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gabigabigabby · 11 months

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heyy, could you do an imagine with rúben in which he is the participant reader of the couple question from GQ?

que dupla (what a duo) | r. dias

rúben dias x stones!reader

a/n: u ask and i deliver! my very first rb3 fic so bear with me, i will get the flow of it soon! i have also written something like this with martin øde, so if u wanna check that out, it's here. enjoy ⭐️!

synopsis: you and rúben feature on gq's couples quiz

content/warnings: fluff, shy&giggly!rúben, y/n is a john stones apologist

—

"hi, i'm manchester city and portugal's rúben dias." he introduces himself as the cameras begin rolling.

"i'm y/n stones," you do the same. "we're here with gq today to do the couples quiz."

you had already done your turn, and so now it was rúben's turn. "y/n, where was i born?"

"um..." you hum. "amadora, portugal."

"she's already so good at this," rúben shrugs. "when is my birthday?"

"may 14th," you answer. "one of the greatest days in my life."

"stop, i'm blushing," he wasn't lying. rúben's cheeks flush red as he looks through the next couple questions. "do you know the exact date and year i signed for manchester city?"

"yes, i think," you answer immediately, before having a couple minutes to try and get the date right. "it was in 2020. tough time for the entire world. um, was it september 28th or something?"

"so close baby," rúben grits his teeth. "it was the 29th. greatest thing i've ever done. baby, what's my full name?" he asks the next question.

"oh i know this! rúben dos santos..." you pause.

"rúben dos santos?" rúben repeats, prompting you to continue.

"dos santos... gato. right? and uh... alves dias," you finish. "rúben dos santos gato alves dias. it's a mouthful." you look into the camera.

"yeah, sorry," he giggles. "what is my brother's names?"

your eyes widen at the question. god, you should know this one. "um, ivan."

"ivan, that's right," rúben giggles again. it was music to your ears, if you'd like to be cheesy about it. "what position do i play for city and portugal?"

"you are the rock of both teams. they should know what i mean." you shrug, grinning at rúben.

"i'll take that as a compliment on my body, thank you," rúben raises his brows and licks his lips; something he does when he's proud of something. in this case, his body. "yeah, i'm the brick wall. the defender."

"the best centre-back. after sergio ramos, of course."

"of course," rúben agrees. "before city, which club was i with?"

"benfica," you answer as soon as rúben asks the question. "i'm a proud benfiquista because of this brick wall over here."

"who is my best friend at city and portugal?" rúben asks the next question.

"see, i've talked to rú about this," you begin. "i've asked him this question before, and before he gave me his answer, i told him that if it isn't my brother, then we cannot be together. so your best friend in city is my brother john. your best friend in portugal, that i don't know."

"yes, john is correct. portugal, to be honest... i don't have one. but i'd say maybe cancelo, because we used to play together. or maybe félix. definitely cristiano, of course, although he's really close with pepe." rúben goes on a tangent.

"rú, get straight to the point. who is your best friend at portugal?"

"cancelo and félix, i'll just say that," rúben finally decides. "okay, how tall am i?"

you blow out a breath. "god, i dunno. you're so much taller than me!" your barnsley accent is showing now. "but i know you're about the same height as john. i'm guessing 5'9?"

rúben puts his hand over his heart. "i'm so grateful you think so highly of me, stonesy. i'm 6'1, actually."

"there is no way!" you argue.

"yep, 6'1. maybe you're just short," rúben laughs after receiving a hit to the bicep by you. "okay, babe, last question. rúben dias or john stones?"

"what?!"

"answer the question." rúben was smiling, but from the tone of his voice, he was serious.

"listen, john is my blood. he may be annoyin' but he's still my brother. johnny stones all day!" you answer confidently.

rúben puts the cards down on his lap before crossing his fingers together. "after all we've been through, y/n? you'd still choose that dork?"

"rú, he's my brother! i feel like i'm obligated to say john." you explain.

"he's not here, though- whatever. and with that, we now know that y/n stones doesn't like me more than her dorky brother. i've been rúben dias."

"and i've been y/n stones," you glare playfully at rú. "see you soon."

once the cameras cut, rúben stares into your soul. "i'm telling john about this."

"what's he gonna do? mansplain it to you?" you laugh.

#ruben dias #ruben dias x y/n #ruben dias x reader #ruben dias x you #rb3 #manchester city #manchester city fc #football #football x reader #football x y/n #football x you #portugal

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flashbic · 1 month

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So, as someone who does not have any French or Canadian heritage, what exactly is Cartouche? I haven't heard of it before, but it seems like there's a show and books and stuff, is it fairly popular among french-speaking communities? You've made me curious lol

Ngl i went "nyehehehehehe" out loud when i found out i was being given an excuse to ramble about the thing :D

The short answer is it's a french cartoon from the early 2000s! One season-long, with 26 episodes! And yeah in 2010 they eventually made little books that are based on some eps, and they are very cute! They all have unique artwork because instead of using screenshots from the show they hired an artist to illustrate everything.

Most of the show is sort-of lost media, by which i mean that there are only 5 episodes still available in the original french audio… BUT an arabic dub exists, so I've been going through that with a translation app for funsies in my free time! So to answer your question, no, it's not a well-known show, but to me it's a nostalgic one asfdkg

More rambling about the thing under the cut!

What it's about:

Think Robin Hood in the early 1700s, but in Paris! Specifically, it takes place 2-3 years after Louis XIV's death : the future king is a tiny 7yo kid, and since he can't reign yet, the old king's nephew, Philippe II d'Orléans, is regent. In real life, the regency lasted 8 years, and Philippe d'Orléans is generally now considered by historians to have been An Okay Guy Who Did His Best, but every show needs a villain, so here he's the Prince John to Cartouche's Robin Hood! So the bulk of the show is Cartouche and his lil group of buddies helping out poor people and fighting for justice.

I was always fond of the show, but ngl part of the fun in recent months has been reading up on the time period; it's a unique but very short transition era between two very long reigns, and a lot of stuff actually happened during it! The show has a fun amount of references to real people and events here and there. Makes reading all those History books feel like the Pepe Silvia meme, really

Who are these characters:

Our main character is this dude! Cartouche is your brave hero archetype, but also a bit of a smartass with a penchant for shenanigans. And he's named after a real-life criminal! The actual Cartouche was notably Not Nice, but a lot of people at the time did cheer him on because, well, he stole from and attacked rich people. There are actual books and movies about him that did generally keep the bandit-with-a-heart-of-gold legend alive! Cartoon!Cartouche is even designed after one of the movie versions, where he was played by actor Jean-Paul Belmondo. He's got the same outfit and everything, it's cute :D

Real!Cartouche had his own group of allies called the Cartouchiens, and some of the characters from the show are named after them! The main ones are…

Louis du Châtelet, aka le Lorrain, he's a noble who decided to join the good guys! He's a fancy dude, and notably he used to be a massive jerk, but he got better!

Fleur d'Épine and Galichon! Galichon was sentenced to the galleys and escaped! He's the team dad… and is also Fleur d'Épine's actual adoptive dad. Fleur d'Épine is the youngest of the group and has a whole backstory the show takes time to uncover: she was found by Galichon when she was just a baby! She gets a bunch of episodes about her mysterious family situation...

Freluquet, who is, let's be real, the token kid they added for the show. But he's generally a fun little dude, and very importantly he often relays messages from...

Isabelle d'Entraigues, Philippe d'Orléans's niece! She's not named after a real person, but after a character in the Belmondo Cartouche movie. She's a fave, she's got a temper! She's a spy from the good guys.

And then we have our main villains!

Philippe d'Orléans, the Regent. He's cruel and power-hungry and not above trying to get rid of the young king.But of course, he's not going to get his hands dirty. (The real guy is super interesting! I've been reading up on him a lot!) He has two people doing work for him:

Demachault, the police lieutenant, who is named after a real guy and is doing his best but honestly just sucks at this job, poor guy.

Nero Falconi, who is the Regent's right-hand man. He's the competent one here, but unlike our other villains he's not a noble!! His sad backstory ties with le Lorrain's, but instead of acting angsty about it, he's just seething with rage at all times. I Just Think He's Neat <3 He's the one main character who isn't named after a real person or a movie character!

There are other characters, but these are the main ones! It's a cute show! The references and links to real events are fun to spot, the setting is neat :D

Also Falconi's sad backstory lives in my brain rent-free, despite the flashback being only 60 seconds long. I can't justify that one, it's not that deep, it's just been occupying space in my brain for almost 20 years for some reason

#cartouche prince des faubourgs #characters i didnt mention who are also neat: Isaac de Tolède who is a doctor and also a lil science nerd! he's cute!!#Chien Noir who is the chief of another group of bandits but he's not nice #Mordoc and Brutus who are the two big scary guys who work for Falconi sometimes. they're twins!#la Veuve Richard who is the lady owner of the inn where the Cartouchiens live #learning that Demachault in particular was named after a real dude was A Good Time #bc he so feels like a goofy guy the showrunners would've come up with. but no. he was an actual person

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66sharkteeth · 10 months

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Okay, I'm sorry because I know I already talked about this on webtoon but I am shaking your hand SO HARD for coming up with That name for Bag Girl.

[pepe silvia mode engaged]

Lyss's full name is Elyssabeth, which is derived from Elisabeth. Elisabeth is connected with Isabel/Isabella, or Bell for short if one were so inclined. This is a very cool way to show Bell's connection to Lyss while keeping them as two distinct people.

Also, the idea of choosing a name associated with sweet, pleasant sounds for a mute character who's only recently started coming out of her shell and finding her "voice" (both via becoming more talkative and writing more, and via Rex teaching her sign language so she doesn't have to rely on the notebook as much) and turning out to be such a sweet, lovely lass with so much to say is just really cool. She's not hiding behind a paper bag anymore, she's here and and she's wonderful and she's got things to say!

Also, as some people have pointed out in the comments, possible Beauty and the Beast undertones with her and Rex maybe potentially possibly mayhap.

All in all, I had no idea what name you'd end up giving Baggles, or if she'd even get one in the first place, so Bell was an absolutely delightful surprise that swept me off my feet! It's got such a lovely ring to it and the fact that it was Rex's idea is just... so him. Blank Lyss? Blyss? Bee ell??? Hmm, Bell! That sounds good! Another hit from the guy who named his dog Shnee.

Bottom line: I LOVED this new chapter!

*sips my morning coffee and tries to wake up my brain cells so i can give this a proper response*

So uhhh... I'm happy that her name happened to be so fitting in all the ways you explained...but truthfully I named her exactly how Rex did LOL.

Kind of literally... I think if /I/ had named her, she would have been named something else. In all honesty, I'm not super crazy about the name Bell (tho I'm glad everyone else likes it!). But it wasn't /me/ naming her, it was Rex, so I had to name her something that Rex would come up with, and honestly she's lucky she wasn't named something like Lyss 2 or Shnee 2 or Shnoo. Naming her "Bell" through basically the same means as that Family Guy "Pea... Tear... Griffin" gag is just the only thing that felt on brand for Rex, while still giving her a respectable name.

Fun fact, I also seriously considered naming her Marty, short for Martella. I actually...still kinda prefer that one personally, but I had a feeling it wouldn't be as popular. Also, Bell ended up working out w/ her design bc if you look at her s4 design, it's very intentionally bell shaped!

#city of blank #bag girl #i think i'll still keep her tag as bag girl since that's what it's been for so long

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theartisticintrovert · 1 year

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here's how innocent nikoto truthers can still win

[stumbles in two years late looking like the pepe silva meme] Hello Milgram Fandom. I Am Exceedingly Normal. let me tell you about my Innocent Nikoto theory bc i am going Insane.

first off, so i dont have to type "innocent mikoto" and "violent mikoto" thirty thousand times, im gonna call Main Mikoto (the one who has no clue whats going on) "Mikoto", and Other Mikoto (the short-tempered one that attacked es) "Nikoto". it's the same concept as calling him "Mikotwo", i just think im funny. also i'm running with the assumption that Mikoto has DID, since that's basically been confirmed at this point.

OKAY here we go!

So, I actually first came up with this theory when I listened to Mikoto's trial 1 audio drama, before I actually heard either the MV or the trial 1 verdict. Please keep that in mind, but we're gonna come back to it later.

Basically, the idea is that it was Mikoto, not Nikoto, who committed the murder. It's been established that everyone who's in Milgram has been chosen because they committed a "murder" (for a given definition of murder). Therefore, Mikoto is here because he killed someone, just like everyone else in Milgram.

At this point (Mikoto Trial 1 VD "John Doe"), there's been a few things established on how the whole "Prisoner" system works:

Prisoners of Milgram cannot attack the warden.

If a prisoner attempts to attack the warden, their attack hits an invisible wall and stops midair (shown by Futa in "Braze You!", and again later by Kotoko in "John Doe"). If the prisoner attempts to restrain the warden, their arms will stop halfway and they'll no longer want to (shown by Kazui in "Gouging in the Night").

The warden can attack the prisoner with no repercussions. (This one is less important, but I figured I'd mention it anyway).

Basically, if you're considered a prisoner by whatever standard Milgram uses, congratulations you can't attack, restrain, or otherwise hinder Es. With that in mind, how did Nikoto manage to beat the shit out of Es before getting stopped by Kotoko?

Easy. He's not considered a prisoner of Milgram. If he's not considered a prisoner of Milgram, he's not a murderer. Ergo, it's Mikoto who's the murderer.

"But Tyler!" I hear you shouting. "Nikoto is like super violent! He beat the crap out of Es nearly entirely unprovoked! He definitely could've killed someone!"

Yeah but like. First off, someone is perfectly capable of being violent without being murderous. Case in point, me, hello. Not to mention, DID is usually formed as a protection response against severe childhood trauma. Now, I'm no psychologist, so take everything I say with a large grain of salt, but "murder" isn't usually the best way to protect someone.

Anyway, the other part of this that made this theory start forming was the thought that Mikoto is absolutely putting on a front, you know? Yeah he's like nice, polite, kinda ditzy, but also people are 1) perfectly capable of putting on a front, and 2) he pretty much admitted it himself. To quote Mikoto in the beginning of "John Doe":

"I've been holding on to that thought this whole time, and that was also the reason I tried to get along with the others y'know -- because that'll look better on a TV show, right?!"

He's already basically admitted to putting on a front to make himself look good/appear more palatable to others. (Relatable, masking king, etc.) This in mind, the real question is...what is he hiding? A temper, perhaps?

I actually was discussing this theory with my friend, and they suggested that Mikoto could have developed Nikoto in response to the murder, to continue with his belief that he's a regular guy who did nothing wrong. Basically, the timeline would then go:

Mikoto kills someone -> Panics -> Develops Nikoto and shoves the memories of the murder onto him -> Forgets about the murder -> Goes to Milgram

Luna (my friend) also mentioned that in his interview questions, Mikoto mentions that he "used to be a night owl, but recently started going to bed early". In the MV, the parts that take place during Nikoto's sections of the song all appear to take place at night, implying that Nikoto is actually new. Which raises the question: how the hell did Mikoto make it to 23 without realizing he has DID?

The answer? He didn't, obviously. However, it's perfectly plausible that any other alters he might've had have since gone dormant (due to therapy, distance, etc), and he assumed he was fine now. Then, when the murder happened, his brain hit the panic button and split again, resulting in Nikoto.

This gets even more plausible if Mikoto is the kind of person where, when he gets super pissed, his brain sort of...."whites out" and he loses memory of what he did until he calms down a bit, comes back to his senses, and realizes "Oh Fuck".

This could be what led to the split, especially if he rationalized it as "It wasn't me, it couldn't have been me! If it was me, I'd remember! It had to be someone else!"

Cue the creation of Someone Else. If Nikoto were to be formed in this way, it stands to reason that his purpose (and his trigger) is to protect Mikoto from the idea that he (Mikoto) could've killed someone....which would explain why he came out when Es mentioned the possibility that Mikoto could've forgotten he murdered someone.

Another thing that I didn't actually come up with myself but rather read in the comments of the video is that in the song, the verses (the parts at night) are in a 4/4 time signature, while the chorus (in the broken living room) is in a 3/4 time signature. Keeping this in mind, it's fairly apparent that the 4/4 parts are supposed to be from the POV of Nikoto, while the 3/4 parts are the POV of Mikoto. I don't know enough about music to say much on why this is the case, but it does at least make it fairly easy to tell who's supposed to be "speaking" (ie the lyrics). The comment also mentioned that after the second verse, the song switches to 3/4 and stays there, indicating the rest of the song is about Mikoto, not Nikoto. This, paired with the ending line of "Please tell me it's a mistake, that it's a lie, that I'm right. I'll forgive you if you tell me now" (followed by him punching the viewer in the face), just strengthens my belief of Mikoto knowing Damn Well what he did, if only subconsciously.

So basically the idea is that Nikoto is, despite being violent and short-tempered, completely innocent of the murder. It was Mikoto who actually committed the murder, shoving the memories and blame onto Nikoto after the fact.

Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to the adjustments I had to make after listening to the Trial 1 verdict summary.

Jackalope mentioned that Mikoto is, somehow, immune to Milgram's control. Therefore, the Trial 1 punishment of "rejection" and increased physical restraints don't apply to him, and he's a rogue element. The reason he gave was that since Milgram couldn't account for the soul of Nikoto (+ any other alters Mikoto might have rolling around up there), they can't actually impose the control onto Mikoto.

Now, I don't actually trust Jackalope any further than he could throw me, so I kept chewing on this. Because honestly, the whole "violent alter is actually a murderer" thing is 1) a way overused trope, and 2) are we really doing this in 2022? It's such a cliche that it completely negates the point of this being a mystery, so it feels.....cheap, somehow. After thinking about it for a while, I came up with an alteration.

To recap my thoughts on Mikoto vs Nikoto (since this turned into an essay):

Mikoto: Prisoner of Milgram. The "real" murderer. "Innocent" mask, tries to appear as a nice and nonthreatening person. Susceptible to Milgram's control and all the trials/tribulations that come with being voted guilty.

Nikoto: Here bc he shares a body with Mikoto. Violent, short temper, easily annoyed. A lot ruder/more informal than Mikoto (uses 'zo' endings rather than 'yo', etc). Didn't kill anybody. Possibly formed in response to Mikoto killing somebody. Immune to Milgram's control, immune to the "prisoners cannot attack wardens" rule (both by virtue of him not being a prisoner).

So here's the change: Milgram did manage to impose the Trial 1 punishment on Mikoto.....but not for very long. See, at the end of "John Doe", Mikoto was fronting again (after waking up from being knocked tf out by Kotoko). Sometime between "John Doe" and the Trial 2 commencement notice, the punishments were imposed and Kotoko went around kicking the shit out of the guilty prisoners.

In Mikoto's case, the control held only until Nikoto started fronting again, at which point it slipped. The restraints weakened, allowing Nikoto to break the straps (or at least the ones on his hands) and get rid of the restraints. We know Nikoto started fronting again at some point because when Kotoko attacked, Jackalope said that she and Nikoto ended in a draw. Mikoto, especially now that he refuses to believe he's capable of hurting anybody, has the attack power of a Squishmallow. Nikoto, on the other hand......yeah. Especially since his whole purpose is to protect Mikoto.

As for the mental aspects of the punishment (ie the hallucinations, nightmares, and anxiety caused by the rejection of their thoughts and reasoning), I think it only works if the prisoner knows that someone died due to their actions. I'm basing this on Futa's second voice drama "Baptism in Fire", and his description of what he's felt after being voted guilty.

Basically, he said that it feels like there's countless eyes on him, digging into all his mistakes and sins and bringing up everything he's ever done and lambasting him over it. With that in mind, I think the way it works is that it takes not only what Es decided (and thus their thoughts/the fan discussion) in general, but amps it up to eleven and amplifies the opinions of everyone who voted the person guilty. BUT since Mikoto literally isn't even aware someone died because of him (beyond just. Y'know. What Es told him), it doesn't work because he's able to brush it off as just lies.

I also read (I think on the wiki?) that Mikoto is suffering from headaches, which could be a result of Milgram attempting to impose the rejection punishment on him when he's in control, but since being confronted with the idea of him being a murderer is what triggers Nikoto, it's not actually working.

Anyway I'm an Innocent Nikoto truther, partly for the reasons outlined above and partly because if I were the one in charge of where their characters are going, that's what I'd do lmao. Thanks for reading my massive essay, please feel free to ask me about my brainworms.

#ty talks #milgram project #mikoto kayano #kayano mikoto #mikoto milgram #milgram theory #theory #long post #<- just in case the readmore breaks #milgram spoilers #innocent nikoto theory

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sarahinara · 1 year

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it's like 230am and I've already taken my meds but let's see how coherent I can manage to make this.

first oof omg. okay but the like. conflating of maine and the meta (with sigma & eventually the others) and the meta (without the ais) within fandom is so?? like distressing lmao.

the fandom wiki goes on and on about he was ambitious and conniving and power hungry but I just feel like that's so unfair?

because looking at the leaderboard across seasons nine and ten, I think the main reasons for him climbing the board are due to other people's actions and then like. taking a bullet or twenty to protect the briefcase/carolina during the terrible no-good very-bad heist™, and then once sigma gets involved it sure does seem like he does a lot of whispering in maine's ear. (the whole 'sic him' moment will never not be unsettling asdfghjkl)

BUT! but sigma was supposed to be carolina's and she gives him up so that maine can still communicate with the group but like. a decent majority of them can Already make sense of what he's saying? and sigma obviously has his own agenda like friendo iunno if your interpretation of what maine Means to say is wholly accurate.

I'm gonna get to Washington in a hot minute I just have a lot of feelings ;__; because he's got creativity&ambition via carolina, and then fear and happiness from her too. and then theta was next I think?? then gamma and omega, and finally delta? the order he acquires them in aren't intentional I'm sure but it still has me feeling like the pepe silva meme.

and he has So Many all at once? I mean there's that whole 'oh he was power hungry and that's why he&sigma are scooping all of the ais and tech up' but there's also that like. is it so wrong to want them to all be together? in the scheme of things? do they talk with one another in his head? is it Almost like being part of a team again? when does the mental exertion start to melt his brain and hollow him out into the seemingly single minded Meta? what was it like to suddenly have them all gone again? alone alone alone in his head and he can't even properly use his equipment anymore. absolute bullet in the kneecap no wonder he's so petulant and sassy to wash in s8.

anyways. pfl strong silent aggro tank maine and messy rookie 5ever washington make my heart hurt. they both (wash later, mostly) have that hair trigger tip into sudden sharp violence and Yet that 'my friends are in danger gotta toss myself in front of oncoming bodily harm bc that's how I operate' aspect to them as well. how washington is the only one still sitting in the lecture room while sigma fiddles around with the concept of metastability. like what was That about. those moments in s8 where it's almost back to normal exasperated banter? you can't see it but wash is prolly making exasperated lil bitchfaces all the time?

the whole. whose idea was it to bring the meta back along on the epsilon retrieval quest. his brain is prolly fried and he can't use his armor properly and his more than a little unstable. was it the chairman? surely he must have seen some sort of flaw in sending him back out there. was it washington? insisting that the shell of one of his dear friends needed to tag along with him? was there a trade thrown in there somewhere for maine's sake? would he have wasted away in some unsc prison somewhere if not?

wash knew the meta was likely going to try some nonsense when it came to epsilon (and later beta) and yet!!! and yet they're still a team and duoship weird not quite wary friends again not quite perfectly civil work partners. breaks my HEART!

anyways ;__;

okok putting my thoughts under a read more because this got long LMAO

pre-sigma maine (+wash)

YES justice for pre-sigma maine. when it come to the freelancers and the leaderboard, the only ones who reeeeeally cared about the rankings (that we saw) were carolina, south, and ct. the others mention it at points (york and north had a short convo about it), but they have the most reactions to changes/their placements on the board.

but maine? the guy who just does his job of kicking ass when asked? he’s not the one trying to jump off buildings and compete against his fellow agents (a la carolina after tex shows up), nor does he push himself to perform in the field (a la york after his eye injury). you’re absolutely right that maine probably climbs the leaderboard because he’s just good at what he does.

I think that’s partially why I love the maine+wash duo so much—neither of them played to the project’s machinations of the leaderboard. wash comments so. many. times. about the absurdity of what they’re doing that partnering with maine is probably a breath of fresh air. no-nonsense, you-charge-ahead-I’ll-cover-the-field, oh-right-my-trackers-thanks—they know their strengths, that they’re good, and don’t need a leaderboard to tell them that.

post-sigma maine aka the meta

sigma is absolutely the source of any ambition for power in maine. at this point, the other AIs in use were omega, gamma, delta, and theta; tex probably didn’t talk to anyone about omega, gamma was just sorta odd, delta was calm but logical, and theta was unassumingly cute. maine didn’t have any reason to be overly cautious about sigma when he first got him, and sigma probably kept up pretences during their initial days in order to gain maine’s trust.

and then he has this AI, this piece of hardware wired into his brain and every thought—maybe sigma doesn’t interpret for maine 100% correctly, but he’s able to convince maine that he does. maybe sigma oversteps his boundaries as an AI, and goes down neural pathways he shouldn’t. then, when sigma whispers to maine, how is maine supposed to know if it’s the AI’s thoughts or his own?

I like to think that maybe that’s why he was able to have multiple fragments at once and still function, unlike carolina. whereas eta and iota kept to the AI-designated areas of their freelancer, sigma had such a handle on maine that his want to become human became maine’s as well, because suddenly he realizes that he feels the fragmentation as much as his AI does.

with each fragment he collects, maybe maine feels more whole despite the strain he’s putting on his body. each new voice in his head is like him remembering how to feel—happiness, fear, trust. when they talk to each other, it’s just like any other time he’s rationalized with himself.

this is when maine becomes the meta. when “maine”—everything he was before sigma was implanted—just becomes another fragment of the alpha, desperate for the other pieces that they lost. I don’t think meta is hollow-minded necessarily, but just an amalgamation that transforms maine away from what he once was.

post-meta maine (+wash)

the EMP goes off and it is so quiet.

I think maine is left reeling, still feeling like a fragment despite all biological evidence to the contrary, and doesn’t remember how to be human anymore. his combat abilities are deeply-ingrained muscle memory, but his thoughts? his emotion? the AIs were so intertwined with his mind that every flare of feeling is new and alarming.

then he meets S8 wash, and it only makes it so much worse. because the angry, betrayed man in front of maine is so conflicting with who he remembers, and he doesn’t have the capacity to process that. wash gives him an order and it’s so familiar and maine knows that he should trust wash, that he wouldn’t have hesitated once upon a time, but his mind is broken and all he can focus on is how quiet it is why can’t I trust you why can’t you trust anyone—

why does maine go with wash to search for epsilon? I think they’re both loose ends for freelancer, but neither with any lingering love for the project. wash is tired of it all; maine is a lost man wandering through each day. wash offers his efforts in exchange for his freedom; maine is offered freedom in exchange for his efforts. the chairman pairs them together because the records are clear—they were a good team, and they won’t come anywhere near freelancer after this.

I think if their goal was anything else, if they weren’t dealing with AIs, then maybe wash and maine could’ve come out from their mission a little better for it. his friend is broken but he’s here, and wash learns how to trust again when he feels that white armor pressing against his back in a firefight; his friend is broken but he’s here, and maine finds his own voice again when they’re killing time between objectives. with time, they both feel less alone.

but they were hunting epsilon, and this is maine’s chance to feel whole again, like how he felt when he had the fragments filling his head. there is no downtime, no chance for either of them to heal with their mission looming over their heads. maine might work with wash throughout S8, but when the opportunity presents itself to collect epsilon and beta? the opportunity to be human again?

he never had a choice.

#asked #red vs blue #mainewash #god i'm so.#i have so many thoughts on them #that they could've been happy!! post-pfl!!!!#but instead it was just sad #jafglhjhdfh i am so sad over them

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fuck-yeah-pierrelepew · 19 days

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So obviously you can disagree with my head canon (just don't be a asshole about it), but I kinda want to delve on Trans(male) Pierre for a bit. Keep in mind I tend to be really indecisive with Pierre as a character so this isn't like, concrete info, just me spitballing ideas and stuff.

My idea is that, when Pierre was a little child and had just discovered Pepe's shorts, he vowed to become just like him, what he saw as "debonair" and "gentlemanly", even though he was just a little girl at the time. While his family was confused at first, they did accept his ambition, first by simply changing his name, pronouns, and his presentation, to giving him money so he could fully transition when he became an adult.

In addition, Pierre didn't necessarily align with being just "male", "female", or neither, he kinda just felt like his gender identity and presentation fluctuated depending on how he felt (thus he just decided to identify as a Genderfluid trans man). And BEFORE YOU YELL AT ME, I see Toon culture (as in the culture of the Looney Tunes characters) as being more lenient on gender and the like (that's why Bugs is so comfortable being in drag, because gender non-conformity isn't as taboo as it is in normal society), so when they had offspring, they passed this same attitude, and then they passed it on to their children, and so on and so on.

Sorry for rambling but, like, listen I'm just autistic okay-

#loonatics unleashed #pierre le pew #my content #ramblings #headcanons #trans headcanon #trans hc #long post

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black-klok-youth-pastor · 11 months

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Charles and MMA Theory

Okay, I came up with this theory a while ago (and has been sitting in my drafts collecting dust for months until this point) but haven’t really shared it in that many places. Bare in mind this is also a sort of weird fan theory of a fan theory, that being the popular Dadlacia theory (the one where Salacia is Charles’s biological father in case you don’t know) so feel free to take this with a massive grain of salt, as we gather around the Pepe Silvia board to ask this one question that just clicked one day. That being:

What if Charles Offdensen and the Metal Masked Assassin were half brothers?

Now admittedly both characters are wrapped in mystery, so of course there’s gonna be a lot of fan speculation on both of them, albeit the main smoking gun is that we at least learn MMA’s backstory in Doomstar Requiem (in song form):

“Born and left alone Never knew his mother Who was killed during birth but left him a brother”

This verse seems to suggest that MMA and 216’s father wasn’t in the picture, either by neglect or being absent altogether, essentially leaving 216 to raise MMA by himself (which is particularly messed up since they seem to be a bit close in age). Sure in complete fairness in a sung-through musical like this we don’t have time for every single detail, but the specific word choice intrigues me.

And if you know the basic Dadlacia theory y’know where I’m going with this, mainly the infamous scene in the cold open of Fatherklok where Charles is suspiciously wistful about how it feels to lose the strength of a father’s touch and that his father had strong hands. Now am I saying all fatherless characters in the series are Salacia’s children? Not really. Like for example, I’m kind of skeptical of the fan theory that Salacia is Skwisgaar’s father, if not the real dad of everyone in Dethklok. The Skwisgaar one I can kind of buy even if I have some theories that I think are better but the latter I’m not as fond of since it kind of ruins the point of the found family aspect (honestly the only variant of this theory I can see is the ones involving Salacia only being their father in a past life, like the sort of Kronos figure in the pantheon but we’d be here all day if we dwelled into that).

What I’m getting at is that part of it kind of goes into the “but why?” aspect since by all accounts. After all, Salacia is immortal as far as we can tell so on paper he wouldn’t exactly feel the need to sire children. Short version as I go to my now outdated headcanons post, my sort of theory to that is that he has a plan not unlike Ego from Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 that involves fathering as many children as possible that through trial and error would grant him offspring powerful enough to serve his machinations. Human beings to him are pawns after all, why would his own offspring be different?

Although I freely admit a good chunk of my theorizing has been on the thematic level. The lore of Metalocalypse has taken a lot of influence from various mythology and religions, and what better way to tie into the themes of brotherhood throughout the series than good old sibling rivalry which can be found everywhere from Set and Osiris to Kalervo and Untamo to (of course) Cain and Abel, particularly how one brother more or less (except not really) kills the other.

Although funnily enough, Charles is simultaneously Abel and Seth in this metaphor considering how they didn't even meet each other until after 216's death.

#Metalocalypse spoilers #CW: blood/gore #metalocalypse #dethklok #fan theories #metalocalypse army of the doomstar #army of the doomstar #charles offdensen #charles foster offdensen #metal masked assassin #mr. salacia #salacia #...actually wait...IS THAT WHY SETH (as in Pickles' brother) IS NAMED THE WAY HE IS?!!

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httpiastri · 2 months

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okay so i started writing on a boyfriend!paul blurb for after the race today, but then i deleted it and wrote this instead: a short snippet of a future chapter of the "the way i loved you" fic 😋 pretty short but it's all i can produce rn lol. will likely have some changes when i post the actual chapter. aiming to post the first things from the fic soon !!! hope u enjoy 😚

series masterlist

paul is beaming when you see him stroll back to the paddock after his media duties. his cap is perched on top of his head – the right cap, finally – and his fingers are still tightly wrapped around the neck of his champagne bottle. when he notices you leaning against the doorframe leading into the f2 hospitality, his smile grows even bigger.

you meet him halfway, arms wrapping around his shoulders easily, just like they have so many times before. one of his arms drapes around your waist and he holds you close, a hum vibrating from his chest. "congrats, paul," you tell him. "that was amazing. you were amazing."

"thank you," he says before pausing. then, he lets out a chuckle. "to be honest, i wasn't sure if you would care."

you frown at him when you pull slightly away from him, just enough to look into his eyes. is that what he really thought? that you wouldn't care about his driving? "oh, please. you still mean a lot to me, okay?" your hand moves down to his upper arm, giving it a soft squeeze. "i still consider you to be one of my closest friends."

friends. the word stings like a knife in his heart. it's been months since you broke up, and yet, it still feels like a raw wound.

paul forces a smile. he understands that despite how painful it is, there's something good in it. there's still a place for him in your heart, even if he's forced to share it with someone else.

he pulls you in again, and the hug is even tighter now than before. it's a comforting feeling; you're both at peace, with a good weekend behind you, in the arms of someone so close to you. after everything you've gone through together, but especially everything he has gone through these last few months with the mercedes academy and so on, you're finally through to the other side. "it all worked out in the end, huh?" you ask after a few moments of silence.

"i guess it did." you part from each other to leave that oh-so-familiar gap between you yet again. "will you be celebrating with us tonight? i think pepe had something planned. you know how he is."

you snort. "yeah, i do know. maybe i will." you shift uncomfortably, crossing your arms over your chest as your eyes dart to the ground. "but, um... i'll have to check with..."

you don't even say his name – you don't have to. ollie didn't just have a bad race today; the entire weekend has been so far from everyone's expectations. and if you know him correctly, he will not be in the mood for celebrations tonight.

paul just nods slowly, pressing his lips into a thin line. "right."

the silence that follows is so awkward you can't help but chew on your bottom lip, a tiny sigh escaping through your mouth. he must be hating this, you think – today is supposed to be only a good day for him, he shouldn't have his ex's new relationship pushed up in his face.

"well, i have a debrief to get to," you make up, flashing him a quick smile. "congrats again, paul."

"thank you." he gives you another nod, before turning away and making his way towards the paddock. "pepe will text you!"

and just like that, he's off, and your mind wanders to the thought of actually going out to celebrate. ollie will definitely not join you, though you're not sure why you don't want to go without him. is it because you'd rather stay and comfort him?

or is it because you're scared of what you'll do, or feel, when you're alone with paul for the first time since you broke up?

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apriltearsbringmayfears · 2 years

Note

Love your HC's! Do you think you could do something on how the Main 6 would react to MC being a secret Jedi.

~ The Arcana M6 - Finding out MC is a Jedi ~

// I want to apologize for it being a little short, I don’t know that much about Star Wars so I hope this is okay!! Thank you for the request <3 //

Asra:

He had a feeling, sort of knew before you told him

Is very supportive and definitely won’t tell anyone else

Also very impressed, wants to see if you can combine magic with the Force

Nadia:

She begins to search the library for any information on Jedi’s she can find

Very supportive, you being a Jedi really makes her heart full, she’s proud of you

She really enjoys watching you practice your combat skills with the lightsaber, while she drinks wine

“Excellent form, my love”

Julian:

He’s already confused by magic, this just confuses him more

He’s supportive though

Tries to understand the science behind lightsabers and The Force

Begs you to choke him with the force

Muriel:

He doesn’t have a big response, just shrugs his shoulders

Thinks its cool and leaves it at that

Inanna keeps stealing your lightsaber, she likes to hide it in the hut lmao

Portia:

She’s amazed

Keeps asking you to do cool tricks with your lightsaber

Pepe is mesmerized by the light saber, keeps on wanting to chase it any you use it

Portia has her hold her back so she doesn’t get hurt lol

Lucio:

He’s shocked, never saw it coming

Sort of jealous, keeps asking if he can be a Jedi too

He just wants a lightsaber, a red one lmao

“It would look so good with my outfit, darling”

#the arcana #asra the magician #nadia satrinava #julian devorak #the arcana muriel #portiathearcana #the arcana lucio #jedi #the arcana headcanons

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chidoroki · 10 months

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182 Days of TPN - Day 96

Chapter 96: “Welcome Home”

Due to seeing all the other poachers lying dead on the ground, I don’t think it clicked in my mind the first time reading this chapter that Leuvis wasn’t actually there, but it made a whole lot of sense as to why his body was indeed missing once ch171 was released. The hint that he was still alive was plainly obvious here yet my dumb self still managed to get caught off guard witnessing him return during the final arcs.

Bunker dad deserves so much praise for racing all the way back home to the shelter in just one day. Literally ran non-stop, keeping away from all wild demons chasing him with Emma on his back.

And what an eventful six days it’s been for them.. from the dangerous trip to GP, to Emma getting snatched by poachers, which resulted in Ray going feral as he and Yuugo eventually follow her into the hunting ground where she’s been saving children’s lives left and right until she’s recruited by the GP resistance to partake in a master plan to destroy the place, then eventually taken even further underground where she and Lucas learn more about WM/GP/Lambda/Seven Walls/etc, before preparing for the big battle that actually happens way sooner than originally intended where she and everyone else fight for their damn lives, killing some poachers and scoring some major injuries in the process til Ray and Yuugo finally arrive as much needed backup, though our girl eventually gets stabbed yet continues to fight til Leuvis is defeated, only then does she proceed to totally collapse, but Emma and everyone else still receive enough medical attention to escape GP before it blows up. All that happens in just six days. Was it necessary to give a short version on the last couple arcs? No, but am I still salty over how the second season thought it was a good idea to leave all that out? 100%. Anyways, it’s nice to see all the escapees again. I missed them.

As intimidating and applause worthy as this moment is for Gilda, it’s not exactly the smartest thing since you can’t really blow up the shelter when you and your whole family is still inside, ya know? I do love how it takes Yuugo a brief moment to register what’s happening and how much trouble he could’ve easily been in. He’s been through a very hectic last couple days, I can’t blame him for not remembering her threat right away.

Thankfully any confusion and worry are momentarily pushed aside as they all come together to help save Emma’s life. Again, I dunno exactly how Ray knows such information regarding his family, but if anyone is gonna be a reliable and knowledgeable cheat code, then it’s gonna be him. And I love that for him, just as much as Don and Dominic stepping up with no hesitation. They’re all such good boys. Farewell to the GP outfit as well. It shall be greatly missed.

Kudos to this random lad for suggesting a guard swap because my poor boy has clearly not been getting any sleep with how worried he is over Emma’s condition. Three weeks is a hella long time to be away from someone who’s always been at your side throughout your entire life. Add in the uncertainty of whether she’s be okay or not makes it so much more stressful.

I don’t remember many double spread pages off the top of my head, but this one has gotta be one of my favorites! From the absolutely precious RE moment, to everyone’s tears of joy, their big smiles and the joy and relief they feel in seeing Emma wake up after a good month. Everything here is beyond wholesome!! It also shows us some of the resistance members like Oliver, Zack, Pepe and Sonya who finally managed to recover. Can’t forget about the tiny detail of Emma’s name on the pillow either.

The way she doesn’t question anything about herself or what happened upon first waking up, instead being solely concerned about everyone else’s safety more than anything else.

A long-awaited apology even though he’s so shy admitting it. Lucas probably finds Yuugo’s softer side entertaining to watch the way he’s glancing over too.

I don’t care how long it’s been, I’m still gonna use two u’s for his name. It’s also adorable how the younger kids drew many pictures for Emma while she was asleep to help make her feel better.

Poor girl is completely dumbfounded she’s been asleep for so long. Then we got Ray proving once again why he’s best boy. Now, Sandy’s injuries I can understand, since he lost an eye and got thrashed around by Nous quite a bit, but was Paula really injured that badly to the point where she can’t move? Sure, a spear was thrown at her with great force, but didn’t it just hit her shoulder? And there was a tiny panel of her last chapter where she was getting helped up to move as everyone was preparing to leave GP, but ah whatever. It just surprises me that Emma manages to get herself walking around shortly after waking up despite the brutal injury she received. Still cute that the younger kids drew pictures of Sandy and Paula as well.

Favorite panel/moment:

When Ray realizes how many children Emma helped during her short time at GP, not only because the defeated the poachers and escaped, but from the hunt the day before the battle as well. They all wish she has a swift recovery so they can thank her properly once they arrive home and it’s so sweet how much they all care for her already.

And look at that smile of his! Aaahhh!! He is so damn proud of Emma for everything she’s accomplished.

#the promised neverland #tpn manga #182daysoftpn #chidoroki used chatter

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twstbookclub · 1 year

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Introduction to 🦋

So, I’m the last of the admins for the Twisted Book Club. University life has a chokehold on me recently, but here I am. I’m Cressa and I’m the oldest of the trio—I won’t specify my age. You can call me C or Cress for short! My pronouns are she/her and they/them, but I don’t really mind whatever pronouns you use to refer to me.

I’ve been playing TWST since July, which makes me the admin with the shortest time possible in the fandom. Funny enough, I started playing the game after my birthday. I missed a shot at getting a birthday greeting right off the bat (*insert the pepe crying emote*). I like all the characters in TWST—Sebek included because I just know that boy annoyed a lot of people in the fandom—because of how well-written and in-depth they are. Although, my favorites are Floyd and Malleus. This doesn’t help me at all when my gacha luck is rotten and I’m strictly free-to-play.

I’m okay with writing any genre there is: fluffy, angst, comedy, and a mix of everything else. I usually try to make something original with cliché tropes and other prompts, too. Although, I draw the line at NSFW because I can’t write it and I’m uncomfortable writing it. Like I mentioned before, I’m a university student in a pre-medical program. This means that I’m usually busy, but I try to post something on Saturdays and Sundays whenever I can. My timezone is GMT +8, but I try to follow the CMT timezone just like this page.

With that out of the way, here are some fun facts about me!

Like any other tween in the 2010s, I wrote in Wattpad first. I had a oneshots book that somehow became popular, but I’d rather not go back to it. I dropped Wattpad years ago.

I know four languages, but I could only speak two fluently. I was trying to learn Korean before, but I stopped due to procrastination. I can only read the hangeul characters at this point. The other one? I understood it, but with how off it sounds in my voice, I barely speak it.

I’ve been reading books since I was a kid, and I mostly read fantasy. The only YA novel I genuinely reread is The Hunger Games. I’ll never get tired of it (and I’m Team Peeta all the way even if I’m okay with the idea of Katniss staying single in the end, too).

I’ve played a lot of games that I can’t even list them all here, but I did play Persona 5 Royal, Sonic Mania, Tekken 7, Kingdom Hearts 3, the Ace Attorney trilogy, and more!

Look, I’ve been dipping my toes in a pool of fandoms for years, and I can’t even tell you all of them because I lost track. I’m in the TWST fandom and I’m into anime, games, and a whole lot more. At this point, I’m just a multi-fandom anon who hasn’t taken that plunge yet.

I’ve been writing since I was 10 years old, and I’d like to think that I improved a lot as the years went by.

That’s all I can tell you right now. Like all the admins here, I associate myself with the 🦋 emote so you know it’s me whenever I post a fic or answer an ask. I love talking to anyone, really, so don’t be a stranger! I hope yall enjoy your time here in TBC! 💕

#twistedbookclub #TBC #twstbookclub #introducing post #introduction #intro post #CressaWrites🦋#AdminCressa🦋

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thatndginger · 11 months

Note

4, 5, 6, and 7 for the ship ask game for whichever ship is on your mind at the moment.

( @angsty-prompt-hole )

Ok so I'm currently in the process of expanding my Pepe Silvia wall for War Witch, so I'm gonna go with Mari and Jon from that WIP!

1. Who initiates affection? Why does the other not initiate affection as much?

*giggles in Victorian-era societal norms* These motherfuckers are so repressed it's great. Think Mathew-McFayden-hand-clench-in-Pride-&-Prejudice, scandalous-gloveless-hand-touch, gasping-at-an-exposed-ankle levels. The society these characters exist in has very strict mores around physical interactions and acts of affection - especially in public.

That being said, Mari is usually the one who initiates affection. She's from the 'lower' classes who generally aren't as strict about social mores as the elites, and the environment she was raised in made her much more okay with expressing affection once she's established that she's allowed to do so. Meanwhile, Jon was raised in an orphanage and became a soldier at 17, so he's always been pretty isolated socially. He doesn't really know how to be affectionate.

2. Do they argue often? If so, what do they argue about?

Surprisingly, they don't argue often. It helps that Mari had a healthy respect for Jon's leadership and abilities when they first met, and Jon quickly grew to respect Mari's intelligence and drive. They both understand that the other's strengths tend to be their weaknesses, and will defer to the other's judgement. Mari's book-learning and history knowledge, Jon's wilderness experience and physical prowess. They're actually pretty good complements to each other out in the field this way.

Mari is much more emotionally driven and idealistic than Jon, so that's where most of their arguments happen. She wants to save everyone, help everyone, do the right thing. But Jon has a soldier's life of knowledge that sometimes that's just not possible. They'll butt heads over the most morally correct solution to a problem fairly often. Their arguments are usually short-lived though, and they both feel bad afterwards. The softies.

6. How do they make up/apologize after an argument?

Acts of service and gifts. For Mari, it's how she was raised. She'll fix a loose button on a shirt, or mend a fraying hemline. Bake that one special type of pastry. Small things that she can really pour her affection and remorse into, and that will brighten or ease the recipient's day after they're given.

Jon doesn't really know how to apologize in any other way. His acts tend to be things like gathering water, fixing a broken piece of equipment, brushing down and caring for another's horse. Practical things that are mildly inconvenient, but something he can definitely do. He won't outwardly say he did it or that it was his form of apology, but he won't deny it if asked.

7. How often do they say “I love you”?

Rarely, unless you count the ways it's possible to say "I love you" without actually saying those three words. Mari and Jon have a bit of a 'secret code' that may be somewhat obvious to outsiders if they're paying attention. If you know what to look for, you realize that Mari and Jon say "I love you" a lot. It's like the Princess Bride. "As you wish", you know?

#ask games #mari and jon are so very soft #and so very repressed lol

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dropped-the-soap · 2 years

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The Fight With O’Neill - Some Audio Bits I Find Interesting

Spoilers for chapter 6: Time Well Spent. Please be warned Mr. O’Neill isn’t the most polite man, the text below the cut contains words/threats/curses that contain or imply violence/sexual violence/death.

The Knife & The Pipe

According to the audio files, Vito actually came into the gym with a goddamned pipe in his hand. Or he grabbed it just after entering, which is more probable.

Just after the first Brian’s line we all know - “Just the man I wanted to see” - come these lines:

“That thing ain’t gonna do you no good!”

“I’m gonna shove that pipe up your fucking arse!”

“Tough guy, with a weapon!”

Then, another one we already know: “COME HERE, MARY!” - then comes an attack that presumably knocks the pipe out of Vito’s hands.

Lines go as follow:

“Let’s see how fucking tough you are now!”

“Ain’t so fucking easy with just your hands now, is it?!”

Now, presumably Vito is beating his ass either way, so he is getting angrier.

“Aarrgh, I’m gonna beat you to A PULP!!!”

Probably succeeding. “(laugh) After I’m done with you, I’m gonna lend you to the queers.”

When Vito gets back on his shit and O’Neill finally seems to realize this fight is not as fun, he groans in pain and says: “Okay. I am done fucking around. Now you’re gonna die.”

I suppose this is where he pulls out the knife, as Vito’s next reaction is a self-explanatory and simple: “Shit.”

O’Neill screams: “YOU’RE DEAD!” And probably launches at Vito.

And as we know, he doesn’t succeed. As he wheezes in pain, just before he dies, he lets out a single “... fuck...”

Note: Sounds like he got the knife somewhere else than a neck.

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The Unused Scene You Can Actually Watch

There is a short scene that was cut out you can watch in this video (time: 0:20 - 0:30) where - I suppose again - the line “Get up! I am not done with you!” belongs.

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Pepe’s Reaction to O’Neill’s Death

“Ah shit, you weren’t supposed to KILL him!”

Vito is understandably annoyed: “Hey - it’s not like I had any other choice, alright?!”

Fair enough, Pepe supposes. “Don’t matter now. Come on. We gotta get out of here.”

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Of course, aside from these, there are the lines you get in playable scenes: “My ma’ used to hit harder than that”, “I don’t think so”, “Nice shot, Mary”, “Again, harder!” and others.

Also, the line about “slicing up that pretty face” comes from here, too.

#Brian O'Neill #Vito Scaletta #mafia 2 #m2 #mafia 2 audio files #mafia 2 talk #it was easier to write it down than make a goddamned video #i cannot help but find interesting how o'brian can't let go of the remarks like #you and your boyfriend barbaro are dead #lend you to the queers #that pretty face #this is beyond simple hatred

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the-liminal-place · 2 years

Text

JUST PASSIN' THROUGH

You hold your own.

Can quick-draw

your baby brother's screams

in what some might call waking dreams stuffed

like choux pastry with those nasty little pigtails

you tie too tight with rubber bands (the ones the postman didn't care enough about),

pulling

that fine, fine hair

covered in snot

into stupid gathered fluffy tufts and you laugh

and you laugh

at the way it sprouts it's silly way out from that massive swede

they all call his head.

It's short-lived mirth then drowning in the wet, wet earth of muddy puddles mixed with verses of yet more piss-yellow whines

–Jesus fucking Christ, you're bored–

and, a happy accident,

it happens again.

Mum comes in, steamroller cola fizz-pop bang!

Trouble.

A piglet in muck, right in it, you are.

How it breeds around you, they say.

They're the fucking pigs.

It’s more like bleeding out, you reckon,

gushing out from taps that are your twice-scuffed knees and broken knuckles and too-round stupid, stupid face.

You can even feel it's warmth oozing out your eyes sometimes, your bruised-mauve and claret dripping peepers,

when you know that they're only really watering,

leaking in the east wind,

the freezing cold gusts your big bastard brother makes whenever he passes

you by and literally spits

in your one good eye—oh, no, they're both 20/20. But shit, that's your better side.

Cunt.

So you're off

blazing the trail to Mexico (into the centre of a faux fur shanty town in which you're supposed to grow in,

like a plant,

only the only

water 'round here is the ocean, The Great Dirty Grey, and you're not as prickly as a cactus, not yet, even though you've been practicing. A lot.

And anyway the sun's all wrong).

Fleeing now, you "borrow" your mother's mother's

tiny creamy pearls and string them 'round your stringy neck, a hangman's noose and

not quite right, no, never.

But they’re in lieu of. Something. An honour? A badge. Like, what? Like the one Pat Garrett got? Yeah. Not really real.

Just for show.

The Greatest Show on Earth.

And you've already stolen your father's outdoor smile and that hateful roll of his hazel eyes. Your own eyes, they're blue. Like absolutely nobody else in your family.

You plaster on a sneer, a roughcast pebble-dash you got while reading adult library books way past somebody's bedtime,

when the freight trains pass by slowly.

What a joke.

You don't have words but you guess you'll just impress upon them the hard, hard life you lead, with all of… this. You can pretend you're an apostle, who's to know otherwise?

None of them.

Slamming the door with all these old and new-to-you weapons, nestled low in their makeshift holsters—

and okay, it's not exactly an arsenal but shit, you're only fourteen.

It's not like the war is ending anytime soon.

No fuckin way.

Once clear (road parallel to the main street, you're not an idiot),

you use giant Cook's kitchen matches

to sulpher light the smokes; duty-free ciggies with bright orange filters that the neighbour gave to you just because you took the time to talk to the old dear.

No one else can seem to stand her, honestly. Her own husband only comes by on Wednesdays and Sundays. Never even sees her own kids. We'll, that's what she says.

Whether anybody likes you or not you're on your own sweet way. Kicking

up metal horse dust on your lonesome path to Don Pepe's Saloon

(It's a tacky shot bar. You won't go in, you'll hang around outside and smoke these stinkers as if you're waiting for someone. Flash these new tits you absolutely fucking hate. But so fucking what).

Shiny sneaker spurs

now drag

through the wet sand salt-dirt that settles

on everything, crystalline on

your shrink-wrap skin

your nana's charms

your daddy's grin

your wild, wild desperation

your. Something.

(You're wrong.)

And you lose, again, with your home stuck to your soul like your least favourite flavour of bubble gum.

Fuck.

Off.

There's yet another stray barking in one of forty-three-thousand labyrinthine alleyways and when you stop to stroke it and it gnashes at your hand, you actually find yourself jealous of it.

Ha. That's sad.

And. It's not as if if you're not trying.

You do try.

You really fucking try,

it's just.

All so fucking WANK.

Tripe.

Tripe butties dipped in dog shit gravy.

Man , you don't even know what it is that's so fucking awful.

What the fuck is that about?

You sometimes find yourself wishing God were real.

Wowee.

That’s how fucking bad it is.

Sighing now, a song, long and loud with a drawn-out chorus, just like the real people never do, you start to take only half-lungfuls of the Good Sea-Air.

You're saving up

for your real life.

For what's to come.

You walk on.

Right past the harrowing saloon.

Fuck it. Fuck that.

Because it's not as if you're here to stay

anyway.

No real friends to make like hay bails used to climb to the top shelf in the big barn to hide away from your pious Pa and his rusty pitchfork.

Your name's not Backwater Sal. Or Tommy "Tuck" Tucker.

You, you're just passin' through.

A drifter.

Cowboy in a town with no damn prairies. Hell (well, almost).

And, again, you find yourself back

at the Big Drink you always say you hate.

What a fucking joke.

You twirl your one key on twelve keyrings,

shit slinger.

“It's almost High-noon”

you chant like crazy under your partial breath on your way out

to your way out,

the coming tide,

to the arse-end of Nofuckingwhere.

You fuckin wish.

#poems #poetry #poets of tumblr #just passin' through #coming of age #trans #transmasc #trans poetry #trans poet #cw body dysmorphia #tw suicide ideation #liminal words #the liminal place

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