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#not the traditional panic attacks and flashbacks category

panicinart · 3 years

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🔞Nsfw alphabet🔞

🍪 06 Billy Lenz 🍪

This was at the beginning just a giant ramble on my part but then I decided to just make it a nsfw alphabet since a lot of the things I already wrote fit under the category's. Because not all 100% fit in it I changed a few things on the templates I found and made more or less one of my own, i guess it's more detailed???

also i feel on one part really fucking awkward and uncomfortable because of the backstory he has :/ I just ignored it hope that's okay UwU

Idk, I hope you guys enjoy it !

Edit: I sadly can't add a under the cut thingy apparantly it's broken on mobile and I'm only on mobile for tumblr. Sorry :(

A = Aftercare (what are they like after sex?)

🍪The after glow makes him feel more vulnerable then the whole act itself, kinda like post nut clarity. Please be soft and gentle with him. Wait a few minutes until he gathered himself and ask if it's okay to touch him.

🍪If he assures you it's okay 👏HUG👏THIS👏MAN👏. A big and gentle bear hug, small kisses around the eyebrows, cheek and forehead, he will MELT in your arms like sweet honey.

🍪He will nuzzle his face into the crook of your neck a bit, you will also hear some soft muttering from him. Nothing that really makes sense, but it's clear that they are small declarations of love.

B = Body part (how is their body build? any favorite body part of them and their partner?)

🍪He has a bit of a belly, enough to squeeze but not enough to get a full hand. He also has a good a amount of muscle, especially on the arm and shoulder area.

🍪To be honest Billy doesn't really have any favorite body part of himself, since the day of his trauma he doesn't really concentrate on how his body is, how it feels, what he likes or doesn't like. But if His s/o has any favorite body part on him and they tell Billy what it is, it will make his day and watches out to keep it healthy and the way his partner likes it.

🍪Billy really likes his partners cheeks and eyes. Your cheeks color themself into a pretty pinkish red when embarrassed or flustered, and your eyes are a gateway to your many emotions, they also have such a pretty, warm and welcoming twinkling in them when you look at him.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum)

🍪More on the translucent type and heavy on the tongue. It is a normal amount and the taste a bit bitter. At first it has a strong taste but fades away quite quickly.

🍪It's also more watery and a bit sticky kinda like honey.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, do they have a dirty secret?)

🍪My guy has bit of a masochistic tendency, he ignores it and doesn't want to talk about it. You will finde out eventually how deep the rabbit hole goes.

🍪He also wishes to be more on the submissive side for Intimacy but his own mind doesn't allow it. The risk on geting a PTSD flashback and panic attack is to high, so it just stays as a fantasy.

E = Experience (do they know what they're doing?)

This is the part I ignore because I fell REALLY uncomfortable about it

F = Favorite position (which position(s) do the like the most?)

🍪He likes it too keep it traditional, plain old missionary style, but anything were he is on top and has full few of your body is good! It will just take some time until he is willing to try new positions.

G = Goofy (are they more serious or do the like to clown around?)

🍪Dead serious, no laughing no joking. If you joke around you can see his distaste on his face, he also makes an annoyed click noise with his tongue and roll his eyes.

🍪It's more because it makes him feel like you don't take it seriously, the way he shows himself for you the amount of trust he shows, it all makes him feel like you don't respect it or take it for granted.

🍪But that doesn't mean you can't laugh around if something awkwardly funny happens, like bumping heads or geting too tangled up. If Billy is in a good mood you might catch a smirk on his face.

H = Hair (any hair down there? How do they groom it?)

🍪The hair is relatively strong and straight, it isn't really long and well kept. It's the same color as the hair on the head.

🍪If it gets too out of hand he will trim it with a razor.

I = Intimacy (how are they during sex in a romantic aspect?)

🍪The hands wander a bit and massages any place Billy can reach (usually the arms and hips). He also always keeps eye contact, you don't need to do it back, but his intense stare will always be on you.

🍪Kisses, gentle touches, him nuzzling his nose into the crook of your neck happens quite frequently. He also might stop for a second to admire your beauty.

J = Jack off / Jill off (how do they masturbate and how often?)

🍪He goes straight to it, fast and relatively rough pumps he usually uses his hands but somehow he got his fry fingers on a simple fleshlight, he sometimes uses it.

🍪Will clean up IMMEDIATELY

🍪It's really rare Billy jack's off and often he just ignores the glimpse of horniness he has. So maeby once or twice a month max.

K = Kink (any kinks?)

🍪At the beginning my guy is very vanilla but Billy finds what he enjoys very quickly.

🍪One kink you both indulge is mutual masturbatetion. Sometimes he doesn't feel secure enough for sex so it's a good way to please the need of intimacy. Plus watching his partner touching themself and making a small show for him is really hot.

🍪You have 3 guesses what comes next. Yep it's voyeurism, he isn't that much into it like OG Billy but he still enjoys it nonetheless. Just walk around with barely any clothes and do your usual stuff, you will catch him starring at you from a corner with a heavy blush on his cheeks.

🍪He is also into cockwarming, Billy often keeps his dick inside his s/o for a while after he came. He loves how close it makes him feel towards you and the comforting warmth you give.

🍪Orgasm denial on himself, you don't even need to start it he probably already started it himself, but you can encourage Billy to hold it back longer.

🍪He also enjoys edging, he indulges in it more often then he likes to admit

For some reason I headcanon that he is also into sounding but it's a guilty pleasure of his

L = Location (were do they like to have sex?)

🍪Bed, it's nice warm and comfy. But with some time he also is willing to have sex on the couch.

M = Motivation (what turns them on/gets them going?)

🍪The jaw and back of the ear is a great place to give kisses and soft touches, it's calming and reassuring for him, but also a turn on.

🍪The inner thighs is also a place if you want to turn him on but good god the man has some self control.

🍪Billy absolutely melts when his partner cuddles up to him, he might stiffen up a bit but the cute expression you have and the way you snuggle up to him warms his cold crusty heart (and it also makes his body go brrrrr).

🍪If his partner, like mentioned before, walks around with bairly any clothes, phew, he will lighten up like a Christmas tree.

N= No (what's a turn off/they don't want to do?)

🍪Anything were the consent isn't clear or maeby questionable (consensual noncon).

🍪He also refuses to hurt his partner even if they ask for it, the only thing you might get is a soft slap on the inner thigh if you act bratty.

🍪Billy being submissive is a no too, he needs to be in control and therefore is always the dom.

O = Oral (do they like to give or receive? How is their skill? How do they react during receiving?)

🍪He is really good at oral! The tounge is quite thick and a bit longer then the norm so he reaches all the right places and it will take a really long time until his jaw aches.

🍪It's also a way he pleasures his partner if the needed inner security isn't there, he just goes down on you until you scream in pleasure and beg him to stop.

🍪Billy is a bit embarrassed if you suggest to him to go down, but accepts it after a while of thinking, and let me tell you, he is a MESS.

🍪He really tries to stay calm and stoic, but his heavy breathing and restlessness say otherwise. He also often chokes out a moan and gulps heavily.

🍪When he cums his head falls back and lets out a shameless moan, with a desperate attempt to keep face Billy claps a hand on his mouth to stifle out the moan.

P = Pace (how is their thrusting? Hard, fast, deep ect)

🍪Slow and more on the sensual side but it is clear as day that he is nervous and cramps up. His whole body is tense and in between he just freezes up. Give him time, the best is to mimic his pace.

🍪It's very nice and calming. He might be bad at showing affection but you can feel the passion and love he gives every touch and move. The thrust are slow and rhythmic but also hard and deep.

Q = Quickie (do they like Quickies, if yes how often?)

🍪He doesn't like it, sex is a way to express his love and passion for you it's never about lust, quickies don't give him the time to show you his affection.

R = Risk (any risk their willing to do?)

🍪He can be the bottom if asked, you both need clear instructions on what to do and what not. Safe words is also a must + a lot of Aftercare.

S = Stamina (how long can they go? How long do they last?)

🍪It's usually 2 rounds but they're loooong. Billy's self control is going strong and one round can last up to 30-45 min if you both want to take your precious time. If you both are going hard on the orgasm denial he can last up to a hour.

T = Toys (any toys they like? If yes, what toys do they like on themselves and on their partner?)

🍪He doesn't really have an opinion on them, they exist, he used / tryd out a few but he is kind of meh about it.

🍪The only toy he uses is a see-through simple fleshlight.

🍪Billy is also okay with his s/o using toys on themselves, he encourages it a bit since he's not always able to meet their needs.

🍪If you want him to use toys on you, you need to ask and explain what they do. He knows simple dildos and vibrators but if they don't look like traditional dicks he is lost and doesn't know what it is for / how to use it. (Billy is kinda iffy about bondage stuff and things that can hurt his partner).

Use a sounding rod, but sssshhh you don't have that info from me

U = Unfair (are they a tease? How do they react if teased?)

🍪Sometimes he is a smug bastard that likes to tease you and wait until his partner begs him to continue, especially if he goes down. But that's really it.

🍪If Billy is the one that is getting teased he can take that shit like a champ. But after a while his walls break and he becomes a blushy mess, depending with what you tease him he will look away shyly. But don't go overboard.

V = Volume (how loud are they? What sounds do they make?)

🍪 Billy rarely talks or makes any noise if not non, so you need to learn how to read his body language, it's okay if you don't succeed at the beginning, the man is hard to read.

🍪 The only noise you get from him are deep growly grunts, huff's if you're really good he will choke up a moan.

W = Wild card (random nsfw headcanon(s))

🍪Oof sex going to take a loooooonnnng time until he feels comfy with it. The trauma in his past is the main reason why he feels so conflicted with it.

🍪It probably will take MONTHS when not a year until he feels comfortable with it (and doesn't shove away his horniness) but when it happens it's very spontaneous. Nothing that he plans.

🍪When you both managed to get undress fully, foreplay is a must! Not only can you both learn what is the right place to touch and what not, it's also a good way to show him a positive side of sex and that it isn't just a game of lust.

🍪Also small note here it's normal that he dips out of sex, he could get a flashback or just doesn't feel comfortable with it anymore. If that happens, just give him space maeby a cup of hot chocolate and if he allows it some back rubs to calm down. Assure him it's okay and he doesn't need to pressure himself. You both probably need like 2 or 3 times until it goes to the meat of the things.

🍪Usually a top dom, if you both are together for a longer time he might goes bottom dom, but these moments are rare.

🍪The giving and receiving in general is mostly balanced but honestly only because he needs the reassurance of your love so baldy, if it wasn't for that, he would mostly do the work,(the control it gives him helps to fight against any nervousness and fear that there might be hiding).

🍪So if your a bit of a pillow princess / prince / heir to the throne you got the right partner!

X = X-ray (what's going on under those clothes?)

*cracks knuckles* 'aight, let's fucking go

🍪Billy is shorter then average not by much, but oh boy he is THICK. This makes him roughly about 5,2 inches in length and 6.5 girth when erect.

The avrage American dick is in length 6 inches and girth 5, as comparison

🍪He has two notable veins on the underside, their sensitive so give it a good lick, you will feel him shudder.

🍪His junk also hangs a bit, about a 50° degree angle, it varies a bit depends how aroused he is.

🍪And it is also yellow like the rest of Billy's body, just not that intense and on the tip, it has less of a yellow and more of a caucasian skin color.

Y = Yearning (how high is their libido?)

🍪 He isn't that interested in sex so it's pretty low. I headcanon him as demisexual.

🍪On is own he may have sex once a month or so.

Z = Zzz (how quickly do they fall asleep?)

🍪Billy's s/o will fall asleep faster then him, always. He uses this moment to play with his partners hair or give them a few kisses.

#slashers #slasher #slasher fandom #slasher community #billy lenz #black christmas #black christmas 2006 #slasher headcanons #my writing #ns//fw headcanon #ns//fw #gender neutral s/o #gender neutral reader

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lilith-lovett · 3 years

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Found Families - Home is Where the Hart is - Chapter Twenty Four

I am finally back on a proper writing schedule and I am back with a new one. I have been looking forward to writing this scene since the very beginning and it is finally here. Thank you for you continued support. Safe safe x

Masterlist

Summary: A bad night to a happy day

Word Count: 5459

Warnings: Past child abuse, anxiety, self-deprecation, disordered eating, implied depression, panic attack, flashback, food mention, knife mention, nightmare, swearing, implied self harm, unintentional self harm, hospital mention (this one is dark) (if there is anything I have missed pleased let me know)

The day had finally arrived. Logan hardly slept at all, the nerves and excitement becoming overwhelming. Patton was taking him to the local school to speak with the principal - who was apparently Elliott’s father Thomas - about the possibility of Logan enrolling in the school in the following academic year. It had been six years since Logan attended any form of educational institution, since his parents removed him from elementary school in order to implement their own curriculum and to avoid any prying question in regards to Logan’s well-being. His first two orphanages had very limited access to resources, books and textbooks with no teachers. His third orphanage had a lot more resources and regularly scheduled lesson plans, with Maggie providing him with extra textbooks, books and projects to complete in his own time so he could have something resembling an ordinary education. In that environment he had quickly surpassed the level appropriate for his age category. Upon leaving the orphanage, Maggie had provided him with a collection of textbooks to carry on using to study while waiting for the new academic year to begin. The day had finally arrived.

Logan understood Patton’s apprehension but he needed to do something and attending school would provide the stimulation he required. He agreed to Patton’s idea of visiting the school and speaking with Mr Sanders in order to create a plan for his joining after the Summer. They had discussed it several times and Patton admitted it made him more comfortable having a detailed action plan and a line of contact with Mr Sanders about his situation, which Logan accepted as reasonable.

Logan had woken up early and immediately dressed himself before heading downstairs not expecting to see anyone else awake, considering the time, but surprisingly Patton was already up and preparing breakfast. Softly singing to himself, as the sweet smell of crofters and pancakes filled the room. This was an unusual occurrence for Patton for a number of reasons; he described himself as an ‘early bird’ but he was never up this early, breakfast on school days were normally simple due to Roman and Virgil’s bad habit of sleeping in. Pancakes and more elaborate breakfasts were reserved for weekends and special occasions. Perhaps, today was a special occasion Logan simply wasn’t aware of. It didn’t take long for Patton to notice Logan, the surprise present on his face.

“Oh, hello, kiddo, I am guessing you are up early because of school, I wish Roman and Virgil were this excited for school,” Patton chuckled as he continued on prepare breakfast but must have caught Logan’s perplexed expression. “Oh, you are probably wondering why I am up so early? I thought since today is special day for you, we would have a special breakfast,”.

Patton continued chatting to Logan as he prepared breakfast while Logan sat at the kitchen table listening, responding whenever necessary until Patton placed a stack of pancakes and a variety of toppings including Logan’s favourite crofters in the centre of the table.

“Tuck in, I am going to go wake up the rest of them,” Patton said to him before disappearing up the stairs.

Logan took a singular pancake and slathered it in a healthy helping of jam. He was eating significantly more than he had prior living at the orphanage but his appetite was still minimal at best. He pretended not to notice the concerned glances Patton gave him whenever he didn’t finish a meal. Logan was fine. He was eating. More than he ever had been in fact. There was nothing unusual about him not finishing a meal. It was just another one of his habits. Logan began eating as Roman, Virgil and Declan were herded downstairs, still dressed in their pyjamas, by Patton. Everyone settled at the table before digging into their own plates of food. Drowsy small talk was exchanged and once Logan had eaten exactly half of what was on his plate he excused himself to finish preparing for the day ahead. Once again Patton gave him a worried look before sighing and clearing his plate.

A short while later, it was time to leave. They were leaving earlier than usual to drop Declan off at Dot and Larry’s house so Patton could attend the meeting with Logan. They all got into the car, Roman once again called shotgun, bounding towards the front of the car while Patton buckled Declan into the car seat in the centre of the back seat while Virgil and Logan sat on either side. The car ride was certainly lively, with Patton and Roman singing along to the radio and Declan babbling some sort of nonsense to Virgil who responded as if he perfectly understood everything he said. The nervousness was still building within Logan’s chest so he decided to remain silent.

Fifteen minutes passed and they were pulling into the school’s car park, several other families surrounded the building awaiting the bell, indicating the beginning of the school day. It was a large building, two separate entrances. One for the middle school and one for the high school as they buildings were combined, a large playground area containing various pieces of play equipment with a number of screaming children climbing all over it. Logan flinched away from the noise, raising a hand to his ear to block out the sound, an action Patton seemed to notice.

“Hey, Logan, how about we head inside?” Patton asked placing a hand on Logan shoulders, giving it a comforting squeeze as he gestured towards the closest entrance. “Okay, kiddos, I am going now, I’ll see you two later. I love you,”.

“Love you too, padre,” Roman exclaimed quickly running off into the crowds, disappearing from sight.

“Bye, dad. Bye, L,” Virgil said walking to a quiet corner of the playground, separated from the rest of the crowds. Logan knew Virgil hated crowded places so this behaviour made sense.

“Come on Logan,” Patton said leading Logan into the school building.

The main office was located relatively close to the entrance, Patton needed to sign in and struck up a friendly conversation with the women working there. A lot of talk about their families and traditional small talk. She asked Logan a couple of questions which he answered cordially until Patton had completed filling out the form. They said their goodbyes and Patton led him through the long, winding corridors filled with empty classrooms, towards Mr Sanders office. Once they arrived, Patton knocked on the door and a voice rang out, inviting them inside.

They entered Mr Sanders office, it was highly decorated; photographs, knick-knacks and various figurines on his desk and sat behind it was Mr Sanders, a wide smile across his face when he saw them. He appeared to be off a similar age to Patton, straight dark brown hair which swooped across his forehead and dressed smartly in a navy blue casual suit and tie combination. The nervousness hadn’t stopped building and was about bursting out of him by the time Patton led him into the office. What if he failed the test? What if they didn’t want him to attend the school? What would he do then?

“Hello, Patton, Logan,” Mr Sanders said standing reaching a hand out to Patton and then out to Logan before he indicated for them to sit. “So Patton tells me that you are are wanting to enrol in the school in the new academic year? That is wonderful and we can definitely arrange that, now Patton has told me some of the situation involving your home life and lack of official schooling, I also got into contact with your former tutor Miss Blair and she tells me that you have kept up with education and surpassed the standard level for your age group?”.

“Um…yes…I have been keeping up with studying,” Logan answered things were going well so far. He hadn’t been rejected yet.

“That is very responsible of you. Well with all of this information, I would like you to take a couple of tests so we can determine what grade you would be most comfortable in, considering your age you would normally enter grade 7 but because of your prior teaching I want to give you the opportunity to potentially progress to the next grade,” Mr Sanders explained taking out a pile of papers from his desk drawer. Tests. Logan could do tests. Actually he excelled at them. Test questions had answers, answers which could be figured out with the right equations or methods. Yes, Logan could do tests. “What do you think about that?”.

“I can do that,” Logan responded instantly, excited to finally be stimulated by some challenging questions.

“I love the enthusiasm,” Mr Sander’s said with a chuckle. “I’ll allow you to do the tests in here and Patton and I will have a chat about all of the details, just come and get us once you are finished,”.

Logan nodded in response as Patton gave him a comforting squeeze and ruffled his hair before leaving with Mr Sander, leaving him alone in the office with only the small stacks of test papers. Opening the first page he began.

“I don’t think I have ever met a child who was actually excited about taking a test before,” Thomas said as he closed the door behind him, attempting to stifle his laughter.

“That’s Logan for you,” Patton said with a chuckle. “He was super excited to come here today, he has been talking about enrolling in school for ages now but I wanted him to settle in a little before he did,”.

“That was a smart decision, has he been settling well?” Thomas inquired as Patton recalled the past few weeks. It had certainly been interesting. The highs were high; Roman’s birthday, their family movie nights, seeing Logan slowly come out of his shell. However, the lows were extremely low; the breakdowns, the constant fear of abandonment and the insecurity which couldn’t be quelled with words alone. Last nights conversation was a singular step in the seemingly never-ending staircase in the process of trying to get Logan to see his own worth, to convince him Patton wasn’t going to leave and he could finally let go of all of the pain.

“It has been hard. Really hard. I know it will be a difficult process and I know I can’t make everything better but I hate that feeling of hopelessness,” Patton admitted with a sigh. He knew from the beginning it wouldn’t be all sunshine and roses, he had been through a similar situation with Virgil and Dee but Logan is older and so too intelligent for his own good, he hid so much of how he truly felt until it exploded out of him.

“I understand the feeling, I think we all want things to be easier but all you can do is too give it time. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. This is a new environment for Logan and for you too, it is normal for things to be a bit rocky at the beginning and it will never be all smooth-sailing but the important thing is that you are trying and constantly working to be there for Logan,” Thomas responded placing a comforting hand on Patton’s shoulder. “You are doing the best you can and I’m sure Logan sees that too,”.

“Thank you, Thomas,” Patton said he knew Thomas was correct, Emile had been repeating the same information to him for years. It was difficult to see the progress they had made when they were still going through the lows but he knew it would all be worth it. They are a family now and together they would be able to handle anything, no matter how low the lows got, the highs would always be worth it.

Patton and Thomas continued talking, primarily how Logan’s enrolment into the school would work, for Patton’s own peace of mind. He had had similar discussions with Roman and Virgil’s teachers surrounding accommodations for their mental health problems and everyone he spoke too was extremely kind and willing to adapt for their benefit. So, Patton wasn’t necessarily worried in that regards but Logan was entering school far later than he should have and hadn’t been in such an environment before. He would be entering at a pivotal part of his educational career and while Logan was incredibly intelligent he lacked the social skills of children his age. What if he couldn’t handle such a drastic change in environment? It had taken him a while to adjust to moving from the orphanage to Patton’s house, what if moving to school caused a similar issue? What if he was bullied? Patton had witnessed first hand the torment Logan had to endure at the hands of the other children at the orphanage, to the extent he had gotten used to it, would the same occur in the classroom? Would Logan assume it was normal as he had likely experienced worse? Patton froze in place at the thought, his heart hurt merely thinking about. Maybe he and Logan should talk through a couple more options before making their decision?

“Patton, are you alright?” Thomas asked, waving a hand in front of Patton’s face as he snapped out of his brain funk.

“Ah, sorry, I just zoned out for a minute there,” Patton answered quickly, plastering on a smile, sensing his face glowing red with embarrassment.

“You’re worried about Logan, aren’t you?” Thomas pressed as Patton smile fell. Thomas always was super perceptive, he could never hide anything from him. “He will be fine, he will have access to all of the support we have available here and I will personally keep an eye out for him and you’ll be the first to now if anything does happen,”.

“Thank you, Thomas, I feel a lot better now,” Patton said and he meant it. Patton trusted Thomas wholeheartedly, he was aware of both Roman and Virgil’s struggles and agreed to do the same for them which definitely settled some of Patton’s anxieties. Also perhaps he was just over-thinking and Logan would thrive in the new, highly academic environment, overall helping to develop his social and personable skills. Yes Patton, think positive thoughts.

Just as Thomas was about to lead Patton to a waiting area for them to sit and continue their discussion, there was a sharp knock on the door. Before it opened revealing Logan, test papers in hand and a small smile on his face.

“I believe I have finished,” Logan said holding his papers out towards Thomas who failed to disguise his shock as he took Logan’s test papers into his hands.

“You-you’re finished…but its…” Thomas quickly glanced at his watch. “Only been fifteen minutes. Are you sure you are finished, did you check everything over?”.

“Yes, I reviewed everything thoroughly to locate any mistakes so I could remedy them, I am finished,” Logan stated once again, rather bluntly.

“Wow…That's…wow. How did you find it?” Thomas asked as he swiftly flicked through the papers, presumably to ensure Logan had indeed completed every question. Which he had.

“It was relatively simple, however, a few question did provide an enjoyable challenge,” Logan responded. Thomas’s expression shifted to one of awe. He had explained to Patton that the test was used in rare occasions, such as if a student wanted to transfer into a class of a higher difficultly level to assess if they could handle the increased difficultly. Traditionally reserved for older students but Thomas suggested for Logan to take it considering his situation and background. Patton believed that Thomas had assumed Logan would struggle or at least take longer than fifteen minutes to complete it.

“Wow…well that is really good…it’ll be about a week until I’ll be able to give you your results and then we can talk about what comes next after that. Is that alright with you Logan?” Thomas asked.

“Yes, thank you, Mr Sanders,” Logan responded with a small, careful smile.

“No problem Logan, I’m looking forward to seeing you in the new school year,” Thomas said, leading them both to the exit as they all said their goodbyes, waving to Patton and Logan as they left, entering into the now empty playground.

“Ah Logan, I am so proud of you!” Patton exclaimed throwing his arms around Logan, squeezing him close to his chest. Logan groaned but didn’t protest or attempt to move away and as Patton glanced down he noticed the tiny, precious smile on his face. Patton didn’t restrain his squeal. “Aw, you are so cute”.

“I am not” Logan grumbled shrugging out of the hug but the smile remained, making Patton smiled even larger.

“When we get home let’s have a super, super special day. We already had a special breakfast, lets have a special lunch and dinner too. Oohh and a movie night afterwards,” Patton rambled, his brain going a mile a minute with so many ideas of how to make tonight extra super special, of all of the different meals he could make, desserts to bake, fun snack ideas and a list of potential movies to watch.

“What is the special occasion?” Logan asked as he climbed into the front seat.

“This is the special occasion, silly,” Patton responded turning on the radio.

“Today wasn’t particular special,” Logan said.

“Of course it is and anyway everyday can be a special day if you want it to be, it is what you do with it that makes it special,” Patton explained as they began driving home.

“I suppose that makes sense, it is the actions which make the day and not the occasion itself,” Logan answered.

“Exactly,”.

They drove home, picking up Dee on the way. While Patton prepared their lunch and did some preparatory work for the meal he had planned for dinner and broke out his recipe books, searching for tasty desserts to make. While Logan attempted to entertain Dee. They ate lunch together, listening to Dee’s babbling nonsense as he recounted his morning with grandma and grandpa, however, he and Logan both nodded along as if he were speaking perfect English. Logan helped with the dishes and they continued preparations for dinner, they talked about the test and Logan divulged his solutions and methods for solving each question. Roman and Virgil returned home and assisted in dinner preparations creating quite the mess but Patton couldn’t be happier. He made sure to take many, many pictures for his photo-album. They each made their own pizzas, decorating them with a variety of toppings. While they were cooking in the oven, they moved onto the desserts. A lemon cheesecake and shortbread biscuits. The kitchen was enveloped with so many amazing smells. Following an incredible dinner and dessert, Roman and Virgil set into action preparing the living room for their movie night; layering blankets and pillows across the sofa, arguing over the superior snack and arguing over which Disney movie they should rewatch (they ultimately agreed on The Princess and the Frog as it was one of the few remaining Princess films Logan hadn’t seen yet). In no time at all everyone was bundled up on the sofa together, singing along with Tiana’s ‘Almost There’. Patton couldn’t imagine a more perfect end to the night, surrounded by precious children, safe and happy even including Logan who smiled contentedly at the television, tapping his fingertips against the arm of the armchair (which had seemingly now been dubbed as ‘Logan’s armchair’) along to the beat. Patton was truly the luckiest man in the world.

...the knife plunged into his chest…

Logan awoke with a start, scrambling for the light switch, allowing a soft light to enter the room, dispelling the darkness invading his mind, pushing it back into the shadowed corners. He curled in on himself, raising his hands to his chest, sensing the rapid beating of his heart within his ribcage as he struggled to catch his breath. Why? Why was this happening? Why now? There had been no trigger. No warning signs. He hadn’t experienced any adverse emotions today. So why? Why was he brought back to that place. Logan clawed at his neck and chest, in attempt to rid himself of the sensation of their hands, the cool edge of the blade, the stinging pain. But it remained as if the memories were branded there like a tattoo, no amount of scrubbing could ever remove. He grasped the small bear he slept with every night, sinking his nails into its soft fur to prevent him from turning them on himself, despite the near overwhelming desire for distraction from the voices echoing over and over again in his mind. He needed to calm down. He was already descending into hyperventilation and if he failed to get his breathing under control he would likely wake and alert the others, which was the last thing he wanted to occur. SO, GET IT TOGETHER, GOD DAMNIT!

Patton’s kind words entered his mind, reminding him of the breathing technique he had shown and helped him through on several occasions. Logan refused to disturb Patton at this hour over something so insignificant so decided to count through it himself. He brought his trembling hand, still clutching the toy to his chest. Moving with the expanding and deflating of his chest cavity. It took several frustrating tries of repeating the cycle before his breathing eventually began to slow, guided by Patton’s words and the pain eased. Logan prepared to attempt to lull himself back to sleep to combat the inevitable exhaustion he would feel tomorrow but just as he buried himself underneath his covers. A terror-fuelled scream forced him to his feet.

The screaming did not stop and was coming directly from Virgil and Declan’s room across the hall. What was happening? What manner of horrible thing was occurring to produce that reaction? Logan brain wouldn’t cease. Imagining scene after horrifying scene. He shook the images from his head and grabbed his glasses from his night-stand and rushed out of his room just in time to see Patton running into Virgil and Declan’s room. From his position by the door Logan could see Virgil’s trembling figure, hands desperately clawing at his skin as he screamed and cried out. Patton immediately took Virgil’s hands to prevent him from harming himself any further, attempting to talk to him as Virgil writhed in his grip.

“N-NO…NO…PLEASE…S-STOP…STOP IT…WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE!” Virgil shrieked as he struggled for every breath, his trembling body raked by tremors and seizing, fighting against Patton’s grasp but Patton held firm. Desperately trying to reach him with his soft, comforting words. “HURT ME INSTEAD…PLEASE DON’T HURT HIM…HURT ME…DON’T TOUCH HIM…W-WHERE IS HE?”.

Virgil’s screams only grew louder and more frantic in his anguish, as he begged for pain, begged for punishment, begged to take all of the hurt for himself to spare his brother. Logan’s gaze switched from Virgil to Declan who stood in his toddler bed, wailing, crying out for his brother, howling in their shared pain.

“Virgil, baby, look at me. Dee-Dee is okay, he is safe and so are you. Look at him, he is here and so are you. You aren’t there anymore,” Patton repeated softly, guiding Virgil’s head so he could see Declan, Patton then quickly stood, picking Declan up from his bed and placing him down onto Virgil’s bed before returning to holding Virgil arms and Virgil himself together as he broke down. Declan wrapped his tiny, shaking body around Virgil almost instinctively.

“I-I’m s-s-sorry…s-sorry…I-I’m bad…I’m bad…take me back…p-please…take me back,” Virgil whimpered almost inaudibly due to his gasps for air, in between pained wails. Virgil’s turmoil and breakdown was painful to watch, he couldn’t recall all the numerous times he had been in the same position, the same deafening thoughts circling like sharks in his mind awaiting the perfect moment to strike.

“No…no, you are not bad, you are perfect Virgil, okay? You are here. In your home. In your room. In your bed. I am here for you. I need you to breathe for me can you do that?” Patton asked extending a careful hand out towards Virgil’s chest and bringing Virgil’s hands which he still held in his own to his chest. “Just follow my breathing, you know what to do?”.

The breathing cycle began. Logan watched, frozen as they repeated it again and again and again. Until he was snapped out of his daze by a hand on his shoulder. He swiftly to see Roman, stony-faced and serious, very unlike the happy-go-lucky Roman from days prior, hour prior even. He had likely witnessed numerous of Virgil’s panic attacks in the past, knew his triggers and behaviours, knew his traumas and what he had been through before he was taken in by Patton.

“He had a flashback,” Roman stated with non of his usual flair or ferocity. “He used to get them all of the time, really bad ones, he would scream for hours that he was bad and that dad needed to take him back. They usually would only stop once he passed out but one time he got so sick and scared dad had to take him to the hospital, it was terrifying. At the time, I knew his mental health was bad but I had never, ever seen him like that before. It has been a while since his last one, I thought he was getting better,”.

Logan knew what a flashback was like. He had experienced them himself. Trapped in a loop of memories the past wouldn’t allow you to forget, replaying it over and over again until by some miraculous feat you broke out of it. He did not envy Roman, being forced to watch someone you care about go through something so horrible while being powerless to prevent or remedy it. It mustn’t have been easy growing up.

“I know you have nightmares too Logan,” Roman said unprompted. Logan’s body lurched, twisting rapidly toward Roman, reacting to what he had just said. “I can hear you in the middle of the night and it is obvious you aren’t sleeping,”.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Logan responded bluntly, turning away from Roman to once again face Patton and Virgil. Hoping he would drop the subject and not question him any further.

“Alright,” Roman answered and he remained true to his word, he didn’t probe any further.

Virgil’s breathing finally began to slow as did his whimpers and frantic whispering yet Patton’s comforting words and careful touch didn’t cease until Virgil’s body itself began to slow, as he quickly succumbed to exhaustion, allowing himself to slump into Patton’s open arms. Patton laid his sleeping figure down gently, covering his still trembling form with his weighted blanket before laying down next to him, running his fingers through Virgil’s hair, soothing him into what would be a hopefully dreamless slumber.

“Virg…Virge,” Declan whimpered reaching out towards Virgil.

“Come here, darling, come lie with daddy,” Patton whispered softly, urging Dee to lie down besides him. Patton held him close to his chest as they did and eventually he also drifted off to sleep along side Virgil as Patton watched over them.

Roman silently closed the door, removing any and all outside noise, allowing them all to sleep somewhat peacefully, despite the nights unpleasant events. Logan prepared to return to his room, to attempt to lull himself back to sleep. He expected Roman would do the same but instead Roman sat down on the hallway floor, back pressed against the door as if he were preparing to spend the night there.

“What are you doing Roman?” Logan asked curious to why Roman would decide to spend his night in the cold hallway rather than in the warmth of his own room.

“Just sitting here, I always do it, I’ll leave when dad does,” Roman explained. He was supporting Virgil the only way he knew how, by simply being present. It was a kind sentiment not the most practical but Logan didn’t want to argue so merely nodded and turned to return to his room.

“Night Logan,” Roman called out to him.

“Goodnight Roman,” Logan responded as he entered his room.

Logan did not sleep, given what he had seen, finding peace in sleep was impossible so he lay in bed, staring up at his imitation of the night sky. He sometimes wished he could lay underneath the real night sky, in a quiet, empty field, a cool breeze waving over him. Only himself and the stars. That would be nice.

Logan remained lost in his imagination until he caught a glimpse at his alarm clock, it had been half an hour since he entered his room and hadn’t heard Roman’s door. Was he still sitting outside of Virgil’s room? Perhaps Logan should check on him, just in case? Logan got out of his bed and left his room to see…yes…Roman, asleep, sitting on the floor. His head drooped to one side and his arms wrapped around his torso for warmth. There was a cool breeze present within the hallway, it sent a shiver through Logan’s body, he couldn’t imagine how cold Roman would be considering he was sleeping out here.

Logan went into Roman’s room picking up the soft, thick red blanket from his bed and bringing it out into the hallway, draping it over Roman’s sleeping form before returning to his own room. He sat on the edge of his bed, wide awake, he glanced upwards once again. At his stars. Despite their plastic construction, they provided him some sort of comfort. Logan didn’t understand why. It seemed he didn’t understand much of anything any more. Logan collapsed back onto this bed. He hoped Virgil was okay. Maybe, they could talk tomorrow. He wanted to support him through whatever had triggered his flashback but perhaps it was the similarities he shared with Virgil which resulted in this urge. The horrible things he screamed, Logan had often thought about himself but refused to voice, instead allowing them to infiltrate his mind and spiralling until he broke. Shattered. Unfixable. Broken. That is what he was.

Logan did not sleep that night.

Taglist: @i-do-not-dislike-fudge @poems-art-darkness-n-more @skylark-cain @amber1594 @darkrainbow333 @falseh0od @lovingcreatorstrawberry @gr3ml1n-loser @callboxkat @tacochippy @angelgrace003 @comicsimpson @themischievous-one @cobythinks @whatschooldoesntteachyou @fandomkitty8 @coloursintheblur @read-write-inspire-repeat @clinicalawesomeness @janus-sanders-deserves-better @scared-ghosthunter @silverstarlinedart @winterrose42 @dumbgayemo @imthatgrace2 @glitchybina @quietwords-loudthoughts @vanilla-rose-swirl @laurabrand

If you have any requests or questions about the series or want to be added to the taglist please don’t hesitate to send me an ask. Thanks.

#sander sides au #sander sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #deceit sanders #symapthetic deceit #thomas sanders #character thomas #Emile Picani #cartoon therapy #Adoption AU #original characters #My fic #My writing #home is where the hart is #found families

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atlawintersolstice · 4 years

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ATLA Winter Solstice 2020

ATLA Winter Solstice Exchange is a fanwork gift exchange for Avatar: The Last Airbender, in the style of Yuletide and similar AO3 exchanges.

You may offer and request fanfic, fanart, fanvids, and/or podfic.

2020 Schedule

All times are in Eastern Time (US and Canada).

October 26-November 2: Nominations are open.

November 2-11: Sign-ups are open.

November 14: All assignments will be sent out no later than this date.

December 7: Deadline to default (withdraw from the exchange).

December 14: Assignments are due.

December 21: Gifts revealed!

Rules

Gifts:

All types of gifts/assignments must be rated with one of the AO3 ratings (G, T, M, or E). Works must be newly created for this exchange, and not dependent on other works to be enjoyed.

Fanfiction gifts must be at least 1000 words. Beta readers are strongly encouraged.

Fanart should be a clean, complete work, not just a sketch. Traditional art is accepted, but should be scanned clearly. Art should include an image description (ID) for accessibility; let the mods know if you need help writing one.

Fanvids must be at least 60 seconds long.

Podfic must be of a fic that is at least 1000 words in length.

Treats (which can be given without signing up) must have a rating, but they can be sketches or below the minimum length requirements.

All creators are encouraged to carefully consider implications of their work with regard to race, culture, sexuality, gender (including trans and gender non-conforming folks), disability, healthy relationships, intersectionality, etc. Fic writers are encouraged to do research and consult beta readers and sensitivity readers; artists are encouraged to do research on whitewashing and invite others to preview their work. At the same time, the burden is not on marginalized groups. Please consult the mods if you have any questions or need assistance.

Content:

In order to keep this exchange a fun, safe space, works containing incest or romantic/sexual relationships between adults and minors are not allowed. Depictions of suicide and self-harm are prohibited; discussion of past self-harm is allowed as long as it's properly tagged. Scenes of rape/noncon/dubcon (i.e., requiring the archive warning) are also not allowed, but works that discuss sexual trauma (without graphic flashbacks) are permitted, and must be tagged. Consensual sexual content is allowed, but if that is something you are not comfortable viewing and/or creating, please be sure to indicate that in your sign-up. The relevant ratings, archive warnings, and tags MUST be used, for these and any other possibly triggering topics, including but not limited to kinks, eating disorders, abuse, panic attacks, mental health disorders, violence, and death. Additionally, your recipient's Do Not Want list MUST be respected.

Conduct:

Respect the other participants. Do not bash or insult their work, their ships, their requests, etc.

Please see the section "Defaulting and Pinch Hits" of the FAQ for rules around difficulty completing assignments.

Contact the mods at atlawintersolstice on tumblr if you have any issues or questions.

The moderator reserves the right to update these rules as necessary.

More information under the cut.

More information:

Participation:

Participants must both create and receive a gift, but they can separately choose the details of each. An AO3 account is necessary to participate in the exchange. If you do not have one already, and need an invitation, please visit the AO3 invite request page, or, if the wait list is too long, message the mods at atlawintersolstice on tumblr.

Nominations:

Nominating relationships (of any sort, whether familial or romantic) and characters allows participants to then offer and request those relationships and characters when signing up. If you would like to receive or create a gift with certain characters and/or relationships that aren't already in the tag set, you need to nominate them. You can do so by visiting the tag set and clicking nominate at some point before nominations close. You may nominate up to 20 characters and 20 relationships. There is no need to nominate something already nominated; if it has been nominated and approved, it is in the tag set and available for use in the exchange.

Sign-Ups:

In order to sign up, you need an AO3 account (see "Participation," above). You must be willing to both create ("offer") a gift and receive ("request") a gift in order to participate, but your offer and your request may or may not be the same format, relationship, characters, etc. You can only make one offer and one request due to this being a single-fandom exchange, but each offer and request may contain multiple relationships and characters. You will be assigned to give a gift to someone with someone whose request has at least one character, one relationship, and one format in common with your offer. To get started, click "Sign-Up Form." After submitting your sign-up, you may edit or delete it until sign-ups close. After receiving your assignment, please default immediately if you will not be able to create a fanwork for the exchange (more information below).

Requests:

The first step of sign-up is your request. You will see that you only have the option for one fandom, but you must choose 3-10 characters and 3-10 relationships that you would like to have featured in your gift (these characters and relationships may overlap). If you are happy to receive gifts with ANY characters or relationships in the tag set, you may check one or both of those boxes, but you should check the tag set first. Then use the additional tags to select the types of fanwork you would be happy to receive (art, fic, podfic, or fanvid); you may select "any." You should also select categories that you are willing to receive (F/M, F/F, Multi, Other, etc.) and ratings (G, T, M, E) that you are willing to receive. Please ignore "Not Rated" as all gifts for this exchange are required to be rated. If you do not wish to receive sexual content, leave “Explicit" unchecked. You can uncheck "Mature" as well, but many creators use that rating for violence or other topics besides sex. Again, you may also agree to receive any rating or any category.

Dear Creator Letter:

This box is an optional opportunity for you to include a link to a post on your tumblr, Dreamwidth, etc. containing a friendly letter to your gift giver. You may tell the creator your fannish likes and dislikes, offer prompts, etc. However, anything in these letters is optional for the creator to include.

Optional Details:

This box can be used in a similar way to the Dear Creator Letter, but it should also contain any of your Do Not Wants (DNW), if you have any. While the creator is not required to follow your prompts, favorite tropes, etc., they are required to adhere to your DNW list as provided in the optional details box. Please list any background characters/relationships, triggers, squicks, topics, genres, tropes, etc. that you Do Not Want to see in your gift. Anyone requesting fanvids is encouraged to note any of their accessibility needs here, such as no flashing lights. Anyone requesting podfics is encouraged to provide more information, such as a link to your own fics or your bookmarked fics. You do not need to list topics covered in the "Content" rules of this exchange in your DNW list, as they are already not allowed in this exchange.

Offers:

In the offers section, you should fill in 3-10 characters and 3-10 relationships that you are willing to feature in your fanwork. To reiterate, these may or may not overlap with your requests, and relationships can be romantic (/) or friendly/familial (&). If you choose ANY, it means any in the tag set. You may not later specify that you meant "anything but that one." Then use the additional tags to select which types of fanwork (art, fic, fanvid, or podfic) you are willing to create. You should also select what categories you are willing to create for and what ratings you are willing to create for. If you do not want to create explicit content, please leave that box unchecked. You will not be required to create explicit content if you check the box, but you may be matched with someone who has included explicit content in their request. If you want to keep your experience free of such content, uncheck the box.

Assignments:

You will be assigned to give a gift to someone with someone whose request has at least one character, one relationship, and one format in common with your offer. You are not required to feature every relationship or character that is listed in your recipient's request, as they have likely cast a wide net for the purposes of matching. If you were matched on request X, but see that the participant also asked for request Y, you may create your fanwork for request Y.

Recipients are invited to write Dear Creator Letters, provide optional prompts, and share the tropes, etc. that they enjoy. You are not required to use the optional prompt or include your creator's favorite things besides the character or relationship tags they used to sign up. You ARE required to comply with the recipient's Do Not Want list as provided in the optional details section of their sign-up, along with the "Content" rules for this exchange. Please see the Rules for more details on permissible gifts. If you are writing fic, you are encouraged to use a beta reader. The mods can help refer you to potential beta readers.

Defaulting and Pinch Hits:

If at any point you realize that you are unable to complete your assignment, please click "default" in the AO3 assignments page ASAP. If you default after the deadline to default, but before the assignment deadline, you will be required to post a treat before you can participate in the next Winter Solstice exchange. You are encouraged to default out of caution sooner rather than later. If you default, then it turns out that you are able to create a gift, you can still give it. (Your recipient will receive more than one gift in that case, both your gift and a pinch hit.)

Extensions are granted on a case-by-case basis and are intended to account for last-minute emergencies. Extensions must be requested at least 24 hours before the assignment deadline. If your gift giver defaulted on your gift, and you have been granted an extension, you will not receive a pinch hit until you have completed your assignment.

If you do not submit your gift without communicating with the mods, submit an unfinished work, delete your completed assignment, disrespect other participants, fail to comply with your recipient's DNW list, or fail to comply with the content rules, you will not be allowed to participate in next year's Winter Solstice exchange.

Pinch hitters fulfill requests that someone has defaulted on. Pinch hit assignments will be sent out as soon as the mods are aware there is a need for one, but some pinch hits may be last minute. You do not have to be signed up for the exchange to claim a pinch hit, but you do need to have an AO3 account, and provide your AO3 username when claiming the assignment. If the pinch hit is assigned to you, you will be notified by the mods, and see the request in the "Assignment" section of the AO3 challenge page. If you would like to sign up as a pinch hitter, please contact the mods at atlawintersolstice on tumblr.

If you default and your gift giver defaults, you will not be assigned a pinch hitter.

Treats:

Treats are bonus gifts. You do not need to be signed up for the challenge to give a treat, you just need an AO3 account. You can submit your treat by clicking "Post to Collection." You can find inspiration for treats by looking through the Requests Summary on the challenge page, or if a pinch hit opportunity is sent out. Even if someone else has claimed the pinch hit, you can still create a treat for the pinch hit, or a treat based on a request that is being fulfilled and hasn't gone to pinch hitters. Treats can also be shorter than gifts/assignments; see the "Gifts" section of the Rules.

Gifting

To honor the "surprise!" spirit of this exchange, please do not post snippets, details, sneak peeks, etc. of your work. All gifts will be revealed on the Winter Solstice. Likewise, honor the gift-giving spirit by thanking your gift giver!

Acknowledgements

Credit to Yuletide, Holly Poly, and Mistletoe exchanges for inspiring much of the format, rules, etc.

#atla fic #atla #fic exchange #fanworks exchange

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lionheartslowstart · 5 years

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F*cking Allergies

Many people don’t know that I have incredibly serious allergies to animals. I say animals because there are very few animals that I am NOT allergic to. Pretty much every animal with fur, to be precise. I’ve never been able to have a “normal” pet (although we did have a chameleon once and I loved her lots), and this has caused me immense sadness throughout my life. When I was little, I desperately wanted a cat, and it broke my heart when my mom explained to me why I couldn’t have one. I hate being around animals because it’s painful. I love animals, I’ve always loved animals. I want more than anything in the world to have something I could pick up and snuggle.

My allergies create awkward situations with other people as well. People often assume I don’t like their animals, or that my allergies aren’t as severe as I’m claiming. People have to put their animals away, or not bring their animals somewhere where I’m going to be. But the worst part is what people say when I tell them I have severe allergies. Nine times out of ten, I hear a response like, “What about hypoallergenic cats/dogs?” or, “Well, so-and-so is allergic to cats/dogs but they’re fine around MY pet,” or, “What about hairless cats/dogs?” It’s almost as if I haven’t been living with these allergies my whole life. It makes me so frustrated and angry when people make suggestions, or give examples of other people they know who grew out of their allergies or had “exceptions.” It feels like I’m being talked down to. I’m 25, don’t you think I’ve considered all of these things before? But honestly, the worst part is how depressed these conversations make me. I don’t want or need to constantly be reminded of how bad my allergies are. I don’t want or need to explain over and over why I’ll never be able to have a pet. So please, if someone tells you they have allergies and provisions have to be made for them, be kind and just do what needs to be done. Please don’t ask questions or make suggestions. Assume that if the person with allergies is telling you how something is, that’s probably how it is. For the record, when I say my allergies are severe, I mean they are SEVERE. They are worse for some animals (horses and rabbits are the worst), but they are always terrible. I can only be in the room with a fur baby for MAYBE two hours, tops. And again, that depends on the animal. In addition to “traditional” allergies, like sneezing, red and watery eyes, hives, swelling, itchiness, etc., I also become asthmatic. If I’m exposed to an animal for too long, as in I go home wheezing, I almost always end up being sick for a week. My allergies are so fucked that if you even touch an animal I’m allergic to and then touch me, I will break out in hives in that spot. YEAH. It sucks. I hate it. But get this, I’m not just allergic to the fur. I’m allergic to the skin AND the saliva as well, which is why hypoallergenic pets do not work for me. So I promise you, your pet is NOT an exception. If your pet is a: cat, dog, horse, rabbit, hamster, guinea pig, rat, mouse, goat, sheep, or anything related to these animals, I am allergic to it. (I’m pretty sure I’m not allergic to pigs, and if that’s true, I’d love to have one some day. The jury is out on cows.) At one point I was getting shots, and it’s something I would consider doing again, but those shots are only 80% effective, and that’s on people with much less acute allergies than myself. As sad as this all is, there is one thing above all else that makes having these allergies so shitty. It’s no secret that I have mental health issues. I am chock-full of diagnoses. I have nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, depressive episodes, suicidal bouts, manic episodes, dissociative episodes, and more. There have also been plenty of points in my life where I’ve felt isolated, alone, rejected, dismissed, ignored, etc. And during these times, I wish more than anything else that I had an emotional support animal. The concept of an emotional support animal is genius, and the people who have them are very, very lucky. Maybe, if I had an emotional support animal, I would have made more progress in terms of my emotion regulation by now. Or, at the very least, I wouldn’t rely so much on the very small number of people in my life. I’d be less of a burden because I’d have a fur baby to help me through my break downs. It’s something I think about a lot, especially when I’m feeling particularly alone.

As I said, I have very few people in my life, and even fewer people I feel safe and vulnerable with, and that number is dwindling still. It’s a terrible combination of not trusting people with my vulnerability, and not wanting to burden people with my problems. I know that no one can be emotionally available 100% of the time, so when someone tells me that they can’t be there for me in that exact moment, I respect it, even though it hurts. The problem comes when everyone in my life either has not reached that level of trust with me, breaks that trust, or is not in a place to be emotionally available. When literally everyone around you falls into one of those categories, it can make an empty room feel like an empty house, if that makes sense. It just compounds on the loneliness and sadness you’re already feeling. I hope that one day medicine catches up with me. I’d love to be able to have a cat. Even just to lay next to me in bed when I’m depressed, so I’m not alone.

#pets #allergies #allergy #asthma #animals #fur #fur babies #emotional support animals #mental illness #mental health

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scripttorture · 6 years

Note

I'm not sure if this is more of a shrink kinda question or not but -- say I have a character that was manipulated/coerced into 'willingly' working for someone, and upon being freed (against their will) they are still regarded as bad/evil and pretty much ignored by the 'good guys' until he messes up, big time by trying to kill the very same someone. What would be some possible hints that he could show that would make the others at least get the idea that things are not as clear they seem?

Interesting question, I’d say there’s probably a lot of overlap withShrink’s area. I’m willing to give it a go but I think taking a look atScriptShrink and ScriptTraumaSurvivors blogs would also be really helpful.

I think the best way to seed something like this is to pick out somesymptoms for this character and show them consistently in small ways throughthe story.

Without greater detail about what this character goes through I’m notsure I can suggest anything definite symptom wise. Without knowing whether he’sbeen through or witnessed trauma and the frequency of any events I don’t knowwhat might be applicable.

Ifhe’s experienced, witnessed or participated in torture than this Masterpostcovers the most common symptoms.

The vast majority of those symptoms also apply for other forms oftrauma, especially those that violate bodily autonomy.

I’ll come back to some suggestions if the character hasn’t actually gone through anything inarguably traumatising butfirst I’ll put down a few ways to handle the character assuming they havewitnessed torture regularly. (Note- if the character was tortured himself hewould be much less likely tocooperate with in any capacity).

We can’t predict symptoms. The lists of symptoms I put up are basically ‘mostlikely possibilities’. Most survivors experience multiple symptoms but notevery individual is going to experience every possible symptom.

I always suggest picking symptoms based on what you feel fits thecharacter and the story. Sometimes that means tying something to the character’spersonality and sometimes that means choosing something because you know it will be the most difficult thingon the list for that character to deal with.

Personally when I’m picking symptoms for my characters I want them tostruggle, I like exploring the ways they cope with difficulties.

What your ‘good guys’ are going to see is going to be those copingstrategies. They vary widely from person to person and again vary withsymptoms.

I think a general way to approach it would be to have the character comeacross as…disengaged, withdrawn and flaky.

If he’s depressed, dissociating or having a flashback that can commonlycome across as someone not paying attention. Not following the conversationproperly, not maintaining eye contact, withdrawn body language and what canseem like a…..lack of willingness to respond.

The worst way for the ‘good guys’ to take that sort of thing would be ‘self-centred’,‘day dreaming’ and generally conclude from that the character isn’t trying.

The symptoms that are often more- let’s say ‘high energy’- the hypervigilance,panic attacks and anxiety might be easier to use to show that something isdefinitely wrong here. But that mightalso make it harder for your ‘good guys’ to plausibly miss the ‘signs’.

That said hypervigilance doesn’t mean that he’ll be visibly jumping ateverything, panic attacks aren’t always visible and anxiety can be bottled upto some degree.

I’d probably write that by having the character appear ‘fidgety’ andnervous around the ‘good guys’ and then perhaps include a few glimpses of himgoing completely to pieces outside face to face contact. Someone passing by inthe corridor notices a man standing around outside an interview room shaking.Or someone notice him leaving hours after he was supposed to (without directlymentioning it’s because he locked himself in a bathroom for hours).

Addiction, insomnia and self harm all have physical symptoms you coulduse to hint at the problem before you’re ready to explicitly reveal it.

Given the scenario you’ve outlined social isolation seems like a given.Whatever other symptoms he has that will probably feed into them to some degreeand depending on the extent it could make every single symptom worse.

Youcan read a bit more about the effects of extreme isolation (solitaryconfinement) here.

I often recommend authors try to portray memory problems in survivors.That’s because they’re extremely common in real life and extremely under-representedin fiction.

The memory problems associated with torture tend to come in four broadcategories: intrusive memories,essentially constantly being reminded of awful things the charactersaw/survived, memory loss, which isusually of events either immediately before or immediately after a traumaticevent but can include traumatic events themselves or (more commonly) the peoplewho did them, false memories,survivors often have inaccurate memories of traumatic events which nevertheless feel very real (thiscan be things like incorrectly remembering the order of events, thinking a doorwas on the other side of a room or for one off attacks incorrectly identifyingthe attacker), and finally generalforgetfulness, which makes it difficult to keep appointments, get to workon time and function on a basic level.

A lot of these could be worked in to your story and interpreted by the ‘goodguys’ as the character ‘not wanting to give them accurate intel’, ‘not tryinghard enough’ or just not caring.

If the character hasn’t been regularly witnessing torture and you wantto write as manipulated and plagued by guilt rather than a more traditionalvictim role some of this advice still applies.

Someone who has been under a lot of stress isn’t going to have aparticularly accurate memory of stressful events. Someone who has ‘mild’depression might still come across as withdrawn, awkward and uncooperative.

What I tend to try and portray as signs something is ‘wrong’ without itnecessarily being a traumatic event are…a sense that the character doesn’t feelable to stand up for themselves. That when confronted with a forcefulpersonality they stop talking, they nod along. That they wait for people tonotice they’re struggling and offer to help but don’t clearly communicate they’rehaving trouble because they expect their issues to be ignored.

I show avoidance and a self-depreciating sense of humour and havecharacters derailing conversations when it gets too close to somethingimportant.

There’s an awful lot of scope to choose from and that can seem pretty daunting.I tend to choose pretty instinctively by thinking primarily about thecharacter. In the end what symptoms you choose to give them and how theymanifest needs to be something you can use to show us something about thecharacter.

I hope that helps. :)

Disclaimer

#tw torture #tw abuse #psychological effects of torture #emotional effects of torture #mental health #Anonymous

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ao3-feed-musketeers · 7 years

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A December to Forget

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2ifAAy4

by venea_taur

This is another collection of stories based on prompts, though ones I've selected rather randomly. It's designed to fit a traditional advent Christmas calendar.

Chapter 1: Treville is watching over an ill Aramis as he sleeps when the young man has the first of many nightmares after showing up on his doorstep. (modernAU)

I'll add to the tags as the stories are added.

Words: 1642, Chapters: 1/24, Language: English

Series: Part 2 of Windy City Mukseteers

Fandoms: The Musketeers (2014)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: Gen

Characters: Aramis, Treville

Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Massacre, Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Flashback, Panic Attack, Mentions of Abortion

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2ifAAy4

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #BBC Musketeers

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ao3feed-mythology · 5 years

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Ye Who I Have Loved

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2YTtpyG

by Darkrealmist

A fragment of Earthbound God Uru burrowed itself into Rally Dawson after Rudger Goodwin switched places with him during his first Duel against Fudo Yusei. Now, the entity is stirring, threatening to consume Rally from within, unless Team 5D’s acts quickly.

Words: 830, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's, Yu-Gi-Oh! Zexal, Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Aztec Religion, Mayan Religions & Oral Traditions, Meso-American Religions & Oral Traditions, Indiana Jones Series, Greek and Roman Mythology

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Characters: Rua (Yu-Gi-Oh), Rally Dawson, Ruka (Yu-Gi-Oh), Fudou Yuusei, Jack Atlas, Izayoi Aki, Crow Hogan, Dr. Schmidt (Yu-Gi-Oh), Martha (Yu-Gi-Oh), Nerve (Yu-Gi-Oh), Taka (Yu-Gi-Oh), Blitz (Yu-Gi-Oh), Yeager (Yu-Gi-Oh), Rudger Godwin, Rex Godwin, Carly Nagisa, Sagiri Mikage, Stephanie (Yu-Gi-Oh), Misty Lola, Demak (Yu-Gi-Oh), Divine, Quetzalcoatl, Earthbound Immortal Uru, Earthbound Immortal Ccarayhua, Ancient Fairy Dragon, No. 96 Black Mist, Azcatl, Inti, Mama Quilla, Arachne (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore)

Relationships: Rua (Yu-Gi-Oh)/Rally Dawson, Jack Atlas/Carly Nagisa, Jack Atlas/Sagiri Mikage, Jack Atlas/Stephanie (Yu-Gi-Oh)

Additional Tags: Action, Action/Adventure, Action & Romance, Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Affection, Aftermath of Possession, Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anger, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Animal Attack, Animalistic, Animal Metaphors, Animals, Anime, Anime/Manga Fusion, Ants, Arguing, Asian Character(s), Astral Projection, Awkward Conversations, Bad Ideas, Battle, Beds, Bedside Vigils, Belonging, Bickering, Big Brothers, Birthmarks, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Character of Color, Bisexual Male Character, Bittersweet, Bonding, Books, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Boys' Love, Brainwashing, Brothers, Brother-Sister Relationships, Bugs & Insects, Cages, Canon Backstory, Canon Character of Color, Canon Het Relationship, Canonical Character Death, Canon Relationships, Canon Temporary Character Death, Captivity, Card Games, Catholic Imagery, Catholicism, Character(s) of Color, Childhood Friends, Class Differences, Class Issues, Comfort, Complete, Confrontations, Corruption, Cross-cultural, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cults, Cultural References, Curses, Cute, Cute Kids, Dark Fantasy, Dark Magic, Darkness, Death, Demonic Possession, Demons, Denial, Despair, Desperation Play, Destiny, Devils, Devotion, Doctor/Patient, Doctors & Physicians, Double Entendre, Doubt, Dragons, Drama, Drama & Romance, Duelling, Duel Monsters, During Canon, Eating, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Enemies, Episode Related, Established Relationship, Evil, Exhaustion, Exorcisms, Explanations, Eye Color, Family, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fanfiction, Fanservice, Fantasy, Fate, Fate & Destiny, Fear, Fear of Death, Feelings, Feels, Female Character of Color, Female Protagonist, Feral Behavior, Fever Dreams, Ficlet, Fights, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Food Metaphors, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Friends to Lovers, Giant Spiders, God Complex, Gods, Guilt, Harm to Children, Having Faith, Hatred, Heartache, Heartbeats, Heroes & Heroines, Het and Slash, Historical Fantasy, Historical References, Holding Hands, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Hope vs. Despair, Hugs, Human Biology, Human Sacrifice, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Imprisonment, Indiana Jones References, In-Jokes, Internal Conflict, Japanese Character(s), Judgment, Justice, Kaiju, LGBTQ Character of Color, Little Sisters, Loss of Control, Love, Love Stories, Loyalty, Magic, Magical Inheritance, Magic and Science, Magic-Users, Male Antagonist, Male Character of Color, Male Protagonist, Male Slash, Manipulation, Mayan Mythology - Freeform, Medical, Medical Examination, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Professionals, Medicine, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Coercion, Mental Link, Metaphors, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Minor Canonical Character(s), Minor Character Death, Minor Character(s), Monsters, Moon, Multiple Pairings, Murderers, Near Death, Near Death Experiences, Nervousness, Nightmare Fuel, Oblivious, Occult, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Originally Posted Elsewhere, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Orphans, Pain, Panic, Past Brainwashing, Past Character Death, Past Mind Control, Plans, Poison, Possession, Post-Possession, Power Dynamics, Prayer, Pride, Prison, Prisoner of War, Protectiveness, Protective Siblings, Psychic Violence, Psychological Drama, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Punishment, Puns & Word Play, Puppeteer, Puppets, Queer Youth, Questioning, Rare Characters, Rare Pairings, References to Aztec Religion & Lore, References to Canon, Relationship Reveal, Religious Cults, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Responsibility, Resurrection, Revenge, Rituals, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Romantic Gestures, Sacrifice, Sappy, Sappy Ending, Science, Science Fiction, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Self-Sacrifice, Sharing a Body, Shock, Short, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, Shounen-ai, Showing Off, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Siblings, Sisters, Slash, Sleepiness, Sleepy Boys, Sleepy Cuddles, Some Humor, Soul Bond, Spiders, Spirit Animals, Spiritual, Strategy & Tactics, Strong Female Characters, Studying, Substitution, Suffering, Sun God, Supernatural Elements, Superpowers, Surprises, Survival, Suspense, Sweet, Team, Team Dynamics, Team Feels, Temporary Character Death, Tears, Teasing, Terminal Illnesses, Trapped, Twins, Underworld, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Urban Fantasy, Villains, Visions, War, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Watching, Wordcount: 100-1.000, Wordcount: 500-1.000, Wordcount: Under 10.000, Worry, Young Love

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2YTtpyG

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ao3feed-kakairu · 5 years

Text

Equilibrium

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2UOSHR9

by InvaildHuman, VirusZeref

Long before countries warred over petty reasons, a being lurked in what is now the Nara forest.

They watched and listened.

Waiting.

Words: 4385, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Naruto

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death

Categories: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi

Characters: Uzumaki Naruto, Nara Shikamaru, Nara Shikaku, Nara Yoshino, Nara Ensui, Yamanaka Ino, Akimichi Chouji, Akimichi Chouza, Yamanaka Inoichi, Yamanaka Ino's Mother, Akimichi Chouji's Mother, Hyuuga Hinata, Hyuuga Neji, Rock Lee, Gaara (Naruto), Temari (Naruto), Kankurou (Naruto), Hatake Kakashi, Orochimaru (Naruto), Jiraiya (Naruto), Tsunade (Naruto), Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura, Inner Haruno Sakura, Inuzuka Kiba, Aburame Shino, Sarutobi Asuma, Tenten (Naruto), Yuuhi Kurenai, Maito Gai | Might Guy, Umino Iruka, Sarutobi Hiruzen, Konoha Ninjas, ANBU (Naruto), ANBU Root, Shimura Danzou, Original Non-Human Character(s), Original Female Character(s)

Relationships: Nara Shikamaru/Uzumaki Naruto, Gaara/Uzumaki Naruto, Gaara/Nara Shikamaru, Gaara/Nara Shikamaru/Uzumaki Naruto, Nara Shikaku/Nara Yoshino, Nara Shikako & Nara Shikaku & Nara Yoshino, Gaara & Nara Shikamaru, Gaara & Uzumaki Naruto, Akimichi Chouji & Nara Shikamaru & Yamanaka Ino, Hyuuga Hinata/Yamanaka Ino, Jiraiya/Orochimaru (Naruto), Jiraiya/Tsunade (Naruto), Orochimaru/Tsunade (Naruto), Akimichi Chouza & Nara Shikaku & Yamanaka Inoichi, Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy/Umino Iruka

Additional Tags: BAMF Uzumaki Naruto, BAMF Nara Shikamaru, BAMF Nara Shikaku, BAMF Nara Yoshino, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Canon Het Relationship, Alternate Universe, Mythology - Freeform, Kitsune, Boys in Skirts, Genderfluid Character, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Worldbuilding, Polyamory, Polyamorous Character, Original Character(s), Hyuuga Neji Lives, fuck danzo, Danzo Is His Own Warning, Blood, Gore, Weapons, LGBTQ Themes, LGBTQ Character, Homophobic Language, Sexism, Feminism, Supernatural Elements, Spirits, Team as Family, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Family Bonding, Family Secrets, Family, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Parent-Child Relationship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Fix-It of Sorts, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Queerplatonic Relationships, Torture, clan dynamics, Clan Politics, Politics, Attempted Murder, Kidnapping, Non-traditional marriage, Marriage, Implied Sexual Content, Pegging, Public Sex, Public Display of Affection, Fingering, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Panic Attacks, Separation Anxiety, Slow Burn, Child Neglect

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2UOSHR9

#IFTTT #ao3feed #kakairu #kakashi/iruka #Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka

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ao3feed-narugaa · 5 years

Text

Equilibrium

read it on ao3 at http://bit.ly/2UOSHR9

by InvaildHuman, VirusZeref

Long before countries warred over petty reasons, a being lurked in what is now the Nara forest.

They watched and listened.

Waiting.

Words: 4385, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Naruto

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death

Categories: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi

read it on ao3 at http://bit.ly/2UOSHR9

#naruto #narugaa #ao3feed

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dr-disease · 6 years

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Complex PTSD

The majority of us have heard about PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), the condition that can occur when someone is exposed to a situation over which they had little or no control and from which there was little or no hope of escape. It is often associated with members of the military who have witnessed the horrors of battle, or with people who have endured an extreme physical or emotional trauma. PTSD can occur after experiencing even just one threatening situation, such as being involved in a car accident. But, what about those who have gone through long-term exposure to a continuing, intense level of stress?

Recently, mental health experts have begun to realize there are more layers to the emotional suffering experienced by people who have been through long-lasting stressors like childhood sexual abuse, for example, or years of domestic violence. In cases like these, a PTSD diagnosis partly addresses their condition, but doesn’t adequately define the severe psychological harm that has resulted from the trauma. Therefore, some mental health professionals now believe there should be a new category added to the PTSD diagnosis – one that will encompass this emotional scarring from long-term, chronic trauma: Complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

Even with this new classification, it is important to note that the victims of chronic trauma can have both PTSD and Complex PTSD simultaneously. Here is an easy way to see the differences between the two conditions:

A child witnessing the death of a friend in an accident may show some symptoms of PTSD

A child who has lived with years of sexual or physical abuse may have symptoms of C-PTSD in addition to PTSD.

CPTSD Symptoms

People who have gone through a long-standing, extremely traumatic situation may exhibit both physical and emotional symptoms related to their ordeal.

Emotional symptoms may include:

Rage displayed through violence, destruction of property, or theft

Depression, denial, fear of abandonment, thoughts of suicide, anger issues

Low self-esteem, panic attacks, self-loathing

Perfectionism, blaming others instead of dealing with a situation, selective memory

Loss of faith in humanity, distrust, isolation, inability to form close personal relationships

Shame, guilt, focusing on wanting revenge

Flashbacks, memory repression, dissociation

Victims of C-PTSD may also have physical symptoms, such as:

Eating disorders, substance abuse, alcoholism, promiscuity

Chronic pain

Cardiovascular problems

Gastrointestinal problems.

Migraines

Help for Complex PTSD

With Complex PTSD, healing cannot happen on its own because the survivor keeps reliving the trauma through flashbacks and dreams. People who suffer from C-PTSD may go for years before making the connection between their symptoms and the chronic stress and trauma they have been trying to cope with. Once they do, healing can begin and many people have been able to overcome their past to find a more meaningful and healthy present.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to be highly effective in treating both PTSD and Complex PTSD. This therapy works to change unhelpful thinking and behaviors. It challenges deep-seated patterns and beliefs. CBT therapy helps replace “errors in thinking” (for example: magnifying negatives, minimizing positives, and overthinking) with more realistic and effective thoughts. This serves to decrease both emotional distress and self-defeating behaviors.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a fairly new therapy that helps specifically in the treatment of trauma recovery and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/CPTSD. It has been shown to help trauma survivors heal faster than through traditional therapy. In fact, EMDR can be successful in as few as 3-12 treatment sessions. This means that relief from your pain is not only possible but it can be obtained in a relatively short amount of time.

We Can Help

Complex PTSD can be debilitating. Those who suffer from CPTSD may be at greater risk of substance abuse or of deliberate self-harm in order to cope with their emotional pain. We can help! To learn more, contact the mental health professionals at The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders in Delray Beach, Florida at 561-496-1094 or email The Center today. http://centerforanxietydisorders.com/complex-ptsd/

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ao3feed-mythology · 5 years

Text

Ye Who I Have Loved

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2YTtpyG

by Darkrealmist

Words: 830, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Relationships: Rua (Yu-Gi-Oh)/Rally Dawson, Jack Atlas/Carly Nagisa, Jack Atlas/Sagiri Mikage, Jack Atlas/Stephanie (Yu-Gi-Oh)

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2YTtpyG

0 notes

ao3feed-mythology · 5 years

Text

Ye Who I Have Loved

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2YTtpyG

by Darkrealmist

Words: 830, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Relationships: Rua (Yu-Gi-Oh)/Rally Dawson, Jack Atlas/Carly Nagisa, Jack Atlas/Sagiri Mikage, Jack Atlas/Stephanie (Yu-Gi-Oh)

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2YTtpyG

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