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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 3 years

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Twitter has basically begun a crusade for crucifixion of a group of girls who have gone to Harry’s shows. One girl tested positive for covid the day after the Las Vegas show (allegedly negative the day before but 🤷‍♀️), and immediately did what she could to get the word out. The internet did what the internet does and found a few other girls who were pictured all massless in a group with her, and who have since gone to the Denver show. All of Twitter has engaged in this super weird, very aggressive attack on these girls - everything from tweets begging them to wear a mask and stop going to shows, threatening them if they don’t wear masks, insulting them, and (perhaps strangest of all to me) attempting to guilt them using the possibility that they’ll get Harry sick and/or get either Sarah and Mitch sick who will give it to the baby. Now I acknowledge Twitter isn’t always the most sane or rational place, but all of this has been a bit confusing to me. What are they trying to accomplish? What do they think they’re actually accomplishing? Did they really believe every single person who went to Harry’s shows would behave with integrity and wear a mask the whole time and/or skip a show if they thought they might have been exposed prior to it? That’s maybe the most concerning to me, because I worry it means a whole lot of people have very, very incorrect ideas about their true level of risk attending these shows. I have pit tickets to one, but I am under no delusions that every single person in the pit with me will be behaving as an angel. That someone, or more likely multiple someones in the pit would be covid positive and would at some point go maskless regardless of the rules was one of the factors I took into consideration when I decided to go to my show. The morality policing really bothers me, too, because it always seems to turn so quickly from “you might get Harry or Mitch and Sarah or the baby sick” to “every single one of you is a horrible person for going to shows in the first place you careless monsters,” and then devolving into these arbitrary rules like no one should ever go to more than one show, or if you have to travel at all outside your hometown for a show don’t go to it. There has also been lots of proposing other risk reduction measures that don’t make sense to me practically, like testing every single ticket holder - great in theory. Practically a nightmare. As I’m getting to the end of this ask I’m realizing it doesn’t really have a point - just that when I saw all this unfold I thought about you, and the way you’ve laid out a framework to analyze the real risk of going to a show like this, which have really helped me think about my own show, and which I wish more people could have seen. Hope you’re well!

Thanks for this anon (I'm finally heading back to some anons from earlier in the tour that I'm really interested in). It's lovely that you say that the way I lay out the risk has helped you.

After I started reading this I read an article about wellness and vaccine denial and the tag line was: 'The randomness of illness is far too frightening for many to contemplate – so they rely on a fiction they’re special and can control their bodies' And that's something we see everywhere - including people loudly insisting that if everyone wore masks we'd know that Mitch and Sarah's baby wouldn't get sick.

The discussion seems to me to be deep in denial about what is known about COVID. In particular, that screaming for an hour, inside, surrounded by other people who are also screaming, is pretty high up there on the most COVID-unsafe activities. Masks reduce the risk (although given how intensely aeorsol friendly screaming is - nobody can be sure how much). But an intervention can reduce the risk and there can still be lots of risk. It's so important that people don't do scream for a long time around other people, unless they accept the full range of risks of what they're doing, including the risk that they might infect other people, even if they're vaccinated, even if they're wearing a mask the entire time.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about what people are doing when they say 'think about Mitch and Sarah's baby'. There's the straight racism of worrying about a white baby (COVID isn't even likely to be the most risky virus for a baby in the arena) when there's a black man with breathing problems on stage. But there's a clear purpose to all of that - which is the moralistic worldview. The baby isn't just vulnerable, but innocence, and by invoking innocence the outraged tweeters are suggesting someone's guilty.

************

In general, 'people just need to be better' is a terrible public health and political response. And what I need to remind myself is that's true of people dealing with their COVID anxiety by seeking certainty when there is none, as well as suggesting perfect masking could stop spread in high risk environments.

While I'm very tempted when faced with this sort of material to rage against what a ridiculous view of risk it is (and I usually give into temptation), it's far more useful to acknowledge that wanting certainty is a really normal response. The last year and a half has been incredibly stressful for so many people. And many people have been left in situations where there's insufficient support, completely untrustworthy communication and absolutely terrified.

The people who are anxious on twitter probably come by at least some of their anxiety honestly. (Although how much of the anxiety is about Harry as opposed to COVID is an open question). And so I do think it's worth saying: 'the situation is really scary, but yelling and trying to control other people won't make you safer, or make the situation less controlling and scary'. But that sort of response if you can suggest something less damaging that people can do and I don't know enough about the US to know what would help (I'm guessing anything that takes vaccines and good information to where people are - and it's worth praising Harry's team for what they're doing along those lines).

So I do have one final answer to a question you didn't ask anon. You say 'twitter' and 'all of twitter' in your ask. I think it's useful to conciously reject that framing. What you saw was being done by some accounts. There were lots of people who thought differently, or didn't care, but you didn't see them because they didn't post. People who say things can end up taking up a disproportionate space in our awareness, because we can't see silence.

I'm sure they've moved on to some absurd other policing now (a few days ago it owuld have been signs, I'm not sure what people are engaging with now). Which shows that a lot of it wasn't about COVID and also that it's worth actively not trying to allow it to grow bigger in importance than it actually is.

#People's fear is legitimate #but that doesn't mean that everthing they do with it #is OK #or helps fight COVID #or builds a better world #and I find it hard to keep both those things properly balanced sometimes #and also (to probably go off balance)#It blows my mind that people are policing on behalf of Harry #like of all people #he's made a risk benefit analysis #and decided it's worth it #I don't know there's something deeply odd at yelling at other people that they might infect someone #While that person is making the decisions that makes these events happen #and showing that he has quite a high level of tolerance of risk in his own life #I mean it's not that odd #it's fandom

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thekillerssluts · 4 years

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The Story Behind Every Song On Will Butler’s New Album Generations

Will Butler has a lot on his mind. It has, after all, been five years since his solo debut, Policy. A lot can happen in half a decade, and a lot has happened in this past half-decade — much of it quite dire. Butler was in his early 30s when Policy came out, and now he’s closing in on 40. He’s a husband and father. And he’s shaken by the state of the world, the idea of being an artist and a soon-to-be middle-aged man striving to guide his family through the chaos.

At least, that’s how it comes across through much of Generations, his sophomore outing that arrives today. Generations is a big, sprawling title by nature, and the album in turn grapples with all kinds of big picture anxieties. Mass shootings, the overarching darkness and anxiety of our time, trying to reckon with our surroundings but the system overload that occurs all too easily in the wake of it. Then there are more intimate songs, too, tales drawn from personal lives as people plug along just trying to navigate a tumultuous era.

Butler is, of course, no stranger to crafting music that seeks to parse the cultural moment and how it impacts in our daily lives. Ever since Arcade Fire ascended to true arena-rock status on The Suburbs 10 years ago, they have embarked on projects that explicitly try to make sense of our surroundings. (Not that their earlier work was bereft of heavy concepts — far from it — but Reflektor and Everything Now turned more of a specific eye towards contemporary ills and trials.) But as one voice amongst many in Arcade Fire, there is a cinematic scope to whatever Butler’s playing into there.

On Generations, he engages with a lot of similar concerns but all in his own voice — often yelping, desperate, frustrated then just trying to catch a breath. Butler leans on his trusty Korg MS-20 throughout Generations, often giving the album a synth-y indie backdrop that allows him to try on a few different selves. There are a handful of surging choruses, “la-la” refrains batting back against the darkness, slinking grooves maybe allowing someone the idea of brief physical release amidst ongoing strife.

Ahead of Generations’ arrival, Butler sent us some thoughts on the album, running from inspiration between the individual tracks to little details about the arrangement and composition of different songs. Now that you can hear the album for yourself, check it out and read along with Butler’s comments below.

1. “Outta Here”

I think this is the simplest song on the record. Just, like, get me out of here. Get me fucking out of here. I’m so tired of being here. No, I don’t have another answer, and I don’t expect anything to be better anywhere else. But, please, I would like to leave here.

I can play plenty of instruments, and can make interesting sounds on them, but kinda the only instrument I’m good at is a synth called the Korg MS-20. That’s the first sound on the record. It makes most of the bass you hear on the record. It’s a very aggressive, loud, versatile machine, and I wanted to start the record with it cause I’m good at playing it and it makes me happy.

2. “Bethlehem”

This song partly springs from “The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats: “What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” Like a lot of folks, I woke up after the election in 2016 mad and sad and scared and exhausted. This song is born of that emotion.

My bandmates Jenny Shore, Julie Shore, and Sara Dobbs sing the bridge, and it’s a corrective to my (appropriate?) freaking out — this isn’t the apocalypse. You’re misquoting Yeats. Get your fucking head on straight. History has not ruptured — this shit we’re in is contiguous with the shit we’ve been dealing with for a long, long time. But still, we sometimes do need an apocalyptic vision to make change. Even if it’s technically wrong. I dunno. It’s an ongoing conversation.

There’s a lot of interplay with backing vocals on this record — sometimes the narrator is the asshole, sometimes the backing vocals are the asshole. Sometimes they’re just trying their best to figure out the world. This song starts that conversation.

3. “Close My Eyes”

I tried to make these lyrics a straightforward and honest description of an emotion I feel often: “I’m tired of waiting for a better day. But I’m scared and I’m lazy and nothing’s gonna change.” Kind of a sad song. Trying to tap into some Smokey Robinson/Motown feeling — “I’ve got to dance to keep from crying.”

There’s a lot of Mellotron on this record, and a lot of MS-20. This song has a bunch of Mellotron strings/choirs processed through the MS-20. It’s a trick I started doing on the Arcade Fire song “Sprawl II,” and I love how it sounds and I try to do it on every song if I can.

4. “I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know”

This makes a pair with “Close My Eyes” — shit is obviously fucked, but “I don’t know what I don’t know what I don’t know what I can do.” I’m not a proponent of the attitude! Just trying to describe it, as I often feel it. In my head, I know some things that I can do — my wife Jenny, for instance, works really hard to get state legislatures out of Republican control. Cause it’s all these weirdo state legislative chambers that have enormous power over law enforcement, and civil rights, and Medicaid, and everything.

The image in the last verse was drawn from the protests in Ferguson in 2015: “Watch the bullets and the beaters as they move through the streets — grab your sister’s kids — hide next to the fire station…” It’s been horrifically disheartening to see the police riot across America as their power has been challenged. I’ve got a little seed of hope that we might change things, but, man, dark times.

More MS-20 bass on this one, chained to the drum machine. This one is supposed to be insanely bass heavy — if it comes on in a car, the windows should be rattling, and you should be asking, “What the heck is going on here?” Trying for a contemporary hip-hop bass sound but in a way less spare context. First song with woodwinds — rhythmic stuff and freaky squeals by Stuart Bogie and Matt Bauder.

5. “Surrender”

This song is masquerading as a love song, but it’s more about friendship. About the confusion that comes as people change: Didn’t you use to have a different ideal? Didn’t we have the same ideal at some point? Which of us changed? How did the world change? Relationships that we sometimes wish we could let go of, but that are stuck within us forever.

It’s also about trying to break from the first-person view of the world. “What can I do? What difference can I make?” It’s not about some singular effort — you have to give yourself over to another power. Give over to people who have gone before who’ve already built something — you don’t have to build something new! The world doesn’t always need a new idea, it doesn’t always need a new personality. What can you do with whatever power and money you’ve got? Surrender it over to something that’s already made. And then the song ends with an apology: I’m sorry I’ve been talking all night. Just talk talk talking, all night. Shut up, Will.

Going for “wall of sound” on this one — bass guitar and bass synth and double tracked piano bass plus another piano plus Mellotron piano. The “orchestra” is about a dozen different synth and Mellotron tracks individually detuned. And then run through additional processing.

6. “Hide It Away”

This song is about secrets. Both on an intimate, heartbreaking level — friends’ miscarriages, friends’ immigration status, shitty affairs coming to light — and on a grand, horrible level: New York lifting the statute of limitations on child abuse prosecutions, all the #MeToo reporting. There’s nothing you can do when your secret is revealed. Like, what can you do? You just have to let the response wash over you. If you’ve done something horrible, god-willing, you’ll have to pay for it in some way. If it’s something not horrible, but people will hate you anyway, goddammit, I wish there were some way to protect you.

This song has the least poetic line on the record, a real clunker: “It’s just money and power, money and power might set them free.” But it’s a clunky, shitty concept — the most surefire protection is being rich and knowing powerful people. But even then, shit just might come out. Even after you’re long dead.

Came from a 30-second guitar sample I recorded while messing around at the end of trying to track a different song. I liked the chords, looped them to make a demo. And the song was born from there. This is the one song I play drums on. Snare is chained to the MS-20, trying to play every frequency the ear can hear at the same time on some of those big hits.

7. “Hard Times”

[Laughs] I sat down and tried to write a Spotify charting electro-hit, and this is what came out: “Kill the rich, salt the earth.” Oh well. Written way before COVID-19, but my 8-year-old son turned to me this spring and asked, “Did you write the song ‘Hard Times’ about now, because we’re living through hard times?” No, I didn’t.

In Dostoevsky’s Notes From Underground, the narrator is a real son-of-a-bitch—contrarian, useless. Mad at the strong confident people who think they’ve got it figured out. And they don’t! And neither does the narrator — but he knows he doesn’t, and he at times yearns for some higher answer, and he’s funny, and too clever, but still knows he’s a piece of shit. I read Notes From Underground in high school and kinda forgot how it shaped my worldview until I sat down with it a couple years ago. The bridge on this song is basically smushed up quotes from Notes From Underground.

I was asking Shiftee, who mixed the record, if there are any vocal plug-ins I should be playing around with. He pointed me toward Little AlterBoy, which is basically a digital recreation of the kind of pedal the Knife use, for instance, on their vocal sound. It can shift the timbre/character of a voice without changing the pitch. Or change pitch without changing character. Very fun! Very much all over this track. Tried to make the bridge sound like a Sylvester song.

8. “Promised”

Another friend song masquerading as a love song. I’ve met a handful of extraordinary people in my life, who stopped doing extraordinary work because life is hard and it sucks. People who — I mean, it’s a lottery and random and who cares — could be great writers or artists, who kind of just disappeared. And it’s heartbreaking and frustrating. I don’t blame them. Maybe they weren’t made for this world. Maybe it’s just random. Maybe they’ll do amazing work in their 60s!

We tracked this song before it was written. Julie and Miles came over and we made up a structure and did a bunch of takes, found a groove. Which I then hacked up into what it is now! The bed tracks are lovely and loose. Maybe I’ll put out a jammier version of this song at some point. The other big synth on this record is the Oberheim OB-8, and that’s the bass on this one (triple tracked along with some MS-20).

9. “Not Gonna Die”

This song is about terrorism, and the response to terrorism. I wrote it a couple weeks after the Bataclan shooting in Paris in 2015. For some reason, a couple weeks after the shooting, I was in midtown Manhattan. I must have been Christmas shopping. I had to pop into the Sephora on 5th Avenue to pick up something specific — I think for my wife or her sister. I don’t remember. But I remember walking in, and the store was really crowded, and for just a split second I got really scared about what would happen if someone brought out a gun and started shooting up the crowd. And then I got so fucking mad at the people that made me feel that emotion. Like, I’m not gonna fucking die in the midtown Sephora, you fucking pieces of shit. Thanks for putting that thought in my head.

BUT ALSO, fuck all the fucking pieces of shit who are like, “We can’t accept refugees — what if they’re terrorists?” FUCK OFF. Some fucking terrified family driven from their home by a war isn’t going to kill me. Or anyone. Fuck off. Some woman from Central America fleeing from her husband who threatened to kill her isn’t going to fucking bomb Times Square. You fucking pieces of shit.

In November/December 2015, the Republican primary had already started — Trump had announced in June. And every single one of those pieces of shit running for president were talking about securing our borders, and keeping poor people out, and trying to justify it by security talk. FUCK OFF. You pieces of shit. Fuck right off. Anyway. Sorry for cursing.

I kind of think of the outro of this song as an angry “Everyday People.” Everyday people aren’t going to kill me. Lots of great saxes on this track from Matt Bauder and Stuart Bogie.

The intro of the song we recorded loud, full band, which I then ran through the MS-20 and filtered down till it was just a bass heart-pulse, and re-recorded solo piano and voice over that.

10. “Fine”

I kind of think that “Outta Here” to “Not Gonna Die” comprise the record, and “Fine” operates as the afterword and the prologue rolled into one. An author’s note, maybe. It was kind of inspired by high-period Kanye: I wanted to talk about something important in a profane, sometimes horribly stupid way, but have it be honest and ultimately transcendent.

In the song, I talk semi-accurately about where I come from. My mom’s dad was a guitar player who led bands throughout the ’30s and ’40s. In post-war LA, he had a band with Charles Mingus as the bass player. Charles Mingus! One of the greatest geniuses in all of American history. But this was the ’40s, and in order to travel with the band, to go in the same entrances, to eat dinner at the same table, he had to wear a Hawaiian shirt and everybody had to pretend he was Hawaiian. Because nobody was sure how racist they were supposed to be against Hawaiians.

Part of the reason I’m a musician is that my great-grandfather was a musician, and his kids were musicians, and their kids were musicians, and their kids are musicians. Part of the reason is vast generations of people working to make their kids’ lives better, down to my life. Part of the reason is that neither government nor mob has decided to destroy my family’s lives, wealth, and property for the last couple hundred years. I tried to write a song about that?

Generations is out now via Merge. Purchase it here.

https://www.stereogum.com/2098946/will-butler-generations-song-meanings/franchises/interview/footnotes-interview/

#Arcade Fire #will butler #generations #interview #hq

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 4 years

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hello this isnt abt batfam or batman but i saw your age and was wondering how do i survive till 23? i am 18 now and 5 more years is very hard to survive please help

Interesting question. I turn 24 in ten days, and sometimes even I’m not sure. I guess I’ll talk about how I personally stayed alive this long before I try to give advice.

The very first thing I would say is that I am religious, and that worldview makes a difference. I don’t mean that in a “everything happens for a reason” kind of way, and as a matter of fact, I very much dislike that line of thinking. It does a lot of damage, and I’m aware that it rightly puts a lot of people off from religion in general.

I hold two beliefs that I think are helpful in terms of survival. First, I believe that humans are by nature bad. Counterintuitive in this conversation? Stick with me. Every day, but especially at my lowest moments, I hate the things that I am. In a metaphorical sense, my mind whispers to me that I am selfish, that I am cowardly, that I think bad things and I am capable of worse. I’m hateful, I’m terrifying, and I am absolutely broken. At my core, there is something fundamentally wrong, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t fix it.

I am disgusting. I’m several thousand evil things in a trench-coat pretending to be anything but myself, and I’m not fooling anyone.

Well, yeah. Yeah, I’m all those things and more: manipulative, lying, self-obsessed, angry, unforgiving, and judgmental. I could, of course, go on.

Here’s the thing-- everybody is. I am no better and no worse than any other person in the universe, and though I am ever abhorrent thing, I am. I have the same dignity, the same worth, and the same life as any human anywhere. The dark things are part and parcel of my humanity, but although I am not good, I do good.

I will never be perfect because that just isn’t possible, but I can be kind. I can be loving, I can be strong, and I can be wise.

Shit, doesn’t that set me free?

There’s a lot more to this conversation, and the rest goes, in brief, like this: at the bottom of the darkness that is every soul, we have one great fear-- if I am truly evil, no one will ever love me. Good news on that front, there is a God who does. If that’s something you want to talk about, hey hit me up. I’ll evangelize on my own time.

Back to it. My second belief is a kind of understanding about the passage of time, and it’s sort of hard to boil down into a few sentences, but I’ll try my best. I believe in a grand struggle between good and evil. I know the beginning of that struggle. I know the end of that struggle: that good will win. I am a part of the middle.

I see my role in the universe as extraordinary small but absolutely necessary. I have a two-fold purpose-- love God, love humans. I interpret both as a call to help others in any way I can, and I think in the way my life has worked out so far, that’s really the most important thing keeping me alive.

I see all of this through the frame of my religion, but I would argue that everything I’ve said so far is applicable outside of that frame, because a lot of folks get to the same place from a fully secular point of view. I cannot be perfect. I should care about and fight for other people. That’s really all we’re working from here.

A few years back, when people asked me this question-- how do you stay alive?-- I used to answer “spite,” and that’s not untrue. I am a very angry person, and the grand majority of that anger is directed at what I perceive as unjust acts. I have a deep-seated hatred of establishments (including the established church), and you’d be shocked at how much of a motivator that can be.

I grew up in an environment that was very intentional in teaching me to identify injustice. Though I have radically departed from many of the teachings of my childhood, the part about fighting for others was something I learned at day one, and that bit has stuck around. For the most part, I grew up in an environment where everyone was on the same page about it.

And theeeeeeen I went to undergrad. Hello, Texas A&M. I hit campus as an 18 year old fully incapacitated by anxiety. I was the kind of person who didn’t-- in fact couldn’t-- speak in front of others. I had always lived my life in a way that minimized myself, because if I never spoke, if I never disagreed, if I never drew attention, I would never make anyone angry. I knew from experience that angry people hurt me, and I was afraid of pain.

Then I experienced the absolute shenaniganry of conservative Texans. The culture shock sent me to space and back, and on the return trip I decided that I couldn’t be quiet anymore.

I learned to speak my freshman year so that I could scream FUCK YOU. It was incredibly painful, and I can’t tell you exactly how I managed it other than I was angry, and I didn’t want to lose.

I fought a similar battle on my homefront against parents that didn’t know how to deal with a daughter that disagreed, or even worse, a daughter that wasn’t okay. I wasn’t a perfect child anymore. I knew I had anxiety, I knew I was depressed, and we all knew who I blamed for that. They hadn’t been the perfect parents they thought they were.

I found myself growing, little by little, into a person that could write and argue and hold her ground. That’s personal growth for sure, but it didn’t necessarily help my mental health. As a matter of fact, my health declined all through undergrad, and in my third and final year, I cracked.

I was desperate. I was isolated. I was flooded by fear and despair, and I was falling apart. I don’t remember huge chunks of undergrad because I was so depressed that the memories didn’t stick, but I do remember my tipping point.

It was something small. The ceiling fan in my bedroom was broken. The lighting chain worked fine, but if anyone pulled the fan chain, the whole thing would stop working. I mixed up which chain was which, pulled the wrong cord, and broke it for the fourth time.

For some reason, that was it. I lay down on my floor and cried for an hour, and while I did, my mind went to, as the kids say, a dark place. Finally, I called my mom and begged for psychiatric medication, something I had always been afraid to ask for. At the time, my parents believed that antidepressants were overprescribed, and they mocked parents that let their children take them.

At around the same time, I was deciding what to do with my life. I was about to graduate, and I had always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. Instead, everyone in my life pushed me towards law school. I didn’t know what to do, but I began fantasizing, not about going to law school exactly, but about being the kind of person that could go to law school.

I knew that law school would be entail public speaking and constant conflict and the kind of work that would be hard for a person who sometimes couldn’t leave her bed. I wanted to be someone who could do all of that, but I didn’t believe I was.

Enter Donald Trump. Post-November 2016, I struggled to understand how something like that could happen, and I watched everyone else deal with it too. I began confused, moved to distraught, then returned to what I always am: angry.

January 2017 was the inauguration and shortly afterwards, the “Muslim ban.” I read the news on my bedroom floor, and there was one specific part that stuck out to me. There were pictures of lawyers flooding the airports. There was a court case headed for SCOTUS.

I suddenly realized that one group-- one very select group-- was doing what I was powerless to accomplish. I hated establishments, and there was one group that could challenge and change them. Some people could fight in the way I wanted to, and those people were lawyers.

I have a very distinct memory of looking into the bathroom mirror of my third-year apartment and thinking, “I will be miserable for the rest of my life, no matter what I do or what career I pick. I might as well be a miserable lawyer.”

So I took my antidepressants and I went to law school. I’m not going to rehash everything that happened there in this particular post, because in this topic, I don’t think it matters. The relevant part is that I went, and I had my reason why.

Sure as hell can tell you that law school wasn’t good for my health. The last three years have been, in terms of sheer stress and despair, the worst of my life. I picked up a self-harm habit, endured consistent humiliation, cycled through six different antidepressants, had horrible relationships, and developed a psychotic disorder. Don’t get me wrong, there were good things too. I met people that are important me, and beyond that, I grew.

I know that 18 year old me would be absolutely flabbergasted by the woman I am now, cracks and flaws included. I wouldn’t say I’m healthy or okay, but I am more healthy and more okay. I’m coming out of this mess with the institutional power I wanted, and now I get to decide what to do with it.

I was wrong three years ago when I looked in that bathroom mirror. I know now that I won’t be miserable for the rest of my life. I’m going to be happy someday, and to the parts of me that say otherwise: fuck you. I’ve learned to say it now.

I graduated law school this week, and this month, I’ve felt better than I ever have before. I’m singing again, I dropped two medications, and suddenly, everything is so, so funny. I’ve been laughing so hard my face hurts the day after.

This is a huge turning point in my life, so I’ve been meditating on my past. I’ve come to the conclusion that in most of the ways that matter, I won. My family has been forced to accept what I am. I became the person I wanted to be, even though I thought I wasn’t capable of that.

I know for sure that there will be times in my life where I hit rock bottom again, and that’s not gonna be fun. It’s likely that with my mental health issues, I will always have to work harder than my peers to get the same results. That’s unfair.

I also know that high points exist, and I will have them. I am having them, and I will again.

I guess in recap, I know that I have deep flaws and ugly parts, but I am at peace with that. I know that I must help others, and in pursuit of that goal, I became a person I like more than the girl I used to be.

You have exactly the same potential. I want you to know that whatever you are now, that’s not your forever. Circumstances change, and you will change too. We’re human, you and I, and that’s an exciting thing to be.

Your worth comes from your humanity itself, both evil and good, not the things you do or the fights you win. You never have to compare yourself to others because you are exactly the same as everybody else-- no better, but certainly no worse. You’re a person. That’s enough.

I’m telling you all those things, and as advice, I’ll say this: get angry and fight. Fight for others. You can help them, and you should. Fight for yourself. You are worthy of respect, and everyone else should give it to you. Fight yourself. Any part of you that preaches despair is wrong.

Find the thing that makes you angry and use it. Things are fucked up! There’s a lot to be angry about. I put it this way to my classmates, now my attorney peers: you get one hill to die on. What’s your hill? Go and defend it.

Here’s an interesting thing, anon. Your hill can be yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re right. Five years is a lot, and all the years beyond that are more. Take your antidepressants and go.

#anyway here's a fucking autobiography I guess #let's see what to tag what to tag #religion #christianity #suicide #suicidal thoughts #suicidal ideation #asks #personal i guess #wait I thought of more #self harm #american politics #if the read more on this post doesn't work again I'm rioting #been having that glitch lately

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starpeace · 3 years

Note

perhaps one Din Djarin for the character ask? Also all your opinions on the other characters are extremely valid <3

my blog is just a scheme to trade opinions for validation so thank you for participating 💛 and for suggesting din! he’s so good

1: sexuality headcanon

hmm i guess bisexual? definitely would ship with both men and women

2: otp

i’m still on my din/cal nonsense and when we see cal kestis in the finale you’ll see. you’ll ALL see. no really i just think they’re neat and i will row this ship myself if i have to. my din/cal tag contains Good Content from talented people whose minds i have poisoned

3: brotp

i hope he has more screentime with boba and more good good mando solidarity. also just din with literally anyone who has kept their word with him. i just need people to be nice to him you know!! he’s straight up not having a good time

4: notp

din/ahsoka bad because ahsoka sucked in this show so you’d have to be real desperate. uhhh i can’t imagine any scenario where din being shipped with an imperial or ex-imperial would go well

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

still love the post i made abt how din is actually a nerd and loves learning things. that wasn’t a joke i stand by that. the niche language knowledge? the indepth knowledge of weaponry and ships including how to fix them himself? the attempt to teach his son science? he’s going to be one of those dads who’s very invested in his son’s learning and learns alongside him

6: favorite line from this character

“he means more to me than you will ever know.” who isn’t still losing their mind over this

7: one way in which I relate to this character

okay so i’m a christian and i know my experience is nothing like din’s, and i do try to avoid drawing comparisons because i’ve never experienced being part of a religious minority or one that functions in any way like din’s people. BUT it does mean a lot to me to see a character who’s so overtly religious and who has it actually affect his worldview rather than the usual very one-dimensional depictions of religion in fantasy/sci-fi worldbuilding. from both a personal and an audience perspective i just think that’s neat

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

not exactly secondhand embarrassment but secondhand anxiety. the scene where he has to take his helmet off hits SO hard it literally makes my skin crawl i feel so uncomfortable. i have never seen someone so visibly losing it without being able to say or do anything

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

he’s Good

#the mandalorian spoilers #din djarin #asks

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gascon-en-exil · 4 years

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I'm genuinely curious about your "Black Eagles most to least favourite" list.

Here you are.

#1: Hubert

Could there be any other? I remember back when there was a promo introducing the house retainers (well, Lorenz for the Deer) and everyone was saying that Hubert looked so obviously evil that there had to be some deeper explanation, that someone who took design cues from a two-dimensional villain like Fates’s Iago couldn’t possibly be Edelgard’s retainer. Then the game came out, and we all realized that Hubert was exactly as advertised and then some: a cold and calculating murderer and war criminal with his fingerprints all over almost every terrible thing that happens over the course of the story, as comfortable with chloroform and a razor as dark magic and down to perform unspeakable experiments on innocent civilians to turn them into war machines and then backstab his co-conspirators because he will suffer no rivals for his title of the Most Evil Man in Fòdlan. And yep, he looks like Dracula and Severus Snape had a one-night stand and their mpreg love child went to an anime convention...but when Ferdinand looks at Hubert he sees Mr. Darcy and the Phantom of the Opera and Edward Cullen/Christian Grey, and soon enough that snake in Hubert’s breeches will be singing quite the aria indeed. You do you, Ferdinand.

Ok, I’ve already rambled at length on Hubert’s bisexuality and the interesting things it reveals about both him and his two primary love interests, but I do also have to admire the sheer audacity both of Hubert as an incel/Nice Guy-flavored romantic false lead for Edelgard who never had a serious chance because of the self-insert fantasy and of the decision to follow that up with a trope-laden queer romance that perfectly counterbalances Hubert’s attraction to Edelgard and puts Ferdinand firmly in the place he was destined to occupy by choosing to side with the Empire. It’s nearly as outrageous as just how casually evil Hubert gets to be, as well as the immense potential for dark humor that lies with that. You have to bend over backwards to say that Hubert isn’t unapologetically, irredeemably evil, and if you try there will be significantly more fans just waiting to tell you that you’re wrong - myself included. He’s the Manfroy to Edelgard’s Arvis but so much than that, and I look forward to the point in the CF postgame where he effectively takes over the Empire in true evil chancellor fashion and unleashes the full extent of his horrors upon Fòdlan. He somehow got even better in the DLC too despite being absent from CS and getting no new supports, because the Abyssians in CF just can’t stop talking about his nefarious antics down there. I just can’t get enough of how good this guy is at being bad, and I love that FE gave us exactly what was advertised here.

#2: Ferdinand

Now here’s a case of the opposite, where what’s on the packaging didn’t prepare me for what was to come. If I remarked on Ferdinand at all during pre-release it was only to think that he might be part of a Christmas knight duo with Sylvain since the game looked like it wouldn’t have one of those. Early on there wasn’t much else to be said about Ferdinand; he was like Claude in that his popularity ran off a meme (except just the one rather than several), and in appearance and personality he was basically Lorenz with less ridiculous hair. But then came his supports, and his post-timeskip look, and suddenly Ferdinand blossomed into the subtext-laden fem with very bizarre taste in men - see above - that he could have only dreamed of being if he’d stuck to such well-trod ground as the Christmas knight archetype. We learn of his love for opera, his complicated relationship with his father, his worship of the hot mess diva Manuela and how he learned swordplay specifically to imitate her roles on the stage, and - yes - how some backhanded compliments and expensive gifts of tea turn him into a blushing Regency heroine. It all casts his unusually rote romances with women in a performative light (as opposed to Lorenz who is similarly performative but seems genuinely interested in the marriage market), to say nothing of his one-sided rivalry with Edelgard that brushes against jealousy over Hubert’s devotion to her more often than against romantic attraction to her, and that toys around with gendered behavior in a manner complementary to Edelgard’s own bucking of the gender status quo.

And while not to the same extent as Felix, I do appreciate that Ferdinand has two distinct arcs depending on the route - and unlike some who feel that one or the other detracts from his character as a whole I personally find that they complement each other well. In SS and if recruited to AM and VW he makes the hard choice to oppose his homeland, spending the timeskip waging a solitary battle against the Empire with his private militia and then joining back up with Byleth’s army at Garreg Mach because he knows Edelgard is in the wrong even as it pains him to depose the Adrestian emperor and leave his own status uncertain...not to mention fight Hubert, which merits a curious boss conversation as well as some extra lines in SS (plus the infamous Huge Hole™ remark that I will never stop referencing because it is hilarious) that, while not elevating Ferdibert anywhere near the level of Dimidue in terms of cross-route canon endorsement, nonetheless are suggestive of something deeper between them that exists even if they find themselves on opposite sides of a war. In CF by contrast Ferdinand gives into his craving for the title and holdings that Edelgard has just stripped from his father and embraces nationalism and his long-held ideal of what the office of the prime minister should to do as a means of justifying the Empire’s conquests. Of course in the process he also succumbs to Hubert’s, er, charms(?) and becomes the charismatic bureaucrat who is presumably saddled with the task of putting a positive spin on the Empire’s dystopian atrocities while Edelgard and Hubert do all the actual work...and Hubert does all the actual actual work, which includes a lot of murder and kidnapping and all manner of other things that he doesn’t share with his pretty lover and about which Ferdinand quickly learns not to ask. Two Jewels of the Empire, indeed.

#3-4: Edelgard and Dorothea

I go back and forth on these so I’m not going to bother putting them in a definitive order, particularly because I like them for very different reasons that are difficult to compare. For Edelgard, it would be most accurate to say that I enjoy her potential much more than her execution; she gets some meaty material to work with as a lord and as the driving antagonist of the whole game outside of CF, and while I still prefer Micaiah for female lords there’s something darkly satisfying about her need for control and domination and her utter refusal to compromise or remain stagnant...except where Byleth is concerned, and Edeleth drags her down so badly that it would be painful if I cared more about that type of strong female character. Had the game axed the self-insert obsession (even if that meant axing her bisexuality along with it) and focused on her experiences during the Insurrection as the source of her worldview and motivations I’d be inclined to like the final product far more, because that’s a hell of a lot more in line with what she actually does and conveniently also maps to the life of a real world ruler with whom I’m relatively familiar and whom history regards in appropriately ambivalent terms.

Dorothea on the other hand is someone I can relate to on a more personal level, mostly as a sex worker. She’s similar to Primrose from Octopath Traveler, both of them prostitutes and playing coy with the implications of the RPG dancer class archetype, although Primrose hits a few more of my buttons for being former nobility and being motivated by revenge. Then again, I fully understand Dorothea’s anxieties about growing old without a man to take care of her, even if she loses me (and Yuri picks up from where she leaves off) when she dips into lesbianism as an alternative option. She’s got her ups and downs for me - I love that she brings up incest kink with Caspar as opposed to this series’s usual outright incest, while I love less her strange Ferdinand supports that are suspended oddly between friendship and romance and...something else undefinable - and I don’t have much to say on her life as an opera diva except that it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that she’s been turning tricks on the side and even got a sugar daddy to pay her way into the academy. Theatre and sex work have always gone hand-in-hand like that.

#5-7: Linhardt, Caspar, and Petra

This is why I couldn’t make up a list like this for the Lions or Deer, because most of their students would be in big clumps like this. I have no strong opinions on any of these characters; they each have their moments, but not enough to elevate them to where I actively like them or drop them down into real dislike. I suppose you could say I’m disappointed by how Caspar and Linhardt are visual allusions to Ike/Soren who do absolutely nothing else with that similarity except eloping in their paired ending...which is preceded by virtually nothing in the way of real chemistry. If I enjoy them for anything in particular it’s Linhardt’s wit and Caspar’s occasional bouts of emotional vulnerability, like his mini-arc in AM where he has to deal with his feelings surrounding Randolph’s death and then later gets an apology from Dimitri for it.

Petra is awkward all around as the game dances around her delicate political situation, and I also happen to agree with the VA who (if I recall) thought the character should have some sort of accent but wasn’t allowed to do one. (If anyone is wondering, based on her last name and Brigid being an island nation I headcanon it as a Celtic-derived culture, but as with my personal reading of Dedue and Duscur I know that doesn’t play well to the fandom at large). All in all Petra feels like a more self-aware rendition of the exotic swordswoman archetype begun by Ayra in Jugdral, but there’s clearly still some work to be done on that front.

#8: Bernadetta

Ugh. With apologies to @capriciouscorvid for explaining how even unintentional disability representation can be taken as a positive, I just don’t see how Bernadetta’s character could possibly be considered a good thing when she’s so grating in almost all of her supports and most of her story and exploration presence outside of CF. All the screaming and high-pitched pronouncements of impending death get very old very quickly, and the part where she’s meant to be romantically appealing in her neediness and isolation is as lost on me as it would have been had it stemmed instead from a massive rack. Her supposedly sympathetic backstory doesn’t help much either, as it leaves me mostly with the thought that her father is an idiot because his methods obviously did not make her suitable to be a good wife. I also don’t care for how she’s one of several characters used to soften Jeritza (and that the way she does so is I think rather insulting to people with social anxiety, to liken it to a compulsion to commit murder), or even worse that people point to her Hubert support to try and say that he’s not such a bad guy and they’d be total besties just like Ferdinand and Dorothea (another pairing that doesn’t exactly scream BFFs). I mean, really....

#Fire Emblem #FE16 #Fire Emblem Three Houses #Black Eagles

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battleshell · 4 years

Text

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: @dansiere whom im care tagging: extremely informative meme for ppl who have lots of cross-over interactions, i encourage u to steal it from me anyway BUT @sternenteile @twelvians @stellamris @grandtales

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. [ he is a very, very minor NPC that i’ve essentially wrested from the game with my grubby hands; Gerson is a merchant NPC found in Waterfall, the third area of the game focused with water themes. he has less than 100 lines of dialogue (but jam-packed full of info) and doesn’t even have an overworld sprite. although noted to have a history with multiple major characters, it’s not often i’ve seen him be the main focus of any fanfics or art pieces. ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. [ put that faaaaaaaar away from me please tyty ]

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. [ i personally believe that Gerson is a strong and potentially powerful monster with fighting capability that could rival some of the stronger Monsters in the Underground due to his background as a fighter during the Human-Monster War, but since has waned in both reputation and fighting skill. we never fight him in game and as such, will never see how he compares numerically, but it’s clear from his dialogue that he knows how to fight professionally/cleverly and would have given a hard challenge. ]

Are they underrated? YES / NO / IDK. [ i mentioned before that Gerson has ties with lots of major characters - I hardly see it being put into action or talked about! i also have a soft spot for elder/older characters in general since they seem to be overlooked in favor for younger characters that carry the action of plots - which I understand and totally get, but I still like to put these characters out there for the sake of it ]

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. [ he was a funny merchant dude that said “wahaha” a whole bunch of times and carried a magnifying glass; sure he and Frisk would have been good friends after the golden ending but most people have forgotten about their interaction with Gerson once out of Waterfall ]

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. [ as one of the older if not oldest Monsters in the Underground, or from his reputation as the “Hammer of Justice” from wartime. he is also a historian and is noted to have written a few of the books in the Librarby. definitely known in the Underground, but probably only in that community ]

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ as mentioned before, a benefactor to the community and maybe even a sagely figure. a source of wisdom (even if cheeky) and a person of stability ]

How strictly do you follow canon? — ehhhhhhhhhh both extremely canon compliant and then hands off the wheel, let jesus drive me away~ i only have so much canon material to work with so i have milked as much as offered to me, then went off to forge my own path in order to patch up the missing holes then add a few sprinkles. the base of the character is all there, but if you really want to get invested with him (or me) then we have a lot to walk through.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — old tortoise (NOT TURTLE) guy sells knick-knacks and cracks jokes, knows everyone’s dirty secrets but thinks they’re just funny to think about them than use them. an elder in the community who has stories to tell and lessons to teach, who has lived through half of recorded history and now spends his time just trying to make things around him interesting. a war veteran who protects his community and understands the horror of the world, but keeps eyes looking into the future even in the face of grimness itself. plays the accordion and harmonica, could probably square dance if he knew what that was. will call you kiddo.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — little to no motivation to find a passion for himself that would benefit or service just himself; his entire sense of worth comes from servicing others in some way (being a soldier and protecting people; recording history in order to teach future generations; maintaining a shop in order to literally service others) and lack of action due to decrepitude in old age. close-minded compared to other Monsters, as he doesn’t actually take to think of humans or outsiders kindly; judgmental to the point of being racist. proud and dislikes being one-upped that it could lead to pettiness, and despite his positive outlooks, very pessimistic worldview.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — funfact: Gerson is my first tumblr RP muse ever, and since i was worried about duplicate anxiety when i first started i specifically wrote him since he was a smaller character with less attention - i’ve since learned i have no anxiety about it so it’s no longer a problem, but what keeps me going today is the challenge of writing someone so different from me. the elder aesthetic along with homely, almost cottagecore kind of vibe is also appealing, and the humor that comes with gerson is a joy to write out.

What keeps your inspiration going? — reading literature, music, artwork, pinterest, replaying the game, and doing little hobbies that would embody the character (collecting or sewing, for example) are things i can do by myself, but with other people i have the most drive when i can have friendly and nonpersonal arguments/debates about character motives or about source material like what made a character act like this or that, or about really anything as long as it makes me seriously think about characters critically and force me to recognize flaws.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? [ unfortunately i’m not a tortoise monster who lived for probably centuries if not decades older than myself, but i enjoy writing older characters and hope that other ppl see the potential gerson has like i do ]

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO / SORT OF? [ you know when you have a concept and in your own mind you can see it clearly, without fuzziness or confusion, but you can’t seem to put it clearly into words without it turning into an essay because you need to connect all the other points that’s in the single concept you envisioned? yea. ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO [ bro i should.. ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO [ hmu if you got pinterest and i’ll give u tons and tons of boards ]

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF? [ this is unfair to answer as (AFAIK) i am the only person writing Gerson in... any capacity. despite that i like to think i bring out the humorous side of him, and show ppl that he and other NPCs are tons of potentials and shouldn’t be overlooked because they aren’t popular ]

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO. [ i always believed my style and my skill in not only PSDs or aesthetics, but analysis or understanding was always a bit plain, without much flourish or complexity. while that is appealing on its own and has its own merits, i can’t help but feel i can always push myself to do a little more, add a little flavor, or paint an image that could only be done in writing. although i am doing enough to get the job done, i’m searching for a certain voice of writing that i like and want to integrate into creative writing in order to make it more personalized and more engaging. ]

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO. / SORTA. [ i despise pussyfooting and will often tell ppl straight up if i have a problem with them or something about them; straightforwardness, honesty, and integrity are some of my core values and that includes being harsh if it comes to it in order to keep order ]

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — assuming it’s rooted in goodwill or from a point of analysis, absolutely! it’s one of the direct sources for growth and getting better at any craft, but as Tumblr loves to be.... jumpy, i’m always cautious when its not from someone i know.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — YEA BUDDYYYYY

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — absolutely, i thrive off friendly discourse as i mentioned.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — if we don’t discuss it as above, in lit any other case i’d say “well there are other blogs to follow” but since i’m like 99% sure i’m the only gerson blog that isn’t applicable lmao; the point still stands that everyone has the freedom to write a character as they wish. there are valid reasons to dislike a portayal but not a lot of valid reasons to attack someone for it - with the exception of ppl being gross. stop that, nasty.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — strangely. it’s not my job to make people like a character, you either like them or not. if you dislike them for unreasonable points then, to leave in the previous response, “clowns will be clowns, no matter what you do. I just don’t get why you would follow someone if you hate their character to begin with.”

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — of course, as long as it’s polite and all that jazz!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — depends on the meaning - i like making new friends and i find it easy to talk to new people, be it about roleplay or other things like organizing video game play sessions. however, i also have on multiple occasions have approached ppl privately saying “this is annoying/this is problematic/this is inappropriate, stop” and been met with general disdain for voicing such so Who Knows..... (tm). at least on a private level. here, publicly, i’m pretty relaxed! memes and jokes are abound. as long as a person can be mature and responsible for their actions we can vibe, yo.

#definitely plan to link this in rules or something #as a guide for newcomers #what a nice meme!#* verbatim ⟐ meme.

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anistarrose · 5 years

Text

Don’t Hang Up Yet, I’m Not Done (TAZ Balance AU)

Summary: Tres Horny Boys have the Red Robe’s phone number, continued. This time, Merle and Taako make some calls.

Warnings: Dissociation

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18979621/chapters/45066238

A sequel to this fic, which was in turn inspired by this art by @mspainttaz!

***

The next call Barry gets is in the late afternoon several weeks later, and once again, something tells him exactly who’s going to be on the other end of the line before he even moves to pick it up.

(Then again, it’s barely been an hour since he gave Merle that cryptic nod, so it’s not exactly difficult to guess the reason for the call.)

“You saved my kids,” Merle whispers, sounding dumbstruck even now. “Why?”

“I — I just — why wouldn’t I? I had the power to stop innocent people from getting hurt. Of course I saved them.”

“Well, that’s real altruistic of you,” Merle murmurs. Bit by bit, his normal enthusiasm creeps back into his voice as he continues: “Not sure how you’re supposed to reconcile that worldview with making the Relics, though. Too bad I can’t cast Zone of Truth over the stone, ha!”

“Yeah, it’s a real shame,” Barry replies. “Anyways, you need to teach your kids to be more careful. Odds are I won’t be around during the next… freak accident.”

“Yeah, their passive perception stinks,” Merle agrees with a sad laugh. “Or at least Mookie’s does, as much as I love the little fireball. Mavis is a bright little thing when she’s not busy looking after her brother — she reads at a college level, you know! Probably gonna make a hell of a wizard one day!”

“Give it to me like you would under Zone of Truth, Merle — did you call me just to brag about your kids?”

“Don’t tell my boss,” Merle answers in a hushed whisper. “I’ll get my employee phone plan revoked!”

Barry struggles to stifle a laugh. “Merle Hightower Highchurch, calling up the enemy to have a friendly chat? What would the Director think?”

Merle laughs too, the irony lost on him. “You know, you’re a much better conversationalist today than you were the first couple times we met. What’s up with that?”

“Uh… I dunno, social anxiety? How’s life on the moon treating you?”

“It’s got its perks. Apparently the gravity is low enough up there that my spinal cord decompressed, so now I’m a millimeter taller — and trust me, I know it doesn’t sound like much, but we dwarves have to take what we can get!”

“I can imagine.” An idea occurs to Barry — it’s a long shot, but worth a try. “How about the gnomes — are there any gnomes up there? How are they doing with the gravity situation?”

“Well, Leon doesn’t ‘like’ me or ‘the crew I hang with’ so I don’t really talk to him. And Davenport, well…”

Barry very nearly short-circuits his Stone of Farspeech as sparks of magic course through his form and down his sleeves. “What about Davenport? How is he?”

There’s a pause on the other end of the line, and Barry gets a bad feeling that he came across as a little too invested in Davenport’s well-being.

His fears are confirmed when Merle asks: “What, do you know him?”

“Just heard the name in passing,” Barry lies. “Never met him, but most names from the Bureau that I hear in passing end up belonging to pretty important people. What’s his — what does he do for your operation up there?”

“You know, I’ve never really thought about it before, but — if we could make this our little ‘Truth Zone’ here, for just a second — I’m not really sure why Lucretia hired him in the first place. All he can say is his own name, and he always seems kinda anxious about one thing or another — again, I never know what, since he can’t really talk.”

Barry doesn’t know how to reply.

“Damn good at cards, though! You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find a good game of yooker these days — or even chess, for that matter. You play either?”

“No.” Barry’s pretty sure that Merle and Davenport are the only people in the planar-verse who know how to play the game they’ve dubbed “yooker.” And he doesn’t even want to think about that chess remark.

“Darn. Well, I should probably get going — I can’t miss karaoke night with the boys. We’ve been trying all month to get Lucretia to join us, and she finally let it slip that she hasn’t got anything going on this evening!”

“Oh. Well, uh… don’t let me keep you from that, then. Nice talking to you.”

After he switches his stone off, Barry adds in a whisper: “Wish I could join you.”

***

“Sup, Little Red Riding Robe?”

“Don’t call me that,” the Red Robe groans. From the other end of the line, Taako hears the faint rustling of papers — his call must have interrupted something. He doesn’t feel too bad about it, though.

“What, would you rather be the Big Bad Wolf?” Taako asks. “I thought I was doing you a solid and painting you in a sympathetic light!”

“You know what, fine. Little Red Riding Robe it is,” the Red Robe replies. The hostility in his voice begins to dissipate as he goes on. “Tell me, Taako — is this just another prank call?”

Taako chuckles. “Oh, you wish. See, I stumbled across a piece of info that might just interest you…”

He pauses, waiting to see how the Red Robe reacts, but he’s met with silence.

“I’ve got your number, Riding Robe, idiomatically and literally. So this afternoon I took a quick vacay to the Stone of Farspeech service provider’s offices, cast a few Charm Person spells, and figured out just what name that number was registered to. Pretty clever, huh?”

It might just be Taako’s imagination, but it feels like the silence grows a little more tense.

“Now tell me, who’s this Sildar Hallwinter guy?” he asks. “Is that an alias, or did you just mug a dude and take his phone?”

The Red Robe chuckles. “Huh. That’s some genuinely impressive sleuthing — then again, I should’ve expected as much from you, Taako.”

“Well, uh, to tell you the truth… it was technically Angus’s idea — you ever hear about him? The boy detective? Little snoop was going through my dresser and found the paper I jotted down your number on, and dragged me into this quest to track down your true identity.”

“And does he think this case has been cracked wide open by this new info?”

“No. He’s pretty sure Hallwinter isn’t your real name — and don’t tell him I said this, but I trust him on that one-hundred percent. He’s pretty good with this stuff.”

“What did you really call me about if you’re so sure, then?”

What if she’s just gone?

“Well, I —”

Who?

“I…”

I can’t remember her face, Taako!

Whose face?!

Please, Taako, just kill me!

“Taako? Taako, are you with me?”

He doesn’t feel like he’s with anyone. Even lying on his bed, beneath a pile of heavy blankets he doesn’t remember arranging, he still can’t stop shivering. He’s so cold, and so, so alone.

He clutches the Umbra Staff close to his chest, close to his heart. It’s the only warm thing he can feel.

“Please, Taako, can you say something?” the disembodied voice continues. It sounds like it’s trying very hard to stay calm, and mostly succeeding. “Tell me what’s happening? I have Merle and Magnus’s numbers — I can call them if you need someone to come help —”

It also sounds very familiar, but trying to place it makes Taako feel like he’s teetering over the edge of a void, about to lose his balance and plunge into darkness.

“W-who is this?”

“It’s me, Taako, it’s… it’s the Red Robe.”

Taako’s eyes finally land on the Stone of Farspeech at the corner of his bed, and hesitantly extends a hand towards it. It’s not quite as warm as the Umbra Staff — but it’s certainly not cold, either. He pulls it closer, wrapping his fingers around it.

The Red Robe lets out a short, sad chuckle, which the speaker garbles a little bit. “There are some who call me Little Red Riding Robe. Or Sildar Hallwinter.”

“Sh-shit.” Their earlier conversation returns to Taako quickly, as he tries to sit up in bed. His teeth are still chattering slightly when he tries to speak. “I — I dunno what just happened. I just b-blacked out —”

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. It’s not your fault.” There’s a pause. “Hey, do you think you can you tell me a little more about Angus? He seems like a bright kid —”

“He is. B-been picking up magic real fast too. He’s a nosy little shit who never stops asking questions to all two dozen of his adoptive moon parents and I’m so glad Lucretia hired him.”

“He was right about Sildar Hallwinter being an alias, you know. Did he say what tipped him off?”

“He’s got contacts in the police force planetside like you wouldn’t believe. There was hardly anything in any of their files about Sildar, so we talked to Johann and he told us that name never got fed to the Voidfish. From there, Angus just figured that no real person would have that little info about them floating around.”

“Huh. That makes sense. Did Merle and Magnus come along for this adventure, or was it just the two of you?”

“Nah, Magnus was hanging with Carey and Merle was napping. I could hear him snoring from a room away.”

“What about the Director? I’m assuming you didn’t mention this to her?”

“Oh, hell no. She’d throw us straight in the brig if she ever learned how long we’ve had your number without telling her.”

“Yeah, I figured. I trust Merle and Magnus are doing well?”

“Yeah, they’re… well, actually… okay, look. I probably shouldn’t be telling you of all people about this, but something’s been off about Magnus lately. I thought I was imagining it at first, but now I’m pretty sure he’s trying to avoid the Director — which is actually kinda hard these days, since she’s been overseeing our training more and more. And he’s been really awkward around Johann, too. I’ve never seen him like this, and… I’m kinda worried.”

The Red Robe goes silent for a moment. “Well… what happened in Refuge must have been hard on him. I’m sure he’ll feel better soon.”

“Yeah, yeah. He’s pretty tough…” Part of Taako feels guilty for revealing so much to the Red Robe, but part of him doesn’t want to hang up. Magnus and Merle are already fast asleep — what if he blacks out again, and no one’s on the phone to talk him out of it?

Then again… is that what the Red Robe is aiming for? To gain Taako’s trust, and act so supportive that Taako can’t help but reveal sensitive information during a late-night, emotionally vulnerable ramble?

No, Barry wouldn’t do that. If he wants information, it’s just because he’s worried about you.

“Well, this has been a great chat, Riding Robe,” Taako says with an exaggerated yawn. “But I’ve got to get to bed. You never know if tomorrow will end up being a long day of saving the world.”

“You do that,” the Red Robe tells him. “And remember, you can always call me back if you need to.”

“I’ll keep it in mind. G’night.”

***

Magnus’s body is gone, and it’s Barry’s fault.

(Strictly speaking, it’s the fault of the Animus Bell. It taunts him even now, tucked safely away in the possession of the Reclaimers, calling to him and promising to ensure his family survives when the Hunger comes. To bring Lup back from whatever worse-than-undeath fate she met. But Barry recognizes enough of his own voice in his Relic to know that it’s lying.)

Barry made the bell, he put it out into a world that was not his own, and both that world and his family paid dearly.

I’m going to find a way to get your body back, Magnus. I promise.

“I think we deserve some answers from you,” Magnus slowly declares, still holding his detached mannequin arm in his remaining hand. Surprisingly, he doesn’t seem angry — just tired.

Oh Magnus, you don’t know the half of it, Barry thinks. He doesn’t say anything, but he nods to Magnus and then holds out his hand, creating an illusory Stone of Farspeech in his skeletal palm.

And one by one, without exchanging any words between each other, the three Reclaimers hand their stones over — first Magnus, slowly and solemnly; then Merle, with a guilty look on his face; and finally Taako, hesitant as he begins to raise his hand but resolute by the time he plucks the stone from his ear.

Barry flicks his hand, and the devices shatter.

“I’ll buy you new ones soon,” he promises. “But let’s get you those answers first.”

#taz #taz balance #barry bluejeans #merle highchurch #taako taaco #magnus burnsides #taz balance spoilers #rosalia writes fic

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arlingtonpark · 4 years

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SNK 125 Review

The only problem with this analogy is that being a snake implies a sort of sly smoothness, and, fun fact, Floch’s skin is made of sandpaper.

So Armin is basically the audience at this point. Everyone is tearing their hair out at the prospect of this or that happening. Armin is freaking out because now everything is happening.

That’s -1 for the fan theory of everyone teaming up to take down Eren. Armin isn’t even considering it; he’s just trying to do what he thinks he can. In general, everyone is in “picking up the pieces” mode. That Eren will succeed has essentially been accepted as a given.

Who could even rally the troops?

Armin is busy with Gabi. Shadis refuses to lead. No one even knows where Historia is. Hange is looking after Levi.

The only one in a position to step up is Jean, which is probably why he was especially in the spotlight this chapter. We’ll probably be seeing more of him next couple of chapters.

Jean character arc this whole series has been about leadership. He started as an asshole who didn’t give a damn, evolved into a guy who cared, then into a guy who increasingly led people who also cared.

Jean has taken on more and more leadership roles, usually because his superiors keep dying. Basically Paradis’ entire leadership was killed last chapter, so you know what that means: time for Jean to take on the ultimate leadership position and overthrow Floch.

It’s about time their relationship came to a head. Floch’s radicalism has grated against Jean for a while now. Jean cares about people. It’s why he fights. Floch fights too, but he doesn’t care about people. That’s why he grates so much on jean.

Floch is motivated by, in a phrase, identity politics. It’s not about helping your country or serving some higher good. It’s about your race.

Floch does offer to accept the volunteers as Eldians, but that highlights the BS that underlies his worldview. Being an Eldian may be a matter of blood relation, and Floch may preach the Eldians vs the world gospel, but in the end, its culture that determines who’s on who’s side. According to Floch, the non-Eldians can become Eldians by rejecting their prior identity as non-Eldian.

Thus, Floch is one of the final villains.

Like Zeke and the Marleyans, he rejects people because of their identity. Zeke and the Marleyans reject the Eldians for being Eldians. Floch is the same, except he rejects people for not being Eldians.

What’s interesting is what this means for Eren.

Zeke, the Marleyans, and Floch want to kill many, many people for the same reason: because of what they did in the past.

Zeke wants to kill Eldians because of the suffering Eldians have brought to the world.

Floch was fine with killing Marleyan citizens indiscriminately because of what Marleyans did to Paradis.

Marleyans are cool with killing Eldians because of Eldians did to their ancestors.

Eren is slightly different, and this marks a subtle shift in his thinking.

Eren used to be motivated by revenge. He wanted to avenge his mother and the memory of his happy childhood. It was past actions by the enemy that drove him, like with Zeke and Floch. That’s not so much the case anymore.

Now, Eren is more motivated by prospective future actions by his enemies than what they did before. How they’ve acted before informs his conclusions about how they’ll act in the future, but they are not the primary motivator for him.

So here’s the million dollar question: as far as the series is concerned, is this distinction meaningful?

This is a question about what the series will choose to emphasize, more than anything else.

If the series emphasizes the wrongfulness of genocide above all else, then Eren will be condemned by the story as all the others. He may take a (relatively) more “noble” viewpoint because he’s doing this to protect his friends from people who show no sign of letting them live, but he’s still killing people all the same.

If, unfortunately, tragically, sickeningly, the series decided to emphasize Eren’s motives over what he’s doing, then Eren could still be awarded some sympathy points. That would be awful.

There are no sympathetic mass murderers. There are no excuses. “He’s doing it for his friends” is a form of excuse-making.

Attack on Titan clearly thinks genocide is awful. That doesn’t mean the series isn’t about to equivocate.

The only time it’s good to focus on the motives of bad actions is when you’re trying to figure out a solution to that behavior. Attack on Titan hasn’t really proposed any solutions.

Would this war have happened if everyone just thought like Mr. Blouse and forgiveness was necessary for the kid’s sake?

No.

This fight is happening because of animosity over past actions, but also because of Eren’s warmongering, Zeke’s machinations, Marley’s quest for resources, and anxiety in Marley about losing their superpower status.

We got to where we are today because the incentives pushed everyone in that direction. This combination of circumstances mixed with this combination of personalities is what got us here.

If the facts had been different, then maybe things would have turned out differently, but it didn’t, so here we are.

Will the series just shrug its shoulders and leave us with a final message of “sometimes bad shit happens?”

Probably not. This story is about fighting even in spite of bleak situations. And ending that leaves us with everyone picking up the pieces would just be the series doing what it’s always done, flaws and all.

I’ve already talked about how flawed it is to say, as this series apparently does, that people are just prone to infighting.

People may act out of self-interest, but that is not the same thing as selfishness, and people may come into conflict with each other, but that is not the same thing as war.

An ending where Paradis repopulates a rumbled world, and maybe some final words about how conflict will arise again once the population becomes large and varied enough, would be a flawed ending, but still better than one that even hinted at Eren being more than a deranged lunatic.

Can’t We All Just Get Along is not a real solution to this conflict.

Something I considered when the last chapter came out was that the rumbling, after all this build up, would actually be a background event. That’s looking more likely now.

Everyone is already thinking ahead to a post-rumbling world. Eren hasn’t destroyed an acre yet and everyone is already jockeying for the scraps.

Armin’s top concern is winning over Gabi and preparing for a confrontation with Pieck and Magath.

It’s gone unstated, but Connie bringing his mother back now only makes sense if he assumes Paradis will be safe.

Floch is working extra hard to eliminate potential dissenters.

The only person who’s game to take on Eren is Gabi and she’s sidetracked rescuing Falco.

If everyone is convinced Eren can’t be stopped then…yeah, no one will stop him.

Making the rumbling a sideshow after all this anticipation is definitely something Isayama would do. This series revels in doing the unexpected and making it work.

While Eren lumbers about crushing everything, the ants will flail around. There’s enough dramatic potential in that to last the rest of the series.

Really stop and think about what Floch is up to this chapter.

Remember, Eren is about to wipe out all the other nations, leaving only Paradis to claim all the leftover land.

Floch is jockeying to rule Paradis.

So he’s not jockeying to be Floch Forster, King of Paradis; he’s jockeying to be Floch Forster, King of the World!

If Floch takes over Paradis, he will essentially rule the Earth.

Eren will be dead one way or another within a couple of years, so Floch is all that’s left to lead the island. This story could very well end with Floch planting his dumb ass on the throne and Jean is the only one who can fucking stop that from happening.

Thanks, Chadren! Wiping out your enemies and letting Floch inherit the Earth? Brilliant tactical maneuver, that!

Okay, so maybe Floch isn’t dumb. He’s an ass, but he’s not that stupid.

He tried to use fear to eliminate the volunteers as a threat. He killed one of their own as an example and he’s making a show of offering an olive branch to the rest to pacify them.

But his tactics with Jean are different. Floch knows Jean is tired of all the fighting, so he’s using that against him. He’s banking on Jean wanting to hang it up rather than question the murder that happened right in front of him.

In Trost, Stohess, against Reiner and Bertolt, in the uprising, Shighanshina, and Liberio, Jean’s fought hard, but it’s just been battle after battle after battle after battle.

He wanted to live it up in the interior because he wanted to know peace. He’s not as hedonistic as he was before because he knows that’s wrong, and he fights anyway because he knows that’s right, but still, he wants to know peace.

He wants to settle down. Maybe not live the big life, but definitely the quiet life.

This is Floch’s temptation. Ignore my murder spree and you can live happily for the rest of your life.

Will it work?

I think that answer has a lot to do with what you think will happen with Connie. A tragic ending where everyone gives in to their worst impulses at the worst time possible is definitely on the table.

Eren gives in to his zealotry.

Connie kills a kid to bring back his mom.

Jean just gives up and retires.

Even Shadis decides the life of a woodland freedom fighter isn’t for him and he’s just going to let Floch have his way with him.

Mikasa’s flaw is apparently that she can’t think for herself and that can easily become a problem.

I like how the series draws a line between surrendering and retreating tactically withdrawing retreating. We’re seeing a real possibility that things just go back to how they were at the start of the series: everyone living in willful ignorance of the injustice around them.

Floch’s whole pitch to Jean is that Jean simply pretend the bad things aren’t real and live his life blissfully ignorant.

Shadis takes it as a given that monsters will rule over them again, except the monsters are Floch and the Yeagerists. He tells his men to obey for now, but to prepare for a future struggle.

Floch is telling Jean to surrender; Shadis is telling his men to retreat.

The series may harp too much on necessary sacrifices, but a corollary to that is the series not supporting purely symbolic gestures.

Zeke was actually on to something there. Erwin’s suicide charge would have been an empty, arguably pointless gesture if it wasn’t actually part of a bigger plan.

Senseless sacrifices aren’t good, but I honestly hope everyone doesn’t back down from challenging Floch. It may look bad, but the best chance they’ll get to take him down is now. Floch hasn’t consolidated his power yet. They need to strike before that; it’ll only get harder as time goes on.

Lucky for them there’s an opening.

Eren had popular support before, but now the people are pissed because Eren is giving them exactly what they wanted. The rumbling has caused some incidental loss of life and property damage, and Eren’s approval rating isn’t as hot as it used to be.

The anti-Yeagerists could rally these people against Floch. They’re a small minority, but having any level of passionate support will help.

There would almost certainly be a civil war on Paradis, but it may be necessary to avoid a world where Floch is King.

…How many chapters are left in this story? Less than 12?

Connie’s segment was very straightforward this month. He wants to bring his mother back, but deep down he knows he’s doing it wrong.

He’s sacrificing a kid to bring back his mother. Mr. Blouse makes a good point. Connie is too nice of a person to go through with that. He’s already showing signs of desperation.

Becoming a good soldier was a goal of his, now he’s using the veneer of that ideal to rationalize Falco’s murder. He’s deluding himself.

He’s not a killer, he’s a soldier who protects people.

Throwing away Falco’s life will revive his mother, but really Connie is doing this for himself. Killing Falco and bringing back his mother is ultimately about restoring his life to some semblance of what it was, not anyone else’s.

Connie knows this on some level, so he resorts to this soldier talk to justify it. He’s a good soldier who protects people. “People,” implicitly, is limited to people he cares about.

Once again, parallels to Eren are everywhere.

Eren just wants to protect the people he cares about. Paradis is tied to the tracks and a train is about to run them over. Eren’s plan to stop the train is to throw a billion people into its path.

He’s sacrificing innocents to save people he cares about.

“He” here refers to both Connie and Eren.

Connie is depicted as delusional. He’s tricking himself with false justifications and putting on airs of nobility.

If the parallel is intentional, then Eren is doing the same. He’s delusional, tricking himself with false justifications, putting on airs of nobility.

CC: all the Eren stans.

Hopefully I’m not seeing things and this is a real thing Isayama is doing. Giving Eren as much sympathy as Connie is getting here would be appropriate.

I guess I should talk about Annie, but honestly I don’t care to.

Annie is in a weird place, fandom-wise. Her own supposed importance to the story is essentially a meme.

Really, there are two Annies: the real Annie, who isn’t important as a character, and the fake Annie the fans have concocted, who will play a key role story’s resolution.

Like everyone else, Annie isn’t concerned with taking down Eren. She just wants to make it to her father, implicitly so she can die alongside him.

Paradis is the only safe haven now that the rumbling has started. Annie is choosing to leave that sanctuary on the chance she’ll make it to her father before they’re both killed.

That’s how much she loves her father. She promised she’d live long enough to see him again.

Mission accomplished.

Annie made for a compelling character during her arc. She was the first enemy titan shifter our heroes directly fought. Her existence teased many secrets about the setting.

But that’s all she was, a tease. Her character was used to inform us of the existence of secrets to uncover, but she herself was never that important.

Annie was a tool to be used by the Marleyans and she gave herself over to that role in the hopes of making it back to her father.

I don’t think Annie will play a major role in the finale. She doesn’t care about Floch’s machinations, nor about taking down Eren, and does she even remember Connie?

Annie’s not going to give up on seeing her father. Seeing him again is how she rationalizes genocide. She can’t give up on it. If she does, she admits she killed all those people for nothing.

So she’ll try to make it to Liberio before Eren does, and she’ll fail, of course, because this is Attack on Titan, where dreams don’t come true unless they’re bloody awful.

#shingeki no kyogin #attack on titan #snk 125

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anais-mitchell · 5 years

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hadestown 7/3/19

Here are my extremely extra, barely coherent, thoughts on seeing Hadestown live on a song by song basis! Nobody asked for this and it took forever but I’m nothing if not embarrassingly extra.

Road to Hell: The way they walk onstage with zero fanfare is just amazing. Andre took like 30 seconds to start the song, he looked out at the audience and unbuttoned his coat and it was sooo funny. He owned this song as always, the energy was so high and the audience was having the best time! One detail I loved was when Hermes introduced Orpheus, Persephone looked so proud like “that’s m’boy.” Then he waved his hand super excitedly and it was the cutestt.

Any Way the Wind Blows: First of all, Orpheus is watching Eurydice in awe during this whole song. When she says “anybody got a match?” he starts frantically rifling through his pockets for one before she gets one from Hermes. Eva portrays Eurydice’s scrappy, emotionally guarded nature so well during this song, you can really feel how rough her life has been and why she’d be hesitant to trust someone like Orpheus with her heart. When she first lights her candle, Clotho blows it out immediately and gets such a vicious joy from it. The next time Eurydice lights it, she cups her hands around it and glares at Clotho which was SO GOOD.

Come Home With Me: This works way better live than in audios and is 10x better than the previews version. The audience cracks up after “cOmE hOmE wItH mE.” Also, before he goes over to her he’s trying to craft a paper flower for her (which she looks at like “wtf is this.”) It’s clear Eurydice isn’t really taking him seriously but is still intrigued, and she’s having a good time with him so why not humor him? Also Reeve’s movements as Orpheus are super fast and jerky which just makes the awkward humor even better.

Wedding Song: AHH SO FLIRTY AND FUN. You can tell they really challenge each other with their polar opposite worldviews. When Eurydice says “you wanna take me home?” she flashes her shoulder under her coat and poses dramatically which is the most Eva thing I’ve ever seen. The turning point comes hard when Orpheus sings his song and procures the rose, and Eurydice’s admiration and wonder are so real it hurts my heart. Also the way Orpheus perks up at “when we’re wed” kills me. Eva went up on “and the trees gonna lay the wedding table” which I like better than taking it down.

Epic I: Amber looks absolutely radiant when she stands up and stares out in the middle of the song, that is all. But Reeve sounded lovely and the staging wasn’t what I expected, I always thought he was sitting during this number.

Livin’ It Up On Top: The Biggest Bop To Ever Bop. Everyone is so excited to see Persephone and she is So Drunk. I’ve heard the kiss goodbye to Hades is often different show-to-show; at my show, she kissed him on the cheek and he didn’t really look up at all. Then when she was towards the stairs she looked back to see if he would be looking at her and he wasn’t so she looked pissed before descending. Amber’s energy and dancing are on fire during this number, it really just has to be seen. Before Eurydice was pushed into dancing by Persephone, she was chatting with John’s character and it was really cute. Also ORPHEUS’S TOAST!!! It’s such a sobering moment in the middle of the party and everyone can find some truth in it in their life. But right after, the music springs back to life SO LOUDLY and made me ridiculously happy. What a fun number.

All I’ve Ever Known: SOFT SOFT SOFT SOFT. Eurydice’s vulnerability throughout this song and Orpheus’s constant reassurement of how much he loves her,,, chef’s kiss especially considering how the plot develops after. When Orpheus begins his part, Eurydice is turned away from him and when he sings “who am I that I should get to hold you?” she does a tiny head shake like she’s not deserving of it :(( but then when he sings his next line she turns around and starts singing with him. The interlude is so beautifully choreographed and intimate (but #EurydiceTops) and the ending + the kiss just melt my heart. They continue kissing into the train whistle for WDH. OH ALSO!! Persephone is off to the side watching them for the whole song with a very bittersweetly romantic expression… she’s definitely thinking about when she and Hades were young and in love like that…

Way Down Hadestown: Everyone’s reaction to this song starting is so fucking funny, Hermes and the Fates look so excited for the Drama™️, Persephone is pissed and needs a goddamn drink, and Orphydice just want everyone to go tf away so they can cuddle. (Seriously though Orpheus and Eurydice are so ridiculously cute in the background of this number) I’m obsessed with Amber’s bent over exorcism dance and her energy throughout the song, it’s such a last hurrah for Persephone above ground and she’s going to make the most of it damnit. Eurydice’s curiosity grows throughout the song and she starts drifting away from Orpheus until Hades’ entrance, and his entrance is SO COOL. As annoyed as Seph is to go back under, you can see a glimmer of excitement at seeing Hades again especially since she doesn’t realize how much he’s changed Hadestown. The ending of the song is so good and Eva’s belting kills me.

A Gathering Storm: Orpheus and Eurydice are staring up into the audience at the “storm” which adds a really cool ominous effect. What was even more ominous was all the ensemble finding different exits from the stage (I was mostly watching John who exited through Hades’ balcony door, but they all used a different one) and backing off the stage completely dead eyed. Definitely a nice visual symbol of them becoming the workers. Eva conveyed Eurydice’s fear and anxiety so well, especially with the Fates bringing back the “wind comes up” motif; the return of this motif, especially after Eurydice’s vulnerability during All I’ve Ever Known, is a great manifestation of Eurydice’s doubt in her decision and her security with Orpheus.

Epic II: Reeve’s voice Big Pretty. I love the staging of this Epic with Orpheus all alone on stage, it’s hard not to believe in the power of his song once the music picks up with “king of mortar.” I also really love how the workers come up as a visual representation of the evolution of Hadestown. + the transition to Chant makes me NUT.

Chant: Seph’s look of absolute disgust as she enters Hadestown is soo good and I LOVE the workers choreo. One thing that really surprised me was that while Amber brought a lot of anger to Persephone, there was also so much sadness? Especially when she was listening to Hades justifying his actions, it was like a devastated horror and despair rather than unflinching anger. (Also her mic went out a tiny bit during her lines but it’s barely noticeable listening back to it) Orpheus is so in his own world during his bits and we are ALL Hermes yelling at him to “look up!” The most iconique part of the song though is 100% “the gods have forgotten the song of their love” where everything stops and Persephone rips her hand away from Hades and then Orpheus goes right back in with the la la las. As for Eurydice’s verses, Eva’s vocals may not have been as strong as they could be but her acting killed me. You really got the sense that she wanted to believe in Orpheus, she wanted to believe that she could be optimistic like him but the world was dragging her down into her jaded ways. The Fates were so vindictive grabbing her bag/jacket and she was crying when she fell on the floor :((

Hey Little Songbird: My mom as soon as this song started: “Did he win a Tony?” I really didn’t get predatory vibes from this which I liked as a directorial choice, it was a lot more like Hades was just laying the offer out and not like he had underlying sexual motives. (That being said... the way he skulks around stage... Big Hot) My favorite dumb detail in this number though was definitely how after “they’ll take you down, they’ll pick you clean” the Fates lined up and gave Eurydice a little wave with the most sinister smiles on their faces.

When the Chips Are Down: This song starts with Hades walking offstage and leaving Eurydice alone (except for the Fates and Hermes as the narrator) to consider his offer, and she’s standing at the front of the stage in the same pose from the Tonys performance with the two coins in her hand. Eurydice seems extremely overwhelmed and emotionally tortured by the Fates; they taunt her by twirling her around and pretending to include her in their dances which distresses her a lot. But you can tell that they’re just confirming what she’s already thinking. And man are the Fates GLORIOUS. They’re so much fun and their harmonies are incredible. I still can’t believe Jewelle Blackman just exists with a voice like That... HOW.

Gone, I’m Gone: Eva sang this a lot differently than I’ve heard in usual audios? It was still excellent but I guess she was just trying some new things with it. (Not to harp about how much I love Eva but her acting is just so fluid and adaptable depending on what she’s feeling that performance, no two performances are the same with her for sure) She was so heartbroken but also very resolute :((

Wait for Me: STUNNING SHOWSTOPPING BEAUTIFUL PERFECT NEVER SEEN BEFORE NEVER THE SAME- Yeah this was good. Orpheus’ pure panic at seeing Eurydice gone and how he immediately throws himself into rescuing her THAT’S LOVE BITCH. When the workers start rotating on stage during “how to get to Hadestown” their lights are shining straight out into the audience and it makes you feel like you really are a part of the number. Not going to harp on the staging too much considering we’ve all seen the Tonys performance but the swinging lights took my breath away and when the stage opens up with his la la las and the lights of Hadestown shine so brightly and the workers are staring up in awe? (Hadestown absolutely deserved best set design don’t @ me) The best moment in the whole show. All the fuss about this number is so justified. It’s utterly incredible.

Why We Build the Wall: The staging of this is so simple yet so effective. The workers stand up ramrod straight and resume their dead eyed look as soon as Hades (and Persephone) enter the stage. This song hits so hard in 2019 and I’m so grateful it exists. Tbh though I COULD NOT take my eyes off of Amber the whole song, well at least until Eva ascended lol. Her barely masked horror and despair are so well conveyed yet she has to sing this song she couldn’t believe in less. After seeing it live, I much prefer the lack of a Eurydice solo- in this version, Eurydice doesn’t sing at all until the final line, rather just taking in the entirety of Hadestown wide-eyed and almost scared until she assimilates. It doesn’t really fit this characterization of Eurydice for her to have already internalized the mantra of the workers and I much prefer seeing Eva’s face journey up until she reluctantly sings the final line. By far my favorite part of this song (which I could honestly write an essay on) is the moment right after Hades calls Eurydice to his office; Eurydice and Persephone share the longest look that I couldn’t put my finger on for a while, but I think the best way to describe it is just utter powerlessness. Eurydice is powerless to refuse Hades and is scared of what might happen, but her looking at Persephone for help does nothing because she’s equally as powerless to stop her husband from fulfilling his power trip. It’s such a subtle moment between the two women at the mercy of a man and gahhh I could talk about it forever.

Our Lady of the Underground: I WOULD DIE FOR AMBER GRAY, I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE I SAW THIS SHIT LIVE. She’s one of the greatest performers of our lifetime and deserves every award ever. She enters the stage arm in arm with Hermes which is so cute but homegirl is SCHWASTED. She keeps on taking swigs from her flask and her dancing is just so ridiculous but works so well?? Her life is falling apart but she’s having the time of her life which is honestly relatable. One cool thing about this number when I saw it is that half the band was different so I got to hear some different names than usual when she introduced them. My soul fucking ascended on “you want stars?” and didn’t come down until the song ended. God bless Amber Gray.

Way Down Hadestown (Reprise): Ahh I was surprised by how much I dug the staging for this number, the way the Fates dance through and around the workers is so cool. Eurydice’s face changes throughout the song to reflect the sense of dread that keeps building up, and at the end she tries to run away and is blocked by the workers :((

Flowers: Eva actually cried through this whole song it’s fine I’m fine. She’s sitting down on her knees the whole time and just looks so small and sad my heart. I feel like Eva’s changed the way she sings this song from London a lot and she’s sacrificed a lot of vocal tricks and notes for a more helpless, lonely, devastated performance and it’s sooo good.

Come Home With Me (Reprise): THEY’RE SO HAPPY TO SEE EACH OTHER KILL ME. They literally do not let go of each other the whole time and you can see how much they each blame themselves for how things happened and how much they don’t want each other to blame themselves and it all just hurts a lot. But Eurydice’s face just falls and becomes fearful when she remembers Hades and realizes they can’t leave :(

Papers: Hades is LIVING for the drama in this song. The whole time, Eurydice is just trying to get Orpheus to go because she doesn’t want to break his heart anymore than she already has. Hades is still on his power trip for sure and relishes telling Persephone to stay out of it and telling Orpheus about his deal with Eurydice. Eurydice has to be physically ripped away from Orpheus for the fight scene and you can see how much her heart is breaking thinking about what Orpheus might think of her now. OKAY AND THE FIGHT SCENE, I’ve heard criticisms of it for being cheesy but I honestly think it’s really well choreographed and engaging. It’s not just the workers mindlessly beating up Orpheus as I previously thought, most of it is in retaliation to Orpheus trying to get back to Eurydice or make his way up to Hades (I guess to fight him which would be HILARIOUS) Persephone and Eurydice are both watching and the powerlessness of the female characters definitely comes back as a theme.

Nothing Changes: Harmonies!!! Acapella!! This is such a short song with such little staging that I don’t have much else to say than these women’s voices are incredible.

If It’s True: At the beginning of the song Eurydice reluctantly joins the workers and looks away from Orpheus as he sings the song, which clearly hurts Orpheus. He starts at such a low place but his process of inspiring the workers and exposing the truths of Hades’ façade is sooo well done and I love the response from the workers. This song is such a good turning point for Orpheus of realizing the world is shitty but also realizing there are more concrete ways to change the world and change people than just writing songs. Also this is a recurring theme in each song but AMBER’S FACE JOURNEY DURING THIS SONG. In this version of the show, Persephone actually knowing who Orpheus is adds a new urgency and purpose to her pity for him which I love (more on that in the next song.)

How Long?: Hi as everyone’s favorite How Long? Stan™️ I was SO THRILLED WITH EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PERFORMANCE. Amber and Patrick are just so fucking good at understanding what drives their characters it’s insane. The staging is basically just them on either side of the lift (which is under the stage at this point) with a literal chasm between them as fog pours on the stage. Patrick barked out some of his lines in the intro as if he was insecure and threatened by Orpheus and Persephone’s investment in Orpheus which was a new layer I hadn’t considered. I think older versions of this song have been more conceptual and less urgent; Persephone used to be arguing for the concept Orpheus represented (love, freedom, idealism) but now her argument is deeply personal after a whole show of watching Orpheus fall in love with Eurydice, toast her bringing summer back, and suffer in Hadestown. She really plays it as Persephone’s last stand and that if Hades doesn’t relent, he stands no chance of getting her back emotionally. And Hades is SO STUBBORN AND SMUG up until Persephone pulls the “just as long as I am your wife,” at which point he realizes just how endangered his marriage is. The final chorus is just so heartbreaking as they realize how irreconcilable they are but how desperately they love each other anyways.

Chant (Reprise): The shortest summary of this is Hades Has Feelings And Hides Them Under A Power Trip x20 ft. UNIONIZING. Hades really feels like he’s lost control over Persephone, the workers, and himself and has to flex on Orpheus by belittling him and Persephone as well as building his ego up. So yeah, not a great look but damn is it fun to watch. The workers rising up is so good, they’re doing their work when they suddenly start breaking off and questioning the status quo. Persephone is also seething the whole song and just extremely pissed off that Hades is reacting like this after she tried to talk some sense into him. But as for her verse (RIP in peace), as much as I love it, I didn’t miss it all that much seeing it live. I actually didn’t even th ink about it until a few hours after the show. I think the song is stronger with it, but now I guess I can see why they cut it? BUT BOY OH BOY WAS I NOT READY FOR THE MOMENT™️. The lights of Hadestown get so bright you can’t even look at them and “I conduct the electric city!” is so LOUD you feel it in your bones and then everything is dark. It’s such an indescribable moment live and is also Hades’ most arrogant moment in the show which is Fun considering he’s about to get emotionally rekt.

Epic III: NO SONG HIT ME HARDER THAN THIS SONG. Some details from the beginning I loved was Eurydice grabbing Orpheus’ hand and giving him A Look showing how much she believes in him and his song, and how nervous Orpheus was at first with the high stakes. But as soon as the la la las started I was TOAST. It was clearly the last thing Hades was expecting to hear and shook him to his core. Amber started crying as soon as they started, and her “let him finish Hades” was so soft and sad. Also Orpheus is looking at Eurydice during the whole “it was like you were holding the world when you held her” bit which is just as painful as it sounds. You can just see Hades’ whole world he’s built coming down around him as the music swells and he and Orpheus go up on the lift and THE NOTEEE. It’s as perfect live as it is in audios. Also the workers individually standing up and taking off their skullcaps is such a good touch. But seriously I could not take my eyes off Amber this whole song, she was crying almost as hard as I was tbh. When the song slows down and we get to “where is the treasure inside your chest?” Orpheus is clearly just reading Hades so hard, and Hades is just slowly walking over to Persephone without breaking eye contact. Hades’ la la la is so so so soft and barely a whisper, but Persephone just breaks down as he takes her hands. The moment is so tender and well acted I nearly died seeing it I swear. PLUS HE PULLS OUT THE FLOWER!!! CINEMATIC PARALLELS!!!

Lover’s Desire: I loveee the new instrumental for this and the use of the la la las. I always expected the dance to be extremely tender and reverential which it somewhat was but I was SO pleasantly surprised by how FUN it was. They had their emotional moment at the end of Epic III but this really just shows you what they were like when they were young, you just watch them and think about how much fun they must have had years ago. They’re smiling and teasing each other the whole time until they end with Persephone’s head in Hades’ shoulder and stay that way all through Promises.

Promises: This song is way more happy than it has any right to be considering it made me cry again. Eurydice is so in awe of how Orpheus brought the gods back together and they strip away every promise of finery and security and just relish in how much they love each other plainly. Also the workers are on the side the whole time, Afra and John are clinging to each other and so are Ahmad and Kimberly, but with Timothy hugging the both of them. Eurydice actually directs her line “I don’t know where this road will end, but I’ll walk it with you hand in hand” tot he workers and goes down the line grabbing their hands and singing to them individually. And the vows at the end!!!! That’s always been one of my favorite parts of the show and they delivered so well. Orpheus lays everything out on the table and gives Eurydice the choice of whether or not she wants to stay with him, and I love the fact that he does this after he literally came down to the underworld for her. He recognizes that he fucked up and she doesn’t owe him coming back with him, but she reassures him of how much she loves him right away. They can’t tear themselves away from each other when they ask Hades if they can go, and when he says “I don’t know” Persephone pulls away with the most betrayed look on her face :(

Word to the Wise: I have nothing to say except the Fates are perfect and have never let me down.

His Kiss, The Riot: Patrick’s portrayal of Hades’ inner conflict in this song…. *chefs kiss* The way he stares at the flower as a symbol of Orpheus and love and redemption but can’t make himself surrender to it completely… The “all my children” verse really makes you feel like he thinks he’s helping the workers. Also I love the way he shouts “who makes WORK for idle hands.” It’s just such a good villain song, especially when the cacophony of instruments swell around him so eerily. He sings the final part of this song straight to Hermes, almost like he’s hoping he’ll give some input but Hermes is tragically confined to his position as the messenger. Also the way he looks straight at Persephone during “nothing makes a man so bold”….

Wait for Me (Reprise): The way Hermes delivers their instructions at the beginning is so resignedly sad like you can tell he knows what’s going to happen but is trying to give them hope :( They just want to make it out together so badly, but you can already tell Orpheus’ anxiety and doubt is kicking in. Not sure if this was intentional, but the staging of Orpheus and Eurydice at the front of the stage singing the wait for me melody and looking up at the audience reminded me of A Gathering Storm; instead of facing off against the literal storm, they’re preparing to face off the mental storm to come. The workers are so desperate for them to make it out, the “show the way” bit is so impassioned and breaks my heart. AND THEN HADES AND PERSEPHONEEE. They start on opposite ends of the stage and make their way to each other as they sing, and then come closer until they’re holding hands but then the turntable turns them apart. This scene just perfectly shows how much they’ve both grown throughout the show and how they know that their love isn’t perfect, but all they can do is try. The entire cast harmonizing on the wait for me melody at the end is SO transcendentally beautiful, and then Eva jumps in and belts for the GODS!! I love this number so much, especially how the workers and Persephone are so emotionally invested in their success but in the end Orpheus and Eurydice are just left alone.

Doubt Comes In: This song is BRILLIANTLY staged and I’m so glad Rachel Chavkin has her damn Tony. The whole stage is dark and filled with fog and you really feel how lonely and scary it must seem, especially with the sinister music and malicious singing from the Fates. Eurydice is in our view at the beginning and when she is singing, but other than that, Orpheus is literally walking this road alone. Reeve does such a great job conveying not only how anxious Orpheus is but exactly why he is anxious, and it’s SO hard to watch especially compared to how optimistic he was at the start of the show. As they reach the end, the walls begin to close back up and cover the lights of Hadestown, and then It Happens and my heart just DROPS. The light flash back on and illuminate everything so horribly- it takes so long for either of them to even form words as they realize what happened. When Eurydice drops she drops FAST and it’s so viscerally upsetting watching her go down as Orpheus runs to her. His face absolutely shatters :(( also my mom and her friend had no idea how it ended and they were so shocked and upset lmao.

Road to Hell (Reprise): Andre takes a really long time to just take everything in and let the audience react before he even starts with “aight.” He walks all the way over to the pit and looks down at where Eurydice was for a long time, and Orpheus is just sitting there shell shocked and gutted. The whole first half of this song is just so slow and purposeful, recycling the motifs from Road to Hell and then you finally get what they mean by “it’s a sad song, but we sing it anyways.” The catharsis I felt seeing Eurydice come out for “anybody got a match?” and Persephone rising up on the lift to symbolize spring coming back with a look on her face that I can only describe as tired but grateful was so strong. Andre carries this finale so beautifully and the swelling music and harmonies just make me CRY. The song ends with Orpheus coming out again in his apron with a smile on his face which is so lovely.

We Raise Our Cups: This song just grounds the whole show and gives Persephone (and Eurydice) the chance to reflect on the show’s themes of love and perseverance which I adoree. Amber’s voice is so lovely and this is such a perfect reciprocation of Livin it up on Top and just made me so happy :’)

#my posts #hadestown #take a shot eveytime i repeat the same exact phrasing or talk about amber's acting lmao #n e ways i hope someone likes this hehe it took a long time and i want to go back to the show #nyc trip 2019

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exit-path · 4 years

Text

DO NOT READ THIS POST.

Below is a long rant I’ve had about life and death. I’ve wanted it on the Internet. So that, ya know people can read it. But I also don’t want people to read it. Potential mental scarring, and all that.

So if you wanna get the rest of your Daily Tumblr Experience (tm), keep scrolling. But if you want to have a SUPER out-of-body experience, “Keep reading.”

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

So wait, this is it?

After you learn all the languages you know now, after you’re taught everything in school you remember, after you read all the books and hear all the stories...

This is it?

That’s everything? Your toolbox to brave the world. That’s all you get?

You’re gonna have all this until the day you die. You know that, right? This is pretty much all you’re ever gonna get, forever.

You know you only have one life. After this, you can’t try again. You get no second chances.

But I want more! Why can’t get more? Why does learning new things only get harder with age?

You’re never gonna truly experience anything besides what you’re currently experiencing. Sure, you can imagine, and you can daydream and come up with full-on stories in your mind, but truth is, you’re never actually gonna leave your current story. It’s all been one straight line.

We are trapped in the mortal realm. If you were born a man, and you wanted to be a woman, then even through all the wishes in the world, you could never truly become a woman. Baseless wishes do nothing, after all. But you can get close. If you see a man trying as hard as they can to be a woman, because they really wanted to, and they did a really good job, then please cheer them on. They are doing as close an act to defying the impossible.

So wishes don’t work. You will never experience anything outside of the life you’re currently living. So make the most of it. And embrace new actions taken. Because they do what wishes can’t: they work.

This all still feels so empty. I’m so lost. It feels so bleak, and it’s cold and dark down here. I’m currently getting therapy, but I want happiness. Happiness that lasts. Like, an hour.

Can anything solve this? Like, death anxiety. Can anything fix death anxiety? Because it’s a really shitty thing to be afraid of. It’s a phobia that, by definition, is chronic. If you’re afraid of death, and you’re eventually gonna die, then you’ll be panicking your whole life.

That seems like a really shitty way to live life. I don’t want to live like that! Please! I want to be liberated from my chronic anxiety! I don’t want to die!

How did you discover this? Do you know me? Did you find this? Did I show you this? Or did you not discover this? Will this be forgotten about, buried under all the other posts on this platform? Every time I make a new post, am I burying this one a foot deeper? Will no mortal eyes ever gaze upon this post ever again?

And this all came with no warning! Back on my main blog, I’ve posted nothing about my recent thanatophobia! Okay, well maybe I posted something about anxiety and stuff like that, but nothing like this. I’m scared!

I really hope I don’t delete this. There’s a really good chance I won’t. I want this to be out in the world. If only for a moment, I want this post to breathe.

When Tumblr shuts down, even if it’s after my lifetime, this post will go with it. And when the universe dies in a trillion years, everything will go with it. Why did some astronomist figure that out? How much alcohol do they drink?

It is Friday, June 12th, 2020. I dunno why I date things. I hope some day in the future, I can come back to old stuff and know exactly when I brought it into existence. Or maybe dating things is for satisfaction in the moment. Maybe I date things to look at it over time while I can still constantly see it: two days, three days, two weeks, three months, a year. A year? Wow, that’s a long time! And what about decades-old things? Centuries-old? Nah, I won’t think about that. That’s outside of a human lifetime.

I don’t get why people have existential crises. Like, you’re worrying about how people will remember you after you’re gone? What’s the point in that? Do you have so much sympathy that you care about it miles over your own mortality? Also, you’d end up in a similar situation to thanatophobia! You’d end up constantly worry, with every waking moment, whether your actions are making an impact on the world. Like, what’s the point in that? Just live life!

Will I ever share this? I hope I do. In fact, I hope I share it to my main blog too. I hope I share it with one of those “Keep Reading” tags that I see elsewhere on Tumblr, when the person has a bunch to things or extra words that they wanna keep behind a wall of sorts so no one’s constantly terrorized by a wall of text. I hope I figure out how to do that in time.

Also, am I getting deja vu of this very moment? Like, I’m not even done writing all this! How am I remembering something that hasn’t even finished yet? Is my memory really that bad?

I’m worried my memory will be the bane of me. I’m worried that in the end, I’ll remember very little, because I know so much more, and I’ll regret remembering so little. That would be a horrible way to die. Regret? I don’t want to feel regret on my deathbed!

I’ve thought in the past that when I grow up, and I become rich enough to own things, then I should hire a transcriber to follow me around everywhere I go and transcribe everything I say. That way, every thing I say can be written down. All my information will be on paper. Nothing will be as short-lived as the wind that takes my words away. That way, there might be a chance that even some of the more elusive words I say, perhaps the most beautiful quotes I utter that are completely unfathomable today, can survive longer than me. So nothing is lost to time.

When I was five, I had a dream. Maybe it was a nightmare. Maybe I made a post about this already. If so, then that’s scary, because I don’t remember that. I don’t like not remembering things. But anyways, I had a dream. I was standing on top of a light pole. You know those white lamp poles in New York City? The ones that curve like a hook onto the road? Yeah, I was standing on top of one of those. Somehow. I dunno how it could have supported my weight. And there were three pigeons. Three New York pigeons. Pretty slim, not like the big meaty ones you find sometimes. And the pigeons on the light pole next to me. They were closer to the pole, and I was closer to the light. I know they were exactly three pigeons. Not so sure about their placement, actually. In fact, I’m not so sure about my age at the time. Anyways, the pigeons flew away. And I jumped. I jumped from the top of the light pole. And I hit the asphalt. And I woke up, probably in a cold sweat. My heart was beating really fast. I woke up immediate before I hit the asphalt. I had felt the wind whizzing by my face. So that was the whole dream. I was on a light pole, there were three pigeons, they flew away, I jumped off the light pole, died on impact with the road, and woke up immediately before the dying part.

I feel like it’s almost like a prophecy, that eventually, that’s how I’m gonna die. That’s the clip of how I died. That I would commit suicide from the top of a light pole. And I don’t want to die that way! I don’t want to commit suicide! Life is precious! I want to die of old age, not of my own doing, fulfilling some “prophecy” that I was never told in words! That would really suck. Then again, it’s probably never going to happen. With as outlandish a story as that, I’m probably never gonna die that way. That lifts my spirits.

I’m so glad I could eventually get all these things down somewhere. Especially the “dream at five years old” part. I’m sixteen years old. I had constantly worried about how I would eventually get these thoughts down on paper somewhere. Yeah, it had always been in the back of my head. All. This. Time. It sucks, but I think I finally got it done, I think.

I didn’t want to keep this to myself, or put it in a diary entry or anything like that, because I don’t believe in privacy. Yeah sure, there are some things you keep to yourself, touchy subjects like masturbation, and if you’re lucky, you can go your whole life without a secret being told, and it dies with you on your deathbed. But I personally believe those should only be the rare cases. At least, they should. Because I’ve been growing up in a world full of information. All of human knowledge is at my fingertips, and it’s called “Wikipedia”. But still, it’s had I’d say a pretty big impact on how I view information. Information should just be out there in the world, ready for anyone to read and critique. So I’d never own a diary. To have that much information and to know no one else is looking at it would be painful. And I know that sounds counterintuitive, like how can you be scared when people are being not nosy, but that’s just my worldview. Yours can be different.

Well that’s our show for tonight, folks! Stay safe out there. And remember, you only live once.

#serious #serious tw #death tw #life tw #what tags do i use for a topic so strong #future tag

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96percentdone · 5 years

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What's the appeal of Komahina (Yes, I know) since you said you enjoy answering shippy asks?

everything. its all the appeal of komahina. i’m love komahina. its top tier.

Okay real talk but the biggest Advantage™ to komahina is that there’s like so much to work with in canon. we have a whole game’s worth of content. And because of having so much shit to work with, there’s a lot to talk about! under the cut!

So the draw to end all draws is obviously that Komaeda is canonically gay, and specifically, gay for Hinata. That cop out confession is a work of art. It really is. The man literally says “I love--the hope sleeping within you, from the bottom of my heart” as if the last second subject switch is gonna do anything to disguise how gay it was. You used aishiteru Komaeda. We all know.

But you don’t even just need that free time event to confirm Komaeda’s Gay Feelings™, contrary to the belief of fools, Komaeda even alludes to it in chapter four. Sure he’s also busy being a total dick, but even then he can’t stop himself from commenting on how he’s still attached to Hinata, and that it’s making him emotional. The fact that Hinata, the man he loves, is the epitome of all the things he’s decided he’s supposed to hate, is what’s killing him inside, and you can argue its why he’s so vicious to Hinata in particular. it’s not something that Hinata deserves, of course, but its a side-effect of his perceived betrayal.

SPEAKING OF PERCEIVED BETRAYALS, let’s talk about chapter 1! So you’ll notice that I haven’t really talked about Hinata’s feelings towards Komaeda yet, and that’s because chapter 1 is what royally fucks those to high hell. Before the trial, Hinata really likes Komaeda. He enjoys spending time with him, and is happy to investigate with him. He considers Komaeda reliable, and that first free time event has him call Komaeda’s smile soothing, similar to how Naegi talked about Maizono’s. And we all know how Naegi felt about her. He doesn’t really think he knows Komaeda all that well, and Hinata is somewhat distrusting but not to an unhealthy degree, but despite all that, he still likes Komaeda. More than he’s probably aware of (hi Hinata I see you wrote down word for word Komaeda’s confession in your report card you wanna elaborate on that decision or--)

But that’s why trial fucks everything up so badly. Komaeda turned out to not be the person he thought. In that confrontation in trial, he’s incredibly distraught about having to do this despite only having known him for a few days. I think he even uses that sprite where he’s got tears in his eyes he’s that fucked up about it. He’s taken that perceived betrayal very personally.

I wanna make something clear though: Komaeda did betray the group but not to the extent Hinata takes it. Komaeda never really hides his issues or his true nature from people. His self deprecating nature is clearly visible and he does seem weirdly focused on hope a few times. Komaeda absolutely betrayed the group by kickstarting the killing game, however, he did not sell himself as anything other than himself, something Hinata firmly believes he did. It’s not that Komaeda ever behaved like a different person, it’s that they were unable to realize how deep his issues and complexes went until he acted on them. But because Komaeda is always personable and friendly, if not somewhat a nihilist, they didn’t realize what was wrong.

But despite that...Hinata’s still weirdly drawn to him. Despite wanting to hate Komaeda and feeling extraordinarily hurt by his betrayal...he still doesn’t quite let that go. Sure he’s pretty cold to Komaeda sometimes, but he still checks in on his despair fever. he still talks to him and tries to understand what makes him tick, even if he seems very unhappy about it. Hinata’s understanding of Komaeda in chapter 5 comes from this. In that final free time event, he’s even willing to forgive him before Komaeda backpedals hardcore. I think that’s proof enough that Hinata cannot hate Komaeda, and moreover deep down, that he doesn’t want to either.

But all that just kinda reeks of “tragically fucked up huh I doubt that would ever work out” but oh no you silly little potato chip. No it’ll be fine because sdr2 gave us the glorious virtual reality, maybe one day they’ll all wake up. And that’s the key place where things can get better. After canon, where they have all the time in the world to recover.

Chapter 6 tells Hinata a lot of things, but most importantly, he’s not better than Komaeda. They all fucked shit up. They were all fucked up and damaged emotionally; Komaeda just broke catastrophically before they did. They all need to recover and go past their issues; Komaeda is not exempt from that. And I think this key bit of information would help, at least in part, Hinata get past that perceived betrayal. Plus time and actually talking to Komaeda would do that too.

So what would either of them get out of a relationship? To me, that’s the most important thing about a ship to me: how either of them grows and become better, happier people. I think a lot that Hinata gets from it comes from helping Komaeda, and in doing so, he learns to understand more about himself. They both have similar complexes about talent, and feeling worthless in relation to it, and in helping Komaeda come to terms with that, among various other things, I think Hinata would come to terms with it himself, and be more confident.

They have a surprising amount in common with their lack of self-esteem and complexes around that. I also think Komaeda, in general, is encouraging, and if Hinata finds him soothing, it’ll help Hinata’s anxiety mellow out over time. Komaeda’s very good about taking things in stride which is something Hinata definitely needs in his life to help him.

And Komaeda? Boy. Well okay, Komaeda needs like a lot of actual therapy just. Just all the time. Hinata can’t really help much with that just support him. (To be clear Hinata also needs a therapist I just think talking to Komaeda will help him figure out what he needs to say to his therapist). But Komaeda desperately needs two things. The first is Komaeda really only feels like he can connect with someone he feels is the same level as him, which he definitely feels about Hinata. He has a line about them both being “bystanders to the other shsls.”

But moreover, Komaeda needs someone stable. Someone that can prove his life is not ruled over by a luck cycle. Komaeda’s luck is real, but it’s not the cycle he thinks it is. That’s just a coping mechanism he uses to cope with the immense tragedy in his life, because his “good luck” does not balance out his bad luck. Komaeda’s luck just tends to guarantee his success the more likely he is to fail. So he survives the plane crash, even though it should have killed him. So he gets the winning lotto ticket, even though the lottery is a scam designed to take your money. So he gets into hope’s peak, even though every other high school student his age was eligible for that slot. That’s how his luck works.

But his life is so tragic he has to assume its a good and bad cycle. He believes that anything good that happens has to cause something terrible, and vice versa, and its the basis of his worldview, but what he needs, is someone to stick around by him and prove him wrong. For someone to try to understand him, and not disappear on him. He needs a constant, and Hinata, who tries to understand him and is similar to him, is that constant. And I think by having that constant he’ll be able to let go of such a harmful worldview and move on into a happier place in his life.

Anyway tl;dr Komahina is good because it’s complex and mutually beneficial thank you good night!

#hope.txt #komahina #hinakoma #my meta #sdr2 #dangan ronpa #Anonymous

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yyrz · 5 years

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what? you think i’m gonna stand here and take it?

note: my fic for @bnhaflashbang! this has an accompanying art by @thefacade-23 which you can find here!

ao3 link!

When Izuku writes, he uses green ink.

It’s been that way since he was very young; because green ink is the only thing that he has ever asked of his mother. The parchment he uses is often old, wrinkled in places as though haphazardly stuffed into his pants pocket, though nonetheless still useful for writing.

He keeps it secret. Even Inko doesn’t know— will never know.

She assumes he writes in his little notebooks, filled to the brim with ideas of magic; of how to use magic, of what types of magic he’s encountered.

The habit to write died when Izuku met Yagi-sensei; when his worldview changed from never to one day. But, today, as his body succumbs to exhaustion, as he’s watching the waves hitting the cliff where his home stood, the itch to write springs anew again.

He has clean parchment, folded neatly between his books. He has a glass bottle, one that his mother would’ve given to the children in town had he not taken it from the kitchen sink. He has his writing quill, ink pooling at the tip, ready for use.

Still, Izuku’s brain is running a million miles a minute. How can he phrase his thoughts into something resembling coherency?

He remembers all the things he’s written in the past— Kacchan, magic, why did he not get any— and he hesitates. Something foreign settles between his smile, tired and defeated yet proud all the same.

Why does magic exist?

Izuku is a little surprised, to be honest.

One assumes that a glass bottle with a letter inside would get no replies. The odds of it are even less than him acquiring magic.

(That he has, his giddy thoughts tell him.)

And now, despite the odds, there is a bottle resting at the soles of his feet, folded parchment in his hands.

The name “Shoto” sounds otherworldly to him. Burning and freezing ring the crevices of his brain, reading the characters written neatly on the page. His head is telling him to ignore it and move on, an insistent chatter as Izuku rereads the simple line:

It exists to shelter people.

Signed, Shoto

Shelter people from what? The world has always been dangerous so I guess magic helps in that regard. But isn’t that why there are heroes out there to save everyone?

Izuku can seal his message with magic now. He grins.

Signed, Deku

That’s how it starts, really.

Heroes are one thing but it’s through one’s magic that a person can hide their true self.

Signed, Shoto

If that’s the case, it’s not magic to be blamed for that, but the person who’s using it.

If that’s how you see it, then that’s how you see it.

It’s not like I’ve really known magic all my life. It’s funny if you think about it! I’m still adjusting to everything my teacher taught me.

You talk as if you’re only now realizing the weight magic has.

What I meant was that a person is responsible for their magic! You would condemn it when it’s how someone uses it that matters?

That’s not what I said.

Ah. Sorry about that.

It’s alright.

Izuku fumbles as he reads the missives. Shoto is a peculiar person, and Izuku’s delighted to talk to them.

Even though an overwhelming awkwardness consumes their words to each other, the conversation continues.

They move on to a variety of topics. Shoto writes about his mother and siblings, even though Izuku feels like there’s something unassuming beneath his words. Meanwhile, Izuku shares his thoughts on magic, though he refrains from implying anything, as well as home life with his teacher and mother.

The seasons move on. Izuku begins to look forward to the letters, and wonders if Shoto enjoys their chats as much as he does.

Bakugou Katsuki makes for Izuku’s form after his training session with Yagi-sensei one afternoon. His words hit deep, tearing open wounds he’s long forgotten. His magic hits hard and bruises form on the underside of Izuku’s arms; purple and blotchy, bleeding both blood and magic.

Inko shakes her head, despair written across the expanse of her creasing forehead. She dabs light green ointment on his bruises and assumes they come from Izuku’s training.

He doesn’t tell her.

The purple blotches on his arms slowly fade over time.

I almost died, once. Someone told me that I should take a swan dive off a cliff. We live on one and it overlooks the town we’re staying at. It’s beautiful during dawn and dusk, but the people are something else. I appreciate them but sometimes they take things too far.

I never told my mom about it. I haven’t told my teacher about it either.

But I think I can trust you enough to say it.

I only bring this up because Kacchan came by the other day, after my training. He spoke to me and then fought me. I didn’t want to fight, I couldn’t fight him, but he was relentless.

Shouto feels the need to meet him. Deku, his name read. Green ink bled across the white parchment and emotions that carried anxiety and frustration spout like water from a fountain with each word he read.

I almost died, once, too. My father tore my family apart until I was the only one who remained. Mom is broken, my siblings are trying their best to atone, and my father remains on his throne of flames.

His hand shakes and the pen he’s holding starts to burn.

I think I owe it to you to share a difficult story. It’s not easy to find someone to confide in.

Thank you for sharing that to me, Shoto.

Thank you, Deku.

Have you thought of going to the yearly fire festival? I hear it’s beautiful.

I’ve never gone to the fair before. I never had a reason to. It’s full of magic that I didn’t have back then. Mom wanted to bring me before but I told her I didn’t want to go. I know it’s petty to think that I don’t deserve it because all that time, I really thought I didn’t deserve to. Not when people would jeer that I couldn’t use magic, that I was useless.

Deku. That’s what it really means; useless.

I met a friend who gave my name another meaning though. So now I think of ‘Deku’ as ‘dekiru’; ‘able to’. Because I can do it.

I’m sorry for writing so much! To answer your question, my teacher’s making me go. He wants to introduce me to someone important, he said. I wonder who it is to get his attention like that?

What do you think?

Belatedly, Izuku adds, scrawled at the very bottom of the page.

What about you?

Your teacher? If you don’t want to go, you shouldn’t let him drag you around. If it makes you feel any better though, I haven’t gone to the festival either.

I wouldn’t know who would be important enough. Royalty, perhaps?

That’s a good guess! But I’ve decided that I’m not going to the festival. My teacher says that he’s fine with it and he’s happy I spoke to him about it. I’m not that confident about my magic yet, so I don’t want to embarrass him any more than I would have.

Oh. Well, that’s too bad.

Was Shoto expecting him to go?

I wanted to introduce myself since we’ve been writing for so long that it feels odd not to. My name is Midoriya Izuku, and my future hero name will be Deku. I hope that you’ll find a use for it. It’s not filled with much yet but that’s the name that I use.

In the days to come, Izuku will change his mind about attending. The crown prince coming to the fair sparks something in him. Curiosity, perhaps, at the power the prince manages to control within his grasp.

Fire and ice, Yagi-sensei had said to him.

Burning and freezing.

He’ll be introduced at the fair by the king. It’ll be the first time he’s ever be seen in public.

No one even knows his name.

“You can call me Deku, your highness. That’s what I plan on using once I become a full-fledged hero like my teacher.” Izuku says, holding out a hand.

Izuku notices the prince’s gaze, sharpening as the latter stares at the former. It belies a certain familiarity, something soothing to Izuku’s chest.

The prince imitates the gesture, taking Izuku’s hand, “Todoroki Shouto. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Midoriya Izuku.”

It’s his turn to act surprised, eyes widening owlishly. He’s only said his name to one other person recently. Yagi-sensei stiffens beside him. To be given his full name by the prince, choking with power, is surprising in its own right.

“Shoto?”

Burning and freezing.

Fire and ice.

Something familiar rises in his throat; magic of unimaginable caliber creeping from the pit of his stomach.

“Yes, Deku?”

Izuku can’t help but smile.

#boku no hero academia #midoriya izuku #todoroki shouto #todomido #tododeku #bnha flash bang #yyrz.fic

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enouragement-blog · 5 years

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Thrice’s Palms and Deeper Wells

Thrice has never ceased to amaze. Every album they release is musically diverse from the previous one. You get the feeling you are actually going somewhere as you listen to them, while still being able to enjoy their previous albums. Who can forget the Alchemy Index? Who can forget the soothing lullaby of Beggars? When Thrice broke up, I was heartbroken, and when Dustin went through hard times in the Northwest I was bothered. For those who keep up on Dustin Kensrue, you’ll know he’s gotten very... argumentative, one-sided, and often mean on twitter, being very intolerant of anyone with opposing views.

If you are familiar with Dustin, you are aware that he used to be a professing Christian (whether he still is one is unclear, as his idea of God is equally vague) and more or less conservative. He has swung to the far other side, now being ultra-liberal. This is fine, you can change your views and you can believe as you wish, the problem is with the attitude. Dustin feels remorse for his past dogmatism, so now, he is still being dogmatic, but rather than being dogmatic about his past clearly defined views, now he is being dogmatic about his present undefined views. The root attitude of superiority, intolerance, and black-and-white thinking is still there, just now he feels it is justified since he is agreeing with liberal thinking, which seems to me to be mostly unhelpful to true healing and unity. What does this have anything to do with Thrice’s latest FANTASTIC album and ep?

Lots. The worldview and struggles of the musician MAKES the music. To not understand Dustin would be to not understand his music. By his own admission, he no longer believes the bible is scripture (God’s word), though he does believe it was an important book. He also drew a lot of inspiration from people like Peter Enns and people of other religious backgrounds which, once again, really isn’t new. Even if I don’t agree with Dustin’s conclusions on many things, he has always been a thinker and drew from Greek mythology just as he drew from bible. A good musician is a good musician regardless of the inspiration.

So that takes us to the album palms, and the later ep deeper wells. First, it deserves to be said that deeper wells really is the conclusion to palms. There was something missing from palms that deeper wells brought. The last song from deeper wells “stumbling west” really has a nice finishing touch to palms. The album was named palms for the palm of the hand, and the themes of the album elaborate on all the different meanings palms can have: blessing someone for instance. And really, that’s what this album is, a surrender (showing the palms) on going to war against people. I really think that Dustin got out of his bubble, saw the real world, and saw the “enemies” on the other side of the fence and actually started listening to them rather than just assuming he was right.

Palms has such beauty to it, and really helped me through a lot. It is on my top list of best albums ever. We live in very divisive times and people fight about everything from politics to a border wall to kneeling for the National Anthem. Somewhere along the way we forgot to listen to others and to still be civil even if we don’t agree, much like Ellen brought up in her recent photo of sitting with former President Bush. It’s ok to disagree with people, but in our modern world everybody has lost that skill and takes it as a personal attack if people don’t agree with them. We’ve lost reasoning skills. Palms is a big step in the right direction towards unity. I got caught up in a lot of it, but this album really reeled me back in. There are basically three different levels of disagreement: 1. difference of nature (for instance, you are an introvert) 2. difference of opinion (if you think it is wrong or right to kneel for the National Anthem) 3. difference of morality (believing that there are absolute standards for constraint - child molestation is wrong and its wrong because ____________). Really the only reason for separation is #3, but nowadays we fight about everything. It’s not healthy, and it really needs to stop.

Palms starts off with “only us”, a song that explains how our fights about republican/democrat are just not helpful. We are people. You can take this however far your want: we are all Americans or bigger than that, globally, we are all people. The second song on the album is “the grey” which talks about not having all the answers but listening to others and examining your beliefs and motives. It’s a major statement of leaving bias and dogmatism in the past and reaching out to others instead of joining in the narrative of hate. “The Dark” is really about a lot of things, and it’s left a little too vague to be sure exactly what he was going for. By taking it in context with the rest of the album, we can draw a few potential conclusions. It is either about the religious, or politicians, who are apathetic towards progress and just want to control through intimidation, keeping people in the dark and in fear. “Just breathe” is about anxiety and the rush of society to always go to the next thing and how you get lost in that flow. You forget to enjoy life. “everything belongs” is about not trying to hold on so fast to certainty but just seeing the beauty in the messiness and how things are connected and work out. It’s at this point that you see the real helpfulness: our minds are always working working working, and we unintentionally come to a place of fear and business. It’s about accepting the good and bad in your life, and how everything is connected with actions and reactions.

The sixth song is called “my soul”. It is an extremely intimate song, but like many of Dustin’s songs, it has many applications. First, there’s the application of marriage: will you still accept me with all my scars and damage if I never get any better? But then also there’s a religious connection: can the church learn to love people who will never have it all together? Then there’s the political connection: Can we learn to accept one another as broken people? Then there’s the friendship angle: can I find people in my life that will accept me for who I am, while also helping me grow? Then there’s the spiritual angle: God, do you love me even though I am a screw up? It really has a lot of depth to it. It touches on the heart of humanity: am I good enough for you? “branch in the river” is about a bunch of things potentially. It could be about religious people who try and stand against progress because they’re afraid, but then make it out like it’s something to do with God when all it’s really about is fear: such as the “American Christian” who thinks Jesus was a white Republican. It could be about politics, and how conservative people are often afraid of change. It could be about dogmatism, and being ok with not being ok and not knowing everything. It could be about simply life and progress, and how you have to let go because you aren’t in control. It could be about joining together the different people groups rather than holding onto division. It’s an idea that applies to many things, but once again is left vague. “Hold up a light” is about being the change and impacting even one. It’s about past the messiness of politics, being healing rather than the voice of dissent (not to say that he has recanted the message of “whistleblower”). Some of these messages have been muddied by Dustin’s failure to practice what he is preaching (there’s only us, but then I’m going to viciously attack anyone who doesn’t hate Trump like I do, for instance). “Blood on blood” is about the violence done to humanity by humans as the title implies. Special note is given to religious people who misuse scripture, be it the quran or the christian bible, to attack others. Christians often talk about the new heavens and the new earth, but then they often treat people with hate in this earth, as if God’s statement that if you don’t love people you don’t love God wasn’t clear enough and was somehow only for the next life. A powerful refrain from the song says ‘where’s the world I’m dreaming of?’ We’re working towards a better world, and yet there’s such pain all around us. Even progressivism builds on this idea of forward momentum, but then we look around and it seems like it’s not doing anything. There’s still more problems, more threats, there’s something in us that’s broken. Attention is also given to political people who send others to fight their wars and how the apathetic masses just accept it. “beyond the pines” is really about heaven if you think about it, but it’s a little unclear. He may be preaching coexistence: all paths lead to salvation, especially based off lines such as ‘all our maps have failed’, but he could also mean that all man-made attempts at perfection have failed, it really just depends how you see it. He seems to be partway acknowledging that not all paths lead to enlightenment/salvation because he says ‘anyone COULD find’ this place, not necessarily will. So the ‘I will meet you there’ would then be somewhat hopeful that they will join him on this journey (through, presumably, Christ). It may be significant that the inspiration of this song came from Islamic poetry, which may once again lean the meaning towards global salvation. Or maybe he is simply stating that he hopes everyone will be saved - obviously there is a little oversight with Christians where they forget to bless those who curse them and love their “enemies”, and even use heaven as a “haha, you aren’t going to be there but you’re going to burn in hell”. Shouldn’t Christians hope that everyone will be saved, even if it isn’t the reality? Regardless, in one part he says this place is ‘further than our false schemes of wrong and right’, which could be talking about the bible not being a source of morality, but it could also mean past our stupid designations of republican and democrat with one party treating the other like trash when it won’t really matter in heaven. Too often Christians try to convert people to Republican rather than Christ. This interpretation seems to be further clarified when he says ‘we can finally make an end to these divisions in our minds’ One line that bothers many Christians is ‘everyone will be divine’, but this has many sides. First, he could be talking metaphorically or poetically - in heaven things will be wonderful. Or maybe he is saying we will be in resurrected bodies so death and decay will be no more. Either way, he’s not necessarily saying that we will all become gods. The biggest let-down of the song isn’t found in the lyrics or the smooth sway of the music, or even in the execution, rather it’s the absence of God being the center in this place beyond the pines - it is very human-centered. From a Christian perspective, love of God has to outweigh love of everything, or anyone, else.

Deeper wells was either not finished or they didn’t feel like it fit with the rest of the album, but I disagree. I think it goes along perfectly, especially since palms was too short. It starts with “deeper wells” a song about breaking down walls of division and building community instead. It has a lot of applications for churches, politics, and individuals. We should be bringing life and healing to people, and making decisions based off that, at least as Christians. I don’t think it’s accident how he relates the American wall with the religious aspect of “the fold”, relating the feelings of superiority many white American Christians have.

What caused these changes in Dustin? I don’t know, but he claims it had nothing to do with his time at Mars Hill church. Maybe, but honestly everything in our lives are connected. Maybe he’s hiding something or maybe it really was Mars Hill that messed him up. Either way, we know that life wears on us. I don’t think that Dustin’s journey is over, and I’m interested to know where it goes from here. He seems to be living more or less a lie, a mental paradox; I anticipate further struggles, further growth, and great development musically from these things. “A better bridge” is about accepting people with different opinions, which has a great political import for our nation. “In this storm” is about the tension we currently live in and how we can’t just ignore the problem.

Deeper wells ends with “Stumbling west”, a powerful song with many applications. In Christian literature, to go west is symbolic for returning to God and paradise. If this is his intended meaning, stumbling west is talking about stumbling through life, not knowing what to do, but trying to go west back to God. Especially taken with the rest of the EP and Palms, this song becomes the perfect finishing touch, acknowledging the hurt, disappointment, confusion, but still with hope, even past his shattered faith. It could also be about stumbling through life with a lover, with the rest having a different specific or metaphorical meaning unknown to us. Or it could be about life being about loving other people throughout your journey in life. If that is the idea, it may be possible that west is the modern world, saying he’s trying to reach the poor and forgotten while trying to still move forward to progress. Or maybe it’s a conglomeration of points. Whether it would be to God or to his wife or to other people depends largely on the interpretation.

Thrice is an amazing band, and there’s a lot of great stuff here. If you’re like me, you may not agree with everything Dustin says online or in his newest songs, but there is still so much gold here to learn from and enjoy, if only we are willing to face the demons of uncertainty that we all must walk with but pretend do not exist.

#deeper wells #palms #thrice #review #music #song explanations #ellen #bush #president bush #photo #commentary #trump #politics #republican #democrat

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