#planning a move + how it's going to work
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I'd probably be less stressed if I stopped my very much NOT funny tradition of having a bazillion things happening 'round me at the end of the year
#still waiting to see if my doctor is going to approve my blood work#still on talks with my bank to see if the plan gets approved and I actually get to own a place#still waiting for the agency to call us back about the place we saw tuesday and we'd be interested in#I also am going to be a... dunno the nongendered form of how I'm going to have a niece in less than a week#i'm working my ass off so i don't get sacked at the beginning of the year#planning a move + how it's going to work#how we are going to be asking for days off on both of our jobs considering it all#the conversation regarding companies pertaining light#water and all of the basic necesseties#which revolves around on the fact that I need to feign being a woman for all of them and keep accepting and signing forms under a gender i'#very much not bc here i don't get to be legally recognized as anything but the binary#and the mental inner countdown all of it brings bc since taking t i'm gearing towards a more androgynous look and therefore more difficult#to pass with each passing week#i REALLY want a break#and to probably pass out for a month#(and knowing that atop of it all i'm starting to burn out and I'm not being as good of a friend I should be)#fuck off mental gnome#ps to those that might be reading the tags#me trying to own a place is mostly due to a need since mortages are cheaper than anything these days and our lease is going to be up in a#year#and we know they will not keep the monthly payment the same if we keep leaving here giving that they've increased the amount twice already#so we need to move and we need to do it now whilst i'm still under 30#as banks offer aid to those that try to own a place under 30 and they look to the oldest of the couple#which would be me#I'm 28#soon to be 29 in -also- less than a week#can i have a fucking break xd#living and not leaving#not editing a single tag we die like fanfic authors who don't give a damn
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Could you explain your position on Shallura? Since Allura was established as a teenager when she started dating Lance and Shiro was very clearly an adult. I can understand the bi shiro headcannon but the shallura thing worries me
i am going to remind yall that i have been in this fandom since 2016. and in the early seasons, allura was not established as a teenager. in fact she was coded as older, as closer to shiro's age -- there was a specific divide between her and the younger paladins that she did not have with shiro. they made her younger (both explicitly and in mannerisms) as the show went on. and i do not give a fuck about voltron like...post s4 and i didn't even watch s7-8. so like. especially with older fics, im going to enjoy shallura.
#also this is less relevant and i was going to put it in the main post but i cant find the words for it#but i found your last sentence kind of condescending. “the shallura thing worries me” as if i am your little project and things arent going#to plan. as if you are the Knower Of All Things and i am straying from my path lol. twas odd#and this is a controversial thing to say i know it but like#we take fandom way too seriously. if someone decides in fic to make two characters the same age to ship them or whatever. do we really need#to get the torches and pitchforks. like i can understand discomfort when people ship like shiro and pidge or something but. also. i feel#like you can just block and move on?? like i dont ship sheith bc they are brothers. to me. but also i dont think sheithers should be#harassed or any dumb shit like that. i think its so so whatever like theyre Lines man theyre moving lines#at the same time i understand that peoples headcanons can be reflective of their worldviews (like when racism/transphobia/sexism shine#through someone's headcanons/characterization) but how much scrutiny is too much? when do we get to remember that fandom is a place to#work with the FICTIONAL? where you can change details without consequence? i saw a fic where keith was the older sibling and shiro was the#younger once. it was a good fic. how come we can play with ages but only when the Fandom Council approves?#i guess this is a really long and clumsy way to say like. you do not own the fandom nor do you get to dictate my work. and while there#is always room for necessary criticism please also think critically before you post your criticism#anyways#rant#ask
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Got up early (for me), ate a light and healthy breakfast, applied to some jobs, took a long mental health walk with the dogs, gave one of them a bath, and even did some phone calls and messaging regarding my medication and pharmacy problems and managed to sort it out without breaking down!!! And! Showered!! Kicking ASS at mental health today
#im studying myself like a bug. with no judgement or compulsive self hate when i see the results. and then doing something different based on#those results#and its working#ive noticed that im much more productive when i have someone else to help or listen to. its a little uh sad because im not easily able to#to take care of myself and do things for MYSELF. but if its for someone else then its like i gain momentum#going out to clean out MY car? well i dont care how gross it is im not worth the effort.#cleaning out my car for my brother who i drive to therapy every other week? fuck yes its going to be nice and clean because therapy is impo#rtant and i want to help you stick with it and so we make it not a chore but lighthearted sibling time#like do you get it#anyway slow progress is still progress#the number of good days are slowly catching up to the number of bad days#post beginning of the pandemic 2020 was so brutal on me. moving back in with my parents especially#but i have a plan now . a real one. and friends to help me as well !#oops rambling in the tags haha#long tags
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*silently slides Twig/Ark content onto your dash* *scurries away into the night*
(Read the rest under the cut!)
#Ark: *has been trying to subliminally influence Twig into making the first move bc he doesn't want to risk getting a bad reaction himself*#Twig: Oh hey dude you dropped this hint-shaped object! Better be more careful next time! You don't want to lose your things haha :)#so much stuff that has none of its background in this comic...#Like the fact that the two breakups that Celebi didn't know about were Twig getting catfished by a couple of ditto#Or how the little bouquet / floral arrangement thing Ark is putting into a vase at the start is something Twig picked while on a walk#and then dropped off on the counter with the plan of throwing it out when she got back to it but Ark put it in a vase before she could#And Ark begrudgingly asked to be taught how to cook by Dusknoir and Grovyle#and as soon as he knew enough of the basics to work on his own he ditched his tutors ASAP bc he hates them#Also how Celebi pried Ark's feelings for Twig out of him with a crowbar and she is ALWAYS on his case about it#“SHE'S GROVYLE'S SISTER YOU IDIOT. SHE'S NOT GOING TO CATCH ON TO ANY OF YOUR SUBTLETY. JUST TELL HER POINT BLANK ALREADY”#Flash forward to this comic where Ark's actually trying to be blatantly + unavoidably clear and Twig STILL manages to misinterpret things#She's somehow even more annoying as a love interest than she was as a hero foiling his 700 color-coded backup plans for world domination#He's so tired guys. Someone put him out of his misery.#the present is a gift au#stuff by sofie#pmd eos#pmd#pmd explorers#pmd2#pokemon mystery dungeon#pmd comic#pmd au#pmd darkrai#pmd hero#pmd2 hero#pmd oc#pmd sky#mystery dungeon#pmd celebi#pokémon mystery dungeon
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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blacked out and came to with a document full of macden
#ada speaks#ada writing macden in 2024........ hm#its all dennis introspection but i have a Plan#the funny thing abt macden is that mac is so goddamn dense i can commit to usual den shenanigans#charlie is way too perceptive it doesn't usually work#i will laugh if i manage to post this before any of my longass fics#its. playing with some concepts i have used before (i will say. victoria being conceptualized as an entirely separate person.)#i find den's separation of self really fascinating bc for me the trans experience has been. hm#playing a part for the masses but knowing who i am beneath that#its opposite for dennis but also the same. he doesn't see vicky as himself but he doesn't have a core either#he's a shell hosting her in his body but she also feels like the most authentic version of the self#and thus. gender euphoria. very weird and complicated gender euphoria.#one dennis holds himself back from expressing to its fullest extent#what was i talking about again#oh yeah macden. that's there too. i think probably den's gonna put the moves on mac but i haven't decided how itll go.....#this fic is just dennis doing psych student brain things thinking abt mac and their relationship and breaking it all down
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#welp! things continue to happen!#my wife has been hospitalized! (like kinda preemptively)#she should be fine but it's still. very hard.#and she has good insurance so it shouldn't be a big expense#(aside from like. if she runs out of sick days.)#she thinks she should be fine to go back to work and handle the move and all#but if she isn't we've got a backup plan sketched out.#and yknow like. it's hard. it sucks.#I don't know when she will be home or how she'll be doing.#plus I've still also been in need of care this whole dang time but that will have to wait a little longer!#it's just real hard!#I'm having a real bad time!
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Also, big news, over the time I've been off I've decided I'm moving, wish me luck!
#you of all people have seem how much this year sucked#have made the call. it is time to go#i WILL miss my work but i think it is for the best#plan is to finish up in ~6 months then move to a monastery for the rest of the year!
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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the problem of the matter is i did internalize so much of what ex friend believed about me. even though i knew he was wrong and knew what was happening and tried to stop it and if i took more action to stop it would have been abusing power i held in a way i couldn't live with myself for.
#A BAD PERSON TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOU FIRED AND EVICTED IN WINTER IN ALASKA YOU MOTHERFUCKER. WHICH I DID NOT DO#he was renting a room from my dad. for cheaper than he wouldve been able to find anywhere else. his brother was too#his brother didn't pay rent for over 6 months and my dad just forgave him the debt because my dad knew how much of a difference it wouldve#made when he was that age. and i had told him ex friend was family to me & my dad applied that to the brother too. bc he is a good person.#and one of the strongest parts of my support system. and i didn't say a word to him about what was happening until i knew he already had a#plan for when he would be ending ex friend's lease. so there would be no subconscious impact on ex friend's housing either#mgmt at work straight up asked me if i thought ex friend should be fired immediately multiple times and i'm in retrospect livid they put me#in that position but told them to go by the strike system in the employee handbook and to follow policy that ex friend knew perfectly. that#it couldn't be on me as acting assistant manager to choose#and after 10 months of workplace harassment i got a different job to save my life. ex friend didn't get fired.#he did saw trap shit to my brain!!!!!! jesus christ#he moved cross country to live with his long time gf he called his wife despite never having met irl. to a way more conservative state.#despite being gay. and she left him this summer lol#hadn't checked his twitter in over a year when it got pulled up frm an old link and i saw that. and when he was already at a low point too#me voice. oh no who could've seen this coming. from how you behave in every relationship in your life#may delete this in the morning. but i have to talk about it sometimes#i'm never reaching out for closure both bc he wouldn't give me any and because i know it would trigger him and i don't intentionally trigge#people. unlike him :)#vampire pit#like. i have to talk about it sometimes. i have to talk about it.#jam posts
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Last Friday, I posted chp.2.1 and a 3 page Intermission of my comic Journey to the Far Edges of the Universe (JTTFEOTU for short) on ao3
Chp.2.1, which is the first half of chp.2, is 23 pages long consisting of GameOver Jade talking to Davesprite about the events that occurred and the emotional hurdles that arises for both characters.
I explained chp.2.1 as a note on ao3, but here's the sum up: chp.2 is the start of Act 1. Think of chp.2 as a goodbye to davesprite’s character in GO!, while chp.3 is planned to be Nanna’s goodbye. Act 1 will end when the sprites leave for the new timeline.
(I wanna note that the pages are kinda blurry in ao3 and I don't know how to fix that hopefully ill find the solution when I post on ao3 again)
Imma add lil screenshots from chp.2.1 and Intermission here ~
#homestuck#jade harley#davesprite#dave strider#my comics#my arty#my art#JTTFEOTU comic and thoughts#...it been 3 years#the amount of changes I made since early 2020 draft of chp.2 is a lot and honestly idk how imma rework chp.2.2 but imma try#I like how I drew expressions in chp.2.1 that was fun#im kinda proud of myself that I stuck to my plan of wanting to finish this half chp in Aug and only working on it on the weekdays#I was anxious posting this on Friday so todays the day I post#honestly tho I can't even look at chp.1 like I get kinda embarrassed thinking about it but anyway imma just move forward and learn as I go
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#i hate how wishy washy my social life is in this city like.#like everything has to be Planned and is a Thing and it’s like. i don’t want to go to a fancy group dinner#or get invited to a birthday party#i just want someone who will go to target with me#or come over and keep me company while i do laundry and then get tacos after like.#something that Actually feels intimate…idk#but now its like. i either go to this fancy dinner with a big group (who are mostly couples) and at least have something to do today#or. i spend my saturday alone.#like even the friends i have 1 on 1 its like. plans have to be made in advance if we wanna go get coffee or something#like nothing is just. spontaneous and casual its alk a Thing#but also like fuck. i just spent whole week at work alone i don’t wanna be alone in my weekend too like fuuuuuck this#and its like. i can’t help but feel like its my fault but i know its been hard because i work remote so im so fucking isolated#sometimes i think i should just move home but i know thatll just make me feel like i failed#at like. moving to a big city and making it work#but also i know its not just me like lonely city by olivia laing blah blah blah but goddddddd#i am a social creature!!!! i want to be around people!!!!! but in a meaningful and fulfilling way!!!!!!!#anyway thats my therapy session for today see u next time#m
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first year of my phd and im thinking about potential directions for a post-doc. that's the devil talking
#i told myself i would never do a post-doc#buuut if it's the move it's the move#if anyone has any input on what the experience of a post-doc was worth to them i would love to hear it!!#i am most likely planning to go into industry but if there is a door that opens in academia i would consider it#i just know that doesn't seem to be how the job market works these days#grad school#phd#phdblr#gradblr
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goodness, i think i'm gonna have to make a post about project 2025.
#maddie speaks#us politics#politics#project 2025#txt#like an overview of the entire thing which will be a bit difficult since it's over 900 pages#and this is really serious shit but i'm not seeing much awareness of it here on tumblr so#i'm gonna make a summary with as much info as i can muster#honestly i'm gonna need an exit plan if shit hits the fan here in the u.s.#england is on the top of the list to go to rn. but i'm 18 so i have no clue how i'm gonna make enough money to move out if i need to#i'm aiming to be a software developer which seems to make a real good amount of money. so.#hopefully it all works out in the end.
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Oh! I just realized I never posted updates. It looks like the last anyone here heard about my academic pursuits was still mostly about recovering from my traumatic experience with my original PI.
My PI that I am doing the MS with is excellent, a fantastic mentor. I'm really happy to have gotten to work with her. She was exactly who I needed coming out of that bad situation.
If all goes well, I should be defending my MS thesis early this summer. Afterwards I'm scheduled to attend a conference and present on the same project.
I have been accepted to a new PhD program starting Fall 2024, so I'll also be moving again this summer. The PI I will be working with there is great. I think this time I'll have both a good research fit and a good mentorship fit. We already planned my dissertation chpaters out during recruitment (this usually happens over the course of your first year of the program so big deal that we knocked it out before even being officially admitted) and discussed making trips to Southeast Asia to sample fishes!
My MS was a detour into American Poeciliids, but I will be back to catfishes and Southeast Asian freshwater fishes when I start PhD take 2. I'm super excited!!
The part that feels a little odd is that until this semester, I was still officially in the system here as a PhD student so I've been very aware that I was supposed to be a 3rd year PhD at this point. It feels so strange to be going back to 1st year PhD. Other people enter PhDs with a MS, but those are typically MS degrees started with the intent to get an MS. I know the ropes of being a PhD student already but will be masquerading as a fresh new student. Weird.
#i want to be transparent about having mastered out of a phd at the new institution#but i probably need to be careful about how i go about it and not overtly shit talk my original pi here#because my new pi considers him a friend#original pi is great to most people especially if they are men#so not surprising that the likeable dude i signed up to work for has friends who know him as that likable dude#rather than knowing him as the horrible person he was for me once i was his student#i dont think it reflects poorly on my great new pi#new pi is a much bigger name in my field too so im moving up in the world joining his lab#of course i would be a big deal either way i have always planned to be wildly successful#but it will probably be an easier road getting there with a mentor like him vs one who hasnt achieved that kind of success#ill have guidance on the path to success rather than having to forge a new path of my own you know?
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