my 3 fav cozy fun halloween watches that you can also watch

Winnie the Pooh, Boo to you too! also on archive .org!

- No stress - Heartwarming <3 - Tiger's song "I wanna scare myself" always a banger Probably the first halloween movie kid me ever saw, and still honestly my main go-to one. Visuals? Spoopy. Music? On point. Story? Friends wanting to spend halloween with their bestie no matter what. Piglet? Brave. Tiger? Relatable. Pooh? Wise and full of love. Goffer? Slaying. Eeyore? Zero energy and still trucking. Rabbit? A nervous wreck sobbing over his pumpkin patch. Perfect. We stan.

Hansel and Gretel (1987) also on archive .org!

- Family drama (is resolved) - catchy music! - i know some ppl can't stand child actors - THE DUCK LIVES - obviously food and eating are big plot points so yeah Is it a halloween movie? No. Do I care? Not with treats this good looking, music this catchy, vibes this cozy, or a witch this awesome. We've got haunted woods and kids eating sweets and then playing the best trick of all on the witch who wanted to eat THEM- that sounds halloween-y enough to me! Plus the witch's reveal is legit creepy. Make sure you have snacks for this one. Also, if realistic family drama due to the trauma of poverty isn't your thing, skip to after the kids run into the woods.

Shelly Dvuall’s America’s Tall Tales And Legends: The Legend of Sleepy Hollow also on archive .org!

- Low stress - Comedy as heck - literally feels like someone telling you a ghost story - AAAAAAAACTING!!!!! - there is a spider during the picnic scene THE CLASSIC! THE OG! MY FAV!!!! This was THE hallween movie to me as a kid- and now i completely get why! It's like watching a stage play where everyone LOVED every scene they were in- the vibes are spoooooky sometimes in an adorably camp way, and then charming and cozy the next! It has so much fun- there are so many lines that are memes to me- like ichabod THROWING himself into bed with "And if I......DIE... before I wake.... BRINGMEBACKTOLIFE!" and Katerina's eyerolling "....assuming I know the horse-" (it makes sense in context i swear) and and and the FUN of seeing Brom Bones 'crushing' a tankered angrily, acting out the strain of it, when you can clearly tell the prop is like, maybe the strength of a soda pop can XD.... But the best part is the stinger ending. How this whole story is ended with the sudden reveal of the REAL headless horseman (maybe?) and how THAT terrifying image is the last thing it leaves the watching kids with- it feels like that last jump scare at the end of a campfire ghost story, the hand reaching out to grab you for one final scream, and I love it. I love this whole thing so much.

Now.

If you DO want something spookier, but only in the atmospheric sense....

Whistle and I'll Come to You, also on archive .org - Slow building stress - Paranoia fuel - There is no way the main character is neurotypical (relatable) - a bedsheet ghost!!!!! YAY! - a few audio startlements but otherwise all gradual scares So this is based off a short story by an old not cool dead guy. It's about finding something in a grave and not heeding the warning label. I read the story years ago and was very pleased by the bedsheet ghost, the idea of feeling like Something Is Coming, and I can say that this adaption is... different, but does very good on setting up the vibes up until the ending. I'm bit let down by how the final bedsheet ghost turned out, and abrupt cut off to the story, but the vibes up till then is really fun to sink into. Some of the cinematography does a good job of making me aware of empty space, the feeling that Something I Can't See might also be in the frame. Spoooky.

Seeing Winnie the Pooh Kanga Roo and Eeyore in the Simpsons shorts for Disney Plus is amazing. I hope we see more that might have Tigger Piglet Rabbit Owl Gopher and Christopher Robin as well.

Public Domain is everything. The all encompassing freedom of Public Domain has never been more clear than in the horror genre. Poe, Lovecraft, Shelley, Verne, Stoker, Leroux- all up for grabs. But that doesn’t mean they’re the only ones getting the living touch of fear. Horror is bolstered by Public Domain, expanded by it, and it makes for some wild movies. Filmmakers lovingly poking at non-spooky classical literature is how you get fun little things like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016). People wait with bated breath on their tippy toes to lampoon the stories they love by adding a little bloody flair. I can't wait to see what people do with Mickey Mouse. While these movies or books may not always be the best, they’re always worth a smile. But some people just end up bespoiling well known properties with what seems to be very little thought.

And that’s how we get thing like Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey.

Where do I even begin here. This movie was a mess. First of all, Pooh and Piglet are the only two members of the Hundred Acre Wood who appear. Instant disappointment. Is it too much to ask that we get to see Eeyore go crazy and attack some unsuspecting young folk? You know behind all that ho-hum attitude there's got to be some rage brewing. What about Owl? Terror from above and ambush attacks oh how I wanted for thee. Kanga and a now grown Roo could have had some freaky mother/son crap going on. I mean it's a horror movie that actively corrupts these characters, so why not throw in a little weird anthropomorphic animal incest? Roo always was quite attached to his mother. Rabbit could have been unnaturally fast, a speed killer, nothing but a blur before victims were tugged off the screen to their untimely demise. Plus the munching? Rabbits are munchers. Imagine big Rabbit munch crunching on bones like they were carrots. Gopher could have been a knock-out, huge mounds of earth moving towards someone until he snatched them up like he was a giant worm in Tremors (1980). That's just off the top of my head.

These are things that could have related the characters to their original properties, which the movie doesn't even do for the only two characters from the Hundred Acre Wood that are actually in it.

Tigger. Tigger was not in this movie. I am livid just thinking about it. I don't like to swear too much when I write my silly little spook studies, but honestly what the fuck? What the fuck! He is a tiger! You know, one of the deadliest ambush predators in existence? On average they apparently kill 1800 people every year. He could have been Shere Khan times a thousand. Plus he bounces? That would have been freak city. It just felt like one of Blood and Honey's many missed opportunities. They could have each had one amazing kill apiece, the body count in this movie was certainly high enough for it. Kanga, Roo, Rabbit, Eeyore, and Gopher I can understand not using, even though Roo was always my personal favorite.

No Tigger though? Unfathomable. Tigger got his own movie. I know the full group is big and maybe too much to tackle, but Tigger is such a popular character it felt weird that he wasn't in this. We get Pooh and we get Piglet. Two characters must mean they both must look amazing, though, right?

Wrong. The design for them was bad, plain and simple. It really grinds my gears thinking of all the wasted potential of having Blood and Honey be a Milne property. It could have been so campy and weird and fun and instead we got two guys walking around with masks on. They looked like a couple of friends put together Halloween costumes for 'scary Pooh and Piglet' and splurged on the good masks. The rest of the costuming consists of clothes you might find in your weird uncle's closet. There were no alterations to any part of them below the neck. They had human feet, human hands, and human mannerisms. Pooh is wearing overalls. Piglet is fully dressed as well, but at least his clothing is worn. Pooh's plaid shirt, on the other hand, looks practically brand new. The only clothing Pooh should have been wearing is a tattered red crop top. Piglet should have been naked. I mean how gross would that have been? Naked Piglet, hog out, goring you to death. Now that would have been a good time!

Money was almost definitely the issue. When faced with a movie that was as much of a let down as this one, sometimes it's hard to remember to take those things into account. Less money, less cast, less effects. 'Shoe-string budget' might even be too generous to describe what the cost of this movie. But it isn't necessarily about the money you have, rather where that money goes. I think Tigger should have been budgeted for. Maybe lower the body count, which saves on actor pay, costuming pay, and special effects pay. Keep it to one or two simple locations with minimal travel. With unfathomably small budgets like the one for Blood and Honey, it might have been beneficial to tighten it up even more. Shrink it, contain it, make it more intimate. Blood and Honey felt too big for its britches. Perhaps there should have been more focus on the costuming, makeup, and effects that might have gone into our childhood comfort characters. I'm very passionate about the practical elements in movies, so these designs were totally disappointing to me.

I've spent a lot of time talking about things this movie didn't do, which can be a bit unfair considering the constraints of budget and production. I try my best to take movies as they are presented, but Blood and Honey gave me so little it makes it easy to talk about what might have been. Why not this, why not that. But let's get back into what the movie was.

The story, unfortunately, wasn't strong enough to make up for the lackluster creature designs. In typical Christopher Robin fashion, he eventually grows up and says goodbye to his friends. He had always brought sweets and tea with him, but upon his cessation they can't provide for themselves, go crazy and, for lack of a better term, become cannibalistic. They eat poor Eeyore.

Is it cannibalism if they're eating a member of a different species? Not really, but I think that's probably the best way to describe it. They eat him because they begin to starve.

Pooh, who notoriously scavenges for honey and should be hibernating anyway starves. Rabbit, who has his own garden and would stockpile for winter starves. Gopher would eat roots, Owl would hunt for small prey, both starving. Kangaroos eat mushrooms, among other things, and they both still starve. Piglet is potentially the only ones who would have difficulty providing for himself just because pigs need a rich diet and a lot of food. But in the source material they have a communal table, and even feed Christopher Robin. But there's no gory family meal here; it turns out they cannot live without the food he brought with him. Real animals can and do become food dependent on humans, but these characters are not fully animals. The movie even tells you so, calling them abominations. They have human intellect! They have a community. They built houses. They swing knives and hammers around with deadly intent. But they can't do farming. Seems they can eat ass with the best of them, though.

While we see Eeyore's munched upon skeletal remains, there's no explanation for the rest of the group being missing. Were they eaten, frozen to death, or killed by a hunter? If the movie did tell me I ended up missing it, which was no surprise because guess what? They do not speak! They don't fucking speak! Why isn't killer Pooh "hoo-hoo"-ing? Where were the rumblies in his tumbly before he ate someone? That iconic voice coming out of a huge man-bear as he kills? Come on. I mean it's right there! Honestly I felt like so many issues with this movie could have been solved if they were given dialogue. Every member of the Hundred Acre Wood talks, that's just part of it.

Christopher Robin wasn't just imagining his adventures either. His friends are real. So where was the camp? Beloved early childhood characters turned killers is such a fun idea, so where was the fun? Why did it feel like this movie wanted it to be taken so seriously? It's Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, not Deliverance (1972).

Upon being "abandoned" by Christopher Robin, they grew resentful of humanity and eventually turned into killers of people, not just depressed donkeys. This makes enough sense, except they're active serial killers and have been for what seems like years. They plot, kidnap, and torture with intent and there's a slew of unsolved murders and disappearances in the Hundred Acre Wood. This suggests the Wood is traversed regularly enough to at least find some bodies. So why does anyone go there anymore? How many people have to die for the Wood to be fully canvassed? Why was there a huge mansion right on the edge of it, which our completely forgettable human characters rent?

Given the evidence, it should have been easy enough for law enforcement to find their little encampment, it isn't like it's hidden or invisible. Plenty of characters go there, too, so it isn't only accessible to children. That could have been interesting, if you needed the eyes of a child to get there. Plus, it would have forced the introduction of a character who's representative of the source's target age group, making it easy for the viewer to relate to their younger self- the version that actually watched or read Winnie the Pooh. Everyone in Blood and Honey is a young adult or older.

By far the biggest travesty of all is that Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey isn't a monster movie, it's a slasher movie. Every one of Christopher Robin's friends is an animal, but the filmmakers decided not to make a monster movie. Why even bother with the property, then? Pooh is running around with knives and weapons, doing hand-to-hand combat, drowning people. Folks, he drives a car.

He drives a car.

Insane. Absolutely insane.

I mean what in the hell? They are strange chimeras, amalgamations of human and animal. Blood and Honey leaned so heavily into human that they hardly seemed like animals at all. This also doesn't make much sense within the logic of the movie. Pooh can drive a car and stalks kids with the intention to scare, torture, and kill them, but god forbid he figures out scavenging or farming for food. Sure, Piglet munches down on some people, but only after tying them up or fighting them. A home invasion slasher movie. Villains in proverbial "Cabin in the Woods" movies can be basically anything- killers, monsters, aliens, animals, cannibals, demons, witches, gods, the Devil, viruses, zombies, werewolves, ghosts, mistaken perceptions, oneself, children, mental instability, Nazis, Kathy Bates- see what I'm saying? It was always going to be a cabin in the woods movie because it's set in the Hundred Acre Wood. That didn't mean it had to be a slasher.

Perhaps the filmmakers thought how serious it was would be funny enough on its own; it shouldn’t have been hard to make this satire. But if that was what this movie was going for, it didn’t land for me. There just wasn't much use of the source material. That was honestly the most frustrating thing. I kept waiting, and the Winnie the Pooh of it all never made an appearance. Why didn't he get caught in a window? Why wasn't he gulping down human blood from a honey jar, the label 'honey' crossed out for 'human?' Why couldn't he like, I don't know, control bees or something? Piglet turning into just a wild boar would have done it for him. Imagine Pooh and his pet Piglet on a leash. Hilarious, weird, a joke on how attached Piglet is to Pooh. The things that could have been!

Still, there were plenty of kills with plenty of blood, which was a saving grace. They had decent enough effects and were all pretty unique. Some of them are right gnarly, and that's always a plus for a horror movie. While many of the kills did make me laugh, just having the killers be Pooh and Piglet wasn’t quite enough. It was a constant string of asking 'what?' because there was just zero connection to Milne's works. They didn't talk so there were no zingy one-liners or tongue-in-cheek references. It was played too much like a straight slasher movie. Again: why a slasher and not a monster movie? Crush my dreams, why don’t you. I think it wanted to be satire, but where were the references? Where were the jokes? Where was the camp? Where was the hightened reality? I kept rolling my eyes: 'That's guy's not Winnie the Pooh,' 'What does this have to do with Winnie the Pooh?' There was no Pooh or Piglet about them, they were just dudes in masks. It's just a mask. It's just a mask!

They could have been switched for the guys from You're Next (2011) and I don’t think you would have needed to change a thing. The killers in You're Next even wear animal masks. So what's the point of having it be a Pooh property? There was no reason for them be from the Hundred Acre Wood other than to say they were. It felt like first-time writer/director/editor/producer Rhys Frake-Waterfield had written a slasher movie, then once Winnie the Pooh entered public domain he just tossed them in without changing anything. He also maybe took on too many jobs for this movie.

There's low budget, and then there's doing four different jobs yourself. Outside opinions and suggestions are essential to movie making. Producers think about what will attract audiences and money. Editors have an additional artistic eye and the conversations between they and the director almost always make for better movies. Quentin Tarantino used editor Sally Menke in every one of his movies until her passing because she got it. The original Star Wars trilogy was probably saved by George's then wife and editor Marcia Lucas if the post-divorce prequel trilogy is anything to go by. (Please don't come for me Star Wars fans.)

These were collaborations. A director needs outside opinions. Needs more than one pair of eyes looking at the final product. That goes double if they are also the writer. Killing your darlings is hard if no one is telling a writer where their own story is lacking. It's good to have a singular vision, but movies by nature are a cooperative work. So where was the behind-the-camera cooperation?

And just a little thing: it's the Hundred Acre Wood, singular. Not the Hundred Acre Woods, plural. Steam is coming out of my ears. Stuff like that kills me dead, because it makes it seem like no one even cared enough to check the name. And if they did, they didn't care enough to make it right. Why make it Winnie the Pooh at all? What's the point if you aren't going to pay attention to the details?

Despite my dislike, I truly hope Rhys Frake-Waterfield keeps making movies. It’s clearly something he wants and loves to do. I just think in ten years he’ll look back on this movie and cringe. Because it was cringe-worthy. I don’t enjoy disliking movies like this because the people who make horror tend to be very passionate about it.

I wanted this movie to be good, or at least a funny, entertaining bit of trash horror. I really wanted it to work. For a wide array of movies, people go in expecting it to be good. With most horror, however, people go in expecting it to be bad. See the difference? I try hard to give every horror movie I see the benefit of the doubt: sure it looks bad, but until it comes out I’m assuming it’s good. Because you never know!

Then I found out whether this movie was a good one, a so-bad-it’s-good one, or a bad one.

This movie was bad. For me it wasn’t even so-bad-it’s-good. The heartbreak of it all. I’m sure there’s more to be said, but I’m just sick and tired of even thinking about it; I this movie was that much of a let down. Not for me. I’m angry over it, frustrated, and a little bit baffled. How did this happen? I grew up with Pooh and friends, like many of us did, and I think we deserved a better horror movie about them than this one. I just kept asking why. Why, why, why.

How to even end this write-up? I didn't even mention how bored I was for the duration, either. Eye-rolling. It just stunk. It was hardly good for a laugh, there was no point to it being Winnie the Pooh, no references, no satire, no camp, no fun, no point of view, no nothing. It was a big fat wad of nothing. The idea was so wasted on this movie it felt like it wasn't used at all. Honestly it might have been better if it had just been two regular-degular killers. This movie was so disappointing and I disliked it so much I'm going to be a bit mean: Rhys Frake-Waterfield should be embarrassed. I would be. He just didn't seem to know how to use the characters.

Am I being a bit harsh? I don’t know, probably. But it just didn’t do it for me. Should I tell you to check it out? I don’t know. Maybe stoned? But I was stoned so what does that mean? Perhaps it was so not my taste that I’m missing something. I hope there are people out there who totally love this movie. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

I'd give this a zero if I didn't believe in my self-imposed rules about rating on one to five. To that note, in my book Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023) gets an obvious 1/5.

if you don’t cry whilst watching Winnie The Pooh: The Heffalump Movie - are you even human?

film analysis to come.

Rabbit Teaches Eeyore The Joys Of Gardening Pt. 2 || Moon Donkey

Ah, it was a beautiful, cloudy, cold morning, the grey of the sky dark enough to practically be nighttime! Jun was so tired, he could just fall right over. Ah, 5 am. 

But he was waiting outside anyway, blinking blearily, hands shoved in his pockets, breath puffing in the air, and when Gregory pulled up in an Uber, Jun smiled through the tired, the cold, the early. He was still convinced that this would be the cure for everything! Pah, who needed therapy or anti-depressants (a lie made up by pharmaceutical companies) to be happy when one could simply start the day doing something good for the world! This was how Jun had grown up, after all. Even before Swynlake, when he lived on his grandparents’ tea fields in Boseong-gun. He woke up early, saw the sun come up, and did his chores. He’d been happy then, and it was because of hard work, and fresh air! 

It would work for Gregory too. Plus, there were goats! Gregory loved animals, the smellier it seemed, the better. 

“Ah, look at you! Two minutes early,” said Jun downright cheerfully. “Let’s get started right away. I’ll just give you a little tour, eh, do some of the work on the way. Come.” 

@notmuchofatail​

Arrivals & Departures 21 August 1920 – 20 April 1996 Christopher Robin Milne

Christopher Robin Milne was an English author and bookseller and the only child of author A. A. Milne. As a child, he was the basis of the character Christopher Robin in his father's Winnie-the-Pooh stories and in two books of poems.

Christopher Robin Milne was born at 11 Mallord Street, Chelsea, London, on 21 August 1920, to author Alan Alexander Milne and Daphne (née de Sélincourt) Milne. Milne speculated that he was an only child because "he had been a long time coming." From an early age, Milne was cared for by his nanny Olive Brockwell, until May 1930, when he entered boarding school. Milne called her Nou, and stated "Apart from her fortnight's holiday every September, we had not been out of each other's sight for more than a few hours at a time", and "we lived together in a large nursery on the top floor."

Milne's father explained that Rosemary was the intended name for their first born, if a girl. Realizing it was going to be a boy, he decided on Billy, but without the intention of actually christening him William. Instead, each parent chose a name, hence his legal name Christopher Robin. He was referred to within the family as Billy Moon, a combination of his nickname and his childhood mispronunciation of Milne. From 1929 onwards, he would be referred to simply as Christopher, and he later stated it was "The only name I feel to be really mine.

At his first birthday on 21 August 1921, Milne received an Alpha Farnell teddy bear, which he later named Edward. Eeyore was a Christmas present in 1921 and Piglet arrived undated. Edward, along with a real Canadian black bear named Winnipeg that Milne saw at London Zoo, eventually became the inspiration for the Winnie-the-Pooh character.

Milne spoke self-deprecatingly of his own intellect, "I may have been on the dim side", or "not very bright". He also described himself as being "good with his hands", and possessing a Meccano set. His self-descriptions included "girlish", since he had long hair and wore "girlish clothes", and being "very shy and 'un-self-possessed'".

An early childhood friend was Anne Darlington, also an only child, who as Milne described it, was for his parents "the Rosemary that I wasn't." Anne Darlington had a toy monkey, Jumbo, as dear to her as Pooh was to Christopher. Several poems by Milne, and several illustrations by E. H. Shepard, feature Anne and Christopher, notably "Buttercup Days", in which their relative hair colours (brown and golden blond) and their mutual affection is noted (the illustration to this latter poem, from Now We Are Six, also features the cottage at Cotchford Farm). To Alan and Daphne Milne, Anne was and remained to her death the Rosemary that Christopher wasn't, and Daphne long held fond hopes that Anne and Christopher would marry.

In 1925, Milne's father bought Cotchford Farm, near the Ashdown Forest in East Sussex. Though still living in London, the family would spend weekends, Easter, and summer holidays there. As Milne described it, "So there we were in 1925 with a cottage, a little bit of garden, a lot of jungle, two fields, a river, and then all the green, hilly countryside beyond, meadows and woods, waiting to be explored." The place became the inspiration for fiction, with Milne stating, "Gill's Lap that inspired Galleon's Lap, the group of pine trees on the other side of the main road that became the Six Pine Trees, the bridge over the river at Posingford that became Pooh-sticks Bridge," and a nearby "ancient walnut tree" became Pooh's House. His toys, Pooh, Eeyore, Piglet, plus two invented characters, Owl and Rabbit, came to life through Milne and his mother, to the point where his father could write stories about them. Kanga, Roo, and Tigger were later presents from his parents.

Of this time, Milne states, "I loved my Nanny, I loved Cotchford. I also quite liked being Christopher Robin and being famous."

When his nanny departed when he was age 9, Milne's relationship with his father grew. As he put it, "For nearly ten years I had clung to Nanny. For nearly ten more years I was to cling to him, adoring him as I had adored Nanny, so that he too became almost a part of me ..."

When Milne eventually wrote his memoirs, he dedicated them to Olive Brockwell, "Alice to millions, but Nou to me"

Found Father AU

It’s in the first few weeks of having Taemin at home that Jinki realizes that while yes, Taemin is just a couple months shy of his thirteenth birthday, he’s still just a child. It’s when Jinki walks up behind the couch to see what Taemin has turned on Disney Plus (after being excited beyond belief that Jinki even had an account in the first place and of course had a profile all set up for his new adopted son).

Because Taemin is watching a Pooh Bear something-or-other. And he’s lying down on the couch cuddled up under a blanket, and he’s totally absorbed in the cartoon. 

“Will you watch it with me?” Taemin asks softly, looking up at Jinki from beneath the blanket cocoon, he’s eyes looking impossibly big.

Jinki opens his mouth and closes it a couple times, then just moves around the couch to sit with Taemin. And Taemin, despite still being somewhat shy, wastes no time in curling up close to Jinki.

“So you like Pooh Bear?”

“He’s my favorite,” Taemin whispers. “And Eeyore. And Tigger. But mostly Pooh.”

When Pooh ends up stuck in a honey pot, Taemin giggles and giggles and giggles, and Jinki just chuckles along too. It’s sweet, seeing how happy the silly old bear makes him. 

“I think if I was Christopher Robin,” Taemin starts after a while, “that you would be my Winnie the Pooh.”

“Oh really?” Jinki asks, a big grin on his face. “And would you bring me honey every day?”

“Every day.”

Jinki chuckles more and holds Taemin close.

“And Uncle Minho would be Tigger.”

It makes Jinki laugh loudly, and he huddles over to smile at Taemin, who’s still smiling and giggling right back.

“And just who would Uncle Kibum be?” Jinki dares to ask.

“Rabbit.” Jinki hugs Taemin and laughs more, especially when he follows up with, “Or maybe Owl. Since he’s such a know-it-all too.”

“You’re so mean to Uncle Kibum.”

“But it’s funny when I do it,” Taemin challenges, a smirk on his face.

They go to a weekly dinner at Kibum and Minho’s apartment that Friday, and Jinki brings up the Pooh Bear thing. Taemin only blushes just a bit, but he does smirk and laugh obnoxiously when Kibum gets offended over being Rabbit or Owl.

“Well I don’t think our Taeminnie would be Christopher Robin,” Kibum scoffs, sitting back in his chair.

“Then just who would I be?” Taemin scoffs right back, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Easy. Roo.”

“I’m not a baby!”

“Or would you rather be Piglet?”

“I am not Piglet!” Taemin whines. Then he turns to Jinki and says, “Tell him I’m not Piglet!”

“It’s okay,” Jinki humors him, and he puts an arm around Taemin’s shoulders. “You can still be Christopher Robin.”

Taemin pouts the entire rest of the night, but mainly because Kibum keeps teasing him about being Roo and Piglet. 

“Or maybe you can be Eeyore since you’re such a grump,” Kibum teases him, patting his head after putting a piece of cake down in front of him. “Why don’t you eat your cake and stop being so grumpy.”

Taemin takes a huge forkful of cake and frowns even as he chews it.

When Taemin’s thirteenth birthday rolls around and Kibum and Minho give him a Pooh Bear blanket along with the rest of his gifts, he tries to pretend like he’s too old for it and that only babies would want a Pooh Bear blanket. Kibum and Minho know he likes it though, that he’s just being a difficult little teenager.

Jinki also assures them that Taemin loves it by constantly sending them pictures of Taemin curled up on the couch his new favorite blanket - the Winnie the Pooh blanket. Kibum eventually frames one and keeps it front and center for Taemin to see when they come over for dinner one weekend. Taemin pouts and frowns and huffs and scoffs and acts like all teenagery about it, insisting that it’s just cold on the couch and he just needs any old blanket. Kibum and Minho know it’s all an act. 

Kairi’s Grand Adventure: An Analysis of Kairi’s Character Arc

It’s a common complaint in the Kingdom Hearts fandom that series director Testuya Nomura doesn’t seem to know what to do with Kairi. Despite giving her a Keyblade in Kingdom Hearts II, he hasn’t done anything significant with her in the story since then. We all thought that Kingdom Hearts III was going to be her time to shine, but that ended with her getting captured and apparently killed by the bad guys right after her first time as a party member. Sora and Riku have been growing and evolving over the course of the saga, but Kairi has for the most part stayed the same. 

@blowingoffsteam2 pointed out parallels between Kairi’s scenes with Sora in Kingdom Hearts III and the events of the 100 Acre Wood in the same game. Pooh has sensed that something about his connection to Sora has changed, and tries to hold onto it while Sora is there helping to harvest Rabbit’s garden. Kairi senses that something about her connection with Sora has changed and tries to hold onto it by sharing a paopu fruit with him. While the parallels make sense when you look at them, it also seemed like something certain subsets of fandom would easily twist out of context to argue that people who noticed the parallels were “infantilizing Kairi” or some other BS accusation. Plus, I couldn’t for the life of me understand why Nomura chose Pooh specifically. 

But then I was watching a video on YouTube by Six Degrees of Kylo Ren Podcast analyzing Disney’s live action film Nutcracker and the Four Realms, and they mentioned something that got me thinking. They talked about how in a coming of age narrative, leaving the romantic tension between the two leads unresolved so the protagonist could go home and dance with her father was the storytelling equivalent of cutting her coming of age short to keep her trapped in childhood. That was when it hit me: 

From the very beginning, one of the biggest aspects of Kairi’s character is her fear of change. She expresses concern over Riku having changed the night before Destiny Islands is consumed, and of course we all remember how she tells Sora “don’t ever change.” And when you think about her backstory, it’s no wonder that she’d be afraid of change. 

Her home world was conquered by Maleficent when she was four, and Xehanort proceeded to fling her out into the universe hoping her powers as a Princess of Heart will lead him to a Keyblade Wielder. She then washed up on Destiny Islands with no memories of where she came from. Of course she’s going to be reluctant to do anything to challenge the status quo. Her life on the islands and friendship with Sora and Riku is all she knows. I wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t actually on board with the whole “leave on the raft and explore the worlds” plan from Kingdom Hearts 1 and only went along with it because she didn’t want to be left behind. 

So when I started thinking about that “trapped in childhood” comment, it suddenly hit me why Testuya Nomura chose not to give her more to do in the larger narrative of the Dark Seeker saga. While Sora and Riku are out exploring the universe and growing up, Kairi is metaphorically stuck in childhood. Kairi is actively trying to hold on to the past, staying on the islands where everything is comfortable and familiar, sheltered from all the great cosmic battles her friends are fighting out in the wider universe. 

The reason that the games have explored her past so little beyond her cameo in Birth by Sleep is that in contrast to Sora’s willingness to take on the burden of other people’s pain, for most of the Dark Seeker saga Kairi isn’t ready to handle the pain of her own past. And she won’t be ready to handle that burden until she accepts that the idyllic life she has on the islands with Sora and Riku won’t last forever. 

While it may frustrate the fandom that she hasn’t really done much, there’s a reason that Kairi’s arc hasn’t gotten as much spotlight in the games compared to Riku and Sora’s growth, and it has to do with another Disney parallel. 

In Kingdom Hearts 1, her body ends up in Neverland after the destruction of the Destiny Islands and is kept in a cell along with Wendy Darling, who Hook and Riku initially believe is the last Princess of Heart. The central narrative of the film Peter Pan is that Wendy starts out afraid of growing up but comes to accept that it’s not a bad thing. Part of what helps her come to this development is seeing firsthand what the consequences of not growing up are. 

For Wendy, she sees the pettiness and immaturity of Never Land’s residents and realizes that staying young forever isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. For Kairi, staying behind on the Destiny Islands means that Sora and Riku continue to leave her behind when they go off on their adventures while she stays the same. 

When I thought about the parallels between Pooh and Kairi in Kingdom Hearts III, I realized that those parallels could be accurately described through the lens of a particular Pooh film. In the 1996 Direct-to-Video movie Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin, Christopher Robin has gone off to school and left a note explaining to Pooh where he is. Thanks to Owl misreading the note, the stuffed animals of the 100 Acre Wood believe that Christopher Robin has been kidnapped by a monster and taken to an ominous cave known as Skull. With a map provided by Owl, Pooh, Piglet, Rabbit, Tigger, and Eeyore set off to rescue their friend. 

While each iteration of the 100 Acre Wood in the Kingdom Hearts franchise includes the iconic locations visible in almost every Pooh film, Pooh’s Grand Adventure is the only specific movie in the Winnie the Pooh franchise to be referenced in a Kingdom Hearts game. The storybook map in the Kingdom Hearts II visits to 100 Acre Wood confirm that the Spooky Cave area is the same Skull cave featured in this movie.  

The film begins with Christopher Robin attempting to break the news to Pooh that he’s going off to school and won’t be able to spend all of his time in the 100 Acre Wood anymore, but Pooh continues to brush over his attempts to bring up the subject. The film’s opening musical number, Forever And Ever, hammers the point home that the idea of things changing and the status quo not being the same forever doesn’t even register as a concept in Pooh’s mind. The rest of the movie centers on Pooh coming to accept that things change but that he and Christopher Robin will always be connected. The words “even if we are apart, I’ll always be with you” are central to the movie’s themes of growing up and accepting change. 

When you think about Kairi’s character arc as a parallel to the plot of Pooh’s Grand Adventure in addition to the Wendy parallels, it solidified that Kairi’s arc over the course of the Xehanort Saga has been about her letting go of her fear of change and accepting that things won’t stay the same forever, and that it’s a normal part of growing up. 

In KH1, we see Kairi trying to stop things from changing, or even deny the possibility of change, when she talks about how Riku has changed and tells Sora not to change. While Riku and Sora were out gathering supplies for the raft, Kairi was making a charm for good luck to ensure that they would return to the islands safely. And when she gives the charm to Sora late in the game, she makes him promise to bring it back to her.  

Kingdom Hearts 2 shows her beginning to acknowledge that things are changing and she can’t stop them. She begins to realize that waiting for Sora and Riku to come isn’t good enough for her, but she doesn’t actively seek out a way to leave the islands until Riku covertly presents her with one in the form of a Dark Corridor to Twilight Town. Once she met up with Hayner, Pence, and Olette, her plan went back to “wait for Sora to come back”. 

By the end of Kingdom Hearts 3, Kairi has finally accepted that things are changing. Regardless of what shippers assume, the context of the game’s themes frame Kairi sharing Sora a paopu fruit as a promise that even though things have changed between them, they will always be friends. One of the major themes of Kingdom Hearts 3 was accepting separation and letting go. While this certainly applies to Kairi saying goodbye to Sora at the end of the game, it also applies on a deeper level to Kairi finally accepting what she’d been trying to deny since the first game: that things are changing and there’s nothing she can do to stop it. 

So despite our frustration at her lack of spotlight, Kingdom Hearts 3 wasn’t Kairi’s true time to shine. Only when she says goodbye to Sora at the end of the game has she finally overcome her fear of change and growing up, and she has a lot of catching up to do. Kairi’s real time to shine will be in the Lost Masters Saga, when she finally starts to confront her past. Kingdom Hearts re:coded involved Data-Namine testing through Data-Sora whether the real Sora was ready to accept the hurt of others into his heart. Kairi’s role in the Dark Seeker Saga was about preparing her to face the hurt in her own heart so that she can move on from her past. 

TL;DR: Kairi has lagged behind Sora and Riku because her fear of change was holding her back from growing up and reaching her full potential, but by the end of Kingdom Hearts III she has finally overcome that obstacle. 

Boba! Who do YOU think should have won each competition in the Texas Dream?! The world needs to know!!!

thank u for asking i cannot believe our rodeo queen skipped town so she could not defend her incorrect opinions 

MISS SWYNLAKE: ANNA SOMMERS

W H A  T i said what i said. some might just say im being #devanna trash but actually im channeling the spirit of every early 2000s rom com where the least likely candidate wins over the judges through talent, kindness, and a sweetheart smile1!!! anna has all of that and no underlying misogyny so YEAH, SHE’S MISS SWYNLAKE 

anna plz update ur bio to miss swynlake 

SWING DANCING COMPETITION: SUSIE AND VIXEY

yes this one is because i like gay people. 

buuuuuuuut no one can deny that these two had SERIOUS chemistry! Vixey was glowing under that spotlight, leading me to believe that she needs to sign up for some more community classes ASAP. And Susan Webb has the moves in both reality and Texas!crack universe. This is an obvious pick. 

RODEO COMPETITION: SAN(TANA) BY DEFAULT

"Simon” did not show up also even writing “Simon” feels like a microaggression so im going to stop. Congrats, San, you little weirdo! 

HORSE COMPETITION: “ELLEN” LLYR 

i’ll be honest here that i picked the prettiest horse. i think im right!!!!! 

LIVESTOCK COMPETITION: GREGORY EEYORE

and yeah HE RAISED RABBITS. OF COURES IM GOING TO PICK THE RABBITS. HAVE U SEEN A RABBIT? 

also anyone else think gregory was like weirdly thriving in this au like he was kind of popular and as always very hot. he had it all!! including a ribbon from me. ;) 

PIE BAKING COMPETITION: PIP’S PECAN PIE 

Oooooooobviously??????????????????????? Baked with love and full of sweet Amy Seville secret magic! Plus, pecan is an absolute southern classic. 

PRODUCE: DEVYN MOREY

Look, I love a busty pumpkin or a sexy head of cabbage as much as the next nonbinary internet creature, but I love sunflowers more. I am a ROMANTIC. And yes i know ur saying but boba louis grew roses! well roses are low-hanging fruit or whatever mixed metaphor you want to use. 

Sunflowers, however, are for confident, proud, bold, exciting, optimistic people! I am all those things. Sunflower supriority! 

and yes im #devanna trash

PIE EATING: MIRIUM AMBROSIUS 

Watching Mim demolish those pies gave me every single confidence that she would singlehandedly be dismantling the patriarchy and anti-magick sentiment in Swynlake one strongly-worded petition at a time. Mim! remember how much i like you??? i do <3 

And of course...

The best competition of all...

BEST BUTTER SCULPTURE: LOUIS BONFAMILLE. 

Yes that time I did the microaggression on purpose. Congrats Louis! 

This popped into my head and I had to draw it. Sanders Sides as Winnie the Pooh characters, I am probably not the first person to think of this tho… eh. Bit of a description on why I chose this line up. Edit: I gonna make a new one but for each character since I changed them. Thomas/Christopher: Friend to all sides, plays with all of them mostly, and learns from them not much to say cuz it speaks for it self. I did base the design off of some younger pics of Thomas. Logan/Rabbit: Both are smarter than most of the others, likes order, and loves healthy meals. Plus, they both have short tempers. Patton/Kanga: Both are parents, has kids( idk if that’s true with pat), loving and caring, can be strict, and will stand their ground. Roman/Tiger: Both can be somewhat prideful, likes to perform and talk about themselves, butts heads with Logan/Rabbit, and both are very energetic. Virgil/Eeyore: To be honest, Virgil was the hardest one to pick a character because I could see Eeyore, Piglet, and somewhat Lumpy being him. But I went with Eeyore because he always has a mopey and gloomy demeanor and sees the bad things in life, appreciates his friend’s help and love, doesn’t seem to take sides, and can be misunderstood by the others. Remus/Owl: Originally I was gonna make Roman him but I thought Remus sort of fit him more cuz he never stops talking and saying the most random of things and misinterprets a lot of words which causes the others to believe in fake info or freak out. Deceit/Woozel(Snaezel): I sort of forgot that there is a picture of a woozel in Winnie the Pooh. Anyway, I made him a woozel cuz they are seen has a bad guy and they’re mischievous and cunning. I made him look half snake because there are no snake characters in Winnie the Pooh by making his legs not very noticeable and have patch work that looks similar to a snake.

movie review

(this is an all ages blog, so I only talk about the family friendly movies we see. Spoilers, but as this film been on Disney Plus for ages, I don’t feel I need to hide any plot details.)

Christopher Robin

What we liked

the voice acting is stellar. there’s Jim Cummings voicing Pooh and Tigger again and Brad Garrett absolutely nails it as Eeyore

Christopher’s daughter Madeleine is cute with a relatable struggle (she fears being sent off to boarding school.) We love her reaction to Christopher’s old drawings of Pooh and the gang.

Evelyn is a loving wife, even if she’s a little fed up with Christopher’s workaholic ways. We like how she and Christopher immediately drop everything to look for Maddie in London. (Maddie? London? Suddenly I’m reminded of the suite life)

Christopher’s triumphant speech about the importance of family vacation. Also seeing his lazy boss get chewed out by his father, the actual head of the luggage company is very satisfying.

Neutral

Rabbit and Owl’s designs. It’s clear like in the book they are based on animals, not stuffed toys but it’s a little jarring if you’ve only seen the Book of Pooh or other animated takes on them.

the idea of someone as youthful and spirited as Christopher Robin going off to war gives hints to the grim realities British people endured. It makes sense in the context of the movie, but prior to viewing it, I would have never have thought it of the character

Didn’t Like

Rabbit, Owl, Kanga, and Roo basically have nothing to do after Christopher ‘saves’ them from a heffalump.

The 109 Acre Woods: A Winnie The Pooh Murder Mystery

concept I had first thing into the morning a while back. 

Grizzled detective Eeyore must solve the cold blood murder of the most popular man in all the 100-acre woods; Christopher Robin

Everyone’s a suspect!

Pooh caught Christopher Robin cheating on him with B’loon just as they were starting to plan their wedding. He was heartbroken. 

Piglet was always jealous of Christopher for winning Pooh’s heart and quietly stewed in his jealousy for years. But could such a timid pig do this?

Owl hated being ignored, and always seemed a bit off. Plus, he never was the most trustworthy individual. 

Rabbit has anger issues and is easy to make steam. He could have snapped and finally gotten violent.

Kanga would do anything to protect her son Roo. Could Christopher Robin have posed some form of threat to the child in her eyes? It’s an angle to take.

Tigger seems to be the only one without a motive, but he has the strength and tenacity to commit such a crime- so he has to be investigated.  It breaks Eeyore’s heart to see his husband questioned like some average low life scum.

In the end- who done it? I won’t say. 

Christopher Robin (2018)

Starring:

Obi-Wan Kenobi as adult Christopher Robin

Peggy Carter as Christopher Robin’s wife

Mycroft Holmes as Christopher Robin’s stupid boss

Winnie the Pooh as...Winnie the Pooh

The creepy villain guy from Sherlock, Doctor Who, Ever After, and Captain America as Owl

Liz Ten as Kanga

The Hook-Handed Man in Tangled (plus a lot of other random characters from cartoons) as Eeyore

The Twelfth Doctor as Rabbit

And as a bonus, several other randomly famous British actors playing random other people

Thanks to my thrift haul today I now have the whole set plus some doubles!!!!!!! (My set was missing owl, rabbit, and gopher and the set I found at the thrift store was only missing eeyore)

All the Ways I Got to Know Your Pretty Face and Electric Soul

From @kuromikoneko​

 A snowball fight between Root and Shaw is both a rare and marvelous event and hardly ever sticks to simple snowball throwing. They almost always end up wrestling in the snow, getting the cold slush on warm skin where their clothes don't quite meet fully after being pushed up or down in their bout. However, it's even more rare that they have Bear and even Gen tagging along, though to be fair, it was the kid's idea to play in the snow after the massive storm the previous day. It had been pure luck they were housing Gen this week before Christmas.

 The first day she had shown up at their door unexpectedly, Gen questioned why Shaw was eating melon, to which she got a gruff 'hey' and a disappearing idol. Root has explained it was part of the Yalda Festival and though Shaw wasn't a devote believer and hated melons, she would make the exception each December to honor her mother. A fact she only mentioned when she and Root were alone in the middle of the night unable to sleep because of their shared nightmares waking them. Root didn't mention the latter, but fondly remembered those moments of sharing.

 And soon it would be the Festival of Fire, two days after the Christians' Christmas. Root was trying to figure out the best way to celebrate with Sameen (again, in honor and respect of her mother), but where would the best place for a bonfire be...?

Today, the three found New York City covered in nearly a foot of snow, the streets and sidewalks already clear by the time Gen woke and hobbled sleepily into the open kitchen and living room. Excited about the view over Central Park, she begged the couple to bundle up with her and all take Bear for a walk. What her deviousness had in mind, however, was some fun in the snow and soon as she got the opportunity, she let rip with a well packed snowball heading toward Shaw's back.

~Smack!~

Giggling madly, Gen immediately sought protection behind Root, claiming, “Snowball fight!” and hoping Root would be on her side.

“You asked for it, kid,” Shaw warned, crouching down to pack a snowball together. Circling Root, who felt oddly unsure if she should protect Gen or let Shaw take the shot, kept her body between the pair for the moment, arms spread. Seemingly finding a flaw in the plan or simply not caring, Shaw threw her snowball and it hit Root straight in the face.

Root heard Gen gasp behind her, imagining mittened hands over her mouth as she wiped the snow from her face to avoid too much moisture down under her collar to her clothes. “Them's fightin' words, sweetie,” she threatened, glaring at Shaw before grabbing Gen's shoulder to find better cover.

“No cheating, you hear?!” Shaw called out after them. Root wasn't sure if She was listening today, but would honor Shaw's wishes even if The Machine chimed in.

As the battle raged on, their outerwear sufficiently spotted darker thanks to their successful hits with snow, Root eventually made a daring move. Spotting Shaw closing in on their location, she inadvertently used Gen as both distraction and bait, while she moved to one of Shaw's blindspots. Confident that Shaw hadn't detected her, Root leapt at the smaller woman, and they both collapsed to the ground and began battling for dominance in order to pin the other.

Gen stepped out from her hiding place, trying to aim her snowball, but decided either way she wouldn't be able to gauge who would get hit, and threw it softly toward Bear nearby. “Grown ups,” she grumbled with a secret grin toward the dog. Bear's head tilted and he huffed lightly. “Don't worry,” Gen said, petting his head affectionately. She took a seat on a bench after wiping it down of snow.

Huffing, Shaw managed to pin Root to the ground, an arm around her shoulders, the other holding a wrist firmly. “Gotcha,” she grinned.

“So you do...” Root smiled adoringly up at Shaw, head tilted slightly. Shaw visibly gulped, blinking once before she took a breath and sat back on her knees. “What's the matter?” Root asked, sitting up as well.

Shaw shook her head.

“Sameen...”

“It's stupid...”

“I don't care.”

“Just...the way you look at me. It...it's like I'm suffocating,” Shaw explained through her grit teeth, unable to look at Root.

“I'm sorry,” Root tried to say what Shaw wanted to hear, but Shaw shook her head.

“Don't be. It's something I'm not...equipped for.”

“That you're uncomfortable with?”

“I can deal with it,” Shaw spoke curtly.

Root smiled. “Good. Because I'm pretty sure the way I look at you is indicative of my feelings for you, of my looooove for you,” she leaned further forward and nipped at Shaw's jawline, hoping to relieve some tension with a joke.

Shaw's eyes rolled. “Nerd,” she grumbled before turning her head and capturing Root's lips with her own. Root hummed in agreement, a giggle escaping due to the vibration of their lips. “Come back here,” Shaw murmured, resting a mittened hand on the back of Root's head to kiss her again.

“Are we getting hot chocolate soon?” Gen asked as she finally approached the pair, Bear running circles around them in excitement.

Sighing, the pair broke apart and Root winked at Gen. “Sure. Maybe get some food too. I imagine this one's tummy is grumbling,” Root suggested.

“I am no Pooh Bear,” Shaw argued as she stood up, making a point by not offering to help Root up. Root managed to get her feet beneath her on the second try, a patch of ice below her feet the first time. Shaw scoffed in amusement. “You okay there, Eeyore?”

Root glared at Shaw with pursed lips. “Okay, fine, I'll accept Eeyore, but whom else would you be if not my cheer up pal, as Pooh so often is for Eeyore?” she asked defiantly looping her arm with Shaw's.

“That's Bear. Bear is everyone's Pooh. Finch is Piglet. Gen can be...Tigger. Reese is...Rabbit--”

“Wait, no. I think you're Rabbit with everyone not touching your stuff,” Gen piped up from Root's other side.

“Yeah...you have to have a place in this too, sweetie,” Root agreed. “Plus you and Rabbit share grouchiness in personality.”

Shaw huffed. “Fine. Then Reese can be...Owl and Fusco is Gopher. He's the weird one, right?”

“Gopher? Yeah,” Root confirmed.

“This is a strange analogy,” Gen commented.

“You're a strange analogy,” Shaw directed her comment to Root.

“Well...”Root began, grinning down at Gen. “Shaw calling me 'Eeyore' all started one day in the court houses....”

Online Dating - What Men Don't Want to See in Your Profile

Dating apps - the modern way to date. Media portrayal of "when dates go wrong" has taken isolated incidents and made them the norm, so the likelihood of meeting somebody in a bar and starting something new is now very small. People just don't trust each other.

Dating apps make dating safe and easy. Scrolling through profiles and choosing whether you like them or not has never been easier. It's like shopping for your soulmate and you get an entire aisle to pick one from. All of them are different in their own way, but a lot are the same in many ways too.

I have been using dating apps for over a year, have had my own degree of success, but am now just using them to people watch and for entertainment - yes that's right, entertainment! I use Plenty of Fish, Tinder and Bumble. Let's explain a little about each one first:

• Plenty of Fish (or PoF) - this is the most complex of the three. You input a lot of information about yourself, likes and dislikes, what you are looking for and personality, there is even a "Chemistry Test" to complete for compatibility (although I am yet to see a profile with this completed). You then add photos of yourself, in the hope of attracting that one person, and write a detailed "About me" description. You are shown photos of potential matches in your area and when you click on them you are taken to their profile. There is then lots of information allowing you to decide whether or not to make contact. PoF also has a "Meet Me" section, which is a quick swipe where you decide based on one photo whether or not you would like to meet somebody - this is however a paid section and as such nobody uses it! • Tinder - this is the famous dating app, where users swipe left or right depending on whether they like the look of the person in the photograph. Right for yes and left for no. Tinder allows you to view all of their profile photos, which can range from 1 to 8 images. If you like the look of the person and want to learn more, then you can tap on the bottom of the photo for their description - some people use it and others don't. When a match occurs, the onus is generally on the male to make initial contact • Bumble - this dating app is similar to Tinder, but laid out differently. On Bumble, the user scrolls up page by page to view details of the person that they are looking at and their additional images, but like Tinder it's a left or right swipe depending on whether you are attracted to that person. Unlike Tinder, when a match occurs, the onus is on the female to make the first move, in fact the male cannot send the first message and the lady has just 24 hours to send that first message. If you particularly like your match then you can use a function to extend that 24 hours to 48 hours.

Click Here For Dating Tips For Women & Men

All sounds very complicated, but it really isn't. I have found that the best "quality" ladies use Bumble, then Tinder and bottom of the pile are users of PoF. Bumble users tend to be professionals who enjoy "the finer things in life and world travel", Pof users are less likely to be professionals and mostly enjoy "watching tv, going to the pub and family time".

I have decided to write this, with a view to pointing out, from a man's perspective, why the women on these apps become unattractive, despite how they may look. I also want to point out where women have their information wrong, when it comes to the male users of these apps. I know some men do not read the description that is painstakingly laboured over and go purely on looks, but there are many female users who do exactly the same thing.

PROFILE DESCRIPTION

Let's look at how the profile is viewed when read.

There are many ways that profiles are written and the majority are very negatively composed, others are amusing and others are very sensitively and intelligently put together.

By "negatively composed", I mean that they are an endless diatribe of why the user is hacked off with dating apps and men in general and what a potential match shouldn't do, shouldn't say in the first message and a very tight description of how they should look! They use phrases such as "just jog on" if a user is looking for something particular such as "one night stands", "a skinny supermodel" or even "doesn't like children". These are all things that put a potential match off when they read your profile - it comes across as aggressive and being written by somebody with "attitude" and a dislike of men in general... I mean if you dislike men so intensely then why are you looking for one?

Click Here For Dating Tips For Women & Men

Sizeism is rife - I once read one lady's profile and it simply read:

"What do you call a man under 6 feet tall? A friend"

How is this conducive to finding a match? OK it made me smile, but also made me realise what I was facing - I am 5 feet 8 inches and in the dating game, considered a "short a**e" and therefore not worthy of a date. Why limit your options to finding a good man, who can satisfy your every requirement, because he is an inch or two shorter than you when you have your heals on? It all seems to be about appearance, which immediately is a left swipe for me, because it shows how shallow these "beauties" are. "I want to wear heals when I go out and therefore this adds 4 inches to my actual height of 5 feet 3 inches" - oh so you are actually a "short a**e" too then?

Here is a quote from another profile. This one belonged to an attractive woman of 52 who was 5 feet 2 inches and looking for somebody of a similar age:

"Must be over 5 foot 10 (as I like to wear heals) and have a full head of dark hair".

I thought, honey if he's reached 50 plus and he still has a full head of hair he's done well, but if it's still dark then he's using Grecian! If I wrote a similarly specific profile description and said, for example, "Must be a size 8 to 10, 34 BB and have red curly hair" I'd be shot on sight and get ignored by every woman who came into contact with my profile for being a misogynist! And it would probably be screen shot and shared around social media.

Clichés are another overused medium in Profile Descriptions - two of my absolute no-no's are "looking for my partner in crime" and "love to travel abroad and in the UK".

Looking for your "partner in crime"? Well I have no desire to help you bump off your ex, dismember him and scatter him around the county! I work in prisons, but have no desire to actually reside in one, thank you very much! LEFT SWIPE!

Click Here For Dating Tips For Women & Men

So you like travelling and holidays abroad and in the UK? I think that goes without saying, we ALL do! The fact that you mention it in your profile, for me, means one of two things. Either you could not think of anything interesting to write in your profile and thought "travelling" made you sound interesting or mysterious, OR you are looking for a partner who will whisk you away somewhere warm and sandy 3 or 4 times a year! LEFT SWIPE! I once called somebody out on this, we matched and I asked her "I see you like travel, what's the nicest place you've ever been to?" She replied "Scotland." I asked "No outside the UK". Her response "Oh, I've never been abroad, but really would like to; maybe we could go somewhere together." So you want me to take you abroad, because you can't or won't take yourself? Yet her profile stated that she liked to travel abroad.

Ladies complain that they feel their profiles go unread, but given the amount of profiles that I have read which are written in this way, there is no wonder that men don't bother reading them. I can now quite accurately predict, just from a photograph, whether a profile is written in this way.

The other thing that puts me off potential matches is "attitude" in a profile - when a profile is worded in a way that is aggressive towards potential matches. Many profiles are worded in a way that aggressively states what the person is looking for, what a match should and should not have in their profile photos, what a match should and should not behave like, how they should word their contact message etc., these profiles usually end with the words "if this is you then 'jog on'." I hate this expression.

If you are writing a profile, ladies, and you want to attract a potential mate, then tell us about yourself, put some effort into it. Make us smile, grab our attention. Don't, don't, DON'T use clichés, or drone on at inordinate lengths about how bad men are, or Tinder in general is; listing your assumptions about how men are all after one thing, hung up on their ex, or married. These things just make you sound like Eeyore talking politics and nobody dates a donkey!

PHOTOS

The profile picture is the first impression - it's the thing that makes us decide if we wish to delve deeper into this person's profile. In which case why put your profile image as a meme, a black screen, a photo of your kids, a photo of a landscape or a really close up photo of your eye? Really? Am I going to look at the rest of your pictures? Erm... no! As for my last example: is your profile a jigsaw, do I have to print off each photo in order to build a composite of your face?

There are a few things not to do when deciding which photos to include in a profile:

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• Don't use filters, ESPECIALLY Snapchat filters - if I want to see you with bunny ears, then I will buy you some, and if I want to see you with stars around you I will bang my head on something solid! These filters do not give an accurate representation of you and most of the time make you look scarily gruesome! When I meet you, I won't recognise you and when I finally do see through all of the wrinkles, I may feel the need to iron your face and make you wear the rabbit ears and shiny red nose that I bought along with me to make you actually look like your profile picture! • Pouting - NO! Some of you look like a puffer fish trying not to kiss a shark's backside! Just smile and be natural - show me the sparkle in your eyes and the smile that makes the sun jealous. • Skiing Photos - women complain that men's photos always show them holding a fish (you would be surprised how many women have photos like this - you CANNOT describe yourself as an animal lover and stand there holding a suffocating fish) or standing by their car or motorbike. Well in my experience 75% of the female profiles I have visited show a photograph of them on the slopes leaning on their skis or something similar. We do not wish to see you in skiing goggles, hat, scarf, gloves, skiing overalls, big boots etc. All we can see is your red nose and all we can imagine is the copious amounts of snot you were trying to snivel up it, in order to have the photo taken without it running down and over your top lip onto your cashmere scarf! • Tongue - Please do not upload a photo of you sticking out your tongue, especially if you are over 50. It just isn't attractive in the slightest. I guess ladies think that it makes them look playful and fun, maybe even mischievous. It really doesn't, it just makes me think that you ran out of photograph ideas • Blurry Images - Given modern technology and the age of the selfie being upon us, there is zero excuse for the photos on your profile to be photos of old photographs or blurry in any way shape or form. They do not allow us to see what you look like • Face Only - Please do not give me 8 photos of your head, from pretty much the same angle! I get what you look like after the first 2 or 3. I want to see more - show your personality in them, your style, show me what you like to do in your spare time (except skiing for obvious reasons) - it's amazing what can be hidden when all that you are seeing is a face. Show me you in different clothes and at different times of the day - do not show me photos of yourself in different outfits in front of the same mirror, with the outfit that you were in in the previous image lying on the bed behind you or in a heap around your feet! • Cheesy Puffs - Specific example here of what not to do. This particular (large - I think BBW is what they refer to themselves as) lady thought that it was attractive to place a photograph of her sitting in a plastic chair on her patio, legs out in front of her, slippers on, fag in one hand and an oversized packet of cheesy puffs in the same hand, her other hand shoving a handful of said cheesy puffs into her mouth! Hmmmm, NOT attractive in the slightest!

The things people do! And then they wonder why they are having little or no success. Many will even combine all of these things into one profile.

My profile has a variety of photographs, all taken recently, in different places, doing different things and in different forms of attire. One photo in particular got me a great deal of abuse from a few women. It is a photograph of me and a horse, I'm sure that I have no need to explain the quantity of female profiles that I have come across where they are pictured with a horse! Apparently the fact that I am shown with a horse who had buried his head in my chest upon our first meeting, shows me to be weak and feeble and not a man at all; I was told that it was not manly, was unattractive and "wimpish". One woman really went to town on me about it, in a very abusive way, and it was really quite upsetting, but in essence shows the sort of person that she is and many others are on these sites.

CONCLUSIONS

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Lots of ladies are looking for a gentleman, who is attentive, compassionate, caring etc., but when they get one, you discover they are actually attracted to bad boys and find that they think you have some kind of ulterior motive because you are "too nice!" No, I am just being who I am - a genuinely nice guy and a gentleman who wants to treat you right.

Another reason for the above, of course, is that these women have been treated so badly by other men, that they do not believe they deserve the right to have somebody actually be nice to them. This really saddens me, that many men treat women in this way, which gives women the impression that this is normal and being treated properly is not. I had one match who took advantage of me being nice, to the point where I found myself paying her household bills as I felt sorry for her. I had another who was convinced I was a really nasty narcissist, using incredibly complex psychological games to entrap her, when all I was doing was being genuinely kind and caring towards her because that is who I am and who I was brought up to be. She could not find a box to put me in, based on her past experiences, and consequently I was told it was over.

My experience and the matches that I have dated have, unfortunately, led me to conclude that the majority of us who use dating apps are, in some way or other, "damaged", usually psychologically, by some incident in our life or experience with past partners. This therefore hinders our ability to "relationship" normally and consequently leads to us repeating cycles that ensure we remain in. To think that at some point in the future, every person in the modern world will have been on a dating app at some point in their lives!

Statistics actually show this to be true - they show that twice as many single people (compared to married people) suffer from mental illness, with single women being twice as likely as single men to suffer from severe psychological disorders. Showing that the majority of women on dating apps (at least two thirds of them) are completely bonkers! You have at best a 1 in 3 chance of dating a decent woman (women your chance is 2 out of 3 for dating a decent guy) - therefore for every 3 women I am matched with, only one is not suffering because of her past, if I am lucky.

All of that said, women are definitely the controllers where on line dating is concerned. They have the upper hand in what is acceptable for them to put in their profiles and photos. A guy doing the same sort of thing would end up having his profile reported a number of times and considered insulting or offensive for his wording. Women can state exactly what they are looking for even down to height, hair colour, facial hair etc. - a man doing that would be considered as an "AVOID". Apparently women can write whatever they like, regardless of how offensive it is - again, a man would not get away with this. It seems people forget that they are trying to attract somebody who will like them and want to go out with them and at some point, presumably, enter into a relationship with them.

own view on the whole profile thing is: honest images, that show not just my face but my whole clothed body, in clothes I like to wear and regularly do, in places that I like to visit. In terms of description, I describe myself and my personality honestly and succinctly and am honest about what I enjoy doing. I've been told that all of this makes me stand out from the crowd, but because it is so different to most male profiles it makes it look suspicious to potential matches! How ridiculous, that an honest profile can create suspicion amongst a myriad of fake ones, or rather people being insincere about who they are.

Due to everything I've detailed here, I have decided to limit my use of dating apps to "fun" only - by which I do not mean one night stands or any such shenanigans - that is people watching and entertaining myself, trying to guess from the initial image what the person will say about themselves and how their profile will read. I have also come to the conclusion that the majority of profiles are just people looking the way they think will attract the opposite sex, in terms of both images and description. I think many of the images are staged specifically for the dating app and that the description of self is worded using "commonalities" that are identifiers when searching for a compatible match.

During my research for this piece, I did speak to people who had matched on dating sites and found the love of their life. I spoke to more, however, who had trusted in dating apps for years (7 years is the longest anybody I spoke to had continuously been using these apps) and had no success at all. So it can be successful, but only for a very small minority of people.

I have decided to match the organic way, i.e. the meeting of minds and physicality that comes from a natural meeting somewhere, by chance, be it at a park or a bar or some such. Using dating apps just causes you to force the issue, when in reality it should happen naturally and in its own time. If it doesn't happen, then at least I have known true love, which unfortunately ended due to terminal illness. I am just going to get out and actually talk to people and if anything is meant to happen then it will. If not, then I will just enjoy my own company and continue to take myself on dates! Or I guess I could register as an escort and have the ladies pay me to take them on dates or better still on holidays abroad... certainly worth considering if all else fails!

I will leave you with one final thought, rather 'helpfully' provided by a friend who has been happily married for many, many years. He said "You should avoid the Supermarket Dating App. I've heard that you just end up with a 'bag for life'!"

Thank you for reading, I hope that you found this article of use.

Peace, light & love Click Here For Dating Tips For Women & Men