you know ur in for it when the seasonal depression starts sounding like drugstore perfume on repeat

Destiel Trope Collection Day 25: Slow Burn

The difference between living and existing (WIP) | @lucy-is-alive

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 6052 Main Tags/Warnings: John Winchester's A+ parenting, College AU, Sexuality crisis, PTSD, Childhood trauma, Recreational drug use, Angst and hurt/comfort Summary: As soon as he got the chance, Dean left his father behind and went to college. However, he never anticipated that the absence of the person who had disrupted his entire life would make it worse. With the help of his friends, he tries to navigate through the emotional hurricane that comes with complex PTSD.

Celestial | @deservetobesaved

Rating: Mature Word Count: 10585 Main Tags/Warnings: slow burn, mutual pining, fluff, emotional affair, bottom!dean Summary: Dean is in a less than stellar marriage, but he assumes things will work themselves out. At the same time, Mr. Castiel Novak becomes his new co-worker at school and Dean has to rethink everything he thought he had figured out.

Welcome to the Badlands (WIP) | @cr-noble-writes

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 15386 Main Tags/Warnings: graphic violence, dystopian au, fusion, into the badlands au, slow burn Summary: The wars were so long ago, nobody even remembers. Darkness and fear ruled until the time of the Barons, seven men and women who forged order out of the chaos. People flocked to them for protection. That protection became servitude. They banished guns and trained armies of lethal fighters they called Clippers. This world is built on blood. Nobody is innocent here. Welcome to the Badlands.

Profound Kisses | @verobatto-angelxhunter

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 20700 Main Tags/Warnings: Destiel, post 8x07 canon divergent, mutual pining, explicit sexual content, angst with a happy ending, clueless! Castiel, pining!Dean, Top!Dean, Bottom!Cas, slow burn, love confessions, first kiss, french kiss, Sammy knows. Summary: Dean knows he's screwed. He discovers he is in love with Castiel in Purgatory, and now he can't even have the angel in front of him, because he knows it's a one sided love. It’s Valentine's day and Dean tries very hard to hook up as always, but he can't get Cas out of his mind. So he drives back to the motel, drunk, and he finds Castiel trying to help him. Then, when Dean asks Castiel for some experimental kisses and the angel accepts, Dean starts a very dangerous game… finding in Castiel's kisses the most delicious experiences, but also, his own perdition. Will Castiel fall in love with him? Or will he stay emotionless as always?

Hate me, but love me too | @notfunnydean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 23310 Main Tags/Warnings: Virgin!Dean,f hate spell, hate curse, younger!dean, older!sam, Grace Sharing, First Kiss, First Time, Hate Sex, Dubious Consent, Mildly Dubious Consent, Cas is cursed, (not really MCD but Cas isn't alive in the beginning), Castiel has sex with somebody else in the beginning(and Dean sees it), Heartbreakbut I will fix it! Summary: Dean’s whole life changes when his mother tells him that John isn’t his biological father and he needs to save the world from his sibling Adam, who is the King of Hell. But he can’t do that alone, he needs the best Hunter earth had, Castiel Novak.

Starstruck (WIP) | @peanutbutterjelly-pie

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 40860 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe, Fluff, Slow Burn, Actor Dean, Single Parent Castiel, Pining Summary: From the outside Castiel Novak looks like a regular guy: a good job, two teenage kids, a nice house and a crappy car he’s way too attached to. But there’s one thing no one knows about him: that, over twenty years ago, he used to live next to no other than Dean Winchester – back then a brash and loud-mouthed boy and nowadays a huge movie star and Hollywood’s sweetheart. Castiel never bothered to tell anyone about his childhood friend because frankly, who would believe him? Probably even Dean himself already forgot about his former awkward and weird neighbor, so Castiel seriously doesn’t see any point in mentioning the whole thing ever. But then an interview on national TV happens where Dean reveals way more about his past than ever before … and Castiel - as well as the rest of the world - suddenly realizes that he left a much bigger impact on Dean’s life than he originally thought.

Letter to Dean Winchester (WIP) | @castielsangel-blade

Rating: Mature Word Count: 44182 Main Tags/Warnings: Past Lisa/Dean, Past Aaron/Dean, Past Castiel/Dean, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Mentions of Past Cheating, Mentions of Past Toxic Relationship, Gray Romantic Castiel, Asexual Castiel, Epistolary, Bisexual Dean Summary: Castiel writes and sends a letter to Dean Winchester. He wants closure for the toxic relationship they had in high school.

Falling Apart | @cr-noble-writes

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 49204 Main Tags/Warnings: minor character death, sam deceased when fic starts, alcoholism, drug misuse, addiction, rehab au, soulmate au, flashbacks, ptsd Summary: Sword & Cross Resident Rehabilitation is a last-ditch effort for Dean Winchester to move past the drug and drinking problems he developed to bury his guilt over the fire that killed his brother. Not to mention the wild visions and smoky, sentient shadows that have plagued him his entire life. It's supposed to be the best Savannah has to offer, but one look at the crumbling tile floors and dangling crown mouldings, and Dean has his doubts. Enter Castiel Novak. He’s rude, aloof, and a total dick from the moment they lay eyes on each other but Dean can’t help but feel a mysterious connection to the man. Maybe he really has lost his mind. But when Castiel starts making appearances in Dean’s vivid visions of the past, he knows there is more to their link than meets the eye. Even if Cas keeps telling him otherwise. It seems everyone at Sword & Cross knows what’s going on except for Dean. Trying to conquer his mountain of guilt and doubt and figure out the connection he is certain he shares with Castiel is only made harder by the “accidents” that seem to follow him. Not to mention his attraction to Gadreel. Whatever secret Castiel is trying so hard to keep, Dean knows he has to uncover it.

Will you be my ten inch hero? | @notfunnydean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 57468 Main Tags/Warnings: Bullying, Homophobic Language, Abusive John Winchester, Canon-Typical Violence, Smut, giving a baby to adoption (not between Destiel), Rape/Non-con Elements, John kicked Dean out, Virgin!Dean, surprise guest appereance, Minor Crowley (Supernatural)/Bobby Singer, Minor Charlie Bradbury/Jo Harvelle, Minor Rowena MacLeod/Gabriel, two surprise pairings, not Ketch or Mick Davies friendly Summary: When John Winchester kicks Dean out, after he saw him kissing another boy, and Dean sees that Sam has a perfect life at Stanford without him, Dean starts a new life in Santa Cruz. He works at a tiny shop as a cook, has found some friends there, and is overall happy enough. That changes when Castiel comes into his shop and his Co-worker Azara, who has a different man every night, starts flirting with him right in front of Dean. Not that he would be jealous or anything, but there is something about Castiel that makes him weak in the knees. Only that Castiel would never want him back, right?

Roll With It | @saltnhalo

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 72818 Main Tags/Warnings: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Boss/Employee Relationship, Secretary Dean, Alternate Universe - Not Hunters, The Proposal AU, Alternate Universe, Romantic Comedy, Romance, Editor Castiel, Fluff and Angst, Sam Winchester at Stanford, POV Alternating, Geek Dean, Russian Castiel, Sharing a Bed, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Top Castiel, Bottom Dean, Misunderstandings, Tattooed Castiel, Love Confessions, Slow Burn Summary: For two years, Dean’s been slaving away beneath his boss – many label him a secretary, but he fucking hates that and feels like it only applies to someone wearing a pencil skirt, so he insists on his title of Executive Assistant. And for what? In the vain hope that one day he’ll manage to become an editor for Sandover Publishing, and that he’ll see the manuscript that he’s slaved over since college finally realized in print. That’s the dream, anyway. Right now, he’s fucking late. Dean wants to be an editor. Castiel just wants to stay in the country. ‘The Proposal’ – as you’ve never seen it before.

When the Magnolias bloom (WIP) | @flurryflair

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 92951 Main Tags/Warnings: slow burn, angst with a happy ending, mutual pining, human!Castiel, divorce, infidelity, middle aged destiel, explicit sexual content, top Castiel/bottom Dean Winchester, top Dean Winchester/bottom Castiel, POV alternating, unresolved sexual tension, denial of feelings, porn with feelings, anxiety attacks, manipulative relationship, unhealthy coping mechanisms, canon-typical violence, case fic, bisexual!Dean, demisexual!Castiel, semi-canon, minor Castiel/OMC, minor Dean Winchester/Lisa Braeden Summary: It's been ten years since the Apocalypse. Ten years without talking, without knowing one another. Castiel has a company to handle and a wedding to plan, Dean has a broken marriage and a decision to make. They have separate lives, lovers and families of their own, they aren't supposed to meet again, to mess it all up. And yet they do, when they least expect it, and maybe when they most need it. A story about second chances, about hope and resilience, and a love that feels both doomed and inevitable.

Unsung Melody (WIP) | @toomanyships-sendhelp

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 177617 Main Tags/Warnings: Canon Character Death, AU Slaves, Slow Burn Summary: Dean runs a busy bar and grill in Lebanon, Kansas. Semi-retired from hunting, he'll still catch a case when one blows his way or the urge to hunt strikes him again. It isnt until a case that opened decades ago claims another victim and Dean has to get back in the game a little more than he expected.

inidan american (desi) logan

a sequel to this post because people asked for more and i decided that they shall receive (and also i love writing these)

fair warning, logans a bitter kid, and this isnt as positive and happy as romans post. ive experienced two different ways of being desi, one where i lived in fully asian and indian community and didnt even think id ever feel alone, and another where i moved to a place where i havent met another desi in like 7 years of living here in a 3 hour driving radius. in romans post i played into my first experience and how at home i felt. in the second experience, the one im in right now, i am much more bitter about who i am and not really knowing anyone who gets it anymore. so i play into that A LOT in this. so keep that in mind. (and he will get happier in a future part. m planning on making this into a series)

ok so first off. his name is logan sanders. people (mostly other indians) dont believe him when he tells them. he tells them they dont know indian history. they say they do. he tells them that the british fucked around (quite literally) in india for four centuries so of course english names would stick with that precise wording

sometimes when he’s annoyed enough and doesnt want to explain this for the millionth he defends himself with this russel peters skit (watch it, it’s hilarious) because it describes his family. to a T. 

he grew up in a community with not very many asians, and knew no indians outside his family so he felt a sort of disconnect to his culture

while his grandparents and parents would teach him about indian culture, he felt so distant from it since he knew no one outside his family who was indian, and since he didnt have any siblings or any nearby cousins to hang around with

he had visited india once but he was too young to remember it properly or too remember his cousins

the closest mandir was an hour away so that also limited the amount of indian kids/people he knew

he barely knew hindi because everyone in his family spoke english, especially in public

he felt guilty over the disconnect he felt and would always try to bridge it but would never accomplish this because it he kept losing passion since he rarely saw other people like him in the real world and in the media and he didnt see the point of trying

this all changed in eight grade when he moved next door to the Kumar family in a north indian street of some south asian blocks in an asian community

when his family first moved, the Kumar family invited the Sanders over to welcome them

it turns out the Kumar’s had a son who was the same age as logan

“hi logan! im rohan kumar! but i like going by roman instead of rohan!” 

this introduction pissed logan off 

he was seething because why would this kid who got to have an indian first AND last name change his name to an english one! why didnt he see the value of his name!

he knew right away that such a difference meant they could never be friends 

“im logan sanders, but thats all youll get to know about me because i see no use associating myself with someone as... well, ignorant, as you”

roman decides to whip out one of the swears his cousins taught him and whisper shouts “who are you calling ignorant, bhenchod?” 

 it became clear to him that this was new turf, and people on this new turf must be speaking hindi. and that he was the ignorant one if he couldnt talk in hindi. he made a vow to learn it as fast as he could to make sure this roman kid wasnt better than him

but, logan grits his teeth and says “you, and i know it must be true because you were too dumb to understand me the first time”

this evidently struck a sore spot in roman because he didnt fight back but just stalked away. logan smiled slightly, happy to have won that argument

logan asks his grandpa to teach him hindi and his grandpa gets super excited

they start lessons immediately and despite barely hearing it growing up, it’s as if his brain was made for this because he picks the language up amazingly fast and in a months time, while not able to speak back yet, he can understand most casual conversation

his first diwali in basically little india is the most magical thing ever

diwali at his old home was very quiet because there wasnt anyone around to celebrate with

everyone is so happy in this new home however. everyone is dressed up and all the houses are lit up and there are diyas everywhere and he doesnt want to admit it but the kumar’s have the best rangoli on the street and it’s because of roman and he knows roman did it because sometimes he’d stare out of his bedroom window while doing homework and have a perfect view of roman delicately working on it for two weeks

(the kumar’s front porch had been covered with tarp waiting for diwali to make sure romans precious rangoli wasnt stepped on or ruined. when it’s finally let up, everywhere where there could be art, there is. it’s insane how good at colors roman is, logan thinks)

diwali morning: 

he fights his parents because he doesnt want to miss school for diwali because americans dont have a day off for it. his parents set the clocks in the house ahead to make him think he overslept so he would skip school. (logan didnt know that his parents had submitted an excused absence form for religious reasons and that the school was very understanding. he thought it would be like his old school where he wouldnteven bother trying since he wasnt christain and the school was lkinda discriminatory)

they spend the morning in mandir and it’s nice. for once he doesnt feel different from his peers because he goes to mandir and not church or synagogue. he feels at home.

diwali afternoon:

the afternoon is spent with frantic cleaning and cooking and digging around for the diya’s that were still in boxes, packed away from when they moved

logan offered to find them all to continue with a diya science experiment he started two years prior. his theory was that the diya’s were multiplying and there were more each year despite no one buying anymore

this held true, because even though he could only find half of their diya collection, it was somehow more than the entire diya collection of two years prior. 

diwali evening:

theres a big potluck and everyone in the neighborhood is out talking to each other, looking at the decorations at everyones houses, eating samosas, and playing with sparklers. 

logan feels content

he makes a new resolve to learn more about hinduism. if this is what ti was supposed to be, then he never wanted to be away from hinduism. 

he looked at the metaphors and symbolism in everything and finally understood what his dad meant he told logan that hinduism is just science written in poetry and that string theory is written in the ancient texts

middle school in this new town is so much better than middle school in his old home. why?

a. doesnt get bullied for being a nerd

b. doesnt get called gay slurs 

c. the classes are harder 

d. much less racism

e. all of the above

soon enough, logans asking his grandpa to teach him how to cook Indian food

Logan spends the day burning dosas and making lopsided rotis

(eventually he gets the hang of it, and a he'll be cooking food for an infuriating Indian boy ;) ;) psst it's roman)

Speaking of boys

Coming out isn't an option for logan

He knows that his parents arent really religious enough to really look into hinduism and see that no, gays are not bad

But they are traditional and conservative enough to be homophobic

not homophobic as in spewing hate with the westboro baptist church at a pride parade

But homophobic as in "the gays are fine as long as they don't do it in front of me" kinda thing

So Logan stays quiet

the closet kinda sucks but i mean what can he do

it’s safer inside, and he as illogical as wishing is, he wishes that people would use their brains and realize there’s nothing wrong with gay

anyway

in school logan makes his first desi friend, who was dubbed as anxiety years ago and cant seem to get rid of the nickname and now has a whole complex about his name so logan doesnt know his name

logan and anxiety meet in the school library: logan studying and anxiety hiding

people dont like anxiety

especially non-indian kids

surprise surprise it’s an old buddy called racism, but anxiety’s story is for another time

(but even though no one really likes anxiety, whenever racist shit goes down, it has to go through roman)

so logan and anxiety become fast friends

and they make fun of roman (a+ bonding)

logan claims that roman is a hypocrite for changing his name to an english one while being so immersed in indian culture

anxiety doesnt dispute this, but says he has a past with roman

a past that involved getting stuck with the name anxiety

again, another story for another time

one day, when logan and anxiety are eating lunch they see roman destroy some homophobes who throw around the word f*g and keep calling caitlyn jenner, bruce jenner

logans chest surges

he’s all like “what?? emotions?? pride at roman?? is he better than me for being so open and standing up for what he believes in??”

gay panic basically

but logan masked it well and pushed it away

the next day roman comes to school with a pride patch on his jean jacket

logan feels like he cant breathe

logan is supremely jealous of roman.

he can be gay in peace

he can pretend not to be indian in a way that benefits him

and he’s not affected by stereotypes in the same way?? like what does this kid not have

and by stereotypes i mean

roman is the complete opposite of all indian and desi stereotypes: loud, flamboyant, theatrical

logan’s personality is exactly how the stereotypes are. he’s nerdy and likes science and math and it seems like he cant escape the stereotypes. they follow him. and he feels guilty that he likes science and math and is nerdy. 

as illogical as it is, he wishes he was different from how he is

but logan later learns that there are more than just his perspective on being desi and that every desi kid growing up faces challenges about it that are different than his, causing them to experience being desi differently

and logan will accept that, in another story at another time

for now, he’s just bitter. and as illogical as it is, he wishes the world was better

and now, i shall tag some people who asked to be tagged and some other desi’s who loved this because i feel like you guys might appreciate this too. also i love u. desi famders squad up.

@sssixeyedrunt @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @caterpiller-tea @xxxbladeangelxxx @snufflesthegrim227 @cloudchaser7 @thelowlysatsuma 

Update:

It’s been two weeks. Here’s what I see:

There’s still no electricity pretty much anywhere. Some hospitals have it, but very few of them, and most all in the east, in the metro area. Some areas of the west have it too, but by no means a significant portion of the population. People are dying because there’s no electricity to run medical machinery with. Most hospitals that are working are using diesel-powered generators that were never meant to be running 24/7 so some are starting to break down.

There’s very poor or no cellphone signal. I’m lucky I have some, but it’s slow to the point I can’t actually call anyone most of the time, and text messages take ages to send. People are coming from far away areas of the island to the few places that do have cell signal. People are stopping in the middle of the highways to catch some signal, in an attempt to be able to tell their loved ones that they are okay.*

They say half the people have running water now. I would like to know where the fuck. Most people I’ve asked, most people I’ve heard talking or seen posting habe no running water or- if, like me, they’re lucky- have it at unpredictable moments. We had water in my house last monday, then a couple days later for about 45min, then yesterday for 2 days. Always low pressure, to the point that to do anything with it, you need to wait for a bucket to fill. We have no water right now. Supposedly the interruptions would be scheduled for every 24 hours, but this has not been the case. Right now, I don’t know for how long we’ll have no water. There are entire towns that have not had water service back at all, especially mountain towns (most of our towns, actually) that only just now are beginning to be able to clear out roads leading into and out of town.

People are stealing fuel from cars, power generators… you name it. They don’t care about anything except cash money and fuel. If they find water and food, they’ll take that too. But I’m talking: people have legit left behind iPads in favor of taking with them $20 cash and a tankfull of fuel.

There’s no ice. That’s fine when it’s rainy like the past 2-3 days, but when it isn’t? People can die from heat too, particularly because there’s very little water to hydrate with. Even if there were ice, there’s no power to run a freezer with, so you can’t keep it cold for long.

The governor lifted the prohibition on the sale of alcohol and made it illegal for gas stations to limit how much fuel you buy at once (so that now people have to be allowed to fill their car’s gas tank all the way up if they wanna). This has helped reduce the lines to about 2hr long in some places, when it used to take the entire day. The sale of alcohol helps move the economy and helps people chill out for a bit- literally and metaphorically.

Some schools are opening again, but very few, and I don’t know that attendance will be particularly great nowadays.

The UPR (our public university system) hasn’t given a start date for resuming classes again. At this point, half the campuses have been incommunicated. The ones we do know of aren’t doing very well in terms of damage to property.

We’ve heard very little of the west of the island.

Very few local AM and FM stations work, only one local tv station works (channel 2) as far as I know.

Very few people have wifi. I don’t have wifi; I’m posting this with my phone’s mobile network- hoping it posts at all.

Curfew is 9pm-5am. Anyone outside past then can get arrested. Some exceptions are made, such as emergency personnel, people working in food and water distribution, telecomm, and similarly important tasks.

People are stuck at the airports. The international one that everyone normally leaves and arrives at is handling very few flights per day (dont know how many it is now, but it used to be 10 per day) and many flights are military or relief cargo. Last I heard, no international flights were scheduled. Don’t know if that has changed. Prices for tickets to Florida went up from $300 the round trip to $2000. Many flights are getting cancelled. People want to leave, but we’re pretty much stuck here.

As far as destruction goes: trees are leafless or torn down, to the point where I don’t recognize the landscape anymore. It looks like when trees shed their leaves for winter, coupled with how a fire makes them collapse or break. I don’t know how else to describe it. I can see things now that I have never seen before because trees blocked their view, and it feels so wrong. Many places flooded. The images on tv that I imagine y'all saw (because we’ve had very few pictures from around here, much less video, except on facebook for those who can login and what’s on tv, which isnt much) are of places that have poor construction or built in areas where it is forbidden due to the flood hazard. That’s why you see houses filled all the way with water. But everywhere else, places that have never been flooded did get flooded, and the water has caused giant mudslides in mountain towns, to the point where people have been unable to get out of their houses and help cannot get to them because everything’s blocked. In addition to that, most structures with zinc roof lost their roof in the storm, wooden structures collapsed, but concrete houses held up pretty good as far as I’ve been able to see. (I, thankfully, live in a concrete house.) El Yunque is destroyed. Most mountains are gray and leafless now, but the people near them, like me, are grateful that they blocked the winds some.

Distribution of stuff in the ports is beginning, I think. We’ve seem gas trucks driving around and delivering to gas stations. The aid you’re sending is in Puerto Rico, it’s just not being properly distributed or is hard to distribute due to the state of things.

You can mail stuff to people directly because some post offices are open, but there’s no delivery to houses so the person you mailed to has to go to the post office to pick up the package.

Trump is supposedly gonna come to the island today. Uh…. well then. Dude should know we need the cabotage laws lifted for more than just 10 days for it to be helpful at all, and he should send the help we need rather than send a minimal amount, late, and blaming us for everything. We’re not lazy, man. Everyone I’ve seen or heard of has helped to pick up from the disaster in one way or another. We also have no use for that golf trophy, so keep it.

Seriously, at this point, we don’t care who or where aid comes from. We just need it to come here. We also need help rebuilding the power grid, which is down completely. Like… I’m talking even concrete poles that carry big power lines fell to the ground and broke like they’re made of cookies or something. The 6 months without power estimate is believable. I can see it being longer than that in some places, even.

Editing this in: There's also been a rise in the suicide and murder rates. Additionally, it seems the death toll from the hurricane is being underreported by the government. People are saying hospital morgues are full. People are burying loved ones in their backyards due to lack of resources for proper burials.

We are US citizens. This is US territory. We matter, dammit, please hear us.

*Okay means not dead. For me, because I’m lucky, it means I also have a roof to sleep under and food and water for a couple of days, plus access to supplies when we start running out of them. For many people, it is not so.

Also im sick of obnoxious japanese eaters

Things ive found out are myths here

1) everyones nice.

No. Everyone smiles hard to cover up whatever assholery theyre doing - if theyre supposed to be nice to you. Public people are the same as usual... except theres alot more shoving

2) everything about school

They don’t pay for school. Its free. Just like ours. Except private school. Just like ours

They are not MORE overworked in school nor do they study more. Their rules are much loser. And just like the states, teachers have no real authority- but unlike the states - the students do not fear repercussions. They can be touched though but thats more because japanese people think its fine to touch each other a lot - ya know. Just dont hug as an adult - but all other invading of some kind of private bubble is fine

3) SLURPING No thats not just a “it shows you love the food!” Bs. Just like the states, the people you hear disgustingly slurping just eat loud and are gross... imo... people here dont seem to think its gross but far more people eat like civilized humans and dont slurp everything from solids to actual liquids.

K like every time the past two days ive had to be near people slurping their fucking food and as a person who HATES hearing people eat... its why im bitching here. LETTUCE DOES NOT NEED SLURPED

4) just anything they call “culture” they used a pretty word to cover for “thats just the dumb thing we do here” its literally like if we said aggressively speed driving and cutting people off is new yorkers culture

Japan has a lot of history and traditions. But mostly they have a lot of bs that theyre just too stubborn to acknowledge and change so they lable it culture. Any changes they make are pretty much like when my great grandmother got a cell phone.

She only turned it on to charge it and make a phone call - leave a voicemail saying that she called - and then would turn it back off. It wasnt ever even on long enough for her to need to charge it.

But in her mind no one could complain that she didnt have one. And the only emergency in her mind was her needing to call you - not vice versa. She wouldnt use it for any other purpose and generally resented its existence. She hated watching anyone else use their cell phones to check the time or take pictures or play games or have lenthy conversations.

Yea. Thats basiclly japan with everything new. They have it. But they dont use it , and its possibilities scare them so the old ppl say its not allowed to be used unless the old people need to use it

Sorry man i hate everywhere i am. My aparment is next to a bar that looks permanently closed during the day. I had no clue it was there till after i moved in and the loud karaoke blared into my window every damn night

My train line is a nightmare and if you wanna see the worst japanese people can be. Ride the train during rush hours

My post office is far away and they refuse to ring my doorbell when i have a delivery and instead just leave slip - if you dont hike over in their made up time period they throw your stuff away

No one will actually help you with serious stuff. They just smile and say sorry and run away — customer service. Yea. Not customer service. They could just as easily be a manican with a smiley face - itd serve the same purpose.

Theres too much paperwork constantly all the time about everything

Nothing is online

Another thing that prompted me for this “this is japanese chocolate”

Cool. I got that its japanese. Im in japan. Everything people point out for me “its japanese____” fucking imagine if we felt the need to point out every damn item as “american” in the states. Why? What is the meaning of this?

They gave me a table to sit at at this school. A table. That they make lunch on and put all their supplies on. A dude just kicked my chair as he came over for some shit. Why am i sitting at a table? Very very few japanese people ive worked with dont make me feel like an adopted pet dog that theyre not sure if itll bite. Dog. Not new person. They literlly have the children fetch me...

And ive grown so so very tired of being asked questions with the intention of having me overhype japan while maintaining that im so stupid that i know absolutely nothing about the country

98% of japanese people assume that you think of japan like youve never even heard of their country before arriving and that you just arrived two days ago

Also. Maybe they think their test scores and clases are so much more difficult because they cant seem to fathom that most other countries schools function the same way as theirs

Yesterday a teacher said “ah theyre so overworked. They have alot to remember” i thought she was about to tell me how many units were on their exam or something... no “english, japanese, science, math, history, pe, food class, art! Too many things. Theyre very overworked”

..... are you for real? Im pretty sure every fucking school has those subjects if you switch out japanese for the countries native language.... this is NORMAL

Im sorry. I know the reason anyone talking to me like this might not like me. Cause im not gonna go WOWWW SUGEII?!?!? So much stuff!! Poor them!

No. Yeah? Thats school...

Look im not an asshole to my kids. If they can manage to tell me any information about their life in english or simple japanese i can translate - i act surprised/ or am if their english is super good.

But adults... no man. Learn some stuff about the outside world. Youre not specifical

Also dating boys here is just like back home except they wont block you and they respond less

Instead of getting “nice” “oh” “idk” and “maybe” as there fading messages - they just leave you on read. Or give you some random information that you didnt ask about that has no relevance to the ‘convo’

Also also. “Speak slow” they dont say this in a ‘my english is not good so speak slower’ way. They say this in a ‘i felt really good about my english until you spoke at a normal pace and my classes and ass-kissing white dudes have taught me that enlgish is spoken slow and percisely so if you dont speak with a japanese accent, your fast english is wrong’

Whatever but like... could you return the favor by speaking japanese slowly. Speak it the way you want me to speak english....

Telling them to speak slow results in something like

... nihon..de〜 nan mabdnshsnabsjsnjsbshssnbsjsbsjshsh ka?

Woah ok... something in Japan... couldnt catch the rest of that

Id be more understanding of this. Its hard to speak slow. Lets both acknowledge this and not - teachers compalining to principals and boys... (1) sending me a fucking video on how to speak my own damn language properly

Also. Do you know how upsetting it is to listen to a student say something perfectly but before i get to praise them - have the japanese teacher jump in and “correct” them...... no no dude please. I know youll have a fucking meltdown if i say no your ways wrong. But now this student is so confused desperately staring at me positive theyre correct and all ive come up with to do is smiling and nodding at them while repeating the way they said hoping the japanese teacher wont notice/get offended

Also togo food... if its not american fast food... generally you cant take it to go... its sad. I have no friends. I just wanna take this home to eat in front of my tv. This isnt serious. Its just a minior inconvenience

Also joking... my japanese isnt good enough to joke. And... idk how... cant explain. The other day a student asked whats my favorite food

And another went hamburger?!? Mcdonalds!!?

I wanted to comment.. but. At least elementary students understand sarcasm. Their teachers dont. And whether the middle schoolers understand and just dont care is up in the air.

Oh! And. I was right last week when i didnt trust my teachers saying that the obvious bullying was just a misunderstanding and the obvious targets fault. Another straight up teacher said some kids have left the school because of bullying and theyre really awful when left alone in the rooms... i told him thats why we cant go unsupervised in america. Japan says the students are just perfect upstanding citizens, so much more caring and mature than other students. Nope. Middle schoolers will be middle schoolers no matter what country.

Its tag time!!! i found this randomly and i tag anyone who wants to do this too

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?  there is a light that never goes out, my kind of woman, crazy for you, love will tear us apart, weird honey

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? 

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.         “Is her finger on the Stop button, hoping for the strength to press it? What is she doing? I can’t hear!”

4: What do you think about most? honestly movies, food, and my boyfriend

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? “I know I love it”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? clothes on i am not a sinner

7: What’s your strangest talent? I can do a mean angry new york mom impression

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) no, this one is dumb

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? both yeah

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? today no shame

11: Do you have any strange phobias? terrified that whenever im in an enclosed area with a lot of people that someone has a gun and is going to start shooting. irrational but true

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? no??

13: What’s your religion? agnostic 

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? going back inside

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind, i love taking pictures and doing film

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? bitch i cant answer that

17: What was the last lie you told? i don’t remember??? i try to avoid lying at all costs

18: Do you believe in karma? yeah, what goes around comes around

19: What does your URL mean? self explanatory but i made it when i was a lot sadder than i am now 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? weakness: emotional. strength: emotional

21: Who is your celebrity crush? a lot of people but probably mac demarco the most

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? no

23: How do you vent your anger? by complaining to friends and family or writing it out

24: Do you have a collection of anything? i have a lot of journals

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? video chatting, i like to see people’s expressions during a conversation

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? 1000% yes

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? i hate the sound of sports announcers and i love the sound of running your hand through still water.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if i would have had the courage to talk to the people i wanted to throughout high school?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. my computer

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? the ice cream im eating

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? fucking middle of nowhere nevada

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? west coast purely because i live here and i haven’t been to the east coast

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? mac demarco

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? happiness and love 

36: Define Art. impossible?? the point of art is that it can be anything, it’s subjective.

37: Do you believe in luck? undecided

38: What’s the weather like right now? way too fucking hot

39: What time is it? 9:07 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no and no

41: What was the last book you read? a heartbreaking work of staggering genius (my favorite)

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? no and i dont understand how people do 

43: Do you have any nicknames? jill

44: What was the last film you saw? boyhood

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? dislocated knee, three different times

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no they spook me up close

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? movies

48: What’s your sexual orientation? bi/pan honestly whatever you want to call it, i like all genders

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? yeah

50: Do you believe in magic? no

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? depends on the situation

52: What is your astrological sign? gemini cancer cusp (my bday is on tuesday!!)

53: Do you save money or spend it? both, spend some save some

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? clothes

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? yes im in love with harry gillette 

57: How many relationships have you had? 3 serious ones including the one im in now

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no

59: Where were you yesterday? my friends’ grad party 

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? yes my socks

61: Are you wearing socks right now? weirdly related to my last answer but yes

62: What’s your favourite animal? dogs and cows but i love all animals

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? my humor and my awkward/spazzy nature

64: Where is your best friend? home probably?

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. @lxvebad @edgarallenidunno @sedatedtaylor @perpetually-mediocre

66: What is your heritage? white

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? skyping pals

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? what kind of question is that

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? yeah i have

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? yeah i feel like im a pretty A+ pal

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? RUN TO THE DOG TO SAVE IT AND LOSE MY JOB FUCK THAT I CAN GET ANOTHER JOB THE DOG CANT GET ANOTHER LIFE

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? this question is too scary i dont want to think about it next

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. trust, love without trust isnt love at all

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? there is a light that never goes out by the smiths. i love that band and its impossible not to sing and dance to that tune

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 8493

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? trust, love, passion, respect

77: How can I win your heart? be harry 

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes but that doesnt make insanity positive 

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? taking my first film class freshman year of high school

80: What size shoes do you wear? 8

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? dont wanna think about that

82: What is your favourite word? ambivalent or serenity  

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. love

84: What is a saying you say a lot? hows it hanging & solid

85: What’s the last song you listened to? drunk again by reel big fish

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? dark red & pale pink

87: What is your current desktop picture? a picture of nate who i miss every day

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? donald trump

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? 

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? well if they dont pose a threat to me id just leave my house for the time being and wait for them to leave

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? teleportation!

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? a half hour of talking to nate

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? my “best friend” completely leaving me behind

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? mac demarco 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? london

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? no

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? no

98: Ever been on a plane? yes when i was 8 

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? be fucking nice to each other and accept everyone.

godfuckingfuckthat

i hate her

i hate being here i hate it so much im so uncomfortable and ill and there’s nothing to fucking eat and i want to go home 

i just want to fucking leave 

stuck here another fucking week because they insist on doing a ‘fake easter’ thing with sister like??? Sister literally doesn’t give a shit, none of us give a fuck about easter. 

But I’m stuck waiting until the next fucking sunday to have a shitty meal i can’t eat anything but fucking mash potatoes and carrots at and get told off for wasting salmon I said I didn’t want and wouldn’t eat. 

But fine, fuck it, i’m just really unhappy and i lived with this cunt for a long fucking time of just me and her fuckass ex partner. What’s another fucking week

but it’s a lot worse when you Know you have it better elsewhere, when you know you can be actually comfortable, actually not feel like constant panic attack heart racing, elsewhere. And you just want to be there. 

At my home it’s safe and i dont like to leave. Here, and it’s always been this way, I look for every fucking excuse to leave this house. Asking to go to the grocery store, going along on stupid outings (unless it means having the place alone because then fuck that noise i’d rather stay here and just Be Alone) 

And I’m still in full on panic scratch the arms want to get away want to die want to vanish kill me make it stop mode when i’m outside, don’t get me wrong, but i prefer it to having to sit in one room, in a shitty house that isnt mine, surrounded by people who don’t give a shit and treat you like an inconveninece and an afterthought

Today sister made plans to come over and do hair stuff, great, I haven’t had my hair done in probably 7 months???? (At least September) So looking forward to it. Plan was for her to be over after dropping nephew off at school. 

So that would’ve been 9.30-10am ish. 

Time passes she doesn’t arrive. Nothing. 

Finally go downstairs and ask sludge monster what’s going and she goes off on a long bitch about her furnitire arriving (some super expensive, more money than i have in a year shit that she had custom made and isn’t even sure she’ll like that she says took her so long to decide on cause she wanted just the right thing and she doesn’t realize how fucking lucky she is. I have 1 chair in my apartment. And I got given it second hand.) Wait for her to finish, ask ‘besides the furniture?’ and she goes off about the fucking furniture again 

Stop her, say no i meant with sister. 

She just snaps at me and says ‘shes not coming’ okay? So. How long did you know that was the case? Cause I’m betting it’s been since this morning. How long could you have told me this. 

And she sleeps in the fucking living room on the sofa and gets mad at people for making any noise in the kitchen or walking through the living room to the conservatory where she put this stupid minifridge she hid all the soda in so i have to go past her to get it. And she shouts at me for waking her up like???? YOU HAVE A ROOM. You have two bedrooms upstairs you could occupy. You chose to put this fucking thing here. And you’re the one asleep in the middle of the fucking day. 

I hate being here, I hate her. I hate how she treats her animals, but she treats her kids like garbage so why would I expect different. 

And she didn’t clarify anything about sister, about when the hair shits going to happen instead, and since sister drove me here, I need her to drive me back too. So I’m just stuck here for however long, but she doesn’t even consider that I need to know this info, that I don’t want to be here. 

idk i’m a fucking dumb idiot party pooper asshat who just exists to ruin lives and like i wanna be vague as possible here in the interest of people that aren’t me but if there’s any possibility of you ever seeing this, than rest assured that my negative feelings aren’t because of you or anything related to you in any way. i promise. this is just the bad feels train rolling

i kind of wish i could like, exist in a vacuumless void or something?? a space where i didn’t have all this bad shit going down. because like. i do nothing with my life as always, just being the fucking freeloader i am, and everyone else here actually contributes by like having jobs and shit and being able to actually fucking drive, while i’ve only driven twice thus far with my licensed permit i am not a law breaker. so like, i have no control over my sleep schedule so i sleep like ten to twelve hours, every fucking day. so i wake up and chill a bit and everyone comes home and then shit gets really stressful. everyone’s super stressed out. all day every day. 24/7. the stress is entirely justified or whatever i’m not taking sides, there’s like fifty million things for everyone to stress over because that’s just kinda life and after over six years of living stressed out 24/7 we’re all just kinda used to it. so like everyone’s always stressed and then they come home, still stressed. and i am a fucking sponge. i feed off of other people’s emotions like crazy. i get really fucking happy round happy people, when everyone else in the room is really sad i can’t stop crying for like five years, and i only like to like, go to graveyards and funerals and shit if absolutely necessary. the only one that’s different is when i’m around angry people, and i overanticipate on that so even if people aren’t necessarily angry but if i have any reason to believe they are or will be or could even slightly possible to be, i clam up bc that’s just how i am.. but i digress. i’m around all these stressed out people so of course i get stresssed the fuk out. so i’m stressed all the time too so then i’m chilling around having anxiety attacks for no fucking reason. which is great. wonderful! love it! so i’m feeding off an endless supply of stress  24/7 these days so i’m sorry for anything i’ve said or done that could come off as snarky or rude. stress leads to bad choices. but i genuinely don’t want to be hateful nor hurtful. if i’ve hurt you, i’m sorry. but like i’m not a big fan of this??? i wanna live in a vacuum where all this stress is gone because i cannot remember what it’s like to not be like this anymore. like. i don’t even remember how long ago my uncle died??? it was probably early high school or maybe late middle school but like, ever since he got sick life’s been shit and he was the first of like, five that we lost, i keep getting sick and injured every five seconds in the midst of everything, both my parents have had near death experiences in the past two years, i’m divulging way more information than i should be, but losing five family members in the last like six years, nearly losing two of the most important people in my life, and now another family member is super fucking injured, and literally like

literally any time i try to reflect on the last six years or whatever and i realize how much shit has happened, how close together it all is, how no one gets a fucking break between any of it, and just thinking about it nearly puts me into a fucking panic attack. just thinking about it right now has me shaking actually. i’m sick of it!!!!!!! i just wanna have a cool chill time!!!!!!!! 

on another note, my time of the month was supposed to be like a week or two ago or smth but the week long migraine experience (tm) along with putting out my back pretty fucking badly i think messed that up because that shit kinda chills out and weakens out when i’m sick or whatever. so i think i fucked that up and the timing’s all off so i’ve been in the state of “it’s about to happen but not quite yet!!!” for longer than a week which isn’t optimal and that’s why i’ve been talkative on here lately because that’s why i get more talkative when i get more talkative, but it’s supposed to go away and i’m just sitting here like. this isn’t a jesus situation! evacuate the blood please! stress probably isnt’ helping with that either. but hey i’ve been eating my feelings and tht doesn’t help anything either so that’s great!

and also like, i’m fucking depressed man! i don’t know why! there’s nothing to be upset about in the uh, within the house sense? like directly relating to matters that are just this house? there’s no reason. but like i get mad at people super easily and then every five seconds i start crying my eyes out and making people feel bad for no reason???? i don’t fucking want to! i can’t exactly stop myself though because if i’m gonna cry it can’t be fucking stopped so after not crying for a month crying’s becoming a daily thing. 

i’m not even doing anything i’m just wasting everyone’s time lmao! when’s life going to kill me and just get me out of the way. easy fix. come at me fucking edgelord i’m ripped

i want a clean room that isn’t a fucking storage room and i wanna play piano and this room literally doesn’t have room to walk despite being the biggest bedroom in the whole house and like???? it’s depressing as hell and stressful as shit. i wanna punch something. i wanna punch someone. preferably my old boss and like half of former old coworkers. fuck those people. but i also never want to see them again or have anything to do with them so like i dunno maybe i’ll just fucking cry again instead

nothing is good and everything is bad and nothing i do could help

yeah, answer all of them that you can

... ho boytell me about your crush!!!!!!! hes v sweet and says rly nice things to and about me and hes very smart. he has almost black hair, very kind dark dark brown eyes, nice thick brows (yes theyre nice i love thick eyebrows) like.. very thick, a warm wide smile that could light up a whole country. hes the kindest person ive ever met, also loves weed a LOT, and has a vvv cute dog named gizmo and shares his love of dogs with me. way more than a crush. tell me about your ex. well ur one of my exes, ur very smart also, intellectual, definitely gonna use your knowledge for a greater good. also v cool. my other ex is a fucking scumbag :) tell me about your day. my chemistry teacher doesnt like me bc i dont understand the material, i actually woke up on time, uh... not that eventful to talk about. headed to therapy rn. tell me about your dreams i just wanna get out of new england with someone i love and have a dog farm and grow weed and die happy. i wanna travel the world too. tell me about your drama i dont have anytell me about yourself :-) im short, kind of awkward, i love photography and makeup and singing and music and dogs. the office is my favorite tv show, my favorite color is bluetell me about something awkward/embarrassing one time at a middle school dance my pants ripped right on my ass and nobody told me for half an hour and by the end of the night my pants had ripped down to my calftell me about a funny story or something telling funny stories results in them being less funny than it was for me so im good. tell me your favourite band/artist/album/song i love the deftones, slipknot, all of a$ap mob, 21 savage, green day, etc etctell me about your favourite meme nothing beats the nut meme for me. basic, but can use it in endless situationstell me about your favourite fic i dont read fanfictiontell me a secret ;) one time when i had strep throat really bad every time id cough id puke and i coughed in my sleep and puked all over my facetell me who you ship me with whoever you liketell me a lame joke/bad pick-up line ehtell me about your favourite tumblr user(s) too manytell me about your least favourite tumblr user(s) probably a stupid pointless blog, none i can think oftell me what you’re thinking about smoking a bowl when i get back from therapy and dreading homeworktell me your assumptions about me idktell me your feelings about me youre cool tell me why you started following me bc youre my friendtell me why I’m problematic ur not problematic in the slightest ask for advice ehask for fic recs ehask for song recs if i needed them id text youask me weird questions id text youask me personal questions id text youask me random questions id text youask me deep questions id text youask for makeup recs/tips u dont wear makeupask me my “top 5″ anything id text ugive makeup recs/tips blend ur eyeshadow, make sure ur contour isnt orange, make sure ur foundation is blended, dont do winged eyeliner with stick eyeliner, only gel or liquidask for hair dying tips dont fucking bleach ur hair at homesend me headcannons ugh send me blurb/fic/oneshot ideas write something about winter idksend me blurbs!!!!! ehsend me song recs we dont share the same music taste and if we so, we listen to the same stuffsend me unpopular opinions idksend me your zodiac sign and I will tell you if I’d date you or not ur a sagittarius and sure if i wasnt seriously invested in someone else send me a url and I will tell you what I think about that person eh i follow like 850 blogs thats a lot of worksend me your honest opinion of me you know it already confess your sins ive dated like 40 people and i slept with a 21 year old oncefangirl about stuff!!! just look at my blog tagsrant about stuff!!! school is fucking stupid and has made my self esteem non existent whats new and my grandma said i was becoming more narcissistic even tho thats not true at allgossip about stuff!!! i dontvent about stuff!!! thats what ranting meansgive me playlist ideas songs that you listen to during nighttime drives or just at night or when youre lonely n shitmaybe give me some fic recs? please oh my god stop with this fucking questionmake me choose between two things life or death, food or beverages, liquor or wine, weed or dabs/waxmost likely to go off the grid and do some fucking awesome, novel worthy shitfuck marry kill fuck, whoever you please, marry, whoever u marry, kill, anyone who really fucks u over truth or dare this isnt 5th gradewould you rather would you rather breathe or blinklet’s talk about the sex because sex ed isn’t talked about enough weve done that in the past enough fuel my ego and tell me your favourite things about me your hair is pretty cool, your eyebrows are too good fuck utalk to me about astrology stuff!!! mercury is in retrogradetalk to me about aliens!!! this is getting oldwrite an “about me” pretending to be me im bored now sorrydescribe me in three words or lessif I was a stereotype in a movie what would I be? edgy highschool burn outgo on anon and drag meask me about anythingtalk to me about anythingI will answer every ask I get nothing will go unansweredseriously just please come talk to me (✿◕ ‿◕ฺ)ノ))。₀: *゜