no matter how many times i tell a girl im so insane and scarred, she still wants to fall in love. only to realize i truly am broken. only to break me again

Have you played Yakuza 6 yet? If so ya got any kazumaji head canons based off the events of the game?

I absolutely love your ideas for them and I am beyond upset that Majima was barley in the game. Or even mentioned that much.

They did the boi dirty in this game, I swear.

*clenches my ass hard enough to shit diamonds*

oh I have OPINIONS about 6 I'll tell you that but it is good fodder for the kazumaji agenda 👀 I'mma be kinda rambly in this but I promise it all ties together kdjfjkldfkldf

so we all know Kiryu goes off to find Haruka and because I'm a big fan of dadjima, I can only imagine Kiryu lets him know while he's stuck in jail and Majima's just like WHAT

so Kiryu does a lot of self reflection but acting upon it is another matter. I can see Majima chastising him, saying she ran away cuz that's all Kiryu ever does (part of him is still pissy about him leaving in y3) and she's never had a healthy role model other than the king of hypocrisy. Kiryu would go on about how it's just to protect people yada yada but Majima would be like my guy, you left a bunch of kids in the care of your daughter who should not be parenting for you. you refuse any and all help because you think you can do it all on your own. you left me with Daigo who you said I wouldn't be babysitting AND YET—

I just want Majima to absolutely rail into him about how self serving he's acted despite better intentions. like of course Haruka ran away, look how much pressure she was under, what she went through in the idol bizz (maybe I'm a loser but I did not like Haruka's part in y5 that shit icked me), what you (Kiryu) do every time you feel like a burden to people. how naïve it was to think any part of Kiryu's past would leave him behind just because he wanted it to. how his lone wolf thing impedes on everybody else. how in 5 he literally says he needs to stop running from his past and he does it anyway. this game FRUSTRATES ME rrhrrhhrhrr KIRYU FRUSTRATES ME ACK. but also I have a thing for Majima just being angry at him, to actually lash out and spew all those feelings of being left behind or being refused to let help because Kiryu's stubborn. how he let himself be used all those years to help Kiryu out just because he asked and now once again Kiryu's off on his own, never changing his tune about how he doesn't wanna rely on people. Majima's not perfect either and frankly he communicates like shit too but I just want that RAGE to get out and explore how Kiryu would hear him but never listen. makes it all the more tragic when he finds out Kiryu "died."

*tho I must note, as much as it does irritate me, 6 makes sense entirely for Kiryu's character lol. nothing he does in it surprises me in the slightest so while I'm not a fan of the story, it's pretty fitting for him since he's the downfall of his own story half the time. and it's not so simple as just saying Kiryu's to blame. he's constantly forced to deal with shit just as much as he wants to be left alone. he struggles and he tries hard I'll give him that. I don't think he's a bad person for what he aimed to do in 6 but he's not infallible either. and sometimes it's just par for the course. like how he makes the compromise at the end of the game to disappear so his family can be at peace all the while in his history, he's had major problems doing what he's told - never truly disappearing anyway, going about whatever's gonna happen in gaiden. could you imagine if Haruka caught wind that some resting bitch face motherfucker is beating the shit outta armies somewhere? could you imagine her finding out that Kiryu left again?

honestly I think his character is really interesting cuz of this. he has good intentions and I feel like to him there's some expectation that people should understand this, that people should accept his choices. I think it's fun to explore how others react to that - how it's in a way offensive, that Kiryu thinks he knows what's best and how to handle it as if he has all the power and say. how pissed people feel about him shoving them away for the sake of their safety, etc. I don't think he'd listen to Majima tbh but I think it's important that someone unafraid of Kiryu's dumbassery would lay it out how it is to him in a way that cuts, more so than Haruka, Date or like Akiyama could.

ANYWAY, Majima's mad at him lol but can't really do anything atm due to the surrounding circumstances. I like to think he's got some of the Majima family watching out for Kiryu and Haruka if they happened to see them. Nishida at least cuz ain't no one gonna arrest a cutie patootie like him. it's not much but it's a little peace of mind. Majima knows Kiryu's reckless as all hell so he's worried and doubly annoyed that Kiryu doesn't care (about his own safety or that other people are concerned for him).

so since Majima has a fat 5 minutes in the whole game, there's not much to say about his involvement overall (other than oopsie stuck in jail) but I've had some thoughts about what all the jimas³ are doing in the meantime.

all the jimas are grouped together because I said so even tho realistically they'd prolly be separated lol. Daigo and Saejima are handling things well enough but Majima's bouncing off the walls in boredom and nothing irks him more than being stuck in one spot while Kiryu's out probably getting hit over the head with a stop sign and refusing medical attention. Daigo's losing his mind but he can agree Kiryu's bullheaded and talking about that keeps Majima distracted. Saejima does his part in trying to get Majima's mind off things now that they have all the time in the world to catch up on whatever.

time passes and I'm rewriting the part in 6 where they show up at the end cuz I live in a fantasy world.

Kiryu "dies" and suddenly the three of them are released early, no doubt knowing his death had something to do with it. Daigo gets Kiryu's letter and Majima makes some joke about Kiryu's literacy but a quick scan of the letter makes Daigo's face drop. he reads it and Majima doesn't think it's real. he doesn't know how to feel. even Saejima is in disbelief. but the letter is vague. it's conjecture written by Kiryu of his own death so there's a chance he's fine. Kiryu's fine, he's always fine. he's been shot and stabbed a million times, he's fine.

but it's not long till it's confirmed by Date. Daigo's skeptical cuz his inner punkass doesn't trust cops. Saejima's on the same page but Majima's in full denial whilst also believing it to be true. his reaction is immediate and violent. he wants something to be done, he wants revenge but Daigo wants to follow Kiryu's wish to avoid war. Majima's so outraged he frankly couldn't give less of a shit about Kiryu's wishes so it's up to Saejima to wrangle him back *insert a dramatic fight here.* Majima gets his ass beat and he's just a mess. things move fast though - the fate of the clan is up in the air and he just couldn't care. but Daigo needs him and for that he pulls it together, just barely.

fast forward to when the jimas go into hiding. they get set up in a lil safehouse via Nick Ogata. I like to see it as a basic bitch type of place, very out of the way, very ignorable but the inside is nice enough. they have to stay cooped up as much as possible and it drives Majima insane. he's fidgety, always pacing. Saejima tries to calm him down and it works for a time until Majima falls into another slump and repeats.

they took a few things with them that they could, mostly small stuff, some clothes and the like. Majima brought along a few of Kiryu's things, namely some pocket cars and a shirt. he wears it often, being very against washing it. Daigo's too stressed to notice but Saejima watches Majima just break down into someone he doesn't know. he's tired, closed off, guilt ridden. Saejima starts to think this is who Majima was after getting out of the Hole. a shell of a person taking blame for things out of his control. losing the will to care for himself as some sort of self imposed punishment for not doing more. seething in silence in the powerlessness.

his beard grows scraggly, his hair is unkept and the circles under his eye grows darker everyday. his behavior mimics his Sotenbori days where everything was for Saejima, all he could think about was Saejima, how he failed him, how if he tried hard enough he could see him again. it's not the case with Kiryu though. he didn't even get to see the body himself.

he's always on his phone reliving memories through photos and conversations. he freaks out when anyone touches the pocket cars and eventually the shirt gets worn out. he's spiraling while the others look on, unsure how to deal with someone whose entire personality revolves around having a fake one.

Saejima takes initiative. maybe he's seen Majima like this before or maybe he hasn't. doesn't matter because he gives Majima a bit of tough love, telling him to get a grip. telling him that Kiryu wouldn't want to see him like this and, under his breath, he needs him in better shape so they can beat the shit outta whoever was responsible. it's not easy of course. it takes Majima awhile to learn how to live again and frankly he doesn't want to talk about Kiryu but Saejima forces him to - to get comfortable with mentioning him, enjoying the memories they had. letting him know it's okay to be vulnerable. it's not a kind or pleasant recovery but it's there. it's helping.

and perhaps some time under supervision, he goes to see Haruka and meets Haruto for the first time. he tries to keep a strong façade for her but she can see right through him and gets one of those rare moments where he's just quiet. where he's real. she catches him up on things and it's a rough one for the both of them, especially since he has to keep the visit short. she doesn't bother asking him where he's going afterward but he promises to keep in touch and that he does. she sends him a lot of photos and videos of the family and he backseat-parents Yuta whenever possible. Haruka's never been a fan of always having Kiryu at arms length but this arrangement helps her deal with the long distance since there's effort on both ends to stay close.

Majima's not used to having others around to help him cope but he eases into it decently enough without the Tojo Clan on his shoulders. he even gets along better with Daigo who has time now to focus more on himself and the grunge within his soul. he's a silly lil dork and that charm reminds him of Kiryu but in a way that doesn't send him spiraling. he starts to see all reminders of Kiryu in a more hopeful light, one that brings back his energy. for most of their home confinement, Majima wouldn't even go out as Goromi since half his confidence came from Kiryu's support. but now and then, with Saejima and Daigo backing him, he can tiptoe a bit back into his fav dresses, ones that Kiryu gave him, ones that hurt to put on because of the baggage they carry. he doesn't even have his wigs anymore so he assembles what he can, how he can into something he knows Kiryu would have called pretty regardless. it stills hurts but it helps.

but, he'll always dip back into the pain of it all. missing intimacy and things taken for granted. he regrets his last words with Kiryu were criticisms knowing he's not perfect himself. maybe he's faced with realizations that he can't survive without certain people, that his attachment issues are brought to the forefront for everyone to see. it's ugly and embarrassing and for the first time in a long time he feels very seen. death's always been a reality for him and he's never cared much for it in regards to himself but losing someone so close, so suddenly? without closure or goodbyes? he's forced to deal with the frailty and mortality of someone he thought was invincible.

and it scares him.

— icks w/ toji fushiguro, gojo satoru, geto suguru, & sukuna ryomen – main masterlist

TOJI FUSHIGURO | i bet ya'll can guess. it's the fucking worm.

you recognize that he needs the thing in order to fight, and that it is very useful in terms of combat, so you don't have the heart to tell him how much it freaks you out.

he legitimately treats it like a child. whenever you ask why he has to be so gentle with it, he tells you that he has to keep it in top condition so that it can store as many weapons as possible, but he feeds it. he gives it baths. he lets it sleep on a little dog bed that he bought at pet smart. you felt that maybe he was going a little bit overboard.

you've also caught him talking to it. it just really gives you the creeps.

he was so offended when you voiced your disgust with it. like, he held it up and told you that you made it feel bad, then demanded that you apologize.

"are you serious?"

toji just stared at you, one eyebrow raised as he held his worm out in front of him. it was staring at you with those beady eyes, and you couldn't help but crinkle your nose. no matter how many times toji bathed it, it still smelled.

"what's with the face?"

"i'm sorry! it's just so ugly..."

"it? seriously? he's a him."

"good lord, toji."

GOJO SATORU | he's always late. he makes it his whole personality.

he likes to make an entrance, which means that he has to enter every room alone. since many people show up early to events, and even arrives on time, showing up late is his only option.

while that's all fine and dandy for him, when you are each other's respective dates for events either at the school or at your workplace, it becomes your problem as well.

one time, he really wanted to impress his students at a party that he decided to put together at the school, so he made you wait outside so he could enter alone.

"no, you won't have to go in alone! i'll go, then i'll come back out and we'll go in together."

sometimes he shows up late to fights. if he knows who or what he's fighting, he'll make sure he knows if it's a special grade. if it is, he claims that lateness will make him look cooler and more intimidating. this has led to many problems and many stern lectures from nanami.

the one thing he doesn't show up late to is date night. he says that you already know how cool he is, so there's no need.

GETO SUGURU | when he eats curses.

on an objective level you understand. it's a necessary part of his technique, but the way that he decides to do it is so theatrical. you always have to turn away if he starts doing it in front of you, and then he gets all pouty.

you try to tell him that it's not because of him; it's just the idea of it that freaks you out, but he's not having it. you get the silent treatment for a little bit, and then the cycle repeats.

he starts doing it in front of you on purpose. like, he hoards those little curse balls, and then when you two have dinner, he'll be like "oh, i'm covered for tonight" and literally dumps like eight of them on his plate and gives you this smug little grin.

you try and act like it doesn't bother you, but then he sticks a fork in one and sticks his tongue out, making sure to accompany the movements with a loud "ahhh," followed by a satisfied "mmm" when he's swallowed it. this continues for all eight of the curses, and by the sixth one you've scarfed down your food and excused yourself from the table.

your last straw was when he asked you to feed them to him.

SUKUNA RYOMEN | his god complex.

lets start by saying that this man would never be in a relationship. not a healthy one, at least. but for fanfic's sake, let's go a bit ooc.

he slowly but surely becomes used to the healthier aspects of being in a relationship, but he's also still the king of curses. sometimes, when he's annoyed with you, he says things like "one thousand years ago, i'd have crushed you under my thumb for saying those things" and "i can't believe i'm being told to 'get over myself' by a measly human"

with anyone else, it would be extremely concerning. however, you were the one who chose an evil, immortal curse.

you still tell him off, though. it can be really annoying when he gets all high and mighty. because while he is, he doesn't have to act like it all the time.

this complex also means that he can become very possessive. unhealthily so. if any other person even looks in your direction, he's about three seconds from wiping them from existence. while he is very secure in his relationship, and knows that you would never leave him (he knows what he looks like), he also knows that he has the power to do whatever he wants, so killing a few people who give you sideways glances won't hurt anyone. well, mostly.

you try to get him to calm down, but after a while it seems hopeless to even try. again, you knew what you were getting into.

Lumax vs Milevn

One thing that I absolutely love about contrasting Lumax and Milevn is that they followed such similar paths up to a point at which they diverge. And that point of divergence is EVERYTHING.

For starters, Lucas and Mike start off as each others' love interests biggest haters. They try to shut El and Max out of the party respectively.

Next, Lucas and Mike are the only ones who treat Max and El with full respect and acceptance right off the bat. They develop a closer bond than the others, Max and El confiding in Lucas in Mike more than they do the others.

This one's obvious...

And then we get into the absolute ridiculousness of season 3. The girls break up with their boyfriends, laugh about it, the boys bemoan. It's all humor. It's the epitome of youth. Teenage drama.

Sidebar: I hated both of these ships when I first watched this show. I could not get over the ick factor I felt watching children kissing. I kept being like EVERYONE STOP! YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS! Am I really meant to LIKE this??? IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ROMANTIC???

*cough* Anyway, that was my first impression. So the fact that I am a hardcore Lumax shipper now really demonstrates just how phenomenally that story was told in season four. Bringing us to the divergence.

Breaking up versus staying together. I'm not even going to talk about El lying to Mike for six months in this post. This is just about the breakup.

Breaking up Max and Lucas for real (as opposed to how she used to break up with him every so often for the fun of it) while simultaneously entering these characters into high school allowed them to evolve separately from one another and confront more adult struggles. Max distances from her friends as a consequence of trauma and Lucas distances in an attempt to fit in. The conversation between Lucas and Mike

shows how much Mike is taking for granted. Lucas's desire to belong is due to his experiences with bullying and we have canonically seen that for Lucas, this was rooted in racism. Maybe he joined the basketball team because he's just good at basketball, but I think it's worth mentioning that he joined a team with at least three other black boys on it. I'm not going to write a whole article about Lucas's struggles with racism here, but my point is that what Lucas went through with Billy probably had some lasting effects on him just like it did on Max.

So both characters struggled with finding out what they wanted and who really mattered in season 4 and ultimately, this led them back to one another.

On the other end, we have Milkdud doing the exact opposite. Lumax is physically near one another but broken up. Mildew is physically apart but still together. They struggled alone and pretended things were the same between them, not allowing themselves the opportunity to reassess.

THIS STEP WAS NECESSARY. Maybe that's just opinion, but they are not the same people in season 4 as they were in season 2, especially since a lot of the trauma of season 3 has forced them to mature quicker than they otherwise would have.

These relationships parallel one another in seasons 1/2 to demonstrate how boy-meets-girl might play out. How a crush can evolve into a friend and into a relationship. Then in season 3, they parallel to show how shallow the relationships BOTH are at this stage. How inconsequential young romance is in the grand scheme of things. And they diverge in season 4 to show us that trying to continue on as though you are still the same people in the same relationship as you were when you were kids is not going to grow your relationship into a healthy and mature one.

Personally I think Mike is gay, but IF HE'S NOT, Mike and El could have strengthened their relationship had they allowed themselves distance from one another. I didn't ship Byler yet when season 4 came out. Had Milelevator been executed differently, I fully believe I could have shipped them. Lumax is proof of that. The fact that I don't is a consequence of the INTENTIONAL differences between the ways these two relationships were written.

But why would they have kids? Drakken's too stupid and Shego hates kids

ohhhkay then... while i admit, the first thing that comes to mind is that maybe Shego quit teaching because she discovered she didn't wanna deal with kids after all.... nah i don't think she hates kids.

since i'm on that, i'll mention my headcanon... i think she genuinely tried to teach but she was just...completely unprepared for it. life didn't prepare her. i do not think she was perfect mommy to the wegos. did she help care for them as a sister cares for baby brothers? yes i do think this. but i don't think she just...had this perfect natural mothering develop in her, no matter what you think happened to the Team Go parents... no matter when they got their powers... no matter how much the older three siblings had to raise the twins, or not...

teaching is nothing like raising your own kid. so yeah my headcanon is that Shego was just wholly unprepared for it and after giving it an honest try, not having a clue what to do with actual children, and receiving little to no valuable help... that coupled with Team Go complications and feeling the draw toward evil, she quit. easier to quit than to be vulnerable and keep failing. Shego isn't the type to be vulnerable OR to let herself fail in front of anyone.

okay anyway. so your actual ask... not sure why you characterize Drakken as stupid, but i'll deal with the primary topic. Drakken would actually be pretty good with kids? he clearly had a great mother. i think when the kid got old enough to talk back and argue he'd have trouble with the being a dad versus being a friend, thing. i can envision a brat like Martin Smarty's son Artie and a childish combative period between Drakken and son.

but remembering that he'd have raised the kid from infancy, that would actually smooth at all of that relational stuff. as i said, he clearly had a wonderful doting mother. she doesn't smother him in his adulthood. and you can bet she'd be around more to help with a baby. i think Drakken would be like any new parent and ask for advice where he can get it (his mother) and fumble over some things and then be great with others. and you can absolutely bet he'd want to raise a little evil successor to his empire. i think he'd be both terrified, icked out, and thrilled at the idea of a kid. a kid completely changes one's life, because they become your life. and between he and Shego and occasional visits (more early on) from his mother, they'd have a pretty solid start and he'd continue with world domination plans, just now with a child. and he'd absolutely adore that kid... the way he goes all-in on things, he'd just worship that baby. my opinions, at least.

Shego i think would be the harder sell. she'd be afraid of messing it all up, cuz her life as a hero didn't prepare her to be normal. she would be very ehhhhh about childbirth. but because of Drakken, she'd go through it. i feel like she'd be pretty tough on him during pregnancy but they'd do research together to try to figure out how to raise a kid. once she gets past her fear and denial, she'd do the job of mother just fine. i think she'd be in a kinda endless fear/denial cycle though for a looooong time... probably would recur through the years as the kid gets older. she'd rely on Drakken a lot. her laziness would come out in spades at any time she perceives something as difficult...

but, their strength is...they have each other. Shego's trust in Drakken would really start to show when they're parents. Drakken's all-in attitude and just pure love for that kid would infect her. not saying it'd be sunshine and roses, it would be a wild ride. i mean, would the kid get Shego's powers? Drakken's plant mutation? other Team Go powers? none at all? they'd wanna raise the kid to be evil, but they'd also be wanting to instill normal morality along with it. it's necessary to raise a mentally healthy person.

so..... yeah.... long and short of it. Drakken's not stupid, i've commented on his intellgience in many posts. he'd adore a kid. and there's no evidence anywhere that Shego hates kids. they'd be good parents together and raise kids just fine.

Hi Kiko! I'm glad to hear you'll be starting your new job soon! So exciting!!

And thank you for the update on Atlas🥺! I'm happy to see him doing so much better!! (And that picture of him as a kitten??🥺🥺🥺omgg so cutee). Also you mentioned he is part Maine Coon, is he a big boy then? Because I know Maine Coon cats can grow pretty big.

I hope the new year hass been good so far for you! For me its been a bit hectic with university but not too bad so far. I'm also taking driving lessons to hopefully finally get my license in the summer!

And I have another fun random question about Goinko for you. What do you think their icks would be about one another? (I feel like Gojo seriously wouldn't be able to find any because he's just that whipped for Rinko haha)

HELLO. I AM ALSO EXCITED, AND TERRIFIED. It's completely in-office, which I haven't done in years. My old job was hybrid, and my most recent job was fully remote. I have to wear real pants for this new job 😭😭😂

Atlas IS a big boy. He's already bigger than Arli, who is just a domestic shorthair. She's going on... seven(?) years old now, and Atlas is already about three or four pounds heavier than she is at just over a year old. But the vet says he's at a healthy weight! He also looks bigger sometimes because he's SO FLOOFY. SO FUCKING FLOOFY. But he's long, too. Like, very long. But his tail is kinda short. (hehe. i'm a child for laughing at all the euphemisms that can be made 😂)

The new year has been mostly uneventful so far! I've been trying to spend the time before I start my new job relaxing and catching up on some chores I let fall flat because of my extreme depression 🫠

Good luck with this semester of school! And with your driving lessons! If you don't mind my asking, are you in the states or somewhere else? And do you have a specific reason for not getting your license until now? I know the driving age is different in a few countries, but some people also just choose not to get their license if they don't want/need!

As for your Goinko question: What are their 'icks' about each other?

BRUH. I'VE NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THIS. I also don't have a super good understanding of what this means... DOES THIS MEAN I'M OLD? 😭 google only kinda helped 🥲

We'll just do Another Level for now, but maybe in the future, I'll do Physical Paradox, too! (when i have a better understanding for what this actually means)

Gojo with Rinko:

Whenever she does something that reminds him of the Zenins too much. I think her sneer is one, oddly enough. Like, her really mean sneer that literally matches Naobito or Naoya perfectly.

When she speaks poorly of herself or tries to run from a situation when they have a disagreement. As their relationship develops now that they're together, I can see her avoidant personality really bothering him.

Little ones I think could include silly things like how much detergent she uses when washing clothes, how she hangs her shirts in the closet once they've moved in together completely... I'll probably think of more as time goes on?? maybe??

Rinko with Gojo:

him drinking is for sure one. but idk if that counts?

when he refused to take teaching seriously

when/if he keeps up the facade of overconfidence when they're alone instead of being honest with her...

-

there are definitely more, but I AM STRUGGLING, AND I WANT TO ANSWER THIS INSTEAD OF LETTING IT SIT FOR WEEKS.

but in reality, they're so whipped for each other that most things they can just talk through or get over?? like idk if that matters for icks?? WHAT EVEN IS AN ICK. I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I WILL DO A BETTER VERSION OF THIS IN THE FUTURE ONCE I HAVE A BETTER HANDLE ON IT. IT'S ADDED TO MY LIST OF THINGS TO WRITE 😬

The Person On Your Mind in July 🎱 2023 - Sagittarius

Whole of their energy towards Sagittarius: 2 Cups

Feelings: 6 Cups rev

Intentions: 7 Wands rev

Actions: 10 Wands & 2 Wands

Assuming this is an ex, or a current partner, in their feelings being King of Swords & Queen of Swords rev, they’ve healed from things that made them very angry with you, vice versa, or that’s the goal. It looks like you two are getting back together if you’re apart. 2 Cups shows the love between you is mutual and you’re having a brand new beginning, one that’s moving VERY quickly with 8 Wands. You both made the decision and acted immediately, or will. They intend to not argue about what you did, not defend whatever they did, 6 Cups rev trumps all past experiences. If it’s over then it’s over, and if you’re starting over then that’s that, they’re over the past either way. In action, there is no real action, they just realize it’s difficult for you, them, or both to completely shed past experiences. That is the goal, releasing any ick leftover, and you do have success here, that’s what you’re both trying to achieve, but it could take some thought and direct addressing of some of these things in order to do so. Not in the way of let’s fight about old shit, more like “how do we not do this in the future, what is the root cause?” - and then 4 Pentacles rev is releasing everything else that isn’t that. Address it, handle it, then let it go 🙏 Feels like a mostly positive mutual experience between you, no matter what happens.

Messages:

Their side:

- Beautiful voice

- I see the real you, and love it.

Your side:

- Reckless Spender 🤑

- XXX

Possible signs:

Sagittarius, Cancer, Aquarius & Leo

If you’re dealing with:

6 Pentacles shows you having healthy & balanced relationships in July, you could be very generous and giving towards others and will probably see that they are reciprocating that same energy towards you. It’s a good time to be social with this energy 💙

Aries - a beautiful new beginning that you, they, or both of you have high hopes for

Taurus - staying to themselves because they’re upset at/about you, they miss you

Gemini - could be losing a lot of money, buying a car, fixing one, or they’re sick of their job and hauling ass to leave it 💯 you could work together or be helping them with something

Cancer - in the middle of a karmic situation with Wheel of Fortune & Justice, it could be regarding work or just taking forever, possible legal issues

Leo - patiently saving money for a Tower, preparing for the worst but trying to make the best of a difficult situation

Virgo - has a lot to say but it’s all toxic & judgemental bs, you’re onto their crap

Libra - heartbroken it ended and you’re just fine, or you feel that way about them

Scorpio - celebrating a promotion or some kind of “level up”, either for you or them 🎉

Sagittarius - dealing with some sort of emotional manipulator, there’s truth and a lot of back and forth conversation, maybe some advice

Capricorn - giving up for sanity’s sake

Aquarius - coming around to giving you another chance, or you are

Pisces - someone you’re either married to, or want to be, a stable foundation and a lot of attraction, this is a beautiful relationship

#30: on alternate universes and quarter-life crises

It’s crazy to think that the last time I did this, I hadn’t graduated from uni yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to journal since then, it’s just that I didn’t really have any headspace for any kind of non-academic writing or proper introspection until... now, I guess? Even now, after so long of not really putting my thoughts into proper full sentences, it’s kind of hard to write in a way that isn’t in a scientific capacity.

There’s been a lot of thoughts running through my head lately, though. And as always, I’m not sure where to start. But nobody reads these things except me anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter whether or not there’s any semblance of flow or logic to this. 

I’m glad the pandemic is pretty much over. Not that the virus has disappeared, but the world seems to have more or less returned to normal now. Which is great, because it would really suck to have to graduate into the job market of 2 years ago. I’m glad that I have a job that I like, and another job on the horizon that I’m excited about too. Most days whenever I think about it I can still barely believe that I somehow applied for 1 job and ended up being offered 2 (well, actually 3 if you count the freelance retainer offer thingy). And I’m glad that at least for now, I still have the time and bandwidth to continue with aca with The Lower Loungers. 

I’ve recently started getting a glimpse of the wider aca community in Singapore, though, and... honestly, a lot of people in it give me the ick. And like, in a MAJOR way. Maybe I’m the one at fault for vacillating violently between “oh shit I’m actually pretty good at this” and “holy shit I suck at this”, but my impression is that a lot of them have overinflated egos and will take any and every opportunity to show off, or will hype their “friends” up without really meaning it even though something their “friends” are doing may be objectively not-good. But I’m glad that in The Lower Loungers, I’ve surrounded myself with people who I can trust to be honest with themselves and with me, and who are driven by passion and not ego. Which seems (at least, to me) to be fairly rare in this industry. I’ve always had a theory that to be a good musician, you need a healthy balance of narcissism and self-loathing, and I guess as someone who more often than not sits on the self-loathing end, it really irks me when the balance is tipped towards the other end. Or maybe I’m just jealous of their confidence. I don’t know. I should probably be unpacking all of this in therapy, but I have neither the time nor the money for it right now.

I feel like I’ve been trying to be own therapist for a long time now, though. It’s always been a coping mechanism of sorts for me to intellectualise my feelings and pick them apart from the outside, so the next time I feel the same way maybe it won’t hurt as much. Does it work? Hell if I know. It doesn’t really make things easier in the moment, that’s for sure. But it’s definitely more convenient to just force myself to swallow it and then pick away at it later when it’s half-digested, rather than sit in it in all its fullness and dissolve into an emotional mess. I’m starting to realise that maybe this coping mechanism isn’t always the most healthy way to approach things. Sometimes I can move on by compartmentalising it and opening it up later when I’m in a more stable headspace. Other times it just feels like I’m always running away from myself. Maybe sometimes I just need to let myself sit in the emotion and fully feel through it. 

My sister mentioned something recently about “healing your inner child”. I’ve heard of it before, but I’ve never really felt the need to really dwell on it, I suppose. But maybe that’s because I don’t want to think about myself as a child. I want to leave her in the past, together with all the pain and hurt that she carries, whether or not she knows that she does. I don’t know how to look her in the face without shouldering all of her damage again. Running away again, I guess.

And maybe all this running away is what’s keeping me from emotionally availing myself for a relationship. I’m not ready to share my life so intimately with someone else, but I may never be. I don’t know. I don’t even really know how to identify, some days I don’t feel any need to label myself but other days it’s hard not to feel the pressure to do just that. It’s hard enough to admit to myself that I’m probably not straight, let alone commit to it by labelling it. Most days I get by by telling myself that I’d rather be happily alone with a bunch of cats than unhappily stuck in a loveless marriage. Still, it would be nice to have someone. I want to be able to say that I have someone. But that doesn’t mean that the prospect of opening up my deepest wounds to someone doesn’t still terrify me. And being openly not-straight also terrifies me. Immensely so. Maybe things wouldn’t be so difficult if I wasn’t such a late bloomer with love and sexuality.

To be honest, lately I can’t help but feel that I’m a late bloomer in... pretty much all of my interests apart from the one that I’m currently making a career out of. I’d like to think that in another life, I got singing lessons instead of keeping with piano, kept with choir instead of pin-balling between all the other performing arts, and would be more competent and more connected with the aca community now. Or maybe in another life, I’d have the guts to post covers online of me and my guitar, or I’d been allowed to bring my guitar to hall, and maybe I’d have gotten into Unplugged and would be a part of some band now. In yet another life, I’d like to think that I discovered musical theatre earlier and went to Lasalle or even somewhere in America to get a BFA in musical theatre and try to make it on Broadway, or honestly, I would even be content with regional theatre. In another life, I’d like to think that I stuck with softball through secondary school and JC, and would still be strong enough and athletic enough to continue playing it now. In another life, maybe I would’ve let my Taylor Swift edit-making skills turn into a passion for graphic design. In another life, maybe I would have pushed through being really bad at math and actually have become an engineer like Mr Lim Lee said I should. Or maybe in another life, I’d have gone overseas for uni and and have embarked on a myriad of academic or non-academic ventures that I can’t do here in Singapore. Maybe it would be easier there to figure out who I am.

I’m not saying that I’d rather live these alternate lives over this one. Or am I? I don’t know. No, most days I really do believe that I am where I’m meant to be, and even though at several points long the way I thought I was being derailed, they resulted in valuable experiences that shaped me into who I am. Even if I still don’t really know who I am. They were chapters of my life that served a purpose for where I was in life at the time, and once it was over it was time to move on to the next chapter and leave it behind, no matter how much I enjoyed it. It doesn’t stop me from missing those chapters and from mourning what could’ve been if certain things hadn’t happened or if I had actually been as competent as I would have liked to be, but it is what it is, I guess. Actually, on that note - do I really even want to live those alternate lives? Or do I just resent that I’m not competent enough to really live them out? Were / are they ever truly passions of mine or is it just that I can’t stand not being good enough at something that I even mildly enjoy? Is it that I would rather be a spectacular failure than put in the effort to strive for excellence and then fall short into mediocrity? Damn, I really should be unpacking all of this in therapy.

But I do think I’ve more or less made peace with the fact that I’m where I am for a reason. It doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about what could’ve been in another life, though I’ll never admit that to anyone.

It also doesn’t stop me from worrying endlessly about the future. I know, sounds like nothing has changed. I guess my life has always been marked by endless anxiety that surrounds me and everything I do like a tornado of static. And part of me doesn’t know where the static ends and I begin. But that’s nothing new, I suppose. For now, I’m just taking things one day at a time, one chapter at a time. Because it’s senseless to worry about someday not being ok when I am ok right now. 

Ok. Breathe.

-jo

#12

Dear Future Husband,

You are the person that I trust the most. Telling you all my secrets now, how I really feel deep down and all, makes it all easier and comforting since I haven’t met you yet. 

Thing is, there’s a sudden ache in my heart that I felt just about a few days ago. I don’t know how to explain it properly but I’ll try my best. 

Would it be wrong if I say that I ‘might’ feel happier when love life is out of the picture now? I'm kind of dating this guy named ‘Renzo’ and I want to end it already.

I don’t know. He’s been nothing but nice to me. But why am I feeling like there’s something wrong? My gut feel says there’s something off between the two of us or am I just overthinking again? 

I know he and I have a good connection. I know that I like him - but a part of me feels like backing off because I’m scared. The feeling of loving him too much scares me cause I don’t think he’ll catch me when I fall hard.

The relationship he and I have is somewhat healthy, yes, but I don’t know how to approach it properly because I wasn’t used to this. Since the break up with ex, I’ve been so protective of my sanity, my peace, and my actions that as soon as I see or feel even a slight ‘ick’, I won’t even hesitate to let go. 

I know that might make me sound arrogant and parang oa masyado, I know that that will hurt Renzo, I know that that isn’t fair to him at all, but is it bad if I just realized I love myself more? Is it bad to be protective of my peace and my boundaries? 

I mean, Renzo himself taught me that. I didn’t understand that nung una but now that I’m getting the hang of it, experiencing it full hand - how ironic would it be if that be the reason I ‘break up’ per se with Renzo? 

I’m really loving myself more now, learning my own boundaries, enjoying my own company, doing things that make me really happy that I feel like being selfish of my own time and energy and just spend it on myself. My goals have never been more clear as now and I am lining up my focus on the big plans I have for my life again. I have so many ideas and adventures that I want to take on. I want to create art and I want to try new things. I want to experience life on my own. I’m deeply genuinely loving myself that I may not have the space to share this excitement with Renzo or anyone for that matter. 

Tipong gusto ko lang solohin yung time and energy ko because I deserve this kind of self love. I deserve to spoil myself because I really want to be spoiled, even in the little things and my past wasn’t able to give that :( I want to remind and reassure myself with positive words and compliments because those are some that I kept on begging before :( I want to spend real quality time through my own activities and take real good care of my body because I was used to being dismissed on every suggestion I’d say and that I wasn’t that good looking before :( and I want to cook awesome meals to surprise myself because not once did my past ever did a kind gesture like that for me :( 

Is that being self absorbed? I hope not. I never found myself vain ever since. I guess these are just things I wished I received, experienced and felt growing up. Just some things I lacked from my family and past relationships. 

Is this being self-aware? Is that how you call it? I don’t know. Maybe healing? Not sure. Sooo many questions. Pero sige, for the lack of a better term, healing na lang. Maybe this is a healing process I’m going through. Deeply realizing my worth and how I want to be treated. 

Buti na lang ikaw kausap ko future husband. I don’t think I can ever open this up to Renzo cause I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I don’t want to make him second guess what I feel about him. This is straight up, it’s not you it’s me vibe. Which is very wrong of me, I admit. Not worse than cheating of course but this is still bad. Alangan naman sabihin ko sa kanya, ‘hanapin ko muna sarili ko’? Lameee excuse. I don’t believe in that bs. 

Tsaka ang pangit naman kase tingnan. Ano yun, ginawa ko syang rebound? Just because I’m healed/still healing, okay na akong wala sya? Hayyy nako self, umayos ka. Renzo doesn’t deserve that. I know that. 

Maybe I’m just being skeptic of how things are doing in my life right now. Sobrang dami lang tumatakbo sa isip ko na nakalimutan ko na ngang kausap pala kita, FH. Pasensya ka na, parang ginawa ko lang diary tong post. I’m a machine gun of emotions. 

In the end, alam ko namang this is horrible of me to feel this way, think this way. I can heal/love myself while giving, sharing the love I have to Renzo and other people around me. I know that naman. Again, I’m just being skeptic and cautious. 

Goshhh I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Please please please universe, ayoko lang talagang masaktan na. It’s a risk I’m willing to take but am highly trying to avoid. Kaya anong punto nitong post na to? To be honest, hindi ko na din alam. 

But hopefully reading this will help you FH realize how wilddd my thoughts can get. I hope I meet you soon and love me enough that by the time you do read this, tapos na tong phase ko na ganito. 

I have to do better than this. 

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant FH. I hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts!! Don’t mock me, okay :P 

Your personal mental patient hahaha, 

Cee

Gives me the ick

The Ick

The fucking ick

I give myself the ick at times

I’m not my thoughts. You need to meditate. And get going. I’m so fucking overwhelmed with the exam. Where do I start. And why do I keep thinking about so many fkets from the past. It’s like a threat like she’s right, I’m afraid she’s right about me. Well I know she’s right.. or more like I know I have some flaws but no one is perfect. And life is about working smarter not harder and I don’t need to be miserable.

There’s things I run away from and shut down from too.

There’s so much that just is not going to work out. Things need to be set up for the best. Things need to be set up for a happy and healthy ending. I don’t need to prove myself to any man.. it’s just about being me unapologetically. It’s about self love and self healing and pouring the cup into myself. Yet it’s also about loving him. Like I literally can’t even. I fucking can’t I just need to meditate and clear my mind.

It feels nonstop rigbt now but there will be an end to this feeling. Block and delete I’m glad I did that because that guy is a fucking loserrrrrr LOL trust me he has zero ties to me and yes he’s right he owes me nothing. You think I want to be friends with you get fucking real you idiot. Don’t even feel guilt babe you’re playing the game this just how the real world is babe.

He ain’t doin it then another man will. Like this the lifestyle I deserve and more.

You are good baby. You’re good. You’re free. You don’t need to be anywhere but here. You aren’t missing out. You are good. You have always been good. I’m fuckjng nervous. The way my mood fluctuates so goddamn up and down in a day. Overwhelmed. Sad. Grateful. Hopeful. Motivated. Then impulsive. Upset. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions bro. It’s my responsibility to upkeep.

Don’t listen to anybody but your own heart. There’s no fucking system in place. It feels like there’s just so much la la la and shit. Like I need a schedule and a disciplined self schedule isn’t going to work for me. See it for what it is and accept it. It’s nothing to do with your competency, your self worth, your value. It just is because it is and that’s fucking okay. I don’t believe that it’s okay though.

My brain be jumping so much it’s so hard to sit still and just be - to just study.

Let her go mich.. be okay with how others reject or look down on you.. because it’s

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what my “game plan” or strategy is. I feel so fucking lost and like I don’t know what’s the right guided path. I need everything and all things to just shut the fuck up. So I can hear my own voice. Yet I don’t trust that voice ? Or the voice is not the best. Like I don’t know what to do. I think I’m deep in this thinking spiral and it’s going to be really deadass baddd.

Throw that whole shit away. The keg LOL, trust your intuition. You know you babe.

I’m not blocking my blessings and I’m not chasing no man. What works works and what don’t, dont.

It’s not my problem how others view or see me whatsoever.

It was nice being with a man who was who he was. Doing anything for me though wasn’t exactly anything at all. His personality is just his money literally and I’m surprised he didn’t know that.

Can’t hook up a Christmas gift, sending me dumb fucking videos of you at the strip club- don’t blame urself babe. He’s literally an idiot, he makes me fucking puke he’s so disgusting and recording every single thing. We’re just friends like boy you think you have game or that you’re the one wearing the pants HAHAHA. Get outta here, you some lame ass sucka shit, I’m one less sucka free.

Journaling keeps me in tune with myself.

There’s some very very poor coping mechanisms on my part. I can do better and I can be better. The day is not over. Every day there is another chance and another opportunity. Every hour every minute. Time is ticking and life for me will end one day.

Be who you are and say how you feel, those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.

Yes, you deserve the world and more. Yes, you deserve Queen and princess treatment.

Yes, as soon as the shit goes downwards then it’s downwards and that’s that.

I’m the best they’ve ever had and they will never ever forget that.

I have a smart head, the right head on my shoulders, I have family, I’m devoted and invested in the right here and right now.

No matter what happens. Don’t you give up. Don’t you feel bad about yourself. Don’t you blame yourself. You keep moving forward. You put yourself first. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks or says. The world is yours baby. Do no harm and take no shit. Know your worth and don’t ignore your intuition. If it’s not getting better it’s getting worse.

You decide what kind of mindset to have. You decide your daily schedule. You decide what to do in your free time. Tik tok and Instagram isn’t SHIT. It’s not healthy for your loneliness.

Your loneliness must include giving to yourself.

My loneliness must include nourishing myself. Healing, revealing, feeling. Be at peace with yourself before you look at others. Have a high self esteem and confidence levels. Be the inspiration you have always needed and sought. You are so many steps ahead of what ever was in the past and you have the power to keep moving forward.

Stop being mediocre.

Thoughts about the fifth season (spoilers)

Okay, so normally I would make these posts as neutral as possible because I want them to reach anyone who enjoys the show. Even if you are someone that really fucking hates incest ships you can read them and still have an idea of what I liked, what didn’t, etc, without me bringing up that element. You can disagree or agree without being reminded “oh, yeah, he is one of THOSE fans I don’t like” and that is totally fine by me. Curate your own online experience and all that. But this is season is quite literally about the relationship between Rick and Morty, so as a rickmorty shipper I just can’t separate that from what I enjoyed about it and thus I am going to be talking from that position during all of this. If that makes you uncomfortable, that is cool, I get it. You can skip this one if you want. Also, this is going to be a general big mess of thoughts and whatever because I have lots of them so, bear with me. -Some of the shippers I was with on a server will know this already, but from the very first episode I was sure we were going to have two major themes: 1. Rick is a flawed human being, not a god, not a ultra genius who is always destined to be on top of everything and knows how to get out of any situation. Just a man. And that is why he needs other people, which is somethig he had to accept and understand about himself, especially after the fourth season was all about dethroning him as the patriarch of the family and break away the illusions that Beth had about her own father. We have standed too long having Rick win on everything and coming out like a badass, so it’s time to kick him down a bit and let him lose. 2. Morty’s heart is always going to get fucked over, which is something that gets even more explored on the Planetina episode: he wants a place to belong with a person who doesn’t make him feel like the odd one out. Combine the two and my idea was: they want to assure us about their relationship on some kind of way, this is about them and what they feel regarding each other. Probably about why or how Rick became so jaded because why else include Rick freaking out about Mr Nimbus just mentioning Diane’s name and how much he changed, on a first episode no less, if this isn’t something we are setting up to see later. They explicitely brought someone from Rick’s past to talk about that past and make a point to tell us that changed Rick. -So, we have the two major player set up like this: on one hand, Morty aspires for that companionship but he is not willing to compromise his own moral for it, whatever he has left after starting to take on some Rick’s traits. He is desperate for that connection and if that means leaving Rick behind, so be it. Rick will still be there anyway. On othe other hand, Rick also wants that connection and companionship but it’s too disfunctional and can’t make it quite work because there is always a part of him that wants to keep distance. With the alien lady, evne with the crows, it’s all about escapism and pretend like everything is fine, it’s just fun and he doesn’t have to care because they are just having a good time together. He tried to do that too with BP by keeping away the info about his daughter, but he called his bluff because BP knew Rick too much to not see that comic. It’s rebound after rebound because he is missing the one person that can keep him in check, that truly knows what a piece of fucking shit he is and somehow still comes back to him. BP saw that, knew what was happening, and prefered to get the fuck away because he didn’t want to compromise his own values like that either. But Rick doesn’t have that problem with Morty. It truly is Rick and Morty one hundread years because, no matter how fucking bad it gets, they still choose one another. -Now, the way they keep building up this relationship, these connection, even regarding the rest of the family, to me is brilliant in restrospect because it perfectly illustrate how much they have changed from what they were before and what that means. Morty is more independent and less afraid, right, but that doesn’t make him more happier because he is still lonely and Rick is being reminded, over and over again, that he can’t be alone either. -Regarding the way Morty have behaved, I have seen some people being concerned about how Morty is becoming more independent and therefore not relying on Rick as much for anything, so it’s like what is the point of their relationship anymore. And like, to me it makes sense they show because they have already told us on past seasons that Morty has stopped viewing Rick with that wide eyed expression for a long time. He is learning from him and can defend himself, so why does he need Rick at al? The answer is because he loves him. You can read that as platonic or romantic or whatever, but for better or for worse Morty just loves Rick. You shouldn’t love people because you need them, or at least that is not a healthy basis for any relationship. I said this on another post: you cannot make anyone to be your center for your mental health like that, and I feel like they aware of this point, which I really fucking love because it would have been easy as fuck to write any pairing like that.  -If you stay for the “Behind of scenes” scenes, the writers talk about how this season is about building trust between Rick and Morty. So it starts with Morty going around cleaning up some of the messes Rick left behind without telling Rick and then fucking the portal gun because he doesn’t trust Rick to not “kill him” to finding out he did that, just like Rick in fact doesn’t trust Morty to not be doing unnecesary bullshit. So Morty, hurt because his suspicions were right, puts an ultimatum and Rick, being the petty fuck we all know him to be, takes it kind because of course he would. -What does Morty does immediately after this? Latch onto another sketchy as fuck older man whose name ends with Ick and hope that is the connection he craves, because after all “we are like brothers now.” So rebound for him, rebound for Rick, rebounds for the crows, rebounds for everyone. Yay. -I know it has been however many years have passed since this show started, and it was obvious for fucking everyone who watched it, but I do really like that they use the exact words for how their dynamic has been: unhealthy, toxic, abusive. Lack of trust, lack of boundaries, secrets. Just straight up calling it as it is. So they have both of them confronting that fact, being aware of it, and to top it all off, make Morty the only being now on their universe that knows everything about Rick, every single thing he has kept even from BP, like the true reason he joined to their guerilla group, and still makes the conscious choice to go after Rick even when, as far he was aware of at least, there was another option.  -So, okay, now what, might someone ask. We have put everything out there and we have talked about what is wrong about their relationship, does this mean we are doing the boring healthy bullshit now? Well, nope. Considering that Morty did went out of his way to guilt trip Rick into getting back and Rick admits point blank admits he get it, Morty refusing to demand things be different because he is just desperate... they are still and probably always going to be a condependent mess, but hey, a condependent mess that at least is kinda self aware about it and won’t pull the “I am going to break up with you on a whim” move again, hopefully. I do think and expect some things to change, but only as far their dynamic during adventures goes and regarding the rest of the family, with everyone being on the know that those two are an item neither of them can get in between. Rick is probably still going to want to keep some things in control, he is still not going to express his feelings to Morty directly and Morty is still going to be a little shit that will want for validation that won’t come his way. It’s a shithole house, but at leat it’s their home kind of thing, and personally, that is how I like it. -The “adventures as a metaphor for a relationship so this is not like a real break up” is real funny when you hear the writers literally calling it a break up and a relatonship. Also, the amount of times that they say “my partner”. Like, I am sorry, but how the fuck I am supposed to believe this wasn’t for the shippers, fucking how? Like even if you aren’t one, and you go “it’s a metaphor!! it’s not like an actual relationship, they are not saying they are together as a couple”, that is flimsy as fuck because we have determined already that Rick uses adventures as an extension for all his relationships. There is a intentional paralel between BP and Morty and how Rick treats the both of them, like he would do anything for them but still be kind of a lying piece of shit too, so it’s definitely canon on the sense -Omg, we had miniature cute Mortys who like crayons and also big hot adult Morty, fucking finally. I cannot fucking believe they wouldn’t know the blessing they were throwing to fandom with that one, they know what they are doing.  -Rick as a boy dressing on the same colors of Morty could have been a cute little detail, like aww, they are family, so they pass down those colors from one generation to another because family, but fuck all of that, let’s make it creepy and fucked up because why not. But it’s also interesting because if Ricks breeded Mortys and put those colors on them, isn’t that another way of saying “you are connected to us just as much as we are connected to you”? Because they didn’t had to chose those colors, but they did it because it meant something for them. On a very fucked up way, I think they might even feel themselves more fathers to Morty than even Beth, because many of them didn’t cared manipulating her in order to gain more Mortys even if they could just clone them easily. -”You all really are bred for forgiveness”... Not really, or else “Evil Morty” wouldn’t exist and Cop Rick, the good one, would have never been attacked by using the attachment of Ricks against him. But Morty had made his choice and that choice was Rick, and even then Rick cannot fucking believe it so he has to reduce it to his breeding. -So, the finite curve has been destroyed and almost all Ricks were killed, the ones that weren’t coincidentally fucking off to another place just when that happened. That means that now there is true infinite universe where Rick is not the smartest man on the universe, where Rick doesn’t even exist at all, so we may have adventures where other people where the smartest people on their universe and Rick could finally meet his equal or someone even worse.  -The final speech of Mr Poppybutthole is kinda the perfect ending to everything, because he is talking avoid being afraid of the people he loves finding the “true” self of him and not loving him anymore, but Morty did that and he still loves Rick and, listen, I have FEELINGS about it, okay.  -After exploring this, which was the true only canonical mistery of the whole series, while also dumping off the backstory of Rick so nobody has to theorize about it anymore, it feels like they going two routes: either we are dumping anything about serialized anything, at least for a while, and we are back to just silly adventures with asshole grandpa and traumatized kid, or... we are introducing another big baddie that we are going to drag to hell and back. Maybe Evil Jerry? That could be fun to explore on the show. My bet is on the second option because I think that is the kind of thing that Justin really enjoys doing and that is why it appears on Solar Opposites as well, with the whole Wall as a central points behind all the shenanigans of the aliens.  -The only misteries left are: the weird Rick that killed his family, if he wasn’t killed already on the Citadel, and Birdperson reunion with his daughter, for which he might ask Rick’s help in the future when he cools down or maybe Rick gets his daughter back for him on a ridiculous plan to make him return his calls, because that is something he is going to pull. The Jessica thing and her quest for becoming an actual character with her own thing going on. -This finale made rickmorty canon on all the ways it could without having them literally making out willingly, and after Naruto, I don’t think that is a line they are not willing to cross at some point in the future, even if it’s just a joke. They already did with the parasites. I honestly don’t even know how you can watch the show and think “fuck yeah, they hate those ships just as much as I do!”, because with the way the writers talk about it and literally this entire season being nothing but a building up for their relationship, I would have been turned if I didn’t ship it already.

I’m so sorry the first comment you got was a complaint because this fic is just more amazing with every single chapter and every single word you add to it! I’ve been having a Kinda hard time lately, Covid/Work stress, getting first vaccine shot and worrying about my family. I’ve been stressed out and most days feel like I can’t keep it together but when I see a FIC update from you, suddenly everything’s okay again so thank you for writing this amazing story about these three smart idiots! 💜💜💜

So I’ve actually received a few complaints from that person re: the pacing and how they don’t like how Stucky is treating Tony but I just deleted the previous ones because they were short “how they treat him makes me uncomfortable” and I chalked it up to a difference of opinion. I mean, I’ll never understand why people uncomfortable with polyamory read stuckony fics? I had a comment on PH once that said they thought I was setting it up for Winteriron to get together and leave Steve behind because of how terrible Steve was to both of them and I just...?? CLEARLY a difference of opinion lol 

But to call the story boring and say that Tony is being left out? The boring thing is an opinion I guess, we are nine chapters and over 70k into it and the main pairing hasn’t even kissed yet (though to be fair, the story is literally not even a third of the way over so....) but I feel like saying that Tony is being excluded shows that they definitely are NOT reading the story or are reading it and choosing to only see what they want, because there hasn’t been a single scene where Stucky was lone that they didn’t at least mention Tony? Even if they aren’t all sleeping together, he is literally present in every stucky central scene at least by topic of conversation and usually the conversation is “how do we show him we want more when he doesn’t want it yet?” 

One thing I found out post CACW was that some particularly anti Stucky readers would only read Stuckony if it included Stucky groveling and basically tripping over themselves to make Tony love them, and like... ick. That sounds like terrible relationship dynamics to me. I do enjoy a healthy dose of “Stucky’s gonna get that booty no matter what” but that only shows up in my fics if Stucky is well established and in a good place to go get Tony (Sugar Sugar, Long Distance). If Stucky has to work on their own relationship, I ALWAYS have them do that before including Tony physically because healthy polyamory requires all three people to be in a good place, not one couple ignoring their own issues to bring a third person in?? 

Anyway, I got some really nice comments countering that one so that was nice, but honestly NOTHING is more frustrating as a writer than to not only get a negative comment, but to get one by someone who has so obviously not truly read the fic or is clearly reading it with an agenda (anti stucky, anti tony, whatever). 

I will say though, the comment made me take some time and really pore over my outline to see if I really was dragging things out and making the relationship dynamic boring and I can confidently say I don’t think I am, and also I sprinkled in some more nekkid ness as a treat just in case lol

Book Twenty-Three: It

"Maybe that’s why God made us kids first and built us close to the ground, because He knows you got to fall down a lot and bleed a lot before you learn that one simple lesson. You pay for what you get, you own what you pay for... and sooner or later whatever you own comes back home to you.” 

I’m just going to come right out and say it.

Orgy. 

Pre-teen child orgy.

Weird-ass, icky, questionable judgement that I’m going to chalk up to years of drug and alcohol abuse... orgy. 

Of all the strange and bizarre things Steve has written over the years, the child orgy scene in It might be the strangest one. I’ve read articles back and forth, and I know there was controversy surrounding whether or not to include it in the movie (glad cooler heads prevailed there!), but ick!!! Maybe it’s because my daughter is Beverly’s age, but ick!!! 

I don’t think it belonged in the book. There were hundreds of other way the kids could have cemented their friendship, and shown adult status without sex. I mean, they already had a blood oath: what more do you need?? 

I know. This is such a small scene in the book, but it troubles me as a woman, a feminist, and most importantly, a mother. And as a writer, I’m also troubled that parts of it are written like a bad porn: “Something that will bring us together forever. Something that will show...that I love you all... Who’s first?” 

Gag. I just threw up in my mouth a little. 

I loved reading It. The past and present chapters of the book flowed so fluidly, the character development was excellent, and Pennywise is terrifying. But this one part just keeps me from ever wanting to read it again. And then it had me questioning my own enjoyment of the book. Should I come down hard on this one for Steve’s tone-deaf attitude towards children having sex? Should I just ignore it and move along? Is it callus for me to enjoy the book, and still be bothered by the child orgy scene? 

I think I finally settled on the last option. 

Okay. We tackled the elephant in the room, now let’s move along to my half-assed review of the rest of the book. 

I thought I had read It in the past, but when the book was delivered, I was shocked to see how thick it was. I was expecting a much shorter read. That was clue number one I had never read it. Clue number two was not really remembering the past and present story lines. So I’m going to assume I’m at that fragile, old age where I no longer remember every book I’ve ever read. 

I have seen both of the recent movies, and thought they stayed fairly true to the book, and I liked their casting. I even imagined several movie characters as I was reading along. It was a solid book, and I flew through it in a little over a week. Not bad for normal reading standards, but a little long for Coronavirus reading standards. 

Cue the Cardi... Coronavirus! 

Sorry. I really love this video, and find myself yelling, “Coronavirus! Shit is real!” far too often. 

So, for those of you who have been living under a rock your entire lives, It is the story of Pennywise, a murderous clown who preys on innocent children in Derry, Maine every twenty-seven years or so. Yes, he’s a clown, but he can also take the form of a spider, a werewolf, or whatever you’re most terrified of. “Glamour, he said, was the Gaelic name for the creature which was haunting Derry; other races and other cultures at other times had different words for it, but they all meant the same thing... The Himalayans called it a tallus or taelus, which meant an evil magic being that could read your mind, and then assume the shape of the thing you were most afraid of.” 

So, It kills little Georgie Denbrough, and his older brother Bill lives with the guilt of Georgie’s death. Bill had been at home with the flu, but had made Georgie a paper boat he could play with outside, and race through the flooding streets. Bill feels if he had been there, Georgie might still be alive, and his parents might be far less vacant and depressed. That’s some serious guilt. 

Bill and his gang of friends: Stan Uris, Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak, Beverly Marsh, Mike Hanlon, and Ben Hanscom all band together and form The Losers Club after admitting they’ve seen It in some form or another. In addition to taking out a few psychotic child bullies in a rock fight, they also mortally wound It. They have a group orgy, and a blood oath to celebrate their victory.

The kids grow up, and all go their seperate ways until twenty-seven years later when Mike calls them all to let them know It is killing again. Stanley Uris kills himself in the bathtub, but the rest of the Losers Club all travel back to Derry to see what’s up. Richie is a California-based DJ, Eddie runs a car service and married a woman just like his crazy mother, Beverly is a famous clothing designer, Ben is a world-famous architect, Bill is an acclaimed writer, and Mike is the librarian at the Derry Public Library. 

All of them have vague memories of their time in Derry, and barely remember one another. But once they get back in town, the memories and bad habits start flooding back. Eddie is back to sucking on his aspirator every few minutes (despite his asthma being psychosomatic), Richie can no longer wear contacts and is back to his dorky glasses, and Bill is back to stuttering, something he hasn’t done since childhood. Good times. 

While the Loser’s Club is assembling and eating Chinese food together, Pennywise takes it upon himself to release psycho childhood bully Henry Bowers from Juniper Hill, the mental institution he’s been in for years. Sidenote... one of the meanest counselors at Juniper Hill is Koontz. Coincidence? I’m going with no... 

Mike informs everyone It is back in action again, killing people, and they all made a promise to come back to Derry if It ever went on another murderous rampage. So, they head back into the sewers again to take It out once and for all. They succeed, Eddie dies, Beverly’s abusive asshole husband dies, Audra, Bill’s wife, is catatonic from the shock of the whole thing, and the entire town of Derry literally and metaphorically collapses in on itself. But on the bright side, It is dead, and there wasn’t another orgy. Huzzah! 

The book is chock full of Steve tropes (chambray work shirts! multiple mentions of Shawshank prison! Happy Crappy everywhere!); and also a few mentions of past and future books. Loser’s Club member Ben Hanscom is a chunky kid, and he’s made fun of for his weight. At one point, he recants a traumatic locker room scene where kids are “fat-paddling” him. Yes, it’s as cringy as it sounds. The gym teacher finally breaks it up, and Ben describes, “...what he did was grab one of my tits in each hand and squeeze. Then he took his hands away and rubbed them on his pants like he’d touched something dirty.” This was basically the male version of Carrie: locker room torture and dirty pillows. I laughed way too hard at that. But unlike Carrie White, Ben grows up to be handsome, famous, and he gets the girl without starting anyone on fire. 

Later on in the novel, Beverly is dealing with her abusive, crazy husband, Tom Rogan. After she beats the crap out of him and flees for Derry, he tries to track her down. First, he stops by her best friend’s house, and almost beats her to death before she tells him Beverly left for Derry. Tom Rogan is so evil and terrifying, I couldn’t help but wonder if his character planted a seed in Steve’s mind for Rose Madder. I saw a lot of similarities. 

There were also a few Dark Tower references. The Turtle is mentioned throughout the book, and The Turtle is also known as Maturin, one of the Guardians of the Beam in the Dark Tower universe. #allthingsservethebeam

Later on, Bill is on his way to take on It and, “He thought dimly of riding in a train and passing one going in the other direction, a train that was so long it seemed eventually to stand still or even move backward. He could still hear It, yammering and buzzing, Its voice high and angry, not human, full of mad hate...”

Could it be Blaine? Blaine is a pain! 

There was also one Wisconsin reference, Beverly takes a flight out of Milwaukee. After several books with no Wisconsin references, it was nice seeing Steve give us the love we deserve. 

Orgy aside, I really loved It (things you never think you’ll say out loud, or type for that matter). If nothing else, you have to give Steve credit for making creepy clowns a thing. At one point in the book, Steve writes, “The fears of children could often be summoned up in a single face... and if bait were needed, why, what child did not love a clown?” 

Um, no children today, thanks to your sick ass! 

Next up is Eyes of the Dragon, which I have never read before, and is slow going. But at least it’s short. 

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 16

Total Dark Tower References: 16

Book Grade: A+

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Talisman: A+

Different Seasons: A+

It: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Running Man: C+

Thinner: C+

The Long Walk: C+

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Roadwork: D

Christine: D

Stay healthy and keep social distancing, my friends!

Until next time, Long Days and Pleasant Nights,

Rebecca

Shaving Facial Hair, Especially for Newbies

Just in time for “No Shave November”, tips for new to facial hair ppl as well as those who might consider themselves veterans but want to try new things. Wet shaving only will be discussed. 

Perhaps you want a ‘clean slate’ for November? Since that’s essentially what people do. (Also I know this probably will just look like an infomercial for West Coast Shaving halfway thru but they’re who I got most of my stuff from anyways so... Listen they have good deals. Once we get to beard care it’ll swap to being most Monster for Men. I get paid absolutely nothing from either. Nothing and no one especially not me is saying you MUST buy from either. Simply that they’re easy to navigate and aren’t gonna break your bank like some other companies. And also if you’re sensitive to scents and stuff like me you get a wide range of choices when it comes to soaps and oils.)

What you need (Details to follow): 

Razor

Blades

Brush

Shave Soap (NO not just regular soap. Keep reading.)

Preshave (Not absolutely necessary but again keep reading.)

Aftershave (Also not TOTALLY necessary but your skin will thank you keep reading.)

Facial Hair Scissors

Get a nice razor that is absolutely not disposable. I use a closed comb safety razor. You can use a straight razor if you’re like... that confident in your skill if you’ve never even done regular wet shave with a disposable much less a safety razor. Which, ‘safety razor’ is kind of a misnomer because it is very not safe when you’re changing the blades but whatever. I suggest for your first one to be a Merkur. Many, many folks stand by it as a good starter, just be careful not to get one with a handle that is too chunky for your first time doing this because it can get unwieldy. You want a thinner one. Like the Merkur 33C or the 78S from West Coast Shaving. 

As for any disposable versus metal kinda deals, it really is much more cost effective to buy the handle+head then get the blades changed out at least once a week (some people say every like, 3 days if you’re consistently shaving every day but it’s really up to you and how concerned you might be about dulling. The blades are relatively resistant to it and can also stand being left on the handle for weeks if not months at a time depending on where you store it.) Bulk purchase of 100 blades (which can last months) can be as little as $10. I know not everyone has that option to spend $30+ on a razor handle+head then another few bucks on blades and that’s okay! But this guide is for wet shaving w/o consideration of disposable razors. You will get similar results, of course, but the fact of the matter is while they like to brag about having so many blades it isn’t actually that healthy for your skin. More on that in the ‘actually shaving’ part.

Also, slant is another option for safety razor head but it... it is like a grandmaster wet shaving level of razor. And yet it is also wonderful for those with sensitive skin (or otherwise hard to shave hair like many with curly hair deal with thru the sheer virtue of having curly hair even on the face). I don’t use it but I probably should with how sensitive my skin is but eh... maybe later. Anyway. Here’s a comparison of how they look:

(source: 10 Facts About Open, Closed, & Slant Razor Heads That You MUST Know Before Buy [sic])

Get a nice brush, silvertip badger hair/synthetic hair are usually what you want to get. Be aware that the real badger hair brushes can get a little... stinky for the first few times using it. Though, because of my super senses perhaps I just notice it far more than others might. But I suggest a nice synthetic on your first outing because it’s easier to understand how lathering works with the synthetic and it can be cheaper than the ‘real deal’. Don’t let the wet shaving elitists out there make you break your bank when a cheaper option works just as well. Because real badger IS more expensive no matter the handle to the brush.

Find a shave soap you like. Lots of the big suppliers have samples with generous sizing but they are not always free (a lot of the suppliers are working with smaller businesses anyways so you have to think of that). I’ve mostly gotten mine from West Coast Shaving. But there are tons of other folks out there. You may feel like supporting smaller businesses which is cool! Etsy of course has some great shops. There are also shops like Phoenix Artisan Accoutrements that feel a little more high end and for the more experienced shaver. The main thing you want to remember/realize is that shave soap is indeed quite different from hand soap (or any other soap). The secret is of course, in the lather. It has to be nice and foamy that looks almost like Cool Whip which regular handsoap just doesn’t create. Next to that, shave soap is formulated for your face and the removal of the whiskers on said face. Go on, try to use regular ol’ hand soap and see how much your facial skin and hair hates you after. (Some people like my dad use regular damn soap and then wonder why they get razor burn and ingrown hair and cuts. It’s because you used goddamn hand soap with like no lather to it.) However, it CAN go in reverse. Shave soap can be used as hand soap, just not with the same benefits. What to look for in a shave soap besides what smells good: high fat (aka tallow) content (30-50%) and glycerin are the main ones followed by things like soy, cocoa butter, coconut oil, and shea butter.

As a note, shaving cream is also an option. But not the stuff in the can you spray on. A lot of shaving cream will come in containers similar to what shave soap does. It makes creating a lather much easier, obviously, and so cuts down (haa pun) on how long your shave routine is taking.

Get a shave bowl, preferably a shatter resistant one (especially if you are just starting to learn how to balance it while in the shower or w/e or you’re just prone to dropping stuff). I use this 2-piece shave bowl that can be dropped quite often and still not even crack and it makes lathering a breeze. It is also relatively easy to hold in the shower (or by the sink whichever way you prefer). Some people manage to do the whole lather process with just one bowl and honestly I can’t figure out how. 2 bowls is the absolute minimum for me but maybe you’re a grandmaster shaver. 

Some people, especially if they aren’t going the complete bath/shower routine or have especially stubborn hair, will use pre-shave oil/gel. It’s pretty much what you’d expect from the name, you slather some on before you shave. The oil helps keep the shaving experience go smooth as silk and prevents snagging, tearing, stretching, etc., of the skin and follicles. Some people DO use only the pre shave oil, but I don’t recommend it because again, shave soap is specially formulated for shaving and has more benefits than the oil itself. 

Aftershave! It gets a bad rap. I’m sure your mental picture of using aftershave is hissing and wincing as the alcohol/witch hazel seeps in (to skin that may be slightly sensitive). Generally witch hazel actually isn’t supposed to sting like alcohol but it can definitely go on cold regardless of how warm the bathroom you have it in is. Aftershave can come in a spray, as well as a gel in addition to the common mental image of putting a few drops in your palm, rubbing briskly then patting onto your face (with y’know... hissing and wincing in pain and making funny faces). Non-Alcohol aftershaves are most commonly called ‘aftershave balm’. Keep reading for why the common image of aftershave application shouldn’t be a common sight in YOUR bathroom mirror. 

Okay so we all have our ‘ingredients’ for a great shave, right? Good. Preferably shaving should be done fresh after a bath/shower, when your hair has been softened by the hot water and your skin has been cleaned by the appropriate products (face wash and beard wash/conditioner is my preference but I guess regular soap is fine). As mentioned, not everyone has the time or desire to take a full on shower before getting to shaving. That’s cool! That’s why we have our buddy the pre-shave gel/oil. It IS suggested that you at least wash your face first if only so in case you do make a micro-cut in your skin any kind of ick on your face won’t seep into the wound. Anyways, step pre-1 out of the way. You can also choose to forgo the preshave stuff entirely if you want. It’ll just make your face happier if you give it this little shield. 

While you have been showering/bathing you should have been soaking your shave brush. You can put it in a cup if you want but if you got the two-bowl setup mentioned earlier one of the bowls is meant for softening your brush while the other holds the soap. Dump out the water you have been using in that second bowl because that’s where you’re going to lather that soap after you have ‘loaded’ it from the other bowl. Loading is just the act of rubbing the soap briskly with the brush until you start getting the beginnings of a lather going then you swap to the other bowl. You need a good ratio of water to soap, otherwise the lather will be too watery to build on your face which is no bueno. Remember: Cool Whip. It must be creamy, thick, and not drip off the brush when you hold it up. You may need to gently squeeze the brush to get excess water out, you want the brush soft and pliable not damp. If you can flick that sucker and splatter water on the wall (or... mirror I guess?? why are you doing that you look silly aim at the sink/shower drain!) there’s too much damn water in the brush. 

Time to slather it on your face! Some people say to do it in circles but honestly I’ve never been able to do that and it’s more often for those who forgo the bowls/scuttles entirely and ‘work on the lather on the face’. Broad, slow strokes back and forth works and feels a lot better (and can be rather soothing). Now’s as good a time as any to say that while media does show the whole shaving entire full beards off, it is a lot better if you trim that sucker down some. Your razor is not a pair of clippers. and this is related to the overall idea of using this kind of razor: less hair, not all of the hair. Don’t try to keep taking pass over pass on the same strip of skin. You’re just going to give yourself razor burn, micro-tears, all sorts of bad stuff. Until you get your technique down you may have to live with there being one little patch not quite as smoothed down. 

Go with the grain, not against. Some people say it’s better to go against because of how the hair is not going to naturally lie against the skin, but it can cause irritation to shave against. Follow the line of your jaw on the first pass, then start to go from cheek down to jaw. Be sure to add more soap for each pass. Although, you can do lines from cheek to jaw first, it just depends on you and what feels best. There are no hard and fast rules on this.  

As for holding your razor, with safety razors especially you basically want to let it do all the work. Let it slide down under its own weight, as it were. Keep an easy grip on it, preferably like you might hold a pencil. Then just let it glide on down and around. Too much pressure can increase the chance of microtears and cuts, which leads to wincing and hissing in the mirror when you put on your aftershave (especially the alcohol based ones), along with the classic razor burn of irritated skin.

Now, when I mentioned trimming down your beard before actually shaving you can use clippers if you want or it’s easiest for you, but you can also use facial hair scissors. The scissors can be used for ‘pruning’ your facial hair (such as snipping down an especially longer than its neighbors hair), and the clippers can be used for styling it (such as getting a neat rounded look of your facial hair). In general it’s a good idea to ‘prune’ your facial hair while it’s growing in. If only so it’s even easier to manage to later on. This helps to make it less unruly and you don’t look like a cave dweller. 

In the end, your routine does not need to be set in stone. Nor do you have to always buy the same products. Feel free to experiment not only with scents but with actual products along with the combinations (shaving soap+pre shave oil or just the soap). But hopefully this gives you a jumping off point for learning how your shaving routine should work. 

Hey there! This is going to be silly, but I’m sure a lot of reconstructionsists have dealt with it: if sickness incurs miasma, how can I thank the Gods if I have a cold? I feel always obligated to worship and give thanks through ritual, especially for Aphrodite, but Im not sure that it would be polite if I approached Her while with cold, even if I did Katharmos and khernips beforehand? In what ways can I respectfully thank the Gods if I can’t worship until I feel well? Thanks :D

I’m going to start by linking you to three posts with my thoughts and research on miasma, lyma and the difference between them: x, x, x. I personally understand what you’re describing here as lyma, or “everyday” spiritual dirt, so I’ll answer from that perspective.

Lyma has spiritual ramifications, but its basis is physical. You’re unclean, whether because you were out gardening, walked through a polluted city, or have a runny nose. As a result, you’re unfit to present yourself before the Gods without purification. This means the usual purification gestures (I wash my hands and face in fresh water) but also, specifically, getting rid of the dirt on you, which is what caused the pollution in the first place. Once you’re physically clean, you’re spiritually clean (in most cases) and therefore ready to worship.

In the case of a cold, I’d recommend washing your body (especially if you get sweaty), blowing your nose, and making sure you don’t cough or sneeze near your altar. So long as the ick stays inside you, just like the rest of your human bodily fluids, I’d say you should be fine.

I don’t believe that the simple state of being sick incurs pollution, but the exception is when that sickness is strong enough that you can’t concentrate on your worship. If your mind is addled, it might be a good idea to step away from your altar for a while. You can also speak more informal prayers, which the Gods seem to listen to no matter how spiritually icky you are at the time - think of all the prayers spoken on the battlefield of Troy, by men covered in blood and gore who wouldn’t have been let anywhere near an altar, but whose words were still answered.

Lastly, keep in mind the preferences of each deity. I’ve found Apollon and Asklepios, as Lords of Healing, to be a lot more tolerant of our ickiness than most. On the other hand, I wouldn’t dream of approaching my altar to the Sungoddess without being healthy and fully purified. (She’s not Hellenic either, so expectations of cleanliness are a bit different.) Always check with the deity you want to worship before approaching them in a somewhat unclean state. If your gut feeling says you should stay away for the time being, it’s probably right.

December 🌲 2022 Monthly - Pisces

Whole of your energy: 8 Swords

You want to talk to someone, but you don’t. You want to heal a connection with someone you’ve fallen out with, but you don’t. This person shows up as Queen of Pentacles in reverse, could be Capricorn. The whole reading is you being unsure how to approach this person, or if they’d even be receptive to you if you were to make the effort. Your energy on its own is very calm, happy, and you’ve released whatever fkery went on between you, and whatever emotions were involved. Pisces is more able to dance around the differences in others and chameleon themselves to fit however is needed to just get along. Some may see that as fake or wearing masks, but you just know you have several layers of self that different personalities bring out. Though sometimes you give in too often and don’t honor your whole self enough. Others are not so gifted and you could be dealing with someone that’s generally stubborn and difficult to get through to. This could also be someone that you don’t understand their motives. Do they just want money? Do they just want sex? What do they want from you? You can’t chameleon yourself to their needs not knowing what they are. Not sure how healthy that is…but that’s Pisces’ energy. You’re not offering any of those things, and they’re not speaking up so…it’s crickets in here 🦗

What’s going on in December:

2 Wands:

Your plan moving forward is to heal the connection with this person, and have a new start, hopefully one that could lead to 10 Cups, because you clearly love them, miss them, and don’t want to continue on in whatever ick energy is between you. If this person is the one coming around, you are probably questioning their intentions, whether they actually care about you or if they just want something. This Queen’s energy can be very materialistic and self-interested when reversed. This could also be someone popping in for a good time not a long time. Your feelings for them are loving and genuine, their feelings for themselves are wanting money & gifts…and…anyone can fill that role for them.

10 Cups:

You’re happy to give them whatever they want, whatever you’ve got. They’re getting exactly what they came for from you. 10 Cups shows this person makes you very happy, and again shows how much you care about & value this person. You want them in your life, you love them. Doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic, that’s possible it’s here, but it could be anyone. You could be blind to this person’s intentions, which was already mentioned and keeps being mentioned. It’s a shame.

The Magician:

You have all of the tools to create the relationship you desire, and have every intention of doing so…except with this person. You’re not getting much from them. They don’t act excited to be around you, they don’t talk to you, they don’t act like they even care. You feel left out and dissatisfied, like it doesn’t even matter if you’re around or not. This person is into themselves and their own issues, what they can get from others. So you don’t actively even try. They don’t, so you don’t. You do wait around on them to figure it out…I don’t think they’re going to, nor is it you that’s going to end up teaching them the lesson they need. It’s probably more of a lesson for you.

3 Wands:

You wait around on them. They’ll figure it out right? They’ll miss you right? They’ll want to talk to you eventually right? There’s no communication between you right now, and I don’t see that changing. You want to rush in with all sorts of truth bombs and wtfs, but you stay quiet and just mull over these things yourself. You’re recognizing how they are, possibly how you’ve been used, which Spirit is justifying for you, you’re right.

6 Pentacles:

This may be a last ditch effort to get this person into your life, giving them what they want, probably a literal gift or some money. The response you’re getting is lackluster, they don’t seem to really care, they don’t seem to want to talk, and you’re fed up with their bs. Hermit 💯 This can be you blaming yourself, asking yourself what you did to deserve this kind of crap from someone. It could be a relationship that triggers a dark night of the soul for you, which is very difficult and also necessary. Once you come out of this, you’ll have a clearer understanding of where you gave too much, what this person was really after, what you will and won’t allow in the future. But no, it doesn’t look like you did anything wrong, this person took advantage of you. Probably not just you either, they may have a whole side hustle of screwing people over.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Gemini, Aries, Capricorn, Virgo, Cancer & Pisces

Oracles: ✨

32 Struggle 🥴

Struggle is a part of life - so much so that you probably know people who seem to constantly attract one struggle after another into their lives. This is their comfort zone. While struggle is natural, it is natural only so far as it lends itself to learning lessons and overcoming inner personal challenges. Beneath every one of these struggles is the gift of enlightenment. The satisfaction of a lesson learned. Use this knowledge as the light at the end of your dark tunnel. What lesson is this struggle teaching you? Alternately, after a brief setback, this situation will start to right itself.

We enter into December as:

Black and White 🖤🤍:

“Together we are stronger than alone.”

If Black & White calls you, then it represents a time of creating union out of that which seemingly should not work. It is changing old ways of thinking. Are you bold enough to take a risk? Do you dare have the life the way you desire? Are you willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to have that desire? You may not be able to predict the outcome, but you can change it. State your opinion & step forward, the time is now. This could also indicate a brave undertaking of yours, the joining of two powerful forces for a higher good. A new trail lies ahead! Choose love 🤍

What is to be learned in December:

Cherry Heart 🍒

“When you accept yourself, you find love.”

Cherry Heart reminds us that we may not be accurately assessing ourselves. If you are drawn to Cherry, consider that perhaps you are being given signs to see, hear or feel a truth, but have yet to accept it. It is also a reminder that you may be distorting your reality in a self-defeating way. Short-changing ourselves is how we hold ourselves back. Cherry Heart is at the core an issue of self-acceptance and seeing miracles in everyday life. Cherry wishes to tell you that prosperity happens with acceptance. She invited you to see yourself as complete just as you are.

Red may be a lucky color ❤️