#other letters changed a life
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// Consider the hands
that write this letter.
Left palm pressed flat against paper,
as we have done before, over my heart. //
#All Creatures Great and Small#ACGAS#ACGAS 2020#Siegfried Farnon#Audrey Hall#Tristan Farnon#Samuel West#Anna Madeley#Callum Woodhouse#Just look at the words they have put onto paper#what they meant for each of them in series 4#such important letters have been written and received#Siegfried x Audrey#Some of them contained half a life story#other letters changed a life#some just tell stories of I miss you and I hope you are safe
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Darcy and Lizzy’s defining trait as a couple is generosity and I love them for it.
#pride and prejudice#I love it so much#defining to ME#I guess I should say#the generosity of him writing the letter and sharing so much of his life with her. her generosity in reading it and letting it in#and letting it change her. even if she fought it at the beginning#‘you are too generous to trifle with me’#both of them forgiving the other so completely at the end and keeping the focus on what they did wrong as opposed to the other person#I love love love them
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not to be too real but since we're talking about it... we always talk about will feeling lonely which is fair, but... it is such an Ugly, isolating, and genuinely heart-wrenching feeling to be the odd one out in your family, and to watch them treat others who aren't related to you the way you wish they would treat you, to watch them perform their familial roles with them and not you.
nancy's the only person in his family that mike could talk to, the only person that has the same trauma and would understand, and yet... he can't. they don't ever talk unless it's to be snippy and bite. nancy spends more time caring about max and will than she does mike, her own little brother.
holly is too young for him to bond with like that. she's just barely a kid, one that still needs to be cared for.
his mom tries her best, but he doesn't feel comfortable being vulnerable with her. considering the fact that she did everything "right" according to society's standards and married their dad of all people, i doubt he feels comfortable showing her who he really is. he lets her hug him when he's at his lowest, but we don't see them actually connecting.
his dad is just some ghost that haunts his house. he doesn't care about mike or think highly of him at all. the only times we've seen him pay mike any attention are when he belittles his interests, mocks him, punishes him, or shuts him down by telling him to listen to his mother. the only support he gets from him is financial in nature.
meanwhile, everyone else has a family they can turn to. dustin, despite lying to his mother to keep her out of his shenanigans, seems to have a decent relationship with her. even if he doesn't, he still has steve and robin. lucas is shown to have a healthy relationship with his parents and erica. will and el have their family.
max's situation is different, but she has the backing of the party; people that love her and actively try to help her and pull her back into the world of the living. she isn't thrust into a leadership role that doesn't allow for vulnerability. she has nancy who is willing to fight monsters for her, el who literally performed a miracle for her, and lucas who has stood by her since the beginning.
and mike... well. he has will back now, sure, but... things have been different between them for a long time now, even if they're both trying their best to be how they were before. and before then, will obviously was in california, not returning his calls or reaching out, making mike feel like he'd lost him for good.
so... all that being said, it's not that surprising that mike is the way he is: riddled with abandonment issues, wanting to be needed, immediately apologizing whenever he dares to open up, inclined to give others the protection and comfort no one's ever given him, prone to jealousy and possessiveness, unable to be completely and wholly honest about what troubles him, not exactly the most open to new people, and someone with appallingly low self-esteem.
you know how they say people that are drowning don't always look like they're drowning? that's mike.
#mike#mine#wheeler#mike analysis#byler#i can't think abt him for longer than two seconds bc then i make myself sad lol <3#will's story is fucked up but at least he has people that love him and help him and SEE him and that he feels comfortable being his#true self with. but mike? :/ sigh.#mike just bottles it up and overcompensates / gets his mind off of it by caring for someone else.#like in the van scene when he's opening up to will and then immediately tries to deflect bc he thinks it's not important.#like... mike... you ARE important. you're feelings aren't stupid. you aren't some worthless loser with nothing to offer people.#the way that he talks about himself and the lack of support he has in his life is like ... actually so fucking sad lmao!#bc he spent all that time with el and sent her all those letters and yet they never actually got to know each other. it wasn't anything of#value. it was just company. and he had will but things started changing and mike felt like will was pulling away from him. then they both#moved across the country and he tried to call will all those times but couldn't reach him. and then will never reached out first so he just#straight up felt like he'd lost will. and the remaining party members are great but like mike says they aren't will. so he was just alone.#bites my own hand bites my own hand bites my own hand bites—
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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the day my brain was literally rewired and my gender was being changed by the second SO HERES A GAS STATION SPECIAL before this joint was even a gas station in the FIRST PLACE !!!!
FUCKING FREAK
#kommento#// theres a whole love letter in here dont open these tags it's a readmore equivalent#p4#⛽️🌫#moel gas station attendant#tohru adachi#boot.tingting#arttag#// sneak peak before the manager became a manager and only put the uniform on to see how well it would fit and hasnt taken it off since.#// im tearing up because i hate how it's been three years and also i cant find the other notebook so i went through gphotos instead#// also that i miss blorbo so much i miss my old self so much she was so sweet and genuine and the passion and love and everything#// STUPID SEQUENCE OF PHOTOS the way my brain was so fucking rearranged i had to get up and make memes and take screenshots and then#// draw then COME BACK AGAIN to watch the thing that changed my life forever. AGAIN#// sorry was having technical difficluties in yokohama im back istok im normal (affirmation )#// this is literally all me before i started thinking about myself and wondering about my gender then the dysphoria came rushing in like#// some freshwater spring about to make a waterfall and i had to let it settle and get used to the ecosystem with two more years#// took a month where p4gsteam was booted up and i made my own save at some point and finished it on july 8#// clasped my hands and had a honeymoon period over. mimi <3 then the day after rolled around and i watched the .chair car adventure#// literally my first p4 doodles were mimi and adachi theres no fucking denying it theyre the og. theyve been with me from the start#// theyre so important to me theyre so personal they made me who i am thats why im so mad with the community i have to share them with#// because theyre all so different from me and i took that personally#// IT'S KOKAY !! look at how far ive gone. this is the biggest archival effort ive ever done my entire life ive grown branches#// farther than ive done before ive put such a variety of skills to use just to make myself food and manage this damn station#// and keep some sort of love alive which was all from me and is still from ME !!!#// crying while writing these tags now sorry okyakusan i'll clean it up soon#// these doodles really explaining my mindset from the start and how the grindset has never really changed at all#// it was all friendship for three years and still will be i love adachi i love gas station attendant so much THERE I'M SAYING IT#// cherry on top friend just dm'd me to get an actual job at a gas station IM SHITTING MYSELF#// happy anniversary to my genderest best friend and the most problematic uncle ive ever had#// we're all holding hands and theyre treating me to topsicles because it's all i could ever shamelessly want
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the sheer power of reigen arataka lies in 1. his capacity to make things better for those around him and 2. his ability to make things worse for himself
#reigen#mp100#he'd make a great court jester but also kind of a bad one#name poem - r is for rat e is for elbow grease skip the other letters and then r is for rat again#reigen arataka#one moment he has a thought and it's the most life changing shit someone's ever heard#and the next moment he has a thought and it kills him instantly
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Hi, Morgan. This you from the future, I am nineteen years old.
If I use too many big words, then please take this letter to the library. I am sure Mrs. Libkins won’t mind reading it to you, or at least helping you figure it out; you’re a very bright girl, after all.
I am nineteen years old, you are six years old. You’re getting a hard time from your teachers. You like to rock in your chair and for whatever reason, everyone around you has a problem with that. I will tell you, even all this time later, I still don’t get what all the fuss is about.
You will be fine, I want to know that. Things will, unfortunately, get worse for you. But you will come out on the other side. You are strong, a very strong girl. I don’t mean to scare you; you will have moments of joy in-between all the pain, but things will be rough for a long time. They never really stop being rough, but things do ease up. You learn how to manage things, how to manage yourself.
For a long time, you will be alone. You’ll be adverse to the other girls in your class in elementary and middle school, but you’ll meet a nice, nerdy girl in a technology class in sixth grade and you will find peace in having a girl on your side. A girl who thinks you’re funny. A girl who tries to understand you the best she can. You two will have bumps in the road, big bumps, even. You’ll go months without talking and you will feel alone again, you will be scared of what being alone means. But it isn’t your fault that your other friends will move away; that is what we call a product of circumstance.
It isn’t your fault.
I’ll tell you about your friends: the girl from your tech class and two others will have the greatest impact, they will get you through school.
The first is a boy with long, curly hair that you mistake for a girl when you first meet him. He cuts his hair in the middle of sixth grade and you were used to it when it was long, you liked it a little better. He is tall, very tall and he gives wonderful hugs. He loves cartoons and he talks about them a lot. He loves Adventure Time and Gravity Falls and other greats, and you will spend a lot of time with him during lunch, looking at fan-art online and listening to him ramble. You’ll fall in love with him, a (not-so) little crush, but it won’t feel right. You’ll think about him often, but the idea of being his girlfriend makes you feel sick. The idea of kissing him or, Heaven forbid, marrying him, are thoughts you avoid when your family asks about him. He moves away during eleventh grade and you don’t get to properly say goodbye. You still call him or message him sometimes, but that’s part of growing up. Things are alright.
And the second is a kid who is very, very short. He tells you that he was a girl in a past life, and that isn’t a completely foreign concept. You met a kid like him in middle school, and that middle school boy was on your side. You were both outcasted for completely separate reasons; you got to see that someone had it worse than you, really worse. That boy from middle school is doing alright now.
But you meet the very, very short boy in high school and you fall in love with the girl he once was in that past life. You couldn’t tell a soul. And you felt relief when he told you he was a boy and not a girl. You couldn’t be liable for being queer.
He is the first person you ever meet you has depression, he says it right out loud on the days where the sky is gray and heavy. And even on the sunniest of days, he was still down. You understood it but you didn’t know how to help. You ask him very literally at thirteen years old, “How can I help make you happy?” and he laughs tiredly and tells you that’s not how it works. You would do anything for him, he becomes your best friend for a short time. (Not for long, don’t worry) You will give up yourself to help him, and you have to gather the pieces of Morgan up again.
You succeed, I told you that you are bright.
Strangely, the nerdy girl who grows up with you becomes the one you fall in love with. But this cannot be denied. You are liable. You tell her and for a moment in time, she is liable in her own way. But nothing ever happens, she beat around the bush of things she wanted, of how she wanted you, to love you.
You decide to get over her and you do it in the worst way possible; you fall in love again, but this love is so, so cruel. This person violates your soul, kicks and punches your heart that is always trying to repair itself. Over and over again, being kicked and ripped to shreds. It hurts, God, does it hurt you. You shouldn’t be hurt, you’re a good person. You don’t deserve to be hurt like you were. You’re over your nerdy best friend, but at what cost?
Things come to a head and the world implodes, you lose that love (for the better, was it really ever love if it hurt so much?) and you lose your best friend for the worst; you don’t talk to her for a long time.
But, even alone, you are okay. You manage, you live and I have always been proud of you for doing so.
Time goes on and spring comes. You’ve always liked springtime. You like the flowers and warm air, and chirping birds outside your window (you called them “spring birds” when you’d hear a certain birdsong. Even as an adult, you still call them that. Some things stay the same, and that’s alright).
With spring, you make amends. You have your nerdy, kind, loving best friend again, but she’s grown up some. So have you.
You make amends and come across springtime as a person. Pretty red hair, a smile that you think about often (you think about it a lot, your heart feels warm when you see it), a soft voice that could be its own birdsong; that’s how you feel about this girl who you would’ve loved to sit with while Mrs. Libkins read stories to you in some other, distant universe.
Morgan, it takes time, but you fall in love for a fifth time. Five has always been your lucky number. You trust springtime, you let her warmth in. She fills up the cracks of your heart with golden sunlight and you begin to trust again. It takes a long time. Sometimes, you push her away. You worry that she will fall into the patterns of those before her, but she doesn’t. You are safe. You grow up and find love and you find safety.
Feels good to know, doesn’t it? You get bullied in school and the world implodes around you, and you are scared. But you have good friends and the sweetest partner you could have ever dreamed of and a bright mind, always. Things turn out alright.
Now, your life isn’t perfect. It definitely is not perfect. But you learn that perfection doesn’t exist. Mom and Dad still fight and your baby sister grows up and you sit together and wait for the storm to pass; wait for the fight to end.
The tiny, waddling baby that you know becomes a big kid and, my goodness, she is cool. You grow up beside her and you help her all that you can. She’s your best friend in her own way, and she always will be.
You are always curious about the world and that doesn’t end. You have good people who ask about your curiosities and who adore your mind.
Morgan, you are small now, and you are worried about the future. But let me tell you one final time: you will be alright.
You will always end up on the other side, even with a few scars or bruises. You will be alright.
With love and big hugs,
Morgan, thirteen years into the future <3
#a letter to my younger self#but I’ve been thinking about this a lot; aboit what I’d say if I could talk to my younger self#specifically myself when bad things in my life began#Mrs Libkins was the name of my elementary school librarian and she was the warmest and most loving person ever#this is about growing up queer and autistic#not the main focus but a good bit of it#other than her. people’s names are kept private#this is me explaining concepts like trans people and other sorts of people to my kid self#the interesting thing about me is that my first queer crush was on a trans guy before he came out#that’s what ‘the girl he once was’ means. I don’t mean to be offensive-I hope that isn’t offensive#but if it is-I can reword it or change it#this is just me talking about my experiences but I still don’t want to harm anyone /gen
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[ b52 ] how would they describe themselves in as few words as possible? @/Toji 🤭
🐝 * ― 𝑪𝑶𝑪𝑲𝑻𝑨𝑰𝑳 𝑸𝑼𝑰𝒁. ( send one or multiple of these to learn a little more about my muse(s). )
He's the type of guy you'd have to press to do it, and if you manage to not annoy the ever living hell out of him in the process, he'd likely describe himself as a man too tired for anything, but still does shit anyway . If you do annoy him, though, he'll likely just give one-word answers : Diligent . Stubborn . Prideful . That sorta thing .
If you managed to get the real answer out of him, though, he'd describe himself as too fucked up . He's a man too fucked up who fucked up too much . He's desperate . He's remorseful . But he's also wholly selfish, and knows that what he wants he'll probably never get because of that, and of course much more . Again, he's a man who fucked up a lot .
If you really enforce limiting his words, though, and were still getting a legitimate answer, he'd just describe himself as sorry .
#mailbox : letter answered#known mailer : scintillate-stars#💔 ( blog lore )#i'd tag meta but :p#the way i tend to describe him though is a man who very much just wants his kids back in his life#and to have an opportunity for either some closure on it for them or just . a chance to fuckin fix it#it's the one damn thing in his life he wants to fix and it's the one thing in his life that has him describing himself in the ways#i answered above#the other shit he does beyond that is simply habitual and comforting because he'll only do shit he already knows#though now it's just . not at all good always but he can't help that it isn't because all the good shit he had all disappeared#at one point you might've been able to hear him describe himself as changing .#that he was a man striving for change because he found better in life#but now . well .#he's just sorry#can't exactly say that in a few words though and literally none of this answer is a few words but#i have many things to say is all (￣y~￣)╭#also none of this is at all to describe how he feels about like . everything in his life . like#he doesn't regret or feel sorry about all the shit abt gojou and getou and riko#he's family-oriented in the sense that he wants his family to actually be a damn family .#<- megs and miki i mean . since his wives are dead and there's no way in shit he's talkin' about the zen'in's ever#that's why he'd describe himself as selfish though :p he knows having a family likely isn't a reality for him now#let me stop talking though clearly i can't get prompts saying y'all want a few words AKLSDFMS#i swear i don't intentionally go against it it's just hard for me to stop myself 😭😭
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I'm going to lose my fucking mind
#For context: I was going to make a post complaining about how lesbians don't have enough good musical theater duets#(like we have the love songs from 'The Color Purple' which're alright but doesn't match the passion or desperation present in the book imo#'Changing My Major' which is a great love song but doesn't hit that sweet duet spot#'Dance With You' and the last verse of 'You Happened' from The Prom are sweet but the girls barely get to actually sing about each other#Honestly 'Oh Well' from Love In Hate Nation comes closest to what I want but it ends on a bittersweet note unless you see the show live#If only Elphaba and Glinda were canon...#But anyway. I can't believe that there's an adaptation of The Color Purple coming in the year of our lord 2023 and this is#how they're talking about Shug Avery. Her *role model*. Lock up your *husbands*. Ick. Pfaff.#I mean they're going to be gay. You can't get around that. But Shug is the love of her life. Can we please talk about that in the character#Don't mind me I'm just over here overreacting#From what I've read one of the biggest adaptational changes in the musical is her reaction to Shug's affair.#Like in the book Shug is the one light in her life. I sobbed myself to sleep over her nosedive in self-worth when they took a break#In the musical she's just...fine with it? I get why that's more satisfying emotionally but I still think it undermines their relationship#I don't get the curse thing either. I'm a little fuzzier on this part but in the book doesn't she just leave him and she's able to thrive?#Then when he asks her to get back together she's able to just know that the worst with Shug or alone is better than the best with him?#This book man. I hate that there isn't an adaptation as devoted to the Celie/Shug relationship as the book is.#Hate that the only recommendation I've seen calling it a sapphic book was from someone who thought that Celie's letters were to her lover#I remember watching this steamy adaptation of a Shakespeare play in soph Eng and seething because they only kiss once in the 1985 movie#Ig I can't expect too much from 1985 but...it was in the book! It was one of the most important parts! They don't even live together in it!#This was all to say I wast a lesbian 'Green Green Dress' a lesbian 'Home' a lesbian 'Natasha & Anatole' a lesbian Legally Blonde finale#The list goes on#I'm sure The Color Purple (2023) will be a good adaptation and movie. I will not pop blood vessels while watching it.#Maybe I should just avoid press releases and the movie will surprise me in a good way.
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Tainted batch (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#Fine nevermind >:(#It's so weird to be posting vent-adjacent stuff while I'm doing so well currently haha#I started this months ago and have significantly improved my mood since then pfft ♪ I'd hope!#There wasn't anything specific at the time anyway just a thought circling around that I figured Charm would be more affected by#Considering most things for her are heightened in comparison haha <3 She'll get therapy someday#She also deals a lot in sublimation through art! And sometimes that means literally taking the materials and using them elsewhere#Honestly it's pretty cool that she can reconstitute her art :0 Drawing is a little different haha#I hadn't realized it'd been as long as it's been since I last drew Cirrus :0#Oh yeah Cherry Shortcake actually has a first name now lol#A few residents do! If you remember my mention of Aria from a while back - Marshmallow Fluff - I think those are the current three?#Still haven't really pinned down a naming convention haha...I've been thinking about three-letter last names for what feels like forever now#She was also an early contender for Digitally Rendered Resident huh... I could at least stand to name the others that have gotten that lol#So many things I wanna do with her - really want to finish her Biased Narrator fic sometime just dunno how to end it hrmngh#Anyway lol she gets a one-panel cameo and takes over the post pft no! Charm time!#Evil Time Charm time - kicked up her pulse as soon as she remembered#She kinda sorta remembers what happened but more than that remembers the Emotions - feeling Laughed At#And clearly it's [this specific thing]'s fault that she feels foolish! Avoid [this specific thing] and never feel foolish again Guaranteed!*#*Not actually even remotely close to a guarantee lol instead she's just avoiding something that at one point made her feel good#So easy to turn a positive memory into a negative one with just a change of framing huh?#I can't think of anyone in her life who would exploit that fun little feature in her outlook not even one!
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gohan was both videl and sharpner’s bi awakening, and thats why they were like that during the Saiyaman saga
#dbz#gohan#son gohan#videl#videl satan#sharpener#sharpner#they simply could not deal with him being cute#personification of writing him letters telling him to get out of their school#erasa is laughing at both of them#sharpner comes groveling to her for help when he finally figures it out after watching him blow up an arena gives him butterflies#videl on the other hand refuses to prove erasa right but its okay bc she had a life changing field trip
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genuinely do not understand people's preoccupation with the idea that johnny and morrissey's friendship could have at all been long-lasting
#i think it's very clear in johnny's book how it would not have worked out#u can bring up all these quotes from him saying very idealized stuff about how things were going + it probably did feel that way sometimes#but the way morrissey was treating him was not sustainable#the possessivenes and lack of care of everything being placed on johnny's shoulders is not healthy#and given morrissey's letter from last year he obviously hasnt grown up or learned anything and just wants to stay insufferable#honestly people need to just leave johnny alone the way some people talk about him is sincerely awful#idk how some people are falling for these obviously romanticized views of the band and what they were all doing#juxtaposed with the other serious stuff johnny has said was weighing on him during it all and he reached his breaking point and dropped out#for his own health and sanity#because obviously someone else wasnt going to change their behavior#also this idea that bernard/electronic was his 'rebound' or something#can't he have a fun experience in a partnership that while still slightly unhealthy gave him more freedom#and experience that hey. a songwriting partnership can be mutually beneficial#he's a real person not some fanfic character that can move past his issues at the drop of the hat and reconcile#thats not how life works#sorry geez just have to get this off my chest because why are most sm*ths fans like this#dont reblog btw
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'cause my love is mine, all mine
i love, my, my, mine
#mine#song recs#my love mine all mine#mitski#i love this song so so much#my new isha anthem#what is life if not to love love love#people and things may come and go and circumstances may change but my love will always remain the same#its all mine to love keep nurture and cherish#no love is ever wasted#to love or have loved that is enough there is no other pearl to be found in this magical life#watch me write a love letter to love#if i had to describe myself as a song it would be this#and you're beautiful by the rose but thats a topic for another time
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.
(a lot of tmi in the tags, just saying)
#a little vent (that i hope i can phrase well)#idk how to cope with being bi#for most of my life i supposed i like guys bc that was the default but i never had any interest in persuing anyone#letterally my hobbies where the most important thing ever and i didn't need a bf or a gf#then i found out i liked girls and i liked the label lesbian and i didn't havw many problems with it but it was also v lonely#in january of this year i get a crush on a guy and basically many things change and this aforementioned guy disappeared in march and#i'm still heartbroken (i'm basically mourning a relationship that wasn't meant to be in the first place bc of power dynamics)#and now i have a lot of men hitting on me and i hate it (not bc their men but bc of the way they approach) and i'm sex repulsed which is new#and i'm not used to it bc in hs none was interested in me#i just lost weight and now i like doing my hair and makeup#but i'm still the same weird and offputting girl that happens to be also v funny and now pretty#but men don't care about me being funny or other things bc they think with their d*ck (not all men but the men that hit on me)#and in all of this i'm still obsessed with my crush and it's been 8 months and it's probably unhealthy#and i have a lot of other problems not related to sexuality or love life in top of that and they make socializing difficult bc i feel lesser#bc i don't have a degree#what do i do?#emma and her stupid vent
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I actually do have very complex thoughts about many different things, it’s just a bit challenging to connect the inner voice to the outer voice sometimes </3
#random post#I have SO many thoughts and ideas. I love to create and I love to build on what I have and I like to connect to existing things#there is lots of oc lore in my brain! it graces my blog sometimes. not always. it’s hard to put abstract feeling and thought into words#and it’s challenging trying to find the best place to start talking about things yknow? like I as the creator of this whole unique universe#pretty much already know how things end up. how they’re going. how it started. some are easier to know than others. but that doesn’t stop me#from trying create for it. or searching for the missing piece to start the domino effect of development and fulfillment#it’s hard to see where the pieces fit sometimes. but getting a new angle or changing something about the piece can make finding where it#belongs easier. this is what I mean when I say I have very intricate and complicated thoughts. not spending too long writing my sentences or#overthinking them helps to keep things as they are in my head. since I’m not filtering them into something almost unrecognizable#writing a paper in a single sitting in a set time really helps me produce a unified and intricate product. I’ve been told I write well#which I find mildly humorous. I’ve never been a writer by choice really. I’m an artist that works with a physical visual piece rather than#letters that convey meaning. I’m more of a thinker than a writer. but in some instances they’re one in the same. I’m rambling but y’all know#that about me by now I’m sure hahagahaha. yea. my OCD makes me spend too long on words and that’s why I always talk in a short way#a more simplistic way. leaves less room for the mind to pick out flaws if everything is flawed on purpose yknow? haha yea. I like me yknow?#and other people like me too! that will never cease to surprise and amaze me haha. I’m one of those people that has an easier time with#people different from themselves. the people I’ve known and spoke to throughout my life are so very different from me. but they all feel#comfortable to share their experience with me. a lot of these people on paper would be ones I’d try to avoid I guess. differing opinions and#world views yknow? but the way I am. gives people comfort I’ve found. I’m not bragging about that it’s just interesting. it’s the same with#my whole household like we meet people that are like. idk a good descriptor but they’re very set in a specific way. and then we just?? they#like us?? idk it’s just funny to think about my dad getting along with legit crazy people or my mom being the person who’s the favorite of#the least liked / polite person in the office. or my brother and sister being very well liked in their schools but are just average students#who aren’t trying to be more than kind. or when I as myself. with the thoughts and opinions I have. am able to get along with anyone I#come across. I’m really not trying to be bright about that I’m just an. empath? I guess? I’m just very nice to people and meet them at their#level and don’t try steering the conversation to smth bad or controversial. but even then people will still talk to me and like me cus I’m#not putting them down or hating on them for how they think and feel. I listen. I can understand them. not agreeing with their views doesn’t#mean I can’t get why people think or feel how they do. I try to not be biased or entirely antagonist to things different than me#I’ve gone my whole life not understanding a lot of things. and over time I’ve learned them. I go into experiences with people like that#I may not understand yet. but I’ll learn to. that’s probably the main reason why people feel comfortable around me. that and also I have#a smile pretty much always lol. I’m small and non threatening lookin with a single dimple on the cheek and eyes so dark you could see the#faintest light reflected in them. anyways I have gone into several different directions with this and kinda lost the main point I was making
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growing up is like. on a wednesday evening you suddenly understand that sometimes ppl who are bright and curious and full of love for the world go through sth so painful that they withdraw forever and they never get better and they may very possibly never be as well they wish they were again. and you have a cry about it alone at your desk. and then you literally just start cooking dinner
#(not a v happy post i'm sorry!)#had a letter from one of my mum’s friends today where she told me about the adventures she went on in her 20s#and she sounds so unrecognisable to the woman i know. i’ve known her all my life#but in all that time she’s been unhappy and unwell and fragile#this 24 year old who trekked through ao/nz on her own and walked on glaciers and in rainforests? who is that#and it struck me in a weird place bc i’m going through some Thing of some Weight currently where#someone i love very much is probably never going to be ok again but we’re so far apart that there’s like#genuinely nothing at all i can do to help her in any substantial or significant way like i can’t even hold her hand or speak to her#and it’s kind of an undercurrent of life rn so i sporadically cry about it a lot for a night or so#and then i just sort of. go on being in necessary denial.#and i don’t think i understood until now that my mum is on the other side of this experience#that those friends of hers i’ve only ever known as withdrawn and perpetually nervous and unhappy#aren’t That to my mum. they’re people she was young and happy and light with in the 80s#and until sth like that started happening to me w someone i love#i didn’t think about what it must have been like for my mum to watch someone so close to her change and retreat so completely#and now i just kind of. sit with it. like i was a miserable child and young adult and then i turned happy#and sometimes it’s the other way around#and it’s very often not in your power to prevent that so instead of like#keeping that person away from hurt forever like you want to. you just make dinner and that’s all#VERY SORRY FOR WHATEVER THIS IS#has to go somewhere ig!! but before someone gets worried yes i may go to counselling for this lmao. i'm fine i'm v cared for
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I love taituk they’re so funny. they’re simultaneously really cool and capable and. kind of a loser. wet cat of a woman (not actually a woman). a dykefag AND a fagdyke. they can’t tell when people are flirting with them and suaveness is Not in their vocabulary. everyone wants them and they’re involved with quite literally every crew member their age. their reaction to there being “men’s work” and “women’s work” is “I will simply do everything. all of the work.” they’re fine with the concept & reality of death but thinking about killing somebody with their own hands makes them physically ill. they will quite literally heal their enemies so they don’t die. they’re eldestsiblingcore but only see their siblings like. twice a year. they could be stabbed and bleeding out and their only reaction would be “ugh now my favourite jacket will be stained :/”. they don’t know what’s going on at any given moment. they’ve been permanently banned from the ship’s kitchen even though they’re the captain. by god they’re even transgender. they’ve even got long hair
#oc tag#elli rambles#oc rambles#the thing about killing might be subject to change but this is the vibe for now#taituk#the birates#the sibling thing is just. they had to leave their family behind both because of circumstances (drought. sickness. the only way to provide#for their family was to turn to crime and piracy was the best/safest option) and bc of their thirst for adventure. and though they know#they couldn’t (wouldn’t) have done anything differently their biggest regret in life if not being there to watch their siblings grow up#bc as lovely as being able to exchange letters and visit a few times a year is it just isn’t the same y’know :(#me choosing to give them siblings: how shall I hurt them this time#ok truth is that I chose to give them siblings bc I like them and so they couldn’t be an only child#esp bc there already are so many only children on the ship#which now I’m thinking about it oh god are there even any other eldest siblings in the crew#tetsuo maybe? sumiyati is an older sibling I think but not the Eldest probably. maybe tao? that would be Ouch#considering he can never visit or contact them as a fugitive from the ek#wait. I’ve always seen xuan as an only child considering his. Everything. but him being a stereotypical eldest brother like you see in films#(annoying. constantly blasting music at the loudest volume. vaguely alt. etc) would also fit actually#and would hurt considering his backstory (his family dies of an illness and he’s the only one who survives)#the way he’d feel sososo guilty…#anyway. this post was about taituk#conclusion: I LOVE THEM#my babygirl made of dualities <3
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