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tunaababee · 28 days

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gonna get really sappy and DEEPLY tmi/personal about twenty one pilots on main so im gonna put it under a cut. i am cringe but i am free and clancy tour coming up is giving me Feelings

i've been a top fan since 2016. i initially had some resistance to them bc it was when Stressed Out was at its peak and like, yall know how oversaturation goes. even if its good, its fucking annoying by proxy. all the 12/13 year olds at my high school were into it. i was turning 17. and it was a really fucking rough year.

i've been deep into homestuck since i was about 14/15, but by age 16 i had branched out into text-based rp and met a guy from italy who i kind of had a situationship with i guess?? at the time?? idk if that's what the kids call it. (whenever i describe how many relationships ive had, i count this one as a 0.5) anyways. it eventually got to a point where he was emotionally abusing me for a period of about four months. it was brief, but intense, especially since im a fucking lovesick lonely teen at this point who doesnt know any better. he lovebombs me, talks to me and acts like i am his girlfriend, gets jealous and shitty if i talk about other people, but then the moment he goes and does the same shit i get told i'm the reason he was depressed, im the reason for his problems, etc. until he calmed down and placated me and won me over again. over and over, regularly, for four months. it was a lot for my little developing brain to handle.

i know people have had it longer, have had it worse, but it really left a lasting impact. i was left with a litany of abandonment issues, and self-esteem and image that was already bad was buried dead in the fucking ground. i wanted to die every single fucking day for those four months. he even told me, as i began to question my sexuality properly, that i couldnt be bi 'because i liked him'.

but he LOVED twenty one pilots. would quote their shit regularly. wore the merch. all that stuff.

by 2016 i'd managed to see clearly enough and have enough support from friends that i felt comfortable cutting him and his circle off permanently. and it was fucking hard. i didn't have a lot of irl friends at the time and it felt like my only support network. after i finally left, i was desperate to feel some semblance of control, take something back, my own personal little 'fuck you' i could carry in my heart.

with all the hype around them, i gave top a try. slowly eased my way in. i knew i was hooked when i heard Holding On To You for the first time. it made me feel like i could take back that control and find a light at the end of the tunnel.

i consumed everything they had put out after that. i saw them live at emotional roadshow sydney 2017, i was turning 18. i made so many new friends. i felt such hope in my heart. i sobbed so fucking hard when they played HOTY. they weren't the only reason i made it through, itd be naive to contribute everything to them when i've done a lot of work and so have the people around me, but they were like a lifeline to hold on to when things were hard.

i went and saw them again in 2018 for the bandito tour. i made my own outfit and was surrounded by people who had done the same. i made more friends, had more adventures. i was dropping out of high school the year that Trench released due to having the worst mental health i'd had probably since my abuse and felt so lost but it helped me feel a little more stable and grounded. like that light was still there.

a lot has happened since. i'll be 25 when i go see them in November, once again at Qudos Bank Arena in sydney. i'm in a happy relationship with someone i love who respects me. i'm doing things that make me happy. i'm happy. i've felt and experienced and lived and loved and lost and done so so so much since i was a scared 16 year old hearing them for the first time. i've gotten piercings and tattoos, something i never thought i'd do, and put their work permanently on my body. i'm so proud every time i see my tattoo on my arm. i genuinely love and accept myself exactly as i am, which is something i NEVER thought i'd do.

having Clancy come out nine years to the day from blurryface, an album that has been so deeply important to me in a lot of ways, gets me real misty. this entire tour gets me so misty. i didn't think i'd live past 18 at BEST. but i'm here and i'm fucking happy.

genuinely cannot emphasise how much this album and this tour means to me. i plan on getting a Clancy tattoo once the album comes out and i've had some time to sit with it. it feels very full circle, i guess. hearing Next Semester has just had me thinking about this constantly and all weepy all the time haha. but a good weepy.

i cannot fucking wait to scream in a stadium full of people again in a way that heals my heart.

#twenty one pilots #tw suicide mention #tw abuse mention #i wasnt kidding when i said i get real fucking tmi in here #my household already has to deal with me rambling about them all the time lol so tumblr gets the deep and meaningful

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shimmershae · 3 years

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So. I have some more thoughts. Shocking? Yeah, I know, lol.

Let’s see if I can figure out how to purge what’s inside of my overactive brain and have it make some semblance of sense, shall we?

Hmm.

Where to start, where to start?

Okay. So I think it’s safe to say that the flashbacks pretty quickly establish that Daryl has essentially been set adrift. He’s been cast back, in some ways by his own choosing, into a solitary searching life that speaks to his past. He has no anchor anymore, no touching stone--whether that be Rick, who’s presumed dead, or Carol, who’s chosen by default to leave him behind and try to make a new family in Ezekiel and Henry.

That’s important. Because until this season? Until he really matured and assumed, grudgingly or otherwise, the mantle of leadership of the communities?

Daryl was a follower. He took his cues from other stronger personalities. Other people more quick to voice and own their opinions, right or wrong. Like Rick. And Merle before him.

That’s not to say Daryl hasn’t had anything of value to say or add to the communities or to his relationships. He has and he did. Remember back at the Prison how Carol told him he was going to have to live with the love? Daryl was just beginning to find his voice, so to speak. He was emerging, even if they were only baby steps at first, from other seemingly more formidable shadows, and learning even then how to be more of a leader that people looked up to even if he was still content to be a follower.

Being a follower was what he was comfortable with and I’m making some assumptions here, but I’d wager that in his abusive past with his old man, in that household first with Merle then on his own, being a follower and sticking to the safety of the periphery is probably what kept him alive. Being a follower minimized conflict then, I’m sure. Being a follower when he met up with and eventually connected with Rick and the rest of Team Family was probably the safest way for him to make emotional connections.

I’m rambling. I know it and I’m sorry. It’s what I do. Ramble, lol.

Here. I’m going to place the rest of this underneath a cut because I got more winding words than I have wind and most of ya’ll have patience.

With Rick gone, with Carol off trying her damndest to live a fairy tale, Daryl floundered. For all intents and purposes, he was left without any direction, nobody to take his cues from emotionally or otherwise.

I mean, he literally made ever-widening circles searching for Rick, didn’t he? Circles have no end point. They have no real destination. Not really. Daryl essentially lived in a spin cycle of pain and regret and inability to really and truly connect with anybody during those years spent searching for Rick--especially since the person he arguably felt closest to and most comfortable with, Carol, basically decided those past connections Daryl was so desperate to find again were too painful for her and attempted to move on.

He wasn’t emotionally equipped to or stable enough (perhaps still internally dealing with his anger and angst over his torture and imprisonment by Negan at that point in time) to put in the hard work to reestablish those fraying bonds on his own and the man basically lost the plot. His world narrowed down to this latest search. This search for a body. For closure. For a new purpose perhaps?

And you know, the man had to be tired. In some way or another? He’s probably been searching his entire life. It’s kind of what followers do. They look for meaning outside themselves because they don’t feel like they’re enough.

So then Dog, in the form of this happy, accepting, affectionate puppy appears out of nowhere. He’s a welcome distraction and knowing Daryl’s propensity to try to reunite the lost with those they love, he started a new little search.

That led him to Leah.

Leah, who was alone. Like him. Leah, who knew how to survive. Like him. Leah, who was stuck in a place of grief. Like him.

Leah, who--and I don’t really feel like I’m going out on too far or precarious limb here considering how many parallels they literally slapped us in the face with during this episode--reminded him of someone he felt he couldn’t have, not even her friendship anymore because by her choosing to ‘be there’ for Ezekiel and Henry and the Kingdom she was always leaving Daryl behind and that’s a pattern we’ve all long suspected has really caused hurt for Daryl even if he’s long ‘accepted’ and dealt with it with stoicism.

Boy, they really blew the lid off that issue didn’t they? Oh, it was done rather quietly and in a surprisingly controlled manner, but the hurt it caused? The tears and emotion it elicited was brought about with an almost surgical precision that stunned Carol, but I digress.

My point is? Daryl? Innate follower that he is? Daryl had grown accustomed to the human connection he found with Team Family. He was never 100% comfortable with it but he missed it. He craved it. And Rick? Well, deep down Daryl knew the likelihood of finding his ‘brother’ was minimal. And with Carol pulling away and putting more and more distance between them--how deep and wide was that river, ya’ll, before the episode was done? when it started off looking like a small trickle of a stream? how wide was that chasm these two idiots in painfully unspoken love allowed to be formed between them?--essentially the two closest people to him were lost to him, leaving him lost.

So he stumbles upon this woman who is very reminiscent of people that he’s known. He’s figured out, even though he keeps trying to buck the trend, that you really can’t make it alone in the world anymore. And when she shows him some small measure of trust by letting him go? That part of him that didn’t want to be alone kept drifting back into her sphere.

Now I’m not going to go so far as saying Daryl fell in love with this Leah. Because, shipping biases aside? I really don’t feel like he did.

Daryl found solace with Leah.

Companionship.

Remember another time when Daryl was lost? When he felt he had failed another member of his family? Lost what he thought was the last of his family? How alone he was at a crossroads when Joe’s group of Claimers came along?

I’m not equating Leah with the Claimers in any other way except saying Daryl was in a similar headspace when he met her, okay? Before anybody goes off on me. I’m just saying that Leah? She represented what Daryl felt was his one chance NOT TO BE ALONE.

Daryl’s emotionally stunted, ya’ll. He’s made great strides, but trauma always seems to regress him. Thankfully, it seems to regress him less and less as he really and truly matures, but it still has a habit of reverting him back to the Daryl we first met. The Daryl we can easily see growing up in Merle’s shadow.

When he threw that damn fish at her door, I literally laughed for ten straight minutes because that was funny as hell. But honestly? The more I thought about it, the more it dwelled in my mind? The sadder it actually made me because here’s a grown man essentially trying to connect with another human being on an adolescent level.

So much of what we were shown in this episode really just reinforced what I’d already suspected to be true--Daryl Dixon just doesn’t ‘get’ the basics of interpersonal relationships. At least those that could be perceived as romantic. For all that Carol mused it was like he had become a man back in Atlanta, during Consumed and their search for Beth? That man is still very much trying to fumble his way out of the starting gate so far as pursuing a woman in any form or fashion.

This is just my opinion and we all know what they say about those, lol, but Daryl has longed for an even deeper connection with Carol since the Prison. Maybe even before that. I think at the Farm his eyes were opened to her and he started trying to be a better person to match what he perceived as her goodness. Before he even knew she wanted one, he was trying to be a man of honor. Then stuff and thangs happened and shit, like Daryl once told Abe, just never settled. Carol drifted out of Daryl’s reach because he wasn’t equipped with the emotional tools to really go after what he wanted--her in a deeper, different capacity than he’d ever wanted or asked for before--and shit, ya’ll. If loneliness is a choice then Daryl Dixon was sick and damn tired of it.

Do I think there’s even really a choice between Leah and Carol in Daryl’s mind though? A true choice were he to absolutely, 100% realize and know that Carol’s heart was earmarked for him from the very beginning and that she’s suffering from the same delusions that she’s not good enough or deserving of him?

Absolutely not.

Leah knew that even if Daryl never divulged any specifics about Carol. She knew the answer to her ultimatum before she even made it.

And that ultimatum, ya’ll.

Maybe it’s weird, but it put me in mind of when Merle pressed Daryl to make a choice between him and Team Family.

Merle was blood family but like Carol and others said, he wasn’t good for Daryl.

Leah might have offered Daryl some solace from his loneliness but ultimately staying isolated with her and not reconnecting with those he identifies as family is just as damaging as Daryl choosing to follow in Merle’s wake again. Similarly to that situation, Daryl was clearly torn as soon as the words were out of her mouth.

Between loyalty to family and unspoken love.

In case there’s any confusion here, the unspoken love I’m talking about is his love for Carol. He felt something for her back at that Prison. Fight me. He knew she’d be hurt by him going back with Merle, but obligation and family loyalty led him to make the decision all the same.

Still. He knew she’d understand. And she did, even if his choice hurt her.

My thought is that this time? At least initially? Daryl didn’t completely separate his loyalty to family (searching for Rick) and his unspoken love (for Carol) when he made his decision. They’re hopelessly entwined because Carol is a little bit of everything to Daryl--friend, family, the woman he loves and has been halfway in love with for so many years. Initially, he chose the hope that both would come back to him if he just kept searching. Because searching’s what he does. From Sophia to Connie, he’s always searched in the hope of bringing the lost back to those that love them. He’s always searched because nobody searched for him.

Daryl is the ultimate lost boy who grew to be a man and still feels like he hasn’t been found.

But how can he be found if the one person he wants to find him keeps running away?

Daryl didn’t choose Leah.

Not from his heart.

Daryl turned back to Leah because he felt Carol slipping away to where he couldn’t follow her.

If it can even be argued that Daryl chose Leah, it was by default. Of course, he feels guilty. Daryl wouldn’t be Daryl without guilt. He wouldn’t be Carol’s man of honor.

And he is Carol’s man.

She may not be in the place to see it--YET--but she’s getting there. She’s fighting hard against her natural inclination to run. She’s trying. She knows what she wants, even if she doesn’t believe she has the hope of getting it.

Daryl knows what he wants, too. He knows, once and for all, where he belongs. He’s stopped searching. He knows she’s right there. There’s no more circles. There’s just a final destination if he can convince the love of his fucking life to stop running from what they both want.

He may have left that note for Leah, but you can’t convince this viewer that he didn’t write those words for Carol.

And that’s all I got to say about that.

For now anyway.

Omigosh, lovelies.

So sorry for the emotional word vomit but thank you so much for indulging me even if I did lose my original point somewhere up there, lol.

#The Walking Dead #Season 10C spoilers #Caryl #Carol x Daryl #Carol Peletier #Daryl Dixon #Melissa McBride #Norman Reedus #gorgeous people #my precious babies in love #things that make me smile and cry #for reasons #my heart

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theemptyskies · 3 years

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Real talk.

Note that this is all my own opinion.

In an Azula Redemption fic, in my opinion, she would not have to apologize for anything she did during the war to anyone. Not Aang for shooting him with lightning. Not Mai or Ty lee for imprisoning them. Not the Gaang for chasing them. The only one I might concede is targeting Katara during an Agni Kai.

What she probably should do, is apologize for the way she treated Mai, Ty lee and Zuko when they were children. If it takes place post smoke and shadow then she should apologize for what happened then as well.

She does not owe Ursa anything. While Ursa did love her, she very much neglected Azula which left her feeling that something was wrong with her. She has every right to never let Ursa in her life again. There is no argument that can be made against it. Azula's feelings are valid. She was neglected by her mother. Ursa's personal feelings don't matter. She may have loved her but I don't recall any instance where she actually told Azula that, or spent time with her, or showed even close to the same level of affection. Ursa did kiss her on the cheek the night she left, however I will point out that she woke up Zuko and made sure the last thing she said to him was basically I love you while she left Azula unconscious, unaware of the action. We never even see a scene where Ursa says "I love you" to her.

It's what makes the hallucinations so tragic at the end of season three. Those scenes can be read in a multitude of different ways. My reading of them, examining Ursa's relationship with Azula, noting that every interaction they had was shown to be confrontational, referencing "The Beach" where she did show that Ursa's relationship and abandonment did hurt her deeply, implying that she did want her affection, is this.

Ursa's neglect of Azula throughout her childhood caused Azula to develop feelings of inadequacy. This feeling pushed her to try as hard as possible to earn Ozai's affection, where she succeeded until he left her behind before the final attack in the Earth Kingdom. Coupled with Mai and Ty Lee's betrayal, this caused her feelings of inadequacy to resurface stronger than before. Everyone left her behind. Her mind conjured the image of Ursa, the origin of her feeling, saying "I love you Azula, I really do.", things we never saw her say.

I read these scenes as the hallucination saying things Azula always craved to hear. Affections that were always withheld from her, hammering away at her already fragile psyche. Reminding her repeatedly that she was never good enough for either of her parents.

So no. I don't think Azula ever needs to forgive Ursa or give her a chance and there isn't an argument that could be made to convince me. At most, I think Azula should confront her as the core of a majority of her trauma, similar to how Katara did with Yon Rah.

For me, an Azula redemption is about her coming to terms with her trauma. It's about her finding her place in a post war world. Her rebuilding her relationship with Zuko, the only family she was ever truly close with. It's about her seeing through the lies and manipulations implanted by Ozai from a young age. It's about her gaining a good, healthy support system that won't give up in her.

It's about her, in the end, finally finding peace, whatever that happens to mean for her in your particular fic. If it involves romance, that's great. A lot of people who make "shipping tier lists" rank almost every ship with Azula at the bottom, often saying things like "nobody deserves to deal with a relationship with Azula" which, as someone who grew up in an abusive household who also relates a lot to Azula, I gotta say it kind of hurts hearing people say those things. Everyone deserves love.

If your fic doesn't include romance and focuses on her familial relationships then that's also great. She definitely has a lot on her plate and building that healthy support system is an amazing route to take your fic, leading to a great heartfelt ending.

Please note, Azula's misdeeds should not be overlooked. Anyone you want to have her connect with, she will have to earn it. But I feel like it's important to understand why some people behave the way that they do. Not excuse thier actions, but to help map out how they can make up for them. That's why we were shown Zuko's tragic past while also seeing him burn down a village and threaten defenseless elderly people.

With the way she's portrayed, it easy to forget this powerful, intimidating character, is just a child. She's just 14 years old. It's something I think a lot of people who write off her character as irredeemable don't account for. Whenever I dig past her surface level "bad guy" traits with this in mind, admittedly, I'm often brought to tears. She's very much a product of her environment. It's because of that, that I think she can learn to be a better person.

To recap, an Azula redemption in no way shape or form NEEDS to include Azula trying to make the Gaang like her. It was war and every one of her actions during it have no bearing on her, from her perspective. If you want her to connect with them then you can, just don't be someone who talks bad about a redemption fic because she doesn't. 🙂

She did treat Zuko, Mai, and Ty lee very poorly as a friend and sibling. So she does owe them an apology and they are also under no obligation to give her another chance.

Ursa does not need to be forgiven, nor should it be portrayed that Ursa did nothing wrong. Azula's feelings are valid.

The core of a redemption fic (for me) is character growth, in this case for Azula.

Romance is ok in an Azula redemption fic. I personally enjoy Azutara fics where she helps Azula through her mental health recovery and trauma. Citadel is an interesting fic that takes place several years into Azula's stay in a mental institution. Here's a link if you wanna check it out. Keep in mind, it's nine years old so comic events aren't a thing 🙂 https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6939866/1/5

Not having romance is equally ok. There are a multitude of great fics both post canon and AU that follow this route. Here is a fic recommendations for it. This one is an AU taking place during the war.

Her actions should not be excused because her story is a tragedy. She still did bad things.

Hopefully you all enjoyed my little ramble that I also hope is understandable. I tend to go off on tangents a lot. Considering it's 6:30 am where I'm at and I still haven't slept, this probably has horrible grammar and is likely riddled with typos. So I'm sorry about that bit lol 😅

#princess azula #azula deserves a happy ending #azula redemption #azula #this feels a bit ranty

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xellandria · 4 years

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tw: death

My father died sometime last night. My mom woke me up at around 4:20 (blaze it?), after she found him, ran around in a panic for a bit (her words), and called 911. I’d only gone to sleep a couple hours earlier, and neither of us had checked on him until then (he went to bed much earlier than the two of us ever do) so it’s hard to say when it would have happened; we might learn more later, or we might not. I’m not actually sure how much more information we’ll get—or want, really—when whatever examination happens happens, or if there will be an examination/autopsy/whatever. All I know about that kind of thing comes from media, and it’s always convenient for media to have an autopsy.

About nine months ago, he was out on a hike and slid down some scree and hurt his back in some way. Prior to the whole pandemic, he’d been going through all sorts of various treatments and tests to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it, but he’d been in pain for a while. Supposedly it was at least getting a little better with time—mom says he hadn’t taken his pain meds for the last fifteen days or so—but it was definitely there, and he hadn’t been exercising much (if at all) as a result, and gained a lot of weight from the inactivity.

About a week ago, he started coughing and having trouble breathing, and apparently was having issues sleeping as well. He called his doctor about it yesterday, and they had him go get tested for Covid. The results for that won’t be back til Mondayish, but it’s sort of a moot point now, I suppose. Well, partly moot—if he tested positive, mom and I definitely have to be a lot more nitpicky about our own health. We’ve not been going out except as absolutely necessary, but I can’t help thinking that we did go to Walmart and Costco on the 16th and while he was wearing a mask of some sort on that trip, his mask procedure was not the best and that was about a week ago. That’d be a little fast for Covid symptoms I think, but maybe?

I don’t know. I wasn’t hearing much about it (we’ve been on different tracks for the past week so I haven’t seen much of him) but when we were talking to various relatives about an hour ago, mom seemed to imply that it was a lot of trouble breathing—which makes me ask why he didn’t do something about it if it was really that bad, but that’s not something I can or should ask at this point; I can’t ask him and giving her more to agonize about or regret is absolutely pointless (I still beat myself up on bad days for not being sterner about getting Emmett to a vet when I knew he wasn’t fully right, and he died like five or six years ago at this point; I absolutely do not want to inflict that kind of thing on my mother about her husband, for god’s sake, and I didn’t push harder for my own health and safety when I was having heart issues last year until I finally caved and went to the ER; I could have made that trip a lot sooner too instead of fucking around with my doctor half-ignoring me and limply running tests for six months).

Because it’s just me and mom out here on this coast, we’re probably not going to have a funeral. Things would probably be different if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic (his sisters might want something, I don’t think we thought to ask), but they can’t come out here and we can’t go over there and neither of us really want to deal with it. She knew his preferences (at least for disposal—he wanted to be cremated) so we’ve got that under control, at least.

I’m sure it’s partly shock, but I definitely feel guilty as hell that I’m glad that the pandemic is giving us a good excuse to not have a funeral. Maybe he would have wanted one? I don’t know. I know my own preferences (only if my survivors need it for themselves; I don’t believe in ghosts or anything like that, but the idea of death and corpses and such spooks me something awful and funerals and burials and such are obviously the worst for that) and mom was the one who said no when I asked her if she wanted one (though maybe I should ask again when we’re both less shocky). If the dead do exist beyond death in some capacity, I hope he understands that it’s not that we don’t love him... but that’s a lot of money and time and mental energy for a lot of pomp and circumstance that doesn’t make... well, I was going to say “doesn’t make anybody feel better” but someone must get comfort from that kind of thing, even if I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone who has.

There’s a lot of unknowns right now. Dad was the one who handled all the household finances and I know he never went over it all with me, and I got the impression that he and mom never got around to it either (though we both mentioned that it was something we’d been thinking about, it’s obviously too late now). Mom’s worried about the taxes, and what bills are on auto-pay and all that, and it’s going to be a nightmare to go through his computer and phone and make sure all that stuff is handled... but that’s not today’s worry. I mean, I almost wish it was—it’d give me something to do now that we’re done talking to the EMTs and the police and the people from the funeral home and calling the relatives (and before I work up the nerve to call his old work friend, who is the only other person I can think of that deserves to know), but it’s also not something to walk into with two hours of sleep and a broad-but-vague understanding of how to access the data, but not what to do with it.

I haven’t cried yet, and I feel guilty about that too (though again, I’m putting it down to shock). Cat death/injury is so triggering to me that I burst into tears nearly at the mention/thought of it, but my own father is gone and I’m just sitting at my computer, typing out a lengthy essay about how I want to consider myself a piece of shit for it, but I know it’s all part of the process, etc. etc. I remember when my parents woke me up to tell me my maternal grandmother had died, I definitely cried then (and was angry) so I know it’s possible for me to feel things, or was at one point. I’m sure the depression isn’t helping (and the fact that I think my med dosage may not be good enough anymore).

I’m sort of glad for the pandemic too, for the social distancing and masks that all the strangers that came to our home at 4-6am were wearing because I haven’t taken a shower in a couple days and I am disgusting and unshaved, but hopefully they didn’t notice. At least they didn’t comment on it in my hearing, so I can maybe hopefully pretend.

Anyway. I’m currently distracting myself by writing this out, but there’s not much more I want to say at this point. I’ve posted out of my guild’s raids indefinitely for the moment (it was the first thing I did after I got out of bed while we were waiting for the EMT, and the second was tweet about it; my priorities are so fucked, y’all). I don’t really know whether I’ll be able to stay on top of D&D—it’s only once a week, it’s a much smaller group of people who are much less likely to make some sort of unthinking or triggering remark (frankly, the idea of listening to my guild leader and some of the non-raiders talk about their jobs as doctors/upcoming medical practitioners is absolutely not what I need in my life right now, and I can’t tell 19+ other people to watch every word that comes out of their mouths or from their fingers above and beyond the guild rules because it might make the baby cry (or tilt her off the face of the earth)... but I can probably get away with asking only four other people to do that) and it’s not like we’re doing much where there might be schedule conflicts. I’m gonna have to tell them for sure (well, Naha knows cos he follows me on twitter, and Kattii might cos she also follows me but I’m not sure if she keeps up with her timeline, but I don’t think the others do). I should definitely not isolate myself entirely—I don’t know a lot right now, but I know that’s a real bad idea no matter how depressed I was before this happened—so I may keep the D&D up.

I’m not sure if I should go to the Sunday Jaina runs or not, since I won’t really be part of the prog team and shouldn’t take mounts out of the mouths of people who will actually be around. I already felt kinda guilty about going to last week’s when I’d posted out of raid for mental health reasons (and had missed the week before’s entirely for same). I dunno. I’ve got a day and change to think about that one, and what I want to do with myself.

Oh, and M+ is a thing too isn’t it, fuck me. I dunno. If I do Jaina and I do D&D, I should probably at least do the M+ too; it’s only one or two runs a week even if it has been stressful because we’ve been scrambling for a filler every week for a few months now (Intol’s been wrapped up in the whole pandemic thing on his side of life, and none of us have had the time or energy to find a consistent/reliable filler until he’s ready to come back). At least I have a good excuse to not be the one scrambling for that weekly filler anymore, eh? lol :T That’s also a small group size so that should be all right. Jaina will be touchy for the larger group size reason too actually, now that I think about it (although I can probably get away with not being on discord for most of the run).

I dunno. I’m rambling now, and now I’m also rambling at Naha in DMs so maybe I should stop rambling in at least one location.

#xellafail #tw: death #just in case you needed a second trigger warning #god today's a day and it's only been five hours #actually five hours is a lot more than I thought it was gonna be #so there's that I guess lol

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makeste · 5 years

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BnHA Chapter 165: The Baby-Sitters Club

Previously on BnHA: The kids began their supplementary lesson for the day. Tired Mera (upgraded to his final form from just plain old Mera) introduced Camie from Shiketsu and said she would be joining the lessons moving forward. Gang Orca showed up and flung Bakugou, Todoroki, and Yoarashi around some just for the hell of it before announcing that the three of them plus Camie would have a special assignment for the day. Cue the arrival of about 25 screaming children. They immediately set upon the lot of them and stole Bakugou’s grenade gauntlet and piled onto both Todoroki and Yoarashi and we’ll probably never see either of them again. Present Mic got all hyped up and stole Mera’s mic to start narrating all of the action. Meanwhile, Endeavor quietly asked All Might just how the fuck one goes about being a Symbol of Peace anyway.

Today on BnHA: The babysitting squad struggles to figure out how to “win the hearts” of this vicious group of six-year-olds. Bakugou proposes that they single out the kids’ leader and break their spirit to establish dominance. Inasa tries to bond with them. Todoroki tries to show the kids what kind of person he is by giving a five-hour oral presentation of his entire life story up to this point. Shockingly, none of these approaches is very effective. Meanwhile Endeavor opens up to All Might (I know guys, shit’s crazy) and says he’s obsessed his entire life over trying to be stronger than everyone else, but he knew from the start that he would never be able to top All Might. All Might says that he simply wanted to be a symbol the people could believe in to give them hope and help them not to be afraid. He says that he and Endeavor are different and that Endeavor should try to find his own way of doing things. Meanwhile the babysitting mayhem continues as the kids face off against the young heroes and activate their quirks.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 187 now, so any ETAs will reflect that. I accidentally spoiled myself for something huge related to Deku and I’m so mad lmao. so now I’m going off on a frustrated reading binge and so help me god I will catch up with this manga if it kills me.)

our new squad!

“win the brats’ hearts” omg

I’m telling you guys, Kacchan has this in the bag. he has so much experience with being a brat. he knows how to reach the hearts and souls of brats. he is a natural leader. like Steve Harrington before him, he is a babysitting legend and doesn’t even know it yet

that’s it Katsuki. assert your authority. remember, they can smell fear

how did they get both of them??

this boy fought off six grown villains at once, and yet he has been completely outmaneuvered by four preschoolers in a matter of minutes

and yet, please note how even as he tries to get this under control and also finds the time to yell at Todoroki (who makes an excellent point btw), he effortlessly dodges this one kid who was trying to sweep his legs

Camie is all “I have no idea what to do next” and over in what has now become the announcer booth, Present Mic is all “I can just tell they have no idea what to do next”

he can just tell

now he’s handing the microphone over to the sobbing kindergarten teacher so she can clarify what exactly the hero kids’ task is here

“basically I want them to do my job for me k thanks byyyyyyyyyyye”

so she wants them to inspire these kids somehow

wow Shouto and Inasa are so moved

meanwhile Bakugou is just like (╬◣益◢)

well at least he’s motivated. you really want to go get yourself flung around by Gang Orca some more huh

now he’s ranting about how this is what happens when the teacher fails to carry out their role as the leader of the kids, and that the kids have sensed that weakness and taken advantage of it

and that somewhere out there is an alpha kid “who sets the mood for the rest of the class” and they just have to find them

like you, you little thug? speaking from experience are we?

he knows just how to deal with them once they find them too

this is all very Lord of the Flies

and now he is demanding that the strongest child come out to fight him lmaooooo

and he’s being called out by the Monoma child

more like he never mentally matured past the age of six. this right here is the lawless jungle of schoolyard politics. your civilized rules have no place here

the kindergarten teacher is asking Mic if this is really going to be all right lol

and actually, Mic seems to have a surprising amount of faith in Bakugou, stating that he’s “just doing a little side show” that’s all

yep. sure he is

meanwhile Camie is informing Bakugou that delinquents are out of fashion

and he’s all “WELL THEY SHOULDN’T BE”

delinquents in general are, but Delinquents With A Heart Of Gold are still as popular as ever, so you’re good, Kacchan, don’t you worry

now Inasa’s stepping up to the plate!

he says the fast track to becoming best friends is just to get to know each other. I assume he also turned to wink at Todoroki and I just missed it

“who wants to be a hero?! raise your hand!”

ooh, it’s working!

CAN HE FOLLOW THROUGH?

wow he’s a natural

okay in all honesty, Inasa would be a great dad. frankly, looking at his performance here just drives it home how absurd it is that he didn’t manage to pass the provisional exam the first time around. he has all of the qualifications and then some. it’s just that he’s Dumb

holy shit

THESE KIDS ARE CALLING THEM OUT LEFT AND RIGHT

looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off againnnn nnnn nnnnnn... *ping*

at this point should I be concerned for Todoroki

like, I’m starting to sense a pattern here

so now Inasa’s smashing his head onto the ground in his trademark deep bow from a standing position, and apologizing to the kids and saying he had no right to preach at them from his high horse

Camie is all “wow these kids are pretty fucked up huh”

and Bakugou is all “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING”

he says sometimes you need violence to “put ‘em in their place” and that’s how he was raised

oh boy. so this is why everyone is all “Mitsuki is abusive”, isn’t it

goddamn you Horikoshi and your throwaway lines. does this mean I’m gonna have to do a Mitsuki meta after all

well for now I’m just gonna say that I don’t believe this line is meant to imply that Bakugou is being seriously abused at home in any way. it’s like... this, to me, is the same as when they had him all chained up on that podium at the end of the sports festival arc. something that was done for comedic effect. like, yes, if this was real life, that would be pretty fucked up and would definitely warrant some looking into. but this is a shounen manga where they had children battle each other to the point of unconsciousness for sport, and everyone was cool with it and cheering them on. when Bakugou says he was raised in a violent household, it’s clearly meant to be comedic sitcom violence where no one actually gets hurt. I’m not saying it’s not something that can’t be interpreted more deeply, because that’s half the fun of reading a manga. but I’m just saying that I myself am choosing to take it in the more zany/cartoonish tone in which I believe it’s intended, because in this case I think reading too deeply into it would lead to projecting issues onto Bakugou’s character that I don’t actually think are there. giving him angst I don’t think he actually has, in other words

I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of explaining this, though, so like I said, I really will end up having to post that meta I think

(ETA: so yeah, I posted that yesterday. thank you for everyone who took the time to read my rambling thoughts on this very touchy subject!)

anyway!!

meanwhile this kid absolutely was abused at home, though, and that’s a certified fact. and this is what he has to say about that

and immediately Bakugou is thinking back to the conversation he overheard at the sports festival

oh my god

this fucking kid omg

just. look at this shit though. he understands immediately that Todoroki is referring to his own violent upbringing, and he’s like oh snap, and then he actually backs down in his own way and doesn’t try to argue the point and is just like, fair enough, why don’t you give it a go then

and yet the way he does it is just. so exquisitely obnoxious. “let’s see... how can I try to be understanding, but like, in the rudest fucking way possible”

just. it’s magnificent. dammit Katsuki why are you like this

oh hey we’re cutting back to Endeavor and All Might

Endeav says he’s entrusted everything to Shouto

he says that he had already climbed to the number two spot when he was only twenty years old, and that he immediately understood that number one would always be out of his reach

okay, gonna press pause for a second now here. so just a reminder that we know Endeavor is 45 years old. maybe 46 now, idk. anyway though, so this means that he’s been the number two hero for 25 years. and that means that All Might must have been active for at least the same amount of time, and that he was already number one even 25 years ago. not just that, but he was well-established enough that Endeavor already knew he would never be able to beat him

so the question is, how long do we think it took All Might to become that established. could he have done it just two years after graduating U.A.? I think in all likelihood this means he’s probably a little older than Endeavor. I really can’t see him as any older than 50, though, so it’s hard to say. maybe he just ages like Paul Rudd. at any rate, he has obviously been around for quite a while

(ETA: to add onto this, we know from chapter 185 that no one had ever reached the top 10 as a teenager before Hawks did. so at minimum All Might would have had to be at least 20 years old before he became #1. so yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and say he’s definitely older than Endeavor by at least a little bit. honestly would it kill Horikoshi to go ahead and give this man an official age already.)

anyway, Endeav says he didn’t just want the title (which is obvious enough, given how he reacted when it was just handed to him following All Might’s retirement). otherwise he could have just gone around “foolishly smiling at everyone” the way All Might did

okay man, if you’re seriously trying to change your ways though, you might want to start with reconsidering that particular part of your attitude there

(ETA: though it seems his fans don’t like when he does this lol. no one wants a friendly neighborhood Endeavor apparently)

anyway, so yeah, he says he wanted to be the strongest

All Might’s saying this isn’t like Endeavor at all, and Endeavor is all “>:( JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER ALREADY”

All Might says he has no idea what to say to him. but All Might is a fucking liar, because you just know he’s about to go off into inspirational speech mode though

yeeeeep

basically he just tried to be a good, strong hero who could reassure people that everything would be okay. he won their trust. the reason why Endeavor is struggling is because no one trusts him in that same way. he’s just not a reassuring guy. people don’t feel safer just with him being there. he’s strong, yes, but more in a don’t-mess-with-this-guy way than a putting-your-mind-at-ease type of way. he doesn’t comfort people, he puts them on edge

anyway. while I went on my little tangent, All Might was continuing, and he mentioned how he ended up pushing away most of the people around him, and that was the path he chose

and there’s a flashback to Nighteye, and Endeavor is actually picking up on that

All Might says he know what kind of situation Endeavor is in and what people are saying about him

yeah we just got a nice demonstration of that less than a chapter ago

he says people keep comparing the two of them, but that they’re different

hmm

part of me is like “because he already has another successor in mind lol”

but he’s saying that Endeavor simply needs to find his own way of doing things. “and there’s no need to rush it”

wow, where did this chill, no-worries attitude come from all of a sudden I wonder. I seem to recall the six-years-ago All Might shouting at Nighteye that he had to continue carrying on even as a wounded Symbol of Peace, because even a small interim without that symbol would be disastrous

but now we’re all “it’s cool man, you just do you and you’ll figure it out, no rush.” it’s not like there’s a whole league of villains out there plotting or anything

though on the other hand, All for One is currently behind bars, and as for Tomura, All Might currently thinks of him as “Shimura’s grandson, so he can’t be that bad! I just have to get through to the misguided little tyke.” so maybe we’re not on the same page right now as far as urgency goes

now Mic’s commentary is drawing their attention back to the Baby-sitters Club over here

this is it, Shouto. all eyes on you my man

I have no idea what’s about to go down, but Endeavor is again aggressively showing his support

honestly, it’s very possible that even if Endeavor had actually not been a dick this whole time and had actually tried to be a good parent before now, Shouto would have still come out of it traumatized. Endeavor strikes me as the kind of guy who would have signed Shouto up for Little League and worn a shirt with his face on it to every single one of his games. “THAT’S MY SON!!! SHOUTOOOOO! DO YOUR BEST!!”

is that your dad, the other kids ask. in mortification, baby Shouto creates a little igloo with his quirk and ends up just hiding in there and refusing to come out for the rest of the game

you guys

I feel like. he actually has no clue what to do next

he’s thinking to himself that first he needs to show them what kind of person he is, and until he does that “everything I say will fall on deaf ears”

...please don’t break your arms. felt like I needed to say that. this is not a “what would Midoriya do” type of situation. he would get punched in the nuts is what

sfdalhkdhf

I fucking can’t with this dramatic fucking family

lol what

this is “showing them what kind of person you are”??

and the kids are not having it omg

lol he’s apologizing

YOU BLEW IT KID

lmao Camie is all “it seems like the three of you have been trying to do things the normal way this whole time”

not sure what chapter she’s been reading that she thinks all of this is normal

she’s suggesting that they use their quirks

you know what, I’m on board with that! because WHAT IS YOUR QUIRK, ANYWAY. I want to know omg

Kacchan is all “I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THAT”, but were you. were you really

but wow, though

who does this nerdy gung-ho take-charge analysis remind you of? because I’ll tell you, it reminds me of a certain gung-ho take-charge green haired nerd

oh my god they got in a huddle

this really is my new squad. omg. look at them formulating their nerdy gung-ho take-charge plan to take on these two dozen six-year-olds

meanwhile said six-year-olds are gathering their power

did this one kid really fucking unhinge his jaw and produce a fucking cannon wtf

and then there’s rabid Pacman kid, Akatsuki jacket kid who appears to be sprouting moss, triangle eyes kid who’s producing some sort of hula hoop wave, some kid with antennae who really has no business being all “OUR GENERATION IS BETTER” when all he has is a fucking antennae quirk, and lastly this sixth child who isn’t doing anything at all except hovering above all of the other children in such a way that I can’t tell if it’s just wacky panel design or if that’s actually his quirk

at any rate though, these kids better watch out, because these high schoolers appear fully prepared to Stoop To Their Level

can anyone tell what Camie’s quirk is from this panel. I can’t make out a damn thing. is this something where when I come back to look at it later it’ll be obvious and I’ll just be like “how the fuck did I miss that”

(ETA: oh man you guys. I can’t fucking wait for tomorrow’s chapter lol)

anyway. we all already know that Bakugou will take virtually any challenger seriously whether it’s Deku, Ochako, All Might, a bunch of villains, or Deku again. so it’s not all that surprising that this would extend even to a bunch of literal grade-schoolers

but what is surprising is that the others are following his lead here. well, maybe not so much surprising as just hilarious

why don’t you come down here and try your hand at it then if you think you’re so smart, Mic

he’d probably just offer to sign autographs and then wind up devastated when they don’t all fall over starstruck because none of them listens to the radio

will our heroes be able to impress the group of jaded small children?? will they actually end up resorting to violence after all and to hell with Todoroki’s earlier objections?? will we ever find out what the fuck is wrong with these kids’ parents?? STAY TUNED

once again there is no bonus page. there’s only one more of them (since I always skip the staff introduction pages), and it goes with chapter 167 I think. but it doesn’t matter much since this recap is already super fucking long good god

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dearemmett · 6 years

Text

Keep Them Safe (Chapter Three)

I’m tired, so it’s split in two. Suffer with me xD

Based off of @whatwashernameagain‘s fic: Keep Him Safe

Warnings For This Chapter: Mild profanity.

Chapter One

Chapter Four

Chapter Three (AO3 Link)

"DIE YOU FIEND!" screamed the little boy, jabbing at the adult with a stick. Rose sat on a bench a little ways away, watching her co-worker and nephew fence each other with sticks they found. She scrolled through Tumblr, not finding anything interesting, but still waiting for her prince to rescue her. The evil king could win too, she supposed, but most likely not. No one could resist Danny's puppy dog face. She had to be to work soon, but needed Nicholas to message her. He was taking Danny for the rest of the day until her brother got off work.

Sighing, she ran her fingers through her dark auburn hair. Without looking closely at it, people might think she had black hair. It, thankfully, wasn't as much of a pain to take care of as Oliver's, but she wasn't a fan of her curls. The woman's phone finally buzzed with two new messages.

Nicholas: Hey! We're all ready to take Danny off of your hands ;)

Lucas: Hey, are we still on for tonite?

Her face lit up, pink lightly dusting across it. She quickly replied to the first, trying to calm her nerves.

Rose: What took you so long? I have to work soon!

Nicholas: We just got a new roommate, so please let Danny know. I don't want him to hide or anything.

Rose: New roommate? Well, okay, sure, but you better explain to this roommate about Danny wanting to find dragons.

Nicholas: LOL, I already explained it.

Rose: Okay :)

Rose stood up and stretched, waving the two boys over. "Alright, I got the okay to drop Danny off! Let's hurry up, Jaz and I don't want to be late for work!" Her phone went off again, making her glance down at it.

Lucas: If you're still up for tonite, you get to choose where @ for dinner~

Rose: Hi! Sorry, dealing with my nephew. I'm still up for tonight but I really don't mind where we go <3

She couldn't stop grinning, so instead, she hid it behind her phone. Thankfully, Danny wasn't paying attention, more looking forward to a day at his godparents house. "And then we'll do a movie marathon! It's not a school night, so maybe I can even watch a scary movie!" He kept rambling to her co-worker, Jasper. Sometimes she forgot that he was only seven. He was extremely intelligent, and had to grow up so fast.

"Hush for a second, brat," she said fondly, "Dexter and Nicholas just got a roommate, so you have to make sure to behave yourself. Okay?" Her nephew nodded affirmative as he climbed into the car, buckling himself in while batting Jasper away. "I can do it myself!"

Rolling her eyes, Rose got into the driver's seat, and after making sure everyone was set, she took off towards the Knowles household. Her mind had started to wander by the time they pulled up, and she was grateful for the distraction of having to wrangle her brother's son up to the door, his energy being almost too much. Rose's hands were full, making her unable to knock, so she did the next best thing.

She kept banging the door with the bottom of her foot until they answered.

"Goodness Rose, calm yourself!" Dexter's voice was muffled and growing gradually louder until he threw open the door, glaring at her.

What a teddy bear, his glare isn't even intimidating, she thought. Then her eyes wandered upwards. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, MAN?! WHAT IS YOUR HAIR?!" Rose just about fainted from shock right then and there. Next thing she knew she was being ushered dragged to the car while screaming profanity at her brother's best friend. Who lets their hair get that wild?

Redmond peeked his head around the corner, concern etched onto his face. "Who... was that?"

"NEW PERSON!" A pink blur slammed into the man, knocking all breath out as he collapsed to the floor. Gasping, he checked to see what had slammed into him. The blur ended up being a small boy who looked about ten, with dark blue eyes and a million watt smile.

"H-hello?" Red stammered, clearly unsure of how to react to the boy. "What's your name?"

The boy beamed, brushing his sandy blonde hair out of his eyes. "My name is Danny! What's your name, mister?"

A smile broke out across his face, the man too overwhelmed by the kid's cuteness. "Why, hello Danny, my name is Redmond. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Nicholas burst out in laughter, startling the two on the floor. His husband was showing him something on his phone, and he rolled his eyes. "You know you can't leave him by himself for too long. You better go help him."

Dexter snickered, nodding as he grabbed his keys. "You three have fun! I'll be back soon."

"Where are you going?"

"To rescue your father."

How had he gotten himself into this mess? Oh yeah... he lost his footing while helping someone fix their potted plants, and fell onto the mangled fencing below. Now he was covered in cuts and bruises.

That wasn't the issue, however. The issue for Oliver was his hair. More specifically, how his hair was tangled with fence, and he had no chance of freeing himself. So he decided to let his pride take a hit, and texted the two people he hoped could help him; Dexter and Roman. Then he just had to lay there, waiting for help like he was some goddamn damsel in distress. Well, I am, he thought ruefully, a damsel who's hair is caught in a fence... Oh my god, I have to cut my hair to get free. A horrified expression stretched across his face. Fuck.

Over the past three years, Oliver had been growing his hair out, letting himself move passed his wife's death. And needless to say, he's grown attached to his long hair. He huffed, irritated, when he heard footsteps. He saw his partner coming at him with a pair of scissors, a gleeful light in his eyes. "Seems you got yourself into quite the pickle, Pipsqueak! Luckily for you, your savior has returned!" Dexter settled down by the hissing detective, taking his time to cut Oliver's hair out of the fence, giggling at every little snip, or every scowl shot in his direction. Eventually, Oliver was able to sit up, pouting as he did so.

And then, his pride took an even worse hit. "You look like shit!" He aimed his glare at Detective Prince, narrowing his eyes further. "Hey, no hitting me again! I was just pointing out the obvious and wanted to see if you'd like me to fix it!"

Oliver sighed and nodded, standing up. His back popped in several places, making him realize he had been lying there for a lot longer than he had originally thought. He signed to Dexter to relay to Roman, since he had no idea how much ASL the man knew, if he was being honest.

" Oliver says he knows you have hair stuff at your place, and would follow you there." Dexter smiled, then added his own statement. "I, however, need to go back home to keep an eye on the new tennant, so I'll see you ladies later!" He darted around the corner, effectively leaving Oliver alone with someone he didn't know very well.

The red haired man shrugged, looking up at Roman and making a gesture looking like "let's go", before shoving his hands in his pockets and waiting for the other detective to lead the way.

#keep them safe #keep him safe fanfic #sanders sides #original characters #detective au

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blackidyll · 7 years

Text

@svengooliecat replied to your post “ramblings ramblings ramblings”:

this sounds like it would make for a fantastic fic...10/10 would read. My condolences on your loss, tho, and having to deal with the govt.

Thanks :) (and sorry for the late reply, I’ve been away this weekend without net access).

TBH a big part of why I’m not actually writing the fic is because I don't want to do hours of research into funerals in Britain and the legalities of death and the governmental processes involved LOL and also because other than copious amounts of angst and worrying and a lot of introspection on the nature of their line of work a lot of the fic would just be random things that annoys Q to no end. Like:

Q gets informed about Bond’s “death” by the police while some of his neighbours are around (because Q’s ex-royal navy now-personal security consultant boyfriend has been out on business for more than two weeks now and that flat must get lonely) and when he finally gets time to place a call to Moneypenny she assures him that there’s no confirmation that Bond’s actually dead (”It’s so hard to tell with him, so we draw no conclusions until we have a body”) but also they have to go head with killing Bond’s cover and so on because something clearly went wrong on their mission, and:

Eve: so we’re going to have a funeral for closure Q: and what will we do when people ask to see James one last time? Because believe it or not, Eve, but he can be surprisingly charming when he wants to be and half our neighbours either love him or are in love with him. Eve: so it’ll be a closed casket funeral Q: And that means the so-called body is too mutilated for the public to see. Thank you, Eve, thank you so much I’m never getting a moment of peace now.

And sure enough Q doesn’t get much of a moment alone after that news goes out. Friends and neighbours and almost everyone he and Bond have had contact with in this undercover mission have turned out in support. Whenever he’s gone for too long someone comes up to find him, and there’s rotation of people who volunteer to bring meals and stay overnight and try to help out with the whole process (”What do we do? When does the morgue release the body? What arrangements do we need to make? Paperwork?” “I don’t know, let’s Google it” and meanwhile Q is thinking I honestly don’t know either, because I’ve either ordered the extraction/clean up team to do their jobs and just attend the funerals afterwards or I’ve just directly hacked into the relevant agencies to check off all the right forms so he pulls off the distressed and confused bereaved boyfriend quite convincingly). But actually Q just wants like an hour to himself so he can get into Q-net and actually set his systems to find Bond, because he trusts in his Q Branch comms team but they’re not him and they don’t know Bond like Q does. And then Moneypenny reminds him that even if he had privacy he’s still undercover as a civilian, so Q can’t raise any flags doing the type of searches he’s used to, and certainly not without the system setup and network of connections he has in Q Branch or his home office.

The frustration of not being able to do anything productive + the continued radio silence from Bond makes Q a bit of a loose canon the next couple of days, so Moneypenny and 0010 show up as Q’s “best friend from uni, and a fellow officer from James’s RN days” to help manage the situation, maintain Q’s cover but mostly to contain Q (because Q conducted some rather illegal operations very well indeed on his own before his recruitment to MI6).

Also greeting visitors and well-wishers is unexpectedly very tiring? Everyone keeps giving Q their condolences and he has no idea what to say in return, because even if this wasn’t fake what could he say? And they all want to reminisce about Bond, of course. And Q knows that it’s just a cover, that many of the stories they share are just things Bond or he have had to do to maintain their cover... but sometimes they’ll say things like how it was the way Bond was always looks at Q that clued them in that they were a couple, when they first moved into the flat, or how it was always so endearing to see them interacting, because somehow Bond always anticipates what Q needs before he says anything out loud, whether it’s passing Q the milk for his tea or fetching him a tool from his toolbox when Q is tinkering or gently steering him down the sidewalk when Q is too engrossed on his phone, and those, Q knows, aren’t part of the cover at all.

And then, inevitably, there are the gossip-mongers, the curious busybodies who want to get all the juicy details (”but no really, how did he die again?” or “how did you feel when you got the news, it can’t have been pleasant at all” or “oh dear, the mortgage for this flat can’t be cheap, however will you manage now? Will you move out?”) and come by in groups and make little side remarks to each other just in Q’s hearing, and Q can’t help himself, his responses become politer and sweeter at each question until Moneypenny has to intercede when someone mentions, “well dear, you’re young yet, you’ll find someone else” because Q might not be a field agent and he’s undercover but he’s also very fond of tasers and has built them into all manner of common household items.

Q gets two whole hours to himself after Moneypenny gets him out of that room, and while he’s busy hacking into MI5′s systems (because now M’s got a team watching to make sure he doesn’t use his own credentials to log into Q-net, damnit) he also thinks to himself that if he’s already on a short-fuse, he can’t imagine how someone who is truly grieving would cope with the whole situation, and because he’s painfully practical, makes a mental note to put contingencies in place so that when the inevitable happens, he doesn’t get blindsided by in all the minutiae and legalities involved. The both of them being attached to MI6 makes things both simpler and more complicated, because Q can cut through all manner of red tape easily, but the nature of their work means neither of their legal covers actually really exists so it’s not like their relationship will ever be official in the eyes of the law.

(and because Q is aware that the world more or less runs on chaos and entropy, he also plans to customise contingencies for his own file, in case he’s the one that turns out dead first. He’s well aware of how Bond copes with the death of a loved one, especially one that falls in the line of duty).

After it all, Q’s already erratic sleep pattern gets even more shot to hell, because Bond’s alive, they’ve left those cover identities behind them, but Q’s brain won’t turn off and he keeps getting flashbacks to the fake funeral whenever he closes his eyes, and it doesn’t make any sense because it wasn’t real, but he can’t stop thinking about it. So he just plows through work or shuts himself in his workshop until Bond drags him back into bed, and if they somehow always wake up with Q clinging so hard to Bond’s wrist or arm Bond never says a word, and from then on Bond goes on missions and even if 99% of his mission kit gets destroyed he somehow preserves his comms unit or phone, so he can always ping a well encrypted I’m alive signal at Q every couple of days.

As you can see... I have quite a few headcanons about this random semi-AU 00Q verse haha. Thanks for letting me share them.

#svengooliecat #replies #also smart blood? what smart blood? let's just say that doesn't exist in this verse #or else Q would be able to track bond and also confirm that he's alive in a heartbeat #let's just say that after this incident Q goes on to invent and perfect the smart blood technology #also bond tried very hard to get back in touch with either Q or MI6 after things went severely south #because he knows Q #Q is so good with technology and he's so used to being in control and on top of things #and when things fall out of his control and one of his agents goes missing - and the double-os and bond in particular #Q goes a bit crazy trying to find them #and bond's efforts trying to get back in contact actually gets him into more trouble (breaks his cover or whatever) and is the reason why #he doesn't manage to extract himself and get back until after the funeral #they have some interesting conversations about how bond caring about Q too much ended up hampering him on the mission afterwards #the whole duty to their work/government versus private motivations thing #anyway lol this is getting complicated but i do love 00Q because they -are- complicated #and they have a fascinating dynamic #anyway!#*#otp: the inevitability of time #craig!bond films

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fabulizemag · 6 years

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Quan Millz talks candidly with Fabulize Magazine

I think I first discovered Quan Millz and his books on Facebook. I kept seeing these outrageous book titles such as, “Crack Hoe Dreams” and “Pregnant By My Mother’s Gay Husband”. I thought the titles were just memes people were making up as jokes but to my surprise, these were actual book titles being sold on Amazon — and Millz has a steadily growing fanbase.

By now, you’ve probably seen his books on various platforms being talked about and the same words are used to describe him and his books; ratchet, ghetto, women-hating, low-class etc. While there are some who can find validity in these critiques, I found it interesting that no one took the time to speak to the author themselves.

Not all black women to read these books but a lot do…Women are 99% of my fan base

Now, urban fiction is not a new genre. Street literature has been around since people were able to publish their own books. For you younger whippersnappers, back in the day, titles like Coldest Winter Ever, The Game, and Black were some of the infamous works from Triple Crown Productions; a publishing company that produced ( that are still available on Amazon) hood novels that were sold on the subways, out of the trunk of cars on the streets and if you were lucky, in black-owned bookstore that was tucked all the way in the back of the shelves. These books and novels have always existed, but with social media being so visible it’s easier for creatives to debut work and go viral off of controversial content and that’s exactly what Quan Millz is doing.

Quan Millz talks candidly with Fabulize Magazine

Millz fanbase and creative team are comprised of mostly black women and if you were to ‘judge a book by its cover’ you might not believe that at first which is the interesting irony from his critics. I’ve been following him on Facebook and black women are his biggest supporters. In fact, I’ve seen numerous black women contribute ideas and give him feedback on the projects he’s working on. This is why Millz doesn’t feel these critiques are fair and feels all the negative press he gets are from people who relish in respectability politics. He also thinks there are other authors that are jealous of his success; after all, he’s been mentioned on The Shade Room and other popular blogs and continues to generate sales. Are his critics overthinking his work, or is Millz pimping out black, stereotypical strife for profit?

I was able to catch up with Millz who took the time out to talk to me about his books, his failures, what inspires him, his future projects and how he views “Wokebook” ( the black social justice warrior side of Facebook).

Do you think your work is misogynistic? Intentionally or unintentionally?

QM: Misogynistic in what way? I think that’s where I am having a hard time trying to understand how I am promoting misogynoir or whatever that means.

Misogynoir means using stereotypes that are used to demean black women in ways that are violent, sexual and or classist. Do you think your work is popular based on how you portray black women even though it’s entertainment?

QM: Ohh! I portray all spectrums of black womanhood and black manhood. In fact, that’s one of my criticisms about contemporary urban lit; it’s too narrow in its scope of the portrayal of black people. Not everyone lives in a housing project or a ghetto, but not everyone lives in a middle class, suburban neighborhood. My stories draw from real life experiences of things that have happened in the news. Now, I will confess there are perhaps some comedic or satirical elements to my writing. But take for instance Crack Hoe Dreams, I wanted to show the pathology of how a woman goes from being normal to a full-on crackhead or drug addict [while explaining] her experiences [and] the evolution of her addiction. Addiction doesn’t happen overnight. I also deal with a lot of colorism in my books. Gutter Hoe Dreams is about an abusive, “light-skinned” aunt who terrorizes her dark-skinned, morbidly obese, supposedly mentally challenged niece. I do play on tropes and certain common storylines/characters but that’s only because these are current, identifiable issues that black people deal with on an everyday basis. I don’t understand why people like to pretend that colorism isn’t still very much rampant in the black community.

Colorism is very real

QM: Yes, also what people need to realize about the street lit/urban fiction genre is that it’s designed to be digestible by the masses. I try to weave in larger social themes, but I also try to still incorporate everyday colloquialisms that resonate with people. None of my books are overly cerebral. I write simple and direct but try to be expressive with language. I think honestly that’s why I have such a popular, growing fan base. So many urban fiction writers love writing over-the-top thug romance stories that in reality fantasize the very pathologies that I try to erase through my characters and have them overcome them. I do not like glorifying drug trade, kingpins, etc. I hate alpha male thug romance stories. But the reality is there is a strong demand for that type of literature and I respect it. I just choose to write the stories I want to write that I feel reflect realities for a lot of black folks who live in the working class and poor neighborhoods. Sorry if I’m rambling I just…ughh. I’m kind of heated because I already have to deal with controversy within the urban fiction writers’ community for my choice of titles. I get it though. But then I don’t like it when these stay woke cultural elitists see it as an opportunity to tear down writers and the readers who write urban fiction and street lit.

What advice would you give to writer and aspiring publishers? How do you build your online community and fanbase?

QM: Write what the fuck you wanna write. If people like it, they’ll continue to read it. But also learn how to write for the market.

How do you come up with plots and storylines? What inspires you? What influences do you have or use to create characters?

QM: I don’t focus on storylines. I focus on characters and the adversities I want them to overcome. That drives the plot. From there, everything else falls into place.

How old were you when you published your first book?

QM:32. I’ve been writing since late 2014. I started after my business and co-author, N’Dia Rae, got me into writing. I started under a different pen name and failed miserably. I had no idea what I was doing. None of those books are on Amazon anymore and I will not reveal to you what the pen name was.

Where are you from? What was your childhood like? Where do you live now? What life experiences have/do you use to write your books?

QM: I was born and raised in Miami, Florida. I graduated from the University of Florida in Gainesville, lived in Atlanta, then moved to Chicago. Now I spend most of my time between Chicago, Los Angeles, and Miami.

How long does it take you to write a book? Depends on if the spirit of creativity.

QM: Sometimes I can write a book in less than a week. Sometimes, it takes damn near three months.

What’s the hardest thing about writing books?

QM: Being able to tell an emotionally gripping story and draw people in from the very beginning.

What’s the biggest complaint /worse feedback you get about your work? What is the best?

QM: I haven’t gotten serious, serious complaints. My readers, for the most part, enjoy my work to the fullest.

Who do you think is your audience?

QM: Describe them in 4 words. Black women. Lol, black men hardly read, unless its nonfiction 48 Laws of Power type shit.

Who are your favorite urban fiction writers? What writers and authors do you admire?

QM: Sista Souljah and K’wan right now are my tops. I tried to get into some other authors, but they primarily write urban romance. Ain’t nobody got time to read about thugs with big dicks. That shit is wack to me.

Do you have any friends and family who feel you are taking their personal lives and turning it into entertainment?

QM: Nope, not at all.

How do you choose your cover titles?

QM: Honestly, they just come to me. And a lot of them reflect common says and aphorisms in the hood.

Do you feel obligated to showcase the black and minority communities in good/positive light?

QM: No, I do not because I am a creative and I write stories that reflect the reality that people live. Only 4% of Black American households are worth more than $200,000 or more. So this whole faux Huxtable narrative that black bourgeois intellectuals and artists like to push onto people is nothing more than rehashed respectability politics.

How do you market your books online? What has worked best for you? What are some mistakes you’ve come across in marketing your books?

QM: I use a variety of methods. Social media advertising works best. I’ve actually developed a very comprehensive launch marketing strategy for my books, but I will not delve into the specifics of that because it’s too detailed and I’d be damned if I am going to give out trade secrets, lol. All I will say is, social media engagement is very important.

What are the topics you refuse to write about?

QM: I’ll write about any and everything so long as it piques my interest and readers find it interesting.

Do you want to expand your empire to tv, film or music? Do you see yourself writing in other genres?

QM: Yes, that is actually the goal to get into television. Although I see myself making films here and there, I actually prefer television. Seems more up my alley as far as being able to stretch out a plot. Don’t see myself ever getting into music. As far as other genres – honestly, no. I prefer the African American Urban Fiction market because it’s gritty and underground. Besides, I like writing for black folks.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

QM: In five years I see myself with a multi-million dollar publishing house. I would also like to get into real estate. Long term, I would like to tone down the writing a bit and focus more on African American urban young adult fiction because a lot of teenagers do read street lit novels. See for me, I love writing cautionary tales – entertaining, cautionary tales.

What’s the difference between cautionary tales and urban lit?

QM: Well, I am saying it’s my style of writing in the context of urban lit meaning, I am writing with the intent to try to weave in some sort of larger social message. Not all of my books are like that, some honestly were just written simply for the sake of making money. I plan on eventually taking those books down.

So you work is limited time only?

QM: No, certain books like My Bad White Bitch.

So are you going to give Quan Millz a chance? What’s your favorite urban lit book?

Urban Fiction Author, Quan Millz Doesn’t Like ‘Stay Woke Cultural Elitists’ That Discredit Street Lit I think I first discovered Quan Millz and his books on Facebook. I kept seeing these outrageous book titles such as, "Crack Hoe Dreams" and "Pregnant By My Mother's Gay Husband".

#Books #exclusive #interview #Quan Millz #Reading #social media

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