#not me crying in my car on a thursday night or whatever
Note
When I saw the first guardians film in middle school, my love of our favorite raccoon began. Finding a community of Rocket lovers after keeping it silently inside for so long is special (in a way I can't articulate without sounding goofy bc it's an anthropomorphic raccoon we're talking about here). I graduate from college this weekend and want to thank you for your stories getting me through hard times and motivationless days. It's given me a knew way to enjoy the movies I've watched so many times :) What was the media that got you super into Rocket and inspired your fiction writing? Much love!!
first and foremost, i want to congratulate you. school is not easy, and i swear it gets harder and feels more high-pressure/high-stakes every year. i hope that your time at college has given you more learning experiences than all-nighters, more opportunities than stressors, and more joy than hardship. and i hope that you are able to take everything you’ve earned and enjoy your freedom from university surrounded by good people, with plenty of time and resources to do the things you love. if you haven’t yet, please take time to sit and breathe and really soak up the fact that you did this. be proud of yourself. you fucken deserve it.
secondly, i read this while walking to the parking garage at 11pm after helping at an event for my college students (i work at a university) and i had to sit in my car and wait till i stopped tearing up so i could drive home. this truly made me so happy and im so glad my silly stories made things even just a little easier for you. ♡
so, my falling in love with rocket was a process. (cue me narrating this for three paragraphs like a schoolgirl with her first crush)
when we first saw rocket’s back in gotg1 i was like, oh. he’s in so much pain. between that + his fucken sarcasm, i complained afterward that the movie would’ve been so much better if he was the main character (lol). i started lazily dabbling in comics content then. i hadn’t been big into marvel comics before (more of a dc/image comics kid) but rocket and groot were becoming my faves. i loved gotg2. so much more focus on rocket, and yondu’s arc had me bawling like a baby. gotg2 made me like gotg1 more, which is part of how i judge the quality of a narrative series tbh (and why i think series are so hard to make). when the first gotg3 trailer came out and it was clear this was rocket’s story, i was obsessed. i didnt watch any additional trailers or read any more comics — rare for me. i wanted to go in completely blank. then i went back to the theatre to rewatch it three additional times (i have never before gone to see a movie more than once in the theatre). i was like… almost bursting with love for this stupid raccoon at this point.
then i got around to reading his grounded comic arc, and it was like — the dam burst. i hadn’t written fanfiction since 2017ish, and hadn’t been on tumblr since 2016, but i was like — i have to write about this fucken raccoon. i need to take care of him lol.
so when you ask what media - i guess all of it? in increments? because of course now ive watched most of his various cartoon incarnations, read probably 70% of the comics content, halfway through a stream of the 2021 game, have one of the novels (sitting on the tbr pile) and frankly the love just continues to grow.
now that ive taken up thirty-two years of your life, i just want to say im so glad you found this fandom and this community. he may be an anthropomorphic raccoon but he’s meaningful to people, in so many ways. im so very very glad that he could be that for you, and that you’re here.
congrats again, nonnie. i hope post-graduation life rewards you with supportive people who love and understand you, with joyful new experiences, good health, and everything you need to live happily and fully.
#not me crying in my car on a thursday night or whatever#nonnie#rfh asks#thank you#you’re so sweet#rocket raccoon#guardians of the galaxy
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AITA for being the reason my mom and her boyfriend broke up?
My (23) mom has been with this person since I was 7 years old. They do not nor have they ever lived together (in fact, he lives a state away and drives here every thursday-sunday). To his credit, he has shown up for me for orchestra concerts, graduation, flight pick ups, etc almost my whole life whereas my dad has not. However I have not liked him since I was around 17 years old (we were in the middle of a very long drive two states away from home yet AT NIGHT. My mom has high anxiety and can't see very well at night and he screamed at her for not driving but then didn't even stop the car to let her drive anyway?? And when she started crying he jerked the radio up to the highest volume and ignored me kicking and yelling at him in the back because I could've driven instead but whatever)
Anyway. He has a history of tantrums and outbursts like the above. He's never been violent, but one time he hid my mom's cat's ashes just to upset her. He broke her potted plants, showed up at her work to yell at her more, etc. Thanksgiving of 2020, he had me cornered against the wall and was screaming in my face about how ungrateful and disrespectful I am because I didnt talk to him enough while I was home for break. We ended up having to leave our house and stay at a friend's.
And yet my mom forgave him because he cried and apologized to her. But never to me. And she expected me to forgive and move on because she "knows he has a good heart."
Anyway anyway, my mom knew how I felt after that. To prevent him having meltdowns on Christmas or his birthday or fathers day, she would get him gifts and put my name on them. Which I never asked her to do.
Well this year for Christmas he decided I once again was not being grateful or respectful or appreciate enough to/for him. My mom told me to call him and apologize and I said no, because he's never apologized to me and I didn't think I had even done anything. Plus, if I DID apologize out of nowhere for not meeting his expectations he would've known my mom told me to do so.
I was on the long drive home for break when they got into a big fight about me. He asked her if she would choose him or me and she chose me. He broke the brand new TV she bought him for Christmas and the entertainment stand it was on. They haven't seen each other since.
My mom says it's not my fault, but I feel like I've always been the one wedging between them. I'm the one who couldn't let things go, I'm the one who obviously avoids him, I'm the one who won't accept his apologies through a third party. She says this is for the best because they're on different paths and now she can focus on herself, her own happiness, and her faith (which is very important to her and not at all for him).
I just wish my mom was able to come to this conclusion without me being the catalyst. There had to have been a better way to go about this. I don't think I'm blameless here. AITA?
What are these acronyms?
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Remember me
Summary: You haven't been able to reach Jack since he left for a business trip, making you worried. Having no other way to contact him, you decide to drive to Statesman, unprepared to find him walking out of the building perfectly fine. You question your relationship, asking yourself if he would just ghost you after so many years of friendship until a Cowboy finds you crying in your car, and tells you everything about Statesman. And what happened to Jack.
Pairing: Agent Jack Whiskey Daniels x fem. reader
Wordcount: 2.5k
Rating: G
Warnings: memory loss, Friends to lovers, little angst, some fluff
A/N: This has been sitting in my drafts since December. Hope you like it (cause I'm not sure I do lol)
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“When will you be back?” you listened to his steady heartbeat, your ear on his chest.
His arms were around you, cuddled under the warm covers of his king sized bed.
“A week. Tops,” he hummed and you felt him kiss the top of your head. You smiled, pressing your lips to his chest.
“I’ll miss you,” you mumbled.
“You won’t even notice I’m gone, sugarplum.”
“Hello, This is Jack. Leave a message after the…”
You sighed, ending the call. Again. It’s been almost three weeks.
Three weeks in which you hadn’t seen or talked to Jack. He usually finds a way to let you know, if his job takes longer.
You did not know exactly what he was doing, but you had your suspicions. He was often gone for weeks, not being able to contact you.
Which was a surprise when you first learned about it, being under the impression that he was the CEO of a whiskey distillery.
“One day I’m gonna tell you everything about it, sugarplum,” he used to say. And for whatever reason you trusted him that he would. Even way before you both finally realised that your friendship was way more than that.
You hadn’t been together for a long time.
But you had known Jack for years.
The little coffee shop you owned apparently lay on the way to his work and he started stopping by almost six years ago when he moved to a little town just outside of the city.
You would always remember the first time he stepped into your little café.
You had seen your fair share of cowboys throughout the years but Jack? Deep down you just knew he would be trouble.
You just did not know if in a good or in a bad way.
He had ordered a plain black coffee and a muffin for breakfast.
“Surprise me, Sugarplum,” he’d smirked at you when you asked him what kind of muffin he wanted. And yeah, that southern charm was trouble from the first day.
After that he came in every single day on his way to work. You’d only learn that he sometimes stopped by in the afternoon too much later, one of your employees telling you that he seemed a little disappointed when he did not see you.
He had only asked for your actual name almost half a year later.
The friendship that had formed between the two of you always lingered on the line to becoming something more.
It started with him inviting you to go out to the farmers market out of town one saturday.
Then you invited him for a home cooked dinner which quickly became a weekly Thursday night thing.
You started spending time at his farm outside of town too. He had beautiful horses, some cows and chickens.
He taught you how to ride and care for the horses.
You would have thought he had a dog too, but instead he had two cats called King and Queen.
Two very cute fluffy white cats who followed him wherever he went once he got home.
They loved to sleep on top of Jack when you had movie night. There might be a folder of pictures in your phone just of him with the cats.
It would take more than five years of friendship until one drunken night left you sleeping in his bed, waking up the next morning in his arms, his lips brushing over the back of your neck, asking is this okay to which you only nodded while he kissed himself down your neck until you turned in his arms so he could kiss your lips for the first time.
He took you out for your first date that very same night.
You had talked to each other every single day in the last months, even when he had to get away. You practically had moved into his house, leaving your apartment in the city just for the occasional nights when you were too tired to drive back to his place after work.
Or you stayed there when Jack was gone. His house feeling way too big and empty without him.
But earlier today you had been at his place, finding it as deserted as it had been the last weeks.
You had no idea how to contact him outside of his phone number. You did not have any information on contacting his family or friends. The latter only being two men you had met briefly throughout the years.
What you did know however was where he worked.
You took a deep breath, exhaling through your mouth as you looked at yourself in the mirror as you got ready for work.
You missed him.
You loved him.
Maybe it was time to drive to Statesman across town to finally get some answers.
You had been staring at the entrance for an hour.
You hadn’t planned on staring at the entrance for an hour.
You were about to get out of your car and demand answers but then you saw him walk out of the door.
Jack.
He was smiling as he talked to another man, one of his friends you had met whose name you had already forgotten, before you saw him climb into his Bronco and speed off.
Why was he ignoring your calls?
Why didn’t he let you know that he was alive and well?
A constant stream of questions seemed to go through your head, only stopped when someone knocked on your car window.
You blinked your eyes before you let the window down, an older man, another cowboy, looking at you.
“Evening Ma’am. I noticed that you have been waiting here for a while and I was wondering if you need any help?” he asked.
You sighed.
“Yes… No. Sorry. I’ll… I’ll leave,” you mumbled, still confused.
“Are you okay?” he asked and you huffed a laugh.
“Just asking myself if my boyfriend decided to ghost me on purpose. He’s working here, you know? Haven’t seen him in almost a month, haven’t talked to him, but I just saw him walk out of those doors, looking perfectly fine to me.”
You were rambling.
“I haven’t even told him that I love him. I think he loved me though. We’ve known each other for a long time. Used to flirt shamelessly with me every day when getting a coffee.”
“Now hold on there for a minute there,” the Cowboy said and your lips pressed shut, looking at the man.
“You don’t happen to be talking about a tall Cowboy with a preference for banana strawberry muffins from that little café across town?” he asked you.
“I bake the muffins myself,” you whispered, looking at him.
The man sighed.
“Jack didn’t tell me he finally got his head out of his ass and made a move on you. You might wanna come inside with me? I think you deserve some answers.”
You were staring again.
This time not at the entrance of Statesman, but at the door of Jack’s Farmhouse.
The house that had become a home to you more than your own apartment was.
Agent Champagne, Champ for friends, had explained to you that while Statesman was still a distillery, it always was a front for a secret organisation.
And Jack was one of its Agents. One of the best apparently.
Something had happened on his last mission and the short explanation was that he had come back from the dead and might have lost more memories than the agency first thought.
Champ had encouraged you to drive out and visit Jack. He’d apparently been talking about stopping by the next morning at the café. He had only been released from the medical wing today.
He didn’t almost die, he had been dead.
For almost three hours before they could bring him back.
You took a deep breath before you got out of your car, walking the familiar path towards his house. Out of habit you reached for the key he gave to you to unlock the door, stopping with a head shake before you brought your hand up to knock on his door.
The time it took before you heard footsteps behind the door seemed like hours, giving you time to school your face into a neutral expression when the door opened, revealing Jack standing in front of you, dressed in dark sweatpants and a faded Game of Thrones shirt. Your shirt.
His face lit up when he saw you.
“Sugarplum, I wasn’t expecting you,” he said with a smile and you felt tears welling up in your eyes, as you smiled at him.
“Hi Jack,” you whispered as you looked up at him and as if it was pure instinct he opened his arms for you as you took a step towards him, his strong arms wrapping around your body as he kissed the top of your head.
“I missed you so much,” you mumbled into his shirt, feeling his arm tighten around you.
“Are you sure, you’re okay sugar?” he asked and you took a deep breath before you looked up at him, finding his eyes looking down at you with concern.
“I think we need to talk,” you said quietly. He frowned, but nodded, before he released you to close the door.
King and Queen were sitting on either side of you as you sat on the sofa, waiting for Jack to come back from the kitchen. He’d offered to make tea and you had agreed, using the time to gather your thoughts.
King was climbing into your lap as Jack came from the kitchen, your favourite mug, the one he had bought you only a couple weeks ago in his hand, your favourite tea in it.
He set the mug down on the coffee table before he sat down on the couch next to you.
“These two usually hate people,” he hummed, his hand stroking over the fur of Queen who meowed before she laid down in between the two of you.
“I’m not just any people,” you smiled a little and Jack smiled back.
“No you’re not,” he said warmly.
“How was your work trip?” you asked and if he was taken aback by your question he did not show it.
“Longer than expected but okay in the end. I’m actually gonna stay for a while now. Got some time off,” he explained and you nodded.
“Did I tell you about leaving town?” he frowned in the next moment.
“You did,” you whispered, your hand stroking King on your lap who was puring by now.
“Jack, what’s the last thing you remember? About me?” you asked.
He seemed confused before he took a deep breath.
“I… I think the last time I saw you you were cooking in my kitchen? Some roast that burnt…” he murmured.
You nodded.
“Okay. That was… almost three months ago. It was your birthday. And I promised to make your favourite dish,” you said as you carefully took the mug of tea to drink some.
He looked at you as if trying to figure you out.
“We watched Star Trek after and you told me how you hated the new ones,” you continued, but he just kept looking at you.
“I… I don’t remember?” he said and you closed your eyes, releasing a deep breath.
“Jack, I talked to Champ today. And he… he told me what happened to you,” you whispered, sucking your bottom lip in.
“Why would he do that?” he asked.
“Because usually when something happens to an Agent on the job their family or spouse is informed. But we… you hadn’t told anyone. About us yet.”
“Us?” he asked, looking at you.
“We’re… We’re together. Or we have been until you had to leave for your last job? I’m not really sure what we are now. I mean you can’t remember me…”
“I do remember you. I just… this is…”
“A lot. I know,” you sighed, fighting down the tears as you looked at him.
“We both… Really? I finally told you how I felt?” he asked after a while and you huffed a laugh.
“Not really. We were both drunk and I woke up in your bed…. we kissed the first time tight then in your bed,” you explained and he nodded.
“I was wondering whose clothes were in my wardrobe,” he said with a huff and you nodded.
“I… you actually asked me to move in with you before you left.”
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
“And you had no idea what happened these last weeks. I’m so sorry,” he reached over, squeezing your hand.
“You’re very relaxed for someone who just got told he has a girlfriend he can’t remember.”
He chuckled.
“Let’s just say, worse things have happened on the job.”
“Gee thanks,” you rolled your eyes with a smile and he grinned.
You sighed.
“Well, I’m just gonna grab some stuff and leave you alone,” you gently put King from your lap, standing up.
“Why?” Jack asked, also standing up.
“Because you can’t remember me, Jackson,” you smiled sadly.
He shook his head.
“I do remember you. I remember everything about you. Just not… the most important part. The part where I finally got you in my life like I’ve wanted for a long time,” he whispered, taking a step closer towards you.
You sighed.
“What if you help me remember?”
“What are you proposing?”
“They… They use triggers when getting someone back. They always use a picture of my late wife that usually gets my brain back in the right lane. And it worked to some extent.”
“Just not for me,” you could not help the tears escaping your eyes now and Jack came even closer, his hands framing your face, as he wiped your tears away.
“I knew something was missing. I just did not know what,” he whispered. You closed your eyes.
“I know that I’m in love with you though,” he said and you gasped, opening your eyes.
“I have been since the day I took you out to the farmers market. When I saw you in that beautiful dress I’m sure my heart stopped.”
“Jack,” you smiled through your tears.
“So you see, I do remember you. I remember everything about you. I just don’t remember finally being with you.”
“You haven’t even told me you loved me yet,” you whispered and he groaned.
“Pre Memory loss Jack was a real dumbass,” he grinned and you chuckled.
“Can I kiss you?” he asked.
“Yes,” you breathed and then his lips were on yours. And it was if no time had passed, your arms wrapping around his broad back as you melted against him, his lips moving on yours, his moustache tickling you, making you grin against his lips.
“I love you sugarplum,” he whispered against your lips and you smiled.
“I love you too, Jack.”
#my fic#jack Daniels x fem. reader#jack daniels#Pedro pascal#jack whiskey daniels#agent whiskey#fanfiction#fanfic#fan fiction
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Bad Day, Good Night
Pairing: Steve Harrington/ Reader
Requested By: NA
Word Count: 1,081
Summary: After an absolutely awful day at work, you go home to Steve to make it all better. Based off my own terrible day on Thursday, in which my boss made me cry at work and all I wanted was someone to go home to.
Stranger Things Masterlist
Steve Harrington Masterlist
~~~~~
Today sucked. Like completely, entirely, unrelentingly sucked. It started fifteen minutes after your alarm went off this morning, when you finally woke up. Late. Then, in your rush to make your morning coffee while running out the door you somehow forgot to add sugar to it, rendering it completely undrinkable. Then customers, coworkers, and everyone else who you saw at work did the tiniest little things to chip away at whatever good mood you'd been able to have. It all culminated about an hour before the end of your shift. You got into an argument with your boss. It ended with you being sent home early with rage fueled tears raining down your cheeks as you drove across town.
The moment you parked in front of your house your shoulders immediately relaxed. You could see the living room lamp on through the curtains. You took a moment to picture what awaited you just inside the front door. You imagined Steve, home from work and sprawled out on the couch. He'd probably have a beer or a Pepsi sitting on the coffee table in front of him. He'd have one arm hung lazily over the back of the couch, his feet propped up in front of him while he watched TV.
You flipped down the sun visor and checked your face in the mirror. Angry red splotches and tear stains littered your cheeks. Your eyes were still red rimmed. You wiped at your cheeks a few times, but it was pointless. You knew Steve would notice you'd been crying. So, instead of trying to put on a brave face and pretend you were sent home out of the goodness of your boss's heart, you took a deep breath and swung open your car door.
As soon as you closed your front door behind you and turned to face him, you found Steve exactly as you pictured him. Beer next to his feet on the coffee table, arm over the back of the couch. He smiled at you, almost like an instinct. But the moment he actually saw you he was up from the couch and across the room.
"Baby?" He asked softly, hands coming to your hips. "What's goin' on?"
You sniffled and offered a pitiful smile in return. You buried your face into his chest, taking a deep breath and allowing his scent to fill you like a calming smoke. Steve wasted no time pulling you as close as possible, wrapping his arms around your waist and holding you tightly. You felt his heartbeat beneath his t-shirt. Calm and steady and reassuring as ever.
"Bad day," was all you could manage to say.
"Wanna tell me about it?" He asked into your hair as he held you. You only shook your head against his chest. "You wanna cuddle about it?"
You almost started crying again, honestly. His low voice. His arms around you. His lips pressed to your hair. All of it was almost overwhelming. You pulled away from him just enough to smile up at him. He pressed a kiss to your forehead before pulling his arms from around your waist. He took your hand in his and led you into the bedroom.
He was gentle as he helped you to lay down on your bed. He held the blanket up so you could slide beneath it, allowing it to fall over you as you got comfortable. He pulled his shirt over his head as he quickly made his way around the foot of the bed to his own side. Once he had joined you beneath the blanket he opened his arms just enough for you to slot yourself between them.
"Comfy?" He asked as you wrapped your arms around him. You once again nodded into his chest. He began to rub long, slow lines up and down your back. You felt his lips on your forehead again as he tangled his free hand into your hair. Your eyes rolled when you felt his strong fingers begin to massage your scalp. You swore you could actually feel the days stress fall away as he held you, one hand on your back and the other in your hair. Your eyelids grew heavy and you allowed yourself to fall asleep pressed to Steve's chest.
You weren't sure how long you had been asleep when you woke up. You noticed the sun beginning to set as the bright sky began to bleed into deep purples and reds on the opposite side of the curtains over your bedroom window. The bed was cold around you. Steve was gone, but his scent still lingered on the sheets and his pillow beside you. You allowed yourself a few moments in bed before forcing yourself out of the warm blankets and comfortable bed that you and Steve had chosen together.
As soon as you opened your bedroom door you smelled something delicious coming from down the hall. The smell drew you further down the hall, beckoning you as you padded with bare feet closer to the kitchen. Once you were close enough you saw him. He was in a pair of sweats and an old shirt as he stood in front of the stove. You could hear grease popping from the pan in front of him. You heard him humming to himself as he flipped whatever he was making in the pan. You stepped closer, breaching the threshold of the kitchen. When he heard your footsteps he turned towards you with a wide, bright smile. You made your way over to him and tucked yourself into his side. He wrapped one arm tightly around your shoulders and placed a kiss to your hair.
"Sleep well?" He asked quietly. You only nodded, closing your eyes as you leaned into him. "Good. I was just about to come get you up. Dinners almost done."
"You made me dinner?" You asked him in a small, almost meek voice.
"'Course I did," he answered with a smile. "Mashed potatoes are already done, steaks only have a few more minutes. Oh, and I got gummy bears since ya know, I love you and all."
You hugged him tighter, earning a low giggle from him. You turned your face up towards him. When your lips met his, you silently hoped that this kiss would tell him exactly how much you loved him. How lucky you were to have him. How sade you felt in that moment, wrapped up in him in your kitchen.
#steve harrington fan fiction#steve harrington fanfic#steve harrington fluff#steve harrington comfort#steve harrington/reader#steve harrington/you#steve harrington x gender neutral reader#steve harrington x gn!reader#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington x you
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Hii you can do a Hobie x reader with daddy issues problems, maybe like reader's father dont like Hobie i love the idea if you can i will be so happy xoxo😺
cw : arguing, fighting, daddy issues , Hobie almost gets arrested
authors note : as someone with daddy issues, I’d love to complete this request.
It was a tense Wednesday night as you and your dad sat on the couch. Hobie sound asleep in your bed as your dad spoke first “I don’t like him, he seems like bad news” you scuff and cross your arms “and when have you ever liked anyone I date.” His eyes boring into yours with that same look of disappointment and irritation, that same face you hated seeing. “He seems like a junkie, I’m just trying to look out for you.”
“You never let me have anything good in life, it’s always your way”
“It’s for the best, I want what’s best for you”
“Then why can’t I be happy with him”
“Cause I just can’t approve of it.”
“You’ll understand when you’re ol-“ you cut him off with a sharp response “I’m older now dad, I’m not your little girl anymore. Im a full grown woman who is compatible of getting a car, having a license and going to work just like every other adult in this harsh world.” You’re cutting him off again before he can speak “you HAVE to stop babying me and you want what’s best for me. At least stop doing that.”
“You live under MY roof, not to mention I’m your father. You may be older but whatever i say goes when you live here.” What the fuck was he getting mad because you spoke out your truth, your fist balled in your lap as you chewed at your lip to ease your own anger, trying to keep yourself calm.
“I literally help around here with things, why can’t I just live my life?! you keeping saying it’s for the “better” but it’s not. You’re just controlling and want to push your definition of better onto me” your tone is harsh and your own voice is louder in volume, knowing you shouldn’t raise your voice at him cause of how he’ll spams out about it but he’s already three steps ahead of you.
“Don’t use that tone with me.”
“ I talk however I want cause I’m not a little girl.”
“Have some respect for your father”
“I will when you respect me.”
Up and off the couch as you’re walking away from him, he’s telling you to come back and sit down cause he’s not finished but you’re drowning him out. You don’t have the patience nor time for him anymore. It’s been far too long to deal with him as you’re opening your bedroom to reveal sleeping Hobie as you close the door quietly.
That was the first occurrence about Hobie.
Today is Thursday and you’re getting off your small little job that’s not the greatest but gets the bills paid and food in the house. You’re unlocking the door to see your boyfriend and your father, your father has your hands all over your boyfriend as Hobie is trying to not to put his hands on him for your sake. “You don’t deserve my daughter, you’re not good.” He’s yelling at Hobie as he pulls him and Hobie crashes into a wall and you’re quick to run over and grab your fathers arm as he’s trying to push further with Hobie.
“Stop this”
“Get your hands off me and stay in your place little girl”
He grabs your wrist as he holds onto it tightly as he’s tossing you on the couch as you clench your wrist. It aches and Hobie is quick to react when he hears your cry and he’s all up in your fathers space “Puttin' yor hands on yor daughter? that’s wild” his accent thick as your father tries to put his hands on Hobie again and he’s grabbing his hand. “Get the fuck out before I call the cops on you.”
Your dad is dead serious and you can tell and you just whimper while you hold your wrist. “gladly” Hobie is assisting you by your side as he sees that your wrist is bruising. “We’ll get you some ice when we get to my place” Hobie is assisting you as he’s grabbing your keys and wrapping his arm around you as you two walk out the door.
!!
When you guys get to his little place, he’s opening the door inside and motioning you to sit as he’s fetching you some ice for your wrist. His place is small but cozy and you could get use to waking up here with him, you were disappointed in your dad and thought he’d change but you were proven wrong again. “Sorry you 'ave a dad like that” he’s sitting down next to you handing you an ice pack as you place it on your wrist letting your head fall on his shoulder.
“It’s fine Hobie, I’m just glad I’m with you now”
“glad to be with you too luv”
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Hey there! If you take requests, would you be interested in writing a super angsty Steve Harrington x fem!reader where they are together & crazy in love but the reader finds out shes infertile & cant give him the dream he wants. The ending could be fluffy or absolutely devastating, whatever you prefer 😂
And Steve’s dream was broken...just like that
-
With a heart heavy and tears blurring your vision, threatening to flow like the Niagara Falls, you walked home from your doctor appointment. The smile you had on your lips when you scheduled the appointment three days ago had dissipated, your doctor's ill fated words echoing in your head over and over.
‘’Miss Y/L/N, I'm afraid you might not be able to get pregnant.’’
You tried to pinch your arm, wanting to wake up from this dream - this nightmare -, but you were unfortunately already awake.
You must’ve fallen asleep after getting home because when you gained consciousness again, the front door was opening and Steve was back from work, bringing bags of takeout to eat while watching cheesy movies, your favorite Thursday night activity.
‘’Sorry I’m late, darling. The little shithead at the diner was being lazy and tried to bullshit me that he couldn’t fry more curly fries because they were closing in ten minutes - which was false, they close at ten. I know you prefer the curly fries with your nuggets so I had to give him an extra twenty to get him to fry another batch-’’ Steve interrupted himself mid rant, seeing you curled up on the couch with tear stains on your face.
He put down the bags of takeout and made his way over, concern all over his face.
How were you going to tell him? Since getting the news, you had been dreading to see the look on Steve’s face. You were upset and terribly sad about not being able to bear children, but Steve’s heart is going to shatter when you tell him. Having a full brood of Harringtons was his dream. He had been so happy when he told you about his vision for the future - your future. Although six kids sounded painful to birth and a handful to raise, it sounded nice.
Now, you couldn't even give him that dream.
Sitting beside you, Steve cupped your face gently, his thumb brushing over your cheeks where a stain of mascara had dripped. ‘’What’s got you crying like that? Is your grandma okay? You were worried about her last week.’’
‘’Grandma is okay, Steve,’’ you said, smiling through the pain in your heart. It was so sweet of him to care about your grandma.
‘’What is it, then?’’ he asked, brushing your hair behind your ear. His eyes scanned your face, trying to read you, but he couldn’t do it this time. ‘’I hate seeing you sad, hate it even more when you cry.’’
You felt tears building in your eyes again. ‘’Can you please hold me?’’
Steve wasted no time and pulled you against him, embracing you tightly. The familiarness of his faded cologne enveloped you, mixed with the warmth of his arms and chest around you. His mouth planted a kiss on the crown of your head and you wanted to break into shudders and sobs.
You took one last breath of your lover’s embrace, then pulled back. ‘’Three days ago, I thought I was pregnant so I took an appointment with my doctor and-’’
Steve’s eyes brightened, jumping to conclusion. ‘’Oh my god, are you-’’
‘’I’m not.’’ You shook your head. ‘’Not now. Not ever.’’
His eyebrow pulled together, confused. ‘’What?’’
‘’There’s something about my cervix,’’ you explained, repeating your doctor’s words without getting too deep into medical terms. ‘’I’m gonna need to do more tests, but the doctor is sure of one thing: I can’t get pregnant. If I do, which would be a goddamn miracle, he said it could be life-threatening and that the pregnancy would have to be terminated.’’
A single tear fell on Steve’s face, realizing he’ll never have six little nuggets to drive around the country in a camping-car during summers, and you watched it fall.
‘’I’m sorry.’’ Your own tears began falling silently, hating your damn body for not working properly.
Steve frowned at your apology. ‘’Why are you apologizing?’’
‘’For being unable to give you the life you’ve always dreamed of.’’
Steve’s heart broke for the second time tonight, getting what you meant. He cupped your face and shook his head, his glassy eyes looking right through yours. He opened his mouth, about to say something, but kissed you instead, putting all his love and passion into the kiss.
‘’I love you, Y/N. With or without six nuggets.’’
-
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Steve Harrington taglist: @dylanstilinskiposts @captainbuckyyy12 @valevalentyne @yourfavoriteakutagawakinnie @heizenka @eddie_munsons_girlfriend @scarlet-kazuha @uhidklol-26 @magicalchocolatecheesecake @swiftbyul @Fandomfaeryreads @harrys-tittie @tinfoilhat2719 @straycatarang @wayfaring----stranger @starstruckspring @fourlokiss @mi-amoree1111 @starshipsxx @ghoulishlygrey @bubsonnobx @truewdw1 @bubsonnobx @ohhrexella @Dreamtiara @pastelbabygirl19 @steves-robin @eddiemunsonbby @evanstanwhore @bootlegmothman420 @courtmr @nia-um @strangermarvelgirl @fandomloversvaries @missmaxmayfield @m1rkw00dpr1ncess @Minksblog @soph69420world @truewdw1 @crying-caro @nancewheelersworld @nluvwitheddiemunson
#steve harrington#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington imagine#steve harrington x you#stranger things#stranger things imagine#steve stranger things#steve harrington blurb
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LONG POST AHEAD
SERIOUSLY LONG POST AHEAD
Most recent is that I almost had myself admitted for a 72 hour hold🙃 But I’ll start from the beginning.
I haven’t been on in 5 days and so much has happened. SO much. Over the course of this month, I’ve lost my job, was in a car accident, had to attend the emergency room in 3 occasions all together, and all for different purposes.
Obviously the car accident was the first. Everyone was okay, we all got away with scrapes and bruises. My dad got the worst of it, as it was the passenger side that was hit. He ended up with a broken left wrist and a broken right foot, which he has had surgery because they needed to literally screw his foot back together. All is well now, it’s been a few weeks and he got his walking boot on Thursday. I’ve been taking care of him while he’s healing, which has been perfectly fine. I’ve never had a problem living with my dad because we’re so alike in personality. However, the trauma and guilt from the crash have made my mental state almost impossible to control. It added to everything going on in my head.
The second ER visit was for an access, which was terrifying, scary, painful. I hope I don’t need surgery to fix it, but I’ll find out on Thursday.
The last time I went to the emergency was Sunday. Over the weekend I had reconnected with my oldest best friend and stayed at her place catching up from the last 6/7 years. The very first night I was there was completely fine. However! It went downhill very quickly. Not that anything bad happened, but I was explaining things to my friend, and the first thing she told me was that she guaranteed all of my memory problems, speech, basic skills and other small problems were caused from having had SO much trauma over my life that after almost 27 years, it all finally caught up with me.
The entire time I was there after she told me that, I was miserable. Not because of her or anyone else, just my mindset. She was so so right and it took my entire life to realize this.
I don’t ride in cars unless I have to, or if I do I sit in the backseat because I don’t want to see traffic at all. If I see another car too close for my comfort I instantly start crying and panicking. Watching a woman get out of her car made things so much worse, because once I saw that steering wheel and empty drivers seat all I could do was picture myself behind the wheel.
On Sunday the plan was to stay for the daughters birthday party, but after my ptsd had me shut down in the corner of her room sobbing and holding a blanket… I knew I had to go.
THIS ENTIRE TIME, over the course of easily a year or two, I’ve been having problems with my memory, walking, and other things. My vision had slowly been getting worse but that wasn’t a surprise because I didn’t have insurance for a couple of years to get new glasses. I got to the point over the last couple of years where my sight was so bad I couldn’t make out the black blobs of letters and had people reading things for me. I was terrified I was slowly going blind, but until recently, I never really thought anything of it because it was only once in a while… but I never told anyone, and I should have.
I pleaded to a god I don’t even believe in to let me make it from the car door to my front door without tipping over and losing control of my walking. At this point the dizziness and trying to walk were my biggest physically problems. We made it inside, spoke to my dad, and then stumble/FALL into my chair and close my eyes wanting everything to stop spinning and for no one to notice. I had to get something from the kitchen, held into whatever I could to keep standing to get there, with legs so wobbly I can fall over without a warning. I had been trying to text my sister about what I was feeling and we do have several mental illnesses in the family, including dementia and Alzheimer’s. This may sound extreme but I was convinced it was something along those lines. Like i said, these are very common in our family.
Nope.
I went to the ER for the last time knowing that my mental state was horrible and this is when I almost had myself admitted.
Like I said, I was in a bad car accident but walked away with only crazy scrapes and bruises, no concussion. I kept the possibility of a late showing concussion in my mind, too.
My grandmother is literally holding my hand and helping me walk to the car because I can’t stand straight.
If it helps, imagine losing your balance and tipping over because suddenly your legs decide they’re done for. Think of it as walking home drunk, and falling over all the time. But literally all the time.
I even told my family I knew since I was a kid I was meant to die in a car accident. Driving has always been one of my top fears, and the first time I have my drivers permit is the first time I caused an accident.
I know this all over the place but I cant explain how hard it was for me to pour out the words I needed to. I almost couldn’t.
You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to tell your family that you’re suffering from survivors guilt for something that never happened. No one died.
But I was supposed to.
THE BEST PART is that when I left the emergency room, I was perfectly clear headed, I had calmed down a smidge over the last couple of hours.
Literally all of my blood work came back fine, nothing at all to worry about with anything.
It’s hard to describe the feeling when someone else verifies that it really IS all in my head. I’ve ignored myself and my mental state and needs for SO long my body was starting to actually shut itself down until I paid attention.
Everyone keeps telling me I need to let go of of everything I’ve been holding onto, every bad thing I’ve always had feelings or experiences with. I’m a passive person, I don’t cause problems but I try to solve them. I end up taking care of other people and doing things so I push everything in a pile to the back of my mind.
How the fuck do I do that?
I’m trying to get back to my old therapists office and see if she is still there. Like I said, I lost insurance and couldn’t afford to take of myself much anymore in the way of doctors. I was supposed to have a job interview yesterday but when I woke up there was instant unstoppable stress because thinking about doing the interview had me worried it would make me feel worse and add on extra stress. My family assures me it’s fine and it’s okay for me to take time to collect myself and they will take care of things during that period.
I have a lot of guilt for a lot of things I guess I’m not supposed to feel guilty for, and I think that having SO SO much piled up from even being a kid that I actually busted.
It only took 27 years.
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After I finished my post last night I ended up getting very upset about my dad. And cried on James for a little. And decided I should just. Go and see my parents today. And so that's exactly what I did.
The decision made me sleep a lot better. James got me a different blanket out and I slept pretty great. I did wake up before my alarm and felt pretty good. I always wake up easier when I have something to do. I got up and made the bed and went to get dressed.
Something scratched my eye and I couldn't get it to stop hurting for a half hour. Which was frustrating. But I used a bunch of eye drops and tried to wash my eye out. I couldn't really put mascara on because of it. But whatever.
James and me left here at 730. I drove us out to the museum to drop them off and went to great breakfast. I got out of the car to give them a big hug and kiss and then was off.
Except not really. Because when I got to McDonald's I realized I had James's coffee still. I texted them and they biked up to me to get it and I got one extra kiss. Very sweet. Love them so much.
I had a good drive out. It took about 2 hours and there was not traffic. I listened to lots of music. I did end up crying listening to some show tunes. Happens sometimes. I needed the catharsis I guess.
I was excited to be out of the car when I got there around 10. My legs kind of felt like jelly. But I was so happy to see my parents. And the doggies.
It was really great spending time together. We talked about my dad's leg. Which looked pretty scary and he looked pretty pale. But he was in good spirits. I did not like hearing him say 'if' around coming to my wedding. But I also just want him to be okay and whatever that takes is more important. I don't want to be selfish but I also. Have to have him there. It isn't acceptable that he wouldn't be there.
Around 11 my aunt Renee came over. She's not actually my aunt, she's my sister's mom. But she's always been my aunt and she's lovely. I really enjoyed all of us hanging out. I got to learn a lot more about my dad's younger life and there were lots of laughs. I don't think she's heard me talk so much before. I was kind of a standoffish kid. But man did she hear me today. I talk a lot and very fast. My grad school director used to say I talk through the trees. And it's absolutely true, I get there eventually but we are not on a path at all. I think she thought I was funny though and that is still positive.
We ordered lunch. And we compared jewelry. Talked about childhoods and memories. I told them all about art and stories from my life. Renee told us about the wild 21 day vacation she's going on. Which sounds amazing. And we talked about the wedding and how things are going to be. The decorations and the hotels and stuff.
We have to make some changes to the plan because of moving my dad around. But that is okay. So I may stay in the hotel on Thursday instead of James. But we will see.
Renee left and I spent another hour and a half with my parents. We talked about music and life and it was really nice. I wanted to stay more but I also wanted to get home before 9.
So I said goodbye. Mom sent me home with detergent and cat food. I let her know my dad's car windows were open? I got pictures with them and gave them hugs and then I was off.
The drive home was not as pleasant. It was directly into the sun the entire drive. And just horrible traffic. So it took almost 3 hours. Which was not ideal. I tried to keep myself awake and aware by having a full dance party. Which was a lot of fun and very silly.
I had the two pieces of pizza my mom gave me before I left. So at least I wasnt starving. I would take a break after 2 hours to stretch my legs. Mostly because my foot hurt really bad today. But I would just walk around the rest stop for a couple minutes before I was off and back on the road.
I got back here closer to 830 then I was happy about. But I got home in one piece.
I was really happy to see James. They were a little sad because they somehow lost their engagement ring. Again. I'm not upset but I feel bad that they are upset. It will be alright.
We both showered and that made me feel a lot better. Though I am pretty exhausted. I am also excited because I just got offered the grant position at the visionary museum! I hope it leads to more!!
But now is time for sleep. I hope you all sleep great. Take care of yourself! I have the garage sale with Anne, I hope it is fun! I hope you have a great night!! Sleep good!!
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Thursday - 20/05/24
7:11am
erm? so basically my whole day, today, has changed with no influence from me. mum knows i'm bad with change and my teacher told her a lack of control over my situation is one of my biggest stressors, so why would she do that??
i was meant to be visiting my nan in hospital today as she was in the ICU last night, but mums just changed it to me going to our local town with my other nan, my cousin and my aunt. i'm honestly trying my best to stay calm, i do think it's working, i don't feel any of the common effects i get when anxious but that's not the point. it's still on my mind. why would she do that? i spent all night thinking how the day would go, the car journey, the music, how the hospital looks (thankfully i know the ward as i visited my uncle there just days before; he should be leaving today!), what to say, how to act and preparing myself for anything she could say since shes on the steroids.
i just want to see that she's doing well
5:29pm
well that were a long day ermm 😅 my family were moody but we all got on well. we ate at cream, my first and what was meant to be my only meal of the day, i had avocado + poached egg on sourdough, i can't lie it were fucking lush and i think i needed it. we then went poundland, i got some supplements, a levi roots carribean crush drink, sauce dipping dishes for my veg, gum, stickers and fake nails, i bought a lot of them bc i'm gonna take them round my cousins, she's wanting to get some so i just bought an array for her, i'll keep the ones she doesn't like.
my other cousin we met in town, drove back to nans and we made a lego bonzai tree my uncle didn't want. she was meant to take it with her but forgot ahaha. oh well, it looked great!
nans safe after her operation but needs to be guarded at all times, she's trying to get up and leave and really hasn't a clue on what's going on. keeps chatting shit that means a whole lot of nothing, she's obviously impacted mentally by the surgery and steroids, speaking gobbledygook.
don't know if my uncles out hospital or no, worrying but i'll find out soon enough
i had a huge dinner... regretting it but again, tasted fucking amazing
i had fried egg, noodles and chicken gyozas. 5 to be exact, must write it so i can log in a sec.
at my nans house still and we just watching antiques roadshow, we were watching all the quiz shows before, standard stuff lol
9:18pm
just spent an hour peeling pomegranate then making a salad! it was actually fun peeling the pomegranate and i'll def do it again, i just hate preparing other fruit and veg, my fingers get weird and soggy and eughh. i'm lowk proud of myself for not rage quitting nor crying, i cannot cope with that shit. anyway, all that time on my feet must count for something. i made loads for me and mum tomorrow, am gonna try do omad tmrw, the salad i prepared with a small amount of baguette.
the salad had:
- pomegranate
- yellow pepper
- red grapes
- spinach
- co-op salad mix (lettuce, grated carrot, red cabbage)
- chickpeas
- feta cheese
- chia seeds
10:22pm
(the urge to put 22:22)
what da helllll ! !
safe to say i'm never living this down. worst bit is, i don't even feel that full, it's just as filling as my <650 days.
anyway, our cars buggered after like 8 years of being reliable. this year was meant to be the year we went on holiday after all the covid bullshit yk, but i think most money we may have will go for a car. i do genuinely think the car is a better use of the money but it's a shame... good job nothing was booked yet x
shame as well since we've sacrificed quite a few things to save for holiday and now it feels like for nothing. a notable thing being i'm still sleeping on a janky spring mattress despite it giving me major pain in my body.
still have no clue how we'll see nan with the car in a state as we're meant to be going hospital tomorrow but whatever... another unexpected day, yip fucken pee !
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I'm actually so weirded out but struggling to figure out if this is an opportunity for me??
I've been so tuned in with my spirit team lately and was trying to get my car situation settled without a gap in having a car. I need to renew my license but in nc because it's a California license, and then get a new car from a dealership across the street from my job. I was then gonna let my car loan company repo their car. It was supposed to be nice and smooth right?
Well on Tuesday night I went to go visit my friend Jen for the first time in months, at her new apartment in high point. We did some INTENSE spellwork and I called in some favors, including the car situation.
And then on Wednesday, we left the apartment at 330pm so I could take her to work and head home (and renew my license the NEXT DAY on Thursday), but my car was just Gone.
It was a mess - I was simultaneously having a panic attack and feeling a bubble of calm in my gut. I was flabbergasted at the timing - right after successful spellwork (we checked in on the energies and everything went great so???) and the ONE DAY I was almost 3 hours from home. 😭 I thought it was stolen at first, filed a report, etc but found out on Thursday it was repossessed. How they found me I'm not sure, the insurance lady said sometimes they'll contract out tow trucks to just drive around and pick up whatever cars they can find on their roster so it may have been that. But again such crazy timing.
My friend Remi came and picked me up which almost made me cry lol and we ate at Jen's bar before heading home.
Anyway, I wasn't able to get my license renewed on Thursday because I couldn't get there until like 130pm after all the phone calls and stuff, and the dmv had no availability. So I'm going to go on Monday morning before work and pray to my gods that it works out.
I also asked for money, for my taxes to come back early so I don't have to wait until next Friday (my next paycheck), and straight up 10 minutes later it showed up in my bank account. My friend sent me $100 completely unprompted????? I cashed out $25 from a site that usually takes the full 5 business days and it was in my account in 30 minutes????
So as long as I get my license on Monday (because it's illegal to drive on an expired license and also I assumed you needed a VALID license to buy a car), the plan is to drive straight to the car lot across from work and pick up a car. There are a few there for $500 down and they don't check credit and repos are ok so it will work out. I've also heard good things about that place from the people at my job who have gotten cars with them.
But now my roommate?? Who is a used car dealer (with admittedly mixed reviews on Facebook marketplace at least) is so?? Frantic to help me??? He wants to find a car at an auction for like 2K for me, take the 500 down, and charge me 100 a week until it's paid off. And he keeps saying "you live with me, I'm not gonna sell you a car that doesn't run".
And I'm just so confused and conflicted because like. My team WOULD do something like this lmao but at the same time I cannot stand him??? He's a terrible roommate and keeps the place so disgusting that I bought a mini fridge and microwave so my "kitchen" is entirely in my room. I only go downstairs (where he is 24/7) to take my dog outside or to leave the house. He's loud, he's messy, he complains about tufts of my dog's hair building up over the course of a week but leaves literal garbage all over the floor and has been sleeping in the living room even though he has a bedroom with a whole bed?? I've slung some evil eye his way (mostly not on purpose but he's pissed me off countless times in just the 2 months I've been here, and the only times I've slung any on purpose it was to get him to take his company outside or to be quiet) and want to move out as soon as my car situation is settled. But also he doesn't want to charge me interest because apparently it's against his religion?? So it would be paid off in like 3 months-ish and then I wouldn't have to worry about a repo again? And it IS weirdly serendipitous that he owns a car dealership.
The problem is that my personal issues with him and disdain for seeing him at all means that I'd rather not have any ties to him and I immediately was like fuck no. But on the other hand it WOULD be a good deal honestly as long as the car was actually decent. So idfk man.
Time for divination I guess? I told him I need to talk to my parents about it but I've been soured against my parents for the moment tbh lol so what I really meant was "let me talk to my gods (two of who DO assume parental roles hahaha so ig it's not that far off) and my friends and my tarot cards" lol
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March 4, 2024
Hm, it's been about a week since I last wrote. that's encouraging. this feels regular, somewhat consistent. it usually isn't a good sign when i either write too frequently or too infrequently.
Recap:
Monday, February 26: Ended up going to Tam O'Shanter with Patti around 7pm. she kinda loved it. we had some drinks, prime ribs, and shared a sticky toffee cake thing a la mode. i drank a bit too much but it was okay having ubered. should note not to drink white wine though. low key kind of hate it, especially the nausea the next day.
Tuesday, February 27: In office day, and Joyce provided lunch. i think we had sandwiches. i bussed into work and back, and picked up my car. it ended up being a battery issue and he did not seem to acknowledge that i had a windshield wiper fluid issue but whatever.
Wednesday, February 28: can't think of anything. work.
Thursday, February 29: work, and walked over to the local library at lunch to print out my livescan application.
Friday, March 1: pretty busy. Got gas at Costco, had a 9am appointment in Burbank for my livescan for volunteering at the shelter, handwashed my car for about an hour at the coin op car wash in glendale, and then met up with Patti at 11a.m. at my favorite thai massage place, followed by lunch at Night Market Song, then a loop around the silver lake reservoir. it was a nice time, with good conversation, and i left around 3:30pm to avoid traffic.
Saturday, March 2: just slept. all day. watched youtube. didn't do anything. slept some 11-12 hours.
Sunday, March 3: too much. church in the morning, lunch with my mom, descanso gardens with grace y and caroline, then off to long beach for a dinner party at stephen's, including amir, and some others, for a total party of 9. it was pretty fun, and everyone was nice. i felt that amir might've been uncomfortable, but that's likely because he felt out of place being either the only or one of two straight people at the party.
today was a productive day. worked, washed dishes, checked on Thor three times, handwashed a couple items of clothing, took a morning walk and a nice long lunch walk. ate yogurt, granola, and fruit for breakfast, a giant pasta lunch, and then some salad for dinner. balance.
the week ahead:
trader joe's for groceries, withdrawing some cash for next week's massages with lana and a haircut for myself sometime this month. a birthday dinner for lana on saturday with 4-5 of her friends, and hopefully church on sunday. i also need to file my taxes and some sort of IRS filing for my little defunct LLC.
i'm lately feeling the need to mature. to think before i speak. to not just be spastic and quirky and undisciplined. i remember when i was in 7-8th grade and i would see the senior girls and think wow, so poised, so elegant, it'll be so neat to be a senior and transform into that. and i didn't. i was still super scruffy, hair messy, clothes unkempt, runny nose, just kinda gross. and now....i'm afraid not much has changed. but it's really time that i grow up. that i stop having to apologize for offending people, that i stop throwing myself impulsively at people who will not have me, at drinking too much, then crying too much, then hiding in shame.
i'm also realizing that lately the thing that i'm most self-conscious about is my appearance, and more recently, my weight. i feel that in general, i would look better thinner/fitter, and that especially clothes would look better on me. even if i saw an item of clothing that i thought looked good on the hanger, or on a model, i know that that will not translate onto me, and it makes me want to avoid shopping, and just in general feeling left out of that whole equation.
in other respects though, things seem to be chugging along. more routines, more structure, more writing, more cleaning, chipping away at the physical messes in my life. i deep-cleaned my car over the weekend and wiped down as much i could of the interior, and it felt like a relief to have that thin layer of dirt cleaned off.
i also bought some aerosol spray so i could clean off my laptops, and just ordered some electronics screen spray so i could clean my monitors as well. i'm just feeling a need and desire to just get to the things that i've been putting off. to get into those corners. to address the seemingly sagging portions of my ceiling, to replace the piping under my kitchen sink, to get a window guy to fix up some of the malfunctioning windows.
in the meantime, i have work and chores during the week, and usually 1-2 social functions on the weekends, one coworking day with danielle a month, and just .... just chugging along i guess.
it still feels like remarkable process though from 6 months or a year ago. i even considered briefly restarting up the self-improvement youtube, but ... who knows. i'll need to take down the videos where i'm just sobbing inconsolably. but even just the whisper of a thought to restart that was interesting to me.
it feels like progress.
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Flew into Hays, Kansas for a wedding. Landed Thursday afternoon. Wedding was last night. Was warned that there might be fist fights. No fights. Bored today, Mrs. Doc having problems breathing. Wore her out so was napping today. I went to the hotel lobby to watch a football game. Not a big fan. As the game ended, I started getting wet on my head. Up stairs, immediately behind me, a water main for the sprinkler system broke. About 25 gallons of water a minute. Poor young woman (19 years old? Dangerously, I am horrible about ages), didn’t know what to do. I pointed out the water and I could see her words “Oh SHIT!” coming from her. I told her to call her manager. Asked where the water main valve is. She didn’t know. Asked about a building maintenance guy. She said he quit two weeks ago. I asked where the circuit breakers are. Another “I don’t know.” I started unplugging lamps, TV, etc., and moving furniture out if the flow of water. Very worried about power. Outlets in the floor as well as the walls. Water pouring out of the smoke detector and the ceiling fans. The manager arrived. She looked like she wanted to cry. Had her call the now ex maintenance guy. She promised to pay him whatever he wanted if he would come in. He came. I messaged my son who is maintenance guy at the gluten/ethanol plant. He came right over. He arrived about the same time as the ex maint. guy. He had manager call the company that installed the sprinkler system. That company is an hour away by highway. They sent a team. With water still pouring out of the ceiling the manager and employee started grabbing towels to try and mop up water - a wasted effort. My son and I grabbed Mrs. Doc and my youngest son. We went to supper and killed a few hours. Returned and asked if things were alright. Was expecting to be moved to a different hotel. Can’t have guests if there’s no sprinkler system. Turns out it was a rubber O ring gone bad. Fixed it. Called in all employees and they were finishing mopping. So much excitement. The icing on the cake (?), my brother, his wife and our sister all came by train and rental car for the wedding. They talked to me more (nicely) over the last three days than they have in forty years. It was guardedly wonderful. They left this morning and so, missed the excitement.
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6th Feb 2023, Monday
Listening: King of the Beach, Wavves
Woop to today's public holiday! Weather was wet but I went on my morning walk anyway.
With a brolly, nasi lemaks secured 👍🏼
Ended up doing office work at yush despite the public holiday. Zuls was at my turf so we caught taco bell for dins! Double woop!
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7th Feb 2023, Tuesday
Listening: Avril 14th, Aphex Twin
Ok, as much as I LOVE potatoes, I'd rather not have potato milk in my coffee.. this had a mashed potatoes aftertaste which was very odd.
10/10 I do NOT recommend. (but..to each their own.)
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8th Feb 2023, Wednesday
Listening: Mourning Sound, Grizzly Bear
Office day. Lunch was ✨excellent✨.
Unfortunately both people from work & home were cranky at me. It's sad. But it's ok.
What to do? Sigh.
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9th Feb 2023, Thursday
Listening: I Feel it All, Feist
My usual car SC has apparently changed management or whatever and it has now become a Porsche specialty SC..
So mine was the only old little car amongst the fancy machines at the garage.. Oh well. They took FOREVER to be done, which made me hunkry (hungry + cranky!). But since I was at the area, I got the chance to visit the best taco ever (until I find the next best taco ever, that is) with zuls! Happy Taco Thirstday! They came with a soups delish coriander sauce which I thought was just sour cream at first. I am OBSESSED (you know it!)
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10th Feb 2023, Friday
Listening: Nine in the Afternoon, P!ATD
Friday feels. Just be yourself, flaws & all. Most importantly is to be nice. Be kind, do your best. If the other party doesn't like it, you'd feel better thinking it's NOT you, it's them. Somebody else would like you the way you are
On an unrelated note, my brother and I were knee-deep in shoe-scrolling and it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to fight the temptation to add to cart. Weak ass.
On yet another unrelated note, I want what I want, so bad.
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11th Feb 2023, Saturday
Listening: Smooth Operator, Sade
Went to the car SC again for the remaining car parts and service. Lunk with zuls. Unfortunately no padthai. But fortunately yes duck. But unfortunately duck was mediocre. But fortunately company was 💯.
Ended the day at yush!
We also managed to convince Dad to get shoes with us! My argument to him for MY shoes was I that I needed something comfortable to trot on for my trip next month :p (which is a legit reason, no?)
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12th Feb 2023, Sunday
Listening: Needle in the Hay, Elliot Smith
Morning nasi lemak run. Errands errands errands untilllll Van Gogh! Out of nowhere, I suddenly cried. His story touched me in ways I cannot even comprehend.
All these while whenever I come across pictures of his super famous Starry Night, it makes me so happy because it's pretty! But after this day.. I may not see his work the same way ever again. Good thing the gallery was dark so I could cry in peace and I dont think anyone saw me being an emotional idiot apart from Ben 😂
BUT we got my teppan to lift up the spirits!
This would be my 3rd fave teppan next to Rakuzen and the ultimate OG, Kogetsu.
Ahhh no more public holidays until April!
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School: Sweet Relief
8/18/22
I just dropped my toddler off at daycare school, which he is now going to on Tuesday and Thursday. Can I just say what a sweet relief it is? I was in tears yesterday evening after he cut his hair and then woke up the baby, for the second time yesterday. I was very tired, not having slept more than 2 hours at a time the night before, and for whatever reason wouldn’t sleep more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time and was crying more than usual. In the morning, my son had dropped his cup and it startled the baby and he woke up after just having been asleep a few minutes, but while I was annoyed I wasn’t too upset with him because A. I didn’t know the baby would be not sleeping ALL fucking day and B. dropping his cup was an accident. In the evening, after telling me he cut his hair and me throwing away ALL the scissors ( I got them back out of the trash and hid them when he wasn’t looking), the baby had finally gotten to sleep and I asked my son to not make a lot of noise, what does he do? He goes and get his piano to play about 2 feet from the sleeping baby. I asked him to go to his room and started packing up his stuff to move him and he angrily screamed, which woke the baby up. That was the straw. I pulled his ear like my husband does, he says “do I need to stretch your ears out?” and I banished him to his room, then broke down in tears while I washed the bottles and pump parts for the 5th time that day. This is rough, ya’ll.
My family is as infuriating as they are helpful. Let me count the ways.
My mom comes in yesterday saying oh crap, I just accidentally called SOS on my phone and it alerted emergency services. So now I’m thinking we are about 10 minutes from a fire truck showing up to my damn house. Nothing happened, it ended up that they didn’t even get the call. Then, my grandmother says ‘well I hope they don’t flatten his head like they did with other son’ referring to the helmet my toddler had to wear for 3 months when he was 6 months old. Ok, like we did that shit on fucking purpose. Yesterday, I had errands to run and thought it would be easier with my grandmother’s help with the two kids, so we pile into the car and get them done. When I come back home, my door is wide open. I knew it was her that left it open, and I was very angry. The house was hotter and a package had been delivered, meaning some stranger saw my door wide open. She denies it was her and I go to the tape! I watch my toddler son come out first, then me struggling with the heavy ass car seat and baby, and then my grandmother casually strolling out, not even pulling the door to as she exits. She just barely pulls it and lets go, as if someone was behind her. WTF. So for a little over an hour my door is wide open. I’m still angry about that, but she didn’t do it on purpose obviously. But that’s just how careless and stupid my family is. Last week my mother somehow managed to put a diaper on BACKWARDS. I mean, how? I still don’t understand that one. The tabs were on the back, which is even harder to do. And it’s the little comments like the flat head one. Tons of comments about how I should be doing something or shouldn’t, like either of them had more than one baby. Yes, they were a huge help with my oldest son when I was 19, but that was 21 years ago. Things have changed. They didn’t help at all with my toddler, not because they didn’t want to but because I didn’t want them to and then we moved away when he was 8.5 months old. It’s those things. The little extra advice and comments about stuff they know next to nothing about. They mean well and I love them very much, but seeing them almost every day for the past few weeks has been almost just as rough as me trying to do it by myself. Their help comes with a price. My sanity and patience. But there isn’t much left of that anyhow. There are probably lots more examples of how they have infuriated me over these past few weeks but I have seemed to block them out mentally. Best not to dwell on these things or I will implode.
Do I sound ungrateful? Yes. There are millions of women who would kill for an extra pair of arms to hold their newborn so that they can shower in peace, or for an extra person to keep the toddler occupied and give them some much craved and starved for attention. I am aware. Does my family bring me food so I don’t have to leave the house with all the kids? Yes. I know I am lucky. My grandmother is retired and still very able bodied and for that I am also extremely grateful and lucky. They don’t come without their flaws. I guess I can’t vent anywhere else but here, which is why I do, because anyone else would tell me to be thankful and shut the fuck up. But I have to get it out somewhere before I spontaneously combust.
Speaking of spontaneous things, in all the paperwork for my hospital discharge it mentions ‘spontaneous vaginal birth’ um....nothing about my labor and delivery was spontaneous. I wonder why they use that term. It’s not like I went in for stomach pain and whoops! here’s a baby!
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Saturday, July 30, 2022
I’m tired of looking up what the moon is in.
I don’t know what kind of flowers they are that I’m thinking of but they’re purple and in the backyard at home.
I’ve always despised the smell.
But as I sit here at my favorite reading spot, I think I smell them now maybe- and I’m reminded of my mom. I miss her. I need to tell her to book a flight for September second. And I want to greet her at the airport with a hug and tell her I need her to move out here because I’m scared I can’t do this without her. By this, it’s just living.
We used to do this warmup in UPC for exec meetings. We’d talk about what kind of color we were feeling that day.
I’m wearing my fuchsia top and a brown shirt and blue jeans and my nails are painted to brightly- but hell, I am feeling so grey today.
Belly just found out Susannah is sick again and I’m worried.
Every time I make some kind of big decision there’s always a period of worry. It’s a brief moment after I’ve made whatever decision it is like getting a rabbit where I just think that maybe I did the wrong thing, but I know that I can’t do anything about it because it’s already happened. Right now I am in a big period of worry. Maybe I shouldn’t have- Holy shit a food robot just went by.
Anyway
Maybe I shouldn’t have moved to LA for this job. I don’t know- I haven’t felt this way until Thursday night. My job feels threatened.
I’m not the type of person to get fired. I’m just not. So I’m going to make sure I’m not.
This guy at Starbucks was calling barista babe. Hey babe what size is this medium or large. Keep smiling.
God, I could throw up.
My mom calls wait staff babe, the young women mainly. But she does it in a motherly way. In the way that she used to be a server. She cares. She’s kind.
I’m looking at airplane tickets for her to fly out in September.
I’m going to cry I think. God I miss her.
I think it’d be easier if I have friends here.
I remember Aimen is in town. I text her. (Turns out she banged up her knee at the pier and can’t hangout. It’s fine)
Happiness is a slurpee and a hot pink straw
There is an old man sat under one of the umbrellas. First a woman maybe a little older than me sits with him. Then two other men, not as old as him, then maybe his family joins him.
I finish the book and leave a little after five.
I go over the one hour parking limit. I don’t know how long I sat there.
I got in the car and drove and I felt good, like really good for the first time since Thursday night. My music makes me feel good and I’m yelling. I’m also trying to kill the multiple gnats in my car. They tormented me the entire day.
I go grocery shopping. They don’t have watermelon spears. They do have theee boxes of mini chocolate chip pancakes.
I feel good when I workout for the first time in…I don’t know to be honest. I put on the playlist of Lizzo music made for a treadmill workout. Half an hour and I was so sweaty.
I need to get bike shorts.
I take a dip in the pool. Two old ladies speak in a different language at one of the tables. They smile at me. I swim.
I get back to my apartment and sit down with We’ll Always Have Summer.
The book has me nervous which does not help with the anxious feeling I still feel from Thursday. It hasn’t gone away. And I want to cry again as I read. I finish the whole book before 11.
I’m not as tired as I was last night. Last night I was asleep before 11. But I am nauseous from not eating dinner which does not help my nerves.
What I had to eat today:
-Yogurt with fruit
-Venti strawberry açaí lemonade with light ice
-2 cubes of watermelon I shared with Zuzu
And it’s 11 PM. I need to not do this. I’ll make tortellini. I wish it wasn’t too late to call someone back home.
I get to see L tomorrow. We’ll talk and I’ll have a good day. I know I will.
I make tortellini while I FaceTime F. She’s back home in TX. I cry. We talk. I feel better after the conversation to go to sleep.
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Ladies and Gentlemen, I got Your Medicine