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skullhaver · 3 years

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It's 2021, and I'm watching Buffy for the first time.

The Virgil on my Buffy journey is my long-distance girlfriend, who has loved the show for years. We just finished season 4, and I wanted to write about my favorite episodes so far. I suspect some of my faves are beloved by most fans, but others are weird, personal picks. Buffy fandom, please don't come for me.

I thought this post would be short but I was wrong.

Hono(u)rable Mentions: "Band Candy" S3E6 and "Halloween" S2E6

Both these episodes have fun premises where the Scoobies run around Sunnydale after it was upended by zany, chaotic dark forces. "Band Candy" is fun for devil-may-care teen Giles. "Halloween" is fun for 18th-century-ditz Buffy. These are both very good, and are the sorts of episode I can imagine happily rewatching in the future. I just have more to pontificate upon for the other episodes on this list.

10. "Ted" S2E11

I can’t say I enjoyed this episode, but it did take me for a wild ride. Probably nobody else has strong feelings about this weird story where Buffy's mom dates a stereotypical cheesy family man, who turns out to be a controlling abuser, who turns out to be a robot. I remember shouting at the screen, "Did Buffy just kill a human man?? Is it okay in the moral logic of this show for Buffy to kill a human if he's a direct physical threat to her??" I knew Buffy would have deeper stories than the monster of the week formula we'd seen so far, but this early in season 2, I had no idea when or how that would happen. This was the episode that finally taught me that Buffy is largely not interested in moral ambiguity, or in exploring what it means to be good or bad. Except for season-defining exceptions like Faith and Angel, evil characters are simplistically, essentially evil. But it was wild to believe for a moment that Buffy murdered her mom's abusive boyfriend and would have to live with the consequences.

9. "Helpless" S3E12

When Buffy tries to be genuinely scary, it succeeds with aplomb. The premise of this episode is dumb and contrived ("Giles has to remove Buffy's powers without her knowledge for a seeeecret test by the Watcher's Council") but the chase and fight in this episode are some of the most tense and spooky scenes of the whole series so far. Buffy's vulnerability makes the stakes feel real in a way few other episodes manage. And Buffy's victory is all the more satisfying because she can't punch her way out of this problem, she has to be smart and creative. The fridge horror, of course, is that Giles would endanger her like this in the first place, but that gets sorted out over the emotional arc of the next few episodes.

8. "I Only Have Eyes For You." S2E19

Another spooky episode, this one a classic ghost story of forbidden love ending in murder - but with the twist that the ghosts possess people's bodies to have them reenact their final moments. I love stories about breaking a doomed-to-repeat cycle. I love weird shit like the snakes manifesting in the cafeteria. And I really loved the choice to have Buffy and Angel come to understand their feelings about their own relationship by embodying these ghosts - especially how they embodied different genders than their own to better fit the "roles" of the haunting story, thus subverting the expected pattern. I found this episode clever, poignant, and effective.

7. "Who Are You?" S4E16

"Faith and Buffy switch bodies" is a wild premise, but the real joy of "Who Are You?" is watching Sarah Michelle Geller being an extremely talented actress for 45 minutes, portraying a totally different character. Watching Faith confronted by kindness and love from Buffy's mom, Riley, and her friends, then getting launched into an existential crisis over it is so great. Also, I just dig a good church fight.

6. "Hush" S4E10

As stated above, love an episode that reminds me that these people are talented actors! Featuring demons that render all of Sunnydale unable to talk, we get to watch great physical comedy right next to tense, silent fight scenes. The visual creepiness of the Gentleman and their straight-jacketed weird little helpers is hard to beat. "Hush" is such a clever episode that it ascends monster of the week status to become almost Twilight Zone-esque. Also, for the first time, Buffy sees Riley doing his Initiative thing, and Riley sees Buffy being the Slayer, but they can't talk about it?? That's good shit.

5. "The Wish" S3E9

Both "Something Blue" and "The Wish" feel like the writers decided to use fanfic premises on their own show... so obviously I like them a lot. But getting to watch a dark timeline AU with interesting world-building and attention to detail, a hilarious and horrifying Cordelia POV, AND a smirking kinky vampire Willow? Hello?? And the fact that the Wishverse comes up again in "Doppelgänger" (another truly fun episode) only improves my opinion. I imagine this is the kind of episode fans simply love coming back to.

4. "Restless" S4E22

This David Lynch-ass dream sequence was a weird choice for a season finale, but an extremely ambitious and cool episode. I should say up front that I love David Lynch-ass dream shit. There were creative and well-executed scene transitions as characters moved seamlessly from one dream room into another. Several memorably neat shots - Willow running between endless curtains as she tries to get onstage, Buffy alone in a vast desert with a weirdly high camera angle. And I got myself all excited thinking that the First Slayer would maybe become a different kind of antagonist - maybe not even fully revealed in this episode, or maybe an Id-like aspect of Buffy herself. But I forgot Whedon gonna Whedon, so the First Slayer had to be someone Buffy could punch in the end. And the First Slayer is sadly yet another primitive-themed, emotionally-stunted character of color for this show. Most of her lines in this episode are literally voiced by a white woman speaking for her, and of all the dumb quips to make, Buffy had a line about her hair being unprofessional? Also, I'm a lesbian, so the fact that the most explicit act of intimacy between Willow and Tara this show has allowed us to see occurs in Xander's horny dream sequence... it’s unforgivable, Joss. This episode was one of my favorites ever, deeply marred by some bad writing choices.

3. "Lovers Walk" S3E8

Spike, perhaps the best non-Willow character in this show, is back in Sunnydale, a hilariously heartbroken mess of a man, hell-bent on getting his former girlfriend Drusilla back. (Drusilla left him for a fungus demon.) So Spike breaks into a magic shop to get ingredients for a love spell, where he runs into Willow, who is getting ingredients for a de-lusting spell, because she is worried she and Xander will be too thirsty to behave appropriately in public with their actual partners, Oz and Cordelia. This is a hilarious moment just to exist. This is all the episode needed to do to satisfy me. But the fact that Spike then kidnaps Willow, and it ends with tragic stakes of everyone's relationships coming apart, not to mention me genuinely thinking Cordelia was dead for a minute there - wow. Chef’s kiss. The episode is balanced shockingly well between Spike being an ominous villain, and being the sort of lovable semi-evil (more gremlin-like) side character he'll become in season 4. What a wild ride.

2. "Graduation Day" S3E21-22

I'm counting this two part season finale as one because it's my list and I'll do what I want. "Graduation Day" feels like a quintessential Buffy episode executed to perfection. It has Buffy reaffirming her position as a moral heroine, sacrificing her own blood to save Angel's life even when she thought she had to kill Faith to save him. It has Buffy and Faith (or Buffy/Faith, as I prefer to think of them) getting to square off in a dramatic, tough fight. It has a lot of Mayor Wilkins, a character I truly adore for some reason. Nothing like a public administrator who plays mini golf in his office, wants you to chew with your mouth closed, and will kill a graduating class of high schoolers to gain immortality. The catharsis of the whole school getting to fight back against evil, instead of just Buffy against the world - a real joy. This episode misses the top spot for two reasons. "A special vampire poison and the only cure is the blood of a Slayer" is too contrived for me to let slide, and also I had to see Cordelia and Wesley kiss.

1. "Becoming" S2E21-22

Buffy’s season finales really do have good stories and satisfying payoff. First off, Buffy starts this episode by punching a cop and fleeing from the law. Later, Spike also punches a cop. A.k.a., Buffy said blue lives don't matter. Second - I haven't gotten a chance to comment on this yet, but all throughout season 2, evil Angel is such a joy to watch. As regular Angel, David Boreanaz makes exactly one face ("I am a kicked, angsty puppy") and bless his heart, it gets so tiresome. As evil Angel, he is so expressive, dynamic and terrifyingly creative in his badness. And I love his weird threesome energy with Spike and Drusilla. But also, it's so hard to watch Buffy suffer as she deals with her evil boyfriend doing evil things. Her ultimate choice in this episode, to kill Angel even as Willow's spell restores his soul, gave me some real big feels! Also, this episode marks the first moment of Willow doing big, plot-shifting magic on her own, solidifying her transformation from computer nerd to witch!

Also, shout-out to the many good smaller moments in this episode: Spike making awkward small talk with Buffy's mom, Buffy constantly dunking on Principle Snyder, and Giles being tortured by visions of Miss Calendar (RIP Miss Calendar, I was your biggest fan.)

"Becoming" is an excellent season finale and the kind of Buffy episode I imagine I will want to re-watch in the future just for nostalgia's sake.

#buffy the vampire slayer #guess i will tag this and just engage in pvp if it happens #buffy fandom in 2021 i don't know you but please be nice #this was fun to write #i guess i do like this show!

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wetalkinboutbooks · 3 years

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Reaper of Souls by Rena Barron

Summary: After so many years yearning for the gift of magic, Arrah has the one thing she’s always wanted—at a terrible price. Now the last surviving witchdoctor, she’s been left to pick up the shattered pieces of a family that betrayed her, a kingdom in shambles, and long-buried secrets about who she is.

Desperate not to repeat her mother’s mistakes, Arrah must return to the tribal lands to search for help from the remnants of her parents’ people. But the Demon King’s shadow looms closer than she thinks. And as Arrah struggles to unravel her connection to him, defeating him begins to seem more and more impossible—if it’s something she can bring herself to do at all.

Set in a richly imagined world inspired by spine-tingling tales of voodoo and folk magic, Kingdom of Souls was lauded as “masterful” by the School Library Journal in a starred review. This explosively epic sequel will have readers racing to the can’t-miss conclusion. (Taken from Goodreads)

Our Ratings:

→ Geena: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️🌗

→ Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Overall: A messy sequel to an amazing series, we get to see the after effects of the fall out of Arrah vs. Efiya from KOS… and when we tell you it is MESS!!!

~Spoiler-Full Review Below~

The Good:

→ Arrah and Dimma

Geena: One of my favourite things about Reaper was the sprinkle of Dimma’s POVs throughout the story. We got an insight into Dimma’s life before she was Arrah, and how her relationship with the other Orisha and Daho developed. It also really helped build up the suspense near the end and set up plot twists that clocked us near the end. Dimma aside, let’s talk about Arrah. Rena Barron said brooding boys are out, brooding girls are IN! And you know what, we love to read it. The story starts off with Arrah trying to save Sukkar after she snapped all his bones while trying to save him, and she does save him :) Or so she thinks but that’s besides the point. Over the length of the book we follow Arrah’s inner turmoil of suddenly having the power of 10 tribal chieftains and being insecure about whether or not she even deserves it.

I loved Arrah, even when she was holding herself up to a terribly high bar and beating herself up about everything she did. Arrah helped bring her Auntie back from the dead and was like “Damn I suck :/” and thought shattering a girl’s glass (who was flirting with Rudjek) put her on the same level as her mom and Efiya. I was sitting there like NO GIRL YOU’RE PERFECT, YOU, YOUR MISSING TOOTH AND YOUR PETTY NATURE!!

Kae: YAAAAAAAAAS! Geena summed Arrah and Dimma up perfectly.

But I would like to add how much I love Arrah and how selfless she is. She’s always thinking about her friends and their safety, the safety of the tribal people, and of course the kingdom. She’s a worry woman, but for all the right reasons. And she also cares about herself; so much even that like Geena said, she beats herself up for the smallest of things. She’s so worried about being evil like her mother and her sister, that she calculates every single move that she makes, debating if it’s really worth it to use strong magic or not.

As for Dimma, I loved her POV’S. She is a complex character who has been demonized since book 1. We were taught to believe, through the POV of some of the Gods, that Dimma was a horrible Goddess who wrought nothing but chaos. They erased her name from history, LITERALLY. And Dimma became known as the Unnamed Orisha. While reading her POV, we learn that Dimma was quite selfless, much like Arrah (since they are technically the same person). Dimma was full of love and loved even harder. She went out of her way to give Daho immortality as well as his people, because she loved them so much. She defied the rules of the universe for her love, and it only came to bite her in the ass in the end. Like her siblings told her, “A God’s love is a dangerous thing.” And it was, but not exactly for the reasons one might think.

Geena: Kae’s summary of Dimma and Arrah is AMAZING, you know my ability to connect dots when reading is kinda shit so reading Kae’s summary gave me realization… Arrah tries so hard to separate herself from Dimma, because she refuses to believe that a part of her is in love with Daho because she herself is in love with Rudjek… but it’s like girl… you have travelled to the ends of the earth to fight and bring back the people you love (the tribespeople) just like Dimma searched the ends of the universe for immortality to give to Daho. It’d be much easier to reconcile your feelings if you just accepted that “Okay, I may have been Dimma but now I am Arrah”

Also another thing I love about Arrah is how she had…. For a time… three dudes in love with her… or at least what she thought was three dudes. Real hot girl shit.

→ Rudjek and Daho

Geena: You know the character archetype that’s like a snarky boy who knows he’s hot shit and acts accordingly, but when it comes to the person he’s in love with he’s just a bowl of mush. That’s Rudjek, and only Rudjek can pull it off. In KOS, he was slated to be the next vizier because of his father, in Reaper he’s known as a prince because his dad snaked his way into becoming the monarch. So, now he’s the snarky prince…. And the only snarky prince with rights! His POVs were actually so fun to read, like following the politics of the Kingdom and him dealing with his new craven powers…. Which also had him being able to smell pheromones when people were doing the dirty around him 😭

I really liked that Rena gave him a POV, because now we get to see how he develops given the fact that him and Arrah are dangerous to one another, because he saps her magic with a single touch and could kill her. The whole time Arrah is stressing like “Damn, what if he doesn’t like me anymore because we can’t touch” meanwhile Rudjek is like “I’ll fight the Gods if I have to, to keep her by my side” and it’s like 🥺Also, who let a teenager be in control of a whole army… I thought the vizier was a sly and smart man but I digress… Another thing I liked about Rudjek in this book was that he didn’t shy away from uncomfortable conversations with Arrah, regarding the fact that he confused Efiya for Arrah when they did the unspeakable in the clearing in KOS. Like, that was very mature of them and I’m glad they could deal with that misunderstanding… But… hands down… my favourite scene… During the climax of the book Rudjek gets a demon soul shoved down his body, and immediately assumes it’s the demon king…. And his only command to his friends is to not let him near Arrah😭😭😭 I was like PEAK ROMANCE, SOFTEST SHIT, SACRIFICIAL LOVER!!!!!

Kae: SO GEENA SUMMED UP RUDJEK SO DAMN WELL. LIKE DUDE OMG? Correct. He is perfect. I really don’t have much to add but I just genuinely loved him as a character. He is caring for both Arrah and his friends. He is also one of the few male characters I’ve read that actively tries to go against their father. Most dudes in books are like “Fine puhpa, I shall do your evil bidding.” But Rudjek is like “Sike bitch, I’ll let you think that but I’m doing what I WAAAANT!”

But okay, let’s talk about Daho. So first off, I love him??? Am I a villain sympathizer now? Tbh, I don’t really see him as a villain. Man’s didn’t commit a genocide or try to scheme Arrah out of her pants. AND HE VERY MUCH HAD THE CHANCE TO and he was like “nah.” And I appreciate that. Because there are a few certain villainous men who I shan’t name, that be on that scant shit. And Daho is just like… genuinely trying to avenge his wife’s death (Dimma) and try to get Arrah to remember that she is Dimma.

YES, I know he got Arti to bring him back. BUUUUUT, he didn’t tell her to kill a bunch of kids and shit to do it. Arti did all that evil shit on her own and Daho was like “look, i don’t condone that shit. But it’s over and I’m sorry it happened but I can’t change it.” And I’m like… okay, mood. I get it. Daho is sweet and caring. He looked out for Arrah in *redacted’s* body because we didn’t know *redacted* was dead the whole time. And even then, Daho was still like “My bad… But he wasn’t using his body??? So I took it???” Why let it go to waste, amiright?

Geena: STOOOOP FOR REAL HE WAS LIKE “It was empty, I didn’t think you’d mind”

Kae: LMAOOO OKAY BUT DEADASS. And like, idk man. He just seriously isn’t a bad person. He was trapped because after the God’s killed Dimma, he was like “BET IMMA JUST KILL THEM” and they lowkey were shook so they trapped his ass in a box for a millenia or whatever. He wasn’t even out to kill all humanity or anything. The God’s were just being some haters and now he’s suddenly the bad guy. Anyway, we stan Daho in this house.

Geena: Daho is how you write a sympathetic villain. He owns up to his own mistakes even while his demons run free terrorizing people. Kae said it best that he just wants justice for his wife and unfortunately history is written by the victors so the Orisha painted him out to be a bad guy… My dude was just chugging that respecting my wife juice and they killed her… and he also thinks they killed his son… Guess me and Kae are just villain sympathizers now

The Bad:

→ The Ending

Kae: Okay, let’s get it. And I also just want to clarify that when we say “the bad”, we don’t mean we hate it. This is just something that was like “oh fuck, this is BAAAAD! THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GO DOOOWN.”

But like, good Lord. The ending? That shit was crazy. First of all, we find out that *redacted* aka, SUKKAR. OUR SWEET, PLAYFUL, SARCASTIC SUKKAR. IS DEAD. HE HAS BEEN DEAD THIS WHOLE TIME!? Excuse me while I *SCREEEEEEEEEEEAM*. Like, what an unforeseen twist. This mf kicked the bucket back in KOS when Arrah tried to save him. Turns out… She maybe… Totally… possibly… Absolutely killed my guy on accident. He dead-dead. And this is how we find out that Daho took over his body, once Sukkar’s spirit ascended. It was a really sad reveal and my heart kind of hurt reading it. I straight up wasn’t expecting that to happen. THEEEEEN. GOTDAMN EFIYA. IS BROUGHT BACK.

Geena: No joke, the ending of Reaper was just one sucker punch followed by another… At first you think Tyrek (the prince from KOS who joins Arrah and her crew on a journey to save the tribespeople) is the demon king, then you think it’s Rudjek because he’s getting possessed, and then you learn it’s Sukkar… The final punch to the gut was Daho bringing back Efiya because his close general asked for her… because she’s his daughter. We were like, DAHO ARE YOU SERIOUS YOU SAW THE DAMAGE SHE DID TO THE HUMANS!!! Like Efiya may have grown quickly in a few months but her brain isn’t fully developed, like that girl is UNHINGED!!! I thought we were done with the Efiya chapter but here we are, and I’m scared to see what role she’ll play in the final instalment of the series. I guess this is the case of bringing back an old villain that can work out really well… I trusted Rena with the messy Arrah/Daho/Rudjek love triangle, so I trust her with this too

The Ugly:

→ Tyrek

Geena: Remember how I said Rudjek is the only valid snarky prince… Yea, Tyrek can CHOKE!! In KOS he sides with Efiya and she wreaks havoc in the Kingdom, and in Reaper he’s brought to his knees. Rudjek’s dad wants to execute him for his crimes, but Arrah sympathizes with him because she knows how Efiya’s mind control worked. As you read, you get a sense of “Okay, maybe he isn’t bad, he’s helping Arrah and them” but then you get to the climax and you’re like okay nvm this boy was insane… Imagine travelling to a whole other dimension and making deals with demons, because you’re in a fucked up sort of romance with a half-demon girl. He managed to lie to Arrah that he was being controlled by Efiyah, when he was really with Efiya the whole way…. Even when she told him to murder his whole family… this man was vile!! He’s also one of our first fake outs, when he pretends to be the demon king I was kinda disappointed… I was like no this ruins the messy love triangle I’ve been waiting for! But it was just a fake out, Tyrek was just trying to scare Arrah into freeing Efiya, whose soul was in the demon dagger that Arrah used to kill her in KOS. Overall, 1/10 for this man… the 1 point is for when he figured out “Sukkar” had a crush on Arrah before Arrah even knew.

Conclusion

Kae: So, I don't have much to add to Tyrek’s snake ass. He really was ugly in the end. I’m glad he’s dead.

But to conclude, this was such an amazing, refreshing read. Reaper of Souls was a wonderful sequel to Kingdom of Souls. Rena writes so beautifully and she didn’t hesitate to have us readers shaking in our boots. Getting more background information on Dimma, the Gods, and their old ass war, was really fun and insightful! IT added to the story in a way I hadn’t even thought about until I was consuming it all!

Arrah and Rudjek are perfect angels and I can’t wait to see where book three leads them. I also want to give a shout out to Essnai and Majka for being such good friends to Arrah and Rudjek. Same to Kira and the Cravens. This is a really close knit group of friends who will go to the ends of the Earth (and literally new dimensions) for each other. THAT’S LOVE, BITCH. And we LOVE to see it.

Geena: For real! Rena Barron set up such an amazing cast of characters, and she really emphasizes the power of friendship in her series and it’s one of my favourite things to read. With Reaper, from the very start, she sets up the story in such a way you’re literally screaming by the end… I think it requires a special kind of skill to be able to set up a story so well that while you do make predictions about what’s going to happen, it still shocks you when you realize you’re right. Cannot wait to see the absolute mess that will be the final book, with Rudjek/Arrah vs. Daho… and the drama it will bring now that the Orishas realize that Arrah is Dimma’s reincarnation.

#Reaper of Souls #Rena Barron #YA #Kingdom of Souls #booklr #book review #wetalkinboutbooks #bookish #book blogging #book blogger #books #reading #Arrah #Rudjek #our post

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enigma-im · 4 years

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Kindle Unlimited Recommendation

Dark Planet Warriors Series

Warning: Gore, violence, some situation of wrongful touching

Summary:

8 stories. The series begins with a bug infestation on the mining station outside of earth. A species called Kordolians are there to be the exterminators. After a meeting with a strange human our primary story kicks off while the bug story plays in background in some stories while being the main focus for several books. The consistent story for the other 8 books is a romance between the aliens and humans that results in a war for purity.

Person thoughts:

Great fuckin series. Almost every book has a different couple with only the very first couple being the focus several other times. First book is fantastic, especially the first sex scene. Its so good. The next few focus on the bug infestation till its dealt with then it gets back to the war. Don't skip them though, Riker is a treat that deserves to be acknowledged. My favorite one of this amazing series is Infinity's Embrace. That book has some dope characters. Electric Heart is my least favorite because it's like a real bad Watch Dogs (video game).

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Dark Planet Warriors

Dark planet Falling

Into the Light

Out of Darkness

Forged in Shadow

Infinity's Embrace

Electric Heart

Brilliant Starlight

Office Alien Series

Warning: Awkwardness, drug use, kidnapping (kind of)

Summary:

Three books about an office relationship with three different aliens. Each alien goes through the venture of courting a human woman. All of them succeed on confusing then educating these people on their culture. All the aliens come from the same planet that has been ravaged by a tough alien species that try to wipe them out with their superior technology. That isn't a plot point, its just an explanation. Each story shows the struggles of cultural differences and how education and understanding can help make the world a better place.

Person thoughts:

I adore this series. One book in this series actually got a perfect score from me, which is strange cause I'm a tough grader. The first book has a super awkward lad who just seems to hate everyone. Its really cute and I like them both though their relationship is filled with cringe. The second book I didn't much care for. The main love dude was kind of an idiot and was too blinded by acceptance to be a reasonable thinking alien. Still decent but Its not my cup of tea. The last one- sweet jesus- was amazing. It has a ‘my cousin Vinny’ vibe with their relationship where they fight often but its like their form of foreplay. So good. There is another series that’s super short that takes place 1 year later for each story. Totally worth a read after you read the series.

Rating: 8/10

Books:

The E.T. Guy

The New Guy

The Security Guy

(Christmas special)

Kraving Khiva

Warning: Sex workers, forced prostitution, abuse

Summary:

Eve is a virgin who is fed up with it. After her father's death she has been ghosting by in life with her best friend. After said friend points out a brothel of some interesting aliens she decides to give the place a try to finally rid herself of her virginity. After just one night she keeps coming back, falling for the sex worker. Romance ensues with lots of strife and abuse to keep the two from their HEA.

Personal Thoughts:

Man, this story represents everything I love in a story. Tons of fluff. It was a really good slow burn that I didn’t expect from a story about a prostitute. The cover gives the illusion of a typical middle aged mother romance - which I guess it is- but it has so much more. I only had one problem with the story, the ending. I felt they could have given more information but they just glossed over it. Besides that, hot book. The second one is really boring, just a slice of life that I couldn't get into.

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Kraving Khiva

Prince of Firestone

The Queen's Ransom

Warning: Near death situations, a lot of near death situations, gore

Summary:

432 pages. Long book. Jalia enters into a competition to win a great prize. The interest of great fortune is too much for her to pass up. Little does she know the treachery the competition hides or the actual prize. The king of Minotaurs is hosting an event to test the strength, endurance, and intelligence of potential wives. In a culture that values strength they refuse to accept a queen who hasn't been tried. Genius Jalia goes through challenge after challenge, nearly dying about every chapter while catching the attention of a charming king.

Personal Thoughts:

I generally don't have the patience for long books but this one never dragged on. Every chapter was captivating and riveting. The challenges were interesting and Jalia's solutions were pretty genius. The relationship between the king and her is pretty grand, I adore them greatly. My only problem with the book is all the potty humor and insults. She was a genius but her insults left much to be desired. Once her biggest annoyance is no longer in the picture does that kind of stuff end.

Rating: 9/10

Book:

The Queen's Ransom

The Kraken

Warning: Gore, racism, attempts of suicide(only 1 book), sassy AI

Summary:

A mysterious creature has lived in the ocean long ago, since the beginning of the settlement on this planet. After a nearly drowning woman is saved a series kicks off. Each book has a different relationship of humans and Krakens. Every book tells the story of how the krakens go from living in isolation at the bottom of the ocean to breeding with humans.

Personal thoughts:

When I first read this story I was just getting into monster romance. The love interests have fairly human tops but hella tentacle bottoms. So I was a little off-put by it but as I read on I didn’t care. The first one is pretty good for a start. The second one was decent, I didn’t really care for it. I actually skipped the 3rd one my first go around. Which is fine, it doesn't add too much and its short. Its still worth a read. The 4th one, fucking grand. 5th one? My all time favorite of the series! If you don't want to read them all at least read the 5th one. Like ask me for story details and I'll give you a cliff note for what's mentioned in that story then you can read in peace. 6th was ok, love the sassy AI. I didn't read the 7th one. Its two old people and I just can't

Rating: 8/10

Books:

Treasure Abyss

Jewel of the Sea

Hunter of the Tide

Heart of the Deep

Rising from the Depth

Fallen from the Stars

Lover from the Waves

Escaping Wonderland

Warning: Sexual assault, gore, lots of sexual stuff

Summary:

Alice is wrongfully placed in a psych ward that specializes in simulation therapy. She is placed in a pod then taken to the world of wonderland. This twisted version of the children's classic introduces a rapey mad hater and manipulative Red King. The main love interest is a playful lad who has more control of the simulation than most. The two run from the clutches of the Red King while trying to escape the simulation.

Personal thoughts:

I had very low hopes for this story. I didn't expect it to be as good as it was. It was a twist on the beloved movie and book. Everything was rapey and creepy and I weirdly loved it. Of course nothing too terrible happened to the main lady so it made those situations more tolerable but only just. I adore the main dude, shadow. He was a playful little mischief maker and I would die for him. What made this book better for me was when everything hit the fan they didn't rid him of his sassy personality. Most books make the cocky, silly, playful personality as something that is bad and needs to change. This one they didn’t and kept it. So good.

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Escaping Wonderland

Infinity City

Warning: Abuse, gore, sexual assault, dope ass fighting

Summary:

A city where criminals are more in control than most people think. Each book takes the reader through different adventure of different people. All having the similarity of protecting the ones they love. The first is of an assassin protecting the only woman who has made him feel so strongly. The second is with a mob boss hacker who grows fond of a shy human. The third is the second in command of the mob boss hacker who finds a pregnant woman in a menagerie and discovers she is his mate. Fourth is one of the workers of the mob boss's security team who gets taken by some slavers along with a woman he was entertaining for the night.

Personal thoughts:

First book sucked. He was obsessives and pretty much took all her choices. It wasn't till the end that he was like "my bad, you can leave if you want". Bleh. Second book was fan-fucking-tastic. Arc is a charming idiot with an amazing backstory. I didn't like the girl in the beginning but she grew on me. I love that he focuses on her but still pays attention to work and his 'family'. The third was surprisingly good. I generally don't like stories where someone is pregnant because they get boring. This one was not that. She was never a hindrance or weak, she was a badass. With her big kitty man they made an amazing duo. Also any scenes with her man and the baby made me tear up. He was so sweet. Fourth was boring, it reminds me too much of a lot of other stories.

Rating: 8/10

Books:

Silent lucidity

Shielded hearts

Untamed Hunger

Savage Desire

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While people watch TV or Youtube in their free time, I read. I have such a weird organization with everything i read because i tend to reread stories and forget i read them. the entire time i read it im like “have i read this before?”. so for books i write them down, rate them, then review them. i didn’t post the reviews here because it would be so many spoilers. Also i sort my favorite fanfics by fandom then relationship. i read so fucking much, its a problem at this point.

If you liked this recommendation drop a like, reblog, or reply. i will perhaps do another if you all like this. i have read so many books and i can post some decent ones and some god awful ones. perhaps you all can tell me how wrong my thoughts are on the ones i deem terrible. i think we will probably agree, ‘free’ books tend to have lower standards.

#exophilia #monster boyfriend #monster boyfriends #kindle unlimited #recommendation #book recommendations #Enigma-IM #infinity city #escaping wonderland #the kraken series #queen's ransom #kraving khiva #office alien series #dark planet warriors

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takerfoxx · 4 years

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When trying to write a big balloon of good feelings with the EXPRESS INTENTION of bursting it... how big is too big before it's just cruel?

A very good question, and it comes down to purpose, execution, and follow-through.

Now, given my history and reputation, those sorts of situations are something of my forte, and I’ve had a lot of experience and trial and error to work things out, so here’s how you get maximum impact out of your dark, cruel plot-twists.

First, ask yourself why are you doing this? Is it purely for shock value, or does it serve some greater purpose for the plot and characters? If it’s the second, then go ahead and skip to the next section. If it’s the first, then go ahead and put that idea back in the oven because it’s totally not ready yet.

Look, as a writer, I get the appeal of shock value. Shock value got Imperfect Metamorphosis on the map. Shock value is in my blood. But if all you have is that shock and nothing else, then it’s shock value for shock value’s sake, which is just shallow and useless. You want to shock and disturb, yes, but you also want your audience to keep going to find out what happens next! Dangle that emotional catharsis in front of them! Give them some measure of hope that this is leading somewhere satisfying! Even stories like Chinatown and The Mist, which ended with the protagonists losing in horrible ways despite all their efforts, still felt like they were saying something bigger about the human existence and didn’t feel like they were cheating the audience.

For example: Marisa’s death in IM. I’ll freely admit, the idea first occurred to me and became part of the plan for the shock value, a way to throw down the gauntlet and show that no one is safe. But since the idea came to me early in IM’s run, I had literal years to refine the idea, build towards it, and map out how the fallout would go down, so that by the time it came around, it had turned into an essential part of the plot, from which the rest of the story would lead.

See, here’s the thing you need to understand about dark plot twists: they follow the same rule as edgy humor that breaks societal taboo. And that is this: the twist is not the payoff; the twist is the set-up. Think of the difference of between a rookie “comedian” who thinks that saying shocking things that you’re not supposed to say constitutes as “funny” and those who are offended just don’t have a sense of humor, and a genuine master like George Carlin, who used edge subject matter and taboo breaking not as the punchline, but as the set-up to the bigger joke and thus earn the big laughs when he managed to land the punchline and say something bigger about the topic at hand. It’s a wire act without a net, something that is spectacular if you can pull it off and lead to something greater, but will end in disaster if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Now, let’s move onto the next part: execution. Here you have to be careful, because while it’s perfectly acceptable (and in fact encouraged) to break the rules and conventions of the story’s genre, you still have to ensure that it’s keeping with your story’s internal consistency and rules, and that it makes sense! You want such-and-such a character to betray their friends and turn bad guy? Okay, but it has to make sense and be consistent with their backstory and motivations. You want to pull the rug out from under the heroes and ruin everything they had been working toward? Okay, but it has to be consistent with the rules that you had set up.

I’ll give you a few examples. Now, Game of Thrones might be in the doghouse due the dumpsterfire of a final season, but there was a time when it was upheld as the gold standard of dark plot twists, with the two big examples being Ned Stark’s execution and the Red Wedding. The reason why those moments were so shocking and effective wasn’t because they came out of nowhere, but because they broke the conventional rules of storytelling. OF COURSE the main character would survive! They even gave him an out by having him sentence to the Wall where his bastard son was, where they would no doubt reunite and plan their next steps! Ned’s the hero, after all! Except no, this isn’t that kind of story, Joffrey is still a sociopathic narcissist, doing what sociopathic narcissists do.

And the Red Wedding? OF COURSE it would work! Walder Frey had accepted the compromise, and we’ve put a lot of time and investment in Rob and Cate and their retainers. Rob was practically the new main character, and the driving force against the Lannisters. What was more, he was winning, and he was going to keep winning, even with his one or two slip-ups...except no, he wasn’t, because he had been warned about Walder Frey’s easily bruised ego, he had broken his word, so there was going to be consequences when the Frey’s cut a deal with the Lannisters, so welcome to Medieval-style skullduggery!

Hell, you can have some real fun with this too! And if I may toot my own horn, let’s look at the most recent dark twist from IM: the return of the Shadow Youkai.

Now, I know what my reputation is, and what people expect from me. As such, I can use those expectations to play a sort of follow-the-cup game with the plot. Everyone knew that the Shadow Youkai wasn’t gone for good; the epilogue of Fires of the Sun pretty much showed that. But no one knew when she’d be back, and that let’s me play with expectations a bit.

So I put together a big beach trip, where Rin takes all of her friends, new and old, out into public. And since this is Rin’s story, everyone expects it to go wrong. She expects it to go wrong. Because things always go wrong for Rin!

Sure enough, here comes Hong Meiling and Koakuma, two people with reasons to ruin Rin’s life! Surely they’ll catch and bust her! In fact, it turns out that Koakuma is Elis’s cousin, so surely that would mean she would...except no, they have a short chat, Koakuma doesn’t expose them, and they all go their separate ways. Nothing happens.

Oh shit, here comes Reimu! Not only does she know Rin, she also knows everyone in Team Nineball, and has fought most of the other girls as well! This isn’t good, how will Rin wriggle out of this (no pun intended)...except she doesn’t need to. Reimu and Rin’s various friends walk right past each other over and over without noticing, she chitchats with Hong Meiling and Koakuma for a bit, and then she’s called away to the next chapter’s plot. Rin never even so much as realizes that Reimu was there. Nothing happens.

But wait! Flandre is still a problem, and Seija’s still loose out there! And there she is, taking advantage of Rin’s absence to trigger Flandre’s madness! Surely THIS is the big disaster that’ll...except no, Kogasa quickly gets Seija to piss off and Wriggle coaxes Flandre back to sleep. Nothing happens.

Wait, the beach party was...a success? Nothing bad happened? Everyone had fun and made friends like they were supposed to? And it ends with Rin actually saving a stranger’s life and getting praised for it? Which story was I reading again?

Oh hey, there’s Minoriko, someone who hasn’t been seen a long time, and she says that Hina successfully devoured the Shadow Youkai’s essence, so there’s nothing to worry about. Well, that’s a relief! Strange though that a little curse goddess could handle something of the Shadow Youkai’s caliber, seeing how Sariel already mentioned how unsafe it is to use anything other than the original sword to do so, and how Rhapsody of Subconscious Desire already established that the Shadow Youkai is capable of taking over a secondary host, provided that she had access to their subconscious, and-

Click.

Boom.

So if you’re going to do it, make sure you set up believable reasons why it would happen in advance, even if the audience doesn’t notice them at first. Otherwise, you get Vince Russo’s booking of late-90′s WCW, where everyone was switching allegiances on a dime left and right just for the sake of having a SHOCKING SWERVE! Remember: it’s a highwire act without a net. Know what you’re doing.

Also, for the love of God, if you’re going to have a bad guy do a really bad, shocking thing in one part of the story but later join the good guys later on, don’t just sweep said bad thing under the rug. If Cain the Bloodspiller butchers little Timmy in book one but becomes Cammy the Bloodsaver in book five, then don’t let little Timmy be forgotten. Make sure that there’s still consequences.

And finally, the follow-through. Justify this shocking twist. Have it mean something. Take your time to explore the consequences. Show how it affects the characters. Dig deep into their psyches and make it feel real. The reason people STILL talk about Aeris’s death in Final Fantasy 7 is that the gameplay itself was designed to make you feel her loss, both from the viewpoint of the characters and you, the player.

One of my favorite dark twists is Mami’s death in PMMM, because it follows all of these conditions and does so spectacularly. It sets up how dangerous fighting witches is and explains that someone could really die while doing it, while tricking us into not expecting that to happen by already showing us how Mami kicks ass and establishing her as a main character with a promise to form a lasting bond with Madoka right before pulling the trigger. And afterward, it takes the time to really dig into the consequences of her death, from Madoka’s depression to Sayaka’s increased recklessness to being the catalyst that brought Kyoko into the story in the first place. Everything that happens after does so as a result of that moment.

So yeah, by all means, do that shocking thing, but make sure you put in the work to both earn and justify it.

#writing advice #game of thrones #puella magi madoka magica #pmmm

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quirofiliac · 3 years

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aurriferous said: plots please. -- blueshiftting (and i totally understand if you're not accepting anymore!)

@blueshiftting ／ plot theorycrafting／ accepting.

alright, so-- hear me out but... cordelia and kira always (and i mean, always.) rub shoulders some way or another. it harkens back to the old saying “stand users attract other stand users” and brings forth some credence to it-- to an almost downright disturbing extent with just how much it’s happening. it can be during an unfortunate happenstance of kira being hit by bad luck and cordelia’s caught up in the crossfire. or it can be something as simple as them, more or less, being forced to converse (y’know... like actual human beings.) due to the circumstances; they’re stuck in a line together, they wind up getting tired of running into one another with hardly a glance exchanged all the time, or something similarly cliché that it just makes kira’s stomach churn. little things that seemed more appropriate in context of a sitcom but, this time, have an underlying sinister tone due to both of their characters and their histories.

i think that this could be, additionally, a bit of a “slow burn” plotline? not necessarily a plot that takes place in just one thread but several-- there’s that creeping feeling (kira’s quiet. he’s almost a loner, but there’s just something about him that feels... off.) ‘delia gets from kira. the more they interact, maybe they gradually grow to form a “friendship” (from kira’s end, he thinks of it more-so as a business relationship. something to quell the twisting in his gut, to help him convince himself that this woman doesn’t stand a chance against him.) that just slowly -- ever so slowly -- goes off the rails. acquaintances to “friends” to enemies to “honestly if you died in front of me i simply would accept it”, methinks!

one that’s more straightforward but one that i am :eyes: at all the same: cordelia’s another potential victim of kira’s. could actually relate to the above plotline, maybe now that i think about it! he can’t help but overhear cordelia in the midst of a conversation (and thinks to himself, it’s always the ugliest women with the prettiest hands.) and decide, quite decisively actually, that she’s next. of course she isn’t going to be exactly next but, rather, just another woman that’s on the list. when he gets to her, he’ll get to her. this can range from several interactions of kira “following close behind” while weaseling himself out of the admittance that he’s more or less stalking her. could also, hm, involve some side casualties, as well; let’s say there happened to be a woman cordelia was seen speaking to in the bar but then, quite suddenly, she’s not seen there for over a week. she’s a regular, too, so it brings some unease into the bar, but everyone tries to play it off. oh, she’s probably on vacation. maybe work’s kicking her ass. or maybe she went back to college for the fifth time-- who knows!

then there’s a sudden tension that fills the air once it hits the headlines, broadcasting on the small television hanging over the bar: young woman found missing, last whereabouts: unknown. the bar’s atmosphere suddenly feels... heavy, like there’s a heavy weight that’s been placed on everyone’s shoulders save for one, irregular patron. all he does is continue drinking his whiskey, staring out towards the window while thinking to himself, “i should probably head home soon. it’s getting late.”

i mentioned this previously, but i think kira would come to gradually recognize cordelia from his father’s writings! i’m not too sure that yoshihiro would namedrop her (purely because i don’t believe he was that close to the agents of dio and, rather, served more-so as an outside force. he was trusted but not trusted enough-- i’d say he was on par with the nijimura patriarch.) but i believe kira would put two-and-two together. conversely, i think that also this could lead into cordelia also feeling a strange sort of “familiarity” (it’s the unnerving sort. one that doesn’t feel good, like she’s about to be sick.) towards kira, because i think that, while yoshihiro’s careful and secretive, he might let a few “details” slip. things about how he has a family-- a wife and a child. his dear, darling son that he never wants to lose and how, that if he did, it would simply crush both he and his oh-so sensitive wife. on this end, i feel like it’d manage more into a sort of... awkward interaction betwixt them where they’re both trying not to reveal too much about one another but also feeling the pressure all the same.

this one is the most “passive” plot, i believe? where it relies more-so on tension from a psychological viewpoint! hardly any sort of violence, but there’s just that implicit threat of it all the same-- mostly from kira’s end. smh.

#blueshiftting #oouf these all got kind of long #sorry for the bricks of text 😭 DKMGGKMFKM brain was a'buzzing let's just say that #thank u for sending one in tho!! :^ ) never too late for plots >:^ )#＊ 💥 返事：answered.#＊ 💥 摘発：out of character.

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aforgottenballad · 4 years

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Feelings on Sally Face Episode 5

Under a read more for obvious reasons, includes heavy spoilers and potentially triggering subjects.

Disclaimer: I might miss-remember some parts of the story or have missed a piece of lore that would settle minor complaints. I am however disappointed in the ending as a whole and in some of the very harmful tropes included in it. But I’m also just some dude online with an opinion, and you can stop reading at any time.

Rant under cut.

Alright ya’ll. I’ve had a couple days to digest the ending to Sally Face. While playing, I genuinely enjoyed some elements of the game. The chapter started on a dark but nearly hopeful note. Neil and Ash were still working to bring the cult down. It seemed likely Sal would be resurrected. Todd had apparently escaped the hospital, and that had potential to be either a very very good or very very bad thing. Maple was possessed by whatever fucked up the souls of the other apartment tenants, but hey! At least her and Neil weren’t in on the cult like so many fans predicted. Unfortunately, this series has a way of getting darker and darker as it progresses. First thing that bugged me was the lore drop about how the cult was founded. A Native American tribe. Right. Because why wouldn’t Indigenous peoples be in a story without being part of some mystical occult backstory, portrayed as mysterious historical props who worshiped something dark and evil instead of being portrayed as human beings.

But I continued. I really enjoyed playing as Ashley and getting some insight into her character. I enjoyed the task of planting the C4 in the temple... catacomb... thing. We get to see Travis again! I was excited that a lot of us were right about him being indoctrinated but also working to fight the cult from the inside. We knew he had some good in him after all.

When Ash tries to resurrect Sal, we get even more insight into her character, and unfortunately a lot of it is “Grieving, distraught, and full of self-blame”. I want to hug her. Sal’s spirit is apparently revived by those pyramids, and he can dimension warp. We meet Jim, or what’s left of him, and he doesn’t give a fuck about anything anymore but agrees to help Sal anyway. This is, narratively speaking, weird as hell. His entire character arc for four episodes was “Loved his family so much he sacrificed himself to save them”, and suddenly he’s just some glowy dude attached to Magic Spirit Tubes who doesn’t give half a shit. I guess it makes sense as a way to wrap up why he’s been able to drift between worlds but... if he doesn’t care about any of that anymore why help Sal? And what about Rosenberg? Is she like Jim, or do we just have to assume she’s magical because her family helped found the cult? (Explained in an easter egg later on, because this game doesn’t just drop its lore. Not even the CRUCIAL lore. You have to achievement hunt for it.) Sal can enter various doors in the House In The Void to step into alternate realities, and this was my favorite aspect of the game. Each door has a different art style, and I really liked seeing these alternate realities. Steve probably worked the hardest and longest on drawing out and coding these scenes. I genuinely applaud the man for the work put into this endeavor I’m assuming all by himself.

Meanwhile, Ash tries to unbind Larry’s soul from the tree house he died in, which doesn’t work. Did we ever find out why his body was never found? No? Ok that seems important.

After each puzzle, Sal’s body is restored a little bit at a time, but even after turning on all the pyramids and solving the mysteries behind all three doors, he can’t make it back to the “real” world. So Ashley kills herself. Or tries to. Because apparently that’s the only way to complete the ritual, and also because she feels really bad about not unbinding Larry’s soul and about not fixing Sal. Again, I want to hug her, but I have to watch her hurt herself instead, cause Steve doesn’t let us have nice things.

Okay, so this is a gorey game. We know. But one of the BIGGEST no-nos suicide prevention networks will tell you when consulting them about mental illness and suicide in media is NOT to show a graphic suicide in progress. Steve is aware a lot of his fans are A) Young teens to young adults B) Struggling with mental illness.

His main character suffers from depression and anxiety and this fact has resonated with hundreds of fans. It’s irresponsible to purposefully include a graphic suicide attempt, but he did it last chapter, showing a gunshot suicide’s aftermath, then he did it again with Ashley. Call me a wiener if you like, point out the graphic scenes from earlier in the game and call me a hypocrite for not being upset by that, but you have to admit the Spongebob-close-up-shot look to those scenes have a totally different feel. Speaking as someone who actually has a pretty thick skin, but is concerned about the fans who might be in a worse place or who could be as young as 12, that was fucked up.

Anyway, Ash’s attempt doesn’t take, because she’s struck by magic lightning, which infuses Sal’s soul into her. Now her arm is one of those stretchy sticky hands, but with bio luminescence and the ability to kick cultist ass. I actually thought this part was really cool, and was super ready to go on a cultist smacking spree. But again, we can’t have nice things and before we get to do anything badass we have to look at gruesome imagery again.

You get to see Void Larry, who is now old and a wizard or something, but first...

Surprise! Maple and Neil are dead! Not just dead, but hung up from hooks covered in blood! And naked!

Hey?? Hey Steve????? You know how they’re both POC?? And that lynching imagery is EXTREMELY NOT GOOD?!!????

“Two white people are hung up with them” YEAH? WELL WE’VE NEVER SEEN THOSE CHARACTERS BEFORE. THEY’RE JUST RANDOM PEOPLE.

I’ve seen people arguing “The white characters go through terrible things too” but it’s still really fucked up that by the end of the game, every. Single. Person of color. In the game. Has died. Gruesomely. It’s a gorey, dark, bleak game, and white characters die as well, gruesomely; but not all of them. None of them that are named are shown strung up, naked. That’s fucked up. That isn’t okay.

There are also a total of three gay characters in this game. One is Todd, who goes through the standard “bad bad stuff” the game is used to, is the white one, and he survives. One is Neil, one of the aforementioned people of color who died horribly and who only really existed to be Todd’s boyfriend and therefore a source of angst for Todd when he dies. The third is Travis, another man of color, and an abuse victim, who dies to fulfill his character arc as an abuse victim, which is also really shitty to see over and over again as an abuse survivor.

Look, I know Steve pulled a lot of inspiration from old TV shows and horror series that probably weren’t all “politically correct”. I know it’s always been kind of an edgy and dark game. I know Steve probably didn’t think about the repercussions of all his narrative choices. But I also know he actively ignored some people offering to educate him on issues he has no experience with. I know he worked hard on this game, by himself, but we as fans have paid him and waited for years and it isn’t selfish or ungrateful to be hurt and disappointed. He knows his audience is diverse, he knows a lot of us were attracted to the game because of a gender nonconforming main character, a main character who struggles with mental illness, a cast that isn’t 100% white and conventionally attractive. Of course he didn’t need to change the plot for us! It’s his game, his vision, but the least he could have done is research how to not actively hurt and alienate a good portion of us. I don’t think anyone is bad or racist for still finding solace in the characters and in what the story was before this, I’m not attacking you personally, whoever is reading this. I, personally, still have loads of Sally Face art in my queue, I still have active role plays going on, my Sal wig is sitting like 8 feet away waiting for the next time my friends want to take cosplay pictures. I still enjoyed playing the game for the most part. Without this game I wouldn’t even know most of my current friends. It’s just really shitty how it ended like this, and a lot of people I talk to daily either feel too sick to even talk about the game anymore after seeing people like them treated like trash by the narrative or try to focus on the good things they got out of just being part of the fandom but don’t feel comfortable supporting the developer anymore.

Even if there wasn’t all these hurtful tropes packed into the game, and yes, even after unlocking the epilogue, the game just feels cold. It feels rushed, probably because of how much time went into the alternate dimension gimmick. I wish Steve had at least consulted people over the script. It felt like not only did he pour all his work into experimenting with the mixed media, he also just took whatever expectations the fans had and went somewhere completely different just to have his story be “unpredictable”. That isn’t always a good thing. Plot twists, downer endings, dark and scary imagery, all of these things can be done beautifully, but in this case it felt like he just wanted the series to end. The game didn’t subvert expectations, it fed into the harmful stereotypes and tropes all the fans were so hopeful it wouldn’t.

...On top of not making any sense unless you’re able to 100% all the puzzles. And even when you do, it feels like all the bad stuff happened for no reason. The ending doesn’t conclude anything. Even when you unlock the epilogue, all it tells you is that a third of the world has died and that the main cast haven’t accomplished much besides “Trying to help”. Sal and Todd have powers now, but that isn’t elaborated on much. Larry’s spirit is missing, if he even exists in any plane at all anymore. It doesn’t even mention what’s going on with Ash. It just feels like nothing mattered.

#sally face #long post #analysis #sally face spoilers #chapter 5 spoilers

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sikereviewdotcom · 4 years

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strawberry shortcake s2 ep1 - horse of a different color

this one was suggested by someone who couldnt keep their mouth shut and not sing the strawberry shortcake intro theme in the middle of our economy class

no one wanted to hear that, but they went ahead and then i actually followed up on that train of thoughts i remembered about the fucking cartoons and i knew it pronto: its a must-see shit its like slightly above the level of magical school bus series, but the final rating is for the fin not the beginning so lets begin this horseshit:

were reviewing “horse of a different color”, it focuses indeed on strawberrys horse, honey pie pony (its her entire damn name, how sweet right? like all of them, i got diabete from this review but its the cost of maintaining this blog anyway, the kids are playing together on a that tree having fun jumping around like chimpanzees hooba hooba but sadly our filly quickly realizes she cant play king kong with them and keep falling on her ass,

yet since theyre all retarded or young (id say its a fifty-fifty case for them kinda normal ig, i mean they ARE literal 6yo) they try several ways of getting her up on that tree, not thinking how to get her down if they ever were to succeed (good for them: aint happening) its child labor too btw, from an horse still same deal what if honey pie fell down on them? crushing them corpses with her mighty pounds? the findus company would be delighted to hear such news, im sure its some quality (sweet ass) horse meat

once it all fails she understands a horse isnt meant to climb a tree, too big too fat its four legged, not even entertaining the relationship giraffes have with trees

but it aint over, then (after a talk with herself) hp hears the laughters of a bunch of kids which catches her attention, it always does who can ignore that sorta noise? although she aint annoyed by it shes just into the idea of riding a bike now, shes even gonna get a go at it oh yea thats it we finally found her human hobby gogdamn shes a backward furry

of course it fails aswell since she has no hand for the handle and shes heavy so i guess its the reason why she rides into w/e and cant stop? because otherwise she couldve also just.. actually it makes no sense does it? i mean she couldve easily stopped the ride actually how is that kid bike even holding her? ive never tried putting a pony on a bike for 6 y/o but i doubt about its capacity in not being crushed aswell as i doubt in the kids bones not being severely damaged after a visit under honey pies horsy buttcheeks

but all of that really makes her sad: she cant play with her human friends and shes the only horse around strawberry land or whatever see me tearing it for her, theres so much emotions in this episode especially after that filly trynna get kids to get into some horseplay horseshit like dude theyre only 6, lets go easy on them, might have a problem with the parents of the kids watching this episode no one even thought how fucked up this one part is? sure horseplay isnt only sexual or w/e but it still is the visual of 6yos on all four jumping around and neighing together with their ass a little bit too exposed wow im going on a dangerous road here? aint i? not gonna sue the writers im sure it was their subconscious speaking probably got issues from their childhood, eventually got them sorted out since 2004 what do i know? aside from me not caring

back on track : after seeing horsey being so sad the kiddos decide to get her a horse friend but where the fuck? they got no idea, they are proud nonetheless and go tell honey the good new until they are like “wait but we have no idea where to find horses!” ofc we get a big reveal, some serious strawberry shortcake lore: actually all the horses, ALL OF THEM FROM THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET are on one (1) single island: ice cream themed to diversify it all they are just chilling over there in ponyland and for some reason this one here got lost or idk guys she took the boat and checked the rest of the world out as an even younger filly, found strawberry and her friends and decided now she was a centaur slash humanrry furry human, idk you get it but shes their friend and so on to introduce the concept of an AWESOME island full of equestrian activity and ofc ice cream but its kinda lame because who cares? everythings already made out of food, also why isnt the ice cream melting? its one water? nevermind for the introduction as i was saying, hp sings an horrendous sounding song it deteriorated my ear drums they got pierced or something or maybe im exagerrating? either case horses cant sing:

so to the ice cream land they go, huh

of course it wouldnt be a big adventure without an almost broken bridge oh no whatever shall we do? could we possibly cross it safely? lets try it out guys: yay it worked good for us little stress and suspense it was wack how they got honey pie out of the hole her big ass hoove made im mesmerized by the power of friendship and sugar at this point, just in full awe for the rest of the episode probably over dosed on all the ice cream flavoured horseshit, i got some all over my mouth its dripping on my desk i gotta clean that later

next thing we know: horses its all this episode is about (aside from labor) but you see, so far hp would switch between normal human language and neighing well turns out her other fellow equines can only neigh and so they just neigh together while our english well-spoken mammal translates to the moronic kids who just smile smuggly

of course the animals are having a welcome party then, dancing around while the morons are just bored, harsh one being a cartoon character isnt it guys? w/e theyre gonna ask for honey pie to come back home now, convinced that her natural habit isnt her place and she loves them too much to just leave them and never come back and break any plans they ever had together- oh shit looks like shes leaving forever huh? what a plot twist mark that on the bitch quota for today

the first one to leave is the little boy btw, important thing to note: hes the biggest pussy he cant even face reality: oh no, no more pony back time before sleep thats quite a bummer, downer and man how are they going to survive now they got no animal to watch over them? jesus theyre soon, on the boat (idk where they got it from idk why suddenly theyre on a boat because then theyre once again gonna cross that bridge but ok) anyway yea theyre having a relationship crisis during that ship trip yada yada ah and the bridge, because (see i do not call them morons for now reasons obviously they deserve this title not only because theyre 6 but also because they are just daft:) they proceed, once in the middle of the bridge all 4 of them, to stop and wonder

“will the bridge be able to hold all of us? wont it break? damn i wonder if it will crack” and they talks without moving until vlam: a tree comes and breaks it (dont ask) so now theyre in trouble:

back to ponyland: bitch pie realizes how much she misses her actual friends and that she can speak english which her other horse friends cant do so she is special and probably abnormal, shes a big outcat of the pony society and has no other reason but to escape her incoming death sentence for fraternizing with the humans of course none of the second part is true, she just wants to see the kids again so she says asta la vista baby to the neigher team and runs away see, she hasnt taken the boat and yet also arrive to the bridge? why a boat sequence then? i will skip this for now but it WILL play in the rating, imagine im the parent of the youngster watching this crap and i have to endure it

if it sucks this bad and is this illogical i might just get bored and change the channel, idc my progeny aint gonna be watching this in either case, ill make them watch political debates then interrogate them on what they learned after what but it wasnt actual political debates just random furry youtuber venting with their fursona sprites animated and thats how you make your kids retarded, the kick of this joke is that i aint planning on getting any kids but totally gonna make them watch classics too such as the attack of the killer donuts as soon as they reach 6 so they wont be dumb and probably not getting diabete or w/e in their adulthood

then honey pie saves the kids btw all of them, heavy shit

and they all go back to strawberryland, happily after a big “wow i missed you sm, you are my real friends w/e if you dont look like me i aint speciest guys really!” theyre all vegan too btw so this works for them i havent watched enough strawberry shortcake episodes to know if they ever eat meat but i have doubts seeing how theyre into a very cannibalistic diet which include eating dessert when obviously thats what they are at least half part, this cartoon raises a lot of political questions it may have a deeper value than i first attributed to it

the end: another terrible song plays about horseshit and how tasty it is

thats all folks

so the rating: big 6/10, so you know 5/10 if its a decent kid show where im highly eager to click on the x and get back making jams but nah

surprisingly enough, i only wanted to stop watching half of the episode and not the entirity of it so credits for thats since im an adult and not a kid, imagining kids enjoyed this sweet childish cartooness or w/e now why +1? its because of how many political questions it raised, how it made me think about our society and cakes yknow its more than kids having a conflict with an horse it talks about veganism, specism, handicap, cannibalism, the management of the limited ressources were exploiting and so on yea really makes you think, its subliminal messages to make kids smarter: they watch their dessert-imbecile counterparts doing bs and then get it right irl: good ah- it also makes it better for you when youre watching this with your kid, you suddenly transcend to another level of spirituality, existential crisis activated or at least reasoning mode or w/e youre willing to name this the point is you arent bored still despite all of this i rated it quite low for such a serious kid cartoon what couldve possibly made me tic? 1) kids are morons and cant understand all of this, not clear enough for the targeted public 2) projection onto the characters/dialogues from the writers of their childhood traumas (the horse play event didnt go unnoticed, karren brown) 3) my little pony ripoff 4) its controversial, our society, especially in 2004 couldnt understand the depth of this shit and finally 5) i got so much ice cream flavoured horseshit all over my desk god help me this is so filthy what a fucking mess i would totally recommand it to anyone who feels like being blown away by the statements made in this work of art 6/10 but really we all know in the future, itll be a 9/10, some ahead-of-its-time-crap

tg, out

#strawberry shortcake #cartoon review #cartoons #sike reviews #child labor #pony labor #art #classic #diabete fuel #reviews

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captaintrio · 5 years

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I was reading a quote that I’m fairly certain was by Tony from Endgame and something in my brain kind of shifted. Not in the “wow I can totally see the vision now y’all I was Wrong before” kind of way, but like...I think I can finally set aside some of my overtly emotional bitterness about the creative decisions in the ensemble films leading up to and including Endgame, and pinpoint why for me, Marvel has sort of lost their way in terms of the point of telling Superhero stories.

I want to preface this by stating that I deeply dislike 99% of the creative choices Joss Whedon made in terms of writing, characterization, essentially...everything...save for one minor point, and it’s proving to be Achilles’ Heel of the franchise.

In 2012 Avengers and Age of Ultron, the bare bones of the stories were this: terrible, world-ending event is happening, in the form of first killer aliens from outer space, then killer robots out to punish humanity for their (or I mean specifically Tony’s) sins. Avengers get their asses kicked for a while, fight amongst themselves, look beaten or w/e, and then BANG, find the way through perseverance, human ingenuity and plain old luck, to stave off the bad guys at the last second and Save the Day.

Sure, there were other poorly-plotted, poorly-written, deep-rooted flaws in the other two films, but that’s what the were at their core...your basic Superhero story. The bad guys lose, the good guys win, there’s a bit of spectacle, and then everyone can go off to flesh-out their own personal character stories in individual films.

Flash forward to Captain America: Civil War. Technically this is not an Ensemble Film ala Avengers films, but it’s...everyone is there, and its the fate of the team and the world in the balance. It’s an Avenger’s film. Again, we’re going to set aside the more complicated and flawed portions of the movie, and just look at the bare-bones core of it. World is in danger from a difficult-to-identify source. Good guys who were all on the same page last time we checked are Not! now, there is infighting, but that’s okay, they resolve their differences in order to face the threat with a united fron--

Except they don’t, do they? Civil War is the beginning of the end of that trend, the first fracture in a mould that has been set to be broken. The Good Guys don’t resolve things, they keep in-fighting, they tear each other apart, people get hurt emotionally, physically, and while the world-ending threat is eventually averted by T’Challa, there is no resolution that sets things to rights so that we can move forward in any meaningful way from there.

Infinity War was a continuation of this trend but...worse, because it started in on the unnecessary deaths. Not just from the snap, but the killings in the beginning, of Loki, of Heimdall and most of the remaining Asgardians, and it was the textual affirmation of the subtext of Civil War: shocking things happen, death is inevitable, the Good Guys Don’t Always Win, and redemption does not always guarantee your safety. It was also the beginning of the concept of shock and plot twists being of more importance than continuity and integrity, both in plot and characterization. It was the beginning of the Russos picking up one of Joss Whedon’s more unpleasant directoral traits as well: the desire to rescind the character progression of the individual films, in order to suit the meta-narrative of the Ensemble films. It wasn’t a great look in Ultron and it did not leave a good feel in the mouth after Infinity War.

That was a crossroads, however, because there was a chance with Endgame to undo more than just Thanos’ misplaced faith in Malthusian economics. It could have been the long, long payoff to an extended play on “world-ending event knocks the heroes on their asses for a while but then but tHEN! They come back and WIN!” To play out the 9th Doctor’s “Just this once, everybody lives!” quote in response to the cataclysmic inevitability of Thanos’ death wish would have been poignant and powerful in a way that the franchise had been missing for, legitimately, years. But that’s not how things go down.

Instead what we got, at the end of this very long game if you’ll forgive my choice of words, was more darkness, more grit, more of the same, after a tease at something brighter: the good guys infight, but then they stop, and come together to defeat a common foe, the day is saved and everyone lives!! Except for Tony, who is inexplicably convinced by Pepper--who has spent more than a decade trying to talk him out of these missions BEFORE they had a child together--and Steve--who knows the value of getting out of the game and being able to have a family--to leave the peace he’s finally managed to find for himself and ultimately die for the death he’s been working so hard to overcome and escape all this time. Except for Natasha, who has been a different crutch in every movie she’s been in, who died at the hands of the one consistent friend she has had all this time, for specific continuation and enhancement of his pain.

Now, I can hear what folks are likely saying, and I can hear that Endgame Tony quote and the Russos and whatnot saying: but hey, that’s what life is like! People die, things don’t always have a happy ending, awful things happen to bad people, there’s not always a script!

And you’re right. They’re right too. Sometimes life is like that. In fact, its frequently like that, every day, all over the world. People die needlessly and unexpectedly all the time, things are gritty and unscripted and desperate and terrible...out in the real world. That’s life. If I wanted a story where good people die needlessly and things go badly despite the best efforts of people working to make things better, with unpleasant twists that are either expected or unexpected depending on the perspective...I could turn on the news. There’s a mass shooting every other day, people are starving on the streets in economically prosperous countries all over the world, it's pretty gritty and grimdark and realistic! Because it’s real!

That’s not actually what Superhero movies are supposed to be. One would have thought a half-glance at any attempt by DC to make a Superhero movie would have been instructive enough on that topic, but apparently not. I live in a world drowning in horror and desperation already, I do not have any desire to put down money to go see a Superhero movie that mirrors the same narrative I walked into the theater to avoid.

I guess that’s what this long-ass post is trying to say. The obsession with keeping the plot Realistic and Unexpected, keeping actors in the dark, and searching every nook and cranny for a new way to sucker punch the audience isn’t novel, it’s not creative, it’s lazy and boring and reflects a fundamental lack of understanding of the type of stories people need when they find themselves reaching for superheroes.

tl;dr forreal now: Stripping away hope from a story might make it more realistic, but it doesn’t make it fucking interesting.

#text post #Marvel #Avengers #nobody asked for my thoughts but here they are anyway #mostly just for me to get some resolution in my own mind about the end of a decade of my life lmao

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jrobert1698-blog · 4 years

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The Mandalorian Season One Review

The Mandalorian is a Disney+ original television show starring Pedro Pascal and created by Jon Favreau. In addition to featuring a supporting cast of Gina Carano, Carl Weathers, and Giancarlo Esposito, the show also created a legend of our time: Baby Yoda. Logging just eight episodes in its debut season, the show follows a conflicted bounty hunter as he attempts to honor the creed of his people, the customs of his profession, and his heart’s desire. If you haven’t seen the show yet, I highly suggest you check it out. Some spoilers lie ahead if you wish to turn back now; otherwise, “this is the way.”

I’ll be honest: I’m a really big Star Wars fan. I should qualify that by saying I haven’t consumed every bit of the Star Wars canon, and I’m not extremely familiar with the Expanded Universe. I know this qualifies me as scum; force choke me if you must. Nonetheless, it is one of my favorite franchises dating all the way back to my early childhood. This makes it somewhat difficult to review anything Star Wars related because I’m always subconsciously rooting for it to be good. I allowed this to get the better of me with The Last Jedi, and I defended that film for far too long. In short, I tried to approach The Mandalorian with an open mind but without letting my inner fanboy take over my sensibilities. I’d like to believe that this review is as neutral as possible but if I do sound overexcited please forgive me.

Before I get into The Mandalorian in detail I want to take a brief step back to 2015. Before The Force Awakens cam out, everybody was excited to see Star Wars again. Despite box office success, some people dismissed Episode VII as too derivative of A New Hope. Others were just happy to have new characters, a diverse cast, and a competent director in J.J. Abrams. I will go to the grave believing that the single biggest mistake Disney made since purchasing Star Wars was hiring Rian Johnson to direct The Last Jedi. While he is clearly capable of creating a great film in his own right, his vision clashed significantly with Abrams’ and the end result was a very divisive movie that split up the Star Wars fan base. It made at least half the fandom bitter and jaded towards anything Star Wars that Disney produced. People desperately needed something to unify them and make them remember why they love Star Wars again. I’m happy to report that season one of The Mandalorian is exactly what the fans, and Disney, needed.

I feel as though its only proper to begin a review of The Mandalorian by discussing Din Djarin himself as portrayed by Pedro Pascal. I liked him in Game of Thrones and I like him even more here. Some people might assume that having a mask cover your entire face makes acting easier. To some extent this is true. Not having to express emotions with one’s eyes and mouth alleviates some of the burden. However, its also a unique acting challenge to make people get invested in a character whose face they can’t see. The fact that so many love this character is a testament to good screenwriting and Pascal’s acting ability. The audience actually roots for Mando to keep his mask on because the writers made it a crucial part of his identity. Additionally, Pascal has to express emotion through the intonation of his voice, the speed at which he turns his helmet, and his deliberate pace when he walks. This is far more difficult than people realize, and Pascal deserves a lot of credit for making this season the success that it was.

The character of the Mandalorian also stands out to me because in many ways he exemplifies the qualities of a good action hero. Again, good screenwriting. He comes off as a believable bad ass from the minute he slices a guy in half with a door in Episode 1. However, unlike other Star Wars protagonists of late, he never feels overpowered either. Audiences need to feel like their hero is in danger of getting hurt or dying in order for excitement to register. There are many moments in this season where Mando gets his ass kicked. He gets electrocuted by Jawas, gored by a Mudhorn, pinned down by Bounty Hunters and almost blown up several times. However, like any good action hero, he always manages to bounce back and lives to fight another day. This is why audiences truly respect this character who, at the end of the day, is just a human being like all of us.

Another great, and perhaps underrated, aspect of this show is the amazing score by Ludwig Goransson. I really liked his work on Black Panther as well and I’m looking forward to any future projects he works on. This is the first time I can remember that anyone other than John Williams has made an original and memorable Star Wars score. The main title is freakin’ awesome. It’s the perfect blend of tribal mysticism and the military marches we’ve come to know and love. Fortunately, this space opera comes with some great overtures to highlight it.

Before I sound like a total fanboy, let’s talk about a few issues I have with the show. There are certainly issues you can nitpick from a canon perspective but that isn’t my main concern. My biggest complaint would be the sometimes haphazard nature of the show. Episode 5 in particular felt like a sizable departure from the main story. Episode 6, while more entertaining, similarly broke from the overarching narrative to give us a little bit of Mando’s backstory. I don’t necessarily have a problem with this video game mission approach to the show, but I do hope that some of these side quests get paid off more significantly in future episodes. I also would have liked a more consistent emphasis on the supporting cast members like Carano’s Cara Dune and Weathers’ Greef Carga. Even Kuill could have used more screen time if for no other purpose than to make us more attached to him before his untimely death.

My complaints, in the long run, are relatively minor. Compared to my overall respect and enjoyment of this show, they pale in comparison. One major reason why is that Disney spared no expense in making this show the best it could possibly be. The visual effects, where I feared they might skimp, were better than a lot of feature films. The show felt cinematic, like Game of Thrones did at its best. The cinematography was mostly great as well. I particularly liked Taika Waititi’s direction in the season finale. That shot of Mando finally using a jetpack to latch onto Moff Gideon’s TIE Fighter deserves to be on a poster. I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the closing shot of Gideon holding the fucking Darksaber. I can’t wait to see Giancarlo Esposito in an expanded role in Season 2 and hopefully beyond. If he can play half the villain he did in Breaking Bad it will be a success.

And, of course, I had to save the single best part of this show, by far, for last. Baby. Fucking. Yoda. This is one of the most well-concealed plot twists in recent memory. Disney, somehow, did a fantastic job of keeping Baby Yoda out of marketing materials and trailers in the pre-release process. When I first saw that adorable green face for the first time I somehow screamed, laughed and cried out in excitement at once. This character is great for so many reasons besides obviously being the cutest thing to come out of 2019. The Child makes Mando extremely conflicted and puts him in the most difficult quandary of his life: honor his code as a Bounty Hunter or follow his instincts and protect this child in need? Baby Yoda also kicks a lot of ass for a one-foot-tall fifty year old. His obviously strong connection to the force presents a myriad of options for his future: will he train as a Jedi, be a powerful vigilante, or turn to the dark side? I’m kidding, but I’m also serious; he did force choke Cara Dune after all. And he’s grown up among a series of explosions, laser beams, and punchy storm troopers. That’s a pretty traumatic childhood. Clearly, Baby Yoda has turned into a phenomenon and sparked an infinite number of memes, songs, and art. I think it’s well deserved and I can’t wait to see more adventures in baby sitting with our little green friend.

My thoughts on The Mandalorian can be expressed very simply: it’s fucking awesome. There is a whole lot to like about where this story is going and what Favreau and the slew of directors have done so far. They’ve managed to inject genuine excitement into the fan base for what feels like the first time in a very, very long time. Additionally, Disney needed to knock one out of the park in order to salvage their reputation and preserve fan interest in one of their most valuable franchises. Despite a few minor missteps, season one of The Mandalorian is a fantastic and I eagerly anticipate season two whenever it comes out. If you haven’t seen it yet, go check it out. Baby Yoda alone makes it worth it. I have spoken.

Rating: 9/10

#the mandalorian #baby yoda #star wars #tv #disney

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tumblunni · 5 years

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Why is gyan amakano so cute. It should be illegal. I hate how he has such a huggable design and then his character is totally wasted on being half super evil jerkman half Every Fat Stereotype Simultaneously. Like seriously how did this even HAPPEN

Artist: ok so ive drawn this round softman in a cute lil fancy tuxedo who always carries lollipops in his back pocket

Writers: ah yes, the perfect Irredeemable Murder Cannibal Man

Or like..

Writers: we need an Irredeemable Murder Cannibal Man

Artist: dont worry bro i got ya *draws a big circle with a happy face*

Or of course theres the alternative universe where nobody involved in this project ever noticed that this character design looks fuckin precious, but i dont want to live in that world

And then he's only in!! Two episodes!! And theyre so weird and not great!! Its like they kept changing their mind whether he was meant to be funny or scary. Goes from "ha ha a fat man enjoys cookies" to "he literally wants to make cannibal cookies out of humans" to "but ha ha look he's cosplaying as the genie from aladdin, lets go back to laughs now".

And also they made him be a huge jerk to Are Bacchino and that pisses me off!! Its already a bit shitty that they made a character whose entire "joke" is that he has ocd/germaphobia and its meant to be funny? Somehow? That he has this mental illness? And is frequently exposed to stuff that terrifies him?? Funny how???? But then theres a really rather disturbing montage of Gyan punishing his sidekick by straight up triggering his phobia and YIKES MAN sorry thats even more evil than the cannibalism! Also why was it drawn all overly detailed and Saw-esque?? Why did we need so much art effort put into showing dirty feet and a guy being forced to stick his hand in a shit filled toilet. Was this someone's goddamn fetish or something???

So yeah. Upset.

U P S E T T I. R E G R E T T I.

I'm so mad they wasted a cool character deisgn and cool concept on such a shitty execution. Like even the plot could have been cool? They could have got a lot more episodes out of the idea of these two runnibg thru fairytale books and cosplaying as different classic villains. And if theyd just made a damn decision and gone with either funny cute or scary bad then it could have worked! Personally i am voting for funnycute obv course. But also thatd work best with this plot, it would have been better if it was just a low stakes goofy adventure with something like "oh this dude wants to find the legendary magic wish thingie to wish for a lifetime supply of chocolate and our heroes wanna wish for something actually important so thats why they fight". Could have even added some drama cos like he doesnt know the thing is actually dangerous and then what if he ends up possessed by it and you still get a fight with him thats pretty high stakes without having this weird inconsistant personality thing. Could be quite a dramatic twist to suddenly have comedy villain man as a genuine threat! Ans could be a way to resolve it all with friendship cos you could have Are Bacchino teaming up with the heroes to save his boss and then Gyan is like "whoa i guess you guys were 100% right all along" when he gets saved from his own bigass mistake and all. And then THE GAMES COULD ACTUALLY MAKE HIM PLAYABLE PERHAPS, JUST SAYIN

Also PLEASE rewrite like every single thing about the relationship between the two of them. Please take whoever said "yeah gyan should outright torture his one and only friend with a messed up Saw movie ocd-triggering machine" and throw them out the window. Consider this: what if..they were actually...friend. Like i feel they'd have enough comedy potential already just from being a "rival mafia" thats literally two people who are ludocrously incompetant at everything they do and only ever succeed at (literally) stealing candy from babies. Play up that side of things more! No need to throw random super evil shit at the funnymen to make them seem more intimidating, theyre at their best when theyre not intimidating at all. And you could still have the same gag of the fairytale world forms always being Gyan as some sort of classic villain and Are as a talking carpet or whatever, like just say thats how the magic works instead of Gyan doing it on purpose to be a jerk. And you could even still have Are being the funny underdog just from sheer bad luck instead of being purpisely mistreated by every single character in the entire cast. Or have it that Gyan is just a bit of a bumbling idiot boss who doesnt notice his mistakes and Are is like the hypercompetant sidekick who always ends up taking the consequences of those mistakes because he's like an overportective bodyguard. Which could also be a way to establish some cute friendship moments! Like i dunno someone's about to throw a pie at Gyan and Are does an overdramatic diving save and a whole fake death scene from the sheer horror of getting banana cream frosting on his suit. "Boss...go on without me..." *cough choke* And Gyan is like *equally overdramatic tears* "He made the ultimate sacrifice! I will avenge him!!" *charges forward to fight the heroes and just gets easily beat up like usual* And then its like *even more continually dramatic narration* "and the boss was beaten and bruised, but he carried me for miles through wind and storm" *over footage of like ridiculously impossible heroic adventures thay clearly didnt happen* And then it just cuts to the two of them sitting at like...ye olde fantasy laundromat. Are sobbing like "oh boss i'll never forget this" and Gyan is just like *thought bubble* "i wish i got to eat that pie tho"

I dunno maybe im naive but i just think shows are generally more fun when characters actually like each other and have motivations beyond self interest. Obvipusly not EVERY character has to be like that, but nobody is ever kind at all in the damn anime whether theyre villain or hero. And also specifically these sorts of minor role villains can benefit a lot from being fleshed out this way to become way more memorable! Like gin and kin became way better in Psychic Specters when they got the added trait of loving and cherishing their little brother. (To the point of it being a literal battle power that made their horribly hard boss fight even worse, lol!)

Also just...plz dont make a man so cute if hes meant to be big badness. Like seriously Are looks scarier than him and Are is like the least scary man to ever have those scary ass eyes! Smol depressed man with ocd and tol round lollipops friendo. I WANT TO LOVE THEM

Im gonna just cross my arms and sit here stubbornly hoping for The Anime/Game Effect to kick in. Like 99% of all characters in the anime are jerks and even when anime originals end up cameoing in the games they tend to become generally nicer and more well developed as people. So fingers crossed for a yw4 appearance thats full cute and 0% cannibalism!!!

Seriously fuckin.. CANNIBALISM

Why does the anime do that so much as a "funny" "joke"? The episode where Jerry murders a sentient dessert yokai in graphic gory detail still haunts me. "Ha ha its funny because technically theres no blood so we can show her gasping for breath with a hole in her lungs as a man eats her corpse" Did they put the entire budget into that one death animation??? Oh no cos they saved at least a little of it for the Herbiboy Gets Murdered By A Lawnmower episode T_T

Anime why u be this way.

#gyan amakano #i wonder what dub name theyd give these guys if they made it into yw4 tho?#apparantly are bacchino is a pun on al pacchino + germaphobia #but i dont know if theres any pun behind gyan's name #i can only speculate that it might have been based on the real name gianno

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aq2003 · 5 years

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FULL ENDGAME REVIEW

6.5/10 was ok but could’ve been a lot better in my opinion and by a lot better i mean

tony should’ve lived

-the russos are war criminals for what they did to tony alone. he had a family to go back to, JUST like clint. but i guess self sacrifice is cool, right?

-ever since iron man 3, tony’s story has essentially a dark twist to the “great power great responsibility” trope: the hero internalizes the motivating phrase (“don’t waste your life”), and let it interfere with their ability to take care of themself/open up to others. it started strong in iron man 3, got undermined in aou, got slightly more prevalent in the context of civil war, FINALLY got foreshadowed in infinity war. his arc was ultimately about letting other people HELP him with the responsibility he feels like he needs to carry

-until endgame threw it under the bus again. in an objectively cool way, yeah, but it still got thrown under the bus and i’m mad

-so now tony stark’s story is ultimately a tragedy. and i fucking hate it, man. he had happiness (but not really, because peter’s not there) for 5 years and that got snatched away from him too! he underwent so much trauma since his goddamn origin story and he had a few moments of peace, sure, but he died before he could fully reunite with his loved ones. and it SUCKS.

-god this is . this is like. if obi-wan kenobi went through All That but got really close to luke before he died and also never got any closure with anakin as a force ghost

-the russos have said, like outright, that thanos was a symbol of what tony’s been fearing of since 2012, the being that symbolized the root of his anxiety and ptsd. so what does tony do to defeat it? uhhh idk he dies i guess. but it’s okay! he can finally rest now!

-really great message there for the kids, right?

-also there was a whole sequence about him talking to his dad about not abandoning his kid and being there for her. but now he CAN’T be there for morgan because tony stark is fucking gone and dead and i can’t fucking handle this he deserves so much better

-also also not to be a DudeBroGeek™ but he totally got nerfed during his fight scenes

thor shouldn’t have been played off as a joke

-my whole theater laughed at him being . fat. and i was SUPER SUPER SUPER uncomfy the entire time

-he has a PANIC ATTACK and people LAUGHED i mean way to treat more of your mentally ill characters like shit, russos! sure! just devaluate thor’s suffering by saying “oh he’s fat so it’s funny now! hehe!” FUCK you

-i mean, yikes, i can’t believe we went from iron man 3 (where mental illness is one of the major problems the protagonist clearly struggles with, where tony’s panic attacks are disturbingly real and in no way funny) to THIS SHIT

-don’t even get me STARTED on his arc. like from thor 1 to dark world it’s about putting aside his arrogance for the good of his people. for ragnarok it’s finally stepping up and finding his powers while taking up the responsibility as king. in infinity war i was able to turn a blind eye to it, but it’s so prevalent in endgame how little the russos care about thor’s journey in his movies

-in the end he passes off the responsibility he took up in ragnarok to val and just straight up fucked off to space. like what the hell, man?

-ALSO . loki said the sun would shine on them again but the sun DIDN’T fucking shine on them and i feel robbed. i feel like the russos broke into my home and stole something important.

-the brodinsons deserve better.

-how can taika even be there, like physically. i mean. the thor from his movie got entirely retconned

-also not to be a DudeBroGeek™ again but. but like tony he was so 100% nerfed especially during the fight against thanos HOW did thanos even touch stormbreaker aka the weapon made to kill him like what

-i hate to put this all on james gunn but he’s GOTTA fix the crimes committed in endgame against the guardians and thor

steve’s entire character arc shouldn’t have been undermined

-one of his defining character traits is that he won’t stand by and let bad things happen when he can prevent it

-if you could describe steve rogers THAT’S what you would say about him.

-it’s like tony being smart. or thor being powerful. steve is just Like That

-so why did he go back in time when two full movies were dedicated to him adapting to the future

-idk it doesn’t really make sense to me

-i don’t actually have much to say about steve, i’m not as attached to his character as tony and thor but it still rubs me the wrong way. maybe it makes more sense to steve stans but from what i’ve seen they’re PISSED even though out of the trio he got the most time to shine in battle lmao

also

-the time travel fuckery was. hmmm

-nat wasn’t there for the admittedly cheesy but still sort of nice girl-power shot

-wong did nothing until the final battle. like him surviving the snap did nothing to impact the story

-why was okoye even on the poster? she should’ve gotten a bigger role imo

-WHAT was dr strange even doing holding back the water

-my brother (who watched the movie with me) thought that the lgbt rep in the movie was “america’s ass” rather than the gay russo in steve’s support group, which just goes to show that the lgbt rep is SO small and the media should really stop hyping it up. not really salt towards the movie itself but it’s still salt

-fortnite

general saltiness out of the way, i’m going to list what i did like about the movie

-those posts going around about how knowing the spoilers take away from the movie are actually really, really wrong. i went in knowing more than half the plot including who lives and dies and i still found it entertaining, to say the least. the movie had a lot of effort put into making it and it really shows. if you ignore the parts you don’t like, you can actually kick back and have a relatively good time

-also the action was really, really good. throughout the entire movie. it’s an avengers film, so the action has to be good, but the fights were still super awesome and a lot were actually a cut above the rest of the mcu (especially the melee fights)

-the final battle was amazing. up until the end, i was on the edge of my seat, because even though it’s another “big final battle against an army of cgi monsters” i actually really really liked it. pretty much everything was perfect about it, and it was so fun to watch the theater go ham whenever a hero did something badass.

-the score. god, the score. alan silvestri did so good with calling back motifs from other solo mcu movies (something marvel should’ve been doing the entire time). ant man’s theme after scott pops out of the quantum realm, captain america’s march when tony hands the shield back to steve, the reprise of “even for you” from infinity war during clint and nat’s mission to vormir, captain marvel’s theme when she blows up thanos’ ship? beautiful

-the actors did a superb job with everything they were given (which probably wasn’t that much). since the russos were paranoid about spoilers apparently no one knew who they were talking to which sucked? because the marvel cast is pretty good at improv lines. but the actors still did a REALLY good job despite this (and really do carry the movie). i felt in my BONES tony’s frustration and anger at steve during the wheelchair scene, thor’s pain and self-loathing when he reunited with frigga, and peter’s DESPAIR when he watched tony die (i will never be okay ever)

-the callbacks to previous mcu movies were fanservice, yeah, but it was the GOOD kind of fanservice in that it was really really cool and served the fans. it’s a great way for the last movie in the infinity saga to end, by revisiting some of the iconic places it touched on before

-tony and nebula! they were only together for the first scene of the movie but the scene with paper football was really soft and nice

-the civil war conflict was glossed over save for that one scene of tony going the fuck off on steve and i couldn’t be more grateful

-MORGAN STARK. god if i had the capacity to cry i’d be sobbing through writing this entire post. morgan and her soft dad made my heart MELT into pieces i love them 3000

-they still deserved better though

-scott. like in general. he was one of the highlights of the movie. his reunion with cassie was :’)

-carol’s haircut

-by the way a lot of people complained about her makeup in her first scene with the avengers shown in the trailers but it literally wasn’t a problem for any other carol scene in the movie (because that was the only scene in the entire runtime where she was wearing noticeable lipstick/eyeshadow or whatever)

-professor hulk. i actually didn’t expect to like him, but he made a lot of actually funny jokes and i liked his personality contrast with 2012 hulk. also he made scott tacos! he’s really wholesome and i’m willing to ignore the part where he dabbed

-the mark 85 is one of my favorite iron man suits now, even though it didn’t get a lot of screentime

-speaking of which it’s REALLY great how most of the time when tony saves the day it’s because of his smarts. it brings back the main theme of the character: tony stark, the human, plays ball with gods, aliens, and monsters just by being quick witted.

-the entire sequence of tony, steve, and scott getting the scepter and the tesseract was PURE gold. (it’s my favorite part of the movie honestly)

-tony: ok scott to create a distraction i need you to put my past self into cardiac arrest. \ scott: uhh. uhh ok dude?? \ tony: my self loathing is this strong

-rhodey and nebula! they were an awesome teamup and i really really liked their friendship/dynamic

-PEPPER IN RESCUE ARMOR. WE DIDN’T GET ENOUGH OF THAT BUT IT WAS SO GOOD I LOVED IT HER ARMOR DESIGN WAS REAL GREAT

-tony reuniting with peter. i teared up. legit. i teared up.

-thanos: *headbutts carol* \ carol: *doesn’t even move an inch*

-wanda was so badass in her 10 second scene. i just thought it was really cool

-peter using instant kill mode

-tony using the gauntlet was badass. i hated it but it was SO amazing at the same time i wanted to cry and cheer at the same time so i ended up in a semi catatonic state for the rest of the day

-the little wreath with the first arc reactor, morgan craving cheeseburgers, tony’s last message.....;-;

-i love you 3000.....:((((((

-SAM GETTING TO BE CAP. (this was one of the best parts of the all-new all-different avengers comic) even though i still don’t like steve’s ending, i love that sam is going to take up the mantle (and i’m super excited to see the falcon winter soldier show now)

-the movie ended with the soundtrack of tony building the mark 1 solidifying that none of this would’ve happened without iron man. good thing endgame credits said that maybe tony stan lives do matter

-a rat is responsible for saving half the universe and i find that REALLY funny. my favorite theory is that the rat was loki the whole time and that doubles the hilarity

tldr: the movie had an ending that didn’t really fit the characters, but the rest of it was fun to watch: the action scenes were great, the interactions between the characters were mostly good, and it’s overall pretty entertaining as a film by itself. as a closing to the infinity saga it feels unsatisfying, but as a movie it’s enjoyable

#endgame spoilers #avengers endgame #read my post it's good and coherent #i say some bad stuff about the movie but i also list the stuff i liked. see im cool

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venus-says · 5 years

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Symphogear AXZ Episodes 01-04

One day, I’m sure we’ll know true strength.

Starting the engines for the final part of this marathon!

Like I said yesterday, I’m super excited about these next few days because from here on now everything will be new content to me, I didn’t check anything about AXZ since 2017, neither have seen anything about XV this year, so except for their posters I’m going totally blind on this and I’m loving every second of it, I feel like a child discovering new thing about the word. I can’t wait to see what this season has in store for me.

So without any further ado, let’s get going!

Croitzal ronzell Gungnir zizzl

So Episode 01 starts very interestingly. At first, I was pretty shocked with seeing the girls going on a military mission using their gears, it seemed very odd considering how reluctant Hibiki is about using her powers on other humans, but then it comes the twist and the military are somehow using alca-noises and that’s when shit goes down and this episode already won me over.

You see, Magical Girls who fight against the evil humankind do to ourselves is my perfect dream as a pitch for a show, yes I love my regular Mahou Shoujo stuff and I don’t see any problems on it but since “dark Mahou Shoujo” is a thing this is what I wanted to the most. And I got a little bit of that in here! And I’m very happy about it.

And even without this element, this is still a pretty badass fight with everything that it has going on for it. Like Hibiki stopping the shoot of a tank, and the way she completely destroyed another tank with her hands, how cool is that???? And Tsubasa’s sword getting gigantic and slashing that big ass air fortress in a single swing like if she was cutting butter? And Chris flying on top of the helicopter like a boss??? Even Maria, Kirika and Shirabe who didn’t do that much fight were pretty cool in here as well. I dare to say, this was the best initial fight we had since when G started this trend. Like c’ mon this one was just amazing.

I also like that they let the action play out smoothly first to just give us a roundabout of everything that was going on in a flashback afterward, it makes for a more dynamic episode imo. I like the concept of the Bavarian illuminatti, having a villain or a secret organization behind events from past seasons can be very good if it's worked properly, my only problem with is that I think it would be more interesting to see this in the final season and use this to tie in any plot point that may be loose from the past seasons, but I still like the concept and I’m open-minded to what they can do in this season.

And since we’re talking about the villains we get to see some of them this episode and for what was shown I think I like them? The only thing that makes me step back from having a final decision is that it seems that one of the girls is supposed to be trans, and it seems that she is the most sexualized from the group and I don’t know if that’s the best way to portrait the character...? Now I may be wrong, maybe she’s a biological woman, but I’m pretty sure her voice actor is a man and I don’t see why they would make this decision unless they were trying to make this very clear and... ugh. I just hope they’ll handle this in a proper way, I'm very doubtful, but if they manage to make her at least decent I’ll be happy with it.

Before moving to the next episode I have three questions: 1, how much time has passed from GX to AXZ?; 2, why is LiNKER still a problem? I thought the chip Ver gave to Maria was to fix this problem; and 3, is the Magical Girl Incident the name they gave for the events from last season or is this a whole new thing that happened in between? I hope we get some answers from here on now.

So before getting into episode 2 let’s give some appreciation to the new opening and ending. While I don’t really like the song the scenes playing in the opening are just amazing, even though we get some minor spoilers from there I still quite like it, my favorite moments are Hibiki, Shirabe and Maria in the training montage, they’re just too good. About the ending, while the pictures in there are nothing that special this probably my favorite ending so far.

Now to the episode itself. To starters let me leave my ode to Maria in this episode. Even though she herself hasn’t snagged any victory in this episode she still shone like no other. Her new song was great and she was amazing in her battles, especially in the second one, she was brilliant. And also that moment of her with Elfnein was just so adorable. Best girl.

The other battle of this episode was pretty interesting as well. I believe this is the first time we see a symphogear hurting a civilian and it’s quite shocking. I don’t necessarily know if shooting the boy’s leg was really the only way to save him but regardless of it is still a pretty interest conflict to develop. Now, I do think that making the boy the brother of someone who we’ve never seen before and that has a very complicated relationship with Chris was a bit too much, but I’m interested to see what comes out from it.

The backstory of the Illuminati is quite interesting as well, but they’ve shown that to us in the most boring way ever, and also I don’t like how Saint-Germain's (that’s her name right?) speech is so out of place in that situation. Like, you’re with two comrades that are on your side and probably already know the history, making her state that in that moment is just off. Just like that weird relic, which I have many questions about but I know they’ll explain it later (at least I hope so).

Episode 3 is probably the worst one of this batch. It does some nice things like giving more information about the Illuminati, I’m particularly curious about this new autoscorer and it’s weird resemblance to Hibiki, Maria and Tsubasa escape from the noise attack is also pretty good, and in the second fight, we get probably one of the cooler attacks we’ve seen so far. But that’s pretty much it and this isn’t enough to hold this episode against the bad things it has going on.

This episode starts very off and the ending of the fight that started on the last one was very anticlimactic. Then we have the big boss of this season saying to destroy the gears when this was something GX has already done. We get a boring part that was all just exposition about the gears. And the most boring part was all that technical talk about the subspace pocket that just made me confused as hell. Also, just episode 3 and we’re already over-dependant of the ignite module as it seems... I hope this doesn’t mean another mechanic that’ll make this one (THAT IS DANGEROUS ENOUGH ALREADY) obsolete and banalize another mortal thing.

I wish they’ve done more with Chris struggle more than just mention it and not really dig on it, maybe this would balance things out a little and make this episode less frustrating. Sadly that wasn’t the case so I’ll just move on before I fall asleep and don’t finish this post in time.

I’ve said 3 was the worst, but actually, thinking about it now, episode 4 is probably the worst.

How to begin this one?

For starters, what the hell was the writing team thinking when they just explicitly told that using condoms isn’t good????????? Like, I understand y’all are trying to make people fuck so the birth-rate can rise again BUT HAVE CONSCIOUS ABOUT THIS THING YOU DUMBASSES, CONDOMS DO MORE THAN JUST PREVENT CHILDREN YOU FUCKS. Gosh, I’m so mad at this I just wanna kick some people in the balls.

Then we have that Cagliostro fight THAT SERVES NO PURPOSE AT ALL. She basically just got kicked in the ass and neither sides got anything from it. It was such a waste of time, and they even managed to revert Chris to the “let everything to me, I can handle it” bullshit that pissed me off last season, I thought we were over this by this point.

And don’t you look at that, in the second fight the Ignite Module doesn’t work anymore, and suddenly the girls are way weaker than the enemies, and now Elfneim will have to spend time trying to make something THAT IS ABLE TO STAND AGAINST NUCLEAR FUSION instead of making LiNKER so the whole team can fight this treat together.

You know, I was excited about the Faust Robe thing, I liked Carol’s last season, why wouldn’t I like it now? WELL, I’M NOT GONNA LIKE THIS SHIT NOW BECAUSE THEY’RE USING IT AS SOMETHING SO OVERPOWERED THAT A FINAL BOSS COULD BE USING IN THE CLIMAX OF THE SEASON, IS LIKE TRYING TO BEAT THE POKÉMON LEAGUE WITH A MAGIKARP THAT ONLY KNOWS SPLASH. FOR GOD’S SAKE.

At least the guy gets naked when he’s practically making a small sun on his hand, I think I’d be even more upset if they didn’t, seeing how they don’t think twice before sexualizing any of the girls. So I guess that’s a positive.

The ex-FIS team also did pretty well this time, probably the only time I wasn’t scratching my head or upset at this one.

I kinda want to continue watching so that I won’t go to sleep with such a bitter taste in my mouth, but I’m sleep depraved and I need my bed more than anything right now so I’ll be going.

I wonder if I bite my hand I’ll get some sweetness from it since humans are kinda like the tomatoes from that old woman? 🤔

#Senki Zesshou Symphogear AXZ #Symphogear AXZ #symphogear

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blog-in-a-corner · 5 years

Text

Mystreet TES rewritten to fit the animated music video part 2

Hey what’s up gamers here’s the second part to my fic

Warning: i’m an idiot with the sense of humor of a banana

Aaron awoke to an unfamiliar room.

“This place…... it's….” Aaron muttered weakly.

“It's a shit hole” Aaron said.

And it was a shit hole.

“Oh you're finally fucking awake you sure took your sweet ass time” an unfamiliar woman said.

“Who the fuck are you supposed to be?” Aaron said.

“Your guardian angel uwu” the woman said.

“Oh so your like,my fairy godmother or some shit?” Aaron asked.

“What? No-where did you even get that from-ugh. Nevermind. Listen kid you gotta go back or else your gf is going to die” the woman said.

“Idk the rent back home is pretty damn high so I mean-” Aaron said.

“Bitch just go back to life if you don't want to get cucked by Zane” the woman said.

“Well shit Zane is the last person I would want to get cucked by. Fine I'll go” Aaron said.

“Alright then. My work here is done” the woman said.

“But you didn't do anything!” Aaron said

“Oh,didn't I?” the woman said.

“Yeah. You didn't” Aaron said.

“Oh. Well. See you in two seasons!” the woman said.

“WAIT WHAT AM I GOING TO DIE AGAIN-” Aaron said as the room began to fade.

Aaron….was coming back to….

“If he dies I take dibs on his car,it has seat warmers” said a voice so raspy it sounds like someone shoved sandpaper down their throat.

“I take dibs on his family inheritance!” said Emmalyn,or was it?

“No fair I wanted that!” said a voice that was trying too hard to be emo.

“Shut the fuck up you’re already rich” said the voice of a BTGGF(big tiddy goth gf).

“What the fuck is all of this about dibs?” Aaron said as he snapped wide awake.

“WHATTHEFUCK”

“HOLYSHIT”

“WHATINTHEFRESHHELL”

“FUCK”

Said the rest in unison.

“I-i'm alive!” Aaron said in shock.

“Dammit” Kim said.

“That's too bad” Lucinda said.

“How in the fuck did I wind up here? Last thing I remember is falling down a huge fucking cliff” Aaron said.

“Well after we found Zane he ran away because I was going to kick his ass but then he found your half dead corpse and Lucinda teleported us here and I accidentally dropped your head on one of the steps on the way up to your room” Garroth explained.

“Oh” Aaron said.

“Wait why the fuck is part of my shirt on my eyes?” Aaron asked.

“Your eyes looked cold so I put it on your eyes” Garroth said.

“How the fuck can someone's EYES look cold????” Aaron said.

“To be fair,you were half dead sooo” Lucinda said.

“Well I don't know about you guys but all of this fucking running and worrying and dying has gotten me hungry” Kim said,as she proceeded to tear off part of Garroth's hair and eat it like cotton candy. No one was bothered by this.

“Now that you bring it up I'm hungry too. I wonder if I still have any chicken nuggets left in my pocket” Aaron said rummaging through his pocket.

“I'm sorry you keep FUCKING CHICKEN NUGGETS IN YOUR PANTS POCKETS BECAUSE?” Zane yelled.

“And you don't???” Aaron said,as he pulled out of the picture of him and Aphmau from prom.

“Wait, Aphmau…..Ein…..Fuck! Aphmau I need to save her!” Aaron said as yote(past tense of “yeet”) from his bed.

“HEY MOTHERFUCKER WAIT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN SEE THE PHOTO THROUGH YOUR BANDANA?!” Garroth yelled.

“AND WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT APHMAU?!” Kim shouted.

“AARON YOU ASSHOLE I SPENT 30 MINUTES MAKING YOUR BED FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!” Zane screeched as he ran after Aaron.

“I'm not upset but you idiots need my help because plot conveniences!” Lucinda yelled after them. She breasted boobily to the stairs,and titted downwards.

“Anyway I'm off to raid Aaron's luggage and designate his entire will to myself”

“But what about Zane and the gas money-”

“FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THAT LITTLE SHIT BRING A NINE IRON KIM” Garroth cut Kim mid sentence as they both ran out of the shit hole of a lodge they were in.

“Sweet,free entertainment.” Kim said as they ran.

We snap back to Aaron running in the forest, like a car commercial. Fierce. Sexy. Powerful. Free. After what felt like hours(actually just 30 minutes) Aaron found Ein and Aphmau.

“Aphmau! Ein!” Aaron yelled.

“Aaron!” Ein yelled.

“EIN!” Aaron yelled.

“AARON!” Ein yelled.

“Aphmau! :^]” Aphmau said.

“........”

“Okay Aphmau you just ruined the fucking mood just kill him” Ein said.

“Hmph. Fine” Aphmau pouted.

Aphmau raised her knife and lunged at Aaron.

“It's time…...fOR MY EXTRA ULTRA SUPER SPECIAL DOUBLE TWIRL ANIME JUMP STAB!” Aphmau yelled,as she attempted to extra ultra super special double twirl anime jump stab Aaron.

Aaron grabs her wrist and accidentally twists it and shatters all of the bones in her arm.

“Oops sorry fuck” Aaron said.

Aaron noticed something off about bae.

“your eye……” Aaron muttered.

“Wait when the FUCK did she get bruised!?” Ein said.

Read the contract babe.

“Oh. Fuck” Ein said.

“EIN!” Aaron yelled as he ran as fast as a Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird at top speed towards Ein.

“sHIT!” Ein screamed.

Aaron yeeted his entire body at Ein but Ein did a super Mario jump over Aaron but then Aaron used the entire force of his whole body to punch Ein into oblivion but Ein recovered and punched Aaron but broke his wrists in the process because he doesn't know how to punch then Aaron head butted Ein but he did it wrong so he hurt himself too and then Ein threw him into a tree and almost punched him again but in that moment Aaron unlocked ultra instinct and pushed him against a tree and de-evilized turned Ein into a human.

“NO NO NO NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS!” Ein screamed.

“Well my edgy anime backstory and murder eyes say I CAN” Aaron said as he left the forest.

“fUCK YOU SASUKE” Ein shouted after Aaron.

Aaron had completely left now.

“Fucking weeaboo”

“Well uh,I guess I'll go now? I was sort of expecting to die but I guess not. Plot convenience, you know how it is” Ein said as he walked away and into a Chick-fil-A.

“We've been running forever! Are we ever going to find Aaron?!” Kim said.

“Man I don't fucking know just keep running!” Lucinda said.

Finally,they had come across none other than Aphmau. Who else would it be, Brendan?

“Oh Aphmau! Why…...are you cosplaying Jasmine from Aladdin?” Zane asked.

“I AM NOT COSPLAYING JASMINE FROM ALADDIN ASSHOLE” Aphmau said in frustration.

“You and Aaron are into some weird fucking shit Aphmau” Garroth said in disgust.

“Grrrrr DIE!!!” Aphmau yelled as she attempted to extra ultra super special double twirl anime jump stab Garroth.

“Sweet! Another knife!” Garroth said as he totally ignored the fact that Aphmau was trying to kill him and grabbed the knife out of her hand.

“This is our chance!” Zane said.

Both Garroth and Zane grab Aphmau by the arms. Of course Kim and Lucinda do nothing but watch.

“ARGHHHHH I SWEAR TO FUCKING IRENE ONCE EIN GETS HERE AND FREES ME I'M GOING TO PUT YOUR HEADS SO FAR UP YOUR ASSES ALL OF YOU WILL BE SHITTING OUT YOUR MOUTH FOR WEEKS-”Aphmau’s screamed,as her voice slowly faded into the background.

“Um,a little help?!” Zane said.

“Nah we're good lol” Lucinda said.

“Ugh,useless!” Zane said.

“Don’t worry! I'm sure Aaron will be here soon” Garroth said.

“I sure fucking hope so” Zane said.

After 3 (three( whole hours because that's how long anime fights take, Aaron arrives to the scene.

“WELL YOU SURE TOOK YOUR SWEET ASS TIME” Zane yelled.

“Cut me some slack! I'm trying to make my death as sad and dramatic as possible!” Aaron said.

“Bold of you to assume your going to die permanently lmao” Lucinda said.

“Aaron,everyone knows you can't actually die. The least you can do is not make it at the inconvenience of everyone” Kim said.

“Ugh fine, release Aphmau” Aaron said.

Both Zane and Garroth release Aphmau at once. Aphmau proceeds to yeet herself at Aaron once more, picking up the knife she dropped on the ground in the process.

“WAIT YOU GUYS LEFT THE KNIFE ON THE GROUND?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Aaron yelled.

“OH CRAP MY KNIFE!!!” Garroth yelled.

Aphmau then stabs Aaron,but he pulls her closer.

“Aphmau…..” Aaron said.

“Hwo,,the fU,CK ArRE yuO,,r teEF gl,,OWI,Ng,,,” Aphmau asked.

“Nevermind that,i…..need to tell you something important……” Aaron said.

“Huh?”

”You…….”

“......smell like cheese dip”

Aaron then proceeded to take a whole hour to fall to the ground dramatically.

“AAAROOOOOON” Aphmau screams.

“Well I guess Aaron is dead :/” Lucinda said.

“Press F” Zane said.

“F”

“Anyways I don't know about you guys but I'm hungry” Kim said,as she tore yet another piece of Garroth's hair and ate it like cotton candy.

“Maybe Aaron still has some chicken nuggets left in his pockets” Garroth said.

“Let's just go to Taco Bell” Lucinda said.

“TACO I LOVE CHEESY GORDITA” Aphmau yelled in excitement.

“But,what about Aaron?” Zane asked.

“Don't worry he'll just come back to life he always does” Garroth replied.

And so our heroes went off to Taco Bell, blissfully unaware of the fact that Aaron didn't kill Ein.

“wait WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN EIN ISNT FUCKING DEAD WHAT-” Aphmau said angrily.

Sorry that's all the time we have left bye.

End uwu

#aphmau #mystreet #garroth ro'meave #zane ro'meave #lucinda #kim #aaron lycan #irene #lady irene #ein

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ncblebeast · 6 years

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name: bryce atlas winslow age: thirty seven sexuality: homosexual pronouns: he / him occupation: bouncer , veteran of irish naval service gang: cobras sign: aquarius pinterest: board spotify: playlist coming soon

so guess who couldn’t resist bringing in a cobra ? yeah that’s right it me snottie lottie back at it again lol byrce is a old ass muse of mine like five years or some shit but he’s recently had a fc update ( i’m obsessed with jon ) so i’m excited to start writing him again !! pls come plot with us he’s hard on the outside but he’s honestly such a soft goofy puppy on the inside he wants love but doesn’t think he deserves it u feel me ?

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ jon bernthal + cismale + he/him — have you met bryce atlas winslow? they are a thirty seven year old known around town as the noble beast. they currently work for the the cobras as a bouncer. they are a homosexual aquarius, which means they are open minded + inviting, as well as detached + guarded. a map of scars, a warm bubble bath with dried flowers, drinking whiskey on the porch listening to crickets chirp at 2 am.

PERSONALITY

good day: original , open-minded , fair , logical , inviting , selfless , goofy , resilient bad day: guarded , detached , self destructive , out of touch , irrational , desperate , headstrong , aggressive , set in his ways favorite things: teaching , team sports , anything with a cause or mission , independent films least favorite things: ( his idea of ) injustice , drama queens/kings , feeling isolated , owing money or favors , having to choose just one thing secret wish: to experience total freedom how to spot him: cute smile , quirky movements , darting eyes , long legs where you’ll find him: backpacking , picketing a company , coaching a little league team , revolutionizing the industry keywords: friendliness , eccentricity , teamwork , groups

innovative and avant-garde , from experimental electronic music to community oriented living , there’s nothing that he won’t explore. as the type that rules groups and teams , bringing people together around an important cause or political agenda is his specialty.

bryce is cutting edge , “out there” and even a little strange at times. no topic is too cutting edge for him: extraterrestrials , stem cells , cloning , robots taking over the earth… yup , he will go there.

while he can be rebellious and detached from reality ( c’mon back to earth ! ) , it helps him see possibilities most wouldn’t otherwise. he is community oriented , original , open-minded , fair , logical , connecting , and inviting.

the negative expression of his energy can be guarded , detached , destructive , out of touch , irrational , and desperate. he can be reluctant to express emotions — he prefers rational reasoning and cool-headed logic to the messy tapestry of the human feelings.

he is “fringe” and mainstream all at once , a fascinating paradox. he is a visionary , dreaming up quirky utopias and alternative realities that can shake up the status quo.

ruled by his emotional detachment , unpredictable energy and rebellion. he can be “ type a ” and totally quirky all at the same time.

friendship and teamwork are important to him , so he tends to be more focused on a group than an individual or even himself. freedom is important to him as well , which is why he likes to keep things light on an interpersonal level. that way , he won’t feel bad about running off to the opposite corner of the world at a moment’s notice.

at times , his nomadic strategy backfires , leaving him lonely and disconnected. he is uncomfortable with too much intimacy most of the time.

this free spirit belongs to the world , and feel off-balance giving his considerable energy to just one person. while his friends get first-class treatment , families and lovers see a different side of him: moody , brooding , anxious and neurotic.

or he may pick one ( and only one ) person to open up to , getting attached to the point of obsession. learning to accept and express his emotions can help him avoid the massive freakouts and anger flashes that come from pretending everything’s cool when it isn’t.

he appreciates a quirky or eccentric twist and has some colorful characters and counter-cultural personalities as friends.

BIOGRAPHY

bryce atlas winslow was born january 31st in dublin , the republic of ireland , into a very straight lace , play by the rules kind of family. his father , ardal winslow , was an irish army man and his mother , brona winslow , was a homemaker.

ardal was every bit the ‘ man of the family ’ , bryce grew up only answering to his father. brona would only every answer a question with ‘ask yer da ’ or ‘ dija’ ask yer da ? ’ she was a spineless woman , afraid of her own shadow and that’s what made her such a great little puppet for ardal.

his father was a stern man , an angry drunk , and no one put a single toe out of line with him around. with bryce being the first born and only son , he was expected to be perfect which from a very young age he felt the pressures of.

it was like walking on eggshells , everyone always afraid of making a mistake or displeasing ardal. he did not have the fun , happy-go-lucky innocence a child should expect of his early years , instead there was nothing but discipline , hard work, and punishment.

for the most part , bryce succeeded at being the perfect son his father expected him to be -- a robot more than an actual living boy , simply a machine , a machine being bred for war quite literally.

it wasn’t until about the beginning of secondary school when puberty and hormones began blossoming that things became precarious. voice cracks , uneven patches of hair…. oh , and a sudden sexual desire for the same sex ?

( tw: suicide ment ) now , the winslows were catholics -- devout catholics -- you see and bryce became very self-loathing and afraid in this confusing time. he contemplated suicide , because ‘ homosexuality is wrong and you went straight to hell for it ‘.

it didn’t matter how good of a son you were , because ‘ man shall not lie with man ‘. he kept it hidden for years , he also managed not to act on it until well into his last year of secondary school.

despite bryce’s fears and shame , when he was sixteen he fell in love for the first time. first loves can be explosive , dangerous even and this one was nothing short of just that.

bryce kept his forbidden love a secret from everyone , his family and father above all others. all good things must come to an end though , and for the boys it came sooner rather than later.

ardal happened upon a note from the boy bryce was seeing ( wc ) and in this note was all sorts of information -- including a meeting spot. as you can imagine , ardal flew from the house in a drunken rage in search of his sinner son only to catch him red handed.

( tw: assault , possible death ment ) bryce saved his lover from his father’s wrath , taking the brunt of the attack. his boyfriend watched as bryce was beaten , begging and screaming for ardal to stop , that he was killing him.

the drunken bigot was turning on the younger boy when bryce told him to leave and never come back , so that is what he did. he has never laid eyes on his first love since , and that’s probably for the best.

after his father had tired himself out , satisfied his rage , he left his son there in the dirt and bryce didn’t bother moving. will to live depleted , too tired to go on , pain too much to endure -- he just slept there until the next morning when he was awoken with a kick of dirt in the face. He was being sent to a ‘’ special ’’ facility where they would get rid of his ‘’ ailments ’’.

time melded in the facility , but it’s estimated nearly a year of his life was wasted away in there. he was resistant and defiant for most of his time there , it wasn’t until his father visited him for the one and only time that things changed.

( tw: suicide ment ) his father brought news that his mother had killed herself. this was a lie , but a last ditch effort to force bryce to change his ways and boy , did it work.

hardly a month later , bryce was discharged from the facility only to find his mother was indeed very much alive and that his entire family had moved to england.

his father gave him nonsense about wanting to get away from the bad memories , start over new , and lead him not into temptation by sending him back to school with ‘sinners’.

so , bryce finished out the remainder of his schooling in england and went straight into the royal air force ( at least he got to choose what branch he went into rip ) as per his father’s wishes.

sadly for him , he would never become what he so longed to be. he had just finished boot camp and life had just started to seem somewhat normal -- if you can call anything the winslow’s had normal -- when he lost it all.

the irishman witnessed something he wasn’t meant to and as a warning to keep his mouth shut , the russian mafia took his vision in his right eye.

this ultimately ruined his life , because without 20 / 20 vision joining the royal air force was no longer an option. bryce woke up alone in the hospital , his only visitor being his younger sister ( wc ).

his life came crashing down around him. ardal would no longer have anything to do with him after finding out what happened , that he couldn’t be a pilot.

it was like he was a ghost or invisible to his father. he was everything he never wanted , and every time bryce looked in a mirror that was all he could see.

the black sheep , a burden , a mistake , a sinner , useless -- all things his father didn’t have to say for him to feel. he stayed near his family for a while , unsure of what to do or where to go for a long while.

luckily , bryce’s mother was able to get him a job at a nearby hospital and that’s where he met the tiny ginger who quickly became his whole world ( wc ).

their relationship was a rocky one to say the least , bryce being young and foolish thought the ‘ if you like someone , be mean to them ’ rule still applied when in reality it never should have been.

not to mention , he finally had people to lord over and feel like he finally had control of a situation which gave him a big head -- the patient was most definitely a victim of all this.

while he was quite the asshole , he grew to care more and more for the boy and watched him closer than most. one day , the boy finally got to leave the hospital and bryce had no qualms about leaving england after that.

his father no longer wanted him around and the irishman no longer felt like fighting to stay , so his roommate at the time was moving back home to america and bryce decided he would go with them ( another wc lol ).

the two separated eventually , bryce finding his way to valdez where he easily fit in with the cobras seeing as he had a grudge he wanted to make good on with another gang. so , he used the gang as a means to take that revenge and yet regrets his decision , seeing as he is now stuck with them.

now , he lives with his roommate , who he keeps a secret from the gang to this day bc they’re a savage ( wc ). he was ordered to go in , take apart the sex trafficking business that was stealing the cobra clientele and that required him killing a whole room of sex slaves and goons.

when he came upon his current roomie though , all drugged up , no life in his eyes , being taken advantage of -- instead of killing them he saved them instead.

since that day , he’s felt an obligation to protect the other and very much sees them as a younger sibling even though they ended up in the savages and not the cobras ( mostly due to the cobras expecting him to be dead ).

other than that , the man busies himself with drying and preserving flowers or his pet ferret outside of being a bouncer now. he parades around like this big , mean , tough hard ass when in reality he’s quite the domestic type.

he much prefers the bouncer life to having to kill people , but he’s sorta been bred for it so it’s not uncommon for someone to recruit him to do more than just bounce a few assholes from the club. he’s a jack of all trade and master of none , but he will get the job done if he has one to do.

ETC.

has a ferret named big wig that he loves v much

preserves flowers in his spare time , he keeps a book full of pressed flowers and plant life at all times in the chance he need to preserve something but he keeps it on the down low

plays guitar and sings

is legally blind in one eye , but doesn’t wear glasses

lives with his secret roommate ( wc ) , but does not have any other real friends nor family in america ( that he’s aware of ) but i do have wcs for some so hmu or check out the wc page when i submit them

has a sister ( wc ) that he keeps in contact with , but his mother is not allowed to speak to him anymore

his guilty pleasure is to take baths , he enjoys adding bath salts , flowers , and other rather ‘ feminine ‘ products to them. takes one almost once a day ngl it’s one of his favorite ways to relax

he’s irish , has a thick accent and uses uncommon terminology quite a bit

#valdez.intro #if you actually read this #i owe you my soul

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unpretty · 6 years

Text

hey finals week is coming up and i have like two projects so i

LET'S READ: KRAVEN THE HUNTER

(Previously On, or, The Mess So Far)

THE ANNUALS

I FORGOT ABOUT THE FUCKING ANNUALS

I need to make an actual list of every appearance in order because I have only done two of these and already I have dropped the fucking ball. Fuck. ANYWAY

This is legitimately the first time I have read this so we are going on this journey together, you and I. This comic is literally from right after Kraven's first appearance, as far as I can tell? So Kraven really was gone for two years, it's just... the two years after this, I guess. I don't know how annuals fit into the main timeline.

Aunt May what the fuck are you wearing, girl. It's so weird to see Betty Brant described as one of the most important people in Peter's life. Mary Jane who? Gwen Stacy what? No, it's all about power couple Peter Parker and Betty Brant, his one true love, forever.

Blah blah blah Doc Ock escapes from prison and Spider-Man steals JJ's newspaper just to be a dick about it. This explains a lot about why Kraven's impersonation seemed so plausible. "Spider-Man just randomly tormenting JJ for no goddamn reason? Yeah, that seems about right."

Peter is this really the easiest way for you to read the paper. I feel like those lights really weren't designed to carry that much weight.

THOR IS LITERALLY JUST HERE TO KNOCK SPIDER-MAN OVER? OKAY.

But FINALLY, OUR BOY SHOWS UP.

YEAH.

Oh my god Doc Ock. He's killing me. He looks so sleazy here with his cigarette. Like an angry frog. WHY DO HIS GLOVES HAVE FINGERNAILS.

Then the story returns almost immediately to a far more important issue: Peter being a huge asshole at the slightest provocation.

Flash clearly has his own issues, Peter. His relationship is on the brink of collapse and you're not even trying to deny fucking his girlfriend. Come on, dude. Come on.

DO YOU KNOW WHO HAS TO BREAK UP THIS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY DIPSHIT BATTLE?

DR STRANGE.

DR. STRANGE HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN INTERVENE IN THESE SHENANIGANS.

Such smooth cameos. Such compelling cross-overs. I feel so drawn to spend all of my money on these other comics, about characters who just kind of swan around New York breaking up fights and knocking Spider-Man off lampposts.

Anyway then some stuff happens, Sandman is there, Aunt May is sad, rehash of Spider-Man's origin story for some reason, etc. Then Spider-Man's powers go away, possibly because he's so sad. I don't know. I haven't read ahead. I just wanted to show you these panels.

"If I weren't stuck on this pole, losing all of my great powers and great responsibilities would be awesome" - Spider-Man, basically.

THEY JUST KEEP DRIVING. OH MY GOD, I'M LOSING MY MIND. "YUP, THERE'S SPIDER-MAN, DICKING AROUND LIKE USUAL. YOU KNOW HOW HE HATES PEOPLE. LET'S JUST KEEP GOING AND PRETEND WE DIDN'T SEE." OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS AMAZING. Godddd. The way Reed STRETCHES to really get a good fucking look at what this idiot is doing, while driving. Johnny like UGH, THAT FUCKING GUY. This is the best relationship for superheroes to have with each other. "I don't know what he's doing, and to be honest, I don't want to know. We have our own problems. I'm a rock, for god's sake."

It takes Peter like hour to get home and he doesn't have any spare clothes so he's just creeping around like a loon in terror that someone is going to rip his mask off while he's vulnerable. Then THE SINISTER SIX ASSEMBLE except they aren't calling themselves that yet.

"Working together, how can we fail?"

"Wow, Kraven, I'm glad you're so on board with this plan."

"What? No. Fuck this plan. I hate it. If there's no chance for me to die a horrible death then what's the fucking point? Get away from me, nerd."

I'M CRYING

THIS IS DOC OCK'S BRILLIANT PLAN

THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE TURNS BY DRAWING NUMBERS OUT OF A HAT

EVERYONE'S JUST GOING ALONG WITH THIS LIKE IT'S NOT THE DUMBEST THING THEY'VE EVER HEARD IN THEIR LIVES

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS

"LET'S TEAM UP TO DESTROY SPIDER-MAN BY FIGHTING HIM ONE AT A TIME, IN AN ORDERLY FASHION, EVERYONE DRAW STRAWS" - A CRIMINAL FUCKING MASTERMIND

So anyway then Peter mopes for a while about his powers and skips school, while Aunt May worries herself half to death. Then he mopes at the docks for some reason (WHY DOES PETER PARKER LOVE TO HANG OUT AT THE DOCKS, WHY DOES THIS COME UP MORE THAN ONCE) and then mopes aggressively at... Giant-Man?

Giant-Man and the Wasp? Did Ant-Man used to be called Giant-Man? Why the fuck was his girlfriend the Wasp, then? What was their theme? Did they have a theme? Her costume isn't even Wasp-ish. I have a lot of questions that aren't going to be answered here. Anyway Peter is really bitter for someone who was psyched about losing his powers. Getting pointedly ignored by the Fantastic Four really did a number on him, I guess.

Now the Sinister Six kidnap Aunt May and Betty Brant. They were mostly trying to kidnap Betty. Aunt May was just there for meddling purposes. THANK GOD JJ IS THERE TO SAVE THE DAY

Thank God. Someone competent.

Aunt May... please. Some trouble with his arms.

This is getting really bogged down in shit that isn't Kraven. Kraven isn't even hanging out with the rest of the team. He hasn't been in a single panel since he drew his number. He does not give a shit about any of this. He's just politely waiting his fucking turn to kick Spider-Man's ass.

Vulture tells JJ that he wants him to tell Spider-Man they've kidnapped Betty, who I guess the villains have figured out is his girlfriend. They say fuck-all about Aunt May. JJ insults Spider-Man a lot by implying that he doesn't know how to read and also asks them to keep Betty safe. Peter spends the whole panel in intense thought bubbles, saying nothing. He just stands there in silence as JJ negotiates for his hostage girlfriend. I know he's brooding about his powers and whatever, but oh my god, Peter, fucking say something.

JJ is frantic to save Betty while Peter is having an episode, so he just starts calling superheroes at random asking if anyone knows how to get in touch with Spider-Man. Cap doesn't know shit about shit, but the Human Torch decides to do JJ a solid by putting a message in the sky, I guess.

"Hey, Professor X? It seems like there's some weird shit going down."

"Does it say mutants? Does it say 'to me, my X-men? No? Shut the fuck up and get back to training. Beast, what the hell are you even doing. We've talked about this."

So Spider-Man goes to fight Electro powerless, but nearly getting killed by Electro makes him realize that he still has his powers. He had his powers all along. He just moped so hard that he lost them for a while. So he kicks Electro's ass and no one cares. Iron Man shows up for five seconds to see what that noise was, then leaves. JJ is still frantically calling superheroes because Spider-Man didn't bother to give him a heads-up that he was aware of the situation.

FINALLY, OUR HERO RETURNS

Okay so I guess this explains that brief flashback cameo where Kraven had two leopards in a featureless void. That makes this the actual first appearance of Kraven the Tamer. Post status: corrected. Kraven whistle-trained some goddamn leopards. Good for you, Kraven.

SPIDEY DID YOU JUST KICK KRAVEN IN THE DICK.

Oh my god was the gratuitous racist reference really necessary here, Peter??

ARE YOU SHITTING ME. HE DOESN'T EVEN BEAT KRAVEN. HE JUST SHOVES HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS TO STEAL THE CARD AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT GUY. WHAT THE FUCK. Also that's just the worst comeback I have ever seen in my whole life. “More like never.” Work on your banter and come back to me, young man.

I can't believe I'm reading this whole fucking comic just for Kraven to get pickpocketed without any good fight action. I've been robbed.

We get it, Peter. He's hairy.

Then the Human Torch shows up and PETER STARTS TRYING TO KICK HIS ASS FOR NO REASON.

LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK, PETER. They fight for like two pages before Spider-Man stops flailing long enough for Johnny to say that he wants to help him fight the bad guys. All he wanted was to help. And then Spider-Man says no and Johnny shrugs and leaves. I can't believe this fucking comic.

Doc Ock has been politely serving the ladies tea and danishes. No, really.

Who the fuck am I supposed to be rooting for in this comic. My god.

It briefly seems like there might be a plot twist where Kraven set Spidey up to fight the X-men, but they're actually just robots. Spider-Man beats up some robots that look like the X-men. Mysterio was number three. He kicks Mysterio's ass and... sets him on fire??? Look, it's unclear. But the card with the next address on it for this damsel scavenger hunt gets lit on fire, and Peter has to try and silly-putty this shit with some webbing.

I feel like that's not how Spider-Sense works, but what the fuck do I know. I didn't even know about Spider-Beams. I'm clearly lacking in the subject of Spider-Man lore.

JJ. JJ YOU FUCKING ANGEL. I LOVE YOU, JONAH. NEVER CHANGE. HE'S SO DESPERATE TO SAVE HIS SECRETARY HE'S TALKING TO A GODDAMN SPIDER, EMBLEM OF HIS SWORN NEMESIS. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. This almost makes up for the lack of Kraven. What a perfect, perfect moment.

Hey, wait, he references Ant-Man. So there is an Ant-Man? Then who the fuck is Giant-Man? What the fuck.

Spider-Man fights Sandman, whose clever plan was to trap Spider-Man with him in some kind of perfectly sealed cube. But then Sandman couldn't breathe and he passed the fuck out, allowing Spider-Man to run away. His spider powers include holding his breath for a really long time. That's canon I guess.

JJ has been so frantic and spent so much time interrogating spiders that he forgot to print extra editions. All of his competitors have now scooped him on the exciting Spider-Man story. JJ is a fucking mess.

It's Vulture's turn, and Vulture insists he won't fight unless Spider-Man takes off his web shooters. Like? Okay? Vulture gets his ass kicked legit, which is fair, because if Peter pickpocketed an old man and ran away he would never hear the end of it. He goes to an old castle where he kicks Doc Ock's ass. Aunt May hates him.

They'd better give me at least one more Kraven panel after all this. Fuck.

CHIPPER IS NOT THE WORD FOR WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS.

IS THAT REALLY ALL I GET, HERE. ARE YOU SERIOUS. Fuck this. Fuck annuals. Oh my god. Kraven is just sitting there in annoyed silence with a bunch of dudes in green. He regrets everything. He didn't even get to fight Spider-Man. Their plan didn't work at all. He was promised a fight with Spider-Man and instead he just got pickpocketed and had Rudyard Kipling references made at him. This is the fucking worst.

Let's summarize this whole debacle from Kraven's perspective:

Kraven is told that there is a plan to kick Spider-Man's ass as a team. He's iffy about it. They tell him he gets to fight him alone, he just has to draw a number out of a hat to decide when he gets his turn. Yeah, okay, fine. Then the other villains go do some dumb shit that Kraven doesn't care about, except that he's been told it will ensure that Spider-Man will be forced to fight him. Okay, fine. He gets some leopards that he had lying around because they could use the exercise and they match his pants. Things are looking up for Kraven. The fight starts good. Then Spider-Man shoves his hand in Kraven's pants, steals the card they made him carry, and runs away. There is no more fight. Kraven gets arrested. That's it. That's all that happens.

Fuck annuals.

(Next Time, or, The Mess So Far)

#original #kraven readalong #kraven the hunter

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