your relationship with bllk men as mitski songs
(kaiser, sae, oliver)
my posting has been very slow recently so to celebrate mitskis new album (and to feed into my eternal obsession for her music and lyricism by combining it with another thing im way too obsessed with), i dug up this old ass draft and finished it instead of giving y’all an actual fic
tags: gn!reader, angst(it’s mitski duh), yeah basically no fluff/comfort in here, suggestive-ish in the oliver one, me being a dork and combining two big interests of mine
michael kaiser - i don’t smoke
So if you need to be mean
Be mean to me
I can take it and put it inside of me
If your hands need to break
More than trinkets in your room
You can lean on my arm
As you break my heart
his career can be a lot on his shoulders at times even with the cocky and arrogant facade he puts on for the performance of each match he plays. he has a tendency to keep it all in to bask in the glory of his luxurious life.
you understand. you know he’s currently too prideful to deal with his true feelings, especially all on his own. you just want to be there to know he isn’t alone and that he can be open with you. so you sit there, giving him a listening ear as he lashes out and releases every awful word in the book towards you when everything finally becomes too much for him to bear. you wouldn’t want him to have a very public meltdown when it happens so it’s better this way. you have remind yourself to take none of it to heart because he doesn’t mean those all harsh words. he just needed an outlet for those frustrations.
you also don’t want the weight and significance of his career to separate you two. you’re already so damn lucky to be with someone like him. you want to prove that you can handle it. you know you can. you’re sure you can help him figure this all out somehow. love just takes compassion and patience, that’s all it is. just taking it one step at a time.
it’s just compassion and patience. right?
Just don't leave me alone
Wondering where you are
I am stronger than you give me credit for
sae itoshi - i want you
You're coming back
And it's the end of the world
We're starting over and I love you darlin'
And I am done, dear
he swears he will make time for you someday. sure those words have been promised over and over again like a broken record but he truly does love you. however you’re starting to wonder if mutual love is truly enough to keep you two going.
the truth is his life is currently too big and important for him to take any focus away from it. the last thing he needs is a distraction. all of which he has very clear multiple times, even along with his contrastingly hopeful promises. though his tone is quite neutral, never letting his emotions seep through as if he’s programmed to do so. meanwhile you have to desperately hold yours back to not seem like an idiot.
it’s never been easy to express how you feel in front of him. you desperately wish you could but the inconsistency of your relationship that’s barely holding up renders it pointless. this over and over/back and forth thing that’s going on between you two is exhausting. it only leaves you lost and confused. you begin to wonder if staying is even worth it at all. even with the speck of hope that it could eventually work out. even if you love him.
You're in the house
And I am here in the car
I just need a quiet place
Where I can scream how I love you
oliver aiku - eric
You like control, well, I do too
Take off my clothes and watch me move
You can come closer,
I'll let you hurt me how you choose
you deeply crave a loving and fulfilling connection with another but unfortunately the other you desire is him. a guy who’s born to be a player and only wants to fool around with multiple people.
you know getting attached would only cause you so much unnecessary pain but your naive heart couldn’t resist him. you know that he doesn’t see you for more than what you give him at night but you were still a fool to fall for him.
enough of a fool to fall for him knowing he’s not ready to settle for one person. you could see it from how you would lovingly gaze at him while he leers at someone else behind you. you would still give yourself up to him if you could, offering anything he wanted out of you.
despite better judgment, you stay with a pained and aching heart. constantly yearning for more.
But how long, how long can we play this way?
I'm tired, I'm tired of not loving you
My heart, my heart wants to hold you
But I know, I know, I know the rules
taglist(lemme know if you wanna be added): @userwithlotsoftime @lucas2060
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When you’re a teenager, everything is dramatic... It’s the end of the world every day. My music is the result of not being that teenager anymore but still being sad. The world goes on, and you’re not important.
"There's a lesser sense of, I'm the protagonist, this is a great tragedy. It's more, My sadness is living here, I have to deal with it. I wish this weren't happening, but I'm used to it."
— Mitski for Fader Magazine, June 8 2016
📷 Cait Oppermann
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mitski, my love mine all mine, and the ineffables
psa: this is more of an association pattern thing than an analysis tonight because my eyes can only read so much after crying
mine all mine !! (my own to bear)
nothing in the world belongs to me!! (cant convince his angel to "belong"/be with him)
this scene still makes me lose it till this day tbh
aziraphale is never escaping the earth angel allegations. also "showed me what my heart was worth" feels way too specific. actually this whole track is to ineffables specific i feel sick thinking about it.
all these little tender unspoken moments !!! the bullet catch trust, the s1 finale!! the job minisode is a bit more spoken and explicit in its point but oh i do love it all the same. you better love it all now anyways because the next line is where i started cracking
"so when it comes to be my turn" (when im the one that does the needing, forthcoming in my own vulnerability and feelings for you)
"could you shine it down here for her?" (can you pull through, can i trust you like you trusted me, show me what my heart is worth one more time)
ok i had no real reason to put angel crowley in there but i just wanted to mention how the first "show me what my heart is worth" could have well been when crowley was still and angel, with azi being so smitten and singing praise that whole scene. so. do with that what you will
nothing in this world belongs to me (not even the stars i made-- the stars he probably cant even see anymore)
nothing is mine for free (i cant love anything without being costed for it) (both the as starmaker and as the demon Crowley. double homicide.)
but my love is mine, all mine (at the end of the day whether i have you or not, i love you anyway, i Cant Help to love you anyway)
[FIN.]
apologies for the general lack of depth tonight, i just had one of those meltdowns that start from the sick in your stomach and ends in someone elses toilet bowl because of this... mitski does it again i guess...
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hey girl, sorry for being weird, it's just that I fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended and it left a pearl in my head that I roll around every night, just to watch it grow
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