light you’d think you lived in eternal darkness. Besides, the T.V. provided enough light for you as you laid on the cool wood floor. You weren’t watching anything in particular, just surfing the channels for anything interesting. A familiar song bombarded your ears and you tune into the screen.
BTS.
If you could’ve rolled your eyes any harder they’d get stuck staring at your brain.
It wasn’t that you despised them now. In fact, you were still on good terms with them. Well, except for that piece of shit moron Suga. You clicked your tongue as that name entered your head as his face shown on your screen. You spit on the name Min Yoongi. Being that you had an extreme allergic reaction to him caused you to miss out on some good songs and concerts. Though you didn;t really care because--
*K-Chlick*
You groaned thinking you had jinxed yourself as your heard your front door being unlocked by a certain spare key.
“HEY!! WAKEY-WAKEY BEST FRIEND!!” 
Oh no. Please no.
“WOW! IT’S SUPER DARK IN HERE!”
Your curtains flew upon letting in the blinding rays of death. You curled up in a ball and let of a harsh hiss as you were temporarily blinded.
“THERE! NOW IT’S ALMOST AS BRIGHT AS ME!!”
Sigh. You jinxed it.
J-Hope. Jung Hoseok. Sunshine. Your Hope, Hobi.
Now, you hadn’t given him a spare key specifically. You had given it to Jungkook, your still best friend. He gives it to one of the members in rotation when he doesn’t have enough time to check on you. But now, you have almost every member busting through your day everyday even without warning. However, none of the guys are as loud as J-Hope, but what did you expect?
You felt as if someone was staring at you and it had gotten way too quiet. You peeked open your eyes and saw a smiling Hobi with the sun rays in the background like he was some goddamn angel.
“Hey best friend! Didya miss me? Huh? Huh?! Didya?!”
“As much as I hate to admit it, your presence is very… overpowering.” You sighed.
He dramatically gasped and clutched his heart. “Did I just hear a compliment that wasn’t bitter or sarcastic? Am I dreaming?!”
You groaned at his theatrics. “Don’t push it.”
You then felt some strong back pats and rubs. “Okay, okay. Anyway, I brought you lunch.”
You uncurled and sat up to see a large fast food bag and the smell of salty fries and processed cheese with sweaty meat.
“Lemme guess… McDonald’s? Cheeseburger, medium fries, and a Sprite.”
This man had the nerve to look shocked at your obvious guess. “H-How’d you know?”
“You bring me the same thing every time you come over, Hoseok. At least be original and bring me like a Fillet Fish or something.”
Hoseok chuckled embarrassed and scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
You turned your attention back to your T.V. and changed the channel to a random sitcom that played. “You can have it. I’m not hungry.”
Hoseok frowned. “Are you not eating again?”
You rolled your eyes. “First off, just because I was lazy not to walk alllll the way to the kitchen at my parent’s house doesn’t mean I was unintentionally not eating. Second off, no dummy, I just went out last night and picked up some street food. I had some leftover this morning too, so I’m not all that hungry.”
You side-eyed the greasy food on the floor. “Plus, if I eat another McDonald’s cheeseburger again I’m gonna be sick.”
Hoseok laughed. “Fair enough.” He gathered the fast food bag and put it in your fridge for “that special midnight craving”.
As he was heading towards the door, he stopped and looked back.
“Hey, ummm… (Y/N)?”
“Uh-huh?” I answered still watching the sitcom.
“There’s gonna be a concert tomorrow night. And I was wondering… if you wanted to come this time.”
Here we go again. Anytime the guys would visit they would try to convince you to get out of the house to go to either their concerts, after parties, movie nights, and it didn’t matter where you were, on the toilet, in the shower, night outs, lunch, dinner, brunch, you name it. A tiny part of you wants to go, like it’s still clings to who you once were. But, the rest of you doesn’t want to exist socially and you feel like if you see Suga nothing’s gonna stop your fists from colliding on his cheek.
“Probably not--”
“Please (Y/N). I’m begging you.” He was now fully turned towards you and on his knees. “We haven’t been able to be all together or see you as much since you moved out from your parents and we miss you.”
You stayed silent.
“Everyone is so worried about you. Even Bang PD-nim. Everyone misses you and they want to see how you’re doing. Please (Y/N).”
You felt this weird pain in your chest. Almost like your heart was clenching tight at his plea. Why did you feel pain over this?
“I didn’t ask for ANYONE to be worried about me. I’m FINE!” you snapped. You didn’t mean to snap at him or was it that you didn’t mean to be defensive?  Why were you getting so in a knot over this? Just tell him no like you have multiple times. Or was this feeling because you wanted to go? It’s now making your head hurt over how stupidly convoluted your overthinking was.
Hoseok sighed. “If you won’t come for us, then please visit Yeontan.”
Yeontan? V’s puppy?
“I know you saw on Twitter that he got a puppy. Don’t you want Yeontan to meet his auntie?”
Well,... you had been wanting to meet that fluff ball too and the pictures you saw on Twitter made you have a case of FOMO big time. He was the only one that made a small smile appear on your lips and a twinge of happiness in your heart.
You sighed. “Maybe.” you mumbled as you closed your blackout curtains back.
Hoseok was silent for a while before heavy stomps made their way towards you and you were lifted off the ground. “FOR REAL?! OH THANK YOU (Y/N)!!” he screamed as he lunged forward and picked you up in celebration. “YOU WON’T REGRET THIS IS SWEAR!”
“Put. Me. Down. You. ANIMAL!” you yelped. “I’m getting nauseous!”
Hoseok put you down and ran towards the door. “Just wait until I tell the guys about this! They’re gonna be sooo psyched!”
“Dumbass! I said--” the door slammed closed with Hoseok already gone “maybe…”
You clicked your tongue at his brashness. You never fully agreed to go. He was blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Besides, how’d he even think you were going to get it? The concert is tomorrow night. If there is a ticket out there it probably costs an arm and a leg to get it. And that’s not counting if it’s also fake. You groaned in frustration and fell to the floor already tired of the day’s events. You felt your eyelids grow heavy and decided on a cat nap. You crawled over to your mattress and pushed it closer to the T.V. You laid on top and wrapped yourself in a warm weighted blanket and snuggled into your pillow. Before you knew it, you were fast asleep.
---
It was the night of the concert and you were staring at the ceiling in the dark. Why was yesterday’s talk with Hoseok bothering you so much? You hadn’t stopped thinking about it since he left and it was honestly giving you a headache.
*Grooowl*
Your stomach cut through the silence. You lazily crawled over to the fridge and winced at the bright light and shivered from the cool air. There wasn’t much, except the greasy bag of McDonald’s Hoseok had given you yesterday. Sighing, and praying that you don’t get an upset stomach, you took the bag and opened it.
You pulled out some fries and them being illuminated by the fridge light was a ticket and a backstage pass sticking out of it. You automatically groaned and took them both out. What also caught your eye was on the fries bag was written: ‘PLEASE!’ You pulled out the chicken nuggets: ‘PLEASE!’ The cheeseburger: ‘PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!’
Your eye twitched in annoyance. He really was trying here. You looked back at the ticket and then at your phone.
“The concert’s already started… Is there any point in going anymore? Plus, I didn’t even promise that I would even go…”
You looked back at the pleading food and remembered Hoseok’s face when he collapsed on his hands and knees. And even when you told him ‘maybe’ he looked so happy. He would want me to go for even a little while, right? You sighed, got up on your feet, and walked over to your closet.
“Where’d I put that hoodie?”
---
You were now standing outside the stadium already regretting your choices of being outside. You had drove nearly 3 hours from home to this concert and you were already having second thoughts. You suddenly had a stomach-churning flashback as you remembered what they’re concerts are like. It’s hot and loud and sweaty and full of screams; both fanboys and fangirls. You shivered and shrugged it off. You were more than late to the concert. You already knew how this would plan out. They’d tell you it was too late, you’d text Hoseok saying you were late and couldn’t get it, and that you would be the end of it. You’d go back to your bed where things were nice and quiet. At least, that’s what you thought…
“Oh, Miss (Y/N)! You finally arrived! I thought you were having second thoughts!”
A perky woman in the ticket booth greeted you happily and took your ticket. How did she--
“How do you know my name?”
“Oh! From BTS, of course. They told me you’d be arriving and gave me a picture as reference. Though, I must admit you do look a little different. But anyways, they told me to let you in no matter what!”
You internally screamed. Of course. That loud mouth J-Hope must’ve gone and run his mouth to every and anyone. Idiot. What if I hadn’t shown up or threw out that McDonald’s? Wait… does that mean he knows I’m--
“Here you are! Enjoy the show!” the woman said giving me back the ticket stub.
I muttered a thanks and went in. You were more towards the front and that meant you’d be pushed and shoved by the mosh of fangirls. Before opening the concert door, you took a deep breath. You could already hear the soft roar of the fans. Maybe they’ll be singing Heartbeat and it’ll be calm when you walk in.
You opened the door and your ears were immediately assaulted with the unholiest of screeches. They weren’t singing Heartbeat. You slammed closed the door and tried to steady your already hyperventilating breathing. God! Were these concerts always this loud?! How were you not deaf?! Okay, okay, okay… this won’t be that bad. Just go in, stay for about 30 minutes, take a picture, send it to the guys, and get the hell out of here. You breathed in once more ready for the game plan and opened the door once more.
You walked down the stairs and found your row. Being meek and polite, you made your way through the horde and found your spot. You looked up at the bright lights that displayed the dancing group. They were singing Dionysus and of course they were giving it 110% almost matching the same volume as the fans. ‘This song… ah… from the new album…’  You tried your best to endure the loud volume and you bobbed your head to the lyrics. Even if your worst enemy was up there, you should at least enjoy the music. The next song to play was HOME which was your favorite because it was nice and slow. The vocals on Jimin, V, and Namjoon were so beautifully woven that you couldn’t help but sway. You looked at Jimin as he sang. ‘Ah… how cute… oh! I should take a picture…’ You took out your phone and as soon as you were going to press the button someone slammed you from behind causing you to drop it. ‘Shit!’ Not worrying about who pushed you, you bent down and started looking. You were getting glares and whispered comments about your situation during such an emotional and beautiful song. You ignored them and kept looking. It was too dark and you could barely see anything apart from the soft glow of the Army Bombs and shoes.
“Excuse me?” said a male voice.
You looked up to see a nice looking boy holding something. “Are you looking for this?” It was your phone! You quickly stood up and nodded. As he handed you the phone he gave you a wink and a chuckle. “I drop my phone sometimes at so many concerts I’d hate for it to happen to someone else. Hold it tight, kay cutie?”
You felt your face go red and I bowed a quick thanks as you went back to your spot. No way… Did that guy just make you… blush?! You shook your head and went back to the task at hand, taking the picture. As you raised your phone up, you saw that Jimin was making a passionate face. Smirking, you took a pic. ‘I bet if I post this…. That’ll be hilarious!’
As the concert came to an end you had a feeling of slight sadness. You had enjoyed the new songs and the silly antics they did. You also saw how dedicated they had become and how grown and strong they looked. Maybe Jungkook was right. It wouldn’t hurt to pop in every now and again. The stadium was clearing out and you sighed and looked at your backstage pass. Then, you had a question that should’ve been asked before coming: Since when did BTS start doing backstage passes? Where would you even go? As you walked up to the silver gate that protected the security and BTS, a security guard walked up to you.
“Miss (Y/N)?” he asked.
Of course it had something to do with J-Hope. “Let me guess. BTS told you about me?”
He nodded and held out his hand. You gave him the pass and he nodded again. “Please follow me.” You took his hand and he helped you over the gate. Some leftover fans stared in disbelief at the fact you were personally being escorted backstage. Walking back there gave you a since nostalgia. Meeting the guys after the concert, congratulating them, going out to eat as celebration and relaxation. Your heart twinged at the memories, but you tried to shrug it off. You were going to see them after a long time. This is a happy thing, right? Happiness…
“We’re here.” spoke the security guard as he opened the door to the green room. The guys weren’t there yet. “You can wait here.”
I said a polite thank you and walked around the room. It was so much bigger. Your boys were getting so popular… Well, they deserved it. As you looked around the room, a cage caught your eye. Curious, you bent down and looked inside. “Yeontan?” The dog seemed to recognize its name and lifted its head. You opened the cage and Yeontan walked up to you, sniffing. You picked up the tiny fluff ball in awe and held it close to your face. “Aww!” you screamed. “Aren’t you just about the cutest thing ever! Who's a good boy?!”
Your words got Yeontan hyped up and he started licking your face. You smiled brightly at the cutie. This was so much better than looking at his pictures on Twitter. “You’re a good boy! Yes, you are! You look like a tiny chocolate chip cookie! I could just eat you up but I wouldn’t because you’d be too sweet!”
“(Y/N)?” called a voice. You looked towards the door and saw all the members staring. All of them. You felt nervous and your stomach started churning again. It’s been years since you’d seen them all together. You normally saw them one at a time, but that didn’t mean you saw them everyday. You had seen one member every few months if you were lucky. They looked tired and Jungkook looked more like an adult. Those pictures on Twitter don’t do him justice. What would you even say to them? What do you say in a situation like this?
“Didja miss me?” Smooth (Y/N), real smooth.
Suddenly, all at once, the members group hugged you and started talking over each other.
“See I told you she’d come--”
“Of course we missed you idiot--”
“You’ve missed so much--”
“We’ve miss you so much--”
“Have you been eating?”
“You look sooo skinny--”
“You playing with Yeontan was sooooo cuuuuuttteeeee--”
You pushed back from the group hug and grinned. “Yeah, yeah… I missed you guys too. You look so mature now.”
“How was the concert?! Didja like it?! Didja love it?! Oh who am I kidding? Of course, you loved it! You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t love it! Didja like our songs?!” Jungkook rattled off a hundred words a minute.
“Jungkook, calm down. You’re going too fast for her to answer.” said Namjoon. “Did you enjoy the concert (Y/N)? We wanted you to be comfortable but thought putting you in VIP would make you irritated.”
“Well, I only caught the middle of Mikrokosmos and to be honest,” you said as they got nervous, “HOME is now officially my new favorite song.”
“Really? You liked it?”Namjoon asked. You nodded. “My favorite vocals were Jimin, V, and you, Namjoon.”
As the guys talked amongst themselves, you glanced a saw a lone figure standing far from the group. Your grin turned sour as you two made eye contact. “H-Hey (Y/N).” The group turned to see your reaction. You turned your attention back to Yeontan still in your arms and looked at V. 
“V, where’d you find this cutie? He’s so adorable!”
Deciding not to make the situation awkward, he answered. “Oh, I got him back in 2017. He is adorable huh?”
“Um… (Y/N)-”
“Where do you find time to take care of him? Ooh! Does he tour with you guys? Like a secret member or something?”
“(Y/N)-”
“Hehe, unfortunately no. He lives with my parents for now because of my busy schedule.”
“Ah, I see. I did see that on Twitter. He lived with you guys at first right?”
V nodded. “Yeah, but when J-Hope told us you’d come to the concert I thought you might want to meet him.”
You smiled and snuggled into Yeontan’s fur. “Well, I’m glad I came. And if you ever need a babysitter for this cutie--”
“You don’t mind?”
“Of course not! From now on, he’s family. Plus, it might liven up my room to have a cute puppy in there before getting one of my own.”
“You’re thinking of getting a puppy?” asked Jimin.
You smiled. “Maybe.”
“You know,” spoke Namjoon, “it’s been forever since I’ve seen that smile.”
You felt your face. You were smiling. Why now? You looked down at Yeontan.
“My dog is magic!!” V shouted, hugging you.
You brushed him off and grinned. “Yeah, maybe he is…”
---
You stayed for a few minutes and talked and played with Yeontan all while avoiding a certain someone. You put Yeontan down and stood up.
“Well, I better get going. It’s pretty late…”
Jungkook shot up. “So soon?”
You nodded. “I’ve done a lot today and I forgot how much a concert takes out of me. I forgot how loud and rowdy they were. I’m exhausted.”
You yawned as you were saying goodbye Jimin caught your hand. “You’ll visit, right? I mean, will you be coming back anymore?”
Then Jungkook grabbed your other hand. “J-Hope hyung told us that maybe you’d open back up and hang out with us and eat dinner with us like you used to? Are you going back to avoiding us? Avoiding me?”
You felt a break in your heart. All those times they invited you out over the years you saw as a burden and troublesome for the awkward tension between you and Min Yoongi. When it fact, you had hurt them. You had moved 2 hours away from them. They wanted you and you were too selfish to even consider that you should just ignore the hatred in your heart for Min Yoongi. 
“Well,” you said softly, “being here brought back a lot of memories. Some good, some bad. Listening to your music again, seeing your passionate faces, watching you guys have fun were one of the many enjoyments I had at your concerts. So…”
You let out a sigh and squeezed Jimin and Jungkook’s hand. “I can’t promise I’ll begin saying yes to outings. My anxiety has gotten really bad over the years and like I said, being here brought some bad memories. I also live far away. But… I would like to be here for you guys again…!”
The members consumed you in a group hug and you left saying goodbye to all but one.
---
As you walked down the street, away from the concert you felt a little happy. ‘Maybe the reason I didn’t want to go out was because of my anxiety. Maybe  should’ve stayed with that therapist. I think I still have their number somewhere. Maybe I should give them a call for more meetings. No. I will call them. First thing in the morning.’
As you were having these thoughts, you had the feeling you were being watched. You glanced back and didn’t see anyone. ‘I really should head home. There are always creeps at this time of night.’ As you sped up the sound of shoes speeding up caught your attention. ‘It’s just your imagination. Just the dark playing tricks. There’s no one there.’ You glanced back but this time you saw a shadowy figure following right behind. Following your instincts, you immediately booked it. The person had the same idea and ran after you. Breathing heavy and the sound of harsh footsteps sent fear through you. Why?! Why was this person following you?! No-- chasing you?! A sasaeng fan?! The thought sent you running faster. As you made it towards a more populated area with cars, you glanced back. All of of sudden honking. A car’s headlights. You froze.
Suddenly, you pulled back onto the sidewalk as the car zoomed by. You whipped your head back to see Min Yoongi, panting and sweating.
“IDIOT! WHY DID YOU JUST STAND THERE?! DID YOU WANT TO GET HIT AGAIN?!” he shouted.
“IDIOT?! ME?! I WAS RUNNING TO GET AWAY AND I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO--”
Wait. Panting. Sweating. Stage clothes still on. Hat and face mask sloppily thrown on.
“WHERE YOU FOLLOWING ME?! WHERE YOU THE ONE CHASING ME?!”
He went silent. 
“Oh my god! You fucking stalker!”
“I’m not a stalker!”
“Oh really?! Let’s assess the situation. It’s nighttime and extremely dark. The only source of light from the stadium to the this main street is a bunch of street lights. Oh! And when I started running, the first thing out of your mouth wasn’t, “Hey (Y/N)!”. It was to run after me like some deranged psycho! Did I also mention IT’S NIGHTTIME! I bunch of fucking weirdos walk around and you expect me to know it was you!”
Your rant made Min Yoongi’s eyes widen and a few onlookers were staring as they passed by. “I-I didn’t think about that…”
You scoffed. “Oh, just like how you weren’t thinking when you told me to disappear and I got hit by that fucking truck? Or when you had the gall to show to the hospital and proclaim your love for me after all you said to my face?!”
He winced. “I said I was sorry--”
“Sorry doesn’t mean shit when your family thinks you should be on some kind of list and your best friends think that for the past 2 years they were the problem and that I was avoiding them! Don’t you realize what you’ve done?!”
You couldn’t stop them from coming. You had tried avoiding this and still the tears you swore to never show had reared its ugly head. 
“D-Don’t you realize what your coldness has done to me…?” you hiccuped and sniffled. “I rarely go outside because I was afraid-- I am afraid that someone is going to hurt me and look down on me the same way you did! And then you have the nerve to save me this time, how dare you! How DARE YOU, MIN YOONGI! WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST TIME!!”
The street grew quiet. Onlookers were now fully staring and little crowd had gathered. Whispering, pointing, gasping. 
“You know… for the first time in years since my accident, I actually had fun today. I heard beautiful music, I got to see my closest friends, and I even smiled.”
You looked him in the eye. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve smiled?”
He didn’t answer.
“A really, really, really, really, long time.”
“(Y/N), I--”
“Save it, okay. I’ve spent way too long hating myself and hating everything because of you. Because of your coldness. I thought that if I behaved as cold as you, nothing would get too close to my heart and I wouldn’t be hurt anymore.”
“(Y/N), please--”
“But after seeing the pain of my friends faces, I’m done being cold. I’m done obsessing over my hatred over you. You’ve eaten up so much of my life before and even after my incident that I need to move on. I guess I never truly moved on, even after all that’s happened. I need to get my life back on track. I need to mend some fences that my coldness have frozen.”
You sighed and wiped your tears. “I’m done with you. Goodbye.”
You walked past the small crowd and made way home. You felt lighter. Better. All those emotions that you shoved and locked deep down came out and you couldn’t help but feel better. You’ve felt so many emotions today. Maybe you can feel something. Maybe it just took one emotion to overpower the others. Hatred. Sadness. Heartbroken. You remember the day of the incident. You felt such sadness and hatred that you didn’t want your tears to flow. Well, now they did. Maybe this is a good thing.
No-- this is a good thing.
- - - 
holy shit. has it really been 2 years since the first one. okay! so! I know promised you guys like months ago that this shit would be out by the weekend but college has been absolutely kicking my ass. like holy shit. tbh i didn’t even think you guys liked the first one. but after seeing that people wanted a sequel here you go! i’m sorry that it’s so goddamn long. it’s been a while since i had to write about something else that wasn’t an essay. anyways, here you guys are! i think i might turn this scenario into a multi-part series, who knows. i will try to upload more consistent and give you guys more kpop scenarios and i might start doing reactions too. my ask box is open if you guys have any suggestions. later noonas and oppas. peace out!
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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/planet-alert-april-2020/
Planet Alert April 2020
Planet Alert April 2020
By Mahala’s Astrology
Welcome Spring! Thank goodness we are on the way to some nice warm weather and more sunshine. I am writing my article a little early this month because of all that is going on in the world. I was totally surprised how fast the whole earth was shut down. I never believed it could happen that fast. For those of you who are staying home; I hope you are enjoying your time off. For the service workers who are still working; I thank you for being the great Beings you are as you continue to help people. What would we do without the nurses and doctors and the people who keep the grocery stores open so we can still get food, and many others who help in many different ways. I bless all of you.
Here is a quote from Kitty O’Meara. “And the people stayed home. And read books and listened, and rested and exercised, and made art and played games, and learned new ways of being and were still, and listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people begin to think differently. And the people healed. And in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and heartless ways, the earth began to heal. And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed”. Thank you Kitty!
In my last article I talked about the 24th chapter of Matthew where it says “when you see a man standing in the Holy Land giving a speech (that would be Trump when he gave his speech in February) then it is time to take to the hills because there will be a time of tribulation like there has never been before.” We are now in that time period because of the Coronavirus. It has affected the whole world.
The Bible also says that this time period would be shortened to save the Elect. This must mean that the virus will not be in effect for as long as the leaders are saying it will be. Right now, the energy of fear is running rampant and this is why we are in the time period of shut-down, which needs to happen to stop this virus.
March is the 3rd month of the year and the word fear adds up to 3. I guess that is why they say March is the month of madness. Maybe the energy will improve when we move into April because that is the 4th month. Passover starts on April 8 and continues until April 16. The full moon is the night of April 7th.
We are experiencing the repeat of the Moses drama right now. Think about what happened in the movie The Ten Commandments. (Hollywood style of course.) Moses went to the pharaoh and said “Let my people go, they want to be free.” Don’t we also want to be free from control right now? Then in the movie many people died, which is happening right now with the virus. Then darkness came upon the land.
In Matthew Chapter 24, it says “At the time of the great tribulation the sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light. The stars will fall from heaven and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.” What will cause this darkness to happen? Could it be the planet Nibiru? I almost forgot about that planet because people had stopped talking about it. Then the other day I received a picture of Nibiru (the Red Kachina) and the email said it is approaching Jupiter’s orbit right now which will soon make it visible to the naked eye. Link Jonas Passos March 16th.
Another prophecy is that the rivers will turn red as Nibiru gets closer to us. This is from the red oxide that comes off the planet. Then I received another email about how the rivers all over the world are turning red right now. Link Rivers and Waters are Turning Red. This is the only thing I can think of that could cause the sun to be darkened and the moon to not give its light, and the heavenly bodies shaken.
The Bible seems to put things in order of how they will happen. First it talks about the man standing in the holy land (USA) then the great tribulation (virus) happens and everyone becomes fearful of this virus. That sure has happened. Then it says that the sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light.
Right after that happens, it says “the sign of the son of man will appear in the heavens and the people of earth will rejoice because we will see the son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory”. He will send out his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather the elect from one end of heaven to the other. This is when we move into the new earth.
I think this time period is getting close because Passover happens in April and so does Easter. If this darkness does happen at that time, are you ready? The conspiracy theory says that the darkness starts on April 1st and will continue until April 10th, which is Good Friday. I don’t know exactly when this will happen but it is the next thing on the agenda. I know I have repeated much of what I said in my last newsletter but I thought it was important to repeat it because we are now in the great tribulation and the darkness could happen at any time.
Many planets have been lined-up in Capricorn since January 12-13, 2020. Capricorn rules structures and governments and look at what has happened since January. The structures are coming down big time. I have never seen anything like this happen in my life- time, have you? 
Mars went into Capricorn on February 18, 2020 and started triggering all of the planets in Capricorn. Mars is an energy planet and is good at triggering events. When Mars made an aspect to Jupiter, the stock Market started to go down and is still going down. This is so the new money system can come onboard, which is already set-up and ready to go. 
Pluto rules viruses and that is why the pandemic got so bad in March because Mars had been approaching Pluto. Mars and Pluto are exactly conjunct today. This means that a crisis has happened, and now Mars will start moving away from Pluto, although it may take a while before the virus leaves.
Mars will be in Capricorn until the end of March, and then Mars will move into Aquarius and join Saturn. This will be an entirely different energy because Capricorn rules control and Aquarius rules freedom. We will then move out of the control energy and start manifesting freedom. I think April will be a very intense month because the sun will be in Aries which is ruled by Mars until April 20. Then the sun moves into Taurus and everything changes.
Light manifests the energy of 11/2 and the word dark manifests the energy of 16/7, which is the Tower Struck by Lightning in the Tarot. I think the towers are starting to fall. If we add 2 + 7 it adds up to 9 and that is the energy of love which is the glue that holds our Universe together. Love encompasses everything so “Think with your Heart “and we will make it through this great tribulation with flying colors. Maybe everything will change for the better by Mother’s Day. Wouldn’t that be nice.
So Be It.
***** Written in light and love by Mahala Gayle ****
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darthkieduss · 5 years
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Reasons I hate Fat Donnie Trump (will update frequently)
#Republican, duh. #Narcissistic Personality Order #He lost the Popular vote. #No previous political experience #Has unrealistic ideas about how to solve America's problems, such as getting Mexico to pay for a wall to keep illegal immigrants out. #Vice President is a crazy fundamentalist Christian homophobic wackjob who thinks electroshock therapy cures homosexuality and can't be alone with a woman without his wife present. #Believes in unscientific ideas such as the idea that vaccines cause autism (I am autistic so this is a bit personal) #Has made comments alluding to sexual harassment. #Can't let any slight go. Even comments made about his sign. Jeez, Obama simply shrugged off the trolls and haters. #Won't stop bitch-tweeting. #Enacted the separation of children from their parents. #Tried to ban trans folks from the military. As long as they serve our country, who cares? #Suspended CNN's press pass after some tough questioning. #Is imposing insanely high tariffs on imported goods, mostly from China. #Supports unconstitutional profiling of Muslims. #Supports killing civilians in war. “We gotta take our their families” WHO THINKS LIKE THIS? #Posted troops on the border just for political advantage in the 2018 mid-terms. #Is a shameless self-promoter. #Can't admit his own faults. #Believes he's qualified for president because he's rich (said this in 2013) #Has passed insane tax cuts for the rich, which only increase America's budget deficit and national debt. TRICKLE-DOWN NEVER WORKS. #Had to be discouraged from invading Venezuela, who hasn't done anything to us and poses no threat to us. #Gets advice from Fox News. #Pulled out the Iran deal which was working. #Thinks that the way to show strength is by being a dick. #Cheated on every one of his wives and lied about it. We impeached Bill Clinton for it. #Has increased the military budget way too much. We spend $664 BILLION on the military. It doesn't need anymore. #Claimed Obama spied on him by wiretapping the Trump towers. Provided no evidence. #When he is criticized for something, he claims “Obama started it...” *facepalm* #LIES ON A CONSTANT BASIS. I think he lies just to see what his fans will believe... #He won't admit he lost the popular vote. He says "If you deduct the illegal voters." Oh please... #Is undoing everything Obama did just because it was Obama that did it. If he could bring back Osama bin Laden, he would. #WORLD LEADERS ARE LAUGHING AT HIM AND US #He has his cabinet kiss his ass on a constant basis. #He committed campaign finance violations during the election. #He fired FBI Director Jimmy the Giant Comey just because he wouldn't swear loyalty to him and was investigating him. That’s Obstruction of Justice. #Attacked former Attorney General Jeff Sessions for not closing the Mueller investigation. #He said he wanted to lower the minimum wage back in 2015. #The infamous "Mexicans are rapists" Comment. #Attacked the late John McCain for being a Prisoner-of-War. #Gave out a Senator's cellphone number out of spite. #Blamed Megyn Kelly's tough questioning on her period. #He said "Bring back torture EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK". (2015) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! #Tried to have his political opponents locked up. #"Jokes" about being president-for-life. If Obama had "joked" about this, the right would've lost their shit. #Threatened martial law in Chicago. #Praised Protestant bigot Norman Peale, who only opposed JFK simply because he was Catholic. #He violated the Presidential Records Act. #One of his tax cuts gave the poor $40, the ultra-rich $940,000 #He appeals to insecure men. #He and Jeff Sessions said it is ok to discriminate against gay people. #Complains about people not respecting the flag, says the guy who molests it. #Wants North Korean-style Military Parades. #Started that Obama birth certificate bullshit... He only said Obama was born in America in 2016...when it was politically-convenient. (*cough* back-pedaling) #He believes women are beneath him. #Doesn't believe in Global Warming. #Wouldn't stop saying interrupting Clinton in the debates. #Has more in common with the criminal Richard Nixon than anyone else. (Edit: He called for an end to investigations like Tricky Dick did in ‘74) #3.2 MILLION Americans lost their health insurance in Trump's first year. #"A terror attack would help me politically bigly." or we could NOT have a terrorist attack, thank you. #Claimed he would've run into a school shooting to confront the shooter without a weapon. BULLSHIT. #His lawyers say "I can't let him testify because he can't stop lying." #His budget obliterated funding for Science, Education, EPA & labor. #He encourages Republicans to break the law. #Tweeted FAKE photos to convince his fans that the border wall is being built. #Has committed obstruction of justice. (Edit: Confirmed by Mueller) #Said he's in favor of bombing civilians. #He had the USAF bomb an antivenom medical facility in Syria. #He said he only received $1 Million from his father. HE GOT $400 Million. ANOTHER LIE. #He makes everything about himself. Even 9/11. Who makes 9/11 about himself? #Claims he's completely immune to lawsuits over constitutional violations. Nixon said that, but it didn't work for him. #He's driving us to another Great Depression. #He threatened to punish the media if they weren't nice to him. #He calls the press "The enemy of the people" when they don't kiss his ass. #He calls Sean Hannity every night. Sean Hannity is a partisan hack who wouldn't turn on a Republican president even if he found out he was using JFK's Eternal Flame to light farts. He’s so far up Trump’s ass he can taste his lunch. #He still uses his private NON-SECURE cell phone, creating HUGE National Security problems. #He admitted his attacks on the media are just to discredit negative stories. #He claims he has the power to pardon himself. NO THE HELL HE DOESN'T. #Giuliani said Trump can't testify because his memory keeps changing. #THE MOST THIN-SKINNED PRESIDENT. #He is against the protections for pre-existing conditions. HE is a pre-existing condition. #When told Kim Jong-Un is a murderer, he responded "He's a tough guy." #He says Americans should obey him like North Koreans are forced at gunpoint to obey Kim Jong-un. #He trusts brutal dictators, but not our closest allies. #He is jealous of Kim Jong-Un's absolute grip on power. #He lied about the German crime rate to justify his immigration policies. #He suggested destroying the Constitution so he can deport immigrants faster. #Authorized USING LETHAL FORCE ON UNARMED MIGRANTS!!! #Lied to the United Nations, saying poverty in America doesn't actually exist. I PERSONALLY know people who are living in poverty. #He issued a gag order to stop government employees from talking to reporters. #He said, on tape, that if Senator Elizabeth Warren proved she was Native American, he would donate $1 million to a charity of her choice. When she did, and someone pointed it out, he said "I didn't say that." Whether or not he’s obligated to pay, he said he would but now he’s saying he didn’t say it. #Says people who criticize him are a threat to America. #His trade wars have cost 100,000+ American jobs. #People who work for him tend to be convicted of crimes... #Makes slanderous lies about us Democrats. #Told German Chancellor she owes him $1 Trillion even though she doesn't him shit. #76% of the claims Trump makes during his rallies are LIES. #He has committed at least NINE impeachable offenses. #He said he believes Russian president Vladimir Putin over OUR OWN intelligence agencies. #He once said in December 2016, "Fuck the law! I don't give a fuck about the law! I want my fucking money!" #Claimed we've won the war on poverty, so let's cut food stamp programs. No we haven't. #He threatened to nuke the economy to spite China. #He said he'd drain the swamp, yet he was 86 lobbyists on his staff. #He thinks everyone else is as stupid as he is. #Corporations are PRAYING that Trump tweets us into a war. #He told a crowd "reality isn't real" so they should ignore it. #Wages have tanked after Trump's wealthy tax cut. #Nixon was guilty as hell and Trump sounds just like him. #He actually claimed you need a Picture ID to buy cereal....CEREAL...WHO IS THIS STUPID?!?! #He claimed people will die if we don't make cars less fuel efficient. #By August 2018 his lie count topped 4,200+. By May 2019, it’s now 10,000+. #His administration is now allowing more toxic asbestos into our daily lives. #His wife plagiarized Michelle Obama in a speech during the election. #He watches tapes of his rallies to marvel at his own "brilliance", if that's what you call it. More like jerking off to himself. #He said military might is more important that jobs. #He said violating ethics rules to meet with Fox news is in "the public's interest" #Discreetly called for Hillary Clinton's assassination by firearm (”Second Amendment people”) if she had won. #Claimed he would ONLY accept the results of the 2016 election IF HE WON. #Said "Let's fucking kill him" of Bashar al-Assad. Yes, Assad is a bad man, but WE DON'T ASSASSINATE PEOPLE. #He said he wants to separate migrants kids from parents INDEFINITELY. #He acted like a total ass on the 2018 9/11 anniversary. #He denies that 3,000+ Puerto Ricans died in Hurricane Maria. #Pentagon officials had to stop Trump from tweeting us into a war. #American taxpayers spent $77 MILLION on Trump's Golf trips. #Criticized Obama for golf trips...has taken more golf trips in 3 years than Obama did in 8. #Said the FBI is a "Cancer to the country". #His administration cut cancer research funding to pay for child prisons. #Puerto Rico won't get statehood simply because they were mean to him. *His administration said Planet is burning down, so let's just ruin it now. *Says he loves North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. “We fell in love”. *Talked about his dick at the debates. *He is being investigated for tax evasion and fraud. *Hates immigrants, married two Eastern European immigrant, son of a Scottish immigrant and grandson of a German immigrant. *Claimed Iraq War was wrong, yet he has increased troop numbers there. *Compared sexual assault victims to arsonists. #He denied Saudi Arabia financial interests...AFTER bragging about them. #He hasn't condemned Saudi Arabia for their murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. #He mocked decorated Navy SEAL, saying they should've gotten Osama bin Laden sooner. WHAT? #He banned 2 Million Federal workers from discussing his impeachment at work. #He demanded that he leave the G20 during the climate change discussion. #He told about skyrocketing national debt: "I won't be here." when it explodes. #Called a US Senator "The Dick". #*His hush money payments were done ILLEGALLY, with campaign cash. #His cult sent bombs to everyone he criticized. Not saying he's directly responsible but that's how cultist his fans are. #He threatened to bring Saturday Night Live to court simply for making fun of him. Awww poor baby, is someone making fun of you? Good. #Never has a president been under so much investigations except Richard Nixon. #He pulled us out of the Paris agreements. #His 2018 government shutdown lasted 35 days and was over a stupid wall. #He only works 40% of the day. He's the laziest POTUS ever. #He pulled us out of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty. HE STARTED A NEW COLD WAR. #He won’t release his taxes. If he’s got nothing to hide, why HIDE EM? #He threatened us Democrats, saying he has the support of the police, the military and “Bikers for Trump.” Bikers for Trump=BrownShirts. #Claims that windmill causes cancer and kill birds...Are you fucking kidding me? #His son Donny Douchebag got a crowd to chant “AOC sucks” like the douchebag he is. #Claimed his father was born in Germany. Fred Trump was born in NYC, how stupid can you be to not know where your parents were born... #Claims he should get 2 more years added to his term because those 2 years were “stolen” by the Mueller report. *facepalm-cringe* #He told 4 Progressive non-white Congresswomen to “Go back to where you came from”. 3 of 4 were BORN HERE, YOU FUCKING RACIST #One-uped the “go back to your country” but viciously attacking Elijah Cummings and Baltimore in a racist Twitter tirade. #Extorted the Ukrainian President to investigate Joe Biden (finally being impeached) #He's always blaming everybody else, complaining, never taking responsibility. #"I inherited a mess." You inherited millions of dollars, you whiny...little...BITCH!
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changedlives · 5 years
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RIGHTEOUS
I actually typed this out yesterday, then I got scared. But Bishops message tonight further reiterated Gods instructions..so I apologize in advance that this is so long..here goes: Somehow Bishop is always preaching exactly what I need to hear. Every. Single. Message. Last Sunday at the 11:15, he gave us a whole therapy session about not being ashamed. And it made me recognize something about myself..I’m not ashamed of what most people think I should be ashamed of. I was a sex worker for almost a year and a half, up until 2 months before I started attending Harvest. I made the decision to walk away from all of that, and then God brought me in closer. At first, I was a stripper, which I thought wasn’t THAT bad bc you’re just simulating sex, there are laws, no ones allowed to touch you and visa versa..then I let the man I was dating coerce me into doing full service because of the fact I’d been molested and raped growing up, “Men take from you anyways, you might as well get some money from it.” He manipulated me with my vulnerabilities. After him saying it so many times, it started making sense..but it never made me dollars because he took most of it. I’m not proud of any of the events that carried out in the timespan that I was trapped, but I’m not ashamed of it..I did what I had to to survive. Some people will never understand this, and I pray they NEVER have to. I’m ashamed that I chose alllll my Judas’s. I’m ashamed I escape one abusive relationship, just to dive into another soon as I begin to date again. I’m ashamed that I allowed my counselors analysis to be correct that I “subconsciously attract people that will let me down.” I’m ashamed that I ignored red flags. I’m ashamed that I was working against myself. I’m ashamed that it took me this long to recognize my worth. But I’m also very proud that I am recognizing my worth, and redesigning my thought process, and trusting God, and living my life in a way that will make God proud..in a way God can move through me. Last Saturday, I spent the better part of my afternoon/evening begging the person who’s child I’m currently pregnant with to leave/let me leave. I have been in a(nother) toxic relationship, and I’m ashamed of it. At the beginning of this series, Bishop Foreman mentions James 5:16 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” He then led us through a prayer to prevail through every issue, every obstacle, and every enemy. Now, during the month of April, I gave more than I’ve ever given..and I prayed differently than I’ve ever prayed. My relationship had also gotten more toxic than it had ever been. I followed the prayers Bishop led us through in church. I wrote them down and read them every moment I felt weak or weary. Fast forward to the last message of the series..Bishop reminded me I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am overcoming every previous wiring/habits in my being..I’m healing what my parents refused to acknowledge, so that I don’t pass my scars to my children. The best part is.. after that awful Saturday of praying for my safety and my children’s safety for nearly 6 hours.. I got home from church on Sunday morning, & all of my partners things were gone. He turned in his keys and told me if I can figure out my rent for this month, he’ll do as he had promised previously and still pay my rent til July, but also leave me all the way alone and only discuss baby things. God answered my prayers and blessed me by removing someone from the picture that wasn’t worthy of my stress. Statistically speaking, leaving is the most dangerous part of a toxic/abusive relationship. God didn’t make me leave..God made HIM leave. Which means...I know I did all that and a whole lot more..but I’M RIGHTEOUS. God answered my prayer as soon as I was brave enough to pray it. There’s honestly sooo much more I could say..but this is already way too long..I do not like speaking on my life. I’m terrified of being judged by people who simply don’t know the whole story, so I’d rather keep it all to myself. But right as I was debating whether I should share my testimony or not, the app sent me a reminder to share a testimony. Lol, wassup God speaking to me LOUD & CLEAR. 😭🙏😅 Although I’ma have to Fast differently because my body is creating another life rn, I know this Fast is going to bring so much clarity and strength and abundance to my family and financials! Thank you so much for your leadership, Bishop!
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Ford Greene and the Moonies
Ford Greene: Attorney at odds
By Tad Whitaker, IJ reporter      January 9, 2005 Marin Independence Journal
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San Anselmo resident Ford Greene sounds like a typical Marin County lawyer, what with his outspoken liberalism, scruffy hair and a white Porsche in the garage. But this self-described “cult buster” is anything but that.
Greene was in the spotlight recently for posting a large political sign on the side of his office building along Sir Francis Drake Boulevard, where commuters are faced with messages against the Iraq war and President Bush, among other things. …
But the furor surrounding the sign doesn’t compare with what’s been stirred up in Greene’s professional life: He has been prosecuted for kidnapping in Colorado and has won a landmark case before the California Supreme Court against the Unification Church that enabled former followers to sue for damages. Greene says he has de-programmed more than 100 followers —often called Moonies— of the church, which was founded in 1954 by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.
Those professional chops made Greene one of six finalists for the honor of Trial Lawyer of Year in 2003 by the organization Trial Lawyers for Public Justice. But his drive stems from an experience many people would try to forget.
“I was a Moonie slave,” he says. “The Moonies’ nickname for me is a special servant of Satan.”
Greene’s “cult-busting” and colorful past, however, have turned him into a lightning rod for criticism for the organizations he targets.
“He’s a wing nut,” says Jeff Quiros, president of the Church of Scientology of San Francisco. “He really is.”
Aylesworth Crawford “Ford” Greene III, 52, comes from a family whose Ross Valley roots can be traced to the 1880s. …
Greene grew up the oldest of four privileged children who were raised around San Anselmo and Ross. The nuclear family expanded when two cousins needed a home after their mother died of cancer.
Greene’s father was a successful corporate lawyer who attended Yale University with former New York Sen. James L. Buckley, who became the young Greene’s godfather. His mother served as chairwoman of the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley and was on an advisory commission for the Golden Gate National Recreation Area.
Greene attended … The Thatcher School in Ojai, near Ventura, for high school. But he ran away during his freshman year in 1969 and came home.
“I wanted to be a hippie at Redwood with my friends,” he says.
Greene says he “terrorized” his parents while attending Redwood and ultimately graduated from Woodside Priory in Portola Valley. He briefly attended college in Southern California but left, depressed over a difficult romantic relationship.
Back in Marin, Greene bucked hay, milked cows and unclogged sewers at Straus Family Creamery before taking a backpacking trip in which he climbed 16 14,000-foot peaks in three months. At about that time, his sister Catherine, 18, disappeared.
Moonies expanding
The year was 1974 and the Rev. Moon was expanding his Unification Church in the United States. Moon, who is from South Korea, was a wealthy but controversial figure accused of brainwashing young people to support his religious organization by selling flowers among other items.
Catherine —the second youngest child and closest in nature to Greene— had joined the Unification Church and gone to a camp called New Ideal City Ranch, outside Boonville in Mendocino County. When she finally called her family, Greene says she had changed.
“It sounded like her loyalties were being split,” he says. “She sounded torn up.”
Greene traveled to the Boonville camp a few days later to confront Catherine, but it was difficult; she was surrounded by Moonies at all times. A church leader invited Greene to return the following weekend for a training session.
Greene drove home, still depressed and, he recalls, even suicidal because of a difficult relationship with his father. He decided to hear Moon speak in person at the San Francisco Opera House. Greene recalls that Moon sounded Hitler-like, “but there was a calmness afterward, and that appealed to me.”
Greene went to the training camp with two friends, but he says they were separated and escorted everywhere —including the bathroom— by at least one church member, a process he says the Moonies called love bombing. Joined by new recruits from all over the Bay Area, he attended a group session at which he explained that he’d come to rescue his sister. But then everyone turned toward him and began singing about how much they loved him.
“Holding hands and singing with 200 people felt really good to me,” he recalls. “My programming had begun.”
Greene’s friends left the camp after the weekend, but he stayed behind to listen to lectures, singing groups and discussions about personal experiences. Although images of Hitler Youth kept popping into his mind, he says church leaders poured on the love when he confronted them about the program —a strategy that helped reinforce the power structure and created self-doubt. After all, says Greene bluntly, “You’re being an a--hole to someone who’s being nice to you.”
Still unable to fully believe what he was being told —that Moon was the second coming of Christ— Greene went to a nearby creek to pray. But later that afternoon, Greene says he received an affirmation from God.
Faith begins wavering
Greene moved back to the Bay Area to live in Unification Church dorm houses in Berkeley and San Francisco, where members were expected to share toothbrushes stored in a bucket and hand over the keys to their cars. He took a job at a church-owned gas station on Market Street and, when his faith wavered, he returned to the ranch for re-education.
The re-education periods reinforced a belief that anyone against the church was Satan, he says, but it also gave him some perspective on what was happening. He remembers seeing new recruits arrive with doubts but eventually snapping under the pressure, turning their minds over to the church. It provided him with a guilty pleasure that they, too, had been unable to resist.
“That bothered me a lot,” he recalls.
It took Greene three attempts to leave the church before he was successful. In July 1975, he drove his BMW back to his parents’ house in Ross and began working with his mother, who was an outspoken critic of the Unification Church and supporter of deprogramming.
“She was a one-woman clearinghouse,” he says.
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▲ Daphne Greene
Testifying before Senate
At the request of his godfather, he testified about cults at a U.S. Senate subcommittee in 1976. On that day, he says, about 50 Unification members —wearing matching blue suits with red flowers in the lapels— walked into the Senate chambers to listen.
“It was hairy,” he says.
Greene says he never worked with a deprogrammer. Using therapy, he deprogrammed himself. “It was an experience that hurt me but I was able to overcome,” he says.
Throughout his time in the Unification Church, Greene says he rarely saw Catherine. While he was working at the church-owned gas station, he says the church put her youthful good looks to work as part of a team that traveled the country raising money and bringing in new recruits.
“She could make a $1,000 a day selling flowers,” he says.
From 1976 to ’78, Greene says he deprogrammed Moonies, including the Prince of Tahiti with the cooperation of the royal family. He was even mentioned in journalist Josh Freed’s book “Moonwebs.”
One of his biggest failures, however, was an attempt to deprogram his own sister.
Greene set up a plan, using his mother as bait, to capture Catherine. Handcuffed and blindfolded, Catherine was taken by family members to a boarded-up house in Lucas Valley. But deprogramming his own sister proved harder than deprogramming strangers, with whom he could be tougher, he says.
He eventually let Catherine go after she intentionally cut her hand and had to be hospitalized. By then, Moonies were picketing his father’s law office in San Francisco and pressing the Marin County District Attorney to file kidnapping charges against the family.
No charges were ever brought against the family, but Catherine returned to the church and filed a $5.2 million lawsuit against Greene, his parents and others who helped with the abduction.
“It was horrible,” he says. “The experience is that they’re dead but you can’t put them in the ground.”
In 1977, Greene says he was hired by Colorado authorities to kidnap and deprogram a man who tried to sign over the family farm to the Unification Church. Greene worked with police officers and private investigators, but was arrested and prosecuted for kidnapping after the man ran away and returned to the church. He successfully fought the kidnapping charge because he was acting under a court order.
Off to law school
Although he never earned a bachelor’s degree, Greene was enrolled in the New College of California Law School in 1978. During that time he started getting death threats, but he was determined to go after Moon.
“This man is no different than Adolf Hitler and, as an American, I had to do something,” he says. “To play in that arena, you had to be a lawyer and I went to law school.”
After passing the California State Bar exam, Greene worked as a criminal defense attorney with San Anselmo attorney Carl Shapiro, who had developed a reputation for working with families to reclaim family members who joined cults.
With Shapiro’s help, Greene argued and won a case in 1988 before the California Supreme Court that opened the door for former Moonies to sue the Unification Church for damages and, he says, “put cult-busting on the legal map.”
In 1989, Greene says he sued the Church of Scientology on behalf of the church’s head of worldwide security and his wife. In 2002, Greene celebrated his biggest victory against Scientology, when he and two other lawyers received an $8.7 million judgment in another case.
For Greene, religious organizations must be held accountable for any socially destructive conduct that exploits the best in people. “In my book there isn’t anything worse than that,” he says.
But Scientologists say Greene’s crusade against them isn’t very effective.
One-man campaign
Quiros, of the church’s San Francisco branch, likens Greene to someone shooting Scientologists in the back with a BB gun. Greene may be a hassle, Quiros says, but he represents nothing in the grand scheme of things for an organization that has 8 million members worldwide.
“This is a one-man campaign to discredit the fastest-growing church in the world,” Quiros says.
Quiros likes to direct people to a web site — www.friendsofsananselmo.org — that seeks to discredit Greene. Posted on the site are Greene’s run-ins with the law, ranging from shoplifting to kidnapping to stalking, along with a host of other critiques.
According to internic.net, an Internet domain name information site, www.friendsofsananselmo.org is registered to Allen Long at a private postal box at 10 Liberty Ship Way in Sausalito. Long did not answer requests for an interview sent via e-mail or in a note left at the postal box.
Web site counterattack
Quiros says Scientology has nothing to do with the web site, although he appreciates what it brings to light. “That is a great summary of Ford Greene,” he says. “He’s a nut case. I’m trying to think of a better word but there isn’t one.”
Greene eagerly and openly explains every claim on the web site. He says he was guilty of shoplifting a set of sheets in college, pleaded guilty to trespassing over a dispute with a former girlfriend he handled poorly, was never charged with burglary or stalking, and a driving under the influence conviction listed on the web site is actually his father’s.
“It’s all a big smear,” he says.
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▲ The mass wedding of 1,275 couples in Korea, January 1989.
Reached at a Unification Church site, Catherine —who was married during a mass wedding of 1,275 couples and is now Catherine Ono— says although Greene may continue thinking she’s brainwashed and not in control of her mind, she still cares for her brother. “To me it’s like, come on,” she says. “That’s old.”
Ono, who remains a Unification Church member, lives in Somerville, Mass., with her husband and their two daughters. The couple will celebrate their 16th wedding anniversary next week.
Ono says she didn’t see her family between 1977 and ’83 because she feared they would try to kidnap her again. She says she began seeing them again after Greene and her parents apologized —a claim Greene disputes— and visited Greene with her daughters last August.
“The aftermath was pretty devastating,” she says. “They realized they had betrayed my trust.”
But Greene says the entire family rarely speaks with Ono anymore and that he never apologized for the kidnapping, and his mother didn’t either. “Catherine may be nice, but she makes me sick,” he says with a laugh.
Although he says it was good to see her last summer, he can’t relate to her because her entire world view is defined by Moon’s ideology.
“Catherine thinks I’m Satanic at the core,” he says.
In his San Anselmo office, Greene has created a Scientology war room lined with volumes of books, stacks of promotional and instructional videos and an enormous flow chart that illustrates the command structure of Scientology. Asked whether he is just going after Scientology’s money, Greene makes no qualms about it. “I have every intention of trying,” he says.
Even though he was once a devoted member of an organization he calls a cult, Greene says he isn’t worried about surrounding himself with information about Scientology and other organizations he targets.
“I’m confident in my instincts and I trust them,” he says.
Ford Greene is featured in the book Moonwebs
The book was made into the movie, Ticket to Heaven
Suppose the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification were to take over the whole world?
Hak Ja Han’s Cheon Il Guk Constitution is troubling
“Ancestor Liberation must be done” Hak Ja Han 2015
Hak Ja Han and Sun Myung Moon and the United Nations
Moon’s ultimate truth is … absolute obedience
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_Greene
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life-of-khanoor · 3 years
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July 6, 2021
I never ended up posting my April draft because I had more to say and think about but I just forgot about it because during such a traumatic moment in my life I decided the smart thing to do would be to add more stress to my life even though I never even dealt with the first stress. 
It all came crumbling down. All of it. 
Moral of the story: Take care of your mental health because if your mental health isn’t in order then no matter how much time and energy you pour into everything else - it won’t matter. You need to be okay internally for your external to be okay. 
I don’t know where to start. But I’m going to be more consistent with these journal entries, because I have decided to start therapy. I started therapy that was offered at my school in November of last year, but the therapist was only available every 3 weeks and she agreed my problems needed more consistent time to be dealt with. So in December I stopped any form of therapy. In late March to early April, all the truth came out. All the ugly, hideous truth about my past came out to my significant other at the time. I told him that the person he was feeling so insecure about for the 1st year of our relationship, was not my best friend but actually my ex-boyfriend and someone I had been hooking up with while we were together. This ugly truth only came out after his truth came out which was that he also was indulging in some form of cheating not physical, but through the exchange of pictures. Honestly, I wasn't expecting it at all. Which made me realize, he’s actually a really good liar. This made me start thinking about how I could trust him as he goes into dental school with so many females around him. It was driving me insane. Still does from time to time but I just remember that whatever happens, well, God willed it. 
Anyways, instead of dealing with the issue, I had a more pressuring matter at hand. The MCAT. The bane of my existence came knocking on my door when I could least handle it. But I had to go in head first because if I didn’t take it now, I would not be able to apply to medical school this cycle, and if that didn’t happen I would be wasting another year of my life and I would be a bigger pile of uselessness. My family already thought of me as useless and wasting their money and if I didn’t take the MCAT, apply to medical school, and get in - I would be proving them right. Well, from May to the end of June I began my grind, I was putting in 8-10 hours a day of studying. I was trying by absolute darn hardest to get it all but 2 weeks before my MCAT, the anxiety hit me in the face. I was waking up every morning with anxiety attacks, the day before my MCAT I woke up and had a panic attack and was crying and was not okay. I honestly still don't think I am. I started therapy but I’ve only gone to 1 session and I unloaded so much past grief and trauma like it’s all so much that’s happened. And I’m trying to get back into it but honestly I’m not ready like clearly I’m not I feel so manic. Through this depressive period in my life (which is still happening but to a lesser extent now that I know I’m holding onto something I need to let go of), I can say for a fact that my “boyfriend” has not in  been supportive. If anything, he's made it worse. But thankfully, I met this amazing girl who’s been so supportive even though she has her own issues. I really feel like God send her to me. So if you’re reading this god, thanks for that. 
The MCAT didn’t happen. Day before my MCAT I realized I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t ready - not in terms of my prep and not at all in terms of my mental health. That night the boyfriend that I cheated on, who decided to stay with me because of the “goodness” in his heart, unloaded all his hatred, resentment, and angst toward me. This mixed with my own feelings of failure and uncertainty ended it for me. I could not handle it. I could not do it, I could not. I had all this hate for myself pent up. I tried killing myself. This wasn’t the first time I tried or thought about killing myself in the past month and a half. I wanted to end my life, I can’t handle it anymore. It all hurts so much I feel so lost all the time. I feel so empty. Like the shell of a person. I feel alone. And this person man, this guy just isn’t worth it. You know you spend 2 years of your life with someone, they become so ingrained in you, so intertwined with you and you think this is meant to be because you can’t see it working any other way right? But it’s nothing but pain anymore. It’s just a constant reminder of everything bad. Even if now I’m not that person anymore like it’s not possible to live it down. And he thinks it’s possible. God I fucking feel so suffocated with him. I feel locked up. The whole time he stayed with me during my MCAT prep, he made it feel like he was doing me such a huge favor, and indeed he really was but it was because he wanted to be there, I didn’t ask him to be there for me. I was ready to leave, that was the only option that even seemed in any way viable. It’s not like I do better with him around, if anything this whole relationship has been my lowest productivity. But he insisted on staying, and I regret letting him. For fucks sake I cheated on you not once, not twice but probably 5 times, what makes you think we’re meant for each other. We’re not. We had something good. But I ruined it. We keep trying to hold onto our past relationship, what WAS good. But what’s good right now? What? Is there any good right now? You might think it because I’m pasting this smile onto my face because you’re starting dental school and moving to NYC and I don’t want to be a Negative Nancy. But nothing is good. God fucking nothing. I don’t even ENJOY talking to you anymore. I get anxious because I think you’ll judge me for this or that. I’m walking on eggshells with you. I talk to you and I feel the weight on my shoulders getting heavier and my heart feeling weaker. Just because YOU think you’re there for me, doesn’t mean you’re what I need. I can’t even talk to you honestly. I can’t talk to you and feel like I can’t be 100% myself. I feel so scared to even say things anymore so I don’t say them. God you’re not my boyfriend, I don’t even think I’d consider you a friend. There’s no love here. There was. But there isn’t anymore. I listen to our songs and feel nothing. I look at our pictures and I feel sad. There’s nothing between us anymore. You're just hurting me more and more and more. And now I’m here every other day contemplating suicide, like what do you want from me damnit what do you want? It feels like you just wanna suck me dry until there's nothing left. Something with such a bad bad history, could never be something good. Not now anyways. Not after such a fresh deep wound. I need to heal and he does too. We're not together because we love each other lol, we’re together because we’re comfortable here. It’s familiar. But he's about to start the rest of his career in a different city and I need to start the rest of my life without my past weighing me down. So it’s over. 
Ending this relationship is probably going to be the best thing I’ve done for myself in a really really really long time. I can already feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. Maybe all the praying in the middle of the night, waking up with panic attacks, imagining myself dead, maybe this is what it all came down to. Maybe I needed to rid myself of this before I could move onto greater things. God really is the greatest of planners. 
I feel so light after getting all this off my chest. I genuinely cannot go another day with this in my life anymore. I think that all this time, all this mental hurt and anguish has been an inner fight with myself. The struggle because I was ready to grow but I wasn’t willing to let go. 
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